#like what if; and get this; ive always wanted to be unremarkable working an okayish
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Honest to god might go nuclear and just drop out of university.
Like fuck that noise I tried it didn't work out now it's time for plan "I get to live my life."
#but people are always like 'nooooo you can't do thwt you need to grind this you're so promising aha'#like ok well what if I don't want to be a promising young woman. what then.#like what if; and get this; ive always wanted to be unremarkable working an okayish#8 to 4 job that's kinda boring and mediocre and allows me to go home and do my own thing when my shift's over?#what if my ideal life is one where I'm a cashier or an office worker or a graphic designer or whete i work in a smokes shop#and i work with a few people and it's kinda boring but kinda fun and the pay isn't good but it's enough to live#and i don't have to take my work home and I don't have to worry about the safety or health of others#what if i said that every time I expressed this people just laughed at me and said that that isn't true#as far as the world is concerned my desires are simply not real. not allowed to be real.#I'm a 'promising young woman' and as such i have to perform to others' satisfaction and do what they think i have to do#get that degree and get it on time. get a move on you should have been married by now. try harder you should have had a good#job in your field by now#it's always have to have to have to. supposed to supposed to supposed to. and i keep doing that and i keep bending my back#but what is left of me? my ex once told me that if i keep going on and on about what i have to do then i actually want to do it#i don't think i do but it left a worm in my head. now i keep wondering if i do want this life.#I'm sick and tired of it all and I've always been and it's like a pressure on my shoulders that says 'this is how you earn your life'#'want' is a dirty word. a sinful word. so i just keep going. 'want' is something my mother spits out mockingly#'Wanting isn't a valid reason' she always says.#'I want a lot of things and i never do them and i never have done them. I do what I have to do; even if i hate it. That's life. That's#responsibility;' she says whenever she's in a bad mood (always)#i hate that I'm the failure of the family and yet I'm expected to try harder. i hate that I'm not allowed to fail.#what if i want to?#why is my mother allowed to have a high school diploma and nothing else and I'm not? why is she allowed to be a graphic designer;#why is she allowed to be a receptionist; to own a small business; and I'm not?#why can my aunt be a cashier? why was my grandma allowed to be a factory worker?#why is it always 'you have to take care of other people' 'you have to bear the suffering of others'#'you are not a human being' 'you have to'? what have i done to deserve that?#what if i want to be a person? what if i want to have the right to live? what if i want a life? what if i want to be#an unremarkable unimportant useless nonessential member of society?
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