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johannesviii · 5 years

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Top 12 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 2013

The best year in a trio of awesome years for hits. So awesome, in fact, I had to leave several excellent songs out of the list, even with two additional slots, and limit the list to songs I actually put on my mp3 player at one point or another.

What’s that? People usually call it a bad year? Well screw them.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

The year I stopped working in Paris, found a job closer to home that finally made me feel helpful in the grand scheme of things, and I finally had more free time. Goodbye daily trains. I also went to some concerts! This never happened before.

2013: also the year when just about every band and artist I liked decided to make a good album. Except Depeche Mode. Depeche Mode made Delta Machine. It wasn’t great. But, uh, let’s see, Placebo made Loud Like Love (with the fantastic A Million Little Pieces), VNV Nation made Transnational, Daft Punk made Random Access Memories... Nine Inch Nails came back with Hesitation Marks, which is pretty great with a couple of fantastic songs. Lady Gaga made the vastly underrated ArtPop! Even Eminem made a pretty decent album! Eminem! In the year of our lord 2013! And The 1975 made their debut album. They would eventually become one of my favorite bands of the 2010s, but not yet, though. And Indochine redeemed themselves by releasing Black City Parade, their absolute best album of the decade.

However, despite Indochine’s excellent effort and the return of Nine Inch Nails, the album of the year, at least to me, was Kveikur by Sigur Rós. At that point, I had been following their stuff for ten years, and this album still blew my goddamn mind. It’s so heavy and dark and so different from what they had been doing since Agaetis Byrjun. It’s loud and textured and industrial and yet, there’s so much light above the dark. They out-NIN’ed Nine Inch Nails. There isn’t a single track I don’t love on this album. It’s their best one in my humble opinion.

As far as unelligible songs go, boy, where do I start. Uh. Copy of A and Came Back Haunted (Nine Inch Nails), certainly, A Million Little Pieces (Placebo) as I already mentioned, Memoria and College Boy (Indochine - I’m actually shocked they aren’t on the French top 100), Chocolate by The 1975, and most infuriating of all, Castle of Glass by Linkin Park, which is imho their best song of the 2010s. Oh well.

But there’s still a shit ton of stuff which was elligible but didn’t make the list. Here’s a lot of honorable mentions. There were like ten more of them initially, mind you.

Sirens Call (Cats On Trees) - You know how in just about every top ten post I’ve made so far, there’s a song where I’m like “if I had better taste this would be higher”? This is this song for 2013.

Don’t You Worry Child (Swedish House Mafia) - Catchy but borderline annoying. Still very good.

Counting Stars (One Republic) - This is so happy and catchy. More songs like this nowadays, please.

I Cry (Flo Rida) - Still elligible. Still great. Still not on the list.

Ho Hey (The Lumineers) - Same thing here, sadly.

Animals (Martin Garrix) - I called Bangarang from the previous list a perfect stim song, and this is in the same ballpark. Not as good, but great shapes and colors all around.

Berserk (Eminem) - That song has a lot of really bad lines, but also a lot of much needed energy, it’s a ton of fun, and I love the “say f█ck it before you kick the bucket” part of the chorus. I was so glad to hear Eminem having fun again. Would certainly have made the list in a more mediocre year. Not the most infuriating thing I had to leave out of the list, though.

Radioactive (Imagine Dragons) - THIS IS IT THE APOCALYPSE OH WOHO no I don’t have anything intelligent to say, it’s just great.

Best Song Ever (One Direction) - This is my favorite song from that band. It might be because it sounds suspiciously like Baba O’Riley. If you think I’m gonna complain about people ripping off good songs, please check my entry about I Gotta Feeling by The Black Eyed Peas a few top 10s before this one.

Wait. Waiiit. What if the “best song ever” they can’t remember in the lyrics WAS Baba O’Riley?? Wouldn’t that be the best meta song ever? What do you think? I mean, that one could indeed claim the title of best song ever.

Get Lucky (Daft Punk) - I know. I know. But I couldn’t put it on the list. It’s not my favorite song from the album, it was overplayed, and even if it’s extremely good it stays roughly at the same level for the entirety of the song. I love it, but I had to draw the line somewhere and cut the list. I didn’t want to make another top 15.

Carry On (fun.) - This was the last cut from the list. It was a really painful one. Not my favorite song from them, but still very, very good.

There’s been lists where I had to put filler. If I had to put actual grades to them, some songs I put on some lists would get a 6/10 or even a 5/10 for really bad years (looking at you 1990). Sometimes, I had to put stuff I’d grade 7/10 as high as #3.

If I had to grade this 2013 list according to my personal taste in music, #12 would get an 8/10, #11 would get a 9/10, and everything in the top ten would either be a 9,5 or a 10. No joke. That’s how good that year was for hits.

Let’s go.

12 - My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light’Em Up) (Fall Out Boy)

US: #40 / FR: Not on the list

There you have it. Three songs from a band I consider pretentious asshats ended on my lists. Including this one, in a year where I decided to severely limit my options for songs. And at the time? I thought it was just an okay song, way too slow but okay. Not great. At all.

It took it about three whole years to grow on me, and it also took me a while to actually know what it was about, and as I said previously, framing is everything ; knowing this song basically said “we’re back, and we’ve changed, and you’re not gonna like it so you’re gonna feel betrayed and you’re gonna burn your old posters, and in the end you’re also gonna betray us” makes it a lot, lot better. I especially love the “Burn everything you love then burn the. ashes” line with the weird pause for emphasis.

It just goes stomp, stomp, stomp. It’s heavy. You can’t dance to it. You can’t even have fun while listening to it. But you can certainly stomp along, and feel angry, and, yes, betrayed, and three years after 2013, I certainly needed that kind of song. A lot. You know exactly why.

11 - Burn (Ellie Goulding)

US: Not on the list / FR: #54

I discovered Doctor Who at the very, very end of 2013, and for some reason I associate this song with Martha’s journey during the year that never was at the end of S3, trying to convince the entire Earth to fight back against the Master. That’s all I have to say about this song. It’s great.

10 - Instant Crush (Daft Punk ft Julian Casablancas)

US: Not on the list / FR: #26

So yep, Get Lucky isn’t my favorite song on Random Access Memories, and thank you French charts for allowing me to put this one on the list instead.

Like a ton of people, I couldn’t figure out what the chorus was, apart from a couple of isolated words, and that felt exactly like being 10 and trying to decipher songs with my limited English. And then I checked the lyrics, and they were mostly variations on “I don’t want to be alone” and they rhyme “go” with “go”, so, uh, nothing of value was lost that day. And it still sounds fantastic.

9 - Applause (Lady Gaga)

US: #37 / FR: #66

Yes, there’s some really stupid shit in the lyrics and the theme of the song itself isn’t particularly inspiring, but that chorus is a happy burst of fuzzy bright angular shapes, and it’s so energetic it feels like you could phase through walls by sheer force of will while listening to it. It would be even higher if the lyrics were better, I swear.

8 - Papaoutai (Stromae)

US: Not on the list / FR: #4

And the boss of cleverly written hit songs strikes again. Pretty sure that one, like Alors On Danse, is well known even if you don’t speak French. As I understand it, apparently French teachers like to use it in class. But yeah, just in case: it’s a song about his absent father. My favorite part:

Un jour ou l'autre on sera tous papas (One day or another we’ll be dads) Et d'un jour à l'autre, on aura disparu (And one day or the next, we’ll be gone) Serons-nous détestables? (Will we be despicable?) Serons-nous admirables? (Will we be admirable?) Des géniteurs ou des génies (Parents or geniuses) Dites-nous qui donne naissance aux irresponsables? (Tell us who birthes irresponsible people?) Ah, dites-nous qui, tiens (Ah, tell us who ; weird) Tout le monde sait comment on fait des bébés (Everybody knows how to make babies) Mais personne ne sait comment on fait des papas (But nobody knows how to make dads)

And it’s also horribly catchy. And it was kind of a meme here. It was everywhere. I’m surprised it wasn’t even higher than that on the French year end top 100.

7 - Underwater (Mika)

US: Not on the list / FR: #70

Why do I love this song so much even though I usually hate songs like that. This is the kind of romantic bullshit Robbie Williams does, and for the record I absolutely hate Angels, and Underwater even sounds a bit like Angels, and it also has the same kind of corny central metaphor. So. Why do I love Underwater again? How can I justify this? I’ve got no clue.

We don’t deserve Mika.

6 - I Need Your Love (Calvin Harris ft Ellie Goulding)

US: #56 / FR: #51

By now you must all be extremely tired of reading me describing songs in visual ways but this song is the sound equivalent of some sort of light show mixed with Dance Dance Revolution patterns. It’s incredibly kinetic and full of joyful, glittering energy, and I love it so goddamn much.

As a 90s kid who loved eurodance, I’m incredibly grateful this kind of music still exists and is still charting.

5 - Treasure (Bruno Mars)

US: #30 / FR: #23

Speaking of nostalgia. Well, not really, since I wasn’t born in the era this is trying to mimic, but still. I don’t have anything to say about this, apart maybe from the fact this is the song that finally made me like Bruno Mars.

4 - Hey Brother (Avicii)

US: Not on the list / FR: #18

I already mentioned how much I loved Avicii’s music when I briefly talked about Levels, and Hey Brother is even better. As you might know I have a little brother and as it is often the case with siblings we fought a bit but we also shared a lot of things, and games, and weird private jokes, and yeah that song can occasionally make me cry a fair bit if I’m being honest.

Also, it’s kind of my main theme song for Charley and C’rizz, so, yeah, it’s just another layer of Feelings(tm).

3 - I Will Wait (Mumford & Sons)

US: #52 / FR: Not on the list

As you might have noticed, there’s one genre that is conspicuously absent from my lists as far as the US hit songs are concerned, and that’s country. I’ve got nothing against country music, I just rarely find it visually interesting. Now I do like folk rock on the other hand, but its big era is long gone, and it’s quite rare to hear anything from it in the charts nowadays. I liked Ho Hey by the Lumineers, but I always thought it was a little bit too slow.

And then I found Babel by Mumford & Sons at the library, gave it a try, loved it, felt like discovering a modern band version of Bob Dylan with simpler lyrics, and this isn’t my favorite song on the album and it’s still at #3 on this list. Quality, man, just quality.

My favorite song from the album is Lover of the Light, by the way.

2 - Can’t Hold Us (Macklemore & Ryan Lewis)

US: #5 / FR: #8

Sometimes you need angry fight songs, sometimes you need energetic fight songs, and sometimes you need happy fight songs. And when something combines the last two, it’s like you caught a star in a Mario game and you’re f█cking unstoppable.

If Macklemore doesn’t get more hit songs at some point in the near future I’m gonna punch a wall.

1 - Roadgame (Kavinsky)

US: Not on the list / FR: #44

This song has no music video. It was still an enormous hit.

As you may recall, I already said once or twice that I liked to hang out at the disc store after class while I was in highschool and uni, and it still happened regularly after I started to work. Even nowadays, if I had a really, really bad day, there’s a good chance I’ll go there and spend at least an hour there just listening to stuff.

So here I was, one fine (actually bad) day, and this song was playing, and I was mesmerised, and for the first time ever, I felt the need to find a vendor and ask what was playing. I found one and the guy instantly beamed and went “oooooh I picked that album to play it in the store today! :D That’s Kavinsky, he’s great, here, have a listen” but it was already getting late so... I trusted him and basically bought the album blind.

Best decision ever. On top of being one of the best albums of the 2010s, OutRun is a concept album presented as if it was the soundtrack of a movie that never existed, about a young guy getting killed in a car crash in 1986 and somehow fusing with his car mentally and reappearing as some sort of technological zombie in 2006. And Roadgame is one of the best songs on the album if not the best. Well, my favorite song on it is actually Testarossa Autodrive, but you get my point.

I was like “there’s no way this is going to be big”, and I was dead wrong, thankfully. As a big fan of electronic music full of lights and flashes and colors but with dark overtones, I couldn’t be happier about this being one of the sounds of the year. Just fantastic stuff.

It’s 2020, man. Please drop that second album. We’re ready to have our minds blown all over again. Just do it.

Also, thank you random vendor from the disc store.

Next up: I have no idea why some people call 2014 a really bad year for hit songs tbh

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post #eye contact tw

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thesinglesjukebox · 4 years

Video

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AVA MAX - KINGS & QUEENS

[5.40]

A jack of all trades?

Jackie Powell: For many, Ava Max has struggled to distinguish herself. She has similar artistic idiosyncrasies to Lady Gaga but a vocal that soars in a similar trajectory to Marina. The confidence and attitude of her delivery could draw even with Dua Lipa. In 2020 Max returns with "Kings & Queens," another solo single. But this one has been promoted and packaged as the lead single for her first full-length LP, which still remains to be seen and is untitled to the public. While I could blame the spitfire single releases post-"Sweet But Psycho" on Atlantic Records -- who are notorious for stringing their artists along on a topsy-turvy release orbit -- putting out a potential pop Kraken in "Kings & Queens" reminds us of how Max can continue to differentiate herself within dancefloor pop circles. Her lyrics are witty, and especially on this cut, she's not afraid to sell and go all-in on an extended metaphor about gender, power, and nobility: "And you might think I'm weak without a sword/But if I had one, it'd be bigger than yours." The written visualization carries into the music video treatment and into how the cut sounds. Max lays on a throne accompanied by a sword and then she's seen knocking down the King on a life-size chess set. The most memorable audible moment is the Brian May "Killer Queen"-esque guitar solo that supersedes the second chorus and then picks up again in the high energy outro. Her messaging is a strength, but her operatic pop vocal is sometimes drowned out by Cirkut's glossy production. Eight other writers developed this melody. So how does Max break through and become a pop heavyweight? She ought to stick to her strengths and not force her weaknesses. "Sweet But Psycho" was no fluke. Max has something to say, and she ought to continue her cheeky metaphors that are sometimes extended, while discontinuing the eight-piece factory that brainstormed ten "different versions" of this melody. [7]

Will Adams: There are aspirations toward big '80s cheese -- the chorus lifted from Bon Jovi by-way-of Bonnie Tyler; those rad electric guitars -- but it's mostly the same wan Gaga pastiche, only enhanced by the presence of RedOne. Even Gaga is releasing better early-Gaga-era music at this point. [5]

Leah Isobel: This is garish as hell, but that's a positive -- the borrowed melody solidifies Ava as a committed Max-imalist, a Meat Loaf for the Spotify era. But transposing those over-the-top sonics into circa-2010 ~empowerment~ sort of defeats the purpose. Like, yeah, being a woman is hard work, and love is, indeed, a battlefield; for the artists and songs she's referencing, these truths were just background. Here, that subtext is plain text, and as a result there's nowhere for the song to build. Ava is left swinging at shadows with her non-existent sword. [5]

Kayla Beardslee: You Give Feminism a Bad Name. [3]

Scott Mildenhall: It is indeed a shot through the heart -- when Ava Max homages, she homages with a big sign saying she's done it. What's better yet is that "Kings & Queens" never seeks to reframe its obvious inspiration through any kind of lens. No layer of archness is required for something which is and always was arch by itself. Instead, this has all the wit and confusion of "Paparazzi" with even more punch. While Gaga's recent retrospectacle was immensely satisfying, here is a step further: a glimpse into a world in which she denied all impulse to develop, and kept making songs like this forever and ever. [8]

Kylo Nocom: Attempts to project conservatism onto willfully silly mainstream pop like this and Meghan Trainor always fall flat because it's hardly any more offensive than most other acceptable brands of pop-feminism. Ava has the voice to give a song as silly as this the needed royal-drama, and the guitars are killer. If Ava is really the fake-Gaga her detractors want her to be, then she's doing a killer job. Besides, I always preferred "The Queen" to Born This Way's failed experiments. [7]

Oliver Maier: Max's songcraft is simple, but effective enough to justify her wildly irresponsible metaphor mixing (she's a queen, but also a dragon at one point, and also maybe Robyn's pal who arrived at the club a bit late). The harmonised guitar solo and the bridge are the wrong way around, but the former is a welcome anachronism and the latter gets extra credit for being 50% extremely literal chess rules. [6]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: Robyn in 2010: "I keep dancing on my own." Ava Max in 2020: "You're not dancing on your own." Who do you think I'm gonna side with? [3]

Joshua Lu: On paper, "Kings & Queens" should be one of the kookiest pop songs of the year. Listening just brings so many questions to mind; why an electric guitar breakdown right into a downtempo bridge, without any kind of transition? Why do so many of these lines not even try to rhyme? Was this whole monarchy theme employed just for that dick size joke? Or was it just for that chess example? And most importantly: Why is this song, despite all of these disparate elements, so utterly bland? [4]

Alex Clifton: A perfect bite-size pocket of sugar with Eurodance synths and a chorus that'll cling to my brain for the next week. I'm a simple girl with extremely basic needs and while this isn't the greatest song in the universe, it will fit perfectly on my "list of dance songs for quarancleaning." [6]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

#Ava Max #pop #music #music review

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theworstbob · 7 years

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yellin’ at songs: week thirty

brief reviews of the songs that debuted on the 8.2.1997, 8.4.2007, and 8.5.2017 editions of the billboard hot 100

8.2.1997

4) "Mo Money Mo Problems," by The Notorious B.I.G. ft./Puff Daddy & Mase

WELCOME BACK. I am refreshed, I have had a nice few days away from pop music, I got that sweet sub-2:30 in LTTP rando, and I'm coming back to this song, which, hey. It's a classic! I have nothing to add to the discussion around this song. This is one of the most enjoyable pop songs ever made, one of the most enjoyable rap songs ever made, people at the peak of their talents figuring out a magical way to rhyme over an incredible beat. Seriously, "I'm Coming Out" is one of the best songs ever made, and this improves on the foundation, and it's just this beautiful, magical place. It's so good. I am incapable of saying anything constructive in regards to this song. They nailed it. I don’t need to tell you how they nailed it because you can hear how they nailed it.

45) "Coco Jamboo," by Mr. President

So my opinion on this song is that I would have rather not listened to it, but a cursory glance of their Wikipedia page shows that this was a #1 single in Sweden. It reigned for five weeks in the fall of 1996, and it was preceded by "Wannabe" and followed by a song from a band called E-Type named "Free Like a Flying Demon." You know what kind of owns? "Free Like a Flying Demon." It's not quite what I wanted "Free Like a Flying Demon" to sound like, I thought Sweden was still willing to make a #1 hit out of the occasional bitchin' metal jam (I'm probably thinking of Norway, those freaks mosh), but this sounds like a decent Depeche Mode outtake.

72) "Do You Like This," by Rome

Enh! I've had worse. Thank you for asking me how your song was! This review was much easier to write with the prompt! I also appreciate the way this dude is passionately drawing in every single breath. He is inhaling with PURPOSE. He feels these feelings so intensely, he has to gulp in all the oxygen he can so he can properly express his feelings. Also at one point he goes "nnnnnn" for seven seconds. This is the ur-R&B dude song.

75) "Can We," by SWV ft./Missy Elliott

The soundtrack for Booty Call has two unforgettable cuts, both in vastly different ways from each other. This is more in step with what I expected from the Booty Call soundtrack, just a smooth song asking if y'all DTF. Not that song that was just straight-up porn, just a song that sounds like the last half hour at a club and a last-ditch effort to make something happen. I like that. Especially after Rome being over-dramatic, I'm way into a song that's just, "I dunno, it's just sex. Y'all wanna do it or no?"

81) "Fix," by BLACKstreet ft./Ol' Dirty Bastard

WHAT IS THIS I LOVE THIS. HELL YEAH. I am so, so appreciative that BLACKstreet was willing to go on this adventure, and that Ol' Dirty was willing to hop on the bus with them. This was pretty amazing, though, hey, I'll cop to being a sucker for rock guitars where there typically aren't rock guitars. Slash did things! Slash toolded around in the studio for ten minutes and did enough amazing things to be featured in the song! This was hella fun, I hope more R&B artists made hard rock jams in 1997. I want to live in a world where I don't just hear Rome a thousand more times, I wanna hear this overtake Rome and his ilk for the definitive '90s R&B song.

90) "Can't Get You out of My Mind," by Lil' Suzy

Hey! You know how I haven't been that into Europop? You know how I've been enduring these garbage dance songs for the sake of experiencing the odd "Fulton Street" or "Fix?" GUESS WHAT, THIS WHITE GIRL FROM NEW YORK JUST DROPPED CULTURAL APPROPRIATION INTO THE MIX. I know I made fun of "It's Alright, It's OK," but I would listen to a thousand white girl journal entries before I listened to some girl from Brooklyn pretend she's from Hamburg.

You know what I forgot to do last week? The Top 20s! Here’s what 1997 looks like through 30 weeks. 20) "Step by Step," by Whitney Houston (3.15) 19) "Can We," by SWV ft./Missy Elliott (8.2) 18) "On and On," by Erykah Badu (1.25) 17) "I Want You," by Savage Garden (3.1) 16) "It Must Be Love," by Robin S. (5.24) 15) "Smokin' Me Out," by Warren G ft./Ronald Isley (6.21) 14) "Fix," by BLACKstreet ft./Ol' Dirty Bastard (8.2) 13) "Silent All These Years," by Tori Amos (3.22) 12) "What They Do," by The Roots (1.11) 11) "Step Into a World (Rapture's Delight)," by KRS-One (4.5) 10) "I'm Not Feeling You," by Yvette Michele (2.22) 9) "Bill," by Peggy Scott-Adams (3.29) 8) "Just Another Case," by CRU ft./Slick Rick (7.5) 7) "I'll Be," by Foxy Brown ft./Jay-Z (2.15) 6) "Felton St.," Leschea (6.14) 5) "Bitch," by Meredith Brooks (4.26) 4) "Mo Money, Mo Problems," by The Notorious B.I.G. ft./Puff Daddy & Mase (8.2) 3) "Return of the Mack," by Mark Morrison (3.1) 2) "Hypnotize," by The Notorious B.I.G. (4.26) 1) "Not Tonight (Ladies' Night Remix)," by Lil Kim ft./Angie Martinez, Left Eye, Da Brat & Missy Elliott (7.12)

8.4.2007

6) "What Time Is It," from the cast of High School Musical 2

Given that there will be hella High School Musical 2 in this space four weeks from now, I'd like to reserve the right to have a comment on High School Musical 2 until such a time that it is appropriate. This song is fun! Make sure to come back in four weeks to hear me say that again but longer!

7) "Sorry, Blame it on Me," Akon

...Did anyone else notice that Akon released an album in 2017? In this calendar year! I know it's hard to keep track of alll the things that are happening, what with the president yelling about how he can pardon himself and all, but I went to the AZLyrics page to clarify some of the lyrics, to, y'know, make fun of this shitty song where Akon is only passively-aggressively taking the blame ("even though the blame's on you/you can put the blame on me" christ dude either own your shit or don't), but there's an Akon album called Stadium with the number 2017 in parentheses next to it and song titles under it! The songs have lyrics! One song has a Ludacris feature! Oh, man. This is one album I am not going to listen to! (Follow-up: looks like it’s yet to be released. I am sorry for teasing you like this, I know how much you have been looking forward to hearing new Akon.)

85) "Ready, Set, Don't Go," Billy Cyrus

Everything about this song is gross and awful and I hate that it exists and I hate how it was brought to existence and I wish I had watched a lyric video instead of the music video because I hate looking at this freeloader's face. "This is where I don't say what I want so bad to say." YOU RELEASED THIS SONG TO RADIO. SHE CAN HEAR YOU. JUST NAME THE SONG "I DESIRE ATTENTION AND AM SO VERY HAPPY MY DAUGHTER ENDED UP BEIN' FAMOUS."

88) "You Can't Stop the Beat," from the cast of Hairspray

In 2007, there were multiple feature-length musical comedies featuring Zac Efron. It's not that we didn't have anyone else that could sing and dance while acting. We just decided to let Zac Efron have a go at it. Also, while I have not seen this film (either original or remake, would much rather see the original), I am so glad it exists. So, so very glad there is room in some subculture for John Travolta in drag and a fat suit.

89) "Bed," J. Holiday

Dipping back into 2007 R&B is weird after so much 1997 R&B because I have to come up with something different to say than "'90s R&B, amirite?" This song, though, it's always been a personal favorite. It's over-the-top, but it never feels silly, settles in this nice groove where it's this ridiculous song about fucking. It's probably a mid-tier '90s R&B song, but this was kind of the best 2007 had to offer; I'm not sure why else I'd remember it if it weren't the among the strongest things R&B had to offer that year. Fun fact! J. Holiday's most recent single is called "After We Fuck." Getting better with age like a fine, horny wine.

90) "Can't Leave 'Em Alone," Ciara ft./50 Cent

This is nice! (many hours pass) Nope, nope, still haven't formed any grander opinion on this song. Ciara whispers prettily, and Fiddy doesn't do anything to make the song less chill. Real quick? Team? Team? Real quick? I don't mean to presume, but I'm pretty sure the niceness of this song means the best song to debut on the Billboard chart the week of 4 August 2007 was "You Can't Stop the Beat." Guys, I know I've had my issues with 2017's music, but that's because it's boring. There's nothing wrong with boring, but the problem ends up being that the songs are just there, they're incredibly average. 2007 hasn't been funky in weeks. It's just been bad. Like, look at next week: you have "Stronger," which is a classic, but then three county dudes and whatever "Hood Figga" is gonna end up being. It's easy to yell at 2017 because it's new and we want it to be better, and we can yell at 1997 because of the occasional dip into horrible Eurodance, but I don't think any of the three years has wasted more of my time with songs that just blandly exist than 2007.

97) "Stranger," Hilary Duff

It's like someone decided to take "Beautiful Liar" and add 100% more of everything. Honestly, if they're gonna follow up "With Love" with this, I should be allowed to make whatever mean joke I made in the "With Love" review. If they're not gonna put any effort into their music, I shouldn't have to put effort into the review. (I think I've used that line in a previous review, so look at that, I'm doing it anyway, probably!)

99) "Online," Brad Paisley

This is one of the best country songs about catfishing in existence, as well as the only country song about the internet version of catfishing. This is a fine companion piece for "High Maintenance Woman," and my headcanon is that the maintenance man is also the main character of this song. I will never not appreciate Brad Paisley playing guitar and dad jokes, I can appreciate this very dad summary of how the internet works, and you KNOW your boy appreciates any song with a tuba section, however brief. It won't keep a cover of a 20-year-old musical closer from being the best 2007 song of the week, but it's a song with some degree of depth (and any degree of sweet, sweet tuba) that we can enjoy, and that's kinda "best-case scenario" territory with 2007 songs.

It has been nearly two months since we updated the 2007 Top 20. Since then, one new song has been added. 20) "Lip Gloss," by Lil Mama (6.9.2007) 19) "I Don't Wanna Stop," by Ozzy Osbourne (5.26.2007) 18) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 17) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 16) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 15) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 14) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 13) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 12) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 11) "Can't Tell Me Nothing," by Kanye West (6.16.2007) 10) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 9) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 8) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 7) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 6) "Misery Business," by Paramore (7.21.2007) 5) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 4) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 3) "Beautiful Flower," by India.Arie (6.16.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007)

8.5.2017

75) "A Lie," by French Montana ft./The Weeknd & Max B

Like, this is what I mean when I say 2017 is incredibly average. I remember mostly enjoying the two French Montana songs on the chart, but I don't remember anything that happened in these songs. They don't do anything. They just exist, and they're pleasant to listen to, but no one's taking any risks. There's nothing wrong with a B-, B- is still above-average, but my stars, why settle? Does no one want an A? What are we doing here. What was I supposed to hear in this song to make me believe there are only 74 songs currently in existence which best encapsulate the present moment. It's not bad, I just want something to care about.

86) "Jerika," by Jake Paul & Erika Costell ft./Uncle Kade

This is a love song by a man who, every time he has ever seen any banana in his life, will chuckle, point, and say, "Penis." If I could go back in time and stop myself from starting this project, I would not, because my life is better for having "Felton St." and "Bill" and "Get Buck" and "It Ain't Me" in it, but I would give that time machine a long, long look before deciding not to board.

91) "Young Dumb & Broke," by Khalid

Absolutely fuck this song. Fuck this PBR'n'B version of an anthem. Fuck this dude's ironic detachment, fuck this go nowhere track, fuck that dumb Rodney Dangerfield-ass joke in the second verse, fuck whoever told this dude he was complex, and fuck the naked appeal to the #teens. American Teen. Do #teens actually listen to media with "teen" in the title? I mean, they must, they've been making songs with "teen" in the title since before Billboard published charts, but this song isn't for teens as it is for pretentious music writers who want to write thinkpieces about the state of R&B. This stupid song probably got an entire Slate article published about it by now, and he's only 19 for seven more months, and boy, won't it be a drag when he can no longer substitute his age for an identiy. What a fucking bore.

96) "Woman," by Kesha ft./The Dap-Kings Horns

Y'ALL, FUCK YEAH. Like, last week's song was last week's song, and I respect that it needed to be made. But you know what I like? I like when someone shouts about how happy they are to be alive over a saucy horn section, AND GOT DAMN, THIS DELIVERED ON THE PROMISE OF THE TITLE. Everything about this is good and pure and should be enjoyed without reservation and a daily fixture at every karaoke bar and shouted from the top of every mountain simultaneously and goddamnit it's not gonna be on the chart next week, is it. (This is only gonna be #18 on the list. When 2017 is on, it is goddamned ON, and that's what makes enduring the French Montanas and Khalids such a chore, because I know they can do better! They have done better, and frequently!) But man, this song, I am in love with the Scissor Sisters-y breakdown, I am going to buy space on the Jumbotron at a baseball game to propose to that breakdown, this song muthafuckin' rules.

Seriously tho the 2017 Top 20? 20) "Felices los 4," by Maluma (6.3) 19) "Bodak Yellow," by Cardi B (7.22) 18) "Woman," by Kesha ft./The Dap-Kings Horns (8.5) 17) "Smile," by Jay-Z ft./Gloria Carter (7.29) 16) "Love Galore," by SZA ft./Travis Scott (7.1) 15) "Bad Liar," by Selena Gomez (6.3) 14) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 13) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 12) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 11) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 10) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 9) "Strangers," by Halsey ft./Lauren Jauregui (6.17) 8) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton (5.27) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) There’s been hella jams in 2017, like there’s a reason it and ‘97 are tied in the standings (SPOILERTH), but man, you just get tired of hearing the same shit all the time, y’know?

Won won the week?

1997 won this week incredibly hard. 2017 put up a good fight at the end, but man, 1997 started strong and never looked back.

Current standings: 1997: 11 2017: 11 2007: 8 2007 is lagging behind, but next week is “Stronger” week, and 1997 doesn’t look to be lining up the strongest contenders, though I could be wrong and Nastyboy Kiick could be ready to dazzle me. What will 2017 bring to the table, and can Kanye carry a bunch of schmucks to a W? Find out!

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