#like... make me think bout their mundane routine to make these characters feel more /real/

[razrbomb]

OBSCURE HEADCANONS.

Reze

what they smell like. cheap floral perfume from the konbini &. kerosene. after her shift from the café, she sometimes smells of coffee.

how they sleep. sleeping position. schedule. reze is definitely a night owl; probably survives off 4-5 hours of sleep per night ( on a good day ). she goes to sleep in the AM &. wakes up just in time for her shift at work — the café opens around 10:00 in the morning, by the way. typically, it doesn’t take her long to fall asleep ( give it about 5-10 minutes before she starts counting sheep ); however, reze is quick to wake up, as she is a sensitive sleeper easily disturbed by sudden noise or sensations. her bedroom has to be engulfed in darkness; no music or no other background noise lest she lie awake &. takes a longer time to fall asleep. she is always on her toes that even sleep, a natural state of vulnerability, doesn’t deter her from being quick to go on the offense. which is why she sleeps on her back, arms crossed over chest; think: the stereotypical dracula pose inside a coffin. as for nightwear, she is partial to wearing oversized shirts that goes past her knees; &. nothing else.

what music they enjoy. industrial, shoegaze, alternative rock, dream pop, breakbeat, &. electronica; her favorite bands &. music artists being NIN, b/jork, a/dam f, this m/ortal coil — anyone that can create ethereal soundscapes that makes her brain buzz &. shut off her thoughts; all vibes, no thoughts ( r.i.p reze, you would have loved t.a.t.u. though ). reze essentially has two moods: incredibly loud &. chaotic akin to static in her ears, or something more somber &. dreamlike that reflects her waves of emotions. overall, she loves distortion &. being able to feel a wide array of emotions purely from the music alone, the true universal language that surpasses language barriers.

how much they spend time getting ready each morning. give it about half an hour before reze goes out that door. of course, the typical bathroom routine takes less than 15 minutes; all she really has to do is brush her teeth &. take a quick cold shower ( cold water because not only is it good for her skin, but it tightens up her muscles &. jolts her awake ). so fresh, so clean after using cheap liquid body wash from the konbini. afterwards, she brushes her hair before styling it in a messy bun, putting effort into appearing effortless. ( you think her long bangs fall to the side naturally? hah! ). &. if she feels like it, she ends her morning ritual by applying a very light coating of make-up — mascara &. a simple cat eye on her top-eyelid to accentuate her natural feline-like features. that last part, that vested interest in maintaining a pretty appearance, truly became a daily habit after she met denji.

favorite thing to collect. cute mugs to drink her coffee with. though, she has a meager collection: 5 in total, all in display on her kitchenette’s counter top. her favorite is probably the light purple mug with a black cat decal on the front.

left or right handed. right-handed !

favorite sports. reze does not like spectating any sport; she finds the idea of watching other people play a game she can’t participate in to be incredibly boring &. tedious. as for active participation, she does enjoy swimming, funny enough ( seeing how water is like her kryptonite against her powers ). swimming &. being around water, in its wide endless vastness beyond her understanding, have always felt like a freeing experience for her, like she could forget about her troubles the moment she disappears into the wet embrace of the sea or the pool. had she lived an honest student life, she would have probably joined the swim team in high school.

favorite touristy thing to do when traveling. enjoying the local cuisine of the area, &. taking pictures of the sights &. the boring, mundane every day life of the people that live there. it’s like a scrapbook of the million of different lives she could have lived.

favorite kind of weather. she has really enjoyed the the warmth of tokyo in comparison to the unforgiving cold of her motherland in russia. it’s unfortunate that she burns so easily under the sun, because she loves the summer; specifically, on those sunny days when the heat feels refreshing &. there’s a nice languid breeze to alleviate the hot weather. all blue skies &. sunshine. adding layers of sunscreen on her face is an extra step to her morning routine when it’s her favorite time of year.

weird / obscure fear they have. tight spaces. anything that is reminiscent of a deprivation chamber; anywhere where she feels trapped, vulnerable, &. unable to escape from.

the carnival / arcade game they always win without fail. reze is a beast in rhythm games &. shooters. anything that requires perfect hand-eye coordination. she is definitely the girl that wins all the prizes for her dates at the local festival.

thank you, @primordyalsoul, for tagging me :* <3 tagging: @shinanai ( for denji &. dabi ), @violevin, @ymagishi​, @deathleads​ / @curseleads​, @sinwrote​ ( pick anyone you want to talk about ) + everyone on my dash ~ if you see this, do it!

[kyndaris]

Life is Dull, But it Can be Mundane!

If there is one word that can be used to describe me, it would be: predictable. For many of those that live in a first-world country, life is essentially mundane routine. We go to work. We come back home from work. We do a few things for a few hours before going to bed. And then we repeat it all the next day. True, each day might have its own different set of routines, but over the course of a week, a month or a year - nothing much had changed. The cycle continues ad nauseum. 

For those familiar with my short stories, it was the very thing I was railing against in one of my first short stories: Gears in the Walls. Of course, in that particular tale, I took it a step further and made my character go insane.

Still, there’s something to be said for having a set schedule. It pays to know the script beforehand so that the actors know their marks and what to say at a particular time. Often, my days involve quite a bit of the same. Every second day, I’ll wash my hair after work. On the days that I don’t, I eat an apple and yoghurt. After those rituals are done, I hunker down and chip away at my lengthy novel-length projects before dinner. My target goal is about 200-300 words each day. Sometimes I’ll be particularly inspired and somehow crank out 500 to 600 words in the short timeframe that I’ve allocated myself.

After dinner, I allocate an hour and a half (sometimes two) to the playing of whichever video game that is on my ‘to-do list.’ At the point of writing this blog post, I’m still trapped in Trails of Cold Steel 3, but I’m eagerly anticipating the release of Biomutant in another week and a few days. Once the clock hits 9pm or 9:15pm, I head back to my computer to watch whatever show on Netflix or Disney+ that I’ve decided warrants my attention. 

That way, I can do all the things that I kind of want to do without fearing that I’ve dropped the ball on my hobbies or that I’m tossing my money down the drain when it comes to the subscription streaming services I use. To be perfectly honest, sometimes I ponder whether it might be worth it to pirate all the things I want to watch. As good as the Netflix library is, there are still so many others shows that I want to watch - if only subscriptions didn’t make it feel so prohibitive.

One of these days, I’ll need to invest on a VPN so that I can change my location and get access to everything that’s available on the two subscription services that I do have.

When I told my friend that my life was utterly dull and incredibly routine, she was astounded that I was able to keep it all up. As if setting aside time every day to do a little writing, a little gaming and a little TV show watching was unique.

What? Are you telling me that nobody else does what I do? What in the world do other people do in their spare time? Just watch YouTube until the early hours of the morning? Read FanFiction until late? Get through a decent chunk of gameplay before calling it a night? Look after a small child? I’m sure there are plenty of things that other people do that can help explain where the time goes. This is just me simply being a very time conscious individual and giving myself strict instructions on what I should do at any given time. It’s like working even when I’m not working.

KYNDARIS, GIVE YOURSELF SOME SLACK! YOU AREN’T GETTING PAID FOR ANY OF THIS SO BEING SPONTANEOUS IS OKAY! Say ‘yes’ to going out for dinner once in a while with real life friends! Don’t be annoyed that your perfect evening has been ruined and you’ll never finish your stories within your non-existent deadline. 

I think what she thought was amazing (and for me, it was part of the everyday) was that through my organisational skills, I was able to complete a few of my set goals instead of burning out too early or losing interest midway through. But then, of course, how are people expected to finish anything if you don’t chip away at it? And how are you meant to chip away at it if you don’t time manage all of that? 

Why was something I thought completely normal so strange or difficult for other people?

But maybe what I perceive as banal is completely different to how others might view my accomplishments. I’m very notorious for underselling my achievements - seeing them as part of the norm. After all, the way I play many video games are the same. You’ll never see me doing too much in the end-game because I’d have already completed all the side quests before the credits rolled. Often, I’d be overlevelled and the final bosses fall to my blade with ease.

It helps, I think, that I’m quite methodical in how I play. Exploration of all the question marks in my surrounding area, talking to every NPC that is worth a damn, and hoarding items that might be of worth. Though progress might initially seem slow, by the time the game has reached its conclusion, most of the trophies are sitting cozy in my cabinet and if I really wanted to be a completionist, there would only be a few things more I need to go out of my way to get.

In any case, routine is very much how I live my life. It’s the bedrock on which I function from day to day. While it can be tedious, it gives me a sense of direction and helps me accomplish the few goals I’ve set for myself. And to be perfectly frank, I never gave much thought on how I lived my life until my friend thought it was the most amazing accomplishment she had ever witnessed in her life.

If there is one thing I’d like to say to any of those that are struggling to do something creative it’s this: take each day as they come. Make sure to give yourself time to do what you want and make good use of it. It might be easy to say that ‘you’re too tired’ or that ‘you don’t feel inspired’ but I’ve found that sometimes by pushing through, you unlock that nexus of creativity that was lurking within you this whole time. 

Those in jobs or roles that require you to write or be creative in some form or another should know what I mean. If you’re a graphic designer, you don’t wait until the next bout of inspiration comes along before you do a project you’ve been commissioned for. That’s now how business works. And if you want to get paid, you can’t afford to sit on your arse for an hour, a day, a week because of the general air of malaise you feel. 

If you’re a journalist, you spitball ideas until one sticks and then start drafting and redrafting something until it sounds like it’s a great and awesome opinion piece. 

So, if you don’t how to start something the easiest thing you can do is just that: Start. Even if it sounds horrendous and it’s not the perfect brush stroke or the perfect sentence, keep going. After all, Rome wasn’t built in a day. And, as an amateur writer that constantly wants to delete everything that they’ve written on really bad days, knowing that you can go back and edit makes it better in the end. 

[kitschcats]

Giving Meaning to a Whole Bunch of Completely Doable Wants that I Just Never Got Around to Doing

I’m going to be reposting some older pieces that never made it here. (22/8/20)

A little under a year since my last entry. The hilarious irony of the way I ended my aforementioned last post here, all faith and sickening optimism and this ridiculous newfound enthusiasm to be writing again and all these other words and phrases synonymous with bullshit, is, quite frankly, pretty poetic, if you look at it a certain way. It makes me think of the short-livedness of those fleeting (and painfully rare) bouts of motivation. Where do they go after they're gone (and before they've had a chance to serve their purpose, because that's the way it always is, isn't it), having vanished in a puff of smoke? Where do they even come from in the first place? Why is it so hard for anyone to get anything done? (Mac's taking a class on motivational psychology this sem. I wonder if he'd know. I should probably ask him.)

As it appears, a lot can happen in a year. In the least amount of words possible, I started living with my best friend of 7 years and boyfriend of 6 months (at the time of writing), moving out from home and halfway across town in the process, started religiously inhaling poison gas equivalent on a regular basis (i.e. several times a day), developed several other just-as-bad habits, went to Langkawi for the first time and got absolutely blackout shitfaced barai mabuk for the first time, underwent body modification procedures that would horrify my grandma (sorry maktok) (yes I know it's going to be on my body forever) (no it didn't hurt that much) (it's a joke maktok it's supposed to be this meta-ironic acknowledgement of the throes of getting your first tattoo which is exactly what this experience was like for me too which yes again is going to be on my body forever) (yes maktok I love you too), experienced the singular 12 most spiritually-awakening hours of my life, and started school again just this summer (it sucks). But those are all entries for other days. (I promise.)

Today, I want to narrow my focus down towards how it's possible to simultaneously feel as if you've otherwise accomplished absolutely nothing else since. I mean yeah I finally got around to starting that art account I've been meaning to make since I first got my hands on Instagram all those years ago but I posted a drawing once during the peak of my enthusiasm about yet another creative pursuit and not another since. That's about as personally accomplished as I've ever felt since I graduated from high school and got a pat on the back about my O-Levels. Which is pretty sad.

It isn't exactly music to one's ears but allow me to indulge in self-sorrow. Allow me to pessimise (which post-quick Google search to verify my doubts I just found out was a word), allow me to wallow in regret and yearning and these ever-present insecurities of inadequacy and put in the simplest words possible, allow me to just feel sorry for myself. It's not like anyone apart from myself reads this anyway, unless you're the one odd stranger who just so happens to be peculiarly interested in the humdrum happenstances of my life (in updates of extremely random intervals), in which case hello odd stranger.

I have mixed feelings about social media. First, give me a chance to justify the relevancy of this statement towards the content of this entry. My thesis statement, if you will. I've been on and off the thing intermittently for the last few months now, and while I can't say I love it, I can't say I can keep myself away from it very long either. We have an extremely turbulent love-hate relationship, Instagram and I.

On one hand, it's the single gateway I have to most, if not all, of my casual friendships. I was never exactly the texting type, I hardly bothered with it when I could just opt for physical company (which I always did). Without that option I'm actually pretty terrible at maintaining relationships of any kind — something recent pandemic-related developments worldwide have forced me (like, grapple me in a chokehold and force-feed me my least favourite vegetables (with the vegetables being harsh realisation, in this case) type of force) to come to terms with. Instagram was, for a brief while, what temporarily helped me to bridge this gap.

And on the other side of the coin, it wore me out. That's right ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps, cross-eyed mosquitoes, bow-legged ants, and other variations thereupon: social media fatigue is a very real thing. Sometimes it just got too much for me to deal with. At one point I even stopped reading the news and just slammed all my doors shut to the world that existed outside of my own. This recurring theme quickly evolved (or de-volved?) into a repetitive cycle of delete, re-install, repeat. Kind of something like constantly getting back together with a toxic boyfriend that gaslights you like an unsuspecting frog in a frying pan. Or heroin.

Seeing everyone else in the world (at least as far as my social circle vicinity goes) get up to just about everything there is to get up to while I continued to dig myself an even deeper hole to help confine me to the mundanity of my daily, non-productive routine depressed me. At first I tried to pin it on the MCO situation, which was a thing a few months back. Things were weird, the new routines were alien, and it was a reasonable (and also convenient) excuse at the time. Until restrictions were relaxed, and I still found my metaphysical self lying face-down at the bottom of the pit I'd spent the last few months excavating myself.

At that point I tried to convince myself it was the nonstop peak-productivity no-breaks hustle culture bred by the disease of capitalism that I had deluded myself into believing all this while. I tried to convince myself that I deserved a break, that I just got caught up in unhealthy notions preached to me by a society that didn't care about me, that I let it all get to my head, my centre console. That I was doing completely fine on my own. That I was alright. That I was enough. And then I stopped believing.

I want to do things. I never stopped wanting to. I still want to write. I want to draw. I want to read. I want to learn. I want to teach. I want to get a job again, work on the side. I want to be able to make some extra income doing these things freelance. I want to give these desires meaning. I want something to show for all these wants. I want to make and do meaningful things. I want to make something with my own two hands, look at it when I'm done, and feel pride. I want to make. I want to create. And sure if I have the whole rest of my life ahead of me to do all these things, but why wait?

I want to do a lot of things. There's a lot I want to get done, and there's a lot that I'll have to do beforehand to get them done. I'm pretty upfront about that, and those goals have never really changed — only my means and motivations have. The Universe, oh so cold and cruel woe is myself, has cursed me with lots of ambition to do things and not much motivation to actually do things. My skill point for initiative is zero. I mean, just what did I think I deserved a break from? There's wanting, and then there's doing. And then there are another two kinds of doing, the second of which I have clearly neglected.

I'm no motivational speaker and I won't try to kid myself into believing I'm one. That wasn't even the point of writing this anyway, I just needed an outlet to finally be able to actually articulate these feelings of mine that I've been harbouring for the longest time because fuck knows I needed it. These could have all just been words for all I know, seeing as I'm picking up a pattern of suppressed optimism and hopefulness that was pretty damn similar to my last entry, but if nothing else, these words serve as acknowledgements. It's proof to myself of my own self-awareness, for if I ever start to have doubts again. I sure must be cripplingly insecure if I feel the need to justify myself to myself, huh?

Anyway, I'm far from perfect. I think it's a fact of life that everyone else is, too. As long as we're human, true, ultimate perfection can never truly be achieved. But I think that just adds all the more character to collective humanity. If, hypothetically, say I were perfect, I'd have my priorities set straight and I'd be studying for finals (which are, I would like to add, on Monday) right now, not lighting one up and thinking about how to end this one poem I'm trying to write. But hey. I'm human and junk.

[idontknowandidontcare]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

Myself

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Super Shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

Jane

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I think so.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Im 99.5% sure if she’s not drunk as well haha

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Tall Dark and Good Looking

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Nope, I have to ask her out in person apparently 

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

Genji (Blackwatch)

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Nah

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Jane? Taro? Josh? idek

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“You post it yet?”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Thinking ‘Bout You,... idk

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Never had... maybe

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Yep

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Life’s pretty mundane so no

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

God no

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Of course

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Nope

19. Do you like bubble baths?

HELL NAH

20. Do you like your neighbors?

They uh... disappeared

21. What are you bad habits?

Nail biting

22. Where would you like to travel?

Japan, South Korea, Australia, and Italy

23. Do you have trust issues?

Nope

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Going to sleep

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

Stomach, thighs

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Check my phone for messages from Jane. If not that then pee.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

not really

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My mom

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

YEP

30. Do you ever want to get married?

uhhhhh

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

Yes, sir

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Amber Heard...that’s it. Maybe James Marsden

33. Spell your name with your chin.

kjia’kola

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Yes. Volleyball, Basketball and Softball

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

Music. TV still has music

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Yep

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

stay silent

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

A smile that I can fall in love with, a laugh that’s basically X2C. She doesn’t even have to try to be amazing. Being kind, funny, caring and passionate just seem so effortless. She has a similar sense a humor to mine, not the same so i can find new things to be entertained by. Is just as sarcastic as meand she’ll give me just as much shit as i give her and still know how much I love her. She makes it so easy to love her it almost scares you how fast you fell for her.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Super market

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Live a happy life

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

No

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

I’m super pissed

43. Do you smile at strangers?

eh

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

bottom of ocean

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

money

46. What are you paranoid about?

Fucking ghost

47. Have you ever been high?

Nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?

As often as possible

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Nope

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Nope

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

The way parts of my hair grows

53. Favourite makeup brand?

Anything black

54. Favourite store?

What? Redundant.

55. Favourite blog?

idk anyones name

56. Favourite colour?

Green

57. Favourite food?

Ediable

58. Last thing you ate?

Bacteria inthe air

59. First thing you ate this morning?

celery

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Yeah. Volleyball basketball gymnastics

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? nah

62. Been arrested? For what?

no

63. Ever been in love?

curently

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Terrible. His tongue nearly choked me if his slober didnt drown me first. I was 4.

65. Are you hungry right now?

Very

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

Of course

67. Facebook or Twitter?

YouTube

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Sadly no

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Jackie

71. Craving something? What?

Food

72. What colour are your towels?

Green

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

2

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

no...yes

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

too fucking many 40?

75. Favourite animal?

Cooper

76. What colour is your underwear?

palm trees

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

in what?

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

rainbow vanilla

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Navy

80. What colour pants?

red

81. Favourite tv show?

Bob’s Burgers

82. Favourite movie?

Uh...

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls 2 shouldn’t have happened it was a mistake. Mean Girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Why ask that question like 21 jump street is even a ROFL movie? Mean Girls....can you tell im hungry and just want to go get food?

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

.....OMG Karen

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Crush

87. First person you talked to today?

Jane

88. Last person you talked to today?

Jane

89. Name a person you hate?

no one i don’t put in the effort to hate people

90. Name a person you love?

Mommy (Jackie, Jane, Taro)

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Whoever decided to ask so many questions

92. In a fight with someone?

yes

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

5

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

6

95. Last movie you watched?

POwer Rangers 2016

96. Favourite actress?

Rosario Dawson

97. Favourite actor?

James Marsden

98. Do you tan a lot?

No

99. Have any pets?

A Cooper

100. How are you feeling?

Fucking starving

101. Do you type fast?

no... that and this sentence that follows took 5 minutes

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

yeah

103. Can you spell well?

fuq knoe

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

nope

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

no

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

yep

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yep

108. What should you be doing?

getting food

109. Is something irritating you right now?

these questions and not getting food

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

currently

111. Do you have trust issues?

YOu ask me this 963 questions ago

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Jane?

113. What was your childhood nickname?

KK

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

not anymore

116. Are you listening to music right now?

was but it turned off and im scared to play somthing else in fear of me having to do this again...ins been 25 minutes

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

no

118. Do you like Chinese food?

yes

119. Favourite book?

What is a book

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Silence

121. Are you mean?

when im hungry

122. Is cheating ever okay?

no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

yes

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no

125. Do you believe in true love?

yes

126. Are you currently bored?

sooo fucking

127. What makes you happy?

Janey if not her Cooper and playing video games

128. Would you change your name?

Nope

129. What your zodiac sign?

Taurus

130. Do you like subway?

nope its all turkey

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Nothing he knows whats up

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

I swear to fucking christ did you forget you already asked me this question

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Ever see a princess be a bad bitch

134. Can you count to one million?

yes

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

i can count to one million

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

cracked

137. How tall are you?

5′10

138. Curly or Straight hair?

depends

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Black

140. Summer or Winter?

Summer

141. Night or Day?

Hot

142. Favourite month?

July

143. Are you a vegetarian?

meh

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

yes

145. Tea or Coffee?

tea

146. Was today a good day?

was

147. Mars or Snickers?

ew

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“If we’re just a noise in the system, might as well be a symphony” 

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yes

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

Book? Page?