#literally what do u even say to that. i have no idea what to say other than girl get rid of him slash his tyres burn his belongings etc etc
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the rapture
it's a holy thing, in theory, a glorious celebration, where those who believe rise to meet the lord in the air. it's a day of joy, in theory, and maybe even of vindication for those who have always believed.
but no one thinks about how it's like to see the dead rise again—bodies clawing their way out of bolted wood and six feet of packed earth, bodies decomposed and maggot-feasted, nails stained with rot and dirt. no one thinks about the violent lurch of their bodies being jolted into the air by the stomach, gravity flinging their heads back down to earth as they struggle in vain to find footing on molecules and gas. no one thinks about those who don't make it.
no one thinks about the screams.
crowley hadn't thought about any of these things. he certainly hadn't thought about the angels that would be called back to heaven along with the believers.
here they stand dead in the middle of absolute ruin, the promise of heaven the only thing left to look forward to on the wasteland of this earth. the sky has opened up like the eye of god, watching over her people for the very first time, and crowley's black wings against the beams of light only remind him that he doesn't belong up there with the rest of them. crowley wraps his arms tight around aziraphale, squeezes his torso like he can maybe keep aziraphale with him through sheer will or, laughably, demonic intervention. like love could ever be enough. like love could stay.
around them, the cacophony of wails and mockingly exaltant trumpets scorch the earth in their intensity, clashing and agonising even—especially—for them, and words make no sound. but they hold on to each other, even as they shrink into themselves against the noise of the undying. i don't want to leave you either, aziraphale doesn't say, but his hands dig into the cotton of crowley's sleeve, and crowley hears the words through his fingertips.
he feels a stronger upward resistance against his embrace now, and he clings tighter, steadfast, even as aziraphale's grip falters. but he knows he can't hold on forever. he knows that nothing ever lasts.
trembling with something unspeakable, he lifts his arms from aziraphale's torso and covers the angel's ears with his hands. he feels more than hearing aziraphale's resulting sob, and he spreads out his wings to wrap them around their bodies. a shield, a comfort, a goodbye.
it's okay, the gesture says in silence. i'll see you in another lifetime.
#fearandhatred#fearandart#fearandfics#i usually don't say this but please zoom in i'm begging this took Effort#if the style of aziracrow looks really different from the background it's because i didn't know what i was doing#like literally don't even ask me how i did this bro i have no idea#also i know i wrote about crowley's wings but i would have rather died than drawn wings again so. leave me alone#this was originally gonna be just crowley and aziraphale in this pose inspired by cabin in the woods with no extra context#then eybe saw the wip and was like None of them are dying in this right. Right leanne. Right#so i said hey why not#i've had the rapture drawing idea in my notes app for a longgg time so i decided to combine the two#and then i wrote this snippet in the next 20 minutes#so thank u eybe#good omens#ineffable husbands#aziracrow#crowley#aziraphale#good omens fanart#good omens art#good omens fanfic#good omens ficlet
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mods r asleep post humanized 4x
finished catching up on tpot it was peakkkkkk but i am so scared of one. also working on little clay and felt dolls of 4 x and 2
#bfb#battle for bfdi#tpot#4x#bfb 4x#bfb fourx#four bfb#4 bfb#bfb 4#bfb four#guys do u put bfb before or after the character#x bfb#bfb x#four tpot#4 tpot#x tpot#four in tpot12 saying “nope .... see ya” was so high pitched and quiet WHAT was going on with him. the eye was so funny tho giggled#x with freckles bc of his interest in gardening. 4 with blue patches bc he was the desert and i want to note that#i love the designs i made for them theyre so cute 2 me#4s hair is so hard to draw tho. i cant make it look right#wait ive literally been thinking so much about character comparisons i have to mention it#4 is so obviously alien. he acts so super odd and he appears so unnerving. i feel like he always has wider eyes/smaller pupils#hes always so STARING at things. he is so obviously alien (bc he literally is in this world i think)#2 is also an alien. its in his name AlgebrALIEN. but he is so much more human im obsessed with him#like he laughs so much more he has much closer friendships with the contestants he even makes huge efforts to assist in fixing interpersona#problems and stuff. he is so kind and compassionate and can be super comforting. he is so incredibly human despite being an alien#THTA IS SOOO INTERESITNG AND FUN 2 ME !!!!!!!!!! 4 has loved bfdi and the idea of hosting for years and his goal is to Host but 2s is more#in line with making a point he is what he is bc he wants to be like that. hes a host bc he decided to be not bc someone else told him to#also the recent robot flower arc and the parallels im drawing between her and bot (iii).#bots “i will never be who you want me to be/who you built me as” vs robo flowers “i have to be who you want me to be/who you built me as”
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yayyyy finally i can post my wonderful poopsies 💖
#minecraft#steve minecraft#alex minecraft#herobrine#<- the cool guy with no fandom tag at the end#enderman#? whatever#artsbotz#i was gonna post more stuff abt them below the cut but actually#i already did that on another post. so i cant be fucked to retype#and i dont want to say everythingggg abt thwm at once#but im gonna do one of those like oc sheet templates w them#might even make my own. for my own sick desires#guysssss. do u like them. i love themmm#btw they r all trans and autistic. peace and love#my hero design is actually like crazy funny. literally ocification has occurred#idgaf 🖕 hes my kin i can do what i want#ohhhh oh i rlly wish i cld have drawn more of them recently b4 the ideas left my brain but i have noooo time#<- busy playing mc#ask me things abotu them. if you desire. i shall answer POST HASTE#i literally have one million fun facts abt them i cld say i just tried to stick to design specific stuff
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jokes @ night r not funny in the morning,,,
originally the blue was green but then i decided 2 b pan
#dont even ask me what i was trying 2 accomplish#CAUSE IDKKK#sighs @ least they look cute igg#bart is still hard 4 ne 2 draw idk sobbs#also i seem 2 draw him in a lot of tanktops while i draw kon in a lot of crop tops#i just ?????????#anyways i literally have no idea wtf this means#it was supposed 2 b silly & funny but if ur evil u could make it angsty#not me thoo…..i would neever#cause what kind of sick freak does that#((its me im the sick freak))#no but this is supposed 2 b silly ITS JUST RLLY NOT FUNNY IDK#konbart#kart#still 2 scared 2 but it in their main tags or whateverrrr#NO BC LIKE I DONT WANNA GET RIPPED APART#omggg the reason y it looks more angst is bc i put the ‘dw’ isnt itttt#ughhhhhhh#ok sure whatever GRRR AAAAAA#i have a better kart drawing idea but this 1 was easier 2 draw#brrrr#i feel like im just mostly going 2 b drawing kart 2day oh man#((i say this like i dont draw them everyday))#puppee art#holy u can rlly tell i h8 stabalizers batman#i say ‘line arts my fav part’ but i dont actually do nice line art idfkkk yyyy but mayb its bc u dont need clean lineart 2 render stuff???#@ least i dont#man i should render smth its been so long since ive like ‘completed’ a full drawingg#HELP IM STILL UPSET HOW I DREW BART I LIKE I JUST DONT WANT 2 DRAW HIM LOOKING LIKE A KID BUT LIKE OTS KINDA HARD WHEN HES NEXT 2 KON THIS I
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What do you think about gojo ships
I feel like I'm pretty indifferent to most of them. This is super cringe of me, but whenever I fall super in love with a character I don't often like shipping them romantically with anyone. 💀 (im delusional I know)
It doesn't help that for some reason the jjk fandom (especially twt) is weirdly aggressive about ships. I know it isn't all the shippers and it's mostly just the loud minority, but seeing so much of the discourse has kinda put me off and I don't really engage much with the ships in the fandom except for rarepairs and selfships bc alot of the time those communities are more wholesome and cozy (if that makes sense LOL)
#satofie best ship#andnajdjskdjksnfksndjdj im sorry im cringe 😔😔#anyways i honestly have no idea#its not even about not liking seeing him with others bc i enjoy seeing other ppls gojo × oc/selfships#i just for some reason dont really vibe with any of the existing gojo ships in the series#weirdly enough if i had to choose one i feel like sukugo is the most interesting one LOL they are so funny with eachother#i feel like in a different life they really couldve hit it off#i feel bad for gojohime shippers sometimes#like i personally dont like the ship but oh my god ppl on twitter are so mean about that ship i dont even know why ???#is it bc alot of them prefer him shipped with a guy ?? or they dont like seeing another woman that isnt them with him?? i dont know#but i see so much hate for it and it makes me sad bc like just move on or mute the account so u dont have to see it if you really hate it#the amount of times ive seen some big jjk account qrt a fanart dissing the ship while also getting more likes than the artists post is craz#why do ppl fight over fake people kissing.......#i remember this one account specifically that was obsessed with gojo but they were so snobby about it and like gatekeeping other fans#and they really hated gjhm and for some reason felt the need to make it into a problematic ship instead of just saying#i dont like this and moving on#but they made this whole thing abt how toxic they actually are bc utahime hates gojo#only to (in the same thread) gush over their fave ship which was nanago#and i felt crazy bc its......literally the same dynamic what#like am i missing something ?????#anyways this got a bit wild but pls be nice to eachother and respect eachothers ships#you dont have to justify why u dislike a ship you can just not like it#no need to turn it problematic
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7am, eating cold leftover teriyaki stir-fry for breakfast and crying over blorbos
#normal Saturday morning behavior#redacted spoilers#redacted audio#redacted sam#Seven.txt#rp audio stuff#well. crying over one singular blorbo in particular. Sam's still got me in an emotional chokehold#and i'm too sad to even make a stupid little joke abt how i wouldn't mind if it was a physical one too. ayeee *insert sad eyebrow wiggle*#no but seriously. i have so many feelings abt him and i can't even say it all bc some of it isn't public info yet#eh fuck it i'll just draft this until the audio goes public and then i'll post it once it's no longer Exclusive Info#bc i dont wanna leak Early Access stuff but i have to get this out of my system rn and the new audio is part of what sparked these thoughts#which is funny bc i. literally haven't even listened to it yet. i'm not Ready 😭#where's that tiktok screenshot that's like. 'hyperfixation so bad that i can't even engage with the source material' bc that's me rn#like bro Sam only won the poll like. 2 or 3 days ago and Eric is Already dropping a new Sam audio?? hello? Mr. Redacted i wasn't prepared#anyways i was spoiling myself by perusing the comments last night trying to get a feel for if it's gonna be more angst or comfort#and i saw a comment that absolutely shattered me. and it reignited all my sad thoughts about Sam's eventual. uh. y'know. death.#apparently they plant a tree together or smthn in the new audio (which already has me & my beloved 10y/o orange tree feeling some kinda way#but to the individual in the comments who brought to all our minds the image of Sam sitting beneath that tree in 30 or so years time#when he's decided that he's ready to die and sits out there waiting for the sun to rise..................... 🥲#i'm gonna need u to compensate me for all of that unexpected emotional damage /j /nm#i'm Still not over what he told Darlin' while they had their talk about the future up on his roof together. that audio killed me#then yesterday i was listening to my Sam & Darlin' playlist while cleaning. and Malibu Nights by LANY came on. which i always skip bc Sad#but i let it play and just started crying. standing in the middle of the room all disheveled and holding a broom. as one does.#iirc that song is one that Eric himself said is applicable to Sam which is why/how i found it and put it on the playlist. and god. g o d#hm. i hope that wasn't Patreon exclusive info. i can't remember if it was a public post where he said that or not. hope it's okay to share#but if we can take that song as like. unofficial canon for Sam then that also confirms my idea that he used to drink to cope#which makes the opening lines of Fix What You Didn't Break by Nate Smith even more applicable. i should go edit that post actually#anyways i'm just. feeling a lot. and i love Sam very much and i don't want him to die. but i want him to do what he wants at the same time#Alexis took so fucking much from him. he deserves to live - and end - his life on his own terms. ... i think i need to go write something#*casually fishes this post out of the drafts 3 and a half days later* hi so uh. i wrote a 4k oneshot :) and will hopefully post it tomorrow
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i need to do my character analysis on jack and being adoptee coded / adoptee adjacent, but i see so many jokes about him being adopted (or anything that’s not cute or an excuse to bash on dean and/or praise cas) and honestly it just makes me nervous to post.
#jack being adoptee adjacent is actually really important to his character and also says a lot about andrew dabb#since he is ex or current mormon and the evangelical roots in adoption. plus with the context of#him being introduced a few months prior to queer couples being given the ‘right’ (nobody has a right to someone else’s child) to adopt#but more than that his issues with feeling like he has a place to belong and his guilt for being alive are not properly understood by the#fandom in my opinion. most of what i see (literally except for me lol) about jack being adopted#is either him being de-aged so he can be a cute infant/toddler adoptee for (mostly) destiel#or jokes about him being adopted by tfw. which further adds to this idea that adoption doesn’t leave an effect on a person or character#like we have so much content about dean and sam losing mary but the fandom mostly just#forgets kelly even exists. like there’s so much to unpack in regards to jack and ultimately his decision to die at the end of s15#which is just forgotten about?? anyways i have lot of Thoughts but i feel worried about receiving hate#or people not even reblogging it at all because most of my adoptee content gets like 5 notes and any content#where jack is not seen as a bumbling baby isn’t shared in the fandom much#what do u guys think#jack kline#supernatural#adoptee voices
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wanna be put in a room with craft stuff for 10 years
#i cant focus on anything rn but the stuff i wanna make and its turning my brain into mush#the weird brainfucked fear that if i dont get these things started Soon ill forget it#my memory is so fucking borked man and my brain runs too fucking fast to hold on to anything#i make so much that i went and made my own hell lol#the two jobs thing i think is probably the crux rn cause ive got even less time than i used to and my time blindness gives me troubles#ill get adjusted to it#sometimes with all my fucked up processing issues makes me feel like im kind of stuck in a weird bubble#like i have no idea whats happening or whos around me or what people are saying and i just have to stumble through it yknow#shouldve been born as a tiktokers pet snail#not tryna be complainy or in a bad mood or nuffin im fine i literally just want to be making stuff rn#even though works like a big Thing its also been understimulating the past week because theres nothing to do i just gotta Be Here#i need to be put under pressure i need squeezed i need smushed and i aint getting that#if i ever make something for u plz hound me about it#so i can explain in excruciating detail what step im on and how im doing it and what still needs done and how ill do THAT#i should make tutorials#i feel like im way too stream of consciousness to make anything actually helpful#idk i want a toast chee
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every time i ponder the meliwes orb i get a little emo out of guilt. i am so sorry white boy wes n i say this as melina’s #1 defender she did NOT deserve that boy 😭
#what if YOU 🫵 befriended ur frenemy’s (n thats a kind way to put it) ex gf post breakup#bc she hit ur dms on some ‘im going thru it and ur the only 1 ik who wouldnt be biased against me bc u n amber arent close’#knowing you would feel bad for her#n then she female manipulated u into developing a crush on her and shooting ur shot and believing that was YOUR idea#n u were w this girl for 3 months. first ever girlfriend mind u#shes super sweet super affectionate gets on well w ur mom top tier absolute sweetheart#for the first time in all ur 17 yrs u even get to feel a tidd-*i am SHOT*#then ghostface rolls back up and ur girl gets stabbed thru the shoulder literally on day 1 after the massacre starts#ur already paranoid and now ur FR SCARED bc ghostface almost got ur bitch!#and then ghostface gets YOU (and unbeknownst to u ur momma)#n even when ur abt to die ur still scared for ur girl…#and turns out the same girl WAS the ghostface who put a knife thru ur neck and she aint even love u#and just used u to get back into the group to be around her ex again and then killed u at her command the min she offered to get back w her#imagine that. well wes hicks does NOT have to imagine bc thats wtf HAPPENED to him!#tbf melina feels incredibly guilty for it n his death haunts her like. BAD. but girl…yk he aint do shit to u 😭#like she was a lesbian the whole time but considered him a genuinely good pal 😭#yk that boy innocent n aint deserve allat but amber satan freeman says stab him n melina says yes my queen i live 2 serve u what can i do-#like i love melina w all my heart n i will defend her always but i cant get behind this. she was foul for that 😭#what toxic yuri does to a mf#— ♡ 𝘤𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥'𝘴 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘥𝘦! // melina bates.#— ship: meliwes.#— slasherverse posting.#— ➴ 𝘢 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘦 (𝘤𝘳𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘭𝘧 𝘤𝘳𝘺.) // meliwes.
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trying not to go crazy and start killing people every time i see another mane 6 redesign post
#I MEANNNNNN. i think its fun sometimes but bruhhhhh when they change their designs completely.. U HATE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ive said this 1000 times sorry im a hater and proud#im also a hater bc i dont like the rat style tails ppl give the unicorns. i just dont sorry LOLL#i think it can be fun to give them accessories and stufff but also they do... have stuff like that in the show.#like its redundant to be like 'i gave rarity clothes to show her as a designer' when she very often wears clothes anyways#its just its her base design.#to me it feels like when ppl go 'ermmm how come this cartoon character always wear the one outfit' completely ignoring animation and#character design principles.#also this is a personal nitpick but when ppl give rd short hair and stuff likeee. part of what i like abt her deisgn is shes still 'girly'#even tho she has more traditionally masc interests etc. same w aj#like its very basic ideas abt gender but idk for the type of show it is i think its cool to show u can be both#also nitpick again. they never include spike or starlight . WHERE ARE MY POOKIESSSS.#the only good redesign concepts ive seen r when they turn the mane 6 into bg pony designs. thats funnn#otherwise its not rlly... redesign. its just ur hcs#which is fine but dont phrase it like that just for the Algorithmmmmmmm. u can just say 'i like to imagine twily wears glasses'#u dont have to be like 'ermmm well to show shes a nerd i gave her glasses unlike the original design'#which is just kinda funny#ironically moon dancer is literally how 90% of twily 'redesigns' look#also yes. dark purple twilight looks cool. BUT ITS NOT AS READABLE OR MARKETABLEEEEEEE#they r pastels bc it is little kids show. they r simple designs so kids can draw them easy#also when ppl make rd dark like a storm cloud even tho she is not even. associated with storms RAARAGHHHHHH[KILLING PPL]#SHE IS A BRIGHT SUNNY SKY AND A RAINBOWWWWWWWWWW BC OF THE MAGICCCC. NOT BC OF ACTUAL RAIN/STORMS#might also be a huge hater bc im not so much of a fan of xeno designs in general buttttt. whatever#whatever. one dauy i will end up making my own mane 6 interpretations and u all can throw rocks at me
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genuine question, have you guys been liking (or even just reading) the posts where i explain what ive been doing/what i plan to do? or would you prefer i just kept it to "heres where im at" posts?
i wont be offended if yall dont like all the talking! theres a lot of it. if i really wanna explain something i will regardless (itll just be for me personally) but if its not interesting i wont explain every little thing im doing. and if it is maybe ill try and do it more (or at least. better. more polished)
#i have literally no idea what the vibes are with all the things i write#i tried to word both options w a positive tone bc this really isnt. supposed to be 'hey do u guys like me 👉👈' or anything#im just trying to figure if keeping you in the loop about specific fitting changes are interesting or like. you just wanna see that ive made#the bodice!!!! like i said. ill explain what i really want to either way but maybe i wont explain every single check in#up to u! the 3 people who interact w this blog i mean#(like i said. idk if yall actually even read it all. i know sometimes its a lot. those ones will probably stick around tbh#if im writing an obnoxious amount its probably bc i want to say it)#i post for me. but also i post to share it with other people who are passionate. so
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#i know i won't shut up abt 5sos but the real question is will i ever go to a better gig than darren criss in [redacted] 2023#like i didn't even know half his songs before i went and i still had the best time i've ever had at a gig#literally the energy in that room was insane#and like... better than any gig i've ever been to in melbourne like#smth about being in a smaller place that artists don't often come to Especially not internation acts#everyone was so like... polite?#like they were doing concert so well they weren't being assholes and yelling when it wasn't their turn :')#which is so annoying i hate when a crowd is so roudy that it feels like a classroom and the teacher is waiting for everyone to shut up#like we can still have a good time if u respect the fact that some of us are spending hundreds even just Getting here#idk maybe i'm a music snob i just think there's something so magical in a quiet room full of people#like when something really beautiful has happened you can sit in it for a second#the pressure to cheer like... the idea that a moment of silence will somehow offend the artist who created the moment#i tried to find another concert on the tour where the crowd was as in the moment as we were for the line#'i believe there is music in the silence' and then he like#puts the guitar down and heads to the piano to do the rest#but it was so gorgeously quiet it was breathtaking i cried#it might have helped that he played the first half entirely accoustically no mic no amps#bc the venue was small enough and also designed to amplify naturally#but we all had to be so quiet to make sure everyone heard it so it just#the music hung in the air so magically y'all art is so good i'm still crying nothing will ever beat that concert i'm still chasing that hig#luke was nearly that magical but tbh..... the audience kinda ruined it for me at times :/#also he was nervous and kept cutting off the moment by saying 'thank you' like we get it ur a humble king but like#you have to let a song like place in me Breathe when it's done#you have to give the crowd a chance to go holy fucking shit what the fuck and THEN start screaming and Then thank them#but i'm truly such a snob it's the worst#honestly thinking abt how those lads are always improving tho he'll get there#by the time he's darren criss' age he'll be killing it even more they all will
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not saying i'd do this cuz im very very hesitant but . people have patreons for like,, wips n stuff right?? like people pay to see ur work early or whatever? would any of y'all be at all interested
#qktalks#my take on this sorta stuff is very hypocritical of myself#idk if that's the right word i'm tired#but like . i'm all for artists making a living wage like yeah that's awesome. support artists#but also i'm like ''well other artists can make people pay for their work. me tho ? no what is wrong w u''#why would anybody ever pay me for my work i find the concept so incredibly hard to wrap my head around#like i'm not even saying that as a ''oh boo hoo i suck'' kinda way im literally just#i guess im not the type of person to buy art. like buying art seems like a kinda ? crazy concept to me?? idk i just don't do it#even if i rly rly like a piece i prolly won't buy physical versions of it. i never have#but i know other people Do. they buy shit all the time#i see an artist go ''hey pay me $5 a month and u can see my wips and my first drafts n stuff''#and i go ''hey they're makin money from it that's cool''#but the idea of me forcing people to pay if they wanna see smth i can give them for free ?#it seems .................................................... Evil#LIKE . I KNOW IT'S NOT#idk . anyway rant over patreon or no
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the thing thats always missing in conversations about gender in general is the fact that 'cis', as an identity, is not a innate Thing Some People Are, but rather a state of acceptance society grooms us into from birth
#im sorry but no one is inherently 'cis' bc gender is inherently not real (saying this in cool trans way not transphobe way).#being 'cis' just means you live as the gender youve been assigned. being 'genuinely' cis in a way where youre not repressing anything and#you're truly happy to be that way means you're the ideal and desired endgame of the whole gendered culture and have been successfully#groomed into accepting only half of yourself (the half that can exist in the gender role you inhabit)#Like every culture agrees that people have both 'masculine' and 'feminine' within them but on entry to the earth the vast majority of peopl#are placed within a role that rewards either 'masculine' or 'feminine' but not both. and of course everyone continues to be both but#theyve still been placed in one role.#To be honest i think we need to rid ourselves of the idea of gender as something innate even though its nice to teach to well-meaning#liberal cis people. 'born this way' dogma was a useful vehicle to pitch existence in but its unhelpful when queer people actually act like#its the whole truth and nothing but the truth.#dont get me wrong i couldnt be a girl cause i self destructed and died and that was just something within me. totally that is a thing 100%.#hashtag born this way. but just because it doesnt go that far for some people doesnt mean that theyre Innately Cis. it means they accept#their circumstance and r priviledged to be able to do so. thats what cis means#to be clear: i say being cis is the result of grooming. thats not to say that people who reject cisness are smarter or more radical#necessarily or doing the right thing. some people stay cis and push the boundaries of that role wherever possible and thats just as radical#i think in fact its more radical than trans people who ruthlessly uphold gender roles#tldr its not a moral failure to identify with ur assigned gender and to argue that would be incredibly ridiculous#but the only reason u feel identification with it at all is because of the grooming. shrug emoji.#oliver talks#gender#gender abolition#gender assignment is grooming & its violence & its awful#ted talk over#Disclaimer if anyone wants to pick a fight that i do literally identify as trans so take of that what you will
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is it autism or is it a symptom of previous longterm social isolation and lack of agency ?
#i think. im not good at being a person.#ive finally gotten some alone time and i am reflecting. and well.#i dont think you can make me socially aware ^-^ i dont think i'll ever get good at it.#i donknow why ^-^👍 and i dont think it matters 👍#i think hes getting tired of me alreadyyyy......#and i think. lots of other ppl . dont see me wout him already also.#ive managed this already... impressive ^-^#but the japanese international girls like me so !!! it doesnt matter !!! i have. two nice friends. and 1 intimidating friend.#i will not get bullied or made fun of or be in ungetoutable bad situations bc of. mafia friend.#and then i will recharge and be silly around. nice friends.#i think the fact that im actively thinking about this. doesnt do anything for my case.#i think. im getting masking lessons. when i hang out w him. if it really is the autism. and im failing a little bit.#he thinks ive got anxiety. 💭💭 psych major ass. sorry. my roommates also psych major. why are they. talkers.#theyre scawy.#they both got adhd too. whats with that#anyway.#i want to get a haircut.#and hes like. well. hes literally 4 real a model. and his mom was a model. and all his friends were. guess what. models.#so. scary. so i will go to a shitty salon w a nice normal level of social skill friend and then not say anything i think.#i love yapping on here this is awesome. i can just say anytging.#non u know me in real life#how did i end up making friends w the most 'popular guy' guy in the world this is so stressful.#everyone likes him. there are ppl who only talk to me to get an idea of where he might be at. what happened.#howd i go from friendless loser to. loser but in a completely different friend environment. friends w guy who is too good at making friends#but chooses to hang out w me ? does he choose to do that. is it all coincidence?#how did i get here. it really doesnt feel real#i want. to . explode.#yknow i never even really talked to boys before this also. wtf. wtf..#i have only been saying nice things so far i think but i think its important to know that he. scares me. hes so from bc.#i have always been scared of island ppl theyre. all so mad always. and guess what he is too. and yet here i am.
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i did like the hidden palace but (SPOILER if anyone hasn't read it?) i'm genuinely so annoyed at how Arbeely is handled like... I wish i could be sad but i'm just fucking irritated. I was overly invested in him and that's def why but i just feel like they did him dirty
#the golem and the jinni#i was scrolling goodreads and the take i kept seeing was 'oh I wish Arbeely could've had his family too bad the jinni FUCKED IT UP'#but idk that's just not how i read him. like thats not where i feel the problem is#his whole shtick is being content as the jinni's foil and like! things can change! but the way it's done leaves him totally unresolved#which in turn means the jinni's shit is also never getting resolved because there is like no way to#when Arbeely describes his future family in the first book it's all 'someday... vaguely...' and AGAIN! what you want can change!#and honestly it's really interesting and sad that he makes this sacrifice for the jinni#but it's a layer of complexity that like clashes with how little he is there for and how little the author's invested in him#and like the way the no marriage literally did not ruin his life at all... sure it sucked but the man is still like idk rich#what has continuously fucked with him throughout both books is that he wants (or at least spends half his page time thinking about)#emotional connection to the jinni in a human way#which is something the jinni cant\wont give him even though he's basically Arbeely's only close friend#(besides ig maryam who was rlly funny hinting at her dislike for the jinni like someone trying to get their friend to dump their toxic bf)#anyway the vibe in the first book is that he only thinks about wanting a wife when the jinni is being a dickhead#BECAUSE the jinni eases arbeelys loneliness by just being there because at the end of the day that's what humans need#but then it's made really weird in the second book by Arbeely getting 'trapped' by the jinni (and yet they just grow further apart)#which means that the only thing arbeely actually spent half his life discontent with and then literally died without is not a wife#it's emotional intimacy with the jinni. which is insane to me#arbeely is obviously already tragic but this seems TOO tragic entirely because the book doesn't give af about addressing it#if it was like a plot thing then all of the above would be fine and gutwrenching because it ties back into the jinnis self isolation#BUT IT'S NOT. like i get arbeely isn't that important to the plot but he was important to the jinni and the jinni was important to him#alsoo necessarily disclaimer i'm not trying to say he's in love with the jinni or anything like that#although a queer arbeely (divorced from the above idea) would also been interesting cuz I dont think the jinni has a grasp on homophobia#so idk theyd be keeping each others secrets (arbeely x the biscuit man? JOKE)#BUTTTT! I don't believe he needs romantic energy! him and the jinni having awful vibes up until arbeely's literal death is what bothers me#The jinni is a bad communicator ik but come on... not once? not even before the diagnosis? The jinni also thinks about how distant they are#could they not talk a little? for me? there are ways to do it within the bounds of their characters FOR SURE#im sure this is the point but i do dislike it either way. anyway sorry arbeely u remind me of my uncle#the hidden palace
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