#literally howww have i ever been in relationships before??

[gregmarriage]

how gay is it on a scale of one to ten, if you and a girl send each other pics of cute underwear you bought (but not of you wearing it)

[sunny-luna]

We’re learning about positive psychology in Psychology and one of the things that got brought up is ‘looking back on happy memories and emotions (reminiscing)’ and it occurred to me I can’t really think of that many happy memories that don’t feel tainted now

Vent below

Like, before May we were basically inseparable so almost every memory I have from the last six years she’s in it, and now she probably hates me and I can’t even blame her for it because I sabotaged myself, i felt like I broke a little and I just got so angry and I’m Still angry and I don’t know what to do. Every friendship I’ve ever had I eventually lose them, either we drift apart or I push them away. And the only fucking relationship I’ve managed to keep since grade fucking three is the guy who told me no one liked me and tried to isolate me from all my friends because I can’t fucking let go of anyone ever, the people I hate are still here and the people I miss still feel like an empty gaping hole in my being. Her partner, M, probably hates me too and she’s Bug’s best friend so Bug will probably find out and if I lose her I don’t know if I can keep going, not in a life sense but just in a ‘I might fully emotionally shut down for who knows how long’ I already basically am. The cracks started in February with Everything and it’s just gotten worse. None of my coping strategies work anymore, being with bug and gnome is the only time I feel genuinely happy being with people, like, I’m not just holding myself up and having fun but I’m Genuinely happy. I love them, and I’m so scared I’m gonna lose them too. They should invent a relationship that doesn’t slip through your fingers the moment you mess it up. AND GODS SHES BEING JUST LIKE BRAE. “Oh I hate them because they were my best friend for years then suddenly just started getting distant and left without a reason and made me think it was my fault” howww do you think I feel? Do you not see you’re doing the exact same thing?

Okay going back up for spell check I think saying February started ‘cracks’ is misleading because it makes it sound like that only affected me a little but it’s just I pushed it aside for months and it finally started hitting me in like October that I still Really Fucking Miss Him AT LEAST I am Talking to people about it now. But yeah. Un ironically maybe the worst I have felt for a very long time. This is probably not because I hav been burying feelings but like who knows. I’m not examining that right now. Aegghhg it’s like mainly depression with an unconscious Amount of denial I can’t get rid of like I’m still waiting for it to be proven false even though I know it won’t happen and sometimes there’s anger but like I said I can never let go of people so even then I can’t. Hate my brain literally why do you suck why do you have attachment issues in every way. Stop it. I have to live with the consequences of it. On the topic of attachment issues I realized I am horribly codependent or something of the sort because Why was (is) my mental health dependant fully in like. A single relationship, glad I improved that (it’s now three so it’s more balanced but still probably not healthy)

Anyways oh hellos literally what is that they put drugs in the songs or something because I realized midway through writing this that laying on my floor in silence was making everything worse so I put on the Christmas album and now I feel Considerably better. No other band had this much of an effect What do they put in there and what would happen if I could get it straight up. I’d probably die tbh anyways yeah conclusion note this is probably Not helped by seasonal depression and general depression and the fact it’s nearly been one year since Christmas trip (last clear happy memory before February) (the trip I watched a Ton of sbi clips for the first time on and also the talisman stream and also read passerines and some other fics and stuff, kinda the catalyst for the sbi hyperfixation) so I’m extra fucked up But. We have a band concert in four days so at least then everything will be fine because band banishes every thought from my brain bc I’m too focused on counting, shout-out to band for helping me ignore all my issues