#lingeringscars: shauna.

[itchose]

@lingeringscars said,  "it's funny how you don't even notice the time go by.  horrible shit just stacks up day after day."

she's not wrong,   but travis can't imagine it possibly getting any worse than what he's already been through.   her,  too—   because it's not lost on him that they've been through something similar,   finding the most important person in their lives' frozen corpse in front of the cabin,   evidence of their own failures.   he wasn't the best brother he could have been to javi,   and though he wasn't present for shauna's final fight with her,   he knows enough to know that she lost her when she felt unsettled,  too,  like him.    without their only real form of shelter now,  and with what they've had to resort to to keep themselves alive,   it's clear that their conditions out here won't be improving any time soon —  it's only going to get much, much worse.   and still, travis can't imagine enduring anything actually worse than seeing a group of people he already didn't trust return with the his brother,  dead,  his own failure,  because he couldn't protect him.   

❝  ten months and two days.  ❞   the words are barely loud enough to hear,  and he’s almost ashamed of saying them at all,   like they’re far beyond keeping track of the date or anything else that ties them back to a place where they may return someday   (  that hardly feels like a possibility anymore,   and he’s not someone who knows how to think optimistically,  either.   )   his eyes meet hers for only a second before he looks away again,  darting down to the snow-covered ground instead.    he’s never really known how to talk to her— despite the silent thank yous he wished to give her when she was the only one who knew how to take care of his brother.   he looks at her and he feels both resentment for the things she’d taken from him and still,  a genuine care that he can’t quite place,   because he understands her in a way he doesn’t think others do,  even if he doesn’t intend on voicing it.  

it’s a small opening,  and he doesn’t know if he should take it— but he does,  because it’s the only way he can feel like he’s still alive, still trying to survive.   ❝  we can handle it.  ❞    rather,   they have to,  because his brother gave his life for it,  so there’s no other choice.   ❝  but—  ❞    he gulps,  like asking her a question is the hardest thing he’s done in weeks.   ❝  how are you?  ❞    he asks,  though it’s not as simple as those three words sound.   he’s worried about her,  even if they’ve never really personally connected,  and something vague feels like the only way to go about actually starting to figure her out.  

[ladyintree]

@lingeringscars said, "don't let me lose you too."

after rescue,  she tried so desperately to get back to a life that was left behind,    not put on 'pause' as the world still moved on without her,   yet she tries so hard to resume where they left off anyway.   getting to university was her chance to fully immerse herself back into reality,   in a world in which she could try to forget about everything that happened to her and everyone else she cared about those years when they disappeared,   and for the most part,   she tried to cut ties with the people there,  too.    it was too hard,  imaginging them as part of her life when this life was so vastly different than the one they created in the wilderness,  like she needed a fresh break that would cure her of every thought that plagued her.   it didn't ever really work,   and there were still people she was so drawn to ---  people she couldn't ever let go of or imagine her life,   no matter how different she needed it to be,   without.  

people like shauna.

she doesn't remember the last time they really talked,  nor the last time they saw each other.   seeing shauna in her dorm room next to her now felt so jarring,   like she was misplaced  --   and yet,   at the same time,   like she was right where she was supposed to be,   because at least she was here with tai.  and tai didn't know how she could possibly say goodbye again.   no matter how much being around shauna reminded her of her worst days,   it also reminded her of how easy it was to be completely safe and vulnerable with someone   (   something she couldn't ever give van,   one of the many reasons she had to cut her off,  too.    )

shauna's words make her frown,   and she scoots closer,   her head shaking as she reaches her hand out to hold hers.   if it was anyone else,   a touch like this would still make her flinch,   it'd feel wrong  ---   but that never feels wrong with her.   even after all this time,  after everything,  it's so easy to fit right back into place with each other.  

 ❝  shauna.  ❞    there are questions she's dying to ask as she wonders what she's doing now,   who she's doing it with    (   is jeff really the person she wants to be with,   or is he just the person she thinks she's supposed to be with?   )    she deserves more than whatever she's made of her life,   but while tai may come down hard on any of the others for not taking advantage of their survival,   she wouldn't do the same for shauna.   she saw first hand what she went through,   what she lived through,   and whatever the case now,   she just wants to be by her side   (   even if she hasn't always made that clear enough.   )      ❝  you won't.   fuck,  okay,  i don't care what happens---   i don't care how far we are away from each other,   you're not losing me.   ever.  ❞     a promise she had made in different words in the wilderness,   one she intends to keep now.   

her hand squeezes hers,   the other moving to wrap around it.   she keeps her eyes on shauna's,   a reminder of the promises they've made with each other without saying anything at all.   ❝  i know things are different.    they should be,   right?   but getting away  .  .  .    it's about everything.   it's about that town,   it's about what happened,  it's about the people,   but it's----   ❞    she pushes out a breath,   her jaw clenching as she stares at her in silence for a long moment.     ❝   it's not about you.   it would never be about you.   ❞     she takes a moment to glance around her dorm;   it's lonely,   and she'd prefer it that way,   but with shauna here,   it feels like they're in the attic again,   their one safe space only for each other.    ❝  stay here.   as long as you want,  okay?   just  .  .  .   stay with me.   ❞

[scatcrccio]

@lingeringscars (shauna) sent: “ this is you thinking rationally? “

GRANTED, THINKING RATIONALLY WASN'T EXACTLY her strongest suit in any given situation. She's tried, many times only to feel like a failure in the end of an inevitable outcome. Maybe it was her father's voice in the back of her mind consistently telling her so; saying she was stupid and would never amount to anything meaningful because she was just like her mother. So, Shauna's words hit deep, deeper than Natalie's willing to really let in.

Or at least, in an outward sense, causing her to instinctively hold her ground and narrow her gaze. ❝ You're one to talk. ❞ She states, almost involuntarily. It just comes out of her without warning. But there seems little to no use in backing out of her already hesitant mannerisms that exudes a sense of rebellion, just the same. ❝ There's nothing rational about any of this, Shauna. I'm doing the best that I can and yeah… maybe it isn't the greatest, but it's something, isn't it? We can't all be picture perfect to the outside world. ❞

[werechampions]

SHAUNA SHIPMAN (@lingeringscars) asked “when was the last time we had a real conversation.”

"Are we counting the time I was begging you not to leave me for dead in a burning plane or no?" It's a low blow, but Van thinks that enough time has passed and they've done enough with their miserable lives that a little dark humor is warranted. And it doesn't breach the covenant they'd all promised, of not talking about what really happened out there. Besides, it's not like they ever really held it against Shauna in the first place. Hell, sometimes they don't even hold it against Jackie. After everything was said and done, it seems like the least of their concerns.

But the question lands awkwardly in its truth. Shauna was always more of Tai's friend than Van's, and Van was never really invited to their exclusive club of two. It probably should have grated at them more, but any claim Van has ever had over Tai is tenuous at best. Sometimes it's hard to remember that they were only together for a few years what she still feels like an enormous part of Van's life. In truth, the only reason Van even thought about coming here is because their other options were Allie Stevens and Misty Quigley. Passing through Wiskayok had been an inadvertent detour on their end, and they were pretty much out of money. "I didn't come over here for a sleepover and to share our secrets, Shipman. If it's too much of a problem, just say so. Sleeping at the park isn't the worst thing I've been through." Maybe they should have just gone with that to begin with.

[silencedrage]

@lingeringscars sent 💬for a starter for Nat

"I can’t stop seeing their faces every time I close my eyes." Shauna stands her ground against her old friend even as she admits one of her closely-kept secrets. It's been been months since she last heard about Nat, stumbling through life and through the second chance they'd all been given with the help of drugs and booze and sex. It made Shauna furious, even though that anger is definitely misplaced, a dissatisfaction about her own life poking through. Nat doesn't deserve her vitriol or jealousy, but Shauna has lost sympathy for her and anyone else (herself included). "But you don't see me dragging everyone I touch down with me."

[scribare-archive]

when she woke up this morning . . . well, somehow, she knew it would be a shit show. had this feeling, deep in her gut before she even opened her eyes, and it had made her pause. thinking maybe she just should stay in bed, pull the covers over her head & pretend not to exist. tdoubted her parents would really notice . . . except lately, they kinda did. that it would turn out like this however, she didn't think. watching her mom get chased down in the middle of night, fire a gun . . . no, that wasn't even in her wildest imagination. hands rub together while watching everything happen, the blinking lights, the bodybag, the creepy as fuck detective and the adrenaline is slowly ebbing out of her body. pulling jacket a little tighter around herself while bouncing on her feet, head turning towards her mother after a while.     ❝ i want to get the hell out of here,   ❞

@lingeringscars. starter call.

[scavengurs]

i didn't know you could cook. - shauna, @lingeringscars.

“well - i can't, really.” a statement antithetical to his job at the hospital, but bellamy feels it to be an honest response. his primary work in the kitchen, currently, is prep - hours spent chopping vegetables and fruits, rationing meat for varying meals, cleaning pots and silverware and bowls. it's monotonous work at times - some days, he finds it undeniably unbearable. the smell of the kitchen sticks to his clothes; he's still unsure of the knife, and it slips on occasion, tearing so easily through skin (there's small, faded nicks on every finger - white slashes that aren't noticeable to others, but bellamy's too aware of them, nails digging into their edges in moments of anxiety).

but he's trying. one of the chefs - who had actually been a chef before, as they frequently remind the staff - tells him he has potential: that he only needs to stop doubting himself. that he strives too hard for perfection, every cut needing to be clean, and it slows him down - something bellamy had, briefly, attempted to argue, before looking towards the clock and discovering half an hour had passed, and he'd worked through less than half of the vegetables he'd needed to cut. so he tries to be less precise - some of the food on the platter he's set before shauna reflects that: fruit unevenly diced, but the chunks are all bite-sized and fresh. it compliments a small serving of scrambled eggs (another chef told him, you can cook eggs, you can cook anything; he's not certain if that's a widely-held belief, but a part of him hopes it is, because those eggs look damn good.) his own plate contains a stack of pancakes, half a dozen biscuits - three for him, the remainder removed and placed on shauna's breakfast. “i'm trying to learn, though,” he continues, flashing a toothy grin. “i hope you don't mind being my guinea pig. it does give you an advantage - those eggs are fresh. the ones at the counter have definitely been sitting there for a while.” they're no less good, though, and they'll all be eaten eventually - food rarely goes to waste around here.

bellamy takes a small bite from a biscuit, speaks despite his chewing, a pet peeve from childhood he's never shaken. “you want anything else, though, i'll go and get it. we got some bacon today.”

[wyrdhearth]

@lingeringscars said : ❝ what is it I must do for you? ❞ shauna shipman ➵ jackie taylor

❝ 𝐨𝐡 𝐧𝐨, 𝐈'𝐦 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐞, ❞ jackie laughs, all bright and bubbly and just a little acidic around the edges. she's just like a sugar high –– great until you crash. jackie wonders if shauna can feel the heartburn yet.

❝ you could have stopped them from burning me, shipman. that would have been nice. ❞ she sits idly beside shauna in the empty attic, chin resting on her undead hand. or is ghostly a better word? jackie's not sure. maybe she's a part of shauna now, forever and ever. you know, on account of the whole being eaten by her thing. yeah. that. ❝ though, apparently I wanted you and all those other freaks to eat me? but hey, whatever helps you sleep at night, right? ❞ jackie smiles like the sweet prom queen she is. ❝ so... what did I taste like? maybe you and jeff can compare notes if you ever get out of here. ❞

[doomdays]

@lingeringscars said,  "living sounds good to me."

❝  yeah,  well,  how the fuck are we supposed to do that now?  ❞    she spits back the words at mari as they stand before the cabin,   fire still burning but finally starting to calm down.   they'll find a way,   deep down she knows that,   even if they settle upon the worst option to do that.   because that's what they do now,   take the worst option and make something out of it,   find a way to survive despite the odds.   only this is something no one could have imagined happening to them;  how many times has one of them thought they would have been fucked without finding the cabin in the first place?  

after all shauna has been put through here,   she has to believe it's not for nothing ---  even though it's started to feel like it lately.   there's a bitterness in her that is unwarranted for the situation they're in,   and yet,   she can't help it  ---  maybe we should ask nat;  she's supposed to be the one to save us,  isn't she?   ❝  nat has been farther out here than any of us.   doesn't seem like she knows of any better options ---  unless we go back to the fucking plane. ❞

[nofable]

@lingeringscars said: “you have no idea what i’ve been through.” shauna @ leah

leah’s laugh is a cruel sound,   a bark of noise before her lips peel back into a sneer...      they’re backstage at exactly the kind of events that leah has tried to avoid,   the talk shows that ask too many prying questions   [   shauna’s been through a lot,  shit,   with all the cult rumour that surrounded the yellowjackets   --    but she hasn’t been through more than leah has,  with her mouth bound against her aggressors,   with a hidden company still tracking her down   ].    staying in the spotlight is the only thing that has kept leah safe.   when all eyes were on you,    people were unlikely to strike against you.    unlikely,   but not impossible.     she made herself remember that.     ‘     we’re gonna snipe at each other just because the make - up girls aren’t here to see?      ’       there’s a bored apathy in her voice that she can’t seem to cut through.     unless she’s in danger nowadays,   she can’t feel anything.      ‘    that’s shitty.   and i know exactly what you’ve been through.   i was the sequel.      ’

[itchose]

[sc] @lingeringscars  ━ ❝  it's such a shame, isn't it? you and i, livin' in our ol' stomping grounds, and still, we don't see each other. what's up with that? ❞ it's a question that has no validity, because they're not old friends, and they're not the kind of people who should still be friends, either. they were teammates for one whole season, when allie spent most of her time ignoring shauna and the rest of them with her insistence that she was much more important, the future of the wiskayok soccer program, and they would soon be old news. it's ironic now, how that changed, how quickly allie became the old news and shauna still hogs the limelight while the one girl who always went out of her way to be nice to allie is gone. she's all too proud of the tribute she's crafted for shauna's late best friend, enough to almost spoil it to her now, but she holds off, a devious grin spreading over her lips instead.

❝  well, we should really change that. your hubby's bright, shiny mug is all over the tv lately, yet i'm not seeing enough of my old friend? you gotta convince the rest of us to keep coming around more often. we can't take this lift for granted, if you know what i mean. ❞

[ladyintree]

@lingeringscars sent ☂️ for a weather based starter.

❝  just take my fucking coat, shauna! ❞ it's freezing, and even the multiple layers tai wears now are hardly doing anything for her, but shauna needs it more than her. for the past few months, she's felt so disconnected from her, hardly knowing how to connect to her in the way she used to be able to so easily. now that they've finally left the fallen teammate to rest, tai is trying desperately to get back to once worked for her and shauna, this friendship they've formed under the worst circumstances that she herself has found comfort in and knows shauna needs now more than ever. this protective instinct of hers is so specific when it comes to shauna, not only because she's her friend, but because of what she's going through ( because of tai's own history with it ) and with no real way to keep her safe, she's doing the best she can.

she shoves the letterman jacket off her arms, pulling it around shauna's shoulders regardless if she's willing to take it or not. ❝ i think the snow's slowing down. let's just go back, okay? i know everyone in the cabin is losing their fucking minds, but you shouldn't be out here. if you don't want to talk to anyone, fine, i'll make sure no one talks to you. let's just go. please? ❞

[scatcrccio]

@lingeringscars (shauna) sent: “ you can stay here, if you'd like. “

THIS WAS THE LAST PLACE SHE WANTED TO BE, in Shauna's home. Around Shauna in general. There was always something about the other woman that set her off while also maintaining a strange sensation of absolute loyalty and devotion. A sisterhood that couldn't quite be explained in full, though deep down it was always there. Natalie shifts her weight from one leg to the other in an almost uncomfortable state, unknowing of how to respond to the invitation.

Because she doesn't know if it's really genuine or not. Could have very easily been just a nice offer out of politeness and yet, Nat also doesn't want to go back to the motel room alone. It takes her a moment, lips pursing almost nervously while clearing her throat as feet continue to shift and kick at a non-existent rock on the floor like a nervous teenager. Hand brushing through stringy strands of hair in the process of maintaining some semblance of composure that still didn't take away of how uncomfortable she actually was. ❝ I'm not some fuckin' charity case, ya know. ❞

Again, with her defense mechanisms. But Shauna specifically was the last person she'd ever think would actually allow her to stay in her home; around her child, regardless of the fact that the girl was apparently staying at a friends for the night.

❝ You sure Jeff will be okay with me crashing here? ❞ He had to be considered as well, after all. So the question didn't seem so out of the blue. Her mind wanders to thoughts about Taissa who had done more for her than necessary over the past several years and she hates to be a burden in anyone's life.

[itchose]

💬 [ @lingeringscars ]

  ❝  the whole world’s haunted now. there’s no getting out of that—until we’re dead. ❞

[ladyintree]

looking back, what is one thing your muse wishes they had done differently?  ━ asked by @lingeringscars & @sourfilm

tai credits a lot of what's gone wrong in her life, even 25 years later, to the failed expedition.  in her mind --- it's her fault van was mauled by wolves,  it's her fault the others with them are now likely traumatized from the experience,  it's her fault that laura lee died after seeing them all return after all of that,  and obviously,  it's her fault that they weren't rescued sooner.  meaning the rest of what happens,  everything they have to hold themselves accountable for --  jackie,  javi,  crystal,  eating their friends,  the cabin burning down,  shauna losing her baby,  etc...  it all feels like her fault, because she is the one who insisted she was going to find a way out.  against everyone's warnings that it was a bad idea,  she refused to back down;  she went,  people got hurt,  and people lost hope because of it.  for tai,  all she can think about is that's all on her.

(  which doesn't mean she's ever willing to admit that outright,  because she's stubborn and we saw in the pilot itself that even when she does take responsibility for something,  she's not necessarily willing to let anyone else hear it.  )

every time another horrible thing happens in the wilderness,  she thinks back to this expedition.  she wonders how it could have been handled differently,  how she could have protected them all better.  it was her job to keep watch;  she is actually the one who insisted on it,  and yet at some point,  she fell asleep,  climbed the tree,  and they were all attacked.  and at some point,  her unconscious self stole van's own symbol of hope -- the very one tai belittled her for.   at that point in the timeline, she's still adamently against all of this,  so knowing she unconsciously participated in it,  in a way that helped only herself and hurt van,  really fucks her up even 25 years later. 

it's also the first time she's really ever been aware that she sleepwalks.  we see hints of it before then ---  lottie asking her if she was outside eating dirt and tai immediately shutting her down because she has no recollection,   van finding dirt underneath her fingernails and tai not knowing how it got there,  etc.  this was not her first time sleepwalking;  it was only the first time she was woken up like that and forced to see for herself that something was not right and she was not where she belonged.  so,  yeah,  she was sleepwalking before then --- but she credits her sleepwalking to this night,  to everything that went wrong surrounding it.  25 years later when she starts sleepwalking again after no sign of it since the wilderness,  all she can think about is that night with the wolves,  and how if it had gone differently back then,  maybe she wouldn't be sleepwalking in present day.  and maybe she wouldn't be creating rituals in her sleep 25 years later, the same way she did when she stole the bone around van's neck in her sleep. 

over the next few months,  she did start to understand that getting out of the wilderness was likely a long shot.  that doesn't mean she ever truly stops blaming herself for what went wrong, though.  it doesn't mean she can stop telling herself that she could have found a way --  because she's taissa,  she always tries to find a way,  she never backs down,  even when everyone was telling her she should have.   

none of the people who went with her were on board with her plan originally.  van tried to talk her out of it,  akilah questioned her about it,  etc -- and yet they all took a chance on her because they believed in her / the plan.  tai was going to go no matter what,  even if it was all on her own,  but she felt so much relief in knowing she didn't have to be alone.  but she still let every one of those people down. 

she failed.  and tai doesn't fail,  so now she has to deal with the repercussions --  which were literally almost life or death.  and in some cases,  indirectly,  they were death,  because she can't help but feel like she could've gotten them out of there sooner before anyone else died.  she was supposed to be the savior,  she was supposed to be the one who figured it all out,  who was strong enough to do it despite everyone telling her not to  (  because of course everyone telling her it was a bad plan only fueled her determination.  )    

there are many things she could have done differently, but likely no right answer.  the expedition was probably always going to fail.  it might have ended in all of their deaths instead of just the severe injuries.   but she's always going to believe it should have been her who got them out sooner;  her campaign slogan says she's going to lead new jersey out of the wilderness because she's still trying to make up for that failure and not lose it again.  

maybe if she didn't fail then, she wouldn't be failing now.  maybe if she didn't fail to get them out of there,  fail to maintain her agency fully,  fail to be the person she always swore she would be -- maybe she wouldn't need the help her wife insists she needs,  maybe she wouldn't need lottie to solve her problem.  maybe she would just actually be okay instead of having to convince everyone and herself that she is. 

[ladyintree]

@lingeringscars asked: if they’re scared, who do they want comfort from? does this answer change depending on the type of fear?

shauna. shauna is always the immediate answer, teen or adult (and you know this, and you're baiting me by sending this question, i see you). that's just her person. not even just in the sense of being her best friend (because i don't think she necessarily uses that word), but in the sense of... her being the only one to see her, in the darkest and most intimate form there is.

though i'd maybe say that 'want' is not exactly true -- as a teen, she wants comfort from van. as an adult, she wants comfort from simone. but the reality is, she can't necessarily get there with either of them. and it's not for lack of love or lack of trust, it's something about her, and how she perceives herself / wants to be perceived by others, that she can't get there with them. but she can with shauna. it happened accidentally, and she found comfort in it, and she never forgot it.

i'm putting the rest under a read more because i have a lot to say:

with van, they don't necessarily talk about the big things or about the deep feelings ( other than how they feel for each other. ) if van tries, tai often brushes her off, and because they don't see eye to eye on certain things - mainly, 'what's really happening out there,' she doesn't feel like she can. if something weird is going on with her, like her sleep walking / her stealing van's necklace in her sleep / her actively participating in things she is saying she doesn't believe in / etc., then telling van, of all people, is like admitting defeat -- because she is openly telling van that those things aren't real, don't etc, etc., and that there's nothing wrong with her. if she talks to van about it, she has to accept that something is not okay.

but she wants to go to van, because van is comfortable to her, van is the person she loves, van is her girlfriend. but they don't know how to deal with conflict, they don't know how to get on the same page on the bigger things (at least yet), and tai will do whatever she can to avoid some kind of confrontation with her ( most notably in ep 1x10, when they fight, and tai never actually agrees with her or gets on the same page with her.. she just immediately goes to the 'we're okay' and avoids it). using this quote for reference:

“i think this is going to be an ongoing problem for them: they don’t talk. they certainly don’t argue. i don’t think taissa knows about van’s mother; i don’t think van knows about taissa’s sleepwalking. these are two characters who adore each other but probably for a long time have had a relationship that’s practical: 'we’re high schoolers in 1996, let’s be sensible about this, and also, let’s have fun. we have a lot in common, we’re both no-nonsense, we’re both really smart, we both think we’re really hot.' but i don’t know that there’s a long-term foundation in place for them yet. what are these two like when there’s conflict?"

it's also hard for her to go to van about her sleepwalking because she's already put her in danger because of it. falling asleep, stealing her necklace (that she already claimed was bullshit and belittled van for yet is now actively using for comfort), and climbing to a tree while she was on watch and not being able to wake them all when the wolves attacked nearly killed van. so in tai's mind, it's like: 'how do i tell her about my sleep walking, when she nearly died because of it? isn't it easier just to not talk about it at all?' because.. avoidance is more comfortable for tai! so she's scared as hell to go to sleep, while also wishing she could sleep next to van and be honest with her about it, but she just can't. i think there's potential for that to change this season, but as of right now, she's not seeking comfort from van for reasons that have nothing to do with how she feels about her, but more so - how she wants van to perceive her.

to answer the second part of that question -- it does change depending on the type of fear. if it's as simple as "i'm scared of losing this game," then it's the opposite, in terms of not wanting to admit something like that to her teammates in a way that makes her look weak, but she can turn to van because she can be honest with her. but it's when things start to get weird in the wilderness that she's becoming less and less vulnerable with van because of the fears that start forming.

as adults, with simone, she wants to lean on her. she's her wife, she's her person, she's the person she's supposed to lean on, and she does trust her. i think she's been as honest with simone as she can be about her time in the wilderness -- leaving out only the things she refuses to address herself about the 'weird' things that happened, and the sleepwalking. when she tells simone about the sleepwalking in present day, she mentions it casually but in a way that's clearly new information to simone:

 "after the crash, when we were stuck out there, i started sleepwalking. a symptom of the trauma, i guess. once we were rescued, it just... just stopped."

she never told simone about the sleepwalking, or anyone else she met post-rescue for that matter, because she thought it was irrelevant. it stopped after she was rescued, so taissa claimed to herself it wasn't a problem and wasn't worth telling anyone about. and she doesn't like dwelling on the trauma from the wilderness anyway, because she likes to pretend that she was just immediately fine after being rescued even though that's so far from true.

when it comes to things like fearing for losing the election, etc., she can go to simone. but the bigger things - like what's going on with sammy, she does the same thing she did with van, which was brush it off and ultimately belittle her for buying into it, and it's all because of her own fear that she's unwilling to address even with herself.

she did eventually go to her when she was scared, but it was kind of at the last possible moment. it was because she already talked to shauna that she felt like she could talk to simone. it was because she got to the place of knowing she was putting her and her son in danger that she finally went to simone. it wasn't because she actually really wanted to address these things out loud, it was because she had to for their safety.

"–– but with the stress of the campaign, and everything that's been going on, um, it's happening again. no, uh.. it's not just happening. i'm doing it, and it fucking scares me, because the last time, i... um, i think i may have been the one to let biscuit out of the house."

she almost tells her what happened the last time. but she doesn't. because she can't. because she can let simone in far enough to try to keep her safe, but she can't let her in all the way.

everything is just easy with shauna. there is something about sleeping with shauna in the attic that brings them an intimacy neither of them planned on, and it continues through adulthood. even if they hadn't seen each other in years, they fall right back into place, like they've spent every night together for the last 20 years.

first it was learning about her pregnancy that brought them closer, already knowing shauna in a way no one else does, and then their relationship really changed when she tried to help shauna with her abortion. you don't go through that with someone without it changing you and your relationship forever, and it's sharing that horrific moment in time together that really urges taissa to finally open up with her fully too.

when she goes to sleep the night after they return from the wolf attack, she doesn't sleep next to van, she doesn't sleep in the same room with her to watch over her -- she goes back to the attic with shauna. because that's her place, and after everything she just went through, she needs to feel safe. shauna is her safe place. and by now, she's realized that she is not van's safe place. she doesn't tell the rest of the girls what happened, she pretends she doesn't know what happened. she lets the stress of the wolves distract everyone from the fact that she was asleep in a tree, not on watch. but she instantly tells shauna everything, because she needs to talk about it. and tai is not someone who usually willingly opens up about the things that scare her, but it just comes out with shauna.

because shauna is her person.