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yayeetsonny · 4 years ago

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Always Tell The Truth Part 2 ~ USWNT x Reader

Okay so if you haven’t read the first part of this, which I will put here. Always tell the truth part 1 I suggest you do that, otherwise this one will make no sense. Also sorry... again for being gone so long. I hope you guys didn’t miss me too much. :)

-N

Previously...

“Those bruises, Y/N, where’d you get them?”

“I. Don’t. Know.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Fine then, don’t believe me. First Alex, then Christen and now you. This is just great, my teammates think I’m a liar. Well I’m not and I’m telling you the truth.”

I brushed by her and stormed out of the room, now determined to avoid my teammates so they’d stop asking questions and questioning my honesty.

“I’m not a liar. I don’t know where I got the bruises, I don’t know why they won’t believe me.”

Present

After I stormed out of the room I share with Ali I ran... yes literally ran out of the hotel and out into the street. Well okay it was more like the sidewalk but whatever, I’m going for dramatic story telling here. I was angry, hurt and confused as to why my teammates couldn’t just believe me. I’ve never lied to them before, not ever. If something was going on I would have told them. And I genuinely have no clue where these bruises came from, I don’t remember hurting myself badly in practices or games and I don’t do any other crazy activities that would warrant the sudden appearance of severe looking injuries. I knew I just needed to clear my head so I started walking in a random direction hoping to get my thoughts together.

After a while I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and knew it was probably one of my teammates looking for me so I ignored it. My phone stopped ringing only for a short time before it stared up again. This went on for several long minutes before it finally stopped. After each attempt from whoever was trying reach me there was a separate single vibrate indicating they left a message. I felt a little guilty for disappearing and probably worrying everyone but they shouldn’t have assumed or accused me of lying. Thinking they finally got the message that I didn’t want to speak to them I continued walking god knows where trying to think of what to say when I finally decided to go back. I was really deep in thought, trying to remember if and when I got the bruises. Obviously they don’t just appear like magic. They have to be caused by something, but... what? All the sudden I was hit with a vague memory

“Huh?... Wha- where am I?”

“You fell asleep on the couch dear. Don’t you remember? It was really adorable actually. My mom said super sweetly.

That’s weird, she’s never overly sweet with me, like ever.

“No, I don’t remember doing that.”

I looked around and the tv was on, which is also rare. It was playing a random comedy movie. Comedy? My parents don’t even like comedy movies.

“Oh well you did. Right after dinner, you dragged your feet over to the couch and was out like a light before we knew it.” She said casually.

My dad waltzed in like everything was totally normal. What the fuck is going on. Why don’t I even remember eating dinner? How long have I been here? Why does my body hurt so much?

I came back to the present feeling slightly uneasy. I remembered now a little bit of what happened when I got to my parents house and a little bit of what happened after I woke up from my nap. They managed to convince me everything was fine after that and I left assuming they were telling me the truth because I was too tired and too annoyed to argue. But the more I thought about it the more I wondered just how much of what they said is true. Why were there huge gaps in my time with them? And why do I get the feeling that the weird gut feeling I have isn’t a coincidence? I got lost in thought again but it was peaceful this time and quiet which I was relishing in.

Unfortunately the peace and quiet only lasted for a few minutes when I started to get what I assumed were dozens of texts. I finally got fed up and decided to silence my phone completely. When I unlocked it I saw a glimpse of some of the worried texts from the team. They all pretty much said the same thing;

“Y/N please come back. I’m sorry for saying I didn’t believe you. I’m just concerned about you. I want to talk and I’ll listen to whatever you have to say. Just please come back.”- Ali

“Hey kid, heard what happened. Wanna talk?”- T

“Y/n where are you? I heard what happened and that you left?? please come back, we’re worried.”- Christen

“Bruh what the hell? let’s talk?”- Ash

“where r u?”- Mal

“It’s not safe for you to be out by yourself. Ali told us about the other bruises. Whatever this is we’ll help you. We’re gonna start searching for you if you don’t get your ass back here soon. We love you.”- Alex

And it went on like that as every single member of the team texted me some variation of that and the voicemails they all left were much the same. I started to feel more guilty but let my anger keep me from replying to them. They can stew a little longer.

Meanwhile back at the Hotel...

CHRISTEN PRO//

“Okay, so tell us exactly what happened.”

“I saw the bruises when she was changing, which I happened to walk in on. I don’t think she was expecting me. I asked her what happened and she said that nothing had happened and I asked her about the bruises I saw on her arm, shoulder and spine and she continued to tell me she has no idea where they came from. I told her I didn’t believe her and then she got upset and she just... left.”

“Just like that? She didn’t say where she was going?”

“No, she was so angry she just stormed out and when I tried to follow after her she was already gone.”

“And she’s still not answering her phone. Damnit kid come on, where are you?”

“She’s not safe out there on her own, we have to go look for her.”

“And how are we supposed to find her when she doesn’t have her location on and is doing everything she can’t to ignore us?”

“I have no idea but we have to try.”

“We will, but we should give her a little more time. It’s possible she’s just around the corner cooling off. She’ll come back when she’s ready.”

“You’re right.”

“Guys I hate to steer us back into more serious topics but shouldn’t we be talking about the bruises she has that started all of this?”

“What do you guys think they’re from?” Megan asked.

“I want to believe her when she says she doesn’t know but I mean how can you just not know about bruises as severe as those?” Ash said.

“I mean... I’ve had some pretty bad ones I don’t remember getting from anywhere.” Mal said off-handily.

I saw some of the rest of the team nod silently, indicating that they too had, had the same thing happen to them. And I had to admit that I had my fair share of bumps and bruises that I couldn’t explain because they just seemed to appear but I was still concerned for our youngest teammate as it was getting pretty late and it was already dark outside.

“Oh god, you don’t think it’s her parents do you?” Tobin asked no one in particular.

We all paused for a moment to process what she was implying and I know we were silently hoping, praying that they wouldn’t do that to her. That they wouldn’t beat their own child.

“No, there’s no way. She’s told us that they love and support her and that even though they aren’t around much they still care about her.”

“Right, you’re right.”

“It has to be them though, I mean there’s no other explanation. She didn’t have them before or after practice right?” Alex asked.

“No, she didn’t.” Lindsey said solemnly.

“Do you really think parents can just flip a switch? Just like that? Be caring and supportive one minute and violent then next?”

“It’s possible.”

“No, just don’t even go there. I refuse to believe they would do that.”

“We would have seen the bruises if she had them before, since we all change in the same locker room together for practices and games remember?” I said

“Fuck. When I get my hands on them I swear to god...”

She didn’t get to finish her sentence because Y/n walked into the dining hall where we were all gathered.

“Get your hands on who?” She asked quietly

“Kid...”

“Y/n holy shit, thank god.”

“And she lives!... not the time? Got it.”

“Y/N... we need to talk.”

“Why? There’s nothing to talk about. I don’t know what Ali told you, but I don’t know where these fucking bruises came from okay? I don’t know. I’m sorry, I know that probably isn’t what you wanted to hear but it’s the truth. If you don’t believe me that’s fine but i’m not talking about it anymore.”

“Sweetie please just hear us out okay? We’re worried about you and getting defensive about them isn’t helping your case.” I said, trying to reach out for her but she backed away from me.

“Defensive? I’m just upset because you all still don’t seem to get it.”

“We want to get it, please just talk to us.”

“No.”

“Y/N, please just...”

“No! Okay, just no. I said we weren’t talking about it again and that’s final. What happened to “I’ll listen to whatever you have to say.” Huh, Ali? Good to know that was complete bullshit.”

“I’m sorry baby, please believe me, we just...”

“Oh believe you? For what? You clearly still don’t believe me so why should I give you that courtesy? You know what, this is all just fucking stupid anyways. I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”

And with that she disappeared up to the room she’s sharing with Ali. Leaving us all more confused and concerned than ever.

“Well... that went well.”

“Shut up Emily, so not the time.”

//End

Okay so yes that is yet another cliffhanger of sorts, I’m sorry but I thought that was a good place to end it. Just know that Y/N genuinely doesn’t remember a lot of what’s going on, just like she says. Her parents are definitely sus asf.

I’m actually writing part 3 rn so that should be up within the next day or so. I know I keep disappearing but my life is totally a mess rn lol. I’m back now tho and am excited to finally get to all the requests I have. Im so sorry for those waiting I haven’t forgotten. Promise.

-N

Not edited.

#uswnt imagines #uswnt #christen press #alex morgan #imagines #uswnt x reader #megan rapinoe #ashlyn harris #ali krieger #tobin heath #lindsey horan #emily sonnett #mal pugh #The rest of the team will appear #baby reader #USWNT

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wistfulwatcher · 4 years ago

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Hello I saw your tag on that "im 25 and dying post" please tell us how it got better for you. Im 26, still living with parents, currently having a fight with my boyfriend, and i still have a year until I get my bachelors. The comparison to everyone younger than me is killing me.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling, but I hope you can take some solace in the fact that that post has a lot of notes and you are absolutely not alone in feeling the way you do! I can certainly try and share my experience, but unfortunately I think the biggest factor is just time (and like, a buttload of self-reflection).

I moved back home after college and worked full time at an administrative job I was doing during school breaks. I majored in psychology and anthropology in college, and was planning to eventually go into forensic psychology, but wasn't interested in going straight into grad school. So I did that administrative job for about a year, and tried to find something that was a bit more stable and at least semi-related to my field. I did end up finding a new job when I was 23 - stable, semi-related to my field (a psych/research background was required), and decent pay (especially as I was still living at home). Exactly what I needed, since I still wasn't ready to start looking into grad school.

I was doing pretty well, until I started getting comfortable at that job, and then I started getting hit with the "I'm not doing enough," and "I need to look into grad school," and "will I ever find a boyfriend?" (friendly reminder that 23-year-old me thought she was straight, yikes), "how will I afford to move out, I have to save my money and do it soon!", "I'm not doing anything but watching TV, I'm wasting my life," "I'm lonely, but I'm too tired to try and make friends," etc., etc.

But it wasn't constant. I'd have a flurry of those questions and fears, and then days where I was just living life and doing my job and taking care of my dogs, without any of that. And I don't think I felt good or particularly comfortable those days, it was more like I just wasn't actively thinking about it, like when you feel "good" after a physical pain goes away and you're just normal.

Eventually, I started thinking about all of these concerns I had, and the fact that it felt like it was URGENT whenever I thought about them. It felt like I needed to get my shit together immediately. I also started to acknowledge that there was this big sense of guilt around those concerns; I was too old to be living at home, I was too old to be single, I was too old not to be starting a career. I felt like I was wasting my life (cue the guilt), and I realized that part of why I felt like I was wasting it was that I felt like I was missing milestones I wouldn't be able to do at a later time because the older I was past "normal" the more humiliating it would be to try (cue the shame and embarrassment, hard).

I also started to doubt that I wanted to go into forensic psychology. More importantly, I started to seriously doubt that I wanted a "career" at all. My job (as I kept that same semi-related to my field one) was absolutely a job, not a career. And I think this was a huge tipping point for me, because a career had always been a given in my life. I'm passionate about what I'm interested in, so it literally just never occurred to me that I would be content with a job. I also started acknowledging that I had some messed up associations about being content with a job meaning that I was lazy (because the only way to be ambitious is with a career and, more damaging, a lack of ambition is fundamentally bad).

Now, I need to clarify that all of the above occurred over the course of years. I was constantly seeing "friends" (i.e., of the facebook variety) go to grad school, start careers, get married, buy homes, etc. And with all of that alongside the entire mess I've outlined in the above paragraphs, it was really, really, tough. It gets hard to find a foothold in better thinking, I believe, when seeing all of these people (some younger) doing things "right" was really just compounding my guilt and shame. (I feel like it's worth mentioning, too, that I was always "an individual" growing up, march-to-the-beat-of-my-own-drummer, yada yada. I feel like that's worth pointing out for others who may be in the same boat, because I think it can lead to another layer of shame in comparing yourself to those around you - especially if it's a big part of your identity that you DON'T do that, because I think it's inevitable as you get older, and you're looking to reach these milestones that prove you're an adult.)

So, here I am, acknowledging that I feel guilt and shame about what I'm not doing. And suddenly I ask myself my first really important question: Do I want a career? The question hot on its heels is: Do I want to go to grad school? Honestly, my answer is no. There is nothing in me that's excited by the prospect. But what, does that mean I'm just going to work my job for the rest of my life? How is giving up going to make me feel better about Not Doing Enough?

As I'm opening this door (remember, years), three things happen: 1) I realize I'm gay, 2) I watch Dirty 30, 3) I start playing D&D.

First, realizing I'm gay. Woohoo! Not only was this exciting because girls are amazing, but it made me seriously look at myself. Realizing I had spent 25 years assuming one thing about myself that turned out to be completely wrong made me question everything for a while. I started to ask myself, "Do I really like this?" more often, which seems like a really obvious question, but I'm not convinced that it's one people ask themselves consciously all that often. But once I did, I realized how freeing it was to answer, "No," and move on to something I did like.

Second, I watched Dirty 30, the Grace Helbig/Mamrie Hart/Hannah Hart movie. It feels dramatic to say that it changed my life, but the older I get the more I honestly think it did. Mamrie Hart's character is a dental hygienist who is freaking out about turning 30 and feeling very much like that text post I reblogged. But (spoilers), at the end of the movie, she decides that she loves her job (job, not career!) because it's comfortable and she has fun at work, and that it makes her happy. She has other things going on, but the idea that a character in a film is content with her job and choosing to "settle" into her life as-is and she's genuinely happy about it? I honestly can't think of a single other time I've seen that happen on-screen. I still think about that ending very often. And after seeing it, I started to ask myself another question regularly: "Am I happy?" Again, this feels pretty obvious, but I think there is something incredibly empowering about making sure you are happy on a regular basis, instead of just assuming that you're fine until something hurts.

Third, I started playing D&D. This is not a plug for D&D! (Well, maybe a little.) One thing that happened to me when I started to get into the urgent-guilt-shame-confusion mess of my mid-20s was that I got very much into a routine of go to work, come home, sleep, go to work, come home, sleep, be totally brain-dead on the weekend, repeat. I found it very difficult to feel creative because I was just wiped, and as all of my creative outlets (gifs, fanfic) are self-motivated, it was really easy to brush them off. I ended up starting Critical Role (this is also not a plug for CR! well, maybe), and I wanted to give D&D a try myself. (I was VERY lucky - my best friend happened to be listening to the Adventure Zone at the same time I started CR, and she wanted to try to run a game. The stars truly aligned!)

I started playing, then DMing, and found that it was a great fit for my interests. I used to be a theatre kid, and I was getting to act again (something I didn't realize I was missing). I was getting to build and flesh out characters, which is what I love the most about writing fanfic. I was also discovering that I was stretching myself - world building and plot had never been my strong suit, but as a DM it became the majority of my creative effort. It gave me soft deadlines with people I didn't want to let down, and it made me truly social again for the first time since college. Essentially, it was filling in all of the gaps of what I felt lacking in my life. This isn't a D&D plug because it wasn't D&D specifically, but rather a hobby that satisfied what was missing in my life. For example, I didn't realize how isolated I was before D&D until I had regular interactions with friends, and that isolation absolutely made the urgent-guilt-shame-confusion worse.

D&D gave me that final push to realize that I was OK with having a job and being passionate about hobbies instead of trying to fit myself into a career, because I was getting out of that hobby what I had been convinced I would get out of a career. I started to really value that I could punch out and go have fun doing exactly what I wanted to do. (It feels so obvious as I type this, but it took me a long time to get here! Sometimes it really is that simple!)

The above is specific to my job vs. career struggle which may not be in the mix of things you're struggling with. But what I do think is universal/can be your take away, is that sometimes you just have to actively choose to let go of the pressure to be doing things. Which, I know, sounds so much easier than it is (and part of why I think it just takes time/is part of growing older). But I think it's something that can be worked at over time, by checking in with yourself about what you feel, why you feel it, and what you need to make yourself feel better in the present.

It's been 6 years since I started that semi-related job, and I'm still there. I still live with my mom. I'm still single. My circumstances have not changed since 24, but honestly? I'm OK. When I check in with myself about it, I do enjoy living with my mom and our dogs (even though I'm 30 and "real" adults move out). I am happy more often than I'm not (much more, actually!). I have a job that allows me to be done after 8 hours, and I have hobbies I look forward to doing each night (and the energy to do them, most of the time). My weekends are free to play D&D with my friends and laugh until I cry. That is what I've worked out as my definition of what I want life to be right now. You'll notice it includes none of the "milestones" that those younger than me have hit.

As I noted on that text post tag, I still struggle with this. I definitely have days where I think, I'm a mess, I'm not DOING anything. It's hard. But time does help, those days become fewer and farther between.

I know that was probably a hundred times longer than you wanted it to be, but I did want to illustrate just how much of a process it is. It takes time. My summary advice is to check in with yourself often, be honest about what you want and what you need, do not let anyone else define where you "should" be. And if you aren't living life how you want to be, identify what you can do (however small) to make yourself feel like you're getting closer.

#ask #me #personal #i am so sorry this is a novel #i hope that it helps you even a little!#can you believe i can write about myself for 2 hours? embarrassing lmao #long post

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curiosity-killed · 4 years ago

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Hi....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.

Aw of course I don’t mind! Though I feel like my answer is going to be a disaster bc I love these casts so so much aha let’s see:

✨ SPOILERS AHEAD ✨

MDZS/CQL

1. Wei Wuxian

Ah so I feel like this is obvious based on the sheer quantity of things I produce and the effort I put into hurting him 😅 but yeah! I love how much of a classical tragic hero he is and I love how much love he has and how that gets twisted around and shaped into a collar of spikes around his own neck. I saw gif sets of wwx before I ever knew about CQL and my reaction was “fuck. I’m going to love him” and I do! And I love that he does learn from his past and I love most of all that he learns to accept the love he is given and is able to make a happy ending in a place of being loved and held in respect and appreciation

2. Wen Qing

On the other hand, I did not expect to be like “mine now” with Wen Qing. Don’t get me wrong, the sexy immortal look got me but it wasn’t really till I started writing fic that I was like ohhhhh Oh Boy. Wen Qing is brilliant and ruthless, fiercely loving and aloof and cold. I love that she gets the lose-lose challenge of balancing what is right for her family vs what is right in the world, what she owes to her sect and what she owes to individuals. The golden core transfer is my favorite dubious science experiment in p much all media I’ve consumed. She gets to be so human—prickly and tough and also achingly gentle and afraid and putting on a tough face and sometimes still crying. “I’m sorry and thank you” ! Im!!

3. Jiang Yanli

The first fic I wrote for this fandom was literally “Jiang Yanli died no she didn’t” lmao I do feel like I underserve Jiang Yanli in that I often fall prey to using her to further the complexity that the male characters are permitted while denying her the chance to be given the same space for development and breath — something to work on! But in that, I really genuinely love how tightly she binds herself to her family and how she tries so hard to be what others need her to be—and then she does make a choice for herself and for a single moment at least, she gets to be loved and to be happy and to have this, a husband and a son and a place, for herself. And terribly I love how much she permeates the story still after death. She is the unspoken voice, the face turned from the camera but always still present, carried in the hearts and names and memories of the ones left behind

She deserved better but—I am weak for the tragedy of it all

4. Jiang Cheng

Another surprise (tho hardly surprising in hindsight): Jiang Cheng is just...horribly understandable. He makes terrible choices and his greatest heroism is undone by a choice made for him or, in the case of “killing the Yiling Laozu” is a lie. He is such a youngest sibling who doesn’t want to be the youngest until all at once, he’s the one in charge and he doesn’t want it at all. He is full of anger and hurt and so much love he doesn’t know what to do with it, doesn’t want it anymore, has no place to put all of its terrible, overwhelming flood.

5. Lan Wangji

I almost didn’t put Lan Wangji or Jiang Cheng on here and then I realized that this is sort of a list of characters I’m pickiest about in fic and...yeah. I think what I love best about Lan Wangji is his journey of grief and healing and through that, his decision to step into world. Where Wei Wuxian’s decision to travel and be removed from the cultivation world (in varying degrees depending on your headcanon preference lol) is really, really important to me, Lan Wangji’s decision to go from being an isolated lone agent working apart from the systems of the world to being involved and invested in changing those systems and working to make them better is also really important to me. I’ve talked before about how relatable Lan Wangji is to me (esp with regards to our interaction with the outer world) and there is something deeply hopeful and comforting about post-timeskip Lan Wangji being in his like mid-/late-30s and still making decisions and growing and changing and choosing to invest himself in the world and the future

yeah. i have thoughts here that I don’t really have the maturity, life experience, or articulation to put into words but Lan Zhan Good basically

TGCF

1. Xie Lian

suuuurpriiiiise!! Yeah honestly mxtx’s mains in TGCF and MDZS really just hit all my buttons basically. What appeals to me most of all about Xie Lian is, fittingly, how he is humanity taken to extremes. His capacity for incredible kindness and compassion is equaled with his capacity for cruelness and ruthlessness. His heaven-shaking highs are matched with calamitous lows. He is the hyperbolic of what it is to be human—and he is also the small moments, the wildflowers and the maple leaves and the mundane chores and the comfort of whispered conversations late into the night. I could quite literally go on for pages about what I love about Xie Lian but I am not Hua Cheng and can restrain myself LMAO

2. Hua Cheng

of all the characters on these lists, Hua Cheng is the one I’m pickiest about tbh! When I say I love him for similar reasons as Xie Lian I don’t actually mean this as being similarities between the two but the fact that both of them so richly convey mxtx’s points about the nature of humanity and what it is to be human. Hua Cheng is both the boldest and most arrogant of all and also the most vulnerable, the one who shies away from the truth because he’s braced for it to hurt and isn’t sure he can take it. He is gory blood rain and an umbrella to shelter a fragile bloom; he is a blade whose wounds only heal if he permits it and he is a sacrifice that he brushes aside as a fit of madness. *pats his head* this boy can fit SO MUCH inside him that he refuses to acknowledge

3. Jun Wu

Definitely my favorite antagonist in recent reading. I was doubtful of him from the start (something something issues with authority something something probably should talk to my theoretical future therapist shhh) but the unfolding of his reveal was so delightfully painful and exquisite that I was like “YES!!!” reading all of it. About the epitome of a satisfying plot twist imo. But about the character himself, I love how he parallels so many — Xie Lian in his rise and fall, his glory and disgrace; Hua Cheng in his fixation and ruthlessness; He Xuan in losing himself to the plot and not knowing how to move forward. I love that he feels beyond human in a way the others don’t—he’s so old and has gone through so much and he doesn’t feel things the way humans do anymore, doesn’t remember right how love squeezes the heart or how hate can exist without acting on it. I love that he thinks he knows how to control everyone and that it’s such mundane things that fool him: Xie Lian’s absurd stubbornness, Hua Cheng’s foolish faith, Yin Yu’s...emotional maturity??? Not Sure how to verbalize that one. But in the end, he is defeated by both the humanity of others and by his own—he’s so tired. He’s exhausted in a way that gods and ghosts aren’t meant to be. He is, under the armor and the masks, the curses and the power, human—benevolent and cruel, evil and good.

4. He Xuan

I love my fish man! No but really I love how He Xuan is so fixed on his one goal that he refuses to acknowledge anything else in his (after)life—which doesn’t make it go away. I love that he is left unmoored, purposeless through the very act of completing that which gives him purpose. I love his long con and the ways he clings to himself but loses himself not in the act but in the telling himself it’s an act. I love that he tries to be a moral man and then becomes a ghost king, a calamity. His reveal is also terribly badass and I do love his bone fish wholly unironically. Like I’m not going to get a He Xuan tattoo (for one thing I’ve been meaning to get a tattoo for 5 years and still haven’t gotten around to it) but also. B o n e f i s h

5. Mu Qing

Of course! The Jiang Cheng of tgcf lol Mu Qing (which my phone desperately wants to autocorrect to my Qing) is so...gah he’s such a mess! And he so fully commits to the belief that no one will ever see and understand him as he is but will always view them through their own convictions about him and his actions — which is simultaneously heartbreakingly lonely and also. Sir You Are a Clown. I genuinely think he’s owed apologies from both Feng Xin and Xie Lian for their treatment and assumptions of him and think that he would be HORRIBLY offended at the thought (while secretly touched? But like secretly even to himself). He will never explain himself and will just clam up tighter the more people accuse him and it’s such a self-sabotaging behavior and also so horribly relatable. I love u sir, you’re a disaster

SVSS I have not read but I do really like the moshang art 😂

#long post #asked & answered #lol sorry this is so long and incoherent #the truth is that I really love these stories and their casts #and I think it’s v hard to extricate the characters from the cast #because they are so deftly and beautifully interwoven #but here are the characters I think are my favorites lol #loosely in order #tgcf spoilers #also this is why I prefer tgcf to mdzs tbh?#jgy is intellectually interesting to me and a good antagonist #but not personally compelling in the way jw is

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horansqueen · 5 years ago

Text

You & Me : chapter 34

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.1k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: okay sooo idk how i feel about the chapter BUT! i added a link with pictures of the characters and it took me over 2 hours to do that so if you could comment or at least look at it, it would mean a lot to me! (scroll down for the link, you cant miss it)

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : two but its pretty much the same thing :) i mean he doesnt get ‘angry’ tho but i hope its still what you wanted :)

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 34 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

March 30th, 2018

I had no idea who Niall had invited but before we walked in the bar, I moved closer to him and got up on my tiptoe to look in his eyes, both of us now hidden by his cap. His lips curled as his eyes roamed on my face and I pressed my lips together. I was a bit stressed to meet some people from school after so long but if I wanted to be honest, being away from the crowds and the paps seemed like amazing time off to me and I was pretty sure Niall felt the same.

"No kissing, no hold hands, no cuddles." I pointed out with a grimace. "It's gonna be a long evening."

"Okay, first off, you can cuddle me, they're used to it. Second of, can I remind you that it's your rule? If you want, we can definitely tell them we're together but keeping low profile." he pointed out, raising his eyebrows as he waited for my answer.

I wanted to. I really fucking wanted to, and I could feel my heartbeats accelerate the longer we looked at each other. I licked my lips and smiled before shaking my head. I couldn't make a decision and it was driving me insane.

"We'll just... see how it goes." I finally let out before sighing and getting back down on my feet.

"I'll follow your lead, petal."

His words made my lips curl and I nodded slowly before he turned around and walked in. It felt amazing to know I had my say in all of this. A lot of times, when we were dating and even before, I felt like Niall lead me the way he thought was right and I just followed without a word. Perhaps, he had matured, or maybe he was always like that but he just took the lead because I didn't. Either way, it was refreshing and it made me feel important.

I followed him inside and a familiar face seemed to illuminate in the back of the bar. The smell reminded me of my teenage years and somehow, I suddenly relaxed despite the people I had just noticed.

"Zara?" I let out with a frown before Niall bent closer to me.

"I called her, thought you may want to see her." he whispered before walking closer to the table.

"Olivia!"

Zara jumped out of her chair and ran to me, wrapping her arms around my neck so tight I could barely breathe anymore. She started jumping quickly up and down, bringing me in her wave and I laughed as I hugged her back. Despite everything that had happened to me in my childhood and teenage years, Zara was the only one I trusted completely besides Niall. I had a few friends and we all hung out together but Zara was the one I was the closest to, the one I told almost everything to, except maybe the fact that I had always been in love with Niall. That, I hadn't told anyone and even now, I wondered how the hell I succeeded to keep that secret to myself for two decades.

"I haven't seen you in so long!" she added, hugging me even tighter before her embrace loosened and she pulled away to look in my eyes. "Still can't believe you followed that eejit to London. Why?"

She was very expressive and the facial expression she was sending me made me laugh.

"You know me, can't be away from his dumb face for too long."

Her lips curled into an amused smile and she pulled me to the bar, ordering beers before tilting her head and staring at me some more. I frowned and waited, knowing that a question was coming.

"You two dated a few years ago yea?" she raised her eyebrows as I nodded. "Okay now let's talk about the real shit. How does he fuck?"

My eyes got bigger and I chuckled, shaking my head. "Z!"

"No no, hear me out!" she continued, bending down closer to me. "Remember when Michelle, Lisa, Megan and I would get mad at you for ditching us for him?" she let out with a chin movement towards Niall.

I couldn't help but glance at him. He was sitting with a few people I recognized but I just licked my lips and turned back to my friend, shaking my head. "I didn't dit-"

"Oh you did. All the time." she cut me, making me raise my nose up in a grimace. "Well we always spent at least half an hour talking about you two and with the years, the conversations became... you know. I mean he grew up and," she paused and leaned back to take a look at him before looking back at me. "He's... he's hot."

I started laughing, shaking my head slightly at her enthusiasm.

"Niall was always hot." I pointed out, making her roll her eyes.

"You... it's different. I mean, I know you always said you didn't have feelings for him but girl, I know you better than that." she explained, making my heart literally stop beating. "Anyway, that's beside the point. So we did talk about the size of his cock and the way he fucked and we all had theories. I think it's time you reveal the truth."

"Forget it." I laughed, shaking my head.

"Why does it matter, you two broke up a million years ago!" her face suddenly changed and her lips parted as she moved closer. "You whore, you’re still dating him?"

"Zara!"

She raised both of her hands up and closed her eyes. "Alright alright, none of my business." she chuckled, opening her eyes again, her smile turning into a fond one. "I really hope for you, though. I know how much you love him. I can see it in your eyes."

I held my breath as she grabbed two beers, letting me take the two others and we walked slowly to the table.

"Don't be surprised okay? Ava is here. I know she's not your fave person but just pretend she's funny. Or interesting. Or ignore her, that's what I do."

I laughed again but my heart dropped in my chest when I noticed Ava, leaning against Niall as they were both laughing. I started thinking about that time I caught him masturbating in his room when he was 13, and how a few years later, he had admitted he was jerking off thinking about her. The whole thing made me swallow hard and I held the mugs tighter in my hands before placing them on the table. Most people looked up and when I noticed Rian, my eyes got bigger and I chuckled low.

"Wow, hey! What are you doing here?"

He got up and kissed my cheeks gently as I did the same before shaking my head. The last time I had seen Rian was when Niall and I went ice skating together when we were dating. Niall had shown a bit of jealousy back then and even if I knew I shouldn't, i really liked it. Of course, I had dated Rian for a few months and he was the first guy I ever slept with, but Niall seemed to forget that the reason I gave in to Rian after so many years was because he had lost his virginity to someone who wasn't me. It had hurt me so much that just thinking about it made it impossible not to swallow the lump in my throat.

"He's coming to visit me." Ava said, her hand on Niall's thigh to hold herself as she moved closer to me. "We have a thing going on."

Rian rolled his eyes with a smile and shook his head slightly before shrugging. "Just trying to see if it could work." he explained before talking lower. "I'm not moving back here though, there's no way."

I let out a louder laugh and nodded. "Yea, I'm not moving back here either."

The truth was, I didn't want to move back here mostly because I didn't really know anyone anymore. My parents were back in France, many of my friends had moved away and Niall... well, Niall was the person I wanted to follow. Or more, Niall was the person I wanted to be with. I didn't have to follow him, like he said. We could just take decisions together.

"Come on, petal, sit down."

Niall's voice reached my ear and I smiled, sitting next to him as he squirmed a bit on his chair to move forward, leaning his arms on the table and getting away from Ava's touch. I felt suddenly relieved and he sent me a smile. I felt his knee hit gently against mine under the table and my lips curled more.

"So what's up between you two?" Rian asked after sitting next to me. "Last time I saw you, you were together, then we all read in extremely reliable online articles that you two split and Niall was dating that actress or singer? What's her face? And Liv was getting married to an hollywood actor. This is some crazy shit, mates."

"I'm... not dating Heidi anymore." Niall pointed out, pressing his lips together in an awkward smile.

"And I called the wedding off and broke up with Dylan."

Everyone stared at us and Zara chuckled slightly after half a minute, shaking her head. "Wow. You guys need more drinks."

We started drinking and talking and after a few hours, I was starting to be tipsy. I walked to the bar to get more pints and while waiting, I leaned on the counter to stare at Niall. He was laughing with our old friends and I was suddenly thrown back to when we were younger and would hang out all together. I could pretend life was easy back then but it would be a lie. I had to admit, though, that everything changed when Niall left, and I do mean everything.

My lips curled on the left when I watched him throw his head back. I could hear his laughter even from where I was and something jumped inside me at the sight. I already knew, but once again, it hit me how much I loved him and how i'd never be over him. I didn't want to be over him anyway. I wanted to be with him.

"Having a good time?"

I raised my eyebrows in surprise before turning to the voice with a smile before looking at Niall again and finally putting my attention back on Rian.

"Mmhm, and you?"

I was getting so tipsy that I had a hard time hiding my attraction for Niall. I knew my eyes were probably betraying me but I was at that point where I didn't give a fuck anymore. A few more people we knew had joined us and we were all getting a bit drunk but when I turned around and smiled to Rian again, I noticed he was way past that stage. He sent me a small smirk and bent down closer, making me move back instinctively.

"You know you were my first fuck." he pointed out, making me chuckle low.

"Yea you were my first fuck too."

"You ever wonder what it would feel like more than a decade later?" he whispered after bending down more.

My lips parted and I glanced at him, standing up and shaking my head. "Honestly, no."

"Come on." he slurred as I pressed my lips together. "Just one time. I never really understood why you broke up with me, y'know?"

I looked up at him, feeling uneasy, and swallowed hard. I didn't want to cause a scene and I knew he was drunk but at the same time, I had no fucking idea what he was thinking at that exact moment. I knew he thought I was single, which I was... sort of, but I had the feeling he would insist even if I was officially taken.

"I just didn't have those feelings for you, that's why." I pointed out.

It was true and at the same time, it was also because I couldn't take Niall out of my mind. I felt his arm slither around my waist and pushed him away gently but firmly, raising my eyebrows at him.

"Two things. One, you're drunk and two, I'm not interested. It's been years, Rian, we both moved on." I pointed out. "Besides, aren't you with Ava now?"

"Ava and I have an agreement. Until we're official, we can fuck whoever we want. That's why she's all over your ex boyfriend."

My lips parted again and my heartbeats accelerated. I turned to look at Niall but for some reason, he had switched seat with me, leaving a free chair between him and Ava and I sighed of relief without thinking.

"That's why you said no to me for so long before agreeing to date me, right? That's also why you broke up with me isn't it?"

I turned back to him, noticing he had moved closer again. "What?"

"Him. Him and his fucking stupid angel face. You've always wanted him and he never fucking wanted you. The only time he dated you he fucking left you to be a famous little shit and now you're still looking at him like he's some sort of god."

"Shut up, you're pissed." I said low enough, getting suddenly angry.

"Still. You know i'm right." he added, sending me a small smile. "Come on, I'll make you cum so hard."

I felt Rian's hand on my breasts and this time, I pushed him harder as my heart seemed to stop.

"I said no!"

I felt my whole body on fire as I stared at him but he moved closer and grabbed the back of my head, pulling me against him to kiss me. This time, I started hitting his chest hard to push him away and I heard a chair scratch against the wood floor before falling down. It took about half a second for Niall to be between Rian and I, pushing him hard enough to make him back away a few feet.

"She said no."

"Oh yea, mister perfect is there again to save the day!" Rian let out a bit too loud in a sarcastic tone. "Same as you were back then. Always there to be the perfect 'best friend'." he laughed, doing quotation marks with his fingers on the last two words.

"Rian, don't go too far." Niall only replied, shaking his head slightly.

"She's not yours, anymore, Horan! So let it go!"

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

I took a step back, surprised by how well Niall could keep calm and glanced at our table to see all of our friends watching the show. It was not really how I imagined my night.

"You're a fuckin' asshole and I've always hated you, ya know that?"

"I'm very aware." Niall sighed. "But she said she was not interested, so keep your feckin' hands in your pockets."

"Or what?" Rian yelled, this time. "Or WHAT?"

"Rian, stop!"

We all turned to Ava who was frowning and Rian scoffed, shaking his head. "You stay out of this." he turned to Niall. "And you!" he grabbed him by his shirt and my heart sank in my chest as I moved closer, grabbing Rian's arm and trying to push him back.

"Please, stop!" I let out, suddenly panicked.

Niall didn't send me a glance and kept looking at Rian, "Liv, move back. Please Liv."

It took me a few seconds and I did as he asked just when Rian started talking again.

"She's not your girlfriend." he repeated. "So mind your own fuckin' business!"

"But I still love her." Niall admitted louder, making my lips part and my whole body throb. "I'm still in love with her. And I'm not gonna let you touch her, not without her consent."

Everything happened a bit too fast for me to react and I barely saw Rian let go of Niall to throw his fist at him. Gladly, he was totally hammered and Niall easily dodged his hit before throwing his own first on Rian's jaw. My eyes got bigger as Rian fell on the floor and I finally closed them, bringing both my hands on my face.

"MATES!"

I remained motionless, eyes closed and silent, until I felt someone pull me out and I only opened my eyes again when I felt the fresh air hit the skin of my face. It was a bit cold and I shivered, bringing my arms around myself before I felt someone wrap theirs around me from behind.

"Hey, you okay?" I didn't have to hear his voice, I immediately recognized Niall from the way he was touching me, and the way he smelled. God he smelled amazing. "I'm sorry about all this."

I shook my head and sighed. "Let's leave, okay?"

I noticed Ava and two other guys try to put Rian on the backseat of a car and Zara quickly ran to me, raising her nose up and placing her hand on my arm.

"Are you okay?" she asked softly, tilting her head, before I nodded. "I'll message you, okay? And if you invite me to Cali, I'd love to visit!"

I chuckled and nodded. "We can definitely plan that."

She glanced up at Niall and tried to stop a smirk from gracing her face without much success.

"Have fun you two." she just chuckled. "I'm rooting for you."

I laughed and closed my eyes again, a bit embarrassed but quickly, Niall moved away and reached for my fingers. I let him take my hand in his and we walked in silence. I knew where he was taking me but I didn't mention it and when we sat in the grass, I moved my legs over his thighs and felt his hand on mine, warming me. It was cold and I knew we wouldn't last too long outside but I enjoyed being close to him in silence. It took at least 20 minutes for Niall to talk again and hearing his voice made something stir in my stomach.

"I'm sorry." he said in a low tone, looking down at his hand on my thigh as he gently brushed his fingertips on my pants. "I don't know why I did that. But he had his hand on your breasts and I suddenly wanted to kill him."

I stared at him for a few seconds without talking and waiting for him to look up but he didn't. I pressed my lips together and placed my hand over his, grabbing his fingers and squeezing them.

"Thank you for defending me." I just replied, making him nod slightly. "You were so laid-back, I didn't expect you to throw your fist at him. You don't need to apologize."

He looked up at me and sent me a fond smile as I bit my bottom lip. Slowly, I moved closer and kissed him gently. I could feel my head spinning from all the alcohol in my body and when he deepened the kiss, I felt my eyes flutter behind my eyelids.

"I'm sorry." I whispered against his mouth. "I should have told our friends we were together. It would have spared a few problems."

"Not your fault. It's entirely his fault. He shouldn't have touched you after you said no, whether you were taken or not. He's an asshole and he deserved a good punch. I'm just happy I'm the one who gave him." he confessed, making me chuckle. "I can't believe he did that."

"Well he was seeing the way I was looking at you apparently. And he probably saw how Ava was all over you, too. Must have been hard for him to be rejected twice in the same night. I've rejected him a lot, too."

"Still not an excuse." Niall whispered, kissing my lips very gently.

"I know."

"Don't defend him, he's an arsehole."

"I know."

We remained silent again as we kissed some more. I felt his hand move up on me and slip between my thighs, the side of one of his fingers pressing on my pussy. I whimpered very low and chuckled.

"It's way too cold to fuck here."

"I know." he groaned. "I just can't believe we have to sleep at my mom's. Every single time we come visit you don't want to let me fuck you."

The way he pouted and his childish tone made a laugh boom out of me and I finally leaned my forehead against his and brought my hand to his cheek.

"I'll let you tomorrow morning, but only if you agree to do something tonight that I've always wanted to do."

He frowned and pulled away to stare at me suspiciously. "I want to ask if I'll regret it but if you let me cum inside you tomorrow then I'm ready for anything."

I laughed again and kissed him with a smile. It felt so great to be wanted even if most of the time, It also felt surreal. We walked back to his mom's and it was extremely late when he tried to find the right keys to walk inside before realizing the door was not locked. We both laughed as we walked inside, and it made me realize we were both still quite tipsy. We walked slowly, trying to remain silent without much success and when he bumped into the table, we both laughed. He pulled me closer and started kissing me hard, sticking his tongue on my mouth only to turn me on, I suspected. His normal taste was altered with the taste of beer but I loved it and I moaned low in his mouth. I couldn't remember how we ended up on the roof but I stared up at the sky, tilting my head with a smile.

"That's really all you wanted?" he asked after a while. "Watch the stars like we used to do on the roof of your house?"

I kept looking up at the indigo sky and pressed my lips together before licking them.

"We used to do that all the time, just you and I, and I remember wishing you would kiss me every single time. That's why we're here. I want to kiss you while we watch the stars together."

Niall chuckled low. "You're so cheesy. I blame you for my romantic side."

I turned to send him a big smile. "You're welcome."

His lips curled into a fond and loving grin and I bit my bottom lip.

"I will kiss you anywhere you want. Any time you want. For any reason you can think of, or for no reason at all except that I love you."

I felt my heart melt in my chest and breathed in, trying to keep my tears in. He was leaning on his side to look at me, holding himself with one of his elbows and arms, and suddenly, I could see the adorable 14 year old he used to be, with his blonde hair and his crooked teeth. I felt my heart swell and my eyes watered, letting a tear fall on one of my cheeks as I sniffed. Was I really going to push away this man out of fear? Was that a good way to live life anyway? To stop myself from being happy in fear of being hurt again? It was ridiculous.

"We will be together, Niall."

He frowned slightly and moved his upper body closer. "What?"

"If you still want of me..." I repeated before breathing in deeply. "if you still want to be with me.. really be with me. Officially. It will happen."

"I'll always want that Olivia." he simply replied but I could hear surprise and happiness in his voice and when I looked up at him, his eyes seemed to sparkle. They shined even more than they did at the bar when he was drunk and it made my heart jump in my chest. Perhaps, it was only the reflection of the lights of the streets, or maybe I was hallucinating it... but I didn't think so. He seemed genuinely excited by my words.

"I just need more time. But it will happen." I explained more. "I'll never be able to live without you anyway. And I don't want to. I don't want to live without you, Niall."

His lips curled into the biggest smile and he chuckled, moving closer and sliding his hand behind my head. I could feel his fingers sink in my hair as he pulled me closer.

"Best news of the day. It beats everything else." he let out low. "Now, I'm going to kiss you beneath the stars until you're too tired to keep your eyes open."

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan story #niall horan writing #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #my fanfics #yam

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weraceasone · 4 years ago

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Hi elle, regarding your response to Max anon. I think Max is just an easy person to hate. Because he's harsh, he's just bluntly honest and he has an i dont care all attitude. He has a foul mouth, and he does things without thinking. I agree with you, that he definitely deserves a lot of the heat he receives, but to the extend that people will hate him for breathing?? i don't think so. Its important we criticise him for the bad things he's done, but i see people apologising for even posting about him, get death threats for supporting him. They don't only hate Max, they hate people who support him and I feel its all gotten out of hand, no?

He's aggressive, you're right, in both driving and during the times we can see him (i wont say off track bcs idk Max so idk how he is); but Charles is also aggressive in his driving, he's gone for a gap that's not there so many times and no one says he's a shit driver like they did Max—Of course, Charles just has to mature in his driving, evidently Max is now less rash and reckless in his driving, its something you learn over time. He's aggressive when he kicks the car, the wall, when he swears on radio when he loses a pole or his car isn't working, I agree. I hate that he is too. He swears a lot especially to GP, but GP still has a good relationship with him. Daniel has destroyed his and Max's driver's room in anger and I haven't seen any criticism for it. Drivers have told their engineers to "fucking shut up" when they're racing and no one cares. Your analogy, is terrible, forgive me, because if Max actually hits someone (im aware he's pushed Esteban) no one would say that.

And thing is, Carlos has done equally (or even more) worse and he doesn't get flamed on for every word he says. (Im talking about the chinese restaurant video) why? because he's charming and he's pretty and "he's so funny when he's when lando!!" It's easy to forgive Carlos, to say, oh it's a one off, when he clearly still supports far right wing political parties.

Infact, you dislike Kimi because he is cold and straightforward or always being blunt at his engineers. Ever wonder why that is? Is it because he's unlikeable or because he fails to meet the standard of expectation of pleasantries? Plus, this is just what the media show of him, its his persona, its the "Oh, Kimi" thing people will eat up. Are u justified to dislike it, yeah, but does that mean Kimi is a shit person? no. If anything, it shows, we as humans, are biased to our own opinions. You dislike Kimi because he's not a person you would gravitate to in general (sans the iron cross thing), evident from your rant. No one has a problem with that because u disliking one person doesn't hurt anyone. ((People hating Max, and in turn, hating people who don't hate Max, hurts other people, but thats not something i blame you for))

This is very long but I just dont like the inconsistency, i think you're free to dislike whoever you want, to not support them, to criticise the dumb shit they do (which there's a lot for Max) but you have to be consistent to everyone, no ? Im not just saying this bcs I like Max, infact, he isn't even a fav of mine, and i can easily say he can be such a piece of shit and at times is a piece of shit but its only him that gets this treatment. Maybe think about why that is.

(for anyone wondering about the context for this ask, go here) hey Anon! I’m going to be really honest with you; I’m honestly not too sure what you’re trying to tell me. you said you agree with me on the fact that Max deserves a lot of the heat he receives, but I never said that. that’s an assumption, because when you read through the answer, you can see I never said that. I do agree with you that it’s gotten way out of hand and that people shouldn’t get death threats for supporting Max, that’s just ridiculous and I agree with you on the fact that that’s gotten way out of hand.

“he’s aggressive, you’re right”, I never said that. I use the word aggressive when talking about myself, but never about Max. the anon who asked me the question did mention Max being aggressive, but I didn’t. in the whole answer I never talked about the way Max drives, because I was talking about his character. telling me that Charles drives aggressive too… what is that even referring to? I never mentioned driving. (and if you want to know, drivers driving aggressively is fine by me, most of the time they only mess with their own race by doing that, so honestly… be my guest). if Daniel destroyed his and Max’ driving rooms, then of course I don’t approve of that. but the reason you’re not seeing any criticism because of that is probably because it happened years ago. the only thing I mentioned in the answer was Max saying slurs, I didn’t even mention him pushing Esteban and the reason I mentioned Max saying slurs was because it happened half a year ago. “if Max actually hits someone (im aware he's pushed Esteban) no one would say that.” say what? I don’t know what you mean by this. “Carlos has done equally (or even more) worse and he doesn’t get flamed on for every word he says”, first of all: I think everyone should decide for themselves if Carlos has done worse or not. second of all: I’m not the only person in this fandom, am I? you’re constantly switching between ‘you’ and talking about the fandom in general, why are you shifting the blame onto me? I’m not the spokesperson for this fandom. I mentioned many, many times before that I believe my opinion does not weigh more heavily than other people’s opinions do. “Infact, you dislike Kimi because he is cold and straightforward or always being blunt at his engineers. Ever wonder why that is? Is it because he's unlikeable or because he fails to meet the standard of expectation of pleasantries?” yes, that is literally why I dislike him. because he has characteristics that I do not like in a person. “Are u justified to dislike it, yeah, but does that mean Kimi is a shit person? no.” I never said that. literally, never ever said that. I never talk about Kimi, ever. the only reason why I mentioned I didn’t like him is because somebody asked why I never post about him. somebody asked, so I gave my honest opinion. I didn’t “rant”, I literally answered a question. I’m sorry, but what you are saying doesn’t make any sense. with “the inconsistency”, what do you mean? like I said before, I literally ignore drivers that I don’t like. somebody asked me a question about Max, just like somebody asked me a question about Kimi, and I answered it in an honest way. that’s all I did. “i think you're free to dislike whoever you want, to not support them, to criticise the dumb shit they do (which there's a lot for Max) but you have to be consistent to everyone, no ?” yes Anon, I’m consistently ignoring them. and saying that I’m allowed to dislike a person and then saying you don’t like me being inconsistent while I am being consistent, doesn’t make any sense. am I only allowed to be consistent if that fits your agenda?

“your analogy is terrible, forgive me”, I forgive you Anon, because you’re allowed to think that. but maybe your interpretation of it was terrible too, cause half of the things you mention I never said, but are based on assumptions you made. maybe this sounds like I’m a bit pissed off, and that’s because I am, cause you’re putting words in my mouth that I never said, you’re judging my character wrong and I’m sorry Anon, but I really don’t appreciate that, that honestly upsets me.

you know, we should probably just leave it like this. we clearly aren’t having the same conversation. I do hope you’re having a good day!

#elle answers

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kinkymagnus · 4 years ago

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I love you (no Romo though) also do you have omega Magnus ideas

flkgjdgkdjfg mood anon

hm... ok this will probably be messy but let’s get on some highlights

OK THIS GOT SUPER LONG HAHAHA

set up and worldbuilding my guys

ok so first of all i feel like i gotta talk about how this interacts with trans magnus. i promise i’ll get to the fun stuff afterwards!!

i know some people like to go more into like, the realistic dynamics of a/b/o (trans a/b/o people, as in, a trans alpha who was born an omega, or like, sexism that has to do with a/b/o and those different new stereotypes, as well as like “non traditional a/b/o dynamics” like alpha/alpha or omega/omega relationships, how this interacts with new different sexualities (being attracted to only alpha females? alphas and betas and all primary genders? etc.) and how it intersects with REAL transphobia and sexism and sexuality) and like.... i have two takes on this i guess:

one: while this is not inherently wrong i guess, it’s just. not what i get from a/b/o. for me a/b/o isn’t a complex worldbuilding set to play with necessarily, although i def am one to ask questions and overthink worldbuilding even in the stupidest of shit. but like, i come to a/b/o for fluff (nesting, fluffy heat sex, maybe scenting and/or “mates” if i’m feeling it), smut (knotting, heats/ruts, etc.), and MAYBE angst but that gets into dodgy territory sometimes. (i’m a slut for arranged marriage aus tho ngl dfgkldjfdg.) like. that specific set of tropes is combined perfectly in a/b/o, and it’d be hard to do that in a coherent au as this is already established and saying “au where alec has knots and magnus has heats” is weird. the only other au that gets close is very specifically like a werewolf au which has its own trappings, you know? it’s a specific coherent and established au and it’s hard to separate the tropes i like from the other stuff.

two: again, i don’t think it’s inherently bad. but i do think that a lot of people who do this are basically just reinventing real issues like transphobia, homophobia/queerphobia, and sexism... without actually dealing with those things or the characters they would involve. and i think that it often strays into yikes territory. so like. i don’t love it. (also it does have some yikes stuff people do like going really, really hard on the oppressed omega angle, or worse, reinforcing the gender roles of omega = submissive soft weak baby, alpha = strong dominant and scary man. or sometimes they establish other roles but either way like, all their characters fall into that. and i think sometimes it kind of works for this feeling like a guilty pleasure trash romance novel where it’s just uncomplicated fantasy of being taken care of, but like.... even then it just gets dodgy, you know? also it does tend to get INCREDIBLY rapey.)

i often used a/b/o for the things i mentioned, and before i started writing trans magnus smut, also ironically as a way to sort of write trans magnus in smut without actually doing it out of fear of backlash/lack of popularity. and while backlash hasn’t been much of a problem, my popularity has definitely gone down fics-wise. (i get much less in the stats area on ao3 now)

and cis omega magnus is in a way basically trans magnus but he has a penis and there’s knotting. like i said, in many ways, a/b/o is sort of a way to write porn with trans characters while keeping to cisnormativity. i, as a trans person, took advantage of that to get more comfortable with writing it, but a lot of cis people use it basically to just. do that. you know.

so how do i reconcile this with trans magnus?

basically i say “fuck you, he’s trans AND an omega, i want heats/ruts and knotting and nesting and shit” and then ignore it lmao

like ok he isn’t cis. he’s afab and gnc and all the shit i normally write, it’s just like. he also gets heats and his ass doesn’t get wet dlfkjgdfg (god it sounds So Unappealing when you say it like that. now that i allow myself to write smut with real trans characters i could never go back to a/b/o--although, like. some a/b/o aus actually do have male omegas have a pussy but that feels even more slimy in the sense of just. make them trans.) and like alec’s an alpha and so on you know.

i basically just ignore all the complex worldbuilding shit and trying to figure out how sexuality and gender and the various -phobias and -isms would be effected by the addition of secondary genders and their trappings, and just go “fuck you” under the guise of an a/b/o au

tl;dr, so i have a lot of complicated feelings on a/b/o and how it generally is something i do not trust people to write properly. but i also am a total slut of a lot of tropes that are sort of entrenched in a/b/o specifically. namely, heats/ruts, knotting, nesting/scenting, etc.

let’s get into the fun stuff.

magnus and heats :)

ok so heats are super like. vulnerable, you know? i’d think magnus would take heat suppressants (ah another plot convenience in this au) because he doesn’t want to spend his heat with someone he doesn’t trust. that’s not to say he’s never had a heat with someone, or even that it’s been all bad experiences, but it never clicked super well i think and like, it’s something that’s very hard for him. because there’s a lot of vulnerability and trust involved, and he loses control and could so easily get hurt

also possibility: while he can take suppressants to lessen how many times he gets a heat, taking them consistently for literally centuries sounds like it could fuck someone up. so. perhaps. magnus occasionally spends his heat with a trusted friend like meliorn (not someone who feels like Family and therefore would it feel incesty, but def someone who is a close friend) and while he still doesn’t love the feeling of being that vulnerable, and it can be uncomfortable--it’s not like he’s looking forward to it--but like... he definitely does trust meliorn (and possibly other non canon characters?) and it’s not like it’s disgusting and miserable. it’s not like, The Same, but it satisfies the biological side of it and sometimes it’s even like. fun, you know? it’s nice.

ngl i actually kind of like the idea of meliorn helping him with these heats and being like a trusted alpha he knows would never hurt him like that. that does mess with any angst you want to go with him not trusting alphas or not like, having good experiences with heats/ruts (like in “stuck in a rut”), but like, different aus different stories, and anyway you could probably work something in there about meliorn specifically being different and someone he trusts

this is on and off, he sometimes does have heats with whatever romantic partner he’s with, although it... doesn’t always end well. so he has a lot of bad experiences, but at least with meliorn he has a good experience to look to, as well.

also camille was a TERRIBLE alpha. i can 100 percent see her using his heat against him to hurt him (and being like oh baby dont you trust me? you cant go to this seelie for your heats, you cant cheat on me, and why are you taking suppressants, dont you trust me--?) as well as potentially her ruts (actually a) im not sure i want to go into the logistics of a female alpha--would she... have a penis? because i’m not making camille a trans woman nor am i touching those transmisgyonistic vibes with a ten foot pole. b) actually, maybe she’s a beta. she could use that against him, as well--being like she doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal, you know? also i refuse to believe only an alpha can satiate a heat even tho it would work the best because like--fuck i’m overthinking the worldbuilding again this is EXACTLY what i wanted to avoid. fuck, never mind.)

but like...........when he gets it (namely with alec, because yes, i am a slut) with like someone he honestly is a viable “mate” or someone he trusts and like, has actual romantic feelings for, too...............it’s literally mindblowing. magnus had no fucking idea heats could feel this good. obviously he had fun with meliorn and felt safe even if he felt kind of awkward/uncomfortable (not bc of anything meliorn did but his own issues with being vulnerable) but like............... alec just fucking makes him melt???

like he felt safe before, he did know meliorn would never ever hurt him or take advantage of his heat, but now he feels so like... free and safe and open? it’s not just the normal vulnerability that comes with but the complete lack of discomfort, just feeling absolutely safe and like. not worried at all? again i want to emphasize it’s not that he felt unsafe before or that meliorn necessarily did something wrong, but bc of his own like. readiness to be vulnerable + while he does trust meliorn, it’s like. it hits different with a romantic partner (in this specific context!! this is not a romantic > platonic thing), if that makes sense.

an y wa y THE POINT IS. magnus is like. Mind Blown. having sex with alec during his heat is like. amazing. alec is so intent on taking care of him and just worshiping his body (alec!! ravishing him!! pressing warm kisses all over his tits!!! big hands all over his body!! caressing him everywhere and giving him physical affection all over and just making him squirm and moan!!!!!!) and like. not only is he absolutely intent on taking care of magnus and making him feel good and making sure he’s comfortable, but like also it’s just??? really fun?? and alec gives him so much affection and so many kisses???

magnus is not the best conversation partner during heat because he is a little. busy. but it doesn’t stop alec from talking to him and helping him stay grounded and just like... treating him like a person? he hadn’t realized one of the reasons he was so comfortable with meliorn and now alec wasn’t just bc he knew them well and trusted them with this kind of thing, but because like. they treated him like he was present despite him being mostly non-verbal and incoherent beyond vague pleading. like, they always made sure he was comfortable and talked to him and didn’t just do what they wanted with him. it didn’t feel like he was a doll--getting satisfied and fucked hard, yes, but like. also sort of just being used. and not in the fun sexy pre-planned way, but like, in a way that just made him feel more distant and disconnected.

but alec very much doesn’t do that. he keeps talking (and there is a lot of praise! so much praise and gentle affection and teliing him how beautiful he is and how good he’s doing--and of course dirty talk wink wink) and even narrating what he’s doing/his intentions, you know, and not only his voice generally soothing but it’s just nice you know

and like again i would just like to go back to alec ravishing magnus’s tiddies with kisses and holding them in his Big Hands and massaging them and like kissing his nipples and just making him feel so good??? iconic. we stan.

and alec like. is the perfect mix of gentle and rough, you know? he knows when to pin magnus down and fuck him nice and hard and rough and get him squealing and begging, but he also knows when to be gentle--particularly at the beginning and when he’s coming down. not to mention even when he is fucking magnus hard there’s a lot of gentle touch accompanying it

also not to just be a slut but

Also It Feels Good Because Alec Has a Huge Cock

that’s not to say meliorn doesn’t or even that you need a big dick to pleasure someone well but like.

alec has a big cock.

and it feels. hhhhh. good

magnus when alec first slides into him in heat: [straight up just immediately goes incoherent and whining with pleasure and kinda just mewling and clawing weakly at his back or the sheets on either side of him]

and alec fucks him so well :) like they’re honestly both feeling so fucking good like just AAAAAAAAA im such a slut for alec taking care of magnus in heat

also. uhh. K N O T T I N G

alec sliding into him nice and slow to make sure hes ok and like hes loving it, alec fucks him, and when he’s about to knot him magnus is somewhere in the back of his mind expecting that usual queasy sort of anticipation like he does Want It but usually he does kind of feel a little discomfort and again just... apprehension. this is The Moment, and he’s really giving up control you know

but it. doesnt come (but magnus is about to AHAHA)

and he just wants.

like he honestly just really really wants this and it’s kind of a revelation how much he genuinely wants this

alec knots him and magnus is Losing His Mind it feels so fucking good he comes almost right away and he’s just right there again

hes so Full and everything about it feels amazing

and like after alec has like. made him come a dozen times squirting and came inside magnus’s cunt and kept him knotted full there’s just this moment where magnus is exhausted in the best way, lying on his back, legs spread, alec still knotted inside him, his cunt is full of cum and he’s panting and moaning a little and alec is just on top of him and it’s warm and amazing and he’s coming down from the high and he just feels.... incredibly relaxed actually

like he’s like wow have i ever been this melty and relaxed and floaty, like, ever?

the answer is no, not really.

alec is just gently stroking his hair, pressing soft close-mouthed kisses to his skin, and they just sort of cuddle for a bit while waiting for magnus to come down completely from his heat and for alec’s knot to go down and honestly just lying there entwined is really, really nice.

magnus is full and relaxed and he genuinely loves this feeling in a way he’s never experienced before

even when alec pulls out and magnus is pretty much back to himself completely again magnus is so exhausted he just sort of lies back and lets himself breathe and alec is like Pamper Mode Activate(TM) and magnus tries to be like its ok to relax i do like cuddling with you and i can clean up myself its ok and alecs like But I Want To Take Care Of You and like helps clean him up (just... magnus lets himself relax as alec gently uses a damp cloth to wipe away cum and slick you know? idk there’s just something intimate and sweet about the dom helping clean their sub up in the aftercare) and gets him water and a snack and then once they’re both tidied up pulls him into his arms and he strokes his hair and they just cuddle and it’s great :)

i wonder if magnus talks to meliorn about this either. hm

and from then on, alec is the one he goes to for heats. and alec, of course, becomes immortal, which means he can take care of magnus for the rest of their lives :’))

whether magnus would stay on suppressants is another matter because on one hand heats can be inconvenient and like he might still want to minimize them, but on the other hand Hnnnnnnggg Alec Feel Good. so i could see them going either way here.

also i mean................that’s not to say that meliorn would Never help magnus either..... two possibilities here: 1. for whatever reason magnus’s heat is coming and alec can’t be there. meliorn is happy to help. it’s good to have back up i guess lkjfgh fuck idk. but the real fun one....

2. as magnus has more heats, they may or may not have a little Fun with it. perhaps roleplay (whether this be like “oh..... oh no..... im a poor little maid and i’ve gone into heat.....Looks Like My Boss Will Have To Fuck Me” or like even pretending the heat isn’t part of it and he’s Just That Slutty and we love to see it, etc. obviously they alec is sure not to push it too far, he teases magnus but probably a lot less than he normally would bc he’s so sensitive and needy and eager-to-please, but like.... they sure do have some fucking fun with this.

and also. i mean.

threesomes. y’all knew i was going here.

look idk how i got so far on the magnus/meliorn (as close friends and fuckbuddies not romantically) train but HERE WE ARE.

magnus getting absolutely wrecked by two alphas and LOVING it is not something he ever thought would happen, particularly while he was in heat, but it’s happening and he absolutely loves it.

also there are other fun possible scenarios like in “goldenrod” where alec doesn’t know that magnus is an omega and Shenanigans Ensue or whatever like just....both fluffy and angsty possibilities.

i’m a total slut for friends to lovers “oh no magnus is in heat :( but alec can help him through it, gently and lovingly, just completely as a friend :)” which can get into dubcon territory but if you fuck with it it’s doable. and i’m just a slut for pining pre-relationship heat sex.

even like in an au, alec playing the role meliorn did in the previous bullet points but blended with how i discussed their first heat together so like... helping his best friend through his heats, showing him a really good time, making sure he’s comfortable and magnus is just like wow i’ve never felt this good and safe during a heat before :) guess it’s because we’re friends and definitely no other reasons :)

i’m not sure how to word this right but i feel like there’s a potential angst here of like a mundane au of some sort wherein magnus has only had a few relationships with alphas and none of them great so when alec is helping him through his heat he assumes it’s different (as in, alec is so gentle and caring and treating him like this, and he feels safe) because they’re friends and it’s a different dynamic, and that being treated Badly is just like, the normal way alphas treat their mates. or something. look. let me have my whump ok

but the point is alec sets him straight obviously

but like anyway i just like.........i adore friends to lovers malec and heat sex it’s got so much fluffy potential with magnus just feeling Utterly Safe (and pining angst) and alec is both a) incredibly turned on/helplessly in love with him so he’s loving every second (even tho Pining Angst) and b) just in awe that magnus trusts him that much??? (also sad he’s SURPRISED at being treated gently flgkhfjghgh)

malec and ruts

ok as i explored in “stuck in a rut” i think it makes sense that magnus would not feel incredibly secure during ruts. it’s not something he would have sought out with say, meliorn, although he would have been willing to do that meliorn has other partners more than willing to help him with that and actually love it while magnus is. very wary of it.

like a heat, it leaves him feeling very out of control and it seems kind of scary--but it’s almost worst, because rather than feeling needy and helpless (which is a good thing when with a trusted partner but not so much when he’s less sure, or when they take advantage of that) it’s like. he’s cornered totally sober with a similarly out of control alpha, except with more Dominance(TM) and potential aggression you know?

so maybe he’s had some very bad experiences before. and i doubt it’s been literally all terrible, but i think he would likely avoid relationships with alphas, so he wouldn’t have a lot of experiences to draw from overall anyway

but like okay let’s get to the fun stuff

i’ve been over the angst of magnus not being sure how this is gonna go but wanting to Tough It Out with “stuck in a rut” although it’s probably a bit exaggerated for fun angst purposes but idk aaaaa

but anyway the point is here. alec gets his first rut with magnus and like, he probably hasn’t been with anyone during a rut (suppressants?) so this is wild for both of them

but even Feral(TM) alec’s entire goal is just taking care of magnus

i mean obviously there’s an element of like wanting to get his own satisfaction and all but it’s just like..... mutual pleasure you know??? like he wants to fuck magnus nice and hard and make him feel good and magnus is just a mewling mess in his arms letting alec take control and ravish him and they are both having a great time actually

but like ok let’s just. move away for a moment from angst

just................... alec fucking magnus nice and hard and rough, pinning him down and “”making“” him take it, and there isn’t really much teasing because he’s too busy wanting to fuck magnus and fill him up :)

but like it’s also fluffy bc even all needy and desperate alec still takes the time to make sure he’s ready and prepared and wet and into this before fucking him, makes sure he’s comfortable and checks in on him and if magnus safeworded or told him to stop you know he absolutely would, without hesitation, even if it literally hurt to do. which is basic decency obviously but the like.... the just trust and care there? the fact that even in a literal fucking rut when he’s supposed to be out of control he’d force himself to stop if magnus needed or wanted him to is just.... comforting and good and i love it

and magnus is like hm i have never felt this safe when with an alpha in rut before! time to examine this trauma later.

nesting (ft. scenting)

AAAAAAAAAAAA

i love the concept of nesting so much it’s so fluffy and sweet and dkgjfklgjg

you build a pillow/blanket/clothing nest that smells like the people u love and u feel safe in

and then you get ravished in it sometimes

iconic.

like magnus just piling a fuck ton of soft things (ranging from blankets/pillows to just like spare sheets and shit like that) and stealing alec’s clothes to put in there and curling up in the middle of it feeling safe and in heaven tbh

especially once they key component of the nest arrives: alec

*magnus yoinking alec into the nest and immediately curling up against him like a particularly insistent cat*

alec is just like This Is Precious and wraps his arms around him and strokes his hair and magnus is purring (purring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we Will discuss this later)

and it’s just nice and somft??

fluffy cuddles?

i feel like nesting would be a particular urge either during or near heats so im just imagining pre heat magnus being like *suddenly stands up* I Must Gather Soft Things (Meaning Pillows, Blankets, And Alec)

and he just makes a nest, all aesthetically pleasing and arranged nicely, maybe a candle nearby with a nice scent that kind of helps, and just..... curling up in alecs arms all content

and alec ADORES this like the first several times magnus was scared of coming off as clingy so he suppressed nesting instincts let alone cuddly needy clingy instincts but alec was sort of like hey baby it’s ok if you just don’t want to but do u need to nest?

and also he just made a point of being more touchy/affectionate when his heat was coming up/dying down and he watched carefully to make sure it didn’t magnus uncomfortable but he melted into it even more than usual

so like just....alec cuddling the fuck out of magnus in his nest and it’s warm and safe and smells like home????

scenting i feel is kind of weird and i feel weird being like “mm he smells good” or whatever but like also it can be so cute when done right you know lkgjdgfg like omg just...... Alec Smells Like Home

their scents kinda mix and both of them have the others’ lingering on them and people can tell they’re super close

and just.....................again..........alec like scenting him, marking him as his in a sort of gentle soft way? and like, burying his nose in his neck and nuzzling him and he smells so nice and good???

especially if you’re going with true mates think their mates’ scent is just the best thing ever flgjlkjlfkgjfgh

but anyway ok

back to nesting

and specifically, because i am a whore, to S E X

magnus feeling absolutely safe there and it smells like home and alec’s holding him and it’s so--

hey so i know i said i was going to do sex,

but hold on a sec

ANGST

magnus has nested before. but generally not with romantic partners.

not sure if familal nesting is a thing--i feel like it’s possible, but given a general association with heat (i mean one could either feel the urge to or simply enjoy nesting outside of Heat Time(TM) but like) it feels a little weird

so let’s go with it’s more romantic except for maybe like really young kids or something idk

but anyway moving on from that

magnus has nested before

but almost always alone

and an empty nest is just not the same?? it’s still warm/safe but like... it feels empty and sad too. especially if he DOES have a romantic partner they just don’t want to nest with him--saying he’s clingy, or it’s time consuming/boring to just sit there, or whatever else.

camille was particularly guilty of this, he had to basically hide his nest and cram it in a closet or something (the enclosed space was actually kind of nice but it was too cramped for his liking and it felt even more empty and sad than usual)

and then he would just be there alone in his small empty nest and it was still reassuring but it was just......not the same

also he didn’t have anything to ground him so he got all fidgety (adhd magnus? adhd magnus.) and like it was a lot less comforting than normal you know

but with alec OH BOY

not only does he feel all warm and grounded in alec’s arms like he can relax and doze off and feel good and alec is stroking his hair and it’s just. nice

but like also

BACK TO SEX

alec making sweet love to magnus in their nest and it’s just like wow this is the most safe place possible

it’s not even heat sex they’re just having fun and magnus is like this is my dream come true

and then obviously there is also heat sex

it is the most mindblowing thing either of them have ever experienced

also i feel like while it’s not an instinct thing to build nests for ruts, they still do it because they’re soft and it helps them relax anyway

PURRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PURRING

ok i absolutely love the a/b/o headcanon i’ve seen before where like, omegas purr only when feeling completely safe? particularly around alphas?

so like.

magnus doesn’t purr that often.

or he didn’t but then he fell in love with alec “his arms feel like home and safety and love” lightwood

it is not uncommon to see him cuddled in alec’s arms purring contently

or like in his nest leaning into alec’s side or head resting on his chest, PURRING

also i have this fic somewhere but au wherein alec doesn’t know magnus is an omega yet and then finds out because magnus dozed off on his chest and BEGAN. PURRING. BECAUSE HE FEELS SO FUCKING SAFE AND TRUSTS ALEC SO MUCH.

even if he hadn’t told alec about being an omega yet for whatever reason

anyway just alec stroking magnus’s hair while he purrs away and its adorable and also soothing for both of them so they fall asleep like that

magnus’s purring is like a soothing thing for alec big time its good sensory time and also just generally nice so its easy for him to conk out with magnus warm in his arms and purring loudly

it’s very nice

and also he loves that magnus feels that safe with him

MATES

this one will be short but like

basically the whole mates for life thing is cute

and it can just kinda be like soulmate aus

which are all vaguely problematic but just really cute/fun to have and not think about too hard

so them being mates is just cute idk man i like it

ok that’s it for now (i’m gonna add more in a separate reblog for reasons but that’s only on one topic, you’ll see--i think i’ll do that tomorrow bc im very tired rn) that’s the omega magnus manifesto (some parts not included)

#trans magnus smut #omega magnus #long post #malec #alec lightwood #magnus bane #shadowhunters

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dylanxmin · 5 years ago

Text

A Little Serendipity

Part.9

before / next

•masterlist•

———————

I put down my phone, after the text I just received from Hoseok. The feeling was making me sad and angry at the same time, but even I couldn’t understand why am I feeling like this after a text about Min Yoongi and someone that nobody knows. I grumbled to myself, looked away, then grumbled again, which know I could feel Soo-Bin’s eyes, staring at me with curiosity, but I didn’t look at her because I didn’t know what to say to her. So, I covered my face with my hands and sighed, hope that would hold Soo-Bin away but it didn’t, as always. “What’s going on with you?” I heard her question but neither I answered the question nor changed my body. I just stand there like nothing happened, like she never asked me a question and I never saw that text. “Eyyy! You can’t get rid of me like that and you know it YN.” She insists for an answer, but like I said before, I didn’t know what to say to her. I couldn’t say its about Min Yoongi because it would be hilarious, as I saw him just once and no one should fall far someone at first sight but it was me. I always had feelings for someone at first sight then lived a platonic life, it just so typical of me. I patted my face with my hands then looked at her, while hoping that she is already minding on her business but of course she wasn’t. I sighed and tried my best to lie to my best friend. “Its nothing. Just thinking about my new book, as you know I am a writer.” I tried to smile but I swear it wasn’t close at all. She looked at me with ‘bitch no’ face, the face she does when I tried lie to her and fail. Ugh, sometimes it is annoying to have someone who knows you well and can understand if you are lying or not. “Uhh, okay,” I couldn’t stand her pressing stares and give up, because who am I kidding, she know me well. I tried to take a deep breathe, with a full of courage but it was just air, as expected. I shake my head, then changed my pose, to becoming more comfortable.

“I don’t know why or don’t know how, the text about Min Yoongi made me feel awkward,” I was too scared to look at her eyes and seeing those judging eyes, that’s why I didn’t look at her and continued. “I know you probably thinking that I am miserable as always, but it is not something big so, I can make it go away. Don’t worry about it.” I finished my words but still I wasn’t look at her. She didn’t say anything to, either. Which it was making me more and more nervous, feeling stupid because of my emotions. “Honey, aren’t you gonna look at me?” Her voice was sweet and not judging at all, so finally I could manage to look at her. She was smiling at me, so for a respond I smiled back at her but mine was very weak. “Yoongi, huh?” She asked me in irony, it reminded me yesterday, while i was teasing her about Taehyung. I nodded my head as a meaning of that I get her, her intentions. “I am stupid right?” It wasn’t a question actually, it was the truth about me, falling for someone who is semi-known person and probably he would think that I liked him because of his fame. “Why are you saying those things to yourself?” She got up from the couch and headed to my side, while looking angry at me and I was so sure that she will hit my head, when she sit beside me.

“Stop saying those things you idiot,” She hit me on the head then continued, “Having some feelings for someone isn’t something makes you stupid, right?” I nodded my head, but in reality it makes you stupid, feelings make you stupid as we see all the things that I do when I had feelings for someone and doing such stupid things. “It is not important though, because he had someone already so, we should probably stop talking about it, as it doesn’t matter anymore.” I was little broken but its not much, since I only saw him once, but saying that he has someone, hurts. I should probably stop talking about him and head to my room to working on a new story, but my body didn’t give me permission for that. “Uhm, yeah I know you see the text but that doesn’t mean anything. I know Yoongi for a long time now and if that person were meant something to him, we were all knowing the name and having her or him by our side, but i think it is just one night thing or close to it.” She patted my back. I was trusting her but still it made me feel uncomfortable having some crush over a boy who had someone in his life. So I decided to keep it quiet and make it go away, somewhere away from me. “I get it but still I don’t want to have feelings for him so, you just can forget it, already.” I said. She raised her brows and made her eyer bigger and gave me a look. I know that she doesn’t believe me at this time but I was sure about going to make her believe my emotions. “If you say so,” she hold her hands beside her body meaning as giving up, but she wasn’t and I know her well, too. “Im going to sleep, so?” She nodded her head and gave me a good night hug then we headed to our own rooms. I changed my clothes but it felt like ages ago. I literally threw myself on the bed, having so much tough about everything in my life. About writing, having problems with my family, my biggest failure and Min Yoongi of course. Aish, why I was still thinking about him? I wanted to stop these little aches in my stomach but I couldn’t of course. After 2 hours I could manage to fall asleep, besides my thoughts.

hello you there 👋🏼👋🏼 there is the new part of the story. Hope you would enjoy it :) lots of love 💜✨

#min yoongi #min yoongi x reader #min yoongi imagine #bts imagines #bts au #bts text imagines #jin x reader #jimin x reader #jungkook x reader #namjoon x reader #taehyung x reader #hoseok x reader #jung hoseok #jeon jungkook #kim namjoon #kim taehyung #kim seokjin #park jimin

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blackcoffeeandblankpagess · 5 years ago

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1/2 so i’ve been dealing with (read ignoring) an ankle/foot injury for a number of weeks/months. i kept telling myself it was fine because there’s no bruising etc and i was marathon training and had consulted with a pod who showed me how to strap etc. in reality it’s not getting better and it’s been about 10 weeks since the original injury. the marathon has been cancelled. ive pulled back on training but i think i probably need a proper rest... i’m scared that ill put on weight but ashamed that

2/2 this is my fear because i am the first to say it does not matter and weight fluctuates etc etc which i DO believe but i also have a history of anorexia and disordered eating and find change hard. also im scared of losing fitness and having to start again.. i don’t really know what my question is. tell me to take time off? going to try and get a go app & mri scan for see if there’s any visible damage to ankle/foot but don’t know that i’ll be able to with all the restrictions atm... sigh.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

okay hi I weirdly love that you sent me this message, don’t get me wrong that is a shitty spot to be in and I’m sending you a big hug, BUT I feel like I could have literally written this myself I resonate SO much so....hopefully because of that I can say something somewhat useful.

First of all. Take a break. I mean it. Just stop everything for like...a week to start (obviously longer is fine too, but a week might seem less terrifying at first). That doesn’t mean oh I’ll take a break from running but bike 20 miles a day...no! I am also someone who has an EXTREMELY hard time giving myself permission to rest (aside from my rest day) because I will internally debate until the end of time over whether or not it’s necessary etc. etc. and honestly I get a huge sense of relief when a medical professional tells me to take a break because I’m like oh okay cool this is literally their career they know what they are talking about and I’m listening to their advice. BUT especially if you are injured and you ARE injured from what I am hearing here even if you do not technically have the scans to prove it yet, you NEED to rest. If you keep going and pushing through the pain you are going to dig yourself deeper and deeper into the hole and it is going to take WAY longer to dig yourself out. Also, especially given your ED history, I would be extra precautious about handling injuries and ensuring proper recovery. Obviously I know literally nothing about your injury or your ED background, but I would not take a lack of bruising to mean that it’s nothing serious (I’m not trying to scare you here but I feel like sometimes we need to have someone just shove the truth in our face so here you go). If it is something like a stress fracture for instance (which again, I have NO idea the details of your issue so maybe it isn’t), then you might not *see* anything but your bones would LITERALLY BE BREAKING and the more you run on that the more you are breaking them down and the recovery could move from just needing a few weeks rest to needing surgery. Not to mention the long term damage you would be doing to your body. Something I had to really, really come to terms with after I got my stress fracture was realizing I had been underfueling for YEARS and even if I wasn’t actively trying to restrict myself, I had gotten used to not eating enough and that meant my bones were breaking down more and more every. single. day. and it is easiest to build bone density when you are young and gets progressively more difficult as you age so the choices you make today are going to affect you deeply in the future. It’s easy to see it as just one extra run or one skipped snack but the truth is that for those of us who buy into those things we never really stop at one, and all of those “just this one time”s add up. And it’s not good. This past summer I forced myself to take a week off of literally everything not because anything was physically wrong but because I realized I was exercising way too much and significantly undereating and I knew I was on the fast track to hurting myself and causing long term damage.

To your second point about fear of gaining weight- first of all I have so, so, so much respect for you for being able to admit that fear because realistically a lot of us have it, I certainly dealt with it when I was injured, and even if we rationally know that in the grand scheme of things it ~doesn’t matter~ the truth is that coming from an ED background the thought of weight gain is probably going to cause some anxiety! like you said I could talk all day about why gaining weight doesn’t matter and you are more than a number etc. etc. but you and I both already know that. Maybe this is a problematic approach that I’m about to share but honestly if someone had told me this when I first found out about my stress fracture it probably would have relieved anxiety and especially given these wild times I think relieving anxiety is prob a good thing- when I had my stress fracture I didn’t workout for four months. Literally NOTHING. no cross training. no swimming. no biking. no walks. I was on crutches. I literally had to be driven to class. My activity level was at a -12. I ate almost exactly the same as when I wasn’t injured (which, led me to learn I was DEFINITELY under eating), and I gained MAYBE like....5 pounds or less (or maybe none at all it honestly was probably 99% in my head). Literally not enough for anyone at ALL to notice except for me because my pants felt a tiny bit tighter. This honestly made me question a lot of things. For one, I knew I needed to really up my intake when I was allowed to be active again. Two, I started to reallllly question WHY I felt the need to do all this activity if being completely inactive didn’t lead to my body changing much. It made me realize how much I underlyingly relied on exercise to micromanage my body. It was a lot to think about.

ALSO. I didn’t get my period regularly for about 4 years and once that stress fracture hit I made it my MISSION to get it back (and I did!) because that is a huge red flag and I knew that if I wasn’t getting it, that once my bone healed even if I was cleared to run again I was just on track to get another injury because sure maybe THAT injury healed but my shitty bones were still shitty and that meant another injury was just as likely. I decided that gaining a little weight (whatever that meant) was critical because I would much rather be a few pounds heavier than constantly switching between running and injured. Also, more importantly, I want to be able to be active throughout my whole life and if your bones are shit at 21 (when I got my stress fracture) you are probably going to be really f**ked once you are actually the age that people’s bones start to deteriorate.

The most important thing I have learned is that everything you do in terms of over exercise/under eating has HUGE LONG TERM CONSEQUENCES and it is SO easy to ignore that when you are in the thick of it because often you don’t feel those consequences until years later but listen, you do not want to wait for things to get really bad before you decide to start trying to truly, properly recover.

It’s really easy to get caught in that inbetween place of not doing horribly but also definitely not feeling as free as you could when it comes to food/body stuff. Ask yourself WHY you are scared of gaining weight and like I said, operating under the assumption that we know weight gain is okay etc. etc., realistically your body is probably not going to go through some wild change if you just take a break. Think about it, most people barely exercise and they eat whatever and they are all FINE! It’s easy on the internet/social media to feel like everyone is out running 23498239432 miles and eating kale or whatever but most people really aren’t like that and they are getting along just fine.

Also, something that helped me was realizing that I really do not want to spend my whole life constantly terrified that if I eat too much or take a break or whatever my body is going to change etc. etc. and I realized that if i don’t want to spend my whole life worried about that then at SOME POINT I was going to have to just start living how I wanted to because 1. once you start living how you want to you realize the world does not in fact end and you can have your cake and eat it too (ha). and 2. you aren’t going to just suddenly wake up one day and not care about these things anymore, if you really want to be free from it you need to make a conscious effort to live the life you actually want, not the one that is stemmed in fear

In the past year I have grown SO much in terms of food/exercise. And my body has literally not changed. I was holding on so tightly to this perceived control that was entirely unnecessary. Your body is designed to want to stay generally the same (unless of course you are currently in an unhealthy spot) and when you just chill out for a sec you realize that your body is capable of doing naturally what you thought you had to be micromanaging and taking care of all along.

I will leave you with a quote that I heard one time somewhere (how’s that for a source) “You have a lot more to gain than you do to lose”

By letting your body heal

By not making decisions out of fear of gaining weight

By eating what you want

etc.

This was long af and I may have rambled but I hope it helps. Like I said, I’m not trying to scare anyone but also sometimes feeling a little bit of that “oh shit wtf am I doing” feeling is the kick in the butt you need. (but I know it is super duper hard and I am sending you all the love and support and also hoping your foot is something minor)

So yes, take a break, talk to your dr, be super honest with them. When I had my stress fracture my dr and pt were both like ok here’s the deal- rest and eat a lot of food. so I would advise that ;)

#answered

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nights-pdf · 4 years ago

Text

a/n: this is my first time writing something and feeling good enough to post it. id appreciate any and all constructive criticism. ik im not the best writer and i want to get better so pls share and help me out. ty. i hope you enjoy.

warnings: depression & anxiety are both mentioned. i dont think i went too far into detail but pls be aware for your mental health. also kinda angsty.

roses: a.i.

Ashton and I have never been one for secrets, or at least I didn’t think we were, but things have been different. He has been ignoring me for almost three weeks now, only talking to me when I show up at his house, demanding to at least see him. To see that physically he’s okay. Mike and Luke will only talk to me if I don’t bring him up. As soon as I mention Ashton they suddenly ‘have to go’ and hurry to hang up. Cal will continue to talk to me but he totally ignores whatever questions I ask about him.

I was on Instagram and I saw Ashton on Luke’s story, the first time I’ve seen him in a week and a half. That’s how I ended up on Luke’s porch, working up the courage to ring the damn bell. He hasn’t left you with any options. He’s ignoring you, your other friends aren’t hanging out with you, he brought this on himself.

I press the doorbell, listening to the soft chime echoing in the house and I hear fast approaching footsteps. “Coming!” A voice calls out and within seconds the door is pulled open and I catch Sierra’s bright smile.

“Dee, I- hi.” She says, her smile faulting and my heart breaks. I was hoping she wasn’t here. I was praying that she didn’t listen to me cry about my fear of losing Ashton and then play board games with him the next day. But she was.

“This was stupid.” I mumble quickly, fighting off the tears that are threatening to spill and Sierra reaches out for my hand.

“No, no, it’s not stupid.” She consoles and I shake my head, yanking my hand out of reach.

“I’ll leave you guys to yourselves. Just, um, just tell him that I’m sorry— for whatever I did.” I tell her with a tight smile.

“Si! What are you doing, it’s your turn?!” Ashton shouts from deeper in the house.

“Give me a minute!” She says quickly, stepping out onto the porch with me and closing the door. “I’m so sorry, I wish I could’ve explained it all to you, but it wasn’t my place. I tried literally parent trapping you and Ashton but he always canceled and I— it’s no excuse, but I’m sorry.” She says, her brown eyes softening and I shake my head.

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I just—“ I take a deep breath, calming my anxiety while I make an arguably regrettable decision that’ll change my life in mere seconds. “I’m not gonna be in LA much longer and I thought it was insensitive to just drop that in the group chat or something.” I tell her and her eyes widen.

“What? You’re— you’re leaving?” She asks and I nod. “What about the boys? The band— I mean you’ve been a crew member forever.” She adds and I shake my head.

“It’s hard working with a band that won’t talk to you, Si.” I tell her softly and the front door opens. Si and I both turn to see all four boys stuffed in the doorway.

“Dee.” Luke says, clearing his throat and elbowing Calum, who’s beside him, in the stomach.

“Hey, Dee.” Cal says and I smile softly.

“Hey, I was— I was just leaving.” I tell them, turning around and someone catches my wrist. I turn to face Sierra and she drops my hand.

“You tell them.” She says and I shake my head.

“Tell us what?” Michael ask and she quirks an eyebrow.

“I’m taking my friends offer to go on tour with her.” I tell them, turning to face the boys and my eyes catch Ashton’s. “She’s based in New York City, so I’m moving out there.” I add and Luke is the first to speak.

“You’re leaving? When?” He asks and I shrug.

“Probably by the end of the month.” I tell him and Ashton shakes his head.

“You’re just gonna leave? Forget the past what— six years?” He asks and I shake my head.

“You have no right to be mad at me. You haven’t spoken to me in almost three weeks. I only know you’re okay because I see you in their stories. You want to walk away? Fine, but don’t be mad because I’m walking away too.” I tell him, brushing away the tears and he shakes his head.

“You think I don’t miss you?” He asks softly and I shake my head.

“Then why did you leave?! You said you’d never leave! You’d never do what they did to me! You said you’d never hurt me and I fucking believed you!” I let the tears stream down my face, not caring about anything anymore.

“Please, I’m sorry.” He says, his eyes softening at the sight of my tears and he steps closer.

“No,” I step back, “No, you lost that. You lost the right to be mad at me, or to console me, you all have. You could’ve been fucking honest and you all chose to lie to me and ignore me.”

“Dee, come on, we’ve all made mistakes—”

“You don’t accidentally lie to your friend for weeks. You accidentally spill milk, or touch a hot pan, you don’t— you chose to lie to me, you chose to push me away. That’s not a mistake.” I cut Cal off and I shake my head.

“I’m gonna go. I’m sorry for ruining your game night.” I tell them, turning around and walking down the porch stairs, I walk over to my car, everything silent except for the heel of my boots hitting the cement. I reach my car, unlocking it and slipping it. My gaze travels to the porch, looking at the people I had grown to love like family and my eyes stop on Ashton. Luke’s arm is around his shoulder, clearly saying something to him and Ashton’s eyes meet mine. My heart breaks at his expression, the truth setting in that I had hurt him the same way he hurt me.

The thought makes my stomach turn but I don’t have the strength to step out of my car. Instead I open spotify and start playing anything to fill the void. I pull out of the driveway, turning up the volume and trying to silence the deafening thoughts running through my mind.

I’ve been packing for two weeks, and fielding calls from the boys and their management. Well all the boys except one. The one I really want to hear from. The one that would say “stay,” and I would drop everything for.

Maybe it’s good that I’m leaving. I mean, falling in love with your best friend is a bad idea already and although I wasn’t sure of it before I am now. I loved Ashton, in the most inconvenient way possible, so maybe this space will be good for me.

Or at least that’s what I try to convince myself when I feel empty. When the anxiety and depression wins and I wake up in the middle of the night on the floor— typically the bathroom floor— with an empty stomach and pounding headache.

Then I remember Ashton always being there. Picking me up, taking care of me, loving me in the way I never thought I deserved and the thoughts send me spiraling and walking up on the floor again.

I finish applying my lipstick, biting back the tears that I know will inevitably be shed by the end of the night, and step away from the mirror. I grab my clutch, checking for my phone, keys and wallet before strapping on my shoes and heading downstairs.

Everyone had insisted that we had one last night out, a final goodbye and send off before I leave tomorrow morning and I had agreed. I walk out to my car and quickly start the ride to the restaurant. I focus on the music, never giving myself enough time to get lost in my thoughts and I get to the restaurant faster than expected.

I step out of my car and spot Calum almost immediately. He’s turned around, preoccupied with something and I run up behind him, placing my hands over his eyes and he laughs softly.

“You’re a child.” He mumbles, spinning around to face me and I drop my arms.

“You love me.” I tell him with a smile and he opens his arms for a hug. I step into his embrace, squeezing him tightly and he does the same.

“You look beautiful.” He says, stepping back and I smile softly.

“Thank you.” I tuck my hair behind my ear, the curls already getting in my way and he smiles sadly. “You wanted to talk before dinner?” I prompt and he nods.

“Yeah, I have a gift for you and a few things to say.” He says with a smile. “First, I wanted to apologize. I never should’ve lied to you and I shouldn’t have let Ashton. I was so blinded by the thought of protecting my brother that I didn’t think to protect my best friend.” He says and I shake my head.

“It’s okay, I get it, and I don’t blame any of you guys. I seriously don’t.”

“With that being said, I also wanted to congratulate you. I wish you didn’t have to leave but I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and doing what felt right to you, no matter what. You deserve the world, Dee, but you have to take it.” He says with a soft smile and I wipe at the single tear that’s escaped.

“This is from us— all of us— to you. No matter what happens, what you do, we’ll always be cheering you on and we will always love you.” He says, pulling a velvet box out of his pocket and handing it to me. I carefully take it, giving him my clutch to hold and opening the box to see a delicate, silver necklace, a beautiful rose hanging off it and I smile warmly. It’s almost an exact replica of Ashton’s tattoo and I don’t know if they did it on purpose, but I want to believe they did.

I can see Ashton pointing out the necklace with a smile, fully knowing how similar it is to his tattoo and the rest of the group agreeing, simply because of my love of roses. I brush away the invisible tears at the thought, choosing that no matter what the story actually is, that’s what it’ll mean to me.

“Cal,” I whisper softly, looking up to meet his eyes and he smiles despite the tears filling his eyes.

“You like it?” He asks and I nod.

“I love it.”

“Here, let me put it on you.” He suggests and I nod. We trade off once again and I spin around, pulling my hair up with one hand and he slips it around my neck. “Done.” He whispers when he clasps it and I let my hair fall. I spin back around with a bright smile and he nods.

“Thank you.” I tell him, toying with the small rose and he nods.

“It was a group thing but everyone agreed that they’d cry like babies so it was decided that I’d give it to you.” He says with a smile and I giggle. “Ready to head in?” He asks, opening his hand for me to take and I nod slowly.

“I just— is he in there?” I ask him, unsure of what answer I’m hoping for and he slowly shakes his head.

“Luke, Mike and I all tried to get him to come but he wouldn’t.” He says and I nod slowly. I place my hand in his, giving him a tight squeeze before nodding again, this time with more confidence.

“Let’s go.” I tell him and he nods. We both walk into the restaurant, being led straight to our table after Calum gave the hostess his name.

“Dee! You look so good!” Sierra says as soon as she sees me and I embrace her in a tight hug.

“Thank you.” I whisper, holding her tight and she does the same. After we separate, I go around the table, hugging everyone and finally I sit down. There’s an empty seat at the end of the table— the seat that had been saved for Ashton— and the sight breaks my heart. Every time Michael or Crystal address me I have to fight my hardest to not look at the seat and break out into tears.

Despite the nagging reminder that Ashton isn’t there, dinner is amazing and after bidding my goodbyes, I step outside and feel a few drops of rain. I step back, underneath the overhang provided by the restaurant and Calum appears next to me. With almost impeccable timing a crack of thunder is heard and it starts pouring.

“How many times is this gonna happen to us?” Calum asks, shrugging off his jacket and lifting it over our heads.

“I’m starting to think this is just gonna be Our Thing™.” I joke and he laughs loudly.

“Ready?” He asks and I shake my head.

“Let me take off my heels.” I tell him and he nods. He offers his arm as stability and I start working my heels off.

“Good idea.” He mumbles. I eventually get both heels off and with my clutch and heels in hand and Calum’s jacket over us we run off into the rain. “Are you gonna get home safe?” Calum asks as we reach my car.

“I’ll be okay.” I tell him and he nods.

“Text me.” He mumbles quickly as I open my door. He presses a quick kiss to my cheek before running off and I get into my car. I start the ride to my house, driving slower this time because of the rain and finally, in the peace of my own car, I let go and feel the tears falling.

I couldn’t tell you if I’m crying because I’m leaving or Ashton not showing up. Or maybe it’s because the talk Calum and I had before dinner. Or the fact that I always run when things get difficult. I don’t know what it is, but once the tears start they don’t stop and when I stop in front of my house I don’t bother pulling into the driveway. Instead I keep driving, finding myself heading towards the hills and I calm down at the prospect of fixing everything.

I just have to be honest. Honest about everything and maybe, even if things aren’t the same, they’ll be better. I just have to tell him the truth. I just have to tell him that I love him.

I run out of my car as soon as it’s in park, sprinting up the unnecessary long path to his front door and I ring the doorbell, feeling a surge of confidence, anxiety and impatience all at once. I fold my arms over my chest, trying my best to warm up but it’s nearly impossible when my dress and hair are absolutely soaked. I try the doorbell again, the confidence waning and anxiety and impatience doubling.

“C’mon, Irwin. Please.” I mumble under my breath, reaching into my clutch to grab my phone and I quickly dial his number. Unshockingly it goes right to voicemail and I groan loudly. “Irwin, stop being a dick, it’s pouring and I’m freezing.” I mumble, stuffing my phone back in my clutch and ringing the doorbell again. And again, and again, until he finally pulls the door open.

“I told you I’m not fuckin—” The words die on his tongue when his eyes land on mine.

“Dee? What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be at dinner?” He asks, snapping out of his thoughts and I take in the details of his face. The bags under his eyes are more prominent then they’ve probably ever been and my heart breaks at the thought. His eyes look a bit darker, like they always did when he was upset and I shake my head, pulling myself out of those thoughts.

“I, um, I needed to talk to you.” I tell him and he quirks an eyebrow.

“You didn’t get it all out before?” He bites and I shake my head.

“I’m here to apologize, okay? I’m sorry for whatever I did, I’m sorry for whatever made you hate me and if I could I would go back and fix it all but I can’t. All I can do is apologize and pray to whoever will listen that you won’t hate me for the rest of your life.

“I’m sorry if I pushed you too hard or asked for too much from you. I’m sorry that I was selfish because I was. I took and took and took from you because it was easy, because you made me feel loved and I never felt that before. I’m sorry if I loved too hard or I made things difficult. I’m sorry for every possible thing I did that would have pushed you away.

“But I’m not sorry for loving you. I’m not sorry for giving you everything I could. I wish things could’ve ended differently but I’m not sorry for falling in love with you. I won’t ever apologize for that, Ashton, because I did, I loved you in the most unconventional way possible and I loved every second of it too.” I tell him, not caring about the tears that escaped and I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders.

“That’s all I had to say: I’m sorry, and I love you.” I tell him finally happy after weeks of feeling miserable. Happy because I spoke my truth and no matter what happens next, I know I tried and that’ll have to be enough. I spin on the heels of my feet, walking away from his door and almost halfway to my car I feel a tug on my hand. Ashton spins me around, his hands coming up to my cheeks and his lips are on mine.

Once the shock wears off, my hands cup his cheeks, pulling him impossibly closer as I kiss him back. His tongue runs over my sealed lips and I don’t hesitate to let him in. My hands slip into his hair, tangling into the rain-soaked knots and he slowly pulls away. “Come inside,” He breathes into the air between us and I nod.

“Okay.” I whisper and he smiles softly.

“I love you too, darling. I always have.” He whispers and I press my lips to his once more.

#ashton irwin oneshot #ashton irwin writing #ashton oneshot #ashton 5sos oneshot #ashton irwin 5sos

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flowerx-lovex · 5 years ago

Text

adore 🌟🍃 -Billie Eilish fic-

This was requested by @bratyee and it was such a good ass request ✨ i blow ass bc im so mfing slow I’m sorry 🥺🥺 btw lets say your ass is on stranger things and your best friend is Clairo bc i love her ass💀 basic I know but ily

New text from:

Claire🦋

Claire🦋: oh my god y/n have you fucking seen the interview where billie says your her celeb crush??? omfgggggg

Me: dude what??

Claire🦋: here I’ll send you the link you’re gonna flip tf out (link)

I open the link which takes me to a video of billie and an interviewer from teen vogue

It starts out with her answering questions about her music and what she plans on doing in the future and then it gets to more personal questions

“So we really want to know... who is your celebrity crush?” The interviewer asks her, Billie starts to blush and smirks a little

“Um y/n y/l/n no cap I’m serious I’ve had a crush on her ass since the very beginning of stranger things ugh she could GEETTT ITTTT” she starts laughing

“Oh my god” I say out loud, is she actually serious?

For a couple of months now, ever since ST3 came out, she’s been subtweeting/not so subtweeting about her crush on me which I’ve completely returned the favor too, I mean she’s billie fucking eilish and she’s hot as fuck of course I’m going to flirt back with her even if it’s on public social media

We haven’t talked or anything, I’ve wanted to reach out and say something but my shy ass could never

Some fans have caught on, but some haven’t, and of course the ones who haven’t certainly know now

I immediately close the video and go onto twitter to see if there is any commentary about the interview.. and of course... there is

‘Billie x y/n’ is trending on twitter, shit

I bite my lip and decide to message Claire back

Me: is this shit for real?

Claire🦋: i know it’s crazy asf you two HAVE to meet

Me: are you shitting me? how??

Claire🦋: message her on insta?? duh??

Me: oh shit lmao you right

I quickly go to Instagram but then stop myself, wait what the fuck do I even say? I don’t want to sound weird. What if I say something creepy and then she thinks I’m-

*ding*

Oh shit

billieeilish: hi... so you have probably seen the interview and we are trending rn im sorry if that shit made you uncomfortable

Me: omfg no actually I’m not uncomfortable at all, I’m flattered babe really

billieeilish: are you sure?

Me: very! tbh I’ve had a crush on you since your first album came out 🥺

billieeilish: deadass? you should have said something dude!

Me: ME? omfg im shy asfff and I saw you posting shit about me why didn’t YOU say something?

billieeilish: ...lmao i was scared you’re pretty as fuck

Me: we should like go on a date or some cute shit like that... jk unlessssss

billieeilish: oh my fuck yesssss we definitely should go on a date what are you doing tomorrow??

Me: literally nothing omfg am I actually going to see your ass tomorrow?

billieeilish: do you like coffee shops? let’s go to civil coffee their shit is soooo good and no one ever goes there

Me: adore them

billieeilish: then yeah tf you are seeing my ass tomorrow im about to fall the fuck over i can’t believe I’m going to meet you

Me: aww omfg same 🥰🥰🥰 give me a time and I’ll be there babe

billieeilish: is 10am okay?

Me: it’s perfect I’ll see you there yeah?

billieeilish: of course 🖤

Holy shit this is actually happening, I’m actually going to see her

I text Claire screenshots of the chat and she is legit flipping her shit but then again so am I.

This will be very interesting

*next day*

I drive to the little coffee shop in the lowkey part of town and park in a little parking spot in front of the shop there is hardly anybody here except like 2 old peop- oh my fuck I see her, she’s in the back and she’s sitting alone, aww she looks nervous ugh and I’m already shaking, why am I shaking? She’s a human just like I am... a really cute human, who I happen to have a massive crush on shit okay just chill the fuck out, take a deep breath... let’s go

I get out of my car and take another very shaky breath

I open the shop door and hear a little ding as it opens basically telling everyone I’m here.

Billie looks up when she hears the ding, our eyes meet and she smiles really big, I smile back and wave

I quickly walk over to the table and sit across from her

She’s even prettier in person, her eyes are the most gorgeous shade of blue and she has such a calm yet bold presence, it’s hard to explain but I’m already catching major feels and we haven’t even spoken yet

“Hi i was wondering if i could get your autograph I’m a huge fan” I say jokingly, my cheeks hurt so bad from trying not to smile too hard

She bites her lip, I can see she’s also trying not to smile like a crazy person either

“I can’t believe I’m actually in front of you right now I mean shit oh my god you’re real.” She said laughing, I can see her checking me out, in a flattering way and in an analyzing way

“I hope I didn’t disappoint.” I say and wink, she shakes her head and smirks

“You’re pretty as fuck like my heart hurts oh my god I know that sounds fucking corny.” She says, she smiles and rolls her eyes

“Shush stop you’re gonna make me blush and then I’m going to get really red and ew.” I say with a smile and look away from her for a moment

We talk about a bunch of different things, her music, what she did when she was little, what I did when I was little, why I got into acting, what I think about social media, what she likes and dislikes and a bunch of other random topics. It doesn’t hit me that we’ve been talking for legit hours until I hear a phone.

It’s her phone that starts to ring, she looks at the the screen and then to me

“Oh shit it’s finneas um can you give me a second babe?” She asks me, my heart does a little jump at the nickname

“Of course.” I say with a nod and smile, she smiles back then gets up to go to the bathroom.

I wait there for a couple minutes before she comes back, she doesn’t sit down tho

“I’m so sorry but I have to go, finneas just told me that I have some dumb ass interview tomorrow and I totally forgot about it.” She tells me, my smile drops

I get up from the chair I was in so we are now a little bit closer and face to face

“Okay um do you maybe want to get together again someti-“ she cuts me off before I can finish my sentence

“Uh Fuck yessss” she says, I laugh and nod

“Okay just text me yeah.” I tell her, she nods and bites her lip

I’ve been staring at her lips the entire time we’ve been here, am I honestly THAT whipped already? It’s only been 3 hours

She notices me staring and smirks a bit

“Follow me.” She says, she grabs my hand and our fingers interlock, I follow her as we go out the back door of the coffee shop and we stop at her car

“Get in babe.” She says, I smile and feel my heart start to beat a little faster

I get inside the car and start to laugh a little “What about finneas and your interview?” I ask her still giggling

She also starts to laugh and rolls her eyes

“He’ll have to come find my ass I guess and honestly fuck that interview they just ask you the same shit over and over.” She jokes

After we both got done laughing and calmed down we then sat in a comfortable silence

I can feel the tension growing a little

I look over a little to see her hand resting on her thigh, the rings on her fingers look so good... she looks so good, I bite my lip and start feeling bold

“I honestly really like you.” I say with a slight laugh, the laugh gets cut short because I can feel her hand gently turn my face to hers, our eyes meeting, and I can feel the coldness of her rings, oh shit I’m catching fucking feelings, she rubs my cheek with her thumb and smiles

“Kiss me.. I dare you.” She teases, she licks her lips and pulls her bottom lip between her teeth

My heart is beating fast and I smirk

“And if I don’t?” I ask, she leans in to me, our lips only centimeters apart

“Pussy.” She whispers jokingly, she presses her lips to mine and starts to kiss me softly

She’s so warm and soft, my heart melts and I’m on cloud 9, I’m way too soft for her

She pulls away, both of us a little breathless

She starts to smile which causes me to also smirk a bit

“Wow I guess I really can get it huh.” I say my breath still shaking a bit

“Oh my fucking god shut up, put your seatbelt on we are going on a fucking adventure.” She starts to laugh, she sits back in her seat and turns on the car.

My cheeks are burning and I can’t stop from smiling. She gets on the road and puts on music, she turns it up as loud as she can.

I get my phone from my back pocket and video her and I singing and acting like dumb asses and post it on my insta story and tagging her.... billie x y/n is going to be trending for awhile.

im sorry if this was bad 🥴 ew and I’m so slow lmao okay anyways 💞✨✨💞💞 😌oof and she’s(the story) also long tho

#billie eilish fics #billie #eilish #billie eilish #fic #cute #writing #imagine #im slow

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seraphicwiing · 5 years ago

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Video Analysis #5- CRISIS CORE (The Truth/’You Will Rot’)

Alright folks, the wait is over. As promised, I finally have written up my analysis of this very pivotal point in Sephiroth’s tragic timeline. After all of the posts I have made leading up to this, we have learnt of his compassion, his friendship, his loyalty and his martial prowess. Tonight, we’re going to delve into the start of his madness. Buckle your seatbelts peeps and grab some popcorn, this is gonna be a long one. The clip is 3 minutes long, hopefully the analysis I write doesn’t ramble on for too long. Sit back, relax and enjoy the read! (Also testing out a new format for these types of posts with more structured topics and headings <3)

Context

Before we talk about the scene linked below, we must first talk about the events leading up to Genesis’ being an utter douchebag to his little brother and pulling him further into the madness that would lead to his downfall. Sephiroth and Zack arrive at the Nibelheim reactor and quickly discover that not all is as it seems. The pods containing experiments from past JENOVA projects are revealed to the two SOLDIERS and it begins to make Sephiroth question his entire existence. He had been deprived of the truth his whole life, and even now at the cusp of it all his mind is breaking because he can’t tell what is right and what is wrong anymore. Even with Zack trying to help him, the information thrusted at him is all too much for him to bare.

ShinRa had no idea how fragile Sephiroth’s mental state actually was, nor did they consider the fact that maybe sending Sephiroth to Nibelheim may not be such a good idea considering what was hidden there. But that’s a story for another time, let’s get this started!

‘Am I... A human being?’

Here we begin to see the slow breaking of the once proud hero. The way he says those words, the tone of which he conveys his shock and utter sadness at the fact that the life given to him is most likely nothing more than a fruitless lie. This is such a stark contrast to the Sephiroth we all knew and loved when speaking to his friends in past analysis videos. It hurts a lot more for me since I absolutely adore this character and just hearing him slowly lose his mind really hits me in the gut. After this we see Genesis confirm albeit in the most cruel, heartless and condescending way possible that Sephiroth was an experiment and while Sephiroth really didn’t need to believe a word Genesis said, his psyche had already been broken. All this information being thrown at him is such a huge tidal wave of emotion, it’s no wonder Sephiroth felt overwhelmed.

(“No such luck. You are a monster.” Okay small tangent for a second: Genesis in this scene is doing himself no favours at all. He wants Sephiroth’s help so that he can live right? Why tell him that he’s a monster and droll on and on about how his life was a lie and that his mother wasn’t actually a real human being but an otherworldly cosmic entity AKA a Monster? AND THEN PROCEED TO ASK HIM FOR HELP THINKING THAT HE’LL JUST WILLINGLY ACCEPT? As I told a good friend of mine: Genesis is such an idiot. I AM SORRY GENESIS RPERS OKAY, I LOVE HIS CHARACTER BUT THE WAY HE ACTS IN THIS SCENE IS SO FUCKING DUMB)

Genesis calls Sephiroth the ‘Greatest Monster Created by the Jenova Project’. And this is 100% truth, we’ve all seen just how strong he is, how special Sephiroth is. This is Genesis trying to turn him onto his side by appealing to the monster and detaching him from his human self. But this was a completely wrong way to do it, especially with a fragile mind like Sephiroth’s. He wanted to be human but he knew he somehow wasn’t in a way, he was always detached. And while he always opened up to people in a manner of which was incredibly kind hearted, he always felt like his brith wasn’t normal. Now finding out the truth, he DOES NOT want to be a monster, he DOES NOT want to be considered compartively to the beasts that were in the pods and with Genesis’ continual insistence that Sephiroth is nothing more than a monster, the small rope that was keeping his mind in check was slowly breaking under the large weight of the truth.

‘Poor little Sephiroth. You’ve never actually met your mother.”

Here is where things get super bad for our soon to be psychopath. Genesis throws out all of his cards onto the field, revealing the truth about Sephiroth’s existence and also revealing the truth about his mother: JENOVA. Genesis was right, Sephiroth had no idea who his mother was other than the supposed truths that ShinRa told him. I like to believe that when Sephiroth was growing up, they gave him a forged picture of what his mother looked like AKA JENOVA and from that day onwards, Sephiroth has always conjured that image in his head, that same picture is on his desk back at Shinra HQ and he cherishes it. It makes it hurt so much more watching the scene with this in mind as Genesis further digs into Sephiroth’s heart by mentioning that she was nothing more than a monster and whatever he clung onto was a giant fat lie.

Notice how Sephiroth turns away from Genesis, the natural smile is gone. His stance, his posture has gone. He’s almost lurching forward, his confident strides naught but small steps forward. His eyes are wide and close at times, he is trying so hard to process everything but it’s all coming too fast for him to handle This form of coercion employed by Genesis may have worked on Angeal but Sephiroth? Hell no. It’s also quite amusing that Genesis knocks Sephiroth out of his confused state by calling him by his full title. SOLDIER: 1ST CLASS, SEPHIROTH. He says it similarly to how a general would do a roll call of his cadets before training, and this is literally conveying Genesis’ belief that he is in full control of Sephiroth, he holds the cards, he holds the power over his little brother this time. He believes that Sephiroth will give him what he wants. Little did he know how wrong he would be however.

‘What do you want of me?’

Genesis’ motivations are finally made clear and we learn what makes Sephiroth so special when it comes to the JENOVA Project. We finally learn of the project where Angeal and Genesis originated from as well as the the one where Sephiroth was from. I’ll let Genesis say why in the video becaue he’ll explain it better than I can, I’ll end up butchering it if I tried. Basically what he wants is Sephiroth to share his cells so that he can stop his degradation. He’s slowly dying a painful death and Sephiroth can stop that because his cells have been perfected. Sephiroth has remained quiet this entire time, pondering the truth while Genesis flaps his gums about being saved, he has already made the decision in his head of what he wants to do.

‘The Truth I have sought all my life. You will R O T.’

And here we finally reach the end. Sephiroth with no remorde left in his heart, his mind deadset on now learning the truth of his birth, denies and what I believe he also does is disown Genesis as a friend and brother. All the memories they shared, all the times they recited and enacted ‘Loveless’ together with Angeal, all of that is now dust in the wind. His expression, the deadpan stare that he gives Genesis is a lot more similar to the evil Sephiroth scowl we all know and love. The way in which he speaks, gone is the relatively light hearted, dry humoured tone of the hero that everyone looked up too when trying to become a soldier. No, he speaks with rage and grief in his tongue. He is legitimately torn asunder after the revalation. Whether it be lie or truth that came from Genesis, he’s done with his brother. Their friendhip is over. And at last, he delivers probably the most scathing, delicious and satisfying burns in Final Fantasy. Not only does he reject Genesis, he literally tells him to ROT. To DECAY! He tells Genesis in the most fitting way to just ‘GO DIE’. ‘THEN PERISH’. It’s one of my favourite insults in Final Fantasy ever. It’s nice to see the sarcastic wit hadn’t died with Sephiroth’s kind hearted nature.

The scene ends with Sephiroth heading to ShinRa Manor to find further information of his existence while Genesis is left at the reactor. The closing words being: ‘ I see, perfect monter indeed...’. Genesis was actually surprised when Sephiroth denied him, it was quite a priceless reaction if I do say so myself.

I guess this is a fitting way to conclude with a very salty Genesis and a very angy Sephiroth. I want to thank you all for sticking with it this far I know this was a lot longer than normal but there was so much information to digest. I hope I didn’t waffle or state anything that was super obvious from the clip. This’ll probably be the last one for a while as this definitely took a lot of steam out of me. But yes, I’m glad so many of you enjoy this, if you have any scene requests that you'd want to see me have a shot at IM me <3

#;— WITHIN THE LIFESTREAM (ooc)#;— LEO'S VIDEO ANALYSIS

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unordinary-analysis · 5 years ago

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EPISODE 157

I know I said I would be right back, but I literally forgot about this the second I typed that and then i literally got so exhausted I couldn’t concentrate on anything so sorry for literally wasting a bunch of time, but here it is lol

This isn’t proofread either bc its three in the morning and im pretty tired of reading words

Honorable mentions:

I really want to see Remi with her hair down. Like, without the bow, strands of hair in her face kind of down…

Every once in a while I have to say this somewhere: I need Claire to be returned to UnOrdinary, thank you, it’s been a while since I said that, i had to again

Not really gonna metion John worrying about Seraphina because that’s to be expected plus he doesn’t really know anything about why she was acting weird to it doesn’t matter

I think I’m going to go through all four of the characters in this chapter and talk about each of their stances because that’s the only thing i can think to do

Arlo:

God, it seems like I say this anytime the other royals questions his decisions. Arlo is the best leader that I’ve seen in UnOrdinary. His ability to see the bigger picture most of the time paired with his ability to command others and have them listen: he’s unique in this sense from all of the others characters in UnOrdinary.

And that’s why it infuriates me so much when the others question him, god. I’ve said this shit too many times, that I don’t want to repeat myself, but if you search up #episode 152, and maybe one other that I can’t seem to find, on my page, I rant about this there. Arlo is just the best leader ever and I want everyone to know that.

Anyway, so Arlo comes in all sulky and stuff. Sulky is far from the right word, but I can’t think at the moment i guess so yeah. Anyway, this is understandable. All Arlo’s been saying for forever is that everyone just needs to leave John alone. At one point in time, he was the only person who really knew about John that was of consequence (Meili and Ventus don’t really count. I wonder where they are right now lmao). He knew from, when was that, around episode 80? Anyway, ever since the other royals have become involved with Tuesday, Arlo always warns them against it. You would think that one of them would have listened to him, but I don’t think anyone did. Not even when they knew that Arlo had already fought him, that he knew so much about him. Still, nobody heeded Arlo’s advice, which he was only giving because he didn’t want to see any of them hurt. But the royals, especially Remi, ignored all of his warnings and now they’re in the hospital, so, yeah, it’s understandable that Arlo is kind of grouchy when he comes in. He doesn’t lash out though, because he’s a great leader and knows that will accomplish nothing except for lowering morale (i will NOT stop saying this lol).

Everything I said here is basically pointed out by Remi. Which is great. I appreciate that she doesn't look past her mistakes in an attempt to hide from her emotions like she did when she was fighting EMBER. Remi tends to ignore her own emotions by acting and while I get it, at the same time, it’s wildly irresponsible.

Anyway, back to Arlo because this is his section: his advice for what to do about John is that should just let him be, which the advice he gives every time that Remi has asked that smh, but at least she doesn’t really argue with this. She does try to shut that idea down though… but ill talk about that in Remi’s section. There’s too much of her in this one. I don’t like it. Anyway, back to what Arlo was thinking. Arlo, as always, has the right idea. He knows that there is literally no other choice other than to sit back and watch things happen because a. John is the rightful king and can do whatever he wants and it is not against the rules because b. John publicity defeated every single royal in combat. Some at the same time. It really isn’t an option for the former royals to try to fight back against him again because for gods sake, have of them are in the hospital…

Anyway, there’s not actually that much for me to say about Arlo in this one other than the fact that his leadership goes under appreciated and they always regret not listening to him.

Blyke:

Blyke is in sad boi hours right now. He hasn’t spoken a lot when Arlo and Isen arrive, but he’s probably lost in thought. Not good thoughts, bad thoughts. Blyke… he has really just lived out one of his worst nightmares, he’s given in to one of his biggest insecurities. Blyke failed by a.) not recognizing John as Tuesday even though they share the same down and b.) losing so horrifically to Tuesday. We all know Blyke is worried if he’ll be a good enough king when the time comes and Arlo has to leave. This incident didn’t help that worry. Blyke even talks about it out loud. I’m actually really worried for Blyke. He’s been hit really hard recently and it’s like he’s falling down this pit of self-hate and anxiety. My man was even bringing up like EMBER, talking about how he ‘failed’ then too, even though he clearly was the hero in that situation. He says, “So much has happened… with all that EMBER stuff… and now John becoming Joker… We couldn’t handle any of it,” which is what I just explained, but then he continues and goes, “I was already having doubts about my capabilities… But this last fight really opened my eyes. I’m weak.” This is Blyke’s really insecurity. The root of all of his other anxiety is the feeling that he isn’t good enough, that he’s going to let everyone down.

Also, Blyke doesn’t have anywhere to really go because, yeah, he shares a dorm with John, but that’s not that big of a deal right now because he’s in the hospital and he’s got Isen to go to like he has before. Still pretty sad though. The constant reminder of his ‘failure.’ Tuesday was his roommate that he treated like trash this whole time and now anytime Blyke thinks of his home, he’ll remember that. :(. I’m sad. I really like Blyke actually.

Remi:

Okay so I’ve already talked about Remi a bit in Arlo’s section. I’ll try to elaborate on some of that (barely) because this is the proper section.

First of all, Remi apologizing. I was happy about this because, it’s been too many times that Remi or some other royal doesn’t listen to Arlo. It’ about time someone apologized. I’m mostly happy, however, because Remi is finally acknowledging that she knows how naive she generally is, which always used to get on my nerves. I’ve called her a bad queen for this, and I stand by that still, but now it’s nice to see Remi herself recognizing that, even if it’s a bit of a sad thing to see.

But then literally the next thing that comes out of her mouth is that they have to go and stop John and I literally facepalm, I’m so sorry I’m probably being really biased here by my opinions on Remi, but really. Not much more to say on this other than I agree with Arlo.

I do have something else to comments on briefly, though

After Blyke spills his problems, his worries, after he says that he is too weak to even take care of himself, Remi says nothing. She just… sits there. This is probably one of the only instances in this chapter of Remi’s growth, but maybe I’m being a bit too harsh on her, but seriously…? I was expecting her to step in soon after Blyke started talking. I was definitely expecting to see her talk after Blyke says, “-this last fight really opened up my eyes. I’m weak.” Remi has always been close to Blyke. She’s also always been so positive and reassuring to others. I’m not sure if the absence of this in this scene is distance from Blyke (lost in her own thoughts), or agreement with what he’s saying about them. I don’t know. I just,,, thought this was something I should point out. She really left Blyke like that. But honestly, with how she was acting before, though, I think she’s feeling really similar to Blyke, herself. Both of them have been pretty self-deprecating this episode.

Isen:

After saying hi, Isen literally says one thing the whole episode and it’s that Blyke can stay with him, so there’s not really anything there oof. Would’ve been pretty cool to see him interact with Remi more, but I always appreciate Isen whenever, so it’s no big deal.

———————————————————-

Gavin and Tuesday: (two completely different ideas here. First one is right below this and second one is further below)

Now we’re moving to that scene of Tuesday and Gavin and like..??? What the fuck was that

Is John just going to go after anyone who’s ever hurt him before now? I’m not going to lie, it doesn’t make sense. John literally spent such a long time without using his powers and never really came close to using them until Arlo interfered. If he is truly going after the people that hurt him in the past, that’s a very impulsive thing to do, and John’s control over his own power and the restraint he possesses makes me believe that he isn’t an impulsive person. Maybe at New Bostin, but he’s changed since then. I know know he’s being forced into a similar position to that he held at New Bostin, but after all this time, and the horrendous experience that John’s already lived through concerning his old school, I still believe that John would try to avoid the same thing happening here at all costs. Even when he snapped and went after all of the royals, he only did it to take down the hierarchy, which gave power to the powerful and took from the already weak. It just doesn’t make sense that John’s going after Gavin now, someone that’s only real connection that I believe we know of to John is that they fought in like episode two or something. Gavin is barely a mid-tier. If John really was trying to stay away from being the monster he used to be, I don’t think he would purposely hunt this one kid thats much weaker than him and literally barely interacted with him. It’s clear that John would win that fight, so what’s the point.

And obvious argument is that maybe, John is slowly turning back into the person he was at New Bostin. Maybe even after all of those readjustment classes and reflecting and repressing of his powers, John still can’t run from who he is, what he is. Maybe the monster that surfaced at New Bostin, maybe he can’t escape that.

And as much as I love that, which I admit, I would (do you know how interesting that would be?), I’m not sure if the evidence supports that..? I don’t know, it might, but the fact that all of (all of them right?) the times John has fought someone has either been as revenge for hurting Seraphina or because he was trying to take down the hierarchy, which I’ve already said doesn’t support John returning to the person he was. For all of his attacks, John has had something for each: a motive. This isn’t that special, though because John had motives even back when he was at New Bostin because literally that was the entire plot of that history lol. I don’t know. So basically, this fight with Gavin is very reminiscent of whenever Tuesday would fight those people that hurt Seraphina.The royals were the result of a feeling of injustice, but everything else stemmed from the motive of revenge. John has always used his revenge as an acceptable motive when deciding whether or not to act on something. Whether he realizes it or not, it’s the real connection between him and the old John. Their need for revenge ruined everything for them. John couldn’t handle when Claire betrayed him so he beat her up as a consequence. Hunting down Sera’s assaulters and absolutely demolishing her kidnappers show this too. And so does this scene. John is hunting down Gavin over revenge, and as long as John fuels his need for revenge, he’ll never be able to truly escape his past. So maybe the evidence does support John slowly regressing back into the person he was, despite his wishes. He’s changed so much since Now Bostin, but sadly, he hasn’t been able to shake his tendency to hold grudges until he literally cannot contain them any longer and he lashes out.

It was kind of weird how hesitant John acted at the end of this encounter, though, because he just let Gavin go, but I’ve decided to ignore this because the fact that the character this happens with is Gavin, I refuse to believe that this whole thing is insignificant (wrong word but words are hard.)

Second idea:

Okay so apparently the person appeared as Tuesday at the like middle of this episode, apparently there’s a chance that it wasn’t actually John. This has been brought to my attention in the comments of this post so this little bit has been added a day after I initially posted this.

The argument is that because the person presented as Tuesday in this week’s episode has yellower eyes than John does, it could be some person only pretending to be Tuesday, which is obviously a possibility because Tuesday has already been established as the most powerful student at Wellston, but nobody know who he is. So any random mid-tier or something could just put a mask on and use a bit of their powers to scare anyone off (anyone would be too scared to fight Tuesday) and they’ll basically control the school cus people would take the imposter for the king. Anyway, before I get more into this, here are the pictures comparing John’s Tuesday and this episode’s Tuesday:

It’s pretty clear that the eyes of these two characters are a different color, but not too different that it’s that noticeable, which is why I didn’t notice this at first until it was pointed put to me. I wonder if this was even intentional... I feel like, if uru-Chan even ever meant for people to notice that Tuesday looks different, she would’ve used a much more different color. Or maybe one of the people that help her with coloring forgot what color eyes Joker had because John when his powers aren’t being used: they’re yellow. So, I’m not even completely sure that this Tuesday in this episode isnt John.

But at the same time... there’s some things I can’t help considering that make me think it’s more and more likely that this is someone different. First of all, this is honestly something really big to miss. Uru-Chan is a professional... it’s hard to believe she could’ve let this slide when her work has always been so meticulous. Also: with the way things went down this episode... it was kind of suspicious. I already talked about it a bunch above in the first part of this section that I posted first. But I didn’t really touch on why Tuesday just let Gavin walk because... well, I’ll be honest, I didn’t really know what to make of it. I even said that I’d elected to ignore it because it confused me... But if the Tuesday from this episode really isn’t John, then it all makes sense again. Like I said earlier in this half of the section, someone impersonating Joker wouldn’t really have to fight anyone to benefit from his power because everyone knows that Joker could kick their ass anyway, so it’s pointless to pick a fight. If this episode’s joker had decided to pursue Gavin, it could’ve lead them to a fight they would’ve been unprepared for.

Obviously, there’s more to talk about for this theory, like what this could possibly mean for John, for Wellston, or who it could possibly be, but because I’ve already posted this as a separarte episode analysis, I would rather save that for either a separate post this week, or as part of the next episode’s analysis. Thanks for reading and sticking with me and thanks @sunshines-and-tatertots alerting me to this lol.

Cecile and John:

So, Cecile’s understandably pissed at John because he isn’t claiming his power and that’s literally the only reason she’s siding with him. Because she wants him to be the king. I makes sense that she’s upset that he’s literally doing nothing instead of becoming king which would be the natural thing to do.

John’s response is literally that she needs to calm down, and while I get that he doesn’t feel the need to shove himself into the spotlight especially considering how he wants to keep his secret from Sera, that’s just going to piss off Cecile more. Or at least is would if she wasn’t so terrified of John, which she obviously is. I think John is more than Cecile can handle, and she wasn’t excepting that. Hell, it probably takes a lot to get to that level...

This has me thinking though… what could this kind of turmoil cause…? I’m hoping that maybe (pretty pretty please), Cecile will try to leave John’s side and join Arlo and the other royals the money i would pay to see that ugh… that potential…

#episode 157 #webtoon #unordinary #unordinary webtoon #uruchan #uru-chan #line webtoon #webcomic #episode analysis #official

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letstalksymphogear · 6 years ago

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Symphogear, Ep. 6 (Cont.)

Hibiki, having seen a horror upon horrors, immediately asks Tsubasa if she’s okay. Tsubasa points out she’s a hospital patient, why would you ask this question, you insensitive prick. Hibiki points to the following scene:

Now, you may be asking yourself. “How does a formerly comatose person who is now bedridden on an IV drip manage to do this much damage?” Simply put, Tsubasa has a very chaotic aura. She doesn’t even have to take stuff out of her room; the places she goes to just naturally wind up like this. It’s a metaphor for how much of an absolute mess this person is simply by existing.

“l-look i just- its hard to organize things and- im more of a visual person and-”

“BITCH YOU LIVE LIKE THIS?”

Hibiki unwittingly gets her revenge on Tsubasa. She doesn’t realize it, but her lecturing Tsubasa on what an absolute mess every facet of her life is could possibly be heralded as her lowest point in the entire series.

No, wait. Thinking about it now, this is her second lowest. We won’t see her lowest until GX comes along.

“hibiki, every single bone in my body is broken, you dont have to break my pride too”

Hibiki, being an absolute darling, actually picks up Tsubasa’s mess. This is more than she can say about her own messes.

“haha, miku usually does this for me! wait- wait a minute.”

“i dont get it. i tried to kill you. i tormented and ignored you. i refused to help you for months. i failed to train you on any facet of combat as your senior. i nearly let you get kidnapped and, failing that, nearly killed myself while making you watch, which ALSO didnt help you not get kidnapped aside from scaring the shit out of that weird lady. why are you... helping me?”

“because either we’re going to be very good friends or im going to toss you out the window personally!”

“oh god, that aggression screams kanade. i cant not like her.”

Absolutely annihilated. Just kick her while she’s down in her Taco Bell spiral of humiliation and self-discovery, Hibiki.

“it’s okay, tsubasa! you may be a terminal dumbass, but im sure if we all work together, we can share our braincells and become collectively smarter, for each other!”

“interesting theory. how many ya got?”

“ZERO!”

They trade the kind of banter two people with 0 brain cells would have and then Tsubasa points out Hibiki is doing a great job in her place.

“hey hey HEY HOLD THE PHONE IVE LEARNED MY LESSON IM NOT TRYING TO REPLACE YOU OKAY IM NOT YOU, IM JUST HIBIKI, DOING HER JOB, ALRIGHT”

Meanwhile, in the library, Miku is looking at books, as she does what she says she’s gonna do, unlike a certain other person cavorting with cute idols.

“The Gay Way: How to Get Your Same Sex Relationship Back On Track, by Dr. Lesbe Honest. wow, this one is right up my alley.”

Okay, I’m gonna be honest with you. I literally forgot they show you the title in this. Imagine my face when I made up that title on the spot only to be hit with this little number. Holy shit, Symphogear. There’s this thing called subtlety. I’m begging you. We get it.

OH, AND IT GETS BETTER, BECAUSE

THE AUTHOR OF THE BOOK IS THE WRITER OF THE SHOW

IT’S LITERALLY GOT HIS NAME ON IT

THIS IS THE EQUIVALENT OF WRITING A STORY AND THEN INSERTING A BOOK CALLED “LEARN THE PLOT” WRITTEN BY YOU, IN UNIVERSE

KANEKO STOP THIS BALONEY, PLEASE

AND LIKE FUCKING CLOCKWORK SHE JUST- SHE TURNS HER HEAD AWAY FROM THE BOOK TITLED “THIS IS THE PLOT MOTIF” BY “AUTHOR” AND THEN FUCKING

SHE CONVENIENTLY LOOKS OVER TO THE DISTANCE

AND SHE SEES HIBIKI WITH THE HOT IDOL MIKU WAS INTO, THAT THEY WERE BOTH A FAN ON, AND SHE’S JUST CHILLING THERE AND MIKU WAS TOLD HIBIKI’S ON SERIOUS BUSINESS

AND THE HOSPITAL QUARTERS ARE SOMEHOW CONVENIENTLY CONNECTED TO THE FUCKING LIBRARY ON FULL DISPLAY BECAUSE GOD KNOWS EVERYONE IN A LIBRARY HAS TO WATCH SICK PEOPLE DIE IN REAL TIME

AND NOW MIKU IS THINKING “OH MY FUCKING GOD IM BEING CHEATED ON” AND HER FEELINGS ARE HURT FOR THIS TOTALLY CONTRIVED FUCKING COINCIDENCE

AND SHE’S ALL “BOO HOO HOO I’VE BEEN NTR’D! THIS WAS A CUCKING PLOT THIS WHOLE TIME! WOE IS ME!” FUCK YOU. THIS IS THE WORST. THIS IS ABSOLUTE GARBAGE WHY WOULD YOU- WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED TO SET THIS UP? THERE’S SO MANY BETTER WAYS TO DO THIS!

AND SHE’S JUST STARING BACK AT THE BOOK WRITTEN BY THE SAME ASSHOLE WHO WROTE THIS ENTIRE DAMN SCENARIO IN THE FIRST PLACE, AN EVIL GOD MOCKING HIS SUBJECTS IN THE FACE OF SCRUTINY FOR DRAMA WITH THE MOST CLICHE LOVE NOTES IN A GODDAMNED SOAP OPERA

AND HIBIKI IS NONE

THE

FUCKING

WISER

SYMPHOGEAR SURE IS GREAT, HUH? I SURE DO LOVE SYMPHOGEAR WITH ALLLLLL MY HEART. WHAT A WELL WRITTEN MASTERPIECE! FUCKING BELONGS IN THE FUCKING MOMA!!!!!

Okay. Okay. Let’s get that out of our system. The worst is over. This is the, uh, crescendo of the bad side plot as it inevitably sets itself on the road to resolution. I’m not going to have an aneurysm. My brain is not going to split itself in half. We’re good. I swear, we’re good.

Tsubasa, meanwhile, wants to understand why Hibiki fights, wrestling with the Da Vinci code that is her own emotions. She points out the fight against the Noise isn’t a game, and it ain’t no comic book bullshit either. It’s real, it’s out there, and it’s not pretty yet easily marketable as cute mascots. And what does our protagonist say? No making it up, she literally says:

“i dunno”

Not a damn brain cell in her body, but props for keeping it real. I’d likely say the same thing.

This is the face of someone currently sucking air through their teeth at the raw frustration that someone would be dumb enough to risk their life for the sake of only helping others.

“listen. im gonna keep it real here. i suck at literally everything. math. social studies. writing. helping people is all i have, because its not a competition. you just... you do it. you dont get better at helping people, you just help. like, thats it. i dunno what else to tell you.”

Then Hibiki points out that she feels it all started with Kanade saving her, and the speech implies its a ‘pay it forward’ sort of affair. She was saved, and so she should save others. Unfortunately, it comes off more as a guilt complex. “I lived, and I feel bad about that, so I gotta save everyone else” kind of stuff.

“its my coping mechanism for my countless traumas!”

“i get it now. you’re just as much of a mess as i am. you just dont show it as much. that kinda thinking’s gonna get you killed.”

Tsubasa then correctly points out that it is a kind of survivor’s guilt, where she wants to be released from the pain of old wounds, completely unaware of the irony of her statement.

“yeah. i get ya. we’re both wrecks. but... we can be wrecks working together.”

This would be the part where she says I’M SORRY but apparently we just don’t fucking do apologies in Symphogear, huh? Too good for ‘em, eh?! God.

Then they go outside and talk more about stuff and Durandal. The summation:

“do you have the capacity to live a life forever kicking ass?”

“yeah”

Hibiki, coming to terms with how she wants to deal with shit, manages to sharpen (haw) her resolve as to who she is and how she uses her abilities.

Meanwhile...

youtube

“i cant believe hibiki is having an affair with an attractive idol popstar. especially my favorite one from their old band. not only is she cheating on me, but she’s cheating on me from one of the five people on my lists id immediately get with if i had the chance. it feels like a double betrayal. a real life one, and a fantasy one... why do i find this weirdly hot...?”

“HEY NEWCOMER WELCOME TO THE CUCK AND BUCK WHERE WE SELL FRESHLY FRIED CUCKS FOR ONE BUCK, REAL EASY, REAL CHEAP, GOOD OL’ FASHIONED JAPANESE SOULFOOD”

“ive come to take my throne. i’ll take the ‘one flew over the cuckoo’s nest” and have the three eggs over easy with the ‘easy sleazy pancakes’”

“make it an extra lonely helping. this is gonna be a long afternoon.”

“ahhh. a freshly cucked newcomer coming to the cuck and buck to duck amongst their bad luck run amok, huh?”

“listen dont sass me about my busy girlfriend with your dr. seuss antics just gimmie the food and lets get this over with”

“no problem! sorry, they just come easy. it’s hard to buck at the cuck and buck when rhymes you huck make you wanna fu-”

“FOOD. NOW.”

Miku then ponders about how her feelings may have spiraled from a process of over thinking, or possibly hunger. Maybe both. Maybe Hibiki isn’t cheating on her. Maybe the reasons are more complicated than she knows. She briefly contemplates communication; a futile gesture when it is Hibiki safeguarding a secret she is forced to keep for incredibly stupid reasons.

“thanks for the food, miss. it really helped sort my feelings out.”

“no probs, kid. here at the cuck and buck, the only thing we cuck here is... our hearts.”

Meanwhile, Hibiki is still hanging with Tsubasa. Hey, if you’re gonna hang out with a critically acclaimed popstar, might as well squeeze every minute out of it, right?

“so... taco bell, huh? im surprised you actually like taco bell now. maybe you just like fast food styled psuedo-mexican restraunts? have you tried chipotle?”

“i... maybe you’re right, actually. i’ve grown to love taco bell, but... maybe i should expand my horizons. kanade did say... singing makes you hungry. maybe thats what she meant. i should take to new life experiences...”

“yeah! i can take you to all the good fast food places i know!”

“dont you have a girlfriend?”

“she can join us! she’s a big fan of you after all!”

“hey- hey wait! m- more friends? more... more friends... more friends.....”

“more friends...”

Meanwhile, a crisis develops.

Chris, having heard the f-word (friendship), is heading immediately to do the exact opposite of this.

She’s taken some pointers from Tsubasa, t-posing to assert dominance.

“how the fuck is she even flying”

“i cant wait to tell hibiki how much i love and appreciate her despite the weird NTR aura surrounding this whole situation”

“yeah, that’s right! i’m meeting the Gremlin in the park for an asskicking, don’t worry!”

“oh, speak of the devil! hibiki! i love and appreciate you despite the weird ntr auras!”

“miku- wait. oh no. i saw this happen in sam reimi’s spiderman 3. im fucked.”

“YOU GUESSED CORRECTLY, PIDGEON BANGS”

I know I’ve joked about homewrecking, but this is ridiculous.

Chris realizes there’s someone else around she may have potentially hurt. This is surprising, given murder is not something she has shyed away from, but she’s slowly climbing that ladder of morality, so cut her some slack for taking it one rung at a time.

“im losing my girl. losing my grip. now im about to lose my life. this NTR business truly is the worst.”

Chris has accidentally employed the Dio Brando style of disposing of people, which consists of throwing a vehicle and smashing them until dead.

“you’ve taken one step too close to my heartstrings, Gremlin, and for that you’re about to understand the full definition of an ass kicking.”

Hibiki fucking punches the car. Everything is forgiven in this episode for now.

“i... hibiki... are you... a street fighter character? holy shit. oh my god. hibiki oh my god you’re a street fighter character. thats been the true problem here. you’re a street fighter character now. oh my god. cheating? how could i have thought cheating was involved? you were literally just becoming a straight up superhero! oh my god. the abs! the washboard abs! the signs were all around me! the only thing you went to do behind my back was kick ass!”

“i’m sorry. i need to go kick ass now.”

The good news is all that tension just got evaporated. Miku sorta gets the truth now: her girlfriend hasn’t been cheating on her, she’s just been trying to save the local tri-county area from the grips of inter-dimensional alien eldritch entities controlled by a Gremlin and her Mistress. It’s a lot to take in, though.

These two are about to fight head to head. Last time, Hibiki was but the pupil. Now, she is the Master.

“can’t touch me, goldie locks. lemme do you a favor and CRACK THAT WHIP!”

“oh my god hibiki’s gonna fight that weird looking person”

“naruto running deeper into the woods isn’t gonna stop me from beating your ass senseless, fists for brains”

“thats because i wanna talk, asshole”

“wait. wait, what? you... you want to talk? to me?”

Hibiki proceeds to aggressively describe herself to her. Name, identity, blood type, age, the works. This is because she’s trying to befriend her, because Hibiki feels fighting people is bad, and that talking is more useful than fighting. This is a recipe for suicide, normally, but in this instance...

“what in the goddamn hell... i... um... nice.. to meet you...?”

Hibiki deploys a counter-T-Pose to show kinship, feeling that they don’t have to fight like this since they’re not Noise.

“talk may be cheap but it’ll make kicking your ass all the more easier, nerd”

Chris learns this, in fact, does not make the ass kicking all the more easier. Hibiki’s fresh new moves manage to dodge whip after whip of Chris’s attacks, and it’s really starting to annoy her a lot.

“pain in the ass. so you learned how to fight, huh? fine. you’ll tire out eventually.”

“let’s just talk, seriously! or maybe we can bond over board games-”

“i FUCKING hate board games. the fuck are you, a grandma? just fight already! people cant understand each other anyway!”

“JUST DIE ALREADY!”

“i was told to kidnap you. but im exerting a loophole today; no one told me to do it alive”

“the only kidnapping going down is me, sleeping in on a thursday afternoon forgetting class exists, you neon porcupine. so come at me. can’t kick me ass if you dont come any closer, right?”

“WITH PLEASURE!”

“ive watched the entirety of dragonball z, i know exactly how this fight’s gonna go down”

“finally. looks like i got y- hey, wait, what?”

“ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY JANKING MY LEG? THIS BITCH IS LITERALLY GOKU? PULLING KAMEHAMEHAS AND SHIT? WHY? god. its me. yukine chris. why do you hate me. why do you drag me through all this shit only to be hit in the head with some real anime baloney. why. please. have some mercy.”

“i dont know what a goku is but sure, yeah, why not”

“im going to kill her. oh my god. she doesnt even know who goku is.”

“get that tentacle shit away from me. im not fucking around anymore. we’re going to have a heart to heart whether you like it or not!”

“oh shit she found my weakness. really close melee combat.”

“MADE A FRIENDSHIP GIFT FOR YA. IT’S A FRESHLY MADE KNUCKLE SANDWICH, STRAIGHT FROM THE DELI”

“OH GOD, PLEASE, NOT MY FACE”

“REQUEST ACCEPTED, PAL”

Hibiki punched her so hard that she physically destroyed the entire armor Chris was wearing in a single blow.

“she... she doesnt punch ME like that... i mean, probably because she loves me, but..”

“did... did she just kill that person...? hibiki...? you, uh... you alright...?”

#symphogear #recap #comedy #anime #a lot of cuck was said here

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fearfilledvirgil · 6 years ago

Text

Ivity and Anx: part seventeen I

Work Summary: Virgil and Roman hate each other to the core of their beings, but both become friends with a new stranger via the Sarrahas Project. Virgil takes to Creativity as well as Roman does to Anxiety, but they don’t know the true identity of the ones they’re slowing falling for.

Warnings: undertones of abuse, low self worth, intrusive thoughts, swearing

Word count: 1800

Parings: Slowburn Prinxiety

A/N: Clifhanger! I’ll post the second section to part seventeen in a few days so it isn’t as bad of a wait. The reason why the sections of part seventeen aren’t their own chapters is because I’ve set a chapter limit for myself. I intend to stick with it! Taglist under the cut.

masterlist

taglist: @rileyfirstname @verymuchanidiot @definentlynotjustanotherlemon @silversmith-91 @kanejandkruge @sander-fander-sides @lovecrazyjennybear @the-incedible-sulk @hexdream18243 @crows-with-hats @monikastec @definenormalifyoucan @i-am-absolute-fandom-trash @applecannibal @cats-with-blogs @bubblycricket @witchcraft--and--wizardry @bunnyartie @quietlypondering @elusivefalsehoods @hghrules @royallyanxious @quietwords-loudthoughts @squishynonbinarytwink @sortablue @illogical-anxieties @savingshae @a-fander-named-skittles @thelowlysatsuma @ughthatsprettygay @im-so-infinitesimal @certifiedtrashxx @karmels-stuff @sanders-sides-trash-blog@musicqueen1239 @the-average-loner @nicological1 @oh-star-how-the-mighty-fall @surleytemple @nervous-collection @asapmy @super-magical-wizard @arandompasserby

Patton was at Roman’s front door, with Virgil getting changed in the bathroom, and neither had a clue the other was in the house. This was going to be an interesting day. Roman could never turn away his best friend, so asking Patton to leave was out of the question. What was more out of the question was making Virgil hide, because then he might think Roman is embarrassed by him, but he isn’t. Something even less possible than that to happen was for Roman to make Virgil leave, which wouldn’t go well with either party. Virgil obviously didn’t want to go home, and Roman wanted to watch over him for a while. So, the only other option was to have Patton formally meet Virgil.

“Roman? Kiddo? Pal, friend, human? You okay?” Patton asked in quick succession, swaying on the balls of his feet. This broke Roman out of his line of thought, making the older—who was just called kiddo by a friend younger than him—snap his eyes up at his friend.

“Patton! Hi, yes, hello, please come in,” the owner of the home opened the door wider for Patton to come in, adding in a gesture of welcome. “I totally forgot you were coming over.”

“Roman!” Patton sounded slightly offended, but mostly worried. “How the pecking peck did you forget about my very worried dad-Pat call yesterday?” The younger started kicking off his shoes as he shrugged off his yellow rain jacket that completely clashed with his sky blue t-shirt with a pink ice cream cone on it.

Patton’s answer came around the corner just after he got his jacket on the hook. Virgil was looking down at his now ruined purple shirt in his right hand instead of looking up as he said, “Hey Ro, who was at the door? I heard the—“ He was cut off by a screech, which made him look up to see a very excitable short boy with curly red hair and many freckles. Patton.

“That’s your answer,” Roman said with a sort of flatline tone to both Patton and Virgil at the same time. He pressed his hand into his face, dragging it down his nose before taking a breath. Patton was basically vibrating with… whatever emotion he was vibrating with. His eyes were as bright as his toothy grin, his hands up against his chest and twitching as he wobbled back and forth. “He came over in literally the middle of the night. Right after you called, actually.”

Virgil, however, was shaking for the completely opposite reason. Here before him was Patton Heart, his best friends crush and mortal enemy’s (or is it friend? Acquaintance? Creativity?) best friend. How was he supposed to react to that? He doesn’t exactly have the best track record with emotions and Roman. Putting those two things together tended to end in catastrophe, but an amazing, wild, gorgeous catastrophe. He didn’t know what to do or how to think, much less what to say. Virgil ended up accidentally dropping his ruined shirt on the floor.

“Pat, remember you need to breathe. He’s not a puppy who will get excited from your energy.” Roman said, trying to calm his best friend down for the sake of his other friend.

Patton covered his mouth, trying to become calm, before removing it and saying, “I’m sorry, but finally! It’s really nice to meet you Virgil! I mean, ya know, like… officially.” He couldn’t help but bounce up and down on the balls of his feet. The desire to rush and hug the lanky boy was almost too much, but he knew from Roman that he wasn’t the biggest fan of sudden touches.

“Sure. Whatever.” Virgil bent down to pick his shirt up from the floor. He already had his mask, his facade, firmly in place. He had to have it in place. Patton may have talked to him as Anxiety, but he never had met Virgil before. Virgil didn’t know who he wanted to be talking to, so he settled on his usual hard persona. It was easy to do, as it was his natural reaction to anything at this point.

All this did, however, was make Patton squeal louder than before. “Wait, this means we all three can spend the day together! Oh oh oh and maybe I can teach you guys how to make thumbprint cookies?”

Both Roman and Virgil looked at Patton in shock before looking at each other. Neither had a clue to how deal with the boy in the ice cream shirt. Virgil wanted to run and hide from any chance of his facade breaking, but something inside him stopped him. Maybe it was how highly Logan spoke of him, or that he seemed harmless, or that Roman was looking happy at the day to come, but Virgil decided to stay. For now, at least.

Roman broke out of his stupor first. “Wait. Thumbprint cookies? As in jelly in the middle cookies? With the Crofter's in the middle?”

“What is with you people and excitement over jam?” Virgil couldn’t believe Roman’s sudden excitement over a jam. Especially after Patton just invited himself to do things with them.

“Hey! Crofter’s is amazing!” Roman attempted to defend himself, throwing his hands in the air. This made Virgil flinch in the slightest, but he held most of it back. Don’t show weakness. Don’t show weakness. Don’t show weakness.

“It’s a jam!” Virgil didn’t know how people could be this obsessed with a jam. It reminded him of Logan, which made a spike of sadness and guilt hit his stomach.

Both Patton and Roman gasped at that. “It is not just a jam!” Roman took a step back, lowering his hands. He didn’t know if Patton did, but he noticed the flinch. “It is the fruit spread of the gods!”

“Have you ever had Crofter’s, kiddo?” Patton asked softly. He didn’t know if Roman did, but he noticed the flinch.

The sudden change in Patton’s deminor caused Virgil to pause. It was very similar to the way Logan had tried to get him to eat the jam, not to mention when he was fixing him up after a rough night, “I haven’t.” He settled on the simplest words devoid of emotion. Don’t show weakness. Don’t show weakness.

“We gotta fix that right now!” Patton went to grab Virgil’s hand, but stopped just before he did. His hand wavered, unsure if he wanted to be touched. As an answer, Virgil put his hands in his back pockets, complete with a clench of his jaw at the pain the movement caused to his upper arm. It made a small sinking feeling hit Patton, but he dropped his hand and lead him to the kitchen anyways. Once there, he opened the fridge and pulled out the strawberry jar. He spun around to get a spoon and scooped some jelly out of the jar.

“Here you go.” He offered the spoon to Virgil.

“I’m supposed to eat that with a spoon? No fucking way.” Virgil told Patton, hands still in the back of his pockets.

Patton gasped, “Language!” Virgil at least had the decency to look a little embarrassed, but it was nothing compared to the overwhelming guilt swirling in his chest. Bad bad can’t do anything right. Virgil’s intrusive thoughts rattled. He hates you he hates you he hates you and he’ll hurt you now. Stupid stupid stupid.

“And yes. You can eat Crofter’s with a spoon and be completely happy. If you want I’m sure we can find you a piece of bread?” Patton lowered the spoon, trying his best not to blame Virgil for how cold he was being. He knew that it was a coping mechanism, now that he put together what happened with Anxiety and events with Virgil.

Roman chuckled at Patton in “Dad Mode” while he was digging in the pantry for the bread. “I’m way ahead of you for the bread, Pat. But he is right. You could eat Crofter’s with a spoon and be in heaven.” He handed a slice to Patton after opening it on the counter.

Patton spread what he had on the spoon onto the white bread before passing it over to Virgil. Virgil sighed, trying to keep his face looking disinterested, and took a bite of it. His eyes widened as, the sensations, the flavor, and the texture filled his senses. Before he knew what he was doing, he finished the piece of bread and licked his fingers. After, he internally cursed himself for it.

Roman and Patton both laughed at his reaction. “I think that’s a ‘yes’ on the thumbprint cookies?” Roman teased Virgil, who flipped him off.

“I will physically fight you, young man, if you keep using such bad words!” Patton put the jar of Crofters back into the fringe.

Virgil strongly felt that Patton would—even though he was older than the redhead—that same guilt hitting his chest again. He didn’t show it, keeping the stone face in place, as he apologized, “Sorry. Habit.”

“So what’s the plan for before lunch, kiddos?” Patton asked as he sat down at one of the breakfast bar seats at the same time Virgil heaved himself to sit on the counter.

“Well, Virgil needed some new clothes while he’s staying here, so we were going to go to the thrift store.” Roman said, mostly into the pantry as he put away the bread.

“We don’t have to do that. It can wait if you two wanna do something else.” Virgil mumbled as he stared at the floor. He hated to be an inconvenience. It all he ever was. Patton could see how insecure Virgil was in that moment with his head hung low and guard still firmly in place. That would not stand.

“I think that’d be fun! Maybe I can find me another awesome shirt while we’re there.” he smiled, trying to put Virgil at ease.

“That’s not really the problem.” Virgil sneered, but Patton didn’t flinch.

“Then what is it, kiddo? I think it’d be fun to go shopping.” He said softly instead.

Virgil didn’t want to say it. He also didn’t want to make it look like he was staying with Roman on charity. “I didn’t,” he clenched his jaw, continuing, “Bring anything but my phone yesterday, and that’s…. I was still talking to Logan.”

“We can go and pick up some of your stuff if you want.” Patton suggested, still speaking softly

“NO!” Virgil nearly screamed that one word. The fear he felt wasn’t only for himself this time. He didn’t know what his father would do if any of his “friends” came with. He didn’t let any of this fear leave his gut though, instead solidifying his glare with the harsh, loud, one word of ‘no.’

next part

hey im pretty sure you are used to this by now but heres another shoutout to my amazing co-writer and friend @lovecrazyjennybear! this chapter is so long that we have to split it up into three (four?) parts, and it was her idea where to split them, so blame her for the evil clifhanger. but seriously, i just???? love her so much and she’s such an amazing person and an amazing writer!!!! she’s awesome.

#fail’s writing #roman sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #virgil angst #sanders sides #sanders sides fanfiction #oh dont you love clifhangers?

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