#listen i made this on my phone during a 20 min lunch break

[i-hate-theseus]

[dreamer95]

Used To Be

Warnings; Angst, A Little Bit Of Fluff(Maybe) Self-Esteem & swearing. Mental Abuse, Toxic Relationship, Don’t Read If It Might Trigger You.

This Is All Made Up, I Don’t Believe The Boys Would Do Any Of This. Our Boys Are Angels❤️ Remember That Chan Is The Most BEAUTIFUL Human In This World And He Will Never Hurt A Fly.

———————————————————————————————————

     You saw it coming, he was not the same anymore. You saw him distant himself from you & as much as you tried to hold on you know that there was no point. He started to act different towards you, he ignored you every time you called or texted him saying he was busy. When you saw him around school, he would walk pass you without glancing at you. But deep down you knew it was about to happened eventually. You knew Chan did not love you anymore, that the feelings for you disappear you were just waiting for him to end it.

     This was not the first time it happened to you; your past boyfriend did the exact same thing. When he was done with you, he threw you away like you meant nothing to him, like your present bother him. It has been two years since that horrible heartbreak & then you met Chan. Little by little you started falling for him, his smile, his laugh, his personality just everything about him. He gave you hope that you needed at the time but if you knew that it was going to end the same why you would have left before it was too late.

     Now you are sitting in the gym, crying your heart out thinking on what you could have done wrong. ‘Why would he stay with someone like me? He is so handsome and nice, he is perfect. I am just average there is nothing special about me. It is my fault for thinking this time it would be different. He deserves someone better than me’ you thought. You heard the bell ring which meant it was time for class. Before you went to your last class you stop at the bathroom and cleaned yourself up. Your last class was with Chan and his friends and you did not want to look like a wreck.

     You walked into class and sat in the front, while Chan and his friends sat at the back. You felt your phone vibrate it was a text from Chan.

     Channie💛: Can we talk after school? Meet me at the table by the tree outside the building.

     You felt your heart drop because you knew what was happening. You knew he was going to break up with you. You started to mentally prepare yourself.

(Y/N): Sure.

     Time went by fast before you know you were walking towards the table. You saw Chan and his friends but as soon as they saw you Chan got up walked towards and you guys made you way towards the tree. His friends just started but look away to give you guys some privacy.

     You played with your fingers while looking down at the grass. You were scared to look at Chan because you knew you would break down. You heard him sigh.

     “Listen (y/n), umm I don’t know how to say this but umm I think we should break up.” Chan started making your heart break more. “I just don’t feel the same way anymore & I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have. I’m sorry it ended like this but it’s for the best.” Chan finally said. You looked up at him & gave him a weak smile. You knew it was coming so you were somewhat prepared.

     “I understand. I am sorry I was not enough for you. But I saw it coming.” You told him. Chan looked at you confused, “What do you mean?” “I mean it’s my fault Chan. You are this perfect wonderful guy and I am just me. There is nothing special about me, I knew that sooner or later it was going happen. I just wish it happen before I fell in love you.”

     “Wait no, that’s not wh-” you caught him off before he could explain. “It’s okay, you’re not the first someone to leave me” you gave a small chuckle. “It’s okay, I understand I hope you find someone that makes you happy” with those last words you left feeling a bit proud that you did not cry at least not in front of him. You walked by his friends and they were giving you pity looks. That was the last thing you wanted because you knew once everybody found out that is how they were going to look at you.

     You made it home and broke down. ‘I should have known this was going to happen. I’m so stupid to think this time was different. That a guy like him would like a someone like me. I couldn’t even keep my first boyfriend, why would Chan be different.’ You kept thinking, your mind would only think about Chan and everything about him.

     Days passed and you decided to go back to school. Finals were coming up and you could not miss anymore school. You looked at yourself in the mirror and you could not recognize the person staring back. You had bags under your eyes, you look skinner and pale. You didn’t care, you left to school trying to figure how avoid Chan and his friends. You got to school, and you kept your head down walking towards your locker, but you could feel the stares and hear the whispers. You tried your best to ignore it, that was until you walked passed Chan and his friends. The scene in front of you broke more than you could imagine. He had another girl in his arms, looking at her with love the same look he would give you. You put your head down and walk faster but you heard Woojin call him and point to you.

     You ran into the bathroom and locked yourself in there. ‘It’s only been a few days and he already has someone else. She is so beautiful no wonder he left me. He had found someone better than me & I was holding him back. This isn’t some love story where he would fight to win me back. It’s only been three days and he has someone else’ you cried. The bell rang and you cleaned yourself up and went to class. Every class was a drag, but you were surprise on how well you were doing. Nobody really talks to you, you didn’t have that many friends and you the few friends you had haven’t really check up on you. During lunch, you decided to go the library to study hope the last bell won’t ring.

     You didn’t want to go to the last class because Chan was in there and the last thing you want is to see him. The bell rang and you took a deep breath and walk to class. You sat in your chair and waited for class to start. As soon as Chan and his friends walked in everybody in class walking in making the class get quiet and look at you guys. You put your head down and started to pull your stuff out. Chan walked to his seat and acted like nothing happened.

     Soon the professor came and started teaching, you payed attention to everything he said and wrote down notes. 20 mins before the bell ran the professor gave you guys some study time and left the room. You were in your own little world trying to study when you felt the chair next you being pulled and someone sat down. Your first thought was Chan but you were more surprise when you saw your ex-boyfriend Michael. You gave him a confused look and he just smirked at you.

     “Do you need something?” You ask in a quiet voice and this point. You saw that everybody was staring at you, including Chan and his friends. “No, I just wanted to ask you if you were okay?” He asked you. You look puzzled, but before you can answer he cut you off. “Haha who am I kidding you look like shit. I’m sorry but come on (y/n) you should have seen that coming. Chan will never love a girl like you if I didn’t want you why would he?” He said loud enough for everybody to hear. All you could do is look down and clench your pencil. You hated him; how could he embarrass you like that in front of the class. “He didn’t even care about you, he already has another girl and forgot about you like the trash you are haha” at this point you were crying but what he said next made your heart into dust. “If you were good enough maybe we would have kept you.” You got up so quick and left that you didn’t see Chan behind you ready to punch your ex.

     Chan saw you run out crying but decided against running after you. He had to take care of your ex first. “What the fuck is your problem man!” He said while grabbing him by his shirt. Woojin and Mihno tried holding him back but it was useless. Chan was pissed that he would talk to you like that. “Oh, come on chan. Don’t try to act like the hero here because you left her just like I did. You threw her away and found someone new. Or am I wrong” he said while smirk. Chan punched him in the face and walk out followed by his friends.

     You ran all the way home & locked yourself. Turn off your phone and just cried & cried. You couldn’t believe this was happening you felt so worthless, unwanted and you don’t even know what you did to Michael to have him hate you so much. You wanted Chan, you wanted him to hold you and tell you that everything was going to be okay that he loved you and nothing else matter. You want his kiss, his touch just everything. But you knew that he wasn’t your anymore.

Should I make a part 2?🦋

[livingouttheworsttimeline]

Why am I so tired all the time?

4:30 am: youngest child wakes up after wetting the bed. change child, change bedsheets, replace drinks, turn night time music back on, convince youngest child that it is in fact still night time. Climb back into bed a 4:55.

5:00 am: eldest child comes to tell me that youngest child wants to play. I am aware, because I have heard her loudly declaring such since I left their room. Tell oldest child to go back to bed. Pray that, somehow, for the very first time, they will put themselves back to sleep. 

5:05 am: give up on hopeless prayers. Get up and take both children to the living room. Change the youngest into underwear. Log into tablets and override the “do not turn on until 6 am” setting. Wait for coffee to finish brewing.

5:23 am: extract self from underneath 2 children and a dog to pour first cup of coffee. It’s half caff, because spouse has a heart condition. Remind self that I can have several cups with impunity.

5:45 am: Eldest child is unhappy with the pre-made breakfast provided for him the night before. When asked what he would like to eat, he responds, “bacon, chinese food, or pizza.” Explain, again, that we need a variety of foods for our bodies to grow strong. Spend 15 minutes convincing him to eat $5 worth of blackberries as a compromise.

6:12 am: Finish 2nd cup of coffee, realize that eldest child’s night time pull up is overflowing with poop. Usher him to the bathroom for a bath. Feel humbled when I realize that I spent 10 years in grad school, and yet I am still reduced to wiping shit off another person. Calmly remind eldest child that he is capable of using the potty, and that I have confidence in him. 

6:30 am: Spouse awakes, complains that he slept poorly. Roll eyes and go back to drinking 3rd cup of coffee, in between being elbowed in the stomach and explaining that no, I do not know how to work the video game you just downloaded 15 seconds ago. Remind self that I am their physical and mental safe place, which is worth the literal bruises and mental stress. 

6:45 am: extract self from pile of children and dog by physically lifting each dependent off my lap. Verify that spouse is up for supervision duties, collect running clothes, and start treadmill.

6:47 am: stop treadmill because youngest child has entered the room and decided that I will not run today because it’s not fair. Remind self that arguing fairness with a 3 year old is the definition of futility. Gently remind her that I love her, she is a big girl, and she can play independently while I run. 

6:49 am: start treadmill again. Nagging calf pain seems to be back. Scale back workout, remind self that value of the run is not the distance. Do extra core workout to compensate.

7:30 am: shower. Mediate 2 sibling fights from shower. Fortunately, children are camped out in the bathroom with me, so I don’t have to leave a trail of water through the house to interact.

7:35 am: Marvel at the thought that spouse takes a 45 min shower. EVERY DAY. Note gratitude that I am working from home, and no longer have to style hair and makeup. 

7:36 am: Refill kid drink cups for the 3rd time today. Spend 30 minutes convincing, cajoling, and bribing kids to put on clean underwear. We no longer try for clothes. 

8:06 am: turn on work computer. Respond to a weekend full of emails. Handle 5 pressing tasks for side hustle, reasoning that if I get them out of the way, I can push the rest of that to do list to after working hours.

8:45 am: Answer persistent pounding on locked office door. refill drinks and provide snack. Reassure youngest child that mommy is still here, but she needs to work. 

9:03 am: debate whether going to the bathroom is worth leaving the office and the begging that ensues. Make wrong choice either way. 

9:15 am: morning meetings get shuffled later, because childless coworkers “are running late this morning.” Marvel at the concept of 9:15 am being early.

9:30 am: solid wall of meetings until noon. Update team on status at end of last week, despite not remembering what you just ate for breakfast. Realize that you haven’t eaten breakfast. Run training and introduction for new team member. You are the only woman on the team,  so you get do the training because “you’re so good at explaining things.” 

12:00 pm: Call youngest child’s preschool, make sure you can bring by her supplies and still adhere to Covid protocols. Preschool is also side hustle, so cram a parent and employee meeting into a single hour. Explain that new registration system will, in fact, be more efficient than old paper system. Remind preschool staff that we committed to going paperless. Make small talk with preschool teachers until the hour is up. Hop in the car and speed home.

1:00 pm: children adhere to my side the second I walk in the door. Spouse is in the shower. Children have eaten approximately 3 bites of their pb&j sandwiches, and demand different lunch. Remember that you have not eaten lunch yet. Refill drinks for 4th time, provide reasonable lunch alternatives. 

1:25 pm: Remember that you scheduled a meeting for 1:30, and. you need to be present. Calculate that extraction from children is not possible in 5 minutes, and take meeting with youngest child on lap. Despite having weaned 1.5 years ago, youngest child decides that you’re still nursing, and pulls down top on video call. Spend most of call switching on and off mute. Catch every 3rd word. 

1:45 pm: apologize to team, promise to reschedule a follow up with more focus. Hang up, extract youngest child’s arm from shirt. Refill drinks for the 5th time. Bribe children to get in bed for a nap with the promise of a visit to nana and pop this afternoon. 

1:48 pm: children’s beds have been stripped, due to accidents last night, but spouse “doesn’t know where the clean sheets are”, and so hasn’t remade beds. Children petition to nap on the floor. Explain floor is not comfortable. Find clean sheets, make 2 beds, take everyone to the potty, tuck both children in. 

2:20 pm: Realize that you have 40 minutes of actual work time left today, outside of meetings. Try to prioritize, with the knowledge that whatever you get done will not be enough. Deny request for drink refill.

3:00 pm: kick off afternoon meeting block. Try frantically to make the 40 minutes that you did get to work sound like a whole lot more. Wake children up during bathroom break so that they’ll be able to sleep tonight. Refill drinks for 5th time. 

3:45 pm: Curse the fact that youngest child has inherited your distaste for waking up. Gently coax her awake in between meetings.

4:00 pm: Wrap up last task from meetings, make list of all new tasks. Realize that today you have checked off one task, and received 7 new ones. Promise self that you’ll get your work laptop back out after the kids are in bed. Ignore the sense of despair that threatens to overtake you.

4:20 pm: Bribe children into putting on clothes with promise of fruit snacks at grandparent’s house. Feel mildly guilty as you put on your second round of workout gear. Load children in double jogging stroller, jog to grandparent’s house. 

5:00 pm: collect children to head home for dinner. 

5:10 pm: threaten no more fruit snacks if children don’t put on their shoes. Grandparents go get them more fruit snacks. 

5:23 pm: explain that the sun is going down in 24 minutes, and that we have to leave now to get home before it gets dark. Remember that time is immaterial. Wish for that blissful sense of ignorance.

5:37 pm: push 100 lbs of toddler and stroller up giant, hilly driveway. Spouse greets us with “what’s for dinner?” Politely remind him that he promised to plan and make dinner while we were gone. Grit teeth at his “I didn’t know what to make” response. Quickly run through available, easy, acceptable options and make dinner.

6:15 pm: serve dinner. Eat own dinner in 2.5 minutes, then spend rest of meal refilling drinks and plates, heating up or cooling down, and cajoling children to eat anything at all.

6:45 pm: Announce that tonight we don’t need to take a bath. Youngest child immediately melts down, because she wanted to take a bath. Eldest child melts down because, even thought he didn’t want to take a bath, he wanted to taunt his sister while she was in the bath. 

6:53 pm: Loose temper for 1st time today, scream that children need to brush their teeth. Step away to calm down. Spouse gets upset because “You can’t handle the children without yelling.” Bite tongue all the way through to avoid snarky reply.

7:10 pm: read 2 story books. Read one more. Explain again, that mommy cannot read anymore, and daddy will come read for a little while. Extract self from pile of children, and tuck both in. Hugs, kisses, and fist bumps. Twice. Then once more, after you’ve left the room.

7:15 pm: contemplate second shower. Decide that you didn’t really get that sweaty on the walk, and it’s not like you’re going out. Collapse on sofa with phone and mindless tv.

7:25 pm: spouse comes into the living room after harrowing duty of reading for 10 minutes. Hand over the remote, pull out side hustle lap top and finalize tasks for the day.

8:30 pm: remember that you promised to do main job work. Bring out that laptop to run some code while you continue side hustle work.

9:15 pm: Finish side hustle work, give up on main job work for the evening. Mentally apologize to team for not making more progress, promise to self that you’ll be more focused tomorrow.

9:30 pm: tell spouse that you need to go to bed. Endure his eye roll and disappointed face. Apologize for needing to go to sleep so early, and reassure him that you’re doing the best you can.

10:15 pm: eldest child has night terror. Comfort eldest child until he’s calm. Comfort youngest child, who is upset at brother’s screams. Realize that spouse is still watching tv in the living room while you comfort children. 

11:00 pm: listen to youngest child cry for 10 minutes until spouse begrudgingly tends to her. Remind self that it is not solely my job to comfort our children. Try to go back to sleep. 

3 am: eldest child wakes up with question about mushrooms that is vitally important. Answer to best of middle-of-the-night ability, acknowledge that you appreciate his curiosity, but that there are times when questions are not appropriate. Get him back to sleep.

4:30 am: youngest child wakes up.

[hs-devote]

3. G E S T U R E

Moodboard // Content // Masterlist

Disclaimer:

All characters and situation in this story are fictitious. Resemblance to any person living or dead is only God knows.

Previous chapter :

Y/N remembered the accident with Harry the other day, where she was robbed and Harry throwing some good punch to the robber. Then, she just realise that she didn't get any call from the police who was took some clarification from them. Until this time, the police never called her. If they did follow up on that case, her or Harry should have been asked to be willing to be witnesses, right?

3. GESTURE

Harry is back to the office. He looks better than yesterday, his good mood has returned, proven by he was smiling back to Y/N and Madeleine when he was arriving his floor then go straight to his office. Y/N was thinking to bring him a coffee for his nice gesture earlier. With a cup of his favourite Americano in her hand, she scanned her access card until the door open. Harry was signing whatever documents he sign when she walk in. His hand quickly signed every single documents piled on his desk. Y/N notice his cross tattoo in his backside hand, near the thumb. Makes her think Harry might be a religious person.

“Good morning, I bring you a coffee.” She smiled, closing the door. Harry lifted his head, giving his signature smile to his assistant. He leaned back, crossing his arms. “What occasion?”

“You just had rough days lately, so I think a cup of coffee will cheer you up.” She shrug, putting down the cup.

“Thank you.” He sigh, “I'm sorry for.. well, my bad behaviour these past few days. I know it was inappropriate, so I'm really sorry.”

“I understand, everyone had their bad days.”

Harry shake his head, “But still, I should have a total control over my temper. And oh, how's your wound? I didn't make it worse, did I?”

“Oh,” Y/N mumble, moving her arm. “It's getting better everyday. Maybe when I get back home, I can remove the patch. No need to worry.”

Suddenly, Harry's office phone ringing. He pick it up with the loudspeaker on, “Yes, Madeleine?”

“Mr. Styles, the Telegraph's team is here. Do you want me to send the to your office or meeting room?”

Harry glance at Y/N, raising his eyebrow – waiting for her answer. After all, she was the one who prepare the meeting. “They're supposed to be three people only, I've prepared a meeting room in the corner if you like.” Harry just nod, “Send them to the corner one. I'll meet them in five.”

“Right away, sir.”

Sipping half of his coffee, Harry smoothed his suit jacket and fixing his tie before getting up from his seat. Leading them both to meet the guests. Y/N smiled, letting him go first. Walking together with Harry, made Y/N feel this confident boost towards her body. It's like Harry transferring his confidence to her. She feels powerful next to Harry. As long as Y/N work together with him, Harry likes to give her encouragement, he was the one who builds trust in herself. Unlike the first time she felt insecure working together with him.

She thanks him for opening the door for her, letting her in first. There, three people already waiting. On the far left, sitting a bald man in his forties. Next to him, a young man with black jet hair. And the last, a beautiful, very beautiful –she thinks– woman in her burgundy attire, her strike blonde hair fell until her back.

Y/N greets all of them with firming hand shake. Offering refreshment at the table. Meanwhile, she could feel Harry stiffen in his place, right when he wants to shake the woman's hand. The atmosphere is a bit awkward, but he quickly get over it.

The woman with name Victoria, not saying much during the meeting. Y/N could say, she just staring at Harry for the whole time. She bet Victoria didn't listen at all, the way she stutter when the bald man, Mr. Gogh, asked her one time – clearly prove it.

The meeting ended quickly, there was no serious discussion, just an introduction that Victoria will be the one who associated with Erskine, replacing the last in charge.  When everyone had left meeting room, in the corner of Y/N eyes, she saw Victoria entered Harry's office, while the man himself trailing behind her.

If they want to talk about the company, at least the other two man didn't go back first. Y/N assumed they both talked about something else. And she was sure, they already knew each other before from the way they act. Before Y/N taking step back to her office, her phone buzzed.

Messages– Now ; Harry Styles.

Could you do me a favour? Bring me hot chocolate, and a camomile tea for my guest.

Sure, coming in 5 mins. She text back, sprinting towards the break room.  Digging into the shelves, she take the Twinings box first, and Charbonnel et Walker later. Starting to make drinks and ready to deliver it. Y/N pushes the door open effortlessly since it wasn't locked. Harry beams at her, while Victoria in front of him throwing a death glare.

“Thank you, darling.” Harry said, sneaking his arm around her waist. His thumb drawing a circle in her side while Y/N putting down the drinks. Y/N just gave him small smile before excusing herself. For a moment, she was wondering why Harry was showing affection in front of Victoria, but she choose to shake it off.

“Is she the one?” Y/N could hear Victoria's snide comment when she was closing the door. With Harry's voice still dangling in the air, “Is it important to you for know?”

“I don't believe she has the courage to show up here.” Y/N hear Madeleine murmured under her breath,  while she gathering her stuff off in her desk. “Oh, hey Y/N. How's the meeting?” She asked, tucking her hair behind the ear.

“It's good. But it looks like Ms. Selley still has some business with Mr. Styles.”

“Victoria Selley? Oh no wonder. That snake always have her own way.” She scoffs, “Hey, do you want to grab lunch? I need to tell you something since the Telegraph's will be the one of the clients who like to visit.”

Y/N nods unsure, “Sure. Let me take my purse first.”

. . . .

“You have to be careful with Victoria Selley.” Madeleine spoke with her mouth munched her burger. Picking up her fries, Y/N looking at her cautiously “And why was that?”

Y/N isn't a big fan of fast food, but this time she decides an exception. Before Madeleine open her mouth, she choked on her food. Y/N give her a drink right away. Madeleine just laugh after sipping her coke, “I'm too excited. Victoria is not as nice as you saw. She's.. pretentious. Do you know her and Mr. Styles used to be dating?”

“No.”

“Yeah, they used to be dating, around a year ago for five months. She always bragged about it. She's kinda dumb, and her attitude is blah. I don't know why they split but I think Mr. Styles finally realised her bad behaviour. The one of many reasons I don't like her is.. she always bragging about their sex life – which I think it's private thing . How good he was in bed, how fast Mr. Styles can make her reach her orgasm.”

Y/N crinkles her face in disgust, her appetite gone instantly. “Okay, can we not talk about THAT thing? I feel.. nauseous.”

“Well, just imagine her and her wide mouth talking about it in front of the employees. But the worst part is when she came back after the split, trying to tempt him to have.. intercourse in his office.” She added, “The exciting part was when Mr. Styles barking at her, his voice heard up to several floors down. He dragged her ass out, throwing her underwear off. Amazing..”

“Underwear?!” Y/N shouts lowly in shock, she truly could feel her eyes about to pop out.

“Yeah, but I think they didn't do it. Maybe she sliding down her underwear before had the chance.” Madeleine muttered, “If I were her, I wouldn't have the face to come back, let alone meet him. It's surprising she works there.”

Y/N leans back, too much thing she should know today. “And why we are talking about this? I mean, their history wouldn't impact their work. They have to separate work and personal life, right?”

“I do believe in Mr. Styles, but not with Victoria. We won't know how smart she is if she will take advantage of  this situation.” Madeleine shrug, “I just hope we won't be fired for gossiping him.”

The food was delicious, they really want to stay longer but work couldn't wait. Their floor was quite was usual when they arrived. Mr. Styles' office is shut closed, the man himself is nowhere to be found. Y/N take the sign as he might be having lunch.

Stepping inside her office, she plopped down the seat. Turning on her screen and moved the cursor to downloading some emails, her eyes was set off to an invitation to a gala dinner in the next two weeks, obviously addressed to Harry Styles.

From: Bentley, Betty <b.b@britishchambers.org.uk> Subject : BCC Busines Dinner 2019 To: executive_asst@erskine.co.uk, hstyles@erskine.co.uk

British Chambers of Commerce proudly presents The Annual BCC Busines Gala Dinner

To Mr. Harry Styles and his plus one You are cordially invited to attend our annual BCC Business Gala Dinner 2019 Friday, June 14th  – 7 pm The Langham 1c Portland Place, Regent Street, London, GB W1B 1JA

RSVP to Joyce  44 (0) 20 7636 1000 or click here by June 10th

“Y/N?” Y/N flinched when someone call her name. It was Harry standing in her door, grinned sheepishly. She's blinking her eyes, “Yes, sir?”

“Did I shock you? I'm sorry. I just want to give this to you.” Harry handed her a bundle of document, and putting a small cute box from Lola's onto her desk, “That must be done in three days”

“Well noted, sir.” She take them and make a quick glance of it. “And, this?” while pointing to the box, when she saw it, she immediately knew that it was cupcakes.

“When I drove back here, I saw them and then remembered you. So.. yeah.” He said while scratching his neck, avoiding eye contact with Y/N. “Besides, I was happy because the Commonwealth thing is doing well after all, nothing to worry about. Lucas told me we possibly win the bid.”

“Ah, that's great. Thank you for the cupcakes, anyway.” Y/N smiles, “Actually, sir. The council of British Chambers just sent you an invitation to their annual Gala Dinner two weeks from now. Do you want to come? I have to send your reservation and the plus one immediately.”

“Err, yeah. Of course. Put my name and yours for the reservation, please.” He nodded, staring deep directly at her eyes. His words makes Y/N stop typing, “Pardon?”

“I don't have anyone, you know? So, I think you will be a good companion, if you don't mind.”

Y/N stunned for a moment, didn’t expect Harry would invite her. “Oh, of course, I won't. I am very honoured, thank you.”

Harry just winked at her. Y/N giggling right after closing her door, never think would be attending such an exclusive event with her boss. She's blushing when she remembered the way Harry wink her.

. . . .

For years her life, Y/N never been dreaming she could get amazing things at the age of twenty-two. Maybe for some people, at the age of her, there are more people with better achievement than her. But for Y/N, she's already grateful to be at this point. Maybe, maybe if she try even harder, who knows in a few years she will earn highest job. Not coming from a rich family, little Y/N was struggling to  reach her goals. Experiencing a childhood nothing like any other child had, Y/N had to still protect herself. Showing everyone that she can.

Especially to her big family, who always throwing snide words toward her family.

Even the grandparents always dragging her father whose jobs were not as high as those of her uncles. Sometimes, her older brother, Connor, has to against their words, and end up with him locked up in his room.

Until someday, when all families gathered together at Easter, Y/N was proud to announce that she was accepted into King's College Business Management programme with full scholarship. Ended everyone with mouth hanging open. Three years later, she got her degree with honour.

Her father is regular employee at local publishing house, while her dear mother is stay at home mum. Connor himself, being paramedics in NHS.

Lurking around her apartment barefoot, Y/N couldn't find the cheese block that would be use to cook dinner. She decided to go out to buy the cheese, and doing a little grocery shopping. After all, the grocery just down the road.

The cold night welcoming her when she pushed the door of her apartment building. Not many people outside, she walk slowly with both hands in the pockets. A few step to the grocery, she feels like someone follow her behind. She had to look back a few times, but no one to be found.

Taking a few cheese blocks, some late night snacks, and the others essentials, Y/N hurried back home. To be fair she still feel being followed and it scares her. Passing the end of the road, she hear a faint groan. Goosebumps getting on her. She wants to leave but that voice.. asking for a help. Venturing herself, she walk into the dark alley where the voice came. Her step stopped, seeing someone lying on the ground, clutching his neck. In front of him, a man standing tall. Slowly, very carefully, Y/N step closer. Her hand covering her mouth, the lying man was strangled with a belt around his neck. His voice become clearer and heartbreaking, as the belt became tighter in his neck. He begged forgiveness from the person who strangled him.

Y/N heart dropped when the culprit – was wearing all black – , turn his head towards her. Their eyes collided with each other. And there, her breath stopped. The pair eyes she stared at, it's Harry's.

She run as fast as she could. All the thing she know is to run as fast as possible. She couldn't process what she just saw. Slamming her door closed, Y/N make sure to locked it securely. Her panting breath is all she could hear. Those eyes. Darker green irises belongs to Harry, that she usually see when he was in anger. It's belong to him, isn't it?

She couldn't be one hundred percent sure. Half of his face was blocked by darkness, the rings that was Harry's usual essentials, she couldn't find them on his fingers. All she can recognise was.. the eyes.

If that's really him, what was he doing there? And most importantly, why did he do that?

“No.. no. That's not Harry. That's not him. Your eyes just playing tricks on you, Y/N. It can't be Harry.” Y/N murmurs to herself. After all, there's so much people have dark green eyes, right?

. . . .

During the meeting that day, Y/N's mind wandered everywhere. Still thinking about what happened last night. Harry even had to called her out several times for being caught spacing out, not paying attention at all. He didn't look angry, but was worried.

“Are you okay? You were spacing out.” Harry asked after the participants left the room.

“I'm so sorry about that. I'm fine.” Y/N assured, her hands playing with her pen. As in disbelief, Harry moved his chair closer, looking at his assistant closely, “Are you sure? Your face is pale, you know.”

Y/N gulped, her sweating palm stroking her thigh. “Yeah, just.. just having a lot of thoughts.”

She encourage herself to slowly looking at him, just want to convinced her mind that .. the man from last night, was not her boss. The eyes she was looking at this time, are bright green irises. The greenest she's ever seen, sparkling, looking like heaven. The more she looks into his eyes, the more she dragged into.

“You have the most beautiful eyes.” She's not consciously whispered.

“Yeah?”

She nods in agreement, “Mmhm.” Keeping the eye contact, Harry's finger caressing her cheek. Delicately, down to her lips. In her daydream, she saw those eyes first thing in the morning when she open her eyes from sleep. Then the eyes turn darker along with Harry's sinister laugh echoed her ears.

Jumbling in her spot, she moved away. Y/N could feel her face redden. “I'm sorry, I don't mean to.. I think I need a drink.”

“I think you should go home, Y/N.” The void emotion in his voice, make her heartbeat quicken. Her feelings become null, “No no, I'm sorry Mr. Styles–  I'm promise I won't do it again. Let me get my tasks done. They should be ready by tomorrow –”

“Y/N. It's fine. You're pale, and you're sweating, you have to rest well enough. I'm sorry for getting you overworked. The papers can wait. After all, they agreed to change the contract. I will ask Ethan to re-done it, he was the one who drew up at the first. It's okay, Y/N. I'm not angry. I'll be more upset if you fell sick.” He give her reassuring smile.

“I'm fine, Mr. Styles. Really. I just need a drink, and rest a bit. And I'll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Don't worry.”

“All right, you can go rest and come back whenever you can. Need me buy you certain medicine?”

Y/N shake her head slowly, getting up from her seat. “Thank you.” Turning her back, she walk out from the room. From that moment, she just knew that the dark eyes last night, was not Harry's. She choose to going to the break room instead of her office, imagine of a glass of fresh juice making her drool. Good things, the are several choices of fruits there, she would go with the guava.

“Hey, what's wrong. You were spacing out for five minutes straight?” Madeleine pat Y/N shoulder, taking a stool next to her. When she was walking into the break room, she saw her co-worker sitting alone with hands twisting her half empty glass.

“Um, no. I'm fine, just.. having minor headache. Mr. Styles dismissed my presence for a couple hours ahead, I think?” Y/N spoke unsure. Madeleine giving her questionable look, “Really?”

“Apparently he thought he made me overworked because I was spacing out in the meeting.”

“Why not lay on the couch. As long as his guests doesn't see it.. he won't be mad.”

“My headache it's not that big deal, it's just I have this assumption running around my head. All I have to do is.. clear my mind.”

“If it's because of work, you don't have to be too rigid, let a loose. Have a little fun if you have time. Mr. Styles once told me that, working in here you are required to do everything right, but don't be stressed. If not, in a short time you will have this feeling that you can't stand this.”

Y/N was speechless, never thought Madeleine could talk like that. “Very nice of him, but actually it's not about a job or working here.. It's –”

“Oh, so this is about someone. Isn't it? Do I know him?” Madeleine squeals, grinning like a fool.

“How can you be sure it's about a person? Let alone a male?”

“If a female spacing out in her work, fifty percent of surveys proves it is due to male problems.”

“And how do I know the validity of them?”

“Because,  you're now talking directly with the surveyors.”

Y/N scoffs, “I think you need go to back, you know. Mr. Styles will be pissed if he knows you weren't on your desk.”

“Well, he left fifteen minutes ago. He just said to keep an eye for you while he was away. I think he headed to some expensive – well known brand designer galleries. He was in call, talking about measurement and gala next week.”

“I didn't know someone busy like him took the time to come there, he could have told them to come to him.”

“I think he wants to surprise his date. Keeping all secrets. Who knows?” Madeleine shrug, chugging her milk. Y/N turning her head, “A date?”

“My cousin is one of the organizer, and she spill the tea that.. his reservation inclusive his plus one. She doesn't want to tell me who, but she said this is the first time he will come with date for the past three years. He'd always come alone by himself, even when he had a girlfriend. He wouldn't do that.”

“Not even his past assistant? I mean, they obviously would fit into conversation.”

“Nope.” She said, “I remember one day when he was dating Victoria, she begged to accompany him. But he declined. Said it wasn't suitable for her and she would not understand if he chatted about the business. Don't asking me why I knew, because she was begging in the lobby.”

“Well, I will go back to my desk. Have a nice rest. Just don't fall asleep in here, I can't carry you if Mr. Styles hasn't returned yet.” Both of them laughing, Y/N giving her a thumb. Suddenly, her phone ringing.

Mum

“Hi, mum? How are you?” Y/N greets her mother with smile.

“Hi, pet. How are you? How is London?”

“I'm good. London is great. How are you and dad doing? Everything OK?”

“Yeah, we are fine. Just missing you and Connor at all. Any plan to come home in the near future?”

“I wish I have. If I want to, I have to ask Connor too. But I'll figured it out. Have to find the right time with C.”

“Ah, I see. Sometimes I just think why don't you live with Connor? You both live in London. Now, I think that you two barely talk to each other.”

Y/N laugh, “Mum, you know that he's not really live in London, Watford to London will take fifty minutes. I can't live that far from my office, besides he's living with his friends. There's no way I live with them. But yeah, the last time I talk to him was like.. two weeks ago? He's very busy with his job.”

“I just don't like to know my baby living alone by herself.”

“Well, half my life I spent in London. I mean, when I was in college, I stayed in London. Now, I move to London again.”

“Yes, it's like your success is all in London.”

The rest conversation is a good talk with her mother, not a lie it sometimes make Y/N homesick, and almost make her wants to cry for holding her longing of her parents.

“All right pet, I have to hang up. Not want disturb your work.”

“It's all right, mum. Promise.”

“Good then, good bye pet. I love you.”

“I love you, mum. Tell dad I love him too!”

“Will do.”

. . . .

Friday the 14th.

4.15 pm

“I will send my driver to pick you up around 6, is that all right? I will text his name and the number plate, so you don't get the wrong car.” Harry said while his finger pressing the lift button.

“It's okay. I'll make sure he won't wait too long.”

“Take your time. It doesn't matter if we are a little late.” Harry ensured that Y/N going home on time that day so she could prepare for the Gala. He also even gave not too much assignments. The lift ride didn't take too long until the door open when reached the lobby. The lobby in main building was not  too crowded by people. Only a few employees are seen going to home.

“Later, darling.” He smiled while patting her head. Leaving Y/N stunned in her spot. Luckily there were only two of them in the lift, no one caught them. If there was even one person, someone would have started the gossip. Before falling to another spacing out, Y/N hurried out. Wanting to get home quickly.

Thirty minute-ish ride to home, Y/N urgently placing her bag carelessly along with her heels. Pulling her towel, she rushed to take a shower. She made sure her teeth were clean and her breath didn't smell. She even shaved! Well, she want to look presentable for Harry of course.

For this special occasion, Y/N pulled all black attire. Her choice fall on black spaghetti strap dress. Backless with split side open, showing off her back and long legs. She finishing her look with light make up, and simple hair bun. She just hope she looks appropriate for this such an event.

Strike at 6, her phone buzzing. Mr. Grint, her chauffeur tonight, letting her know that he just arrived and will wait outside her building. Glancing at the number plate on the screen, Y/N lock her door and remembering the number along the way.

LF19 EYD

Her eyes were fixed on a black Tesla a few meters in front of her after closing the door entrance of her building. Someone appeared from the driver's door, looking dapper with grey attire. He opened the passenger door with kind gesture, he must be Mr. Grint.

“Ms. Y/L/N? Good evening. Mr. Styles is waiting for you.”

“That's me. Thank you, Mr. Grint.”

He closed the door for her the walking to driver's seat. Y/N glance around, admiring the interior for a bit. She wonder how many expensive cars Harry's has – well she's sure this is one of the many he has.

“Do you want to drink? I have some cold drinks if you want.” He ask calmly, his eyes fixated on the road.

“No, thank you Mr. Grint.”

“I'll drive you to his house first, then you and Mr. Styles will go together.”

“Oh, I thought I'll meet him at the hotel?”

“No, ma'am. That would be silly if you both arrive separately, right?”

The car stopped after forty minutes drive at very fancy building in Chelsea Waterfront. The cool air hit Y/N's face immediately right after Mr. Grint helped her open the passenger door. Her eyes could see the Thames and the shimmering light across the infamous river.

“I'll escort you to his penthouse.”

Y/N trailed behind Mr. Grint, walking to the West Tower, the highest residential building in the complex. Some of receptionist staff in the lobby greeting both of them before going upstairs by lift. Mr. Grint pressing the 31st button, Y/N assumed that where Harry's floor. Reaching the floor wasn't take too long, until the door open, two large oak doors welcome her on the left.

“Suzanne, it's me.” Mr. Grint talking to the intercom after pressing doorbell. In thirty seconds, a not so old lady show up behind the door, smiling warmly with wrinkles in her eyes,“You must be Ms. Y/L/N. I'm Suzanne.”

Y/N nods, “Good evening, ma'am.”

Mr. Grint excusing himself before Y/N gets in, disappearing behind the lift. Suzanne open the door wider, letting her in. “Have a seat, darling. Harry's getting ready, should I make you a drink while waiting? God knows how long he dressed up.”

She smiles, clutching her purse. “No, I'm fine.”

“Right, I'll clean the kitchen. If you need something, just call my name.” Suzanne grinned, waltzing to the kitchen. Taking the seat in front of large glass door, Y/N could see clearly London night panoramic, before looking around Harry's massive penthouse in awe. How much cost this place spent?

Ten minutes passed, Y/N heard key jiggles behind her with approaching footsteps. She turn back, finding Harry was talking to Suzanne, seems unaware of her presence. From this far distance, she can smell his perfume. A fresh smell that she's unfamiliar with. The perfume is rich in spicy smell, but sweet with vanilla and a bit cocoa.

“Y/N?” Too engrossed in enjoying his perfume scent, she didn't realise that Harry was standing beside her. The scent going strong. So sexy, so soothing. Strong reminiscent of an English gentlemen's club.

“Hi, Harry.” Smiling, her hand smoothed her dress while getting up from couch. His look tonight was something else. Harry opted for fitted black suit with a striped white t-shirt which sat low, flashing his toned chest and ink. The cross necklace dangling around his neck.  He also donned a pair of maroon shoes with a gold buckle on the front for the event.

Harry was spacing out for a second, adoring this beauty in front of him. The delicate of her collarbone, the perfect dress suited her body, and her legs showing from the split.

“Did you wait long? I didn't hear you come, well couldn't find my key either.”

“No, no problem. I just got here.” She ensures him with small smile.

“Are you ready? Shall we get going now?”

“We shall.”

“C'mon.” He murmured, placing his palm behind her bare back. Lead her out.

“You look beautiful. I like your dress.” Harry said as the lift door closed, going down slowly.

“Thank you, you look astounding.” She smiling shyly with red face.

“In a good way?” He teased, coming by laughter from her. “In a handsome way possible.” The lift stops when the screen show an underground parking area. But Harry didn't stop at one of the cars, stepping further until they arrive in private area with sign showing 311, his penthouse number.

Well, he has his own parking spot for.. his five fancy cars, Y/N count. Not including the Tesla earlier. He stopped at a black Audi TT. Unlocking it doors, Harry opened the passenger door for Y/N. “Watch your skirt.”

“Thanks.”

Thirty minutes drive, they spent with light chatting. Sometimes singing along together of whatever music played. The conversation make them get to know each other. Y/N talked about her college live, letting Harry know that she had lived in London before. While Harry talk about his application was declined by one of Ivy League universities for his bachelor admission, so he stuck in England for that reason. But Stanford accept his application for his master programme.

Drop off area was crowded by new arrived guests. But the valet quickly approaching the car to help Harry park his car. Seeing blinding lights from a few photographers lined up along the entrance, making Y/N's stomach churn. Sensing her discomfort, Harry squeezed her clothed thigh, “Don't be nervous. This is just dinner after all, nothing to worry about. C'mon.”

Y/N exhaled as Harry stepping out from his seat, then quickly opening her door. She grab Harry's hand as he once stretch out for her to take. Harry gently put his hand on her waist, lead her in. Some men and women greet them when they entered the grand ballroom, wishing them a pleasant night. Before they get the chance to go to their table, the one and only Victoria Selley, bright and radiant in her lilac dress, walking to them with a glass of wine in her hand.

“Hi, Harry.” She smiled sweetly, and turn bitter towards Y/N. “Well, hello there. I don't know if you are invited?”

Ouch.

“Evening, Victoria. I don't know either if you are supposedly invited. Let's get our table, love.” Harry murmured, taking Y/N hand and looking for their table with help of the staff. Once he found it, he pulled a seat for her. The other four seat still vacant.

The magnificent  of the hotel and the decoration amazed her. Seeing the crystal chandeliers, the waiters passing by with dapper uniform, some women with diamonds in their bodies, she instantly knew that this was not a regular event. She could see the staff organizers help other guests find their seats – don't want to give the impression of being unprofessional.

When she sees Harry, she can say that this is his nature. Surrounded by professionalism, luxuries, a prestige.

“You look pissed with Victoria.” Y/N asks, then thanking waiter for filling up her drink. He shrugged, “She's still bad person from the last time I met her.”

“So, you already know her?” She ask curiously.

“We kinda.. had a story together. But not quite pleasant way. That's why, if you noticed the day we had meeting with her, I kinda shock. Never think will meet her again.”

“She must be horrible girlfriend at that time if you said that. Not shocking. I don't like her too.” Y/N murmurs, her gaze was divided between Harry and the host who just started the event.

Harry chuckle, his dimples on full force. He didn't denied the girlfriend thing. He talk about her openly like it's nothing, nowadays not many people still want to discuss their ex-lover, most of them would shut the question immediately. “Why?”

“You could see the true colour of people from the way talk. As easy as that.”

“Harry?”

A male voice interrupted their talk while sitting next to Harry. A man who seemed to be the same age as Harry, his ocean blue eyes piercing from the glasses he wears. Harry grinned, giving the man a bro hug.

“Hey, Niall. What are you doing here, mate?”

That Niall guy giving him his one million dollar smile, “Eh, representing the hospital council. No biggie.” His deep accent catch Y/N's attention. He doesn't sound like Brits. “Are you coming yourself?”

“Well, not this time. Y/N, this is Niall Horan – my best friend, he works for Nuffield Health. And Niall, this is Y/N.” Harry introduce the two. Niall smiled, shaking Y/N's hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too, Niall.”

“Did I miss something? The traffic is quite shit tonight.” Niall ask. Harry shake his head, “Not at all. The council just delivered a speech.”

“Oh, Harold. When will you schedule the next session? You just said that it might get worse. Should I give you additional prescription until you get your shit together?”

Niall's words caught her off guards. She doesn't misheard that, does she? Prescription? Is Harry sick? But he looks fine. While Niall stared at Harry questioningly, Harry just froze at his seat, while shooting a glare to his friends. But seems Niall doesn't understand.

“You're sick Harry?” Y/N asks slowly. “No, no darling. I'm fine.” He answered, but Y/N could sense uncertainty in his voice. Niall widened his eyes, understanding this situation. “He just need his vitamins and supplements, nothing to worry. You know he's very busy man.” He added.

“By the way, thank you for the donation, Harry. It really helps the hospital, you know.” Niall change the subject, “Erskine still hold the highest donors position to Nuffield, not surprised.”

“Ah, it's nothing than the company's revenue tho. As long as we can, why not?”

“So, you work as a doctor, Niall?” Y/N try to join the conversation. Niall looks like a nice person to talk to.

“He's one of the doctors at Guildford Hospital, if you want to consult with him, you must make a special appointment. Very busy doctor.” Harry teases, with a laughter coming from Niall, “Hey, don't be like that! But yes, my job every day is examine patients.”

Their conversation was interrupted when waiters offering the main course – indicates the council's speech is over. Niall jokingly ask to them if he could have all they have to offer. Harry shoves his shoulder immediately. “Watch your calories, I don't want you to confide to me if you gain excess weight!”

Y/N laughs, they seem really best friends from the way they were joking, even she can comfortably talk to both of them like old friends. Dishes was fantastic, the ambiance really makes Y/N do not want to leave, could stay a night in their hotel room if she could. She's sure will spend a lot of money if she wants to treat herself here.

“All right, Harry. See you later! Don't forget to call me right away.” Niall hug him before heading out, the event end ten minutes ago but the three of them too engrossed in conversation.

“Sure, drive safe mate!”

“See ya later, love.” It's his turn now to hug Y/N in friendly way. She smiled, “Bye, Niall. It was nice to meet you.”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you. You both look cute together.” He winks, grabbing his suit jacket in his chair, then heading out. Both Harry and Y/N just chuckled, waving their hand to Niall.

“He's nice.” Y/N mumbled, taking her purse off the table.

“The most easy going lad I've ever met.” Harry nodded, while leading her out. “C'mon.”

“Hey, Harry!” Someone shouted when they were waiting for Harry's car from the valet. Harry pretended not to hear, but Y/N patted his shoulder . Her eyes on someone who was approaching them. A tall man dressed in velvet green tux, grinning with his arms open wide. Y/N could see Harry's facial expression change.

“Hey, I didn't see you earlier. Where were you hiding?” This man spoke in sneering tone, both his hands in pockets.

“What do you want Dale?” Harry ask lowly, his eyes ignored the man he called with Dale. Dale smirked, eyes seeing a woman next to Harry.

“I don't know you've got new girl here, the media hasn't reported anything yet. Feeling just yesterday that I saw you in a magazine on steamy vacation with a model. What's the name?”

“Dale, if you want to talk a gibberish like that. I'll never ever listen to your bullshit.” Harry growled, staring to glare at Dale. Y/N doesn't know what happened between them. Never meet let alone hear his name before. Seems Harry was having bad blood with this guy from the way he talk to him.

Dale ignore Harry, he instead coming closer to Y/N. His fingers inappropriately touching her chin, “Hello, beauty. What's your name?”

Before Y/N could respond, Harry quickly pulled her behind him. His hand grabbing Dale's lapels. Y/N gasps, swiftly trying to separate them. Fortunately, there aren't many people here, only a few who were busy with their own business.

“Harry, don't.” She begs, her hand on his waist and the other hold his shoulder.

“Don't touch her with your grimy hands. Who do you think you are?” He fumed. In a blinking eyes, his eyes grow darker, hands still on lapels, his veins poking out.

“Well, I think you keep her because she's good in pleasing you in bed, doesn't she? You have never been like this before with your.. whore.”

“Harry!”

His fist punched Dale's face along with Y/N's shrieking. Dale's fell to the floor, with Harry keep giving him some good punches on the face. Some people watching with curiosity.

“Harry, no – please!” Y/N's hands trying as hard to separate them. She could see Dale's swollen face, but Harry's hand look fine. Like he didn't do anything.

“Let's go, H. He doesn't deserve your attention.” She murmurs, rubbing his chest to calm him down. Sneaking his arm around her waist, Harry lead Y/N to his waiting car.

“Calm yourself or let me drive this beauty. We don't want to drive in anger, do we?” Y/N ask cheekily, trying to soften atmosphere because she still could feel Harry's panting breath. He said nothing while snatch the key from valet, walk quickly to the driver's side. Y/N huffed, smiling apologetically to the valet.

Silence fill the air during the drive, making Y/N a little worried. Even Harry doesn't turn on music as usual. Her worries getting worse when Harry start driving recklessly.

“Harry..” She try to call him, looked at him carefully.

No response.

“Harry, you're scaring me right now.”

His expression still raged, eyes on the road, knuckles hard on the wheel. He was silent like he's only one in the car, like she was not there.

“Jesus, Harry!” Tires screeching loudly when he hit the brakes in sudden motion. Y/N body was pushed forward, but held back by the safety belt. Y/N breathless for a second. Before she wants to throw a tantrum to Harry, she realised he was avoided another speeding car by getting out of the way.

Harry rest his forehead on the wheel, with his hands gripping tightly.

“Harry, it's okay.” She squeak, her hand rubbing his shoulder slowly, fingers feeling his stiff muscles. Slowly, stroking his hair, “Do you.. do you want to talk about what happened.. earlier?”

Five minutes passed until Harry open his mouth, “You know Machtig?” head still on the wheel. Keep stroking his hair, Y/N nods “You once told me before.”

“That fucker is working for Machtig. He was a friend from my school's day. And I.. I really.. really don't like him because of what he did to me years ago – even now. Seeing his face made me sick.” His deep voice spoke quickly, unlike he does usually.

“But,” Now, Harry lifted his head. Staring deeply at her, still with dark irises. “He's one of the people who made a Harry Styles like this.”

Y/N frowned, “You told me, Machtig was sold by your father's friend, didn't you? Is he related?”

Harry laughed, leaning his head on headrest. “I don't want to know. Not my fucking business. Every time Erskine was invited to a bid, Machtig always come along with that piece of shit as the negotiator.”

“I just hope that accident earlier wasn't taken advantage by him.”

“Don't fucking care.” He hissed, fingers tapping on the wheel. Then, his eyes bored into hers. Y/N start to feel awkward when he's hesitant to break his eye contact. “What's wrong, Harry?”

“You're so beautiful.” He whispered, thumbs stroking her cheeks.. then jaw.

“Thank.. you?” She stammered.

“He's very.. very lucky.”

He?

Harry's finger still wandering around her face, thumbs caressing her lips slowly. The air started to feel getting more intense, while Y/N began to be allured by Harry's soft touch. He slowly leaned in, pulling her chin until his lips touch hers. Y/N froze, eyes blinking. His hand cupped her jaw while the other still on her chin. She slowly closed her eyes, kissing him back, trusting him. It's getting way too intense while her arms grabbed his neck, deepening the kiss.

Harry bit her lips with hand rubbing her exposed thigh wildly. Y/N let out a soft moan when Harry was stroking her inner thigh, another hand caressing her bare back.

The car feel so hot as well as their body. One thing they knew, this could be lead to another way.

.

.

[jeonchan26]

Used To Be (Bang Chan)

Warnings; heavy angst, low self-esteem.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You saw it coming, he wasn’t the same anymore. You saw him distant himself from you & as much as you tried to hold on you know that there was no point. He started to act different towards you, he ignored you every time you called or texted him saying he was busy. When you saw him around school he would walk pass you without glancing at you. But deep down you knew it was about to happened eventually. You knew Chan didn’t love you anymore, that the feelings for you disappear you were just waiting for him to end it.

This wasn’t the first time it happened to you, your past boyfriend did the exactly same thing. When he was done with you he threw you away like you meant nothing to him, like your present bother him. It’s been two years since that horrible heartbreak & then you met Chan. Little by little you started falling for him, his smile, his laugh, his personality just everything about him. He gave you hope that you needed at the time but if you knew that it was going to end the same why you would of left before it was to late.

Now your sitting in the gym, crying your heart out thinking on what you could of done wrong. ‘Why would he stay with someone like me? He is so handsome and nice, he is perfect. I’m just average there’s nothing special about me. It’s my fault for thinking this time it would be different. He deserve someone better than me’ you thought. You heard the bell ring which meant it was time for class. Before you went to your last class you stop at the bathroom and cleaned yourself up. Your last class was with Chan and his friends and you didn’t want to look like a wreck.

You walked into class and sat in the front, while Chan and his friends sat at the back. You felt your phone vibrate it was a text from Chan.

Channie💛: Can we talk after school? Meet me at the table by the tree outside the building.

You felt your heart drop because you knew what was happening. You knew he was going to break up with you. You started to mentally prepare yourself.

(Y/N): Sure.

Time went by fast before you know you were walking towards the table. You saw Chan and his friends but as soon as they saw you Chan got up walked towards and you guys made you way towards the tree. His friends just started but look away to give you guys some privacy.

You played with your fingers while looking down at the grass. You were scared to look at Chan because you knew you would break down. You heard him sigh;

“Listen (y/n), umm I don’t know how to say this but umm I think we should break up.” Chan started making your heart break more. “I just don’t feel the same way anymore & I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have. I’m sorry it ended like this but it’s for the best.” Chan finally said. You looked up at him & gave him a weak smile. You knew it was coming so you were somewhat prepared.

“I understand. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you. But I saw it coming.” You told him. Chan looked at you confused, “What do you mean?” “I mean it’s my fault Chan. You’re this perfect wonderful guy and I’m just me. There’s nothing special about me, I knew that sooner or later it was going happen. I just wish it happen before I fell in love you.”

“Wait no, that’s not wh” you caught him off before he could explain. “It’s okay, you’re not the first someone to leave me” you gave a small chuckle. “It’s okay, I understand I hope you find someone that makes you happy” with those last words you left feeling a bit proud that you didn’t cry atleast not infront of him. You walked by his friends and they were giving you pity looks. That was the last thing you wanted because you knew once everybody found out that’s how they were going to look at you.

You made it home and broke down. ‘I should have known this was going to happen. I’m so stupid to think this time was different. That a guy like him would like a someone like me. I couldn’t even keep my first boyfriend, why would Chan be different.’ You kept thinking, your mind would only think about Chan and everything about him.

Days passed and you decided to go back to school. Finals were coming up and you couldn’t miss anymore school. You looked at your self in the mirror and you couldn’t recognize the person staring back. You had bags under your eyes, you look skinner and pale. You didn’t care, you left to school trying to figure how avoid Chan and his friends. You got to school and you kept your head down walking towards your locker, but you could feel the stares and hear the whispers. You tried your best to ignore it, that was until you walked passed Chan and his friends. The scene infront of you broke more than you could imagine. He had another girl in his arms, looking at her with love the same look he would give you. You put your head down and walk faster but you heard woojin call him and point to you.

You ran into the bathroom and locked yourself in there. ‘It’s only been a few days and he already has someone else. She is so beautiful no wonder he left me. He had found someone better than me & I was holding him back. This isn’t some love story where he would fight to win me back. It’s only been a three days and he has someone else’ you cried. The bell rang and you cleaned yourself up and went to class. Every class was a drag but you were surprise on how well you were doing. Nobody really talk to you, you didn’t have that many friends and you the few friends you had haven’t really check up on you. During lunch, you decided to go the library to study hope the last bell won’t ring.

You didn’t want to go to the last class because Chan was in there and the last thing you want is to see him. The bell rang and you took a deep breath and walk to class. You sat and in your chair and waited for class to start. As soon as Chan and his friends walked in everybody in class walking in making the class get quiet and look at you guys. You put your head down and started to pull your stuff out. Chan walked to his seat and acted like nothing happened.

Soon the professor came and started teaching, you payed attention to everything he said and wrote down notes. 20 mins before the bell ran the professor gave you guys some study time and left the room. You were in your on little world trying to study when you felt the chair next you being pulled and someone sat down. Your first thought was Chan but you were more surprise when you saw your ex-boyfriend Micheal. You gave him a confused look and he just smirked at you.

“Do you need something?” You ask in a quiet voice and this point. You saw that everybody was staring at you, including Chan and his friends. “No, I just wanted to ask you if you were okay?” He asked you. You look puzzled, but before you can answer he cut you off. “Haha who am I kidding you look like shit. I’m sorry but come on (y/n) you should of seen that coming. Chan will never love a girl like you, if I didn’t want you why would he?” He said loud enough for everybody to hear. All you could do is look down and clench your pencil. You hated him, how could he embarrass you like that infront of the class. “He didn’t even care about you, he already has another girl and forgot about you like the trash you are haha” at this point you were crying but what he said next made your heart into dust. “If you were good enough maybe we would of kept you.” You got up so quick and left that you didn’t see Chan behind you ready to punch your ex.

Chan saw you run out crying but decided against running after you. He had to take care of your ex first. “What the fuck is your problem man!” He said while grabbing him by his shirt. Han and mihno tried holding him back but it was useless. Chan was pissed that he would talk to you like that. “Oh come on chan. Don’t try to act like the hero here because you left her just like I did. You threw her away and found someone new. Or am I wrong” he said while smirk. Chan punched him in the face and walk out followed by his friends.

You ran all the way home & locked yourself. Turn off your phone and just cried & cried. You couldn’t believe this was happening you felt so worthless, unwanted and you don’t even know what you did to Micheal to have him hate you so much. You wanted Chan, you wanted him to hold you and tell you that everything was going to be okay that he loved you and nothing else matter. You want his kiss, his touch just everything. But you knew that he wasn’t your anymore.

Should I make a part 2?🦋

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #255

“who gives a fuck if they hate you; you’re the god that they pray to.”

How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. Could you go a day not talking to the last person you kissed? It would suck. What was the last song you listened to that made you cry? I didn't like, sob, but "Another Life" by Motionless In White does it. Your ex REALLY needs you at 3am and you have a way to their house would you go? Well, I can't with Sara considering she lives two hours away, and that's by plane. If she lived here, duh. For Girt or Jason, yes. Without saying any names what is one thing that you would like to say to someone(s)? I'm sorry. Would your parents get mad if you got drunk while they were present? No. Would you date someone who lived in another state? Eh, maybe. I don't know if I want to do long-distance again. I mean I probably would, but idk. Are you friends with your ex? Sara and Girt, yes. Who is the person you last texted? Sara. When’s the last time you told people you were fine, but really weren’t? I dunno, I honestly don't lie about that often. When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? Months back when I found out the shit my therapist said about me and disability. Not only did I want to knock her jaw off, but I sobbed for like, a long-ass time. Who did you spend your summer with last year? Just Mom, really. ... Or wait, maybe that was the summer Sara was here??? My memory is such shit, idk if that was last year or the one before. What’s bothering you right now? Stress about dropping out. Have you lost friends in the past year? I don't think so, at least. Have you and the last person you kissed ever talked about going out? We did date. If the person you’re dating said they were falling in love with you, what would you do? I'm not dating anyone. Who was the last person you were in love with for more than a year? Sara. Do you have a secret life? RP stays a pretty big secret. Have you ever seen the last person you kissed without a shirt? Yes. Do your parents know EVERYTHING about you? No. What are you watching? Nothing rn, surprisingly. I'm listening to music. Are you friends with your best friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend? She's single. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Yeah. There’s a serial killer in your house, what do you do? Jump out the window. If the last person you kissed went back to their first love, what would you do? I think I am hers. Do you own any bug spray? No, not currently. We need some damn wasp killer. Every spring/summer, they build a nest literally right above our back door. Are you a good gift giver? Honestly think I'm really good at it. I always try to put a load of thought into it. What's the longest trip you’ve ever been on? The drives to either NY or Florida. I can't remember which is further. Are you a daughter or son-in-law? No. Do you know anyone in the military? Multiple people. Do you like your significant other's siblings? N/A Have you ever received a singing birthday card? Yeah. Those always suck when you open them and boom, loud singing to an obnoxious song. Do you own anything made by APPLE? My iPod. Have you ever tried Hamburger helper? Yeah, that was a semi-frequent dinner as a kid. I never liked it that much, though. What was your first car's color? N/A Do you have a best friend? Ye. Do you remember who your Kindergarten teacher was? I do. Do you have a favorite president? A least favorite? No, considering I don't know enough about any and their policies. Can you french braid? No. Were you ever a girl scout or a boy scout? I was as a tiny kid. I met my first best friend that way. What's your least favorite color? I'm just gonna use the very basic colors: yellow or green. Do you know anyone in jail? Not currently. Do you have kids? Ew. What's the strangest name you’ve ever heard? Apples. Yes. I'm serious. How old were you when you learned to walk? Idk. Do you own anything made of lace? Yeah. What's your favorite football team? Idc. What kind of bubble gum do you chew? Just about any. Fruity is my favorite. Do you wear a one-piece bathing suit or two-piece, a speedo or trunks? NOBODY needs to see me in a two-piece. Did you go to your senior prom? Yes. Do you support a charity? Well of course. I used to give coins to those super-old charity things for sick kids back in the day, but I can't remember the exact charity it was. I also donated hair to Children With Hair Loss a couple years back. I haven't donated to any other that I know of bc no personal income and I don't ask my parents for money really, but boy have I wanted to. I always use that Facebook feature where you pick a charity to share and ask for donations for your birthday, though; I've done the Trevor Project and one for pancreatic cancer in honor of my grandmother. I don't remember the others. Do you pop your knuckles? EW no please don't in my presence @ Sara. Do you scrapbook? No. I just don't have the creative drive and dedication to. If you could change your eye color would you and to what color? A much brighter blue. Have you ever had braces? For a long-ass time because we couldn't afford to take them off. One tooth is pushed too far back because of it. Imagine your dream home, does it have a fence around it? No. I want to live in the woods where *that's* my yard. When were you the saddest in your whole life? 2016 OH WOWIE WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever seen a ghost? I definitely believe I have. Are you a virgin? No. How many books do you read a month? I like, just started reading again, so I can't say. Can you type fast? Very. In school were you bullied? I'm extremely thankful I wasn't. Have you ever swam in the ocean? Yes, I love it. Do you own a boat? Not me myself, no. Dad does. What about a camper? No. Do you read the newspaper? No. Are you on any teams? Team Mystic in Pokemon Go *waggles fist @ criticism* If you died today where do you think you’d go? Idk. Who really knows what happens when you die. I hope it's some serene existence, but, *shrugs*. Do you know anyone who is pregnant? Ummmm I don't think so. Who is the first contact in your cell phone? Best friend! :') What color are you bed sheets? The one I'm using now is light blue. Do you use online dating? I cannot FUCKING believe I was briefly on Christian Mingle I would actually rather die- How often are you sick? Extremely rarely. Did/Do you miss a lot of school? Eh. I had my mental health days and had to leave early a lot. Do you like scented candles? Yeah man. When was the last time you were told you were pretty/beautiful/gorgeous? When I recently changed my FB picture after forever. Do you hate the last guy, other than family, you had a conversation with? No. What’s the last thing that made you laugh? Roman being silly. If someone were to ask you out right now would you say yes? I don't know. Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? Yeah. Name four things you want right now: My fucking tattoo updated laksjdlflw, a healthy goddamn weight, my laptop, and a tarantula omg. Do you prefer to hold or be held? I mean, it depends on who we're talking about. I guess generally held? Are you currently wanting any piercings? You have no idea. Are you afraid of falling in love? Very. What was the last thing that made you feel like your life was complete? lol I've never felt that. You ever slept on the floor with someone you liked? Yeah. Do you still speak to any of your classmates from elementary school? Off the very top of my head, no. Does it take a lot to make you cry? NOPE. What is the wallpaper on your computer screen? Why did you choose it? One of my favorite pictures of Teddy, because I adore and miss him. Is there a pattern on the pants you’re currently wearing? Which one? Plaid. Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? I mean, not especially. They're crowded and it's a bad association anyway since it was the last time I hung out with Jason. The cake is indeed the best part, lmao. Mexican food, Chinese food, Italian food, French food or American food? American. What is the color scheme of your absolute favorite fast-food restaurant? Red, yellow, and blue. Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? Very rarely. I'm not all that tall. Is there carpet or hardwood floor in your bedroom? Carpet. Do you believe in superstitious things such as breaking a mirror? No. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? As someone who is bipolar, very much so, yes. Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? What was it for? Yes, for my liver. I was fine. Do you like those "end of the world," "Armageddon" movies? Not especially. Ever been choked severely on something during lunch at your school? No. Do you remember who you sat next to in Kindergarten? Who was it? No. Has anyone ever compared you to an animal? Which one(s)? No. Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? Fruits, by far. Strawberries and broccoli. Something on the human body that grosses you out the most: This is not intentional or meant to be discriminatory of those with 'em, but penises literally repulse me visually. Do you like meeting new people? What’s your most common greeting? Yeah, even though I'm scared. I think I say "hi" or "hey" most. What is something that bothers you about most surveys in general? Extremely heteronormative. Would you survive if zombies were to take over the world? Why or why not? HA no. I'm an anxious mess that is not fast or nimble in any way. What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? I like the reddish/yellowish ones. Do you live anywhere near a mall? Maybe like, 15-20 mins away. If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? My mom. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? NO. What’s your favorite lunch meat, if you even like any in the first place? Honey ham. Would you rather write with a pen or a pencil? Why is this? Pencil, by far. You can erase. Scibbling stuff out looks messy. Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? I am NOT kidding: one of the motivating factors of me going back to public school after 8th grade was the idea of making new friends and maybe making a band to be the guitarist lmfao. Who is your role model or hero in life if you have one? I have multiple for different reasons, but #1's gotta be Mark, man. Were you a really mean kid or a sweet and quiet kid? I was a really friendly kiddo. Do you keep secrets from your parents that you don’t keep from your friends? I don't think so. What is your father’s best friend’s name? Do you know them personally? Idk who that would be. Ever submit a video to America’s Funniest Home Videos? I don't believe we have. The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? Jesus fuck, I wouldn't wish having an infected cyst drained without NEARLY enough numbing medication on the goddamn devil. Are you someone who likes to eat Poptarts? What’s your favorite flavor? Yeah. I like the chocolate sundae one most. Ever have a dream you’re being abducted by aliens? Was it scary? No. What is your favorite flavor of Doritos? What do you drink with them? MMMMMMMMMMM cool ranch. Usually soda with chips. What is your favorite nickname you like to be called? Why do you like it? Ozzy. *shrugs* I like my online nickname and the "y" added sounds kinda affectionate ig. Do you already have your outfit for tomorrow planned out? I don’t plan my outfits. Has your favorite song ever been featured on a commercial? No. What would you say was the best year of your life? Why? 2017. SO MUCH DEVELOPMENT AND HEALING!!!!!!! Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? No. Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? No.

[itsinvisiblelocket91]

13 years of Taylor. (This is long. I’m sorry)

So I’ve decided to tell my story on how I found Taylor and the Impact she’s had one me, and what she’s helped me through the past 13 years. I figure it’s appropriate to do this during the Lover era and 13 years of Taylor!!

I’ll start with when I was 16 (almost 17) and sitting in the dark on my couch with a blanket wrapped around me. I was just skimming through the channels and landed on the ACM Awards. There was a tiny, tall, kinky ,curly, blonde headed girl in a black jacket and denim jeans and a guitar, sitting on a stool. All the sudden she tears it off and goes into dramatics of why this boy should have said no. Soon to go into a rain shower of “no’s”. I absolutely got chills and could not take my eyes off her. She sang in the rain, just drenched, soak and wet but singing her heart out about the boy who did her wrong. She ended the song and I was stunned! She was so happy after her performance. There was a standing ovation and she was so giddy and couldn’t believe the reaction she was getting. So genuine and honest. I replayed and watched it a couple times but at some point I HAD to stop and go to bed. I remember walking up the stairs to my room and decided that I was never gonna forget this girl and I needed to look her stuff up and soon.

Later on I had discovered her debut album “Taylor Swift” but didn’t go into a whole spiral of obsession like I am currently. I had her music on my laptop. I remember me and my friends making horrible remakes of “our song”, “tryin to find a place in this world”, and “Tim McGraw “ if only those video still existed. I started finding posters in magazines of her to hang up on my wall.

One day, my mom came home with the new “fearless” album for me only days after my birthday. I didn’t ask for it, she just got it but I’m so glad she did. The rest of that year, we played that CD to school and back in my moms Jeep. My school was 45 mins away so you can imagine I learned this album QUICK. I was 100% a hopeless romantic in high school and had crazy amount of crushes happening but also learning that they don’t have to like you or they can break up with you through a piece of paper at lunch. I remember wishing the song “15” came sooner for me, but greatful it was there cause even at 17-18 I didn’t know who I was. I felt Taylor was there to help me find that in myself. I was supper shy and definitely made fun of/ bullied in school. It was nice to know someone knew all about it and could let me know how to maybe handle it and all the other things high school came with.

January 13th 2010, my grandpa died of cancer. He had, had it for years at this point. I suddenly couldn’t listen to breathe anymore and still can’t to this day. For some reason it just hits different sense then. He was a father figure to me sense me, my brother and mom lived with my grandma and grandpa after her divorce. Not that my dad wasn’t around. It’s just he was always there to protect me and care for me as much as my mom was.

Soon it was time for me to graduate high school (I graduated early) and I remember being in like a limbo of “what now”. I watched the VMAS that year....2009. I remember watching it live. I burst into my moms room while she was sleeping to tell her what just happened to you. I was so angry. How dare he? You WORKED SO HARD! I laid in bed to mad that I couldn’t do anything. But what else could I do.

Speak Now was then released and I downloaded the album that night. Idky, but I listened to “last kiss” on repeat tell I fell asleep. (Weird I know). At the time I was talking to a certain someone that I never thought would have ever batted an eye in my direction from my high school. I had dated him for a week but it just wasn’t the right time for either of us. Clearly Speak Now said something to me. That night I was in the dark on the phone with him while the moonlight blazed through my blinds. He told me “I would always be of high importance to him and that he wanted to take me out on my birthday” At that moment, I new I needed to jump. I didn’t jump before because I was scared and with other boys I did the same thing before. Nothing.

Speak now told me to do this before you keep regretting not jumping.

I jumped.

I absolutely didn’t have my drivers licenses.

My mom was absolutely out of town

And I absolutely took my car that I would get when legal to drive to go see this boy who gave me a romantic conversation over the phone.

I felt like I was gonna throw up. 100% scared and blaring sparks fly in what was technically my car.

I met him at the park and we went to eat from there in his car.

I couldn’t believe what I was doing. This was jumping.

After that night, that was it. He was it.

I was 19 and 100% sure that this was it.

(Good thing I was right 🥰)

My mom was furious. I even moved out.

I listened to speak now that entire time. It was a huge part of my life. I would cry every time I left him and put on speak now and it would comfort me and I would be ok.

Years go by and then low and be hold RED is debuting

(19 year old jumping from house to house just to be with him. I slept on peoples floors)

My mom had gotten married and moved to Kentucky so I went to visit her. Engaged and sitting in my moms car, my mom comes out of Walgreens with a RED T-shirt, and album for me cause I was begging. I remember hear IKYWT and thinking oh hell, we’re going into something new? I sat in my moms guest room and listened to RED and loved it. I remember thinking how sad I was for Taylor. That this is what love has become for her. Red. Something that will probably end at some point.

That was about the time that the honeymoon phase was fading out for me and my fiancé. It’s funny how that’s like a light switch and you don’t realize what kinda care you have to give and put into your love life until one day, reality hits and you want certain things. Maybe things you both don’t agree on. You start having to grow up and dealing with actual life problems you didn’t see when you were blinded by the infatuation you have for each other. That’s when RED started making sense to me. Fighting and hurting each other cause we’re 20-21 and have no idea what we’re doing. Engaged and love each other but have no clue about life and doing it. That year was my first Taylor Concert with nose bleed seats of course cause I made $7.25 an hour and a friend of mine paid for them. I screamed every word with my poster board and almost broke into tears during the entire thing. I had only wished I could get closer because I wanted to see her face to face for once. I still had the time of my life screaming and jumping around to 22!

(My sign for the red tour)

The RED era started to come to an end and me and my fiancé FINALLY got out first place together. A home that was falling apart, and illegally made into a duplex. No central a/c or heat. Insulation was probably 0% as well. This was the hardest year for us. It was Texas and Texas is brutal with heat. Shake it off debuted and I desperately tried, I promise. I was so excited for this step in Taylor’s Career and was so excited to see what the next step in my life would need to get through it. Another album to help me deal with unknowing in life and my relationship with my fiancé.

One night at midnight, I had no internet to buy an album not any money for album, let alone food in the house. I stayed up all night waiting for the album to download on YouTube that someone posted. I would buy the album which I did and still have but that night I just needed to hear it. I was up tell 5am. I didn’t know that a week later I was going to need this album more than anything.

We had a fight

The fight.

It was horrible. I sat in the dark in our broken home thinking “this can’t be it” I left to my grandmas house the next day in tears and for a week me and him argued, trying to work it out. I couldn’t understand it. I listened to All you had to do was stay like there wasn’t another song to exist. There was a night that I finally got angry. I formed my entire life around this man. How dare you give up on us so easily? I drove down scared and angry and ready to get my stuff while listening to 1989, trying to calm down but the adrenaline was crazy. I get there and that night we both break down and try to ACTUALLY work things out. I listened to Taylor so much that year. 1989 ended up being a staple. I finally got a job and we found a new apartment together. One where our electricity wasn’t $20 a day and I didn’t have to share my trash can with the neighbors. A completely new beginning and trying to heal after such a hard year. Still engaged after 3 years. We finally are getting on track. I even met some amazing people and finally a swiftie who GET ME! Shake it off came on and work and we looked at each other and I’ll never forget it. I made some great friends that I really needed that year. It’s amazing what can happen in 1 year. They ended up being a bridesmaid in my wedding and makeup artist.

YES I SAID MY WEDDING

06/25/16 we finally made it. I walked down the aisle to your in love.

I couldn’t breathe and the a/c in the church was broken in the summer. He was sweating, my dress hit a lantern twice, we joked at the alter with the crowd. It was personal and real and small. Hectic and stressful too.

You disappeared for awhile after this. I couldn’t believe the existent the media, and some reality stars/ rap singers were taking. I was very angry. I was a little confused even and wasn’t sure of what to think. I knew of all the battles at this point that you already were fighting and then this happened. Another limbo without you happened. I had all your music but you were gone. I’m thankful knowing what I do now and that you ended up ok. Better than ok.

You vented your feeling and brought out reputation!!! Naturally this ended up being the year I had to get rid of any toxic friends that I had. I had some actual good friends and I started to see the difference in what I deserved. It also could also do with my age and growing up but still. On top of that, things still ended up being hard for me and my husband that year. We were seeing each other a lot cause of work and we were becoming distant. There was a temptation I had that I didn’t give in to but it hurt. We ended up deciding that we needed to go. Get out of town and leave. We picked up our important belongings and left in 2 weeks tops.

We moved to Kentucky which made me closer to my mom and helped a lot. My husband moved for us away from his family for us and that was everything in itself. I listened to all of her albums on my 14 hour drive from Texas to Kentucky. I was scared beyond belief and with some bumps in the road. We finally made it.

Fast forward to know and it’s been a year in Kentucky and Lover is out.

Me and my husband have decided to try and start a family. That’s how good this move has been for us. We have a 2 bedroom apartment and 2 fur babies. I love the fall here, and Lover has a special place in my heart just like the others. This year has been very good for me and my husband. I was putting up fall decorations a couple days ago and I teared up at the line “this is our place we make the call” I looked around and it WAS ours. I was decorating while he was laughing at his xbox game. We did it. This era is different. I can’t wait to see what this era will show me.

@taylorswift @taylornation

[virryth]

Finals!AU Monsta X

Literally nobody asked but our struggle with finals brought us here. 

how Monsta X deals with the stress of finals and their study habit

jooheon

spent 3 hrs making the perfect study playlist for finals, skips every song

makes changkyun study with him cause "he can't study alone or he'll fall asleep" and changkyun knows that it won’t end well cause they'll just end up f*cking around but he always comes anyways

hyunwoo looking at their tomfoolery: my boys... no... study…

kihyun: f*cking study you headasses jooheon you need a 98 to get a B

jooheon is that guy that has so many friends in all his classes that he has multiple study groups for every class so he ends up wasting time studying the same thing with different groups

he doesn't procrastinate much but he does take.. absurdly long breaks...

his definition of a break is visiting the study room next door for "a couple of minutes"

jihoon once he sees jooheon waving outside the window of svt's study room: "oh no we're not gonna get anything done"

jihoon as he sees jackson spotting jooheon and they walk to svt's room together: "f*UCK NO I NEED TO GRADUATE"

but jooheon means well! he just loves spending time with his friends and studying feels lonely....

Through the force of exam anxiety he managed to cram and write up good cheat sheet the night before

somehow managed to get the professor to round his B- to a B

changkyun

carries three (3) tumblers with him: one with woTAh, one with coffee, and one with red bull

we don't talk about that semester minhyuk somehow convinced changkyun to mix his coffee and red bull...

he ended up in the ER and he's still trying to pay off his hospital bills... slowly...

kihyun: why the f*ck did u trick the baby you know he's stupid

minhyuk: kihyun… at this point… it's natural selection

aNYWAYS changkyun is very auditory is his learning!

he tries to record his lectures and he'll listen to them. that's his "studying"

has a hard time memorizing… can barely remember his functions and laws and equations

general bio?? yeah he barely passed, made kihyun tutor him the whole semester and kissed ki on the cheek when he passed with a C-

he makes little songs to memorize his equations and it's honestly so cute... wonho had to pinch a cheek

ran out of practice problems to do cause he loves doing them

he and jooheon fool around a lot but he's the level one out of the two and he will sit both his and jooheon's ass down when the time comes for it

gets good grades on his finals! baby deserved it uwu

hyungwon

out of all the 7, he's secretly the most diligent

one of those people who pretends that they don’t study much to act cool but secretly is working very hard on his grades

reviews his notes after every lecture so by finals week he has a good grasp of the concepts

sharp enough to fill the blanks in himself

so yeah he's set he just needs to review

one time hyunwoo meant well and booked the monstas a study room

hyungwon was napping on his notes, citing something about "studying by osmosis"

always makes sure to get a full 10 hours before every exam

everyone else: running on 2 hrs of sleep, hair messy, eyebags, rumpled clothes

hyungwon awake with his outfit picked out, skin glowing and hair gelled: :)

he'll help jookyun the babies with reviewing. he's the friend that you ask to quiz you over concept cause he's brutally honest on when you get it right/wrong 

aces all his exams, but it doesn't even matter cause he only needed a 75 to get an A

kIHYUN

is insanely ambitious, is taking 8 classes and he has 5 finals... rip..

has a study schedule set up by 30 mins increments

do not even bREATHE wrong in his direction during finals week or he will cut you

color codes his notes according to subjects, has flashcards, 3d models for ochem...

goes to every single review session that almost always ends up being useless cause he already knew everything

you need his notes? well maybe if u asked before finals week he'd consider it..

when he's not trying to not kill himself he's trying to make sure his friends are alive cause minhyuk... is that pepsi you're having for breakfast???

mh: yeah... what did u have for breakfast?

ki: uh... nothing??

mh: well i'm already doing better than you, buddy

but seriously he tries to take care of everyone when he himself is a mess.... secretly carries a toothbrush just in case he'll 'accidentally' sleep in the library

during exam day he made sure to have everything he needs

unexpectedly in the middle of the exam his eraser fell and rolled into a gap between the rows in front of him

he was already close to crying

yoongi, concerned, slides his eraser to the table between them

ends up with an A, brags to the monstas about how they should follow his habits

hyungwon: bit*h where

minhyuk

king of procrastination? yes

you thought you were bad? you don’t have anything on lee minhyuk

downloads one of those game-blocking apps on his pc & laptop to block games during finals…plays games on his phone anyways...

loUD. never stops talking in the study room

is the reason the study room next to theirs always knocks on the wall to get them to shut the f*ck up

minhyuk: don’t worry i'll talk to them! :D

"they were my friends! omg i haven’t talked to yoonho in forever wait hyungwon do you remem-"

when the monstas finally got him to stfu he looked so serious looking at his laptop and writing things down the monstas were shook™ 

he was just drawing one piece fan art

is that kid who write inspirational cute things like “you’ll do great” or “grades don’t define you” on the library whiteboards or behind a bathroom stall

showed up to the wrong building on his final because the building abbreviations were similar

doesn't even flinch and walks in leisurely 20 mins late

somehow did decent??? life is unfair

wonho

lives in the campus coffee shop!

cause it's warm and cozy and it smells nice! and of course aesthetics™ 

barista seungcheol seeing wonho every morning when they open: oh you're here again??? :o

wonho: yeah!! :D

but it's cute they eventually become friends and wonho gets free refills

when u thought... the :D smile couldn’t get any cuter... the corners lifted up even more…  how could seungcheol resist the :3

his finals are mostly practicals and oral exams so he doesn't hit the books in the general sense

brings a bunch of papers anyways and takes aesthetic study pictures even though everyone who actually knows him know it's a lie

is the type to rewrite his notes cause they’re not ‘pretty’ enough and ends up wasting time

hey he's doing it for his other followers ok... they don't know how soft n meme he is yet...

he's really good at his practicals and he has the materials down but somehow struggles with the presentation aspect of his oral exams :((

he stutters a lot and he gets nervous... so it seems like he doesn't know what to do when!! he actually!! knows his stuff!!

so he gets shownu and kihyun to help

wonho: uhh.. next.. you would u-uh.. probe the... i forgot!! I can’t do this i’m sorry!!!

kihyun: no!!! ur doing so well!! come on!!

shownu: yes

practiced a lot and aced everything! buys lunch for the crew cause he's so happy...

shownu

is a TA alongside being a grad student!

grad students still have finals! hyunwoo has 2 finals, a paper, and a project presentation so he’s bUSY

but he cares for his students a lot.. is the only TA who actually bothers prepping for his exam reviews (where he unknowingly gives hints)...

student jinyoung: so is this exact example gonna be on the final?

shownu, sweating nervously: uh,, uhh... no?

his official office hours are 3 hours a week but he always makes time for his students!! he always tries to stay in his office a lot in case they need help!!

hyunwoo loves his subject and he doesn’t want anyone who has interest in it to lose interest because a class is bad

keeps a healthy supply of kihyun’s cookies (kihyun stress bakes and it’s most apparent during finals) in case of a sad or stressed student

king of giving partial credit and everyone loves him for it

exams graded by shownu have an A- average

ends up caring too much and not paying enough attention to his own finals... 

loses a couple of hours of sleep but makes it in the end!!

gets a stunning TA review and a fat bonus

puts the bonus into good food… blissfully ignoring his thesis

-M

[riku-azhurlar]

the true depth of stagnation and taking what you can get

So, first and foremost why I’m posting this here i don’t know. maybe its due too the fact no one except a few people know i have this. but maybe it'll help someone else before they end up like i was not to long ago. forewarning it will be a loooooong read so be prepared.

context

so before my realization of all this imagine me, 20, almost 21 finally get a girlfriend. never had one, girlfriend had some serious health problems and allergies. i at the time took it because i couldn't seem to get a girl otherwise and either it worked out or it didn’t and i got some dating skills for the next girl and we were friends since my junior year of HS. so i thought it waould be fine. so through the time i spent with her i grew to love her and it was the greatest time of my life! I at some point disclosed my mental problems to her because all of them are "silent" ones where if the person didn’t tell you you’d probably never notice. i started changing my habits and diet to better support her allergies. things were great!

when it all fell through...

so fast-forward a while we are engaged by this point and were talking wedding stuff with her mother. now as a quick side note no one in her house apposes anything her mother says, no one has a spine to do so. but then her mother made the mistake of insulting mine. i snapped at her. she got pissy holding my fiance and the insane amount of money she was putting into the wedding hostage for me to apologize to her. even though she was in the wrong! so i sucked up my pride for the girl i loved and who i thought loved me and apologized to her mother with a part saying very nicely and i quote "i would kindly appreciate it if you don't insult my mother again. you have no idea what she goes through on a daily basis" she agreed and that was that.

a few days later me and her had a D&D session with my room mates and somethings felt off. a few days later i was getting off work and saw i had a voice mail from her. i tried listening to it and it just sounded like her crying and then hanging up. i thought her mother did something. made sense. so i tried texting her because it was late and i didn't want to wake up my roommates. no response. tried texting her again the next day because i knew she was at her student teaching so she couldn't answer a phone call. i went into work worried sick for her. fast forward a few hours and I'm on my lunch break watching something on my phone, only had about 10 mins left, and i get a call from her i was so happy to finally hear from her so i quickly accept the call "Hey fiances name! i don't have much time left before i have to head back to work. whats up?"

the second she began to speak i knew i was in for something but i never expected it. through her obviously crying voice "my name i want to call off the engagement." my heart shattered. i asked her why and begged for her not too, begged for answers. what she gave me? "because of your mental problems its shown through recently you cant be supportive of me and i need a partner who can support me" i had a feeling her mother had a play in it so i asked if she did, she claimed she didn't but either way at that point i didn't know what else to say so i said "I'm sorry for being such a bother to you" and hung up. i stormed into the office trying to hold in my tears. what hurt even more is she didn't even let me tell my own mother! i immediately called my mother and she answered immediately with a "what the hell happened?!" in a good way. "i just got a text from ex-fiances name saying the engagements canceled" after explaining everything to the manager on duty she let me go early and i went home and cried. later that night i went to a close friend to help get my mind off of it.

The aftermath

so during the next week i had a lot of time to think. i gave up so much to support her and yet she couldn't be the support for me. first thing i wish i noticed sooner. and she had always said that i needed to find a better job. i worked retail at a Walgreen’s and loved it, but I’m like nah its fine it pays bills and i love going into work every day so whats the big deal? but i had realized i was just to content with my current state and wasn’t moving forward.

using the feeling and realization of this i applied and I got a better job somewhere else. moving forward with my life. whether it be just to help get my mind off of it, a subliminal goal to see what she left behind. but at around this time i remembered when we started dating my mindset then. i sent one last text to her "I didn't want to do this but i cant talk to you after everything, the person i thought finally got me and didn't judge me based on my mental issues but you obviously did just like everyone else. so after i send this text I’m blacklisting you and your mothers numbers and unfriending you both on fb maybe in 6 months a year maybe never who knows we can go back to being friends but if you ever think its that time im not blocking you on Facebook so you can message me there if you ever want to try to establish contact, if im ready for it I’ll respond. this is good bye."

what I’ve learned

If the mom is crazy controlling avoid her.

anyone can show a side of them that you’d never expect at any moment

don't stay stagnant always try and better yourself. small steps, be person that will make them regret their decision to leave you.

don use this method to get them back. if they do it once they will do it again.

use the pain as a catalyst

make sure if you're like me and have some mental problems taht are more "high functioning" you are 200% sure that they will not judge you based off of it if you tell them. let them get to know you without them before you let them know you with it

don't let the pain of the past hold you from the future you pursue. in time the pain will die off.

don't pretend the scars are not there because ignoring your past is the worst thing you can do. accept it and it will work a lot better

if people don’t accept you for the wonderful human being you are the do not deserve to be in your life

even the darkest hour can bring forth a brighter day just keep pushing foreword towards it.

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 149, March 2019

On Monday night, I attended a HIIT small group training session with CinFull Fitness. Today had been a very manic day for me with an appointment with my support worker followed by an appointment with my occupational therapist. My first mistake was not having a proper lunch. I just threw together an apple, handful of nuts and white chocolate. My mind was clearly on other things plus my energy levels weren’t the best either. I did attempt to nap in the afternoon which helped a little.

It was a packed class tonight with a couple of new clients starting out. There was lots of positive vibes and jokes being made as usual. But something felt really off with me and I couldn’t explain it. We started by doing several rounds of 20 seconds on, 10 seconds off exercises including: Mountain climbers, Step jumps, Kettle bell swings, Kettle bell squats, Sit-ups, Push ups, Ball Slams and Star jumps.

Next we did 45 seconds on, 15 seconds off exercises including: TRX rows, Single Lunges with 5kg plate, Barbell Bicep Curls and V-Ups with 5kg plate. I did feel nauseous at several points during the session plus tired, lethargic, out of breath and shaking. I tried not to panic about it but I could tell that I was struggling more than usual tonight. Most likely I just didn’t eat enough during the day to fuel my body for tonight’s workout session.

Otherwise, it was a good session. I think I’ll always have a quiet and reserved personality but that’s alright with me. When it comes to the gym environment, I’m mainly just focused on doing the exercises and socialisation takes a back seat. And yet I do feel included within this group even with new members joining all the time and regulars who are tight knit.

On Tuesday morning, I went down to the Frankston Intergrated Health Centre to book an appointment time for an overnight sleep study. The clinic located off Hastings Road was an area of Frankston that I’m not familiar with at all so naturally I had the Google Maps lady activated. I managed to find some parking down William Street and discovered the nearby park George Pentland Botanic Gardens. I’m a visual learner and so I need to see things in the flesh so that navigating unknown territory becomes easier. Hence why I decided to make the trip down in person.  https://www.peninsulahealth.org.au/services/services-f-m/medical-services/respiratory-services/

Ironically, as I was making my way down to the clinic on foot, I got an unknown caller ringing my phone. I answered and it happened to be a receptionist from the same clinic I was walking towards. It was a relief to finally get a time booked in and squash my phone anxiety at the same time. Plus it was a lovely drive down to this part of Frankston. I decided to explore the Botanical Gardens while I was down here. It features a magnificent lake, playground, BBQ area, walking tracks and rainforest plants.  https://www.frankston.vic.gov.au/Things_To_Do/Parks_and_Reserves/Frankston/George_Pentland_Botanic_Gardens

On Tuesday night, I went to a Body Balance class with Astrid at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. Tonight we worked through release number 72 which features the tracks Yellow Flicker Beat by Lorde, Real Life by The Weeknd, Take Me To Church by Hoizer and Freedom by Pharrell Williams. It was a challenging class particularly during the core and pilates tracks with many intense movements and strong holds but it felt satisfying getting through it.

The exercises that we did tonight include: Tai Chi Warm-up (Forward Fold, Extended Mountain Pose, Tai Chi Scoop), Sun Salutations (Down Dog, Plank to Crocodile pose, Baby Cobra, Knee Lift, Aeroplane pose, Lunge twist), Standing Strength (Intense pose, Warrior 2, Sun Warrior), Balance (Angel pose, Flower pose sequence), Hip Openers (Extended Swan pose, Modified Half Lotus with Side Bend).

Core Abdominals (Pilates Abdominal curl, Cross Crawl Sequence, Scissor Legs), Core Back (3 Legged Dog, Side Hover Sequence, Bow pose, Camel pose, Child’s pose), Twists (Seated Star twist, Tabletop twist, Horse Stance twist), Forward Bends Hamstrings (Eagle Twist Arms sequence, Flat Back Extend, Hindi Squat, Supine Hamstring Stretch).  https://watch.lesmillsondemand.com/bodybalance/videos/2016-1-bodybalance-72-55-min-lmod

On Thursday night, I attended my Young Adults social group event held at Power Neighbourhood House in Ashwood. After our previous head office at The Nerve Centre in Blackburn got sold late last year, Aspergers Victoria had to quickly find us a “new home”. The fact that it happens to be this venue is both ironic and nostalgic. I spent several years during my childhood at The Power House joining in art and craft activities, morning teas and fetes with my Mum. We also used to live in one of the flats on Power Avenue for a time.

My biggest curiosity was seeing how much this building has changed since I last visited. The interiors are largely the same with narrow hallways, several office spaces, a kitchenette, an ambulant friendly toilet and library/reading room. The exterior is now painted in a soft muted grey colour instead of the warm sand yellow colour it used to be. Plus some mosaic artworks have been hung on the front facade.

The most dramatic change is the addition of the decking area with expands out behind the main building and surrounds the detached recreation room located in the back right hand corner. There’s also been several cosmetic changes made to update the look of the building but I feel like the core of The Power House remains. I spent most of my time taking in my surroundings, being friendly, smiling and saying hello.

It’s the equivalent of adjusting to a boiling hot bath. Initially it’s extremely overwhelming taking in a social setting but gradually it gets easier and more comfortable. I decided to play a game of Cabo, a cross between Uno and Memory, with Lucas plus new members Yoshi (yes like the video game character) and Sean. It was surprisingly easy to pick up and understand the rules even though I was confused at the start.

Later I decided to grab a sausage in bread outside and started to mingle and socialise a little. It’ll always be a daunting task for me to make small talk with others but hey at least I was joining in, active listening and trying the best that I could. I met Georgia and Christian who were in my immediate circle, though breaking the ice proved to be a challenge. I think as Aspies this is the area we all have the most difficulty with. There’s no way I could judge others for being wallflowers or simply not participating in conversation because I find it damn hard as well.

I know exactly what it feels like to be debilitated by anxiety or not being certain of social cues or how to make conversation. And yet there’s a sense of ease being surrounded by others who are also on the Autism Spectrum. It’s a level of understanding and compassion that is unspoken because we’re all in the same boat together. It feels empowering to be a part of this group and to be putting myself out there.  https://aspergersvic.org.au/events-groups

“I tell you, wake up. You people need a shake up. You take up so much time. Worrying, scurrying. Here, there. Losing your hair. No money to spare. No love to share. No wonder you appear under pressure from here.” Faithless - Not Enuff Love (2001)

“When there's no where, left to run to . Let me come to you, let me help you down. For when the world, gives you tomorrow. Your gonna learn to live again. We can learn to go, oh learn as we go. Just to live, for the day. I know it's hard, to live for the moment. Just try, anyway.” Faithless feat. Zoe Johnston - Liontamer (2001)

[booksbroadwaybbc]

Walked Away from 1st ever Job, Want to work but I am Uncertain/Anxious about what to do and who to listen too. via /r/selfimprovement

Walked Away from 1st ever Job, Want to work but I am Uncertain/Anxious about what to do and who to listen too.

So this is me currently:

18 years old living with parents.

HS Diploma (Graduated last Month)

Have an Adult Drivers License and Car for commuting.

2500 in cash saved up. Money Received from family/relatives over the last decade + Money made from selling on ebay +

Doing Paid Surveys.

I was interested in someway of making money online instead of a job at 16. I even opened a Tax Exemption ID soon after I turned 18 in 2017 in hopes of starting an online ebay / amazon business. That failed since upfront investment was too much too handle and competition was fierce. There was almost zero room for entry. Other sellers had great prices and so much to offer, While I had nothing much. I was just a guy selling the same stuff that others had been doing since forever and were damn good at it.

Business/Entrepreneurship is off the table since I called my states Department of Revenue to notify I am permanently out of business and closed the tax ID I opened. Why? I kept getting notices in the mail titled Delinquent, saying I need to file business tax returns otherwise my ass was getting penalized.

I really regret not going for a part time job at 16 and just working my way up into something, but the past is the past.

Moving on to 2018, A few weeks ago (right after finishing High School) my mindset was find any job at any pay level, start somewhere and work your way up. This still is my mindset but...

I walked out on my very first job a few days ago. I didn't even tell anyone I was leaving or quitting. It was a rash choice that was just made. The next few lines are alot to read, sorry about that.

How I got this job I walked out on and what happened there:

I told my dad I applied to a job without telling him. I later learned applying there was useless since I applied too late, there open interviews took place in May and I applied in June. Whoops.

My dad was furious and told me that getting hired somewhere requires using people in the inside. He basically told me that you need someone to vouch for you, a reference from someone already working at the place you applied to. This is what my dad did to get my older sister a job after she finished college. This is obviously not entirely true, but my dad is just hard to talk too and doing something like this behind is back and not agreeing with him is like the same as murder.

After he cooled down he got in touch with some of his friends to get me a job at a manufacturing company. This company just opened a new plant and is hiring lots of people. My dad has lots of friends working for this company but at different plants. They are all making decent money and have been getting by. But some of them including my parents told me the reality of working in manufacturing. They told me its not for everyone and it is physical labor that requires endurance, patience, stamina and that it is tough stuff and should not be taken lightly at all, go to school or do something else. My parents have years of experience working in manufacturing and did not want me to go this route. They were super skeptical about this choice I made and were very worried about me. Despite all of that I shrugged it off and went to the office, applied and got an interview date. I did the interview and was given a tour of the plant.

I got asked some questions like where do you see yourself in 5 years? What comes first, safety, production or efficiency?

stuff like that.

A week later I get a phone call to do a drug test. I go to this place and get that done. And a few more days pass and another call comes in. This call is from HR about Orientation. I go to orientation and I am very nervous because I literally have zero employment history. Never worked before. Everyone there was well above my age and had experience. My voice is low when I get anxious and I just felt really panicky. The HR lady even called me out and said she shes me peeping and asked if I was okay. I said I am fine and we moved on. She was right though. I was quiet and really anxious about everything as we discussed OSHA safety and other procedures. I asked only a few questions. We all signed a lot of paperwork and just felt exhausted by the end. I was given A/B schedule and had work the next day. I also had a folder full of stuff and a badge and papers to take to work the next day. We were told to clock in before 6:55, thats when our pay started.

The rest of the day I am just thinking long and hard about this decision. The what if? anxiety was also present the whole day. I managed to fall asleep. I got up real early at 5:30. Hit the freeway and showed up in time. I keyed myself in using the badge I was given. Someone told me I should speak to the supervisor since I am new. I went to the supervisors office and was told to wait in the break room. A lady came to me and introduced me to the plant. She was very nice and courteous. Then she left me with one of the managers and I started working. We were making clorox toilet wands. I struggled for the first 5 minutes than figured out what I was doing. I than started working on one of the assembly lines which was easy. Than there was break and I sat and ate some food, And I probably sat for about 20-25 minutes. I asked someone when break ends and learned I should report back to work. I go back and I am doing something different. Packaging. I sucked at it and the lady who trained me got me doing something else. This was more manageable. But it hurt. Physically. The work was fast paced and my back was having it bad. My legs were too. I don't know exactly how long I did it but I am going to guess it was about 2 hours. This task involved standing forever and placing a clorox container in a package. It did it hundreds of times. Eventually we stopped for a break. There were three 20 min breaks. This job was a 12 hour job from 7 am to 7 pm. Pay was 12 per hour. As I worked I wondered hard that If I really wanted to do this long term. During the orientation we learned that promotions were available after 3 months and if you learned an apprenticeship you can make bank and have a career. This company was a solid company and good pay was there, but the job. The job was physical. As I watched other people do there jobs I had nothing but mad respect for the work they were putting in. When we stopped for that break I was just like "man, do I really want to do this for a living? I am not disrespecting the job or the people there but the work was physical. I only worked for like 2-3 hours and was aching pretty bad. I Even overhead some veteran employees in the break room say "Im Tired".

Another 8 more hours where left to go. We even had to stop the machine for a few minutes cause one of my finger nails started bleeding. I had to run and get a Band Aid and put on some gloves. I worked with those gloves on for some time and the second break came. I went to the bathroom and just wondered about leaving. And that is what I did. I got my lunch box, and walked out. A few people saw me. And I just got in my car, and drove away. I stopped at a local park, rolled my seat and windows down, and just sat there wondering wtf am I going to do with my life. Forget years. forget months. Where will I be with in the next 24 hours? These last couple months I have made so many rash choices. I don't have any ambitions, passions, or talents. I just want to make a living, enough to live and get by, But have no idea how to get there. I have no idea how to work my ass into the middle class.

Should I listen to myself?

My inner self says try out jobs in my area, find one that sticks, work my ass off and build experience. Then work your way up with the same company or different ones.

Or Should I listen to my parents?

Parents want me to go to the local community college. Or work part time and do college. College is totally required in there opinions.

College scares the hell out of me. Alot of people come out with debit, and unable to find jobs in there field. I know teachers, family friends, and countless other people who were not able to find a job with there degree and took on jobs in something else. College is also years of investing your time, I am not ready for that. I also slacked off real bad academically after my sophomore year. I left honors classes and took regular. Did not play sports or join any clubs. I wasted not only my time, But my school and teachers time.

I do not have a specific interest in any major or career. I feel I need to start at the very bottom of any job and work my way up in baby steps. But I am really anxious to apply to other jobs ever since I walked out of that job.

I still need to contact HR to tell them I left which I certainly will do.

With all that being said I realized I need to relax since I am okay. I have been doing chores, babysitting my nephew and helping my parents with things. I don't have kids, rent, debt collectors coming after me and other horrors people out in the world are facing. Even my parents are telling me its not the end of the world, but then My mother says all the time that you will by dreading your ass off in the future for not listening to them. That I will regret not getting a higher education. I respect the advice they give me, but at the end of the its up to me what I do and everything has been rash, unexpected, and just mentally stressful.

or am I eating my own words for not agreeing with them?

Freaking anxiety. It just floats in my head all day.

This is what I have in mind as of 7/8/2018

First thing I need to do is contact HR that I walked away from that job.

Then, I have been looking at other jobs in my area and have found some that are not as labor intensive. No worried about pay, just getting experience is most important.

I want to apply to them and push anxiety aside. One job is even taking open interviews.

Things I have learned and remind myself everyday despite Anxiety

We learn by doing.

Fear is a state of mind.

Your life could be way worse, be thankful for everything you have.

You cant change the past, but you can learn from it.

Dont Complain at all, do what needs to be done.

I am honestly wondering why I am making this. I have thought many times before to sit down and talk with someone or post on reddit about my personal problems. I have watched lots of Gary Vaynerchuck videos on Youtube as well. Gary says complaining and telling people my problems to people instead of doing something about it and listening to other people suppress you from what you feel you should do is wrong. This is very true, but I find myself stressing my self with anxiety more than ever. I really don't now what's going to happen to me. I am very afraid of failure. I don't want to fuck up. I want to make it out of low/ no income status. My mind gets to me all the time.

Any Advice is very much appreciated and I cant thank you enough for taking your own personal time to read this.

Submitted July 09, 2018 at 03:51AM by intertwinedthings via reddit https://ift.tt/2NBajZf

[gis-is-back]

9/20

HAPPY ONE MONTH!!!!!!

I’m hoping this is a longer post because wow. It is time to reflect. I’m even writing this on my computer for the first time!

What a month! I will start by going over what has occurred today! Woke up to a bunch of notifications from a tweet that banged which is always fun, one of the 1000000 tweets i send per day has got to stick every once in a while right? Chilled in bed f o r e v e r before finally getting up and getting ready. Made bomb ass dank ass nutella oats and banana and had green tea so GOOD. Made my lunch (PB&J). Den i did my makeup, thought today was going to be an ugly day but as of 2100 I can confirm it was not. Anyway, did my makeup, picked out my outfit which was a pretty androgynous ensemble with my kanye shirt, black jeans, vans, and a denim jacket, and piled my hair on top of my head and manufactured a bun out of 6 trillion bobby pins. I think it looks bomb and I’m glad I figured out a way to do it. 

Hopped on the tram and listened to a podcast about the Mueller investigation which was intriguing and it finished right when I got to class. Also got carsick in the tram which was not fun. 11:30 class started and I sat with danielle. The class was fine, the professor is a cute old man who spent the first 30 mins of the 1.5 hour class showing us a presentation he made about all of the schools of the kids in the class since were all from other places. Learned about the world econ in the 20th century since thats the title of the class, ate all my trail mix during the class yumma. 

Sat with danielle in the sciences po cafeteria for a bit and ate our lunches, then walked over to the mf DEFLE for the next class. Which went quickly considering it was two hours long. Idk im doing really well about not getting pissed off in class or antsy. 

Finally got out and went straight home. Plugged in my comp and was gonna wait and go on a walk and read in the park, but got trapped in youtube and just watched videos for like an hour before having to plug my phone in instead. Then i got on my comp and one thing lead to another and I was being hella productive. Turned in my application for FOUR internships with the state department, only two of which I’m qualified for lol but yee. Then steve messaged me back and I could go update his reference info on my app even AFTER ive submitted it because the US has their shit together omg. So I successfully made it into the application pool and I have 5-6 days to edit my stuff!!!! Then vic and I started texting and I booked my plans for the fall break!!!! D O I N G T H I N G SSSSS. Then I realized I needed to get some groceries aka coconut milk so i can enjoy a delicious breakfast in the morn and ended up getting oreos and pringles too lol. I might crack into the pringles if I watch downton abby tonight which i hope i do because its my friday night tonight. 

Then I made dinner which was the same as the last two nights becuase omg its so tasty: salad with cheese and turkey and croutons and balsamic vinagrette. Simple but yumma. For dessert had apple and crunchy PB!

Then I did some yoga in my room, gonna try to do more stretching and whatnot. Feeling really good about myself, idk if I’m losing weight but my legs seem thinner aka I don’t have to forcibly separate them as much in order to get a thigh gap. Idk, Idrc.

wew that was a lot so I think I’ll make another post specifically for my one month reflection!

[0225pm]

USS + some thoughts

missing loads of posts so i’m just gonna start with the most recent events and cover the rest in a while!!!

/////////////////////

guess where we went yesterday?  USS!

my mom’s company held a family day thing so the tickets for USS were about 1/3 of its original price if i’m not wrong! initially i wanted to surprise han by going over to his place and buying some lunch for him (bc the day before he told me that his mom’s not at home which just means that there’s not gonna be food at home) but i prepared late and he found out the surprise (the bit where i’m gonna go over to his place to fetch him) so it was a failure!!!!!!!! :( but he said he still love getting these sort of surprises from me even though it wasn’t an unexpected surprise anymore hahahaha but i’m still glad that he’s happy!

so i took a hitch to his place (and skipped the whole takeout for him bc i was already late) and waited for him by the stairs to come down (i thought he would be taking the stairs since he lives on the second floor but his lazy ass took the lift instead wth) and i didn’t even notice him standing opp flashing out his phone to take a video of me (which he posted on his dead ig)

and then from there we went to grab a little bite before heading to the mrt. for some reason, things felt really tense between us like idk if it’s just me feeling that way but it just felt really cold??? then he whipped out his phone again to play ml while i just took out my phone to listen to some music. from yew tee, we would have to stop at jurong and then buona vista before changing lines to the yellow line to get to harborfront. so while on the journey to jurong, we were just doing our own shit. i took out a book (i borrowed from the library about a week and a half ago - it’s called tokyo zodiac murders i think) to read while he continued playing ml. when we reached jurong, we were waiting for the train to buona vista and without double checking, we just boarded this one train only to find out that we were heading back to where we came from when han heard the train operator thingy mention cck. LOL we’re like dumb and dumber sia at that point of time hahahaha and i thought that we would be late for the event but my brother called and told me that apparently we can only go in at 530PM. so we still had plenty of time to kill which was great. 

upon arriving at buona vista, i received another call my bro saying that we can only go in at 630PM and by the time we reached the place, it was just slightly after 630 so that was good until we saw the crowd LOLLLL

the amount of people queuing was fucking mental!!! i wished i had taken a video of how much human beans there were but i didn’t thought about it. i honestly couldn’t really stay in focus because it was so hot and i was just perspiring so much and felt sticky everywhere. i should have brought an extra set of top or something but i didn’t, unfortunately. (tryna kick the habit of bringing extra clothes everywhere i go)

we walked a whole round to find the end of the line, only to be brought back right to where we were standing in the beginning, and then we saw that there was another line that seems much shorter than the rest so we decided to move towards that line instead of waiting like a fool following the longer trail of human beans. fortunately, we managed to get into the place in like less than 20 mins. but that wasn’t the end.........

we still had to follow the crowd to i think it’s called SeaWorld or WaterWorld or something, where the winners of the lucky draw was gonna be announced at before a performance and i’m glad we decided to stay for the performance bc it was fucking lit!!!!! i really love it, it was so interesting and really put together. you can see the amount of effort the performers put in to make everything seem so real. i’m not sure if the story is from some old fairytale or something but i think it’s something i would have to research on (if i’m not lazy that is hahaha)

it was already dark by the time the performance ended and as we head out to explore the rest of the place, out of the corner of my eyes i saw my bro and his gf buying something to snack on. so from there, we went on our separate ways. my bro and his gf, han and myself. we were walking around looking for somewhere to eat and we stumbled upon the roasted turkey leg food cart again we so decided to get one of each (should have shared one instead bc it was so salty after awhile), something to munch on while walking around. it was han’s third time at USS whereas its only my second time. i wouldn’t even say it’s second because the first time i went with the fam we didn’t explore the place much and only when there to have lunch/dinner + both me and my bro only rode on the human and cylone ride before my parents decided it was time to head home. so most of the places felt really new to me and i was enjoying myself though i wasn’t sure if han was enjoying himself but i think he was kinda tired from all the walking. he’s not usually the type to like walking for long hours on end but bc i really wanted to walk around, he went along with it. 

the turkey legs were too salty to finish up and my bottle of green tea wasn’t helping mask the saltiness so han asked if we should just throw the rest away and then he’ll get a corndog for us to share after noticing a corndog cart about a stone throw away from where we were standing at.  

i nodded in agreement and told him i wanna head to the toilet first to wash my hands after which, we went to queue.

the corndog was so good!!! i really love the taste of the batter for the breaded part but han said it was nothing special lmao. 

after that we walked around again and then i took a look at the waiting time for the different rides and almost wanted to give up riding anything because one, i was perspiring buckets and two, the waiting time was so long. but han asked me again if i’m sure about leaving and then we noticed that there was a performance showing at 930PM so we decided to stay for that and while waiting we sat nearby mel’s drive-in bc there was another performance there. i also decided to call my bro to ask him if he wanna ride the galatica rollercoasters with me bc i asked han but i felt like i was just forcing him to ride something he dont want to cus he snapped at me when i told him that i dont want to ride it alone and he has to ride it with me hahahaha but my bro’s gf didn’t want to ride the galatica too so han sees it as an opportunity to not ride and used taking my care of my bag as an excuse LOL so i was alrighty then and rode the red one with my bro. 

it was so thrilling!!!! i love it even though i felt so queasy afterwards but it felt like all my stress and whatever shitty feeling i was feeling before sorta disappear during the ride. i wanted to ride the blue one (the one where there’s more twists and turns and ur feet will dangle in the air) and han wanted to challenge himself to ride it too but bc both me and my bro was still tryna catch our breaths, his gf suggested riding other rides first - and so we went to the mummy one.

but holy shit i think it was by far the more thrilling one as compared to the red galatica rollercoaster wtf there are so many twists and turns and the atmosphere was so just frikin cold like you’re really underground the mummy’s tomb and shit i absolutely love it!!! i think the suspense was what really made the whole ride interestingly enjoyable and thrilling. before the ride i actually linked arms with han sia hahahaha and i’m glad i did bc at one point of time it was legit scary.

and then after the mummy, we walked towards the puss in boots ride and before that everyone thought that it’s just a lame ass ride for kids and it’s not gonna be scary and i thought like ok at least its gonna be a chill ride BUT OH BOY WAS I SO FUCKING WRONG HAHAHAHHAHAHA the suspenses are fucking killers and ITS DEFINITELY NOT A LAME RIDE. but as compared to the mummy one, this one’s less thrilling. 

oh and han was so touchy when we were waiting for the rides HAHAAHAHAH i think he proper was having fun and was really enjoying himself or maybe bc he got to smoke so his mood became happier AHHAHAHA but i really love that side of him more. i  was legit perspiring like crazy like my whole tee was drenched in sweat but that didn’t stop him from pulling me closer to him as he embraced me and then grabbed onto my hand holding it tightly. sighHHHH he makes me feel so tingly. i look like shit but he don’t even care hahahhaha

we had a little bit of time for one more ride so for the last one, we decided to ride the transformers one and wah i think out of all this one is my favorite!!! i can understand why its one of his fav too!!! you really feel like you’re in the animation/short movie they were showing. the whole experience was just amazing. to quote him “it feels very 5D” hahahahaha 

we didn’t have time to ride the cylone so we gave that up and then from there we went on our separate ways and head back. 

han asked whether we will be separating there and going home on our own and without hesitation i said no. and there silence filled the air and during that time i was doing some reflection mentally. like how tired he was, how far away from home and how he will have to travel back and forth. i was just being really selfish so i told him its was okay and we can separate from there but he said no bc the first answer i gave him is what i really wanted (like the truth ah) and he said about how even if i said its ok or if its fine, its actually not ok which tbh is true la but i just...... didn’t want to be selfish and self centered only thinking about my own wellbeing when i know he was as tired as i was, if not more. 

(while walking towards vivo, idk how the topic of break up came about but he asked me like what i’d do if he ask for it and honestly without hesitation i told him i would kill myself which i think scared him but idk man my heart will prolly be so broken i think even if i don’t kill myself i will die from the heartbreak. and then i asked him what he’ll do if the role is reverse and he said that he will prolly be like how it was like with the rest of his past rs, ask why and then cry about it and then he’ll be okay. i was.... idk i just didn’t know what to say. what he said hurt me and made me feel like i was “the same like all his other past rs” idk why but i thought maybe i was different, maybe i was The One for him, the one that he will never be able to forget about but ofc i didn’t tell him about how i feel bc i didn’t want to make things anymore awkward so i just kept quiet and pretended things were ok but you know me, i think about things and i just felt like he’s prolly gonna get tired of my shit sooner or later.)

anyway, he still stubbornly refused and wanted to send me back so we decided to take uber back (it was hard to get a hitch at that time and place) and then went to the 24 hours indian shop to have supper before he sent me back. we chilled for a bit at the void deck as per usual and then around 3+ 4, my bro and his gf appeared hhaha so we ended up chilling together and playing a couple rounds of ml before they left (my bro sent his gf home) and then around 5, 5+, han booked a grab to head home. 

before that though i asked him something about having to send me home i think, but i can’t quite remember what his response what. i think it was something along the lines of, we live so far from each other sometimes it’s hard or something like that idk. 

but i know it made me feel kinda sad though i was thankful that he took time to send me back even though he was so tired and he lives on the other end. 

we also talked about wishes and one of his wish is to get a bike but he told me that its something difficult with me around and even though i know it was really just a poor choice of words, it makes me think if i’m a burden and if i’m too much for him to handle. 

i really wonder what he thinks of us and if he’s holding back all his feelings because he’s afraid if he put in too much of himself into me, it might all be in vain in the end. i just hope i don’t fuck things up because i really want us to last for a really long time and i know, we don’t know what the future holds for us but honestly, i want to be with him till death do us part, at the very least.

[loveinruins]

FFS.. Are we making progress or not?

I feel like we’re going around in circles..

I saw him this morning at the station and I was waiting for MT because her myki wasn’t working for some reason and he was on the same train as me but on a different carriage. Basically I was standing at MC and he saw MT said hi to her and then he saw me - looked and looked away then looked again because he realized it was me and he took his ear phones out like oh hey what are you doing? I go I’m waiting for MT and then he goes oh ok well I’m gonna go grab a coffee and started walking off and I was like lol k cya

During first break MT and I decided to go for a walk around the centre and we were just having a chat because she has a boyfriend of 10 years and she went to dinner with JH (strictly as mates) she was telling me about it and whatever and then I kinda opened up to her about me and G and she was like omg seriously whenever you’re not together all he does is talk about you.. you guys just need to get together already seriously.. I just laughed and I was like yeah but the ball is in his court, it shouldn’t be up to me to do something about it? She agreed with me because she also thinks it should be the guy who should make the move....

So I didn’t see him all day until around 12:30 he came over to my team area and he was talking to SH and MD and because I had just gotten off the phone I like looked up and turned and I was like ooh who’s this cute guy in my area and then I realized it was him lol I was like oh.. it’s you... cutie.. lol

So he doesn’t say anything to me whilst in my team area he just walks off and I’m like yeah ok so I called MT when I went for lunch and she was like oh I’m on swanston with the others and she wasn’t with G, so then I called G and he didn’t answer.

I was like ok then.. MT told me he didn’t call her back either so I was like whatevs.

Then he starts calling me and I’m like hey where are you? He goes just on level 5 are you coming? I’m like yeah I’ll come, he goes hurry up I’ve only got 20 minutes left.

I messaged MT to meet me on level 5 because we had planned to meet at QV square.

I walked down to level 5′s outdoor area and sat down and he was sitting ont he couches. I went to sit on the bench and he came over and sat across from me. He goes how are you? i’m like good you? he goes yeah good, I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.. I’m like really? He goes yeah it’s been like 2 days.. I was thinking to myself oh well look who’s fucking counting..

So he tells me what happened at the dentist and his cancellation with the customer and how he managed to save it and whatever and MT finally came we were bantering and I apparently went to stick up for MT because he was giving her shit about going for dinner with JH and he was being a dick to her so I like made a comment about something and he goes babe this is a convo between me and MT not you and I go wtf.. he goes babe shhhhhhhh.. I’m like whatever seriously.

MT then told me that her and G had a convo last night and he goes what are we doing friday? MT was like I’m busy and T is in Sydney.

So that’s who reminded him I was in Sydney so as that was brought up at lunch MT goes so what are you gonna do since you don’t have us and he goes I’m gonna go see a girl.

In my head I was like ... did this motherfucker.. WHAT!!!!!!!?????

I felt sick.

My fucking stomach literally turned inside out but I was like T do not fucking react. 

MT goes oh yeah the one who left the thing in your car and he goes nah another one and she goes oh well you say I’m bad look at you, he goes yeah but I haven’t fucked this one.. not yet anyway.

OMG when he said that I wanted to use the fork I was eating with and stab myself because I was like is this cunt fucking serious right now?

He then tried to say something to me and I was being Elsa and he goes wtf is your problem I haven’t said anything to you for like 2 days stop giving me attitude I’m like wtf are you serious? You think after making a comment like that I’m going to be fine?

Are you fucking jelly that I’m going to Syd and you’re staying here with your “bitches”.

We go back upstairs to our desks because both their lunches were over and I was like fuck this I’m going to go outside for a walk or something. I ended up calling the baker and we had a chat and I told him what G had said and he goes there’s one of two things T:

1. He either only see’s you as a friend and that’s it - which I don’t think is the case because he said you shouldn’t lose too much weight and a guy who is not into you would not say that because I know why he said that (Here i’m thinking is he saying that because he doesn’t want other guys to be all over me orrrr)

2. You’re a high quality girl, he see’s you as someone who he wants to be with, these “bitches” that he is talking about, he doesn’t have that same respect for. He respects you, you probably intimidate him because you’re older and you’re not just some hoe.

The baker is getting frustrated with me because I won’t act on the sitch and I’m like I just can’t and he just really made good points about how I have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

I mean I do agree with him to some degree but at the same time I don’t I just feel like these things can take time but he just said to me you’re fucking yourself over like all you’re doing is making it harder for yourself for no reason. The difference though between the baker and I is that he will not wait for anything he will just go in for the kill and I’m just not that type of girl.

So comes end of day, he walks past me and smiles and I gave him a forced fake smile and then we end up walking past each other again and I just didn’t look at him and he comes over to my desk and he goes so are we leaving now or? I go yeah and then when we get downstairs he goes to me what’s wrong you don’t seem to happy to be walking with me? I go nah I’m good why would you say that? he goes you’ve been so fucking moody with me today like do you have your rags? I go no actually I don’t FYI. He goes oh well good to know, he brings up again how he hasn’t seen me in 2 days and whatever and how he has just had a really shit day and I was like ok I understand and I was like awww G I’m sorry ok if I was being moody i didn’t mean to and I hugged his arm as we were walking and he’s like oh now you want to be nice and I like laughed and rolled my eyes.

As we kept walking we were talking about work and stuff and he makes a comment about how my outfit was cute today - I was wearing my AA’s with a white cami and a thurley chiffon cardigan thing and I go thanks babe it’s cos I’m cute. He goes yeah? if you were so cute why do you need to post it on snapchat for? I go how did I know you were going to say something about that? he goes I was about to but i was like nahhh like this one goes and takes selfies in the lift and shit I go whatevs.

We get on the train and I’m sitting across from him and all I kept doing was staring at him in awe.. He just looked really cute today and I was like you know your outfit is cute today too. He goes yeah it matches my bag and I go yeah but this is red touching one of the stripes on his shirt and he goes yeah it’s moron on the bag. 

We had banter on the train and we were talking about work.. zzzzzzz

I kept looking at his lips as he was talking and he would really look into my eyes when I was talking, it made me buckle inside a bit but I don’t think that really showed.. well I hope not anyway. 

I saw him looking at my cleavage a few times and realized that the way I was holding my bag was pulling my top down and he goes trying to be like KT huh? I go what? oops and pulled my top up and he goes nah babe it’s all good and I looked down to see how low it really got and he goes what you need to look down to see and I go well yeah I didn’t think it was that low, he goes how do girls when they wear tops like that not know? I go well this bra is a bit big so I didn’t realize. He goes thanks for the info lol..

So he goes.. so are you cancelling PT? At that point I had already messaged my PT telling him I couldn’t make it but I didn’t want to tell G that and I go nah.. he goes as if and then he tried to guilt trip me and he goes nah look if you want to go to PT then go and like looked away and I go I cancelled PT and he looks up with this like cheeky look on his face like with pure satisfaction that I’d chosen him over PT.

I was playing with my hair and he goes stop playing with your hair and I go why? he goes I dunno why girls always do that.. 

We get to springy station and I go so are we getting off here or at yarraman? He goes nah here, we’re going to take your car and I go ok then. We get off the train and again as always he’s like what do you want to eat and I said what do you want to eat? The fucking same dilemma every time so we get into the car and I go what about the burger place I told you about in caulfield, he goes yeah done.

I start driving and he’s playing music from his phone and he played this song which I’m obsessed with

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8h_9fsGku3c 

Listen to the lyrics.. I was like hmmmm..

As the songs kept coming, I kept shazaming them and he goes hahahaha too good.. that’s 4 in a row and I go alright relax babe you’re not a DJ he goes loves my tracks..

I’m like yeah anyway.. we were just listening to music on the way and I go we’re getting close he didn’t even have the directions on and I go I thought you were google mapping the address so he did and we go there in no time. 

The food was so good, we waited like 20 mins or so though.. as per usual he ended up finishing my chips and I split my cookie with him.

My actual chop chip cookie, not THE cookie.

As we’re leaving he was burping and I’m like.. beautiful and he goes T you’re like one of the boys and hugs me from the side by putting his arm around me and I pulled this face like.. uh wtf and he goes what? Ok you’re not one of the boys then wtf.. he goes why do you always go weird like that? I go I’m not. He goes you do.. I’m like I’m not.

We get back to the car and I was walking back in disbelief.. once again MIXED FUCKING SIGNALS. YOU FORCE ME TO SEE YOU BECAUSE I’M NOT GOING TO SEE YOU ON FRIDAY BUT YOU CALL ME ONE OF THE BOYS AFTER WE GO AND GET SOMETHING TO EAT? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU FUCKHEAD.

ARGH.

We’re on the way home and I mapped how to get to Yarraman station and as we’re driving I don’t know how the fuck this came up but W and B came up and he goes what’s happening I go nothing - he goes you’re lying I can see you smirking and I denied it. He obviously keeps looking at me and he goes I can see your face I go no.. he goes you are.. just fucking tell me.

So I told him briefly that W messaged B on snap and she replied and we kinda got into a heated argument about the whole sitch and he kept saying how I’m pretty much enabling the sitch by contributing to sending her his snaps from his story and how I shouldn’t be doing that. I go ok I know that and he goes why do you even still like this guy he has pretty much told your best friend that he doesn’t give a fuck about her by not making her a priority blablablablabla I’m like alright I fucking get it. 

He made some really valid points about W and how he is a dick from what he knows and how B deserves better than that. He kinda just made me hate W again for what he has done because I kinda feel like I forget or just forgive him.. I dunno.

I made a point about how W asked B to go meet his godson’s parents and I go if he didn’t like her he wouldn’t fucking do that would he? I go would you? he goes babe you’re not meeting the family for yearssss - now at this point I was like is he talking to me or is he speaking figuratively i’m not even fucking sure.

We’re almost near his car and I don’t remember exactly what was said prior to him saying this but I had made a comment about the reason W is being like this is because he is young and he doesn’t know what he wants and he goes I’m fucking younger than him and even I’m like this cunt is fucking her around.

He goes it’s like me, kicking it with a 26 year old girl and sending her mixed signals and then I go to europe come back and I’m like ok sweet let’s do this.. I wouldn’t do that - or something along those lines.

OK WTF.

When he said that I was like hang on.. did you just use our sitch as an example because I was looking at him when he was saying it and his face was like he knew that I knew. I felt like he basically told me he isn’t send me mixed signals or that he likes me. I actually was speechless.

I didn’t know what to say, it would’ve been a perfect opp for me to say.. so you’re not sending me mixed signals then?

BUT OF COURSE I BUCKLED AND COULDN’T EVEN SPIT IT OUT.

He goes anyway, thanks for tonight and the lift, have fun in Sydney and I go I’ll see you tomorrow anyway and he goes no you won’t and closes the door.

I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.

Look I’m not going to analyze the sitch, I’m going to go to Syd and have fun and not think about this. 

All I take away from this is that he is upset that I’m going because he goes at lunch fuck sydney, don’t go hang out with me instead... MT goes why dont you go with her and I go lol no way..

Soooooo we’ll see, TBC.