#like. my ocd is contamination ocd and i've been through therapy for it and i'm pretty good at combatting it

[fridayyy-13th]

okay so like. i have ocd, and obviously with that comes intrusive thoughts. but sometimes i have intrusive thoughts without a compulsion coupled with them. is that a different thing. is that just anxiety. send help

[lacefuneral]

bit TMI but. i am an advocate for recovery so! i think it is important to talk about mental health things

i've talked about how i'm in an IOP right now, but not the specifics i don't think. it's an ERP (exposure therapy) program. which essentially means that i trigger myself on purpose multiple times a day (planned and discussed ahead of time) and i keep track of my distress level. the idea is that you have like an arbitrary number. say, distress of 70 points. and as you habituate to the triggering situation, these points will decrease. when you reach "half" (whatever that means for the individual) you are allowed to stop the exposure, as it is considered successful. although some are also day-long or activity-long

right now, for example, i'm doing an OCD contamination exposure where i played tug of war with my dogs (so i now have gross dog saliva on my hands) and i'm trying to go about my day at work without washing my hands even one time. so i have to touch my phone, eat, etc. - record the highest level of distress - and how long it takes for me to habituate. highest so far has been 74. hovering around a 70 right now after 15 minutes. goal would be around the 35-40 range.

anyway. for some reason it did not occur to me that being triggered, even if controlled, is going to have effects on my body. my shoulders have been in excruciating pain the last couple of days because my body locks up during intense exposures. my menstrual cycle is abnormal because my body is undergoing so much stress that it's like "hey maybe we don't need to be losing a lot of blood right now." and i've also had quite a few stress nightmares

like it makes sense but it's also like. ohhhhh. yeah. that'll happen.

so if you go through an intensive ERP program like this, make sure that you are taking care of yourself. lots of water, stretching, warm showers or baths. if you have someone who is willing to massage out aches in your shoulders or neck. i've been using a heating pad and that's a godsend

like. be very kind to yourself. because it's physically difficult work, too. not just psychological

[hauntedselves]

therapy yesterday (tw: health anxiety, specifically heart-related; contamination OCD)

so i probably have health anxiety. i've been having some physical symptoms which led me to get an electrocardiogram (ECG) and then a 24hr ECG - and of course i didn't have any symptoms during, only before and after 🙄- but i talked to my psych about how i get all obsessive over it (e.g. i get palpitations, i check what that could mean, i worry i'm having a heart attack, the anxiety causes the palpitations to get worse, the cycle continues). and turns out she wrote her masters thesis on heart-related health anxiety so literally the best person i could be talking to about this!

in typical health anxiety fashion i spent all of today researching health anxiety. i found a subreddit (r/HealthAnxiety) and reading their posts has been really helpful. i also found a workbook on health anxiety so i'll read that.

the thing to remember is that i'm still here. like... i've had many episodes of these heart symptoms and i'm not dead.

of course though, all the symptoms of a heart attack are the same as symptoms of anxiety & panic attacks. which makes it hard! but then the trick is to wait, as hard as that is. if you're really having a heart attack, your body knows. panic attacks are awful but they won't kill you.

if i had been assessed as a kid, i reckon i would've been diagnosed with OCD (and painfully obvious autism lol). i read Roald Dahl's autobiography when i was a kid and he wrote about having appendicitis which scared the shit out of me. obviously treatment and prognosis of appendicitis is way better in 2023 than it was in the early 1900s lol. but if i felt any amount of abdominal pain i'd be mentally running through the symptoms of appendicitis and freak myself out over it. (a small reason why i got a hysterectomy was so that i'd be 100% certain that i could never get a ruptured ovarian cyst, or endometriosis, or cervical cancer, etc.).

i was also obsessed with (and terrified of) natural disasters. i'd memorised all the cloud shapes and patterns and what they meant and i was always analysing the clouds to make sure a tornado wasn't about to happen (worth noting i live in a part of the world where tornadoes literally do not happen). or i'd see a mountain that was vaguely pointy and i'd be like, oh shit what if that's a volcano. or i'd be at the beach and be obsessively checking the sky and sea to make sure i'd be prepared if a tsunami were to happen (again, there's no volcanic activity here or tsunamis). bushfires do happen and can be pretty severe (our house came close to burning down a few times) and i still fixate on them during bushfire season but definitely not to the point i did as a kid.

i also went through a phase were i'd never be sure if i washed my hands after going to the loo, so i'd go back to the bathroom multiple times to wash them again. classic OCD there.

my psych and i theorise that these anxiety/OCD-like symptoms are the result of autism and trauma (as everything seems to be in my life lol). it makes sense - a little (undiagnosed) autistic kid in a chaotic, unstable environment hyperfixates on control and uncertainty (OCD)... and develops a fear of pain and death. an injury can be controlled, there's a process and uniformity to it (e.g. you cut your finger, so you wash it and get a bandaid, and over time it heals). an abusive environment is unpredictable and can't be controlled, so you focus on what you can control (and dissociate from the rest). once again, i have to wonder how much easier and better my life would be if it weren't for all the trauma lol...

[marshmallowprotection]

Slight tw for sort of health stuff and blood mentions

GE Saeran or Ray bc...my babies...with an Mc who is sort of a Germaphobe? Recently I have this awful habit of scrubbing my hands in the sink for super long, until they crack and bleed 😭 because I have a crippling fear of getting sick, I hate it its the worst ever, I have other chronic health issues caused by covid and ever since I've been just insane about germs. It's bad but sometimes I even scrub my hands raw just after holding or playing with my dog (and I hold and love on him FREQUENTLY) I have this like contamination thing, even the slightest brush up against something I deem unclean, i'm at the sink. it's bad. My hands look so gross and are in so much pain I can hardly move them from how much I wash them.

It's a bad habit and I know it needs to be fixed. I'd love some Ray or GE comfort about it ❤️ your writing always makes me feel better.

GE Saeran knows a compulsion when he sees one.

He isn't sure how many times he would have to do something for the sake of doing it so he wouldn't feel like he was going to be punished. It doesn't matter if it didn't make sense to anybody else in the room. He had to do something to make sure that it didn't feel like the walls were going to cave in on him.

For example, one way for him to gain control in a situation is to take a cold shower.

He will always revert to doing this even as he moves forward in his healing journey, because the only thing he can think to do to stop himself from feeling negative, is to shock himself. It's definitely not the best coping mechanism in the world but it's better than some of the others and he can learn how to find a better way as he goes forward.

It might not be the same as the compulsion that you deal with for your OCD, but he understands the sentiment. Understanding some of what you're feeling, it allows him the opportunity to be able to empathize and figure out the best way to help you feel comfortable again.

Sometimes, you can't help yourself and you have to go through with the compulsion otherwise you're going to feel like the end of the world. You have to follow through until you come together again. You don't need to feel ashamed of yourself for doing all the things you need to do to feel safe.

Even though it can be very distressing to know that you shouldn't be doing this to feel better. If he does know anything, it's that telling somebody that they shouldn't be doing something and that they should feel bad about it isn't going to help them. The best way to help somebody you care about is to treat them with kindness and respect in their moments of vulnerability.

So, in what ways does he try to make things better? Well, when you need to wash your hands, he has lotion ready so they don't dry out and cause further pain. That's the last thing he ever wants you to go through. It's hard for you to navigate your comfort in the long run, but minimizing any aftershock is essential to him.

It's a small thing in the grand scheme of it all, but it's better that he is able to understand what you feel and why it's not okay to force you to change your coping mechanism when you're not ready for it. This situation needs time and care, both with a therapist to help you with immersion therapy and the support of someone you trust in your life who won't make light of your pain.

"My love, I know people want you to think this is all in your head and that you've got control over it... but, I understand this isn't something that you can stop overnight. You need to breathe and forgive yourself for the hard days... I know you'd never let me feel ashamed when the compulsions I experienced suffocated me for so long... I want to be there for you the way you were there for me."