#lillians a good mom and lenas sad she doesn't remember

[foxx-queen]

give us the Earth Prime Lillian concepts that SG is too cowardly to deliver

took me while but here u go! part 1 of idk maybe a few more if people would like! also on ao3

never knew such tenderness 

When there’s a knock on her door, Lena considers ignoring it. She’s half way through her second glass of wine, and considering she still doesn’t know enough about who she is in this world, it could be anyone. She takes another sip, contemplating whether to pretend she’s not there, but the knocking persists, and she snaps, ‘come in’.

The door opens, and Lillian steps into her office. Lena rises quickly, setting her glass down and folding her arms tightly over her chest to place a barrier between them. Her jaw clenches, and she mutters, ‘what do you –’

Lillian moves much faster than Lena might’ve expected from her, and places her hand over her mouth. Lena freezes, her eyes widening, the surprise stopping her from instinctively shaking the woman off, as Lillian puts a finger to her lips, and grips her by the shoulder. She tugs, and Lena finds herself following her out onto her balcony, vaguely wondering if her mother is about to throw her off it. That snaps her out of it, and she jerks away from Lillian, her jaw set and her eyes narrowed. ’Mother, what are you doing?’

Lillian shuts the door to the office behind her, and turns to look at her. She’s still wearing the same petal pink suit skirt from earlier, that colour that looks so strange on her, her hair loose around her face. She looks softer than her own mother, the one from her world, her hair longer, something in her face gentler, but Lena knows it’s a lie. She knows this version of her mother is just like the other one, perhaps worse, because she doesn’t remember the moments they had. The moments that seem so important, now that she’s the only one who can remember them.

There’s something odd about the way Lillian is looking at her, and she’s so wound up, so highly strung, so tired, that when the woman takes a step closer, she snaps, ‘don’t’.

Supergirl lands on the balcony in front of her, and Lena isn’t really surprised. She isn’t surprised that Kara was still there, still listening, still making sure she’s okay. Her arms are held out from her body, pressed back a little like she’s trying to shield her, and Lena feels that familiar ache in her chest. She’s so close that Lena could easily place her hands on her shoulders, like she used to whenever Supergirl – whenever Kara – protected her, and she hates how much she misses that simplicity. Kara lifts a hand, and Lillian moves closer, keeps moving, crossing the space towards them until Lena is pretty sure she’s going to hit Kara, and then –

Lillian reaches out, and embraces her. She wraps her arms around Kara’s shoulders, cups the back of her head, and pulls her into what could only be described as a hug. Kara seems to freeze, her arms going slack by her sides, and Lena can almost picture the look on her face, the furrow between her brows, the wide eyes. Lillian lets go of her shoulder, reaches out, her arm sliding around Lena’s shoulders, and before Lena really understands what’s happening, her body is pressed against Lillian’s side, her face pressed to her shoulder, because Lillian is hugging her.

Lillian hasn’t hugged her in years. She never seemed like a naturally affectionate person, even with Lex, even with her father. But she’d hold Lena, sometimes, usually after the nightmares she had when she was young, and the memory of her mother’s death was still fresh. She held her after her father’s funeral, even though she herself seem so unaffected by it, and once, very briefly, after Lex went to prison. She’s never known what to make of them.

She has no idea what to make of this.

Kara’s arm is pressed tight against her own, and Lena feels like it’s burning her, like the warmth of her is seeping through her suit to burn into her skin. Kara clears her throat, and Lillian pulls back suddenly, a hand on each of their cheeks, her eyes wide and concerned. Are those tears? ‘I’m so glad you’re both alright’.

Lena opens her mouth, and nothing comes out. She glances at Kara, glad to see they’re united, at least for a moment, in their utter bafflement. She’s distracted by the way Lillian runs her thumb over her cheek, and turns to stare at her again. ‘What –‘

‘I’m so sorry for the things I said’, Lillian says, her voice choked like she’s struggling not to cry, and Lena feels like she’s stepped into a bizarre dream, ‘I had to’. She takes a deep breath, her hand warm against Lena’s cheek, and Lena, despite every reason not to, finds herself tilting her face into the touch. What was it she told Lillian about not wanting to be an island? She can’t remember, really, with her mother being so affectionate. Lillian takes a deep breath, and says, ‘after Lex told me what happened, I… I realised it would be best to pretend to be on his side’.

Lena’s horrified to realise that her lower lip is trembling, and she swallows tightly. ‘I… why did you pretend, with me?’

Lillian runs her thumb over her cheek again, and Lena feels like she’s unravelling. ‘He bugged our offices. He would’ve known’. She leans in, and Lena sucks in a sharp breath as Lillian presses their foreheads together. It feels like someone is squeezing her heart in a fist. ‘I’m so sorry’.

Lena doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t pull away, but she doesn’t know how to relax, either. The only person she’s ever really been comfortable hugging is Kara, and she doesn’t know if that’ll ever happen again. Lillian pulls away with a quick kiss to her forehead that makes Lena’s eyes burn, and turns to look at Kara. ‘Are you alright?’ she asks, her voice full of genuine concern that sounds so strange coming from her. ‘What am I saying? You can’t be, not after what you’ve been through’.

Kara blinks rapidly. She seems just as stunned by this as Lena, and she can’t help but wonder if Lillian is somehow the most changed person on this Earth. If this isn’t some strange facade. ‘What I’ve been through?’

Lillian frowns. ‘Well, your Earth dying. Losing people. I mean, we’re alive here, but it doesn’t erase the trauma’.

Lena nearly goes bug eyed. Hearing Lillian casually referring to trauma, to Kara’s trauma, makes her head hurt, and she pulls away a little. Lillian takes a step back, biting her lip as she looks between them, and her shoulders slump. ‘I really was awful in your world, wasn’t I?’

‘How do I know this is real?’ Lena snaps, and the way Lillian flinches hurts. All of this hurts, in a way she can’t even begin to describe. ‘How do I know you’re not… lying?’

It’s Kara who flinches this time, and Lillian lays a hand on her shoulder. She’s biting at her lip, a sign of anxiety that Lena has never seen from her before, and she gestures slightly. ‘Ask them’.

Lena turns around, and two women appear from the sky to touch down on the balcony. Lena has a brief moment to take in the fact that they have identical faces, before Kara makes a sound Lena’s never heard from her before. She turns to look at the woman she once considered her best friend, and something about the look on her face almost makes her reach out. She’s never seen Kara look so young.

‘Mom? Aunt Astra?’ Kara steps forwards slowly, almost like she can’t believe this is real, and then she’s lunging forwards and wrapping her arms around the womens’ necks. They hold her tight like she’s a child, whispering words in another language into her hair, and Lena looks away. It doesn’t feel like something she should see.

She glances at Lillian, only to see that her mother is watching the reunion with tears shining in her eyes. The corner of her mouth is crooked faintly, and she looks almost fond. Lena stares, and somehow, impossibly, she knows this is real. She knows, however strange this seems, that this is her mother now. It’s who she is. Someone kind, someone nice, who now turns to look at her with such affection that it leaves her feeling winded.

This time, when Lillian leans in to hug her, Lena lets herself hug her back.

~   ~   ~

‘So what exactly did Lex tell you?’

Lillian pauses, and then sighs heavily, pouring Lena a cup of tea before she slides it across the coffee table towards her. That’s the same, at least. Lillian’s always preferred tea and coffee over a stiffer drink. She might’ve been the only Luthor who did. She sits back, tucking her ankles together like she always does, and rests her hands in her lap. ‘He told me some nonsense about Superman and Supergirl being evil and trying to take over the world, and something about how terribly he’d been treated, and that I’d helped him take over the last world to keep it out of their hands’.

Lena raises her eyebrows. That does sound like Lex. ‘But you didn’t believe him?’

Lillian shrugs slightly. ‘No. I mean, I have no idea what the last world was like, other than… the fact that I wasn’t… good to you’. She glances away, picking up her own cup with faintly trembling hands, and Lena hates that she feels bad. This Lillian isn’t her mother, but that doesn’t make it easy. The woman clears her throat, and says, ‘I don’t know what he was expecting but… I have memories from this world, Lena. I know Kara just wants to help. I know her people just want to find a home. They’re kind, and they saved my life. Your life. Lex’s life, even’. She snorts, and shakes her head. ‘He doesn’t… I don’t know what he expected. But if I was really that awful back on your world, maybe he just expected me to go with it’.

Despite all the information being thrown at her, Lena finds herself fixating on one thing. ‘You know Kara is Supergirl?’

Lillian blinks at her, and frowns slightly. ‘Of course I do. You both told me’.

‘We told you?’

Lillian sits up a little straighter, her frown tightening. ‘Are you not… oh’. Lillian bites her lip, and looks suddenly sad. ‘I’m sorry, I assumed…’

‘Assumed what?’

‘Well, you and Kara are – were – dating, in this world’.

Lena opens her mouth, and nothing comes out. She feels dizzy, and for a moment she’s not sure if she’s going to burst into tears, or start laughing. She doesn’t know which one would be more appropriate. When she blinks, Lillian’s sitting by her side, a hand on her back as she squeezes her hand, and Lena reels around to look at her. Lillian bites her lip, and says, ‘I’m sorry, I just… when she landed, thinking you were in danger, I assumed… that you were dating’.

She wants to say that they’re not even friends. That she doesn’t want anything to do with Kara. But all that comes out is, ‘Lex didn’t know?’

Lillian snorts. ‘There are a lot of things Lex doesn’t know’.

To her surprise, Lena feels herself smiling. ’He’d hate that. He thinks he knows everything’. She wipes at her eyes, her jaw tightening a little, and exhales shakily. ‘What else doesn’t he know, then?’

Lillian seems to hesitate. She tucks her hair behind her ear, and murmurs, ‘I… a lot of it is… a very long story. Involving… well, things I assume you don’t know’. She glances at her, fiddling with a ring on her finger, and says, ‘do you know… about your father? Did your version of me tell you about him?’

Lena frowns slightly, glancing down at what she realises is a wedding ring on Lillian’s finger. Her frown deepens. Lillian stopped wearing her ring after Lionel died. ‘You told me that Lionel was my father. That I wasn’t just adopted’.

Lillian grimaces slightly. ‘That’s it?’

Lena shrugs. She’s distracted by the way Lillian keeps touching her ring, and gestures at it. ‘Did you and Dad… make it up, I mean, properly? Did you… fall in love with him again?’

Lillian makes a face, one so bizarrely unlike her that Lena almost chokes. Lillian glances at her, and smiles slightly. ‘No, sweetheart. I’m like you, actually. A raging lesbian, as Alex puts it’.

‘A raging –‘ Lena can feel herself going bright red, and she stands suddenly. ‘Sorry, I just… need a minute’.

She leaves quickly, crossing into the dining room. Lillian had taken her to her house, a much smaller, more homely place than the Luthor mansion. She’d never visited Lillian’s house on Earth, so she has no idea if this is similar. She braces her hands on the table for a moment, and takes a slow, deep breath. She inhales the scent of flowers, and glances up to see a vase of her favourite on the table. Her mouth twists, and she turns away to face a side table that’s covered in photos. There’s several of her at different ages, and one of her and Kara, their arms wrapped around each other as they smile out at the camera. Lena’s throat tightens, and she quickly looks away.

There’s another of her and Lillian that seems to have been taken on the same night. Lillian has an arm around her shoulders, and Lena is leaning very far to towards her, a glass of champagne dangling from her fingers. She looks a little tipsy, but happy, and Lillian’s smiling down at her. She’s grinning. Lena’s never seen her smile like that, and certainly not at her.

‘That was the day you and Kara told me you were together’.

Lena jumps, and turns to see Lillian leaning against the doorframe. She’s changed into black slacks and a short sleeved white shirt, a look that is almost casual on her. Her eyes are wistful, and Lena swallows tightly. ‘You were happy for me’.

It’s not a question, but Lillian nods anyway. ‘I was happy for both of you’. She hesitates, and says, ‘there’s… more. There’s some in my room, but there’s quite a lot in yours’.

Lena blinks. ‘My room?’

Lillian smiles, and she looks almost embarrassed. ‘I… kept your room for you, after you moved out. You thought I was just being sentimental, and you were definitely right, but… you stay over quite often’.

‘Oh’. She stares at Lillian, and the sad way she’s regarding the photos, and it suddenly occurs to her how hard this must be for her. This Lillian has years of memories of her, of loving her, and Lena doesn’t remember any of it.

In that moment, she hates Lex for taking that from her.

Something rises in her throat, and she hears herself say, ‘do you love me?’

Lillian’s eyes go very wide, and she reaches out to cup Lena’s face in her hands. Her touch is gentle, her hands warm and soft, and tears blur Lena’s vision. ‘Oh, baby, I love you so much’. She bites her lip, and Lena reaches up to curl her fingers around Lillian’s wrists. ‘I… for a long time, I didn’t think I was really capable of loving anyone. That I couldn’t… do it properly. But…’ she smiles, and even though theres tears in her eyes, it’s a genuine thing. ‘I loved you almost from the moment you came to us’.

Lena closes her eyes, and lets Lillian strokes away her tears for a moment. Then she takes a deep breath, pulling away to wipe at her eyes, and mumbles, ’sorry’.

‘Don’t apologise, sweetheart’. Lillian smoothes her hand over her hair, and Lena huffs a laugh. ‘You haven’t done anything wrong’.

Lena shrugs slightly, and mumbles, ‘I guess’. She looks up at Lillian for a moment, a thousand questions tumbling over in her head. She wants to ask about her childhood, and Kara, and why Lillian is so different. But instead, she says, ‘who did you marry?’

Lillian smiles, a sudden, bright thing, and reaches out to pick up one of the framed photos. She passes it to Lena, and Lena finds herself looking down at a photo of herself, in her early teens, sitting on the floor in front of a chessboard. There’s a beautiful, dark skinned woman sitting beside her, staring down at the chess pieces with a puzzled frown. Her younger self seems to be attempting to explain how they work to her. Lena’s lips twitch, and she says, ‘who is she?’

‘Lara’, Lillian says softly, and there’s an almost reverence to the way she says the woman’s name, ‘you’ve always been very close’.

‘How did you meet her?’

Lillian’s smile broadens, and she laughs. ‘Oh, she’s Superman’s birth mother’.

Lena thinks she might laugh, if she had any energy to do so. She wonders how Lex reacted to that. How she did. How many memories of this woman her mother married she’s supposed to have. She takes a shuddering breath, places the photo down, and whispers, ‘you really have a lot to tell me, don’t you?’

Lillian reaches out to cup her cheek, and draws her gently into her arms. ‘It can wait’, she murmurs, ‘if you want’.

Her hand strokes slowly up and down Lena’s back, the other cradling the back of her head gently, and Lena has a sudden, vivid memory of another moment like this, years ago when she’d awoken from a nightmare to find Lillian sitting beside her. Lillian had held her just like this, her touch a little more hesitant, but maybe its the memory that causes Lena to sink into the embrace with a soft sigh. She closes her eyes, and wraps her arms hesitantly around the other woman, her fingers curling in her shirt, and nods.

It can wait.