#like. i was fucking 13 when i was deeply into it. im an adult now

[pinkypastal]

If I had a nickel for everytime my favourite character in a piece of media was:

a white haired terminally ill warcriminal that was traumatised from lab stuff (which caused the illness) and loss of family who was also the kinda-sorta-it's complicated love Interest of the main character as well as a kinda-sorta-it's complicated antagonist with bird/flight motifs with a secret identity they use for crime with a ultimately well meaning goal who also died that one time

I'd have three nickels, literally how has this happened thrice

[eosofspades]

okay so maybe it was just me being ahead of the curve or whatever but like. did anyone else have their ultimate misery / severe depression era during middle school instead of high school?

[outofinitiative]

every time i get really interested in a movie, i do this obsessive thing where i watch youtube reactions to the movie

i almost always have thoughts but most of the time i just talk them out into the empty air but there was some common stuff this time so here this is for probably no one but me:

reactions to turning red reactions

the quotes are all obviously paraphrased and when i say i watched a sHIT TON of reaction videos, i'm not kidding so if it sounds like im only targeting one person im not. most of these reactions are from multiple videos and im very much aware that most of the people reacting on youtube are coming from different experiences than me so it's really no biggie.

(also u should know im korean american so when i talk about asian experiences im not speaking on something i dont know. its obviously not a one-to-one with her story (even if i was chinese it wouldn't be cause everybody is different) but many asian and immigrant parents and families share similar experiences. it's why seeing stories that might be even just adjacent to yourself is so important)

- "oh god, why is her mother doing that? she's crazy. she's a stalker" (at the mother arriving at school with the pads): okay, so i will say: this is way past the point that my own mother would do (and i'd say my mom has quite a bit more social tact) but showing up at school? helicoptering? very familiar feeling to me.

story time! during my high school years, i was in the tennis team. (varsity captain actually heheh) but i was also struggling with anemia at the time. so after one particular scare my freshman year, my mother was reminiscent of ming: candy bars, water, towel-anything i needed as soon as i needed it all of the time. she became team mom, not because she was particularly dedicated to the sport or my success but because she was worried about me fainting again, throwing up again, or having to go to the hospital again and her not being there this time.

so, obviously not as mortifying or intense as ming, but it's not exactly unbelievable, just exaggerated.

- "why are they acting like that about 4-town?": *nervously looks over to my deep rooted history with fangirling* so... how do i really...

- "why do they keep hammering that she thinks she's an adult or that she thinks she's gonna become a woman?? she's 13!": that's,,, kind of the point? like was there never a time in your tween/teen life where you were like iM AN ADULT AND MATURE AND I KNOW WHAT IM DOING or was that just me? it's short-sided and inaccurate for us now obviously but that's because we are watching as people who are past that age, but it's similar to the thing with middle school or high school where you think that's your entire life, that everything is banking on how you are and how you feel right now even though years down the line you don't think about it at all.

- "what's up with the dad? just speak up": so,,, this might just be me projecting again with my own experiences of having a quiet and/or absent father, but in this dynamic, it's not really his place. ming has taken control, become the matriarch and it is she that has domains, moves, and opinions on what happens with mei mei.

is it a bit neurotic and in this case slightly detrimental? yes.

is it wholesale inaccurate? no.

- "what's wrong with you, mei mei? stand up for your friends!": i'm gonna start this again with obviously it's fucked up. like you should be able to defend your friends, the ones that actually provide solace and comfort to you at this age. but also that does on some level erase the reality of what this character is. we learned early on that above all else she follows her mother, deeply values the image of who she should be to her family to the point of unable to stand up for herself, take responsibility for what she has done, set boundaries and separate herself from the expectations of her family, and very specifically, her mother.

(for example, with the daisy mart incident, one person might have confronted their mother saying, "it's not my fault i have a crush on devon and it was crossing a line to not only pry into my business but also confront him even when i said i didn't want that to happen and i'm really upset that you did so" but mei mei goes directly to attributing it privately to her own self-control and follies since she knows devon is not to blame the way her mother thinks.)

as messed up as it might be to abandon her friends, it is keeping in line with who she is up to this point. she is spunky and outgoing when she is separate from her family and their obligations, but when she is in these structures and places, she has always up to this point fallen in line.

(she already has abandoned her friends in one way at this point, actually. the first evening, we learn that her mom thinks miriam is odd and that she might disapprove of her. mei mei makes no real move to defend her friend.)

mei mei views her mother as an unmovable object. she may be unstoppable at school or with her friends, but it is not until the end that mei even attempts to really push against the supposed rigidness of her mother and the generational patterns that lay in her way. (honestly, i might speak about this more later but there is a bit also here about how her mother views her and how that affects her own view of herself)

- "why did all of the aunties and grandma and her mom just get to walk through when it was so hard for mei?": i mean one logic that was brought up in the video was that meilin kept on using it over and over, but like everyone else also already banished their spirits. these spirits technically already belong to the astral plane. although they were able to utilize it for a little bit, they all successfully already had their initial ceremonies. they already made choices. even with the loophole of being able to use it in crisis by breaking the artifact that holds it, i doubt that any of them (other than mei obviously), would even really be able to maintain a level of control over it at this point. they have separated themselves from that part of themselves and even if it is a part of their blood, it's not one that they are thoroughly in sync with anymore. the separations for them is how it should be. and what they decided for themselves.

[kryjjovnik]

i remember when i was little me & my grandpa were walking on the street, i think it was autumn and raining, or maybe it was summer and bright out. but i was preschool or first/second grade age, and as i looked at a dirty bus passing us by i noticed an older boy sitting in one of the seats. if somebody asked me then, i would’ve said he was 13 or 14, but in retrospect maybe he was 11. he was just noticeably older, but clearly not a grown teenager or an adult.

and as i looked at him I thought about how many things we see, how many people we meet and love, and how many moments affect us. and then it all gets buried in time, people say they didn’t mean the words they’ve once said, things they’ve done, emotions they’ve felt. people live, buildings get torn down and no one remembers the spider living under the staircase. and as 5 y/o me stood there I thought “that’s such bullshit”

he was such an ordinary boy. but as i looked at him I felt and realized those things so deeply. i don’t know if we made eye contact or not, but i think we did. because i felt a very strong connection. im pretty damn sure we did. i was shy, so i might’ve looked away and tried to act “cool” whatever the fuck that means for a 6 year old.

either way, i remember looking at him and perceiving him, and caring about him, wondering what’s on his mind, where he’s going, what his worldview is like, where he will be in 5 years. 10 years. 20. where would I be? would I be alive? thinking about the extent that people can care about one another. can you care if you don’t fully know? but we rarely if ever fully know or understand anything, even if we think we do, because we’re trapped in a little thinking flesh prison.

but anyway, i knew that i know next to nothing about him. and i realized i don’t want to forget it. like actually not forget it. memories get so warped and shaped by absolutely everything — time, how we feel, how many times we recall a memory, if we ever change it ourselves, consciously or unconsciously. i knew i’d probably never see him again, considering i was little in a big city. i had no idea where his bus was going. i had no idea if he was just visiting. i’ve wondered if we’ll ever cross paths and knew that if we did we’d probably have no idea. if he thought anything of me, he probably forgot the second he turned away, or the bus moved out of sight — whichever came first.

and in that moment i fully accepted that. that I’ll forget parts of it, that he is objectively an insignificant part of maybe 1 minute of my time (if there was a traffic jam) but i saw him, not just his looks, but all of him, not much but I’ve fully perceived everything I could in those seconds, and it truly was important to me. to see and to see clearly and not add assumptions or bias into his image, however much it is humanely possible.

and i realized i never want to forget him. i think of him very rarely, i think i must’ve gone years without recalling this at one point, or maybe I did remember and forgot that i remembered now. and it’s counterintuitive but maybe that’s why I still remember. like i subconsciously made a pact with my brain to not recall it unless the moment is “right”.

but i thought of him today. and i remember him. and i think i always will. i may not remember the weather, or what exactly he was wearing, or where I was going but I remember him. not an idea of him, him. the stranger i knew i will probably never know, never be friends with, never have a crush on. but we saw each other and i remember him. and I remember that there may be a lot I don’t remember.

i hope he is well, if he’s still around, wherever he may be. and when I remember him I wonder if at that young age I was already blessed and cursed with caring more deeply than others.

[thegeminisage]

6, 13, 18?

HI BESTIE ty for asking sorry i didnt do it last night I Went To Bed. lets fuckin go

6. which ship fans are the most annoying?

well, look, the obvious answer would be those j*hnlock truthers, and i do hope those tjlc people are having a wretched day rn wherever they are, but ACTUALLY im actually choosing atla for this just to say (sorry) i hate zu//kka SO MUCH. i hate it so much, it's unreal. i don't particularly have beef with the shippers necessarily but i think the concept is so fucking lame. it's a classic case of migratory slash fandom paired with a side of misogyny. the thought process goes like "zuko is rotting holes in my brain > want to ship him with someone > i don't want to ship him with a female character > the only one left is sokka." (even though suki is right there.) aang is out on the basis of being a baby and the rest of the gaang is girls. if you don't like zutara that's fine, but sokka/zuko is the SAME THING with less anger issues and less women. katara is kind of a devisive character to begin with (this is misogyny) but then one time i saw someone deride zutara for being "straight" to reason why shipping zuko with sokka was superior and i have never forgiven it. IT'S THE SAME SHIP. like HOW was this popular enough to PIT ZUKO/SOKKA/SUKI IN THE OT3 SEMIFINAL POLL? hello?? what were they doing there?? suki and zuko speak TWO LINES to one another! god! i guess that's better than using your ship to excuse hating suki but jesus christ it's so transparent just say you hate women and go

13. worst blorboficiation

i'm not doing this one or your other one for spn bc someone else sent in these exact numbers so i am choosing teen wolf. what im gonna say is so controversial but it's actually peter hale and it's not even fanon that did this IT'S CANON. i used to be a big peter fan and then it got completely ruined. ok so peter's whole thing, right, is that he's a deeply horrible person and that kate argent burned every molecule of humanity out of him during the hale fire. okay, got it. fuck yeah. that's rad. SO WHY THEN. IN THE SEASON 3 FLASHBACK EPISODE. WAS HE ACTING EXACTLY THE SAME AS HE DID AS AN ADULT. and this was the one thing that fanon was getting RIGHT. pre-fire versions of peter in fic were wildly different to post-fire versions BECAUSE THAT WAS THE IMPLICATION. peter works perfectly as a villain because his actions are reprehensible but his motives are justified which makes him COMPLEX and with one episode they RUINED IT. it speaks to a larger problem of jeff davis backtracking a lot of stuff that was said or implied in season 1 (such as kate preying on derek when he was underage) for censorship or what the fuck ever. now whenever i see peter in anything the only thing i wanna do is roll my eyes. they made him like him for ten whole minutes in 6A and that was the best it ever got again. sorry to peter hale fans.

18. it’s absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on…

i won't list my teenwolf rarepair here, but that. oh, wait, actually, my ff13 rarepair. fang & lightning are WAY BETTER than fang & vanille. this on the basis of 1. hot. that section where you can do double commando. sexy. 2. everyone keeps calling vanille a kid and it weirds me out to ship her with someone who calls her that/thinks of her that way 3. lightning/fang is sort of the same dynamic as lightning/snow which i love in a NONROMANTIC way in that lightning is the straight man, very stoic, and fang is so flippant and casual about everything and so open with her emotions that it gets on her nerves until it becomes endearing. and theyre both quite In Charge generally so when lightning is like well every monster is one step closer to rescuing vanille they keep each other going in that same way, out of sheer stubbornness. anyway 10/10 ship dynamic i completely understand and respect fang/vanille fans but i wish fang/lightning got the same amt of attention

[ASK MEME]

[deadxmastreedownthehighway]

to daddy dearest

a happy late birthday to you. i thought of you on your birthday but didnt message you. guess this is my unsent letter to you...

as a child i would naively hope that you would send a private detective to seek for us.. i woild always look at cars parked in front of the schools i would attend. i dreamed of you rescuing us from our mother. i wanted to be saved by you cuz that what dads would do right? i wouldnt be too sure since i was never worth staying back for to raise. no one ever thought i was worth the time. now should i really be as hard on my mother as i am especially since she stayed by my side and fucked me up in the process? i dont know. she made sure to tell me in almost all our fights that you didnt love me. you wanted us gone and aborted.

you never called only when we were 12.. you wanted to add us as dependents on your taxes.. i was secretly excited but you ended the call with my mother soon after.. even my oldest sister would tell me i would be a better child if you were around and that i needed you.. why werent you ever here? i struggled with math. mother would brag how bright you were with math.. she would tell me how many siblings i had in your side.. i was always alone.. i resent you.. even though i cried when i found your email at last and you answered back. it was one of the happiest moments in my life but you didnt allow me to be the greedy child i always wanted to be.. i wanted to be cuddled, comforted and be told everything was going to be alright and that you knew how to fix all of it.. i didnt want to have to build a relationship with another adult.. i wanted to pick up where we last left off when i was 7. i wanted to be a greedy kid.. i didnt to be lectured on what to do with my life.. why didnt you ask me about my fears or if i slept with plushies at night? you missed out on so much.. there was so much to pick up on.. but its never easy with an adult child huh? worse part is your child isnt fine.. it was quite the experience having to disappoint you too.. sometimes i of you too much and it makes me want to bury myself in a hole. i cant handle small talk.. i wanted badly to bond with you but i was the problem.. my expectations were unrealistic.. greedy even. once i saw you were going to provide what i seeked for i left.. i read in many articles about building relationships with a parent as an adult child and i could only think of my 13 year self that would of wanted to meet you. why did i even bother? after the last message on email and how you took so long was the part the stung me deeply.. with my toxic upbringing i assumed the worse.. i assumed it was me to why you stopped massaging.. i shouldnt have pushed beyond that.. when my mother asked i simply told her as if it didnt bother me that you didnt message me until a good while again.. i dont know why but maybe its why i didnt try as hard after when you contacted me after.. i resented you for not being in my life in the first place and after for leaving me again.. i wished emotions were easy to deal with..

surprisingly i felt like an outsider speaking to your other child.. i felt like an outsider speaking to you and listening to you speak of your other kids and even your grandkids.. absurd how you kept in contact with a grandkid in florida instead of with us.. maybe im just being a child with those thoughts.. daddy dearest i hate you and i desire to be with you but i resent you for waiting for your kid to show up to you.. i wish i was mature enough to know how to handle this.. have i met you several years before i would have begged to live with you.. to be saved from my mother.. but i was much too late for that.. i hate being a burden..

[sillybilllly]

1. Do you make your bed?

i am such a bed making hater. why are you making your bed if you're just gonna mess it up again that night????????? BE LOGICAL PLEASE

2. Favorite number?

i am a sucker for number 49 (also 19 and 31 ig)

3. What's your job?

.... kfc... I FUCKING HATE IT HERE PLEASE LET ME OUTTTT

4. If you could back to school, would you?

NO NEVER WHAT NO NO NO (im still in school it is my eternal prison)

5. Can you parallel park?

that one time my dad tried to teach me did not end well!! not looking forward to getting my learners...

6. Do you think aliens are real?

if i think about anything outside of earth i fall into a deep existentialist crisis

7. Can you drive a manual car?

tbh they seem more practical than electrical cars so i reckon id have better luck with them

8. Guilty pleasure?

too many to count... completely embarrassing myself and yapping to people ive known for like 10 minutes (dont talk to me about my hockey team dinner last night)

9. Tattoos?

i went through such a phase where i wanted so many, i definitely still want some, probs smth small tho

10. Favorite color?

changes periodically, love red and blue tho (klance...) but have gotten into orange recently

11. Favorite type of music?

changes all the time but probs indie, 2010s pop, and the star of the show: SAD DEPRESSING LYRICS!!

12. Do you like puzzles?

I AM SUCH A SLUT FOR PUZZLES!! im so bad at them and they make me want to end it all but god i love them so much

13. Any phobias?

spiders and bugs i cannot deal with them. also compliments from adults, something in my brain breaks when that happens (i have embarrassed myself so much)

14. Favorite childhood sport?

i was a nonsport kid which i regret deeply now. but fav sport (currently) is definitely ice hockey <33

15. Do you talk to yourself?

i cannot think quietly, i mutter to myself at all times of the day

16. Tea or coffee?

coffee my actual beloved

17. First thing you wanted to be growing up?

according to my grandfather it changed everyday but the first i remember is astronaut. still into science so i got smth right ig

18. What movies do you adore?

have to say... i am not a movie person, more into tv shows. i really like the flash (tv show) and the first 3 seasons of umbrella academy (no one fucking talk to me about season 4)

I HAVE NO ONE TO TAG SO IM GONNA TAG @shroomyippe AGAIN

get to know me ‼️

thanks to @dear-space-cadet for the tag :-)

1. Do you make your bed? not really, but i do tidy up my bed a little

2. Favorite number? probably 7, i know its a popular favourite number but thog dont c aare its a good number

3. What's your job? don’t have one 💪 🔥 💯 i plan to apply to some like. shelf-stocking and similar type jobs soon when i get round to it

4. If you could back to school, would you? haven’t left it yet so i dont have much choice in the matter here lol

5. Can you parallel park? never tried but i doubt it considering i cant drive lmao

6. Do you think aliens are real? i believe theres bound to be other forms of life somewhere out there but idk if i believe in aliens in the traditional sense

7. Can you drive a manual car? once more i cannot drive any car

8. Guilty pleasure? watching true crime videos and then getting paranoid, getting into stupid arguments in youtube comment sections & getting way too invested in niche internet discourse

9. Tattoos? none atm and i dont think i plan to get any . but that could change

10. Favorite color? dull-ish blue (similar to the colour of my blog)

11. Favorite type of music? truly i cannot pick one

12. Do you like puzzles? jigsaw puzzles im ambivalent towards, logic puzzles i usually enjoy

13. Any phobias? no full-on phobias but i do kinda freak out at the idea of swimming with jellyfish

14. Favorite childhood sport? climbing!

15. Do you talk to yourself? all the time 👍

16. Tea or coffee? to be fully honest i drink neither but i’d have to say tea . ive had more tea than coffee in my life and i enjoy tea more generally

17. First thing you wanted to be growing up? when i was like 3-6 i would always say i wanted to be a dog (bc i did) and when i eventually came to terms with that not being a career option, i would usually say artist (but i also somewhat wanted to be a comedian from like ages 7 or 8 to age 10)

18. What movies do you adore? saw (2004) is my absolute fav, i also love donnie darko, american psycho, zoolander, ten inch hero & anything directed by jordan peele. + horror movies in general are my favs

im gonna actually continue a tag game for once SOOO. tags (no pressure ofc 👍): @nintendont2502 @gorillaxyz @s-ccaam-era-crepe @paranormalglass @dykesism

[the-kipsabian]

before i go to bed, since its ace week

hi. my name is night. im an aroace agender person

i dont connect with a gender. im physically a woman cause i dont know what i want from my body to actually look like, and getting treatment is behind a wall made out of loooooong time of doctors appointments and therapy and tests and whatnot. even more so for a person like me who has been diagnosed with mental issues before. however, that doesnt change the fact that i feel no connection to this gender, or any other - i mentally see myself just as a meat blob, having to just exist in this body without another option right now, tho what i physically look like on the outside rn does not represent how i actually feel. i know im genderless. im not a woman nor do i want to be, im also not a man nor do i wanna be that either. im also not a secret third option, im no option at all. im the 'opt out to not answer this question' button. the none of the other

im also very much an aromantic. ive had crushes before tho so ive thought for the longest time i might be demi. cause all my crushes came to be after a mental connection with these people were made. but it also never came with more than 'oh this person was nice to me at a time i really needed that, i like them and wanna maybe like be close to them and idk hold hands??’ but thinking back on it now, ive never actually like. felt romantic towards anyone. i have never been in love as far as im concerned. i dont like kissing, hugs and hand holding are reserved for people i care about closely but not in a sense where i wanna date them. or maybe i’d like to try, but i also know im never gonna love them as more than my friends. any kind of intimate bullshit is out of the question unless we’re close friends and mostly when i initiate. i think im incapable of feeling romantic love, but i dont think this is a bad thing in the slightest. i just view it as the necessary evil in a sense, where all the love i do got to give is the same for everyone regardless of our status and their gender etc., and its just a sign that we are friends. i have a love language, but its not romantic, i dont feel it, but i still show it to people who i deeply do care about. and thats okay

ive always been ace. i grew up always thinking everyone else was weird (and honestly kinda gross lmao) thinking about sex and kissing and boyfriends and girlfriends and i was just. idk in a sense trying to fit in. but i never leaned that way, i still dont - ive known for the longest time that i am sex repulsed, thats nothing new to me, which is why even as a supposed adult at the ripe age of 30 (lol) im still not getting into smut, like yeah that should be saying something. like this started when i was maybe like 12 or 13 and this kind of stuff started to pop up for the first time in my small friend circle, and i just never got into anything like that that a person my age was maybe supposed to. i was never interested. and one thing im thankful about having grown up the fucked up way i did is that i never dated. i never had to find out about my orientation that way. like maybe i spent a lot of time thinking i was a demi on this section too, just thinking that it was very normal for kids not to be that horny as i wasnt either - but i still couldnt get into the “horny” stuff kids my age were getting into. it was weird. but, i had all the time to think about it, and eventually when i got old enough to separate the sexual and romantic attractions and online became a place i could search on my own safely (yay first own laptop!) and more informative about this stuff, the labels just. kinda fell into my lap. and it made sense. ive made my peace about being this way a long time ago and i dont care what that makes me in someone elses eyes (for example, my mom thinks its better that im “supposedly ace” rather than i would date girls :))) ), i know who i am and how i am. and im ace. and you can have all the sex you want idc im not here to preach i just know thats not for me and i do not crave for it, not now, not ever, and never have

oh and also yeah i think my bio says flux in there, its a thing i was made aware of recently in my last identity meltdown few months ago, which is basically like. you are the base of these identities (in this case, aroace) but some times it might very slightly but noticeably fluctuate towards something else for a brief amount of time - so if you’ve ever seen one of my gay panic moments yeah it might be actual real gay feelings i have. i dont know, but it feels appropriate and accurate and even if its not, having a little label to pin on it like an asterisk helps my anxiety about it so. yeah. and thats the most important things

im not only writing this to make it clear who i am and what i am, but maybe someone will see this and know that no matter what they identify as and what they are, they are valid and loved. if nothing else, i love you 💜

[ibroughtyoumybullets]

you got into mcr as an ADULT?

ok wait i think this is from the other night when i let the one direction beast out of her cage but i love telling this story so im answering it late. sorry i don’t look at my inbox enough.

yes!! kind of. <- short answer.

long answer: so i was starting to get into rock music when i was about … 12? my first Band That Was Mine was paramore but after the farro brothers left the band in 2010 i was in search of something else to love. i got into atl (eugh) and the Maine (the loves of my life listen to the maine NOW) and fall out boy (don’t listen to them that much anymore but they were important to my musical development) and that old Ryan Ross and Dallon Weekes project that fell off (weird that they never released anything after v&v? anyhow) and several other bands that were accessible to my little 12 year old brain.

and then one day when i was listening to camisado on YouTube i was looking for other songs that made me Feel The Same and this song by this band called my chemical romance called Mama popped up in the yt recommended sidebar. so I listened to it and was like “wait why is this music scary. this song makes me scared. am i even allowed to listen to this it has the word mama and hell in it am I gonna get in trouble” and got nervous and stopped listening. but i would go back to it every so often and it led me to teenagers which I would listen to when I wanted to feel cool and wttbp which was wholly inaccessible to my 12 year old brain but i still thought was cool anyhow.

and then, later, maybe a couple months later? i was on YouTube watching the what makes you beautiful music video over and over again and this song called NaNaNa came up in recommended. and the music video BLEW MY LITTLE BRAIN AWAY. IT WAS UNLIKE ANYTHING I HAD EVER SEEN BEFORE. the colors and cars and the outfits and the GUITARS and the guns and the lyrics … fucking altered the fabric of my life. so I watched the sing music video and it did the same to me and i was motherfucking INTRUIGED. so I did some googling and saw they had started to release new music. i didn’t really understand the a/b side singles format but I thought maybe this was just a different way bands released albums. so I waited patiently for each single drop - and it wasn’t quite like their other music but it still really interested me.

this, notably, was around the time i started attending concerts. the first real concert I attended was an Ed sheeran show at the house of blues when he was touring his first album and was mostly only known by one direction fans in the US. and I was like … oh this is the coolest thing in the world and I wanna do it all the time. I had tickets to a concert for the Maine in June of that year, 3 days after the time I would see one direction live. So my 13 year old brain was like YES since I am now grown (lol) and a concert goer I will wait until mcr announces a tour for their new music and go and it’ll be great.

and then they broke up. lol.

and i was like. SAD. well there are other bands. and just kind of moved on. there were boy bands to blog about. it wasn’t a huge loss to me. they hadn’t Gotten me yet.

but during the time they were broken up, particularly as I got older, I could never quite listen to them. i would try to occasionally but it just made me sad because I knew I could really love this band and they weren’t around for me to love them and I didn’t feel like setting myself up to love a band I would never see.

but in spring of 2019 I was a sophomore in college, deeply, deeply depressed, and holed up in my room 22 stories up going crazy with insomnia. and my mom texted me and was like “hey me and dad have started watching this show, the umbrella academy. its based off a comic book that was written by Gerard way? Who was in a band? I think you would like it” so I started milking tua dry for hyperfixation serotonin and was watching cast interviews, etc, and then I watched one with Gerard in it. and I was like. oh. it’s you it’s the band guy. maybe I’ll listen to some of your music as a treat.

so I started listening to danger days a lot. i think I needed the color in my life. and i really enjoyed it, especially since I was older and had a better understanding of myself and music. but it still made me sad, you know? i really liked this band but they clearly weren’t ever going to exist again - I mean Gerard clearly had his own stuff going on, and this was before Twitter introduced Topics so I would get Frank’s tweets about his touring in my recommended Twitter feed. the band was dead. so I’d listen to danger days and absorb whatever hope I could from it and walk away better but still sad.

this continued throughout the summer and into the fall.

this is the funniest part of this story: mid October 2019 I was in a parking lot with my friends smoking weed and listening to music. somebody gave me the aux and I put on DD and we had a discussion about our younger and more emo days and i said “I hope you guys know if they ever got back together I would drag you to see them” and they were all like yeah that’s fair.

and then, on Halloween 2019, I was on a train on my way out to visit a friend in college so we could party (I had dropped out LOL) and I was sitting on the train waiting for it to leave the station. i had a whole playlist ready and was getting into the drunk and slutty mood. I opened Twitter one last time before I turned my signal off so I could conserve battery and somebody had tweeted that mcr had gotten back together and I was like. ok not funny. but then I saw another tweet about it. and another. so I cautiously opened the MCR Twitter page and saw it was real. i could not fucking believe it. so i through my playlist out of the window and listened to black parade front to back for the first time in my life, cried a little, had everything change for me.

and then there were days and days where I would listen to all of their albums and tried my best to eat their music alive. I started stalking the MCR tag on tumblr, started following a couple people from mcrblr on my old blog, and began letting myself Love them.

and then there was the shrine and an offering and a summoning and the insanity of accepting I would be able to see them live with my own little eyes. the day tickets dropped I literally left work on my half hour break, went home, fought Ticketmaster, and got tickets for me and my friends. I’d never been so excited.

and there was a plague and several years and in the interim they have become My Band. I’m never going to love another band like this and I don’t want to. im so happy to be here and I’m so happy it happened now, when I’m older and have a better handle on myself and have the ability to chase them around.

so yeah. this was long but so was my journey to them. if I’m weird about my chemical romance it’s just because I had to wait a decade for them and it feels very much like fate to me.

[leafcabbage]

LEAFSPROUTGREENS. the deleted scene. fuck lorraine im glad she's dead and is being used as a paper weight. literally half of ranboo's trauma doesnt even come from the car crash but her terrible parenting practices and that upsets me so much. the poor kid never had time to heal. they deserved so much better. still think about how much they dislike the pale-ish purple because it was his sheet's color when he lived with Lorraine. Why are you so good at making sad scenes that don't make you sad on the spot but make you think and make you sad because that's infinitely worse like why

this ended up so long lmao

yes!! a large portion of their struggles stems from not getting any of the support they needed psychologically and the bare minimum for their physical health. ranboo feels like she did enough on that level because they got physical and speech therapy, and she paid for their hospital bills (though that was largely from their parents money, they did get any of that because of medical bills. even with insurance that shit is overwhelming.) but those things stopped when they could walk and when they could talk clearly enough. they never got a lot of the rehabilitation that would have made things a lot better. they never went to therapy. the most they got was a few prescription medications that made things easier physically (which they cant afford anymore).

they were heavily neglected and when lorraine got cancer when they were 15ish, they had no adult in their life. well... jenna. but jenna didn't like them. jenna heavily resented them. they had no friends, they had no meaningful relationships; as much as the soulmates angle is kinda true with drdi!benchtrio, there's also a level of ranboo blindly trusting tommy and tubbo now that its been proved that they care, that they love ranboo. this is the first time ranboo has been loved, or even remotely cared about since they were 13. i think they've still not accepted that people who arent tommy and tubbo can love them. its a bit of an exception in their mind. so they need to make sure they stay worth it. they're still afraid of losing it, especially now that the break is over.

ranboo was incredibly depressed and passively suicidal throughout the last five years. they were deeply lonely, had absolutely no hope, and didnt think they deserved for things to get better. they had and still have survivors guilt, struggle with the idea that people dont love them "despite" their mental and physical health and appearance, but love them wholly and unconditionally. in high school no adult had the capacity to help them, though they had one or two teachers who worked with them and did care, and they had to put in like 3x the work to get through. if you think about their life its just... sad. there's a reason they dont talk about it.

fun fact, ranboo's room at lorraines is based around a room ive made in the sims. im so cool. im so cool. maybe ill remake it and show y'all what a sick rad gamer i am.

[vampelune]

does anyone have a weird nostalgia and appreciation for the adolescence of our generation (old zoomers/young millennials) growing up online. 

sometimes very unique about being a 13 year old who was experiencing so much grief that the only means of coping was drowning yourself in online communities and often too dark anime & roleplay or whatever. Stupid shit like kin drama and black square profile pictures when you were having a depressive episode or breakdown

Like . i guess kids around that age group are having their own run of that now and im annoyed by it because im an adult or whatever but fuck. that part of my life still probably meant something and was still deeply difficult and even if “cringy” it was my means of expressing myself

this is incoherent im just. Thinking about it? how the tropes of scene/emo/weeb kids online are mocked mostly because it was afab & queer kids engaging in it but i dont know why we consider it cringe. we obviously all acted like that for a reason, most of had difficult lives and no means of expressing it so that was how we ended up doing so

even if the “sad anime profile picture” or the black square are kind of memes now its kind of cathartic to remember that that was a way of us expressing our sadness to the people around us without having to come out and say it, something infinitely harder than changing a profile picture. even if it was “attention-seeking” i dont think being attention seeking means it’s a bad thing necessarily. a cry for help is attention seeking too

and drawing or writing weirdly graphic and depressing art too. god i remember the stupid “outside im smiling inside im dying” but that shit resonated with me so hard when i was in middle school lmao? because it was true. i had so  much shit going on internally but i couldnt deal with it, i didnt know HOW, so i just acted happy until i got home and could roleplay some depressed anime girls

anyways i also find it funny that this specific era of internet is now a tumblr core tag 

[night-rhea]

Im here to make problem ! ... nah im asking 12,13,16 and 18 of your future of Night, but mostly 16, Tonk marry remus and have a child how she react to it? Like girl, nobody can think of our prankster becoming something more serious but here she was (and here she die...)

12-What was MC’s reaction learning Bill and Charlie’s little sister went missing her First Year?

She was still in touch with them when it happened. Of course she was terrified. She deeply love Weasley's only daughter and just like her brothers, Night was protective over her too. (she had a big collection of little things Night get for her from the places she travel.) Mostly, Night was terrified the idea of Cursed Vaults return. She couldnt let Cursed Vaults damage Weasleys more than already it did. She wanted to go Hogwarts immedietly but Dumbledore told her he is %100 sure about its not Cursed Vaults and they can hande it. The last part made Night worry more (Dumbledore told her exactly same thing while she was student...) But Jacob convince her not to go. İn the end, she visit Ginny and listen her mumbling about the boy who lived and saved her.

13-What was MC’s reaction to finding out Bill was attacked by Fenrir?

First, YOU KNOW ı hate Fenrir because of the fic you read. I literally hate him. So ı have to make him pay for hurting Bill. Aand since Night is a bad dark witch it wont be too absürt for her to visit him right? If Fenrir was injured in the same day, it would be a just a concidence, thank you.

" I heard you are not afraid of witches. Im here to find out if you will be afraid of this one."

16-What was MC’s reaction to Tonks getting married and having a child?

Of course for the obvious reasons, Night learned very late that she is married. She learned this from some death-eater she is working with.

"İf only ı can get my hands on this metamorphmagus bitch and her filfy husband.." Night was like "what the fuck are you talking about? There is only one metamorphmagus" She had a very hard time while she was trying to hide her shock.

Because of Tonks dead love life of her student years, Night though she would marry very late or not at all. But marrying in this young age? WİTH REMUS?? Are they know each other? Since when??? İs chiara behind this? WAİT SHE HAVE A CHİLD TOO?! HOW THE-

Right After her shock gone, she felt a terrifiying sadness. How they are gonna be happy family in all this mess? She should pay them more attention from now on.

Night made everything she can for them but of course there is a little she can do to help them without anyone noticing. Tonks only saw how Night hunted down their friends, not how she killed another Death Eater who tried to hurt Remus.

One of Night's biggest regrets, is how she couldnt explain herself to Tonks and Remus. How they are gone while hating Night. Everytime she visit their grave, she confess to them whatever she can say without crying. And promise them that she can do everything for Teddy.

"How can ı ask for your forgiveness while ı couldnt protect your lives and futures. Even though i was the only one who could."

18-Did MC ever return to Hogwarts for some reason? (Triwizard Tournament? Yule Ball Chaperone? Visiting Professor’s or Weasley’s? Guest Professor? Etc.)

Oh yes she did.

For help to Snape when he was a Headmaster..

She never felt this evil in her whole life. "These are children..." She though. " I shouldnt make them scared of me. Of life. Of living."

While she had to scare and punish students, she actually saved them from some crazy dark witch and wizards. Of course they wasn't aware of that. But Night had a feeling that Ginny was somehow still believed in her. Or else, why wouldnt she scared of Night? Why smile to her when no one is around?

Ask about Adult Night

[pissoffghosts]

Pick 5 shows, then answer the following questions, don’t cheat. Tag 10 (or however many) people.

Thanks @saphyrenights for tagging me 😘

1. Criminal Minds

2. Elementary

3. Queer As Folk

4. Teen Wolf

5. Psych

1. Who is your favourite character in 2?

JOAN WATSON. I’m ride or die for that bitch I love her so much. She’s such a good character that was already great but she grew and has become her better self. Plus Lucy Liu is super hot and I’m gay.

2. Who is your least favourite character in 1?

If I’m going off the main group that is in most of the episodes then I’ll say Rossi. I don’t dislike him but he’s never been my favorite.

3. What is your favourite episode of 4?

Probably Motel California. Posey is so good in that episode and it makes me cry every time. But the one where Scott becomes an alpha is also one of my faves because it was so satisfying to see him get what he deserves.

4. What is your favourite season of 5?

Tbh I’m not sure. I don’t think of Psych in seasons because they all kinda blend together. But I think after season 1 when it kinda seemed like they knew where they were going was when it started to get really good.

5. Who is your favourite couple in 3?

Definitely Brian and Justin. Do I think they’re an unconventional couple who needs to sort out their issues? Yea 100%. But seeing how much they care for each other, even when they’re not together, makes my heart hurt.

6. Who is your favourite couple in 2?

I’m gonna count Joanlock as a couple. Yes I know they’re technically not together but all the other official couples don’t really interest me. Plus they both deeply care about each other and I think they’re soulmates.

7. What is your favourite episode of 1?

Oh god that’s hard to answer there’s just so many to choose from. But I really like the episode where Reid and the black widow lady are having a standoff in the restaurant. Besides that I’m completely blanking.

8. What is your favourite episode of 5?

I honestly don’t think I have a favorite episode lmao.

9. What is your favourite season of 2?

Probably 1. I thought all the Moriarty stuff was fun.

10. How long have you watched 1?

Since basically the beginning. I don’t know for sure but if I had to guess since season 2 was airing and there’s like 14 seasons now so maybe 13 years.

11. How did you become interested in 3?

I think my friend watched it and got me into it. But I remember it was a pain to watch because it was way too adult for me at the time and I had to make sure my parents weren’t around lol.

12. Who is your favourite actor in 4?

Tyler Posey!!! I love this boy so much and I just want him to be happy.

13. Which do you prefer, 1, 2, or 5?

Ugh dude don’t make me chose. But I guess if I had to pick it would be Criminal Minds.

14. Which show have you seen more episodes of, 1 or 3 ?

Well criminal minds is up to what like 14 seasons and qaf has 5 sooooooo

15. If you could be anyone from 4, who would you be?

Stiles because I want to be Scott’s best friend so I can treat him right.

16. Would a crossover between 3 and 4 work?

Yea Scott goes to liberty avenue meets Debbie and the gang, realizes he’s been bi all along and then lives happily ever after with Isaac.

17. Pair two characters in 1 who would make an unlikely but strangely okay couple?

Tbh I don’t know. I would say Jj and Reid but we all know how the writers fucked that up 😒

18. Overall, which show has the better storyline, 3 or 5?

Probably Psych. I love Queer as Folk don’t get me wrong but some of the storylines were real dumb and not everything aged well.

19. Which has the better theme music, 2 or 4?

God I love both so much but if I had to chose Teen Wolf. It gets me so hype every time I hear it. And that one scene where they used it in the show *chefs kiss*

Im tagging :

@biniall @lindszeppelin @jaldinegerams @bckwrds-purpose and anyone else who wants to do this. I’m serious just tag me I wanna see.

[jungdrizzydraco]

An O.C. for Your Asses!!!

I wanna see if the characters are legit before I move forward with this short story im working on (I'm a character first kinda guy, so I work inside-out) leave any form of constructive critique you wish, they are still works in progress, thanks!!

Augustine Harriet Andersson

Age:22

Sign: Gemini (sun) Cancer (moon) Virgo (rising)

Height: 5'8

Eye Color: Formerly dark-brown, bleached to a pastel-hazel because of some dark magic fuckery

Hair Color/Cut: dark-brown,q shifting variations of a fade, whose design changes somewhat based on his thoughts and emotions (yes, this is an enchanted fade)

Build: lean, lightly muscled from years lifting cauldrons in his grandfather's potion shop

Notable Features: Dimples; left-dimple is deeper than right, multiple piercings on each ear, artificial left eye (looks organic but to magical eyes, it looks otherwise)

"Have you ever been like...fundamentally angry? I feel that way...like at my core, there's this rage that seethes and coils at the pit of my stomach, everyday, like a python that can't quite squeeze his prey all the way to death. Everytime I think I've grown up, forgiven something or someone or myself, there's this anger that tightens right back up all over again...like it's reminding me of something. Somedays...I feel like that feeling will petrify everything I've ever loved about myself, and I'll just be another slave to outrage and ego and pain...just like everyone else...haha, then I'll really be a normie."  -August Andersson, on his depression and internal anger issues.

Augustine Andersson is a witch-boy. But you could probably already tell that from looking at him: the way his eyes are almost constantly fixed towards some unseeable infinity, the way air molecules hum with fresh, manic energy around him, how he seems to absorb sunlight and the way his brown skin would filter the glow as a result of his connection to the natural...it was all very off putting to others around him for most of his young adult life. And as we all know, no one likes a freak, so such years had a hand in building his current trust issues, feelings of great anger and inadequacy, and all the tics and tricks he uses to keep such feelings at bay. He's not at a total loss; at his core he is a humanitarian, deeply compassionate and available to those who have managed to capture his heart, as well as wild and humorous. However, he keeps a tight lid on his darkest feelings and insecurities, out of fear that they may be too much for those around him (also, he might accidentally call forth a vile arch-daemon on accident, but that's neither here nor there.) After finally having had enough of his mundane time amongst the humans, he vanishes from his college campus one day and takes to the open road, hoping that like the many young, angsty teens in the movies he loves, he will find himself in his own solitude. But the best way to deal with oneself is when confronting someone else, and after a close-call with a reckless (and very cute) motorcycle rider on an interstate, August will be forced to deal with every single part of himself, the good, the bad, and the strange...

A few more things about him...

1. His father is Afro-swedish, hence his last name.

2. Loves to travel and is nomadic by nature.

3. He gets a special kind of warmth out of being moderately petty at all times.

4. He loves open spaces and bodies of water, as well as hikes through mountains (ok so he only went once in Vegas, so sue him, he really liked it!)

5. Surprisingly low maintenance, really just likes being around people that are happy, and the feeling easily rubs off on him.

6. Both positive and negative emotions easily rub off on him.

7. Can get caught up in moments of warm content, given his unstable interior life, and can get lost in wasting/spending time.

8. Gets restless easily.

9. Budding film buff, faves include Kill Bill vol. 1&2, Her, Moonrise Kingdom, Gone Girl, Blue is the Warmest Color, Moonlight, & Mean Girls.

10. August's father is very engaged with politics and civil rights, so in honor of that, he decided that his son's middle name would belong to one of the greatest figures of the civil rights movement: Harriet Tubman.

11. Favorite new movie is The Favourite.

12. Due to a lack of acceptance of his full self and the full spectrum of his sexuality, he is judgemental of others and holds them to the same near-impossible standards he holds for himself. 

13. Things he expects from others: To read his mind and conjure what he wants without saying, to have his needs and boundaries respected without actually stating so, for others to fit in whatever box he thinks they should be in, for everyone's intellect to be slightly lower than his own, but high enough not to annoy him with silly questions, ect.

14. Listens to Lorde, J. Cole, Rex Orange County, Frank Ocean, Lana Del Rey, Tyler the Creator, Young Thug and assorted film soundtracks.

15. Enjoys playing into his double-sided nature when it suits him, and has a secret glee in melding into different roles depending on who's around him.

16. Is attracted to more eccentric personalities in platonic and romantic relationships

17. Smokes weed to escape boredom. (and his problems)

18. Smokes weed because he likes the feeling.

19. Is secretly a little ratchet, but he'll kill you if you say so, it'll fuck up his reputation as the quasi-sociopathic erudite.

Magic House-Thoth

Augustine is a member of the Sacred House of Life, witches whose magic is passed down from the Egyptian Gods themselves. August himself is a descendant of an African slave-witch, once known as Ashe. She was taken to Egypt as a typical piece of cargo from zealot raiders, and was sentenced to a life of building the pyramids. Or so she would have thought: Thoth, the God of Magic and Knowledge, took pity upon her and beguiled her to follow an invisible force into the desert one night. He then revealed himself to her in his ibis-headed brilliance and bestowed upon her a set of choices: he could free her now and set her loose across the desert with all the things she would need for survival, or he could give her secrets and wisdoms unknown to man at the time, but she would have to frequently return to him for lessons. Ashe always prized knowledge and growth over any material thing, or even something such as freedom (I prefer to disagree myself). And secrets from a God must count for that much more, right? She indulged in option two. Thoth grinned and whispered to her the mysteries of life, the secrets of the stars, and the riddles of worlds lost and intangible, he spoke magick into her very soul. She would then use her newfound knowledge to fool her captors, freed any slave that would believe in her, and with her wits about them, guided them across the desert to build a library-like sanctuary, in honor of Thoth. The former slaves then learned from the god's teachings, passed through Ashe, and became witches and educators in their own right, and Ashe came to lead this new coven of magi. This is how the House of Thoth became to be. 

Magick: As a member of house of Thoth, August has the ability to manipulate various aspects of the moon, writing, hieroglyphics, knowledge and sciences, and the progression of time. His particular specialty is the creation of Moon Dust, a substance used as a medium for most of his spells. By gathering various quantities of mineral, be it: crystal, rocks, pearls, aluminum, or even silvers and golds, he can channel his magic into them and break down and rearrange their atomic components into a corrosive, abrasive substance that also tends to stick to objects due to an electric charge. This dust is also dangerous to breathe in. He tends to carry around a pouch or two on his person, as trying to create some on the fly is nearly impossible given how much time and intricacy is needed to create the substance. (I mean, working with just a pile of plain old rocks would take a couple of hours to convert, let alone harder or more distilled substances.) Spells that he has mastered so far include...

Spell of Refraction: A spell in which the moondust bonds to whomever or whatever August desires (sans the harmful effects, it's enchanted in this state) and whatever is enveloped in dust turns invisible via light refraction.

Spell of Revelations: He can spread his moondust over an area and have the pieces cling to imprints of negative emotion or dark magick. A spell used for forensic work.

Spell of Retribution: An offensive spell that uses moondust to its fullest offensive powers and creates small funnels of dust to ravage the opponent. The largest funnel made could surround a fully grown man.

Golemancy:  Can create golems out of the moon dust he has formed, usually no larger than a human toddler. They tend to take form roughly resembling lego-men (he was a big fan of the Lego Expanded Universe as a child), but one can easily be fooled by their size: each golem has the strength of three men, and can combine to further power themselves up.

There are a few spells that don't require the moon dust...

-The Veil: A surface-level illusion layered directly over the skin. This allows the caster to look like whatever he wants to look like and sound however he wants, but can be broken if struck with bad intentions (like a slap from an offended woman on the street)

 -Somnus: A very old, yet practical spell. Also one that does not require moondust, this handy spell induces sleep.  Those affected by this spell will not remember being forced to sleep, but they will have active and vivid dreams for distraction. Also necessary for Dream Diving.

-Dream Diving:  A skill Augustine has yet to master, this allows the caster to astral project into one's consciousness for complete access to the afflicted parties mind, if the brain is distracted by dreams. August has gotten stuck in several public nude dreams, and it takes long hours to remove oneself from another's mind.

-Illusion Casting 

-Temporary Madness Inducement

-Script Magick: By writing down a word or phrase on any surface that can be sufficiently marked on, whatever has been written manifests somehow, just so long as it is within his power. He can't create miracles with it though.

Top 10 Roadtrip Songs

Sobriety- Sza

No Role Moldelz-J. Cole

Sacrifices -Dreamville, assorted artists

Grown Up Fairy Tails- Chance the Rapper, Taylor Bennett 

My Boy-Billie Eilish

U.N.I.T.Y.- Frank Ocean

West Coast: Lana Del Rey

Cruise Ship-Young Thug

400 Lux-Lorde

Let Em Know- Bryson Tiller

[alilaro]

. reasons im not apart of the twilight “fandom” anymore :

   long post. the rest is under the cut →

this is dumb, but im just kind of realizing i dont have to prove myself to any fandom. im not in some little clique where I have to know everyone and vice versa. I don't have to draw characters I hate to "stay relevant".

Gods, I've spent so long thinking my self-worth was linked to how much I could produce to this hivemind of people. The notes, the likes, the reblogs. But... I dont know any of those people.

I know who my friends are and what matters to me is them and my followers. Not some collection of 3k people that I'm supposed to feel 'unified' with because of one vague common interest -- but they're strangers! I dont know or care about them -- and I dont have to!

I dont mean that negatively I just mean its true! A fandom isnt like a community or a family, its just strangers until you decide to make some of them more than that.

Its just that... my god... I've spent so long worrying about what people think of me, what they say about me behind their backs. All these people I tried to impress, put on a show for and act a certain way to maintain a social status -- but none of it was real! It was always fake. Pretending to smile and collaborating with people I disliked despite the anxiety and self-loathing it made me feel, that I was happy and enjoying myself, and that the fandom was this niche part of the internet where everyone knows eachother and we all are a family--- but it was always some stupid game. I put of a facade to hide the lies and the shame and the gut-wrenching depression, because "no one likes a downer, arin."

What I'm trying to say is that... fandom life is not for me. I have anxiety, being in this fandom makes me paranoid and nauseous---and while some people thrive, I don't. Its toxic for me and my mental health.

I don't want to be apart of the fandom anymore. I don't want to be associated with the series anymore---I hate it. I literally loathe Twilight as a series so much, same as its horrible author. I have multiple histories involving forced catholic religious worship growing up, and later involvement with a cult. It’s too personal and I know the kind of bullshit “holier-than-thou” hypocrisy that Meyer slips into her narrative because I lived it and I fucking hate it. I dont want to reblog content just because I feel pressured to.

I shouldnt have to silence myself and hide my opinions because they're unpopular and I might be hated. Seeing me or my friends being vagued because of something so petty as not liking certain characters. The raw never-ending paranoia of 'what if they dont like me' 'are they going to make others hate me' 'when am I going to get a callout post.' And I realize I spent all this time trying to get people to like me that I realize some of these people would never return the thought, to worry if they were ever good enough for me.

This is not to shit on the fandom. This is a very personal problem. I've been here since 2011 now and I can't keep playing this game.

My art is my art. I love what I've made the Volturi into like they were my own creations -- and so obviously I am not going to stop uploading them. But I think its also important to differentiate that I am not in the fandom, nor am I a fan. I may have been once, but for my own health I'm cutting my ties.

On a more personal level: my dad almost went to hospital last night and it caused me to have a meltdown, and so ive just been awake all last night thinking about things. And I realized something. 

I tried to like the cullens for a long time but it just reminds me of being in the closet and all the fear and guilt and shame I felt at the time. Liking the Volturi for me is escapism. It always has been that way.

I was only 13 and it was like my link to things that were out of the norm and a community of people were different. No one said it out loud but there was always this silent solidarity with fans I knew that we were “different” (ie non cishet) and it was scary. But things like gender and sexuality made sense there. You weren’t yelled at for doing things to spite canon—because there was never enough given to these side characters that it would matter. You could add whatever and project whatever you wanted onto these characters and for the most part it was accepted.

And then having to come back to friends at school and pretend everything was okay was harmful and damning. Twilight was literally my entire puberty, the transition from child to adult, and the similarities linking my interest with the Volturi is locked tight in my soul. I remember even petty things like seeing my straight friends obsessing over Cullen boys and me having to pretend to agree every time wasn't nice.

I know it’s not really that deep, but the Cullens and seeing it on my dash and people forcing it on me, it feels like some kind of metaphor for be being in the closet again. To conform, to change. To me, the Volturi is a personal metaphor for my growth and straying from normality that was being straight and cisgendered.

And its been many years since then but the ideology is so deeply ingrained within me that even at 22 I can’t just unroot that.

And this is all on me. I get that. I know this isn’t the universal experience for everyone that liked Twilight, but it is my experience, and that matters for something.

I just... want to do my own thing. Without people yelling at me about canon or my headcanons being gross or wrong or ugly. Its tiring. I’m tired. I just need a break.

I hope this makes some notion of sense? Im going through a lot of things at the moment and finding out who I am and what I want in the process. And while the fandom has brought me the privilege of meeting and befriending some of the most absolutely wonderful people I've ever met, its also brought me spite and jealousy and rage, and it just feels like im drowning in it.

Its not personal. And you will barely any notice a change in my posts after this, if any.  I will still upload and reblog like usual but now hopefully with more confidence and a scar thats begun healing. 

I just wanted to clear the air and let yall know where I am right now.

Hope yall have a wonderful day. 🌸🌸

[groundramon]

Actually you know what, hot take because I was talking about MOGAI discourse earlier: discourse around media (such as “anti” behavior) can be just as harmful to kids as MOGAI labels.  Not in the same way of course, the only similarity they have is that they both come from a place of good intent.

To preface this before you read my first paragraph and go off on me: I am an anti.  I am a minor.  I have been an anti for years.  I’m talking from my experiences as well as things I’ve observed on this website.  Also, if you call yourself an anti-anti or think anti discourse is stupid or whatever, stop reading this right now because you’re not welcome here.  This is not arguing that anti mentality is bad - no, anti mentality should be the norm.  I’m just exploring the possibility that it can be toxic to kids to engage heavily in this topic.  It is not toxic for kids to be antis, especially if they don’t engage in discourse, and it is NOT the kid’s fault for being dragged into it.  It’s 100% the fault of all the weird adults and older teens who normalize this kind of shit.  I’m simply recording how older antis (which, I could consider myself one despite being a minor) can create a toxic environment for minors as well.

Okay? Alright.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I express myself and my views on media lately.  I won’t get into details of how that came about, and honestly if you think you know the reason you don’t actually know the full story because I’ve discussed this with multiple people now.  Some context: I’m not a naturally angry person.  I have a tendency to sound very angry while ranting about things in media, because I have a strong sense of justice, a passion for fictional media that I hate seeing botched like that, and I have a shitty way of wording things.  I’ve realized lately though, that what could’ve started as me overreacting about my annoyance from something (I honestly don’t remember at this point, because of how deeply ingrained this behavior has been into me) has turned into legitimate rage.

I don’t like being angry.  I feel very, very bad when I’m angry.  It’s honestly worse than the lowest lows of my depression for me.  Anger isn’t a common emotion for me and it makes me uncomfortable, especially because I feel like I could easily hurt someone while I’m worked up.  And I don’t like feeling like that.  Anger pretty much makes all my mental illnesses/disorders get worked up into a tizzy and makes me feel Bad.

There’s honestly not a single thing I go into not scanning for something to nitpick.  Normally it’s just a shitpost, because I’ve tried to streamline what I watch to the few things that don’t make me mad (namely kids cartoons) so there’s nothing to really get that worked up about.  But when I try to watch any anime, which I enjoy when im sad btw because absorbing myself in complex fictional worlds and continuous storylines is very therapeutic to me, hoo boy...

Do you see the problem?  There aren’t enough Steven Universes in the world to satisfy my crave for content while also avoiding anything that ticks me off.  Hell, at this point at Steven Universe I dont even know whats going on so I’m kind of just there for the ride, but at least it doesn’t do anything as horrendous as most of the anime I’ve seen.  I may be able to pick up some silly situational cartoons like We Bare Bears that are fine, but a lot of those don’t interest me too much - and go back to the peak of action cartoons and there’s a lot of equally questionable stuff to most PG13-rated anime nowadays.

What I’m doing right now, the way I’m processing media right now, is not a good thing.  Is it Horikoshi’s fault for creating Mineta that I feel this way?  Yes, 100%; I have a right to feel indignant about a sexual assaulter being promoted in such a way.  But can I do anything about Horikoshi creating Mineta?  No, no I cannot, except hopefully advocate in the future for the banishment of pedophilic undertones in media.  But right now?  I’m a kid.  I can’t even vote yet.  I could protest, but where?  Who would care?  I don’t have a car anyways, also I’d get heat stroke.  I can yell about it online but I’m not yelling about it to anyone who needs to hear it, I’m just reminding good people that shitty people Exist.

There’s nothing I can do, so for my sake, I need to try to calm down about it.  I need to stop myself when I start to get angry, not go on a rant - or go on a rant just to get it out of my system, but hopefully work to the point where I dont have to rant every time it happens.  I can just roll my eyes and move the fuck along.

But I see people, namely older antis (usually around my age or a little older?  Maybe college-aged), act like this stuff is good, act like this stuff is okay.  They tell 13 yr olds and 14 yr olds that this is how they should process media, that they need to deconstruct media every time they watch it to be aware of who they’re supporting.

Stop that.  I agree that awareness is good, but you’re going to make these kids self-destruct any time they try to enjoy something.  There’s a difference between acknowledging flaws and still enjoying something anyways, and the overanalyzing shit that Tumblr encourages.  And you’re putting this shit on KIDS!  Literal kids!  You’re acting like it’s kids’ responsibility to identify problematic stuff in media!  IT’S NOT!

Saying that it is is like saying I, personally, am responsible for global warming because we own a van and a hybrid car instead of two electric cars.  That’s not true; even if I became a forest creature I wouldn’t make a dent in global warming.  The people controlling it are the people at the top of the food chain - the rich.  Honestly living in california has taught me that poor people get fucked over at the expense of the rich; sure we’re democratic, but tell that to the people who cant water their lawns bc the water bill is too high because of a “drought” that’s been artificially created by poor resources and rich people in malibu or w/e over-watering their lawns.

Kids can be antis because it helps them protect themselves.  But for god’s sake, don’t act like kids have to analyze every piece of media they come across.  Nobody has to do that, it’s not healthy for anyone, but it’s ESPECIALLY not healthy for kids.  Don’t guilt trip them for not giving up BNHA because of Mineta.

Be fucking careful with your words; your intentions may be good, but your results may not be.

Once again “anti-anti”s/anyone who supports that kinda shit don’t interact, this post isn’t for you.  This post isn’t about how anti community is inherently toxic; it’s about how you created a potentially toxic counter-movement because of your even more toxic behavior.  You’re far worse than the people I’m talking about in this post.  You created them.  Also fuck you.