#like wow siffrin is so self loathing

[shentheauthor]

I love starting something new and just KNOWING that the story is going to destroy me, even though I’m going in blind

So anyway I started in stars and time today—

[whoslaurapalmer]

okay!!! got my thoughts together about in stars and time!!! many spoilers.

spoiler-free review -- Wow, There Are Certainly Things That Happened In That There Time Loop !!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!! !!! ! ! ! !!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ! !! !!!! ! ! ! ! this game broke my heart like six times. you should play it. heed those triggers though cause i probably maybe did not do that as much as i should have

-i! will think about this game for the rest of my life probably

-me at the beginning of the game, a seasoned player in shouting 'it's the human connection!!!!' at media, bc it's my favorite thing in the world: it's the human connection, siffrin!!!!!!!! talk to your friends!!!!!!! me at the end of the game: IT IS THE HUMAN CONNECTION. I AM IN TEARS. MY HEART IS IN PIECES -gets me every fucking time.

-odile: you loved us so much you were going to break the whole entire world and honestly that's cute. sif: :( -it's so much. it's precious it's heartbreaking it's everything. odile's not wrong though!!!!! -me, regularly about cats doing Things: they just want love!!!! me, about sif, now: THEY JUST WANT LOOOOOOOOVE

-and it's not just the human connection!!!! it's being able to rely on yourself, too!!!! to show yourself the kind of kindness you need too, to be capable of being kind to yourself, not just accepting help from other people (as important as that is, as important as being able to ASK for it is, for siffrin) but accepting help from yourself -if that makes sense -helping yourself!!! you don't forget about your past self, or any self!!!! -'my self-loathing isn't that strong that i'd literally kill another me.' EXACTLY!!!!! IT NEVER IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that line took me out -i hated fighting loop so i was so happy. that one kinda worked out

-oh man loop being a sif from a different universe was not on my bingo card at all for this game (-i didn't have a bingo card. but i was wildly theorizing about OTHER things while i was playing.) -and that sif can start to be the person they needed? that loop needed? -MAN!!! AND THAT PUTS SO MANY OF LOOP'S STATEMENTS IN A DIFFERENT CONTEXT -when they're like. 'wow! what if you ARE manipulative and disgusting :)' - :( - :(((((((((((((((((((((( -loop i hope you can be happy.........wherever you are................................ -i want to have more thoughts about loop but right now i am still at 'aaaaaaa.......... :(' -'i asked for this job, stardust.' they asked to help themselves :') they asked to hurt themselves :') they asked to keep themselves trapped in the horrors :')

-one of the things i love about the game is that there's sooooooooo many little details that you pass as you go through the loops that you have to come back to bc they become important, like the carving tools, the weapon room, the books!!!!! -going through and seeing these details over and over and then going 'OH SHIT WAIT! I HAVE TO GO BACK THERE' -it's just built so well!!!! i liked that. -needing to try all of bonnie's snacks so you know what their favorite food is!!!!! -how sif's reaction to the same items changes!!!! -the list in the head housemaiden's office!!!!!!!!

-minor disappointments that there was no real resolution for the country that disappeared, just bc so much was made of it? -THAT'S what i was wildly theorizing about -but also, like, it still........doesn't ultimately matter? -like, i definitely would've liked to have known! -i feel so stupid saying this bc my favorite book series is literally a series of unfortunate events and i will defend the lack of answers in the end for my entire life!!! -but there's also. definitely enough to theorize about it all, too

-but yeah! ultimately in the face of other things in the story -- sif's deep-seated self-loathing and desire to remember and be remembered -- remembering, specifically, their home, as pivotal as it is, is not........necessarily the point -it's about identity, but there's lots of kinds of identity, lots of pieces of what makes up someone's identity, what contributes to a new identity when something about you has been taken away from you, what are the pieces of you in the first place? -and not just for sif, for odile, too

-and part of it is. sometimes, you have multiple homes. sometimes? your home isn't the Home you had, it's the people you come to love, and that doesn't make it less than the home you had before, but you can still feel the gaping absence of a "natural" or expected home, you can still feel the loss of what you did have and could've kepts to -/lulu vandelay sits up in a cold sweat bc she literally just wrote that exact same thing in her most recent headcanon ramble fic, and has to take a moment to stare at the wall about the joys and agony of the human connection again, and how precious found family stories are

-there's so much in this game that i feel like i could still unpack more boxes. gosh

-i put 55 hours into this game over like. a little over a week? almost two weeks??? -actually it was more like 45 -- there were some stretches of time i was not close to a save point and had to put my switch in sleep mode for a few hours until i could go back to it. so the game counted a little more than i actually played -I POWERED THROUGH. I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT EVERY TIME SO BADLY -and i love how. it's like, a little hard to get stuck. at least the way i played, i feel like it unfolded pretty consistently -i would, perhaps, have. played a little slower, though. just. -bc the game hits a point where it starts to get VERY HEAVY. it stays good but i was concerned about the time loops from the get go (i love time loops. i love the thoughts that come with time loops! and oh boy did this one.........bring the thoughts........) so by the time sif was starting to lose it about the time loops I WAS ALREADY THOROUGHLY LOSING IT ABOUT THE TIME LOOPS -also i'd put the game down and go 'no, lulu, you yourself are not in a time loop.' -it was very quickly breaking my heart!!!! sif was hurt and IT HURT!!!! sif's heart was breaking and SO WAS MINEEEEEEEE -sometimes it's like, cathartic in a way to experience those feelings through someone else -- sif being trapped, feeling trapped, feeling like he's always doing something wrong and it's always his fault, maybe if he didn't do this it would work out and it didn't, trying again and still getting punished for it, not wanting to be forgotten (so desperately that you trap yourself in a time loop bc you don't have a home!!!!) but it still hurt!!!!! it still hurt a lot!!!!!!!!!! -in a great way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but it's so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god.

-i do kind of want to replay it, though. maybe not right away bc it's a game that works beautifully the first time you play it bc you uncover things at basically the same pace sif does, and right now i think i would just go, 'sif you need to act out of disrespect now and read marc's notebook, sorry.' -but i. would like to experience this story again. when some time has passed!!!!

-okay. look. -i was considering the diary in the orrery as either sif's or the king's; that either one of them was 'the original' and the other was 'the wish craft one' (-how else would the king have gotten that diary?) (-or, well, idk, maybe he found it. makes you wonder.) -bc the parallels between sif and the king were REALLY GETTING TO ME. there were SO MANY. literally wrote down 'oh sif you're not beating the 'actually the king' allegations here' -and that the power of that wish craft was what caused the country to disappear (which the ka buan book speculates anyway) -and -- also not that sif needs a reason to have a terrible memory, like that's fine on its own absolutely -- being the 'copy' was the reason they kept forgetting things, or being the 'original' was the reason bc they were missing parts of themself -or maybe it was someone else's!!!!!!! -mysteries............

-oh i should have thoughts about the king literally being frozen and at that point. getting the memories of his country -you cannot...........always stay in the past...............bc you cannot move forward...........bc we are always moving forward...................

-i don't mind not having an answer about the like, "ghost" sifs though -- that works fine as it is to me -pieces of past loops? pieces of future loops? a piece of the sif that went through the house alone -omg. i got the scene where the rest of the squad talks to the ghost sif bc i fastforwarded to floor 3 all unlocked on one loop but went back to the change god bc i didn't know if i got the keyknife or not -i then realized i could've just checked the inventory. -IT WORKED OUT THOUGH BC I GOT THAT SCENE //AND// FOUND OUT IT WAS MIRA'S STATUE, SO!

-i think there were a few loop conversations i missed? just a couple? -but i got the croissant one, which i was very thrilled to find out the story for -i did not get the dagger though (although i stg i used so many tears.) -and you know what????? i think that is for the best :) maybe next time :))))

-oh the croissant reveal did not disappoint!!!!! just like......... -being confronted with something you hadn't really thought about. and realizing suddenly how much it means -and ascribing so much terror to an innocuous piece of the situation bc it has to go somewhere. that you never want croissants again, you never want the reminder -but still keeping the coin to remind you, you never want to not remember the important thing, the current one, your family, this family, bc they mean so much to you and you've never been happier, you CAN'T REMEMBER being happier so this is what's important -so you'd hurt yourself to remember them!!!!!!! if that was what it took!!!!!!!!!!!! -I'M SCREAMING

-i was thinking, it wasn't necessarily the deeper wish at the favor tree, for sif (-although the second they made the wish at the tree i was like '............is it gonna turn out that the wish he made is what's trapping him. no. ...no. .......yes? yyyyyyyyyyeah.') -but. running from the boulanger while holding the coin, and desperately praying not to forget, not to be forgotten -bc A Coin is a ritual, too, and siffrin knows them subconsciously -but his wish and vaugarde's wish getting tangled together, is interesting too

-also. so i had like 55 loops total bc i also tried to go straight through the house as often as possible to get as much information out of each loop as possible (and i loved sif's 'touch exposure therapy' in the gardening room and always wanted to go back there specifically) (i was also DESPERATELY trying to see if odile would at any point ACTUALLY specifically comment so i was always letting sif be as weird as possible and look at stuff he should not have known) (and i loved the bathroom scenes, too. those were worth going through the whole house.) -oh anyway anyway sometimes i would loop forward though bc sometimes you do, in fact, have to -me: i am trying to loop the least amount of times. i feel so bad for sif and it's only the beginning of the game. sif's not even feeling bad yet about the loops!!!! the game itself: you WILL loop more and you WILL feel worse :) -AND THE GAME WAS ADDING LOOPS -like, i think if you fast forward over all the floors, it adds more loops, bc after i was like '......wait, for real? that many loops?' i checked as it saved one time after i skipped floors or something

-the gang: /talking about wish craft me: THE FAVOR TREE. THE FAVOR TREE IS RIGHT THERE. YOU HAVE ALL BEEN TO THE FAVOR TREE, GUYS!!!!!!! a loop or two later: /the tree book me: HALLELUJAH

-oh speaking of waiting for sif to notice something (but honestly not that long, which was nice) -i think this was........after you beat the king for the first time? me: sif. sif the change god's statue face as changed. sif. SIF THE FACE HAS CHANGED. LOOK AT THE FACE, SIF!!!!!!! SIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -he does in fact not notice. that's okay, sif.

-i love that all of them want to stay together for a little longer, too!!!! like!!!!!!!! no but that's so good -bc, how do you end this kind of journey??? how do you really just go your separate ways right after????? how do you..........stop after you just saved the world -none of them want to let go yet and that's okay and they can say it!!!!!!! -THEY'RE FAMILYYYYYYYYYYYYYY -but sometime they'll have to. and sif will have to be okay with it. but there's still time to grow. there always is!!!! there's time to. change. whatever that change is.

-the change god being real was A SURPRISE!!!!!! holy shit. that was scary. -WITH THE MOST CHILL SPEECH STYLE. THAT WAS HILARIOUS (-me, reading the change god's text: ........i miss you roxy lalonde.......)

-me: i want to do the 'sif helps everyone' tasks again bc they were such sweet and precious and comforting moments and doing them all in one run was the best thing ever (and then sif refers to everyone as their family afterwards which was shattering!!!!!), but doing them again after the first time would just cheapen them, for sif to have to relive such pivotal moments knowing this loop probably isn't the loop it'll stick........like, i could not redo them now, and i could not fast forward through them. i cannot do it. it would feel like a terrible corruption!!!! sif in act 5, going through his millionth nervous breakdown: hold. my. fucking. beer. me: 😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫 -AND THAT THAT'S THE LAST FUCKING LOOP -bc it can't be perfect, sif!!! you have to let people help you!!!!! you have to cry!!!!!!!!1 it won't be perfect it will be messy and terrible and people will get hurt but that's not the end of the world!!!!!! -i mean they really went for the gut in those convos, though. oh sif.

-i love that sif finally gets a chance to just sit and cry and gets a whole big squad hug at the same time. -and they're going to keep trying!! keeping growing!!!! keep going!!!!!! learning!!!! and so will all of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-mal du pays: /appears me, with literally ten years of french practice: .............................................................................. still me: /googles me: OH FUCK HOMESICKNESS -i was mistranslating mal for a hot second there, okay. somehow. -fun fact, my favorite french word is malheureusement. (my least.....favorite.......is......fucking chaussures) (uggg, i can just never pronounce it right. chausette is fucking fine! but shoes.............)

-i would die for bonbon. the best chaos child. -i am picking them up and putting them in my pocket. i want them to make me snacks. -i want those madelines!!!!!! i love madelines............. -and the palmiers!!! good ol elephant ears -i love that, canonically, they do the naruto run. they are such a precious little kid my god

-isabeau: /talking about the cracked egg keychain me: utena??????????

-sif: will i ever like bananas again. me: what i want to know is if they will ever like PLAYS again. -i love how the banana is there so you can just. skip right to the house from dormont if you so choose (a few times towards the end of the game i did)

-i assumed sif stopped carving bc the depth perception was harder after losing their eye? -i hope you carve again too, sif...............

-also them starting to lose things that happened BEFORE the loops started bc they'd been going on for so long and there was so much more to keep in mind, forgetting odile's name one time and forgetting the vodka story and even forgetting THE YEAST JOKE........... -crying. screaming

-i spent most of the game with memory of bomb attached and then ONLY USED THE BOMB ONCE, I KEPT FORGETTING!!!!! -that was great. goddamn -i found all the bomb components pretty early but actually for the life of me i CANNOT remember where the long thingy-thing was so i never picked it up again. where. where was that........

-the game's universe being so casually lgbtq+ was so fun!!!! i love the bonding earrings and how. you'd make as many earrings as people in the relationship!!!!!!!!!! -giving your children multiple names in case they want a different one they already have more options!!!!!!!!

-i took. so many screenshots while playing (like. over 500) bc i just like to screenshot important or powerful lines or favorite jokes but tumblr is being dumb and does not want to put them in so i will just have to list them. -odile going 'as the kids say, yoink~' -BELLE LEARNING HOW TO CUT VEGGIES????? -i will literally never forget, ever, 'meow meow, cat's paw, can't cut my fingies nya!' -sif: /smacks into counter the squad: did you just say nya -sif you're not beating the catperson allegations either -'HOW BLINDINGLY WONDERFUL, FOR A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER TO BE THE ONLY HOPE YOU HAVE LEFT RIGHT NOW!' -it really do be like that. trying to appreciate something small in the throes of 'sometimes irl depression feels like a legitimate time loop of i have to do THIS AGAIN EVERY DAY!' turns into 'this is the most absurd thing in the entire world what the fuck :')' (-the game-universe-specific swears..........LOVE that. love small worldbuliding) -mirabelle's dangly thingies on her dress and her going 'pretty :) goes ding-ding when i walk :)' -speaking of ding ding! -THE FUNNY NOISES APPRECIATION CREW!!!!! i feel like that is such a perfect description of mira and isa and everything about them. i love them so much. i love their friendship. -bonnie going 'i am a child. i have a lot on my mind. i cannot help.' -THE VODKA WAS WATER. IT WAS WATER -pie smell......... (pie smell! pie smell! pie smell!) (the little moments of 'we're going to repeat something charming!' are SO GOOD!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!) -odile going 'but i would do anything to protect all of you. horrible things, to be honest.' -god. yeah. goddddddddddddddddddddd -bonnie going 'do you see me!!! do you see me!!!!!' before they touch sif bc they think that will help is so precious oh my god

[fuckthatstarbackwards]

Thinking abt Sif and Loop cuddling post canon (cause I’m a sucker for the popular hc that they will cling like crazy), and they both separately start getting horny. And they absolutely spiral about it in their head, but with very distinct flavors:

Sif is Original Flavor Spiraling, along the lines of “oh stars I’m disgusting this is so gross and manipulative, I can’t believe I’m taking advantage of Loop like this for my own pleasure like a SICKO, they can never know I’m feeling like this or they would hate me and leave me and I’d deserve it, I need to freeze and not move and oh stars stay still”

Meanwhile Loop’s self loathing has had time to age like a fine wine and morph into something a lot more complicated and fucked up, and they’re also a lot more aware of the fact that Siffrin is a version of themself, and have a much more complicated relationship with their body. So they’re in their head like “wow I forgot what it was like to feel this way. Haha it’s so fucked up that I’m feeling this way about stardust of all people ~ but really who else could I possibly feel this way about hahaha I’m so fucked up~ what if I just pinned them down and took what I want from them, would they be disgusted, would they let me because they pity me? How far could I push them? Oh wow this is so so so fucked up hahahahaha wow be normal be normal don’t let them find out”

Both are shaking with the effort to not let it on that anything is out of the ordinary, to the point of completely missing each others weirdness cues