#literally the only thing i dont have is the job title on my resume

[theconstellationsinyourskin]

it's just really demoralizing to do literally everything right but then get turned down for a factor that is fixable in literally like two days of training

[tofuchi]

I started my new job today. Everyone was nice and friendly but midday, I went to the bathroom and found myself having a mini emotional breakdown because the bathroom I was in wasn’t the one I’d used for the last nearly seven years. The woman from HR who did my New Hire stuff today, as nice as she was, wasn’t the same woman from HR with whom I’d eaten breakfast for the last nearly seven years, who’d told me stories about her mother-in-law and her daily “happy national —— day” messages. The coworker with whom I’d eaten lunch with today, as nice as she was too, wasn’t a 67-year-old man who’d talk over me constantly about literally nothing, but whose company and random stories I love nonetheless. The CEO, as nice as he seemed, wasn’t the same one who gave me a job straight out of high school and who, on my last day of work, gave me a big bag of all my favorite crack seed because he wouldn’t be able to just walk over to my desk to give them to me anymore.

Over the last few months I’d grown extremely frustrated at work because I felt my supervisor and senior didn’t trust me. I’d asked them multiple times to teach me simple things like transaction reversals and release of mortgage and they just wouldn’t. They said they didn’t want me to “feel overwhelmed,” but instead I felt like a child who was being told, “it’s nice you want to help, honey, but leave this to the adults.” I’m even more frustrated now because my new employer seems to think I have a lot more lending knowledge than I do because of my previous job title, but I don’t because no one taught me. And I hate explaining that all I did was basically data entry and maintenance on loans, not actual decisioning or closings.

I left because I felt like I was being wasted, but also because my mom is the Branch Manager and I never would have felt like I earned my job. I told this to the CEO on my last day of work and he told me, “you and your mom work in different departments. She has nothing to do with you. You’re a hard worker and people like you — that’s all you, and it has nothing to do with her. You earned it.” But even then, I wouldn’t have been offered a job had my mom not been a supervisor six and a half years ago. No matter what anyone says, I got my job through her. Everyone said I’m being too hard on myself about that but I dont think I am. I would never have been able to shake the thought that I was only there because of my mommy.

I got my current job because I caught someone’s attention. I applied for the Loan Officer position but was under qualified, but the Loan Manager forwarded my resume to the Member Services Manager to interview me since her MSRs do the initial approvals/denials on loans as well as the closings, in addition to typical new accounts-type work. I didn’t kt know a soul at my current employer and I had to convince the manager I was worth hiring. This is the first job I’ve ever gotten on my own, and I’m proud of it. I was sad all day today thinking about my old coworkers, but I had to constantly remind myself that I wasnt satisfied with my job and that I didn’t want to coast anymore, and that I was finally somewhere where I could completely carve a space out for myself without any prior connections. It was something I needed to do for myself. I know it’ll be hard at the beginning because after nearly seven years, a place becomes a second home, but I know I won’t be this sad forever.

It seems that 2018 has been a year of me learning to be more confident. It’s scary at times, but I’ve yet to regret any of the big decisions I’ve made this year. I’m a lot happier with myself as a person now that I was six months ago.