#like... one of my goals is to get buffer i suppose but i find that that goal isn't helpful when it is my main goal

[uncanny-tranny]

My biggest pieces of advice to people who want to get into fitness would be generally:

1. Fitness shouldn't be used to punish yourself

2. Setting goals that prioritizes your body's abilities over aesthetics can be more helpful (e.g., my main goals for fitness are to improve my cardiovascular system, which I find has been more helpful than "get buff" as a goal)

3. There is no such thing as "wrong" fitness, so long as your body is safe. If you're disabled, for instance, your fitness will likely look different than an able-bodied person's, and that is not a bad thing. Do what your body is able to do and what is most enjoyable

4. If you are fat, you might not lose weight by being physically active. You may gain weight if you are gaining muscle, and that's okay. Additionally, you don't have to make your fitness goal "losing weight." Your goals don't even have to involve your weight because that isn't the end all be all of fitness. Fitness doesn't exist to solely make you lose weight

5. It's okay to adapt fitness routines in accordance with what your body can currently do - no shame is needed, also!

[justanotherfanartist]

taps mic. ahem.

help a student write a dumb rvb research paper? pretty please?? for funsies???

This is exactly what it sounds like.

My current final of the year for my language composition class is a massive synthesis + argumentative research paper on any topic of our choosing, and Roosterteeth + RVB has too much messy junk going on that I’m knee-deep invested in mentally at this point to pass up the opportunity to write about it.

And yknow, I see a ton of media analysis posts coming out of the fandom all the time and I’ve always loved seeing it and reading into it and sharing ideas and whatnot and this feels like my way of doing that too.

Essentially what I’m reaching out for is for you guys to help me crowdsource resources and share your ideas with me to include in my term paper*.

things that would be wizard cool of you to send me are:

any interviews or behind the scenes with the cast and creators you happen to know of

your own analysis or hot takes of the characters or the show as a whole

what the show has meant to you

any clips of old Roosterteeth expos

for the older fans, a rough idea of what the release timeline looked like for the episodes and what the buildup and fan reaction was for each one

any commentary or hot takes on how the fandom has changed since you joined/that you know of

what Roosterteeth did wrong (writing wise and irl)

what Roosterteeth did right (writing wise and irl)

tropes within the show you noticed whether originated by the show or not

tropes within the fandom, things like similar portrayals or bad/good takes on characters or face canons that span artists

literally anything you can give me, media, commentary, or opinion wise

(not to say I can’t find things on my own, I already have, but this is also about varying opinions and the general outlook of the fandom as a whole and measuring the broader impact of a show like RvB and it would be incredibly cool of you to help me out even with just crumbs of character opinions)

The idea is to get evidence together from clips, personal anecdotes, and opinions so I can present an accurate read on the fandom, especially when it comes to fan interpretation of RVB vs Roosterteeth’s intentions for the show (and behavior as a company) and explore what the show was supposed to be, what it literally is, how people see it, what its impact has been, and a general overview of the it’s legacy and lifespan, that sort of thing.

My thesis is most likely going to end up something in the ballpark of “How Roosterteeth exemplifies the Franchisation of Indie Media” or “Why RvB is one of the most complicated/misunderstood/divisive shows in modern media” or “How Fandoms interpret and recontextualize media”

I’m going to guess that I likely won’t be able to post the finished paper up online without a solid buffer window to avoid the two mortifying scenarios that are (a) being accused of creative plagiarism and (b) having to tell my instructor that the tumblr account with a 100% match to my course final is, in fact, my tumblr account, are two things I desperately want to avoid.

However if I can, simply for the sake of contributing to the fandom and creating something for us to all contribute to and discuss and crediting various peoples’ help and input would be ideal and, if at all possible, that would be the end goal.

so yeah. if you’re up for it I’d love for you to dm me your thoughts or (more conveniently for the both of us) fill out this Google form down here!

*im not gonna, like, repost your detailed character analysis as my own or something. I’m just trying to find some good quotes, general opinions, and ideas from the fandom so that I can accurately represent them and do our little corner of the internet Justice. And also because the audience of a work is a massive factor in media analysis lmfao. and also to create a community sourced Fun Thing™️ we can all look at and bite the corners off of instead of watching Roosterteeth crash and burn in the backgroun

[cryptids-lobelia-garden]

OKAY here we are, all caught up! For now. I don’t have any buffer or anything really specific planned for the next few days. Wish me luck. So! This one is set probably like.. three-ish months? Into Volo getting pulled into the agency/under Eclipse’s wing? So yeah, Eclipse hasn’t done anything super serious yet, just messed with his head.

Warnings: ngl I have No Idea what to tag this one.

Whumpee having Issues, that are only being exacerbated by whumper, who isn’t hurting him physically quite yet but he sure isn’t good for Whumpee’s mental or emotional state. Emotional hurt no comfort I guess is what this is. You know when you look back at something really shitty you did and go “…oooohh no.” Yeah it’s that, that’s what this is

Anyway uh. I’m not super happy with how it turned out, this scene is supposed to come in between some other stuff whenever I actually pull everything together, BUT!!!! At least the first draft is written! So I can edit it and string it together with other stuff later!

But yeah, the context this needs is by this point, he’s aware that what he was trying (subjugate Arceus and rewrite history) was never going to work out, and he’s been a little aimless since then, not sure he has a purpose. And this is him kinda finding one!

(Poor guy has a traumatization arc at the same time as his redemption arc 😔 wish him luck he’s gonna need it)

Day 3: Shame

“GIRATINA!! STRIKE THEM DOWN!!!”

Volo sighs as he watches it play out. Again, again.

Four teenagers, twenty four Pokémon, and two gods; one present, one absent.

One teenager blinded by a dream of a world without suffering, the other three fighting for the right to exist.

Six Pokémon against eighteen, and then the playing field is leveled by the help of a god, but still the three teenagers won.

Three siblings, one angry, one upset, one cynical, watching as their flute changes into one that can summon Arceus, and one teenager, alone in the world, angry at the god he’d worshipped for abandoning him in every single time of need. Angry at the god who had helped him for failing.

He had lashed out, and now he was completely and utterly alone.

Three siblings finding their way back to the home they had protected while one teenager grieves the life he never got to live. Three siblings chasing their dreams and meeting their goals while one teenager is lost, stuck with nowhere else to go but away. But he can’t go away, because Hisui is his home. His broken, pain-filled home, full of the memories of his people.

They have everything, and he is left alone.

Three siblings growing up and becoming champions of their region, one teenager finding a strange device and traveling to another time.

To another dimension.

Would things have been different, had I not done all this? Would I have more than just myself, my Pokémon, and Eclipse to rely on?

He scrolls back in time.

Three siblings and one teenager meeting for the first time. A Pokémon battle, and two of the siblings became fast friends with the teenager.

And a few months later, he betrays them for nothing but a chance at a plan that never would have worked in the first place.

“GIRATINA!! STRIKE THEM DOWN!!!”

..He turns his holocomputer off and lays in bed, staring up at the ceiling.

..maybe Eclipse is right. I deserve to hurt for what I put those three through.

We were all teenagers, but I was older. They were 15. I was an adult. I should’ve known better- I tried to KILL them.

And my actions indirectly killed so many more..

He lets his eyes slip closed.

..I’m lucky I have Eclipse. At least he won’t hurt me, despite the fact that I deserve it. Not like so many of the others in this place would.

..I wonder if things would be different, had I called it all off.

I wish I could go back and stop it. But that would only create a paradox involving the Agency itself. It would only make everything worse, might actually break reality as a whole..

He rolls over, curling up on his side and hiding in the plush blankets.

..Maybe, if I hadn’t been born, the world would be better off.

Thousands dead, tens of thousands hurt, and SO MANY displaced throughout time and space.. All because of a dream that could never have worked.

I need to help them. It’s my fault they’re lost, after all.

I can’t bring back the dead.

But I can at least help the living.

[vitrious-simulacrum]

Deus Volt!

Release date: circa 2008 (original), 2022 (completed)

Based on: Marathon Infinity

**TRANSMISSION START**

Deus Volt! is a small (7 levels + 1 secret level) fan scenario by Synchronicity13 on simplici7y.com/Penultimatum on Discord, comparable to more bite-sized scenarios like Kill Them All! and Return To Marathon, but with sensitivities of more modern level design.

Taking place in the industral centre Ckuidt'kqe, of the Vylae homeworld, the SO is sent down there after the Pfhor have taken it and use it as an epicenter for their operations against humanity. However, Blake and his men decide to mount a counter-offense, only to be shot down and stuck with more sneaky tactics on land. Now, the Officer is going to lend a hand to this operation and learn what exactly the Pfhor are doing here.

Our Lord Debussy

To start with something, I must say that DV is a pretty scenario—it does a wonderful job using the standard MI textures to create subterranean caves, vibrant towers, mining operations and vagrant spaceships throughout its levels. There's also a great sense of build up throughout the scenario as you are taken deeper and deeper into Pfhor-controlled territory, leading to the centerpiece and probably my favorite levels in the scenario, Have Fun At War/Aren't We All Running?: a complete and total assault of the center Pfhor command on the taken Vylae citadel.

Two Minutes To Midnight

Over anything, Deus Volt focuses most in its combat, which unlike some of the more explorative or story-focused scenarios, wants you to be as aggressive as possible, deliberately pacing shield rechargers and pattern buffers such that it's better to run forward, shotgun wasting soldiers and Enforcers through a hallway to get to the next save, not scared of using precious ammo as it's most likely you'll find a munitions stash teleporting in.

If I had to put up a weak point for DV, it would be both its story and sometimes the ambiguity of some level goals (one of which is related to the secret level): while starting with Blake as your command, Durandal soon appears as you take upon the Pfhor command, eventually discovering that the teleporter in a closeby mine links to a Jjaro dreadnought with something great in its mainframe, something great enough that both Pfhor and human ships are beginning to appear.

Atom Heart Mother

Once you intrude deep into the mainframe and reactivate it, Durandal is quickly overwhelmed at whatever was awoken and cutoff entirely, revealing that the thing inside is... Leela. For fans, this might suggest this dreadnaught is actually the vessel where her remains were loaded that is mentioned on the M2 endscreen, one which was sold to the Vylae.

Reactivated, Leela decides to take you from Durandal to parts unknown... and that's that. While plot in shorter scenarios like this aren't really the focus, it does leave me wanting more. Perhaps that's a good thing, if you think about it, if there ever is a sequel to Deus Vult. Time shall tell. Oh, as for the other negative: some levels, especially those larger and a bit more sprawling, can be a bit vague on what you're supposed to do. My biggest one during my play was Two Minutes To Midnight, where I found myself stuck for a good couple of minutes because a door was textured in such a way that it didn't seem like a door.

But, beyond those two issues, Deus Volt is an excellent scenario for an afternoon or two. Short, with a wallop for combat nuts and sights for those with a slower pace.

**TRANSMISSION FINISHED** <Further Access Denied>

[borkthemork]

The Manned Robot Theory

So, I wanted to talk about a theory I had about what shall happen in Season Three, particularly my curiousity toward a specific robot we see in the opening.

This robot right here has been on my mind the moment the opening dropped, and I knew I had to make a post about it eventually. I had pondered, debated, and even discussed with people over this darn robot and why they’re supposedly important, and here’s what I ultimately think:

I believe that Marcy is going to control this robot. She is going to man this robot because Andrias needs Anne to fully power the music box, and she’s the right person to scout out Los Angeles for the invasion.

Not only will I explain why I believe this, but I’ll go extensively into why this robot specifically, and what its plot importance could be in the long run.

With that out of the way, let us begin!

Now, we have to start from somewhere, so I’m going to be talking about the bot’s supposed objective, and we could see it well through the character design of it.

The robot isn’t your regular variant that could be seen in True Colors. Not even Joe Sparrow’s examples had this type of flexible, monkey-esque design; there was one that looked more of a flying frog but other than that, we got nada on why it’s designed like this.

So let’s brainstorm. Here we have a robot that has extendable legs, can jump far, probably climb with how hook-like its claws are, it has a weird module on its chest (we’ll tackle that later), and yeah a lot of it screams out ape. It’s a very maneuverable variant that can fit through even spacial alley ways. You could see with the torso and limbs that it’s intended this way to explore and not lose sight of the target — if a big, bulky variant chased them then it would create an absolute mess while attempting to hunt them down.

Also note that Anne didn’t run through the same alleyway as the robot at first.

It implies that this robot had been on their tail, Anne tried to divert through another way, and then realized the robot was on their trail again. This robot is definitely fit for the job in the chasing department, but the big question here is why it’s chasing her specifically.

Back in True Colors and the opening itself, there is an implication that is very important to the status of the Newtopian castle, being that the castle itself is still intact and well.

The reason why I point this out is that if we follow this logic, then the music box hadn’t lost any of the girls’ calamity powers just like with their first teleport to Earth, because if the powers were truly drained then the castle would be rubble by now. And the Night is active in the basement, not dead at all.

With the music box, however, it’s shown that one can’t make a portal — a functional, stable portal — without the gems being fully charged.

So we know that the use of the music box to transport the Plantars didn’t drain the box of its powers. Anne still has the 25% she retained, and I get the feeling that her activating the powers gave enough time for Marcy to activate a portal before the connection between Anne and her gem fizzled out.

So Andrias has two full gems, but one incomplete.

How would Andrias start an invasion if all of his portals are weak and unstable all the time? That wouldn’t do.

Cue Marcy Wu being revived. Whether through theories of corruption, being manipulated, etc, Marcy is going to be coaxed into working with Andrias on getting Anne back. What would be the goal? I don’t really know for certain on Marcy’s end since anything can go regarding her fate, but for Andrias, it makes sense to use Marcy to scout and find Anne.

For one, Marcy has a better idea of what Earth looks like. Andrias hasn’t seen an active world since a millennium; if he only had one chance to grab Anne and bring her back, then he would need someone who would have plenty of knowledge of the landscape, and ultimately seek out where Anne could potentially be hiding.

This could give reason to some very specific designs on the robot in question, especially the blue node on the robot’s chest and the fin on its head.

With Joe Sparrow’s (and any other character designer’s) designs, one needs to note that this specific module is not on any of the other revealed robot designs.

Not these.

Not these.

Not even the basic robot got this module in mind.

It’s as if this robot is specifically designed for a purpose, and we know from Joe’s tweets that he has a lot more planned robot variations in the stack, meaning the writers already know where they’re going with the plot, and that Joe and his crew were assigned to specifically design the ape robot’s unique form.

So that blue knob? I’d like to believe that’s actually a camera for Marcy to help navigate or even become vocal toward the people she’s chasing.

And that buffer/horn on its head? There’s a potential it could be used for less friction while maneuvering, but it could also be an antenna too to keep the connection between the two worlds while Marcy navigates the area.

Even if Marcy isn’t able to nab Anne, this form of robot could survey the land for the upcoming invasion, map out the buildings of interest, and ultimately start the battle plans for how to take over the Los Angeles area first and foremost.

I would like to end this post with the probability of this writing-wise. Perhaps this robot is just some random robot. Maybe it’s just an example of the slow, encroaching havoc upon the world. But if the idea that this robot is the first encounter Anne and the Plantars experienced regarding Andrias getting ready for the invasion and is ultimately being chased down for her gem powers, then this event could also be important for two, extremely important things:

Showing how crucial Anne is to starting the invasion, and revealing to Anne that Marcy is still alive.

Let’s start with the latter first. Anne doesn’t know that Marcy survived the stabbing.

She believed that one of her best friends got stabbed in front of her very eyes, and before she could do anything she got whisked away to Earth, Sasha still stranded in the room with an enthusiastic conqueror to boot.

That’s a lot to take in for a teenager. She probably grieved over Sasha and Marcy, especially when she had the time to think about the betrayals and the events that lead up to this point. It’s going to be an utter wreck of a rollercoaster, and Anne just wants off this wild ride. Thankfully, that should be the case if the robot arrives on Earth.

To keep the tone of the series, one has to relieve the tension in some way, and having Anne be miserable for a prolonged amount of time doesn’t seem ordeal in keeping to the mood Amphibia currently established.

And making Anne create the connection that the one manning the robot is Marcy would be enough to give her hope.

Hope that she could save her, that Amphibia is not a million miles away.

However, there comes a catch with this. If Anne really is important in King Andrias’s plans to invade Los Angeles, then her wanting to get even closer to the truth of how to get back to Amphibia would lead to a lot of risk.

There will be robots trying their best to grab her, to make her activate the box’s powers to its full potential, and Anne’s wanting to return to the froggy world would become more dangerous than ever.

She could very well be the reason that Andrias ultimately seeps his way into the city.in full force.

And she’s probably still gonna take that shot.

[bookofmirth]

after rereading the series and finally finishing silver flames ( which i truly enjoyed, even when there were points which felt disappointing and a little incoherent ) i feel like i can finally pinpoint what is so jarring to me regarding this series. It just seems so disjointed, which becomes especially apparent after reading MaF and the immediately reading WaR.

We move from the first two novels of the series, which are coherent and clean, to WaR - which is hoenstly just a mess, something which was so blatant to me on the reread. during this time, it’s clear that sjm made several massive changes to link this book to the future spin offs, and also obviously changes her original plan to pair mor and azriel - which monumentally changes the way that the previous book is read, and the perception of their characters.

Even with FaS - setting up for cassian and nestas story, sjm completely changes direction between this release and silver flames. And all of that lead up with the Illyrian rebellions and cassians not being respected as a bastard, and his mission fighting for Illyrian female rights - amounts to absolutely nothing.

Don’t get me wrong, I really really enjoyed silver flames, and perhaps some of these ideas will crop up in azriels book and therefore won’t be wasted. But it just makes the series feel disjointed and leaves me at least, feeling unfulfilled.

Sjm is such a good author, in ToG the plot was expertly executed and when you reread the series, you can see hints and foreshadowing even back to book one. She knew exactly where she was going almost from the beginning, and each decision and plot point was used to create impact and build up to the ending. I don’t get that with acotar.

There is so so so much build, and almost no pay off - and I really got that sense in acosf, I loved it as a stand alone - but when we look at it through the perspective of the entire series, there were things which grated and a lot of things which I felt were built up to and nothing happened... Tomas, Cassians mother ( was so sure we would learn where she was buried at least ) the Illyrian rebellions and the Illyrians hatred and disrespect towards Cassian, Mor and Nestas relationship, CASSIAN AND MORS RELATIONSHIP ( I understand that the mor situation will be something which is focused upon primarily in azriels book, or hopefully her own, however their relationship involves Cassian as much as them both and I really wish Cassian had actually confronted the part he played in that whole situation - a part he played for 500 (!!!!) years. It’s a role which he was unable to relinquish in ACOWAR, and actively rejects Nesta to act as a buffer multiple times, seeing it as an obligation almost - and then in SF, pays it no attention at all. Feyre and Nestas relationship also isn’t really touched upon, as if that final act healed everything - what about that interrupted conversation in the library, when Nesta was cut off ? Why Nesta always favoured Elain, even Amren and Nesta - we still don’t really know what happened there... argh there’s just so much potential and so much set up, and it just seems forgotten about ? It makes the book seem disjointed and a bit of a let down.

Yesss I totally get what you mean here. ToG is honestly the superior series, and it’s because it has the cohesion that acotar doesn’t. Everything feels like it’s meant to be there, each character, each worldbuilding detail, their histories, everything just comes together in a wonderful way that just wrecked me when EoS came out and then was resolved perfectly in KoA.

Compared to that, acotar feels like sjm is figuring things out along the way and it is seriously driving me nuts. I’ve had multiple conversations with other people in Discords and they’ve said similar things. acotar at this point feels like sjm is just coming up with random ass ideas and throwing them in. No book in the series feels more like that than acowar. And it was that point where we knew that there would be more books, right? So combined with the fact that she pounded that book out and it got rather half-assed editing, you’re probably right that a lot of things were changed in order to set up the other books, even though it didn’t make sense with what she’d written before. 

I agree with you re: Mor and Az, and I feel like I’ve been seeing more people say that lately? That there is a feeling that they actually were supposed to be together and she changed her mind? I wrote a bunch of fics for them back in the day and they’ve gotten a bit more attention lately. But once acowar came out I was like, I’m gonna reread, and I’m gonna find all the clues, I’m gonna see where all this build-up was, and.... considering how often people say that sjm is so “good” at foreshadowing, I’m sorry, but not in this series. In ToG, yes, because she had a clear goal at the end! She knew where she was going and she stayed on that path. In acotar, idfk. Anyway my point is that I’ve reread the series a couple of times through since acowar came out and I’m still over here shrugging because up until that point, Mor and Az could be read in completely opposite ways. (Maybe it’s an Azriel thing, given the current discourse, idk.)

I will say, however, that we had clues that there was tension between them and I had noted that Az is quiet troubled and even pre-acomaf, I would not have been surprised by his extra in acosf. But all of that could have been addressed with Mor and Az still being together? We all had plenty of explanations at the time for the tension, and Mor being queer was like 1 of 100 of those explanations. 

If we look at Mor’s character through the books we have so far, I still see almost zero signs that she’s queer except for her literally saying “I like women and Rita’s has a lot of women and here’s my gay story”. Other than that, there is like..... nothing that feels organically queer about her!!! And I love her and I want her to be gay af!!!! But I wonder if my forgiveness of how acowar went down was more about my personal reaction than how well the story was actually done.

And the fact that, like you said, there is still no resolution to the fact that Cassian is supposedly a buffer between Mor and Azriel? Like???? We were all sitting here after acowar thinking “okay, well if she’s gay then someone knows. Someone has to know. She can’t just be gay and NO ONE WHO LOVES HER KNOWS.” 

Then in comes acosf with a big “fuck you, y’all thought” which just.... to me, it signals that her queerness was an afterthought. It’s still an afterthought because her queerness is limited to Mor and women blushing at her and Mor has her corner of the world in which she can be gay, but that gay never spills out into any other aspect of her life. It’s just conveniently isolated so that it doesn’t touch or affect other characters. 

In terms of continuity, acowar was such a huge shifting point in the series that people left in droves. It was a huge mess in the fandom. And then acofas was just fluff with no real point in pushing the story forward - even the Nesta stuff was a sneak peek, it had nothing to do with acofas itself. And now acosf comes in ignoring things she had set up previously, with almost zero nuanced discussion of the Cassian/Azriel/Mor thing, which means she still (?) doesn’t know what’s going on there. And I think that we did get some answers with Nesta’s reflection on her relationship with her mother, but the deal with the Illyrian rebellion was just in the way so let’s nix that, and then let’s focus on Eris (🤮) just because she feels like it even though she’s set up all these other characters whose stories need more. (Much like acowar, this paragraph is a MESS LOL)

And yes I KNOW that the series isn’t over, clearly, but she keeps setting things up and then letting them go nowhere, or making them seem important and then resolving them off-page, or changing character relationships (Mor and Az) but then having the characters involved act exactly the same, as if nothing had changed (by having the “buffer” situation still exist as a real thing).

I did enjoy the book, a lot, it was a fun read. But tbh we have so many arguments and disagreements within the fandom rn because things have been so left open to interpretation that we it’s not even a matter of “oh I saw this slightly differently”, it’s “WHAT book did these people even read???” That’s kinda weird, to me. There is reader response, and then there is what we have now, which is people having absolute opposite reactions to what they think happened in acosf. 

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

Re: Star Wars prequel novelizations - the Revenge of the Sith book is genuinely one of the best things I have ever read and changed my life.

THANK YOU, anon, for reminding me about the Revenge of the Sith novelization.  I just reread it, and my crops are watered, my skin is clear, and — I cannot overstate this — I actually remember why I love Star Wars.  That love has been for too long stolen by The Fandom Menace sucking the life out of those movies to invent a new definition of suffering while digesting them slowly over a thousand years.

Revenge of the Sith by Matthew Stover is one of the greatest works of adventure fiction I have ever read, and it continues to inspire the way I write action sequences and character conflicts.  It does so damn much to transform a movie that is, to be honest, just okay.  There are a couple of big additions from the novel that make the whole Skywalker saga richer, and there are about five hundred little tweaks that deepen the lore in a way that shows that Stover loves Star Wars to the core.

First big addition: having Obi-Wan tell Padmé that he’s in love with Anakin. This is great because yay, queer representation!  But within the specific context of RotS, it also sets up the super-important contrast between Obi-Wan and Anakin.  Obi-Wan, Stover’s novel makes clear, is the quiet and unassuming embodiment of everything a Jedi is supposed to be: he’s selfless, loving, hard-working, and incredibly skilled with the Force.  Obi-Wan falls in love with Anakin, realizes that Anakin doesn’t love him back in that way, and... lives with it.  He spends time with Anakin, supports Anakin, enjoys Anakin’s company, and doesn’t act like the world will end if Anakin isn’t his.

Anakin loves Obi-Wan, in a siblinglike way, and he loves Padmé.  But he’s got a nasty habit of expressing that love through possession and control, through going behind Padmé’s back to “fix” her life without her permission.  Anakin falls in love with Padmé and immediately concludes that he cannot possibly live like this: they must begin a secret relationship, and he must both marry her and remain a Jedi.  Later he destroys the Jedi and eventually Padmé herself because he sees himself as having no way out of that dilemma.

And all the while, Obi-Wan is there in the background.  Also in love with someone with whom he cannot have a relationship, and just… dealing with it like an adult.  Because millions of people are in love with people who don’t love them back, and that’s just how it is sometimes.  It’s selfish to obsess over “having” their love at all costs.  For Anakin, that obsession with saving Obi-Wan and Padmé eventually leads to him killing them both.

When Yoda tells Anakin that he must deal with his fear of losing Padmé through letting go, Anakin takes this to mean “let her die.”  But what Yoda means is not “let her die,” but rather “love her the way Obi-Wan loves you: quietly, selflessly, and with a willingness to do what’s best for her, whether or not that means you get to have her.”  And Anakin never understands that, because Anakin’s view of the world is so intensely egocentric.

Second big addition: updating the Force to explain the Dark Side. Revenge of the Sith, even more so than any other Star Wars, is all about the contrast between the Dark Side and the Light Side.  Here, Stover’s contribution is brilliant; he makes the Dark Side egocentric and the Light allocentric.

Terminology! “Egocentric” in psych refers to the perspective that focuses on how the world affects you and how you affect the world.  At the extreme, egocentric thinking can be believing that a baby is crying in a deliberate effort to annoy you, or that every person in a crowded cafeteria will remember what shirt you wore when you ate there a week ago.  “Allocentric” refers to the perspective that the self is one of several disparate elements buffered around by the world.  At the extreme, allocentric thinking can be failing to realize that others are reacting to your presence, or viewing your own life as one thing you can give to help others.

Stover doesn’t use those terms, but he does describe how Dooku “drew power into his innermost being until the Force itself existed only to serve his will” (p. 64).  Later, Obi-Wan “gave himself to the living Force… the Force moved him, let him collapse as though he’d suddenly fainted, then it brought his lightsaber from his belt to his hand” (p. 285).  Dooku ultimately loses his fight against Anakin because he focuses on how everyone is responding to him, and misses that Anakin and Palpatine are beginning to build an alternate alliance right under his nose.  Obi-Wan ultimately wins his fight against Anakin because he allows the Force to shove him around, and sets aside his concern with both his own life and that of his best friend while fighting for the greater goal of peace.

Not only that, but Obi-Wan’s understanding of the Force moves beyond that of most Jedi.  He compares “the will of the Force” to “the will of gravity,” in essence stating that simply because it is beyond human comprehension doesn’t mean it doesn’t have its own rules.  One can be a Jedi without needing to understand the Force in the same way one can be a pilot without needing to be a physicist.  In RotS, we see that his refrain of “search your feelings” is a way of calling on a Force user to be mindful enough to accept realities that are already evident, if one can only allow oneself to have that knowledge.

Stover also uses these competing perspectives — allocentric and egocentric — to explain why the Jedi Order falls.  The tight control the Order exerts over the Jedi moves them away from the will of the Force and toward the will of the Council.  Its insularity creates a sense of superiority, which is the reason so many Jedi fail to see their clone troopers as threats until it’s too late. Stover tweaks the Jedi Purge scene to emphasize that the only reason Obi-Wan and Yoda survive is because of their selflessness.  Obi-Wan takes the time to befriend his alien mount, repeatedly confirming her well-being, and then she shields him with her body when his troopers open fire.  Yoda respects the Wookie command and puts himself in a position to assist rather than lead the resistance movement on Kashyyyk, meaning that when a fight breaks out between him and his troopers the Wookies don’t hesitate to side with him.  Yoda and Obi-Wan are the only two Jedi who truly give themselves to the service of others, and thus they are the only two to survive the Purge.

...and the million little favors this book does for the movie.

During the opening battle, having Obi-Wan tell Anakin to “use the Force” to fly a narrow trench and having Anakin roll his eyes at such an obvious suggestion.  It’s a callback to A New Hope, but one that drives home how much more the Force is integrated in the lives of Old Republic Jedi than it is in the lives of Imperial kids like Luke.

Fixing the minor continuity error from Episode III to Episode IV — why would Admiral Motti dismiss Vader as following outdated superstitions if there were millions of Jedi within his lifetime? — by explicitly stating that the Sith are considered a dead culture.  Ergo, Vader’s “ancient religion” isn’t the Force in general; it’s specifically the Sith creed.

Making Palpatine scarier and more seductive than he is in the movie.  Stover’s rhetoric about killing even the Jedi children is frighteningly rational and coherent, and he uses it to give Palpatine some stomach-churning speeches while corrupting Anakin.

Using the novel format for all it’s worth.  Stover skims over the physical-comedy elevator sequence in favor of having Dooku and Palpatine discussing their plans for the war.  He only tells us about Anakin’s conversation with Yoda after the fact, in scattered flashes as a panicking Anakin runs through the halls of the Jedi temple.  He gives us intense focus on Anakin’s mindset while trying to land the broken halves of Invisible Hand, less on what the ship itself is doing.  He cuts away from Anakin and Obi-Wan’s final battle, toward R2D2 and C3PO as they struggle to drag a dying Padmé into her ship out of a desperation to find some small way to help her.

Revealing that Palpatine spends the entire story trying to kill Obi-Wan.  This gets hinted at in the movie, but Stover includes several moments throughout Palpatine’s “rescue” from Dooku when Palpatine sets Obi-Wan up to die, and mentions like eight other attempts on Obi-Wan’s life as orchestrated by Palpatine.  It’s a great character addition, that Palpatine assumes he cannot get Anakin to fall unless he first eliminates Obi-Wan.

Expanding Padmé’s role in the movie (set dressing, and later refrigerator filling) by having her secretly organize and launch the Rebel Alliance right under Vader and Palpatine’s noses.

Those are just examples of how Stover clearly knows the Force, gets the Force, and strives to make the Force more internally coherent.  How he sometimes translates, sometimes preserves, and always improves the pacing and tone of the film.

I haven’t even touched on the FUCKING AMAZEBALLS imagery or introspection in the book yet, but this post is getting wicked long, so I’ll go ahead and leave it here for now.  Point is, all y’all should go out immediately and get a copy from your library and/or used bookstore, because Nonny is right and it’ll change your life.

[pearl-blue-musings]

CAN I ORDER A MEDIUM WELL STEAK WITH FRENCH FRIES AND GREEN BEANS? WITH SOY SAUCE(sero)?? (ur sero angst made me tear up)

Hi yes of course I’m so sorry that angst made you cry 😭 but hopefully this will change those sad tears to happy tears!

To others with requests I’ll get to those! I wanted to do something not sex related cause that’s what most of the requests are 😅

Pairing: Sero Hanta x fem!reader there was just no way

Enjoy your meal~

~~~~~~~~~~~

Sero Hanta. Two semesters away from being a college graduate and applying his techniques from all his schooling into his pro hero work: soulmate-less. 

He remembers turning ten years old and seeing the magical red string on his pinky show up one day. The excitement he had at knowing he had a soulmate outmatched most of his friends at the time. He knew from his parents that little tugs on his pinky meant he and his soulmate were nearby and the tugs would increase, not to the point of pain, when they would finally meet.

He felt the first tug on his pinky a week or so after he got his string, telling him that there was indeed someone on the other end. But he never felt a tug after that. Sero didn’t let that shake him as he entered high school at UA. 

However, it did start to bother him greatly.

One by one, it seemed that almost everyone he met in his three years there found their soulmate in someway or another. Whether it was in class, at a festival, at an internship, or even on the job. Everyone had someone. Except him. 

Never him.

So by the time Hanta had turned 18, he had given up on his soulmate; the defeating blow coming after doing some late night pre-graduation research. 

Some people don’t even meet their soulmate

Sometimes if there hasn’t been any tugging for awhile, their soulmate could be dead and the string fades away.

Sometimes soulmates aren’t romantic and the person on the other side meets someone who isn’t their soulmate; very rare but it does happen.

He wanted to vomit. There’s no way they’re dead otherwise his string would have faded. But it might as well be that considering the odds of him meeting anyone new.  Sero exhales deeply as he shuts off his laptop and goes to bed. 

Although, there was a slight spark of hope in him when he decided to pursue his hero studies further before becoming a full fledged hero by applying to a hero university. However with his luck, it seems entirely unlikely. 

He slams his pillow over his head and tries to sleep away the sinking feeling at still feeling nothing on his pinky

***********

(Y/f/n). New hero law student at one of the best hero universities in the world and finished her undergrad early at the top of her class: soulmate-less.

She can remember the moment when she turned ten and that mysterious red string appeared on her pinky, feeling an immediate tug. It made her heart soar at the possibility of finding a love like her parents. However, her parents’ story wasn’t usual in the world of soulmates. 

Her mother’s original soulmate had died in a strange accident and she thought she would never love again. But then a couple months later a new purple string showed up and she found (Y/n)’s father. An unusual story but a lovely story nonetheless. She feared that her soulmate would die and she would have to suffer the same fate as her mother.

But no such color appeared, and tugs on her pinky were all but non existent. 

It was depressing for the budding young hero lawyer, but she knew what her goal in life was and that was to help heroes and civilians alike under the law. It’s not that she didn’t want to become a hero, but being a human lie detector she felt her quirk could be used to better society and help out the good people and put away the bad.

That’s why she knew she had to go to Japan, soulmate be damned! 

She knew of All Might, the notorious school U.A. and their students, along with the infamous League of Villains. Nothing like that happened where she was from so everything about that intrigued her. So naturally when applying to finish out her law degree, of course she’d choose a place where all the action was! She couldn’t wait to get her hands dirty. 

***********

With his final class of the day ending in the early afternoon, Sero left the lecture hall and went directly to the hero agency he’s been part timing at. Since he was still a college student, he couldn’t commit fully to being a hero so he took whatever patrol hours he could on top of the work he did (and don’t forget those smoke sessions to take off the load from school). He’s met with one of best friends from school, Kirishima, who also works at this agency established by his other best friend, Bakugou.

“You’re late, soy sauce face.”

“Sorry dude,” Sero chuckles, “couldn’t get on the early bus here.”

“Yeah yeah. Just get ready for patrol with Shitty Hair.” The ashy blond scoffs and walks off, returning to a phone call he was having.  Sero rolls his eyes as he heads to the locker room to change into his hero uniform, ignoring the twitching of his fingers. It’s still so weird how some people do and don’t recognize him at school as Cellophane. But that’s the way it has to be.

“Hey man, I don’t know if Bakugou told you this but we’re getting someone new.”

Sero pauses in putting on his hero outfit to look at the taller and buffer male. “Oh really? Another sidekick?”

“Actually no,” Kirishima beams, “some kind of lawyer type. It was decided after some hero managers and publicists were talking and the need for a hero lawyer, even one in training, would be good for us.”

“I totally get it,” Sero agrees, “considering Bakugou’s temper? Not surprised at all.” He finishes getting dressed and places his belongings in his locker. “So when are we meeting the unlucky bastard that has to look after us?”

“Either today or tomorrow. Either way, I think it’ll be great. You studied some hero law stuff, yeah?” Sero nods and the two men head out for patrol. “Maybe you two can talk and have something in common! You may never know.”

They turn the corner and begin on their way. “I appreciate you looking out for me, but I’m okay not having to meet my soulmate. I’ll just be single forever. It’s all good.” His fingers start to burn in a weird way but he shrugs it off.

The red head grunts, unconvinced. “Sure man. Whatever you say. Let’s hope patrol is relatively quiet, yeah?”

“Heh, when is it ever?”

*******

After getting settled into the apartment, you had gathered your belongings and hurriedly made your way to the nearest bus stop. You had your first meeting with the new agency you would be working at for hands on experience with hero law. It wasn’t necessary for your degree, but when you saw the opportunity arise, you grabbed it. 

Once aboard the bus, you sit down by the window and mentally go through your bag. You have your school credentials, any and all letters of recommendation, your resume and CV, plus a good head shot should they need it. You are on your way to meeting one of the rising heroes of Japan, Dynamight, at his agency. Since it’s a relatively popular agency filled with well known heroes, it makes sense that someone like you would be needed. You had wondered why they didn’t have someone who was already a certified and bar-passed lawyer, but you’re not going to complain. 

The bus ride went along pleasantly, not really looking at the people around you and focusing more on how to sell yourself to your upcoming clients. You’ve met with your advisor and she is letting you work with her firm via the hero agency. You’re pretty excited to say the least. However, the whole time you’ve been in Japan, a little over a week, you’ve been feeling that pull on your pinky.

Not wanting that to ruin your mood, or your bus ride, you ignore it and think it’s one of those rare phenomena where it’s moving wildly on its own. You’re so caught up in your thoughts that you hadn’t realized the bus had stopped moving and the passengers were all sitting closer to you. 

The poor bus driver shakes in fear and the two villains that have entered the bus, striking fear into the passengers. You spot the supposed leader who’s yelling into someone’s face when you gather your courage and stand up.

“Hey! Leave them alone, they’re not doing anything to you!”

Your loud voice caught the attention of the villains, one whose quirk has some sort of telekinesis as you feel your body being unknowingly brought toward the front of the bus.

The man has his face up close to yours and you can smell the nicotine on his breath, making you cough. “You got something to say to me little girl?” His cohort comes over to inspect you carefully, noting the money and jewelry they’ve already procured and you eye them sharply.

You cough in his face and continue, “yeah I do. What makes you think you can just come up in here and harass us?” You motion your back hand to the scared passengers to leave, remembering the doors in the back. You also didn’t know that the bus driver had already pinged for help from the nearby agency, alerting its patrolling heroes.

****** 

Both Sero and Kirishima feel their phones buzz with an alert. They look to each other and start heading toward the coordinates provided. There was a bit more sense of urgency to this for some reason that Sero can’t quite place. 

The closer they get, they see some fleeing civilians. Kirishima stops one and politely asks her what’s happened. 

“These two villains jumped on the bus and hurt the bus driver! They were stealing things until this young woman stood up to them. She told us all to leave but I’m not sure what’s happened to her!”

The two heroes nod and follow the direction of where the lady pointed. They run off toward it and stop a block away to assess the situation. Only a handful of cops are around as it has quickly turned into a hostage situation. The woman earlier was right, and that makes Sero’s heart race in fear. 

“I can sneak up to the side of the bus, head toward the back to check for an entrance.”

Kirishima hums and adds, “right, I can attack from the front, provide a distraction and if necessary close combat.” He breathes to collect himself, knowing they’ve done this a thousand times over. “Let’s do it.”

Sero nods and leaps into position. He takes his place on the side of the bus without alerting the villains or the hostage. The cool metal of the bus helps him to clear his mind and think carefully. His nerves must be getting to him because his fingers, more like his pinky, can’t stop twitching. He’s done this before, so why is this time different.

He almost gives up his position when he hears your voice.

“You’re just some low life petty criminals. I’m not too worried about you two.”

There it is. That little tell when you know you’ve got someone in your clutches. The mind based one seemed to falter and you knew he was going to act out in anger. And you were betting on it.

“Shut up stupid woman. You think I won’t do something to hurt you? Take you down a peg, huh? Because you look like you need to be tamed.”

Your time practicing cross-examining is paying off because that last statement terrified you. Villains are shameless and you know they’d have no problem defiling you in front of the police here; plus you were interrogating him. It got the people out and if you die saving some people then it would have all been worth it.

The two young heroes listening for the right moment give each other a look and both move in to do their parts. The loud red head getting the attention of the villains using his charm and personality to distract them while Sero sneaks into the bus, light on his feet to avoid detection.

Something in you sends shivers down your spine because you don’t even have to see him to know that he’s there. You, almost on instinct, duck down in order for Cellophane to apprehend both criminals and for Red Riot to keep them face down on the floor. You feel tape being wrapped around you and pulled toward the back, but the sensation should’ve come from your waist, not your pinky.

“Are you okay? That was extremely brave standing up to those guys and getting everyone out.”

His voice was unexpected but it drew you in, almost like it’s something you’ve been waiting for your whole life. The hero in question looks down at you and you feel him flinch. He takes off his helmet to get a good look at you and the moment seems to go on forever.

It’s not until you look down at your pinky’s is when it finally hits the two of you.

You had met the other end of your soulmate line. And there he is. His eyes go wide and you immediately get lost in their shape and shade. Is this the feeling your mother described when first meeting your soulmate? Magical? Indescribable? Gosh what is he feeling?

“You, you’re....”

“My soulmate...” you finish.

Sero hadn’t realized that he still had you wrapped in his tape from rescuing you but he doesn’t want to let you go. He spots the tears falling from your eyes and gently places his hand against your cheek and wipes them away. It’s like his hand was made for holding your face and he doesn’t want to let go. He wants to keep holding you like this because for so long, he had resided to being single but, you’re here and you’re real.

“Yo Cellophane, put your helmet on we’ve gotta talk to the police and- oh my god no way.”

The two of you are interrupted by Red Riot who had returned to check on his friend after he hadn’t come out with you, the hostage, yet. The two of you look to the buff man and then back at each other, and cute and embarrassed chuckle leaving your lips.

“I guess we should leave, I have to give a statement and all.”

“And get your injuries checked. Sorry if I pulled you too hard.”

“No no it’s fine! Uh, what’s your name?”

“Ah, uh, Cellophane. But my friends, and now you my soulmate mi amor, can call me Sero Hanta.”

He kisses your hand then and if you were in a courtroom you would’ve lost the case at the way your composure is failing you. It takes everything in you to not faint, because everything you had read was true about the first time you meet your soulmate. Out of this world. 

You’re brought back to reality, when a police officer comes in asking what the hold up was. You two were forced apart and Hanta reapplied his helmet. Even with it on, he can’t stop looking at you. And now that his soulmate is finally within arms reach he doesn’t plan on letting you go.

The four of you, including Red Riot and the cop, walk out of the bus. The cop directs his attention to you and gruffly asks. “So what were you doing on the bus? Why did you stand up for those civilians when you aren’t a hero?”

You looked at him incredulously. You understand he’s doing his job but what kind of question is that? “I was on my way to a meeting at Dynamight’s agency. I was preparing my reading notes as their knew hero lawyer and representative and I saw this happening! How was I supposed to stay back and do nothing?”

As the cop writes down some of your statement, the other two accompanying you are dumbstruck. “Wait, Kiri starts, “you’re our new lawyer?!”

Your eyes widen when you put two and two together. “No way, you work for him?”

Sero lights up, “work for him? We’ve been best friends since our days at U.A.! Who would’ve thought I would meet you today huh?”

You turn to him again, still shocked at the mere audacity of meeting your soulmate today, or ever. Stuck in a war with yourself, you reach out and tangle your fingers with his, just to have his touch once more. “I had given up on finding my soulmate,” you softly admit, afraid to meet his eyes.

He takes his helmet off again, away from prying eyes and focuses his attention on you. “So did I, corazon.” He had placed a hand onto your cheek like earlier and rubbed comforting circles on your soft skin. You hadn’t realized how close the two of you had gotten until he whispers, “May I?”

You nod, and gently lean into his kiss. If meeting each other was the appetizer, then kissing for the first time was like a meal and dessert. It was so chaste, yet so filled with emotions locked away that are now begging to be overflowed into the light. You two pull away, looks of awe and maybe love adorn you faces as you attempt to lean in again.

“I hate to break up the love fest,” Kirishima interrupts looking bashful. “But we’ve got some paperwork to fill out and all that so, we gotta go. And hey, we can take you to the agency after we’re done at the station, I’m sure Dynamight’s eager to meet you.”

Despite everything that had been happening, you had completely forgotten about your meeting, and hurry to call your new employer. You’re on the phone for only a couple minutes, but it gives Kirishima and Sero time to talk.

“So, who would’ve guessed you finally meet your soulmate today huh?”

“Yeah.”

“And I was right there too!”

“Si.”

“Are you listening to me?”

Hanta was listening, but was too busy looking at you and already thinking that he can’t wait to fall in love with you.

~~~~~~~~~~~

[petals42]

hello! whenever you get a chance, i'd love to hear your thoughts/advice on attempting longfic and following through on longfic. hope you're having a great day!

Hello! Of course, I’d be happy to offer my advice, such as it is.

1. Don’t think of it as writing longfic.

You can really psych yourself out if you declare that you are setting out to write a longfic or even if you are setting a goal of trying to hit a certain word count (or range of words). Just tell yourself you are going to write the story you want to write; write the words you need to tell the story. Every longfic I’ve written has lowkey been an accident; otherwise I freak myself out and don’t write them. Also not worrying about word count avoids falling into the trap of unnaturally “stretching out” scenes or adding unncessary scenes that will actually only slow down/hurt your story in the long run.

2. Write chronologically.

This might just be me, but it is one of my golden rules. Usually the scenes I really want to get to are in the middle/towards the end (aka like... the climax). If I skipped ahead and wrote them, there’s no way all the harder opening scenes would get done. So I am very strict with myself. Sometimes I will write like a line of dialogue that comes later if I really don’t want to forget it, but I try not to. And I find it easier to weave in foreshadowing and realistic character development if I’m writing in order.

3. Keep track of scenes you want to write so you don’t forget them.

This is going to be very based on your preferences; I am not a planner or outliner. But I do generally have a bullet point list of scenes that need to happen in a rough order. I sometimes do not actually follow it and scenes usually get added (a lot of scenes get added tbh. like HUGE chunks of my fics are just on the fly ideas, you would not believe) but it’s helpful to know where you are going. (If you are someone who likes to outline and plan, let me know. Some writers have done amazing how-to-outline posts. I just am not organized. Even the one outline I have is just rough bullet points that rarely gets followed).

4. Stop writing mid-scene instead of at the end of scenes. 

This helps me get back into it the next day/next time I have an opportunity to write. At times I’ve even gone midsentence if I am pretty sure I will remember how that sentence is supposed to end. 

5. When you start writing, re-read at least a chunk of what you wrote the day before.

Like #4, it just helps me get back in the mood.

6. Go ahead, post that WIP.

I know some authors do not want to do this and some readers hate this, but I like to start posting WIPs when I am about 3-4 chapters ahead. Like I will post Chapter 1, when I am writing Chapter 4. Since I tend towards longer chapters (7-10k), this is a decent chunk. For me, that is a big enough buffer that I won’t feel pressured to write and I should be able to update roughly once a week, but I will (hopefully) get the encouragement and excitement from kudos/comments to get me through some of the slog of a longfic. And, hey, if life happens and you don’t finish it, you still gave them half a great fic. No pressure either way.

7. Stop reading fic - use that time for writing! Also, it’s bad for your confidence.

I have to cut myself off from reading fic when I’m writing especially fic that is in the same fandom. I literally just fell into this trap. I wrote 2k of an old guard fic in a setting, decided to give myself a break to read some fic, and then I was like “ah shit this is good I don’t need to write mine urgh mine cannot live up to this. i hate it and don’t even know where i was going” and I literally have not written since. All because I broke my own rule! Don’t do it! Just stay away from the fandom you are writing in!

8. Take your time and have fun, but be consistent.

This, again, may just be me. But if I’m going to do a longer fic, I have to commit. Generally, my fics stall out if I’m going more than 7 days between writing sessions. At that point, it’s a sign the story isn’t on my mind that much and that makes every writing session harder to get back in that mindset. Obviously, life happens, but if you find yourself going weeks between writing at all, it’s going to be harder. See what you can do to make a system where you writing (at least a little) as often as possible.

9. Be chill with smaller writing sessions.

You don’t have to write an entire scene or chapter in a day! It’s still a win if you can sneak on before bed and add at least a few lines. I am literally trying to reteach myself this rule right now because I’m putting too much pressure on myself to write big chunks and thus “only bothering” to start writing when I know I have an hour or two to do so and I need to stop! So putting this on for you, but also for me.

Well, I was going to try to get to an even ten, but this is all I got. Also, thank you for sending me this ask. Not only is it an honor to be asked, but as I am starting to try to write a fic that I think will be longer for the first time in a while, these were pieces of advice that I really needed to remind myself!

Hope you have a good one! :)

[fountainpenguin]

It’s an Update

Hello, Riddle here! I know I’ve been pretty quiet on Tumblr lately. Here’s an update on my situation:

I will definitely post more fanfic updates soon. I’ve picked at drafts, but haven’t posted anything lately. Here are the reasons why:

I got a new IRL job. It’s a good fit for me, but I have less free time than I used to, of course. It’s a job that involves writing lots of articles on a variety of topics, and I enjoy how every day is a little different

Most of my free time for the last year has gone towards my mod work at the Creature-Crossing ARPG, and to my personal CC writing. I’ve been working on new activities over there (my recent favorite being our seasonal familiar shows... I won first place in the summer show!) and I have a lot of plot plans that are coming together now. If you ever want to see my original characters and read my CC writing, you can find my character directory HERE and my Table of Contents HERE.

Once November 1st hits, I won’t be preparing for the release of any more CC activities or events. All future activity or event releases will be overseen by the other mods, and I’ll simply be someone they can ask for extra help if needed. This is a big change for a mod who spent the last 12 months working on new releases, and will give me back some of the free time my IRL job will eat

The Creature-Crossing admin (my boss) greenlit my request to bring an assistant on the mod team who will specifically help me with a lot of my behind-the-scenes work, such as data entry and organization. I’ve never had another mod who specifically helps me with the back end duties before, so that will be awesome. I will need to spend some time training them, but once they are official, that will take some of my workload off and allow me more free time for this blog and personal writing time.

===

Fanfic updates you can expect to see soon:

- Reedfilter Rules

- Frayed Knots

- Origin of the Pixies

- Debut of Factor It In, my Kid Math-centric “WordGirl” fanfic (Subtitled “Tales of a third-grade superhero in training”)... Yes I am still in love with this idiot boy, expect lots of doodle pages soon

- The 130 Prompts project is on a slow-burn writing schedule... I’ll write for it when I want to, but I mostly want to focus on Origin and Knots this year.

Further info below the cut. There is more info about non-Fairly OddParents ‘fics in here too (under “non-FOP fanfics”), so if you’re looking forward to Mario World or “WordGirl” ‘fics from me, give this a click so you know what’s coming!

So, what does this update mean for your fanfics?

They’ll be active again soon! I’ve been picking at them behind the scenes, trying to build up a buffer. In an ideal world, I would love to release a new chapter for SOMETHING every Friday. I doubt this will be possible, but it’s something I would love to work towards in the future. Realistically, you can probably expect some kind of fanfic update once every two Fridays (two updates per month).

There might be some Fridays where posting an update is not possible. Instead, I’ll make a post about what progress I made instead. In the past, I often overworked myself to get a chapter out in time for my old deadline. I will not be doing that anymore, but will instead hold myself to a goal of “Make progress on something every week.”

In the best ideal world, I would love to post one FOP fanfic update per week and one non-FOP fanfic update per week. This is not likely to happen for a long, long time, but that would be the dream.

-

Here are the things I most likely worked on if there is no fanfic update:

- A fanfic chapter draft that needs more time

- A sideblog profile

- A Toyhouse profile for personal characters

- IRL work or mod work may have kept me busy this week

- Creature-Crossing writing... I will try to prioritize my fanfics more, but my CC writing is still important to me and I will be working on it in a lot of my free time too. At the moment, I have a hard deadline of December 14th that I need to meet if I want to release huge plot drama on the day that it happens in canon. I’ve been building up to this for a long time, so I’m really excited about that.

I currently have summer or autumn 2022 planned as the “finale” for the majority of my plot to explode. I will be hosting a member-run event in Creature-Crossing that will last for two months, so a lot of my time from January until the event’s release will be spent doing event prep. Once the event ends, my story content will mostly be a “return to slice of life.” Stories will be more casual one-offs as characters grow, live their lives, and start their own families. Hitting seasonal deadlines for plot will no longer be so important. I’ll be giving Creature-Crossing work less attention after that, and much more attention to my fanfics.

- I may not have a fanfic chapter out each week, but I WILL post a note every Friday to let you know what I have been doing with my time. You’ll see me around. Feel free to send Asks and talk!

===

What non-FOP fanfics would you like to work on?

For literal years, I’ve been claiming I want to post Mario World fanfics. This is still something I want to do. I tag Mario World posts as “mushrooms and more.” I’ve already done a lot of worldbuilding, I have thousands of words of content written for this fandom... I just haven’t posted any of it. I hope to do this soon.

- “WordGirl” fanfics are prioritized over Mario World fanfics. After I finish my first “WordGirl” multi-chapter, I will probably be ready to post my Mario World ‘fics. I may possibly post some Mario World one-shots in between other fanfic updates. Might take another year or more before I touch Mario stuff unless there’s high interest in seeing it sooner?

I also really want to write some WordGirl ‘fics and get more involved with the fandom community. I’ve been building headcanons and lore for this show ever since I was a kid, and I have multiple ‘fics for this fandom that I want to write.

- “AlgoRhythm” is a ‘fic I have already posted on FFN and AO3, about WordGirl introducing Kid Math to the villains in town

- 28 Cities is a ‘fic I started about Rhyme and Reason before they arrived in Fair City. I put it on hiatus since it didn’t seem like anyone was interested, but I’m willing to post more for it if there is interest in it now that years have passed and I’ve gotten more followers who like WordGirl. I have a lot of worldbuilding and plot I never shared for it

- Factor It In is a ‘fic I’ve been working for a while that parallels the official show from the moment Kid Math arrives in town. It focuses on Rex’s struggle to adjust to this world as a child coming into his superpowers for the first time (Y’know, the whole “superheroes don’t have powers when they’re on their home planets” thing), his struggle to adapt to the social world of a non-logical planet, and Becky’s struggle to help him become accustomed to Earth and learn to share it with her as well. If the episode “Kid Math” was a full-length novel about Rex’s arrival and character development, that’s what this story is. This is the highest priority of all my non-FOP ‘fics... I’ve had a cover image made for 6 months and even though I tried setting it aside, I’ve always been super inspired to write for it. If I felt like it would be a good idea to commit to weekly updates alongside my FOP updates, I would, haha.

- I have two one-shot WIPs called “Squishy Feelings” and “A Little Ambiguity”, one of them focusing on Becky and Rex talking about the events of “Rhyme and Reason” and what it means for Rex’s secret identity, and the latter being a future ‘fic showing WordGirl and Kid Math dealing with life 10 to 15 years down the road. I’ll probably post the latter, not sure yet on the former.

- If desired, I may make a WordGirl specific sideblog where I post lore, answer Asks, post character profiles [smaller than my FOP sideblog ones], and mention fanfic updates. If you would be interested in this, feel free to send me an Ask requesting I do this. If there’s not interest, I’ll just keep my WordGirl stuff on the main blog.

- I’d like to get more involved in the WordGirl community, so I’ll probably post more content and reblog more art and headcanons

I also have a handful of miscellaneous ideas I might follow through with. I’d like to write at least one “TUFF Puppy” fanfic so I can say I did. In a perfect world I would like to finish the two “Danny Phantom” and “Bunsen Is a Beast” fanfics I started because... I just kind of want to dip my toe in each of the Hartman shows once since I already went through all the effort of worldbuilding for them to make them canon in a single Hartman show universe. “ChalkZone” is another show I adore and might touch someday (You may recall I have a full outline planned for an FOP/ChalkZone crossover ‘fic called “Dust to Dust”).

Will I write all of these things? Maybe not. I have no idea if I want to spend the next 10+ years writing fanfics, or if I’ll simply be done with all misc. fanfics immediately once I decide to be done with my main ‘fics. I definitely intend to write for a few more years and finish my main ‘fics, but I might not go through with some less popular side ‘fics if life is getting busy for me.

===

What is the posting schedule for FOP ‘fics?

Reedfilter Rules, Frayed Knots, Origin of the Pixies, the 130 Prompts project, and “Come What May” are all high priority FOP writings. I will swap between them depending on my mood that week.

Here are some other ‘fics I want to work on.

- If you like, you can send me Asks requesting I work on a specific story above the rest. I will try to prioritize whichever stories interest you guys most.

Snips and Snails is a ‘fic I started and posted the first chapter for years ago. I’m not sure when I will get back to it, as I ran into some writer’s block. It’s still on tentative hiatus for now..... Possibly forever, though I hope it isn’t forever since it’s only supposed to be, like, five more chapters.

Pink and Gray is on official hiatus. I actually have a lot written for it, but I know it’s a little weird to put so much time and energy into Gary and Betty content when... well, let’s be honest: they’re my niche favorites and most of you probably don’t care. So, I am lifting my usual “no spoilers” policy from my Ask Box. If you would like to ask about my Gary and Betty backstory headcanons, feel free. I will tag my replies as “ridwriting spoilers” for anyone who wants to blacklist the tag, and spoilers will be hidden under a Read More line. 

I’d like to return to this story someday because there are tons of things I like about it (ranging from Betty’s secret tattoos to Gary’s plot drama with his mom to the background drama between Talon and Anti-Cosmo, but I always feel immense pressure to make it extra cool to make up for the fact these are weird side characters, so... it’s officially at the bottom of the priority pile. Once Talon shows up in Frayed Knots and readers understand who he is and why he exists, I’ll consider coming back to it.

Identity Theft is a story about Foop and his time in the alternate dimension he was flung into following the episode “Playdate of Doom.” To put it short, Foop was abused by alternate versions of his parents in this dimension and he witnessed some pretty intense stuff, including the death of the alt version of himself who existed in that reality. The trauma he experienced resulted in his alternate personality, Hiccup. Foop himself has very few memories of what happened, as Hiccup has all of those memories. This story is canon in my works, and it is regularly referred to during the 130 Prompts as part of Foop’s backstory. It’s my highest priority side story to work on.

Along the Cherry Lane is a 20-chapter work focusing on the lives of the main human cast from age 11 to age 30, with one chapter showing a snippet of their lives each year. You see Timmy raising Tommy and Tammy in this ‘fic, and it ends with them receiving godparents. Since the 130 Prompts don’t give humans much attention, this ‘fic does. You’ll probably see it debut two years from now, closer to when the 130 Prompts is ready to talk more about humans.

If this becomes a popular ‘fic of mine, I’ll probably write a sequel or continue it past Chapter 30 and write about Tammy and Tommy living with fairies, but I won’t if there’s no interest in that.

Little Imperfections is a Pixie AU ‘fic of mine about what life would be like in a universe where the Fairies are even more like insects than I play them as during my main works (where I already play them as semi-similar to insects). In this world, the Head Pixie is a figurehead whose duty is to reproduce for the sake of the colony and do nothing else, and he’s bored out of his mind until he befriends Sanderson, who introduces him to music. It’s extremely self-indulgent and silly because I like Pixies.

Francis is a multi-chapter ‘fic about bully Francis’s life getting yet another fairy godparent in a long string of memory wipes and godparents. It takes place during the canon series, and when you see an “orange fairy” mentioned in some of my writings, it’s usually referring to this fairy. His name is Rover and I occasionally post art of him. I feel like I can’t truly call myself an FOP fanfic writer until I actually write about a godkid and their godparents, haha...

Hawthorn Haven is a side ‘fic that will be posted towards the end of the 130 Prompts, as it veers off from the prompts in its own self-contained multi-chapter story. It will be approximately the length of “Baby, You’re a Rich Man.”

Acacia Arcadia is a far-past ‘fic detailing the fall of the ancient fae, the imprisonment of the nature spirits, the rise and fall of the chimera nation, the fall of the Martian genies, and the early days of the cloudlands. This is close to the bottom of the priority pile... It’s something I spend time on for personal reference to ensure accuracy in my other ‘fics, but it’s probably not what you guys came here to read.

AA has a bunch of characters in it that you might vaguely recognize, such as Ezekiel Whimsifinado, Evadne, Ione, Two Feathers, Rho, and Sablewood (If you’re astute, you might recall cloudland legends and landmarks in modern day that refer back to these characters). There are also a lot of characters who were reincarnated as Anti-Fairies, in accordance to traditional Anti-Fairy beliefs; Foop for example exists as a main character in one of his past lives, and you’ll see a hint dropped about each of his lives in the first chapter of Identity Theft. My tentative plan is to use Foop’s past lives as my central characters, following the events of each part of the timeline until he gets killed and reincarnates at a later point of the timeline.

I also keep some one-shots in a file I call Mixed Nuts and I may possibly post them someday (they’re mostly just one-shots of main cast characters I do to get a feel for their personalities, I have some Wanda and Cupid in here). @zachbrightside and I are also working on a collab ‘fic called Like a House On Fire that shows more of Timmy and Chloe’s lives during Season 10 (especially around the time of “Which Is Wish?”) No news on a release date for that yet.

-

As I’ve said before, once all my other FOP works are complete, I will write Devil’s Backbone, which is my far-future ‘fic and the finale of my FOP writing. I do not plan to write any more FOP content after that story is finished, as I expect to have all other FOP projects done by then.

- Devil’s Backbone is a finale 'fic, so all worldbuilding from all stories is fair game to blend together, and it’s highly recommended you read everything else first. This story has been outlined since 2016, and it might not be published for another 10 years... Who knows! But it’s something I always work towards as a concrete endgame goal.

- If something serious comes up in my life and I officially decide I don’t want to write this story, I will post the outline for it. The link to this draft is included with all the other Google Docs links I have in a far-future queued post unveiling my WIPs in case I unexpectedly die and you still want to know how my stories would have gone, so you’ll get access to this story eventually even if I die young. Yes, share access is turned on for them all and I do take extra careful measures to be sure that post doesn’t get posted early skldfj

===

What is the plan for the main blog?

Every Friday, I will post either a fanfic chapter or a progress update. You can blacklist the tag “ridlife” if you do not want to see the progress updates on your dashboard. Fanfic updates will not have the “ridlife” tag, so you will not be blocking them.

During the rest of the week, I might post doodles, reblogs, or general comments. Basically... you’ll see the blog become active again. Feel free to send in Asks about my worldbuilding and thoughts on fanfic characters.

@fountainpenguin is my personal blog, so you will see non-fandom things on here sometimes

@riddledeep is my FOP-exclusive sideblog. It contains all my lore notes and goes into a ton of depth, more than my fanfics give in one breath

===

What does this mean for the Riddledeep sideblog?

I really want to go back and edit those character profiles that were posted early by mistake. The reason they were queued is because if I turned them into drafts, they would have been buried all the way at the beginning of my draft collection, and I have many, many drafts saved. There are no page numbers to navigate quickly through the draft collection, so I would have to click through each page one by one if I ever wanted to look at them. I hated doing this, which is why I kept my posts queued.

I was regularly updating the queue deadlines, trying to keep things in the order I wanted to post them in, but Tumblr made a change to the way drafts are dated and it kept throwing off my system. My inability to remember when my queued things would post combined with my busy schedule led to some profiles being posted early and incomplete. I want to fix these.

Over a year ago, my good friend Vulpix150 helped me finalize my designs for the Aos Sí and Daoine Sith. I’ve been sitting on that art in secret for a while, and at some point I plan to post it on the sideblog and talk more about that lore.

Updating fanfics is my higher priority (and it was the priority my followers voted for when I asked you to send votes to my Ask Box a while back). So, I will usually spend my free time working on fanfics unless I need a break from them and want to work on sideblog profiles instead. Thank you for your patience!

===

TL;DR

I’m posting fanfics again soon. I’m going to take a more relaxed approach to posting them. I’m going to post more of what I want to post and what I feel motivated to post, not always a main ‘fic update. If I’m not “feeling it” when working on a draft, then I’ll set it aside for a while unless I know my followers and readers have high interest in the next chapter of that story. I always write for me first, but if I know there are other people who care a lot about a story, then of course I want to write it for you too!

I’m going to embrace my decade-long love for WordGirl and post more ‘fics and art or this fandom. I’ve always been a little shy about doing this, but I’m ready to make it an official fandom on my main blog (unless there are lots of requests for WordGirl things to be contained in their own sideblog). I will be posting the first chapter for a ‘fic called Factor It In very soon. Love my easily frustrated alien kiddos having a long day.

I am working on Creature-Crossing stuff too, and will be especially busy in November and December. Updates will be slow for a few months, but I hope to find my groove and a good pace soon.

Each Friday, I will post either a fanfic update or a mention of what I am working on. I will be checking in on Tumblr regularly. Feel free to talk! I much prefer you send messages to my Ask Box, not my private messenger, please <3

===

Is there a specific story of mine you like and want more updates for?

Asks and reviews help me know which ‘fics people are enjoying. I plan to keep writing ‘fics no matter what, but I definitely give more time to the ‘fics that get more attention (and I have been spending so much time writing for Creature-Crossing because that’s where the attention was coming from)

It’s easy to stay motivated and get the next part of a story out soon if I know that people like it. It’s always harder if you feel like people are silently judging you and ignoring your posts. So, let me know what you’re interested in. And if you only leave Likes or Favorites instead of asks and reviews, that’s okay too! Thank you for interacting anyway and enjoying my work.

Thanks for reading!

[tellerford13]

MO ASTOR- CHAPTER 36

We don’t own the bikes, brothers, or any “related” Sons of Anarchy, trust us, if we did we wouldn’t have the time to write. No money is being made from our stories. So, please don’t sue. It’d be a fruitless endeavor indeed. That being said, Harley, Journee, and any other newbies are ours, and we don’t share. :Whispers in creepy voice: “My precious.” The universe This reality is a mix of cannon, and our own ideas. We strive to keep the boys cannon, but since we will be shifting around some of the events, that will reflect in our writing and their personalities as well. It’s our goal to provide you with quality fiction, and solid, fleshed out OFC. We appreciate constructive criticism and love LOVE reviews, they are a writers life blood and definitely help encourage us and inspire us.                                                       A/N: Oh My God We’re Back Again. It’s been a long time, but we never lost our love for Mo Astor. We’ve been plotting, and writing, and editing behind the scenes. We’re back to posting once a week. Thank you to all the readers who’ve left comments, favorited, and waited patiently. Grab a drink, sit back, and get ready to become lost in the world we’ve created.

                                         Mo Astor Chapter 36

Jax

It’s been a long time since it was just me and my baby sister. I’m looking forward to the one-on-one, though I’d never admit it out loud. She’s been my rock through some hard times.

I imagine she’d say the same for me. When life around you is constantly shifting, you look to each other to remain stable. That’s something most don’t understand.  That bond you have with someone who holds you down through all the bullshit is lifelong. It doesn’t break when you do jail time, have a difference of opinions, or get busy with life. So yeah, I guess civilians right, we ain’t like them.

“Morning,” I call as I walk into the house and disarm and reset the alarm.

“You’re making me regret giving you a key.” I follow her voice into the kitchen.  

“You love it when I visit,” I retort.

“Did you tell the incubator I’m coming with you?” She asks cutting straight to the point.

I snicker. “Believe it or not, she prefers you.”

Journee scowls.

“Proves how fucking stupid she is,” she mutters.

“Jesus, Baby J. hold a grudge much?”

“Pot meet kettle. Mr. Let’s measure our dicks with Kick.” She finishes rinsing off her dishes, and piles them into the dishwasher.

“That was setting boundaries.”

“Riiight. Whatever you need to help you sleep at night. At least I own my crazy ass tendencies.” She pouts.

“’Cause that’s better?” I lean against the counter beside her.

“Oh, yeah bro. Always best to know yourself.” She winks

“You’re full of shit.”

“Guess that’s why my eyes are brown, huh? Wait that can’t be true. Cause your eyes are sky blue, J.”

“You’re supposed to be coming along for moral support,” I reminder her wryly.

“I am.” She pats my cheek as we head out of her house towards my bike. “I’m breaking you down to build you up stronger.”

“That’s some fucked up Gemma logic.” I mutter.

“She did raise us to be like her.”

“You say that with a straight face and it becomes a scary story.” She laughs.

“I know.”

“Such a little shit.” I’m smiling as I say it. Like a true little sister, no one can get away with more bullshit than her, and she knows it. It reminds me of the year she and Tommy were as thick as thieves. He was a lot like her in many ways—more soft spoken and thoughtful. As an only kid she had a crazy patience for him, reading him books, and letting him trail along beside her.

Part of me wondered if they’d have ended up together if things were different and she’d be a Teller for another reason. Especially with how things ended up for me and Lee.

I push the thought out of my mind. What if’s did nothing but drive you crazy.

“So, what exactly did I agree to go to anyway?” she asks.

“Don’t you think you should’ve asked that beforehand?” I tease.

She shakes her head. “You know I’m your ride or die.”

“I do. Basic check-up, and then lunch. I get the feeling she’s got some new man.”

She whistles. “Damn that fast?”

“Hey. If it keeps her from dicking with me and Lee, and doesn’t affect my boy, let her be happy.”

“All kidding aside.” She shuts the door to the dishwasher and turns to me. “ I’m proud of you, big brother. You’ve come a long way.”

My neck grows hot. “We both know Lee had a lot to do with that.”

“Your, opening your eyes and seeing what was in front of you did that. You and Lee were always just a matter of when not if.” She starts the wash cycle.

“So sure.” I roll my eyes.

“I could see it. Over the years you got so close, but something always kept you from clicking.” “Deep down I knew in order to keep her I’d have to get my shit together, and I wasn’t ready to do that. So I stayed back ‘cause fucking things up between us wasn’t an option, you know?”

“Things came out the way they were meant to.”

“You really think that?” I glance into her soft brown eyes, and she gives me that Madonna smile that makes me feel like everything is going to be alright. I can always be real with my sister because I know she’s going to give me the truth. Wither I want it or not.

“I do.” She reaches over and places her hand on mine. “You both had some work to do before you could commit to forever.”

“You think I have it in me?  Forever and kids and all that?” I ask cautiously. So far, I’m screwing up the baby thing with my first born. It’s scary thinking of another person depending on me, let alone a child. It changes everything, and our life is unpredictable.

“You are your father’s son. Is there even a doubt?”

“Naw.” I lie, trying to fake it till I make it like I always do.

“Didn’t think so. You’re paying for lunch right? ‘Cause I’m starving.”

I laugh.

“You about to try to put a hurting on my wallet?” I hand her my spare helmet before climbing on my bike.

“Better than putting a hurting on your ex.” She says with a shrug, clipping the helmet on.

I chuckle, pulling my helmet on.

“You have a valid point. Damn you are our mothers’ child.”

She blows a raspberry, before mounting my bike.  Little sis knows since she’s doing me a favor, she has the upper hand—and she’s going to milk that shit for all it’s worth. It’s the Teller way.

~~~~~~~ I’m pleasantly surprised and slightly bewildered by the manicured lawn and uncluttered space by the garage. The large black garbage cans are lined up neatly by the curb on the street.

Pulling into the driveway, I remove my helmet and pause to take in the freakish cleanliness it’s lacked in prior visits.  This is above and beyond the duties we assigned the prospect keeping tabs on Wendy’s house.

“Well. This is different,” Journee whispers.

“Yeah.” I frown and turn to look over my shoulder.

“Maybe Ma sent over multiple prospects to tidy up.”

“Nu-uh.” Journee shakes her head.

“She said this was your mess to handle.” I purse my lips. “Which means it’s up to me to help you out with the pile of shit you’ve landed in.” Journee sighs.

“I feel the love.”

Journee shrugs. “I’m only speaking the truth big bro. You choose poorly for your first baby Mama. I told you how I felt about her long before you decided to give her your crow.”

I scowl. “No need to rub it in.”

“I’m just reminding you to listen to me. Sometimes I know things.” She flicks my ear and climbs off the back of my bike gracefully.

“Let’s get this torture session over, please.”

“You think it’s bad for you? I got eighteen years of this bare minimum.”

Storing our helmets in my saddlebags, I wrap an arm around her shoulders. “Come on, be my buffer.”

“I should let you go up in flames,” She mutters.

“That’s not sisterly,” I say with a grin.

“Jaxass.” She mutters.

We climb the steps, and the door swings open to reveal Wendy before we can even knock.  My jaw drops at her appearance. I glance over to find Journee equally shocked.

She looks like a fucking Stepford wife in a pale-yellow sundress complete with a flared skirt and heels. Last time she dressed like this a waffle iron came flying at my head.

“Jackson.  Cat got your tongue?” Wendy smirks.

Journee growls. “Aaaah, the little cocoa sidekick.”

“You know it only takes nine months to bake a baby, and you’ve got what...” Journee taps a finger against her cheek. “Less than three months left?”

“Nice to know you can count,” Wendy sneers.

  This is a new woman in front of me. I’m glad that she’s gotten the idea of us getting back together to be a family out of her head, but this one-eighty makes me uneasy.

I scan her body, and notice the thick strips of white medical tape over her entire right forearm.

They stand out against her nineteen-fifties get up.

“The fuck.” I grab her arm. “What are you hiding?”

“Your mark. Which meant nothing.” She spits, tugging her arm away.

“Let me see.”

“Fuck you, Jackson.”

Journee moves forward, blocking the doorframe with her body to keep me from dragging the smart-mouthed bitch out.

“I swear to God. If you’re using again.”  My breath quickens, and my visions tints red as rage builds up inside me like an inferno about to blaze out of control.

“You can take it off on your own. Or I can make you,” Journee says softly.

“One of these days, someone is going to put you in your fucking place. You don’t even belong here,” Wendy growls.

Journee climbs up another step, getting in her face.

“I know exactly who I am, where I belong, and where I’m wanted. You could never say the same, could you? Poor little lost girl, with loose legs begging to belong.”

Wendy blinks and turns away. Her hands tremble as she unwraps the tape and thrusts her arm toward me. “Look your fill. You dick.”

I peer down at the unmarred skin, and my knees nearly go weak with relief.  “It better stay this way.”

“I have someone to take care of me now, Jackson. I don’t need your bullshit concerns.”

“The minute you give birth to my baby you can do whatever the hell you want. Until that time, your business is mine.”

“It’s my baby too.” Her tone makes me stand up straight.

“What was that Wendy?” My voice drops an octave. “Is the junkie with no job trying to tell me she thinks she’s the better parent?”

“Inside.” Journee whispers.

Of course, We always have to keep up appearances here in town.” My mother’s voice plays in my head.

The fresh scent of cleanser and scented candles greets me. The house has never looked this good.

Who turned her into June Cleaver? I search the place for clues. The laundry basket resting on the couch has t-shirts that are far too big for Wendy, and the black boxers are a dead giveaway.

I don’t feel anything for her. I haven’t for far longer than I care to admit.  But I do worry about the company she’s keeping with my boy still in her belly.

He’s not a junkie. Shit’s too put together for that.

“Going somewhere?” Journee asks, nodding toward the kitchen.

I spot the half-packed boxes and bare spaces on the counter.

“I don’t want to stay in this house of lies.” Her dark eyes burn into mine.

“And where do you plan on going?” I ask. She looks away.

“Do you really want us to have to find you?” Journee asks.

Wendy crosses her arms under her breasts, pulling the material tight around her waist.I take in the bulge that’s grown over the past month.

“I’m just preparing.”

“You’re not supposed to be lifting heavy things right now.”

“I have help,” She snaps.

“You aren’t the only person who’d ever want me.” Her hands ball into fists. “If you can move on, so can I.”

“No one is saying you can’t, you crazy bitch. Calm the fuck down before you distress my godson. There’s no reason for everyone to get all worked up. We get it. Wendy bagged herself a new man. Good for you. We’re here to get our report on the baby, and we’ll be gone. The quicker you update us, the sooner we’ll be out of your hair.” Journee holds her hands out like she’s wrangling two high school kids about to fight.

Huffing, she stalks over to the large chair and sits down crossing her ankles, like some kind of proper lady. I’m in the fucking twilight zone. I lean forward with my arms on my knees, drinking up her reports. My boy is growing properly and healthy. It’s more than I could’ve hoped for, considering how fast and hardcore we were living when she got knocked up.

We were both empty shells looking to fill up spaces neither of us could ever fit into.

It’d been fun for a while, but it had never been built to last. She wasn’t even a consolation prize post-Tara tear down— Wendy was a pretty thing to warm my bed and play by the club rules without question. Now I’m paying for my poor choices.

“You satisfied?” Wendy asks. Journee looks at me, and I nod.

“For now.” Journee nods her head, and we both rise.

“Same time next month, Case.” Journee drawls. Such a little shit. Makes a brother proud.

She scowls as we leave.

“What. the fuck, Jax?” Journee whispers.

I shake my head. “Not sure, but if he keeps her shit together for the next 2 and half months, I don’t much care.”

~~~~~~

Sitting down at the table in Hannah’s, I wait for J to finish most of her meal before bringing up the main reason I wanted to go out to lunch after.

“All right Baby J, so…I gotta admit there's another reason I brought you along today.” I begin, wiping my hands off with my napkin. She rolls her eyes playfully at me. “Of course there is. So, which of my skill sets will you need for this favor? I've got a few spots saved in the woods for disposal and Hap gave me an amazing cleaner kit for my birthday.” She says with an excited grin and a bloodlust in her eyes. She is so her father’s daughter. I can't help but chuckle, shaking my head in Disbelief.  By looking at her you'd never guess what she was capable of.  But with her dad the Sergeant at Arms of Grim Bastards, and her mentor Happy Lowman…there’s a side to her that I never want to get on the bad side of. “Well I do need your skills, just not those ones.” I say, taking a sip of my water. She raises a curious eyebrow at me before smirking.

“Sorry bro, my other skills are only allowed to be enjoyed by my husband and my wifey. As kinky as my old man is, I don't think we're ready to swing just yet.”

She teases with a wink and I damn near spit my sip out. “Jesus J, not that either! Shit little sister, I’ve only just begun playing in Lee's pussy myself. No other dick is going to be poking around in her till it’s been claimed to completion.” Her eyebrows shoot up.“Already planning on making her your second baby mama?” "Second and final. But not just yet. I just got her to say I love you to me. If I plant the seed too soon, I'm worried she'd rip out the roots.”

She rolls her eyes. “Naw Bro, Lee'd never terminate.”

“Oh I know, I wasn't talking about the baby. I was more concerned with her going Loreena Bobbitt on me.”  I say honestly, shifting in my seat at the imaginary pain. She bursts out laughing, nodding her head in agreement. “Yea, that uh, that might be more likely.” She says between adorable little snorts.

I nod my head in agreement. “Exactly and seeing is how I ain't planning on changing my singing voice anytime soon, I'm real careful how I'm navigating this one.” Feels like the story of my life right now. It’s been a unique experience having the girl be hesitant with me.With Tara and Wendy, we went full steam ahead, and the crows afterwards all but jumped on my dick the minute I looked at them.

Lee is different. And being with her like this has shown me just how special she is.

She’s worth the time and the energy to make this work for both of us.

J offers me a soft, approving smile. “That's good to hear.” I nod. It’s a relief knowing how much baby sister supports us. None of this would’ve happened without her, and I know she’s got my back to help me navigate these new relationship waters. “Besides she's got that IED thing in her arm.” I add.

She bursts out laughing again and this time I'm a little confused.

“It's an IUD dumbass. Lee doesn't have a fucking bomb implanted in her arm.” She teases and I can't help but chuckle.

There's a joy in her eyes I haven't seen since before the whole Kyle debacle. I'm not the least bit surprised her old man helped put it there. I've known about his crush on her for years, but I knew better than to say shit. I figure if Chibs was taking his time there had to be a reason. Brother was one of the most strategic mother fuckers I knew. I was fifteen when he patched in, and after losing my old man, I saw him like the big brother I never had. There was no one I listened to and trusted more than Filip Telford.

I loved Ope and, there would always be a lifelong bond between us, but when he met Donna, we both felt something sever between us. He became a family man almost overnight, and I wasn’t done sewing my wild oats. Plus, the way the whole thing went down with him hurting J, it never sat right with me. Those two had been headed in a direction that would’ve been something real special. But then Mary got involved, dragged him away and he came back with Donna.

I can still feel my anger at the look of heartbreak he’d put on Journee’s face.

He’s been out a few months now and I rarely see him. The separation has been painful, but he’s trying to go the way of the straight and narrow for his family. Donna’s laid out the rules damn clearly. If he gets into trouble again, she’s out. Should’ve had brown babies Ope. This was the real danger of marrying and procreating with a Civi. They never fully understood our world, and few respected the price that sometimes must be paid to be apart of it. I don’t resent Ope for finding love, but I do resent his love for taking him away from his family.

“All right, Well then I'm lost Jay boy. If it ain’t cleaning and it ain’t playtime…what could you need from me?” She asks, taking a sip from her drink. My stomach flutters excitedly. I reach into the pocket of my cut. Producing the crinkled, early stages of a sketch I’ve been working on, I slide it over to her.

“Need the artiste in you little sister.” She glances at me and then opens the paper. My excitement turns to nerves as I watch her eyes studying the picture presented to her. "What am I looking at here J?" She asks and I scowl slightly. "I mean I know I'm not a great artist like you, but you can tell it's a crow.”

She chuckles. “I mean I know that, but I’m wondering why I'm looking at crow?”

"Right so, I need your help J. I want to design a new crow for Lee. After the shit with Kick, I need her inked. I want everyone to know she's claimed.” Her eyebrows shoot up again. “Wait what? A new crow, but your dad designed the first one. Why do you want to do new?” “I know dad designed the first one, but he designed it for my mom. And then ya know other old ladies got it and it just sort of became trademark.” I pause. “But there's nothing trademark about my old lady. I want her to have one just for her, cause she's damn special to me and she deserves something that represents not just me but us. Like you and Chibs did. Seeing the crow designed specifically for the two of you made me realize, I don't want her wearing the same generic shit that both Tara and Wendy got. Lee is never gonna be an ex, I know she's my forever and I want this crow to be more than just the generic SAMCRO trademark.”

I explain my thought process to her watching the smile tugging at the edge of her lips.

“So, that's what I need your help with. No one loves Lee as much as me and no one knows her better. I've got an idea and I can explain what I want, but I need your help executing my vision and making it something that represents us both and that she'd be proud to wear.”

I wait for her reaction. She studies the sketch and runs her fingers over the lines. “Where are you thinking she wears her brand?” I can’t help but remember before we were together, standing in my dorm room at Journee's engagement party.  Journee running her slender fingers over Lee's chest saying how sexy a chest piece would look. I lick my lips and shift in my seat before clearing my throat. “Depends what we come up with. I know I’m definitely going to want her to get a chest piece so anyone who looks knows exactly who she belongs to, but I also know she's gotta be careful with size given her business dealings in the upper crust. So maybe just property off Jax across her chest so she can cover it up if need be. But this crow, HER crow...I don't want to worry about size. Maybe her shoulder or tricep for when she's in tank tops. After we design it and I give it to her, I'll let her decide where.”

Journee nods thoughtfully. “All right so explain to me what you're thinking.” She reaches into her oversized satchel she almost always has with her, and pulls out a small sketch book and pencil. I chuckle at her. She shrugs sheepishly. “Hey I'm an artist, never know when inspiration might strike.” She says flipping the book open to an empty page. “So I like what you have going here with the crow but what if you go with a two headed crow. Sort of like you and her becoming one.”  She explains, masterfully sketching out what I'd already drawn and adding on to it. “Now, tell me what else you're thinking.”

By the time we’re finished, the idea is a fully formed tattoo. The two crows each have a wing.

A bleeding heart in the middle of the crows speaks to our passion and dedication for each other. One crow clutches an A.K. 47 for the club, and the other crow clutches an olive branch to represent the peace she brings me.  With her, I’m completely balanced. Journee’s thrown in a few other hidden easter eggs to symbolize Lee.  My name sits above the entire thing to let everyone know who my old lady belongs to. I love that in a way Journee is woven in there. There would be no me and Lee without her wonderfully “subtle” match making ways. We stand to leave, and I toss 20 extra bucks down on a 24-dollar bill. SamCro always makes sure to tip extra well in town. Keeps our business running and our business owners happy to have us. As we're walking out my phone rings and I can't help but grin when I see Lee's name on the caller ID.

“Hey beautiful, I was just thinking about you.” I say answering the phone. “How'd your meeting go?” I ask as we walk towards my bike. "Hey baby, went good. I think your mom and I were able to nail down the last of the details for the taste of Charming festival coming up.” I can hear the relief in her tone.

“Glad to hear it Darlin. J and I just finished up lunch. Headed back now.” I pause.“I mean, headed home.” I correct, winking at the smirk J gives me. “Glad to hear it darlin.” She mocks on the other end. J and I get to the bike and she grabs her helmet. “How’d your meeting go with Wendy?”

“Went good. I’ll tell you more about when I get there.”

“Okay baby.” I can hear her hesitation for a moment.

“Something wrong?”

“No, not at all. But umm Sack came by this morning with a few boxes of your stuff. And I hope you don't mind that I started unpacking some things. You know I hate boxes.” My heart damn near soars at her words. “Of course I don't mind Lee. You know how I hate unpacking, so unpack away. I can't wait to see it. My shit mixed in with yours. Bet it's gonna look amazing.” I say honestly. After our bathtub wall breaking session we both wanted as much of my stuff into her house as soon as possible.

Mostly cause I didn't want her changing her mind on me. “I think you'll like it. I’m headed back to the house now. You done for the day or you got Club stuff you gotta do?”

“I got some free time babe. I'll head over after I drop J off.”

I mount my bike so J can get on while I finish up my phone call. “Okay sounds good Jax.” She grows quiet for a second before a sweet "I love you Jackson," comes through the earpiece. I can't help the smile hearing her initiate the L word that been circling my head for months.

“I love you too Harley.” I say sincerely, picturing her bashful, smile on the other end.

“I'll see you soon babe.”

“Okay, bye baby.” She says before disconnecting the call. Journee is settled in her seat behind me and I can practically feel her smile. “How'd that feel?” She asks learning forward to wrap her arms around my waist. “Pretty Amazing, I’ll never get tired of hearing that from her.” I answer honestly, pulling my helmet on.  I can always be honest and real around J. “I know the feeling.” She says giving me a squeeze. She leans forward to place an affectionate kiss on my check.“I'm so happy for you Jackson. For both of you.” She says.

I thread my fingers in her course curls and cup the back of her head. After Pressing a firm kiss to her cheek, I rest my head on top of hers for a moment. “Thank you, Journee. For everything.” I sincerely say.

There is no doubt in my mind if it hadn’t been for my baby sister I wouldn’t be in this amazing stage with Lee.

Knowing me I would’ve fucked us up by now. She gives me a squeeze before situating in her seat. “All right, enough with the chick flick moment. Take me home chauffer, time for me to go see my old man.” She says like a little kid getting ready to open presents as soon as she gets home. “Yes ma'am.” I tease starting my bike and heading out. ~~~~~ A/N: In case ya’ll were wondering this was what Tellerford was thinking Lee’s Crow Looks like. It’s based off a Design the show produced and was tweaked to fit our image lol. So we thought you might like a little glimpse into what’s in our head. 

[funkymbtifiction]

9 woes

All the good 9 content here in recent weeks has had me reflecting a lot. I feel like the way I operate is so completely wrapped up in myself, trying to be self-sufficient, doing my best to make plans and goals for myself and rarely thinking about how others are going to factor into those plans… I hardly think about other people’s feelings at all. I go about my life assuming people will be there for me until I’m hit with the worry that they won’t. I start thinking about my loved ones dying, or the certainty that my friends are growing distant because we haven’t spoken in ages. It feels like this sudden wave of emotion hits me now and again, and I don’t know what to do about it. At this point I make some attempts (if I’m being honest and critical of myself, they’re feeble) to connect with people again, but I feel selfish. Pay attention to me because I don’t want to lose you? I’ve noticed this pattern with myself that I love meeting new people, it’s an adrenaline rush and I can become so absorbed in the idea of them, how different they are from me, but when it comes to letting them get close I just don’t really know how to do it. And it comes with so much uncertainty and worry because I don’t even have much practice being a good friend to the ones I have. How do I get out of this rut?

Also, conceptually, why is 9 in the body/ gut centre? I feel like I’ve never really connected to the emphasis on 9s having anger/suppressing their anger. Not to sound too much like a 9, but I don’t really notice whether I’m angry or suppressing my anger or what. What I do notice is this sense that I’m making myself invisible in my relationships and feeling deficient because I don’t have the ease of just… feeling things around people. How is that not a heart thing?

First, the fact that you are admitting all of this about yourself is an excellent first step. It’s always rather horrific to confront the truth about yourself (in your case, your 9ish ‘avoidance’ of intimacy)... but if you do not do that, then you are not aware of the problem and have no incentive to fix it. You want to fix it, and that’s excellent. The hard part of self-discovery is over, and the work of learning to connect has begun.

You said you don’t want to become friendly to your friends simply out of a fear of losing them... but... what is a relationship? Have you thought about it? It’s where two people provide something to other person. It is a ‘give and take’ in which they are supposed to benefit equally. Very few people want to be alone, and everyone needs friends. It isn’t wrong or bad to want to stay in touch with someone just because you’re afraid they might leave you -- that’s part of being in a relationship. Paying attention to them, so they will pay attention to you. It isn’t selfish when both people are openly participating in it. It’s bonding. Your friends give you things -- their time, attention, love, support -- to receive the same thing from you.

Start making a habit of reaching out to other people, since you now know that you are inclined to fall into yourself and ignore them for long periods of time. Write it down if you need to. Make it a habit to ‘reach out.’ 9s need habits in order to take the uncertainty out of deciding whether to do something or not. If you, for example, decided that you want to keep your friendship with Mary, then make it a habit each Monday (or whatever other day of the week you like) to reach out to her in some way -- send her a quick little e-mail, text with her for twenty minutes, pop a card in the mail, comment on her blog.

Meeting new people is fine. It’s also fine to focus on them when just meeting them. But not all of them are going to become your friend. Friendship, as you are discovering, requires a willingness of both parties to make an effort. Just... start doing it. Even if you don’t feel like it. Make it something you do. And you may find that it’s more fun to communicate with someone than to procrastinate and avoid them.

Okay, the numbing out in friendships, I can understand. My own 9 fix relates, although it’s mostly in the service to the 6′s desire for self-protection. Here is the thing: you cannot get close to people, unless you know who you are, and are willing to be honest. If you are always 9ishly guarding everything you say -- your thoughts, feelings, anything that might upset them, and ‘falling into them’ -- then you cannot be close to them, because you aren’t yourself. Spend some time separate from other people figuring out what you feel and think about things, what you love that other people do not, and what your standards and opinions are, and then practice bringing THOSE to the table in the relationship. I also suspect you may be over-romanticizing the idea of “attachment” and deep relationship -- in reality, it’s just a sharing of thoughts, feelings, and ideas, and while it does take practice to become intimate and trusting of others with your deeper self, it is something that can take a while. That bombastic “OMG, you are amazing, my kindred spirit, let me spill my guts to you” thing is an infrequent occurrence in life.

9s is in the body center because of its emotional restraint, and the fact that it has a gut center ‘hostility’ toward the outer world. The 1 wrangles the world into submission, the 8 takes an antagonistic stance against it, and the 9 throws up buffers against it and/or is absorbed into it. Your lack of emotional awareness is why you are in the gut center. Heart center numbers are all dealing with their emotions and over-focused on how people are relating to them -- and you are pushing away people and doing your own thing. Heart center numbers try to attract people in some way, because their deepest drive is love-related. :)

[daikon1]

2020 Fanfic Year in Review!

@floraone and @nari20 encouraged me to participate in the Year-In-Review so okay, here we go!!

1. List of fics completed this year:

Completed (as in marked-as-completed) is only two!

Advice From Her Fairy Prince (which I actually wrote in 2019!) and

Swipe Right - A Tinder Tale

I also have two ongoing short story collections that I started this year and then two multichapters that will be carried into the new year, though Teammates Don’t Kiss is fully written and R is for Reverse is more than three quarters done.

2. Number of words written:

86,680!

Not bad considering I only started in August! (Do note that I’m only counting words that got posted, so since I work with buffer chapters this is a little less than what I’ve technically written!!)

3. Your most popular fic this year:

R is for Reverse, for sure! I’m so thrilled that the thing I’m most excited about also seems to be resonating with people.

4. Your personal favourite this year:

Definitely R! It’s such a delight to work on. There’s a reasonable chance I’ll be a bit lost when I finish it.

5. Your favourite scene:

Oh god... the more I think about this the harder it gets to pick just one!! There were so many scenes that I feel like came out really, really well.

I love pretty much every single moment of chapter 6 of R (so much UsaMamo!) but honestly I think the bit where Minako and Ami show up at Mamoru’s apartment might be my favorite? I ADORE writing Minako, she’s such a trip and honestly writes herself most of the time, and the way she and Mamoru play off of each other gives me a lot of really fun completely non-sexual tension. Plus, she’s the WORLD’S BIGGEST UsaMamo shipper and I love that.

Second favorite...I think the bit at the end of Chapter 4 of R, where Usagi and Tuxedo Mask talk after he defeats Leshy. That was totally unplanned - per my outline, Usagi was supposed to leave the tree and be gone when the battle was over - but thankfully she refused, and instead we got some really sweet bonding moments with the two of them. AND THEN HE GETS THE NERVE TO GIVE HER THE DANGOS and you can’t tell me that isn’t hella sweet.

OH and the bit in Chapter 7 of R where Mamoru totally panics over wanting to hold Usagi’s hand. I ADORE that and was so so happy with it.

6. A fic or scene that challenged you:

Pretty much ALL of the sexting scene in Tinder was HARD to write. It’s very personal to write someone masturbating, it turns out, and this was also my first major work of smut. SO there was a lot of alcohol consumed and hand-holding needed from my beta as I made my way through it.

7. A line of writing you’re proud of:

So the bit I’m currently most proud of hasn’t been posted yet (it’s from a later chapter of TDK!), so I’m gonna pick another one!

I skimmed several chapters and found quite a few bits that I’m pleased with. The bit in Chapter 7 of R where he tries to get up the nerve to hold Usagi’s hand comes to mind, but it’s pretty text-heavy so instead I’m going to specifically highlight the bit at the end of Chapter 6 of R:

The smell of her hair lingered in the hallway, her pink slippers lined up next to his black ones, and the dishes from her breakfast still sat, unwashed, on his coffee table. Hints of her presence were everywhere, and yet all he wanted, even moments after she'd left, was to see her again. The kaleidoscope inside him was back, but rather than fragmenting his emotions, this time it zeroed in on only one with crystal clarity.

Even if that rational part of him knew that this wasn't what he was supposed to do, he wasn't strong enough to fight it anymore. For the first time, he allowed himself to consciously think his dearest wish:

Maybe he could get her to fall in love with him.

Also, this one is from Advice From Her Fairy Prince, which is a Skip Beat! fanfic, but I CRACK THE HELL UP every time I reread it:

"Morizumi-san tried to throw you off a building?"

Yeah, I dunno. It’s a gloriously delayed reaction in context and I find it wonderfully absurd, so I wanted to shout that one out, too.

8.  A comment that touched you:

Oh my god, I’ve received so many nice comments this year??? I go back and reread them when I’m having a tough day and just glow. I’ve had a few people tell me things like something I wrote is one of their all-time favorites or that my writing style reminds them of another author I admire and I’m basically ready to crawl under my bed like “Who, me??” I also LIVE FOR the long, detailed comments in which people react to specifics from the story (I have several readers who do this for me and it makes me giddy every time).

One comment in particular does stick out as being far, far too kind and praised me in ways that made me feel insanely flattered and gave me a huge bout of imposter syndrome simultaneously, where they basically performed literary criticism* on one of my chapters and found all this meaning and value in my work that honestly left me a bit embarrassed in a good way. 

*Note: While I personally found this extremely flattering, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend trying this at home if you haven’t received a positive response to it before, because fic is meant to be fun, and unprompted literary critique (especially unsolicited ConCrit) can make some authors feel very hurt or defensive. YMMV of course!!

9. Something that inspired your writing this year:

So @floraone ‘adopted’ me into the fandom early this year, and spending so much time with a bunch of wonderful, creative, like-minded people not only saved my mental health in this shitstorm of a year, you all also inspired me to start writing fic again, including in several genres and events I might otherwise have shyed away from. So, I mean, that! You all! I’m so thrilled to be here and so wonderfully delighted to have found this amazing and supportive little fandom corner to play in. Thank you for inspiring me and welcoming me <3

10. Your proudest accomplishment (that one scene; finally finishing that one fic; posting your first fic; etc)

I’d say a toss-up between Tinder (writing a whole smutpiece where they are never physically in the same room together is an accomplishment, I’m just saying) and chapter 4 of R. Chapter 4 just came out so friggin’ well, and on the occasions I’ve gone back to reread it I feel very proud of it (whereas Tinder I’m more inclined to nitpick at upon reread). So, one of those!

11. Do you have any writing goals for the next year?

Oh man. I would love to finish R before my birthday (it’s in February so eh, we’ll see). And I’d love to like, not totally lose momentum and fall out of the fandom once I finish R! I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever feel quite this inspired again, so maybe finding something else that makes me want to write like this is a good goal for the year LOL. I’d also love to see if I can top my proudest bit of writing from TDK, and I think that’s a good thing to aspire to - but if I can’t, I get to put it in my wrap-up next year! Okay! So that’s my year in review, but I would love to see some other people do these! I’m not going to tag anyone because most of the people I would tag already have been, but if you see this and want to participate, consider yourself tapped in.

Here’s to the end of 2020, and fingers crossed that the next year runs more smoothly!!

[fairytail-incorrectquotes]

Hi ess! I hope you're having a good day/night! So, what do you think the strauss siblings are doing while in lockdown?

hiii anon!! it's currently 1:24am, so night I suppose!! and I'm really not, but a little message like yours just made my day much better 💕💕💕

strauss siblings in lockdown, eh?

well, elfman has decided he's gonna get buffer and be even more of a man! he's been working out near constantly. they had to order 600kg weights for him - he does 100 situps and 500 pushups with them on his back every morning before breakfast. he's decided he'll leave lockdown strong enough to crush a hippo's head between his thighs, and he seems to be pretty close to that goal! he's also taken up baking cookies for his sisters. he brings them to the girls in the morning. he's not much of a baker, and his recipe is definitely a work in progress, but he's getting better! the last batch weren't even thst burnt, and you could barely taste the salt! he spends most of the time trying to lift his bed using only his lower jaw. he seems to coping okay - he's the one who does all the shopping, and he's not even shaved his hair off or made a raincoat for a liquor bottle yet!!

mira is struggling. she can hardly get out of bed in the mornings, and she stares aimlessly at the cieling for hours every morning. her skin isn't clear anymore and her hair is getting greasier, but she can't find the motivation to bother with either. she's been browsing the Internet and has pretty much done everything that can be done in acnh. her coping mechanisms are really just memes and vine compilations from 2015 that she's seen 450 times each. she's not designed to stay inside, away from others. it's messing with her, she can't function without routine

lisanna has taught squirrels how to perform her restaging of cats and has even knitted little mungojerrie a costume. it's cute. she has no idea there's a pandemic, that's just liss

[clevercatchphrase]

2020 Year Review~

2020. Pretty unique year, don’t you think? It’s the first year since 2002 to have only two different digits in it. After 2022, this won’t happen again until 2111. Yep. Absolutely nothing more interesting than that.

Anyway! It’s time I reflect on my 2020, look back on my yearly goals and rant about things that happened to me this year. I made a post like this last year, where I went over my 2019 goals and talked about what I accomplished and what I didn’t, and it’s only fitting I do the same again this year. Read more under the cut for a random stream of consciousness ramble!

So, first things first, let’s look at my 2019 goals;

Finish paying off that last student loan

Put more stuff on my redbubble

Illustrate my own fan fics

Sew at least one stuffed animal

Make an enamel pin

Read one new book a month

Write one page a day/Complete at least one new fan fic

Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make

Finish fully scripting Ghost Switch

Boost my patreon

 Paying Off My Last Student Loan: Going down the list, I am proud to say that I FINALLY paid off all my student loans! (and not a moment too soon. The last payment I made was literally days before the first quarantine rolled out). It took me roughly 4 years on my part-time paycheck to pay off all my loans, and once I finished, I had no money to my name (literally; I had less than 1k as emergency money in case of car troubles or health issues). Heck, I’m STILL living at home as a save up for a place of my own. Finally paying off all my student loans DID activate my secret 2020 new year’s resolution, which was to adopt a cat! I did this too, literally a week later! She is the best thing that’s happened to me this entire year and I love her so much and she is the snuggliest cuddle bug I’ve ever met. I’m so happy she’s in my life now~

Put More Stuff On My Redbubble: ah ha ha ha… I thought I did this, but then I went and checked, and it turns out-! I did not. I made art I intended to go on my redbubble, but haven’t put there yet. They are all drawings of some OCs from a game I want to make, but because I haven’t progressed on making the game this year, I never got around to putting more stuff related to it on my redbubble. At the time of writing, there are 7 days left in December, so I guess I could go and put it up on my redbubble right now, but without context on where the characters are from, there wouldn’t be much point, now would there?

 Illustrate My Own Fan Fics: Another goal that I was so stoked to actually do… and then just didn’t. Gee, I wonder why I couldn’t find the energy or motivation to do it this year? Truly a conundrum. (Hey, you know what? If Ghost Switch counts as a fan fiction in a visual form, then I am doing GREAT on this goal. 2.5 years in, 1 of ~4 arcs done, and still going steady~)

 Sew At Least One Stuffed Animal: Okay, I have a valid excuse for not doing this one. I even knew which stuffed animal I wanted to make, and had the pattern drawn out and everything, but I had no money for materials because I had just paid off my student loans. And then, by the time I did have enough money again, quarantine was in full effect and I couldn’t go out to the fabric store. I’m still trying my best to stay out of public places even if the rules are laxer now, because I don’t want to catch the plague even if everyone in my goddamn city thinks and acts like the problem is over already. Even if they’re all wearing masks, even if they’re staying 6 feet apart, I still don’t want to risk it. I will stay inside until health experts give the all clear, and when that day comes, then I will buy some fleece and make a plush.

 Make An Enamel Pin: I ACTUALLY DID THIS ONE. TWICE! Halfway through quarantine, I was feeling anxious and depressed about my job and how they were planning to have me work with the public despite climbing infection rates and positive covid cases. I didn’t quit then, but in a desperate move to try and become self-sufficient, I went to madebycooper and made two enamel pins based on some butterfly dragons I drew last year. They’re on my etsy store now! I even went out of my way to open a P.O. box just to start a small business! I haven’t sold a single pin yet, and I’m actually really nervous to sell my first because I don’t trust the efficiency of the postal system thanks to the actions of the GOP that really screwed them over this year! (If you would like to see my enamel pins, click here!)

 Read One Book A Month: I did this! With dragon books I bought a couple years back! In fact, I read FOURTEEN dragon books, and still have more books for next year to read! The 14 books I read this year were:

 The Hive Queen

The Poison Jungle

Wings Of Fire Legends: Dragonslayer

Dealing With Dragons

Searching For Dragons

Calling on Dragons

Talking to Dragons

The Bronze Dragon Codex

The Brass Dragon Codex

The Black Dragon Codex

The Red Dragon Codex

The Silver Dragon Codex

Dragon Strike, and

Hatching Magic

 To be honest, I had read The Red Dragon Codex years ago when it first came out, but completely forgotten what it was about. I remembered liking it, and I knew the reading level was on the lower side, but the whole dragon codex series was pretty good! So far, the Silver dragon codex was my favorite, and black dragon codex was probably the worst! Hatching Magic was also really slow and bad and had plot points that went nowhere, but the book was written in the 80s, so I don’t know what I expected. The Dealing with Dragons series was very charming and great for the most part, save for one line in the last book that really rubbed me the wrong way, and all the Wings of Fire Books go above and beyond in this third arc. The second legends book could be a little tighter, though (sky and wren are the best duo and I want a book solely about them, but I honest to god do not care about leaf and ivy’s stories.)

 Write one Page of any story every day/ complete at least one fic: I… did this? Okay, I kinda cheated near the end of the year. I was keeping up the one page a day thing for the first four months, but then the world went to shit and my schedule and habits got disrupted and I fell off my good track record. I completed 7 out of roughly 12 one-shots I had planned for this year (my goal WAS supposed to be one short a month, but… you know how it happens) I kept trying to catch up on this goal all year, but the days kept piling up…. Until November hit. I managed to write over 250 pages for Nanowrimo, and I consider this goal a win. 365 pages of fiction in total, which averages out to about one a day~. SHUT UP IT COUNTS.

 Learn Python or C# for the game I want to make: Another goal I didn’t have the mental energy to commit to this year. Truly a mystery to where all our willpower went in 2020.

 Fully Finish Scripting Ghost Switch: still haven’t done this one yet! The Snowdin arc is completely planned, but I just haven’t gotten around to getting the other areas. I’m not worried, though. I know all the major plot points I gotta hit, it’s just weaving them together in a way that flows nice is the final task. I’m not too worried though. I don’t expect to finish the Snowdin arc for another year and a half, at the bare minimum.

 And my last goal of 2020, Boost My Patreon. I did this at the beginning of the year, but then very intentionally stopped about a third of the way through. It didn’t sit right with me to tell you guys to donate to me when suddenly EVERYONE was financially strained from layoffs or being furloughed. I told my patrons the same, and if you ever need to stop donating to me to take care of yourself first, then by all means, please do. I would feel much better knowing you’re using your money to see yourself fed and housed instead of given to me (where it is pretty much only used to buy gas for my car, honestly)

 Welp! That was all my goals for 2020! I achieved 4 out of 10 goals plus 1 secret goal! Pretty much the same ratio as last year, but now this time I can blame all my failures on the pandemic! I don’t feel so bad about myself anymore~

 ON TO 2021!

 I have 11 goals for the new year, again some rolled over from this list, and some from even older years. They are, in no particular order;

 Read 12 new books (roughly 1 book a month)

Finish the first draft of 2019’s Nanowrimo project and rewrite it

Script TDV

Finish Scripting Ghost Switch

Build A Comic Buffer

Sew 1 Stuffed Animal

Finish 1 Song Comic

Make another Enamel Pin

Finish 2 short original comics (this one counts as 2 goals)

Finish the 5 remaining one-shot fics

 Now to go into depth on each one, more for my own sake, really. I want to know exactly what I have planned for each goal this year, and sometimes just looking at a short list doesn’t capture all the smaller details.

 1)Read 12 new books. Same as last year! I The only difference is I might not be able to make it all dragon-related books. (I try my hardest not to buy from amazon anymore, but half-price-books doesn’t always have the obscure stuff I’m looking for)

 2)Finish 2019’s nanowrimo project. If you read my 2019 year reflection, you’ll notice I said I wanted to do some original writing. And I did! The story I wrote for nanowrimo back then was a story I’ve been toying with since 2017, but it was only last year I finally got pen to paper. Now, you may find it odd that the keyword says “finish”. You may think, “but isn’t that what you’re supposed to do for nanowrimo?” and to that I say, WRONG! I wrote 50k words for nanowrimo, but the draft was only about halfway complete. I was kinda discouraged about what I had written last year, because I didn’t like how it was coming out, but I did manage to get it half done. Now it’s time for me to bite the bullet and just finish the thing so I can finally revise it and make it into something I DO like. (It’s still gonna be hella long, tho. That’s what I get for trying to write an epic fantasy, I guess.)

 3)Script TDV. TDV is the abbreviation of the game I want to make. I… still need to do so much for this project OTL… In addition to getting the story solidified, I still need to draw art and game assets, and learn how to code for it, both of which are no small task. I keep having some sort of new year’s goal related to this on my list, and every year I just don’t hit this one. Will 2021 be different?

 4)Finish Scripting Ghost Switch. (Or at the very least, get the waterfall arc completely written out). I have a plan to break this down into simpler steps, by focusing on just one arc for a month or two. Every major arc has 2 to 3 parts, broken up by flashbacks, and if I can just finish one section a month, then I should have the entire thing scripted by the end of the year. It’s not a difficult pace, but seeing if I stick with it will be the real challenge, as it is will all my goals it seems.

 5)Build a Comic Buffer: I’m actually working on this one right now! Since I paid off my last loan and got a new job this year, my current Patreon goals are kind of out of date. They had all been centered around me paying off that last loan, and working towards full-time employment, but those are both completed now! So instead, I would love to get to a place where my patrons could read pages at least a week ahead, and to do that, I need to build a buffer. And since I’m working 5 full days a week now, I can’t afford to fall behind. But you can’t fall behind if you constantly stay ahead! I would like to have… a 10 to 12 page buffer. That’s roughly 3 months’ worth of pages to always have on hand in case I get swamped with work, or something. Right now I currently have a buffer of 3, which will cover me for half a January, which is better than not having anything at all, but still not the best. (ultimately, I would love to have a buffer so big, I could queue them up for the whole year. Wouldn’t that be something?)

 6) Sew one stuffed animal: same as last year. ASSUMING the plague gets under control in 2021, I don’t expect to get to this goal until the summer at the earliest.

 7)Finish 1 song comic: I have 7 song comics planned. One is a gift, one possibly for wandersong, one is a collab that’s currently in the works, but I’m waiting on a friend to do their part before I can continue mine, 2 are UT related, and 2 (well, technically 3, but one is the collab) are KH related. It’s one of the UT ones that will probably get finished, if I’m being honest. It’s completely story boarded, and now I just need to ink and color it. I would like to get it done for UT’s 6th birthday, since I made a song comic on the fly for the anniversary this year, and it was fun, and I’d like to do it again! So, look forward to that next september~

 8) Make another enamel pin: I have a dolphin design I’d like to make because dolphins are cute, if not little murder machines. (need to save up some expendable income first, tho. THESE THINGS AIN’T CHEAP TO MAKE.)

 9 and 10) start and finish 2 original short comics: I’ve got some comic ideas I want to do, but I need to get them written out first. I don’t think either would be too long. Each maybe a couple “episode’s” length, if envisioned on a website like webtoons or tapas. They’d both be heavy in allegory, but not overly drawn out (hopefully)

 11)And lastly, Finish the 5 remaining one-shots I had planned for this year but never got around to. I’m going to try to write one every other month. Pure self-indulgent shipping fluff. If I finish these 5, then maybe I’ll ask other people for more prompts and ideas, which I’ve never done before. We’ll see how it goes~

 Also, Like last year, I’d like to look at everything that’s happened to me this year, though to be honest, I’m not sure how much I remember/how accurate it’ll be. God, I don’t even remember what January was like. Who was I back then? Who were we all back then? I guess I’ll start my yearly retrospective in march because, heh, god we ALL know what started happening in march.

 Firstly, I paid off my last student loan! Then a week later on March 18th, I drove half an hour out of my city to adopt a cat and I love her and it was the best day of this year for me. Spring break is just beginning this weekend, but the attendance at the zoo is shockingly low this year. Apparently, a lot of people watch the news, and they’re all taking precautions about social distancing. I wasn’t too disappointed. Fewer people at the zoo, the easier my job is for me. I was looking forward to getting some free overtime on spring break, since I’m broke after paying off that loan, and I’m a cat parent now and have a furry child to feed. Monday rolls around. My manager calls me and tells me that the zoo is going into lockdown until further notice. I worry for the birds I take care of, but understand it’s for everyone’s safety.

 For two months I sleep in and watch way too much YouTube. I join a couple writing discords. I have nightmares about my birds escaping their enclosure and I dreamed one of the security guards I really like at the zoo gets covid and has to go to the ER. I woke up really upset.

 I started and finished BBS for the first time. I also replayed and finished KH2 final mix for the first time. It had been about 5 years since I last played KH2 before my PS2 died, and it was like coming home~ I also finished tearaway, and played and beat Ryme for a second time (which I can’t remember if I did that last year, but it was a fun experience regardless)

 Mid-June, and I’m allowed to start going back to work, be it on reduced hours. The zoo is still closed to the public, but I’m loving it! I get to work with full-time keepers and do full-time keeper things. It’s so much fun not having to deal with the public. August starts to creep up and there’s a rumor that the zoo will be opening to the public again, which I’m not stoked about. I don’t want to go back to standing in one exhibit all day, talking to guests who don’t listen to the rules or to me. 2 of my younger coworkers (who had both only been there a couple of months) get chosen for full-time positions, while I get passed up which really pisses me off. My other 2 coworkers quit when they think we might be reopening because they cannot risk catching the virus due to at-risk family. I am now the last keeper in the interactive bird exhibit.

 I keep working, the zoo slowly opens, but with me as the only interpreter in our interactive bird exhibit, we can’t open because I can’t run the entire exhibit by myself. So my exhibit stays closed. September comes and goes, and then October starts. Now there is more serious talk of opening my exhibit before the end of the year because the zoo expects to bring in larger crowds for the Christmas lights event in November/December. I ask if I get hazard pay or health insurance since I’m doing full-time hours until they hire more staff. They say no.

 I immediately start searching for a new job feeling incredibly indignant/hurt/slighted/insulted/used/abused/ALL the negative feelings at my job. I had been there for 4 years, but never got a chance to work full time, while the two newest hires who had only been there 2 months both got moved up. I can’t help but feel they were holding one mistake I made two years ago against me and never wanted to give me a chance. (that, or they knew I was reliable when it came to showing up for work in such a volatile position that sees a lot of new faces, and they didn’t want to bother going through the process of hiring someone new) I don’t want to risk my life working around guests who don’t wash their hands and don’t properly distance. I don’t want to gamble with my health when they won’t offer me health insurance because I’m part time.

 Mid October, I get an interview for a full time job and get hired on the spot. I peace out at the zoo 2 weeks later, literally 3 days before they planned to open my exhibit to the public. It was a close call for me to escape before they opened to the public (and pettiness was only partially the reason I dipped out so close to opening). Sorry new hires who are now in charge of the bird feeding exhibit. I taught you the best I could in the short time I had. If the managers are struggling with what to do with one less person, I can’t say I feel bad. I can only hope they delayed opening/closed you down again for your own safety. You are not lightbulbs. I really hope the higher ups stop considering you as replaceable as one. Will I go back to the zoo to visit? Probably. But not for a year at least.

 I started my new job the very next day after I quit the zoo, and have been there ever since, (which isn’t that long yet, tbh. Christmas day was my 2 month anniversary). It’s full time, but it’s also a small business, and everyone’s hours this year have been on the short side due to the plague. I understand, though. They don’t want us to work if they can’t afford to pay us. Everyone is nice enough, though some people smoke and it’s hard to avoid them with how frequently we have to go in and out, and I really don’t want to get lung cancer, sorry not sorry, please and thank you. Also, with such a small team, gossip is certainly harder to go undetected, so it’s a relief knowing people don’t talk behind one another’s backs.

 I participated and beat my 4th nanowrimo in a row, I made TWO apple crisps on thanksgiving, and made baklava on Christmas and both of these recipes were my first time making them, and they both came out adequately! I voted the first day of early voting, and I did an art trade/collab with two of my friends for my birthday! (normally we would have done monthly “art days” where we get together and do art projects for fun because we’re adults and we can spend our time together however we want, but the plague said otherwise this year) We drew pokemon and it was fun! (hopefully I can show you all the results soon. At the time of writing, I’m still waiting for the last two colored parts to get back to me)

 I reached 100 pages on my undertale comic, and finish the first arc out of…! (im not sure. It’s either going to be 4 or 5, I haven’t decided yet)

 Over all, I managed to stay healthy as far as I know. I wasn’t as productive as I wanted to be this year, but then again, who was? (don’t answer that. I don’t need that kind of comparison in my life right now)

 Will 2021be any better? Honestly? I don’t think so. Not right away, at least. Just because a new year is about to start does not mean the slate is completely wiped clean. The change of the calendar year doesn’t magically make all our current problems disappear. Covid will still be here and cases will still climb when January starts. Small business will still be strained when the month rolls over, police will still go on murdering innocent civilians and getting away scot free, amazon and disney will still be monopolizing all consumer goods and media, and I can’t help but feel like there’s an impending shit show about to go down on inauguration day. I do hope things will get better, though. It’ll be arduous and unpleasant, but I do hope things will improve, because sometimes hoping is all you can do.

 Good night.

[lonestarbabe]

Mom’s In Town

T.K. struggles when his mom comes into town. The 126 and Carlos help him through, and prod him to make amends with his mother. (AO3)

---

“You didn’t tell me that your mom was in town,” Owen says. His tone is casual, but T.K. can feel the tension radiating from his father. The team stiffens, and they try to mind their own business, but T.K. doesn’t doubt they’ll hang onto every word, so he’s got to be careful with what he says. Just like he always was just before the divorce, during it, and then after. He’d always been sure to say the right the things to the right parent. He excels at splitting himself into different people based on what the situation requires.

His mom has been in town for just a few hours, and T.K. feels like a little kid again, standing between his parents’ fighting, feeling completely unheard. Gwyneth and Owen have learned how to play nice for his sake, but the old feelings always return in specks, built up and matted together like lint from the dryer. His parents are scarily cordial around T.K., but he knows that they talk shit about each other when he isn’t around. They had too many unresolved issues in their marriage to have zero unresolved issues during their divorce. The worst part is that T.K. knows that his parents still have gushy, fond centers for each other. They don’t hate each other. They just act like they hate each other because it is easier to be hateful than to acknowledge that they’d always love each other, even if tragedy made it impossible for them to ever be together again.

Owen was the one to mess everything up, but he’s a hero, and there’s not much T.K.’s ever been able to criticize Owen on that doesn’t somehow end up being about 9/11. Everything between them is about 9/11, but 9/11 is also something that they don’t mention expect to honor all those lives that were lost. Because nothing he says can compare to 9/11, T.K. finds himself being angrier with his mom about everything that went wrong with his childhood, even though she’s the one who actually gave a damn when, by some freak accident, he won his second grade spelling bee or when he starred in his fourth grade play about the planets or when he had ambitions of being a tennis star when all the sixth grade boys at his cushy private school thought that tennis was cool.

To keep his hands busy, T.K. gets to work washing the firetruck, and even as he’s handling this big machine, he still feels like that eight-year-old using his toy firetruck to put out the burning anxiety that raised voices have always caused. “I didn’t know that you needed to know everything mom does,” T.K. says with a terseness to his voice. It’s about as angry as he ever gets with Owen, especially since Owen’s diagnosis. It feels wrong to yell at someone who was sick.

“It just seems like something you’d mention.” Owen’s voice is still so casual, and it grates on T.K.’s nerves because he can feel himself being put in the middle and asked to show his loyalty. For nearly twenty years, he’s been asked covertly to take sides, and despite his bitterness, he’s almost always taken Owen’s.

“I didn’t ask her to come.” T.K. won’t admit that his mom being there felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He’d missed her. They weren’t that close, not like he and his dad, but sometimes, he still just wanted to be close to her and smell the perfume that she still wore even after all these years.

“It would be okay if you did.” That line was from the “How to Be Nice About Your Ex in front of Your Kid” handbook, and T.K. saw right through it with a stinging skepticism he always had when it came to his parents.

“I don’t know why she bothered. I probably won’t have time to see her, anyway.” She could enjoy the sights of Austin without him because seeing her would be too complicated. She’d be pissed off, but she’d been disappointed by Strand men enough to know not to get her hopes up.

“You can’t ignore you mom, son.”

“Yeah, she’s kind of hard to ignore.” The truth was that T.K. wouldn’t actually not see her. He wasn’t that much of a jerk as much as he wished he was. He couldn’t stay away if he tried.

“Why don’t you go to dinner one night? Bring Carlos along. Your mom would love meeting him.” She’d subtly hinting that she wanted to meet Carlos for weeks. T.K. had mostly brushed her suggestions off, but Carlos might be a good buffer. He was great with moms from what T.K. had seen. No one charmed middle aged ladies better.

“Yeah, maybe,” T.K. says before getting back to work. He doesn’t want that conversation to linger because there’s too many blisters that might just pop open if he pokes too hard. Even when Owen gets the message to let the conversation drop, T.K. still feels a grumpiness come over him.

---

Paul is the first of the 126 to bring up T.K.’s foul mood. He broaches the topic carefully, giving T.K. that knowing look, the one that says, “I’m not going to push you but prepare for some light prodding.” T.K. almost runs away when he sees that look, but he’s in the middle of lifting a weight, so he doesn’t have much choice but to stick around. He groans, and he’s not sure if it’s from heaving the weight up or the heaviness of what he knows Paul is about to say.

“My parents got divorced when I was young too, you know,” Paul says. “It sucks.”

T.K. sits up on the bench, and he really doesn’t want to be part of the divorced parents’ club. He acts like he’s over it. Pretends that it was best for everyone. Deludes himself into thinking that the divorce cured a lot of heartache. Maybe it helped his parents, but for T.K., the divorce was didn’t make anything easier for T.K. “It sucked more when they were fighting all the time. The divorce was a relief.” Relief was the wrong word, but it felt like the right thing to say, the thing that a well-adjusted kid of divorce would say. The divorce didn’t change anything. It just made things quieter, and the quiet only made T.K. feel more alone.

“Yeah, I get that, man. My dad was a new person once he divorced my mom. Happier. Mom took more time, but eventually, she was happier too.” The issue with T.K.’s parents was that no one was happier. The divorce left them all sullen and heartbroken.

“What about you? Were you happier?” T.K. could’ve been happier post-divorce, maybe, but for whatever reason, he’d never stopped being angry about it. After 9/11, he stopped feeling like he had a family.

“It took time. Less time than my mom but more than my dad. My sister took the longest of us all, but we figured it out. We learned to be a family again without being a family together. For a long time, I thought that coming out as trans would send ripples through my family and destroy the steadiness we’d finally found, but I realized that I couldn’t run away from myself to please them.”

“That’s an unfair burden to carry.” T.K. comments. He doesn’t like where this conversation is heading, but he doesn’t want to invalidate Paul’s feelings, especially because he doesn’t know exactly what trauma Paul has faced for being trans.

Paul gives a half-smile. “Yeah, but it turned out okay in the end. It took a little adjustment, but we survived it.”

“Sometimes surviving is all you can do.” T.K. picks up a weight and starts doing bicep curls. He looks down at the pendant hanging around his neck. “After 9/11, my dad never really came back to us. He got obsessed with the job, and to be a part of his life, I had to become obsessed with the job as well.” T.K. realizes that he’s said more than he wanted to, and he tries to backtrack. If only you could press the undo button on the things you say. “What I mean is that we worked out our shit.”

Paul quirks an eyebrow. “Is that so?” but he doesn’t comment on it any farther.

---

Judd is blunter when he brings it up. “You angry at your dad?” T.K. looks up sharply. They’re just supposed to be playing foosball, not taking a deep dive into T.K.’s psychological state. Everyone seems to have thoughts about how he must be feeling.

T.K. plays it cool because getting angry will be a dead giveaway that he’s defensive and when he’s defensive, he’s probably avoiding the full truth. “Nope. We get along great. We couldn’t spend as much time together as we do if we didn’t. I’m not sure why you think something is wrong.”

“You can get along great and still be angry. Feelings are complex.” Cowboy Judd was now an expert on feelings.

Judd doesn’t stop there. Of course, he doesn’t. Judd doesn’t stop until he’s drilled it through his head what he wants you to hear. He’s not about subtlety. “You know I love my dad, but we haven’t always gotten along. There use to be a time when we’d bicker all the time. Couldn’t be in the same room without fighting.”

“What changed?”

“I don’t know. I guess we stopped dancing around each other and we started saying what we were really mad about. No point in keeping it hidden.”

“My dad and I don’t even fight, not really.”

“Doesn’t mean you don’t have stuff to fight over.”

“We’re fine Judd.”

“You’ve been tense ever since your mom came into town.”

“Then, maybe she’s the one I’m mad at.”

“Maybe or maybe she’s just the one you take your anger out on.”

T.K.’s defenses go up. “Whatever.” Judd gets the memo, and he goes back to focusing on the game.

Judd hits the ball, putting it into the goal.  “Game over, pretty boy. You can’t cheat your way into winning.”

“I don’t cheat.”

Judd laughs, “Sure you don’t, spin master.” Judd gets more serious. “You can’t run from who you are forever either.”

“I don’t try to,” But Judd’s words stuck with him. Sometimes the cowboy could pretty damn wise. Must’ve been Grace’s influence. She rounded out Judd’s edges. Judd and T.K. they were a lot alike- hot blooded and quick to fire up. They used their passion to be better at their jobs, but too often, their passion burned them.

---

Dinner with his mom starts as it always does. They hug and Gwyneth kisses him on the cheek, smiling broadly and saying how handsome he looks. Then, T.K. introduces Carlos to his mom, and she fawns over him, look positively delighted that T.K. found such a nice man. She’d hated Alex, and most of T.K.’s boyfriends before that.

They sit at the table, and T.K. can feel his anxiety rising up the longer they sit. Carlos is great. He’s filling the gaps of the conversation and the perfect balance of cheerful to T.K.’s sullen. Gwyn can’t get enough. Carlos has her laughing, and it sends a bitter jolt through T.K. that he’s the only one not having fun.

“So, Tyler, how’s your job been?” Owen had gotten T.K. in the divorce while Gwyn had gotten Tyler.

“What do you care?” T.K. snaps.

Hurt fills her face, and Carlos looks alarm at the shift in mood. “I’m your mom. Of course, I care.”

“You hate that I’m a firefighter.” She thought his job was too dangerous, especially after he got shot, but mostly, he figures that she was mad that he’d move across the country with his dad instead of staying behind with her.

She shakes her head, her smiling becoming tense, but she’s obviously trying to control her emotions. She’s an expert of controlling when she wants to. “That’s not true. It’s what you’ve always wanted to be.”

“Yeah, but you think it’s only because of dad. You’re bitter that I chose what he wanted instead of what you wanted,” he’s really lashing out now, and he can’t help the words rolling off his tongue. He’s doing the equivalent of yelling, but his voice is softer as to not cause a scene in the restaurant.

“All I’ve ever wanted was for you to do what made you happy. I worried you were just being a firefighter to please your dad. I never had a problem with you choosing to be like him. I fell in love with your dad in part because he followed his passions and wanted to help people.”

T.K. rolls his eyes. “Yeah, right.”

“I like those things about T.K. too,” Carlos chirps, trying to ease some of the tension, and it only does enough that T.K. shuts up, trying to get through the dinner. He gets through. Just barely, and not without getting in a few snippy remarks.

Carlos is seething after the dinner. They get back to Carlos’ apartment, and T.K. just wants to blow off some steam, but Carlos isn’t in a kissing mood. “Why were you such an asshole to your mom? You’d never yell at your dad like that.” T.K. doesn’t want to have to keep defending himself to everyone he knows. They don’t know what it was like back in New York when he was a kid trying to balance out his parents’ wishes, and always having to be a disappointment no matter what he did.

“Because she doesn’t give a damn about what I want. She’s upset that I chose to be a firefighter instead of a lawyer or whatever else she wanted me to be.”

“She only asked you how your job was, and you flipped out! You got mad at her when she asked anything about you.”

“That’s how my parents are! Everything they say is a chess game trying to make me choose a side. Every time they ask about my interests or what I want, they’re really just trying to test who I love more. That question about New York… that was her trying to get me to say that I like her home better than his.” She had asked if T.K. missed the city. T.K. said he didn’t, but T.K. would always miss the city, at least a little. He loves Austin, and Austin has healed him, or started to. It has given him a family, and friends, and Carlos, but New York would always give him a special kind of rush. He grew up there, and it would always feel like home even if it wasn’t always where his heart was.

“Maybe she’s not the one you’re angry with.”

“Have you been talking to Judd?”

“What?” Carlos sounds confused.

“Judd said basically the same thing.” Having a family meant a lot of meddling.

“When there’s a pattern, you shouldn’t ignore it,” Carlos says, voice still biting.

“Just because I’m not as close to my mother as you are with yours, it doesn’t mean I have some bigger issue that I need to work out. Sometimes, parents and children just don’t get along.”

“I mean that maybe she’s a stand in for the person you want to yell at.”

“Yeah?” T.K. seethed. “When did you get your psychology degree?”

“I’ll drop it if you answer this one question honestly.”

“What’s that?”

“Why did you become a firefighter?” Now, that is a loaded question, one he couldn’t answer without reaffirming some of what Carlos was suggesting. T.K. doesn’t want to think about the truth. He doesn’t want to vocalize it and start to unpack all those feelings he’s been packed away since he was a little kid.

“Because I wanted to save people.��� He did want to save people. When he sees a person in trouble, he wants to save them, even if it means sacrificing himself, especially kids. When he sees a kid in danger, he wants to keep him safe because no kid should feel unsafe, unloved, or unworthy of being helped.

“You could’ve chosen a dozen career paths if that saving people the main reason, but it’s not.”

“I don’t know, Carlos. It was convenient.”

“Convenient? Really? It doesn’t seem to me that you do things because they’re convenient.” The anxiety was revving up in T.K. again. All those repressed thoughts, bubbling in his consciousness.

“It’s easier to be mad at her,” T.K. admits.

“Why?” Carlos presses.

“I wanted my dad to love me, but he left. He checked out, but she was always there. I knew she would be there. I knew if I yelled at her, she wasn’t going to go away. When my mom got upset, she’d get mad, but she never left. When dad got mad, he couldn’t’ t handle it and would make an excuse about having to work. It wasn’t his fault. He was going through a lot and a bratty kid didn’t help anything, but I always worried that one day, he wouldn’t come back, so I learned not to yell at him. I learned to avoid his triggers. I learned how to keep him in my life.”

Carlos sighs, some of the anger dropping from his face, “You can’t keep that all bottled up, T.K., and it doesn’t help anyone to keep being angry at your mom about something that has nothing to do with her.”

“I know that. It’s just so fucking messy in my head.” He’s starting to feel sick to his stomach. He needs to talk to his mom. “Can you do me a favor?”

Carlos brushes a hand down T.K.’s arm, “What do you need?”

“Can you take me to my mom’s hotel.”

For the first time since they got to Carlos’ apartment, Carlos smiles. “That can be arranged.”

Carlos drops T.K. off and parks the car, giving T.K. the chance to have a few minutes alone with his mom. He nervously knocks on the door. She opens it, looking surprised to see him. “Tyler? What are you doing here?”

He throws his arms around her and drops his head to her shoulder. “I’m so sorry mom for treating you like shit all these years.” She ushers him into the hotel room and sits him down on the chair.

“It’s okay,” she says, combing her hand through his hair, which only makes T.K. feel worse for the way he’s treated her. He knows she’ll never hold it against him. She’ll love him just the same, and he wants to try to be a better son for her. He wants to let her into his life and mend all the bitterness he unfairly feels against her. He knew he’d need to talk to her, and his dad. It would take time, but maybe somehow someway, his mom being in town wouldn’t have to feel like bad news because it was good to feel close to her. “I’ll always be by your side.”