#like thx u rlly r the worlds most useless parent ill just save us all the trouble and off myself u fucking waste of space

[beaniebitch69]

word salad ahead me boy!

while my parents rnt completely all bark and no bite the only thing they can seem to ever do is talk, lecture, rant, bemoan, belittle, word vomit (salad?), talk down to, and over-explain anything and everything that they think they want me to know as if i dont already (at least most of the time😑) know what "message" ur trying to columnist into my head by proxy of being in the same place at the same time and usually bc i Am the problem that screwed everything up. so thx for the constant and unprompted "heres how u screwed up"s, what u shoulda done"s, "what I woulda done's bc trust me even with my flaws i and everyone else would have done it a million times better, and i know i never give u time to speak or defend urself but its only bc i dont see this as an attack on ur character like u do! even tho weve been playing this exact same song and dance since u were kneehigh: eventually giving me Definitely Undeserved attitude after X amount of times of me talking at u after a Situation that, at this point in time since u werent 10, would probably have left u crying or abt to. this exact scenario happening and me being too thick in the head to actually fucking put 2 and 2 together or fucking change or do anything besides whats easy bc im a fucking lazy peice of shit monster times 2 who wont spare more than my words and even then theyre shitty words just meant to keep us afloat to the next joyous moment bc thats all a family is to me :)"

woops srry, by easy i meant they called me sensitive and dramatic and would always react Big (i say big but i mean mean and callous. or should i say dismissive? i mean im not mad that their 1st priority was always fixing the situation but when they did that i felt like i couldnt talk abt it anymore. its in the past get over it) whenever i started crying and not doing anything in front of them. yrs later my mom says shed get mad at me crying its bc shes pissed that all im doing is sitting and crying, maybe it wouldve been better if she never told me that... it makes me feel awful. every day its almost like i learn something else i do or live like that pisses her off. but im an adult now its fine everyone has things their loved one do that piss them off! its natural!

too bad everything she does pisses me off

but when i say that i feel terrible inside

my dads worse, on account of doing even less with more (fake) bravado. honestly im deeply disappointed in my parents. like no joke, this is like failing a bird class, like what did u 2 think was gonna happen? sure ive got hindsight but looking back u 2 either dont trust urselves so ur taking a more "hands-off" approach where u only do things ur confident in and expect ur kid to come to u whenever they have a problem (which i get, but u guys never built that 100% ford certified trust in me: everytime i came to u u were useless or harmful), Or ur idiots who i should stop trying to get anything out of bc ull never give me what i want (maybe im too picky in what i want? i should be happy with anything they give me, but i dont want to be a pussy bitch like that. im too proud to accept pain and if im not i will be.).

i can dish it but i cant take it. maybe im expecting too much? i dont expect them to be perfect, trying to get them to at least acknowledge whatever pain they caused me and my brother would be too much. mainly bc the only way to get them to is by having a very emotional argument and once we get to that point theyre only goal is to win the argument. so they only ever use it to advance their argument or as a stepping stone to disparage mine. thats why i hate even talking to them unless theyre on cloud 9 bc inevitably well disagree and/or just start an argument itll ramp up bc they always raise their voices and i either shutdown and cry (which pisses my mom off and makes her argue More for some fucking reason the bitch of a woman (her fav saying is "u cant teach an old dog new tricks" and uses it for herself often (her other is "insantiy is doing the same thing and expecting a different result" i hate that one bc the 1st time i heard it it was directed at me, tho now sometimes shell say im acting wrong or insane whenever im abt to lose it or somtimes just crying)) if ur no better than a dog then i hate u for trying to make me look up to and love someone who isnt even better than a Fucking DOG) or try to defend myself. now im thinking back to all the times i went thinking to defend myself, did i rlly need to defend myself? what even is defending urself? insecure ppl r constanly defending themselves, against real and imagined threats, tho usually theyre imagined. am i just insecure? am i even defending myself or am i just listing the ways they wronged me? typing that last question makes me feel spoiled. i mean i Do usually get what i want in the end, sue me, but... well im old enough now i can think critically and i know my flaws, i can and should do more. but its so impossible with them, but i bet they think the same of me, my 2 disappointing parents