#like. obviously me fifteen breathing and my mom still being alive is correlation not causation but try telling me that when i HAVE to triple
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#labhrambles#yall know how i am about lists so here we go bc i need to vent and i dont want to bother people with dms or whatever#this one specifically about garbage thoughts in my head that exhaust me#i am very annoyed with my mind lately. i tried to fall asleep and then the blankets were touching me Wrong so i threw three blankets two#pillows and a body pillow onto the floor and even still everything feels bad like my eyelashes when i blink and the webbing of my fingers in#general. i cannot sleep without blankets covering me and i dont know why but im frustrated by everything atm (hypersensitive or stimulus#overload or whatever) so im just screwed until my brain gets over itself which wont happen anytime soon bc i can feel one side of my nose#feels Wrong so thats great. beyond that im just annoyed in general with my thoughts bc im p sure at this point theyre just really annoying#impulses which is FINE but its exhausting bc ive passed the point of /do this or xyz happens/. like it used to be i have to fifteen breathe#or triple tap or flex my fingers then double tap or knock on wood BECAUSE if i didnt then i would kill my sister or snap my cats neck or#burn a candle and pour the wax all over my skin or take a knife and just not finish that thought because i dont want to but. i WOULD DO THAT#UNLESS I DID xyz tap or breathing and just. its so annoying bc ive reached the point at work where i inhale a certain way and immediately#triple knock on wood and i dont even think about what it is im preventing myself from doing anymore. like its not a conscious thought of#/triple tap or drive your car into the creek/ anymore. i just know that the car thing WILL happen if i dont tap/breathe/knock so i just#instinctively do it and its so annoying idk. like obviously im making a bigger deal out of it than it is bc im still functional and it#doesnt make me late for stuff or anything but it must look so ridiculous to other people that i sprint into the kitchen so i can step#leftright on the gritty part of the floor so i dont literally bite off my dad's arm. like surely that looks pretty weird but i still#function fine from an external perspective so its just internally exhausting but thats not anyone elses problem so its f i n e#like. obviously me fifteen breathing and my mom still being alive is correlation not causation but try telling me that when i HAVE to triple#tap so i dont climb the tallest tree i can find and jump off. aint gonna work m8. gotta do the requirements so i dont kill everyone#and like. its not debilitating. obviously im fine enough to exist. obviously i CAN triple pet my cat and rightleftright turn to click off#the light and fifteen tap the off light switch and four four three step to the bed and fifteen breathe and triple tap to step on the desk#ladder and triple or quintuple tap my toe on the side to actually get in the bed and updowndownupupdowndownup the volume on my night#playlist and offon the ringer switch ten times and triple refresh the alarm app and triple tap to cement it and maxminmax the brightness on#on my phone before setting it down so i can go to sleep. obviously i CAN do all that and it doesnt hurt me but its so exhausting to have to#do it every night - and if i dont then ill die in my sleep because the house caught fire or someone broke through my second story window and#stabbed me to death or i just die for no reason in my sleep and the ONLY way i can guarantee that doesnt happen is starting at the light#switch and powering through to the brightness settings. every nighy. and its exhausting to have to do but if i dont do it i WILL die or i#WILL seriously harm someone else and obviously i dont WANT to do that so. idk#i didnt have a point but like. idk im real sick and tired of this and i want it to stop but i dont know how.
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