#like what do u mean i could be back in cali right now eating giant ice cream cones at camp snoopy and nothing else would even matter

[theladyinwhite13]

knotts 🍓

[stickthatinyourstraw]

Beginnings

I’m going to start journaling here on my ole tumblr account. For anyone who still follows me, if this isn’t your thing, you’re welcome to go. I just need to find a new way to release some thoughts and energy on a regular basis. Who knows how often I’ll even get around to it. Ideally daily would be great, but considering how scatter-brained I really am, it’s unlikely. This’ll be a kinda stream of consciousness type thing, where I don’t go back and edit it, I just post what I’ve written.

So I guess I’ll start with what makes me want to do this in the first place; I don’t know how to deal with my own emotions or thoughts, and I feel like venting about it to no one on the internet might make me feel better. I went out with Wyatt tonight, and it all just stressed me out. To set the background, and so I’ll remember with context later; today was a chill day at work, I got to go in when I wanted for just education, so I slept in and grabbed Starbucks on my way in. Nothing particularly special happened, except for some sweet gossip that I love to hate; Jerenda is moving from her manager position to be a CCU nurse. I imagine that’s a pay cut, and I’m surprised Debbie is letting her go, but she must really be suffering like the rest of us were (and some still are). I asked Cassie to get with her old contacts in CCU and give me updates on how she does, more specifically if she fails, so I can report back to all my old buddies on the floor. She deserves every ounce of shit she gets up there. The rest of my work day was generally uneventful, but I ended up coming home to a paper towel confettied mess, because Wyatt hadn’t put the boys up this morning like he usually does. Not a huge deal, but I can’t find the damn broom, so I’m going to leave it for him to see and clean up, though it does stress me out every time I go out there. If I just ignore it, it doesn’t exist, right? Wyatt came home after with his car back out of the shop, he had some thing done to soften the ride and raise the suspension or whatever, but they ended up somehow fucking it up and lowering the damn thing even more. Now you can’t even fit a finger in the wheel well. I’ll admit that the ride was smoother, however even the slightest bumps sounded like the entire undercarriage of the car drug on the ground. So we rode out to the Habitat for Humanity food truck fest at the baseball stadium to meet Dad for some dinner. I got a giant redneck cup full of sweet tea, and Wyatt had a couple beers. He had Mahi tacos from Wrighteous Eats, I had a macaroni and pulled pork grilled cheese from Who Cut the Grilled Cheese? All in all, pretty good stuff. Dad wasn’t hungry, and Wyatt wanted to get to his buddy John’s car meet, so we left around 7. Now, I used to take a lot of issue with his driving style, because he tends to speed and take turns and corners too quickly for my liking, but since he put new tires on and stiffened the suspension in the Accord, it gripped a lot better and I felt I could trust it more. Well, it’s been raining for the last two days, so it’s damn wet outside, and I don’t care how much grip your tires have, if you go too fast on a turn, you’re putting not only us in danger, but other people as well. He flew down 110 at about 70, driving past a wreck with an overturned truck and a few state troopers. I felt it would’ve been smarter not to speed past the troopers, but whatever. We get to 29 and he has to do a fly by for the boys, so he hauls ass at like 70 down the 45 zone to get some good muffler noises, then does a U-turn and comes up to the shop. As soon as we get out of the car (whose door I’ve just locked), he and Rylan jump into a souped up Civic and go for a ride. I barely got an “I’ll be right back, love you babe!” before he hopped in and they took off in the little red fart can. 5 minutes go by and I’m getting antsy, standing in a mechanic’s parking lot with a bunch of strangers in the dark, waiting for my doofus boyfriend to get back. I text him and tell him, “I am not interested in hanging out here alone with strangers.” He replied with “I’ll be back in a sec, they needed me to buy beer.” Okay, fine. He’s gone almost another ten minutes, and needless to say, I hadn’t arrived in the greatest mood as it was. They get back, and I’m audibly irritated with him, and he asks if I’m mad at him for going, and I say that I kinda am for just immediately taking off and leaving me alone with strangers for 15 minutes. He tells me to “calm down”, which we all know how well that works out. He says “whatever dude”, my favorite pet peeve phrase out of his mouth, and walks off to put the beer away. He then goes to talk to this kid who’s bought himself a piece of shit Accord and proceeds to give him the old coilovers off his car that he’d had replaced today. The kid (19) is super excited, and proceeds to gush about his Accord to Wyatt, who’s just thrilled to have someone with the same car as him. Wyatt takes him for a ride in his car to show it off, and I stay behind because I have no interest in being complicit in his going 80 down Hwy 29. Two different groups of guys were making shitty remarks about Wyatt’s car, and though I couldn’t make out specific sentences, I could hear the snickering about how slow he was. They made fun of him. All I could think of was that I hoped no one knew I was his girlfriend. I didn’t want to be made fun of too, nor did I want to make anyone stop talking about it. I wanted to hear their unfiltered and unbiased opinions. Those opinions were not nice. Then they got back and Wyatt asked if he could go for a ride in the kid’s car, and though I gave him a dirty look, I wanted him to just do it and get it over with. He saw my face and told the kid “maybe another day” but I whispered “he has the mental maturity of a 4 year old, just go with him and make his fuckin day.” They left, the kid’s muffler dragging against the ground the whole way. Once again, all I could think of was “please for the love of God no one acknowledge that I know half of the brain power in that vehicle.” They made endless fun of that shit bucket car, even after they came back. Wyatt did get a semi-backhanded compliment from Rylan about his car from the ordeal, “This car is a piece of shit. Accords are not all pieces of shit, because your car isn’t a piece of shit, but this car is.” That made Wyatt happy, which is all I ask for. Now, note that this entire time we’ve been here, and I mean since we rolled up into the parking lot, I’ve had to pee. I’m on my period, so I’m already bloated, and I just finished about a quart of sweet tea and a giant grilled cheese and tots, so I’m busting at the seams here. He asks if I want him to take me home so I can pee, but I don’t necessarily want to abandon him and leave, I just want to go somewhere relatively clean, not the mechanic’s bathroom in the shop that I’ve just seen three kids running in and out of and playing in. No thanks. But eventually I just give in and let him take me home, and here we are. Writing to you, the void. It’s nice to just sit here on my computer, on the couch, in my own home, in the dark and the quiet, with three relatively calm dogs at my sides. Cali popped up out of a box and scared the shit out of Shep, so I’ve had something to laugh at.

I need to try and study a bit for the HESI and then sign up to take it next week so I can get my dumbass into school. I don’t really know what I want anymore. I want to help people, and I think I want to do it via emergency medicine, but I honestly don’t know if I’m equipped to handle that. Sure, I love the blood and guts in videos and shit, but what about in real life? I haven’t had a chance to see a real surgery yet, and with the way that I’ve handled things in the past, I’m nervous I’ll be too weak for it. Plus, going back to 3 12s every week and working those long and miserable hours on my feet with a bunch of grouchy ass patients. I really like the whole unconscious patients thing, they haven’t got much room to talk back. The other thing I’m worried about with nursing is being able to even get through school. Sure, if Glenn can get through it, I imagine I can too. But how do I learn all those medications? The abnormal heart rhythms? The various symptoms and variations of diseases and their processes? In just four semesters? How do I manage all that in such a limited time? I’ve never been particularly good in school, and I’m lazy as all hell, with my “if you don’t know it by now, there’s no point in studying any more” bullshit mentality. I know I shouldn’t be like that with schooling that determines my career, but I can’t help myself but not give a shit. It’s been almost a week since registration for the summer opened up and I still haven’t signed up for a class. I don’t know how I’ll be paying for it either, with the lack of Florida prepaid left over at this point. I’ve only got 37 hours left, but thankfully only need 42 hours for this AA. Beyond that, I’m shit outta luck. 

I’m just not feeling the motivation for anything. I don’t know if it’s that I don’t feel motivation any more, or that I never felt it to begin with. I wasn’t motivated in middle school or high school, and certainly not the first time around in college classes. But I just don’t feel motivation to do things that I enjoy. It reminds me a lot of when I would come straight home from school and just sink into the couch to watch Netflix until late at night, without bothering to do much homework or any studying, much less any self care. I don’t have the motivation to shower every day, I don’t remember to brush my teeth every morning if I don’t go to work like normal, I never wear makeup and usually don’t brush my hair. I never eat breakfast or enjoy my coffee or wake up at the first alarm without snoozing. I don’t play videogames anymore, and I don’t have much interest in plants anymore. I don’t keep up with my part of house work and yet still get frustrated with Wyatt when he doesn’t do his part. I neglect my old passions and belongings. I don’t try. I don’t really care, even. I just feel so empty sometimes. I feel like I have a hole in my stomach, like I’ve tried to fill a void with hobbies and interests and food and friends, and nothing ever seems to work, or at least not for long. I’m not really depressed right now, but maybe it’s just that it’s grown into something different. Maybe this constant emptiness is my new form of deep sadness. I don’t cry a lot anymore, and I haven’t been suicidal in a couple months. Even when I have been sad lately, I’ve thought about the idea of suicide taking away the pain, but it just doesn’t feel like the right solution anymore.  I guess that’s a good thing, not wanting to die, even if I don’t really feel like I am living. I’m just so upset about everything all the time. I’m worried I’m too handsy and mean with the dogs. It breaks my heart every time I raise my hand to Lillie and she cowers, and I know that I’m the one who’s done that to her. I don’t beat her, but I’ve used my hands to train, and I know it’s wrong. I guess that makes me one of the bad guys. I hate myself for it, because I can’t control myself in the moment, I just see this blind rage and I lash out at the object of my anger, and then afterwards realize I was wrong in handling it the way I did. Do I even deserve these dogs? Sheppy paces out of boredom, and I’m worried Lillie will end up doing the same. They’re just so high energy, and I’m so not, I can’t motivate myself to take care of them the way I know they deserve. I hate myself sometimes. This is one of those moments where I wish I could just die, but I know I don’t want to. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I think I’ll schedule another appointment with Dr. Kim and talk it out with her. I really need help with Wyatt most of all. I’m worried about him, and I’m worried about the way I treat him. He absolutely deserves better than I’m giving him, but I couldn’t stand to lose him. He really is my whole world, but like with Lillie, when he aggravates me, I just lose all sense of right and wrong and just go with an aggressive and hateful base instinct of doing what I want. I’m trying to be better, but I feel like since I’ve stopped therapy, I’ve slid back some. I haven’t been so kind, patient, and forgiving. He deserves that much from me, when I know he does the same for me.

Anyway, at this point, I’m just rambling thoughts of things that have come to mind lately, and I think this is sufficient for the first journal post. If you’re a follower and you’ve made it this far, I’m so sorry for you, it was not worth it bud. But for me when I come back and read this later, be more forgiving to him. He didn’t mean it that way, he didn’t intend to make you feel like that, he didn’t mean to upset or bother you. Sometimes he’s just oblivious, and he still can’t read your mind. Give him the patience he deserves, and the love and support and acceptance he needs. Give more of yourself to him, don’t be selfish, share a little.

Cheers

[jeremyhechtsblog-blog]

Land of the Loud

Disclaimer: Don’t be fooled by this blog post, this was a rare day. Rarely do I get high. However, I am high off life every day. Continue reading.

Thursday

It’s 4:00 am. 

My alarm clock is ringing at what seems like an unnaturally loud level. I hit snooze. I try to go back to sleep for an extra 21 minutes because my phone alarm is set for 4:21 am - but I can’t sleep. So I just lay in bed and envision my day as I often do. 

Finally I get up.

It’s my first day at Power 106. If you’re unfamiliar with Power 106, It’s LA’s #1 Hip-Hop radio station and has a listenership of 2.8 million people weekly. All of the best hip-hop artists and personalities have at one point stopped through the Power studios.

I have been dreaming about working at a station like this for my whole life. I used to fantasize about what it would be like to ask my favorite artists the questions that I have always wanted to ask them. Today that dream becomes a reality.

My shift begins at 5:45 am.

I wake up, spread my crunchy peanut butter onto my challah toast that my mom sent over from Winnipeg, and fill up my water bottle. I turn on the new John Mayer album and semi get in my feelings before 6:00 am. I run in the rain to catch my Uber, which is parked a little past my apartment.

I remember when I was in my basement in Winnipeg I would imagine what it would be like to listen to “Far Alone” by G-Eazy while driving down the freeway in LA and looking at the palm trees thinking to myself, “damn. I made it.” Now I wouldn’t say I’ve made it, but I feel like this moment deserves that song.

I arrive at the station in Burbank at 5:20 am and I’m the first one there. I wait until 5:45 when the program director comes to let me in. I meet the other intern working that day. His name is Connor and he is a really dope dude. Reminds me of my buddy Austin MacKay from back home.

J. Cruz peeks his head through the studio door where I’m setting things up for the day with Connor and Jeff, the program director.

“Good to see you again my man.”

Every new intern has to prank someone and the station records the phone call to play on air the next morning. I prank call my brother and tell him that he has to smuggle weed across the boarder for me in order to give to T.I in return for backstage passes, meet and greets, and a “big booty b*tch.” My sister joins the call and shuts the operation down. But it makes for an extremely entertaining segment the next day. You can listen to it here:

https://soundcloud.com/user-123505586/problem-in-studio-cowboy-prank-calls-friday-5-new-r-u-down-more

 After a shift that seemed to fly by because I was extremely engaged in what I was doing, I’m invited into the radio studio room for a meeting about the Migos interview happening tomorrow morning. If you are unfamiliar with who the Migos are, they are an Atlanta based hip-hop group. They currently have the number one song in the country after actor rapper comedian screenwriter and director Childish Gambino / Donald Glover shouted them out in his Golden Globe acceptance speech saying that their song Bad and Boujee is the greatest song ever. Quavo, Takeoff and Offset are the three members. They also created the dab. Yes, the dab, the dance move that your grandma sometimes does.

I’m asked to write down notes from the meeting, but I also have a real seat at the table creatively. I am able to put in creative input, suggest questions, and provide my own insight. I write down as many questions as I can possibly think of and ask my friends Jared and Ian what they would want to ask the Migos.

Friday

4:00 am. My alarm clock seems to be ringing a little bit less loudly today. I get up out of bed almost immediately and put on my already pre-picked outfit - which is laid out and folded on the ground with all of my accessories and things that I need to take.

My Uber Driver’s name is Juan Cruz - J. Cruz. I can’t make this stuff up.

LA rapper Problem comes into the studio at 7:30 am and I ask him how he keeps his Air Force One’s so clean.

“You just gotta start gliding more man” * laughs *

His manager interrupts and says

“That and you have to have 78 pairs like Problem does.” * laughs *

We jam out to his new song “All Year” and kick it in the studio for a bit.

“Pleasure meeting you man. Goodluck with everything.”

The Migos interview was set to take place at 12:00pm. But it’s raining - and in LA when it rains, the whole city shuts down. It’s similar to the first snowfall of every year in Winnipeg. Except for it happens every single time that it rains. So they were late. Plus like I always say to make myself sound cooler when I show up late - “sorry I’m on rapper time.”

It’s 12:41 pm and I’ve taken my place in the studio. We are blasting “T-Shirt” by Migos through the studio speakers – which knock heavily - and we are all patiently awaiting for the 3 boys from the A to arrive. Cruz is wearing a big ass fur coat inspired by Migos’ T-Shirt video. There are bottles of champagne and Coronas in the middle of the studio.

I really have to pee but I don’t want to lose my spot for the interview. I go pee anyways because I figured it was going to be a long rest of the day. I also haven’t eaten anything since the 3 eggs I had at 4:45 am – which were surprisingly easy to eat at that time of day. It’s like a post bar meal from Sals.

 I get back from the bathroom and all three Migos are walking in with an entourage of about 8 people. I don’t get starstruck very easily and I’m not starstruck by them, but I can say that they look like rockstars. Chains glimmering, sunglasses on, and the smell of weed potent before 1:00 pm.

“Jeremy can you go get them?”

“What’s up? You guys can come into the studio now!”

Cruz says “this is our interns’ first interview! One of them is from Canada”

Quavo looks at me. He is wearing a jean jacket, sunglasses, a yellow hat and has diamonds all over his pinky fingers. 

“What’s up Canada? I got a plug out there. We gotta get Canada a blunt”

We’re midway through the interview and I have never been more second hand high in my life. As they say in Cali, it was very loud in that room. You could “hear” it from the end of the hallway. The rest of the interview seems like a blur to me now. But I know that some of my questions were incorporated into the conversation, which was dope.

I can’t even see straight at this point. It’s not even 2 in the afternoon. The Migos just freestyled for what seemed like an hour straight based on a kid’s book called “Llamma Llamma, Red Pijamas” and it was hilarious. A lot better than I can make it sound in writing. I’m losing it laughing.

“That was the greatest interview of 2017. Historic.” Says Quavo.

I go get a picture with them and all of them are still smoking in the picture. Luckily I am wearing a hat to cover my face.

I thank their manager for a good interview and thank Jeff, the producer at Power for the opportunity.

“We will see you next Thursday!”

I joke to Cruz that next time we will book off the whole day for Migos so they can freestlyle for the whole day as I’m walking out of the building.

I go to the lunch room to get my pasta and I eat it standing up. I still feel really high from just being in that room so I know I have to leave. My friend Connor – the other intern - lets me out the back and I click the button on the elevator.

As soon as I turn around, guess who is behind me?

You probably guessed right because there haven’t been that many people mentioned in the story so far. It was the Migos and their entire entourage of 8 extremely large men, including their head of security.

“You going down?”

“Yeah are you guys?”

“Yeah man.”

“Is there room or should I take the next one?”

They all pile into the elevator into what is definitely the heaviest elevator that I have ever been a part of.

“Get in bro.”

They push me into the middle of the elevator. Now let me just paint the scene for you.

So it’s me – a small Jewish white boy with a backpack on smelling like I just came out of a dispenscery and really lost because I haven’t eaten since 4:45 am – and 8 massive dreaded dudes surrounding me. I almost get pushed into Offset but I luckiy keep my balance. I am face to face with Offset and Quavo and Takeoff are right in front of me as well. Imagine facetiming with your friend and looking at their giant face on the screen - that’s how close we are.

“Thanks for coming. That was a great interview!”

I didn’t really know what else to say but I know I sounded stupid. Offset stares at me with a blank face through his ruby tinted sunglasses and doesn’t respond. I get kind of worried so I shut up. Then he nods and says

“Yeah man that was a real one. It was fun.” while staring into space.

I get pushed off the elevator into the third floor of the parking garage. I have to go down three more levels to get to the main floor.

I always see signs in numbers, and I look at my phone. My phone reads 2:27 pm and it’s at 17%. It doesn’t make sense really to you, I know, but to me those numbers mean “stay.” And plus my brother told me to rap for them.

Takeoff is standing by himself and the others went into the van.

“Hey man can I get your advice on the music business quickly.”

He stares at me blankly. Looks me up and down.

“You make music?”

“Yeah, can I rap a quick 16 for you?”

He doesn’t answer.

I rap anyways.

He pauses and looks at me. He reaches his hand out for a dap.

“That was really dope man. For real.”

“Thank you. Any advice for me?”

“Just keep going.”

“Well I really appreciate your time bro. Thank you and it was nice meeting you.”

At least that’s how I imagined I would say it in a normal mind-state, but it was probably something like that. I start walking away.

“What - you’re not even gonna walk with me to the car bro? Come walk with me. My car is that way.”

Who am I to turn down that offer.

“Man you got a good thing going.”

“I know I’m a white boy in hip-hop so I know my place.”

“No man, that’s your thing. It’s unexpected. But it hits even harder because of that.”

“So just keep working and roll with that?”

“Yeah just keep going. Matter of fact, let my man get your number.”

He yells at his man “yo, come get my boy’s number!”

He takes my number and Takeoff says

“What’s your name bro?”

“Jeremy”

“Nice to meet you Jeremy.”

We shake hands (like a legitimate handshake. It was incredible).

I walk back into the elevator and accidentally go back up. Luckily I didn’t go all the way back to the office. I go back down to the main floor and walk out.

I facetime Justin and as I’m in the middle of the story of what just happened because I’m still in disbelief - and need to tell someone in case I forget it and think it was all a dream - my phone dies. F*ck.

I’m in the middle of Burbank with no phone and no car. I walk up to a Starbucks and they don’t have a phone charger. They also don’t have any Vanilla scones. I’m rattled. I tell the guy working that I just met Migos and he tells me he is a videographer. I grab his email. The closest phone charger is at the hospital across the street.

I walk all the way into the ER room and find a phone charger. I smell terrible. I probably look terrible. I plug in my phone and start eating my cold pasta. I have a talk with an older lady sitting in front of me about how reliant we are on our cell phones and how I try to be present. She is from Minnisota so she knows the cold.

“Everyone shuts down in the rain here. But in Canada the snow is way worse, so this is light.”

“I’m from Minnisota so I know exactly how you feel.”

“What’s your greatest piece of life advice.”

After she stopped and thought about it for a while, she said

“Just keep moving. If there is a brick wall, just find a way through it or ride the wave around it.”

So an 80-year-old woman in the ER room and a member of the Migos just gave me the same career advice. Life is amazing.

Friday Night

John has free tickets to a comedy roast battle show hosted by Roast Master Jeff Ross and with guest judges Snoop Dogg and Anthony Jeselnick.

We get there after picking up two of John’s lady friends. Great girls.

We finesse our way down to the front of the stage in classic LA style and have a great view of the performance. Snoop Dogg starts lighting up his classic blunts – it has always been a life goal of mine to smoke Snoop’s or Wiz’ weed. I don’t know why. Even when I had never smoked in my life.

I remember being in Gladiator studios in Winnipeg with my guys Rawg and Purdy listening to the final mixes of my second mixtape “Freshman Orientation,” and they were smoking from a bong. Rawg said, “yo, you wanna hit this?”

“Nah man I’m good.”

“What if Snoop passed you the blunt?”

“I would hit it!”

“What I’m not famous enough for you?” We laughed about it. But it was the truth.

The crowd started to chant “pass that shit.”

Snoop passes the blunt into the crowd and it makes its way right in front of me before burning out. I get oddly excited.

Then I forget about the dream of hitting Snoop’s weed and but someone taps me on the back and hands me a joint.

“Is that Snoop’s weed?”

“Yup.”

John takes a picture of it and I take the last hit left in the joint. I felt high just from that.

We go to Roscoes chicken and waffles and cap off a day that still feels like it’s lasted a lifetime. Life is amazing.

Lessons:

Stay True To Yourself:

I think I got too caught up in the moment and did some things that I may not have otherwise done if I wasn’t in the environment of stars. I should trust my instincts a bit more and be true to who I am. Believe in who you are because that will always be enough. Don’t fall into your environment, create your environment.

You’re in the Right Place for a Reason

I really can’t be mad at anything that happened though because it all lead to another amazing place. I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Trust the process like I always say.

Believe in Yourself and Your Dreams

Cliche. I know. But if you can imagine it then it really can happen. I used to dream about this sh*t. And now it’s my reality. If you can picture it in your head, it really can happen. Once you know that secret, life it really fun.

It Could All End Tomorrow - Appreciate Where You’re At

Sometimes I just need to take a second to appreciate where I’m at in life because I know how blessed I am to be having these experiences. It’s true - it could all end tomorrow. So I am so thankful. I pray every night before bed and thank God and I wake up every morning and thank God. Take a minute to keep yourself humble. 

I think I have enough stories to last a lifetime now. But the movie keeps on rolling. Thank you for reading. I’m still waiting to wake up