#listening to all the versions of 'time to go' from stray gods in the background rn. 'I gave everything to watch you go/I know.

[vaguely-concerned]

For you. And Harding. And everyone we've lost.

*sob sob sob sob sob* it's fine I'm fine I just have to I just need a moment and then I'll be -- *sob sob sob sob sob sob sob sob*

rye 'I want varric back you son of a bitch' ingellvar showing up to the narrative stricken to the core with grief and digging two graves. one for the dread wolf. and another one also for the dread wolf because by the time rye is done with him that fucker is hopefully going to be in several pieces. lucanis hold my shovel for a moment would you I need to commit some acts of grim violence and deep poetic irony (*supportive lucanis voice as rook grabs the fake dagger* go get him rook I've got your shovel). solas I'm sorry I love you but if you were going to pull that shit you probably should have done it to someone a little less like, well. you

[bentforkent]

to the moon and to saturn - chapter three

spencer reid x fem!reader

navigation and summary

there is a version of this story featuring my sweet oc on my wattpad and ao3! 

word count: 1,446

content warnings: very brief smut mention, lots of hickeys, cursing because i have a limited vocabulary   

previous chapter | next chapter

don’t look up the translation to the russian in this chapter! a.) it’s a plot point that requires some mystery, and b.) google translate translates it poorly. 

illicit affairs 

“so you speak how many languages?”

“a lot.”

y/n hums, and crawls into spencer’s lap. they’re sat on the floor of his apartment, the party from earlier in the night long forgotten, the footsteps of spencer’s teammates long receded. they’re surrounded by pillows and blankets that y/n had shamelessly tornado’d around spencer’s apartment to find. she’s hung them over the couch, over the tv. it’s a fort.

the only light source is the flickering of a nature documentary playing in the background, volume turned all the way down. a lion meets a gazelle onscreen.

y/n presses her lips to spencer’s neck for what feels like the hundredth time that night. “teach me,” she mumbles, sinking her teeth into his supple skin in a gentle bite.

spencer shakes his head. “Я вас любил: любовь ещё, быть может,” he says softly.

“ooh, russian,” y/n replies, taking her complete lack of understanding in stride. “what does that mean?” she kisses down to his exposed clavicle, sucking a tiny mark against it. it’s miniscule compared to the other crimson spots littering his neck and chest.

again, spencer shakes his head. “i’m not telling you,” he says, stifling a moan. y/n lays her head against his shoulder and looks up at him with a bat of her thick eyelashes, totally teasing him. when he looks down at her, completely immune to her tricks, she purses her lips into a joking scowl and pokes one of his hickeys with her index finger. he winces and jerks away from her touch.

they’re both silent, soaking in the romantic moment. with her head against spencer’s bare chest, and his hands in her hair, y/n focuses her attention on the interaction between the gazelle and the lion. spencer’s breathing is steady under her, and she knows he’s got his eyes trained on her, just as content as she is. the lion should eat the gazelle, she thinks. why isn’t the lion eating the gazelle?

“y/n,” spencer says to get her attention. she looks up at him and her mouth forms an involuntary grin at the sight of him. his lips are swollen, his eyes are glazed over, his hair is messy. she’s ruined his perfect little pretty boy face, and she all she had to do was kiss him.

a lot.

she kissed him a lot.

spencer is tender, completely vulnerable to her. he’s the gazelle, she realizes, and her face falls a bit. does that make her the lion? will she inevitably eat him?

“you can spend the night,” he says quietly, like he’d been pondering it for a while. “if you want,” he adds quickly. “no pressure.”

“i’ll stay,” y/n replies immediately, then holds a finger up in warning. “but i never put out on the first date.”

spencer shifts uncomfortably, and y/n’s suddenly aware of her position perched on his lap. she scrambles to get off of him, and he stretches his legs out next to her. “this was a date?” he asks with a shy smile, leaning back on his hands.

“of course it was, dr. reid,” she says, using the honorific in jest. amidst their prolonged make-out session, the pair had found some time to catch up on the past twenty years (and to catch their breath). spencer had asked y/n many questions about her job, how she met penelope and how the hell she ended up in dc, but y/n thought spencer’s life had been far more interesting. she knew spencer was smart. he’d been teaching her complex prose before she could hardly even read silently in her head, for crying out loud. but three phds? sounds impossible to y/n. she wanted to listen to him talk about everything, all day.

she’s endeared by the way he drops facts in conversation, just as he did when he was a child. she’s endeared by the way he runs his tongue over his bottom lip, but she doesn’t think she’d ever noticed that before. she’s endeared by the way his hands run all over her, like he missed her, even though she knows that he probably hardly remembered her after twenty years. she knows she hardly remembered him.

more than just wanting to catch up with an old friend, y/n had found herself utterly entranced by spencer. and that was going to be a problem, y/n knows, because neither one of them had spoken about their childhood yet, and she isn’t quite keen to divulge the information that she knows. god, spencer’s dad fucking sucks.

y/n doesn’t want to be the lion, and she doesn’t want to be closed off to spencer...but that seems like the only option for her right now. but she’s getting ahead of herself. it’s her first night with spencer. and while she thinks it’s going well, he could just be a really good actor. but the adoration in his eyes when he looks at her....

spencer seems to notice the wheels turning in y/n’s head, and lifts her chin into a gentle kiss. “i’m really glad you’re here,” he says sincerely, and y/n melts, every worry and insecurity on her mind floating out of her brain and into the vents of his apartment, where the AC unit carries them away.

when they finally decide to migrate from spencer’s living room floor to his bed, they lay on their sides, facing each other. y/n’s wearing spencer’s old caltech t-shirt and nothing else, yet she’s never felt less exposed. she’s safe with him, she knows.

spencer lets his eyes trace her features, from the curve of her nose across her cheeks. he meant it wholeheartedly, that he’s glad she’s here in his typically lonely apartment.  this was better than anything he could have fabricated in his mind. y/n is better than anything he could have fabricated in his mind.  he senses some hesitation in her, but he knows he’s all in. he hopes she feels the same. is that naive of him? sure, he thinks, but there is just something so alluring about the girl in front of him that he throws all caution to the wind.

they had talked and kissed and been generally giddy around each other so much that the pair was exhausted. spencer’s eyes are heavy, but he desperately wants to make his feelings even clearer to y/n. “if you stayed every night like this, i wouldn’t mind,” he murmurs, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

y/n turns to snuggle against his chest, pulling his arms around her. spencer’s heart grows three sizes. “mm, you’re cute, baby,” she replies, hardly loud enough to be heard over the hum of the ceiling fan whirring. but he hears her. baby, she said. baby, baby, baby. he presses his lips to the top of her head, and drifts to sleep before he can internalize the pure sweetness of the nickname.

--------------

“dr. reid, you’re a fucking vampire,” y/n says plainly.

“i am? you are!” he exclaims in response.

they’re standing side by side in spencer’s bathroom, fluorescent light highlighting the patterned bruising littering each of their necks. spencer makes eye contact with y/n through the mirror, and they laugh.

“i’m gonna get picked on at work so much today,” spencer remarks with a pout, and y/n traces her finger along the curve of his spine.

“just tell them you got attacked by a spider, or something,” she says.

“they wouldn’t buy it. did you know that most humans never even have a reaction to a spider bite? the amount of venom a spider has is miniscule compared to the size of our bodies.”

“well…you could just tell them the truth? that i spent the night?” y/n swings herself up onto the counter, perching herself next to the sink. she kicks her legs out and wraps them around spencer’s hips, pulling him toward her.

“mmm,” he replies skeptically, and y/n captures his lips in a kiss before he can say anything else.

when they pull apart, y/n presses her forehead against his. “i know you don’t want to mix work and play, spence, but i’m definitely telling penelope.” she punctuates her words with a goofy grin and a kiss against the tip of his nose.

spencer saunters into work an hour later, purple scarf wrapped around his neck, beat-up satchel gripped tightly in his hands. he feels like everyone is looking at him, but there’s only one set of intent eyes on him. penelope. he catches her gaze, and feeling emboldened by his past night and morning, he shoots her an exaggerated wink. penelope bursts into shrieking laughter that fills him with warmth and rings in his ears for the rest of the day.

----

unofficial tags: @differentkettleoffishalltogether​ 

[one-boring-person]

Hi! I had an idea for a David (lost boys)/reader fic if you're interested! Basically David finds his soulmate or mate, whatever you call it and he's doing everything in his power to get her to turn. Like she already knows what he and the guys are and they both are crazy about each other, but she's stuck on the idea of having to kill in order to survive. And David is doing everything from his usual mysterious behavior to down right pleading her to turn so they can be together forever? Thank you!

Thank you for requesting something! I hope this is satisfactory😁😅(I'm sorry if it's a bit cringy)

**

Please?

David (The Lost Boys) x reader

Warnings: mentions of blood and violence, mentions of death

Masterlist

He'd found me six months ago, a lone figure on the Boardwalk with a nervous disposition, jumping and tensing whenever someone nearby suddenly yells or shouts over the cheery music playing in the background, eyes wide at the variety of characters lining the bright streets. I hadn't initially felt the connection between us, but he tells me he'd been drawn to me instantly, somehow feeling the urge to search the crowd until he eventually found me, though he hung back, unwilling to give me any further shock, what with his rather intimidating appearance. It took him a month to finally introduce himself, and even then I'd been a little wary of his confident approach, but I'd soon gotten to know him well enough for him to reveal his secret to me, and to explain to me what the mate bond between us is. As soon as he did this, however, he started asking me the one thing I'd always have to refuse him - if I'd turn for him.

The idea didn't sit well with me, it never had and undoubtedly never will, the thought of having to intentionally kill people in order to survive, not to mention drinking their blood, making me feel sick to the stomach. It has nothing to do with him, or the others, of course; in fact, I've had the best time of my life with them, slowly gaining more confidence as time goes on, falling harder and harder for the platinum blonde mullet wearing vampire, so much so that I would stay with him for an eternity, if it didn't mean slaughtering hundreds of innocent people. I've told him this thousands of times, every time he's tried to get me to turn, but my reasons always fall on deaf ears, the vampire being stubborn and unyielding to the point where he started utilising his incredibly cunning mind to try and convince me. He's tried everything, bribing me with dates and gifts, threatening (unsuccessfully) to leave me and even getting the other boys to talk to me. At some point, he even asked Max for help, but apparently the head vampire could only laugh at David's predicament.

And even after all his failed tricks, he still hasn't given up, which explains why we're currently sat, a metre or so apart, on the beach, my mind having instinctually told me to put space between us when he first brought it up again, a grim expression on my face.

"What's not to like, (Y/n)? Immortality, enhanced senses, flying..." He encourages, giving me the same speech as always, just worded slightly differently.

"Killing people..." I mumble irritably, carrying on the same tone, as if reading out a list, crossing my arms across my chest.

He chuckles, the sound reverberating around my skull as it always does, a smile tempting my lips as I hear it, having always loved the sound of his laugh, even before we officially got together.

"Yes, but I've told you before: you don't think about it once you've done it, and the thrill-"

"Overshadows the guilt, I know. You've told me about a thousand times." I finish for him, knowing he's smirking at my words, though I refuse to give him the satisfaction of looking in his direction, aware of the fact that he's most likely staring at me and able to see me in the dark, what with his vampire vision and all.

"So I don't see why you can't just accept what I'm offering you." He pushes, the vampire taking a drag from the cigarette in his hand, blowing the smoke out a few seconds later with an audible sigh.

Rolling my eyes, I clench my jaw before replying, annoyed that I have to go over it all again.

"Because, unlike you four, I'm not used to drinking blood every night, and I'm most definitely not used to killing people to get it, and the whole idea of doing either one of those things is not one I even want to think about! We've been through this countless times, and every time you just ignore me. Maybe it's time you actually listened, for a change." I snap at him, shocked at my own tone, though it is understandable after all the pestering he's put me through in the last five months.

For once, David is silent, somehow unable to come back with a witty comment or remark, a first for the cocky vampire.

"Maybe that's because I don't want to hear another rejection. I'm just as tired of this as you are, (Y/n)." He finally admits, voice uncharacteristically quiet.

"Then why do you keep doing it?!" I exclaim,  looking over at him to find that he has his head bowed, though I can tell from his posture that he is uncomfortable.

"Because I want to spend eternity with you! It's got nothing to do with the bond or whatever, I genuinely love you!" David retorts, voice laced with raw emotion, a sigh escaping his lips as he tries to calm himself, "At this point, I've run out of ideas so I've got nothing better to try than this."

Confused, I go to speak, only to be cut off when I feel his leather clad finger against my lips, telling me to keep quiet, his hands moving to hold onto mine as he goes to kneel in front of me, taking a deep breath.

"Look, I don't do this often, and it will very likely never happen again, so know that I am being as sincere as I can be. I want you to turn because I can't face an eternity without you. I've felt alone for the longest time, even with the boys hanging around it's nothing compared to how I feel when I'm with you. You make me feel as if I still belong in the world, and that I'm not some abomination that was created to spite the traditional idea of living then dying. I know the idea of killing people isn't a pleasant one, but I swear to you that it gets easier, and controlling yourself can also help with this. You don't necessarily have to kill anyone, and drinking blood doesn't sound as bad when you're like me; it's just like drinking normally, but much more satisfying trust me." He stops for a moment, looking down briefly as I try to come to terms with this new approach, barely recognising the needy vampire before me, "Please, (Y/n), I need you to stay with me. I need someone to ground me as much as you do. I, well, I don't tho k I'll be able to face the rest of my life without you. Please turn, (Y/n), please. For my sake?"

For a couple of minutes, I remain silent, my eyes wide at David's heartfelt words; I knew he loved me, but I never realised just how strongly he does, the ulterior meaning behind the words making me feel much happier about the relationship. I soon find my voice, my mind spinning from the different outlook on what he's been trying to get me to do, my response a little shaky.

"Are you begging me, David?" Is all I can manage, my head still trying to wrap itself around the idea. David doesn't beg, not for anything.

He seems to stumble over what to say, until it clicks that that is, in fact, what he is doing.

"It's the only way I can think of that will convince you, (Y/n), so yes, I am begging you to turn and stay with me until the end of our days. Please, (Y/n). I'm begging you."

Again, I take some time to myself, rubbing my thumbs over his gloved hands to reassure him a little, a low ache starting in my head as I think it through properly. I'd never considered that he had become dependant on my attention, but it makes sense: he's spent so long living as the leader of a group of unruly boys that he's most likely missed out on the affection and care that comes with having a lover, so much so that it's made him needy enough to beg for me to join them properly. We'd be able to spend endless days together, enjoying the perks of being immortal vampires through the decades, and God knows I crave doing that, spending time with the vampire I've come to love with all I have to give. But, as always, one thing keeps me from agreeing on the spot.

My thoughts stray to the imaginary images my mind conjured up, recalling the visions of terrified people being torn into by a ravenous, vampiric version of me, dying at my hands simply because I need to feed. But what he'd said earlier strikes a chord within me, reminding me that I don't have to kill, if I learn how to control myself before I become addicted to the thrill.

"(Y/n)?" His concerned voice breaks through the trance-like state I've put myself in, shaking me from my thoughts. I look him in what I think to be the eye, relaxing myself a little before speaking.

"David, I honestly want to spend eternity with you, I really do, but I have to consider the whole killing thing again. You say I can learn to control myself, but none of you guys can, not even Dwayne, who is one of the most controlled people I know. It terrifies me, honestly, having the choice to kill someone or let them live, depending on how hungry I am, and then almost always choosing to kill them anyway, because the bloodlust is just too strong. You have no idea how much that scares me." I confess to him, looking down at my lap in the dark, hoping he won't see the embarrassed flush rising to my cheeks. Quietly, he shuffles around until he's sat beside me again, wrapping his arm around my body and pulling me into his chest as he always does, letting me muzzle into him for comfort, breathing in the familiar scents that always accompany him.

"We can all help you, (Y/n), and you know that I will never give up on you, no matter how stubborn you get. I want, no, need to spend the rest of my life with you, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that happens." He says to me, voice low and comforting as he buries his face into my hair, holding me tighter against him.

"I believe you, David. I just need time to think." I reply, moving my head so that I can look up at him, knowing his icy blue eyes will be focused on me.

"I'll give you time, (Y/n), but you know how impatient I get."

I giggle quietly, reaching up to brush a strand of platinum blonde hair back into its correct place.

"I promise you, David, I will make a decision soon, but if I do turn, you have to swear to me you will help me try not to kill people. Please?" I assure him, watching him for a reaction, though it is nearly impossible in the black night.

"Of course, I'll do anything for you." David hums in agreement, leaning down to capture my lips in a gentle kiss, lifting a hand to cup my face, pulling me closer as I gladly reciprocate.

Pulling away, he rests his chin on top of my head as I return my face to his chest, intent on staying there until he has to move, knowing he is only too happy to oblige.

"I love you, David." I whisper to him carefully, resting a hand on his chest.

"I love you, too." He replies, his voice low as he murmurs this into my hairline, pressing a quick kiss there as his hands continue to caress my sides and back, lulling me into a sense of safety and comfort.

[hamliet]

Pain, Fear, Death, and God: Fyodor and Gogol as Two Halves of Kirillov

God is the pain of the fear of death. Whoever conquers pain and fear will himself become God.

-Alexei Kirillov, Demons

So remember how when I first read Bungou Stray Dogs I started screeching incoherently and turned those screeches into a somewhat-coherent meta on how Fyodor in BSD was modeled after Alexei Kirillov from Dostoyesvky’s Demons? 

Well, here’s the follow up.

As I said in my previous meta, Demons is (tied with Crime and Punishment) my favorite novel of all time, and Alexei Kirillov is my very favorite character of all time, in any fictional medium, ever. He’s a walking bundle of paradoxes, existential angst and stunning compassion. But Demons is not necessarily a popular novel by Dostoyevsky standards and so Kirillov, despite being written about by literary critics and Camus, is somewhat obscure. That Asagiri is so clearly inspired by his character is shocking and thrilling for me; I’m pinching myself. 

The tl;dr version of Kirillov is that his whole schtick is that he wants to kill himself to prove that he is free and thereby can escape. It’s far more nuanced and complex, as I’ll go into, but essentially both Gogol and Fyodor’s philosophies and goals reflect this.

Gogol does not want to kill Fyodor because he hates Fyodor; rather, it’s because Gogol and Fyodor are two halves of a whole. They are a paradox together, embodying Kirillov’s complexity. Like Kirillov, they are suicidal, because killing one of them is like killing themselves. To achieve their goals, they both need to die. 

Fyodor reminds Gogol that he is human and can connect; therefore, Gogol wants to kill him to assert his free will, as he views connections as a cage. Similarly, while we haven’t gotten much insight into Fyodor’s thoughts on Gogol, I think it’s highly likely Fyodor allowed Gogol to kill himself (he thought) because he clings to his beliefs at the expense of his (very much there) empathy, and it’s better for his goals if people who provoke his empathy die. Basically: Fyodor allowed Gogol to “die” not because he doesn’t care about him, but because he does. 

For a brief background: Demons itself is an allegory about how people who become consumed by their ideas become possessed by said ideas; thus, they become devils or demons. The actual title of the novel, Бесы, is difficult to translate, hence why it has three different titles in English: The Possessed, The Devils, and Demons. The word “Бесы” in Russian refers to the ones doing the possessing, which is why the latter two are generally considered to be more accurate translations of the title. In particular, the novel demonstrates the tragic consequences of Russian nihilism and singles out moral nihilism. (It’s also looked to as a rather eerie novel, because almost everything it wrote about happening in a--then fictional--political revolution is exactly what happened in Russia a few decades later.) 

As I wrote in my previous meta, Fyodor, like Kirillov, is “consumed” by his ideas, something Kirillov laments in Demons. Fyodor’s consumption with his ideals means that he is willing to sacrifice everything for his goals. Gogol, too, shares this trait. 

Where they differ is in motivations for their respective plans, motives they share with Kirillov. Kirillov’s master plan is to commit suicide for two reasons: firstly, that he has free will and will thereby inspire society to live freely, and secondly, because he sees life as nonsensically painful and thereby not worth living. The first reflects Gogol’s personal aims, and the second Fyodor’s.

Let’s discuss Kirillov and Fyodor first. Kirillov believes that mankind invented God (keep in mind the context this was written in; God=Russian Orthodox Christianity) to go on living because of the absurdity of life. 

Listen: this man was the highest on all the earth, he constituted what it was to live for. Without this man the whole planet with everything on it is--madness only. There has not been one like Him before or since, not ever, even to the point of miracle. This is the miracle, that there has not been and never will be such a one. And if so, if the laws of nature did not pity even This One, did not pity even their own miracle, but made Him, too, live amidst a lie and die for a lie, then the whole planet is a lie, and stands upon a lie and a stupid mockery. Then the very laws of the planet are a lie and a devil's vaudeville. Why live then, answer me, if you're a man.”

Fyodor's disgust for the world and determination to save it from the sin of abilities reflects this same attitude. Life is wrong, so it should cease to exist. Abilities are wrong, so everyone with one should cease to exist. The reason is, most likely, strongly based in how painful Fyodor’s ability has been for him.

Kirillov laments:

“God is necessary and so must exist… But I know He doesn’t and can’t… Surely you must understand that a man with two such ideas can’t go on living?”

...

“If there is no God, then I am God.”

If Kirillov is god, then he is the ultimate master of his fate. Kirillov is very aware of his own limits, and so he thinks this absurd and life pointless. 

That conversation continues (Kirillov’s responses are bolded):

“There, I could never understand that point of yours: why are you God?”

“If God exists, all is His will and from His will I cannot escape. If not, it’s all my will and I am bound to show self-will.”

“Self-will? But why are you bound?”

“Because all will has become mine. Can it be that no one in the whole planet, after making an end of God and believing in his own will, will dare to express his self-will on the most vital point? It’s like a beggar inheriting a fortune and being afraid of it and not daring to approach the bag of gold, thinking himself too weak to own it. I want to manifest my self-will. I may be the only one, but I’ll do it.”

This very much reflects Gogol: killing his high moral power (connection and empathy) through the man who identifies himself as a god (Fyodor) to prove his independence and freedom. 

But we’ve kind of already seen where this ends:

Gogol you’ve literally shown yourself terrified of dying (which Kirillov is as well). I know Gogol was likely acting in this scene, but given the themes of BSD and Gogol’s character, plus the fact that he did, in fact, choose not to die, I think this is likely somewhat reflective of his true feelings.  

But again, Kirillov asserts:

“I am awfully unhappy, for I’m awfully afraid. Terror is the curse of man.… But I will assert my will, I am bound to believe that I don’t believe. I will begin and will make an end of it and open the door, and will save. That’s the only thing that will save mankind and will re-create the next generation physically; for with his present physical nature man can’t get on without his former God, I believe. For three years I’ve been seeking for the attribute of my godhead and I’ve found it; the attribute of my godhead is self-will! That’s all I can do to prove in the highest point my independence and my new terrible freedom. For it is very terrible. I am killing myself to prove my independence and my new terrible freedom.”

As Gogol outlined, what disrupted his plans was Fyodor’s empathy for him, and his empathy for Fyodor. Their connection literally saved his life (hence I kind of doubt their connection will kill them in the end). He cannot die without killing that connection. 

Two things almost disrupt Kirillov’s plans. Firstly, and chiefly, it’s his empathy for others. Kirillov is noted to be a character who is extremely kind, good with children, and unafraid to risk himself to help others. When Kirillov finds out his friend betrayed him and is planning to use Kirillov’s suicide to get away with the murder of a third friend, Kirillov is horrified. He refuses to go through with his suicide at first, screaming in horror that his friend is dead and that he unwittingly enabled his killer to end his life. When he does ultimately go through with it, he states that it is because “I want to kill myself now: all are scoundrels.” He goes through with it because his human connections are failing. 

Even the novel’s most villainous character concludes “I agree” when Kirillov is called “good.” Kirillov will stop at nothing to help his friends, and he believes all people are good and will become good if they are just told they are. However, the tragic irony of this scene is that the person speaking to Kirillov--Nikolai Stavrogin--is very much a literary example of a psychopath. (Those of you who follow me know I don’t use that word lightly.) However, Stavrogin does not want to be this way; he wants to feel, he wants to be bothered by the terrible sins he’s committed. What he’s asking Kirillov, essentially, is to understand this and call him wrong for what he did, which absolutely no one does in the novel:

“Everything’s good.”

“Everything?”

“Everything. Man is unhappy because he doesn’t know he’s happy. It’s only that. That’s all, that’s all! If anyone finds out he’ll become happy at once...

“And if anyone dies of hunger, and if anyone insults and outrages the little girl, is that good?”

“Yes! ...They’re bad because they don’t know they’re good. When they find out, they won’t outrage a little girl. They’ll find out that they’re good and they’ll all become good, every one of them.”

“Here you’ve found it out, so have you become good then?”

“I am good.”

“That I agree with, though,” Stavrogin muttered, frowning.

“He who teaches that all are good will end the world.”

“He who taught it was crucified.”

“He will come, and his name will be the man-god.”

“The god-man?”

“The man-god. That’s the difference.”

Stavrogin’s examples are based on things he’s done. Kirillov isn’t aware of these deeds, but he does know his friend’s mind better than most of their other friends. The problem is that Kirillov refuses to truly act on this empathy, to accept that men can be scoundrels and good, because he wants what he believes (that all are good) to be so. Kirillov’s too consumed with his desire to end the world (hello Fyodor) to save mankind via proving himself free to actually use his empathy to help his friends. In fact, the murderer points out to Kirillov that if he’d focused more on his friend, he might have been able to prevent the murder. 

A similar attitude is reflected in Fyodor’s desire to destroy ability-users (i.e. end the world) and in his interactions with people. He doesn’t put his empathy into forming actual connections, and those he has he deliberately does not invest in (such as when he kills the kid in his introductory chapter). He kills ability users paradoxically because he cares about them and about other people. I wrote about it a bit in this meta here:

Fyodor... lives very much in a world of black and white. He makes Goncharov happy all the time, unable to experience pain or negative emotions. He believes all ability users are a sin and should be destroyed. He’s an idealist in a lot of ways, believing in absolutes (which is also a hallmark of a childish perspective...).  he wants to... force every single ability user to feel his pain (that their abilities are a sin) by wiping them out. In short, Fyodor wants empathy despite refusing to listen to the feelings of others. (He understands their feelings; he just chooses to emphasize his pain over theirs.) 

Unlike Kirillov, however, whose last scene is renowned as “the most harrowing in all of literature” (I can’t even describe it; it has to be read) I think there’s pretty good reason to hope that Fyodor and Gogol will not end up taking each other out. Because the thing about Kirillov, the reason his character resonates so much with me, is the second reason his plans are almost disrupted: it’s how desperately he wants to live. He just wants to know that his life matters. The way Kirillov expresses these desires is absurd in a lot of ways and certainly hyperbolic, but it’s a desire reflected in most of BSD’s characters, and in, well, a lot of us in real life, too. 

Empathy and genuine human connection are the greatest powers in BSD’s world, as we saw recently through Atsushi getting the location of the page from empathizing with Sigma by telling him what he most wanted to know: that he mattered. 

Sigma now knows, to an extent, that he matters. At least, he’s been told as much.  

Gogol states that Sigma is key to his plans succeeding: Sigma’s ability can tell him Fyodor’s ability, which will enable Gogol to kill Fyodor. Except... Sigma’s ability might just work in an way that cultivates empathy post-connection with Atsushi. If Sigma can trust that he matters, despite having been created by the page and having been abused and subjected to all manner of lies and exploitation, he might be key to Fyodor and Gogol’s conflict resolution rather than to them actually killing each other.

Fyodor matters despite having an ability that seems to make him unable to touch people--because he can touch people with his empathy. (His empathy is, of course, literally what draws Gogol to want to kill him.) Fyodor’s empathy with Gogol has already physically saved Gogol.

Gogol matters even if he is understood by someone, because empathy is a strength and not a weakness. Someone understanding him doesn’t make him matter less, and being bound by feelings isn’t actually a bad thing. His connection with Fyodor has already saved his life.

Both Fyodor and Gogol have now saved Sigma at some point. Sigma’s design, of course, is literally split with two different colored halves of his hair, indicating that the artist likely means to symbolize the clash of two halves (see: Q, who represents how soukoku (Dazai and Chuuya) are two halves of a whole in terms of their best and worst traits). However, they exist in one person, and Sigma seems reasonably stable for someone with his situation. 

Additionally, Fyodor and Gogol both are also somewhat modeled after Rodion Raskolnikov, the protagonist of Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment, whose name literally means “split” in Russian. (Actually, Kirillov is very much a more internal, tragic version of Raskolnikov.) Like Kirillov, Raskolnikov is a paradox embodied: he’s stunningly empathetic and kind (rushing into a burning building to save orphans), but his philosophy is that it’s fine for him to kill others because he’s a “Napoleon” (special figure; “man-god,” to use Kirillov’s term). 

But what is split is ultimately made whole in Crime and Punishment. Raskolnikov meditates on the raising of Lazarus from the dead and essentially resurrects himself, redeems himself. 

I highly doubt Gogol and Fyodor’s story will end with them dead because:

It’s BSD and nobody stays dead unless you’re Oda or a red shirt; 

Gogol and Sigma have already served us fake-out deaths, so it’s a lot to ask your audience to buy another death from the same character (killing Fyodor is essentially Gogol killing himself);

them surviving and having Fitzgerald-esque redemption arcs very much fits with the themes of Dostoyevsky’s works and specifically with the book after which Fyodor’s ability is named;

resurrection seems to be a motif with everything involving Fyodor, from Cannibalism to this current arc.

[sxveme-2]

blueberry pancakes // bucky barnes

MASTERLIST

Description: A single mother. Juggling being a mom, a full time pediatrician, and a difficult ex who believed now would be the best time to finally be a father. A soldier ripped out of time. Ex-assassin turned superhero. Learning how to balance a new domestic life with handling demons of his past, while facing the trials of the future. a love story began over something as simple as chocolate chip pancakes with hidden blueberries.

Disclaimer: I do not own any original Marvel characters! All canon plots and canon characters belong to Marvel Comics and Marvel Studios. This is an original work. You may not publish it anywhere else

Status: Edited

Note: Takes place after endgame. I have elected to ignore Tony's death and Steve's leaving. Did not happen. Quick Reminder! My works are only published here, AO3 and on Wattpad, thank you.

Chapter Eighteen: The One With the His Job

Warnings: N/A

Word Count: 3054

He told her there was a danger with him. That there was always going to be a threat. He warned her what could possibly come if they went further. But neither cared. Neither wanted to stop. There were such strong feelings between the two that if they stopped, Lily would be left with something missing in her life. She didn't want to let him go, despite being hesitant to let him in. He created this new feeling of safety for Lily, yet here they sat. She knew what her parents were doing. It was recorded in studies that the Winter Soldier was unlocked through a series of Russian words, triggers that would set off the chemicals in his brain.

And for the first time, Lily felt scared around Bucky Barnes. But it didn't last long.

With his eyes squeezed tight, Bucky made his way towards Lily and Hunter. Fluttering those steel-blue eyes, Bucky looked at Lily, and she knew he was still there. He turned his back to the two, blocking the view of Lily's family. And he spoke, cool, calm, and collected.

"For two of the smartest scientists, you don't do a lot of research," Bucky began, "I don't work like that anymore. Now in about two minutes Captain America and the Falcon are going to walk through those doors. Do us all a favour, and just sit. And wait."

The clicking of a gun made Lily's heart stutter. It came from one of the three Osbornes. She whispered a quiet prayer, despite her lack of religious beliefs, and tugged the young boy closer to her. Her breathing was rapid and tears brimmed at the mossy iris of her eyes, creating a glass-like effect. It made her look like a real doll, just as Bucky called her. A small shuttering breath escaped her lips as she pressed a kiss to the soft tufts of blonde on Hunter’s head. If anything, she just wanted to shield Hunter from all of this. With what he had been through at such a young age already, Lily felt her heartbreak at the idea of him having to witness the events that would follow.

"Lily go to the car," Bucky whispered, glancing over his shoulder, "Please."

She didn't hesitate. Most people she was sure would try and stay and help, but Lily would be damned if she had Hunter stay in this cafe for a second longer. Without skipping a beat, the blonde tugged her son away from the booth and darted with him towards the car they had brought here that morning, rushing him into the back. The moment the doors closed, both Lily and Hunter let out a breath of relief. Leaning her head forward, Lily placed it on the top of her steering wheel, blinking away the tears that threatened to fall as everything began to settle in.

The sound of her phone ringing made every hair on her body stand on edge.

Glancing up, Lily sniffled while answering through her car. It was Rose. And dear God was the elder sister glad to hear from her. But nervous at the same time. She wasn't sure if Rose knew about what was happening, she could only assume so, seeing as the younger sister had been in the cafe not too long ago with Lily's best friend.

"Lily! Thank god you answered are you okay?" Rose's panicked voice quivered as it rang through her speakers, "Do you have Hunter? Please tell me you have Hunter?"

"Yeah, yeah Rose I've got Hunter. We're okay. We're in the car." Lily responded, her own voice barely above a whisper, "Are you and Gen okay?"

"Yeah...yeah, we're at Gen's apartment. I tried to take Hunter, I tried. But they...they ju- "

"Rose stop. It's okay...listen I'm with Hunter right now I'll call you back. Make sure Gen's okay, and just stay there." Lily finished, "I love you." and with that, the blonde ended the call, turning her attention to the clear shell-shocked boy that was sitting in the back seat.

"Mom is Bucky gonna hurt grandma, grandpa, and uncle Cedar?" his voice whispered, shaking and cracking halfway through.

Lily felt a ton of bricks smash against her chest. She herself didn't even know the answer to that. She trusted Bucky, yes. But this was also his job. To take down the people who do these sorts of things. Bring them to justice, by whatever means needed. And a part of her knew that there was a possibility she could lose her parents and brother within the next few minutes, but the other half of her knew that Bucky wouldn't. She felt deep inside that if it came down to it, he would let them live and be brought to legal task instead of violence. But Lily didn't know...but she couldn't leave Hunter hanging. If she did that, then he'd know her own thoughts on the matter. And it wouldn't help either case.

"No." she stated, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, "No I don't think Bucky will."

And she was right.

Not too long later, the doors to the cafe swung open after the police screamed down the street. Lily watched with pain in her eyes as her parents, unscathed with a mere bruise or two were walked from the building, Bucky, Steve, and Sam following close behind. No one looked injured or hurt, and a sigh of relief escaped from Lily. Bucky glanced over at the car and excused himself from the trio, jogging towards the car. Lily watched as he opened the passenger side door, sliding in.

"Hey, Hunt buddy," Bucky whispered, shifting to turn.

"Hi, Bucky." Hunter returned, a sense of relaxation in his tone after seeing that no one had been injured, "Is everything okay now?"

Bucky's eyes met Lily's, and the two shared a moment of silence before he began to speak once again, "Yeah. Everything's okay now buddy."

-----

"How're you feeling, hun?" Lily whispered as she took a seat on Hunter's bed after tucking him in for the night, "Lots happened today. Is there anything you wanna talk about?"

"Why'd they do it?" the boy whispered, looking up at his mother, "Why did they do it, mom, I don't get it."

Lily let out a soft sigh, running a hand across the boy’s forehead, "I don't know bud. I don't. I wish I had an answer for you. Bucky's taking care of it. anything you need to know I'll tell you, okay? I promise." the blonde hummed, reaching her pointer finger out.

Hunter nodded and wrapped his smaller finger around hers. Pressing a kiss to the boy’s forehead, Lily stood from the bed. Flicking off the lights, she smiled gently at Hunter curling under his blankets before she shut the door to his bedroom. Digging the heels of her hands into her eyes, Lily walked down the stairs where Bucky, Sam and Rose were sitting in her living room. She smiled gently when they looked up at her before she took a seat next to Bucky on the couch.

"So this is a daily thing with you guys, hm?" Rose asked, sipping her water, "Like what do you guys do when people aren't trying to blow up the city or take over the world?"

The room fell silent except for the late-night news playing in the background. Bucky and Sam looked at each other with frazzled expressions as though they didn't even know what they did when there wasn't an imminent threat to the city or the world. Lily couldn't help but laugh at that fact. Out of the four of them, she lived the most basic and mundane life. Rose was a world-famous stylist and designer, Bucky and Sam were superheroes. Lily was just a children's doctor living in suburban Manhattan with a family and a dog. The other three had travelled all over the world, and Lily hadn't. So learning what these fantastic people did in their free time did seriously intrigue the girl.

"Yeah I mean there aren't always people trying to take over the world," Lily continued, sipping her glass of wine, "Do you like...go bowling?"

Bucky let out a laugh, his head rolling backwards, "Bowling? I guess so, I mean there is an alley in the compound. But we mostly just hang out at our own places really. Wait for the next mission. I help at the retirement home, Sam hosts a veteran support group. Steve never stops working." the man hummed, his arm draping across Lily's shoulders.

"Speaking of bowling," Lily sighed, readjusting herself, "Hunter's birthday is next week and I still have no idea what to do. He's getting older and it's harder to come up with ideas."

"How do we go from talking about Bucky and Sam being literal superheroes to Hunter's birthday," Rose chuckled, "But I'm not sure Lil. Maybe take them bowling I guess."

"Or bring him and a few of the kid’s friends by the compound," Sam suggested, "If the kid’s friends are anything like Hunter, I'm sure they'd love it. Run a watered-down version of a training thing to be an Avenger."

"I'd love that Sam thank you. I just want to give him something to take his mind off of everything going on." Lily shrugged, leaning further into Bucky.

-----

November seventh. The faithful day that Lily welcome her baby boy into the world around her. Into her arms, into the life of New York. Despite her not wanting kids for quite some time, she wouldn't take back having Hunter. She just wished he was the son of someone better. For his father was the person Lily wouldn't even wish upon her worst enemy. Every year since Hunter was born, Lily wanted to make his birthday special. She'd pull out all of the stops if it meant seeing her boy smile brighter than she ever had before. And in the times they were experiencing now, she knew he needed it, as did she, more than ever.

"So how do you know the avengers?" One of the kid’s parents, Jill, asked as everyone unloaded from the cars when they arrived at the compound, "Because Hunter's story seems a bit far-fetched, hun."

Lily sighed and rested her hand on her son’s shoulder and looked over at the woman, "What did he tell you, Jill?"

"That his mommy's seeing the Winter Soldier." the woman hummed, placing her own hand on her son’s shoulder, "Sounds like a fantasy."

"Fantasies can come true." A deep voice hummed. Lily couldn't help but grin at the feeling of a metal arm wrapping around her waist. Bucky. The small group of parents went silent as the man pressed a kiss to Lily's temple, "And only seeing? Here I was hoping we could refer to it as something a little bit more, doll." he teased, earning an elbow from Lily.

Lily felt her face heat up and her breathing catch in her throat. As much as she wanted to rub all of this in Jill's face, she still had that massive bundle of nerves inside of her that held her back. All of the parents here weren't exactly Lily's friends. She knew them from the PTA at Hunter's school and a few from her neighbourhood, and they were all very much those cliche suburban moms that would be seen in movies. Stuck up, believed themselves to be perfect with the perfect children. And Lily quite liked their children, but the mothers? Ugh, Lily couldn't stand them. However, they were insistent on joining the kids for the tour.

"Nice to see you finally have a man in your life," One of the other moms, Gina, hummed as the group began to walk towards the compound, "And a strong father figure for Hunter."

Lily glanced to the side, scoffing at her remarks, "I'm both Hunter's mother and father. And I don't need a man, Gina, I've raised Hunter alone his whole life essentially." she muttered, resting a hand on Bucky's arm to relax the tension.

Ever since the night Cedar attempted to break into Scott's apartment, something inside of Lily grew. A new side of her, she supposed. Growth, almost. A part of her knew that if she were able to stand up to Scott, the man who had destroyed any ounce of confidence she had throughout their relationship, who were Gina and Jill to hold her back. Of course, there was only a certain extent she would go to, for she was still nervous to even speak to people most of the time.

"Welcome to the Avengers compound!" Tony boomed as the doors opened for everyone to walk in, "If you'd like to join the little kiddos on the tour Just keep to the left here with Mr. Sam Wilson, aka the Falcon. and if parents would like a few drinks, follow me, towards the lounge."

A few of the parents joined the group of kids as they wandered down the hall. Hunter waved goodbye to Lily as she and the other parents made their way towards where Tony Stark was leading them. The small group of mothers and fathers whispered as Bucky tightened his grip on Lily's waist. The last thing Lily actually wanted to do was spend time with these parents, however, she was willing to sacrifice her sanity for a few hours if it meant giving Hunter the best day ever.

"Alright, Cyborg go help Nat bring out the refreshments while I get these people situated, hm?" Tony teased, patting Bucky's flesh arm, "Lily come, help me entertain your friends."

When Bucky's arm left Lily's waist, Tony took over by looping his arm with hers. Lily raised her eyebrow at the man as he took her over towards the rest of the group, sitting next to her on one of the couches. Lily gave the billionaire a quizzical look but he just nodded, as if telling her to simply go along with it. Lily and Tony had only spoken a handful of times, but he seemed fairly persistent about letting Bucky go get the things from the kitchen.

"So Lily," one of the fathers, Thomas, started, "it's really nice to see you get back out into the field. Not even just romantically, socially too. Maybe you'll actually come to the PTA group date nights, with someone other than Genevive." he chuckled, leaning backwards on his seat.

"She wouldn't attend anyway, Tommy. Lily isn't one for fun." Jill chuckled, crossing her legs, "What is it you do, Lily? Stay at home with your dog and kid. Come on, no one wants to see their kid that often. The only time I see you out is with Joey!" the woman continued, shaking her head.

Despite it being somewhat truthful, the woman's words stung a bit. Lily knew she didn't go out often and never really tried to connect with everyone around her. The only time she really did was when she was essentially forced, and she figured that's why Jill figured to go for a sensitive part in Lily's life. But then again, Jill was also a two-faced gossip who could never stay out of other people's business. Lily seemed to be her favourite topic of discussion, and her favourite to pick on. The blonde felt as though she were back in high school, or hell, even middle school. Jill was always going after Lily's insecurities, as though she could see right through her. It terrified the young mother, but Lily knew how much Hunter loved Jill's son. So she went through with it and sucked it up so her son could enjoy himself.

"Interesting comment...uh what was your name?" Tony commented, leaning forward slightly.

"Jill. Jill Reinhart." the redhead hummed, tilting her head to the side.

"Right. Jen, so like I was saying. Interesting comment. Lily here is actually quite in tune with fun. She attended a party I threw not too long ago and was an absolute hoot." Tony chuckled, squeezing the blonde’s shoulder, "And just because she actually enjoys spending time with her kid, who is a saint, doesn't mean she's any less fun. So."

The room fell silent. Lily looked over at the man with wide eyes as she took in what he had said. Jill always managed to find that soft spot, but Tony was quick to the jump. She figured this was why he had sent Bucky off, so he could deal with the clear teenage drama that was taking place inside of a group of adults. It probably didn't help Lily was the youngest of the entire group and was clearly the most vulnerable.

"W-well I was just- "

"No, jenny I really don't wanna hear it. Ah! here come Nat and Bucky with refreshments." Tony hummed, wiggling his eyebrows at the blonde before taking a seat next to nat as she sat down.

"you alright doll?" Bucky hummed as he walked over, reaching his hand out, "Mind joining me in the kitchen for a quick second?" he continued.

Lily nodded and took the man’s hand, standing from the couch. She glanced over her shoulder to see Jill sitting there with an absolutely shocked face. Lily smiled gently to herself as Bucky tugged her out of the lounge and into the hallway. A giggle escaped both of their lips as he spun her into his arms, leaning her up against one of the walls just outside of the kitchen. shaking her head, Lily wrapped her other hand into the man’s hair, enjoying the soft feeling of the dark tresses. He hummed softly, before bending down and pecking her lips.

"I was about ready to absolutely rip a new one off of that woman." Bucky chuckled as he pulled away, resting his forehead against the shorter girls.

"Mmm, that's Jill. Just a PTA woman. A real handful." Lily cooed, letting out a deep breath, "Now what can I help you with?"

"Well..." Bucky hummed, leaning back gently, "I was just wondering...seeing as we may as well be. And I absolutely adore spending time with you and Hunter is the sweetest boy...Do we want to I don't know...make it official? Basically, what I'm asking, Lily Osborne, will you be my girlfriend?" he finished.

A new sense of fear settled deep within Lily's stomach.

[drw002]

Have you seen DREW WINSTON ? This THIRTY-FOUR year old is a SURGEON who resides in BROOKLYN. HE has been living in NYC for ALL OF HIS LIFE, and is known to be KIND and MELLOW, but can also be MOODY and DEFENSIVE, if you cross them. People tend to associate them with TIRED SMILES and COFFEE STAINED MUGS. 

hi guys! i’m elle, here to bring you my mcdreamy/nate archibald-esque baby; drew. he’s a muse i’ve had for quite a while now, but one that i haven’t really had the chance to write out...so he might be a little all over the place at first. nonetheless, i’m excited to explore and figure him out, and have him interact with other muses! i have a very, very condensed version of his background below — have a read and like the post/message me if you want to plot and get things going! @codstarters​

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘:

Drew (born Andrew Rene´ Winston) is a native New Yorker, born the first and only son of Tobias and Katherine Winston. 

 He was born into a dynasty of sorts, his family prominent in the world of business, law and politics. This had two implications for him; firstly, that his childhood would be one that was lonely. And it had been. His parents were often away, and they did nothing to make up for it, being twice as much emotionally distant than they were physically. He was left to the care of anybody but them; nannies, chauffeurs, housekeepers — even the doorman. But in that, he found himself being adopted into an unconventional family. The second, big implication had been the expectations put upon him. Even as a young boy, he was often reminded of the mantle he would one day take. His parents did more to train him than they did to raise him. Suffice to say, Drew never had a good relationship with them. 

He carried those expectations with him all throughout his adolescence, and it took a toll on him. Luckily, he had a sense of who to surround himself with; good influences that grounded him and kept him on the straight and narrow. Drew counts himself lucky, that the wealth of his family never got to his head. His life could have gone any which way, had he turned out to be like most of the children of his parent’s friends and colleagues. 

 He had every intention of following through with what was expected of him, seeing no other option. With hopes of getting his parent’s approval, Drew began his academic pursuits in law. Though, he had quickly become discontent with his choice. He craved to care for people; to be a person of service. And selfishly, he had wanted to stray away from the values of his family; their hunger for power and money. Those factors motivated him to explore other options.

 He eventually came to the conclusion that the field of medicine was his calling, much to the dismay of his parents. Falling out of the so-called obligations he had to his family rendered him the black sheep. 

𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓: 

Drew still has the family name looming over him, sometimes garnering unwanted attention and manifesting pre-conceived ideas, but he takes it all in stride; more content now than ever before. 

 He has managed to distance himself from his relatives, keeping mostly to himself for the benefit of his wellbeing. There is contact between Drew and his parents, but it is rare and most often hostile in manner. 

 Ultimately, he found success in his chosen field. Most, if not all of his efforts and energy go toward his work. 

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘:

 Possessing a subtle sort of charisma, Drew is passionate and headstrong. Admittedly, there are times which these can translate into stubbornness. 

 Drew has strong, paternal instincts. Whether toward his friends or stray animals, he is very inclined to act upon them.

 He is a workaholic, though this isn’t necessarily something that he is able to identify himself. 

 Drew has a clear vision of what he wants to put out into the world, and with that a very strong system of values. He is altruistic, and is very much a helper and a leader.

  In saying that, Drew tends to be overly idealistic. Because of this, he can get himself into situations where he is unable to make decisions; fearing making the wrong one. 

He also has a tendency to be overly-critical (mostly toward himself). But when it comes to others, he is patient and supportive like no other.

𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒

He has a cat !! A three-legged stray that he found and had no intention of keeping (considering his work schedule), but came to fall in love with. Its name is Cat. Short for Catrick Swayze. 

He’s a smoker, but he swears up and down that he’s quitting...he’s trying, at the very least. 

Forever stuck listening to 80′s music.

He’s a huge stresshead. Luckily, he has healthy outlets for those emotions — running (which he does every morning) and boxing. 

Probably knits. He’s steady with his hands, so. 

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

Friends - Typical, nothing too complicated or complex. They could have met by chance encounters, or through mutual friends. These could also be friendships spanning back to their childhood or adolescence. 

Neighbours - Ones that are friendly with him, others that are not (he gets home at ungodly hours and probably unintentionally makes a lot of noise). 

Colleagues - Fellow doctors, nurses etc !! They could get along, or not. Ultimately, they see each other a lot. 

Exes - Honest to God, Drew wants nothing more to settle down but he has yet to figure out how to juggle work with relationships. He’s always sure to disclose this, though, so he could have exes he’s friendly with or ones that straight up resent him. Yikes. 

Flings: Short, casual relationships. They could have also just gone on a few dates but ultimately decided they weren’t feeling it. 

This is all I could come up with off the top of my head but! All in all, I’m open to anything. Don’t be afraid to put forward any of your ideas! 

[descensoparcialdeliris]

Alright, here it is @boysrunaway 💞💓. I really hope you like this.

Hold you for a million years.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love

Go to the ends of the Earth for you

To make you feel my love.

*****

It was almost midnight and they were holding tightly to each other. Finn had his head on Sam's shoulder and Sam's hands were connecting in Finn's back, hugging him. Their legs were intertwined in the sweetest but clingiest way possible. Inhaling and exhaling at the same rate, with their hearts beating in sync. It was the calm after the storm.

It all felt just right at that moment. Finn really could just be there for as long as he lived and not complain one bit. There, at that moment, where the only thing that mattered was each other's bodies covered in that yellow dim light, where the only thing they could hear was each other's breathing and that show they could not stop watching, where the only thing they could smell was each other's scent and where the only thing they could taste was each other's lips. At that moment, they were just them, every single piece of the world outside was non-existent.

"Jij en ik, 100%, voor altijd" Finn couldn't help but sigh, feeling Sander's words as his, holding even more tightly to Sam. Trying to tell him all that just by touching. Sam returned the hug, leaving also a sweet kiss on Finn's forehead. Finn would sometimes get so lost in his thoughts, thinking everything that happened was too good to be true and his way of getting back to reality was by touching, giving and receiving. Sam knew that, he had learned to read Finn's expressions and learned how to make him feel more at ease. "In elk universum" They both smiled at the tv screen. That sentence had a lot of power to them, relating so much to it.

It was always like this when one of them felt a little down. It had become now their thing, they would cuddle and watch that show every time any of them felt even just a little tired. No words needed, just the touch. This clip in specific was their cure, they would always fully release the tension on their bodies after hearing the short dialogue. Sometimes they would watch the rest of the show, other times they'd turn off the tv and fall asleep, or talk for a while. Most of the times, though, Finn would get his sketchbook and roughly sketch whatever he was feeling at the moment, just caring about portraying his emotions, more than how aesthetically pleasing the sketches would look. And Sam would be there, watching him draw, admiring him. Finn just loved to know Sam would be there to kiss every scar.

"You okay?" Sam whispered after he had sat up to turn off the tv, looking at Finn expectedly but with loving eyes, then changing positions and trying to find one comfortable enough for both of them. They had still their legs intertwined, but now they were facing each other, with their chests far apart and with their hands on each other, Finn had his on the side of Sam, while Sam's was going up and down the soft skin of Finn's arm, brushing his fingers ever so lightly, tracing now his little clown tattoo on the inside of his forearm.

Finn looked up at him, with his eyes fully open and smiling. "I am now" he replied, giving Sam a peck, getting closer to him and lowering his head a little. Now he had just his lover's locket on sight, he reached out to it, played with it a little, thinking about the story behind it and then opened it up. And there it was, the small version of one of the many paintings he had done for his boyfriend. It was a simple painting: two blue train seats with the sunlight sneaking through the window on the side. Finn had painted it one night, after hanging out, way before they knew they had feelings for each other, when they used to be just best friends. It was not the best day Finn had had and Sam had noticed it, so he put one earphone in Finn's ear and the other one in his, trying to make him feel at least just a little better. They were listening to music, singing, nothing out of the ordinary, but Finn had looked so lovely and baby with the sun shining on his face that Sam couldn't help but snap a picture of it. "Wacht, just keep looking at the sun" he remembered those words so vividly, like it had just been yesterday. And oh, it had been so tempting to him to just keep looking at Sam; so tempting to stay still, wait for Sam to ask him what was wrong and just tell him "I'm looking at the sun, you're my sun". But he didn't do it, so once he got home, he had to paint something not only to treasure that moment forever, but to free himself of what he was feeling.

Finn smiled a little bigger, remembering all those sweet times they had had even before they started dating. "What do you want to do now? Do you want to sleep?" Sam asked softly. Finn closed the locket and left it hanging on Sam's chest and looked up at him again. "I have completely lost any desire of sleeping, to be honest" Finn watched as a small and mysterious grin was growing on Sam's face and he furrowed his eyebrows, knowing he had something on mind but couldn't figure out what it was "Wha-"

"Alright, then, kom!" said Sam and jumped out of the bed, dragging him along.

"Wait, wait" Finn replied while laughing softly, confused by the sudden change of tone the whole situation had had. "What are you planning on doing?" he asked, curious but letting himself be dragged out of the bed, looking so lovely at Sam. God, he was so gone for him, he loved him so much. Sam just gave him one of his sweet smiles, the ones that made Finn's world stop and his stomach do silly things.

Sam positioned his boyfriend just behind the window. "Stay right here, I'll be right back" Finn felt a tender kiss on his shoulder and then the cold of his boyfriend's absence.

From where he was, he could see the moon, study it, feel its light on him like so many times before. He'd sketched to that light way too many times. For so long, the moon had just become his best friend, keeping him company when he couldn't get himself to sleep. When he'd felt so heavy, he'd think the space-time would distort just beneath him, he would feel the moon and the stars closer to him, so close that if he dared, he would be able to touch them. He'd feel so overwhelmed by the intense light he imagined to be striking him; but still wanting to reach out to it; feeling confused as well, how did the universe around him shine so bright when all he got was darkness inside? Thing is, he'd actually shine just as bright, but if he would've been able to see it, his eyes would've burned. Sam, on the other hand, was able if not to see it, to feel it. He knew Finn was worth everything.

And this time, right in front of his window, was different for Finn. He was not alone anymore, he was with the actual love of his life, hearing his movements behind, waiting for whatever he had on mind.  

It was just seconds later he started to hear the lyrics of that song they have sung each other many times before.

"I found a love, for me. Darling, just dive right in" Finn turned to face him, Sam was just a meter apart with one hand holding out "follow my lead" without any hesitation, Finn took it, with such a big stupid smile planted on his face and his heart pounding on his chest, following his boyfriend's lead, letting himself be swung by him. "I found a boy, beautiful and sweet".

"Oh, I never knew you were that someone waiting for me" Finn sang this time, his eyes shining so bright, they resembled a baby's eyes, so full of joy and love. Sam would never get tired of that face he gave him. Finn pulled Sam closer, not wanting to waste any other second far from him.

"'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love, not knowing what it was" they sang together this time, both just so amazingly lost in the song, drunk in the feeling, strayed in each other. Finn put his head in Sam's shoulder, once again and they began to slow dance. Sam's right hand was holding him by the back, while the other one was intertwined with Finn's left hand, their moves becoming more and more smooth with every second.

It felt like a dream, almost, slow dancing, with the moon so visible in the sky, that warm light hugging them, their shirtless bodies so up close and a little cliché song as background. They loved each other with so much intensity you could actually feel it in the air.

They danced to all the songs in the playlist, laughing constantly by the Disney songs that made them reenact the scenes, making silly faces and dance moves. 

"Hakuna Matata... What a wonderful phrase!" Sam recited in a high pitched tone, Finn couldn't help but roll his eyes, he was so done with that song. "Come on, you know you love it! It means no worries... For the rest of your days", Sam continued while starting to do so many stupid dances that got Finn laughing out loud, so sure that if his boyfriend kept going he was eventually going to fall. And it happened, Sam stumbled and fell on his knees, but couldn't even begin to care, he continued singing to the song.

Finn, on the other hand, was laughing at him, "You're such an idiot" he said but looking at him so fondly, feeling so amazed by how much he loved him, how much fun it was to be around him, how free he felt at moments like this. Sam looked at him still on his knees, smiling widely. He got up and quickly so closed to Finn "Oh, but I'm your idiot" he lamented jokingly as he pressed a soft kiss on Finn's lips, a short one, though. It was the kind of kiss Finn would never be satisfied with, so he cupped Sam's face, not letting their lips stay apart for more than a second, kissing him deeply but smiling through it. And, oh, every time they kissed felt like the fucking first time, Finn would feel a whole fucking zoo in his stomach; feel his heart pounding on his chest, pull Sam's hair and touch every part of his body. Again, to touch the reality of it all, to touch their love. He'd melt every time they kissed like this, needing Sam to hold him up, although they were both in the same bubble.

The world around them was fading away. Finn's hand in Sam's neck started going down and staying in his chest, right where he could feel his lover's heart beating. Meanwhile, Sam's hands were on Finn's waist, steadying him. It was so magical and powerful, every time they kissed they gave 'love' a whole new concept.

They continued dancing for so long, they lost track of time. Changing between slow and romantic songs to a little more energetic ones. Of course, Bowie had to be in the playlist, and whenever one of his songs started playing they would just do a whole performance of it, closing their eyes and singing loudly, as if they were on a concert with hundreds of fans singing along.

Some of the songs in it were from wtfock soundtrack, and to those ones, they would just chill, feeling so connected to them, to the story.

Dance Monkey started playing, making them break apart, stopping their slow dance from the song before and therefore, breaking their kiss. Both looked at each other, Finn's eyes were kind, warm but sleepy, while Sam's were loving but a little goofy, like he still had something in mind "They say dance for me, dance for me, dance for me, oh-oh-oh..." Sam sang and Finn made him spin on his place and then hugged him very tightly, holding him to never let go. It was just seconds later that Sam's intentions were revealed when he started tickling his boyfriend, wanting to hear his laugh one more time.

Finn tried to escape from it, laughing uncontrollably, walking backwards, trying to say whatever he could to get Sam to stop. But he wasn't going to stop, he kept going until Finn's feet hit the base of the bed, falling inevitably on it and with Sam falling right on top of him.

"Okay– okay!!" Finn tried to take Sam's hands off of him, his body shaking and his eyes shut, with tears starting to fall down from the pressure "Stop– my stomach is already starting to hurt!" he yelled one more time, choppy by the laugh taking over him, and Sam finally decided it was enough, he took his hand off of him and laid on his side, letting him catch his breath but laughing softly.

They stayed still, heavily breathing by the tiredness already hitting them, till the last seconds of the song they had forgotten about, the last one of the playlist. Finn landed his sleepy eyes on Sam's "Alright, I may be ready to sleep now" he said, with a tone ever so cute, so endearing and charming, looking at him with those baby eyes. Sam placed a hand on his face, holding him lightly, brushing his thumb tenderly on his cheek, giving him some eskimo kisses, too. "Yeah..." Sam took a deep breath and whispered "Me too".

"Let's go to sleep, engel" Finn chuckled and they quickly got under the covers, no cuddles yet, just facing each other just like before. Admiring each other's beauty, being so, so close and getting even more so, like magnets. They closed their eyes, but right before their lips met, Finn let out a sigh and murmured a soft "Thank you" as he stroked their noses and Sam opened his eyes to look at him.

"You don't have anything to thank me for, schat" Sam responded, cupping his face once again.

"No, I do, I just..." Finn opened his eyes, searching the right words to say "Thank you for making me feel this way... So loved and cared for. So... Safe" he said and felt those words in every part of his body, he really felt like that and needed Sam to understand the infinite love he had for him. He wanted to scream from the rooftops how madly in love he was with the boy just in front of him. He wanted to find a way to make Sam feel like he did every time they were together; wanted to find a way of really showing it to him. Because no matter how many times he said it, it always felt like it wasn't enough.

Sam smiled at him, so crazy over Finn's babyness and cuteness "You don't have to thank me for that" Finn opened his mouth to complain, but before he had a chance to do so Sam said "You don't" and raised Finn's chin with his index finger "Existing is everything you have to do to make me feel right" Finn couldn't do anything but melt and crash their lips together, putting his hand on his boyfriend's back and pushing him closer, kissing him so intensely.

They surrendered to the feeling. They kissed. They kissed as though nothing could fall. They kissed until they were too tired to even think.

But before they completely gave in to the darkness, Finn, slowly, as if he was tasting the words,  whispered "Ik hou van u" and searched for Sam's hand with his to interlock them. "Ik hou van u" Sam replied seconds after he pressed a small kiss on Finn's forehead "mijn kunstenaar" he said, lastly, with the words filled with adoration.

When they woke up, they were in exactly the same position. They woke up but stood so still, wanting to preserve that moment forever, feeling like time had stopped around them, feeling like the center of the universe, feeling so good. They could hear some birds singing outside and the relaxing way the other one breathed. They just knew how much they loved each other, felt it in their bodies... So much so, that they were sure they had to be together not only in this one, but in elk universum.

****

Fun facts?? i guess:

Sam is short for Samsíða which is Icelandic for 'parallel'. YES I KNOW IM CHEESY AF, but it just fitted so! well!

And yes, Finn, in this universe you have the clown tattoo I designed and that's on that, im sorry, i make the rules now.

[lavendertwilight89]

The Great Dog Demon War

Alright here we go **cracks knuckles** I already accidentally deleted my whole prologue the other day. Can we just say how frustrated I am??? But I think this version is better. Only took me 3 days to finally re-hash it all out.

Anyway, this is post cannon. I’ll lead into Kagome’s return in how I envisioned it and kind of set the tone of their relationship for the rest of the story (I know everyone has a different take and it’s been hell picking what I want to do with it but I think I finally landed on the right dynamic in my head) and then onto the main premise--i.e. the title.  I also am aware most prologues are shorter... but I’m sorry that’s just not gonna work here for what I am going for--I need more background to get into the story. 

Anyway please enjoy! **this will be an M rating. For now T for language**

Song inspiration: Song Of the Caged Bird-- Lindsey Stirling

**I do not own the song or InuYasha characters**

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Prologue

Kagome prayed close to everyday since she had returned to her era.  Initially, she was still shaken by her abrupt return and half-way expected or rather hoped to be able to return to the past.  After a couple months, she realized she needed to move on... Inuyasha couldn’t come for her.  She tried getting back to him... but the well had lost its magic. No matter how many she jumped in, tried to dig through, or even screamed his name the well refused to reopen. She began to pray in front of the Sacred Tree daily after school. Her new resolve was to live the normal life like she had wanted in the first place. Talk about irony. She prayed for peace.  She prayed for strength. She prayed for love... a love that would be greater and be able to ground her to this time and place... a love more powerful than her love for...

CRAP!!!!  She screamed internally and clapped her hands together angrily squeezing her already closed eyes tighter in annoyance because her inner thoughts betrayed her, yet again, for the thousandth time.  Her thoughts always led back to him.  For almost 2000 days, her thoughts never strayed far from Inuyasha. He was so engraved in her mind it was impossible for her to finish her prayer without his smirk appearing in her thoughts. Without envisioning his red robe of the fire rat, his long silver hair, his fluffy dog ears that sat on the top of his head that twitched whenever he was listening to her from afar, his long claws that would delicately tickle her when he’d carry her on his back on her thighs, his golden amber eyes that stared at her with such hope, longing, worry...love...

She let out a long disappointed sigh. God... why couldn’t she move on with her life?  She just finished high school.  She applied for university overseas in order to study medicine.  To be a doctor. That was what she always wanted right? Pft, let’s be serious--she applied overseas to get away from it all.  A new city, a new country, a new home... Wouldn’t that be enough to clear her head of it all? A distraction from everything she went through beginning four years ago. She was trying to move on.  That year of her life where she was in that era with him and her friends ended three years ago. There was no sign she’d be able to return...she was failing worse at keeping her thoughts away from him than when she almost failed out of middle school because of him. 

Well, this was waste of time. I’m still only thinking about him... Kagome chastised herself half-heartily. Her feet started to carry her away from the tree and back down into the well-house. She walked down the stairs thinking about why the well closed.  How she thought her time in that era had ended because they vanquished Naraku.  She helped Kikyo’s (her own) soul move on and be reborn in her. She purified the jewel... That was only her purpose... right? To fix the past and make a better future? That what she had begun to believe in these three years of solace. 

No... She... she had to be born to release Inuyasha from that fifty year slumber. She was born to teach him trust people, make friends, learn what love actually meant... She was born to be with him...or at least that’s what she thought...  She thought the red strong of fate had tied them together...maybe she was just young and stupid.  How did she really know what love was? But how can a fifteen year old fall in love that hard and fast without it actually meaning something. She hadn’t been able to move on from him. This couldn’t just be it... Right?

There was no way.  How could only one year of her life impact the other seventeen years that greatly if her soul-purpose was to only appease a soul and remove someone and something from existence? No, she had to be born for more. There was no denying it.  The last three years were empty for her. Lifeless. She was going to school to distract her from her pain.  She hung out with her friends to distract her from her loneliness.  She tried going out with Hojo finally... trying desperately to not think about Inuyasha... trying to get him out of her heart and head. She never smiled a real smile.  She couldn’t laugh an unforced laugh.  She couldn’t hold a conversation without effort. She couldn’t escape her heart and head anymore.  They would always be with Inuyasha.

Inuyasha...I-I want to see you... Kagome pleaded with the well clenching it tightly with her hands on the rails. And just like magic, she felt a breeze in her hair. She opened her eyes in shock and stared down. 

She didn’t hear her mother descend from the stairs towards her.  She didn’t even hear her initially when she said her name worriedly. Kagome was about to jump in without even a second thought.  She felt she was being pulled down into the void of time.

“Mother... The sky...” Kagome said breathlessly as she stared down into the well.

“Mmmmph...” Her mother said and put an arm around her shoulder and gazed down into the past and sighed. She knew her daughter had been struggling since her return.  She had been wearing a mask since she returned from the darkness; trying to be brave, trying to live a life everyone expected of her.  She went to school, came home, sometimes went out with friends; but she could see underneath it all how broken Kagome actually was because of her loss.  She lost her second family, her best friends that she had been completely honest with, and the love of her life that protected her with his own.  She heard Kagome scream at night while sleeping in fear, distress, sadness, hopelessness that Inuyasha wasn’t coming to save her.  She noticed she would leave the light on to try and chase the demons away, but even that didn’t help her agony and depression. She knew she had to let Kagome go... 

“M-mother... I-I’ve been thinking...” Kagome couldn’t even finish her sentence.  She was so scared her mother wouldn’t understand her pain. That she wouldn’t condone her desire she had to be with Inuyasha again.  She was fearful her mother would brush it off as a crush and that when she went away to university she would be able to forget and move on.  When her mother pulled her into a hug, Kagome kept her eyes trained to the well. Fearful it would close before she could convince her mother what she needed to do.

“Kagome,” her mother said and put a hand beneath her chin to guide her face to look at her.  She smiled happily but with hidden sadness of knowing this was the end, “I understand.”

Kagome teared up and smiled. It hit her. This was goodbye. Forever.  She grasped her mother hard and quaked a bit.

Kagome’s mother rubbed her hand on her back soothingly to reassure her that everything would be okay and she accepted her choice without anger or remorse.  She pushed her away gently and helped her stand up on the well. She gave her hand a tight squeeze and told her she would explain to Sota and Grandpa where and when she was going with a smile. Kagome nodded in acknowledgement almost torn about her decision...but then redirected her gaze down to the sky on the other side with a determined look. No...this is my destiny.

Kagome’s mother gave her hand one more tight squeeze then let go and stepped back.

“I love you, mother... Goodbye”

“We love you too, Kagome. Go.”

Without looking back, Kagome jumped and disappeared.

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Kagome landed on the other side of the well and looked up to make sure she was actually there. The fresh air hit her and she could smell how clean and crisp it was.  She heard the birds chirping. The sky was so blue and clear. She softly gasped taking in just the wonderment of being in the well smiling at the recognition she was back.

She looked over to the side of the well in hopes to see something to help her climb out since Inuyasha was not at the top like usual. She saw the vines that were there on her first venture to the past those four years ago and began to climb. She reminisced her first time coming through the well... the first time she spoke to Inuyasha. What would this reunion be life for them?   

She heard a gasp and shaky breathing above her when she got about half way to the top.  She looked up with wide eyes biting her lower lip.  Amber met caramel. His eyes were also wide in disbelief? Shock? Who could say.  It had been three years. He longed of this moment as much as she had. 

He reached out his arm with a sigh of relief to her. She released her lip from her bite and kicked off the wall and grabbed his hand and was whirled up over his head where she put an arm on his right shoulder to support herself from falling into him completely.  They got lost in other eyes of longing... there was so much to say... so much to confess...

“Kagome...” He finally said. That was the only thing he could say without his voice cracking.

“I’m sorry, Inuyasha... were you waiting for me?” She said tears forming at the corner of her eyes.

“Ugh,” He finally released the tension of holding her up and brought her into his arms. “you idiot, what have you been doing all this time?”

She felt him take some deep breaths of her hair. Her scent. He had to make sure she was real. She sighed happily into his arms.  She was finally home. She was finally at peace.  Her prayers came true.

He heard running coming from the village and stopping short of where the tree-line ended.  There, standing at the clearing’s edge were Miroku, Sango, Shippo, two twin girls, and a baby strapped to Sango’s back.  They stared in awe of the two sharing an intimate embrace.

“Kagome?” Miroku questioned in disbelief.

“You made it back!” Sango exclaimed.

Kagome and Inuyasha looked up and over to them.  His arms remained wrapped around her.  He didn’t care anymore what anyone thought of their relationship.  He literally followed her into the underworld.  Into the Jewel of the Four Souls.  Loved her enough to let her be safe in her world... rather than being here with him. They all knew. She knew.  She came back.

“Sango, Miroku, it’s great to see you!” While Inuyasha was always her primary thought, her most potent desire, she missed her friends.  Sango knew her entire life. Her double life, her love for Inuyasha and the relationship they were struggling to build over the times of their travels, how it seemed unrequited but through Sango’s reassurance she help on, what her dreams were, what her sorrows were... Sango knew it all, as she knew all of Sango’s. Miroku was like a brother to her. An older, perverted brother, who was wise beyond his years.  He told it like it was but always added a hint of humor to soften the blow. Shippo, a little brother almost make-shift child who reminded her of her actual brother Sota.  Young and hopeful about the future and willing to do anything to help. They had moved on with their lives as it appeared Sango and Miroku had three children in the span she was away.

Kagome stepped hesitantly out of Inuyasha’s embrace to face them more and he released her without a fight. She gave him a quick smile and he nodded in return. Her face lit up for the first time in one-thousand ninety-five days and ran towards them in the biggest smile she ever formed. 

I’m back!!!

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After embracing each of them and learning the names of their children (Ayumi, Suzuki, and Komori) and briefly enlightening Kagome on what had been going on for the time she was in her era such as Shippo going through the fox demon trials, their marriage, the birth of their children, and other minor details, they decided to make their way to the village.  Miroku handed Ayumi to Sango and crushed Shippo to stay on his shoulder with a little defiance but was easily swayed with a look of the monk that sent shivers down Shippo’s spine.  Kagome turned to Inuyasha with a soft smile.  She wanted to be able to talk to him. To make sure everything wasn’t all made up in her head.  She jumped into the well without hesitation, deathly positive of her decision.  There was no going back now.  But now that she was here, she was nervous. He took two steps to be next to her as the others started their trek back toward the village and offered her a hand with a smile. 

Her breath got caught and her face lit up with the smile he loved so much and she took his hand happily and they began to walk side by side gazing into each others eyes.

Miroku peered back carefully trying not to get caught. He smiled softly and held in a chuckle and nudged his wife with a subtle tilt of his head back toward them and turned Shippo’s head as he was still complaining about not being able to walk Kagome which stopped as he caught sight of the two. Fingers interlaced, Inuyasha’s soft smile, Kagome’s bright glowing eyes and shining teeth, their arms brushing up against each... It was like they didn’t exist in front of them.  Shippo turned back facing forward on Miroku’s shoulder with a blush while Sango giggled slightly. 

“Thank God,” she said quietly to her husband hopefully Inuyasha wouldn’t be able to hear. Although, she was pretty sure he probably could but was so distracted he wouldn’t pick up on it.

They made it to the village and Sango and Miroku said some quick goodbyes inviting them over for dinner later. They made the excuse they had laundry to finish attending to while it was still light out and that if Kagome needed a place to stay she was more than welcome to stay there with Inuyasha if she liked.  They proposed Inuyasha to visit Kaede and give her and Rin the good news of Kagome’s return.  They turned to head back to their hut on the far west side of the village, Miroku’s firm grip on Shippo to ensure they wouldn’t be bothered just yet.

Kagome looked at them leaving with a smile and Inuyasha looked slightly confused at their sudden departure but was also kind of relieved to be able to have a few moments alone with Kagome before they visited the old woman’s house.  He turned to her mouth open only to see she was about to say something to him too.  Both their eyes widen and said they were sorry and for the other to speak first.  Then Kagome laughed at their struggle they were clearly having. Her musical sweet laughter. He could listen to it all day.

“What were you going to say Inuyasha?” She looked up at him still interlocked with his fingers.

“Uhm... later, before we go to their place for dinner... can we just--uh--”

“Talk?” She said lips curved upward.  Big brown caramel eyes pouring into his amber.

“Y-yea. If that’s okay.” He was slightly blushing now.  He had three years, three years, to figure out how to say he loves her.  Three of the longest years of his two hundred year life span and he was still stuttering like an idiot. But God, those big beautiful eyes stared into his soul and he got so lost he wasn’t even sure he could form a sentence. 

“Of course, Inuyasha. I’d love that. I was about to ask you the same thing, actually.” She giggled taking her other hand and holding it over her mouth to try and contain her laughter closing her eyes happily.  She then opened her eyes and looked nervous taking her lower lip to bite down. She wanted to show him what their talk would be about... She knew he knew. Him asking her to talk privately was all the courage she needed to let go of her bottom lip.  It wasn’t in my head after all... She hesitantly stood on her tip toes and leaned in and kissed him on the cheek.  

His eyes widen. He froze. Fuck it, this is happening now. Talk later, take action now.  He was always better at making his actions speak for him than being able to actually convey his feelings into words. Before she could lower herself off her toes, he caught her cheek with his right hand what wasn’t interlaced with hers and gave her a real kiss on the lips releasing her hand he was holding and pulled her in closer by placing it on the small of her back and squeezing his eyes shut hoping to God this wouldn’t get him sat or that he misread things.

Her eyes widen and she gasped softly. Her eyes filled with happy tears which poured out as she squeezed her eyes shut and threw her arms around his neck to keep herself pulled up and keep him down at her level.

They’d kissed two times before. Once at Kaguya’s castle out of desperation to keep Inuyasha from transforming forever and obeying the likes of the fake celestial maiden. Praying he wanted to stay with her rather than him becoming a full fledged demon right then, Kagome at thrown herself at him. It had worked and he had kissed her back but it almost felt like it was more out of obligation.  The embrace after was more intimate than the actual kiss-- while the kiss was made out of genuine love and trust he wouldn’t hurt her and she thought it would pull him back to the surface, it was timid and short-lived as they were still in the heat of battle. They never spoke of it after; they were both too embarrassed to admit their feelings regarding each other and the incident that took place. Their second kiss was of relief and hope when he appeared literally out of nowhere to rescue her from the darkness that the jewel had imprisoned her in for three full days. That kiss was more intimate. Desperate to convey their feelings they had for each other without actually voicing them while they were in a stand-off with the jewel. They weren't able to address exactly what happened after as they were separated by five-hundred years. This kiss... was everything Kagome ever dreamed. It was needy, greedy, loving, and if possible, time stopping. They lips moved in sync with each others. Exploring. Memorizing. It said everything he wanted to tell her, and everything she was going to say later...

“Lord Inuyasha?” A young girls voice chimed from behind him.

He broke the kiss a part from Kagome and turned around to see who was addressing him lowering the hand that was on her cheek to around her waist where his other arm was still holding her against him. Kagome opened her eyes still kind lost in the moment and daze of lust, slowly lowered her arms to his shoulders and peered down and around his arm to see who was speaking to him as well.

“Rin!” Kagome gasped in surprised eyes widening. “Wh-what are you doing here??”

“Lady Kagome!! I could ask the same of you!” She giggled and then bowed.  She straightened back up and winked mischievously, "I was wondering who finally caught the eye of Lord Inuyasha.  He has been most melancholy since your shocking and immediate departure when Naraku was destroyed. I never thought he'd move on. I guess technically he didn't,” she raised her eyebrows with a smirk on her face.

“Rin...” Inuyasha sighed, “nosy as ever you little pipsqueak”. 

Rin giggled again. "Lady Kagome, it's so great you have returned! You were extremely missed!"

"Thank you, Rin. I missed everyone too. It's good to be back," Kagome turned back to Inuyasha smiling sweetly. He redirected his gaze back to her and smiled an apology of sorts that the runt interrupted them.

"Are you on your way to see Lady Kaede? I'm sure she'll be so happy you've returned as well! I was heading back there myself if you'd care to join me in my walk?"

"Yea, yea, we'll follow you pipsqueak," Inuyasha grunted in defeat.

"That's Lady Pipsqueak to you, Lord Inuyasha," Rin laughed at her own joke so hard she almost tripped when she started to pass them. "Well come on, you can do lovey-dovey adult stuff later when you're alone, not standing in the middle of a busy road of the village." She turned around to tease them winking wickedly before leading the way to Kaede's hut.

Kagome turned bright red, at least five shades darker than her pink sweater she had on. She probably matched Inuyasha kimono. She felt like steam was escaping her ears like she was a tea kettle about to boil over from how embarrassed she was by the young girl's comment.

Inuyasha just shook his head taking an arm off of Kagome's back and put on his head. "That girl has a mouth on her. Come on, before she says anything else that she use against me later." He removed his other hand from her waist and interlaced their hands again.

On their way to Kaede's, he explained that Rin was learning how to live with humans so once she came of age she could decide for herself if she wanted to return to Sesshomaru or if she wanted to lead a more normal life in the village. Rin interjected a few comments of her own about her feelings on the matter but ultimately would do what her Lord asked of her for the time being.  He also explained how they bonded since she is quite the spit fire and enjoys peace and quiet like he did...even though she always seemed to be talking when they were trying to enjoy silence away from everyone else.

“Hahaha, oh Lord Inuyasha, you know I just like to ruffle your fur.  You make it too easy,” she said laughing, smacking him lightly on his left arm as she crossed in front of him to the hut pulling the screen back for them to enter. “Lady Kaede! Look who I found while I was out!”

“Aye Rin, who is it now?” Kaede had her back to the screen and wash brushing off herbs.

“See for yourself, old hag,” Inuyasha said with a jab of humor.

Kaede hadn’t recognized that tone from him in years.  Since Kagome’s departure.  He hadn’t joked or been cheery about much.  She turned around and was stunned to see who stood before her in a pink sweater, short navy skirt, long wavy hair, and bright brown eyes full of excitement.

“Ka-Kagome! You’ve returned!”

“It’s nice to see you Kaede,” Kagome walked from Inuyasha dropping his hand to meet Kaede who rose from her sitting position to give her a warm hug. 

“H-how? When? Are ye able to travel back and forth to your era again? It’s so good to see ye again.”

“Uhm...Hehehe,” Kagome scratched the back of her head bashfully realizing no one else (including Inuyasha) had asked her yet. “I think this was a one-way trip actually. It hasn’t worked on my side either until today.  Not sure how it happened, but one moment I was praying by it and the next I was able to see the sky.”

Inuyasha, Rin, and Kaede were then floored. Their eyes wide mouths slightly agape. She had left her era, her home, to return here. Forever. Inuyasha’s face grew concern not realizing everything she had given up to cross over.  To come back to him.  She literally threw her life away for him...

“Aw! How romantic! You came back to be with Lord Inuyasha?! Oh my Gosh, isn’t that the sweetest thing ever?? So when are you guys going to get married and move in together?? Oh my Gosh, what about babies?! And---mmmmph” Rin looked from Kagome to Inuyasha dazzling at the love story unfolding in front of her while Inuyasha, now fully annoyed and embarrassed, grabbed Rin by the mouth while he blushed hard on his cheeks.

“Please. Stop. Talking.” He said completely exasperated by her rambling shaking her from side to side to maybe settle her down.

Kagome who was also now red again, thanks to the small thirteen year old child, was starting to let everything she said soak in realizing maybe the implications of her being here were going to be a lot for them to swallow.  They had only just expressed they cared about each other a year ago. 

Kaede cleared her throat catching everyone’s attention. “Rin, why don’t ye go check on young Komori and Sango.  They are due for their checkups.”

“Right!” Rin jumped out of Inuyasha’s grasp and bowed before running out of the hut.

Kagome and Inuyasha both sighed in relief the young talkative girl had left them for the moment.

“Pay her no mind.  She is young and still doesn’t understand those things need to be talked about between the two of ye before making plans with everyone else... Kagome. Ye are welcome to stay here until that has been resolved. Ye are also welcome to re-start your priestess training if ye desire to continue.  These bones are growing old and I will likely be needing someone to take my place in the up-coming seasons.” Kaede sat back down in front of the fire.

“Oh Kaede, yes! That would be wonderful! Thank you! When do I start?”

“Dawn tomorrow.  Why don’t ye and Inuyasha go discuss what your return means for the two of ye?” Kaede said raising an eyebrow with a hidden smirk.

Inuyasha grabbed Kagome by the arm and lead her out before she could say anything else scoffing and making incoherent sounds that weren’t actually words. Kagome couldn’t believe the amount of meddling they’ve been through in the last ten minutes. It was enough to last a life time.  She didn’t think she’d ever been asked so many questions before aside from her school friends...

Before she knew it, they were in front of Inuyasha’s usual “sulking tree” as she referred to it.  The one she found him on the night she met Sesshomaru, the one she’d sat him from to take care of his injuries after the battle with Yura, the one he came to when he needed privacy... the one he brought her up to sit on when he admitted he wasn’t strong enough and had a ways to go in order to be able to protect her.

He looked around and then picked her up and jumped up to his usual branch and rested her down to sit next to him. Talk about deja vu.

“Sigh...finally. A moment to ourselves. Everyone is so nosy and always in my business!” He gruffed.

Kagome giggled at his annoyance. “It just means they care, Inuyasha.”

“...” He looked at her to his left trying to gauge how to steer the conversation to confirm what she had said earlier. “So... is it true?”

“Hm? Is what true?”

“That... you can’t go back to your home?”

Kagome’s smile fell a little and she looked downward. “Yea... even if it wasn’t... I don’t think I’d ever want to risk not being able to return again.” She turned back to him with a look of longing and placed her right hand on his arm. “Inuyasha... These three years... the were the longest and hardest of my life. I tried so hard to move on... I did everything I could to forget and move on. Months had passed and no matter what I tried spiritually or forcefully, the well wouldn’t open.

“I thought you would come get me... like you did when I was lost in the darkness. But even that became wishful thinking. Moving on seemed like my only option. But, haha, I couldn’t even do that right. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. When the well reopened today, I didn’t even think twice. I almost jumped before goodbye to my mother... I honestly didn’t even think about what my choice would do to you. I just knew I wanted to be here with you. I couldn’t go another day without seeing you again... I’m sorry if that puts you in an uncomfortable position. But--” Inuyasha began to open his mouth to say something and she shook her head and grasped his arm firmly. “No--please let me finish. Let me say everything I should have said three years ago before the jewel took us away from each other.”

She scooted herself as close to him as possible turning her body to face him still holding onto his arm for balance. “Inuyasha... I love you. I love you for who you are--whatever you are that day. Demon, human, half... they are all you. I love all your quirks and qualities that make you who you are.  Please...let me stay with you. I want to be with you.”

Inuyasha’s mouth hadn’t closed when she had asked her not cut him off. It stayed agape to her heartfelt confession. Everything he ever needed and wanted someone to tell him... she said. She loved him for who he was.  She didn’t need him to be human to stay with him, she didn’t want to be a full demon to protect her... she wanted him who he was. He already knew Kagome held no prejudice towards him for who and what he was. She never looked at him any differently than she did Koga or Miroku. To her, he was just normal.  There was nothing wrong with him. 

She started to look a little confused as he hadn’t replied to anything she just said and looked like maybe she broke him. “Uhm... Inuyasha? Are you ok?”

He grabbed her faced and crashed his back down on hers the second time that day. She moaned softly into his mouth and hung on to him for dear life. She knew he wasn’t good with words. This was good enough. She could accept this proclamation.  But then he started to pull away before she wanted to start exploring the inside of his mouth with her tongue and gazed at her nervously.

“Ka-Kagome,” he swallowed. “I...I...I love you too.”

She smiled at his confession, catching her breath again. “We can figure the other stuff out later, okay Inuyasha? We have all the time in the world now.” With that she turned back to face the village and rested her head on his shoulder and interlocked arms with him. 

Inuyasha leaned into her and smiled softly. “Yea...Sure.” We do now, don’t we?

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After dinner with Sango, Miroku, Shippo and their children, Inuyasha and Kagome bid them farewell stating she was going to reside with Kaede for the time being while they were getting everything sorted.  She also added it would be easier on her with priestess training that she wouldn’t have to worry about oversleeping with her new sensai not far from her pillow.

When they returned to the hut, Inuyasha pecked kagome on the cheek and jumped away before Rin or the old priestess could pry anything out of him. Kaede offered Kagome a plain white yukata to sleep in and priestess robes for her to start her training in for the morning. She rolled out an extra sleeping mat and laid it by the fire.

“Kagome, I am afraid Rin and I are needed for another young mother who is about to give birth to her second child. We will be staying there tonight. I hope that is good for thee child,” Kaede informed the young girl before helping her get tucked in. Kagome decided she didn’t want to change out of her clothing just yet. She didn’t want to completely immerse herself immediately.  She wanted to make sure people remembered who she is, not who she once was in a previous life. 

“Uh, oh, thank you Kaede. Yes, that should okay. I’ll be fine, I’m exhausted anyway. Take care” She gave a soft tired smile.  It had been such a long day of reunions, catching up, and digesting a lot of information about her up-coming future. 

After Kaede and Rin had exited the hut, Inuyasha landed on outside the door and entered. Kagome smiled a little more awake at his appearance.  She could sense him not far from them. She thought about the current times she now resides in and how it probably wasn’t “proper” for a man who has shown interest in a woman to share a house at night until they were properly married.  “Decided to sneak in while the priestess is away?” Kagome teased.

“Keh, I’m not scared of the old hag. But I also don’t want rumors flying about you shackin’ up with half-demon out of wedlock the minute you came back.”

“Ohhhh, how would I ever sleep at night,” Kagome rolled her eyes. “You know I don’t care what people think.”

“Clearly; still wearing your too short shirts, hanging out with a no good half-breed like me,” he jousted back sitting near her bed, back against the wall. He took out the Tessaiga and placed in between his legs and folded arms.

“Uhm...”

“What?”

“I-I know this is kind of...improper I guess... and you can totally say no if you’re not comfortable with it, but...” Kagome started to turn bright red again. “W-W-Would you please sleep next to me????” She forced out eyes closed scared of the backlash she might get for asking something so radical and racy for this day and age.

“...Yeah. I’d actually like that a lot.”

Kagome opened her eyes and gasped as he moved the Tessaiga to lay next the sleeping mat and then moved himself to slide in next to her.  She lifted the blanket up for him and then snuggled up to him facing away from him blushing lightly. She couldn’t believe how easy that was to get him to lay next to her.

“Since I am laying next to you... can... I hold you, Kagome?”

“Y-Yes. Please...”

He strewed his left arm underneath her neck and then placed his right around her waist and pulled her in close. All of a sudden, tiredness hit her. She sighed happily and closed her eyes, finally at peace and not struggling to fall asleep. He also was at peace in heart finally and closed his eyes and buried his nose in her hair inhaling the sweet cherry blossom and vanilla scent and faded into sleep as well.

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It was later into the night and storm clouds had rolled in. Thunder was heard and lightening lit the sky frequently.  The rain had not begun to pour yet. Inuyasha remained in a restful sleep still holding Kagome to him, but Kagome was beginning to cringe and flounder softly. She began to sweat from the aniexty of her dreams. She was moaning softly enough to not catch Inuyasha’s attention.  He had grown used to her nightmares anyhow over her math exams she had talked about throughout their year of travel enough to almost tune her out completely unless something sounded out of the norm.

“Kagome... Kagome... Kagome...Open your EYES!”

Kagome’s eyes flew open and she was surrounded by darkness and she gasped.  She looked down to what she was holding and it was her bow from Mount Azusa and she was wearing her old middle school uniform. She looked up and saw the Sacred Jewel with an arrow sticking out of it shining brightly.

“NO!! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! WE WON!! THIS ISN’T REAL!!!” Kagome cried.

“You will never win, Kagome. You were born to become a part of the jewel.”

“That’s a lie! I was born for more than that!”

“Then why are you still here? Why do you keep coming back?”

Kagome was so angry she drew her bow and arrow. As she drew back the Jewel flashed a bright light blinding her.  When she was able to reopen her eyes, she saw demons swarming out of the jewel towards her. She began to unleash arrow after arrow until one demon knocked her bow from her and then turn to devour her.

She screamed unable to fight anymore and squeezed her eyes shut.

“Kagome!!!! Kagome, what’s wrong?! Kagome, wake up!!!!”

“NO, NO, PLEASE STOP!!!!!” she screamed thrashing trying to escape from whatever had hold of her.

“Kagome!!! It’s me! Open your eyes!” Inuyasha pleaded shaking her shoulders. 

Kagome finally opened her eyes, gasping loudly, tears rolling down her cheeks. Inuyasha and her were sitting up with his hands on her shoulders, his hands were gripping her tightly. They were still alone in the hut where she was when they fell asleep. She looked around to get her bearings before she started to relax.

"Oh... I-I'm sorry Inuyasha. I didn't mean to wake you."

"What the hell was that, Kagome? You've had bad dreams before but that was something I've never witnessed."

She closed her eyes and brushed her tears away, trying to calm herself before replying. "Since the jewel locked me in the abyss... I've had the same dream. Being trapped there with it. Unable to break free..."

Inuyasha took her pained and anxious expression. He pulled her close in his arms. He wanted to convey he'd never allow anything to take her from him again with his grasp around her small body.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to find you Kagome... I should have realized it earlier when Naraku’s incarnation cut you with the Meido. Maybe none of this would have happened..."

"Stop. Don't blame yourself. No one knew what the jewel had been planning. No one even knew it had a will of it's own. We're together again, Inuyasha... please."

Inuyasha pushed her back until his face was above hers and grabbed her chin and kissed her fiercely. Kagome took in his hunger and wrapped her arms around his neck and moaned into his lips. God she couldn't get over how amazing this new level of their relationship was. She couldn't wait for more.

Inuyasha pulled back from the kiss placing his hands back on her shoulders, a little out of breath from the lustful kiss they ended up sharing. Kagome following suit on regaining her own air in her lungs.

"Kagome, I want you to live with me. Please, take me as your husband. I'll try to earn you. I'll try to make you the happiest woman in the village if you'll accept me."

"Inuyasha..." His confession and proposal floored her. She almost expected she would have to take the next steps after she purposely drove the conversation on the tree from what she thought was going to make him uncomfortable. Clearly she was mistaken and should have let him do it there and then.

She smiled at him earnestly and accepted, "Yes. I'll be your wife. I'll live with you. But you don't have to earn me. You already have. Please, don't sell yourself short. You deserve happiness and love too. I'll be the happiest girl in Japan as long as I can stay by your side."

She sunk back into his embrace leaning her head on his chest. He moved back to lean against the wall of the hut and wrapped his arms around his now proclaimed woman...his betrothed. 

He could tell she was back on the brink of sleep and just held her to ensure she knew she was safe with him. Hoping maybe this position will keep her nightmares at bay.

His eases twitched at a sound from outside. A familiar roar... he sniffed the air.

Sesshomaru? And... other dog demons with a similar scent to ours...

He didn't think twice about the strange scents since his brother probably knew whoever it was. He didn't know much about his legacy. He never felt like asking and it would have more than likely to start an unnecessary argument between them. He closed his eyes and nuzzled into his fiancee's hair for the second time and let sleep claim him.

‐-----------------------------------------------‐---------------------------------------------------------

Sesshomaru was in full dog demon form. He was chasing around four other Inu’s. He finally caught their attention or they were where they wanted to touch down when they swirled together in a mix of demonic energy towards the ground.

They land in front of Kikyo’s grave. The four stood across from Sesshomaru now in their human forms. Three of the four, kneeled before Sesshomaru. They looked a little younger than him, around Inuyasha’s age span. One had bright silver hair that was tied up in a long pony tail, he wore armor similar to Sesshomaru but his kimono was navy with white accents, another had black hair that was cut to make him look the most human, he wore a dark green kimono and he resembled a prince, and the last one kneeling before him had brown tight curls that laid at his shoulders wearing a bright orange dress with armor platting on his shoulders and breast. The fourth demon was older. Long silver hair cascading down his back to the floor. He has similar armor that of his late father. Eyes piercing gold. His facial markings were different from his father though. They were purple around his neck that traveled up and around his ears. 

“Lord Sesshomaru... I never thought I’d meet my foolish brother’s son. I’ve heard quite the tales of you and your journey for supreme power and conquest over the last few centuries.”

Sesshomaru raised an eye brow, “Brother?”

The oldest demon laughed a hardy belly laugh, “So Inu-Taisho never mentioned his older brother? Probably out of spite. You and I have similar ideals Lord Sesshomaru. The humans are weak and worthless beings. They should be expunged from this world. They are creatures ruled by time. That makes them greedy and insignificant.  Their motivations are only driven by what they can get done in a life-span.  Meanwhile we could rule the world without ever having to worry about death’s call. We can totally eliminate their threat to our kind’s existence. Join me, and we can reconquer these lands from our other brethren, and then the world.

“My sons and I have already conquered the main-land when I was banished by your father , for what he called my radical ideals.  He was weak.  He perished at the hands a human protecting a mortal woman who breed with him a dirty half-breed. We need to make a stand to keep our blood pure. What do you say, Lord Sesshormaru? Nephew? Let us do what your father had no courage to do,” The Great Inu demon stepped around his sons and extended an arm of agreement to other great lord of the west.

“Why would I join the likes of you? My father may have perished, but I have regained his territory. The humans do not bother me or my vassals. There is no purpose in making them a part of my plans to conquer more territory. I agree, they are ruled by time... but that is what makes them weak and futile. Why waste breath on what is already fleeting?” Sesshomaru turned his back on the dog demon. To him it was great insult meaning he was not a worthy opponent or adversary to let your guard down so close.

“I think you should reconsider, Lord Sesshomaru.  I will give you two winters to decide.  When they cherry blossoms begin to bud, I will be back with my sons and an army I don’t think you will want to face... the continent is wide and vast. This an army I don’t think you could have ever dreamed of. Consider this a warning; do not stand in our way.”

“Or I could just finish you right now,” Sesshomaru turned quickly to strike them down with his sword Bakusaiga. But he could swing they were gone. 

“Heed my words Lord Sesshomaru... Two winters and we will return...Give up your claim and join us... Or you will fall.”

Sesshomaru sheathed his sword and looked outward to the village. He could hear Rin’s voice comforting some woman in child-labor not too far from the grave he sword by. Weak and worthless beings, huh? He closed his eyes deep in thought and proceeded down the stairs towards the huts. 

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DONE!!!!!!!! THANK GOD!!!!! PLEASE ENJOY

[whatcouldgowrong-ohthat]

Hurts to be Human Chapter Four

Hey guys! I have 10 days left on my contract, then I’ll have stable wifi where I can update more! Ah!! Can’t wait!!

Warnings for this: Um...I don’t think there are any? I mean, it isn’t edited because really, my wifi sucks. 

Chapter Four — Hustle

“You sure you got this?” Sam’s concern was evident. He watched Y/N eye the flashing lights just past the curtain and knew this was a big step for her. She used to have this sort of thing handled, no problem. But that was then and then was quite a long time ago.  

Bucky didn’t say anything, simply watching her, studying her body language. She was fiddling with her sleeves, crossing her legs and rubbing her calf with her heel.

She wanted to run.

“Of course I do,” she told Sam, giving him that oh-so-dazzling smile. Bucky didn’t believe it. Neither did Sam. Even so, they knew better than to question her about this sort of thing. “Just…don’t go tackling any of them, okay? It would really kill the image I’m trying to build.” Tugging at her sleeves once more, she gave them a thumbs up and walked on stage.

Now came the harder part — trying to convince the press that they were wrong.

“A question, Miss L/N!”

“Miss L/N, we’d like a statement. It would only take a moment of your time.”

“A photo for our article, Miss Y/N?”

“Miss L/N, over here!”

“Miss L/N, did you leaving instigate the reckless behavior that we’ve seen from the Winter Soldier and Sam Wilson?”

Bucky stepped forward, wanting to punch whoever had just asked that. However, Sam caught his arm and pulled him back. He shook his head, keeping silent just in case. Bucky tensed, but took a step back. He was out of his element here. Still, watching Y/N, he wasn’t so sure that she was in  her element.

“Miss L/N!”

“Over here, Miss L/N!”

“Miss L/N!”

“Enough.” The one word found its way from the microphone, echoing through the speakers. It held an authority that could only be learned from the late Tony Stark. Squaring her shoulders, Y/N took a slow breath and allowed her back to finally relax. Her closed eyes finally opened and she shifted her gaze, trying to find a face. She was blinded by the darkened room, the bright lights from flashing cameras, and her ears were practically ringing with the sound of her own name. It was too much.

No wonder the boys hated doing these things.

Smoothing out her blazer, Y/N then tucked a stray strand of hair back into place. She looked put together, like someone that had worked alongside Pepper Potts for years. Her resume, her experience, was starting to show. She glanced off stage, at the pair that waited for her. It was debated whether they should have initially joined her and now she was just glad she had stuck to her initial guns. Bucky would have been slaughtered. Sam would have reacted. No good would have come from something neither man was ready for.

Turning to look back at her audience, Y/N offered one of those picture perfect smiles that Tony called “The Stark”. Honestly, it was just a version of the “Blue Steel” that worked for the press. Nothing too special. 

“All of you have questions and I understand that. I will hopefully get the opportunity to answer each of them in a way I see fit, but I mean, a girl’s got to eat and sleep. We aren’t going to spend all day here.” A few chuckles were heard and Y/N knew she could work with this audience. Thank God. Nothing was worse for her than having to crack through the idiocy that was the press. “I’ve already heard one of your questions, so why don’t we start there?” Murmurs, but no arguments. 

Good.

Something Tony had taught her a long time ago — working with the press was like a dance.

If you didn’t want to be led off the dance floor, you had to have the balls to lead.

“There are two parts to my answer regarding Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson. One…” A deep breath and a glance at a concerned Bucky had Y/N feeling like she had to speak up, she had to voice the complete truth. “Bucky and I were friends before we dated. I know more about him than anyone else in this room. I know his weaknesses, his strengths…I’ve seen what makes him angry, happy, and sad. I’ve seen him at his weakest moments and he has seen me in mine. That being said, my leaving was because of personal reasons. James Buchanan Barnes, or Bucky as he insists on being called, is human. He is a man who has worked through his own trauma and fought to make up for past mistakes. This isn’t a man who would allow any woman to influence his behavior. He’s too careful.”

Another deep breath and it gave her a moment to hear the scribbling of her words, the snapping of a few cameras, the murmurs of people who agreed or disagreed. Which opinion? She wasn’t sure yet. “As for their behavior — these men have dedicated their lives, their time, to protecting us. Protecting and saving people isn’t an easy job. Look at the military, the police, or even doctors. Look at any field that involves this sort of lifestyle. There is damage involved. Lives are often lost. The only reason Mr. Barnes and Mr. Wilson are being so heavily judged is because they have taken up the role of “superheroes”.”

There was silence. A hand rose, followed by a tall woman. She was slim in face and body, blonde hair pulled into a neat bun. Y/N recognized her as the woman who had called out Tony all those years ago. What could she possibly want? “Yes?”

“Miss L/N, there is proof in the media that these men have cost lives, jobs — families have been torn apart.”

“I still haven’t heard your question.”

The blonde huffed, not appreciating the hint of snark biting just behind the words. “Why don’t we leave these ‘missions’ to the actual professionals? These officers, doctors, military men that you previously mentioned?”

Y/N smirked, raising an eyebrow. “How much do you know about either of these men?” Silence. She looked out at the crowd, seriously curious as to just what these people knew. “What do any of you know about the two men that are today’s topic? Please, enlighten me.” Comments regarding the Winter Soldier were brought up. Others spoke up about Sam trying to replace Steve. Y/N laughed softly, shaking her head. A light flashed from another camera as she tried to find the right words.

“You know, I wasn’t even supposed to be here. Sharon Carter was, but she was called away. Something that was a little higher on the priority list, you know?” A couple chuckles. Not as many as before. Clearing her throat, Y/N said, “I think I’m starting to understand why they decided I was the next option. See, both of these men have a military background. Barnes was part of the Howling Commandos, fighting alongside Captain America before it had been believed that he’d lost his life on a mission. The truth was that he became the longest known prisoner of war. It took twenty years for HYDRA to gain any sort of traction in creating the ‘Winter Soldier’ that all of you have come to know him as. In fact, if a few of you walked into a museum or library instead of relying on the internet, you might learn a little more of the older information that is connected to Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes. He carries more guilt for his past than any person I’ve ever met. He was tortured by an elite terrorist organization and I constantly find myself in awe that the emotional torment he puts himself through seems to one-up everything they tried to do to him.”

“As for Sam Wilson…” Y/N glanced back at her friend and he nodded, silently allowing her to speak about anything involving him. This was her playing field and he was a chess piece. He needed to cooperate. Looking back at the audience, Y/N said, “Sam was part of an elite group of military men that allowed him to have the wings that had given him the moniker ‘Falcon’. He lost his partner in the field, worked with the VA to help veterans work through their trauma, befriended Captain America, and worked alongside him in taking down HYDRA and finding Barnes. A direct quote from the man is, “I do everything Steve does, just slower.” And as someone who has lived with the Avengers, I can assure you that this statement is very much true. With that being said, Sam still sees himself as the Falcon. He was passed on the shield, nothing more.”

There was silence, a level of tension in the room that made it clear that opinions were divided. She had swayed some successfully while others remained rooted in their judgement. Y/N wanted to say more. She wanted to pour her heart and soul out and defend the men that stood just to the side. They were good men, good people that just wanted to help. But she knew if she kept pushing, insisting that she knew best, she’d turn them completely against her. Instead, she finished her answer with the simplest statement that she could muster. “There are no better professionals to trust in situations like these. Does that answer your question?”

Bucky and Sam watched in awe. There were no words to express their gratitude because neither of them had ever expected to hear her say such things. She painted them as heroes. For the first time since Thanos, they felt as if they were stepping out of Steve’s shadow. She had painted them in a light similar to that of Tony…Natasha…Steve…

And she meant every word.

“Bucky,” Sam murmured, clearing his voice to hide the fact that he was trying not to tear up.

“What, Birdbrain?” Blue eyes shimmered with unshed tears as Bucky kept his gaze focused intently on her. She was talking, answering another question it looked like. Why did Sam have to talk when he could be listening to her?

“If you don’t break through that thick skull of hers and win her back, I’ll swoop in and date her myself.”

———

The rest of the conference passed by with little problems. A few attempted to pull Y/N into an argument, needing the drama to paint the picture in their light. They had stories to try and sell and were attempting to get any piece of juicy drama they could. But Y/N had been trained well and it seemed, even after all this time, she still had a knack for dealing with the press.

That being said, Sharon Carter owed her big time. 

Y/N fell onto her bed, landing on her back and kicking her heels off. She heard the resounding thud of them landing across the room and considered that those monstrous contraptions were better off far away from her. She didn’t understand how Pepper or Natasha had done it. Wearing heels 24/7 was a punishment.

Maybe they were into that sort of thing?

Y/N snorted and sat up, slipping off her blazer and tossing it onto her desk chair before laying down. She could hang it up later. Right now, her body wanted the bed. People were more exhausting than any mission— at least in her opinion. Her legs hung off the edge of the bed, the balls of her feet rubbing against the fluffy carpet and her toes curling in satisfaction. Stark definitely spent good money on this place.

“Meow.”

Y/N giggled as the familiar feel of fur and a tail ran along her calf. H.D. was not happy that she had been gone all day. The feline pounced, landing on the bed before making her way up to Y/N’s cheek. She curled up in the crook of her neck, soft purrs eventually erupting and making her owner giggle. “Someone’s being cuddly today,” she muttered, earning a “meow” as if telling her to shut up. Shaking her head, she started unbuttoning her blouse to reveal a simple white tank top underneath. What would be absolutely perfect right now was lazy clothes, a book, a hot cup of tea, and H.D. curled up on her shoulder. That was the goal. “Give me a sec, twerp.”

Sitting up, Y/N unzipped her pencil skirt and let it fall to her feet before stepping out of it. She stifled a yawn and walked to her dresser. Ruffling through her pajama drawer, she successfully found her Wolverine sweats and slipped them on. She stretched and twisted her body, a loud yawn echoing in the silent room.

“That’s different.”

Y/N jumped, spinning around to see Sam Wilson standing in her doorway. His arms were crossed, same smirk as always, and an amused glint in his eye. 

“Yawning? Pretty sure that’s a normal body function, Wilson,” she teased, smirking as she closed the dresser drawer.

“I meant the tattoo on your thigh. Pretty sure you didn’t have that a few years ago.”

Y/N’s eyes grew and her jaw slacked as she spun to face him again. “How long were you standing there like some sort of creep?”

Sam laughed, leaning against the doorframe as she placed her hands on her hips. Y/N always tried to be intimidating, but in Wolverine sweatpants and after her little “tired child” performance, he couldn’t take it seriously. “Long enough and believe me, I plan on using every second to piss Barnes off.”

“Please don’t. I’m supposed to be keeping you two in line, remember? Why not make my job easy for a change?”

“‘Cause then you’d be bored and you’d hate it.” His answer was simple and, sadly, the truth. Y/N couldn’t stand being bored. Not here at least, not home.

Wait, home?

No. This place couldn’t be home to her. She’d finish her mission and be back in her small town before too long. That was supposed to be her home. That was where she had been living, surviving, making friends. 

It was where she healed, where she found herself again.

“Hello, earth to Y/N.”

Shaking her head, Y/N pulled herself from her thoughts and frowned when she saw Sam was grinning. “What, thinking about a jealous Bucky?”

Y/N rolled her eyes and walked to her closet, grabbing one of her jackets. It was grey, frayed at the edges with holes in the sleeves for her thumbs. Slipping it on, she zipped it up a bit and pulled her hair out of the bun it had been in. She ran her fingers through it, needing to free the strands from the stiff and sticky feeling of hairspray. “I don’t look at Bucky like that anymore, Sam. We’re trying the friends thing, remember?”

“And how’s that going?”

Y/N paused, her mind drifting to the past couple weeks. When she’d made the initial agreement with Bucky, she had forgotten how sweet he could be. She’d forgotten how easy it was to laugh with him and how his fascination with the little things made her heart beat so fast. It didn’t help that every freaking morning he came back from his morning workouts wearing nothing, but loose sweats and one of those thin tank-tops. He’d gotten more confident in his arm, something she hadn’t seen before.

“Mhm, there’s no hiding that smile from me.”

She jerked, the small smile vanishing as a faint blush tinted her cheeks. “Sam, drop it.”

“I’m not pushing, Y/N. Actually, I…I wasn’t so sure you coming back was a good idea.”

“Yeah.” She chuckled. “You and me both.”

Sam smiled. “I always thought you were a badass and good at your job, but seeing what happened with you and Bucky…it was a lot. And seeing him after you left?” Y/N frowned, shoving her hands in her jacket pockets as she let Sam speak. “There was a while when he hit a real low before we ever saw him get better. I think he was under the impression that you’d still be around even if you two broke up. And when you weren’t…”

“Why are you telling me this, Sam? I’m really not the kind of person that keeps looking to the past.”

“Neither am I,” Sam reminded her. “I just think that you and Bucky…there’s something there. And if you two are going to try this friends thing, you need to be realistic about it.”

Y/N took a slow breath. This was heavy. It was information she wasn’t sure she wanted to know. She at least knew she wasn’t ready for it. “What, don’t think we can handle being friends?” It was a joke, an opportunity to lighten the mood. All she wanted was for him to joke back, to move forward.

“No, I don’t.”

“Thanks, Sam. Appreciate the honesty,” she muttered bitterly.

“When we first met, you asked me to always give it to you straight. Actually, you ordered me to. So that’s what I’m doing.”

“Funny, I don’t recall asking your opinion on this particular topic, Sam.”

“No, but you need to hear it before you get in way over your head.” Sam stepped forward, glancing back to make sure Bucky wasn’t down the hall eavesdropping. Closing the door, he turned to face her fully. “What you said at the press conference meant a lot to both of us. We never expected you to stick your neck out. We would never ask you to defend us like that.” She opened her mouth to argue, like she always did, but Sam held up a hand. “But you did. And that means something to me. It means something to Bucky too.”

“I was doing my job.”

“You were speaking from the heart.”

“Are you trying to play matchmaker or telling me to give Bucky distance? Because I’m getting some serious mixed signals.”

“I’m telling you to be as honest with yourself as you were with the press today.”

“I am.”

“Bullshit.”

Y/N glared at him, fists clenching in her pockets. “What the hell, Sam? You haven’t talked to me in years. Who are you to say you know what I’m going through with my emotions?”

The intercom beeped, but neither pulled their gaze from the other. Friday’s voice greeted them with a simple, “Agent Y/L/N, Mr. Wilson —“

“Not now, Friday,” Sam said, eyes never leaving Y/N.

“Normally I would agree,” Friday admitted. “But Agent Carter is calling for an emergency meeting in the conference room.”

Y/N groaned, pulling her hair into a ponytail to hide the rat’s nest she currently had. Walking around Sam, she opened the door and gestured for him to walk first. “Ladies first, please,” she snapped, earning a roll of the eyes and annoyed grunt. However, he led the way and she quickly shut the door behind her.

It took no time for either of them to come across the conference room. Inside, Bucky was standing near the window, watching the screen facing away from them. Sitting down, Sharon Carter watched them through the glass. The two rounded the corner and came inside, eyes landing on the screen as the blonde Y/N had recognized said, “‘I’ve seen him at his weakest moments and he has seen me in mine. This isn’t a man who would allow just any woman to influence his behavior.’” Y/N clenched her jaw as the reporter put influence on the word “just”, making her statement sound like the exact opposite she had intended. “It seems Miss Y/L/N knew the influence she had on the Winter Soldier and left anyway.” The screen cut to images of Bucky years ago, when Y/N had first left. The paparazzi had gotten photos and videos of him with the long hair, cold demeanor, and the way he fought…It was definitely not a good light to paint him in. “Her selfish actions have led to the Winter Soldier’s lack of emotional empathy and a complete disregard for the wellbeing of those we are told he’s attempting to protect. Is this the sort of man we want to call an “Avenger”? Is this someone we can trust with our lives? Our loved ones? How much trust can we put in a man who is so easily influenced? Miss Y/L/N goes on to say that she ‘is in awe of him’. Is there still an emotional tie there? Could Miss Y/L/N influence the Winter Soldier even further and leave us left with the outcome from an immature, toxic romance? More information coming to you tonight at six.”

Bucky glanced at Y/N, his weak smile the only way he could try to reassure her. He didn’t blame her. The media? The press? They wanted their story. They were willing to do whatever they could as a means to get it. Even if it meant adding one word. He could tell by the way her hands were clenched, her jaw set, that she wanted nothing more than to give the reporter a piece of her mind. She was livid.

“Congrats, Y/N. It seems you got all of New York thinking there’s still something between you and Barnes,” Sam teased.

Sharon turned off the tv and rose, glancing from one to the other around the room. It seemed no one knew what to say. Sharon had been the one that was supposed to speak, but she had to leave. That meant Y/N had to step up. And she did, but it seemed her speaking abilities and ways of handling the press were more than a bit rusty. “Want to tell me what happened?” Sharon asked, raising an eyebrow.

“The reporter influenced what Y/N said, Sharon. She never made it sound like —“

“I know, Bucky. I know.” Sharon glanced at him as he shifted his gaze to the ground. “I’m not blaming you in this particular situation.”

Y/N crossed her arms. “No, I know exactly who to blame. That reporter is vile. She’s the same one who called Stark a merchant of death.”

“Yes, but that was back when he kinda was,” Sharon reminded her.

“But Bucky isn’t influenced by me. Hell, he was doing his job just like Sam! The only reason they’re attempting to target him is because he’s the Winter Soldier.”

“Exactly. Bucky’s information, what we choose to tell, has to be taken with extreme precautions. We can’t go spouting out our opinions and expect everyone to believe them, Y/L/N.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“I think you might’ve forgotten it.”

Y/N clenched her jaw, fingers flexing. “That reporter hustled me, Sharon. That’s what they do. She’s picking and choosing what she wants to tell.”

“It’s their job.”

“So this is my fault?”

“You’re out of practice, Y/L/N. It was my fault to ask you to go.”

“She did a good job,” Sam argued with Sharon, earning her attention. “Honestly, if it hadn’t been for that particular woman, this would have been a success.”

“Perhaps, but she was there. This isn’t really a grey sort of situation, Sam. I wish it was.”

The glass door shut, earning everyones attention as Y/N left the room. Sharon huffed, leaning against the table. She hadn’t expected Y/N to storm out of here. In the past, she never would have. She would have kept her emotions bottled up. She would’ve been professional. “I’ve never seen her leave like that.”

“She knows she didn’t do anything wrong,” Bucky told her. “Y/N spoke with conviction and honesty. She made us look like actual heroes and it didn’t take any lying. Sharon, that reporter took two sentences Y/N said from two different answers.”

“ And neither answer was short,” Sam agreed, nodding to Bucky.

“Y/N used to take whatever crap Steve and Tony gave her because it was part of the job. Listening and taking orders, it’s what agents are supposed to do. But she’s been out of the field, living for herself for a while. If she knows she’s in the right, I don’t see her sticking around until she believes she’s in the wrong.”

Sharon sighed softly, running a hand through her hair. She was silent for a moment before asking, “Go check on her?”

Bucky nodded, making his way to the door only to be caught by Sam. He raised an eyebrow, curious what the guy could want. “Gonna let go?”

“Ask about her tattoo. It’ll make her laugh.”

Bucky frowned. Tattoo? Since when did Y/N have one of those? “Uh…okay?”

“It’s on her thigh. Really simple. Tasteful too,” Sam said as he started pushing Bucky to the door. His bewilderment and confusion lasted only for a few more moments before he realized what Sam was implying.

“Wilson!” Bucky spun around as the glass slammed and Sam locked the door. “Open the door, birdbrain!” 

Sam looked confused, gesturing to the door then his ear. “Can’t hear you,” came his muffled response.

Bucky glared at him. “You’re so full of shit.” Glancing at Sharon, he took a step closer to the door and told Sam, “Can’t hide with her forever.”

Sam grinned. “Watch me. Now go on, old man. Not every day you get a chance to see that kind of artwork.”

Bucky hit the glass with his flesh fist, still earning a jump from his partner. The reaction made him smile before he made his way back to Y/N’s room. Time to check in on his friend…and see what exactly Sam was talking about when it came to this tattoo.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 158: Deku VS Overhaul ~Conclusion~

Previously on BNHA: Eri escaped Overhaul and leaped into Deku’s waiting arms. Before Overhaul could grab them, Deku instinctively activated 100% OFA in his legs and leaped to safety on the surface. Back in the Pit of Despair, Nighteye told the others he’d seen Deku’s death in a vision, and he believes they can’t do anything to stop it. Up on the street level, Deku marveled at how all of his wounds were suddenly healed up. But then he collapsed in pain feeling like his body was being “pulled apart from the inside.” Overhaul reappeared, having merged himself with a new minion, and explained that Eri’s quirk gives her the power to “rewind” humans, reverting them back to a previous state. Depending on how she uses it, she can even rewind them back to nothingness. He made it out to be some cursed thing, but Deku was all “8D” and realized he was carrying a full-HP-restored-and-all-status-ailments-cured healer who was currently using her quirk uncontrollably, unable to turn it off. So he literally fucking strapped her to his back with Mirio’s cape, and activated 100% One for All Full Cowl.

Today on BnHA: We say goodbye to volume 17 and usher in the new era of volume 18. Overhaul monologues a bunch about quirks and mutations and disease and blah blah blah. He says brats like Deku can’t appreciate Eri’s value and the power of her quirk. Meanwhile Togawice watch from a safe distance, and Ochako floats Nighteye up to get him some medical help. Overhaul has more flashbacks about how the Comatose Boss (back before he was comatose) told him to stop selling quirk drugs and not to stray from the right path. Of course, as we all know, he didn’t listen, wanting to restore the yakuza to their former glory by starting a drug war and supplying both sides. It’s arguably implied here that Overhaul may be the one who put the Comatose Boss in his coma, but Horikoshi is very vague about it. At any rate, back in the present day Overhaul continues to rant at Deku, but Deku has fucking All Might power now, and he just. Beats the everloving shit out of him. Like, it takes about four pages. Holy shit. And just like that, this battle is finally over.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 187 now, so any ETAs will reflect that.)

WE’RE DONE WITH THE PREVIOUS VOLUME OH MY GOD. WE’RE ON TO A NEW VOLUME. A NEW VOLUME WHICH WILL FINALLY INCLUDE A NEW FUCKING ARC AT LONG LAST. SOMEBODY HOLD ME

IF KACCHAN ISN’T ON THE CHARACTER PAGE, I WILL FUCKING FLY TO JAPAN AND FIND OUT WHERE HORIKOSHI IS KEEPING MY BOY HOSTAGE AND SAVE HIM MYSELF

HERE WE GOOOO

ooooohhhhh

(ETA: I recall reading in an interview somewhere that Horikoshi usually colors the volume covers in Photoshop, but for this one he felt like doing something different and so he colored it by hand and very much enjoyed it. it looks good!)

somehow I wasn’t picturing this weird mutant Overhaul creature to be red. somehow it makes him look even more like a Zelda boss

100% OFA Deku looks so cool! and his OFA lightning has turned yellow just like All Might’s oh gosh

“a bright future” OH GOD YES PLEASE

THIS TITLE PAGE IS GIVING ME ALL THE FEELS??

NIGHTEYE YOU REALLY ARE GOING TO FUCKING DIE AREN’T YOU. FUCK

MIRIOOOOOO

FUCK THIS STUPID PAGE AND ITS “BACK IN THE GOOD OLD DAYS BEFORE ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPENED” VIBE

(ETA: I HATE IT EVEN MORE NOW!! looking back on it now is giving me the headcanon that Mirio is actually sitting on the bench alone, sometime after this arc, and that’s actually Nighteye’s spirit sitting there, watching over him. I have no idea why my subconscious would choose to come up with a background story for this page that makes me want to cry even more.)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[LEAPS OUT OF MY CHAIR AND POUNDS MY FIST ONTO MY DESK IN TRIUMPH]

(AND I REALLY DID YOU GUYS, AND THEN I THUMPED MY FIST ON MY DESK SEVERAL MORE TIMES FOR GOOD MEASURE!!!)

BAKUGOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

AND SHOUTO! AND INASA OH MY GOD, WHAT A PLEASANT SURPRISE. ARE WE FINALLY GOING TO SEE THEIR SPECIAL TRAINING??

(ETA: I love this volume)

AND SEIJI. MR. MEATBALL. SO YOU’RE STILL AROUND. YOU DIDN’T MAKE IT PAST THE FIRST ROUND, SO I’M VERY SURPRISED THEY APPARENTLY ALLOWED YOU TO TAKE THE SPECIAL TRAINING COURSE. BUT I GUESS WE’LL FIND OUT ALL ABOUT THAT

(ETA: Seiji sure has a lot of spare time on his hands huh)

WELL GUESS WHAT, OVERHAUL, THIS ONE PAGE HAS GIVEN ME THE POWER NEEDED TO DEFEAT YOU AND YOUR STUPID ARC ONCE AND FOR ALL. LET’S DO THIS. FOR KACCHAN AND SHOUTO. THE FORGOTTEN CHARACTERS

wow this opening panel is talking about the possible origin of quirks as a fucking virus spread by rats. like if the fucking bubonic plague gave you superpowers

oh no

I did not ask for an Overhaul flashback and I don’t care about him. go ahead and flesh him out if you must, but no amount of backstory can satisfactorily explain why he’s such a fucking creep

Tongue!Overhaul says that neither Deku nor Eri understand the value of Eri’s power

idk man, Deku’s already making some damn good use of it barely two seconds after discovering that it exists

so he’s explaining that her quirk can be used to rewind the mutation that brought quirks about

how come the version Tamaki got shot with only did this temporarily, though? does this mean the effect is eventually going to wear off on Deku and he’ll collapse with every last one of his bones shattered and probably die immediately omg

also would it then be possible to undo what happened to Mirio? or does the quirk not work on itself? goddammit

and in theory this could potentially even be used for creepy necromancy purposes. ohhhh man

(ETA: and also I’m telling you, the more I think about it, the more I’m becoming convinced that this is the quirk which will eventually bring All for One back to power. eventually someone is going to make the mistake of letting AFO come into contact with Overhaul over in Tartarus, and once that happens, things are going to go downhill fast.)

ironically, this actually seems like the most narrow-minded view of Eri’s quirk possible. most people would look at Eri’s quirk and immediately identify it as a healing quirk. the fact that he turned it into a destructive quirk tells you all you need to know about the kind of person he is right there

also, those buildings he’s casually smashing just so happen to have people in them omg

why would they not have evacuated by this point. there was a fight going on between a dragon and a giant villain for a full 20 minutes. for that matter, you’d think that local heroes would have eventually stepped in at some point. that’s plenty of time for backup to have arrived, and it should have been abundantly clear by that point that they needed it. so much about this doesn’t make any damn sense smh

(ETA: I think later on they confirm that there were only a handful of civilian injuries, though, and they were only light scratches and stuff. but all that means is that they got lucky goddammit.)

wowwwww Overhaul. wow

I’ll take “most ironic things villains have ever said” for $500, Alex

LOL

AND SO OVERHAUL WAS KICKED INTO SPACE, NEVER TO BE HEARD FROM AGAIN. NOTHING OF VALUE LOST, ETC

Deku’s thinking to himself that Eri’s power is getting stronger and that she doesn’t know how to stop it. “just like the first time I used One for All”

he’s thinking that she basically has her foot stuck on the gas pedal

OH HEY YOU GUYS

is he “Deku” now? no more Izuku-kun or -chan or whatever?

as for Mr. Compress, he got squished by Ryuukyuu and melted

Ochako’s floating up to the surface with Nighteye in tow. and they were smart enough to avoid removing the spike in his stomach so he doesn’t instantly bleed out

does Nighteye even still have his left arm omg

now we’re flashing back again to the old boss chewing out Overhaul for getting into a fight with some dude and laying him out in critical condition

the boss thinks Overhaul is going behind his back and undertaking some secret venture in the drug business

he says he told Overhaul not to get involved with those drugs. I think that was the flashback we saw some chapters earlier

and he’s again telling him “you must not stray from my path”

why am I starting to get the feeling that the boss never actually got “sick” and that was Overhaul’s doing as well...?

oh my god is he talking to Kurono here

I feel like this is the only person who could plausibly be shipped with him. it doesn’t hurt that at this point he’s literally the last Precept standing

Overhaul’s determined to restore the family back to its former glory

oh here we go. finally the complete master plan

so first they flood the streets with some of the “incomplete products” they have on hand that can temporarily erase quirks

and once people have gotten a taste of that they’ll all be clamoring to purchase the completed product from them at sky-high prices

!!!!!!

SO YOU’RE TELLING ME MIRIO’S QUIRK CAN BE RESTORED OH MY GOD. THERE IS HOPE!

did they actually start to work on that particular serum yet?

anyways, because the boss isn’t A COMPLETE MONSTER, he’s immediately telling him no

you know, this is one of those instances where the time-honored mob tradition of doing away with a troublesome family member before they get even more troublesome would not have gone amiss. just sayin’. in hindsight he probably wishes he had

instead he just told him “if you’re going to disobey our way of thinking then you should just leave”

Overhaul says all he wants to do is repay the boss for taking him in

then why don’t you start by, I don’t know, FUCKING LISTENING TO HIM oh my god

but instead he went behind his back, continued torturing the innocent little girl, and proceeded with his plan

(ETA: okay, so! after much discussion, I have come to agree with the people saying that this scene...

...which I initially took to be Overhaul relenting, followed by the transition from the flashback back to the present, is in fact actually Overhaul making the decision to take his boss out of commission. the fade to black and the startled look on the boss’s face are intended to show that Something Bad is about to happen. and the next panel after that is just Overhaul thinking about how he owes a great debt to the boss, and that if they proceed with his plan, they can restore the family. “look forward to it, Pop.” so yeah, that does make sense.

what still annoys me though is that they don’t explicitly confirm it, even though it’s arguably the key moment in terms of Overhaul’s development into a villain. the series has no problem showing Eri’s torture in way more detail than anyone ever needed or asked for, and yet this key scene merely gets hinted at. it’s basically the thing all of these flashbacks are leading up to, and then they just... don’t show it.

there is one possible reason I can think of for this, which is that this scene is from Overhaul’s perspective, and because he wants to continue thinking of himself as the loyal son who’s doing this all for the sake of his father figure, it makes sense that he would censor his own recollection of the incident in order to further convince himself that it was all for the best. but while that explains the vagueness, there are still tons of other ways Horikoshi as the author could have confirmed it for us. for instance he could have showed it from Kurono’s perspective instead. or hell, just confirm it with a simple line of dialogue if you have to. but narratively, I think the decision to leave it inconclusive hurts the story by robbing us of the coolest, most dramatic and defining moment of Overhaul’s past.

so idk, I’m still not the biggest fan of this scene. for me, it comes tantalizingly close to being the kind of super dark twist I was hoping for, but then fails to stick the landing. so I’m hoping the anime can improve on this a little bit.)

so now we’re back in the present, and there are a few panels of Overhaul screaming that everyone else is missing the bigger picture, and he’s trying to destroy this world (the word “world” being in quotation marks, so I assume he means society, not the actual world), and that the “fake heroes” who are fixated on their tiny notions of justice need to stay out of his way

boy this is getting tiresome. it’s like someone combined Stain and Overhaul and created... Worse Overhaul

but he really doesn’t stand a chance against a 100% Deku, I think

well, we just had three huge pages of Deku beating the shit out of Overhaul. what do you guys think. climax? are we done at last?

oh my god you guys

;________; WE DID IT

(ETA: this is the quickest Final Battle a 40+ chapter arc has ever had. I’m not complaining, mind. good god am I not complaining)

so Deku punched Nighteye’s vision in the face?? apparently?

I mean, there didn’t even seem to be any point where he was even remotely in danger of dying. so either there’s something coming up, or Nighteye really screwed up on that one

either way it’s not like I mind? holy shit. we’re done? we’re really done?? ARE WE MOVING ON FROM THIS ARC

oh my god you guys. hey google play “We Are the Champions”

hang in there Kacchan and Shouto. we’re coming, lads

no bonus, this volume is pretty skimpy on the omake content honestly. but hey guys, tomorrow our favorite villain with too many hands makes his own long-awaited reappearance! google, when you’re done with this song, get ready to play some AC/DC next. we’re about to embark on the Highway to Hell, baby.

[spirit-of-the-void]

Connor rk800 x Reader (Halloween Party!)

AN: *me reading the notes* glad to see people are just as thirsty for the android as I am, guess I have to make a part two lmao

Summary: An annual Halloween party is being held at the reader’s house for those in the office not stuck working for the best day of the year. Connor, of course, is expected to go and dress up. Just some random Connor x Reader fluff for you all, possible smut next part!

Part 2

“Get a move on, Connor!” Hank called impatiently as he walked toward the ridiculously decorated store front, “Jeez, usually you’re so eager to follow me everywhere!”

Connor sighed, removing himself from the vehicle with an uneasy look at the store. It was a seasonal thing, one that only appeared at the beginning of September and was gone by November first. Skeletons climbed the Halloween related name and various displays were seen in the store front. He knew for a fact that you would have loved to come there and browse--it was a shame you were busy with errands related to the party.

Connor himself saw this task with a grim determination. He desperately wished to not disappoint you. He wanted to meet your standards with this, despite Hank claiming vehemently that there were no standards. This was Connor’s first celebrated Halloween, and he was torn between taking it as seriously as his instinct demanded, or just...having fun with it. He knew you wanted the latter, so he would try to make an effort.

Connor adjusted his tie, a nervous habit, and followed Hank into the Halloween store. They were immediately assaulted with eerie laughing and cackling, lighting flashing from a corner with moving displays. Connor could smell plastic and latex, various chemicals made for flog machines and the facial makeup required for the holiday. He took a moment to scan, noting various “spooky” signs, costumes, and other Halloween-esque trinkets. And candy. Good lord, how much candy did the expect human children to consume in one night?

Hank saw the hesitant look on his face, patting him hard on the back, “How about you try on a few costumes and see which one you want to go with your vampire shit?” When Connor nodded, Hank let out a sigh, “Try not to be so uptight, kid. Have a little fun with it!”

“I will...certainly try,” Connor replied with a tilt of his head, watching as Hank shuffled over to the fake fangs and face makeup, grumbling all the way. Connor himself felt no ill will toward the holiday, but...his nervousness about how he would present himself to you was making it quite challenging. Not that he blamed you, it wasn’t your fault he was so, as Hank put it once, smitten with you. He just...felt things for you, and he wanted to be as mysterious and sexy as you claimed vampires were.

So he thumbed through the clothing racks, looking at costume after costume. He found himself smirking at some, and the more he looked the more he relaxed. He found enjoyment seeing all the ridiculous things people were willing to wear for the thirty first. Fun could be found in this, he decided, in the playing pretend. Werewolves, wizards, naughty nurses...just about naughty everything. If there was an occupation, there was a “naughty” version of it for woman. How very sexist. Although, he did find a very not safe for work male cop outfit, which consisted of only an officers cap, cuffs, and booty shorts. That had him chuckling a bit.

He paused, pulling the outfit off the rack and snapping a quick picture, mentally sending it to your phone with the words, “On a scale of one to ten, how pissed would Gavin be if i sent him this with a note saying ‘ here is your Halloween costume?’”

He had no sooner put the ridiculous article of clothing back when you sent your reply.

‘Connor, sweetie, as funny as that is, i value your life way too much to let you do that lol’

He smiled, enjoying your use of the word “Sweetie” far too much for his own good. Before his inner mechanisms could start overheating he picked out a few things from the rack, heading to the dressing room to try them on. Just as he closed the door to the small room he saw Hank walk up and sit on a nearby stool to wait for him to come out. Connor would happily admit that a few of these costume choices were outright silly, but damn it they wanted him to have fun so he would.

First costume he came out in was the most ridiculous one, and he thoroughly enjoyed Hank’s look of shock and sharp wheeze of a laugh.

“Oh my god, kid,” He sounded like he was choking on his own breath--he coughed quite a few times before continuing, “I would never in a million years let you into polite society looking that stupid.”

Connor smiled crookedly, seeing the bright red fabric of the crab costume in the mirror and shrugging once, “Are you certain, Hank? A vampire crab is quite unique.”

Hank groaned in pure agony, resting his head on his hands, “Connor...”

“You’re sounding a bit crabby, lieutenant, are you sure you’re alright?”

Hank groaned so loudly Connor was sure the whole store heard it.

~ ~ ~

“Oh no, boy-toy must be messaging you.”

You were sitting cross-legged on a stool in your kitchen with Chris and Kelsey, two other officers from the station. You had paused for a moment in decorating cupcakes to read a text, feeling your face light up at the sight of Connor’s name with a little dog emoji next to it pop up. Every time he messaged you it made your heart pound like a caged bird searching for release. It was silly, you knew that, but your attachment and feelings for Connor had grown so genuine it was almost embarrassing.

You stuck your tongue out at Chris, “His name is Connor, Chris, and he isn’t a toy.”

Chris was grinning, slowly trying to decorate a cupcake to make it look like a mummy, “Yeah but when I use the ‘crush’ word or the ‘lover’ word you turn bright red.”

Sure enough, both those terms caused your cheeks to flush, making the two laugh. You just couldn’t help it, thinking of Connor in a romantic way...your body betrayed you every time.Even in front of Connor sometimes you had to play off flushed cheeks and a racing heartbeat in one way or another.

“Shut your faces,” You hiss, waving a tube of frosting threateningly, “I’m armed and I’m not afraid to use it.”

Kelsey giggled, wiping a bit of frosting onto your face, “Oh come on, there’s no reason to be embarrassed. It’s adorable, we’ve all had crushes.”

You duck down a little, staring down at the cupcakes before you as you mutter, “It’s more than a crush you heathens.” And you weren’t lying--you had never felt this way about anyone ever. It was so overwhelming it was almost hard to tolerate in every day life. A crush could be ignored, a crush could be handled. What you couldn’t handle was the urge to kiss Connor’s mouth every time you saw him.

You saw both of them soften their expressions considerably, Chris giving you a comforting pat on the head as he replied, “Be that as it may, we’re still allowed to tease you. You two have been flirting for months now and we all reached a point where we couldn’t take it anymore,” He rolled his eyes, “I don’t know who’s more oblivious, you or him.”

“I’d say him,” Kelsey said with a smirk, setting about making another batch of frosting, “His poor little android brain can’t handle how gorgeous you are, (Y/N).”

You bit your lip a little, a nervous habit. Part of you was really hoping they were right. You wanted Connor to share your feelings so badly you couldn’t stand it. Most times when you felt romantic affection towards someone who you were unsure felt the same way, you squashed those feelings before they grew. But with Connor...they grew. They grew and grew until you had no control over it.

And it wasn’t just how handsome he was. Seeing him take care of stray dogs, listening to him talk about the mechanisms of androids and the concept of androids feeling emotion...you loved all of it. You looked forward to seeing him every day. His crooked smirk sucker-punched you in the gut each time he showed you it, and those puppy-dog eyes...

You sank down in your chair, looking at the text and opening the picture attached before your friends noticed you getting flustered again. What you saw made you cackle aloud anyway, making the two look at you in confusion.

In the picture was Connor in a crab costume, smirking with Hank sitting with his head in his hands in the background. The message included? “Hank seems a bit crabby today.”

Oh no, you bit your lip and smiled what you knew was a dopey grin--he was charming your socks off, you couldn’t help it. He looked bright eyed and adorable in the plush costume, and you were glad to see he was having a good time. Connor was such an unbelievable dork, and that very fact made your heart start pounding again. You loved that about him.

“Oh no,” Chris groaned, “We lost her again. What did robocop send you this time?”

You giggled hysterically, holding up the photo for the two to see. Kelsey looked like she was about to die.

“Oh my god, can i have that framed and put up in the office?” She wheezed, holding her sides, “Just for Hank in the background. That poor man, it’s killing me.”

You laughed, holding your phone out of reach of the two, “No way, this treasure is mine!”

While they complained in various ways, you typed out a swift reply, cheeks warm as you did so.

“Oh my god, Connor have I ever told you what an absolute dork you are? Gotta say I approve <3″

The heart emoji felt strangely risky to you, which was silly and childish to think about. Letting out a light sigh, you pocketed your phone before you could get distracted again, taking a quick look out into your living room. You’d happily admit you’d gone all out. Creepy lights, cobwebs, skeletons...this holiday was practically the only one you enjoyed due to having no family.

When you were with the people at the station that cared about you...it felt like family.

Chris saw the dreamy look on your face and sighed again, “Oh good god, she’s spacing again. We seriously need to get you laid, (Y/N).”

If you had been drinking something, you would have spit it out.

Kelsey giggled at your flustered look, an evil twinkle in her eyes, “Isn’t that where this night was going? What better way to have Halloween? Confess your love, get that good android di--”

“Gah!” You covered your ears, face flushed so warm you were sure you were on fire, “Stop! There’s no way Connor would ever want to do that...!”

Chris let out a low rumble of laughter, sounding almost sinister, “When he gets a load of those thigh highs you have planned and that butt snuggled in those shorts--”

Kelsey interjected, “Ew, when you talk like that you sound as thirsty as Gavin...!”

“Sorry sorry,” Chris laughed, “I just know she’s going to be a snack.”

You placed your head in your hands, feeling how warm your cheeks were from blushing. You weren’t deep enough in denial to say you hadn’t thought about it, hell half the reason you chose to dress that way was...well...to see how he reacted. It was easy to flirt and appear confident on your exterior, but this in reality made you jittery and nervous. You wanted things to work out with Connor, you wanted validation in a way.

Could Connor feel those attractions toward you? God, you hoped so.

“Look at that thirsty expression,” Kelsey tsked, “Girl you’ve got it bad.”

“I’m...not thirsty...” You muttered, not sounding convincing in the slightest.

Chris chuckled, finishing up the last cupcake with a satisfied look, “Do we even know if Connor has a dick?”

“Oh my god--” You started to groan.

“He has a tongue and ten fingers that aren’t broken,” Kelsey interjected with a shrug.

“Oh my god...!” You squeaked, “Kelsey!”

“What? Dicks aren't everything.”

The two dissolved into cackles, and you resisted hitting your head on the counter to clear your thoughts. This is why it was so hard to stay composed around Connor, these two were bad for your thought process in every way. Lusting for the oblivious boy was so not where you wanted to head with your  feelings, but it didn’t take very long. He was just....so much. of everything. Not to mention you in general had been comfortable in your sexuality. But with Connor, the added feelings of romance were somehow more flustering.

As if on cue, your phone went off again, and you quickly pulled it out. Sure enough, his familiar name was in your notifications. You wasted no time opening his message, a bit disappointed to see no picture this time, but his words made your heart pound.

“You’ll be happy to know, I had quite a bit of fun today. Hank and I also managed to settle on an outfit for me. I will keep it a secret for now...But I can’t wait to see what you think. See you tomorrow evening, (Y/N).”

You held the phone to your chest, biting your lip with anticipation. How the hell were you going to wait a whole day to see what he had picked out for his vampire theme? God, maybe you were as thirsty as they said?

Either way, maybe that whole day was enough to gain some semblance of composure.

AK: I hope yall caught the funny ass crab suit reference i made ;) I have big plans for the next part

Tagged: @bethanystan

[mtvswatches]

Crazy Ex Girlfriend 4x10 I Can Work With You

Stray thoughts

1) It’s amazing but the show actually accomplished it – I dig the new theme song. I’m actually singing along.

2) I repeat: Other Rebecca needs help.

3) Okay…

REBECCA: You're weird around her. It's like you can barely even look at her, because she reminds you of a very traumatic time in your life where you made some rash decisions and contributed to the existence of another person and maybe didn't fully think it through.

Even though this is incredibly introspective and it makes sense, it wasn’t the explanation I was expecting to get from Rebecca. Accepting to be Daryl’s baby’s surrogate mother was a rash decision, yes. And even though it rubbed me the wrong way how she showed no interest in the baby, it made sense, it was consistent with her behavior. She made the decision to carry the baby without giving it much thought. Likewise, she wasn’t giving the baby much thought.

I actually chalked it up to Rebecca being a self-centered dick. She might be making improvements as regards her mental health and introspection, but she’s still utterly self-centered and a dick.

4) I loved the Jersey Shore reference!

REBECCA: Snooki has a baby. She has two babies.

DARRYL: And look at what a great job she's doing with Lorenzo and Giovanna.

Yes, I love Jersey Shore. Occasionally, I love crap.

5) Shouldn’t Greg and his dad be attending different help groups? It kind of defeats the whole “anonymous” purpose…

But I like how we got to see Greg’s sponsor again and see how seriously Greg takes his advice.

6) I keep relating to Paula so much…

PAULA: Second, that is how I wanted to celebrate my birthday With you and some room-temp California rolls. It was perfect. No one stared at me and no one sang "Happy Birthday," so it was a big win.

I loathe celebrating my birthday.

7) It’s kind of a shocker that Mrs H sucks at charades, isn’t it?

8) Me, everytime Josh speaks:

9) Also, me:

Replace “Beverly Hills” with any TV show I binge-watch.

10) I relate to Rebecca so much because I’m so not a baby person either. I had a very similar experience the first time babysitting one of my best friend’s babies. I just don’t know what to do with babies. They are so fragile and unpredictable, an enigma. Toddlers and kids, that’s a whole other thing. Once I can actually communicate with them, they love me.

11) Oh, the game night is Paula’s graduation party! I can understand her not wanting to make a big deal out of it. I didn’t celebrate my graduation either! But I agree with Paula’s husband, though. Rebecca would’ve totally gone to the game night if she had known it was Paula’s graduation party.

12) The game sounds boring af, though. I think they wasted a great opportunity to come up with a nonsensical game that only the characters in the show understand and whose rules are super vague for the audience, a la “True American” from New Girl.

13) I really love it when Nathaniel violently claims he’s nice.

14) Valencia is going to mop the floor with Hector, isn’t she? Will learn why she is so mean to him, though?

15) I laughed so hard at this…

JOSH: Um, what happened to Marvin Gaye?

PAULA: Oh, his dad murdered him. Anyway…

JOSH: As an adult?

NATHANIEL: No, Josh, as a baby. Marvin Gaye was murdered as a baby. All the music that he made that you love, he made as a baby.

JOSH: Whoa.

16) “You left West Covina just to get away from me.” Again, this is a bit self-centered. Yes, Rebecca definitely played a huge part in Greg deciding to leave West Covina, but he also did it for very personal reasons related to his own desires, ambitions and mental health. What’s more, I just don’t understand how Rebecca doesn’t realize that in spite of all the crazy shit she’s done, her coming to West Covina put in motion a chain of events that affected everyone’s lives in a positive way. All of the characters are at a better place than they were before Rebecca arrived in town, Greg included! So yeah, she might be a whirlwind who usually fucks things up, but she’s served as the catalyst for everyone’s self-improvement as well.

17) Ummmmmmmm

In the words of Joshua Felix Chan…

I did not see that coming. I was expecting the writers to rekindle this relationship, but I didn’t see them getting involved so soon after meeting again? Like, there’s so much stuff they still have to work through, plus they have to get reacquainted with one another? Both of them have changed so much! Are they into the actual person in front of them or are they holding onto the idea of the person they used to be who made them feel a certain way?

Let’s just hope this is going in an interesting direction… (but I don’t know if “Settle for Me” playing in the background right before they kissed is a good omen…)

18) I really enjoyed this number…

And I really loved how their parents were playing the instruments and looked bitterly disappointed once they finished hahaha!

19) GOOD. GOOD!

Yeah, something feels weird. So, listen. You know me I'm usually the first person to impulsively throw myself into any really romantic moment, but I think I got to just take a beat and deal with the fact that right before you so sweetly kissed me, I was in the middle of a shame spiral. Which isn't just a me thing. That's a thing that happens with my disorder, BPD. Um, and basically, it's what you saw. I can spiral out about things, in this case oh, my fear that everyone hates me and that I'm a contagious plague in the form of a woman, even though intellectually I know that I'm not.

I really like what they’ve been doing this season with Rebecca’s disorder and the way she handles it. The fact that she got a diagnosis and she’s being treated doesn’t mean that she’s magically cured, so she’s bound to make some mistakes again and to act out because of her disorder. The difference now is that she understands where those impulses and crises come from and she’s better equipped to deal with them properly instead of continuing spiraling.

20) Oh, they’re still going at it…

And this shot reminds me of “Oh My God I think I Like You.”

21) Let me just say that I’m so fucking happy that Paula finally got her dream that made her feel like she deserves a dream, okay?

22) Ha!

No one here is a mind reader, except maybe Valencia. She's into that occult stuff.

Jokes aside, he makes a great point. You can’t fault people for not acting the way you expect them to if you haven’t communicated it properly, you know?

23) I actually enjoyed their bonding? Yes, I am surprised.

24) I liked how Hector and Valencia were able to bury the hatchet, but honestly, I was hoping for Valencia’s reason to bully Hector to be a bit juicier than “I hate you because everyone likes you.”

25) Girl really has no boundaries, she just had sex on Darryl’s carpet while babysitting his daughter…

26) Oh damn, they cut that Greg and Rebecca song too short! I was super digging it!

27) Oh, Nathaniel, you’re a softie…

28) I stand corrected. NO ONE HAS ANY BOUNDARIES IN THIS FUCKING SHOW.

29) Oh, lord, they did a “Hello, nice to meet you” reprise with the baby and I DIED! It’s the sweetest thing ever!!!

Hello, nice to meet you, we share chromosomes

Hello, nice to meet you, you're kind of… me

So, since you're both the future and kind of a mirror

I'll tell you right now that life doesn't get clearer

All I can say is have fun in the gray

Well, anyway

It's nice to meet you.

Not gonna lie, I teared up a little…

30) What a wholesome moment…

31) Poor Nathaniel…

32) Oh, wow, for a second there, I was afraid Rebecca was going to say “Greg makes me feel like glitter was exploding inside of me”…

It feels different, Paula. It's different this time. Greg makes me feel like I'm… like I'm okay because he's so much more okay now, you know? And like maybe we could be the best versions of ourselves if we're together.

33) Oh, Nathaniel 💔💔💔

34) I think Rebecca might have jinxed it by saying that she enjoys the Beverly Hills drama... some drama is headed to West Covina...

35)  Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

[boneandfur]

Closure [5]

Chapter Five ~ The Bodyguard (Drake)

Song: Runaways, The Killers

Words: 1765

Catch up:  Masterlist

Tag list: @drakewalkerwhipped @mfackenthal @alicars @youwontlikewherewewillgo @ninamckenzie22 @theroyalweisme @hopefulmoonobject @pbchoicesobsessed @topsyturvy-dream @viktoriapetit

Summary: Drake's obsession with Lilly has already destroyed three marriages. Why he stays at court is anyone's guess. But tonight is a night for intrigue and dark secrets -- and some people will do anything to discover them...

"Are you Aunty Vannah's big brother?" Big bwuvver. 

Drake looks down at Sophy. She's been brushing, braiding and decorating  the grey pony's mane for half an hour, clearly in little girl heaven. "Yeah, Short Stuff. I'm her big brother. Guess that makes me your uncle in law." 

Sophy screws her face up thoughtfully. "Why?" 

"Because -- never mind. Just call me Uncle Drake, kid." It's uncanny, but this little girl could pass for the miniature version of Liam's mother. She has that Rys look about her too. For a long time he'd thought she was his daughter too, but now, meeting her face to face at last, he's not so sure. Hell, the entire foundation he built his life on cracked when he met Lilly that night in New York City. What's one more? 

"Tell me about yourself, kid. What's your favorite color?" 

Sophy frowns at him. "Silver, silly! But Mummy made me wear this. I don't like it." She has a temper. It would be painfully adorable if Drake were a sentimental man (he isn't). "Is Aunty Vannah here? I miss Percy." For a long moment he thinks she might cry, but she composes herself admirably. She is strangely self-possessed for a mere seven year old. 

Percival. Drake's nephew is a mischevious, dark haired child of four, about to start école maternelle in the autumn. He has a stuffed hippo he takes everywhere with him. Drake has always found it to be an odd attachment, but now he is beginning to wonder, a suspicion creeping into his mind. Savannah has never shared why she left Bertrand a second time, throwing herself into her career as a freelance columnist in Paris. Bartie and Percy look as alike as cheese and chalk. Bartie looks like Drake and Savannah's side of the family, and Percy... Drake runs a hand across his face. Percival Maxwell Beaumont. 

"Yeah, maybe. Do you want me to ask her?" Savannah covers the European nobility beat. It is her connections to the Cordonian court that got her the job in the first place, without a university degree she would have been doing menial work. He has to acknowledge -- grudgingly, but still -- that their royal patronage has come in handy. For two kids who grew up on the fringes of the Cordonian court, they couldn't have done better. 

Whether or not they could have done worse remains to be seen. Sometimes, Drake thinks he's already had a lifetime of courtly intrigue twice over. No wonder Savannah ran twice. 

"Please," Sophy says, batting her lashes. She looks so much Lilly in that instant that it rocks Drake to his core. 

Are you coming tonight? he texts Savannah.

Yes, I'm just pulling in. Nervous. It's been awhile. Why, is my big brother worried for me?

Lilly's here. 

He can almost see her grimace on the other end. Fuck. Thanks for warning me. 

What's the problem? LOL

You of all people should know the answer to that, Drake!! >:(

Does it have to do with my nephews?? Because you might want to brace yourself, their fathers are here too. With that, he silences his phone. He's no Cupid, but maybe at least one couple can walk away happy this night. 

At that thought, his gaze falls on Jack. He's feeding an apple to his pony, talking in a soft voice to it as he looks deeply into its eyes. Drake's heart leaps in his chest. 

When Olivia had first broken the news of her pregnancy to him, he'd run away -- straight into Lilly's arms. Lilly had stoked his greatest fears about Olivia's fidelity as they drank whiskey together, and then she had kissed him. He'd fallen into her familiar arms, drunk on the scent of her arousal, wanting nothing except to forget the world with his cock buried in Lilly. And he had -- Oh, God, he had. And every time he tried to end it, there was always another (small, helpless) reason he could never cut the ropes that bound them together. 

I can't leave him, Lilly would sob, so wretched that he hated both her and himself. Who else would have me? 

He would. How many times had he begged her to run away with him, to the ends of the earth and beyond? But she always had an excuse, always had some unarguable reason to stay with Maxwell. Irresponsible Maxwell, frittering away their fortunes in the casinos of the Cote d' Ore. 

As for proud Olivia, she had become Liam's mistress in truth, and it was easier to believe that Jack was Liam's son, rather than take the responsibility for abandoning his own child. Yet he'd stayed at court, never able to stray far, never able to forget Olivia despite his failed marriages, despite his obsession with Lilly.

His lust for Lilly has already ruined three marriages. She is his downfall, his greatest addiction. When he fucks her, it feels both wrong and right. She always claimed Beaumont didn't know how to please her, that he couldn't make her come. But it's painfully obvious to anyone with eyes that Maxwell is still in love with the woman. Maybe he never got the memo. 

Well, he certainly has now. 

Drake's glad these children aren't in the ballroom. Jack is one thing -- with Olivia for a mother, he always lands on his feet. Just what was Lilly thinking, bringing Sophy along? 

She's just like me, Drake, Lilly told him once. She needs to learn how to be strong. When I was her age, my childhood was already over, and I didn't even know it. She needs to be prepared. Pull one stick out, and the whole structure collapses. You think your life is hard? You've had it easy. 

Lilly never would explain further, but her words chilled Drake to the core. My childhood was already over... Lilly never shared anything about her past with him. It was as if she'd arrived in Cordonia newly brought alive from clay by the gods, as though she'd had no life before this one. 

And there are not many records on her either. Bastien has shared the background check with Drake, and back then he hadn't cared, but now he wonders. He has so many questions for Lilly. Whoever she is. 

Nothing beyond a registration for a social security number some twenty three years before, and a slew of hospital records. After fourteen, there is nothing. Radio silence. She claims she went to university, but where? Under what name? In this day and age it's nearly unthinkable that a person can fly under the radar for so long. 

"I thought you'd be in here." Savannah hugs Drake, setting down her clutch, a black and gold Prada. She is wearing a press badge and is dressed like a Parisian, all black clothes and an air of elegance despite the shadows under her eyes. She looks at Jack and Sophy, then back at Drake, but says nothing. Little ruffles Savannah these days. 

"Aunty Vannah!" Sophy squeals, flinging herself into Savannah's arms. "Did you bring Percy?" 

"I did not," Savannah says in a soft voice. "He is asleep, I have a nice girl watching after him and Bartie at the hotel. This is a party for grown-ups, Sophy."

Sophy frowns, stamping her foot. "Mummy said it was a party for me."

Savannah's eyes meet Drake's over Sophy's head. Her mouth is pressed in a thin, unforgiving line. "Where is Lilly?"

"Dancing with Liam." The hurt those words would once bring has faded to a mere echo. "A solid power play by House Beaumont. Their star is rising. Olivia is... unpredictable. Hana wants her out." 

Savannah smiles, stroking his cheek. "My big brother, who hates all nobles, talking about courtly intrigue?" 

Drake stiffens. Sophy has joined Jack on the other side of the ring, their heads bent together, whispering. He turns his attention back to Savannah. "They're not nobles. They're my friends."

"Even Olivia?" she teases him lightly. "I remember there was a time when you were head over heels for her. And she -- well, she's always been in love with you." 

Drake remembers -- a screaming match and then a scorching kiss, Olivia in his arms until the sun rose, waking in surprise to find her in his arms, curled up against him like she had always belonged there. Yes, Olivia. He sighs. "I never thought I'd fuck this life up so bad, Vannah."

She laughs, and he's glad to hear it. Savannah has had little enough joy in her life besides her children, since she went away. "You didn't fuck your life up, Drake." 

"No, but I --"

"Here." Savannah passes him a Polaroid photo from her purse. "Gemma, Talia, Annelyse and Valentina." Four little girls with his mother's eyes stare up at him from the glossy paper. "Do you think their lives would be any easier if they lived with you?"

"How can you ask me that?" Drake chokes, overcome with emotion. "They'd be my little girls and they'd live --"

"Here at the palace, while their mother fucked the king? Or a hand to mouth life on the run?" Savannah shakes her head. "And what about Sophy and Sei? Would you take their mother from them as well?" 

Drake clenches his jaw. "Why did you show me this, if you were only going to break my heart again? Are you a monster?" 

"Of course not," Savannah whispers. Her eyes glitter in the lantern's light, and he can see that she is crying. "I want to help you."

"Well, you have a funny way of showing it."

"Listen to me, Drake. Maxwell is the only father those girls know. You don't know how much he loves them. He'd give anything to keep them safe." 

"What are you implying?" Drake demands. "Blackmail?" 

"One star falls and another rises. Such is the way of the court. With their star on the rise, House Beaumont will want to sweep everything shady about Lilly under the rug. I've already made the  arrangements with Bertrand. The girls will live with me in Paris, except..." she turns her head, her eyes going wide in shock. "Sophy? Sophy!" 

Drake feels his heart sink like a stone. "Jack!" He shouts, his heart in his throat. "This isn't time for games, Jackson Nevrakis! Come out right now!" 

But the children do not answer. Sophy and Jack have vanished, as if they've never been. Only a scrap of green fabric flutters sadly on the edge of the corral, twisting and turning in the wind. 

==

Ecole maternelle - kindergarten

Let me know if you would like to be added to the tag list. Sorry if I forgot anyone!

[argylemikewheeler]

not adopted (richie and mike twins) - part 2

So Richie has a twin. An honest to fucking God twin. What the hell is he supposed to do with that? He was supposed to be a one of a kind– not the one discarded of two. (reddie and byeler background)  part 1 | part 3

Richie was on his third cup of coffee. He really shouldn’t have been. Every doctor his mother had dragged him to sternly advised against any caffeine. He could barely keep his body still as it was, but with his third cup and new-found twin brother sitting across from him in the diner’s booth, there were no chances his hands were going to be steady.

“Slow down, Richie. You’re going to send yourself into cardiac arrest.” Eddie said, placing his hand over the top of the mug as he lifted it to his lips. “Seriously.”

“It’s either this or I’m breaking into the Tozier liquor cabinet.” Richie muttered, looking at Eddie. “Do you want to push me to the bottle, Eds?” Eddie lifted his hand with a sigh.

Over his mug, Richie looked at the three boys across the table from them. Bill was sitting on the outside, squinting at a specials menu across the room and muttering them under his breath. He was stuttering so much, Richie thought he was cold by the way his teeth were chattering. Next to him was a stranger, sixteen years old at his oldest, Richie thought, eyes wide as he looked between the other boys at the table. He was small, like Eddie had been when they were younger but without the growth spurt. He was holding the hand of the other stranger at the table. The one that looked exactly like Richie. His twin. He was better looking, Richie thought, looking at his hair hang with far more discipline than the curls bouncing all over his own face. He didn’t have Richie’s embarrassing glasses with the half-inch thick prescription. No wonder their parents wanted Mike instead of him; they made the right choice.

“Cuh-Can I ask you something?” Bill asked, trying to manage the silence. “Did you know Richie lived here?”

“No!” Mike answered, shaking his head. “Mom said Richie was… gone.”

“Why would she say I was fucking dead!” Richie cried.

“Richie, inside voice.” Eddie hissed.

“No, I’m serious. What kind of mother gives up one twin and then tells the other he’s dead!” Richie wanted to know the truth. He knew half the shit that came out of his mouth was shit anyway, but this time he was serious. He wanted to know why he was left behind. Why no one bothered to tell him he was a part of some bigger picture.

“She said you were sick.” Mike muttered, the words unambiguous as he looked at Richie, bad eyesight and scrambled brain staring back at him.

“Sick.” Richie repeated. “They thought I was going to be a goddamn mutant or something? Fuck, I wish I was. Then maybe I could feel better about this.”

“Richie, come on.” Eddie said, sliding his arm under Richie’s to hold his hand. “It’s not like that.”

“No, Eddie. It is. It is that.” Richie argued. “Listen, your mom fucking lied to you to say you were a half skip away from the grave at all times. Imagine that but… instead your mom just decided you’d be better dead. She just left you. Gave you to some other family because you were going to be too much of a hassle!” Richie couldn’t believe that his mother– his real mother– could have predicted before birth he’d end up such a fucking mess. He couldn’t blame her for giving him up.

“It’s not like she forgets you. We have that picture of you on the mantle. Next to Baby Holly.” Mike tried to comfort Richie, but kept making things worse.

“Holly?”

“That’s my little sister… She’s not much of a baby anymore.” Mike smiled. “She’s your sister too! Nancy too!”

“Wait.” Richie said, placing his coffee cup down. He let his hand fall below the table and grab Eddie’s hand. “You have a younger sister?”

“Yeah.” Mike nodded, furrowing his eyebrows at the intensity of Richie’s tone.

“Your mom had another kid.” Richie said. “Our mom got rid of me because I was supposed to be some goddamn handicap or something… but then had another kid.”

“Richie.” Eddie said, squeezing his hand. “You don’t know what happened.” He was trying to calm Richie down without stepping on any of his wild-fire emotions, flaring up and growing with every breath. “Maybe… Maybe it’s different.”

“Yeah! Muh-muh-maybe things were more complicated.” Bill reached across the table and placed his hand on the table, Richie releasing Eddie’s for a moment to take it. “Mike?”

“Oh, I don’t remember anything.” He said, shrugging. “My mom just always said that Richie was sick, he wasn’t going to live that long after they cut us apart, so they sent him to a foster family… to be well taken care of.”

“What am I? An old, dying dog?” Richie scoffed. “I can’t stand this shit. Eddie, let me out of the booth.”

“Richie, I drove you.” Eddie said, trying to coax him to stay.

“Edward. Get out of my goddamn way.” Richie demanded. “I don’t want to fight with you today, babe. Move.” Eddie looked at Richie with the same eyes that held the ability to melt him and make his entire world fade away. In that moment, they made Richie feel isolated and cold.

He hadn’t meant to fight with Eddie. Eddie was the only thing that was making any remote sense at that point to Richie. His entire life in Derry had been a lie and Richie had little to no hard time believing it, except with it came to Eddie. With Eddie, Richie almost refused to believe he was meant to have another life. Eddie fit perfectly, it made sense. It was Richie’s only reassurance that he wasn’t a complete fuck up. But to learn that it was a fluke? Richie couldn’t accept it. He loved Eddie. That couldn’t change.

Eddie slid out of the booth and let Richie stand, slamming change from his pocket on the table before storming out. Behind him, Richie heard the rest of the group bickering and trying to mobilize just before the diner door slammed behind him. Eddie’s car was at the end of the lot facing away from the glass diner windows. Richie had no other way to get home, so he sat on the trunk, feet resting on the bumper. Across the lot, Bill came walking out of the diner. Richie had expected Eddie first.

“What do you want, Bill.” Richie asked, sitting back and crossing his arms. “I am not going back in there.”

“I d-d-don’t blame you.” Bill said, reaching Richie and resting a hand on the trunk. “But take it easy on them. Maybe?”

“I just don’t understand, Bill.” Richie muttered, letting his arms drop to his sides. Bill reached forward and took his hand again. “I thought my parents loved me.”

“Being adopted doesn’t muh-muh-mean that they don’t.” Bill said. “And you don’t know about Mike’s parents– your parents– had going on. Maybe they’ll be happy to hear y-you’re doing okay!” Bill grinned, trying to lighten Richie’s mood, but the sentiment fell flat. Richie’s birth parents would not be pleased to know that he and Mike met. They wouldn’t be happy to know that he’s alive. Another person that would be better off if he was dead. The list kept getting longer– he was running out of arm’s reach.

“Richie! Wait.” Mike was walking out of the diner, Will and Eddie behind him. He was nearly in a run, not even slowing when he saw Richie stationary and slumped on Eddie’s car, keys in the other boy’s back pocket. “Maybe we can call my parents– our parents!”

“No. I’d rather not.” Richie said, standing and waving Eddie to the car. “I want to go home to my fake parents, to my fake house, with my fake hometown, and pretend that I wasn’t fucking fused to someone at birth. Like some goddamn medical mutant.”

“Would you stop.” Mike begged, reaching out and grabbing Richie’s arm.

His fingers wrapped around Richie’s forearm and the world faded away. Not in the way it happened with Eddie, it was much faster. The entire world turned black, echoing reality in shadows and warped versions of the buildings around them. Mike and everyone else disappeared from his vision, a strong, invisible grip keeping Richie frozen in place as he stared up at the cloud-filled, rumbling sky. There were particles, little white things, floating in front of Richie’s eyes like particles of the old Earth floating up to the sky. It all seemed like he had blacked out as soon as Mike touched him, but his eyes had kept a residual image of the town around him as his eyes closed.

“Fuck!” Richie screamed, yanking his arm downward, away from the ghosted touch. His vision returned and he was able to see Mike’s hand again, retracted from Richie’s body. Eddie touched his shoulder and Bill was staring at him with wide eyes. Mike looked offended, but Will looked frightened, his eyes narrowing as he looked at Richie, who was beginning to sweat. “Did anyone else see that?”

“See what?” Mike asked.

“Richie, did you see something?” Eddie asked frantically, looking around. He was trying to find something far different than what Richie saw; he was looking for stray balloons, drops of blood, the rushing of bright colors. If he was looking, he didn’t see it.

“You did see that? All that black?” Richie asked, waving his hand out to the world that had seemed to drop away just a moment before. “It was gone!”

“Gone?” Bill echoed, cocking his head. “What’s that suh-supposed to mean?”

“Black?” Will asked, looking at Richie with the same narrowed eyes, eyebrows furrowed in thought.

“Yeah! Like, everything just kind of turned all opposite. It was like a fucking shadow town. You didn’t see that?” Richie knew what he saw. There was no way he had made that up. It was his mouth that spewed the bullshit, not his eyes.

“I didn’t see anything.” Eddie said. “Are you sure it wasn’t something else?”

“Positive.” Richie said, looking at Eddie and trying to find the lost comfort in his eyes. “I know what I saw, Eds.”

“Was it cloudy?” Will asked, his voice trying to reach Richie carefully. He was hesitant, but with enough confidence to know he was right. Richie nodded. “And none of us were here?”

“What are you talking about?” Eddie demanded, jerking his head to stare at Will. “We were all right here!”

“Mike.” Will said slowly, turning to look at the boy beside him. “Dark? Clouds and storms? Separate reality? That’s awfully familiar.” Will spoke grimly, the other three boys left in the dark, although Richie was mostly blind at that point.

“Oh shit.” Mike breathed, whipping his head to stare at Richie. He reached out to grab Richie’s arm again, the world flickering away like a bad bulb before Mike retracted his hand and granted Richie the world back. “True Sight.”

(tagging @thescaryflower at request)

[metalempire]

So I finally finished Dark Souls Remastered on PS4, which was my first time playing Dark Souls 1, so I’m gonna write a big long post about all my thoughts on the game since it deserves that much. I’ll put the long bits under readmore and give a brief synopsis of sorts here. 

For background info, I’ve played Bloodborne, Dark Souls 3 and Dark Souls 2 Scholar Of The First Sin, so I’m not inexperienced with the Souls series and thus this game wasn’t as brutally hard for me as it would be to a Souls virgin. My first game was Bloodborne and considering I died to Gascoigne 30 times on my first run I can safely say I empathise with new players to the series as it’s a hard but good one to get into, but I myself am no longer in that position. Anyway, the short version of this is: Dark Souls good. The long version of this is under the cut, but effectively will be saying the same thing, though my criticisms of the game will still remain. 

With all that said, let’s begin. 

Just as a mild disclaimer I didn’t really die too much playing this game. The most a boss killed me was 5 times before I beat it and that was a boss I liked so I didn’t mind. Game’s kind of easy once you get into its slow, deliberate, patient style and pacing. It’ll punish you, but you can punish it. Most of the time, anyway, as with all Souls games, there is artificial shit to make the difficulty annoying or some enemies that break the flow of the game that they’re in (looking especially hard at a certain DLC boss from Dark Souls 3!) but on the whole the game is only as hard as it needs to be. Everything can be learned and overcome with the tools you can find and utilise and that’s damn great. I played the game with a strength build, utilising weapons like the Man-Serpent Greatsword and the Zweihander and occasionally pulling out a Dragonslayer Greatbow to mess around with things. That should give you the idea of how I played. This is more an impressions style assessment and if I was making a novel length essay I’d play through the game as every main build and see how they stand up. For the most part I was either medium or fast rolling, mixing and matching light and medium armour and dodging alot, mostly two-handing my weapons with a Grass Crest Shield on my back for the passive stamina regeneration. This is a pretty standard offensive playstyle and it allowed me to force myself to adapt to how Dark Souls handles compared to its sequels by giving myself less margins for error, fitting with how the game effectively makes differing levels of demands of mastery from you. 

So we’ll get into the systems of the game now since that’s easiest to understand just by playing it really and we’ll start with the combat, since that’s what you spend most of the game doing, other than walking around and listening to weird people talk in vague sounding voices about their shopping lists like it’s an average dismal day in Stoke. The combat in Dark Souls is rather well done, every action having weight, time, consequences and a cost to performing it, alot less lenient than any other game in the series, stamina management being a solid focus that always kept me mindful of my options and had me learning fights as to better think ahead of what actions to do. There’s also a nice tiered system to your defensive options. Blocking is generally low-risk, low-reward. A good thing for strafing and handy for projectiles and other stray hits, as well as making weaker enemies recoil, blocking is functional but you can’t use it too offensively. Rolling is the medium risk-medium reward, only heightened by how much or little armour you wear which effects the invincibility frames and speed of your roll, heavy armour means you tank better but can’t avoid very well whereas the opposite is true for light armour. It’s a good system for this game in particular and keeps you thinking again about options. I started as a Knight and while having high defences is nice, I soon gravitated towards having a more useful roll since it has manoeuvrability uses as well. Finally, parrying is high-risk, high-reward move, (on enemies that actually be parried, still annoyed you can’t parry the Hydra) if you pull it off you can do incredibly high damage which is great for tougher enemies, but if you do the timing wrong then you get smacked in the face and look like an idiot and probably die in process. Again, this all ties back into options and how you use them. With how slow and methodical Dark Souls is, especially compared to the fast-paced Bloodborne, having all these options and picking them rather than reacting poorly and getting a broadsword lodged up your bum is all the more rewarding in the little micro interactions you have with enemies.  Finally, the healing system is really admirable. In Bloodborne you could farm for healing but only carry 20, in Dark Souls 2 you only start with 1 Estus and have to build your healing up with Shards, however you can use Lifegems instead as regenerating health and carry 99 of them and stack multiple on top of each other so healing is a joke let’s just pretend Dark Souls 2 didn’t happen please God, and then there’s Dark Sous 3 which gives you 3 Estus at the start and lets you build up the supply with shards dotted about fairly frequently. Dark Souls uses the Estus Flask but does it very well, you have 5 at base at all times, whenever you rest at the bonfire, you fully heal, get it all back, but reset the area’s enemies. You can kindle that specific bonfire with Humanity, a somewhat common-ish resource in the game, to have 10 Estus, then later in the game you can kindle to 15 and even 20 Estus. This healing system is quite good since you can try the challenge of just 5 Estus to see how many mistakes you end up making and how well you do with boss fights, then look at your own performance and self assess on if you need to kindle the bonfire, and how much Estus you need. Player choice is a good thing and putting that choice in their hands is a good thing in my eyes, since it lets you honestly assess your own performance and you can decide to practice and get better at the enemies and the area to the point of perfection, or crank up the Estus and just carry on at your own pace with a bit of a net to fall back on. Kindling is a good system. 

Before we get to the levels and all that I just want to note I mostly played offline. I dabbled in the multiplayer and found invasions to be hell for both invaded and invader, while coming back towards the end of the game in the Path of the Dragon covenant and doing some duelling proved to be quite enjoyable. On the whole I’d say the game is better experienced single player for the most part, but can definitely be enjoyed with others if you’re struggling with a boss or area.

I’ll try and be broad about the world as a whole but I do feel that overall, Lordran is the best world I’ve played through in a video game in a long time. It’s design its strangely evocative of Digimon World on the PS1. Lordran is a highly interconnected world that loops around and back into itself, with areas leading into each other and into other ones with a ton of secrets and shortcuts to find. It’s a joy to explore unless your name is Lost Izalith. The level design itself for the first half of the game before you get the Lordvessel is absolutely astounding with tons of verticality to it. It feels like a real cohesive place and the feeling of adventure I had while playing through Lordran was incredible. I adore the exploration in this game. Levels themselves tend to embody this too. The Undead Burg is a great example in many ways, you can find alot by exploring, like a merchant and some treasure, and you have things to do there while also finding other things. There’s a Bell of Awakening to ring, as well as the key to the Depths to get, as well as a path to the Darkroot Basin and the way over to Sen’s Fortress, all leading back through the Parish back to the main hub of Firelink Shrine is some truly brilliant level design, full of all sorts of tests and encounters. The Firelink Shrine is also a part of the game I really like. It connects to the Undead Burg and Parish, to the Catacombs, to New Londo Ruins, back to the Northern Undead Asylum, and is even where you go to access the final area. It’s your safe haven and where all your NPCs for things like magic and the like go. There’s also a free kindled bonfire there and a Firekeeper who can upgrade your Estus Flask to make it heal more. It’s the one place you feel safe, your haven, the place you set out from for a good chunk of your journey. 

And now, for that aforementioned journey. 

Your vague objective initially is to ring the two Bells of Awakening, the one in Undead Parish, and the one in Quelagg’s Domain. One above, one below. This first half of the game is the adventure really. The journey takes you through the Undead Burg to reach the Parish, fighting hollows, Black Knight minibosses and Demon boss fights all to overcome the annoying gank fest of the Bell Gargoyles and ring that first bell, but damn if it isn’t satisfying. The Burg and Parish are a little microcosm for the game at large and is a great motivator on the whole when beaten. The design is stellar, even if the bosses are dull or annoying, fuck off Capra Demon. The Depths is where you go after and it’s a level I really like, you descend downwards in a fun little maze that loops around and connects to itself with all sorts of encounters and things to find, all capping off with the fairly enjoyable test of skill in the Gaping Dragon. I liked The Depths alot actually. By now you’re further and further away from your home base and Blighttown is great at reinforcing that. Enemies inflict toxic, there’s alot of the classic Bad tier FromSoftware platforming and an even greater descent downwards towards Quelaggs domain. The level in relentlessly unpleasant but that’s thematically fitting as you’re heavily outside of your comfort zone and adapting harshly to one hell of a challenge. On a sort of note but I got lost when I reached the bottom and found the Great Hollow by sheer accident, then descended gleefully down it to find Ash Lake, discovering the incredible sights of the area and the Path of the Dragon Covenant. This moment was defining of Dark Souls for me, that I had journeyed deep down away from my sanctuary, braved a place where everything was out to get me, then suddenly discovered a secret area and an another one below that, only to find a mystical lake and the ethereal ancient dragon resting there that let me join what felt like a secret club of sorts. It really was impactful, that I was so far along on my journey that it had yielded a moment of genuine bright-eyed discovery that had made all the pain getting here worth it. The world of Dark Souls really is like that, in that no matter how rough it gets, taking a moment to reflect on the journey you’ve had really feels satisfying and even a little incredible. Climbing back up to Blighttown and beating the really rough Quelagg and ringing the second Bell opens up a new set of challenges, though I went to see what was beyond the area, picked up an armour set and then got one-shotted by Ceaseless Discharge and decided to come back later. You then have to climb back out of Blighttown through a new route cos the old one isn’t able to be used to go back up because of the drops, so you find the way up and out, then back through the Valley of Drakes over to New Londo ruins and back to Firelink Shrine in a truly brilliant moment. For one, your adventure comes full circle and you’re back in your sanctuary, the world’s interconnectedness really shines here, and two, you return to find the Firekeeper murdered by Lautrec and thus the bonfire no longer lit. Your sanctuary has been defiled and thus you have your own personal mission to track down the killer and restore Firelink Shrine to the way it should be .From here there’s a ton of adventures I had, the Darkroot Basin and Garden were all fun challenges with some really beautiful bits to admire, the whole place is serene and distracts you from the invasion and NPC hell. Thanks Alvina. The Catacombs has an interesting gimmick where the skeletons keep coming back until you kill the necromancers controlling them that hide and run away from you. It’s not a bad area really. Then there’s Sen’s Fortress which is an absolute madhouse of traps and scary timing. It’s pretty exhilarating even if I initially got stuck there cos I couldn’t see a fog gate. Overcoming it and seeing the view of Lordran from the walls of the fort adds to the feeling of accomplishment the game gives you. I can absolutely see why there’s so many spamming of “Dark Souls helped me cope with depression” videos on Youtube when the game can feel pretty uplifting at times. Then they reward you even more with the heavenly sight of Anor Londo, a gorgeous city at the very peak of the world itself, the kingdom of the gods. It’s a true test of everything you’ve learned, large imposing enemies, tough knights, nimble fighters, very deadly ranged attacks, tricky footing and traps, tight maze-like navigation, secrets and interconnected level design. I actually went back to the Undead Asylum before this and found the Peculiar Doll, so I got sucked into the Painted World of Ariamis when I found the painting in Anor Londo, sucking me out of the adventure I was in and into a new one, which was really exciting. The level itself was fairly challenging and was like a mini version of the one I was just in, with a wide variety of enemies and puzzles, ending in a boss fight that was hilariously easy and then my escape from the painting. I probably shouldn’t have killed the foot fetish lady who told me to fuck off but then again no one with a tail tells me what to do. Back to Anor Londo and the boss of that area is arguably the best one in the game, more on that later with bosses. At the end you get to meet Gywnevere and are finally recognised as the hero of the game, the Chosen Undead, you also get to kill Lautrec here and get your Fire Keeper’s soul back. The whole game leading up this moment where you get the Lordvessel and beat Anor Londo is absolutely fantastic, it really is your own hero’s journey that forges you into someone able to handle the divine mission Gwynevere gives to you. The first half of Dark Souls and the journey it gives you is an absolute treasure and arguably one of my favourite adventures in any video game. It captures that feeling perfectly and executes it wonderfully with excellent payoff at the end of the first half of the game. 

Sadly, the second half of the game exists. From here your new mission is to acquire the Lord Souls for the Lordvessel so you can become the next Lord yourself. There are 4 Lord Souls in all belonging to 4 bosses in 4 areas, 3 of which are locked to you until you place the Lordvessel down on its’ altar. Those bosses being Bang Bros, Seath the Naked Dragon, Sans Undertale, and the Bed of the Chaos Emeralds. From there the adventure effectively refequires you’ve done all the other areas first, as the bosses hang out in areas that are tacked on to other areas, the Dukes Archives is a part of Anor Londo, to traverse the Abyss and un-flood New Londo ruins you need the Lordvessel and Artorias’ ring, the Tomb of the Giants is after the Catacombs and Lost Izalith is after the Demon Ruins that are behind Ceaseless Discharge. You can do them in whatever order you please, which is nice. New Londo was alright for me, the gimmick of the ghosts and having to use transient curses and having a time limit and resource limit to how much you can fight them for added tension, and the Four Kings boss fight is more or less DPS test, where you get ganked if you’re too weak and obliterate them if you’re strong enough. The Duke’s Archives is the best of the four, it’s got alot of puzzles, has you captured after a forced death to Seath and there’s some nice design to the level overall. The Crystal Cave isn’t good though since it relies on messing with what you can and can’t walk on, with some crystals having you slide right off if you stand on them funny or try to strafe the crystal golems there, and alot of invisible bridges from Indiana Jones. Seath is a pretty boring boss. The Tomb of Giants is dark and plays around with light as a mechanic. It’s not all that fun but at least it’s different. Nito is annoying because of the skeleton gank party but at least he kills them for you. The Demon Ruins was interesting, getting to re-fight Taurus and Capra Demons as regular enemies added a feeling of progression to see former-bosses be something you can take in droves now. Lost Izalith can go fuck itself. It’s whole thing is using a ring to walk on lava so you only slowly burn to death, then navigate alot of boring areas with boring enemies and fight the lower half of undead dragons for some reason. It’s the lowest point of the game in terms of level design and really it’s fun, and there is a special place in hell for the Bed of Chaos which is probably the worst Souls boss ever made. After getting all the Lord Souls I went into the DLC levels and had a blast with them. Despite being 3 somewhat linear levels in structure, they still all employ design aspects of the main game, such as connecting back and around to one another. The boss fights there are all really good too, and all decently challenging. I liked the DLC alot and I’ll talk about that later. The journey ends with me getting all the gear I wanted and then murdering everyone. Oh yeah and Kiln of the First Flame. It’s a moment that feels like it’s really building to something, fighting off the last five Black Knights as the final obstacles before finally reaching Big Lord Sad Dude himself in a pretty fun duel before choosing to either light yourself on fire to bring in an age of light or walk away and become a lord of a new age of the dark. The ending is alright in that regard, though really the game would’ve been fine ending when you beat Anor Londo, since the level design takes a real hit in the second half as most of the areas don’t have the strong design and the encounters are alot less crafted than they were in the first half. On the whole the journey of Dark Souls in incredible but is bogged down by it’s second half being such a drop in quality. 

OK after that long affair, now onto the boss fights which were actually kind of mediocre overall for me. Alot of fights are just bland really, especially all of the starting bosses, and while some fights are fun, there’s also some fights that aren’t fun at all. The bosses I really enjoyed were Gaping Dragon, Ornstein and Smough, Gwyn Lord of Cinder, Knight Artorias and Black Dragon Kalameet. The bosses I despises were Capra Demon, The Bell Gargoyles, Dark Sun Gywndolin and The Bed of Chaos. The rest I’m either indifferent to or just find to not be interesting at all. Anyways I’m gonna talk about all of the named bosses here since they reflect the best and worst of Dark Souls fights and what they have to offer.

The Gaping Dragon is massive, which means it rewards paying attention to what it does, balancing an offensive and defensive manoeuvring and keeping the pressure on it as it does to you. I just really enjoyed bringing this huge monster down and the challenge of doing it with limited healing. It was a good fight to learn really and concluded The Depths in a very satisfactory way.

Ornstein and Smough might very well be the best boss in this game and one of the only scant few good gank boss fights in Souls. Their attacks compliment each other really well with Ornstein being fast, precise, nimble and very snappy as well as having a couple of ranged attacks. Smough is large, lumbering, slow, a heavy hitter and able to charge you. The whole fight is a patient balancing act of using their AI (to amusing effect) to work against them to block each other off and damage the one you want dead first. It’s a great test of camera control too. The second phase is great since when one dies, the other powers up using their fallen comrade. Smough gains lightning powers to give him some AOE effects and extra damage, while Ornstein becomes larger and gets some new moves like Smough’s. I beat them with Ornstein as the last to die, and thoroughly enjoyed the fight, learning the ins and outs, adapting accordingly. It was all good fun and really embodied the game in its’ challenge. 

Gwyn was a good final boss so good they reused him in the third game since he brought alot of things to the table that tested what you had learned. He could be parried, dodged, or blocked to good effect when used properly, he keeps the pressure on you, yet has drawn out animations for you to use as well. He’s all about being careful and pacing yourself, taking your opportunities and knowing when and when not to act in a certain way. Plus the sad music since you’re built up on this guy and his story and the world he’s built and ultimately he’s just a husk, a shell of who he was and so you lay him to rest and shoot his daughter in the tits with a Dragonslayer Greatbow because I have no restraint whatsoever.

Artorias is another sad character but the fight is amplified by it, Before you even face him you’re sort of built up on the heroic image of him, he has a grave guarded by a covenant, he fought the abyss, he has a giant wolf with a sword guarding his grave, you use his ring to fight the Four Kings and kind of finish what you think he started. He’s a bit of a hero that you build up in your mind as having done alot and having made an impact on the world, and so seeing him in Oolacile, corrupted by the very thing he fought just makes you pity him. The duel itself is good, I killed him quick so it was short but sweet. He fights pretty fairly, he’s fast and acrobatic, but his sword is still weighty and he has his pauses and openings. It’s a fairly fast paced duel that’s always rewarding to pull of well, and thematically, the hero of old being laid to rest by the hero of the present always had a sombre sort of vibe to it. A real standout of the DLC. 

I’m going to brag here but I beat Kalameet on my first try and I’m pretty proud of that even though I beat alot of bosses first try, this one was supposed to be one of the hardest in the game and I felt damn well accomplished beating him. As for the fight itself, the hitboxes are very tight, alot of care went into the moveset. Everything feels as fair as it can with a dragon, to me it’s a more ideal version of the Gaping Dragon fight, having a proper flow and balance to it with some breath and flying attacks to keep you on your toes but without the animations lasting for ages and ages Midir so it always remains interesting and fun to play. Plus Kalameet just downright looks cool. 

Capra Demon is just cheap. It has dogs to gank and interrupt you and the smallest boss arena that makes navigation and avoiding it an absolute pain. It’s also cheap that as you’re walking through the fog door it’s already lunging at you while you’re still locked into the animation. Not enough space to work with really, it’s just annoying and frustrating, especially the dogs.

Bell Gargoyles was for me the most annoying boss since the moveset was always hard for me to dodge, since most attacks where to dodge and when never seemed clear and the range it had was irritating. Then the second one arrived and Dark Souls has a major weakness here, almost every enemy encounter flat doesnt work in the game engine its in with the combat system its running with more than one enemy. If it’s not a hollow then all the attacks do is overlap and you cant actually use the openings correctly since the attacks are constantly ongoing and there is no moment you can get off an attack animation uninterrupted. Eventually I caved and summoned best waifu Solaire to distract one for me so the fight would function. 

Gwyndolin is a secret boss, but a bad one. He’s also a magic boss, and the other two mage bosses were the boring Moonlight Butterfly and the dull Seath the Scaleless. Gywndolin is the annoying one. The boss arena is a small hallway with pillars that loops. The snake fetish wizard spams ranged attacks at you and you run back and forth at him and get a hit or two in before he teleports ahead and you repeat. Range spam in Dark Souls is annoying and here it’s even worse, the damage is high and he has moves that go through and around the pillars, so you have an even harder time avoiding the spam. It’s just not fun or varied and very range spammy, like a Smash Bros 4 player.

The Bed of Chaos is the low point of Dark Souls. The boss is a gimmick fight. It sweeps at you with its branches that kill you easily, while you get to the 3 glowing spots at it to kill it and hack through the vines in your way. The floor also collapses from under you and the boss’ massive arms sweep you into it all the time with fuck all you can do about it. Once all the floor is gone and you’re on the final phase the last leap is utterly painful to time with all the arms trying to sweep you into the pit. It’s the polar opposite of fun, fair, challenging, and interesting. 

Also, special shoutout to the Asylum Demon for being fought 3 times. The first time in the beginning was fine, and rematching it in the return to the asylum was cute, but the third time in Demon Ruins was silly considering how uninteresting a moveset the boss has. FromSoftware do like their padding.

And now a mention on the DLC, Artorias of the Abyss, a great expansion to the game. It takes a previously visited area and gives it a new spin. Although the layout is initially linear it links around more and gives you a new perspective on something you’ve seen before. I don’t like the Santuary Guardian but at least its out of the way and dealt with early. Artorias is a fantastic part of the DLC and a good namesake. I like the design of Oolacile, how it twists and turns a bit, has things to discover, alot of varied encounters and the way it presents its enemies and has you learn them is pretty well done so you never feel bullshitted. That said the one encounter across the bridge after the shortcut elevator can go fuck itself. The descent into the Abyss is mystifying and eerie, but fairly unique and is a better done execution of the concept for the Tomb of Giants, all capped off with a frantic battle with Manus, also beaten first try, who moves fast and aggressive and really rewarded me for being a dodging and hard hitting fighter. There’s also the optional fight with Kalameet and overall I had a blast with the DLC, it did good to play it after Lost Izalith as it was really well designed and executed, there’s also little details like the elevator in the Chasm of the Abyss leading back up to the Royal Wood just outside of Artorias’ boss arena. Again, mimicking the main game’s design. The DLC really compliments Dark Souls, and emulates all of the things that made the first half of the game so good while providing its’ own experience that was well worth having and really added alot to the game as a whole.

So, final verdict on Dark Souls. The phrase “flawed masterpiece” is often used to describe it. I can see why but honestly I think it’s better to summarise it as more like this. The first half of Dark Souls, the majority of the game in fact, is a wonderful journey like no other, the level design, world design, combat systems and encounters, battles and feelings of progression that generate a little tale unique to the player themselves, overcoming the odds and enjoying the true adventure they experience, culminating in a grand level and a true challenge with Ornstein and Smough at Anor Londo is an absolute masterpiece and one of the best experiences one can have with a video game. However, the second half of the game is a large drop in quality, focusing on weaker areas and aspects of the game, going for gimmicks and not fully encapsulating the game’s strengths, abandoning the feeling of adventure and ultimately featuring weaker level design and encounters that does bring the overall quality of the game down. The first half of Dark Souls is a masterpiece, with nothing quite like it, the second half is not, and a hollow cry of the game. The DLC helps to redeem it in the end, but the damage is still done. Dark Souls is one of the best games ever made, yet still has its’ own faults that really bogs the experience down overall. That said, I still thoroughly enjoyed my time with the game beyond compare and don’t regret playing it at all. It was one hell of a ride and the best adventure I’ve ever been on. The world design was what really did it for me, since it’s, to me, a perfect middle ground between a linear world design and an open world. Linear worlds move you forward, but don’t connect and feel real, nor are they open enough to feel like a journey you’re making yourself across a real place, whereas open worlds have wonderful places to explore, but lack proper crafting, structure and balancing to the areas which can make playing them feel slightly dull or not too fleshed out of an experience. Games like Dark Souls, Digimon World and the Pokemon games prior to Black and White feature a move connected world design that really does lend itself to having a world that both feels good to explore and adventure in, while also having a solid level of craft to it that makes it truly enjoyable. In the end, Dark Souls is a great culmination of alot of good game design, and while not perfect, it’s damn great with alot to love and a real, tangible feeling of accomplishment, excitement, satisfaction and triumph evoked by it’s almost masterful execution for the majority of the experience. 

Dark Souls has easily become one of my favourite games ever made, and if you have an appreciation for video games, their craft, their design, the challenges they can offer and the experiences they can provide, then I wholeheartedly recommend it. If you’re more of a casual game player, but you want to get a bit deeper into the hobby, then if you’re willing to stick with the game and endure a high learning curve, then Dark Souls will give you that deeper appreciation for the artform of the medium of games by showing you what one of the best and most timeless experiences is like. 

Shame about that shitty sequel tho

[felicityb-reviews]

Review Roundup - Week 2 January 2018

Hello loves!! My name is Jace (aka Felicity B), and this is your Review Roundup for the second week of January 2018!! I can't really tell if I liked this week in music better than I did last week. There's a better variety songs, at least.

Beware (Stray Kids)

I really wanna like these kids, because it's obvious af that JYP does not.

But.

Nothing they've released has really been up my alley. Beware (I realize that the actual name of the song is GRRR Total Law of Madness, but sis...) sounds like a better produced version of Wolf, and you'd think that was a good thing because Wolf was a poorly produced mess. But this song takes itself so fucking seriously. It's not terrible, but it's not something I really want to listen to again.

I don't get JYP's angle with this group. First, there was the survival show that wasn't really a survival show (which I'm glad, because I fucking hate actual survival shows). And before that was Hellevator, another overly serious song that makes me roll my eyes. And now this. I really don't wanna be a dick because this is their second release and they're teenagers, but I'm not a fan of being growled at by a bunch of high schoolers and then having my ears assaulted by nasal singing (because, of course, their vocalists sound like they're trained by the same people who trained JB). It's not a fun experience.

Do betta, JYP.

Rating - 1/5

Going Going (Jang Wooyoung)

Oh look, it's another JYP act with a bad song!!

Okay, the song isn't that bad, but there's not enough positives for me to overlook the negatives. Of which there are many.

Firstly, this an uptempo that drags; I literally could not wait for the new section to begin, because I was ready for the last one to end. And this is New Jack Swing, baby. My black ass fucking loves New Jack Swing (yes, even The Boys). But I could give you an entire playlist of K-Pop songs in the style of NJS that are W A Y better than this.

Secondly, Wooyoung doesn't sound particularly good singing on top of it. The rap bits were the best parts of the song, for me. Which is about 90% not his fault, because whoever was on vocal production duties was slacking. His voice sounds like dude dropped them on the beat, adjusted the levels a lil bit, added some reverb to sound like he actually did his job, and went tf home.

Tragique.

Thirdly, the arrangement of this song is weird af. What do I mean by that?!?! There are two choruses. Yes honey, you read that correctly - two choruses. The song starts out with a section you'd assume is the chorus, but when you get to the second chorus, it's something completely different. In fact, you don't hear this first "chorus" till the end of the song again (which, in hindsight, I'm glad you only hear it twice, because the lyrics make me roll my eyes so hard and the vocal melody has the weirdest rhythm pattern). I guess that's not too weird when I write it out, but it majorly throws you off when you hear it play out in the song. For me, anyway. Which is surprising, because Red Light and I Got A Boy are All Time Faves™ of mine (with Oh! being a runner up). But I guess I just don't like it here.

#PickyBitch

And since we're on the subject of the arrangement... WHY ARE THESE TRANSITIONS SO FUCKING LONG?!?!?!!?! SIS, THE TRANSITIONS BETWEEN SECTIONS DON'T NEED TO BE 10 FUCKING SECONDS LONG!!! THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE!!

Once again - Do betta, JYP.

Rating - 2/5

Don't Leaves (Block B)

And here come the ballads!! We're not mad at it, tho.

We all knew what kind of ballad Don't Leave Me was gonna be. More of a midtempo than an actual ballad, Don't Leave Me sounds a bit like a B1A4 or Seventeen song, but with Block B's track record as of late, we're not gonna dock points for that. Don't Leave Me starts out with a filtered percussion section that they unfilter for about 2.75 seconds before getting into the verse, almost as if they're reassuring us that they haven't gonna completely left of center with this ballad. Which is nice, because it creates a nice transition (not the word I'm working for, but you get what I mean) into the verse. And from there, they layer in more elements to create a nice backdrop for Block B's vocalists to actually show us what they can do.

Because God knows Shall We Dance was literally Zico and the boys. It was fucking ridiculous.

From the teasers, I thought I was gonna hate this (or be extremely apathetic to it ) but I should've known better. These B1A4 style/YG template ballads always get me, sooner or later (*WINN4R cackling as Fool plays in the background*). This isn't something I'm gonna put into Heavy Rotation (because God only knows my hyperempathetic ass doesn't need another reason to randomly be thrust into a depressive episode), but I wouldn't relegate this to Shuffle Bait.

Especially with Zico and P.O sounding as good as they do here. Granted, Zico sings half his verse and P.O doesn't rap at all, but you gotta take those small victories where you can find them. And they have really nice singing voices, too.

Rating - 4/5

The girl from back then (LONG:D)

This, however, is a ballad that's going right into Shuffle Bait. If I even download it, at all.

Where is the LONG:D that gave me All Night, sis?!?!?! The intro literally sounds like the Sad Piano Music™ that Youtubers download en masse from those royalty free music sites. Like, I was literally tempted to skip this release all together, but I rather like the way LONG:D's vocalist sounds (if Baekhyun was a properly trained and a baritone who actually needed all that chestiness in his mix, with a dash of Kang Seung Yoon's rasp).

The girl from back then sounds like a more generic version of Seventeen's Campfire. It's not what I'd consider a classical ballad (has too much going on), but it's just as boring as one. On repeat listens, the Gospel influences (however faint they are) did grow on me, but I can't even see myself wanting to listen to this when I'm in the mood for downtempo ballads. LONG:D's voice puts this into Shuffle Bait, but just barely.

It's too anybody of a ballad, sis.

Rating - 2.5/5

Tell Me (INFINITE)

Dongwoo's demonic ass starting this song with a whispered "Anywhere, Anytime" should have prepared me for how catchy this fucking song was gonna be.

Tell Me, like Wooyoung's Going Going, starts off with the chorus. But instead of giving us two different choruses when no one needed that in their life, it makes a very typical pop song sound a lot more interesting than it actually is.

Now... What Tell Me's composers/producers did isn't original by any stretch of the imagination. I know it seems a little counterproductive to mention this before I explain what they did (and why it's so cool), but I just know someone is going to try me on this.

So.

Tell Me (after Dongwoo terrorizes us with the raspiness in his voice) starts with the chorus, but a very stripped back and simplistic version of it. If you're not paying attention (which I might not have been the first time I listened), you could easily mistake it for the verse. That surprised me, because composers/producers don't usually start out their songs with the chorus being sung, if they have the chorus first; they usually play the chorus melody using some kind of instrument that sounds important (like Orange Caremel's Magic Girl, for example). Tthey'll also usually have it going at full intensity, so when it switches to the verse it's very obvious that what you just experienced was the chorus (since that's usually the most important aspect of the song in pop music).

So yeah, nothing too left field, just an interesting twist on an oft used formula.

Outside of that, this song is a very typical INFINITE title track. Very intensity, much dramas. Which I don't hate, because they're one of three groups in K-Pop who can do a song like this, and not bore me to death.

Rating - 4.5/5

Secret Garden (Oh My Girl)

Secret Garden is Orchestral Pop. It's not just typical, it's cliche af. Even IU, circa 2010, wouldn't have touched this with a 10ft pole.

But God save us all, I really like this song. And it's not even that I'm OMG trash (their anti-South Asian foolery during Windy Day era, combined with my general disinterest with anything they've done since then, stopped that right in it's track), but that chorus melody, sis. It's just so G O O D!! That, combined with the sweet, almost milk chocolatey texture of the instrumentation makes me feel like I'm floating. And you know what, 2018 is all about me livin my best Gife™ (Gay Life), but it's also about me being self-indulgant and liking what I like, no guilt attached.

I will say that I wish that this song had more live instrumentation in it. Those strings are definitely synth generated, and it's kind of distractingly obvious. The percussion is also too heavy for this type of song. It feels like I'm listening to a demo that OMG's company decided to send to a mastering house and release, cause they couldn't be fucked to work on the song anymore. It doesn't ruin it for me, but I can't help but notice these things.

Rating - 3/5

Glow (Choi Jaemin featuring EZ KIM)

Glow is a Sad™ song for Sad Days™. This is a song that throws down a blanket of it's angst and just revels in it. And while that isn't something I'm trying to listen to On The Daily™, I can save this for for those really bad days I just need to cry out those ugly emotions.

Contrary to what I said about Secret Garden, Glow is a song I felt like could have been beefed up by some electronic elements. The bass could have been thickened up in post, because it feels too limp for a song like this. Hell, they could added a low af ass sine bass to sumplement the bassist, and I wouldn't have minded. Overall, the production of this song is very loose. And I get that super tight production in an emotive song like this would have bleached out all the emotion, but more could have been done to tighten up how the elements don't really blend together. Especially the vocalists. They don't really fit together like they should, and I guess that kind of enhances the experience since this song feels like one long ass disonant chord, but still.

Teenage me would have played this song to death. Which makes me glad that I'm not that person anymore.

Rating - 3/5

Lonely (Jo Kwon)

See... I wanted to be petty, and just post his dance videos with Lia Kim, but we're trying to be a better person in 2018.

This is a really nice ballad. Not something I'd put on Heavy Rotation (i feel like a fucking broken record), but if he H A D to do a classical ballad, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I'd have preferred a ballad like his duet with Gain, Q&A, but it was nice of Mr Kwon to remind us plebians that while he is a Dancing Diva™, he did get his start as a ballad singer.

I'm gonna need him to throw it back to his Animal days for the next release, tho. This was nice and all, but I need to see him featuring in Hyuna's next comeback with those shiny red boots and a trope of male dancers.

Also in red heels.

Rating - 3/5

Candy Pop! (TWICE)

Firstly, can I just say that TWICE's Japanese team are R E AL L Y giving these girls the push to be huge, because this video is ridiculously high budget. That is the best animation I've seen in a J-Pop music video. And I used to be a huge J-Pop stan before I got into K-Pop.

Secondly, whoever put that pink monstrosity on my girl, Sana, needs to be fired. I just can't, sis.

Do betta, JYP.

Lots of people are not a fan of Candy Pop, and I can't lie - that's partially why I like it so much. I will admit that I'm a sucker for cutesy pop tracks like these, but I'm also a petty bitch who's no stranger to loudly stanning TWICE because people want to talk shit out the side of their mouths about their supposed lack of talent.

News flash Marleigh/Zeno - the concept of talent in K-Pop literally doesn't fucking matter, because your level of talent does not dictate the kind of music you produce. Groups like SPICA and Mamawhomst Mamamoo have songs that vary wildly in quality, because some of the people they've worked with get lazy af when they work with vocal groups.

Anyway, Candy Pop will do just fine in Japan, because TWICE already have a sizable following there and it fits within the sonic landscape. It also has some pretty cool musical twists, like a halftime break for a post-chorus refrain. I definitely like One More Time better (Candy Pop can get aurally tiring pretty quickly because of that chorus, which is why that post-chorus breakdown is appreciated), but Candy Pop is pretty great, too.

Rating - 4/5

Spotlight (MONSTA X)

Monsta X may have revisited their debut sound, but I don't want to stab them all for it. It's a Christmas miracle!!

Spotlight is Monsta X doin' what Monsta X does best - intense trapstep uptempos with choreography to match. The difference between something like this and Trespass (*shudder*) is that they're taking themselves W A Y less seriously. They look like they're having fun ruining our lives with how hot they are, and even though Spotlight isn't something I'd describe as ~fun~, that still translates to the music.

Spotlight was quite the surprise for me when Universal Japan dropped the video on us. Mostly because it was a Japanese release with a full MV on Youtube (don't look at me like that, Japanese companies are allergic to digital releases actually making sense), but also because I had no idea MX was in Japan.

Spotlight is a banger. It brings me joy to see MX showing their sons how to make music like this and not be absolutely boring or pretentious af. This song is definitely going on Heavy Rotation.

Rating - 4.5/5

Stagger (Cheetah)

This song makes me extremely uncomfortable.

And I get that that was the point, with the video featuring Cheetah in various states of intoxication, but... God, I just feel so fucking unsettled anytime I listen to this song. It feels Wrong™. I get the concept (it's actually pretty cool), but you can't just be outchea makin' songs that no one wants to listen to more than once. That makes no sense, sis.

How does one even describe this song?!?!?! First, there's that horn (I think) sample that has been manipulated to all fuck. There's no way in hell they just copy n pasted that from somewhere with it sounding like that. That's like the base of the song. And then you've got that stilted drum machine patterns, combined with parts of the song playing in reverse. Cheetah almost doesn't fit in this song with how sharp her rapping is, but it works (I guess), because it adds to the disonant atmosphere of the track.

I'm here for artistry and experimentation in popular music circles, but can we make songs that people can actually, you know... LISTEN TO?!?!?!?!?!?

I will say that I'm here for the preview she showed at the end of the video, tho. Ma'am outchea givin us High Fashion Butch™ with a tropical beat, and my wig was instantly in tatters.

Rating - 1/5

20th Century (V.E.I.L)

Idk who V.E.I.L is, but I love this song.

The quickest way to get me into your band is to give me New Wave. Or NuDisco. Or Deep House. Or Lo Fi Electronica (like 20th Century). To be honest, you could give me any number of throwbacks to the '80s or '90s, and I'd fucking love you.

But that's neither here nor there.

20th Century is a fun af song, and I wonder when this became such an oddity in K-Pop. Companies these days (as well as stans) are obsessed with perfection in their groups, at the cost of personality. And granted, it's always kind of been this way, but it's at an all time high these days. Every group performs like a well oiled machine. Which is great. But they look like robots. And with the music these agencies give their groups, it's not a pleasant experience. Very rarely is a terrible one, but at least when it's bad, it registers a reaction.

Anyway, 20th Century sounds like something I'd expect from the Polysics (now that's a throwback to my weeb days, if I've ever seen one), but more on the electronic side. It's got that same Lo Fi/'90s feel to it, but it's dressed up in '80s synthpop. Which is never a bad thing. A part of me almost wonders what this song would be like if an idol group promoted it, but she quickly hushes up when my logical side reminds her an idol group would never promote anything with production this Lo Fi.

I mean, there's TAHITI's Tonight, but sis... Let's not kick 9muses 2.0 while they're down.

Rating - 4/5

Butterfly (Weki Meki)

Fascinating how Weki Meki had to have their comeback delayed because of trouble with a shareholder, but they were able to push out this song for the Winter Olympics.

But I'm sleep, tho.

Weki Meki's Butterfly is a cover of the 2009 OST for the film Take Off, originally by Loveholics. Weki Meki's cover was released in honour of the 2018 Winter Olympic Games.

Um... I like Weki Meki's cover more than the original.

Weki Meki's cover is in the style of synthpop, and that fits the chord progressions and song structure a lot more than the pop/rock arrangement of the original. It also brings out the nostalgic vibes of the song, because these types of chord progressions were used very heavily in the '80s/'90s. After listening to Weki Meki's cover, the original just sounds flat and poorly produced. Which I mean, K-Pop didn't really have good production till about 2013/2014.

So.

The video linked above doesn't feature the full song, so here's a lyrics video that does.

Rating - 4/5

Electric Kiss (EXO)

Yes, I do realize this song has been floating around the EXOnet since around November, but I haven't seen an official release featuring the full song till this dance practice. And I've been wanting to cover this forever.

You guys, tell me why I thought EXO was really about to throw some 5th Harmony/BO$$ type shit down with that intro?!!?! I really thought I was about to get EXO outchea, flexin' on these heauxs, but maybe we aren't ready for alladat. Lordt knows the way EXO L reacted to Lotto shows it.

But that's neither here nor there, sis. What matters is how amazing Electric Kiss is. She starts out strong with heavy brass stabs and an even heavier drum beat, and only builds from there. Miss Kiss is not playin' games with us, ladies. She might not have been the BO$$ style flex that I thought she was gonna be, but that doesn't mean she's a slouch, neither.

When teasers for a Japanese EXO album turned up on SM's YT channel (which makes no fucking sense, but okay, girl), I was iffy. With singles out like Love Me Right ~romantic universe~ (as if adding a subtitle would make that song any better) and Coming Home, I was not hopeful. But Electric Kiss bangs harder than anything EXO has released since Call Me Baby. I never would have expected a Japanese EXO campaign to net me music this good with how bad their Japanese singles have are, but I really should've known better. EXO has always thrown down when it comes to the music, and Electric Kiss is a certified B A N G E R!!

I was tempted to put this in the Fabulous Five, but the songs there deserve to be, so...

Rating - 4.5/5

Refresh (TSUN featuring YUMADA)

So I see y'all just gon' hit me with the a sexier version of Blah!??!?!?! We really doin' that, sis?!?!?!

Alright, sis... Don't be mad when you see these rough ass body rolls.

Refresh, like I mentioned above, is a sexier version of Planetarium's Blah. It's the same kind Tropic/RnB hybrid arrangement, but the instrumentation is more Tropical than RnB. Miss TSUN's singing definitely gives Refresh an RnB vibe, tho. The production here is a little loose, but it's not too glaring obvious.

Rating - 3.5/5

The Fabulous Five

5. Timeless (Jaehyun, Doyoung, and Taeil of NCT U)

Firstly, I need someone to tell me what song this sounds like, because it's been bothering me since release. These chords sound vaguely familar to me, I just can't tell what song Timeless shares them with.

Moving on.

When SM annouced that the NCT U Trio were making a comeback with a ballad for SM Station, I was not pleased. Station ballads are notorious for being lackluster af, and I was annoyed that SM really wanted this to be the song that followed Lower.

This is me eating my words.

I'm a little blown away at how amazing this turned out. NCT is a "group" (if you can even call them that) that has always come as more machine than man, so a ballad release (especially a Station ballad release) is the opposite of what I wanted from them. But they sound so raw and vulnerable here, it's a little heartbreaking.

Doyoung, Taeil, and Jaehyun are all very nice vocalists, but it is clear that Taeil is the main vocal of this unit, sis. Like... A bitch really started tearing up during his parts!! Doyoung and Jaehyun have the technical skill, but Taeil was really outchea singin' for his life!! And his belts are so nice?!?!? Fuck... He's really giving Taeyong a run for his money as my NCT bias, and I don't need this.

I can see why they wanted to do a live video here - K-Pop producers have a tendency to overdo the vocal production when doing studio recordings. And while that results in perfect vocals, it comes at the cost of any emotion or integrity in the vocal performance. And for an artform like K-Pop where the ability to emote isn't high up on the list of requirements for idols, that's a big fucking deal. Especially when ballads are usually used as more of a way to show off vocal ability than what they're supposed to. Which is kind of ironic, considering most main/lead vocalists have shit technique, and are usually picked for their ability to belt really powerfully (read - holler real loud).

I definitely would not have liked this if it was studio recorded. Yes, they're recording this *in* a studio (them vocals is too clean, sis), but... Y'all know what the fuck I mean!!

Rating - 5/5

4. Full Moon (Dreamcatcher)

Dreamcatcher said in a recent interview that they do enjoy their sound, and most of the members (literally everyone except one; and even then, she just wanted to branch out a lil) would like if they could go darker. So I guess this is their agency honoring that.

Full Moon is a very typical Dreamcatcher song (which makes sense, since this is their anniversary release) with symphonic elements mixed within a heavy rock backdrop, which gives off the vibe of heavier J-rock and VISUAL KEI songs. And you wouldn't think that would make for a very pop friendly song, but their composers/producers use very pop-friendly chord progressions and song arrangements. Add in the members of Dreamcatcher (who have voices that are very suited to pop music), and you have a formula that shouldn't work. But it does.

It works, oh so well.

The video linked above doesn't feature the full song (I'm guessing they're gonna release the full video with their March comeback, because the song is already out in full), so here's their performance at their fan meeting that does.

Rating - 5/5

3. I'm all ears (Kim Taeyeon)

I'm all ears is a song from Taeyeon's Christmas album (which I might have downloaded, but never listened to). I'm guessing the video release is a gift to the fans type dealio, because she's not promoting it.

I find it interesting that I'm all ears was included on a Christmas themed album, because it feels springy. In fact, this song almost feels like Taeyeon heard Jessica's Because It's Spring, and decided that she wanted to make her own version. Which I'm cool with, because I like I'm all ears better. I like when Taeyeon gives us light and airy. Beltyeon is annoying, because her belts sound pinched and nasal. And Taeyeon relies on them far too much to cover up the fact that she can't emote very well with her voice.

But this is good.

I'm definitely putting this song on Heavy Rotation. I know, #Shocking. But if anyone peeped how I was fawned over Twenty Something from last week's list, it really shouldn't be that surprising.

Rating - 5/5

2. Love You (Eom Ji Hee)

Now this is a real throwback to my youth days (don't ask, I'm not about to become That Kind™ of blog).

There's something so... Nice™ about hearing something this raw and unmastered, especially since we're so used to hearing such high production values in K-Pop. And I know I've clocked other songs on these lists for having loose production, but the difference is that this is SUPPOSED to be low production; this is literally a girl singing with her backing band with a camera on. I could point out all the things "wrong" here, but they don't really take away from the performance. The songs I've clocked for being low production, however, were studio recorded affairs that missed the mark. And granted, not everyone can afford to send their shit to a professional mastering house, but it's not hard to get harmonies to sit nicely in the mix.

Anyway, this is another song that sounds real familiar (I'm pretty sure this is a cover, because even the vocal melody sounded familar, and that's a big fuckin no no), but it sounded real nice. This is musics I'm trynna listen to on good days when I can't sleep. The video is even perfect for it, with it's starry projection on the band!!

Rating - 5/5

1. Diamond Girl (MxM BRANDNEWBOYS)

Remember how I said you could give me any kind of throwback to the '80s and/or '90s, and I'd be happy?!?!?!

Diamond Girl is exactly what I'm talking about.

Diamond Girl is a funky n (most importantly) fun throwback to the '90s (with a little bit of '80s synth work thrown on top for good measure). The bass work is a highlight for me, and that damn "my diamond girl" hook won't leave me the fuck alone. That, and the "treat you like a gentlemen, like a gentlemen" (which is literally the same rhythmic pattern and interval as Chuu's "you attack my heart, you attack my heart" in Heart Attack) refrain are certified ear worms. Even the biggest pop haters couldn't resist those lines getting stuck in their head.

Like... I really don't know how to describe what I like about this song. Sure, I picked some stuff out, but that's just the tip of the iceburg. This song is balls to the walls A M A Z I N G!!!

2018 is the year of groups with lackluster debuts making amazing comebacks, I guess.

Rating - 5/5

Alright, babies, that's it for this week!! Don't forget to tune in on Friday for the next installment in my Jonghyun tribute with the first SHINee Feature Spotlight at 6pm EST, and next week at 6pm EST for this week's Review Roundup. Love you, guys!!