#lil edit of the Diary as well for flavour

[spectralscathath]

Tour Guide to the Unexplained- A Gravity Falls Fanfiction

Chapter 1: Pines vs Gnomes

Stan and Ford didn't expect much when getting shipped up to Gravity Falls to stay with estranged family. Not gnomes, not a town full of secrets, and definitely not the Mystery Shack and their lying uncle who runs it. But with Ford's smarts and Stan's punching, there's no mystery they can't solve.

Ao3 Link

Stan didn't know what he expected of the old guy Shermie called their Grunkle Dipper, but it wasn't what they got. Ford closed the door to their new attic bedroom as Stan stood in the middle of the room, looking between the two beds. Not bunk beds. Nothing like home. 

The silence was thick, so Stan broke it with a laugh. "What a load a' hokey, whaddaya think, Sixer?"

He expected Ford to start laughing and making fun of all those stupid 'exhibits' in the tourist trap their grunkle called the Mystery Shack. Fake cursed stuff, fake monsters, and fake ghosts. Fake and fake and fake.

Ford wasn't laughing. He stomped past Stan and threw his backpack and duffel bag at one of the beds, immediately claiming the left side of the room for himself. 

Stan picked anxiously at the edge of his wrist brace, unsure what to do with himself as he stood in the middle of the room. "Sixer?"

" What , Stan?" Ford snapped, already climbing onto his bed and emptying out his stuff with less care than usual.

"Is this 'cuz I called it hokey? I know you like this stuff, Ford, but that's all definitely fake down there-"

"I hate it." Ford growled out, gripping his typewriter as he pulled it out of his backpack. Dad was never able to pawn it, so it became last year's birthday present. 

"You hate it?" 

"Yes! There's actual real anomalies and stuff out there- we saw the Jersey Devil for cryin' out loud- and he's making a big stupid joke outta it!" Ford's face went red with anger, six-fingered hands shaking. "Outta freaks!"

Stan got the jolt that he needed to move, scrambling up onto Ford's bed with him and shoving his shoulder against his twin's. "Kay then, let's go kick his butt about it."

"Stan!" Ford instantly looked stricken. "We can't do that!"

"Why not?" Stan punched his fist into his palm and winced at the twinge of pain in his bones. "He's made you feel bad so he gets the left hook. Them's the rules."

"He's an adult."

"Adult, schmadult-" Stan waved off. "Screw that-"

"And mom said you can't punch anyone for another week until you get the brace off."

"Then I'll kick him! Ka-pow!" Stan kicked his feet out in demonstration of his awesome fighting moves and Ford snorted, giving him a small shove. 

"He's twice your size, knucklehead."

"So we'll team up," Stan shoved him back. "Kings of New Jersey, right?"

"Kings of New Jersey," Ford repeated, already looking less mad. Sad. Smad. "We still can't fight an adult though."

"Sure we can! I'll trip him and you jump on his head when he's down-"

"Stanley," Ford rolled his eyes, but he was smiling, so that was a plus. That was Stan's job. They only ever had each other, and they only ever would, because neither of them would ever have any friends, but that didn't matter, and this was why. Things were always better when you had a twin to have your back. 

"Okay, okay. But he can't make us work here. He's got that cashier and that handyman guy, and he has to run tours, so we can just run off in the woods. It'll be fun, let's find Bigfoot."

"Do you think he'd be out here?" Ford's eyes lit up and he scrambled for his notepad and pencil, already scribbling a vague map of the area from his recollection of the trip from the bus stop, probably. Ford's brain was so cool, he had to be the smartest person in the history of ever. 

"Sure, it's forest-y." That was his thing, right?

"Then let's find Bigfoot." Ford grinned and hopped off the bed, flicking the collar of his jacket up like he was an adventurer. A real one, not the fake kind Grunkle Dipper dressed up as. 

"Bigfoot!" Stan jumped off and threw his fists in the air. "Let's go!"

"C'mon, Stanley, you gotta wear a jacket."

"Nah, sleeves are for nerds."

"Hey!" Ford punched his arm, grinning bright. "Don't call me a nerd, goober."

"Don't call me a goober, nerd!"Stan punched him back and ran out the door, past their grunkle's bedroom with its big 'no kids allowed' sign, and down the stairs, taking a big jump over the last two, nearly crashing into Dipper at the bottom.

"Whoa-" Dipper darted back, holding something behind his back. He was still dressed like some Indiana Jones rip-off, like he should be diving into old cities for gold but here he was, running a tourist trap. "You're in a rush, what's going on?"

"We're Bigfoot hunting!" Stan blurted out.

"Can it, Stan!" Ford ran down to join him and slapped a hand over his mouth. "We're gonna go exploring- EW, STANLEY!" He ripped his hand away as Stan finished licking his hand. 

Dipper stared at them before shrugging. "Yeah, I was the same at your age. Just don't go too far, alright? Oh- and hang up these signs, while you're out there." He pulled out a hammer and signs from behind his back and tossed them down. 

"What?" Stanley stuck out his tongue even as he caught the hammer, Ford fumbling the signs as they clattered on the carpet. Heh, and mom thought Stan needed to wear glasses more. Lame. "But we're exploring."

"Explorers have to mark their trail, don't they?" Dipper grinned and struck a pose, tipping his hat. "As this town's resident monster hunter, paranormal investigator, and Tour Guide to the Unexplained-" if Ford didn't hate it, Stan woulda applauded the showmanship- "I'd know."

Ford bent down to pick up the signs, grumbling under his breath. Dipper didn't hear, but Stan did. 'Faker' was accurate. 

Stan spoke over him to prevent either from getting in trouble. "We'll hang up the dumb signs."

"Yep." Dipper patted them both on the head as he walked by. Stanley tried to scrub his hair clean of the touch. What was that for? "Don't get too disappointed if you don't see Bigfoot today, alright? Gravity Falls is a pretty sleepy town. Be back by dinner!"

"We will!" Stan only lied a little, following Ford out through the gift shop, past Carla reading a music magazine behind the register, past Boyish Dan lifting boxes out of Dipper's beat-up old pick-up truck, the faded blue paint chipped and dented, and past the attached shed where Waddles Jr. took pictures with tourists.

Ford stopped at the edge of the trees, the signs gathered in his arms before he handed them to Stanley. "We'll show him. Let's find that Bigfoot."

"Yeah! Let's show this place how we do things in Jersey!"

#

Gnome bites really hurt. Were they venomous? Surely not, but maybe he should test their wounds for toxins? Even if there wasn't venom, there could be bacteria! Who knew what gnomes ate- and Ford bet they didn't even brush their teeth. "What if we get some magic gnome disease?"

"Uh- soup, I guess?" Stanley carried most of Ford's weight as they limped out of the woods, covered in twigs and dirt and a lot of scratches. "Mom always makes soup when we get sick."

"Yeah. Soup is a primitive but effective cure for ailments." But it wouldn't be Mom's soup out here. "Where did you even get that switchblade?" And how did Ford not know about it? Tying a knife to a possum was one thing when they were nine- but Stanley had a switchblade and Ford didn't know about it.

"Nicked it when we were packing." Stanley shrugged as if that wasn't the scariest thing Ford had heard and they just stumbled on gnomes making abduction plans. Didn't Stanley remember getting grounded for a whole summer? 

"But, Dad'll be so mad-" 

 "Dad won't notice." Right, with the renovations. With all the asbestos and lead paint the city was making him get rid of, a single switchblade might not be missed. He could see Stanley's logic, but he still wasn't sure. And it didn't answer his real question anyway.

"So… why did you take it?" 

"I dunno- in case of mountain lions? Or bears? Maybe there's wolves out here!" Stan grinned, a gap in his teeth. "And definitely for scaring gnomes. Did you see that guy's face?"

"Yeah," Ford laughed because it seemed like the right response, still uneasy. "I'm glad they didn't chase us too far. I wish we could have caught one though, just to show Dipper."

"Let's go do that tomorrow. They look pretty small, and pretty stupid, so you should figure out a trap easy." Stan gave him a friendly squeeze. They didn't hug so much anymore, Ford missed it. All part of growing up though, that's what this trip was about. Toughening up and becoming real men, dad said. Learning how to pull their weight instead of letting other people carry it. Speaking of-

"I think I can walk now." Ford pulled away and tested his foot. Still hurt a bit, but felt better. "Thanks, Stan."

"Hey, that's what I'm for, Poindexter," Stan grinned and reached into the back of his jeans. "And look! We didn't lose Grunkle Dipper's hammer either!"

"Yeah, and we found this too." Ford smiled and reached into his jacket, pulling out the diary they'd found. It was definitely a girl's diary, neon purple and covered in sparkles and puffy stickers that were peeling off and a painted-on shooting star that trailed rainbows. The big number 3 inside the star was what really held his attention. Were there other diaries? The writer's name was missing, and the pages stopped halfway through, and the scratch-and-sniff stickers on each page had lost their sniff, and the entries grew increasingly paranoid. He wondered where the writer was now. Were they the ones who left all those scratches on every tree around the Shack?

There were so many questions. He had to know more.

"Do you think that diary's right about 'Gravity Falls having a secret hidden dark side'?" Stan did a pitch perfect impression of Ford, spinning the hammer his hand and nearly dropping it on his sneakers.

"It was right about gnomes in the forest," Ford shrugged, flipping through. Some of the illustrations were wacky and cartoony, some were more realistic, some had googly eyes glued on, and all of them were the coolest things he'd ever seen. He liked the stickers too, some of them were cute, but he couldn't admit that. Stickers and cute things were for girls. 

"Are you gonna show Grunkle Dipper?" 

Ford hesitated, an inexplicable feeling of being watched settling right between his shoulders. He turned around, looking at the forest behind them and didn't see anything. 

Waddles Jr. oinked loudly from his pen, making Ford jump and Stanley laugh at him. Stupid pig. Why did Grunkle Dipper even have a pig? It was so big too, he thought pigs were supposed to be smaller.

No. He didn't want to tell Grunkle Dipper. Dipper wouldn't understand, he'd just use it to make more fake anomalies. He wouldn't believe it. He wouldn't believe Ford. He might even laugh at him for carrying around such a girly-looking book.

Ford put the diary back into his jacket and looked at Stan. "I don't want to tell him."

"Cool, super twin secret." Stan agreed immediately, holding up his braced hand. "High six?"

"High six," Ford smiled and gently tapped his palm against Stanley's, careful not to aggravate his healing wrist. Stan said it was a boxer's fracture, and he complained about it hurting after a boxing lesson, so it had to be. Stan was a good liar, way better than Ford ever could be, but after the Jersey Devil incident, he'd agreed to never lie to Ford again. 

The bell jingled as they entered the Mystery Shack, closed for the day and devoid of suckers for their Grunkle to swindle, Carla the cashier and Boyish Dan the handyman already gone home for the day. Just them and their Grunkle, the conman.

"Wow. What happened? You two look like you got in a fight with a- a wolverine? Or something?" Dipper stood up from where he sat behind the counter, his hat hanging over the register. Ford hadn't noticed the little tree pin on the hat's band before. 

"You should see the other guy." Stan slapped the hammer on the counter, following Ford towards the house section of the place. Ford didn't want to talk to their Grunkle, he just wanted to check his gnome bites and read the diary until his eyes fell out. 

"Uh- hey!" Dipper called after him, and they both stopped. Dad made sure they had manners, after all. Dipper cleared his throat, tapping his pen against his chin. "Listen- I know this was last minute, but I want you two to have a good summer. Tell you what: you can both pick something from the gift shop as a welcome present, on the house."

"Really?" Did he think he could bribe them into liking him?

"What's the catch?" Stan asked, instantly suspicious. Dad would never allow that. The only way he ever gave stock to them was as a birthday gift if he hadn't been able to sell it and didn't think anyone would ever buy it. They didn't get very many birthday gifts from him. Ford's typewriter had been the first in two years. 

"No take-backsies?" Dipper chewed the top of the pen- gross- and shrugged. "No swaps, how about it?"

"Deal!" Stan nodded and dove into the aisles, Ford following behind at a sedate pace. Just one thing? But there was so much choice, so much stuff that was weird for a gift shop to have. He could see socks, bookmarks, mystery gift bags, survival kits, all sorts of gemstones and crystals, weird runestones, keychains, power tools, snow globes, Waddles Jr. bobbleheads, question mark headbands, bottles of formaldehyde, fake cyclops skulls, baseball hats, postcards, toys, t-shirts, salt and pepper shakers, jars of fake body parts…

He stopped in front of the grappling hook box and stared at what was in the next basket, 'world's strongest magnets!!' emblazoned on the packaging. Seeing the two next to each other was like a localised lightning strike of inspiration, his brain sparking with an idea, a need to create. Not the grappling hook- too unsafe- but the general shape…

"Can I have these magnets?" He grabbed them and held them up to show Dipper. 

"That's a good choice," Dipper leaned over the counter to see. "Just don't aim them at your fillings and you should be fine."

"We don't have fillings." They were still losing all their milk teeth, after all. Dad said they wouldn't need to waste money on dentists until they had teeth worth losing. It was factually incorrect, but their father was not a man to argue with.

"Then you're good to go." Dipper smiled at him as Stan ran out from the aisles. "Whatcha got there, Stan?"

"Smoke bomb kit!" Stan yelled excitedly.

"Not like- brass knuckles?" Ford blinked in confusion. There were probably some for sale in this place. Stan was good at punching. 

"I'm gonna make smoke bombs!"

"Have fun with those." Dipper popped on his hat. "I'm gonna feed Waddles Jr., be ready for dinner in ten."

There was a moment where Ford wanted to tell him everything, that the gnomes were just outside the treeline, that they got into a big fight with a whole colony of them after Stan fell into their cave and saw them practicing their human disguise, that they got away with just a few bites and scratches. 

Ford wanted to tell Dipper that the supernatural was real, the anomalies he sold to tourists as a hoax were real , but all he had to go on were some bitemarks and the diary of a mad artist. 

And Dipper would probably just blame squirrels for the bitemarks. Just like everyone else always blamed clumsiness for everything else. 

No. Ford couldn't trust Grunkle Dipper, who only Shermie spoke fondly of and no one else in the family had seen or talked about in years. Grunkle Dipper wasn't someone he could trust. No one was.

Except Stan. 

Ford tucked his magnets next to the diary and ran upstairs to join his twin, head spinning with a million questions and a deep, burning surety that he could find the answers himself.

#

Dipper waited for all the lights to go out before he slipped out of the Mystery Shack, a denim jacket thrown over his pajamas as his boots crunched on the dirt, vanishing into the woods under the full moon. 

He hopped down into the gnome caverns, the moss springy under his feet. "Hey, you gnomes! I wanna talk to whoever's in charge!"

Gnomes popped out of every crevice- he nodded once in respect at Schmebulock, who nodded back- and one of them pushed through the gathering crowd until he stood on a rock that put him just at Dipper's knee height. 

"Well- since the old queen got eaten by a badger and we're looking for a new one, I'm currently the one giving orders." He flicked his suspenders with a smile that Dipper wanted to punt. "Name's Jeff. And you're-?"

Dipper lifted his bangs in answer, watching the gnome horde start chattering nervously amongst themselves. Yeah. He wasn't thrilled about his reputation with the secret side of Gravity Falls either. Still- it could be useful. 

"There were two human kids today." Dipper dropped his hair and crossed his arms, cutting in before Jeff could start talking more. "I want everyone in the forest to know not to hurt them. They're my nephews."

"Well- they caused some trouble in our territory, so you see, we had to-"

"No. Don't care, not interested." Dipper reached into his jacket and pulled out his flashlight, brandishing it like a weapon at Jeff, the crystal attached set to 'shrink'.

"Now hold on-"

"Tell everyone in the forest: no one messes with the Pines twins. Or else I start showing real attractions again." Which would tank his profits unless he picked very carefully, and would be more trouble than it was worth, but the forest didn't need to know that.

"No- no, we're all fine and dandy with how things are!" Jeff laughed nervously, waving his hands. "Alright, gnomes! You heard this guy, no one kills the new kids! Someone go tell the manotaurs!"

"You do that." Dipper started walking towards the exit, throwing out one more suggestion for the road. "And don't kidnap anyone this summer, alright? It's seriously messed up when you do that."

Stepping out of the gnome cavern had him drawing his jacket tighter and doing up a few buttons to ward off the feeling of being watched. He could hear the faint rustling behind him of a hundred gnomes rushing off in every direction, the wind catching in the pine needles, and it sounded like an echo, laughter in the back of his head. 

He left the trees and returned to the Shack, past Waddles Jr., and into the gift shop. The boys were- well, a setback, but one he could work around. He just had to keep them alive for the summer and send them home in one piece. Why did he even agree to this? Didn't matter, he did, just had to work with it now.

The vending machine slid open with a hiss. Just one small setback. Mabel would understand. She just had to wait a little longer.

He wasn't going to let the rest of the family ruin things.

[haydenjjames]

Dear Diary, its been a moment

Let’s talk about my week shall we....

Hello old friend, I hope you’re doing well. Me? I could be better these last few weeks have been some of the worst my life but also some of the best times iv’e had this week. A lot of things have happened this week, to be completely honest I dot know where to start. 

Let’s start with today. Today, I went to meet this guy, he’s called Callum, i’ve known him for quite a long time however we never spoke… like ever, the only reason I knew him was through a girl I was friends with. They went out together a long time ago and when I was friends with the girl they were going out so I had only really seen him if I had met her outside of school and they were together. I don't know why that was so hard for me to say, basically I knew him through an old friend because they went out. Okay good we have got that awful explanation out the way. Back to my point it was a few months ago that some how we had connected on facebook and we started talking. We had spoken a lot about his past, which I won’t go into thats his business, but I really got on with him. So today was the first time that we had met together one on one, and I really enjoyed myself. I'm an extremely nervous person when I first meet someone alone for the first time, but when I met up with him and as soon as I saw him I just felt so comfortable and honestly it was a lovely feeling. Me and Callum met in town I had drove to my aunties, I assumed he had got the bus into town and we had met outside the old church, I always joke how it would fall down I entered it started because my auntie would always say it to me and I found it really funny, back to Callum. We met outside the church and he was talking to this gentle man about Leamington (a neighbouring city) I didn’t really listen the conversation, didn’t want to be that person who eavesdrops. So when he is finished he started talking to me about where we were going to eat and how he had worked there and at the shop on the corner and the place just before it. When we got to playwrights (where we were eating and where he used to work) we sat down on the couches and waited for a table and he was talking about everything that was going on in his life and his music gigging bands etc. and how he had made these drums out of an odd thing and how he was really proud of doing it and it was the cutest thing ever! We got our table and sat down, opposite each other it just felt right. When I talk to someone I dont like to look them in the eye because it makes me feel comfortable but the whole time we were talking to someone I was looking at him in the eye and him me and it was just such a strange feeling for me to not feel uncomfortable, but I liked it. As we were talking he just made me feel like he actually cared. We had our food we talked for a good hour or two and then we had to go because he had band rehearsals and that was that! That was the first time meeting Callum one on one, and I really enjoyed myself. He wouldn’t let me pay tho, I said I was paying next time. 

Whilst we are on the topic of boys I’ll just update you since the last time we spoke, I haven’t really spoken to “him” I dont remember if I used his name, but I haven’t really spoke to him as he’s been busy with his jobs flying all over the world lol, he is currently at the time of me writing this on a cruise in the… Caribbean, I think. But yes I hope me and him get to meet up again it would be nice to seen him. 

Right then, let’s start at last Saturday, so I took the weekend off because it was my birthday on the Sunday so the saturday I had completely free apart from a halloween party I was going to in the evening. It was a friend of a friends and I had been invited mdi was going with another friend. So I pick my friend up, I go and get something to eat and drop her at her boyfriends as she had forgotten something. As we are driving to the party we get to a junction where there are two lanes, one to turn left and one to go straight on, I say to my friend how I hate the junction as we pull up in the lane to go straight on. A car pulls up next to me with their indicator on to go left, so naturally I assume they are going left the lights change to green and we go so I go straight on and so does this car so they end up hitting the side of my car and damaging the paint work of the passenger door (and possibly denting it) so at this point I'm like what is going on so I know that I cant stop in the junction so I drive on and there is a car behind and then the car that collided with me behind that so I slow right down to make the car behind go round and the car I collided with his flashing me and I was already indicating to pull over, so anyways she gets out the car and I ask if she’s okay and straight of the gate she says “no you just fucking crashed into my car” as soon as she said this I was pissed but I was like you know what hun I ain’t got time for this, I give her my details she takes photos of her and my car she gets in her car and I wait for ages for her to leave and that just put me in a sour ass mood for the night. 

I tried to forget it had happened for the sake of my enjoyment at the party that I was heading to, I did quite enjoy it but I just didn’t feel like I belonged, just cause I only knew 3 people there, well I knew 4 but i’ll talk about that lil bitch in a minute. But me and my friends had sat in the kitchen cause they were paying a drinking game and I dont drink, I couldn’t drink cause I was driving but I dont drink anyway and my friends weren’t drinking cause they had work the next day so it was pointless joining in with the game. We spent a good 3/4 hours at the party and there was a girl there that me and my friend knew from school and she wasn’t the nicest of people to my friend but me and this girl got on fairly well, the WHOLE time we were there she completely ignored us everyone else said hi asked how we were etc she even looked directly at us and didn’t say a word, I mean how rude. It made me laugh when she looked at us cause me and my friend looked at each other like wtf was that about. 

The next day, on my 21st birthday I spend 3 hours on the phone to the my car insurance people about the car I spoke to 3 different people and two of them said that I would have to pay the full excess and then one said I would only have to pay what it would cost, I got the bill the other day and I didn’t have to pay my full excess, only what it cost. But other than that I had a nice birthday, when my friends had finished work al three of us when out for ice cream at place called sprinkles that I'd never been to and I found my favourite smoothie of all time, I don’t remember the name but the flavours were peach, passion fruit and mango, it was gorgeous!

Lets backtrack, the Friday before the halloween party I had my hair bleached and dyed grey and for the longest time I've wanted to have grey hair I think its just cause its a colour that I've never had before. I did it for the halloween party for the character that I went as. I just love having a different colour hair to my natural colour I just think its so cool how within 2 hours I can go from having dark blond/ light brown hair to bleach blond hair… it is surreal to me, the hairdresser also found out about my instagram and the makeup I do cause I was editing one of the photos for it and she said how cool it was and asked me about it which was nice.

Now we are jumping back to recent events, on Thursday I go out shopping and I had a text from my mother saying that the washing machine was leaking, (the pipe at the back where the waste water goes). So when I gets home and have something to eat I go to sort it out… the last time it was easy we just used the plunger in the sink and managed to push the blockage out, however this time the washing machine wouldn’t drain and the sink would where as last time nothing would drain at all, so it was really odd! So we took basically all the pipes out I had to cut the back of the cupboard to get to the pipes to take them out and the blockage turned out to be after the sink and was the dishwasher so I still don’t understand how the sink was draining but the washing machine wasn’t… either way we sorted it out and its been fine since, thats 3 different times i’ve had to sort a blockage out… I'm basically a plumber.

Rewinding back to last Tuesday. Monday was my aunties birthday and her niece had been texting me all week about taking her out for her birthday for afternoon tea, and it was going to be a surprise and I kept my end of the bargain but in my birthday card that she had sent me she had said that my birthday present was also afternoon tea, which we agreed (she didn’t know what to get me cause I've got everything I want), and when I was leaving my aunties on the Sunday of my birthday I had forgot to take that card the ONE card that I should have made sure had, I forgot. So I get home and I have a txt off my auntie saying about how her niece was taking me out for afternoon tea so I had to come clean and tell her but I made sure that she knew that she had to act like it was a surprise in a way I'm glad that she found out cause it took a lot of pressure off of the day and she was able to get ready the way she would have wanted to go somewhere nice. They come they surprise her its all fun. 

When we get to the place where we were having afternoon tea we get seated in the conservatory and we had a view the garden which have a river running through and a small bridge over the river in the summer it would be absolutely ideal for a wedding it was really quite lovely. When the food come there was an assortment of cakes, we all got a choice of one sandwich (they give you like 4 mini sandwiches of that type) so we all chose different ones so that we could try them all, I had chosen the ham and English mustard, it was delightful! I also tried a beef with horseradish sauce, I had never tried horseradish sauce so I was unsure but I tried it and I really enjoyed it! We had out scones and cakes which were also lovely and then we sat and talked for a little bit and went home and it was a really good time I genuinely enjoyed myself, was starting after though it didn’t fill be up at all. 

hugs Hayden xox