#literally done with an hour left in october

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

Ever since October 7th, the amount of misinformation and disinformation about Jews, Israel, Judaism, and even just like, basic facts about reality have been so intense that it's really dredging up a lot of my gaslighting trauma.

(No, not in the memic sense that it's been distorted into, but the kind of gaslighting that leads you to detransition and think it was your choice despite drowning in dysphoria, the kind that warps and changes and erases memories, and makes it so that you dissociate for literal months at a time to escape the pain. That kind.)

And I recognized this because I keep finding myself arguing facts and trying to reason with people who say that they're part of the compassionate left and care about working on antisemitism but yet spew the kind of antisemitism that would be totally at home on Stormfront.

It's that first arguing stage of gaslighting, where the abuser keeps saying outrageous, untrue things and you're still fighting to try and get them to empathize with you and seek mutual understanding. This:

A gaslighter does not simply need to be right. He or she also needs for you to believe that they are right. In stage 1, you know that they are being ridiculous, but you argue anyways. You argue for hours, without resolution. You argue over things that shouldn’t be up for debate — your feelings, your opinions, your experience of the world. You argue because you need to be right, you need to be understood, or you need to get their approval. In stage 1, you still believe yourself, but you also unwittingly put that belief up for debate.

(bolding mine) (source)

This is a pattern I recognize in myself in personal relationships and even within communities, but what's happening right now is a lot bigger and more diffuse. It's not one abuser or even a shitty cohort of abusive people who are monopolizing a community space. This is being encouraged in a frighteningly large number of non-Jewish progressive spaces. In the same way that stochastic terrorism adds up very quickly, this type of cultural gaslighting and stochastic emotional abuse feels like a deluge.

But if you look at history, this is not new, for Jews. This is but the latest version of a very long game of Why Won't You Just Give Up and Assimilate or Die that Jews have thus far prevailed on at great cost to ourselves.

Anyway I'm done arguing with goyim about things that absolutely should not be up for debate: Jewish history, Jewish culture, what certain religious concepts in Judaism mean, Jewish lived experiences, what is and isn't antisemitism. If you aren't willing to engage in a genuine way that seeks mutual understanding, I'm not interested. I'm done.

You are engaging in violent behavior and lying to yourself about it and calling it activism. Well I am no longer going to participate. You can lie to yourself all you want, but you are a bad person and I don't forgive you, and you can do that alone.

You are acting from a mob mentality and a mob cannot be reasoned with. You are drunk on your tiny bit of power and social capital, and years down the line you'll lie to yourself and pretend that you cared about us.

You didn't. And deep down you know it, too.

Instead of arguing with people who refuse to see facts or reason and put our experiences up for debate, I am going to work on compiling a resource for people who want to actually learn.

Everyone else can fuck off.

[uwupaige]

the nanny [paige bueckers] part four

read part three here!

chapter six: happy birthday, mom.

wiping away a new bead of sweat that formed on the side of her forehead, catherine didn't realize the smudge of pale, pastel purple paint she left there, continuing on with her activity like normal.

today was october 20th, paige's 23rd birthday. and one thing she wanted for her birthday was to finish making her spacious apartment a home for her daughter. obviously she had plans to go party later on that night, but finally having a day off, all she wanted to do was catch up on everything she had been promising the little girl for weeks now.

"ever thought about putting maddie in sports, too?" catherine spoke up from her side of madison's now purple room, breaking the silence. minutes ago, they discussed madison's lack of friends at school, her social skills improving, but limitedly. then catherine had the idea.

paige shrugged from her spot on the small, metal ladder, only needing the support of a couple steps to reach the edge where the wall and ceiling meet to finish her paint job. "i dunno.. she's never expressed any interest."

the brunette titled her head, thinking for a moment before speaking, covering up the random patches of white on the wall. "or maybe you just weren't there to see when she would."

paige nodded, though she knew catherine couldn't see, both of their backs turned from each other as they tried to finish this paint job. paige tried to offer the girl a day off, even stating she'd found a babysitter for the night so catherine didn't have to come in, but the girl insisted. especially when paige read her the list of things she wanted to get done that day, her body almost made her get up and head to their place immediately.

"that's true.. but she doesn't talk about anything she wants to do." the blonde kept talking towards the wall, "sports, dance, drama, art, singing—nothing, cat."

catherine fell silent again, her thoughts searching for another answer to paige's dilemma. a few moment pass before she chirps up again, "we should find her some sort of camp for her. they have all of those things..." she suggested, knowing madison would be able to find her niche in an environment like that. "or those little leagues that do every sport. thats how i got super into soccer."

now paige looked past her shoulder, eyeing catherine, noticing her once grey shorts now decorated in purple paint. "you played soccer?"

before the woman could answer, the familiar, little voice that belonged to madison filled their senses, interrupting their conversation. "can i help now paigey?"

turning away from her gaze on catherine momentarily, paige smiled down at the girl from her position on the small ladder. "yeah. wanna help me pull the blue tape off?" paige asked, gesturing towards the blue masking tape that outlined the white floorboards. madison's face lit up, nodding eagerly.

it had already been a long day spent in the girls room, and both of the women had kicked madison out several times so she wouldn't make a mess or possibly mess anything up. paige couldn't lie, she was so grateful that catherine offered to help, because she probably would've been doing this all night long.

madison's broken down furniture and toys sat still in the hallway, taking up a good chunk of space. catherine tried to not look over at it, wanting to deny the inevitable rebuilding of the furniture they would have to do once they finished, which wasn't far away. it already took them most of their morning to take it apart, so she could only imagine how the next couple of hours spent putting it together would go.

˚✧.*

"paige, it literally says that this piece goes right there." catherine explained, her voice soft but her tone frustrated. she plopped herself on the carpeted floor directly next to paige, who was focused on the furniture piece in front of her. their arms and legs touching with every movement she made, practically shoving the manual in the blondes face.

"bro, i've put her furniture together on my own before. i'm pretty sure i know what to do." paige sassed, keeping her eyes on the shelf in front of her, not bothering to look at catherine's directions.

the two had been bickering over the furniture for the past hour, going back and forth about what piece went where and so on. they were currently putting madison's short but long shelf dedicated to her toys together.

the brunette rolled her eyes, annoyed with how paige dismissed her help yet again. "ay, okay." she sighs, standing up from her position on the floor. walking to the door leading out of the small girls bedroom. opting to instead start on some food for everyone, she turns to paige reluctantly. "i'm gonna make maddie something to eat. want any?"

paige contemplated being petty and telling the girl she was fine, also a bit frustrated from catherine's overwhelming help. "i'm alright."

seeing right through her, catherine made her way down the hallway, a quick, "right." leaving her lips.

as paige tried to screwed the shelf in its place on the bookcase, she felt a bit bad about dismissing the girl so much. but it wasn't until the shelf began looking lopsided that she regretted her dismissal. looking around the ground beneath her, paige looked for the manual but to no avail. "shit." she whispers to herself.  "hey, cat?.. can i see the directions." paige called out, uncertainty laced her voice, knowing she'll never live this down.

"ha!" was all that could be heard in response.

˚✧.*

happy to find some food waiting for her after she finishes reassembling her daughters furniture, paige sat with the two girls in the spacious kitchen for a while, catherine making conversation with her.

"are they picking you up?" the brunette asks, grabbing paige's empty plate from in front of her on instinct to toss in the sink.

"thanks," the blonde spoke quickly to her kind gesture before answering her question, "uh, yeah. they say it's a surprise."

"where are you going, paigey?" madison chirped up from beside her mom, sat directly in the stool next to her as she worked in her drawing, one she kept telling everyone not to look at.

"i'm going to a birthday party, babe." paige answered casually, her voice sweet.

"can i come with?" madison asked innocently, not knowing it was different than the kid and family birthday parties she's attended.

"one day," paige answered hesitantly, "this birthday is only for big people.. but it's okay, you get to hang out with cat."

"i think i want to go to the big people party more." madison said truthfully, catherine's jaw dropping as paige snorted out a laugh.

"i'd rather hang out with you and cat, but my friends are making me go." paige says to her daughter, then turning to catherine, "you're sure you don't want to go?"

paige had spent most of their day together trying to convince catherine to hang out with them, saying she had someone to watch madison for the night and to take the night off.

laughing, catherine looks over at the blonde, "yeah, i'm sure. when're they getting you?"

"kk said to be ready at 8."

catherine looked past her shoulder at the time displayed on the black stove, lightly gasping when the time read 6:48. "yo, you gotta get ready."

looking past the girl, paige grimaced, hopping up from her seat, saying something about how catherine was right and rushing to her room.

"hey, cat?" madison spoke up from her almost finished drawing, one that would melt everyone's hearts, looking at catherine.

breaking her eyes away from her laptop screen which displayed her assignment due that night on it, still leaning against the dark granite counter, her exposed stomach lifting off of it as she straightened her posture, smiling at the girl. "what's up, mama?"

"do you think paigey will like this?" madison asked, turning her nearly finished drawing to the woman. it was a drawing of paige playing basketball. not the best drawing by any means, but a touching one nonetheless.

a hand coming up to her chest, catherine pouted, nodding, "aw.. your mom is gonna love it." catherine said genuinely, madison smiling at that.

a few moments passed, a curious face plastered on madison's before she spoke once again. "why do you call paigey my mom sometimes?"

catherine was honestly confused at her question, not exactly knowing how to answer her curiosity, "what do you mean?"

thinking a bit deeper, madison explained, "well, grandma always said paigey didn't try to be a mom, so i shouldn't call her mom. i don't really know what she means, though."

catherine's eyebrows jumped at the girls statement, appalled an adult would relay these words to such a young child. appalled it was paige's mom. "uh.."

now, the brunettes attention was solely on the little girl right across from her, pulling the screen of her laptop down, arms crossed in front of her tank top. "well.. i can tell you that paige is definitely trying. and that she really loves you." she says matter of factly, taking a small pause as she gathered the rest of her thoughts. "you might not see it now because you're so young, but you'll see it one day."

madison sat there, thinking about catherine's words to the best of her abilities.

catherine noticed the girls pondering look, questioning further. "do you want to call paigey 'mom'?"

madison looks up from her ponder, nodding with light in her eyes. "yeah! everyone at kindergarten calls their paigey's mom."

catherine giggled at the girl, leaning against the granite once more. "well, i'm sure she would like that."

"but grandma said i shouldn't."

shrugging, catherine lowers her voice mischievously, "grandma doesn't need to know." madison smiles at the girl, laughing. catherine wasn't sure how she felt about telling the girl it was okay to go against her grandma, but at the same time, she also didn't care a whole bunch. "okay, okay. go get ready for bed."

as if she knew she was the topic of conversation, paige came strolling down the hall, phone in her hand as she spoke to the device before ending the call. "relax, i'm heading down now, kk."

catherine looked up from her conversation with madison, taking in the woman now walking toward her. her blonde hair was styled down in small waves, light makeup accentuating her natural beauty, going well her cargos. she would've been stuck staring had paige not began to speak.

"alright, i'm leaving." she announced, looking around for her essentials. gathering everything she needed, her gaze fell on her daughter. "be good. i'll be here in the morning when you wake up.. i love you."

"i love you, too." madison spoke as she got off of the stool she'd be sitting on for at least an hour now, going to give her mom a hug. "happy birthday, mom."

to say paige was caught off gaurd was an understatement. she didn't realize in the moment, but her mouth was agape, looking down at the small girl hugging her leg, her face hidden by her messy hair. "t-thank you, babe."

soon, madison was running off to her room to get ready for bed like catherine asked of her, paige watching until she was out of eyesight.

turning her body completely, only to find catherine in a similar state of shock. she didn't expect madison to start saying it so soon after their conversation. "yo?" paige said to the girl beside her, confusion, excitement and shock spread across her face. catherine chuckled out her gasp, surprised as well. "she's never called me mom before." she stated, her voice softer than her original excitement moments prior. paige soon felt the stinging feeling of tears forming in her eyes, looking up momentarily as to not mess her small amount of makeup.

catherine's pout mixed with the inevitable smile she had, her head tilting to the side in infatuation with the situation before her, her hand finding the spot on her chest that hid her heart from the outside. "where did that come from?" paige asked out loud, not to anyone specific, looking up when catherine began to talk.

"maddie was just wondering.." catherine trailed off, not exactly knowing what to say either. "i didn't expect her to start saying it so quickly."

"you got her to talk about it?" paige asked, confused. catherine just nodded, noticing how her once touched mood shifted to a more neutral one. a smile began to form on paige's face, but before she could even get a response, her phone started to ring obnoxiously. sighing, she picked up the call. "i'm leaving now, kk."

something about paige attempting to question her conversation with madison made catherine nervous. maybe she shouldn't have said anything?

"i have to go." paige spoke to the girl, a look catherine can't quite place sitting upon her face. "you're sure you don't want to come with?"

"do i look like i'm ready?" catherine joked, "i'm sure. go, go... we'll catch up later." she encouraged the girl to leave.

paige stood still in her spot, deep down just wanting to stay and talk. it took a few seconds of them holding each others gaze comfortably before she could actually leave. "yeah, okay." she nodded, heading towards the door. "thank you. bye."

catherine smiled, waving the girl goodbye. "bye. have fun."

˚✧.*

loud laughs could be heard outside of paige's front door as the blonde fumbled with the doorknob.

"shh. i have neighbors." the girl laughed with her friends, thinking she was being quiet, completely unaware she was being just as loud.

finally opening the door, the woman took in the vibe of her nearly dark condo, realization setting in. walking in further, her friends not even a few feet behind her, she found a slumped catherine on her living room couch. her face resembled one of peace as she rested comfortably, illuminated by the small floor lamp beside her. she still had some paint on her from earlier. catherine's laptop sat still on the coffee table beside her, accompanied by a couple of loose sheets of paper. paige assumed she fell asleep doing homework.

"aye, p—"

kk was cut off by an obnoxious shushing from paige, gesturing to the girl who was sound asleep on her couch. "shut up." she whispered, for real time time. her eyes set on the sleeping girl, noticing how she began to stir. her eyes widened, quickly moving to push her friends out of her apartment, trying desperately to not wake catherine.

at this, catherine's eyes started to flutter open. it was blurry for a moment, her eyes adjusting to the dim area. she watched as paige closed the door on her friends, noticing her attempt to be quiet.

"they didn't have to leave," catherine spoke from her laid out position on the couch, sleepiness coating her words as paige turning around quickly at her sudden appearance.

"oh—uh, i just didn't wanna wake you."

catherine's hand came up to rub her eyes, mascara definitely smudging at least a little. "no worries, i was gonna leave when you got here, anyway." paige just nodded at this, her palms starting to sweat, sticking them in her pockets. "how was it? the party." catherine asked, sitting up and stretching.

"uh.." paige started, but her attention was caught by catherine's exposed stomach, tan and soft looking. and the way her head tilted side to side in relief, her neck out in the open. it was like paige had just realized she was definitely not sober, and needed to gain control of her thoughts. "it was good."

"yeah? where'd you guys go?" catherine inquired, pulling her locks out of its messy pony tail in attempt to fix it.

all that did was distract paige further, really liking how her thick, brown hair framed her face. "um.."

paige assumed she probably looked really dumb right now. but it was catherine's expecting yet confused look that made her realize just how dumb she looked. "nika got one of the football guys to lend us his place, it was huge. and they, uh, invited a bunch of people. so it was fun."

"love nika." catherine spoke gently, smiling at the good news. "well, i'm glad it was fun." she nodded, hands falling to her sides as she swung her legs over the couch, planting her feet on the floor and pushing herself up from her spot on the couch.

paige noticed how she began to collect her belongings, speaking before she could conclude her thoughts. "you can stay, y'know."

catherine dismisses her offer politely, closing her laptop that rested on the coffee table, "oh, no, that's okay."

"you shouldn't drive tired." paige informs. something in her was telling her to not let the girl leave. she was holding on to catherine's promise to catch up when paige returned home that night.

"i'll be fine. gotta get home to the cat." catherine smiles genuinely, playfulness in her tone. she tugged her black jacket on, zipping it over her small tank after she finished packing the rest of her things into her black purse, her laptop resting comfortably in her arms. "thank you though."

heading to the door, paige follows after catherine to see her out. "happy birthday, paige." catherine spoke softly. her hand came to rest on the girls arm for a moment, somehow deepening the sincerity of her words, before she turned away, making her way down the familiar hallway.

"thanks, cat." paige sees her off, having to force herself to keep her eyes anywhere but where they desperately tried to go. paige waited for catherine to disappear down the hall, turning the corner that would lead her to the exit.

paige closed the front door behind her, locking it swiftly before she made her way to the empty porch that connected itself to her living room. sliding the glass door open, paige stepped out into the chilly night, her hands immediately finding solace in the warm pockets of her pants. she waited a couple minutes until she could see catherine leaving the building, looking for and heading towards her deep red car.

as if she could feel paige's eyes on her, catherine looked up, hand ready on her car door as she smiled up at the girl, a small wave followed. paige waved by quickly, her hand finding her pocket once more when she saw catherine open her car door, climbing in and quickly starting her engine.

paige stayed in her spot until she saw the girl peel out of the parking spot and drive towards the main road. however, she didn't leave to go inside. instead, she leaned against the small wall that acted like a railing, breathing in the connecticut air. with catherine still fresh on her mind, paige sighed.

"damn."

chapter seven: the cheetah girls.

walking through the packed aisles of the spirit halloween store, madison ran up and down desperately and excitedly looking for the costume of her dreams. princess dresses, pirate hats, animal tails—you name it. the world was at her feet, but a lot of options weren't catching her attention. for some reason, the girl was being very picky when it came to her halloween costumes.

catherine could appreciate her indecisiveness. she was the same way with things like that—but, halloween was tomorrow, and they were running out of time. and if catherine hadn't mentioned taking madison trick or treating that morning before paige left for classes, paige would've completely forgotten about it.

"i like this one!" madison's small voice rang through the ears of her nanny, causing her to look down at what the girl was pointing at, excited she had finally found something to peek her interest.

"that one's so cute." the brunette smiles, agreeing with the girl. it was a cheetah costume. the headband and tail adorned in brown glitter to go with the brown cheetah print, it falling all over the floor and the womans hands the moment she grabbed it off the rack. "you could be like the cheetah girls!" catherine spoke excitedly, turning to hold the costume up to the small girl to envision it.

madison's head cocked to the side, confusion apparent on her face, wondering what in the world catherine was talking about. "what's the cheetah girls?"

the woman's eyes widened, unsure if she was shocked that the girl had never experienced the cheetah girls, or offended because that just aged her tremendously in her mind. catherine's hands dropped to her sides instantly, the costume following. "you've never seen cheetah girls?" madison shook her head, indicating she had no idea what catherine was talking about. "cheetah girls is life changing, maddie."

"what is it?" the girl questioned, now reaching up to grab the brunettes arm as catherine shuffled through the rack to find madison's size. catherine then went down a long, long rabbit hole about the lore that was the cheetah girls, doing her best to explain in simple words to the little girl before throwing her costume into the small shopping basket in her arms.

and that's how they made it back to the spacious condo sooner than they expected, chilling on the dark grey couch with several blankets and various snacks. catherine insisted they watched the trilogy together.

they were about almost done with the second movie, the pair now up from their respective spots on the couch and jumping around to the soulful, latin music playing. catherine undoubtedly knew every single word to every single song. she also knew every dance move, absolutely relishing in teaching madison the steps.

they continued their dance party in the living room, unaware of the sound of the front door opening. an amused paige walked through, her black backpack sitting comfortably on her muscular shoulders as she just watched the pair absolutely get down to the disney music, holding in her laughs as best as she could. arms crossed, she leaned her hip against the kitchen counter, feet away from the show in front of her.

madison was the one to notice her mom, catherine's back to the blonde completely. the small girls jumping stopped momentarily, "hi, mommy!" her words were loud and breathy, tired from the workout of a dance she was performing.

the brunette stopped her dancing almost immediately at the knowledge of paige being there. she turned to meet eyes with paige, hers widening slightly at the fact that paige was actually there. catherine too was out of breath as paige let out a much needed laugh, her cheeks growing a pretty shade of red. embarrassed, she stood up straight, smoothing her clothes down to her body as she reached for the remote to turn the volume down to a respective level. she could only imagine what paige's neighbors thought.

"okay, okay. hilarious, i know." catherine then holds up a hand, as if to try and shush the woman's over done laughs, tossing the remote onto the couch beside her. paige, however, kept on giggling, trying to get her words out.

"nice moves." she finally spoke, a few laughs to follow that statement. catherine scrunched her nose at her, then playfully rolling her eyes momentarily with a grin.

madison hopped down from where she was jumping on the dark couch, running towards her mom, greeting her  cheerfully with a tight hug to her hip. "hey, babe. how was your day?" paige smiled down at the curly headed girl, noticing the way catherine styled it today, somehow getting cuter by the day.

"good! cat took me costume shopping."

nodding, paige questioned her further, shrugging her backpack off. "yeah? find anything you like?"

madison smiled at the thought of her new costume, rambling further about her day, "mhm! i'm gonna be a cheetah, and now me and cat are watching cheetah girls because she said i needed to watch it."

the blonde chuckled at the excitement her daughter was exuding, trying her best to keep up with her. "did she?" paige chuckles, looking at catherine momentarily. catherine just gave the woman a shrug and a smile. she took their interaction as her sign to leave for the day, like so many times before.

gathering her belongings, catherine threw her phone and car keys into her dark brown purse, slinging it over her shoulder. however, she didn't make it far before paige stopped her. "hey, cat?"

looking up from her purse, she caught paige's eyes with a nod. "yeah?"

the blonde paused momentarily, directing madison back to the couch to finish her movie. her gaze fell on catherine once more, her crystal eyes intimidating at first. the woman opted to look elsewhere, but just found herself staring at other features on paige's face.

catherine had caught herself staring at paige more and more over the past week or so. since the night of paige's birthday, she somehow managed to catch catherine's attention. something a lot of people didn't do. she tried her best to shake her thoughts, the overwhelming guilt of being unprofessional taking over her as paige began to speak.

"do you think you could take maddie out of the house for a bit?" paige asked, almost hesitant, or nervous.

catherine raised a single eyebrow at the woman, just simply confused. "yeah.. why?" she asked, her voice soft as usual.

paige looked away, pausing in between her words. "i, uh, have a friend coming over."

catherine almost immediately knew what she meant by the tone of her voice, her brow dropping. "a friend?" the girl asked, unamused at the lie, a hand coming to her hip.

"yes, a friend," paige clarified, her too unamused at catherine's suggestive and accusatory attitude. "she's in my gerontology class. we're gonna study for midterms."

the brunettes eyebrows furrowed, her arms now crossing right below her chest, letting her question slip out. "the hell is gerontology?"

paige shook her head at the woman, preferring to not have to get into details the way she always did when people questioned what classes she was taking. "can you take her out for a bit? there's a park down the street."

catherine sighed, not about to argue with or question the woman further. she was technically her boss, though they had become more like friends as the days passed. nodding, looking down at her white socks, she reluctantly agreed. "yeah, i gotchu."

paige began to thank the girl profusely, hands clasping in front of her gratefully as catherine just gave her an unamused smile, head shaking with a slight chuckle. "hey, maddie?" catherine called out to the girl cuddled up on the dark grey couch.

˚✧.*

the cool, october afternoon breeze whistled through the trees. most of the tall saplings were decorated in brown and red leaves, some lacking leaves completely.

the pair were hanging out at the park paige had suggested they went to earlier. catherine took this as her chance to introduce madison to sports. but, specifically, to her favorite sport—soccer. she had explained it briefly and simply to the small girl. watching as she kicked the ball around, catherine grew comfortable in the bench she had been residing on ever since she picked up her ringing phone.

in fact, catherine's thoughts were consumed with the beauty that was autumn, she had almost forgotten the older woman on the line.

"catalina maria!" a loud voice rang through the girls phone to her ears, the sound of her first and middle name instantly startling her out of her daydreaming.

"sorry, mami, you cut out." the girl made up an excuse to avoid the lecture she'd receive from her mother on listening. a hand came up to her forehead, her thumb and pointer finger sliding across it to soothe her incoming headache. "but, um, i'm pretty busy with work. i'll come visit soon, though."

"never in my thirty eight years of life did i think my daughter would be too busy to come see me because she was working." the woman spoke, catherine immediately recognizing her tone as a playful one. "you always swore you'd be a house wife one day. it was like your dream when you were small, chiquita."

catherine shook her head at her mothers jokes, small laughs leaving her lips. looking up from her lap, the brunette watched as a small madison kicked around the black and white soccer ball excitedly. the small field looked huge to the girl, and catherine remembered feeling the same way.

catherine felt like it was an odd time to be at the park, noticing how the sun was to start set soon. however, all she could do was blame the odd timing on paige's study date. at least, that's what she called it.

catherine tried to avoid the thought. she tried even harder to avoid being annoyed about it. she wasn't sure if she was annoyed that they had been kicked out of the apartment, or the ladder. she was going with the first option though, not wanting to delve deep into those underlying thoughts anytime soon.

with almost perfect comedic timing, catherine noticed the tall blonde walking towards her, eyeing the bench she sat on. deciding now would be the right time to end her phone conversation with her mom, she spoke to the woman on the other end of the line. "alright, mami, i have to go."

the brunette hears her mother sigh on the other end, a slight huff leaving her lips. "promise to me you'll come visit soon."

catherine smiled at her mother, though she couldn't see her, her response simple. "hard ask. i love you."

"love you, mija."

catherine pulled the phone away from her ear, tapping the red button that would successfully end her call, still chuckling at their conversation moments later.

"who was that?" a curious paige asked as she walked up to the woman, taking the empty spot on the green, metal bench where catherine resided.

"my mom." catherine grinned, looking up to meet paige's eyes, less intimidating than they were a couple of hours ago.

paige had never heard catherine talk about her mom. or any family for that matter. all she could recall was her mentioning a woman named molly. the two were friends, but they'd never had the chance to ever really talk in depth about anything. "how'd that go?"

"eh." catherine shrugs, now turning her head to watch madison. the girl was still going at it with that ball. "who'd you have your study date with?"

"classmate named ally. and it wasn't a study date." paige informed and corrected, catherine just chuckling lightly at this.

"mhm. how'd that go?"

paige hit her with the same response she was given, a small shrug and an, "eh." the brunette then brings her attention back to the woman beside her, shooting her a grin as paige continued. "she just wanted to study."

catherine snorts at the statement, "what'd you expect?"

paige shoved the woman lightly, sucking at her teeth, "bro, shut up."

"seriously.." catherine fell off, not sure if she wanted to continue on with the definitely inappropriate and unprofessional question that had been on her mind since earlier that day. she questioned on anyway. "are you trying to seriously date?"

"not sure." paige responded normally, like she was having a normal conversation with a normal friend. however, her response through catherine off.

the woman's eyebrows furrowed, shaking her head at paige. "i wouldn't." she spoke, her voice softer than initially. catherine could read paige's face clearly, it asking her 'why?' looking away momentarily to make sure madison was still playing happily, she answered. "look, i believe in true love, fairy tales, soulmates—"

"of course you do." paige interrupted with a teasing smirk.

"but," cat talks over her loudly, already expecting to be made fun of. "in my experience, it's not wise when you're not ready. and already have so much on your plate." catherine explained, looking over at madison once again. "maddie needs you more."

paige nodded, understanding where catherine was speaking from, agreeing with her completely. "yeah... yeah, she does."

just the thought of her daughter lacking a mother in her life made paige want to tear up. having madison in her life the last couple of months has changed paige entirely. even having catherine as a new face in her life has changed her for the better. it's changed both paige and madison for the better. their dynamic, their relationship—it wouldn't be where it is without catherine there everyday. and paige knew it.

the blonde watches at an excited madison runs towards them both, too lost in thought to really fully register the interaction between the small girl and the woman beside her.

"cat i really like this game." madison confesses as she jogs, out of breath.

catherine smiles with a few nods, "isn't it so fun?" madison just nodding profusely in response, a huge smile on her face.

"mom, do you wanna play with us?" madison asks paige, turning to catch her mom looking at her in awe.

paige thankfully was paying attention enough to answer the girl, giving her an unsure look. "i don't know, mads. i'm not good at soccer."

"please." she pleaded, dragging out her words, her eyes big and hypnotic. how could paige say no?

"okay, okay, fine. but cat has to play with us."

catherine scoffs at paige throwing her under the bus, but doesn't complain since she knew she would have a great time anyway.

"yay! cat's on my team." madison cheered, now jogging back towards the field.

now it was paige's turn to scoff. she went to argue, but stopped once she saw how happily catherine jogged over to madison's side of the field, deciding to keep her disagreement to herself.

they kicked the ball around for serval minutes, catherine and madison racking up way more goals than paige could've ever had the chance to score. needless to say, the pair absolutely crushed paige. paige noticed how she she was way better than the average player—she was way better than paige thought.

falling to the ground dramatically, out of breath from all of the running, paige complimented the woman walking towards her. "you're really good."

catherine was wearing a confident grin holding out a hand for paige to grab on to. "i played for twelve years, i'd hope so."

the blonde took her helping hand, pulling herself off the dirty grass, a wondering look prominent on her face. "why'd you stop?"

catherine stopped at that, not sure if she wanted to delve that deep yet. she always felt like it made her look weak, or like she was attention seeking, when really she was just looking for a person to listen. talking about herself was something she was never the best at. "long story."

"what?" paige inquired, not taking her first rejection as a sign of her not wanting to talk about it.

still hand in hand, catherine could feel one of their palms becoming sweaty. taking her hand out of paige's, she wiped it against her black sweats. "just shit with my ex, he's.. it's complicated."

paige desperately wanted to know more, cringing momentarily at the mention of her ex being a man. not sure why that small piece of information bothered her so much, she decided to stop pushing. for both of their sakes.

paige noticed how she had went pretty quiet, noticing her now sad demeanor, one she had never seen from catherine before.

"hey, i know it's last minute, but we're having a halloween party tomorrow—me and the team. you should come." the blonde offered, though she was aware of catherine's persistent declining.

and as suspected, the brunette began waving her hand, attempting to decline her offer. paige didn't take that answer though.

"you have to."

catherine stumbled over her words momentarily, looking for any excuse to say no. honestly, she was just nervous to hang out with paige and her friends outside of 'work.' she wouldn't even know how to act, truly. "what about maddie? we have to take her trick or treating."

paige shooed her off, shaking her head at catherine's persistence. "we'll go after we take her trick or treating. it doesn't start until late anyway."

catherine sighs, an eye roll to follow as she crosses her arms righr below her chest. paige smiles a bit, almost sure she was getting through to her. "i'll think about it."

paige clapped once as she relished in her half success, "aye!"

the sun was setting soon after, each of the girls taking their spots on the dark, green grass. paige and catherine sat either side of madison as they all basked in the glow the sun left on the sky, relishing each others company before the sky became dark, and they made their way to their respective homes.

part five!!

authors note!

i just want them to date so bad, i need more couples moments like now. but, spoiler no spoiler, this is a #slowburn🫣 also, paige lore drop?? mommy issues?? idk, we'll see. also, i'm absolutely adoring the ever growing relationship between all of them.

also—so so sorry for the wait, i've been working full time this summer before classes start and it is absolutely killing me haha. also, this was barely proofread oopsies

but i'm so excited for chapter eight, it will be out either tonight or tomorrow! it’s already up on my wattpad, and it’s a long one lol!

of course, if you want more frequent updates, check out my wattpad @/money4martin !!

as always, let me know your thoughts!

thanks for reading 🩷

- mari 🫧

6.2k words.

[warrioreowynofrohan]

LOTR Newsletter - October 11

The hobbits and Aragorn are walking in the direction of the Bridge of Mitheithel across the Hoarwell River:

Four days passed, without the ground or scene changing much, except that behind them Weathertop slowly sank, and before them the distant mountains loomed a little nearer. Yet since that far cry they had seen and heard no sign that the enemy had marked their flight or followed them. They dreaded the dark hours, and kept watch in pairs by night, expecting at any time to see black shapes stalking in the grey light, dimly lit by the cloud-veiled moon; but they say nothing, and heard no sound but the sigh of withered leaves and grass. Not once did they feel the sense of present evil that had assailed them before the attack in the dell. It seemed too much to hope that the Riders had lost their trail again. Perhaps they were waiting to make some ambush in a narrow place? At the end of the fifth day the ground began once more to rise slowly out of the wide shallow valley into which they had descended.

In fact their worries have been accurate: there have been three Ringwraiths lying in wait on the Bridge of Mitheithel, as it is a choke point: there is no other way to cross the river nearby.

However, today is also when Glorfindel drives those Ringwraiths off the Bridge of Mitheithel, which is what enables the Fellowship to cross the bridge safely in a couple days. From Glorfindel's account to the hobbits and Aragorn when he meets them:

“It was my lot to take the Road, and I came to the Bridge of Mitheithel and left a token there, nigh on seven days ago. Three of the servants of Sauron were upon the Bridge, but they withdrew and I pursued them westward. I also came upon two others, but they turned away southward.”

This is an example of a kind of occurrence that I see several times in The Lord of the Rings, and not very much in other fantasy literature. It's the literal opposite of the trope of "characters think everything will be fine, but then it goes horribly wrong". Instead, this one is "the characters are dreading something bad ahead of them, see all the signs that something bad is ahead of them...and instead, everything is fine." Actually fine, not a fake-out! The biggest one in LOTR is when Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and the Rohirrim are on the way to Isengard - they see the Isen dried up, they see steam/smoke/fog rising from Isengard, they expect that Saruman's got something dangerous up his sleeve, and then it turns out that, surprise! he's already been defeated. It's not quite eucatastrophe to me, because to me eucatastrophe is when things have already gone bad and seem hopeless, and then a miraculous salvation appears. This is more a case of "that thing that you thought was a problem you'd have to face? it's not actually a problem, I fixed it for you".

Most epic fantasy authors don't seem to go in for it, because a climax is more exciting than an anticlimax, and having all the major crises faced simultaneously (I'm looking at you, Brandon Sanderlanche 😂) is more dramatic than the heroes showing up to find that one of the crises has already been resolved for them.

And I love it because it's a reminder that the story isn't all hanging on one person; that the characters don't have to do everything, they only have to do their part; that you've got other people in your corner. It's the epic fantasy equivalent of a day when I went into work dreading having to spend a few weeks figuring out some very complicated coding, only to find that a colleague (who is much better at coding than me) had already done it all, and I could get started on the stuff I was good at.

[sur-i-ki]

𝘖𝘯𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦

𝘚𝘩𝘰𝘺𝘰 𝘏𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘢 𝘹 𝘙𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

Authors note: it's October. Don't read this if you're a minor.

Shoyo has always had this habit. He'll keep going after something until he gets it. One more game. One more round. One more date.

One more time.

It drives you insane, in the best way possible. During his time away, it was always 'One more call.' or 'One more hour.' He was insatiable. Always being the supportive partner, you'd give in, but not too much. Never too much. Of course, that didn't last when he came back.

Before Shoyo left, he was timid. Not in the sense that he was shy with you, but more in the sense he didn't know what the fuck he was doing. His words. Although, that does not apply to him anymore, in any way, shape, or form. He'd grown into his body, and grown into more as a whole and it stole your breath at the airport.

Literally.

One moment he was at the end of the terminal and next thing you know, his lips were on you and his hands were gripping your waist. Shoyo's presence took your breath away. As the greetings came and went that day, you didn't leave his side. He wouldn't let you.

A hand on your lower back, or holding yours. But he'd become possessive in touch, ever so slightly. You couldn't help but think he was behaving like he hadn't played a game in a long time. He'd finally found a ball, an arena. His hand brushed your nape and fiddled with your hair. He stole kisses every chance he could.

One more time.

What you hadn't expected was what would happen the minute you locked your door that night. When you turned your unsuspecting back to poor Shoyo, the man just couldn't help himself.

Look at you. Finer, prettier, and his. Just as the tell-tale sound of the deadbolt sliding into place sounded, your hair was over your shoulder and his mouth was on your neck. His name came out as a strangled gasp, and you couldn't believe it. This cannot be the Shoyo who gave you timid kisses on your cheek and had shy, albeit clumsy sex with you.

There was something about him, something had changed, because you were already hyperaware of him after such a long time, and this was just, insane. Rapidly losing any semblance of higher-functioning thinking, you whip around in your man's arms. You just had to see him, had to confirm that this was your Shoyo and not some, some imposter!

And the look in his eyes could only be described as hungry love. it was the look he got on the court when he was in his flow.

"Sh-shoyo?"

Your back was up against the wall, his hands resting on your hips. His eyes looked into yours, then fell to your lips. Maybe it was a little mean of you, but you can't help but bite your lips, looking up at him. He gives a little smirk before he kisses you again, but it's heated this time, with an edge that wasn't there before.

Soon, you're on your bed as he all but throws on you it, lifting his arms up and shedding his shirt somewhere on your floor. Not that you cared in particular where it landed, because the scene in front of you was much more interesting. Shoyo was more muscle now, and you'd felt it but seeing it was different. You automatically shuffle a bit, and he tracks the movement before his mouth is leaving open-mouthed kisses on your neck and his hands are moving on your chest.

"Shoyo-!"

His face is still buried in the crook of your neck when he speaks, his voice vibrating through you.

"Just, missed ya' so bad, pretty."

And who can argue with that logic?

Not you, if the state of you was any indication. He’d done something, and next thing you know your legs are now on his shoulders, which are so much more wider, and his head in between them, and sweet heavens, this man was gonna ruin you.

Your hands were in his hair or gripping the sheets, and you’re pretty sure that you are being the opposite of shy at this moment, with the sounds Shoyo’s tongue keeps pulling out. You’re so close to your high, and his hands are curved around your legs holding you in place. You feel as if you are going to shatter.

“Come on,” his voice reverberates through you, and you glance down at him. His eyes are already on your face though, and you don’t break eye contact until his does this long swipe with his tongue and you are done for. Snapping your eyes shut you cry his name as he works you through your orgasm.

You know you’re panting hard, but his fingers are fiddling with you now and you know you won’t walk tomorrow when he smirks up at you and says,

“One more time.”

And you can’t say no. You never have. Who says you’ll say it now?

⇝ 𝘓𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘴, 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥! 𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘣𝘶𝘵𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯

[penny00dreadful]

So... some of you may have noticed my fics have come to a screeching halt the last couple of months which is not like me and I am here to explain myself.

Babygirl, I have been preparing.

The end of this month is my 1 year anniversary of posting in this fandom, of posting any of my work online after not doing it for like fifteen fucking years and it has brought me so much incandescent joy, I decided I had to do something for it.

(I've also hit like... several milestones which is fucking insane like you all know I'm just some cranky bog witch, right??)

I have been working on my WIPs for over the last two months. All... holy mother of god... like nine of them???

Some of these have been completed, some I am still writing and some are mostly done.

So starting from my anniversary date, 23rd October, every second or third day, I'll be posting a chapter of something.

I have so much material built up this shit could go on until 2024

@hbyrde36 called it my own personal Penny00Dreadful BigBang... and yeah kinda! 😅

I wanted to do this to show just how much I love this community. Your kind words, your support, your unhinged ramblings, your obsessive love, your talent (for free??) it's all amazing it's so amazing and I wanted to explode forth with my love for it so I figured why the fuck not do this stupid idea??😅

All of these will be posted both to tumblr and AO3 so subscribe over there to keep updated or follow me here!

OH! And let me know if you wanna be tagged! If you wanna be tagged for a specific fic or for everything I'll add you, whatever you want.

You've made me so happy and so warm for the last year. The way I know if I'm having a bad day I just need to hop onto this side of tumblr and everything will be peaches and gravy again.

I love you guys so much. 😘🖤

Updated Schedule - (18th Feb 2024)

Fic list with blurbs below the cut, this will (roughly) be the order they're posted in:

Return of The King - COMPLETE

Steddie Vampire AU with a twist! Vampire Steve comes back after falling to the bats. There is two more chapters left and those chapters have been completed.

Comeuppance - COMPLETE

Dustin just wants Steve to be happy. So he tries to parent trap him with Nancy. Clearly they should be together. But Steve's heart doesn't even seem to be in it at all! How is he so bad at this? And Eddie is being less than helpful

Rookie Mistake - COMPLETE

My Steddie Established Relationship Spies AU oneshot that will have a multi-chapter prequel fic coming very soon after!

Eddie is "retired" and Steve has been injured on the job, so he's supposed to be taking it easy. How hard could a walk to the gas station be?

Before He Cheats - COMPLETE

Songfic! Carrie Underwood - Before He Cheats

I literally have no excuse for this one. The rotted brainworms were behind the steering wheel with this one.

One evening, Eddie gets a call from some guy named Steve dropping the news on him that his boyfriend has been cheating on him. With this Steve person and Steve had no idea up until that day.

And Eddie rarely takes that shit lying down.

Steddievember Smut - COMPLETE

No Nut November is here! One can play however he wants. The other just has to wait for December to roll around. I have no other words to describe what this will be, it does what it says on the tin. I blame the STWG discord server. Currently we're looking at four little ficlets for this.

Cat and Mouse - COMPLETE

The Steddie Spies AU Prequel! How they got together and the extreme ups and downs their enemies/rivals to lovers journey goes through. I had so much fun with this one.

And They Were Roommates! - COMPLETE

omg they were roommates.

Steve and Eddie don't hate each other exactly. They just... tolerate each other. But one night Eddie doesn't come home for hours. Long after he's supposed to and it's not like Steve is worried or anything... he's just... concerned for a fellow human being... that's all.

Through The Valley - IN PROGRESS

Post-Apocalyptic AU. Eddie, Dustin and Nancy have a nice little community of survivors outside of Hawkins that they take care of, surviving day to day. Everyone's a little broken, missing the rest of their Party just hoping that one day they'll find each other again.

Devotion

Dungeons and Dragons AU. Steve is the golden boy of the small town of Hawkins. Harrington in name and now a Paladin with his very own oath to hunt down the Bard, the witch Eddie Munson and bring him back to justice under High Priest Henry Creel.

[covid-safer-hotties]

Also preserved on our archive

By Bonnie Petrie

When Garret Beckner was 37 years old, he started having chest pains.

“I remember going to the doctor and getting that checked out,” Beckner said. “They said, ‘Hey, you're almost 40, type 2 diabetic, with a sedentary office job. Let's check your heart out.’”

At the time, Beckner was a pretty typical American office worker, with his "butt glued in a chair" at least eight hours a day. He hiked some on weekends with his wife and baby daughter, and his type 2 diabetes was well controlled, but, he did do a whole lot of sitting around.

“So they gave me the stress test,” Beckner said. “They gave me all the different diagnostics, and looked at my heart. I had no issues.”

Beckner said his heart was declared healthy, and he was then referred gastroenterologist who diagnosed him with acid reflux.

“So at least as far back as 2017 I know that my heart was in good condition” Beckner said.

He had no reason to believe that had changed when 2020 rolled around, and a novel coronavirus moved into town.

The Beckners had what he describes as a strong, reinforced bubble that included other COVID-conscious people. Their daughter went to daycare, but it was an in-home situation with other people in their bubble.

They made it through the first year of brutal COVID waves unscathed. But the coronavirus caught up with them eventually.

“We'd moved to San Antonio in October of 2021. We wanted to be closer to family. We were kind of chasing a dream,” Beckner said. “We couldn't find an in-home daycare, so we had to bring our daughter to one of those places that’s got multiple rooms, multiple classes.”

Within a week, Beckner said, his daughter had brought COVID home. All three of them got sick. His daughter shook it off quickly. His wife got quite ill but then recovered quickly and fully.

For Beckner, it was not like that at all. He didn’t recover quickly. In fact, he said, he hasn’t recovered at all. Beckner developed long COVID, and while trying to uncover the causes of his multiple, debilitating symptoms, his doctor sent him to a cardiologist.

“They said we'll do the full workup, kind of similar to what I'd had done years prior,” Beckner said. “Only this time, I couldn't make it through the stress test. I couldn't even get through it.”

Beckner was quickly scheduled for an angiogram, a test that would look at his coronary blood vessels to see if they were blocked. He was sedated for the procedure, and when he woke up, the person who performed the test was by his side.

“I just remember seeing his face as soon as I woke up,” Beckner said. “He was like, ‘you have three clogged arteries. We're gonna have to get you to a specialist.”

But wait, Beckner thought, he was only 42, and when he had that cardiac workup back in 2017 he got a clean bill of health. This couldn’t be right. But it was.

“Literally seven days after that consult, I was in surgery” Beckner said. “I had three arteries on the left side that were basically completely blocked, and if they didn't get me into surgery for bypass…inevitable heart attack, it was a matter of time.”

His heart had been a ticking time bomb.

And Beckner is not alone. Research beginning early in the pandemic and continuing to today has consistently found that for at least a year after being infected with the COVID virus, people may be at increased risk of developing a new heart-related problem. Those problems can range from blood clots to arrythmias to a sudden, catastrophic heart attack.

What’s going on? Researchers are slowly beginning to tease that out, and the answer may come down to a single word. Inflammation.

In this episode of Petrie Dish, Bonnie talked with Dr. Dara Lee Lewis, a Harvard Medical School instructor in medicine at Brigham and Women’s, and director of noninvasive testing and co-director of the Women’s Cardiology Program at the Lown Cardiology Group in Boston.

[justagalwhowrites]

Lavender No Outbreak AU - Ch. 1

You and Joel have dinner. Chapter one of a No Outbreak AU of Lavender, found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: None really! Mentions of pregnancy. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ only

Length: 4.5k

A/N: For those who aren't readers of Lavender, this is an AU of that fic. If you'd like to read it in context (or just want to go back and remember what happened!) Read chapters 1-6 of Lavender in their entirety. Then read through their text message conversation about halfway through chapter 7. Pick up here.

Love you!

Friday, October 17, 2003

You weren’t sure if the nausea was from nerves or from the morning sickness that had never actually limited itself to just the morning hours. 

It had been months since you’d last seen Joel. You remembered it so clearly. It’s not that you’d known he was going to break up with you a few weeks later, but you did know it would be a while before you saw him again. There hadn’t been a set plan, just vague discussion of getting together at Christmas - unsure if he would bring Sarah to you or if you would come down to him - and you wanted to make sure you held onto everything as tightly as you could. 

Joel never just dropped you off at the airport. He always parked the car, always walked you in and lifted your bag onto the scale at the check in counter like 35 pounds was just a bit too much for you to do on your own, always walked with you through the security line with his arm around your waist. He always stood there on the other side of the security area until you made it through the metal detectors and you always looked back at him when you did, holding his gaze for a moment with the ache of longing deep in your chest, the two of you raising a hand to each other. “Goodbye. See you soon. I’m leaving a part of myself with you, please take care of it.”

You hadn’t known you’d been taking a literal part of him inside you then. Though, if you were a betting woman, you’d put money on him getting you pregnant the morning you left town. You couldn’t know for sure - you’d been visiting for two weeks and you were pretty sure you hadn’t gone more than 14 hours without him inside you - but your birth control use was always a bit… spotty when you were traveling. You didn’t take it at the same time every day like you did at home, often sleeping in past the usual schedule. You’d forgotten it completely twice, once when you’d taken Sarah to Six Flags and you were in a rush to get out the door so she could get adequate roller coaster time and once when you were so hung over after going out with Cassie, Josh and some of Tommy’s friends the night before you’d barely eaten anything that day. 

You’d taken your pill the morning you left but things felt different. He had held you so tightly to him in the pool, been so deep inside you when he fell apart, you were sure that’s what had done it. 

And now you were trying to not panic about seeing Joel again. 

It had been so long since you’d seen him as a friend. Kind of a friend. Who knew what you were now. You weren’t sure how to occupy this space with him. 

On the plus side, you’d found a dress you actually liked. It hugged your chest and waist but concealed the small bump that you doubted anyone would notice but you didn’t want to take any chances. It had been a few months but Joel knew your body like no one else. If there was someone who would notice - at least once upon a time - it would have been him. You spent too much time curling your hair and doing your makeup and hoped he wouldn’t think you’d spent too much time doing your hair and your makeup. 

Fuck, you were going to throw up. Maybe not right that minute but you were. You put a travel bottle of Listerine in your purse.

“You can do this,” you said, whole body tense as your knuckles turned white around the steering wheel of your rental car. “You can do this.” 

It was strange, driving yourself around Austin now. It had been a few years since you lived here and when you visited, it’s not like you got a rental car. Joel almost always drove, except for the occasional day where it was just you and Sarah because he had to be at a job site. You’d drop him off in the morning so you could use the truck and always inevitably end up there for lunch and show up a bit early for evening pick up because you couldn’t stand to be away. You’d been tempted to take Joel up on his offer to pick you up for dinner but that felt a little too dangerous. A little too much like a date. And for this conversation, you wanted to have some control. To be able to jump in the car and leave if you wanted to. 

It had taken you a while to feel like you were even remotely ready to tell Joel that you were pregnant. 

You’d sat down and looked at everything you wanted to do for yourself and your career, how the timing would line up with the pregnancy and having a new baby at home, how much it would all cost and what you would do to support it. You wrote it all out clearly with dates and numbers. It was there in black and white, just how much you didn’t need his help with this. You were telling him because it was the right thing to do, not because you wanted anything from him. That was all. 

Even though it had been a while since you’d done much driving in Austin, the way to your favorite Mexican place was automatic. Joel’s truck was already in the lot, making your stomach tight. You were early. Joel never got anywhere early. You’d been counting on having some time to sit down and gather your thoughts, maybe read through your plan one last time. Not that you’d expected to have it memorized - it was folded up in your purse specifically so you could reference it when you needed to - but you didn’t want to just sit there and read it to him, either. 

You took a deep breath, trying to center yourself. 

It was just Joel. Just the love of your life who’d left you after he knocked you up - not that he knew about that last part. It wasn’t like he was going to bite you. 

The hostess knew exactly who you were looking for when you got inside and Joel stood up when you came over to the table. 

You hadn’t been prepared for what seeing him again would do to you. For a second, it was like nothing had changed. When he picked you up from the airport, you always hurled yourself at him and he had to catch you and you had to stop yourself from doing that now, keeping your feet firmly on the ground. 

But when he smiled at you, it was damn near gutting. The sudden realization that he wasn’t yours anymore, that you couldn’t just walk up and kiss him, fall into him, slip your hand below the hem of his shirt to the smooth skin of his back and feel him. 

You smiled back anyway.

“Hey,” you came to a stop in front of him, unsure whether you should hug him or not. Did you shake his hand? What do you do to greet the man you had been with for three years and were about to tell him that you were carrying his child? 

“Hey,” his smile got a little wider. The hostess walked away and he hesitantly put an arm around you, pulling you into his side. You looped your arm around his back and gave him a squeeze. He was warm and still smelled like pine sawdust, even through the smell of his soap.

“I’m surprised I beat you here,” you stepped away from him and sat down, smoothing your dress as you did. “I know how the end of the week can be, I hope you weren’t rushing…” 

“No,” he said quickly. “Just wanted to try ’n make sure you weren’t waitin’. Either on me or a table, you know how this place gets on Fridays…” 

“I appreciate it,” you smiled a little, picking up the menu. Your stomach was in knots. You still were eating almost exclusively Clif bars. 

“Surprised you even need to look at the menu,” he smiled a little from across the small table. 

“Hey, they might have changed something,” you smiled back a little. 

You settled on a quesadilla - it seemed like the thing you’d be least likely to throw back up at the table - and an iced tea. Joel frowned but waited for the waitress to leave. 

“Everything OK?” He asked. “Seems like New York might be changin’ your tastes a bit…” 

“Fine,” you said quickly. “Just… wasn’t feeling the enchiladas tonight. And I have to drive. So, how have you been?” 

He looked at you for a moment, like he wasn’t sure of your answer. 

“Been alright,” he shrugged after a moment. “More of the same. Job I’m doing right now is fuckin’ exhausting, most indecisive client I’ve ever seen.” 

“Oh that’s got to be a blast for you,” you smiled a little. “I know how much you love when people don’t know what they want…” 

He took a long drink of his beer and nodded and you laughed. 

“How’ve you been?” He asked, watching you, his eyes going up and down the parts of you not hidden below the table. 

You considered for half a second telling him then, but you couldn’t bring yourself to. You’d have dinner first. A last supper of sorts, where things were normal. You’d tell him after.

“Oh, you know,” you shrugged. “A lot of school. Go to work at a school, come home and do school, study for school on the weekends, do it all again on Monday.” 

“Well you were always real good at school,” he teased a little. You laughed. 

“You know what they say,” you smiled. “Those who cannot do…” 

“You can, though,” he said. “Think you could do just about anything.” 

You talked through dinner, you picking at the quesadilla more than anything else and having to excuse yourself to the bathroom to throw up after eating some of it, bringing your purse with the Listerine with you. 

And then dinner was over and you couldn’t put it off any longer. You were walking together to your separate cars and you were trying to get up the courage to blurt it out when Joel spoke first. 

“Wanted to ask ya,” he cupped the back of his neck awkwardly. “If you… had a date for Cass’ party.” 

“A date,” you raised your eyebrows at him, standing next to a curb in the parking lot. The crickets were loud, the moon bright. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Just… wasn’t sure…” 

“Who would I bring?” You laughed. “One of the guys from my vibrant college dating life?” 

“Wasn’t sure if…” he shoved his hands in his pockets and looked up a bit. “If you brought someone with you.” 

“Who I left in a crappy hotel room alone while I went to dinner with my ex?” You said skeptically. He laughed. 

“Guess when you put it like that,” he looked at you again. “I’d just… like to spend more time with ya while you’re here. And I always liked Cass, she’s a nice girl…. So I thought… I mean, if you’d want and it wouldn’t be too much trouble…” 

“Are you asking to be my date to Cass’ engagement party?” You asked, smiling a little. 

“Yeah,” he said. He sounded relieved. “If you don’t…” 

“That’d be great,” you said quickly. “It’ll be nice to have someone to talk to, Cass is going to be pretty damn busy.” 

“I’ll pick you up,” he smiled. 

“I’ll text you the information,” you smiled back. 

He hugged you goodbye - a real one this time, one where you could feel his whole body against yours - and pecked you on the cheek before making sure you made it into your car. 

You’d tell him tomorrow. 

Saturday, October 18, 2003 

There had been less planning with the outfit for Cassie’s party than there had been for the dinner with Joel. 

For one, you weren’t friends with a lot of Cassie’s other friends. You liked them well enough but they weren’t about to be paying you any mind while you were there. You’d see Cass for a few minutes of the party, help out where you could and that was that. Joel you desperately wanted to impress, even though you thought there was a good chance he’d never want to see you again after this weekend. That dress had been much more important. 

But the khakis you’d worn the week before to teach suddenly wouldn’t close. You stood profile in the full length mirror by the dresser of your hotel room, your hand covering the bump that had somehow doubled in size in the past week. It was still small, likely not noticeable to anyone but you, but it was just enough that the zipper wouldn’t come up all the way and the button was a fraction of an inch away from closing on the pants. 

“Shit,” you looked at your watch. You had a grand total of 15 minutes before Joel was supposed to pick you up and you didn’t have fucking pants. 

You rifled through your bag and found an extra hair tie, looping it around the button and through the button hole to help hold them closed. Thankfully, the sweater you’d brought for the party covered the top of the pants enough that no one should notice. You hoped. 

“Hey,” he smiled warmly, opening the door of the truck for you. It was a slightly less awkward greeting than the night before, a hug and a kiss on the cheek before you climbed in the truck and he closed the door behind you. 

“Thanks for driving,” you smiled. “I’m hoping I can remember quite how to get to Cassie’s parents’ place, I’ve only been there a few times…” 

“Well, you sent me the address, so…” He handed you a printout of Mapquest directions. “Figured I’d cover my bases.” 

“You’re the best,” you smiled a little. “I did not plan that far ahead…” 

“Always happy to come to your rescue,” he winked at you and headed off. 

It was nice, just being in the same space as Joel again. He was still warm and funny, you still wanted to lace your fingers through his as he drove or lean your head on his shoulder when at a stoplight. But you kept your hands to yourself. 

“So Cass’ OK with me comin’ right?” He asked as you pulled into Cassie’s parents’ neighborhood. “Doesn’t hate me or anything?” 

“Oh she definitely burned you in effigy a few months back but she’s moved on,” you teased. He half smiled. “No, she’s fine with you being there, I did ask.” 

Fine may have been a strong word for it. You texted her after you got back to your hotel the night before to make sure it was OK that you brought a date. 

“Who?” She texted back. 

“Just Joel,” you replied. 

She didn’t text back, she jumped straight to calling. 

“Are you FUCKING kidding me?” She yelled. 

“Hi Cassie, how are you?” You asked. “Ready for your party tomorrow?” 

“Joel?” She demanded. “Fucking JOEL? You haven’t even been in town a whole day and you’re already going to just, what, forgive him for dumping you over the phone after you were together for three fucking years?” She must have pulled the phone away from her face, her voice muffled. “No, Josh, I will NOT calm down…” 

“We had dinner,” you picked at a hole in the bedspread. “It was nice, he said he wants to see me more before I go…” 

“I swear if you just jump back in bed with that man…” she muttered. You sighed. 

“Do I need to text him and say never mind to the party?” You asked. “Because I definitely will, I don’t want to upset you, it’s your day.” 

“No,” she sighed. “You can bring Joel.” She said his name like it was a curse word. “At least this way I can keep an eye on you and make sure you’re not… I don’t know, falling back in love with the guy or something.” 

“Hard to do since I’m still in love with him,” you said wryly. 

“Yeah and maybe I’ll just shove him in the pool with some rocks in his pockets,” she muttered and then sighed again. “Look, I’ll be nice. Bring him if you want, of course you’re welcome to bring a date. If you want to be a masochist about it, I can’t stop you.” 

“Have been a bit worried that all your friends hate me,” he smiled a little, his head leaning on his hand that was propped up by the door. 

“Yes, my broad social reach is sure to cause you problems on the Austin scene,” you said knowingly. He smiled broader. 

Joel pulled up to the gate and you gave him the code from the invitation. He keyed it in and the gate opened. 

“Feelin’ a bit out of place,” he said as he drove in, looking at the mansions lining the road. 

“Yeah, tell me about it,” you said. “I’m pretty sure you could fit Nan’s house in one of these garages.” 

Cassie’s parents lived at the end of a cul de sac, their expansive home all brick and stone with lush gardens in front, the kind that required constant watering under the Texas sun. 

“Really hope she doesn’t want to kill me,” Joel said as you followed the signs down the path to the side of the house toward the back yard. “Feelin’ like they could get rid of whatever body they wanted to…” 

You giggled. 

You’d shown up a bit early to help Cass and her mom set up, handing the bottle of wine and engraved glasses you’d brought as a gift off to the guest of honor. 

“It’s so good to see you!” She shrieked, jumping as she hugged you. You grabbed her ring hand and she obliged, happily letting you turn her fingers in the light to see the diamond before she looked at Joel for a second, eyes narrowed. “Joel. Thanks for coming.” 

He glanced at you quickly before looking back at Cass. 

“Just let me know how I can help,” he said, standing close enough to you that his arm brushed against yours. 

“I think my mom and Josh need help moving some stuff over that way,” she gestured into the yard where there was a tent and tables. “Why don’t you go make yourself useful?” 

Cass didn’t wait for a response, she just looped her arm through yours and tugged you inside. You glanced over your shoulder and mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ but he just smiled and went where Cassie told him. 

“You said you’d be nice!” You said as she pulled you into the kitchen. 

“That was nice,” she shrugged. “I didn’t call him a douchebag once. Margarita?” 

“No thanks. I’m cutting back,” you said. She handed you a sparkling water and got a margarita for herself. “What else is there to get set up?” 

“Oh, basically nothing, the caterers have the rest,” she said, pulling you along to the picture windows that overlooked the backyard. “But now we have refreshments while we watch the men do strong man shit.” 

She tilted her glass toward you and you toasted her with a giggle, taking a drink of water. 

“So,” she said after a minute of watching Joel and Josh haul an oversized planter around the yard at Cass’ mom’s direction. “You told him yet?” 

“Told who what?” You frowned. 

“Told Joel that you’re knocked up,” she took a sip of her drink like she’d just noted the weather. 

“What?” You coughed, trying to keep the water from shooting out your nose. “I don’t…” 

“Please,” she rolled her eyes. “You look like you lost weight everywhere but your uterus, you’re not getting hammered on the free booze when you showed up with your ex… You’re not that hard to read, hon.” 

“You can’t say…” You began but she waved you off. 

“I’ll keep my mouth shut,” she said. “Really wish you’d have told me, though! It’s his I take it?” 

“Either that or I’m getting added to some religious texts,” you sighed, looking out the window. Joel had rolled up the sleeves of his button down. “I just didn’t want to tell you before I told him. That just… it felt weird.” 

“You’re telling him this trip, right?” She asked. “Because if you decide to come down in a few months it’s going to be less telling him and more him just observing you.” 

“I was going to tell him last night at dinner but I just kept putting it off and then he asked if he could come with me tonight and…”

“And you chickened out,” she nodded. “Did you fuck?” You shook your head. She nodded again. "Babe, you can’t sit here and cling to… whatever it is that you two are doing this weekend. He made his call, can’t change that. You’ve gotta bite that bullet.” 

“You’re right,” you sighed. “I’ll tell him after the party. I have to, right?” 

“Unless you were planning on hiding the baby forever,” she shrugged. “Think you have to.” 

The party was oddly fun. Maybe it was because you were dreading the end because that meant you’d have to actually tell Joel. Maybe it was because Cassie’s parents had spent a probably obscene amount of money on food and a band. Maybe it was because you hardly knew anyone and you basically just hung out on the edge of everything with Joel as Cassie and Josh made the rounds, the two of them only coming over when she wanted a break from dealing with her family to chat or roll her eyes about something. 

“I swear to God my mother thinks I’m marrying the future king of England or something,” she groaned, chugging a glass of Chardonnay. “She was just saying she’s got 250 people to invite. I don’t think I’ve ever MET 250 people let alone 250 people I want at my fucking wedding… Oh hi Aunt Barb!” She gave you a wide eyed, desperate look before going to talk to the person who waved her down. You giggled. 

“Never thought having no family and very few friends would be a perk,” you leaned against a table, glancing up at Joel. “But at least I know that I won’t have to worry about stuff like this if I ever get married.” 

“If?” He asked, taking a sip of beer. 

“I mean,” you shrugged. “It’s kind of ‘if’ until you actually get married, right? Not like it’s a guaranteed thing.” 

“S’pose that’s true,” he nodded. 

“And we’re gonna slow it down just a bit,” the lead singer crooned. You recognized the opening notes of Wonderful Tonight and you laughed a little before you groaned. 

“They were accepting tips, I made a request,” Joel shrugged and held out his hand. 

“No,” you laughed a little again. “Clapton? No way.” 

“C’mon,” he jerked his head to the dance floor. “Old time’s sake.” 

You sighed and put your hand in his. “For old time’s sake.” 

He smiled and led you to the dance floor, pulling you against his body, swaying in time to the music. His arm went around your waist, your hand in his held to his chest. Joel was humming the song to himself, so softly you doubted he even knew he was doing it. 

Wonderful Tonight was one of the first things Joel ever played for you on guitar. He’d put it on the stereo when Sarah was sleeping at a friend’s house after you’d had a few glasses of wine and he’d pull you into his arms to sway with you in the middle of the living room, dodging the coffee table and the couch and so full of love you thought you’d burst with it. 

“I’ve missed you,” he said quietly, his nose brushing along your temple. You could feel his heartbeat below your palm, the heat of his breath on your cheek. You swallowed past the knot in your throat. Your stomach got tight.  

“Missed you too,” you said. He held you a little closer, the hand that was against you slipping up, below your sweater so his fingertips were brushing the bare skin of your lower back. Your heart rate picked up. “I think in a different way, though…” 

“I hope not,” he whispered. 

The song wound down and his lips brushed against your temple, your cheek. 

“Joel,” you breathed. His hold on your hand tightened as he kissed you. 

It was gentle at first, soft and hesitant. Almost innocent, as though he’d never touched you before. But you felt the familiar heat gathering low inside you, the raw and needy ache of it. His lips grew firmer, more insistent and you pushed him back, stepping away from him just as the band was shifting to another song, the buzz in your head too loud to recognized what that song was. 

“I’m sorry,” you said, stomach turning. “I can’t do this.” 

You took off before he had a chance to stop you. You could feel the Clif bars you’d had for breakfast and lunch creeping back up and you tried to work your way through the people milling about the yard without being disruptive. Joel called your name and you ignored him, trying to find your way to a bathroom or at least a quiet corner…

You’d made it to the corner of the yard when Joel’s hand closed around your arm. 

“Please don’t just run off,” he said. 

“Joel,” you tried to pull away from him but he tugged you closer. 

“Don’t tell me that you didn’t want that, too,” he said, his eyes searching your face. “Baby…” 

“Don’t call me that,” you said. You were about to throw up, you could feel it coming, you were an expert at it now. “Joel, let me go….” 

“Let’s talk about this,” he said. 

“I can’t,” you tried to step away from him but he held onto you. Not hard, you could pull yourself away, but his eyes were begging you to stay. 

“Why can’t you?” He asked. “Please…” 

“Because I’m pregnant!” You all but yelled it at him. His eyes went wide, his hand still on your arm. You looked at him for a second longer before you doubled over and threw up on the ground next to his shoes. 

[daechwitatamic]

VI. Don't Think About Him || KNJ

(banner by @/itaeewon)

Title: My Feet to Follow, and My Heart to Hold (Masterpost)

Rating: NSFW - minors dni

Genre: college!au, roomie!au, angst, s2l, the absolute slowest of burns

Pairing: Namjoon x female reader, unrequited Taehyung x reader

Beta'd by @/kookstempo, @/casuallyimagining, and @/toikiii - thank you endlessly!

Summary: You know a lot about the many types of love thanks to Kim Taehyung. You love him as the only person you see as “family”, you love him as your very best friend, and you love him as the beautiful, funny man he’s become. But when a twist of fate during your senior year has you rooming with his good friend Kim Namjoon, you just might find that you have plenty left to learn about love. 

Lesson One: there are such things as a right way and a wrong way to love and to be loved.

//

You try - and fail - to figure out who and what you want.

Section Warnings: excessive drinking, bar scenes, language, kissing, groping, maybe grinding idk

WC: 6k

The world is mine: blue hill, still silver lake, Broad field, bright flower, and the long white road A gateless garden, and an open path: My feet to follow, and my heart to hold. - Journey | Edna St. Vincent Millay

Sunday October 28th

Fire burns low in the hearth, but my feet itch and beg to go, into the night where the wolfpack hunts, into the storm of wind and snow.

I can hear only their hunting song. The blizzard steals from me my sight. I have no map to traverse this land, But I peer wistfully into the night.

The wolves, the storm, the wild land, Even still I must decide. I know despite the dangers, I can’t afford to stay inside.

“That’s fucking terrible,” you mutter, closing your book and scooting it away from you in disgust. “Wolves? Am I fourteen? For fuck’s sake.”

Still, it does touch on how you feel: like proceeding forward will result in you getting ripped to metaphorical shreds - but staying here, stuck in the familiar just because you’ve deemed it safe, would somehow be worse.

“Talking to yourself?” someone asks, and you jump with a shriek. 

“Namjoon!” you scold, as you register that it’s him in the doorway. “I thought you weren’t home for a few more hours!”

He crosses the room and tosses his bag onto his bed. “Yoongi has a lead foot.”

“How was it?” you ask mildly.

Namjoon wiggles his head, indicating both good and bad. “The brewery was really fun,” he says. “And it was nice for us all to hang out and talk at the house. We all used to dorm together… it’s been weird not living in the same place as them. I didn’t realize how much I missed it.”

This makes you smile. You’d been to that dorm once or twice, but you’d refused to hang out with Taehyung there because… well, dudes are stinky. And you’re not a clean freak by any means, but it was a little gross over there. 

“Well it was lonely and boring here,” you report. “I’m glad you’re back.” 

You’re instantly unsure if that was too forward, too much. Namjoon going away the literal day after you’d kissed him had given you plenty of time to think in private, but it had also given you room to sow doubts in your own mind. But Namjoon smiles shyly, pleased, so cute it makes your toes wiggle.

“I’m glad to be back too,” he says. “I’m gonna go shower and unpack. Have you made plans for dinner yet? We could order later?”

You hadn’t, but you have a feeling Taehyung will want to hang out after two days away. “I have plans,” you lie, figuring it will end up being true. 

“Ah, no problem then,” Namjoon says easily, and heads into his room, closing the door behind him with a little wave. 

You text Taehyung - “welcome home!! dinner later?” - and get up to start some laundry. By the time it’s done washing, and drying, and you’ve folded it, he still hasn’t answered. 

You try again - “hello??? this is y/n, looking for signs of life???”

This time, the response is almost immediate. 

[4:56 PM] Tae Bear 🧸: sorry [4:56 PM] Tae Bear 🧸: can’t tonight

In the end, you walk to campus alone, eating by yourself in the far corner of the cafeteria. You’ve splurged on ordering too much lately when these meals are built into your tuition. Besides, you don’t want Namjoon to know that your “plans” fell through. 

Friday November 2nd

Angel on the right… Devil on the left… 

You look side to side, conflicted. Such a strong case for each. 

“Are those for tonight?”

You jump, spinning away from the two Halloween costumes you’ve laid out on your bed. It’s not like Namjoon to come over to your side of the apartment; in fact, you’re not sure he’s ever talked to you while you’re in your own room. It’s usually you going over to his door to bother him, if you aren't both in the living room or kitchen. 

“Yeah,” you say. “I can’t decide. You’re coming?”

“I think we all are, except Yoongi,” Namjoon tells you. “I’m going as a detective. I have a magnifying glass and everything.”

You laugh. “I can’t wait to see that. Any thoughts on which way I should go tonight?” You mean the costumes. You’d texted Taehyung for his opinion and he’d returned with, “flip a coin”. You’re not sure why you expected anything else from him. 

“I think that’s going to depend on your mood,” Namjoon teases. “How are we feeling today? Naughty or nice?”

You raise your eyebrows. Was that… outright flirtation? “What if I’m feeling both?” you ask.

He laughs. “You need one of those half-and-half costumes. I’ve seen them in the stores.”

You have too, but you think they’re cheesy. “I think I’ll go devil,” you muse, a finger on your lips as you consider. “The angel wings are pretty cumbersome. And the bars are going to be slammed.”

“Naughty it is.” Namjoon flashes you a grin and disappears from your doorway, throwing over his shoulder, “No complaints from me!”

You slap a hand over your mouth to muffle the giggle. Well this is new, and damn, you want to keep playing. 

You Uber together to the first bar of the town’s Halloween pub crawl, the guys waiting for you outside. Taehyung howls in laughter at Namjoon’s long coat, fedora, and magnifying glass. 

“I see the devil won the coin toss,” he says to you, grinning.

You roll your eyes, still a little peeved that he couldn’t take anything seriously, even when you needed him to. This was a trivial thing, but still. It wasn’t a lot to ask.

Jungkook hands you and Namjoon a flyer with a QR code - it listed the locations of each bar and what time the group would move, in case you got lost or missed the exodus. Inside, you have to pay to get wristbanded, but the wristband earns you special prices at each of the stops. 

“This does not go with my costume,” you pretend to pout, the bright yellow wristband glaring against your short, red dress.

“I think everyone will understand,” Namjoon teases. Taehyung appears on your other side, pointing out the little laminated sign that advertises this bar’s drink specials. 

“You two need to catch up,” he insists.

Three hours and two bars later, you think you’ve achieved this. You and Taehyung cling to each other’s arms, holding each other up, somehow taking turns being the one who needs help staying upright. The first two bars had offered specials on shots, but this one only has special offers for mixed drinks and beer. 

“Do we pay full price for shots, or do we let The Man tell us it’s time to settle down?” you muse loudly into Taehyung’s ear.

“Don’t start with that shit,” he tells you. “This is Halloween, not a hippie convention.”

“I see at least four hippies,” you sniff indignantly.

“I think you’re seeing double,” he counters. “No more shots for you.”

“You aren’t in charge of me!” you yell, and head for the bar at a clip, ankles crying for mercy in your heels. You grasp the bar in both hands when you get there, steady yourself, and then reach up to fix your horn headband, which had been starting to slide. You thought Taehyung was right behind you, but when you turn to look, he’s talking to a girl in a mermaid costume. 

Of course.

It’s fine.

The bartender finally catches your eye and you flash your wristband, indicating you’ll take the special. He nods, turns and picks up a bottle. A body settles beside you; you turn, expecting that Taehyung caught up, or maybe Jungkook stopped by for a beer. Instead, a guy you’ve never seen before smiles at you. 

He’s in scrubs, complete with a fake stethoscope (you think it’s fake, anyway) slung around his neck. His nametag reads Dr. Love. You laugh out loud. “That’s so corny,” you say, your filter well and gone for the night.

Luckily, he laughs too. “It’s sewed on!” he protests. “I honestly almost Sharpied it out, but I thought that would look even stupider.” 

He’s really cute, you notice. He looks… clean. Older. 

“You look…” he trails off, letting his eyes roam to your feet and back appreciatively, “phenomenal. Is there an angel wandering around here looking for you?”

You grin. “Just me.”

If Kim Taehyung can find a hookup everywhere he goes, why can’t you?

But as you lean against the bar and take a sip of your drink, your eyes scan the bar before you. In the mirrored wall behind the team of bartenders, you can see a slightly distorted view of the patrons and all of their costumes. 

Your eye catches on a detective. 

Namjoon’s eyes hold yours through the mirror, though he’s about six seats down from you. There’s a tiny smile on his lips as he sips at what looks like a beer. A smile that says maybe he should have expected this. It’s the same face he’s seen on you when Taehyung does exactly what he did tonight. 

Beside you, Dr. Love is asking you something, but you don’t hear him at all. You don’t want to be here, in this spot, anymore. You want to be six seats over.

“I’m sorry,” you say, interrupting him, plastering a sickly-sweet smile on your face. “I just found one of my friends, and I’d lost them. Enjoy your night, though!”

You slip away before he can protest more than a syllable, before you can really register the disappointment on his face and feel guilty about it. Better luck next time, Doctor, you think, as you make your way to Namjoon.

As soon as you’re close enough he extends an arm, making a space for you right next to him. His arm tucks you closer, protective. He walks with you towards the far end of the bar, where it’s marginally less crowded. Once you settle into a spot there, he doesn’t remove his arm. His fingers rest on your bare, body-glittered shoulder, moving imperceptibly now and then, as if they have their own agenda. 

“Are you having fun?” you ask him. 

“Loud bars aren’t usually my thing,” he answers. “But the costumes are great.”

There’s a lot of alcohol in your system; your filter’s taken a hit. “I like this,” you sigh happily, closing your eyes for a second. You think you sway on your feet a little. The arm around your shoulders tightens.

“Like what?” His voice has gone deep, and you shiver a little. You want to kiss him again; you’d blame the shots but you’ve been thinking about it since it happened. The drinks just make it louder.

“Your arm around me,” you tell him honestly, and he ducks his head, dimples appearing along with a blush.

He shakes his head, still smiling. “You’re drunk,” he accuses playfully.

“It’s a Halloween pub crawl,” you point out flatly. “I’m supposed to be drunk.”

“That’s a fair point,” he allows. Then, he peers at you through squinted eyes. “Are you okay, though? How drunk are you?”

You consider this. “Drunk enough that I want to kiss you again, to hell with the consequences. Not too drunk to remember that there would be consequences.”

The playfulness leaves his face; it’s too obvious not to notice. “Consequences like what?”

It’s a challenge. He knows you know it.

“Namjoon,” you say, a little pleading. Don’t. 

“Consequences like Taehyung would see?” he presses. His voice has gone hard. He’s tiptoed around this issue before, but it’s the first time either of you have ever really given it life.

You feel like you want to cry. “Are you mad? About Taehyung?”

He softens. His fingers brush your shoulder again, absently. “No,” he admits, deflated. “No, I guess I’m not. But we both know that’s what you meant.” He removes his arm from your shoulders. It hangs listlessly at his side. You feel its absence painfully, like it had kept you tethered and now you might float away.

“Hey,” you say sharply, and reach for his hand. You miss and get his wrist, but you hold it like your life depends on it. He looks at you curiously. “I like you,” you tell him firmly. “A lot. I’m trying not to mess everything up - with anyone. But he’s my family, and if I lose him…” You take a deep gulp of air, trying to will your pulse to calm, your stomach to settle, your eyes to clear of stupid tears. “I have no one left. It feels… delicate,” you finish finally. You need him to understand. You wish you were better at explaining.

Namjoon twists his wrist from your grasp gently, but takes your fingers in his. “What about me?” he asks, voice a little pouty. “We aren’t delicate?”

You smile at him, relief giving you more of a high than anything else could right now. “No,” you say, and touch his chest lightly, just over his beating heart. You brush your hand down his chest, drop it to your side, and turn to stare out at the crowd. “No,” you say again, finishing the thought. “You aren’t delicate at all. You’re steady. That’s something I really like about you.”

There’s a moment of silence that stretches between you, tension building like a bassline, and then he gives a tug to the hand he’s holding. You turn back to look at him.

“What do you want, Y/N?” he asks plaintively. 

You open your mouth immediately to answer, but he cuts you off.

“Don’t think about him when you answer that,” he commands seriously, fingers clutching yours so tightly it almost hurts. “Don’t think about anything else but you and me. What do you want?”

What do you want?

“I…” you start feebly, unsure how you’ll even finish the sentence. “I want…”

Jimin rushes up to you, breathless, grabbing both of your arms. Namjoon drops your hand like it’s burned him. If Jimin notices, he doesn’t let on. 

“We have to go,” he pants. “Literally right now. Jungkook hit on some huge guy’s girlfriend, it’s about to be a thing. Help me find everybody?”

“Where are they?” Namjoon asks, quickly setting his beer glass on the bar and reaching for your drink too. You let him take it, eyes wide. 

“Taehyung grabbed Jungkook and ran - I think they’re outside. Have you seen Hobi? Or Jin?”

“Jin left with a girl two bars ago,” you supply, glad to be able to help. 

“I see Hobi,” Namjoon says, craning his neck to scan the crowd. “I’ll go get him. Y/N, go with Jimin, we’ll meet up outside.”

He moves without waiting for an answer, wading through the crowd in what must be Hobi’s direction. Jimin takes you by the hand - it feels much different than it had felt a minute ago with Namjoon - and leads you through the crowd hurriedly, dodging people left and right. You look over your shoulder as he pulls you, trying to find Namjoon in the sea of people, but you can’t.

Outside, Jungkook seems to be arguing heatedly with the bouncer. 

“Come on,” Taehyung is telling him, looking honestly pissed. “Let’s just go. The night’s already ruined, let’s just leave.”

You pull away from Jimin and head for Taehyung. 

“Hey,” you say softly, resting a hand on his arm. He turns on you, still furious, but you don’t waver. “Take a breath,” you tell him softly. 

His temper gets the best of him sometimes. 

He shakes his head, angry, but you see his chest move as he obeys anyway. A second later he says, more calmly, “Come on, Jungkook, we can even go somewhere else if you want. We won’t have fun here, that guy’s friends are all worked up in there.”

Jungkook relents as Hobi and Namjoon join you on the sidewalk. You slide your hand off of Taehyung’s arm, feeling weirdly guilty. 

“We rallying?” Hobi asks hopefully. “Or did we kill the buzz?”

“Rally!” Jimin cheers, going over and shaking a sullen Jungkook’s shoulder. “Come on! The night prevails!”

“I’ll go somewhere else,” Taehyung says. 

“I think I’m done,” Namjoon says, glancing at his phone for the time. “I’ll Uber from here.”

“Y/N?” Taehyung asks, looking to you. For a second, you’re not sure why. Then you realize - you either have to Uber home with Namjoon, or opt to continue on with the rest of the guys. 

The angel whispers that you haven’t hung out with Taehyung as much lately. 

The devil whispers that you and Namjoon could be all alone.

0-2 for the angels tonight.

“I’m tired,” you say. “I’ll Uber with Namjoon. You guys have fun though. JK, try to keep it in your pants.”

He flips you off wordlessly, still sulking. 

They all tell you goodbye, Taehyung giving you an extra-tight squeeze with his hug, and they walk down the block to find another bar. You turn to Namjoon, who’s tapping at his phone to order a ride. 

What do you want? His question floats in your head. 

You don’t know. You want too much, too many things, too many contradictions. 

It seems like Namjoon knows, and forgives you. He silently holds out a hand, waiting. You take it, keeping it tight in yours, not letting go even as you slide into the backseat of the Uber, as it weaves through the neighborhoods until it stops in front of your building, as it drives away, leaving you lit in red taillights before vanishing around the corner.

You’re standing on the sidewalk in front of your building’s front door, Namjoon’s hand in yours, your eyes sleepy but your pulse racing. 

He tugs you towards the stairs, and you think he’s going to lead you inside. Instead he spins you and presses you back against the stone balustrade, one hand splayed across the middle of your spine, the other cupping your jaw as he kisses you insistently.

You open immediately for him, giving a happy noise low in your throat. His spare hand, the one not holding you up off the rough stone below, grips the back of your neck for the barest of seconds before continuing down - rubbing patterns past your shoulder blade, the middle of your back, down to the dip of your waist, the swell of your hip, the meat of your ass. He’d better appreciate every curve, you squeezed into spanx for this dress. 

You grip at the lapels of his ridiculous detective coat, the earth spinning in circles around you in a blur. You’re aware of only where your hands bunch the fabric, of only where his teeth and lips and tongue clash with yours, of only the fiery path his hand traces up and down your body. You melt into his touch, wanting more, trying to pull him closer, trying to get lost in each sensation.

He breaks the kiss to nip a line of sharp nibbles down your neck. You whine, trying to give him more room. His hands come to rest on your ribcage, thumbs not quite reaching your chest, which has to be a conscious decision on his part. You can feel the cold night air on your thighs; your dress has ridden up. This snaps you out of the moment a little. 

“Namjoon,” you murmur, but it comes out a little whiny as he continues to nibble down near the juncture of your neck and shoulder. “We should go inside.”

He stills, then pulls away, eyes seeking yours for any signs of discontent. “Yeah,” he says finally, one syllable all he can handle. “Come on.”

He releases your body gently, letting you find your balance on the pavement. Then, he leads you up the stairs and inside. In the threshold of the apartment, you look at him, a question on your face.

“We’re both really drunk,” he says apologetically, reaching out to brush some stray hairs away from your face. “We should probably cool down a little.”

He’s right - you know he’s right. 

“Yeah,” you say, letting the front door close behind you. “Okay.”

You press one palm against the wall for balance as you fight with your shoes, sliding them off one at a time. 

Namjoon’s in his room, but the door hangs open. You pause in the doorway of your bedroom, realizing you have a problem.

“Um, hey,” you call across the living room, and he takes a few steps to come look at you. He’s lost the hat and the long coat, and his button-down is undone, revealing a tight, white undershirt beneath. “I promise this isn’t a come-on,” you say, biting back a smile. “But I legitimately can’t reach the zipper on this. Can you-?”

“Of course,” he says, crossing the living room. You turn your back to him, presenting the zipper. He gently sweeps your hair off of your nape and places it over your shoulder. You shiver, goosebumps rising along your arms, and you hear him hum a pleased noise at your reaction. You feel him fumble with the hook-and-eye at the top, and then the zipper sounds. He pauses halfway down your back.

“That good?” he checks. “You can reach that?”

“Yes,” you say, turning back to face him. He’s still got a bit of your lipstick on his mouth, and it makes you have to fight off a smirk. Down, girl. “Goodnight, Namjoon.”

He looks at you for a long minute, expression unreadable. Finally, he says, “Goodnight,” and steps back out into the darkness of the living room. When he gets to his room this time, he closes the door behind him with a soft click. You stare at the inch of light that comes from under his door for a minute before hurrying to close your own door against the dark.

Sunday November 4th

You spend most of Saturday in bed, heart and head both pounding, which means you have a lot of homework to cram in on Sunday.

After you shower and eat, you set up in the living room to get some work done. Namjoon’s door is halfway open, and you can hear the clacking and bass thumps that mean he’s writing in there. 

Midafternoon, he appears in his doorway, stretching widely. Your eyes skim the inch of stomach exposed with the stretch and then flick back to your page before he can catch you. 

“How’s it going?” he asks, heading into the kitchen. 

You twist your mouth, eyeing your laptop and the text spread open on your lap. “I guess it’s going. Sort of.” 

“What are you working on?” he asks.

“A paper for one of the bullshit general classes,” you tell him. “Which makes it more challenging, because I deeply do not care.”

He laughs at this, then plops onto the couch a few feet away from you, a water bottle in his hands. 

“How about you?” you ask. “It sounded like it was going well.”

“It was going okay,” he agrees. “I reached the end of a scene, so now I need to like… process, look at what’s coming next. I might take a short walk and let it marinate in my brain a little.”

You smile. “How come you never work out here?” you ask him, just curious. 

He gives a quick, self-deprecating laugh. “I wouldn’t get anything done. I’d just talk to you.”

You flush, feeling your face heat up, and bite back a smile. “What if I refused to answer?” you offer. “I could just sit here like -.” You mime zipping your lips, still fighting a smile. For good measure, you lock it up and throw the key over your shoulder.

His smile grows. “Wouldn’t help. I’d still be able to look at you.”

Your blush intensifies; you’re tempted to go stick your head in the freezer to cool your cheeks down. “I’ll turn around, then,” you tell him.

His grin turns wolfish. “I assure you, that will not solve the problem.”

Your jaw drops. “Kim Namjoon!” you scold, but you’re giggling.

“I’m just being honest!” he defends, laughing deeply, holding his hands up in mock surrender. “Anyway, why? Does it bother you that I stay in there?”

“No,” you say immediately. “You can do what you want.”

He gives you a knowing look, like he’s used to your bullshit and isn’t falling for it. When did that happen? “Don’t get prickly,” he warns. 

“Don’t compare me to plants,” you grumble. 

“Do you want me to work out here instead?” he asks gently, smiling at you like you’re adorable, which just sets your prickliness off even more.

“I don’t know what I want,” you retort.

There’s a long, stretchy silence as you both consider just how true those words are, on several different levels. 

Finally, Namjoon gives you a nod in goodbye and heads back to his room. 

This time, he closes the door gently behind him.

–

Taehyung invites you out that night, to see a movie you’d been talking about. You tell him yes, as long as you can go to the earlier showing. But then you start to feel… guilty. Unsure.

You want to ask Namjoon if he cares if you hang out with Taehyung still. He’s bothered by some aspect of your friendship, obviously, but you don’t know what it is. Is it only the fact that Taehyung is a bit of a barrier for you two? Or is he threatened by the whole friendship? 

You lay sideways across your bed in the fading late afternoon light, considering this. You imagine asking Namjoon. You think his answer would probably be, do what you want, I’m not your boyfriend. 

Which, fair. That conversation needs to come first. Are you together, do either of you even really want that? 

In the end, you don’t bring it up. When it’s time, you do your best to sneak out of the apartment, hoping to avoid any conversation about it at all.

Taehyung’s car idles on the street below, and you let yourself in the passenger side and buckle up. You’re anxious, you realize, as Taehyung starts complaining about an argument he had with Jimin back at their place. You’re afraid he’ll ask something that will lead the conversation to Namjoon, afraid that he’ll catch you tripping up, clue in that there’s something worth his attention there. 

You can’t lie to him. He knows this as well as you do.

That’s why he never asks you questions he doesn’t really want the answers to.

You’re anxious for nothing, because Taehyung talks about his own shit for the whole drive to the movies, and the whole time you’re in line for snacks, and for the whole time before the movie starts as you sit in the back row of the theater munching on overpriced popcorn.

But the movie is good, and you get pulled into the fictional world, and when the lights come on you find Taehyung’s arm casually over the back of your seat. You hadn’t even noticed it was there. 

“I can’t believe Jimin wouldn’t come see this,” Taehyung scoffs as you file out of the theater and back to the lobby. “That was so good! Just because he doesn’t like that one actor?”

You’re curious if Taehyung would have still asked you to join him tonight if Jimin hadn’t turned him down first. 

But, like Taehyung, you don’t ask questions if you aren’t prepared to hear the truth. So you don’t ask. What would be the point?

You wonder during the drive home if you’d feel better talking to Taehyung about what was going on with you if the guy in question wasn’t his friend.

Maybe.

But only a little better.

Monday November 5th 

Unlike the Monday before, Namjoon leaves for campus without you on Monday morning. You aren’t sure if he’s upset with you, or if he just needed to be there early. You’re too cowardly to ask. 

You need some support.

If it’s not coming from your “best friend”, you’ll have to outsource. 

You trudge through your morning class, eat as fast as you can - alone - in the cafeteria, and head to the student center. You get to the store well before your shift starts. 

You aren’t allowed to clock in yet, so you kill some time doing reading for class in the stock room. The second your shift starts, you’re at the front registers, uncomfortably close to Kris’s personal bubble.

“Yes?” they ask you archly, eyeing your proximity suspiciously. 

“I… have a confession to make,” you say, your voice as quiet as you can make it. You’re barely moving your mouth, you’re trying so hard to not actually say these words. “There… has been… perhaps… some kissing.”

Kris is stunned into silence for the first time since you’ve known them. Eyes wide and jaw slack, they stare at you. Then, they clarify loudly, “By you?”

You growl in exasperation. “Don’t be cute.”

Kris beams. “Can’t help it, it’s ingrained in my DNA.”

“I need you to be just a tiny bit serious,” you tell them, “because I am having a full-blown crisis.”

Kris sobers instantly. “Wait,” they whisper. “Crisis? Explain.”

“I kissed…” you cast your eyes around the bookstore, making sure no one’s lurking, “...the one I live with.”

Kris gasps. “You did not! You kissed him? Not the other way around?”

“I did,” you admit, feeling yourself flush again. “Twice. Well, the second time he started it, if you want to get technical.”

“I do want to get technical,” Kris whispers, voice almost reverent. “I can’t fucking believe this. So, why the crisis?”

You take a deep breath. Which factor to start with? Because you don’t want to give up on Taehyung yet? Because you don’t want to risk altering that friendship beyond repair? Because you don’t know if Namjoon will be able to handle your best friend being a guy - a guy that you’ve had feelings for?

“Because I don’t know what I want,” you say, the simplest truth. “I can’t get my head straight.”

Kris cocks their head. “If you didn’t know Taehyung - if you removed him completely from the situation -.”

“Impossible,” you protest.

They hold up a finger to silence you. “If you removed him from the situation,” they continue over you, “would you want to pursue things with Namjoon?”

Guilt hits you like an ocean wave, tugging you down, down, down. “Yes,” you whisper, because that part is just true. There’s no wiggle room, no if’s. You like him. You want to see where it will go. If there were no chance of losing Taehyung in the mix, it wouldn’t be a question at all.

“Y/N,” Kris says insistently, leaning towards you. “You are not doing anything wrong here. Taehyung is your friend. Nothing else - and that’s his fault. You aren’t, like, betraying him by catching feelings for someone else. He can’t expect you to sit around waiting for him until you die!”

“He doesn’t expect that,” you say, still in a whisper, because suddenly your throat is tight in that way it gets when you’re upset. 

“You need to talk to Taehyung,” Kris tells you gently. You groan. “And the conversation should not be you asking for permission, either!” they continue, impassioned. “You need to tell him I’m seeing someone and you need to be okay with it.”

“But they’re friends,” you protest. “It’s so messy. I’ve never had messy before.”

“You’ve never had anything before,” Kris points out.

“That wasn’t nice,” you grumble. “Yes I have.”

“Nothing that mattered,” they correct. “Nothing with feelings.”

You slump onto the counter. “I hate this.”

“I’m telling you,” Kris says airily. “If you don’t talk to them, this is all going to blow up in your face. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.”

“Why do you have to be right all the time,” you complain. Kris smiles beatifically.  

When your shifts ends, your feet take you not towards home, but towards the academic building where Namjoon’s “office” is. 

You’re thinking about your conversation about Kris; you’re thinking about the idea of fairness. 

It isn’t fair, as Kris said, for Taehyung to expect you to wait indefinitely for something that was probably never coming, to hold you emotionally hostage.

It isn’t fair for you to do the same thing to Namjoon - to keep him waiting, wondering, unsure if you’ll ever be completely in it. You know that’s the reason things have kept progressing so slowly between you. You’ve felt guilty letting it get any further, felt afraid of those damn consequences. And if you had to bet, Namjoon has been trying to wait for you to sort it out, to make the choice - to choose him. 

You can hear the low tones of his voice as you approach down the quiet hallway. Only the staff are normally back here, sometimes one or two students who need to speak to a professor, so there’s not a lot of foot traffic. 

You linger in the hallway, leaning against the wall and messing around on your phone, far enough away to not be able to tell what Namjoon and the student are discussing. When the student - a young guy who looks absolutely dejected as he passes by you - exits, you slip past him and lean against the doorway. Namjoon doesn’t notice you right away. It’s clear that his hours have ended and he’s packing up his stuff. When he does notice a body in the doorway, he jumps, inhaling sharply in alarm.

He slumps against the back of the chair when he registers that it’s you.

“I’m usually the jumpy one,” you giggle. 

He gives you a sideways smile as he leaves over his bag on the floor, messing with the clasp. “I didn’t expect to see anyone else. What are you - I mean, what’s up?” 

“What am I doing here?” you tease, catching his slip. You feel a little nervous, but you’re determined to do this correctly, to treat him better. “I came to see if you wanted to walk back together.”

Namjoon goes a little still, and you hurry to add, “It’s okay if you don’t! It didn’t make my walk longer or anything to come here first. I just thought I’d check.”

He lets you babble. He does as he’s been doing since the beginning - he waits you out with a patient smile. 

“So…” you finally finish, the nerves fluttering and hopping around your stomach. “Do you? Want to walk back with me?”

He stands, lifting his bag from the ground and hoisting it onto his shoulder. “Yes,” he says simply, giving you a tiny smile. 

You follow him down the narrow hallway, back down the stairs you’d climbed a minute ago, and outside. It’s a nice day - bright and sunny, chilly but not freezing. Campus is busy, and you have to people-dodge a little as you cross the main section, the crossroads of the two main paths. 

The second you cross through the front gate and step onto the city sidewalk on the other side, Namjoon silently reaches for your hand. It’s different from last time, in the rain - not urgent, not pulling. It’s gentle and tentative and, weirdly, somehow sensual the way his thumb runs over your knuckles as he glances sideways at you to see if you’re okay with this.

You give his fingers a tiny squeeze.

You walk together in silence for a few minutes, and then Namjoon asks you quietly. “How was your day? You had class this morning? Was it for Thesis?”

You smile up at him, happy to have someone to talk to about this. Kris would listen, you’re sure, because Kris is a good human, but they would much rather talk about romance. And Taehyung… it’s November, and Taehyung has asked you about your classes or your thesis exactly zero times. 

“No, not for my thesis,” you tell him. “Just a regular lit class. It was okay! I was so tired, I could barely stay awake… I think I’m still recovering from the weekend.”

He laughs. “Can’t imagine why,” he teases, voice going a little deeper. “I’m sure you were a perfect angel all weekend long.”

The joke - that you’d dressed as a devil - is not lost on you, and you grin up at him. “Clever,” you say.

He beams back, proud. “Sometimes,” he allows.

“How about you?” you ask. “Did you have class before your TA hours?”

“Yep,” he says, nodding. “Unfortunately, it was a research-based class.”

You groan in sympathy. “First thing on a Monday morning? Fucking ouch.”

“Tell me about it,” he says with a shake of his head. “I’m not much of a napper, but damn, I could use a nap.”

At the apartment, you decide to watch a show you’re in the middle of, and you settle on the couch with a throw-blanket over your legs. Namjoon appears in the doorway of his bedroom, looking at you a little balefully.

“Can I… do you mind if I read out here?” he asks.

You scramble to sit up a little making room on the other side of the couch. “You don’t need to ask,” you say, a little appalled that he’d felt the need. “You live here! I never mind, I promise.”

Appeased, he makes his way over and gets comfortable on the other side of the couch. It occurs to you that this is how you and Taehyung usually spend your time - on opposite ends of the couch - but you shove the thought away. 

You glance at him now and then as your show plays, and a few times you think you catch him watching more than reading. In between episodes, you notice his book face-down on his chest, rising and falling in deep, even motions. His head leans back against the arm of the couch, and his eyelids flutter as he dreams. 

Smiling a tiny smile, you fluff your blanket to cover his legs, and press play for the next episode.

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Thank you so much for being here!!!!! What did we think of what I lovingly call "the Halloween Pub Crawl Fiasco"?!

Section VII will drop on Friday, February 24th! I hope to see you there!!

[hoardlikegoldenirises]

I'm posting this now because I'm impatient and also because I just got that commission done by jerribbit (go look at it and admire it 🥰) which is based off of the same thumbnail as this drawing (lol) 'cause I had one of those moments like, "wait this concept is too good for me to not also draw this picture," so even though I paid someone else to draw it, I decided to also draw it. But expanded upon.

anyway it's AU-related and I plan to actually put this in a post with some other images later but I have to like, draw the other images first...

these are both Kaine as he looks in Houston in windowverse; left in mid-october or thereabouts and right in mid-november ish. 2015. he's 26/27/28/6 years old depending on how you start counting. (lol) (he's 27 and a half)

originally, I was gonna put his costume underneath, but I ended up deciding to bare his neck, just for the like... cohesion of the image as a whole.

closeups/details under the cut:

left pic is Kaine in mid-October ish as mentioned, mid-to-late really... he ran out of medication and he's not doing so hot. some breakthrough spots as his immune system kicks back into gear.

some of those spots (the little ones) are just from picking at his skin though.

then he gets eaten by werewolves.

also shaves his head. the white pupil is a cataract he's had for a few years at this point. a combo of meds + physical trauma when he was a few years younger.

also it turns out shaving a character's face and making his cheeks rounder really shaves off the years.

he may be going through some shit and adjusting to new medications and so on and so forth but at least he's eating enough ❤️

stop chewing your lips dude. anyway i spent at least an hour on coloring his scars in the second pic lmao, i just enjoy that. Like, lighting? no. texturing? yes. it's just a bunch of overlapping marks of cain. mark of cains. handprints :) a la Spider-Man: Redemption.

opposite side obviously.

some red hairs in his scraggly little beard :p

his voice is fried, for the record. that scar is right over his voice box. it's like five years old though, so it's well-healed.

and then it gets even more fried, probably. this relatively fresh extremely gnarly scar is from getting his throat ripped out by a werewolf lol.

He died! Then he got better. Obv being eaten by werewolves is directly lifted from his Scarlet Spider solo, though not everything is identical.

i had to bullshit the way it looks also cause idk about you but it seems like asking for trouble to try and google, like, "scars from wolf mauling" or something. lmao.

in the windowverse setting, the Other heals injuries but existing scars stay put, and in this case the life-threatening injuries he sustained made new scars rather than healing away to smooth skin, on account of, hey, he got torn limb from limb by werewolves! not exactly a papercut, you know???

admire his hair. the only reason it's not one big fluff is because of his expensive hair products.

oh yeah blue pullover hoodie because that's what Ben has :)

and the charcoal gray hoodie is a $345 Derek Rose hoodie he got from Saks after Aracely decided that she liked his blue hoodie and it's hers now.

oh right as far as his age goes—

this pic is, as mentioned, how he looks in fall 2015.

he was ''born'' on 4/1/2009 (so if you must be literal he's 6 years old)

he reached 22 the day after Peter's 22nd birthday (10/31/2009) (so he's 28)

but his 22nd birthday wasn't until 4/1/2010 (so he's 27)

according to the birth certificate wally gets made for him in this au he was born on 4/1/1989 (so he's legally 26)

He usually counts from his observed 22nd birthday in 2010 so generally he would consider himself 27 at this point. as long as he can remember his fake birth year it doesn't matter if he forgets what age he's ''supposed'' to be and since he was born in 2009 technically that makes 1989 much easier to remember.

also aracely was born in 1999 in this universe so this makes her both 10 years older than and 10 years younger than him :) which was another factor in why i picked 1989

[miguel-manbemel]

I've been in the Thomas Sanders fandom for almost nine years now. That means I was there way before Sanders Sides, and that at this point I'll remain following him way after Sanders Sides is over. That doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else, but I think that that gives me a little bit of right to speak my opinion, and I'm gonna do it, because I've been holding it back for far too long when I've seen so much bullshit all around, especially on Tumblr, and I can't help it anymore. I need to speak and I'm gonna speak, no matter who likes what I say and no matter who's bothered by what I say.

Sanders Sides started in October 2016, but it didn't get truly big until 2017. And 2017 was "Fander year", it was the year Thomas was most prolific and released the highest amount of work: the bulk of season 1 and a big chunk of season 2 of Sanders Sides, and to that we have to add the first episode of Cartoon Therapy, the last few Vines before it was shut down and a production of shorts comparable of his big years on Vine, and to that we add the vlogs, the music, his big projects like Bizardvaark, etc. And back then at the beginning it was Thomas alone, Joan and Talyn joined around February, March, and it was only the three of them the rest of the year and part of 2018. They worked their asses off for these months, to the point that all the three of them with no exception ended up getting sick. Joan even had to go through hospital and Talyn was eventually forced to retire altogether because of the complications stress caused in his Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Not to mention that Thomas and the others spent literal sleepless nights editing Sanders Sides, the record being 36 consecutive hours of editing without sleep so that he could release a Sanders Sides episode faster (I think it was Why Do We Get Out of Bed in the Morning). I don't know if some people here know it, but Thomas has confessed to be a little bit workaholic, and we all know he's a perfectionist in his work, he will only release what he considers is the best for him when it's ready, nothing more nothing less.

There's people that, sure, have praised Thomas beyond what is considered healthy and that have been assholes with other people who had constructive criticisms (and not all criticism has been constructive), but certainly, specially on Tumblr, there's people who don't know the meaning of the word "fair judgment" and vent all their personal frustrations onto Thomas like he was responsible of all evils in the world. If excessive positivity is toxic, excessive negativity is toxic too, and also damaging, not to mention potencially a crime of libel if they go too far and start damaging his reputation and good name with lies. I'm still seeing people talking about the animator thing like they know first person what happened, saying happily that Thomas "didn't pay the animators", like it was something true and a fact. The animators did not even get to a unified unique conclusion about anything. Some of the animators got mad and left the fandom immediately, others stayed to literally bitch around and criticize (and some caused more harm in the process than anything they were accusing Thomas and team of doing)... while other animators remain in good terms with Thomas and still follow him with the same passion, and also there are animators that called out other animators for their toxicity while the work was in progress. It's time to set things clear: the animators were paid what they signed in their contracts, they said that and they recognized that without exception. It was their own responsibility to read such contracts and investigate the internet and what is considered a good amount of payment, they should have done that beforehand and not sign if they didn't agree, because once they signed, they're bound and they have no right to complain because they agreed to that salary and it looked okay for them before signing, otherwise they wouldn't have, that's something even some animators said. So please, stop using that to spread hatred on Thomas. Not even the whole bunch of the animators supports you on this, and clearly if you weren't there you have no word to say. Officially, a portion of the animators spoke to the team, and ammended things privately, that was what was published and that is where it should have ended five years ago. So the rest of the world should just shut up about it. This is not and should not be treated as a reality show because it has nothing public at all. This is something private between the animators and the team, and third persons should not use it as an excuse to spread hoaxes and hatred against the team. Stop it already and mind your own business.

That was one thing I wanted to let out, but the other thing is about the people complaining, and complaining, and complaining about how they don't get the content THEY want faster. I'm talking about those who think Thomas should do Sanders Sides and nothing else, because "it's what Patrons pay for", "it's his biggest source of income", "blah, blah, blah"... I am a Patron, and I know what I signed for when I joined Patron: "more content, more frequently", nowhere in that sentence it is mentioned it would be Sanders Sides only, or even mainly and if anyone read that it's something they assumed on their own, not the reality and certainly not binding. We've gone through a drought of content because there was a pandemic, in case anyone didn't notice. But he's releasing more content now, in all platforms, so he's commiting to his promise about Patreon. My money is well spent and I won't let anyone say otherwise. Please, kindly refrain to speak in my name as a Patron, thank you. If any other feels differently and is on Patreon, he's always free to unsubscribe when he wants, but don't repeat the lie that you "subscribed because he promised more Sanders Sides more frequently", because that's literally a falsehood. And speaking about Patreon and the "writer's tier", I don't know what you think the writer's room is about. The team only gives the writer light suggestions about what jokes could work well or things that could be featured specifically as ideas for the script, they don't get any power of decission in the plot and they don't even get to know the plot at all because the questions are vague. Don't give so much importance to the writer's room, because i's nothing of the other world, despite some people trying to make it a bigger issue than it is, usually people who are not even in the writer's room and therefore don't know what they're talking about, as usual. About the "Sanders Sides being his biggest source of income and therefore, he should stick to that"... well, sorry to break it to you, but have you been around his TikTok recently? He has recently released a Storytime short and a Misleading Compliment short, and the audience went literally crazy, and the new sketch videos are working like charm. Sanders Sides might be a huge success of his, but his short videos (the 10 seconds long and the 4 minutes long) are, and will always be, his biggest source of fame, they've always been since Vine. Remember, he has 10 million followers on TikTok, almost triple his YouTube follower count. And from these 10 million followers, not so many even know what Sanders Sides is because they didn't follow him on YouTube. You have to deal with the fact that Thomas could cancel Sanders Sides today, and he'd still have a very decent lifelihood thanks to the short videos. He makes Sanders Sides because he wants to and because it's a personal project of his. It's you who's in desperate need of Sanders Sides, not him, stop projecting.

Where am I going with this? It is okay to dislike Thomas, no one forces you to like him, and it's okay if his type of humor is not for you anymore. But you are not the center of the universe. There are still millions of people who enjoy what he makes whatever it is, and Thomas is not there to give you the content you want all the time like a video-making-machine. He's not going back to 2017-2018 when he literally destroyed his health with too much work. I know a lot of Fanders joined the fandom at that time, got used to that rythm of releases and miss it, but that time is not coming back, because above else, Thomas and his team are human beings, not slaves at your service and their mental an physical health is more important than your need for entertainment. If you can't accept that, you should seriously consider moving forward to other forms of entertainment that are more of your liking. And moving forward means moving forward completely, not going back and forth publishing insulting or condescending posts against Thomas and his team that are not gonna help you get content faster. Just because you are an "addict" to Sanders Sides (if you were just "invested", you wouldn't get to some extents I've seen some people get to) and didn't get served your daily dose of hyperfixation, that gives you no right to bitch around against the creators. It's your responsiblity to look for your own sources of entertainment wherever you can find them, but you have no right to demand anyone to make anything for you, because this is internet, not an a la carte restaurant. You have plenty of content created by hundreds of content creators anywhere, just choose it and consume it. But don't forget it's content creators who decide what, where and when they create anything, not the audience. The right of the audience is to like whatever or not, to follow whoever or not. It's not your business how he runs his business or his working schedules, because that's private. You only have a right to consume the final product, not to control every step of the production, and it's time some people start remembering this and pump the brakes with their attitude.

[roseofdarknessblog]

New beginnings (Levi Ackerman x Reader)

My entry into the Harvest Moon Collab is finally here! Hope you’ll like what I came up with @postwarlevi. The last time I posted a fic was sometime in July and since then I had the worst writer's block ever. So getting this done felt more than amazing, even though it was pretty challenging.

Word count: 1 980

Disclaimer: english is not my first language, I apologize in advance for any mistakes

Summary: You and Levi become the new owners of a property that looks like straight out of the most magical autumn dream… or nightmare?

New beginnings

„So... this is all ours now, right?“ Levi asked when the two of you walked out onto the biggest balcony of your new home. A charming and magical-looking Victorian house in the countryside, which was now yours. The mid-October afternoon was a little cold due to the wind, which was rustling the colorful leaves on all of the trees around the house. All around the house, there were smaller or larger hills, almost perfectly colored in all the most beautiful shades of autumn. „Everything.“

You nodded and held onto his hand a bit tighter, gently running one of your fingers over his gold wedding band. It was truly unbelievable. This place was near and dear to your heart since childhood, but actually owning it felt surreal. You didn’t expect it for another couple of years. However, your grandparent decided to live out their retirement off the land – literally. Only a month ago, they left for a luxurious cruise around the world.

A few days before that, they called you and Levi here and handed you the official papers which made the two of you the new owners of this place. And the reality of that still hasn’t sunk in.

„Everything you see,“ you said in a quiet voice and rested your head against Levi’s.

„What the hell are we going to do with such a huge house?“

„You’ll have fun cleaning it,“ you laughed and kissed his cheek. „And who knows, maybe it won’t be this empty for long.“

Levi furrowed his brows and looked at you. „Something you want to tell me?“

„No, no, no. I’m not pregnant, yet,“ you reassured him with a playful laugh and gently pulled him in the direction of the old stone stairs.

The house was almost a hundred years old but in exceptionally good shape. No major renovations were needed, at least not right away. The roof was almost brand new and the three-story building with stone walls seemed as if it was built not more than maybe a decade ago. Every inch of this place breathed with history – the tall arch-top windows, stone balconies, and stairs, or a little tower that was home to your grandfather’s personal library.

„I’m not sure about this whole place,“ Levi said as the two of you, hand in hand, made your way through the backyard with a huge marble fountain.

When you went up to the fence and looked down into the valley, you could see the town’s graveyard spreading out there in a thin layer of fog. It looked just as mysterious as you remembered it. When you were little, it scared the living hell out of you all the time. And even now you could feel shivers run down your back when you glanced in that direction.

„We just have to get used to it,“ you said finally and looked away, forcing yourself to focus on different, much better things. „We’ll do something about the house, decorate it a little to our liking. It’s up to us to make this place feel like home.“

„Can you even make such a huge place feel warm and cozy?“ Levi asked skeptically, looking back to the house over his shoulder.

Coming to live here meant a couple of things – both of you had to quit your current jobs in the city. None of you were willing to drive for almost three hours there and three hours back every single day. Many big changes were happening in your lives but it seemed that everything was turning out more than well. You happened to find a perfect place in the nearby town where Levi was planning to open his tea shop. It has been his dream for as long as you could remember and now it was finally about to come true.

„We don’t need to rush anything, darling. We’ll move in properly and slowly start changing things we don’t like the way they are now,“ you assured him, leading the way to the big open space behind the house and the garden.

This was your favorite thing about the whole property – the apple orchard, pumpkin patch, and fruit and vegetable garden. When you were little, many hours of every day were spent here. With your grandparents or even alone, just walking around, reading a book, or drawing something in one of your notebooks.

„I used to spend so much time here and I’m excited to have that back. To come here whenever I want and just relax,“ you said dreamily.

„We’ll have a ton of work with the tea shop opening, having a quiet place to recharge is important.“ He leaned over and kissed your temple, squeezing your hand a little tighter. „I already started thinking about a couple of things. But there’s just so much more to do. It’s a bit scary, isn’t it?“

You nodded and opened a little white wooden gate that finally let you enter the apple orchard in front of the property. The pumpkin patch was on the left behind it, and the vegetable and fruit garden was on the right.

„It is but not fulfilling your dreams is even more scarier. And don’t forget that you’re not alone,“ you reminded him and brushed your thumb over his knuckles.

As you were about to say something else a quiet rustling in a tall pile of leaves was heard to your right. When you and Levi looked over there a black cat lazily snuck out and stretched its back. You both stopped and waited for what the cat would do next, not wanting to scare it away.

„You always wanted a black cat,“ Levi said in a quiet voice and let go of your hand. You watched him crouch down and get closer to the cat. „Maybe it will stick around here.“

You nodded with a smile and got a little closer as well. „You wouldn’t let it inside the house.“

Levi shrugged with a tiny smirk. And you knew that something like this could mean absolutely anything. From truly not letting any pets into the house, to having a ton of them over time. It was better to let it unfold naturally and not force anything on him.

While Levi reached out his hand and petted the cat’s head gently, you looked around with a smile on your lips. This place felt like home your entire life. And now it was truly yours. All the apple trees you could see were now yours, all the varieties your grandmother planted many years ago – Red Delicious, Gala, Fuji, Granny Smith, Golden Delicious, Cripps Pink, Honeycrisp, Braeburn, Empire and a couple more. These apple orchards made your grandparents a nice amount of money every single year. Their delicious taste charmed everyone who tried them.

„You okay?“ Levi asked after a moment, still scratching the cat’s head.

„Yeah,“ you smiled at him and stood up once again.

Levi followed your lead and grabbed your hand again, both of you heading down the orchard in the direction of the pumpkin patch. The little black cat decided to join you, walking alongside Levi with its head held high.

You told Levi about all the different kinds of apples, while the chilly wind was rustling the leaves of all the apple trees around you. The sun was hanging low on the sky and ready to dive under the horizon, drowning your surroundings in warm gold and orange hues. The air was getting noticeably colder by the minute.

„How many kinds of pumpkins are there?“ Levi asked while the two of you walked among them, your new cat friend following behind.

„Ten or twelve, I’m not so sure right now. There were almost twenty when I was little and grandma was younger. She loved having as many varieties of everything as possible.“

Ambercup Squash, Autumn Gold Pumpkins, Baby Boo Pumpkins, Blue Prince Pumpkins, Carnival Squash, Jack-O-Lantern Pumpkins, Hokkaido pumpkins and a couple more as well. Just like with the apples, your grandmother wanted to have as many pumpkins as possible – orange, white, green, yellow, or even slightly red. For her own satisfaction and also for another source of income. Not that your grandfather didn’t make more than enough money or had a pretty huge heritage. Your grandmother simply always liked doing her own little things that made her happy – if it provided money, it made her even happier, as she used to say.

„I should send grandma a couple of photos. She always liked how the orchards and the whole place looked during autumn. All those pretty colors, cozy atmosphere, and everything.“

„Good thing that they keep up with the modern world and know how to use all the electronics,“ Levi said, his eyes scanning the pumpkin patch and all the different pumpkins. „It feels so different here now.“

„What do you mean?“

„When we were here in the past it was...“ he shrugged and looked back at you, trying to find the right words. „It felt like a nice little trip. An escape from our shitty work like in the city. Now it feels kind of homey and it gives off that feeling of responsibility.“

„Yeah, now it will be up to us to keep this place looking like this.“

Hand in hand and with the black cat in tow, you took a quick look at the vegetables and fruits and then decided to make your way back to the house. The very last rays of sunshine illuminated your way, bathing the property and the house in the most beautiful color of gold.

The crips evening air made you shiver slightly. „Autumn finally came in all its glory, the evenings, nights, and mornings are really getting harsh and cold,“ you said as Levi wrapped one of his arms around your shoulders.

„And you still love it.“

„I do, this is my favorite season for many reasons, just look around us.“

You both did. Taking in all the different shades of yellow, orange, red, green, and brown was a perfect way to end this long and tiring day. All the trees and bushes were rustling in the wind, making it seem as if you weren’t alone.

„What about the cat?“ you asked, looking at your new four-pawed friend who was still walking beside Levi. „We can’t leave it outside, the night will be cold.“

Levi rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything. Only leaned closer and met your lips in a sweet long kiss full of the purest love one can imagine. „You always know how to get your way, don’t you?“ With a tiny smile, his lips gently pressed to your temple, while he brushed the tip of his nose over your cheek, making you close your eyes for a second and sigh contently. You loved this man more than words would ever be able to describe. He truly was your everything – your past, present, and future.

His arm stayed around your shoulders while you made your way across the garden. You turned your head at the last possible moment and took a quick glance at the graveyard. Now, a much thicker fog was covering it almost perfectly. If you didn’t know it was there, you wouldn’t really know what you were looking at. Only a couple of gravestones were sticking out from the milky white fog, making the whole scene seem eerie and chilling.

„Stop looking, you’ll see something you’ll regret,“ Levi said, his hand traveling up to the back of your head and turning it away from the graveyard.

„So you do believe in ghosts?“ you joked and shoved him into the ribs playfully.

When Levi didn’t answer, you risked one last look over your shoulder before you went up the stairs. It only took a glimpse of a second – a figure stepping out from the fog amongst the gravestones and lifting its hand, waving at you.

[meglyfer]

Quick recap about what's going on in Gaza

(Spoiler, the recap is not actually that quick, but I tried to summarize the most amount of information as possible)

On October 7th (if I'm not mistaken) Hamas launched an attack against Israel, destroying buldings and taking hostages As a response, Israel proceeded to attack Gaza, Palestine, injuring and killing hundreds and thouthands of people (Btw, punishing the population for what a selected group of people has done, os a war crime)

From the 7th to today, 28th of October, Israel has been attacking Gaza non stop. They have cut all electricity, water, food and medical supplies from entering the city, leaving the people so that, if the airstrickes don't kill them, the unability to tend to their needs will Israel has also told the people of Gaza to move to the south where they'll be "safer", only to attack the south

So far these are the numbers that Israel's agression has caused: • Death toll hits 7703. • 3595 children killed. • 19,734 injured. • 1800 missing, including 1000 children. • 825 atrocities committed. And still counting!

Yesterday, Israel destroyed the communication center in Gaza, meaning that not only they have lost all contact to the outside world, but they are also unable to call friends and family to check up on them and, most importantle, they can't call ambulances During this black out, Israel did the deadliest attack so far. People on Egypt, 80km away, reported that they were able to feel the ground shaking from the airstrikes

"But what about the hostages? What about Israel? What about Hamas?" I hear you saying Although it's true that Hamas continued their attacks, the amount of dead israelies is 1400 people which, although it's really bad, it doesn't even come close to the 7000 of Gaza About the hostages, they are completely fine. A woman that has recently been freed said that Hamas treated her and the rest of the hostages with kindness, gave them food and medical attention if needed Not to mention that Hamas offered multiple times to release ALL the hostages in exchange of stopping the airstrikes on Gaza, but they declined all the offers

On more recent news, Elon Musk offered help to restore the internet and communications on Gaza, but Israel said that they will prevent this from happening (information from about an hour ago)

To understand better this situation, here you have a history leasson:

Over 75 years ago, all the territory that is now Israel, used to be Palestine, but it all changed after WWII. After the holocaust, zionism was born, the idea to make a state completely run by jews where they would be safe, which is in concept a good idea, but the problem was that there was no land left to make this state, which meant the had to take it from somewhere, which ended up being Palestine. World potencies like the US or the UK liked this idea, so they gave zionist all necessary to make their dream come true, thus begining the Palestinian nightmare. The zionist, or Israel, started kicking out Palestinians out of their own land in an event that would later on be called the "Nakba", or translated from arabic, the "Catastrophie", self explenatory. Ever since then, Israel has been launching attacks against Palestine every few years, k1lling them, kicking them out of their own homes, and all that stuff, which leads us to today, where only 10% of which used to be Palestine is not *completely* occupoed by Israel (The population on those places is Palestine, but the goverment is run by Israel). Also I must add, nobody is able to leave or enter Gaza (at least legall) from even before the 7th of October, not only because of the LITERAL GIANT WALLS THAT ISRAEL BUILT TO KEEP THEM IN, but also Israel military forces them to keep them inside. There is currently also over 10.000 Palestine people arrested in Israeli prisons, which ended up there with no jury nor explenation of why they are even there, a good amount of these people are under the age of 18. This was never about Hamas, Israel just took their most recent attack as an excuse to continue their g3nocide and colonialism, because that's what it is, A G3NOCIDE AND COLONIALISM

[bomberqueen17]

oops

lol yet again i missed doing my friday update schedule. in my defense, a lot's been going on. before I say anything else I should also say-- DMs on Tumblr currently do not work for me, the message thing shows me the preview but if I click on it, I absolutely cannot open the window, it will hang for literal days. I have the square blank in the corner of this tab as I am composing and no longer remember what I was trying to get it to open. So if you send me an IM on Tumblr I will only be able to read whatever of it is in the preview! So don't be offended if I never respond, because I can't write back because the window literally never opens. I got one to open yesterday but it was about 45 minutes and a lot of window reloading. I think it's safe to say that feature's just gotta be dead to me. RIP.

Anyway what's been up! my BFF from high school came thru Thursday night with her kids to stay in my cabin and i was a bit frantic getting the place ready, as it's not exactly listed on AirBnB. (She was like "oh wow this is a lot bigger and nicer than i thought" girl you were going to cram your children and yourself into a tiny half-finished shack with me? what??? jeez) and at the last minute Dude was like "oh i'm coming too" which, fortunately, I had put myself into a full-size bed on the pull-out couch so there was room for him to be there too but if this were any smaller a tiny house that would not have been possible. see, this is why i didn't actually build a tiny tiny house, it wouldn't have worked.

Anyway they left friday and i spent the day making sausage as fast as i could, and then in the afternoon dude helped me package it and then! i had! two full days! off! (ok i'm in the second of those days rn) so

saturday being My Birthday I made a snap decision that we were going to go see some art, so we drove over to the Clark Institute in Williamsburg MA (like a long half-hour away, it's not far) and saw some of my good buddies in the permanent collection.

(Mom used to take us kids there when we were little, and there are a lot of Renoirs and John Singer Sargent and some Frederic Rembrandt and Winslow Homer and whatnot, many of which I have seen so often as to consider old friends. (This Bougereau, Mom had a poster of on her bedroom wall, and I have always loved it. Apparently, my grandpa upon seeing it-- not the letters grandpa, the other one-- exclaimed of the one whose back faces the viewer "Oh Betty, it's you!" Betty being my grandma.)

I discovered quite by accident, while fucking around on my phone, that there was a Pokestop out in the courtyard, and the Pokestop was titled something about Jenny Holtzer, and i was like wait what and sure enough. There's a set of four white granite benches out there with Jenny Holtzer engravings on them.

This one is fucking brutal, as her shit tends to be:

[image description: a white granite bench engraved with the following text, somewhat darkened by pooled rainwater: "BY YOUR REPONSE TO DANGER IT IS EASY TO TELL HOW YOU HAVE LIVED AND WHAT HAS BEEN DONE TO YOU YOU SHOW WHETHER YOU WANT TO STAY ALIVE, WHETHER YOU THINK YOU DESERVE TO, AND WHETHER YOU BELIEVE IT'S ANY GOOD TO ACT."]

There was also a temporary exhibition of paintings and woodcuts/lithographs/prints by Norwegian artist Edvard Munch, yes including a lithograph of That Painting. Fairly stunning! Running thru October, I recommend it if you're in the area!

ok idk what else has been happening. i am so tired. i might play some pokey mans today but i also might just. not. really. do much of anything. which is boring and dumb and won't make me feel better next week when i have to go back and do more work and have achieved none of my personal goals. but sometimes brain no worky, and that's that.

[sparkypantaloons]

It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage

Jason really, really, really hates Halloween. But then he's just been kidnapped by a cult who are convinced he can give them immortality, so can you blame him?

~~

Fucking Halloween.

Jason has aways hated it. Hated it when he lived down on Crime Alley and it didn’t need to be October 31 for the worst kind of tricks. Hated it when he moved to the Manor, with its creaking floorboards and overgrown trees and fucking bats. Hates it even more now, now he’s old enough to see what it does to people in this city. Understand how it takes desperation and twists it into something grotesque. Pushes people over the edge and into the darkness.

He hates darkness too. Reminds him too much of the closet Willis used to shut him in for days at a time. Of the Manor before dawn, when he never knew if Bruce had made it home safely after a night on patrol. Of his grave… and the deep dark earth he spent an eternity clawing his way out of.

It’s dark now. And not just because of the blindfold; wrapped too tight around his head, pounding a migraine into the marrow of his skull. Wherever he is, is dark. It smells of the dark; of desperation and madness and rot, and it’s suffocating. Smothers itself against his skin, forces itself into his mouth, his lungs, his blood.

Fucking Halloween.

He’s strung up by his wrists. Shirt stripped away, skin sliced across his torso in patterns and runes; blood slow and fat dragging itself down his flesh. His shoulders are screaming, burning with his own weight. There’s a gag pressed in his mouth, his left leg is broken, and too many wandering hands to think about.

Somewhere along the way, somewhere between the Pit, and the League and the Bats, whispers had spread; quiet words on a swift winds. Red Hood had died, but he wasn’t dead. Red Hood lived, but he wasn’t alive. Murdered by the Joker, but still haunting the streets of Gotham. He’s immortal, they said. Deathless. Eternal. Endless.

As if one lifetime wasn’t enough in this god forsaken city.

He’d heard the rumours. Enjoyed them, even. Let the filth of this city wonder. He had thought. Let them fear, that Red Hood will always come for them.

He should have known something like this would happen.

It was out-of-towners who had grabbed him. Nobody from Gotham would be stupid enough to try it. Nobody from Gotham would be smart enough to pull it off. It had been a kid, see. And Jason had fallen for it hook line and sinker. She can’t have been more than six. Pressed into the shadows by his safehouse, eyes wide and desperate.

“There’s a boat.” Her words had been barely more than a whisper. “There’s a boat and kids don’t come back from there.” Her fingers had clung to the cuff of his jacket, knuckles white, hand shaking. “Please.” She’d begged. “Please help us.”

Jason wasn’t an idiot, even if he was a sucker for a desperate kid. He’d done his research, done his surveillance, he’d planned. Watched and waited and deliberated. And then he’d struck, when the moment was right. No. It had been more than right, it had been perfect. Of course it had been. Because the whole thing had been a fucking set up.

They’d been on him before he’d even unhooked his grapple. Hands, so many of them, grabbing and pulling at him from the darkness. Ripping his jacket from his shoulders, forcing him to his knees, binding his limbs with course rope. And he’d fought, of course he’d fought, but there had been so many of them. Too many.

“Oh ancient one, born before time’s dawn, on this night of night’s where the living and the dead become one, hear our call.”

“Antiqui ante auroram

cui per hoc immortale

vas manat donum

da nobis aeternum.”

The chanting had lasted for hours. So had the torture. Jason’s Latin was rusty, but he’s pretty sure they were asking an ancient time lord to make them immortal. Somehow convinced that he, or at least bits of him, were the ingredients they needed to make it a reality. A literal pound of flesh, bones and blood.

Then it had all gone silent, and he’d been left here hanging for what felt like hours now.

Alone…

In the darkness…

Fucking Halloween.

~

Fucking Jason. Dick thinks, scowling to himself as he makes his way carefully through Jason’s safehouse. He’s already been caught by two booby traps - because no matter what the younger man says, knives that fling themselves at you from across the room are not a ‘security measure’ - and he doesn’t doubt that there a more to come.

Jason’s been missing for twelve hours now. And normally Dick wouldn’t worry, because frankly, Jason loves drama, and he loves dropping off the radar even more. But he promised Alfred he’d be over for Sunday lunch and he didn’t show. Didn’t respond either, when their pseudo-grandfather called to give him a ‘stern talking to’. The older man had called Dick next, asked him to check in.

Dick could do without the babysitting. He loves Jason, he does. But Jason is still his kid brother, even if he is six foot two of solid muscle, and he’s still a pain in the ass. Dick had plans tonight. Really good ones. Ones that didn’t involve a literal mace swinging down from the ceiling, just because he sat on the couch for five minutes.

Whatever happened to Jason, it didn’t happen here. Knowing him, the whole place is probably set to explode if too many trick or treaters knock at the door… the thought doens’t make Dick feel any better.

He’d tried to access Jason’s files remotely. Had even asked Babs to help with the ones that were off-network. But there was some things Jason still did old school, like surveillance notes, literally written by hand. Physical maps on walls and red strings connecting photos of suspects and post-it notes covered in question marks. That nonsense was normally in his bedroom. Dick just had to get there without getting decapitated by a boomerang or something.

It takes him another half an hour to make it across the apartment safely. It pays off, because the desk in the bedroom has everything he needs, even if it’s none of what he wants.

It looks like a trafficking ring, is meant to look like a trafficking ring. And if it weren’t for one of the photos, of a short man with a pinched face, Dick would probably think it was one too. Jason had been watching them for nearly two weeks, documenting who the key players were and their movements. How they operated and who they reported to.

But it was all a ruse. The short man, Ozul Abaddon, is no trafficker. He’s a cult leader, one obsessed with immortality at any cost. Dick and Bruce had faced him years ago, in the earliest days of Batman and Robin. He must have done his time in Blackgate and finally reared his ugly little head again.

Dread churns in Dick’s gut and it’s nothing to do with having to head back across the apartment. If Abaddon has Jason, then Jason’s in trouble. Big trouble.

“Pennyone?” He puts a call back to the Cave.

“Nightwing.” Comes the response. “How can I be of service?”

“I need you to put the call out to the family. Red Hood’s in trouble. Serious trouble. We need everyone looking for him.” Dick pauses, and in his mind’s eye can see Alfred nod and already get to work. “I need you to send me everything we have on Ozul Abaddon. Bruce and I sent him to Blackgate back when I was still Robin. I need to know how long he’s been out and what he’s been doing. Who he’s with and where he’s doing it. Anything we might have. Send it to Jason’s computer.”

“Very good.” Comes the response. “Sending now.”

~

The chanting is back. So is the knife. By this point, Jason is too delirious with pain and blood loss to do anything but groan into the gag. Let his head roll on his shoulders and his only good leg sag beneath him. He still can’t see anything, still can’t smell anything except the copper of his own blood and the putrid stench beneath it. Still can’t feel anything but pain in his head and his shoulders and his leg, and wandering hands pawing at his body. Fondling at his flesh, searching for where to slice next.

“Sanguis effundet secretum tuum,

sanguis effundet secretum tuum,

sanguis effundet secretum tuum.”

A blade slips beneath his ribs, deeper than any cut before, and hot liquid begins to pour from Jason’s side.

God he hates Halloween.

~

Dick hates being right. When he knows something is bad, damn is it bad. And this? This was really fucking bad.

Once he had all of Jason’s research together, along with Bruce’s files on Abaddon, it only took him ten minutes to figure out where the cult must be operating from. What it is they want from Jason. And in typical Gotham fashion, it’s all kinds of awful. An old abandoned abattoir on the outskirts of the city. Because of course a cult obsessed with immortality would set up base in shop of death. Of course. Couldn’t be an old florist could it? Wouldn’t be a former bakery, or perhaps a nice little coffee house. No, no definitely not. Just a hideous, stinking, old slaughterhouse.

Even from the outside it reeks. An overwhelming stench of decay and rot, drifting out into the night air. Tainting each breath in, with death.

“Thermal imagery from the satellite suggests there could be at least 100 of them in there.” Oracle says over the comm.

Dick is sure he hears Bruce growl at that. Cass actually flexes her fingers, looks a little to eager to get to work. If Dick didn’t feel quite so full of dread, he’d probably be the same.

“Spoiler, Signal, you take the south entrance.” He says. “Batman, Robin, the west. Red Robin, Batwoman you’re on east, Orphan, you’ve got the north. I’ll take the roof.” He pauses. “There’s every chance these guys will think they’re immortal now, so they’ll be fighting with a point to prove.”

“I have a point they can prove.” Damian says, hand on the hilt of his sword. If the situation weren’t so grim, Dick would be proud of such a pun.

~

There’s a noise. A growing din beneath the chanting, and then there’s shrieking. Shrieking and screams and shouts, and the unmistakeable sound of kevlar on flesh.

About bloody time, Jason thinks, sardonically and then suddenly there are hands on him again. But they’re different this time. They’re gentle, careful. Work at removing his blindfold, his gag.

“Morning, sunshine.” Dick says, as the blindfold falls away from Jason’s face. Behind him, the rest of the Bats face off against the cultists. Jason would almost feel touched so many of them showed up to help, if he weren’t feeling so spectacularly awful right now.

“Easy, little wing.” Dick soothes, when the gag doesn’t come away as easy as the blindfold. “I’ve almost got it.”

Jason chokes as it falls away, spits out blood and mucus and god knows what else. “Wha— what took you so long?” He coughs, still hanging limply by his wrists.

“Getting through your safe house is like Raiders of the Lost Ark,” Dick replies. “You got a giant boulder in there too, ready to chase me down?”

Jason has a witty response on the tip of his tongue, but the words are too heavy for him to get out. He slumps against Dick as the older man finally frees his wrists.

“Easy, Jay.” Dick soothes. “I’ve got you.” He manoeuvres Jason to the floor, starts checking over his wounds. “Shit Jay.” He eyes the most recent stab wound. “I’m going to have to pack this.”

Jason shakes his head. “No, no.” The words slur together. “Be fine. Less juss go.”

“I’m sorry, Jay.” Dick says gently, and he’s pulling gauze from his suit. “I’ll be quick.”

“No,” Jason moans. “No, please Dickie, please don’—” He tries to push Dick’s hands away, tries to fight the older man’s insistent care.

Dick holds them down easily as if they were paper. “I’ll be quick, I promi—”

Jason cries out, louder and more desperate than he has all night, as Dick packs the wound with gauze. His fingers pushing deep into the wound. He works quickly, grimaces as Jason screams, every time the knife wound absorbs more and more dressings.

“Dick, please.” Jason sobs, hands still weakly pushing at Dick as he works. “Leave it, just—”

Another scream, and Dick flinches against the sound. Fingers fumbling as they work and then “I’m done, I’m done!” He promises, squeezes Jason’s hand. “You’re okay, Jay. You’re okay.”

Tears still roll down Jason’s temples. He shakes his head miserably. “I fucking hate Halloween.”

~

It’s gone midnight by the time Jason is fully patched up. He’s in the medbay in the Cave. His leg set with a splint, the deep cuts stitched closed, vaseline over the runes that have been carved into his skin to prevent scarring, and an IV line set up into his arm.

Dick pulls up a chair next to the bed. “So,” He begins. “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”

Jason gives him an unimpressed look. “I don’t want any news, can’t you just let me sleep?”

“Bad news first, excellent.” Dick grins. “Alfred is still pissed you missed Sunday lunch.”

Jason’s eyes bug out of his head for a minute. “I was literally kidnapped by a cult to be their sacrifice.”

Dick shrugs. “Sounds like a you problem.”

“You’re such an asshole.” Jason mutters.

“You’re the asshole! Why do you have so many medieval booby traps in your apartment?”

“They’re not booby traps, they’re security measures—”

“They’re booby traps.”

Jason rolls his eyes. “Whatever, dickface.” He grumbles. “What’s the good news?”

“The good news,” Dick replies. “Is that it’s not Halloween anymore.” And for the first time that night, Jason does actually look relieved.

“Happy November 1st, Jay.”

[xmimi89er]

I MADE IT! It had been two days or so since the news, but I made it!

Goodness, I only had 42, if not less, time left and there was absolutely nothing. It was impossible to fix it, especially on a ridiculous amount of time. So, I prayed for a miracle. I asked for one because only a miracle could fix this—there was no way to get around it or over it and it just did not seem possible at all. AT ALL. But then, the miracle came!

A whole seven years worth of stress trying to get things together and fixed, it was done for in the matter of a press of a button. Or so I thought, for a little bit. You know when anger blinds you? Happiness did me, and I didn’t read what was sent to me that well that I forgot the last step in the whole thing.

And when did we realize that? Less than 16 hours (counting the night too) before I would have to sign up my leave.

And even crazier? I only had half an hour to get to the nearest machine before it closes to get my fingerprint done so I could get a digital ID. We reached the place and there was only a 20 minutes left. Logically, I could try to (maybe) wait until tomorrow very early in the morning, but it didn’t feel like it. It felt like I was on a very short period of time, and I had to hurry.

So many things stopped us on our way, funnily enough, but we made it.

I managed to sign myself up before the system closes by an only six minutes to spare.

Regardless of all of that, and how mind-blowing things could be and how I felt like I was going to burst a vein in me, we made it. We stopped the people that are fucking cruel.

This isn’t over, and I supposedly, as they worded it, “ran away from home” despite the fact I am no minor (and will be coming back). Not to mention what those people would do when they realize I have stopped them. They might just have a stroke and die—they will get angry, and while they cannot hurt me, it will still be a struggle to live with such an environment until I get a job. But that doesn’t matter, not that much.

What matters is that the impossible-to-fix, the threat over my head, is over. I will still have to endure things, but the worst is over, and that fills me to continue even more than before.

Look how the tables have turned. Funnily enough, I have fought with them the night before, and they swore that I will never get my way because, supposedly, I am the cruel one here. But no. Consequences exist. You don’t have to believe in heaven and hell and all of that, but the fact that the world spins is real, and every action has consequences. I will happily watch them fall apart piece by piece and, while I would heavily prefer being somewhere else, I will wait.

I remember writing the chapter “(Please!) A Miracle” from My Baby and thinking that, oh Sunny, I am asking for one too. Hehe.

A seven years problem is solved. Things may backfire and things normally change and never stay the same, but it is over. It stops now at 28 October, and hopefully it will be completed over soon after that.

Thank you to everyone who stayed around to check on me. To those online and in real life. It literally feels like nearing the end of a drama series, and ya all were the viewers. Good to have come to an end and to announce it. It would still take a bit before it gets all better, but it is nearing its death. I have won the key and no one can take it, now all I have to do is unlock the chains. Ain’t that cliché? But I am a writer I CANNOT HELP IT HEHE.

Anyway. Thank you so much, and I will keep updating this series of a life of mine! Take care >:D

[lipglossanon]

FUCK THAT ASK WASN'T DONE XD

Anywayyyyssssssssss- 😄😄 But think about this- 𝘕𝘢𝘨𝘢!𝘭𝘦𝘰𝘯. Naga!leon has two 🍆🍆𝘈𝘕𝘋- can lay eggs.🥚🥚🥚 Anytime April through September or October Leon's heat could come through. And when it does you have to take a full week and a half off. At first, when you two started dating. He never really told you how naga heats works. You know that snake would lay eggs. And it was similar with Nagas. But also Len hadn't dated a human before so he was really nervous about talking about it. Knowing some humans found it weird and gross. He start to shed his old scales when it grew closer to his heat time. Taking him about an hour and hour and a half to do it by himself but sometimes when he was busy ⌛ and doesn't get it done right away. He would rush to finish shedding it before his heart starts. He never really knows when It will start. Just that shedding is the first sign that it will be starting soon. could be days,🗓️ could be hours. ⏰It all depends.🤷‍♀️ But he would slowly let you help with the dead skin towards the end of his tail when he gets busier. if you two are cuddling and he doesn't want to end the cuddles to shoo you away and to start shedding.. 🐍🐍 You start using him if you could keep helping him since you know how long it takes him to get rid of the skin. You wanted to help more than just the small part that he does let you do. You even offer to do it in a warm bath. ♨️ He's told you before how good it feels to shed in the bath but doesn't like how much of the warm water he takes away from you. He frantically says no in the nicest and totally not panicking way. 😨😨😨 Unforntetly one time he takes a bit too long to shed and he's worried that his heat would start ⏱ before he gets it all done. Thankfully he finds out that you're going out of two for a work meeting that week, so he tries to hide any signs he's shedding ( Which- didn't work. 😔). You asked him if he needed any help with shedding before you left as you were literally about to walk out of the front door to go to the airport. He tells you that he'll take a bath 🛁 to help get rid of it. and you two kiss before you leave. It takes him everything he had to not claw at your sides and drag you deep into the house and over to the bedroom. So he ( not very subtly. ) shoved you and your suitcase 💼 out the door and quickly locks it.🔒🔒🔒🔒🔒🔒🔒 He heat had decided to start 𝘯𝘰𝘸 of all times.

Couldn't have waited 15 minutes later- or till he was done shedding. NO! Nonono! Not like Every time his heat comes and goes he does think about shoving both of his cock🍆🍆 into her and forcefully pounding into her over- and over- and over again. Till the point where the bed sheet 🛏️ would have to be changed because they got so wet and covered in cum. So he tries taking the bath 🛁 and getting rid of the shed skin to get his mind off of it! (Spoilers- it fails, very bad. ) 👎

You two are practically together so much that most times, he just stays overnight at your place, and every bit of your scent that lingered in the house. Was multiplied by 10. Especially, in the bathroom where you spend about an hour getting ready.💄🛁

It wasn't that bad at first. He manages to at least fill out the bath and gets in as best as he could without overspilling the water.🛀 Then your scent grows stronger.👃 He can smell it on the towel you had hanging up to dry, it lingered on all of your makeup that you had left behind, and everything in the bathroom smells of you. Soooo, after taking care of his... two problems. and finally finished shedding. He knew he should grab his things and go back to his place. Your scent shouldn't be as strong there... But he doesn't even make it through the hallway before he's tangled up in your bedsheet, your clothes wrapped around his tail, anything he could grab and get a hold of o hump into. The scent was so strong. He wanted you now, but you had just left two hours ago. ( The "bath" took a loonnggg time 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳 ) His nails tangled into your bed sheet tightly. Vigorously humping his hips into your blankets and clothes. His mind goes numb as part of him slips and thinks that if he does this enough. He'll magically summon you back so he can sink his fangs into your neck. And both of his cocks into your warm holes. 🕳️ He normally has certain... Toys he would use for this. But he would never bring them over to your place out of pure embarrassment. ( Of how uses them because every heat he thinks of you and 𝘱𝘰𝘰𝘧! Toy broke and he has to go order a new one! ) And there is no way he was going to make it from your place to his to go grab them. He doesn't even think that he would make it out of the house!

But hey! Guess what? The meeting lasted much shorter than needed too! And So within 2 days, you come back home early!😃😃😃 You didn't tell Leon because he wanted to surprise him. I mean you're sure he's back at his place by now so. You could go home and get all dressed up to surprise him! 👗💄 . . . Let's just say he never left. This heat was so bad that you needed to take a whole month off. Well not 𝘣𝘢𝘥 but- you two never left your house. And you had to order new bed sheets and blankets. . . . We're not gonna talk about what happened to the pillows. 🛌

I still stand by that you guys should write fics! Not that I’m complaining! But you all have so many ideas that need to be written 🤭

And I’m just replying to this second ask you sent since the first was cut off early! Don’t feel bad, I have accidentally hit the wrong button a zillion times too 😅

But seriously, this is basically a fic in itself! 🤭 I don’t have anything to add to it 🤭 but also Leon with two dicks? 😵‍💫 😵‍💫 😵‍💫