#like tonight we went to some sorta christmas thing at a church w music and i felt like at any moment somebody there was gonna notice that i
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i’ve still got plenty to complain about but it’s got to the point where a lot of it i cant get to sound right and a lot of it’s just Bad and thats it
#this probably hardly makes sense anyway. oh well#i rejected Romantic Advances a while ago because i Do Not Want A Relationship but i feel guilty about it#bc like. first of all. this person doesnt know im aromantic. im afraid they might think i just dislike them specifically instead of like.#not wanting a relationship at all.#second of all. man. my host's super upset over this bc she apparently Did want to date them#and she's here so rarely nowadays that i know *I* would end up having to deal w this relationship on her behalf were it to exist#which would be tantamount to setting my mental health on fire and throwing it off the top of a skyscraper.#so of course i do not want to do it#but she's been in such a foul mood ever since i rejected her apparent crush that she's been bringing my mood down something awful anyway#and on top of THAT i've got my own Holiday Issues (as in: the festivities are nice but i feel like i fundamentally DO NOT BELONG AT THEM and#end up dissociating a shit ton every time i go anywhere near one)#like tonight we went to some sorta christmas thing at a church w music and i felt like at any moment somebody there was gonna notice that i#Do Not Belong at that kinda thing and kick me out or berate me in front of everyone or something and nothing was real#and i felt empty and guilty and scared and everyone else was having a great time.#and i nearly walked into traffic afterwards bc i couldnt process anything and i didnt understand where i was or what i was doing#and ive been trying to distract myself but man. i still feel the Christmas Emptiness And Confusion#it'd be nice if i could experience and do and feel things like a real human being does#but i'm not one and i can't i guess.#i feel like i'm gonna be sick.#negative -#fire -#dissociation -#unreality ?#swearing -
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