#like what’s left of my bangs is about the length of jyns hair

[yeehawgeek]

i could probably do a good jyn erso cosplay with how my hair is rn

[theindifferentdroid]

Issues [Rebelcaptain]

Summary: Jyn and Cassian’s first time brings light - or darkness - to some emotional challenges. 

A/N: This is an angsty, slightly smutty fic. Loosely based on this post from @thestarbirdfromtheashes. This is my FIRST rebelcaptain fic so I feel like I’m still learning the ropes. Feedback is definitely appreciated!

Warnings: Slightly NSFW.

Word count: 2,000+

It was the first time for both of them, at least with each other. Perhaps they were otherwise experienced, but they hadn't discussed their past; it wasn't something either of them was well-versed at. Although based on their mutual nervousness it wasn't hard for them to imagine the other's inexperience.

They had slept together before, a handful of times. They had slept together when Cassian would come back from a mission, battered and bruised and just a little in need of some companionship. They had slept together when Jyn would have those nightmares she tended to have, the kind only alleviated by someone else's presence. They had slept together whenever it felt right.

But only slept. 

Sleep was a strong word, though. Rest would be a better one. It's hard to sleep when you're Jyn or Cassian (or anyone in the Rebellion).

They were resting in Cassian's quarters when he made the move. Well, they were lying there - awake - when Cassian decided to make the move. The longer he thought about it, the further the possibility of it happening slipped away. Jyn's breathing slowed as her mind quickly transitioned into her subconscious.

He didn't blame her. The environment was perfect for a tired mind like Jyn's. His quarters were cold and dark. Very dark. Cassian's eyes had adjusted and still all he could see was a slight interruption of the pitch-blackness where Jyn's body lies. Not one of her features was visible to his eye. Even when he blinked, he had difficulty realizing when his eyes opened again.

The first touch was a soft one, hesitant. Cassian ran his fingers over Jyn's shoulder, where he had mapped it out to be. If she were awake, it'd be a step in the right direction. If she were asleep, well, maybe her mind would recognize the comforting touch, and she could rest easy tonight.

He jumped when a hand grabbed his wrist. She was awake.

Cassian pulled his hand back quickly, but Jyn's hand still clung tightly to it. "I'm sorry," he murmured.

Jyn's voice pervaded the darkness. "Don't be."

Jyn moved Cassian's hand by his wrist towards her face. She knew he couldn't see where it was; he could only guess. She kissed his palm before blindly placing his hand on the side her neck. Jyn let go of his wrist, moving her hand slowly up his arm. He felt a pause and a slight squeeze of his bicep before Jyn's hand traced over his shoulder, ending in a strong grasp of his face, his stubble scratching over the calluses on the inside of her hand. Her thumb reached out to drag across his lips, to be sure of their place. Cassian took a sharp breath in at the feeling of something against them.

They sat there for a moment, no sensations but the sound of their breaths and their faces under the each other's fingertips. Cassian willed his eyes to see past the darkness, to adapt, somehow, more than they already had. He wanted to see some part of Jyn. Any part. He wanted to see how her bangs were falling on her face. He wanted to see her lips. He wanted to see how her eyes were looking at him in that exact moment, just so he could see that she wanted him, too.

But he couldn't.

Cassian adjusted his hand slightly, pressing two fingers beneath Jyn's jaw. Her heartbeat quickened and began to fill her ears as the pressure pounded against Cassian's fingertips. He felt her pulse more than he thought he would, the near silence and complete darkness heightening his other senses. He imagined Jyn was feeling the same.

"Cassian," Jyn whispered. His name left her lips in a hot breath that spread across his face; he was closer to her than he'd realized. He heard the need in her voice in the way she held onto the last syllable, dragging it out in a near whimper.

His first kiss landed on her cheek, just above the corner of her lip. They both adjusted appropriately, quickly, their lips needing no further guidance in the darkness now that they'd found each other.

Jyn wound her arms around Cassian's torso, snaking between his body and the mattress. Cassian sat up, allowing her to get her grip around him. Jyn took advantage of Cassian's mobility, pushing him exceedingly out of his position and onto her, his hips landing near hers before he knelt into a straddle over her, finally separating their lips. The effect was dizzying to Cassian, not just from the sudden blood rush; trying to steady himself upright in the darkness had proved challenging.

A nervous chuckle slipped through Cassian's lips. He was suddenly thankful Jyn couldn't see his face; he imagined he would have appeared obnoxiously giddy if she could, something he had tried to keep at bay in her presence.

The need for Cassian ached in her gut. Jyn's hands gripped onto his hips, her fingers twisting into the belt loops of his pants, pulling him closer to her. Cassian grabbed the hem of her shirt in return.

"Can I...?" he asked first, pausing.

It was silent, besides their heavy breaths.

"Jyn?"

Still nothing.

Cassian released her shirt from his hands, patting them around on the bed on the way up to her face. He propped up on his elbows around where he believed her shoulders to be.

"Jyn, you need to speak up. I can't see you." Cassian shifted his hand until he felt part of Jyn's face beneath his fingertips, slowly moving it into a position where he could run his thumb over her cheek. "Jyn?"

The silence was deafening.

Cassian shifted up and began to lean over to flip on the lamp on the bedside table.

"No!" Jyn said, finally speaking up. She grabbed him by the shoulders, pulling him back towards her. "No lights."

Cassian furrowed his brows, more confused now than he had been seconds ago. "You don't want to see me," he said, not so much accusing Jyn as he was convincing himself.

Jyn's hands found their way to Cassian's face after a little searching, running her hands through his hair. "I do. I just..."

Cassian thought back to what he knew about Jyn, what he'd learned and what little she'd told him. How she was always running and hiding. About her time, however short, at the labor camp. He imagined she didn't have much privacy there - or ever - and how exposed she must have felt...

"You feel safe? In the dark?" he asked.

Jyn nodded silently before speaking. "Yes."

Cassian leaned over Jyn's frame, nestling his face into her hair and speaking into her ear. His voice was deep. "Don't worry. You are safe with me."

Suddenly, Jyn's skin was freckled with goosebumps. Cassian ran his hand under her shirt, his soft fingertips and callused palms ticking their way across her torso. He moved slowly; he knew he had her trust, but he wanted to prove he could be trusted, especially with her. His fingers dipped over the barely-there valleys of her scars, but he noticed every one of them.

Jyn's breathing deepened, the noise like music to Cassian's ears, even if it was reminiscent of waves against a beach that he would rather forget he had ever been to.

He dipped lower with his hand, running a finger beneath the length of the waistband of Jyn's pants. A shiver ascended her spine as she bit her lip, and one of her hands quickly reached up to clasp against her own mouth.

Cassian stopped. He hadn't seen her move, but he'd felt it. "Everything okay?"

He removed his hand from her waist, raising it to her face once again. Instead of her cheek, he'd been met with her hand, her wrist. He traced over it, her knuckles like Braille, the picture unseen but the story told, however badly translated.

"Jyn, what's wrong?" Cassian asked, moving his hand down her arm. He felt the prickle of her raised hairs.

"Nothing's wrong. Just... don't expect me to say much, alright?"

The tone of her words stung, but Cassian knows how she is. He knows she's being hard on herself, not him. Jyn's like that.

It was quiet for a beat before anyone spoke again, both of them expecting the other to begin. So Jyn does it herself.

She explains in so many words that yes, everything's okay. But actually, no, it isn't. Not completely. She tells him that she's been lonely, for too long. Alone in places she shouldn't have been. She explains, reluctantly, how she's never been with anyone but herself, how she's had to contain herself, learn to be silent. To feel without expressing it.

Cassian raised his eyes brows and nodded in understanding, forgetting the darkness. Realizing he was guilty of the same thing Jyn had done moments ago, he hummed.

"I'm difficult, I know." Jyn paused, sighing rather deeply. "I'm sorry," she whispered. They are words she's never truly felt the need to say until now, maybe the reason their sound barely made it past her lips.

"Don't be." Cassian's voice is gruff and close and reassuring.

He was right earlier; she's safe with him.

Jyn feels his nose nudge against her skin just below her ear, asking to proceed again.

"I'd be interested to see if you could help me get past that, eventually," Jyn teases. An invitation to continue.

Eventually, Cassian repeated in his mind.

Cassian's heart fluttered and his face felt flush, the heat nearing the tips of his ears. Jyn was expecting this to happen again, and it had barely even begun.

Cassian sat up, leaning over Jyn. They both stared at each other past the darkness, their connection slowly overreaching the physical barriers. Jyn felt as if Cassian were being pulled towards her. Maybe it was meant to be, this attraction. Maybe the Force was at play. Jyn imagined - for a fleeting moment - that this wasn't what her mother had in mind when she told her to trust the Force, but she wasn't about to ignore the advice now.

Jyn's lips were met with Cassian's in a quick peck. He paused for a moment before lowering his mouth to her neck, sucking on the skin below her jawline as Jyn threw her head back. She reached for Cassian's back, dragging her nails as she tugged his shirt up and over his head, pausing to let him finish leaving his mark before she broke the contact.

Cassian's hand plunged below the waistline of Jyn's pants, his fingers dancing around where he knew she wanted them to be. She tried raising her hips under his weight, but she could only move so much. She longed for her eyes to meet Cassian's. She was shooting him a glare, one he'd seen before. If only he could see her now he'd know not to test her.

She reached down and grabbed him, tightly, through the fabric of his pants, and he let out a moan against her chest, buckling over.

Cassian took slow breaths, pausing for a moment to compose himself, but Jyn didn’t let up. He sank his fingers into her now, causing Jyn to tighten around him. Once Jyn could think past the cloudiness of her pleasure, she realized it was more than she had ever been able to give to herself.

Moments passed with hot breaths being exchanged before they haphazardly pulled clothes off the other, a few elbows and fists and curses colliding in the chaos.

They couldn’t see, but they could feel. Cassian took the time to run his hands over every part of Jyn, not so much minding that he might memorize the way she felt under him before he ever got to see her. Jyn appreciated the way his muscles flexed under her hands and against her skin, her imagination blossoming about what he might actually look like under those jackets of his.

As he eased into her, a deep inhale shuddered past Jyn's lips, nearly a moan, but not quite. Her breathing deepened, and then,

"Cassian," she pleaded, quietly, a minute whisper.  He smiled at the sound.

The only noise that passed Jyn's lips that night in pleasure was the name of its source.

And that's all he needed to hear for now.

They’d get past their difficulties. Together. Eventually.