#like. in terms of time ???????????????????? i really can't articulate my words too well

[papaiyatree]

hello rn i'm thinking abt the fact shiva was called sandra for this scene and i cannot form proper coherent thoughts about it

idk but i think it's an interesting move to split shiva and sandra a bit, hope this doesn't turn into some bullshit alter ego thing because i think this idea can have its fruits ngl

[loves4ge]

Hello, could you possibly write a Megumi x reader fic (or could be gojo x reader, idk, as you prefer), but the reader, in terms of personality and behaviour, is a bit like Megumi? Like rather quiet, serious and reserved, and has trouble expressing their emotions? And could the characters just be asexual please ? Anyway, I really like your work, it's always great and fun! Hope you have a nice day

"are you sure about this? you know it's bad luck." your mother says, worryingly. it's sweet how she cares but you don't believe in omens like those. these superstitions would get in the way of your comfort. megumi doesn't mind though. and neither do you.

"i'm sure. plenty of couples do private first looks. it'll make us feel better, alright? now, which room did you say he's in?" your mother sighs, a frown still etched on her face. still, she relents and points to a closed, brown door down the end of the hallway.

you kiss her cheek, smooth her eyebrows to erase the frown. you poke the corner of her lips to get to her to smile, turn and start moving.

you feel your heart growing heavier, nerves rattling as you try to calm your breathing. you don't think it's working. you're at the door too quick. would it be weird if you circled the area a couple of times before you came back? probably.

you raise your hand to knock, your knuckles softly knocking against the hard wood twice. there's a muffled "come in" and you twist the doorknob, swallowing your spit and hope your fears went down as well.

you open the door to see megumi turned around, with his back towards you. ah, his suit is a grey charcoal because you were adamant on him not wearing black.

his hair is styled perfectly even from the back and the emotions overwhelm you. though you're sure it doesn't translate across your face; you've always had a little bit of a poker face, almost always unintentionally.

"you can turn now," your voice is soft, steady as you stand behind him, hands clasping rosy-hued flowers. his turn is slow, dramatically so, until his gaze fixes on you.

for a minute, there's silence. you look into his eyes and he looks back. there's not a lot you can say. you want to, but it doesn't come out. you've never been very good at this affirmation thing.

but it's easier with megumi. it always is. he knows you; the thought brings a smile to your face and you set the bouquet on a nearby table.

"you're so gorgeous," he whispers, though his hands stay by his sides and you don't rush to hug him. it's nice to stare at him like this.

"i can't believe i'm going to be upstaged by the groom." he believes this to be wholly untrue, smiling at your words. you wish you could articulate the feeling you have right now.

you feel like you're fifteen again, seeing him for the first time when he did his hair spikier than what he does now. god, you loved his eyes, and they're staring at you right now, swirling with nothing but love and admiration.

your sentences are caught up in your throat, and your voice is scratchy. instead, you step closer, take his palm in your hands. tracing the lines; love, fate, career. you turn his hand gently, and bring it up to your mouth, softly brushing a kiss against his knuckles.

he warms. straightens his back. his free hand snakes across your waist to the small of your back and he pulls you close. the sudden movement makes you jump, dropping his hand.

he touches your forehead with his own; you're both warm.

"i know." you want to ask what he knows but you already know.

i love you. i would break the sun and the moon and the stars for you. i would cross an ocean, climb a mountain, venture a forest for you. my heart, my soul, my love. you are the reason i breathe, the reason i live, the reason i love.

[cripplecharacters]

oh yeah another question abt intellectual disability: what do people with moderate id speak like? i assume they wouldnt be perfectly articulate but i know making them talk like cavemen would be bad too. i do want it to be clear that they have language difficulties, but im not sure how to do that realistically. so what kinds of grammar errors are actually common? would it make sense to have them mix up words with similar pronunciation, or have difficulty discerning the differences in implications between words with similar meanings (like "pretty" vs "attractive")? do people with id ever 'imagine context' the way people(well, me) do when half-asleep where the brain mishears a statement as something completely unrelated? would spatial and situational awareness be impaired? also this is kind of a different question but if you can give advice on what to do with game mechanics for an id character in an rpg, that would be nice! i already have the stats figured out for every character and theres no stat that i think would be strongly affected by id but in terms of depicted fighting style and other mechanics maybe thered be some stuff informed by it (i cant do anything too complex though, im using rpg maker vx ace). idk! im spitballing here. main thing i need to know is how to write dialogue for a character with id ^_^

Hi! We have a post somewhat about this that you might find useful, I'll try to go over the other questions below!

Keep in mind my ID is mild (and on the milder side of that) so my answer will be all second-hand knowledge from talking to people with moderate ID in my SPED years.

A lot of it will depend on what condition causes they have. People with Williams syndrome have very “normal” verbal skills majority of the time and you can't really tell in my experience. On the other hand if they're autistic you can potentially guess from the tone of the voice e.g. they speak in a very loud and monotone way. People with Down syndrome are very likely to have a speech disorder, someone with cerebral palsy might slur their words, etc.

A lot of people with ID might be less talkative than your average person (there's definitely exceptions). So your character could use shorter sentences, simple sentences (in the grammar sense), prefer to use other forms of communication for things that don't require speech (e.g., nodding instead of saying “Yes, I agree”, or doing a thumbs up, etc.), or have to be prompted to actually answer/take part in the conversation.

I personally don't recall ever hearing the “mixing words with similar pronunciation” in someone's actual speech, maybe unless they learned the language from reading rather than hearing it? If that's the case, then ID could affect their speech more than if they didn't have it, otherwise I'd assume that the character might have brain damage or is maybe hard of hearing and simply mixes them up because they can't recognize/hear the difference between them.

Mixing words based on specific meaning makes much more sense in my opinion (probably because I do that myself lol). Synonyms or words that might make sense in one context but not the other are the worst. Your example here is great! When someone has ID they might take away the wrong meaning out of a word and use it incorrectly because of that. E.g., their parents used to take them camping to a forest with lots of bugs, they don't like bugs, they can later call something “foresty” to mean “with lots of bugs” even if it doesn't have much to do with an actual forest. This might make more sense for a character with more severe ID (or if they're just young) but using “attractive” when you'd normally say “pretty” makes sense for someone with moderate ID in my opinion.

Something that can also affect speech of someone with ID is word repetition. Not really in the echolalia sense (though it can be that too) but just using stock phrases that get repetitive over time. I try to edit it out from my posts but you can still kinda see it. For some people it will be ending most sentences with the same word, for someone else it will be starting two paragraphs with the same three words without realizing even though they're right next to each other or overusing “maybe” and “if” to start sentences.

As for the “imagining context” while mishearing something, I'm not sure if I know what you mean by it so I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I don't do it lol

Situational awareness is definitely impacted for all people with ID but to different degrees. I don't know if it's part of the diagnostic criteria but it might as well be. When the person's ID is mild it might look like someone who's just kinda unaware of what goes around them, maybe don't recognize that they're doing something that could end up badly. The more severe the intellectual disability the more obvious it is, the person might elope (wander off) and not be able to find their way back, not be able to use cooking utensils safely because they don't recognize the risks in real time (not really in the “not realizing that the knife is sharp” way if they have moderate ID, more like “not realizing that you need to be careful when putting things on hot oil or you can get burned”), assuming that people are automatically safe to be around, things like that.

Spatial awareness doesn't affect everyone, but one of the biggest comorbidities of ID is dyspraxia, which does affect it a lot. There are people with mild ID with severe dyspraxia, and severely ID people with no dyspraxia. It varies.

Unfortunately I have never played any RPGS and I'm not really familiar with the mechanics. Here's an old ask about intellectually disabled characters engaged in combat, hopefully it's useful?

If you want some real-life resources for hearing how intellectually disabled people talk, I really recommend this playlist. It's a bunch of interviews with people with Down syndrome and you can see that they're all very different from each other despite having the same disability.

I hope this helps! mod Sasza

[le-panda-chocovore]

You know those dads who sometimes drop a pretty fucked up random backstory then never mention it again ?

That's- That's Toji Fushiguro.

Imagine a world where Toji tries to be a good dad and stays around Megumi and Tsumiki, maybe a Modern AU with No Curse if you want, doesn't matter (no spoilers) :

So, the kids are in middle school/high school, Toji is... Toji, but present at last. And they're doing their homework, they've been sitting there for a while and Toji gets close to see what this is about. And he reads Megumi's notebook and frowns because the words doesn't make any sense.

"Do you need to know this ?" he asks, because he's bored and likes to bother his son. "What are they even teaching you ? That's useless, none of these things will help you in the real world."

And Megumi is kinda pissed because the final terms are soon and he's trying to focus, and he thinks his dad is a dumbass. "Maybe that's why you can't keep a job, because you never listened in school."

Toji snorts, not at all hurt by his son's words, and shrugs. "Never been in school my whole damn life and I've been handling things pretty well."

"Have you really ? You're unemploye- wait what do you mean you never been in school ?? What ?"

"Was homeschooled," is all Toji says before leaving Megumi alone and walking to the kitchen to find something to eat.

Megumi watches him go, dumbfounded, trying to process what the fuck his father just dropped on him. That.... explains a lot of things actually. Why his father totally lack social skills and awareness, why he has no respect for authority or anyone actually, why he always says that it doesn't matter if the kids miss class for a few days. But, really, what the fuck ?

Another time, he gets into Megumi's room (he knows he's not allowed to, he just doesn't care) and sees his son drawing something on a big paper. There's his name, Tsumiki's, and Megumi's too, then a few others that Toji doesn't recognize.

"Is that a family tree ?" He asks, making his son jump because of the surprise. He laughs when Megumi sends him a deadly stare. "Who are those people ?"

"No one. My English teacher wants us to describe our family in 5 minutes so I make up a few people, as usual. They don't care as long as the vocabulary is good."

Toji hums thoughtfully. "You put Tsumiki's mother ?"

"Yeah," Megumi shrugs, trying to focus on linking the branches to the people. "I have to say how Tsumiki and I are siblings. I can't erase her just because she left us."

"That's what my parents did when I ran away though. There was a hole in the traditional family tree last time I went there."

Megumi stops moving, hand mid-air, and turns to see his dad. "...What ?"

He knows Toji is in no contact with his family, he actually wasn't sure if it was still alive until now. Toji never talks about them. And now he's saying that... he ran away ? That his parents pretend he never existed ? That he went back to his old house at some point ? When ??? What ???? Megumi has always thought that his dad got cast out of his family because of his odd personality, but now things appear to him in a new perspective.

"Hey, give me two sisters," Toji says instead of elaborating. "I don't want to be an only child in your imaginary family."

They're watching a movie and a character just got shot on the screen. The character is losing a lot of blood, they're panting, holding their injury tightly.

"Unrealistic," Toji says while taking a bite of his pizza. "You don't bleed that way with a bullet wound. He shouldn't be able to move his arm either."

Tsumiki looks silently at her step-father, a bit worried. Megumi blinks and gathers the force to ask the question she's too polite to articulate.

"How do you know that...?" He knows, he knows he's not going to like the answer. He's already regretting the question. The seconds are long before Toji answers.

"Cause I got shot a few years ago, it fucking hurt as hell." And he takes another bite of his pizza.

Megumi doesn't know if he's relieved or not. On the bright side, that means that his father never killed anyone -as far as he knows, and he doesn't want nor need to know more- and on the other side...

"What do you mean you got shot ??"

Tsumiki learned to cook at 6. She wasn't able to do many meals back then, but with time her cooking skills improved incredibly. She didn't have much choice, growing up with a man who couldn't cut vegetables to save his life. Toji is a kitchen hazard. The first years, he even managed to mess up rice in a rice cooker.

So as usual, the teenage girl is preparing the ingredients to feed her little family, despite the bad cold that made her dizzy.

"Tsumiki," her brother calls while putting a hand on her back to stabilize her. "Go rest a bit, I'll do it."

"It's okay, I'm fine. I just-"

"No, you're not. Let me cook, you need to lie down."

Tsumiki sighs but has no choice but to let her brother guide her to the couch. She is too weak to fight against him. Toji is already sprawled on the couch, but Megumi's kick makes him shift to let his place to the girl.

"What are we going to eat," he asks, very little worried about Tsumiki's state. It was a simple cold, she'll survive. His hunger though feels more urgent.

"Maybe if you helped a bit you'd know," Megumi hissed at him. "How did you feed yourself before us ?"

Toji grabs the TV remote and changes the channel for some horse race that he thankfully didn't place a bet on this time. "We got maids, and only women did the chores."

Megumi stares at him judgementally. Sometimes, he swears that guy just wanted to mess with him. The boy goes back to the kitchen without adding anything and tries his best to prepare something good.

"I don't understand what's the problem," Toji claims to the school's headteacher. He's sitting with arms crossed on his chest and looking expectantly at the man who is half his size. Megumi almost feels bad for Takemi-sensei, it's never a good experience to have a talk with Toji Fushiguro.

"Well, huh, as I said, hum, your son got into several fights, a-and-"

"I heard that the first time," Toji cuts the man off, looking annoyed. He isn't even trying to look threatening, but Megumi couldn't blame the headteacher for feeling uncomfortable because of his father's gaze. "But he won, right ?"

Takemi-sensei blinked, then cleared his throat. "He did, but fighting is prohibited here, we can't let such a comportment pass-"

"So what, you want me to ground him because he's stronger than his classmate ? That's a good thing, no ? My son has amazing fighting skills, of course, he got that from me, he should be complimented for that and not sanctioned."

Megumi very much wants to die right now even though his father is taking his side there. He hates it when the teachers ask to talk with his dad. It's always so embarrassing and weird. But there's nothing he can do now, except hope that his dad won't say anything that would make the headteacher call child protection. It happened already. Twice.

"Megumi," his father calls, making the boy turn his head to look at him. "How many guys did you beat up ?"

"Huh... A lot. Thirty-something, I think ?" He didn't bother to count. "They were looking for a fight, so I taught them a lesson."

Toji grins and shuffles his son's hair with too much enthusiasm. He knows Megumi hates it, but he loves doing it anyway.

"That's my boy !" Toji turns back to the headteacher who's finally starting to understand why the black-haired student is that way. "See, he defended himself ! He's not throwing punches for the pleasure, he was in his right. Plus he won, so it's good ! He beat up thirty guys and he's fine !"

Takemi-sensei opens his mouth but can't think of a word to say to that madman.

"You know," Toji hums innocently, "When I was younger, my father said I needed to get stronger, so he threw me in a pit with wild animals inside. Got me this scar," he explained as he pointed his lips. "Being strong is important to survive, it means nothing can hurt you. I learned that when I was 7, I think the other kids can understand this lesson too."

Megumi opens his eyes wide and Takemi-sensei does the same. What the fuck is this man talking about now ?

But Toji doesn't let anyone question him about his childhood. He stands up, taking his son's arm so he'd do the same.

"Thanks sensei, but I think Megumi's doing great. He'll go far in life. He's smart and he's strong, there's nothing to reprove here."

And with that, he leaves, dragging a confused and shocked Megumi with him.

"I think Dad is pranking us," the dark-haired teen confesses to his sister while they're walking out of the grocery store.

Tsumiki tilts her head and hums. "I don't know... But I have to admit that his stories are... disturbing."

"They're crazy you mean ? There's no way everything is true."

She nods. She's always too polite and nice to say anything, but she too is confused by her stepdad's past. Every now and then he makes a comment that just seems crazy, but he looks so serious and genuine that she doesn't know what to think about it. But she wasn't the kind of person to accuse others of lying, especially the man who kept her even when her own mother left. Well, it was his fault that she left in the first place, but still.

"I try not to think too much about it," Tsumiki sighs.

"One day he's going to tell us that he was secretly a hitman or something, and the worst part is that I'd find that believable."

Tsumuki chuckles quietly while her brother desperately shakes his head. "You're exaggerating Megumi, he's not that bad."

"I'm not exaggerating, you remember when he criticized how the guy took care of the body when we were watching that detective show ?"

Tsumiki remembers that very well, and she too was very worried by Toji's knowledge of human anatomy and different ways to get rid of a body back then. Still, it isn't enough to make him a criminal.

"Dad is freaking strange," the boy continued as he sighs. "Sometimes I think he kidnapped me when I was a toddler or something."

"That's kinda mean, Megumi," a deep voice behind them startles them. "I know I'm not the father of the year but still."

The siblings look at each other for a few seconds, then Megumi looks away while Tsumiki apologetically bows in front of the man. Megumi grumbles something unintelligible and Toji frowns slightly.

"You know, I got enough of a family who sees me as a shameful black sheep for you to say this shit about me. Do you really think you're not my son ?"

Megumi is too disturbed to react anyway. Toji doesn't seem mad, but he looks kinda . . . Hurt ? The kids never imagined that their father could show that kind of emotions.

"What an ungrateful dumbass," Toji grimaced, looking annoyed. "I changed your diapers and woke up to every single one of your baby cries, so don't say that shit again. I'm used to people from my own family saying I'm a freak, but it becomes kinda tiring now."

Tsumiki apologizes again as if she's the one who did something wrong, and Megumi really hates it. He grabs her arm and forces her to straighten up. Then, looking down because he can't handle his father's gaze, he manages a few uncertain words.

"...Sorry." His voice is low but Toji has good ears, he can hear him.

Toji looks at the two of them silently before shrugging and walking past them.

"'s fine. Let's go home."

The kids follow him and they all walk home together. Toji takes the bags to put everything in the closets and fridge. Tsumiki and Megumi look at him doing it, before finally one of them breaks the silence.

"You were abused ?" Tsumiki cautiously asks with her soft voice. She already knows the answer, and so does Megumi, but they want confirmation.

Toji freezes, then starts moving again. "Yeah, you can say that. But it's fine, they're not going to hurt me again. It was a pain in the ass to get rid of those assholes, I don't even understand why they didn't want to let me go when they had always treated me like trash all this time. "

"You make it sound like they're Yakuzas or something," Megumi notes, but he really didn't expect his dad to look at him briefly and hums. "...What ?"

Toji closes the closet door after everything is set in its place and walks toward the sofa.

"Dad what ?" Megumi calls again, following him in the living room. "Wait, don't do that, you can't- We're not Yakuzas."

"Well, you're not, I'm made sure of that. Don't worry too much."

"WHAT ?!"

Anyway, yeah, just Toji randomly talking about his life to his kids.

[indestructibleheart]

petalwrites is now IndestructibleHeart

Hi, friends!

As some of you know, I've been through a lot of changes this year... and one of those changes involved a lot of thinky-thoughts about gender and coming to the realization that I'm demi-femme (or genderqueer; I use both terms). I started using she/they pronouns, which I'm really comfy with, but I've been thinking a lot lately about wanting a more gender-neutral name that represents all of me... and this is the safest place for me to explore that.

petal → stevie

As Charlie Spring would tell me, I don't owe anyone an explanation re: my gender or why I'm changing my name, but I actually want to open up a bit. I'm just going to do it under the cut below.

However, the tldr is this: I'm not a girl, but I'm not NOT a girl (hope that helps!!). I'm gonna start going by Stevie in online spaces because it better fits the person I'm becoming. I've changed my URL here, my ao3 username, and my nicknames on Discord. I love each and every one of you for cultivating a space where I can explore what being demi-femme means to me, since I'm not quite in a place to change my inherently feminine government name IRL.

cw for talk about both gender and losing my dad (spoiler alert — I didn't choose Stevie for Stevie Budd, as precious as she is to me):

The name "Petal" being pretty feminine is something that's been on my mind for a while now, and I thought pretty hard about what name felt most like me. When the name Stevie popped into my head, it was because of Schitt's Creek... but something else clicked right after.

It was my dad's name.

(Well, his name was Steve, anyway.)

And, while we had our differences over the years, he was the first person in my family to wholeheartedly support me when I came out. I told him I was a lesbian and he was literally like, "Cool. You want pizza for dinner, or...?" Yeah. Didn't bat an eye. Especially given that he passed in June, of all months, it feels like a fitting tribute to take his name with me on this journey.

For me, the gender spectrum is complicated. It's a place I'm still learning to navigate... and that's why I'm choosing a name that feels like it suits me wherever I happen to be on the slider at any given time. Having a place where I can make these kinds of changes and do some self-exploration is just... like... I don't have the words to articulate how much that means to me.

This community has been nothing but wonderful every step of the way here. Hell, this community half the reason I felt safe and comfortable enough to start doing all this self-reflection in the first place. So, thank you for that.

I know referring to me by a different name is gonna take some adjustment, but that's okay!

Just like I am both she and they, Petal is a part of me, too... It's just not all of me. I want to introduce myself with a name that fits like a comfy sweater, rather than a dress that I only wear on certain days. Y'know?

(And, really, this is more about me needing a space to safely explore some gender neutrality when I can't IRL than it is my being uncomfortable with the name Petal. So, don't stress about it.)

I hope that makes sense outside of my head... but I guess it's also okay if it doesn't.

[cyclogenesis]

The past couple of years most of my writing has been in the form of book reviews in which I'm, tbh, not afraid to be extremely critical (my two most liked reviews are among my harshest 1/2! they love it when I'm a hater) and now that I'm actually finishing a story for the first time in 2.5 years it is SO interesting the effect this has had on my fic writing. It's always been easiest for me to think in terms of what I don't like or want (usually in relation to life choices) rather than the more nebulous and broad aspects of what I do like, especially with a verrrry novelty-driven ADHD brain (what DO I want? idk lol probably something new and differently stimulating that I haven't come across yet) so I would think that would just make it more difficult to create because you can't build something new out of what you're trying to avoid.

But it's ended up being really helpful because I notice things like structure and pacing a lot more, and being able to articulate what I identify as bad in those areas has I think greatly improved my ability to step back and see a story from a distance - to see the whole shape of it, and figure out what I'm trying to say with it/what it's about, and thereby more easily see what I need to do to fill it out so that it gets my point across. It's also been helpful because there are a lot of books out there that I think are badly written, or have catastrophic missteps that should have been caught by literally any editor along the way, and yet those books still land on the shelves, while here I am over here like "what if people think I didn't completely justify the inclusion of temporary vampirism in this MCU fanfiction story I'm posting on the internet for free, and that the tonal shift from situational comedy to rough sex is too jarring, and they think the story sucks, and that I also suck?" What then?! Well, nothing. It's all fine, and as I know from seeing all the five star reviews on books that I think are an egregious crime against the written word, most people just aren't reading that critically, nor should they be, because who cares. Anyway, hopefully I'll get this thing posted before I go to bed tonight. Writing!! AAAAAH!!!!

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #53

previously - Journal Entry #52

Victor

"Do you even know what I need?"

I can't believe I said that to my poor husband, especially given how our conversation had been going and the state of mind he was obviously in. Even before the entire sentence was out of my mouth, I regretted it, but unfortunately there was no way to pull it back in.

Several minutes before that, I'd found Yuri in the upstairs bathroom, crying his heart out. I think he was trying to hide from me, but I figured he would've realized by now that he never can. I don't know how I always know when something's wrong with him. I just do, and usually I'm able to help him in some way.

On this night, though? Tonight, not only did I not help, but I possibly made things worse.

Not that anyone else’s opinion has any real impact here, but I want you guys to understand, asking Yuri that question wasn't meant as a rebuke. Although it probably came out sounding that way, I wasn't trying to criticize him.

The truth is, up until recently, he's been giving me exactly what I need, whether he's able to articulate what that is or not. And if he can't put it into words, that's not his fault. It's not as if he's never asked me what I need. He has, but it's my inability to express stuff clearly that's the problem, not his ability to understand, and for me to demand him to explain something that I can barely even explain myself was beyond unfair.

What Yuri does for me, and what I've always needed someone to do, is to help provide stability for me. Sometimes, when I'm scared or stressed or upset, I have a hard time processing my thoughts and regulating my energy. I don't really know how to describe it, but it's like static in my brain, like white noise that makes it nearly impossible for me to hear the part of my mind that controls my impulses and forms logical thoughts. But, Yuri knows how to calm me down when I'm like that. He knows better than anyone what a mess I am, and he always seems to have the ability to sort me out.

Yuri was the one who realized the importance of schedules for me, too. As silly as it sounds, he gave me a regular bedtime and wake-up time, and helped me build other routines into my life that are the same every day. I can't even begin to tell you what a huge difference that's made in terms of how well I'm able to process my emotions and regulate my energy. I guess it's because those are things I don't have to focus on now, so I'm able to devote more brainpower to being a functional human.

Another thing he does is to talk sense into me when I need it. I like to say he's my voice of reason, 'cause I'm not particularly reasonable sometimes.

Being with him has helped me grow as a person. I think I'm more mature because of him, and more responsible. He teaches me by example how to be brave and resilient and emotionally strong. In situations where I'd be likely to give up, Yuri keeps going. As frail and sick as he is, if he can persevere, I have no excuse.

Since he's been really sick this time, though, something's changed. This is the most seriously ill I've ever seen him, and usually when he's not well, he's clingy and needy and just wants to be held and fussed over as much as possible which, contrary to what people may think, I don't mind at all. I haven't been able to take care of him like I normally would, and I'm sure that's affecting him, but it's more than that. I feel like he's been distancing himself from me, and I don't understand why. I've never known him to be as emotionally fragile as he's been over the past several weeks, and I suppose I expected that to lead to him wanting more affection, not less.

Not gonna lie, the lack of physical touch is hard on me, 'cause that's another thing I need. I'm a very tactile person, and Yuri touching me in any way makes me feel grounded and safe, particularly because I know how much of an act of trust it is for him to touch or be touched by anyone. I love it when he gets onto my lap and wants me to hold him, but I'm equally happy when he gives me a hug or plays with my fingers or pets my hair. And I like it when he lets me touch him in any way at all, but especially intimately. It's good to feel trusted. I'm missing that now, and it's starting to hurt me quite a lot.

Yuri didn't answer my question, but I didn't expect him to, since it was kind of rhetorical anyway. The problem was, he cried harder, and the sound of his sobs went straight to my heart. It felt like an invisible knife was stabbing me in the chest, and it took a sheer force of will for me not to start crying as well.

I felt so bad for snapping at him and upsetting him more than he already had been. Yes, I was frustrated and confused, but that didn't justify it.

I know there are people out there who believe he uses emotional manipulation on me. Like, people have said that to my face, so I'm not just being weird or paranoid about it. And yeah, maybe he does do it occasionally, but I've never met another human being who doesn't do it once in a while. But, to anyone who thinks Yuri regularly exploits my sensitivity with fake tears or some other made-up crap, I just wanna remind you that you aren't here with us all the time. You see what we show you, and that doesn't always include the moments of raw, genuine emotional reaction.

I promise you, Yuri's tears tonight were real, not made up to trick me into doing anything. In fact, I got the feeling he would’ve preferred that I wasn’t anywhere near him. Something was hurting him, and I was pretty sure it wasn't his illness. I was afraid it was me.

When he didn't respond after several seconds, I said softly, "I'm sorry."

I could barely hear him as he said weakly, "Go away."

"No," I said. "We need to figure this out.

Finally, he looked up at me. His face was all puffy and swollen, and the edges of his eyes were red. He looked awful, and I just wanted to hold him and soothe away any pain that I could.

"There's nothing to figure out," he said. "You'd be better off without me."

"Yuri." His name was all I could get out at first as I battled my desire to break down in tears. I drew in the deepest breath I was capable of. "Yuri, I need you. Please don't ever say I'd be better off without you, 'cause I wouldn't be. Without you, I... I might not even be here."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"How could you forget?" I said. "Remember the day I came home from the hospital? That night?"

"Yes."

I folded my arms close to my body, but the self-protecting gesture did little to prevent the shiver of dread that went through me at the memory of that night. I'm not sure I really wanted to talk about it, but something in my conscience told me I needed to reveal one particular thing to my husband. It was a secret too big to keep, and I needed him to know, and there might never be a more appropriate time.

"That night... I literally wanted to die, Yuri. Not figuratively. Literally. I would've been perfectly fine with closing my eyes and never waking up."

He stared at me, and the expression that crossed his face was nothing short of haunted. "You...? Literally?"

"Yeah," I said. "I was angry and scared and... I don't know. Desperate, I guess. I felt like my whole life was ruined, just because of one dumb mistake."

"It wasn't," he said. "Didn't I tell you that?"

"I know. You did, and I trusted you. It's the reason I'm here," I said. "But, I think I was out of my mind that night. Like, I wasn't thinking straight at all. I'd never been in that much pain in my entire life, and I was worried that I'd never be able to see again, and everything was just... too much. I know it's nothing compared to the pain you're in sometimes, but I still couldn't handle it. Not like you can."

"I didn't realize," he said. "I wanted to help you settle down because I knew you were upset, but I... I didn't realize..."

"I'm still around because of you," I reiterated, and in a flash of clarity it occurred to me that statement was one hundred percent true.

I don't know if there's a word for how horrible and useless and stupid I felt after my accident. Combine that with an excruciating headache, deep bone pain in both my arms, unrelenting nausea from the medication I was taking, and the absolutely terrifying prospect of permanently losing my vision, and I had a recipe for the end of life as I knew it. In hindsight, it's easy to say I was overreacting, but all I wanted on that first night back at home was for all my pain, both physical and psychological, to disappear.

You know how I explained that my struggles with impulse control and rational thinking are worse when I'm stressed? Left alone that night, it's likely that I would've made a very bad choice, and as a consequence, I wouldn't be here right now to share my thoughts about it. Thankfully, I had Yuri by my side. He couldn't make the pain go away, but he convinced me I could endure it and that it'd eventually pass. He was right, and I'm beyond grateful he was there with me.

I continued with, "You told me that you didn't know what you'd do without me. You said you'd stay by me no matter what, and you promised to take care of me, remember? You promised. What happened to that? Didn't you mean it?"

"Of course I meant it."

"If you meant it, then why are you saying I'd be better off without you now?" I said. "If you thought I needed you a few weeks ago, why wouldn't you still think that?"

"Because I was wrong."

"About what?"

"I wanted to be useful," he said. "I wanted to feel like an equal partner, and I wanted you to be able to trust me to look after you."

"I did trust you," I said. "I do."

More tears began to leak from the edges of his eyes and spill down his face. "I really tried. I tried my best to be strong for you and take care of you, but... I couldn't do it. I can't be equal to you. I can't even do a fraction of what you do.”

“It doesn’t matter if you’re not able to do everything all the time. I get it, and it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not fine, Look what happened to me after only a few days. Other people ended up having to take care of me, and where did that leave my promise to you?"

"You had no control over that," I said. "You did try your hardest, and you were awesome, but we both know you were already starting to get sick before my accident."

"This always happens. It's as if I'm always too ill when you need me the most."

"I need you all the time," I said.

"You don't need me being a burden to you."

"You're not a burden to me. How often am I going to have to tell you that? Taking care of you is a lot, but it's not a burden. I want to do it."

"But, what if I don't want to make your life difficult any more?" he said.

"You're not making my life difficult. If I ever made you feel that way, I'm sorry, 'cause I never meant to. You make my life better, and I'll never not want you in it."

"It... it wasn't you who made me think that," he said.

I held out my good hand to him. "Will you let me touch you?"

He chewed on his lip, clearly wrangling with the decision. I could practically see the debate going on in his head, reflected in his eyes. I could also see the precise moment when he made up his mind.

He crept slowly across the floor toward me, and crawled onto my lap. Wrapping his arms around my body, he leaned into me and rested his head against my shoulder. I held him with my good arm.

He cried for a while, and I stayed quiet, just letting him get it all out. It was plain to see that our situation had been bothering him and that he'd been spending a lot of time thinking about it. I suspected it'd been on his mind for some time, even before his conversation with Seiji, but whatever had happened between them certainly hadn't done anything to improve matters at all.

It infuriated me to think that Seiji had gone to see him in the hospital with the sole intention of telling him off. Of course I knew how Seiji felt — he'd made it perfectly clear that day in the park — but when he said he was going to give Yuri a piece of his mind, I never dreamed it'd be something like that. I thought maybe he'd give him a bit of a hard time for having to work instead of being there to see me compete. I didn't expect he'd go there and air out all his pent-up negativity.

And like... how dare he say Yuri is a terrible person? And how dare he try to interfere in our relationship and tell Yuri that I'm unhappy and that I'd be better off without him? I wanted to give him a huge piece of my mind for that.

Generally, I give people the benefit of the doubt, and I get that Seiji's going through a lot of difficult stuff, but that gives him no right to make everyone else as miserable as he is. Some of us are working hard to be the best versions of ourselves, and nobody needs another person tearing them down.

I decided I'd let it go for the time being. The last thing I wanted was to get into a pointless fight. I have more important things to focus on than Seiji Hinamori's poor behaviour. Besides, I reasoned that I'd get my opportunity to speak to him about it at some point anyway, and maybe it'd be a more productive conversation if we had the benefit of time to calm down and gain some perspective

"I love you," I said, once Yuri's weeping had subsided to sniffling and a few tiny whimpers. "I need you and I want you, and nothing anyone says is ever going to change that. Do you understand?"

He nodded against my shoulder, and said, "Yes, but..."

"No 'buts'," I said. "Maybe it's hard for you to accept hearing this from me right now, but you know what? That's totally okay. Take your time and figure out whatever you need to figure out, but just keep in mind that I'm not going anywhere while you're sorting through it.

He sighed. "Okay." Then, after a second or two, "Victor?"

'Yeah?"

"I really don't deserve you."

"It's not about deserving," I said. "Most of us wouldn't be happy if we got what the powers of the universe or whatever decided that we deserved. Wouldn't you rather have what you need than what you deserve?"

"Are you angry with me?"

"No, I'm not angry," I told him. "I'm worried about you. I'm sorry if you thought I was mad. I'm tired and frustrated, and I guess I could be handling it better, but that's got nothing to do with you. That's just me wishing things would get back to normal faster."

"Me too," he said. "I'm so tired."

"I know, love," I reached up to run my fingers through his hair. "It's okay. You've been through a lot lately."

"So have you.”

“Yeah, but I’m mostly better. Now we’ve got to work on getting you back on your feet.”

“I know I shouldn’t complain,” he said. “But I don’t know if that’s going to happen. Me getting back on my feet. Everything hurts, and I don’t know how to cope with it any more.”

"Saying you're tired or in pain isn't complaining. You’re allowed to say how you feel,” I told him. “It might actually be easier to deal with if you talk about it.”

"I'm too tired to talk. I can’t even think any more."

“Do you want to go to bed now?" I asked. Sleep wasn't the long-term solution, I realized, but if he was mentally tired, at least some sleep would give him a break from whatever turmoil was in his head.

"Yeah," he said.

"Would you like me to sleep in your bed with you, or do you still want to be alone?"

"I never want to be alone," It came out so softly that I wouldn't have caught it if his head hadn't been so close to mine. "Never again. I'm so afraid of that. But I'm scared that if I can't become a worthwhile person, I... I'll be alone... again... forever."

I thought he had run out of tears, but they renewed themselves in the middle of a sentence and left him hiccuping for breath by the end of it. He slumped down onto my legs, as if he didn't have a scrap of strength left to hold himself upright any more.

"Shh... shh..." I rubbed his back the way I know he likes, trying to comfort him. "Listen to me. You are a worthwhile person. You're an amazing person. Don’t I tell you that all the time?”

“Y-yes.”

“We all have stuff to work on,” I said. “If you want to fix some things, I'll help you however I can. Or you can ask for help from a professional if you think that's what you need, or we could talk to somebody together. When you're ready, you just tell me what you want, okay?"

"I want to feel like I’m enough," he whispered.

I pushed away the urge to tell him that he already is enough, that in my eyes, he’s everything. I’m sure he knows how much I love him and I’m equally sure that, deep down, he understands there are a lot of people in his life who do accept him just as he is.

The real problem is that he’s struggling to accept himself.

I don't think his poor self-worth is a new problem. My guess is that it goes back so far that he's forgotten how to think of himself as inherently valuable and is convinced he has to earn approval and validation from others. Except he never can, because when someone praises him or tells him he matters, he doesn't trust that they're telling the truth, because by his own standards it's literally impossible for him to measure up.

I could’ve given him every affirmation I could think of, and he wouldn’t have believed any of them. I wanted to tell him how strong and courageous and resilient he is, how intelligent and practical, and so delicately beautiful that it should be me who calls him 'treasure' and not the other way around. I wanted to say that he doesn't have to be objectively perfect to be perfect for me. But, all those words would’ve been lost if I spoke them aloud just then, and that realization broke my heart.

What I said instead was, "I'm never going to let you go. You're the most important person in the world to me."

With the proper help, I hope that one day when he looks at himself, he'll be able to see what I see when I look at him. Not a single one of us is flawless — not Yuri or me or anyone else — but everyone has something to offer the world. Everyone has value. Each of us means something to someone, whether we recognize that or not, and we each have our own special place in the grand design of the universe.

Sitting there in the middle of our bathroom floor, it occurred to me that I want the same thing for Yuri that he wants for himself. I want him to be happy, and I want him to understand that regardless of his disability, of any personal shortcomings or any mistakes he's made, of any bad thing anyone's said to him or about him — regardless of anything — he is enough.

[yannysif]

hello hello, it’s me again! (this is cherookue’s main lol) and i had a question!!

what are your boundaries for asks? such as, are we allowed to discuss nsfw topics, interact with the characters directly, etc? or would you prefer if asks only discussed the game and lore?

Hello Eden! (is it ok if I call you that) Thank you for your interest in the game, it means a lot!

Hmm my boundaries for asks... that's a tough one for me to articulate since all of this is very new to me - I can't say what I might not be uncomfortable with/good at until I give it a shot at least, so right now I'd say I'd welcome pretty much any kind of ask!

To go a bit more in detail, at the moment I would probably prefer asks about characters rather than for them in-character; I think I need to take more time to be more in-tune with them before I can try it myself - it looks fun when others do it! And naturally, asks about game and lore are more than welcome.

As for nsfw... full disclosure, I'm an ace creator and I'm personally not sure if I can do that aspect justice just yet asdfhgjkl. I'm fine working with suggestive content, but full-on nsfw is a different ballpark.

That's not to say I avoid it completely; I know plenty of ace creators who make amazing nsfw content, but I've always mostly looked into it for it's intimacy aspect, rather than the act itself, if you get my point? So, I haven't personally dabbled into that part yet, and I figured it's time to do some actual research on this end of things 😭

Honestly the 18+ tag is mainly for the suggestive and horror aspects, and to keep it open for the possibility I might add nsfw to it, since it's generally very popular in the yan community? But again, atm I have no clue if I'd be any good at it haha... as a hint, I guess I could say I like those fics where the authors write nsfw like it's poetry? Not exactly so but, it really brings out the kind of intimacy I enjoy, and there's a good chance when I try to write something, it will probably try to emulate that feeling as well.

In terms of asks, I could probably answer some general stuff, but nothing too explicit just yet? But at the same time, anyone is free to send in the asks anyways, I could probably set it aside as points for research regardless!

If anything makes me truly uncomfortable I'll make sure to tell you all, but I generally have a good...tolerance? For such things (idk what's the word to use here lol)

Sorry for rambling on, thank you for the ask!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi! This is my first ask, I hope I followed all the rules, I'm 🪐, and I just wanted a bit of advice/reassurance

TW: descriptions of religious trauma, physical/emotional abuse, descriptions of trauma symptoms such as gaps in memory

I'm leaving home for university soon and I've wanted to, for a long time, have some space from my family and the church I grew up in. I don't know what I believe, but I'm sure that don't align myself with what I was raised to believe growing up, and I have a lot of trauma and self worth issues due to a lot of the teachings. I don't know what my purpose is or how to think for myself because I've learned to believe that my life is worthless without god, all the achievements I have are not because of me but because of god (hence the imposter syndrome I have) etc etc. The problem is, everyone expects me to go to a branch of the church where my university is. I don't want to and I know it will warrant questions and anger from my family and church community and I don't think I want to face that.

My mum and I have had a rocky relationship throughout my life. she's hit me (and threatened to hit me) multiple times when I was younger as part of "discipline" (and due to my bfrb), as well as invalidate my feelings and forced me to obey her every word because the Bible said I should. Even though now we are on better terms, she's learning to apologise for things she's done in the moment, she doesn't hit me anymore and she actually listens to me sometimes, I can still see the impact my childhood experiences have had on me. I'm horribly afraid of making mistakes, I've internalised her criticising attitude towards me, I cannot articulate my feelings because I'm so used to burying them, I'm a people pleaser and other things. She's also homophobic/transphobic (due to my church's teachings) so I've been hiding my identities from her every since I've learned more about myself. Sometimes I even doubt my own identities because what if she's right? What if I'm just demonic and confused and that I've been indoctrinated? (I know I haven't but still, thoughts like this creep up on me)

[I've had therapy for a few months which has help unravel some of this but I'm leaving school so I need to find a new therapist, which is very daunting]

What I don't know is whether it's justifiable to want to have space from her and not talk to her for at least the first year of uni. I don't know how I'd explain these things to her since I get quite emotional/cry a lot and I don't have the language to articulate exactly what's wrong. Equally, a lot of my childhood memories have been "blocked out" (there are extended periods of my childhood I don't remember) possibly due to trauma so I feel like I won't be able to defend myself.

I also really want to leave this church, but I'm scared. It's all I've ever known for as long as I remember and sometimes I get plagued with guilt/fear of eternal punishment for not believing in what I was taught to believe. I also don't want family members and people from there to try and convince me to return or try to talk my out of it, because I'm scared I'll crumble and go back to that environment where I'm instructed to be a certain person and want particular things from my life. I feel really trapped. It's going to take me a lot of time to untangle everything, and I really want to, but I'm also scared I'll never find a solid community and place to exist outside work and school (especially in times like this). I desperately want to feel okay and not be so afraid of the future and living life for myself, but I understand that it'll take me some time to trust my emotions and ability to make decisions and to learn how to find community again. It feels so big, like it's casting a shadow on my everyday life and I can't enjoy anything anymore.

Any advice on how to navigate these big thoughts would be appreciated!

-🪐

[I hope this wasn't too long!]

Hi 🪐,

I'm happy to assure that your ask was certainly not too long, and would like to extend my sympathies for your experiences and current struggles. To me, it makes all the sense in the world that your day to day, and foreseeable future, are deeply impacted by the events of childhood and current situations. You were not modeled healthy emotional regulation by your caregiver, and sadly were abused by the one person who you should have been safe with. From personal experience, I'd like to extend an extra gentle hug for the grief, and full range of emotions, that might crop up during your untangling process as you continue down your healing journey.

I wasn't 100% sure if you were looking to potentially still be part of some kind of religious/spiritual community, heal from the current one, or a bit of both? But this ask includes several books, and a work book, about healing from spiritual abuse, yet aimed for people who still have some sort of faith belief and hope to continue with some kind of spiritual practices (however, this is aimed for Christian spiritual abuse, and if you're looking for a different faith group resource, my hope is that the links/hashtags/words included in the book references might be a good starting point on a Google search). I also had an ask for someone who was exploring a different religion, seeking community, and yet the guilt, too. You can find my response to that here, but here's a highlight I hope might resonate with you, too:

I still think that anyone interested in spiritual practices can decide the boundaries for themselves on what uplifts them, what brings joy and connection - because religion and spirituality, though possible to do with others, is still, at the end of the day, a personal experience.

I think with you transitioning to college, there's a cultural understanding that you'll be exploring things on your own a bit, and though yes, it is quite possible that your family, and/or community might imply pressure as to what exploring those dynamics might look like for you, there's opportunity for freedom here.

What I mean by that, is it's fairly easy to get off the phone when you say, "Gotta study" "Gotta get to class" etc - if someone in your classes, or a student in the hallway tries to bring up a subject you're not comfortable with, I'd encourage you to share that you aren't going to discuss something, but it's certainly not rude to share you're busy and would like to circle back to another topic, another time (because you'll definitely be busy with uni!).

If someone actually has the gall to follow after you, or I don't know, unexpected family visits - you have the right to seek safety and shelter, and discuss with campus security what your options are. Though this is the most extreme example I can think, and I only bring it up to assure that you have the power to set the boundaries of who has access to you.

I'd imagine the biggest headache might be the breaks/holidays, where you might go home (or not, nothing says you have to, and you could always be needing to stay on campus to catch up on projects). But if you do, here's an article about setting some boundaries with family during the holidays (and one more) that I hope might encourage you.

Regardless of the process, length of time it take, or the winding journey as you heal - you are worthy of people in your life who love, and encourage you. You are worthy of healing, and I'm proud of you for taking the steps towards independence with both therapy (and wish you luck on finding another soon - definitely ask your campus for some mental health resources, they might have some therapists there!) and seeking higher education. Wishing you all the best ~

- Mod Kat

[sweetly-yours-and-mine]

i just stumbled across far from my eyes and holy shit??? one of the most beautiful fics i’ve read in a WHILE. perfectly captures the clumsy and beautiful connection that occurs between friends all too often and how naturally those people fit into each other’s lives. i love when writing feels quiet. like when i read that the voice in my head was whispering as to not disturb this precious moment between two characters. i have so many wonderful things to say about your writing but i don’t know how to put it all into words. that fic made me forget i was reading. i hope you continue the series because i feel like writing like yours is hard to come across in any fandom AND in published writing.

hi sweet anon! (so sorry for not responding sooner, i've been super busy these past few days but every time i thought of your ask i'd get giddy inside)

thank you, thank you, thank you! writing is hard, and it sends me over the moon when readers let me know that the effect i wanted to achieve was achieved, especially with 'far from my eyes' because that was exactly what i wanted, those awkward and fumbling little steps of young love even if javi and the reader both knew each other for so long

and that idea of whispering?? i never thought about it like that and i've always struggled in trying to find how exactly to articulate the action and my thoughts in my writing without intruding on the scene or the flow of the words but not rambling on and on for hours at a time, now that i have a name to it, i'll definitely know what to be looking for when i keep writing

as for 'Don't Tell Me', i do plan on continuing it for sure but i first really do need to finish my finals for this semester as well as Narcos s3 (lol typical me to write for a show i haven't finished), and i have ideas for two marc spector series as well as a dieter bravo series, so it's merely a matter of me buckling down to write these four

i do have another javi oneshot (that i may or may not be extending into a little oneshot universe) right: here

and since i want to spread the love, i do think that your ask could just as well apply to these fanfic writers on tumblr, since i really do look up to them and their writing styles are ones i think heavily influence mine:

@softlyspector - the absolute gold tier standard of writing, she's got some great Joel and Din stuff, and i quite literally throw myself of cliffs for her writing and characterization (especially of the moon knight system, i still need to get around to reading Tales Untold and giving it the full reblogs it deserves)

@pennyserenade - i consider miranda as the javi p expert, in terms of just helping me dive into characters and motivations, she's absolutely amazing (there's a reason she's studying this stuff and it shows) extremely talented, i would die to have 'scenes from a marriage' series with javi p in a published, bound book

@mourningbirds1 - 'don't look and it won't hurt' is just *mwah* i can't even articulate my thoughts about how much i enjoy this series (and hopefully you'll see how much i really do love her story sometime soon) (also the sweetest person around, ok?)

as for published authors i read and look up to (in the same levels as the writers and the works i mentioned above: Sally Rooney, Margaret Atwood, John Steinbeck, Seamus Heaney, Samuel Beckett

and if i could name 'a swift pure cry' by Siobhan Dowd as well

anways nonnie sorry if this was rambly and just grammatically horrendous and not the answer you were looking for, but i wanted to let you know ab how warm and fuzzy this made me feel and extend that feeling to the lovely souls here as well and give you a little sneak peak into my future plans

[lifewithjane]

Month Two

Our second month together consisted a whole heap more of fun dates together. We were at a point where we shared music between each other, songs that made each other think of the other. It also included talking about and introducing each other to each other's friends.

Month two started with both of us being away for the weekends, where I was in York and she went to Cotswolds. She was outrageously hit on by some 75 year old airbnb owner - have I gotten over my previous jealousy issues I've faced in the past? Probably not as this really wasn't a good test for that. I mean, the guy was 70 years old and it was all very friendly and jokey.

We went on an interesting Life Drawing date together in Brixton. I didn't know how to feel about it all, both witnessing a naked body together and attempting to draw them. I could imagine in previous years when I was much more insecure about these things, there wouldn't have been a chance in the world, but now, maybe I've grown? The overall day went well and I got to witness she's got some creative talent, unlike me. Idk if I'm willing to embarrass myself again going to a life drawing class like that, but was a pretty cool experience either way. One thing that did play on my mind was how she mentioned a few times about wanting to be the model in a life drawing class and how it made her feel free. I understand its not my choice and I can't really do much in the position I'm in, but why does it make me feel so insecure and uncomfortable. I think it's this possessive nature I have/had, where the idea of seeing someone I love naked like that, just puts me off so much and makes me sad. Anyways, short term solution for now is not bringing it up again and an issue to deal with if she brings it up again and wants to action anything.

Our next fun date involved going to the cricket together. Although the actual day was filled with terrible weather and just watching rain, we had an interesting debate and I got to witness Jane's incredible debating skills first hand. We chatted about whether cricket was a real sport or an activity. Although the topic of cricket should have favoured me, can't say I confidently won that argument. But I was also impressed with how much cricket she actually knew, so surprisingly.. I mean which girl knows anything about cricket?

Other highlights involved going to a live TV Audience with her which was pretty cool. She seemed pretty engaged and excited about the whole thing which is always positive. Between all these activities were a whole heap of cuddles and sex, which was getting better every day.

This one night, Jane managed to ride me for almost an hour. Yes a fkn hour, idk how. But she just kept going and going, although I didn't come, it was probably the closest I've ever been. The sex was getting more and more affectionate and we could both feel our emotions getting so much stronger. Things were escalating very fast and although we both hinted at how we felt a certain three words, we were too scared to say anything.

There were a few upcoming milestones in the horizon but I was yet to really work out what the order would be. With all the pressure coming from friends to meet them, that was definitely first to be ticked off. I was in Lisbon with JuWay and all he'd talk about was meeting her and he was having a house party at his on friday 18th August.

When the day came around, we both got dinner together. She didn't seem too nervous at all. She was wearing this bright blue dress looking absolutely stunning. There was one minor thing that was bugging me and i didn't want it to lead to our first fight. She had about three of her top buttons down and it bothered me knowing she was about to see my friends. Lot of my friends in London were more on the conservative side and I knew they'd definitely overthink / judge her and it bothered me way too much than it should have. Guess it's that same insecurity as last month playing up again?

Fortunately even though I articulated so poorly, she was so understanding and straight away did up a button. I don't want to be controlling or cause any arguments, but honestly Jane being so understanding about where I'm coming from is just another reason why I'm so obsessed with her. This alongside with all my friends loving her that night.

I saw JuWay the next day and he said she was so great and just surprised she's with me. And tbh even I'm surprised. Meg T even went out of her way to msg me and tell me how much she liked her.

And then she met Shannon the next sunday morning at the Women's world cup soccer final between England and Spain. And they managed to get along so well.

It's so easy to get sick of shannon when he brags every sentence but I got to witness how good of a conversationalist Jane really was. She would constantly ask questions and Shannon just ended up talking about himself the whole time and not realising.

We both thene went to St Burgess park after and discussed future plans. She invited me to their france trip in 2024 for olympics which was so lovely and made me feel really happy. I guess just committing to something so far in the future show me she really believed in us. We then confirmed our upcoming trip will be to Stockholme after some quick research.

I made a trip home and came back to hers for some cuddles and booked some stuff for Sweden. We locked in the accomm and flights for 8-10 Sept. Exciting times ahead.

It was getting close to our official two months and I felt ready to tick off the last two milestones for the month.

I had booked peckham rooftop film club with bottomless popcorn where we watched Dirty Dancing. The movie started at 6pm and it was an absolute classic, surprised I had never seen it. It ended about 8pm and it was beautiful sunset and i knew the peckham levels bar was nearby. I was ready to take her there and tell her how I felt.

So we made a trip there and walked towards the view of the London city in the sunset. There I said it - it involved a classic 2 min speech about how I thought she was so amazing and the ended with me saying I loved her. And she said the same words back to me. Although she had made it obvious she had felt the same way, just hearing it in person just feels so much more special. From then on, we were constantly saying it whenever we were together. Although the next two weeks, due to me being stuck in Budapest and making a few other trips, meant we had to pretty much do long distance.

The plan was to go to Primrose Hill on Tuesday 29th July (exactly 2 months since we met) and ask her out and make it official bf/gf. But unfortunately my flight from Budapest got cancelled, leaving the next time i could see her was Sept 3rd.

It had been a fast moving but incredible 2 months. Don't know how long it's been since I felt this happy about someone.

[brain-n-body-in-disarray]

(I don't know if my response is what you're looking for, but I'd like to share anyway)

First of all, I'm not "bisexual". I call myself either bi or biromantic as I'm also ace. Actually, when I first found about bisexuality, way before I realised that I was ace (I didn't know a thing about asexuality then, or the split attraction model), I disliked the word "bisexual" but didn't know why, that's why I used the shortened version "bi". That's what I still call myself.

For the longest time I didn't know one could be anything other than straight or gay. Knowing that I could be attracted by both boys and girls, that is was a thing, was mind-blowing. I actually remember being about 5 and questioning my orientation and I kept questioning til way unto my teens. I really thought I had to choose. That's one of the reasons why this label is so important to me, because that's the first time I felt real.

About "choosing"... The first time I heard the word "bisexual", it was from my mom. I don't know what we were talking about. She was driving me to middleschool I think. Or maybe I was already in my first year of highschool? I'm not sure. Anyway, she uttered this strange word, and for less than a minute everything felt right. I had so much hope, I almost cried there and then. But my mom had to ruin it by telling me that "bisexuals are doomed to be unhappy because they can't have both at the same time. They have to chose one or the other gender." And oh gosh that hurt. I didn't want to be unhappy. What she was telling didn't seem right though but I didn't know how to articulate that. So I stayed silent. For years. I was 20 when I came out aloud for the first time. "I have something to tell you but I'm scared you won't want a relationship with me after you know. I'm bi." That's how I came out to my boyfriend, the first person I ever dated (the only one too, and I'm 32). And all of that, that one of the reason calling myself bi is so important to me. Because I felt like I've been robbed of that by my mom who, though she was well meaning, was also deeply misinformed. And that's not just about her, it's about our society. Being openly bi (even in a "straight-looking" relationship) is kind of a political statement. There's still too many people that think we do not exist, that we're confused. There's still too many people that have misconceptions about us. When I say "I'm bi" I mean that's what being bi can look like. (Because we take many forms and the more of us visible, the more examples uninformed people will have)

I came a long way since I first heard the word. I discovered so much about the lgbtqia+ community, the different identities and labels, our history too. I found out I'm ace and nonbinary and probably somewhere on the aromantic spectrum (I'm still bi though). I collected so many labels that sometime it feels too much, so I often just say I'm queer, but I still use more specific labels when I need to. I'm so many things but all of them are me. There are the bricks that build me. Being bi is my foundation though. It's kind of special to me.

I've discovered so many identities. And I questionned myself so many times, I thought about using different labels about my romantic orientation. I figured it wasn't just about "girls and boys". It's every genders. I fall for people, for who they are. I could have used another word. But in the end I decided that I like being "bi". It's who I am.

And honestly it makes thing easier. Because people know about that, they understand it better than other labels. And yes, using lesser known labels is great, making them visible and all that. But with all these labels I collected for myself, I already feel like I have to do a Ted talk everytime I come out. Using terms that are kind of self-explanatory makes things a lot easier for me.

Anyway, there's no simple reason for me to call myself bi. It's partly who I am and partly who I want to be. It's barely two letters long but the impact this word had on my life is huge. There's so much power in it. That's the thing about labels. Not everyone want them and that's okay, but us who want them, need them, they can change the course of our lives, and the way we perceive ourselves, how the world perceive us. Sometimes their are tools, sometimes they are truths, sometimes they are parts of our souls. But they matter.

That's what being bi means to me.

(Note: I'm French and have lived in France my whole life. I think it's note-worthy bc it might impact my views)

CALLING ALL BISEXUALS!

we are writing a zine about bisexuality and wanted to poll some other bisexuals about why we use the term!

what does bisexuality mean to you? why do you use the term? what calls you in specific to bisexuality over other terms?

you can answer these questions however you like, replies to this post, reblogs with comments/tags and asks will work best, thank you! replies that are selected will be included in our zine anonymously!

[stackthedeck]

do you have any thoughts or headcanons ab trans matt? he’s so special to me and i love projecting my gender conflict onto him

oooh okay here's my hot take Matt could be both a trans man or a trans woman and both options are interesting and exciting but this is all trans guy Matt and it went really long so send another ask for trans girl Matt. Also the headcanons all use he/him pronouns even before Matt comes out but that's how I think about my gender

Matt realizes he's a boy very young. It's the 90s, there aren't exactly words for what he's feeling yet, at least no words he's hearing from his catholic father or community. He's labeled as a tomboy and everyone ignores it, figures a little girl growing up with just a dad is going to be a bit butch. Matt can get away with wearing his hair short and wearing boy clothes because "well it's just easier for her dad, poor thing"

and then the accident happens and Matt's blind and people stop commenting about how he looks because you're not going to tell the blind kid they're doing gender wrong. And then his dad dies and he's in the orphanage and everything feels wrong. He's grieving his father and his senses are flooded with too much and he has to wear the catholic school uniform and grow his hair out, and he can't explain why but that feels just as terrible as the scratchy sheets and the wailing sirens at night. He's grieving every part of himself and he has no words for it

At his confirmation, Matt chooses St. Michael as his confirmation name. "The archangel is an odd choice, especially for a girl, but this is her confirmation and the poor girl has already been through so much." Matt chose Michael because something about that strength, being a warrior of God, holy and set apart called to him. But also he's already experienced so much death, why not the angel associated with it, why not strive to have the scales balanced, to find justice?

It briefly crosses Matt's mind that maybe he should be a nun. He brings the idea up to Sister Maggie who tells him in no uncertain terms that he's too angry, too passionate, he'd suffocate in a convent, and he needs to be out in the world. Matt says he likes the idea of not getting married, keeping his hair short under the veil, long robs that cover his body. Maggie says that he can't join just for the outfit and "it might not seem like it now, but one day, a girl like yourself, you're going to be a heartbreaker, just like your father." And Matt says he doesn't want to break any girls' hearts. Maggie sighs and tells him that it's fine if he likes girls, but technically he's supposed to be breaking boys' hearts. Oh well, he can do that too, but... Matt can't quite articulate why but something about the people he likes, how he likes them feels off? Like there's a piece of the puzzle of his attraction missing. spoiler alert: it's gender. He likes both and he knows he's not supposed to but for some reason, his brain has put boys off limits even though it should be the other way around. Because he's a girl, right?

Stick doesn't help with this gender confusion in the slightest. When Matt trains with Stick he's allowed to trade the school uniform for pants. Stick yanks on his ponytail one too many times during a sparing match and Matt just steals his sword and slices it off. Stick smacks him for dulling the blade, but he's proud that the kid is losing all attachments. And Matt likes that pride, that tiny scrape of affection. And that's the thing, it feels like Stick gets it, feels like his hatred for feminity could let Matt slip into masculinity. Stick doesn't call Matt by his given name, doesn't call him girl or miss, he's just kid. Stick doesn't pull his punches. The girls at school just whisper behind his back, call him a try-hard, a blind freak, a dyke. Stick just hits him. It's so much easier being not a girl. It hurts, but the pain goes away when the whispers don't. But Stick leaves because Matt is weak and emotional. Even with all the training, he's still that scared little girl he found crying in the orphanage. Being a girl always felt wrong, but now it hurts.

It's well into his teen years that Matt confesses to Father Lantom that he's probably gay and Father Lantom says that's alright even though it's the late 90s, it most certainly isn't the Catholic Church's stance, but it's Father Lantom's stance. Matt says he likes boys too, maybe he can marry a man and have kids and be a good Catholic wife. Lantom says that he thought Matt wanted to be a lawyer, no reason to give that up. But Matt also says sometimes he wants boys but like in the way he wants to be a boy, not just do the things they do, but be seen as one, look like one. He doesn't know what he looks like, but he knows that it's changing, rebelling against him, his skin itches with the way it just doesn't feel right. He doesn't have the words for it, but his body is wrong, but God doesn't make mistakes. Father Lantom says, "we are made in His image" and Matt's heart sinks. Right, to complain about how he looks, it's vanity, it's pride, it's desocrating creation. Father Lantom says, "the wonderful thing about creation is that it changes, that God gave man the ability to choose and create just like Him. You were made in God's image and likewise, you can make yourself reflect the image of God. Isn't that what we teach you, to reflect God?" Matt gets really quiet and nods. "I was thinking about maybe a new name?"

It's challenging to get the right resources, it's really not until Matt is 18 that he can even start the transition process. Father Lantom and Sister Maggie help, and the church help. New York is pretty progressive so by the time Matt's done with undergrad, he's got his name changed and all the gender change paperwork done and he's been on t for a year. He feels guilty about changing his name, it's one of the last things he has of his dad. But in the end, he chooses Matthew Micheal, a good Catholic name. He's still got a piece of his dad, he's a Murdock boy, after all, and he's got the same devil in him that his father did. He still has that money his dad left him, he got a full ride for undergrad, but now he has to choose. Gender-affirming surgery or law school? He chooses law school and hopes that his roommate in law school isn't a bigot.

his roommate isn't a bigot. Matt got paired with Foggy because they're both trans. Which would feel like discrimination on Columbia's part, but it's such a relief for both of them that they can't be mad.

Matt binds so unsafely, especially when doing Daredevil stuff. He hates his body, he's doing Daredevil to punish himself, to indulge his worst impulses. Of course, he's binding with bandages, his ribs are already fucked, might as well get flat as hell. Even though he doesn't want tits, he doesn't want top surgery because he'd have to take days, maybe even weeks off being Daredevil. But whatever, it's not like he has the money for it. Elektra comes back into his life after the second time dying and flashes her black card and is like "hey babe, I'm going to pay for anything you want to make up for all the hand nonsense." Elektra pays for his top surgery and offers a few other surgeries too and covers his Daredevil patrol while he recovers.

With the suits and the years on t and just the general confidence, Matt passes really well. He's definitely brought girls back to his place and they left thinking he's cis, just with a weird dick and a very talented mouth.

Foggy buys little pride flags for the office and puts a trans flag on all of their desks. Karen comes in and is "oh did you guys do that for me?" and they're like "what?" and she's like "oh, you guys didn't know I'm trans?" and Matt and Foggy are like "holy shit us too?" How it didn't come up for at least a solid year is a mystery and a miracle

[nellie-elizabeth]

His Dark Materials: The Break (3x02)

Oh boy oh boy!! It's so fun to be someone who knows roughly what's coming, because shit is already getting wild.

Cons:

So I'm going to have a lot of praise for Ruth Wilson, who plays Mrs. Coulter, in a second, but there was one part in the script that I wasn't as wild about. The moment when Will has Lyra and is about to use the knife to run away and leave Marisa behind... see, this is such a pivotal moment, such a key lynchpin of the story, and I wanted Coulter's behavior to be a little more, what's the word, deranged? Unsettled? As it was, it felt like she was still in almost entirely manipulation mode, playing off of Will's feelings about his own mother to get what she wants. And that's such a key part of Marisa's character, her skilled manipulation, I get that... I just wanted this moment to be used to show the ways in which she's unraveling a bit more. A subtle thing, that I'm having a bit of a hard time articulating, but there it is.

I really like Balthamos in this adaptation but I wish there had been a bit more time with him as he's processing his grief and his purpose in life now that Baruch is gone (RIP, buddy, we hardly knew ye). I recall in the books really getting to watch this angel go through, like, a crisis of faith? It was strange and lovely and painful, and I feel like we didn't get enough time with it here. Maybe as the season goes on we'll fold that concept in better, who knows.

Pros:

I want to walk back my light criticism of Asriel from the first episode, because I'm officially obsessed with how deranged he's being. He's truly just willing to do whatever, torture people, kill children, to get what he wants. And we've always known this about him, but it was so stark and shocking this week when he dismissed Lyra's significance and was willing to essentially use her as bait if he had to. But then again, just like Marisa, there's something more complicated going on under it all. As he rushes off to where Lyra and Marisa are in the cave, his daemon points out that his sense of purpose is shaky as he tries to use the intention craft. He focuses up, says he knows exactly why he's going there. And that's to get the knife, that can kill God. It's all about Will, it's just a coincidence that Lyra and Marisa are there too, right? Deliciously twisty, especially since he shows up after Will and Lyra have already vanished along with their new tiny flying friend Salmakia, to find Marisa unconscious on the cave floor.

With Asriel and Marisa we also get some of the most interesting stuff this show does with the daemon characters. I continue to be a little disappointed that such a key part of the story feels like an afterthought, but with Marisa and the golden monkey, and Asriel and Stelmaria, there's all sorts of juicy stuff going on. Stelmaria is acting as Asriel's conscience, his heart, reminding him not to discount Lyra entirely, reminding him that he cares about other people. And the monkey... well, his silence continues to be chilling and disturbing, as does the strange push and pull between the two disparate halves of this same soul. Watching a daemon smash a rock over its human's head was so intense. Obviously she told him to do it, but if anything that makes it even spookier.

Just... everything Ruth Wilson did in this episode was astonishing. Give her an award, stat. She's so good at playing this muted terror as she realizes Lyra is in danger, so good at toying with Father Gomez to give Will time to enact his rescue plan. I love the way she spoke to Will, how convincing she is. That's such a trend with this show, is that sometimes the shit being said by the "bad guys" makes a hell of a lot of sense, and you want Marisa to be able to stay in charge, fix everything. But she can't.

I'm excited that Lyra is awake now and going to be more actively involved for the last run of episodes of this show. The moment when she stood in front of her mother and said "let me go" was another standout in terms of performance, for both of the actresses.

We get a brief check-in with Mary Malone, nothing much to say there, just trying to move her along to where she needs to be. I have this feeling that some of her material will be vastly reduced, or shoved into one episode for the bulk of it, and while I like the stuff in The Amber Spyglass with her, I do think for an adaptation that has eight episodes to work with, condensing some of her stuff makes a bit of sense.

And then there's Will. MVP, child of my heart, such a good kid. His determination to save Lyra is so steadfast, so moving, that when it actually works and the cost is so fucking high, it comes as a real blow. The breaking of the knife is a real shocker. Even knowing it was going to happen, seeing it there in shattered pieces on the ground made me gasp. This episode did such a good job of building up how badly Asriel wants the knife, how much even the angels fighting in the rebellion think it's an essential piece of the plan. Balthamos lost the angel he had loved for generations, all in service of communicating with Asriel about that knife and its bearer. And in a moment of weakness where Will thought of his mother when trying to cut through to another world, it's broken. Gasp!

I love Will and Lyra lying out side by side, Lyra taking Will's hand. It's this moment of peace, of rest, of quiet grief, as they have to figure out what the hell will happen next. And there's so little control they have, now that they've been parted from the things that gave them their strength: the alethiometer for Lyra, and the knife for Will.

I'm really pumped! These first two episodes, but episode two especially, make me so excited to see how the rest of the adaptation is going to shake out. There's a lot of chaos coming!

9/10

[lmelodie]

HEY BITCHES WATCHED THE NEW EP.

Shout out to Moss (@herbalsingularitea) for sending a link to pirate that shit, thank you good sire.

But now onto my thoughts on the episode and the season (and series so far) as a whole. PRAYING TO GOD that all of our hate watching hasn't manifested a season three. LETS GOO

Season 2 Episode 6:

The thing about it as an episode and as a season two wrap up, was that it was so mid. I didn't even actually hate it as much as the other episodes, this one was kind of okay in the kindest of terms.

I wasn't expecting any finalizing character development or conclusions on this and didn't get any either! So, no harm no foul over here. Thats what happens when they keep the expectations so low.

The fight scene between Betty and Olga felt kind of disjointed in a way I can't seem to articulate. BUT! I did think it was cool to see Betty throw down in general. I did not think Betty would be the one to fucking PILE DRIVE this gnome, but I did enjoy seeing that. I like that Betty can scrap, its good a character trait hands down.

ALSO, totally not believing that the fight between these two miniature fae broke the ice ceiling. Thats simply not happening, no matter how hard they go at it, their CHILD SIZED.

Btw the way that Olga makes the printer cartage is EXACTLY how I imagine craftsman magic working in my universe. Thats how you do it lads!

I aint gonna lie, I do like the amulet being a cup. I know some people don't, and yes, I wish they would've used a less misleading word, but I like that its goblet!

But Sandra channeling the magic: Why on earth would she think of Charlie in this crucial moment when she probably rarely ever saw him?? If Charlies wife doesn't know about his dad being Santa, how often can this man really visit? How well do those siblings really know each other, let alone his kids??? Why would she think of him of all people???

I love the Befana only cares about soup, because girl me too. Shes just like me fr fr

And it was such a jarring thing to suddenly cut to magnus in jail. Not only the change of heart for his character (which I find far too sudden to be believable), but also just the scene change from a cinematography standpoint? Like, WHEN did he get there? We were all literally JUST standing in the office, I don't get it.

Also do not appreciate the whole Thing with Riley. I've been rather indifferent to them this whole time but that last minute turn around was just...ehh. I hardly have anything to elaborate with besides just, "could've been better."

The same goes for the ending with Betty and Noel leaving. Just: Ehh, could've been better!

"I'm going to miss despising you" is gonna be added to my regular vocab now.

Okay, ngl, I did find it entertaining that Magnus was DRIFTING on that sax at the end. Get it king, absolutely.

And then it ends with Scott having NO CONSEQUENCES from the council. AT ALL, HE GETS AWAY WITH EVERYTHING JUST LIKE THAT! I...OOOH i don't. I don't even. Just know that he is NOT getting away with ANYTHING in my docs!

The Season as a Whole:

I dont actually know how to feel to be honest? Obviously, it sucked but I can't actually tell if it sucked more than season one. I don't think so? So, I guess they're both kind of on par, at the very least this season tries introducing more lore.

This season (and the series as a whole) just felt really stitched together and not in a cool or endearing way. I think my buzzword for this series is definitely Disjointed. Its bumpy, and most of it not even totally memorable.

The lore is just kinda...there. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, there are plot holes and retcons EVERYWHERE and nothing sticks. Which leads me to my next point:

I think this season I was just so worn down that I was too apathetic to care about 90% of what was happening. Mostly because they don't give me anything or any ONE to care about! Why would I care about Carols journey if it never amounted to anything? Why would I care about Scott in the slightest when we all know he's gonna stay Santa till the day he dies? I dont! There are no consequences or repercussions for anyone in this universe.

The things I did like were of course, Betty and Noel. They really did carry this series on their BACKS, I loved everything they had to offer. I loved their war time romance, I love the badass power couple stance, and that they can still be stupidly fluffy with each other! They are THE blueprint, and they made this series tolerable to watch.

I did also like Witch Sandra. Hey, sue me for liking a storyline where a teenage girl gets magic powers and has to learn from a much older, somewhat curmudgeonly and eccentric mentor. Like, of course I'm gonna like that. Not all the decisions made with plotline were great, but I like the idea.

UGH there's so much more good and bad (but mostly bad) I can say about this show but, eh. It's definitely here for sure. And i don't necessarily think that's a good thing oop 🙃

So sad times here. I got booted from my Disney Plus earlier this week and have not seen the season (and hopefully SERIES) finale of tscs.

On one hand, I am not too sad about this development and this should really say something for the series as a whole. That I'm currently unable to watch the season two finale and I'm not even mad about it. "But Mel, don't you wanna know how it ends?" Well yes but actually no lol.

But cause I just KNOW that the ending was just like the entire rest of the series, mind bogglingly asinine and unsatisfying. I can already tell and therefore won't be missing much if I end up never seeing it lol. I won't be avoiding spoilers but will reblog other posts about it and will take everyone's word for it concerning how it went.

ON THE OTHER HAND, literally the only reason why I still want to kind of watch it is to see if there's any other added context that I would need to incorporate into this hate fueled tscs one shot I've been babying.

So if anyone wants to put me onto a pirating site to watch the finale that would be cool, but if not, also cool lol. I am so tiredly indifferent to this series, I'm almost too tired to hate it outright.

[mywonuderful]

Sweet n' Sour Chicken

anon request: hi, can I request a fluffy college au with Jacob from the boyz? 🥺

pairing: college!jacob x college!reader

genre: college au, fluff

warning: cursing and some anatomy terms for those KINE students out there 

a/n: thanks for the request anon! I had lots of fun writing this so I hope you like it :)

main masterlist

You knew you fucked up.

2 minutes

You sprinted, your bag swinging in all directions as you opened the doors of the building, jumped ran down the stairs and finally reached the doors of your practicum.

‘it literally take 10 minutes for me to travel from one building to another. why does my practicums have to be on opposite side of the campus?’ You caught your breath, wiping the sweat that was falling from the side of your face. You peaked through the half opened door, hearing the instructor explain the lab as you scanned the room for any empty seats.

'Second last row, beside the guy in a demin jacket' You took note as you quietly opened the door, hoping the instructor doesn't noticed as you tippy toed your way to the empty seat.

"Excuse me." You pointed at the empty seat beside him. He mouthed a 'sorry' before he moved his guitar bag and stood up for you to pass through. You eyes lingered at the guitar for a moment before you threw your bag on the table, chugging your water.

'A musical major taking an anatomy course? What is he thinking?' You resting your head on your hand, glancing over at him, observing his appearance. His hair was dyed to a honey brown color, looking soft as a pillow. He was wearing a demin jacket with a plaid and t-shirt underneath and you could hear his metal accessories clink every so often when he moved.

“Miss ‘late for the nth time’"You heard your instructor yell as you snapped to reality.

“Yes!” You answered, immediately feeling embarrassed as you knew he was calling for you.”

“You’ll be pairing up with Jacob, the guy you’ve been staring at for the past 5 minutes.” The guy so called named Jacob turned to look at you as you darted your head away, cheeks heating up as you heard a few people chuckle. The teacher went on explaining the purpose and procedure of the labs as you had your hand on your forehead, staring down at the sheet of paper as you mentally cursed at yourself for always being late and for checking out the man who turned out to be your lab partner. The room was filled with student’s voices overlapping each other as everyone got to work. You faced the wall, too ashamed to face your lab partner as you heard him clear his throat, trying to get your attention.

“Hey, so I’m Jac-”

“I am not interested in you.” You cut him off as his eyes widen from your statement. “I wasn’t checking you out.”

"Umm. Okay.” He slowly nodded, as you followed, whisper a ‘yeah, not interested’ to reassure yourself. 

“I didn’t ask.” Your eyes looked up to his as you both stared at each other before he broke into a smile. “Anyways, I’m Jacob.” He stuck out his hand, waiting for you to shake it.

“And I am sick and tired of labs.” You rolled your eyes. He still hand has hand extended, waiting for you to shake it as you narrowed your eyes at him, noting his unique behavior. “Y/N.” you shook his hand.

“Shall we get started on this practicum then?”

"Let me just say this first." He looked at you, waiting to continue as you lost your words for a second in his eyes. "We're going to get this over with, then part ways and never see each other again okay? I don't care what mark I get in this lab nor do I really care in general about labs." You looked at him, regretting the words that left your mouth.

"Cool. let's get started then?" Your heart stung from his response as you hesitantly nodded your head.

Unlike what you said, the both of you didn't part ways and never see each other again after that lab. Instead, you would purposely accidently meet him in lectures, other courses and around the campus where you found out that the two of you shared many common interests and that the both of you were in the same program. As those 'unexpected' encounters became more and more regular, your interest in him become more and more clear as his quiet, soft yet observed actions would always catch you off guard. But whenever that happens, you made sure to not like your feelings get in your way, as you know you aren't up for that kind of commitment.

-

"Where does the mandible articulate?"

"Uh... temporal bone?"

"Good. What joint does the mandible and temporal bone form?" You pressed your brows together, deep in thought. "We went through this 10 minutes ago."

"Cut me some slack, Jacob. I can only stuff so much information in this small brain." He smiled at your response. "Why do you always smile in the most unexpected moments? If you keep this up, I don't know what I'll end up doing." You mumbled to yourself as he waited for your answer

"That didn't sound like the rig-"

"I don't know! The temporalmandible joint or something?" You gave up as he slightly nodded. "Wait, did you hear what I said before that?" Panic started to form as you felt the cold sweat in your hands

"Close. Temporomandibular joint. And no, it just sounded longer than the actual answer." He corrected as you groaned, banging your forehead on the table as he slid his hand under so you won't end up bruising your forehead. "You're going to lose brain cells if you keep banging your head." You shot your head up, looking at him with a defeated face.

"But I'm already stupid!" You cried as he shook his head, patting your head.

"I'm joking. It takes more than just banging your head." You glared at him.

"Then why get me all worked up?"

"So you could stop ruining that beautiful forehead of yours?" I'm sorry but that sounds weird even as a complement You leaned back, taken by surprised before you snapped back to reality. "Look, there's a little trick on memorizing it. Just combine the two words together." He pointed at the pictures on the computer as you tried to focus. He would lean closer to you every so often as he pointed at the diagrams as your heart would race when he did.

"So the joint connecting the tibia and fibula would be the tibiofibular joint?" You asked as you pointed at the picture. He turned to look at you with wide eyes before he broke out into a chuckle.

"Correct!" The both of you laughed as the remaining of your study session went on.

-

By the time the two of you were finished with studying, it was already the late evening as one of the cafe employee came over to inform the customers that it was closing time. You glanced out the window, seeing rain drops slowly fall. Jacob was packing up beside you, as he followed your vision.

"The weather forecast did say it'll rain these couple of days." He mentioned as you stared out the evening sky, rain drops falling harder by the second.

"God, even mother nature hates me." You sighed as you packed your things, hearing a chuckle from him. "What? You find it amusing that the world is despises me?" He shook his head, waving his hand in denial.

"You're wrong. The whole world doesn't hate you."

"Then who doesn't?"

"There's me." You were zipping up your bag, stopping midway as you lifted your head to look up at him. He had a soft expression on his face, as your cheeks started to tint up.

"Geez, I thought I was weird but I'm starting to question who's the weird one here" You threw the bag over your shoulder as you opened the door, holding your textbooks over your head as you were about to ran to the nearest building when he suddenly grabbed your arm.

"I've got you covered." He opened his umbrella, lifting it over your head.

"Actually, the umbrella has us covered." You stated in a matter of fact tone as he laughed, lightly pulling your arm closer to him as the both of you started walking. He suggested that you stay over at his place for the time being knowing that you usually bus home. The two of you walked in silence as you took in the sound of the wind and raindrops hitting the tops of the umbrella, his grip still around your arm. He unlocked the door and turned on the lights, before gesturing you to enter first while he flicks off the remaining droplets. To your surprise, it was a little bigger than expected for a home for one person. You found yourself wandering around as he closed the door, taking off his shoes and jacket. You placed your bag down on the couch and sat down as you looked out the window, seeing the weather get more and more intense.

"Doesn't seem like the rain will calm down anytime soon." He spoke from the opened kitchen. You hummed in response, eyes found its way on a display of pictures of when he was younger with his family, brother and friends. You stood up, walking over to take a closer look as a smile appeared on your face.

"Ah, those were when I was in the volleyball and basketball team." He stated, offering you a cup of hot tea and you nodded, sitting back down as he took a seat next to you. You didn't know where to look as you stared out the window.

"Do you like the rain?" He asked to break the silence.

"No, I absolutely hate it." You turned to look at him. "I don't know where else to look." You admitted as he laughed.

"You sure are one bright person." You spoke, taking a sip. "Compared to someone like me."

"What do you mean? I find you bright as well." He snickered at his compliment.

"Not at all. I've already come into terms with my sour personality. It's just who I am. Someone who's better off alone and unbothered." He was deep in thought as you peeked over, trying to read him. "Why did you decide to be friends with me?"

"I didn't. It was you who asked for my number for the lab assignment." He pointed at you as you gasped, taken back.

"You're just trying to be funny now."

"Then tell me you didn't purposely go the opposite way so that you would 'bump' into me." You avoided his eyes, feeling ashamed that he taught on to your actions

"I can't confidently say that I didn't to it on purpose. But I swear, half- no not have, three forth of time it weren't on purpose!" You defended yourself before the two of you broke into laugher.

"How about we order some take-out? I don't think going out to grab food in the rain would be ideal with the weather being like this."

"I like your thinking. What should we order?"

An hour passed after you ordered as both of you would exchange short conversations here and there.

"You must be a pretty athletics person. Seeing how many awards you've won." His eyes were fixed on the trophies, a small smile upon his face.

"You could say so. How about you? Do you play any sports?"

"Nope. The most athletic thing I've done is run from practicums to practicums." You chuckled as he joined. The doorbell rang as you stood up to answer before he told you to sit down. He thank the delivery man and paid as he locked the door, placing the takeout on the coffee table.

He took out the takeout containers, opening them as your eyes landed on a particular dish.

"Sweet and sour chicken? I didn't remember us ordering that." He brought out some plates and took a seat beside you, knees brushing as he sat down.

"I added it last minute. Craved it, I guess." He replied as you nodded, not caring as the both of you started to eat.

"Say, I remember you carrying a guitar case the first time we met." You spoke as he looked up, trying to recall.

"Ah yeah, it was for a band I'm in." Your eyebrow rose, noting that he was an all rounder.

"Talk about being Mr. Perfect." You stuffed your face with rice.

"I still lack a lot." You choked on your rice as he immediately patted your back, opening a bottle water for you to drink.

"Lack *cough* my *cough* ass" you took a sip. "If you still 'lack a lot' then what does that make me? A complete failure?"

"What? No! Why do you talk so lowly of yourself?" His voice was serious. "You always compliment others but you can't seem to take a compliment on yourself."

"Wha- I have no idea what you're talking about." You put down your utensils.

"Are you finished with this? If you are then let's clean up." He started cleaning up the empty and dirty containers, you quietly following as you wondered why he suddenly jumped subjects. After cleaning up, you sat on the floor as he sat on the couch, the awkward silence was floating heavily around you.

"Hey Y/N." You looked up at him, the back on your head resting on the couch. "Can I tell you something? You have to hear me out though." You nodded, as he started playing with his fingers, trying to put together his words as you found his actions adorable, a giggle escape d your lips as you coughed to cover it up

"Stop thinking so small of yourself. You're not a failure nor does the world hate you. In fact, I find you very admirable in many ways." You shifted your body to face his. "Maybe if you see it in my eyes, you'll know just how amazing you are." You could see the blush across his cheeks, you bit your lip, feeling confused yet lighten from his words.

"Why?" He met yours eyes. "After seeing my personality, the way I act and talk. Why do you still hang out with me?" You answered.

"Do you want me to answer truthfully?" He stood up as you nodded, before he left to go into his room, coming back out with his guitar.

"I've been working on this song but the lyrics isn't ready but I have the instrumental down. Do you want to hear it?" You shrugged your shoulder, mumbling a 'why not,' feeling a little disappointed that he still didn't answer your question. He started strumming an upbeat yet sentimental tune. You found yourself swaying your head back and forth where when Jacob saw, he broke out into a smile as the both of you chuckled.

"Wow. You really are talented." You applauded as he shyly smiled

"There's a reasoning why I wrote this piece." He looked down at his guitar, stroking the strings lightly. "There someone who is so mentally strong no matter how hard the world is in her eyes. She carries herself well, not caring what others think or say about her. I find it admirable that she's so strong but then again, she doesn't realize it herself. I find myself attracted to her, even when she finds that her personality is sour, but I find it rather sweet." You stared right into his eyes as he would avoid them time to time. "And that's why this song is called sweet and sour."

"Like the sweet and sour chicken?" You tilted your head

"Yeah you could say that."

"So who's is she?" You leaned in, feeling a little upset that it wasn't you but nonetheless, anticipated. He placed his guitar to the side, resting his elbows on his knees, leaning in to you.

"If I told you, would you believe me?" He whispered. His eyes would glance down at your lips as your heart started to race.

"I mean, why wouldn't I?"

"It's you." Your eyes popped out, leaning back from surprised but Jacob held on to your shoulders. He slowly inches closer, your eyes shutting before you felt his lips on yours. You instantly smiled, you feeling his lips curving up as well. As you parted, he brushed a strand of hair behind your ear, both of you in a blushing mess.

"I guess you can say our relationship is like a sweet and sour chicken. Unique and irresistible." He smirked as you playfully punched his knee, exchanging flushed glances and laughter.