#literally skipped from can't stand that bitch to family that I never had

[revertrate]

hes so :3

[fantasticcloudcreation]

I'm just rambling, trying to kill time until bossman says I can leave lol

It's almost 8, I only have to be here for another 2-3 hours, I haven't had to do a single iota of work and I'm getting a full day's pay just for being here which is so silly but I think I can hold out. I'm in my hammock and it's fine. I've been smoking too many cigs and drinking too much water, I have to pee again but it's such a pain climbing out from under this silly stage so I'm trying to wait as long as possible. The pyro makes me jump every time it goes off.

I have a margarita waiting for me in the hotel fridge, I think we're out of weed but maybe I can scrounge up a bowl or something from the leftovers.

Yesterday was a really good skinny day, laying around the hotel naked with L feeling the best I've felt about my body in a long time despite eating way too much the past couple days.

Less than a week til we leave here, I'll miss hanging out with him but I'm so ready for this gig to be over. Not sure if I'm gonna go to the next one based on how this one has gone but it's also hard to turn down work, we'll see how it goes.

I'm just tired of existing. Bad moods don't last forever, stop clinging to it, just be here with L and enjoy his presence bc I know I'll miss him after this. Not really sure how this relationship is gonna unfold in the future but it's been nice being here with him. I feel bad for being in a bad mood so many days in a row but he's been really sweet about it.

Grateful that I can just lay in my hammock right now but frustrated and bored of this gig.

How to get over a bad mood? Gratitude normally helps. Grateful for this stupid job and all its ups and downs. I've barely done any work since I've been here and I'm gonna walk away with like $2+ at the end of it. 14,3 in the bank rn but I still have to pay my credit card. Grateful for L and his sweet presence and all our little moments together.

Bad feelings are creeping in: not good enough, not interesting or pleasant to be around, what's the point of me being here, no one would notice or care if I disappeared... Not good enough, not good at anything, not good enough to be working here, not good enough to have friends, not good enough to interact with people in general. Just a black hole of toxic energy.

How to overcome the bad feelings? Idk. I don't even feel like it right now, I feel like wallowing in my negative energy.

Realistically nothing matters and I just have to make it thru this gig. Go visit family after this, hug my parents. Maybe tomorrow will have a magically better mood. Maybe I'll just blow up my life again and start over. Maybe it never really gets better. Maybe it's really not that bad. Nothing fucking matters.

Maybe I'll go walk up and down the stairs at catering just to get some cardio or something. Maybe I'll do some calisthenics with the scaff under the stage. Maybe I'll just sit here and zone out for the next 2 hours.

Margaritas waiting for me at the hotel. L will sit outside with me all night and hold me if I ask him to. I was thinking I needed to sleep alone tonight but I just want to be held. I'm such a weak bitch. I feel like I'm not even good enough for him even though he's the sweetest most reassuring man I've ever met. I just feel like these bad moods get in the way of everything I want in life.

Peace love joy beauty freedom. Even though this hasn't been the best gig, the next one might be better. This gig sucked last year too and I thought about quitting the industry and here we are again! Maybe I'll skip this one next year and get a seasonal spot at a ski resort. (I said that last year.) No expectations, I'm just here, everything is fine. Load out will be quick and easy and I can get through it.

I'm literally just sitting here watching the minutes pass until I can get out of here. But you know what? People are having fun out there and I'm glad for them. The stage looks amazing even though I can't bring myself to stand out there and watch it lol.

This DJ is playing a remix of a song but someone earlier in the day also played a remix of this same song on this same stage and I think that's hilarious (unless it was this guys soundcheck that I heard earlier?idek)

Sorry for being such a whiny bitch rn. I'm calming down. I got real dark earlier and now I'm just surrendering to the feelings and it's less intense. I can just sit here and do nothing and get paid for it. This isn't my vibe here and I don't have to force myself to have fun if I don't want to. Going forward, I should seek out more opportunities that match my vibe + skills, but it's fine. One step at a time. The journey continues. This is just like, a swampy part of the trail, it's real muddy and mushy, but the trail will continue and there will be more pleasant scenic spots along the way. More mud, too, it's inevitable, it's all part of the journey, just try to enjoy the ride. I'm fine. I'm going to survive. I'm allowed to have bad moods. This gig is cursed and everyone is having their own reaction to it. Next year I'll skip it and I'll diversify my work opportunities so I can do something that actually feels fulfilling.

My phone is down to 46% and it's 8:40 so I'm gonna go pee and try to relax and it's all gonna be ok, we're almost done here, I can do it. No one cares if I'm in a bad mood just stop being so toxic about it. Relax and let people love you. L is gonna hug me so good later and I'm gonna let him. Everything is fine.

[sunlitmcgee]

Literally that entire passage about XD showing Phil Tommy's memories, gimme ur thoughts king 🎤

OKIE SO. basically.

c!Phil's whole ~problem~ is that like c!Techno he has never once paused to properly consider the effects that his actions have had on the people that he's hurt. He just doesn't bother to acknowledge it and acts like it's water under the bridge. "Oh, well, I did what I did to help you/protect you/punish you/teach you a lesson. it's fine! you'll thank me for it, someday :)"

he just

he REFUSES to see his victims as people and not unruly children that need to sat down and lectured to until they understand that he's in the right all the damn darn time.

and he is never truly affected by what he's done. sure yeah he grieves c!wilbur yeah okay. but like. bitch you KILLED that person for no reason, you loss like 99% of your "emotionally distant from grief" privileges.

So, with that in mind, my thinking was rather simple: How can you best punish someone who refuses to see their victims as people? FORCE them to see the damages they've caused firsthand and go off on them about it.

That was for the first few memory slides. XD just showed Phil a moment where he was neglectful to Tommy(and wilbah), gave him the stink eye, waited for him to go "oooo, yeah no, that was bad, sheeeeeeet"......and was sorely disappointed each time. because this is a version of DSMP!Philza Fuckcraft, and that bitch don't gotta sympathic bone in his body when it comes to the people whose lives he's happily ruined time and time again. especially not tommy. because oh of course in lore him not being a bio son suddenly makes it all okay, right?

He's a man who killed his son for being mentally unwell.

In HWHBH, he's just that. A man. A little mortal crow who can't stand behind the canon excuse of "oooo i'm just so OLD, this is all so BELOW ME!!!' that makes me wanna rip and tear something because fuck off.

He's a man. a mortal. under the weight of air that now loathes him and stood under a sky that would sooner smash him down onto the rocks then ever let him fly again

with that in mind, when we get to the scene where XD shows the memory of the day that he left, you really just gotta sit there and realize that wow. wow. this man who would go on to murder his child in assisted suicide is a truly heartless, truly selfish, truly evil person whose first thought when his other child is brought up is to go "oh, right. that." and say to send him out in the fucking garden in the middle of a gods damned thunder storm.

He is a man who cares only for himself.

For his satisfaction, cheap thrills and childish adventures.

He doesn't value his children. He doesn't care for his family. He doesn't care and he never has. He doesn't care. He doesn't care. He does not care, and for that he has less of a soul than a midnight thunderstorm.

And that's why XD decided to skip the rest of the memories and jumped straight to forcing guilt right into his head. Because that's the only way you can get through to people like HWHBH!Phil.

Ever think about how XD's way of opening him to that forced guilt was to pull a blue diamond and make him feel an ounce of Tommy's emotional pain?

Ever think about how Tommy is only 16?

Ever think about how that tiny ounce of 16 years worth of sadness and anger and pain and loneliness made a 80+ something geezer crumble sobbing into the snow?

Ever think about how WEAK c!Phil really is? How he's just this frail little old man who hides behind a bloodhungry pig while he spews his filthy, self-serving, self-satisfied lies? how easy he breaks when you put him under pressure, how he crumbles under any real judgement or scrutiny so bad he throws a fucking fit and begs that horrid piggy to make the mean awful people go away?

he can't do that.

not anymore.

now the guilt is an infection in his brain that will spread and spread until it swallows him entirely. and he can't cry. and he can't scream. and he can't say that he's sorry to cure himself of it, because the universe is not fair, and now it is his time to wallow in rot for all that he's done.

...

this went from DVD commentary to unhinged video essay script. ah well. crow man bad! there's the TLDR