#literally no one cares at all abt how their shitty fucking actions affect those around them! me!

[hagravenholm]

God i fucking hate living here in this fucking shithole so much Jesus Christ I want to kms.

[libvrtines]

                          hewwo  i’m  felix  ( 20 ,  he / him , gmt )  and  i  just  realised  my  fc  has  no  mf  resources  that  aren’ t from  him  as  a  fetus  and  will  therefore  b  spendin  approximately  all  my  free  hrs  cranking  out  gif  icons  ,  so  lets  get  it  *  pained  laughter  *  !  this  is  my  boy..  except  he’s  not  my  boy  and  i  take  no  credit  for  who  he  is  as  a  person  because  he’s  the  personification  of  a  flaming  dumpster  fire  ,  xu  yuxian  .  his  pinterest  board  is  here  ,  i don’t  have  a  full  amazing  wc  page  but  i  do  have  some  wc’s  beneath..  so  if  u  jus  wanna  stick  around  for  that  i  won’t  blame  u  bc  otherwise  this  is  just  a  Wreck .   (    i  literally  just  had  to  search  up  my  muses  name  bcs  i  forgot  it  but  i  know  he’s  a  scorpio at  least  so  if  that  is  any  indication  of  how  this  is  gonna  be  then  yeah .  this  is  gonna  be  the  Worst   ) .  drop  a  heart  if  you  would  like  to  plot  ,  or  just  add  me  up  on  d*scord  no anime pls im christian#1950  for  quicker  messages  !  TW  :  mentions  of  drugs  ,  violence  ,  death ,  blood  , manipulation  . 

scanning XU YUXIAN, they are TWENTY FOUR year old and read as CUNNING but DECEITFUL, which explains why they are referred to as the VARMINT. before virtual reality HE was IMPRISONED FOR THE DISTRIBUTION OF DRUGS and living in QUINGDAO, CHINA. they’ve been said to look incredibly similar to HUANG ZITAO, but they’ve never seen it. in this new virtual world, they plan on DOING ALL OF THE CRAZY SHIT HE'S ALWAYS WANTED TO and hope to NEVER GO BACK to reality. 

*    BACKGROUND    !

tl ; dr . “ the best way to solve a problem is just to eliminate it . " in thick accented mandarin. the roar of a bike kicked to life with exhaust pouring out of the tailpipe and the low graveled hum as it idles way past midnight. charcoal ashes and heavy-lidded eyes. teeth stained red from marlboro's and split, bloody lips. baseball bats through car windows, the scrape of a bic as it lights. the smell of cigarettes burned deep into veins. the drag of a knife light across a throat. knuckles blooming purple pressed into nose bridges, a smile with a pair of pliers knocking against porcelain teeth. THIS vine. 

so as formerly stated this is yuxian, the worser half of the xu siblings. disruptive and dangerously reactive to any sort of aggression, he's adapted to a reality reliant on violence and force over patience and rationale. he's an overall shitty guy, with some even shittier habits. street smart and instinctive, his world works in harsh turns and bared knuckled fists. 

dropped out of high-school.. was one of those ‘lunch is my fav class’ kids except he got dragged 2 school by the ear when he was younger and then people just. stopped giving a fuck  ! 

so he did what most boys do in big towns with no proper parental guidance: raised a little hell, drank a lot of alcohol when his liver was barely formed, fixed bikes and engines, and beat up a few rich kids who looked @ him the wrong way. speaks like every mf villain in an anime ever. over-enunciates vowels and suffocates his consonants. acts like the stray he p much is w parents as shitty as his. 

the xu family had earned themselves a nasty reputation in the community they lived in. they're tough, they're intimidating. they do things their way. xu’s speak with their fists and their knives and their brass knuckles and their bats, not known for thinking out their actions before acting out. violent. horrible. the worst People™. 

yuxian’s parents owned and operated a dim-lit, greasy restaurant in the heart of their community, once used to deepen the family's pockets as they sold some choice off-menu items, they were offered a deal by a rich family that bought up their block when yuxian was around 15, selling their enhanced drugs imported from europe behind the grime-coated counter. yuxian saw the $$$ and didn’t think abt how risky it would b, or that they’d be the ones caught red handed if they were ever raided. being able to label himself as a drug dealer just made his reputation in the community go up.. and he was livin la vida loca 

along with working as a drug-runner, he liked to fancy himself as something of a debt collector, making sure to "follow up" with anyone who hopes to evade payment to the family. weapons of choice include a baseball bat to the kneecaps and automatic knives. has he actually hurt anybody ?? absolutely Not. he a puthy ass bitch... but don’t say that to his face unless u wanna end up like that ‘what are u gonna do? stab me? guy who then.. got stabbed 

basically yuxian will do whatever it takes to get what he wants and to survive. he never considers himself a bad guy; he considers herself bold where others find him brash. he thinks that he's tough where he's really just a brute. he's never a bully, it's never unjustified, but if he ever is he doesn’t think much of it bc he’s never gonna change , ygm ?? 

he ended up in prison when he started selling drugs to the rich family’s only son, who lbr, became quite a decent friend to yuxian. the son in question had a bad side - effect to the dodgy drugs they were dealing and died of cardiovascular complications. worst thing is that the last memory xian has of the world before virtual reality is waiting for his parents or siblings to come visit him at but being stood up. next thing he knows he’s in a world where his freedom hasn’t been taken from him and he can. he’s Extremely Bitter, and very Chaotic, my guys. so watch out

*    PERSONALITY   !

honestly and truly, at the end of the day, yuxian is not a good friend to have. xian is not friendly. he will never say the thing you want to hear as opposed to how he is feeling, he'll never sugarcoat anything, he'll never be a listening ear. encouragement and support don't exist here. he is fickle and fair-weathered and will use and use and use until there's nothing left to give. 

self-serving and self-invested to his core, he cares so little it's essentially nonexistent for anyone other than himself. not even his family, given the circumstances. he is opinionated and reactive. volatile. if someone is looking for an influence in their life that will give no fucks and encourage even the smallest whispers of an impulse, yuxian is The One™. 

every bad influence every mother's warned about, everything you know you should say no to: that's her. he has nothing to lose and lives his life accordingly. those in his periphery, he encourages to do the same. respect and admiration are not easily earned. he needs to be impressed. the grander the debauchery, the more points earned. but of course, don't try too hard.. bc that’s corny and he can sniff someone simply trying to impress from a mile away. 

still, to those that he's aligned himself with and chosen to befriend – xian can be loyal the way a snake is to a pack. his trigger-haired temper and baseline defensiveness makes him a good rabid junkyard dog to have in any corner. loyalty is mostly reserved for those who benefit him or to those who serve his best interest – contrary to popular belief, he's not entirely stupid. but definitely has been called a bimbo a minimum of five times in his life. 

simply put, he's a thug. his family has terrorised residents and he hasn't fallen too far from the tree, reaping the benefits of everyone's worst expectations. he's vindictive, manipulative, short-tempered and callous. he'll go to extreme lengths – which often include coercion via intimidation or violence – to get what he wants. he has little regard for other peoples' safety, well-being, or feelings. he lives to ruin lives; not in that fuckboy-esque i'm-going-to-steal-your-gf-and-ruin-your-social-life kind of petty bullshit. he IS a fuckboy but that’s besides the point.. 

every action is based on gut-impulse, acting purely out of unfettered emotion without thinking of what the consequences might be down the line. just pls hate him bc he really deserves it. 

speaking of Love.. with a reputation that followed him from a few years into high school for being tht guy who makes u feel good abt urself then leaves u on read, he's learned to embrace it and accept that people think he just can’t commit. xian is not good in relationships, he doesn't quite know how to show affection in a healthy way. he gets possessive and jealous and easily poisons everything from the inside while trying to sort out the subconscious overbearing fear of this person realising how shit he is or actually realising they’re worth more than his half-assed attempts at affection. so instead he keeps it at an arm's distance before it gets that far. 

*    WANTED CONNECTIONS   !

bad influence ( somebody he is corrupting essentially ) friends who like to crash parties / slum around bars  perhaps people who he knows from before and were aware of his ugly reputation ?? idk this is gonna be an area only open to a few but if they ever lived nearby or in the city where he did then it’s a possibility  ! friends who like to smoke weed behind dumpsters people who he can con  someone who tries to see the good in him but beneath the dirt there’s just more Dirt enemies / frenemies violent low-lives who he can connect 2 on an emotional and physical level fwb / one-night stands / some sort of violent dislike in personality which in turn results in sexual tension  ?

[groundramon]

sPEAKING OF WHICH: THAT THING I MENTIONED ABT BEING AFRAID TO BE THE FAT HAPPY KID NOBODY LIKES

I almost completely forgot about that stage of my life for a really long time, but even before Pokemon and MLP were out of style, I was an anxious, shy wreck around others because I was afraid of being seen as cringey and secretly being hated for important things about me.

But I remember it now, and more importantly, I think I remember the exact incident that caused it

It was at my church - my current church - and I was with like...i dont know how old they were, i must’ve been like 4-6 at the time, but my brain seems to be saying middle-school so I’ll say middle-school or lower.  But anyways, I was with this group of girls, for some reason, idk why, but it was either during sunday school or during a VBS.  Honest to god I cant remember the specifics about this except two things: - where it took place in the church (I could literally go walk over there the next time i go to church) - (approximately) what the girl looked like Anyways there was this group of girls, and apparently I was listening to their conversation.  They pointed over to another blonde, overweight girl (the one who I remember what she looked like) who was in their friend group but wasnt with them at the moment, and said something along the lines of “nobody likes her.  She’s fat and ugly and tries to hard to be our friend.” like I’m sure they werent that blunt about it but god if i can remember what they actually said.  All I know is that they were making fun of her and 4-6-year-old me wouldn’t know they were making fun of her for being fat and ugly bc 4-6-year-olds dont understand conventional beauty standards so they had to have said that specifically.

And 4-6-year-old me thought “oh. cool people dont like it when you’re fat and ugly and try to be their friend. okay, i guess i have to let them come to me first.”

That led to an incredibly shy 1st grader (the earliest I remember this impacting me, but I think it affected me earlier too) who tried to make friends but had a hard time.  Thankfully I clicked with some people, and didn’t have to branch out to the more “popular” kids, because I was afraid of them.  (altho some of my friends kinda became popular kids, but i didnt mind, because they still sat with me and my other friends).

But then they grew out of our shared interests, I didnt, people started making jokes about how shitty the things I liked were (I mean they were but), i overheard people talking shit/condescendingly about other people (including people who I was friends with or shared interests with, and hell i even overheard someone talking about me behind my back once, but god i dont care), and it just...broke apart very quickly.

But the ground work for a broken kid who thought they weren’t good enough for anyone unless someone came to them first was set up very early on in my development.  Maybe I would’ve grown out of that if I grew up with a good set of friends that stuck by my side and who I grew up with, maybe I would’ve grown out of that if I was made the popular kid and naturally had people flock to me.

But all I got was validation of those girls’ shitty mindsets.  Only two people ever flocked to me IRL and I knew they were even more scorned by my classmates than I was (straight-up confronted someone talking shit about one of them one time), everyone let me go when I didn’t reach out first, and people later judged me for my interests (which were and still are a huge part of who I am, like i dont have a fucking personality i have interests lmfao).  The only friend I have left IRL is the only friend that was an exception to these rules.  (Well except one of the friends that flocked to me, she straight-up left me for the popular crowd no buts about it, which included one of my oldest friends but ANYWAYS-)

And even now, I think a big part of the reason why I dont comment as much as I could/should is because I’m worried about being the annoying fat kid friend - or in this case, just the annoying friend, bc nobody (well except one friend) online knows what I look like lol.  But if you repeatedly message me, I know you’re actually flocking to me, so I know its okay to talk to you.  (There’s also the problem that I just dont know what to say 90% of the time, but anyways-)

So like.  Sorry for being an antisocial asshole, I’m pretty fucked up

And yeah, I actually am pretty mad about this.  I’ve said this before, but: I dont have much sympathy for myself, but the older I get, the angrier I get about shit that happened to me as a kid.  And god, I’m pissed.  I hope those girls from church sleep well at night, knowing they’ve indirectly driven a 6-year-old from anxiety to depression to suicidal thoughts, and probably fucked up that poor other fat girl as well - not to mention all the other kids they left in the dark with their hateful thoughts and actions