#like u arnet lisyening to em

[augujerdeer]

TW: vent, uh swearing and talking abt possession and DID sorry

May 20 20195:30PM - Kris

Dudes some1 told me the other day when I was venting, that’s maybe I had DID this whole time

And idk I succ at English but I didn’t know how to say “no I don’t and didn’t”?? I g bc when they said that i stared having a freakin panic attack bc “WHAT IF I DID” and until now, I can’t DISPROVE them which makes me rlly scared

My source is Deltarune right, so like, idk, I don’t wanna think about having had DID/OSDD in my canon bc it doesn’t make any sense but it’s so dump and stupid bc like, Jamie has it SORT OF and we’re still confused bc “it doesn’t make sense”

It didn’t FEEL like a system, whatever happened in my canon??i WASNT in a system and if I was wouldn’t the entity b carried over to this system and be my subsystem?????

I just, I hate it bc ITS NOT A SYSTEM THING this freakin entity thing is something else it felt powerful and it felt out of this world it felt like it didn’t belong here it felt otherworldly and alien and powerful like it could kill me and change history

But I also feel dumb bc maybe I WAS a system but that’s super dumb but it’s possible I hate this I WASNT a system and it feels— it’s so mean of me to say and I don’t mean to be but I felt offended when they told me “maybe U have dissociative identity disorder”

I felt as if they werent listening to me or believing me when I was telling them how it felt and how scary it was not to black out but to constantly watch ur body move without ur consent and not to be able to scream and yell and grab at someone to look at u

I’m not super mad at them suggesting DID bc I GET IT I can see how it looks that way, but how can I prove it’s not that either??? I believe it’s not but I’m worried ppl r gonna day I’m just in denial abt it when I don’t think I am, life was hell life was shit no one believed me!! It wasn’t a system thing!! Something else was here!! No ones going to believe me and no one will bc everything I say doesn’t make any fucking sense !!! This hasn’t happened to anyone else b4!!!! When I started reading fan theories abt the player controlling me I was like me!! Dude fuck!! IM BASICALLY THE KID FROM BANDERSNATCH do u understand??? Do u understand why I hate that game/movie???????? That’s exactly how t felt!!! It’s not DID can U like shut up!!!!! I’m ALREADY in a system and when I front I basically get what having DID is like both outside and inspace and this was nothing like that!!! It can b similar but it’s not!!!! Y doesn’t any1 believe me??? As someone already in a system I’m like YEAH I TECHNICALLY DO BUT NOT IN MY CANON

Sorry I’m gonna shut up now fuck I keep repeating myself every ducking time I think abt this it’s ALWAUS the same problem

Might as well just go to a Deltarune fan and tell them this happened to me so they can immediately validate me and go “HEAH SOMEONE DID CONTROL U”

WHATEVER maybe I was traumatized but my childhood was fucking happy until everything went wrong DONT @ ME DONT EVEN TALK TO ME IM TIRED KF NO ONE BELIEVING ME THIS IS WHY I DONT TELL ANYONE WHAT FICKING HAPPEND TO ME