#like this next work week i am going to be having good lunch...hopefully i don't have to work through my lunch again but its aight because

[firsttraintovictoriaville]

i’m sure there’s like a scientific reason for it related to hunter-gatherer times or whatev but nothing feels as good as coming home from grocery shopping and putting away your groceries and then looking at them like ah yes, I have provided for myself 

[a-b-riddle]

Part Five

Can't stop thinking about the attempt of reconciliation and reader ain't having it. Our girl is going to be wilddddd y'all. Also goodnight. See y'all tomorrow (maybe)

You call Meredith when you get home.

You. Are. Fuming. She's not sure she can ever remember a time you using so many swear words at one time.

How fucking dare them? Immature? You're the immature one? You were the one trying your best to salvage four failing relationship meanwhile none of those assholes could be bothered to try and keep one. They had one person to manage: you.

"I wanna go out this weekend." "Wear something tight and borderline risk indecent exposure."

"You know what I always say," Meredith begins. "The best way to get over someone-"

"is to get under someone else." You finish. You weren't exactly keen on the idea of bringing someone to your bed just yet, but a little attention would do you some good. "I don't want to fuck someone just yet." You admitted. "I'm more on the getting drunk and making out."

"I didn't know we resorted back secondary school heavy petting?" She teased.

"University, Dear." You corrected. "I didn't peak until after I graduated."

"No." She argued. "You didn't put your books down long enough to realize that boys actually wanted to fuck you." You were glad she couldn't see you roll your eyes. "Saturday work for you? I have a late night Friday and won't be up for it."

"That works."

"Sorry." She apologized. "I plan on getting you absolutely smashed so I need to be ready to play the nanny. I know how you love to get drunk and run off."

It was true. You had always found it hilarious when you were drunk to just run. Quite literally run away. It got to a point during university where Meredith would handcuff you to her so you didn't stray.

"I won't run." Your sober mind promised.

"Uh huh." Meredith's tone told you that she knew that was a load of shit. "I'll text Tabs. Let her know the plan."

The next day at the shop was pretty uneventful. No more unexpected visitors. You still had them all blocked. Not caring if now they decided to offer up some bullshit apology.

Months. This had been a steady decline for six months. A text or a simply sorry won't fix this. You weren't sure anything could.

But it didn't matter. You were done and they obviously were too.

You had picked up enough take out to feed a family, but you didn't plan on making your lunch before work or cooking when you got home. The rest of the week you planned on just going through the motions until you could go out Saturday and hopefully get everything out.

You weren't paying attention as you walked down the hallway to your flat. Fishing in your purse for keys. You were at almost at your door when you saw him.

Sitting next to your door was a familiar face. A face you felt you haven't seen in forever.

“What are you doing here, Kyle?" Your voice was flat as you continued to blindly try and find your keys with one hand. Fuck. You really need to clean out your purse...

“My key wouldn’t work.” He explained. "So I’m out here.”

"I'm aware why you're not in my apartment since I changed the locks," you said, trying to keep your irritation at bay. "What I am asking is why did you come here?"

"You won't return any of our messages."

"You're all blocked, so technically I didn't really get any messages." "Besides, you don't get to complain to me about not responding to texts, Kyle Garrick." Your fingers finally wraps around them. God bless. "If you're here for your things, it'll have to wait. I have to sort through everyone's shit and I don't know whose is whose."

"We need to talk." He explains as you put the key into the lock, opening the door.

"Nah," you say scrunching your nose in that way he used to adore. "I'm good. But you can swing by tomorrow and pick up your things if you'd like." You say before trying to shut the door on him. You were stupid in thinking you could be faster than him.

Dammit.

"I know things haven't been good and I've definitely could have been better,'' he admits. "But can you at least try and let us apologize? Let us try and work it out."

"No." You answered, trying to close the door. Not caring if you had to resort to kicking his shins to get him out.

"Why not?" He countered.

“Maybe because I've already tried, Kyle?” You gave up on trying to shut him out. You were strong, but he didn't have any issues in besting you. “Because I actually tried with you. With all of you. You didn’t need to come here giving me excuses about your life being hectic because I’ve made the excuses for you.” You didn't miss how he practically flinched. He had always blamed his busy life. Family. Work. You stopped caring about whatever excuse he gave you and realized it was just that. An excuse. “I’ve been telling myself for months that everything you guys didn’t do for me wasn’t because you didn’t care about me. It was because of the stress of your deployments is the reason none of you tell me when you get back from until it’s time to fuck. I tell myself it’s because of the fucked up situation of me being with all of you that makes it awkward to meet your families. Families you all have that I now know I’m not worthy of meeting.” He wanted to correct you. You were. You were worthy. He was an idiot. “It’s not that I need your excuses to make me feel like what you did was justified. No matter what it was, it was apparently to you because you did it.”

He took a step back, processing everything you had said. He had been selfish. You were the reliable constant in his life. Someone he believed he never disappointed. Someone he couldn't disappoint no matter how many times he fucked up.

You took the opportunity to slam the door. Quickly turning the lock before he had a chance to open it back up.

God...

That felt good.

You had spent that evening collecting their thing in case Kyle did show back up tomorrow. You wouldn't make their lives easier by sorting all their shit and organizing it. Everything. One box. Let them figure it out. You almost had a mind to add a shirt that you knew didn't belong to any of them just to have them argue over it. Or least make them think there was someone else...

You were almost tempted if not for the premise that you wanted them to realize this was their fault. Their fuck up. But now that you were officially all broken up, you were free game.

[burning-academia-if]

Hi again. If you've been around a while you're probably going to be like "Em, again??" But guess who got sick for the 6th time this year and this time it was a full on chest infection!! It has been three weeks, and somehow I am still Not Free!!

Anyway, BA fell to the wayside this month because it was Velox Fabula time and I've yet to miss a Velox jam (also...chest infection). I also needed to get my sudden and newfound Pirates of the Caribbean obsession out of the way so! I made a short pirate visual novel for the jam and I'm normal again. I also released the prologue of my side IF To Taste Sweet Silver (@sweetsilver-if) just to have it out. Feel free to check it out if you want, but it likely won't be updated for a while as I'm shifting gears back to BA for September!

I don't have much to report but:

UI update should be out in the next week or two depending on how I'm feeling. It won't look like much to y'all since it's more for my sake via cleaning up the code LOL but there were things added (friendship indicators, open dyslexic font option, character page updated, stat page updated, glossary page added) I'm not a graphic designer but it's better organized I think. There won't be an Official Post about it because it isn't new content, but I will make a small announcement when it's out. It'll also include the originally deleted Lars/Zoe/Nevio lunch scene in Chapter 2 as well. Sorry this is taking so long, I just really struggle with the coding side of things which has made the process slow.

Writing in August was also slow, and honestly, I think I really needed those few weeks off not thinking about BA. My inbox being very quiet helped as well, so I really did take a real break from BA. When I opened up the writing doc, I felt a whole lot better about working on BA again, and we have hit 100k words finally!

Anyway, I don't want to lament much, but I did have a personal goal of releasing up to Chapter 4 this year which obviously is Not Going to Happen. It honestly sucks I got sick so often this year because it cut into so much time for creative projects, be it BA or anything else.

I'm not really going to be hard on myself for it, though. I think releasing 3 chapters this year considering everything that kept Going Wrong this year is actually pretty good. I just think its annoying when I know I could have done it but the universe said no instead akfjalfa Anyway, I'm not sure when Chapter 3 will release but I do have a good feeling about September and I think I'll be able to at least get a decent chunk done this month!

Finally, September marks the one year anniversary for this blog and October marks the one year anniversary of BA releasing!! I feel like I literally just started writing this, the fact it's September already is wild.

I was going to do art commissions, but due to surprise car issues, I don't really have the money for that now (next year for sure though!!), so I was thinking of maybe doing character Q&As to celebrate? I've also seen some authors do raffles, but I'm not entirely sure what I would raffle off? Maybe personalized short stories with readers MCs if there's interest in that? I'm not sure yet, but I have a month to figure it out lol

But also thank you to everyone who has followed along!! It's been a really fun time both writing BA and on the blog. I know I say this a lot, but I'm really glad this is such a chill place. It's nice for me the author obviously, but it's also nice because I always want the spaces I have to feel like safe places for others as well so! Thanks again!

Lastly, I normally would end on a little snippet or preview but since most of what I wrote was just the two different openings, I feel like I have nothing fun to tease (or maybe I'm too picky about snippets idk). Hopefully Zoe's bday post tomorrow makes up for it, and I'll post some snippets later in the month instead!

Thanks for reading!

[a1307s]

Very Good or Very Bad

(Jaime Reyes)

[Art is not mine! Credit to PollyGuo]

Requested by: Aiko424 

Keys:

Y/N: Your Name

Word Count: 6880

Warnings and/or Pre-notes:

Cursing

Super long, so my bad

Cállate. Por favor, cállate tu molesto bicho: "Shut up. Please, just shut up you annoy bug"

———————————————————————

"You're shaking," I say to a twig of a guy nervously looking down at his phone. Ever since I not so accidentally blew up an abandoned building a few weeks ago Wally - my older brother - won't let me walk myself anywhere. Given, I blew up the building to save the lives of innocent - and stupid - citizens of Central City but he didn't want to hear any of that. So, I've been stuck on a leash ever since.

Most of the time Wally himself, Artemis, or Dick pick me up and walk me home, but Dick is on medical rest and Wally and Artemis left for Gotham this morning to visit her parents. You'd assume that would get me off my leash, ya? No. Instead of letting me go to Gotham too or trusting me to watch myself they asked Dick to watch me for the next week.

Since he's on medical leave, all Dick can do is relax so no hero work and definitely no patrolling Blüdhaven. Since Wayne Junior got himself injured, he's not allowed to leave Mount Justice so that Barbra and M'gann can monitor him. Also because of this, I'm stuck being walked home by the league members and being stuck in a rock box with Wally's old - and new - team mates, which doesn't seem like a fun time.

By lunch Richard texted to tell me 'Jaime has a half day so he's coming to pick you up'. After a quick description - skinny Hispanic boy that talks to himself and has a beetle on his back - I had an idea of who to look for after school.

"I'm not shaking," Says - hopefully - Jaime. "I'm just cold."

"You're just a lair," I say back, taking a sidestep to look for this beetle imprint Grayson mentioned before. An imprint is present so I'm pretty sure this is the right guy. "Why are you shaking?"

"I am not shaking and even if I was shaking it might - or might not - be because I'm terrified of Nightwing and what will happen to me if something happens to you," Jaime races out, constantly glancing down at his phone.

"Mmkay, a little paranoid of you," I say, grabbing the guy's wrist and heading towards the school gates. "I don't know where I'm going," I tell him, dropping his wrist and reaching into my bag for my phone.

"Umm... that way... I think?" He says, glancing to the left after burning holes into his phone with his eyes.

"Let me see," I say, tilting his phone to look at the directions. "Do you not know how to read a map? A google map, nonetheless? We got to go to the right."

"Oh, okay" Jaime says, moving to my side to start heading down the street. As Dick mentioned, he constantly whispers to himself as we walk down the road.

"So, like do you talk to yourself cause you're crazy or?" I ask, glancing at him before turning back to the sidewalk in front of us.

"I'm not crazy," Jaime answers before continuing to whisper to himself. "I'm not crazy," he repeats.

I hum in response before turning to walk backwards so I'm facing Jaime. "People that aren't crazy usually don't have to state it," I say, locking my eyes on him. His eyes are a brown color whereas I got the signature green West color.

"In my defense, you asked," he says, constantly moving his head around as if it's on a swivel.

"Touche," I answer, folding my hands behind my head as I continue to walk. "So, Jaime Reyes, what's so big and bad about you?"

"Big and bad?"

"Ya, like why are you a hero and all? What's so special about you that Batman was like 'oh ya this kid can totally beat the shit out of villains'?" I ask, amusingly watching Jaime having a mini freak out.

"Um... There's an alien parasite on my spine I guess," He answers nervously, glancing down at his phone before doing another environment check.

"You guess? There either is or isn't and I feel like you would know," I voice, rethinking if he really is a hero or if Bruce just happened to adopt another kid by accident.

"Yes, there is one. What's with all the questions?"

"I just like to know who's hanging around my brother and uncles is all," I answer, going to turn face front again.

Despite me counting my paces, I'm closer to the street than I thought, which leads me slap dab in the road. "Be careful," Jaime snaps, grabbing the hood of my hoodie and pulling me back on to the sidewalk. "Nightwing would kill me if you got ran over."

"One, Nightwing wouldn't kill you. Artemis might but Nightwing would just lecture you and me. And two, there isn't any cars coming so it's not like I would have gotten ran over," I tell him, slightly smiling at the distress on his face. "You're like super stressed out about this. Why are you stressing so hard?"

"I'm not stressed out," Jaime answers, not letting go of my hoodie as we walk across the street.

"I've known you for like five minutes and you've already lied twice. Batman must be having a field day with you."

"You don't know me," He answers, stopping once we are safely back on the sidewalk to check the directions again. "And I've never met Batman, so I don't know what he thinks of me."

"He thinks you have emotional regulation issues," I say, repeating what Bruce told me last month about the newest member on Nightwing's hero squad.

Jaime glances up from his phone to me a few times before pulling me in the direction he decided on. "Did he really say that?"

"Ya, but he didn't mean it in a 'I'm better than everyone' way. It was a more of 'Yo, Nightwing your underling has this issue and here's how to help with it' way I guess," I answer, focusing on Jaime's face. He's quite a pretty boy when he's not in the middle of a panic attack.

"Well Nightwing says you're a reckless air head," My escort says, pretty upset about the information I've shared with him.

"I know I am. I take after Wally." I shift the collar of my hoodie to get more comfortable with Jaime tugging on it. He notices and drops his hold on my clothing.

When Jaime figures out which way to go, he grabs on to my wrist and starts walking again. "Ya? You take after Wally in any other ways?"

"Not really. I mean I have his humor but that's about it."

Jaime suddenly stops, causing me to bump into his back. It's a lot more toned than I thought it would be and there most definitely is a beetle attached to his spine. "You're not a speedster?" He asks, turning his head to look at me.

"Hm? Oh, no I'm not. I'm more of a retro hero like Nightwing and Artemis," I answer, moving myself to stand next to him instead of being dragged behind.

"Why aren't you a speedster? Genetic skip or something?"

"Well we don't really know how it'll work with Barry and Wally's genetics yet since neither have had kids. Barry got his abilities in a freak accident and then Wally got them by coping said freak accident," I explain, taking in the soft coloring of Jaime's skin.

The phone booth portal thingy Bruce invented is sat in front of us, so I take the chance to say, "You're really hot," before wiggling out of his hold and slip through the phone booth.

"What?" Jaime voice echos through the empty training room when he slips in after me.

Unlucky for him, I'm already in the living room and in Richard's grasp. "You're getting so big," my make shift Uncle cries, squeezing me in his arms and covering the crown of my head in kisses.

"You literally saw me last week," I murmur, rolling my eyes as I try to wiggle out of his grasp.

"And since then you've definitely gotten taller," Richard says, followed with a whine when I mange to get out of his hold. The tantrum doesn't last long though. When Jaime enters the room, Nightwing's attention is switch from me to the beetle boy. "Jaime! Good job not losing Y/N on the walk here!"

"You really paint me out to be some teenage dirt bag don't you?" I ask, swinging open the fridge in search of a snack.

"No I don't! You're just... a lot like Wally."

"You mean I'm a reckless air head?" I tease, pulling out a cheese stick before plopping myself on one of the arm chairs.

Nightwing's masked eyes get bigger before he sneaks a glance at Barbra. "Bsh... no... I would never call you that. That's so-"

"Out of line for a grown man to insult a young girl?" I finish for him, watching as he accuses Barbra of spilling the beans through his eyes.

"Just go do your homework or something," Richard says, using his crunches to storm out of the room. It was quite a funny sight, watching him trying to storm out with a broken leg.

————————————

"Oh it's you again," I say, sneaking up on Jaime who's waiting at the front gate to walk me home again.

The blue of the beetle armor pokes out from under Jaime's sleeves before disappearing again. I must have really scared him then. Since Mr 'you don't know me' avoided me all day yesterday I decided to check Bruce's file on him. It was an interesting read to say the least.

"It's me again," He repeats, doing a look up and down of me before pushing himself off the gate he was leaning on. "You're not wearing a hoodie today," He comments, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Ya, I don't like people using the hood to walk me like a dog," I answer, holding the straps of my book-bag as we walk. "You have another half day today?"

"No," Jaime answers shortly, his head back to being on a swivel.

"Then why are you walking me again? Isn't El Paso like 700 miles away or something?"

"Something like that but Mount Justice is even further away from here but it's only a ten minute walk for us," Jaime answers, stepping around me so he's closer to the street.

"True, but you wouldn't have time to get out of class and get here to pick me up even with the Zeta Tube," I comment, watching as Jaime's eyes lock on the street corner begger. His name is Connie and he chills on the street corner around this time and during the before school rush in the morning. Connie is an okay guy but he is quite quick to anger.

"What does it matter?" Jaime asks, switching which side he's standing on so that he's closer to the begger. His hand wraps around my wrist as we past Connie and cross the street.

"I'm just curious," I answer, constantly glance at Jaime's hand on my wrist.

"Curiosity killed the cat. Also, how'd you know I was from El Paso?" Jaime asks, glancing around the new stretch of sidewalk. His hand stays very much latched around my wrist as he does so.

"Barbra mentioned you were from Texas, so I just took a guess at one of the bigger cities within the state," I answer, holding my breath in hopes he'll buy the lie. He does, luckily, and leaves our conversation to die off. "So.... you get in trouble at school or something?" I ask after a couple minutes of silence.

"I got suspended," He answers, tugging me in front of him as a group of other teens walk past. The mix of holding my wrist and walking so close to me causes Jaime to bump into me every couple steps. His chest is hard, even harder than Bruce's. When I glance down his fingers are coated in the black armor I recognize from the photos in his file. Does he feel threatened by me or by the baseball players walking past? It has to be me, right? I'm a trainee of Kid Flash, Nightwing, and Batman himself. How the fuck would my school's baseball players threaten him?

"For what?" I ask, glancing up at my repeated escort. Jaime's jaw is tight, and his eyebrows are squinted together.

He makes whispers in Spanish under his breath - which I don't understand, before he answers me. "Does it matter?"

"Why are you so pissy today? For someone that was bitching yesterday about me not knowing them, you're not very open with me." Jaime glances down at me but doesn't say anything in response. Instead, he lets go of my wrist and shifts himself between the road and me again.

The rest of the walk is uneventful other than a cardinal crossing our path. Jaime did not find my excitement over the bird very interesting though. He just mumbled to himself and dragged me the rest of the way to the phone booth. When we get to the hidden zeta tube, I go to step into it but Jaime pulls me back. "Hey, what did you say yesterday?" He asks, eyes locked on me and hands locked around my wrists.

————————————

Jaime's POV

What the fuck? What the fuck?! Why am I the one picking up Nightwing's niece? Nightwing's arsonist niece. Who blew up a building. Heroes blow up buildings all the time. Heroes around my age do not blow-up buildings! Except Kid Flash's little sister apparently!

I nervously glance at my phone again, re-reading Nightwing's description of his niece for the hundredth time. What if I can't find her? What if I mistake another kid for her? What if I bring another kid to the mountain on accident? That would definitely get me kicked off the team. Or murdered! Do heroes murder? I don't think so... well.. Arsenal does. Would he kill me? Nightwing wouldn't let him kill me... right? Artemis's parents kill people and she's technically this girl's sister-in-law, right? Would Sport-Master kill me for accidentally abounding Artemis's sister-in-law?

What if some freak accident happens on the walk to the Mount? Nightwing would defiantly kill me if his niece got hurt on my watch. Or Wally would... or Artemis... or Batman. Oh my God I forgot about Batman. I bet Batman would throughout his no kill rule for this chick. I mean his son refers to this chick as his niece. That like technically makes this girl his granddaughter.

"I will not let Batman - or anyone else - hurt us," Scarab says, which does not help my train of thought. I'm totally going to get murdered.

In retaliation to my thoughts, Scarab tries to activate my armor. "We do not need that right now. Not needed," I whisper to myself; Well technically to the Scarab but might as well be one in the same. "Can't you just like scan people and let me know who does fit the description?"

"Yes. Please read the description." I whisper the description out loud a few times before a bell rings. "Scanning has commenced," Scarab says as I look around at the different people spilling out of the building. "Jaime Reyes, your high epinephrine levels have caused you to start shaking," the parasite adds.

"High levels of what is causing what?" I ask, glancing down at my phone to read the description again.

"Your high levels of epinephrine has called what humans have named 'anxiety'. Your body is trying to release this 'anxiety' by shaking," the bug answers. "Suspect has been-"

"You're shaking," A voice says from behind me.

"-identified," Scarab finishes. Way too many noises are going on right now, both inside and outside my head.

I turn to look at the person behind me and wouldn't you know, she fits the description perfectly. "I'm not shaking. I'm just cold," I answer, taking in the girl in front of me. She's the spitting image of Wally. Her eyes are the same green as his and her hair is red but not the same red as Wally's. Maybe it's dyed or maybe she just got different genetic pigments than Wally.

"You are shaking Jaime Reyes, and you are not cold. Your body temperature is ninety-nine point four degrees Fahrenheit. From the high levels of resorcinol in her hair, the girl does not have natural red hair," Scarab says, answering my question.

     "You're just a lair," Y/N says, taking a sidestep and decking her head to get a glance at my back. Ya, this definitely has to be her. "Why are you shaking?" She asks, setting herself back in front of me.

     She has freckles. Really cute freckles. How old is she? I glance down at my phone again to read Nightwing's description again. From his explanation Y/N is only a year younger than me. "Jaime Reyes, suspect is waiting for you to answer."

     Oh shit, ya, I haven't answered her yet. In my rush to answer her without it seeming like I ignored her; I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. "I'm not shaking and even if I was shaking it might - or might not - be because I'm terrified of Nightwing and what will happen to me if something happens to you." What the fuck kind of answer was that? That was such a loser answer.

"Jaime Reyes, you are shaking. You're shaking because you're scared of Nightwing, Wally, Artemis, Sports-Master, Arsenal, and Batman," The Scarab says, making me even more annoyed with my own name.

     "Mmkay, a little paranoid of you," Y/N says before grabbing my wrist. Her skin is super soft against my own. This can't be the touch of an arsonist, right? It's too soft, too smooth, too gentle. I willingly follow her as she walks away from the building and off the school grounds until she comes to an abrupt stop.

     She drops my wrist, causing a tinge of sadness to rise in my chest. Why am I sad that she's not touching me anymore? I don't even know this girl with cute freckles that dyes her hair red to match her brother's. "Subject has caused an increase in your phenylethylamine levels. When subject let go of you, your phenylethylamine dropped which is causing the human emotion of 'sadness'."

     "I don't know where I'm going," Y/N says, messing around in her bag. After a couple seconds she pulls out her cellphone. I take the chance to type the address Nightwing sent me into my phone.

     I keep glancing between my phone and Y/N as she checks her notifications. She doesn't answer any of them and instead slips the phone into her hoodie pocket. She stands there, staring at me. Her eyes are bright and so full of life. "Subject's levels of catecholamines has slightly risen," Scarab says, replacing my thoughts with their voice.

     "I don't know what that means," I mumble, looking down at my phone again to try and focus on the directions.

     "Subject is experiencing 'annoyance' from your lack of answering."

     "Umm..." I mumble, glancing at my phone again. "That way... I think..." I say, glancing to the left. Why is it so hard to focus right now? She's just a girl. I'm around girls all day. I go to school with girls all day, and then go fight crime with girls all night, and then go home to a house full of girls. She is just a girl.

     Y/N takes a step forward and reaches out towards me. "Let me see," she says, her fingertips pressing against my phone so she can view it. Her nails are black, but her ring finger has a blue stripe on it. That's cute. It reminds me of Nightwing's suit. Oh shit, Nightwing is going to kill me if our walk keeps lagging from my lack of awareness. "Do you not know how to read a map?" She asks, looking up at me with those big fucking beanie baby eyes. "A google map, nonetheless? We have to go right," she says, turning right and starting to walk in that direction.

     "Oh, okay," I peep out, taking wide strides to catch up to her.

     "Subject is effecting your chemical balances. Recommendation: Illumination," Scarab says, in their nonchalant way.

     "Illumination? Illumination? Maybe let's not 'illuminate' Batman's granddaughter, ya? Batman is not an enemy I want to have in this lifetime or the next," I fight back, trying to keep my voice low so Y/N doesn't hear me.

     "Recommendation: Illuminate subject and Batman."

     "The fuck you mean 'illuminate Batman'? How about we illuminate no one? That sounds like a good recommendation."

     "So, like do you talk to yourself cause you're crazy or?" Y/N asks, sneaking a peek at me before her eyes focus back to in front of her.

     "I'm not crazy," I rush out.

     "Subject is now causing a re-rising in your epinephrine levels," The parasite glued to my spine says.

     "You are causing the rise in my epine-whatever," I answer back, glancing at Y/N. "I'm not crazy," I repeat, worried she didn't hear me the first time.

     Y/N hums before turning on her heels. "People that aren't crazy usually don't have to state it," she peeps out, as her eyes look me up and down. She's now facing me as she takes steady backwards steps. The fuck is she doing this for? She's going to trip or get bumped into or fucking kidnapped easier cause she's not paying attention.

     "Subject is waiting for a response," Scarab says, causing me to mentally roll my eyes for the hundredth time today.

     "In my defense, you asked," I finally answer back, constantly looking around for any possible threats. Heaven rest my soul if I bring Y/N to the Mount with a scratch or a bruise on her. Nightwing - and then Wally - and then Artemis - and then Batman will skin me alive if she gets hurt in the ten minutes, she's in my care.

     "Touche," Y/N says, a bit of a whistle squeaking out with the word. She folds her arms behind her head as she opens her mouth to speak again, "So, Jaime Reyes, what's so big and bad about you?"

     Maybe I'm not annoyed with hearing my name today. She should say it again. Why the hell do I want her to say it again? And why the hell did she fold her arms up? That's making the situation even worse. What if she trips? She won't be able to catch herself. "Big and bad?" I ask, a bit confused after I register her words.

     "Ya, like why are you a hero and all? What's so special about you that Batman was like 'oh ya this kid can totally beat the shit out of villains'?" She asks, a soft smile gracing her face. A cute, soft smile that I can't enjoy because she can't walk like a normal person, so I have to be aware of every stupid thing including possible rocks on the freakin sidewalk!

     " Um... There's an alien parasite on my spine-"

     "Jaime Reyes! People should not know about us! This increases our chances of harm!" Just kidding, I'm back to being annoyed at hearing my name.

     "- I guess," I finish, mentally rolling my eyes again.

     "You guess? There either is or isn't and I feel like you would know," Y/N says before spacing out.

     Why is she spacing out? She should be focusing on walking and not tripping! She should be focused on getting to the Mountain unharmed. "Yes, there is one. What's with all the questions?" I ask, getting a little annoyed with her carelessness. Doesn't she realize her safety determines my safety?

     "I just like to know who's hanging around my brother and uncles is all," Y/N answers, turning on her heels again to face forward.

     'Uncles'?! So, she's related to more than just Nightwing? Who else is her uncle? That's the fucking road! As Y/N is turning around, she steps directly into the street. Panicked, I reach forward and grab the first thing I come in contact. "Be careful!" I yell at her, dragging her back to the safety of the sidewalk. "Nightwing would kill me if you got run over," the words spill out before I can stop them.

     I soft smile returns to Y/N's face before she speaks. "One, Nightwing wouldn't kill you. Artemis might but Nightwing would just lecture you and me. And two, there isn't any cars coming so it's not like I would have gotten ran over. You're like super stressed out about this. Why are you stressing so hard?"

"I'm not stressed out," I answer, looking back and forth on the road before tugging Y/N across by her hoodie.

     "Subject is correct; You are stressed Jaime Reyes." Ya no shit. My mentor - the Nightwing - entrusted me to walk his niece to the Mountain. His niece who is actively trying to get herself - and me - killed. Nightwing who won't murder me. Oh no, but his teammate - his best friend's girlfriend - will.

     "I've known you for like five minutes and you've already lied twice. Batman must be having a field day with you," Y/N says, glancing at me with mischievous eyes.

     Oh, ya Batman likes me so much that he hasn't met me. Everyone likes me so much that half of the team can't remember my name. Before I can stop myself, I answer her in anger, "You don't know me. And I've never met Batman, so I don't know what he thinks of me."

     Once we're back on the safe sidewalk, I take a chance to check the directions again to ensure we're heading in the right way. "He thinks you have emotional regulation issues," Y/N says, looking at the tree in front of us.

     He? Who's he? Is she talking about Batman? The old guy that dressed up as a bat because he can't deal with the loss of his parents thinks I have emotional regulation issues? I glance at Y/N throughout my thoughts before focusing us in the right direction. "Did he really say that?" I ask, even though I know there's no way an adult furry thinks I have issues. I don't have issues. I just have murderous alien technology attached to me.

     "Ya, but he didn't mean it in a 'I'm better than everyone' way. It was a more of 'Yo, Nightwing your underling has this issue and here's how to help with it' way I guess."

     The fuck does that mean? Once again, before I can stop myself, I answer in anger, "Well Nightwing says you're a reckless air head." He sure was right. Who walks into the road without looking first? What a stupid girl, a stupid person.

     "I know I am. I take after Wally," Y/N says softly, lifting up her colored nails again but this time she messes with her hoodie. I'm holding it a lot tighter than I mean too so I drop it, letting her walk freely again. Hopefully, not freely into the road again.

     "Ya? You take after Wally in other ways?" I ask her, actually curious if she has superspeed as well. I mean, she has too, right? Her brother is a speedster so why wouldn't she be one too? I take second to double check our direction again before starting the walk back up again. I make sure to grab her wrist instead of her hoodie this time because I'm not confident she won't walk into traffic again.

     "Not really. I mean, I have his humor but that's about it," Y/N says from behind me, a sad undertone buried in her words.

     I stop walking, taking a second to process her words and trying to get the Scarab to shut up so I can think clearly. From my unwarned stop, Y/N bumps into my back. She feels really warm against me and the smell of vanilla envelopes me. "You're not a speedster?" I ask, glancing behind me to take her in. Her eyes are wide, and cute, and very green. How are they so green?

     "Hm?" She asks, looking up at me, slightly softening her face. "Oh, no I'm not. I'm more of a retro hero like Nightwing and Artemis."

     Y/N moves herself so she's standing next to me instead of behind me like before. "Why aren't you a speedster? Genetic skip or something?" I ask, continuing to lead her forward again.

     "Well, we don't really know how it'll work with Barry and Wally's genetics yet since neither have had kids. Barry got his abilities in a freak accident and then Wally got them by coping said freak accident." What is up with these heroes? Are they all crazy? Am I going to go crazy too?

     I stay trapped in my thoughts until we are slap dap in front of the portal tube thing. I think Beast Boy called it a 'zeta tube' or something. "You're really hot," Y/N says before loosening my grip on her and disappearing into the tube thing.

     "What?" I ask but she's already gone. I follow her through the phone booth before re-asking my question. Unlucky for me, she's already gone from the training room. At least I lost her in the Mountain, I guess. I stand in the empty room for a second, replaying the moment a couple times. She definitely called me hot. Is that a good thing? It has to be a good thing.

     I shake the thought out of my head before walking into the common area of the Mountain. Great, there she is, right there, again. "Jaime!" Nightwing calls. "Good job not losing Y/N on the walk here!" Y/N responses but I don't stick around to hear how it plays out. I spend my time in the Mountain locked away in my assigned room so I could think over the events of the walk and the feelings I'm not sure I'm happy I'm feeling.

—————————————

Today has not been the best day. I'm still a bit off from walking Y/N home yesterday, which drizzled into my day today. Some guys at school were talking about her, well about her hero identity, not her specifically. They were still talking about her though and not very nicely. For whatever reason, I couldn't just let it go and ended up starting a fight about it, which got me a suspension from school. Mama is not going to be thrilled about that.

Nightwing on the other hand, seemed quite amused that I got suspended over his niece. So amused that he asked me to pick her up again. Instead of waiting on the school grounds, I decided to wait outside the school gates. I don't want to be picking up Y/N again. She messes with my head and causes the Scaran to go all haywire.

Before getting thrown out of school for a few days, I talked over yesterday's experience with Paco. He seems to think I have a crush on Y/N. Maybe I do. I don't know. I don't know what I feel or what to think. Nightwing says it's hard to have a relationship wellbeing a hero, but Wally and Artemis have been together for ever and they're heroes. Maybe it would work out since Y/N and me are both heroes too. I don't know.

"Oh, it's you again," Y/N says, poking her head around the gate.

Since I was lost in my thoughts, her sudden appearance manages to scare me. "Self-defense activating," Scarab says, as my armor starts wrapping around me.

"Don't do that," I hiss, keeping my tone low. I don't need Y/N thinking I'm crazy or accidently hurt because Scarab thinks everything is a threat. "It's me again," I say once Scarab chills out. I glance at her, taking in her outfit. She's not wearing a hoodie today so I'm able to take in more of her figure. Her figure that would feel really nice against mine own. What? No, do not think like that. I stand up straight and shove my hands into my pockets to stop myself from touching her like I want too. "You're not wearing a hoodie today," I comment to try and see if she did it on purpose or not.

Y/N's hands wrap around her bookbag straps as she matches my strides. Her hair bounces as she walks, sliding around to frame her face. "Ya, I don't like people using the hood to walk me like a dog," she says, poking at me for my actions yesterday. "You have another half day today?"

It takes me a second to connect what she's saying. I'm too distracted by her hair, and face, and body, and I need to look at something else. I glance around, looking at all the different people and scenery and anything but her. "No."

"Then why are you walking me again? Isn't El Paso like 700 miles away or something?"

El Paso? She knows I'm from El Paso? How does she know that? I didn't tell her that. "2018 Toyota driving at dangerous speeds. Recommendation: abolish vehicle," Scarab says, causing my eyes to snap to the road.

"Let's not do that," I whisper to them, shifting my position so Y/N is further away from the road. "Something like that," I finally answer back, taking a second to process the rest of her statement. "But Mount Justice is even further away from here but it's only a ten-minute walk for us." How does she know I'm from El Paso? Why does she care that I'm picking her up again? Does she like that I'm picking her up again?

"True, but you wouldn't have time to get out of class and get her to pick me up even with the Zeta Tube," Y/N says, moving closer to me.

Is she moving closer on purpose? Why would she be? I look around again and notice a homeless looking man on the street corner. Is that why she's moving closer? "Scarab, can you do a scan of the man over there? See if he has anything dangerous or whatever," I whisper, keeping my eyes on the man.

"Scanning commenced," Scarab says as I move my placement again so I'm between the guy and Y/N.

"What does it matter?" I ask Y/N, glancing down at her for a split second before going back to sizing up the guy. It can't be that hard to take him if he tries anything... I think.

"I found three knives on the subject," Scarab says, popping the images of said knives into my mind. It still trips me out that this thing can do shit like this. In response to Scarab's findings, I wrap my hand around Y/N's wrist. I don't need her starting issues, or getting hurt if this guy starts anything.

"I'm just curious," Y/N says, looking down at her wrist.

Does she like that I'm touching her? "Scarab, can you scan for Y/N's lovey chemical thing?" I whisper, trying to catch a glance at Y/N's face to see how she's reacting. "Curiosity killed the cat," I say, trying to get her to look up again. "Also," I start, letting my own curiosity get to me. "How'd you know I was from El Paso?"

"Barbra mentioned you were from Texas, so I just took a guess at one of the bigger cities within the state."

"Y/N has high levels of phenylethylamine and epinephrine," Scarab answers after their scan finishes.

"And that means what?" I ask, even more confused than normal.

"Phenylethylamine has been nicknamed the 'love chemical' by the human race. Y/N has high levels of said chemical that raised even more after coming in contact with you. Epinephrine is the 'adrenaline' chemical, often present when in distress, lying, or with high blood pressure. Recommendation: Reproduce in order to lower the high levels of phenylethylamine and epinephrine."

What is the issue with this stupid alien? I cannot 'reproduce' with someone I barely know. But that does mean Y/N likes me back, right? Maybe I should ask about what she said yesterday. Maybe I should ask her out. Maybe... or maybe she'll say no. Or maybe she'll say yes and then I'll have a target on my back with half of my own team aiming for it. Or maybe -

"So... you get in trouble at school or something?" Y/N asks, cutting off my thought process.

Or something. "I got suspended," I answer, glancing up and seeing a group of guys heading our way.

"If you plan on being life partners with Y/N I recommend doing it soon. 78% of the group ahead has high levels of phenylethylamine for your protentional partner as well, Jaime Reyes," Scarab says, causing my skin to crawl with anger.

They don't get to like her too. I already know parts of her they'll never get to know, and I've known her two days. No, not allowed. I tug Y/N over so she's standing in front of me. We're so close that she constantly bumps into me. Every time she does, sparks run through my veins. They do not get to be near her. They need to go away. In reaction to my unwarranted anger, Scarab tries to activate my armor again. Maybe Batman is right. Maybe I do have issues controlling my emotions.

I pick up the pace a bit to try and get Y/N away from them sooner and get their attention off of her. They not so secretively check her out as we walk past, which only pisses me off more.

"For what?" Y/N peeps out, looking at me with those big green beanie baby eyes again.

It's hard to hear her over than sound of Scarab trying to justify murdering a group of people. "Cállate. Por favor, cállate tu molesto bicho," I whisper, trying to relax my nervous and calm down. I should not be this jealous. Who cares if a group of Y/N's classmates are checking her out? Not me, I don't care. "Does it matter?" I finally answer her, but it comes out sharper than I meant it too. I really need to chill out.

"Why are you so pissy today?" Y/N asks, matching my snappy tone. "Fror someone that was bitching yesterday about me not knowing them, you're not very open with me."

I look down at her as she looks forward. Frustration is very evident on her face. She looks cute frustrated. With the group being out of sight and no more creepy guys with knives around, I decide it's safe to let her go. I drop my hand from her wrist, and just like yesterday a tinge of sadness fills my chest. I want her to get to know me. I want to me open with her. I want to get to know every inner and outer thing about her. And I really want to see those eyes looking up at me as she spread out on my bed. That's perverted. Like, really perverted.

Y/N's frustration falls from her face as she turns her head. I follow her eyes to see that sitting in a tree next to us is a bright red cardinal. Y/N steps off the sidewalks and slowly walks towards the bird. I stay put, watching her gush over the bird and talk to it like it's a baby. I'm going to ask her about what she said yesterday, I'm going to ask her out, and I'm going to make my perverted thoughts a reality.

"Jaime Reyes, your aphrodisiac levels are raising," Scarab says, once again confusing me.

"You really need to start explaining things to me when you say them."

"The chemical aphrodisiac controls arousal within the human raise."

"So, I'm horny? Really? Didn't notice," I say sarcastically, watching Y/N walk back onto the sidewalk once she's done gushing over the bird. The rest of the walk is silent, but I don't mind. It gives me time to build up my confidence to spit out what I want to say. I couldn't help myself, so I ended up grabbing Y/N's wrist again to walk her the rest of the way.

Once the zeta tube is in front of us, I make sure to keep my grip on Y/N and even go as far as grabbing her other wrist so she can't run off like she did yesterday. "What did you say yesterday?" I ask her, focusing on keeping my eyes on hers and trying not to throw up my nervous. This is either going to go very good or very bad.

[maniacalgenius]

10.22.24

tuesday recap! today i skipped micro and biochem for the first time to camp out in the basement of the CHEM building (dr sandwich's office is specifically in the catacombs of the building) and peacefully work on my things.

🧬 genetics week 7 notes !!

🧬 first quarter (ish) of biochem week 7 notes !!

🌺 had a long walk across campus

🌺 got a decent amount of good sleep (since i slept in enough to make me late to class)

🌺 had such a nice shower! hair really needed to be washed, feels so much better!

🌺 took a sleeping pill at like 8:30 so hopefully i will get plenty of sleep

🧚 got to spend quality time with dr sandwich

🧚 got to simply. Sit. and Work on Things. for the first time in i don't even know how long. i am SO SO SO looking forward to next semester when i can have chill weekdays like this more regularly!

🧚 spent a little over an hour in the really nice chemistry lab building on the way back to the car from micro lab; it was such a vibe! going to start doing this more often

🧚 went to church choir rehearsal! one of my favorite parts of my week :))

🧚 went to the grocery store on the way home; got some kind bars so i won’t be *completely* skipping breakfast anymore

overall, very healing day 🫶🏻🫶🏻

1. cool t-shirt discovered by @sleeping-academic on our excursion on sunday!

2. dr sandwich brought me… can you believe it?… a sandwich! i hadn’t eaten breakfast and wasn’t going to be able to eat until dinner and when she went to get lunch she brought back a bottle of lemonade for me and two sandwiches for us and told me to pick which one i wanted 🥺 i am so so blessed!

3. meet hank! roomie is fostering him until saturday

4. pretty flowers outside of the nice chem lab building! there are so many pretty flowers on campus and sometimes i just have to stop and take a picture. especially today cause yellow flowers are my favorite!!

5. sitting in the office hours room across from dr sandwich’s office while she went to teach her class! such a vibe

i hope every single one of you gets to share in the peace i’m feeling right now 🫶🏻 love, hugs and prayers!!

xx 

[b-blushes]

feeling so balloon going to burst atm (hospital/medical/chronic illness/disability stuff. not good vibes (i'm fine though! except for in my feelings! :P))

next week i'm meeting a new specialist who is 'far away' and we are leaving 2.5 hours early to get to the appointment and i'm so scared style. it's so exhausting and i'm so frustrated with myself! i'm really glad that i get to go, and i want to go, i found the dr researched the hospital sent the emails booked the appointment all the stuff but i don't want to need to go u know. i don't like it. i'm so grateful to be going and i also just don't want this to be my life at all. both my parents are taking me, i appreciate this so much. i'm so stressed about being 'high risk' (amongst other things, i have a heart condition) and going so far from home and spending so much time in the car and we'll have to eat lunch and this will have to happen in the carpark of the hospital because i am not going to eat anywhere indoors with anyone and it's annoying to wear a mask for hours in the car and it's all FINE, i can do it and nothing bad will probably happen but i'm so sick of being so scared about it and also of being the cautious sensible one who is imposing precautions on everyone else. i hate it, and i hate hating it.

it's hard not to get hung up on the negative side of it all. this is why i'm frustrated about it! i feel like i should be better about it, don't need to be already getting wound up about it 2 weeks before any appointment and even worse the week before. don't need to be drifting out of touch with friends or just checking in rather than being able to properly be myself and talk because i'm so out of my self about it but also at the same time not even feeling like i am, just that the dots are not connecting in my brain. i don't feel like i should be so scared about waking up 2 hours before normal to leave on time because the appointment is so 'early', and that waking up so 'early' shouldn't make me as ill as it historically has. i just don't want to be so scared about it all, but i truly don't see how i can not be. and also there is the blinkers mode of being Like This (I don't even know what the feeling or words for it are) of knowing that i'm not being able to see the whole breadth of the (or any similar) situation when i'm in this headspace, but also not being able to force myself to see outside it because i'm In Here. I don't want to take medication about it because i've already got a lot going on with my body and historically nothing i've tried in this vein has worked for me, I don't see how therapy would stop it, because i can get through it and feel like i am already using all the techniques i can to make sure that i'm not acting in ways that are harmful to myself and actively am trying to soothe myself as much as i can - i don't feel that i need any aids to get through it, the only thing i can imagine truly wanting is a way to feel fine about it and i don't know how that can happen because the root of it is triggering symptoms and bad medical experiences and i don't think that i as a chronically ill disabled person continuing to engage with healthcare can guarantee either of those things.

I might be so so wrong but that feels like the best thing I can do is continue to try through all the parts that i can influence to bank as many positive experiences as i can, and hopefully at some point they will tip the balance and then it won't be a whole thing. I guess ultimately it's like that saying of 'someone who is anxious doesn't need to feel calm, they need to feel safe', and while i am doing everything i can currently think of to give this to myself, i do not control all the variables. Part of my worry and frustration about it all too is that my conception about the whole topic is also wrong, and that i'm standing in the way of improving things for myself and thus everyone who i am interacting with especially in the focussed time period where i'm preparing for another appointment. I guess the crux of it is that i wish i was doing a better job of dealing with the uncertainty and the response that past bad experiences have resulted in, and that i don't know how or if i can do better, that it feels like the difficulties that i am having are my own fault, and that having doubts about whether i could do better means i could and i'm choosing not to. and no-one else can absolve me of this WHICH SUCKS!!!! :P

good grief. anyway. i'm just trying to do my best while this is all constantly running background in my head, and feeling like my best kind of sucks at best but also that it is my best. which also sucks because it should be better. guy who is tormenting themself voice. IT PROBABLY WON'T EVEN BE ANYTHING TO BE SCARED OF!!!!! and that pisses me off too tbh because then it's like congrats you did a whole stupid thing about NOTHING. AGAIN. Trying to find the balance between being nice to yourself and being lenient with negative effects. i am challenged by this.

TLDR scared of da hospital. hate to be scared of it.

have not even touched on in this post the implications of the actual appointment. also having a lot of fears that how i am currently trying to live is not sustainable and reckoning with being told flatout that i am not managing a chronic pain condition that i have been seeking care for for years yet somehow had not conceptualised myself as having said chronic pain condition, thus consequently failing to manage it, and dealing with the 'shame' of that. not my sole failure but a big chunk of it is on me. And not sure what to change to do a better job of managing my conditions. just really feels like i'm fumbling it atm and 'it' is my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway. Ideally, new specialist will be able to give another assessment from a new perspective of the gravity of my fumbling or lack thereof. And give me some guidance from their experience of diagnosing and treating people with one of the conditions that i have that they are an expert in. It would be really neat to discuss with him how abnormal or completely predictable my uhh level of disability is given his expertise, and also what, if anything, i can do about it. Whilst also keeping in mind that he is just one guy. good grief. Double anyway. I'll be up so early that i might be able to see the sunrise, so that'll be neat! and i don't really get to leave the house much so it's always really nice to see so much SCENERY from the car window when i get to go somewhere :3 And maybe i won't feel so sick and i will get to enjoy nice car ride and have a delicious sandwich in the carpark and it will be peace and love on planet me.

[mybullshitsensesaretingling]

Optimistic

Request:

hi hi!!! i've been reading through some of your stuff and its all just ahh<3 anywho I was wondering if you could write some AOS!Chekov x reader maybe? somethin with either a doctor reader working under Bones or an enemies-to-lovers type? of course you don't have to if you don't want I just though i'd ask

ok love ya bye

A/N: I got this request in 2021. Anon, if you're still out there, I am so sorry. What's worse is that I genuinely wrote most of this soon after getting the request and then just... got distracted. I went with the doctor reader request but tried to put in some enemies-to-lovers vibes. Its more annoyances-to-partners, but I hope you still like it. It's a different side of Chekov than I normally write too. Hopefully y'all enjoy exploring that side as much as I did

ok love ya too bye

“Yes, thank you so much for explaining my job to me,” you said through a forced smile. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, you really must be going.” 

“I must be going? Is it not-” Chekov started. 

“No, you must be going.” You stood in front of the sickbay doors so they slid open. “Goodbye.” He opened his mouth to speak again but you had no intention of letting him and quickly repeated, “Goodbye.” 

Finally, he took the completely unsubtle hint and left through the doors. 

You let out a sigh of relief and let your muscles relax to the point of slouching. 

“That kid drives me nuts.” You crossed the near-silent sickbay to Bones' desk in a few strides. 

“‘Kid’,” he repeated with a half-laugh. “You’re practically the same age.” 

“Maybe he should act a little more like it.” You dropped into a chair across from him and stretched out a kink in your neck. A knot started to form anytime you had to deal with a bright, shiny cadet or ensign. It formed twice as fast when that bright, shiny ensign was Chekov. He was hyper and chatty and over eager. It made your muscles tighten. You were sure that it was all an act to cover up his true self. A self you had convinced yourself you saw peaking out on the edges when the two of you argued or when he got a little two confident.

“He does act like it.” 

You narrowed your eyes at him. “What’s that supposed to mean?” “You act like a 75-year-old cynic who's been hardened by a lifetime of troubles,” he informed you, barely glancing up from his computer. 

“That’s why you love me.” You leaned into the back of the chair, letting the sharp smell of antiseptic and tritanium sooth you after your long shift. 

“It could be good for you to spend time with people your own age. Maybe make some friends.” 

“You’re my friend.” 

He grabbed a PADD and scanned the information. “I’m your senior officer.” 

“Are you saying we’re not friends?” You picked up the PADD when he set it down, scanning it yourself. 

“I’m saying it would be beneficial for your emotional wellbeing for you to form bonds with other members of the crew whom you share cultural touchstones with.” 

You raised your eyes to his but they were still focused on his work. “And that’s Ensign Chekov?” 

“It could be.” 

You put the PADD back on his desk. “The only thing we share is a location.” 

“If you say so.” 

You watched him for a second longer, before letting out a sigh and going to prepare for your next scheduled appointment. 

His knowing look that followed you to a biobed made you want to press him, but something told you that was not a path of conversation you wanted to go down. You hoped by dropping the conversation, he wouldn’t push the issue, but that was naive and you knew it. All you were doing was biding your time. 

And you had less of it than you thought. 

A week later when you asked him what he wanted for lunch, Bones had informed you that you weren’t to eat in the sickbay. You didn’t have to go to the mess hall and socialize but he recommended it and was more likely to let you be if you did. The man was like a dog with a bone when he got it in his head that he was doing something good for his crew mates and you would do anything to get him off your back when he did. So reluctantly you went to the mess hall and grabbed a tray. 

You stood by the replicator, scanning the room and weighing your options. Taking a deep breath and gripping your tray a little tighter, you decided that if you were going to do this you might as well go all in and started moving towards the tables that a group of ensigns had pushed together. 

As you got closer, one of them quickly moved his bowl away from the empty seat to give you more room at the table. You gave him a grateful smile as you sat down. He graced you with a smile of his own before turning his attention back to the conversation. For a brief moment, you forgot why you ate with Bones or in your quarters. The crew was so kind and inviting. Then you realized what the conversation was about and you remembered.

“Did you really get to be part of the landing party to Markoddia?” an eager ensign asked.

“Yes,” Chekov answered from the end of the table. 

“What was it like?” 

Half the group leaned forward to better hear his retelling. He glanced up from his soup to check that he had their attention before starting. 

“It was a standard assignment.” A few people leaned back in disappointment and the corner of his mouth tilted up. “Until it wasn’t.” 

He regaled them with the story that you were sure was at least partially exaggerated. Ensigns who got to work with the senior staff were treated like minor celebrities by certain members of the lower decks. Over the years Chekov had learned to love the attention and even occasionally, on slow weeks, play to it. His definition of a slow week was expanding and the mess hall was starting to become his own personal stage. 

You didn’t have much interest in the landing party play by plays when it didn’t have anything to do with your job or furthering medical knowledge. You had even less interest people twisting the truth so they could play the hero. 

“You were attacked by a Markoffian sea lizard?” someone gasped. 

“I could have died!” Chekov answered. 

“Not from that,” you scoffed into your food. You thought that the comment would have gone unheard in all the commotion of the mess hall but when you lifted your gaze you found a dozen pairs of eyes on you. “You barely had a scratch on you,” you clarified a little louder. 

“Maybe I fought them off.” 

“Or maybe they’re herbivores,” you countered. 

“Markaffian sea lizards are omnivores.” He pointed his spoon at you, clearly thinking he had got you. 

“Maybe they just don’t have a taste for show off navigators. I don’t know. I’m not an exozoologist. But I do know that you were not anywhere close to dying.”

“How would you know?” one of his peers asked. 

“I was in that landing party.” 

“On the other side of the city,” Chekov added. 

“Yeah, treating the President, who happened to have a sea lizard as a pet. His two year old daughter was hand feeding it insects.” You raised your brows at him. “Are you saying you were almost killed by the same thing that a toddler was playing with?” 

“What about the pollen from the carnivorous flowers?” he asked. “Even you said it was incredibly toxic.” 

“Okay, sure,” you conceded. “You were almost killed by some flowers. Is that what you want to hear?” 

“Yes.” 

You rolled your eyes and returned your attention to your lunch.

“My throat was closing up!” he started again, a dramatic hand clutching at his neck. “Neither I nor the Lieutenant could breath. I thought it was the end, but luckily the doctor here was quick at finding an anti-toxin.” 

There was a twinkle in his eyes as he looked at you. It seemed like he was throwing you a bone but it felt like he was dragging you into something you didn’t want to be a part of. 

***

“Bones, Stapes,” Kirk greeted as he entered the sickbay. “Slow day?” 

“Not at all,” you answered before turning to Bones and lowering your voice. “If I had known that this job came with a demeaning nickname I wouldn’t have taken it.” 

“It grows on you,” he responded in the same low volume.

“Like a cyst?” You glanced up at him. “That’s disgusting.” 

Bones shook his head and looked back at the captain. “What can we do for you, Jim?” 

“We received a distress call from a nearby planet.” He handed Bones a PADD and you leaned over to look at it with him. “Looks like they could use a doctor.” 

“Seems simple enough.” Bones handed the PADD to you. “(Y/L/N) will take this.” 

The captain turned to you. “Report to the transporter in fifteen, Doctor.” 

“Aye, Captain.” Your attention dropped to the PADD as he left. Anxiety bubbled up inside you, mixing with your excitement. “Are you sure?”

“You can treat Chamberlin virus in your sleep,” Bones said without looking at you. 

“You’ve never let me go with a landing party without an attending.”

“Do you want me to change my mind?”

“No!” You said quickly, starting to read the report to prepare yourself. You swallowed thickly and lowered your eyebrows when you got to the short list of officers that would be on this mission. Just two. 

Your head snapped back to Bones. “I want you to change your mind.” 

“Too late.” He handed you a medkit. “Have a safe trip.” 

You shot him a glare before giving him a reluctant “Aye, sir.” 

“Have fun.”

“Is that an order?” you asked. 

“No.” 

“Then I won’t.” You started towards the door. 

“I know. Just do your job,” he said after you.

“Of course, sir,” you said with an eye roll so strong you were sure he could hear it in your voice as you entered the hall. 

You never worried too much about maintaining a perfectly respectful attitude with Bones despite him being your CO. Your eye rolls and complaints and casual demeanor didn’t come from a place of disrespect, but a place of familiarity. It came from the comfort of looking into your mentor and seeing yourself reflected there. He had looked into the same mirror when you were in the academy and took you under his wing. He guided you through your time there and your time serving as a cadet on another ship. Your similarities to Bones had earned you a place on the Enterprise and the nickname Stapes. As the smallest bone in the body, the captain saw it as a natural progression from his original nickname for you, Little Bones. You saw it as silly and a little demeaning, not that you would say that to his face. 

You knew that the reflection of Bones’ cynical but driven personality that shined through you was why he pushed you out of your comfort zone. He didn’t just want you to be the best doctor you could be, but a better person than he could be. But that didn’t mean you didn’t occasionally fight against it. 

You wanted to fight against this, but you didn’t want to miss out on this opportunity even if it meant- 

The transporter doors opened to curly hair and bright eyes. 

-having to work with him.

“Where is Doctor McCoy?” Chekov asked. 

“Sickbay.” You stepped up on the transporter. “He’s not coming. I’m coming.” 

You had hoped that arriving five minutes early would make you the first to arrive. You wanted some time to prepare yourself, both for your partner for this assignment and for the assignment itself. You knew that Bones was right and you were ready for this, but you hadn’t fully convinced that insistent little voice in your head of that fact. But of course Chekov had to get here even earlier. He always had to out do you just a little bit. 

“Oh. Is this your first time on a solo mission?” he asked, joining you on the transporter. 

You adjusted your grip on your kit, watching the hands of the engineer at the terminal. “Yes.”

“Are you nervous?” 

You snapped your attention up to him. “Are you?” 

“I wasn’t.” There was that twinkle in his eyes. It was like he was playing a game you didn’t have the rule book for. 

You narrowed your eyes but decided to let the slight slide. 

“Energize,” you ordered the chief at the controls. 

Within fifteen minutes of landing in the colony, you had set up a make-shift examination room in a small lab and had over a dozen people waiting to see you. You had quietly bickered with Chekov the whole while. Even your tones contradicted each other. His comments were bright and confident, mixing off-handed insults with what appeared to be genuine attempts at helpfulness. Your own words remained on the icy side of sarcasm, giving the impression that you were only partially tuned into your conversation with him. You just wanted to focus on your work. 

Thankfully when you started seeing patients he stopped talking to you. Unthankfully, he started talking to the waiting patients. At first, you figured your irritation over it was due solely to your usual level of pettiness when it came to him. You set equipment down louder than necessary when his voice got louder, causing him to look at you. He would give you a smile but wouldn’t miss a beat in the conversation. When you had finally managed to tune him out mostly, you overheard him explaining that this was your first time working alone so they needed to be extra patient with you. It was amazing the amount of condescension he could fit into innocuous phrases. 

You tried to grit your teeth and focus on your work but a few minutes later his laugh made something rise up inside you. You found yourself unable to focus. You must have read over the readings on your tricorder three times before you gave up. 

“Ensign, if you insist on being this loud, could you at least take the chit-chat elsewhere?” 

He smiled up at you from the seat next to a few patients. “Yes, unlike some people, I can be charming anywhere.”

“How special for you. Please take your charm into the hall.” 

He did as you asked and you were finally able to work in peace. Without Chekov constantly drawing your attention you were able to get through the rest of the patients fairly quickly. It wasn’t until after the last one left the lab that you realized how draining that had been. Bones was right, you could treat Chamberlin virus in your sleep, but the pressure of doing it alone was greater than you had expected and you had never treated this many patients in such a short time. They just kept coming. You must have seen most of the colony. 

You dropped into a chair, letting your head lull back and your eyes slip shut. Your feet ached from standing. Your face hurt from smiling. The mere thought of moving or talking to someone almost brought tears to your eyes. 

The door to the lab swished open and you jumped to your feet, praying you hadn’t missed someone. You were grateful to see that it was only the mayor and Chekov. 

“Doctor,” the mayor greeted, taking one of your hands in both of his. “Thank you. Your help means more than I could communicate.” 

You felt Chekov’s eyes on you while you mustered up what you hoped to be your last smile of the day, “Your people should be free of the virus now, but I have provided the updated vaccine recipe. Everyone who hasn’t been sick in the last nine days should receive it.” You handed him a PADD and he thanked you. 

The rest of the pleasantries washed over you. You knew you participated in them, but if you were asked to recount what you had said you wouldn’t be able to. For the first time, you were actually glad that Chekov was with you. He carried the weight of the conversation and handled correspondence with the ship. As much as you hated to admit it, he was charming. 

When you had made it back to the ship. You let out a sigh and took your time stepping off the pad and into the hall, but Chekov remained behind you. You stopped when you came to the lift, trying to decide if you should go back to sickbay or your quarters. 

“Good work down there,” Chekov said, stepping up beside you.

You eyed him for a moment, before responding, “Yeah, you too.” 

***

After your first solo mission it seemed to have been decided, much to your chagrin, that you and Chekov worked well together. After the third time you were paired up together in a single month, you stopped fighting it, but you still dragged your feet. Now, as your shuttle shook and the lights turned red, you wished you had fought it harder. 

“What’s happening?” you shouted, gripping on to your arm rests for dear life. 

“I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t-” A squealing sound interrupted Chekov’s panicked yelling. He scanned the readouts in front of him before looking over his shoulder at the source of the noise and then at you. “You need to fly.”

“What? I’m a doctor not a pilot! I haven’t flown anything since the academy and you want me to fly us out of planetary rings while we're being shot at? I’ll get us killed.” 

“How long has it been since you have done environmental engineering?” 

You blinked at him then turned to the control panel. “Okay, I’ll fly.” 

The shuttle rocked as you took over, causing Chekov to stumble on his way to the back. 

“Sorry!” you shouted.

Your hands trembled as you tried to remember the flight training you had done five years ago. It felt more like a dream than a memory and you couldn’t recall any of the specifics. 

As you got deeper into the rings the dust filled your view screen and you were forced to operate using the sensors alone. Sweat began to bead on your forehead and your stomach twisted from the jerky movements the craft made while you tried to dodge large chunks of ice and phaser cannon blasts from the assailant ship. Every sway and jolt made your thoughts swim and your heart hammer against your chest a little harder. Behind you Chekov let out a string of stressed noises. 

“What? What’s happening?” you asked without really wanting to know. The view screen started to clear as you flew through the last of the rings. 

“The shields are down and the nacelles are down and-” 

“We only have axillary engines?” You had to force yourself to keep your attention locked on the controls instead of swinging back to the ensign. 

The shuttle rocked again as it was hit. You gripped the terminal to keep yourself steady. The lights dimmed and everything came to a standstill. 

“No, we had axillary engines. Now we have nothing.” 

“Did you fix the environmental controls?” 

“Yes, but we can not fly out of here and emergency power is declining fast.” His anxiety was making his accent thicker and his words stick together.  

“I got us out of orbit, and,” you leaned forward, watching the other ship pass you by, “they seem to think we're dead in the water. They’re leaving. How much time do we have?” 

“Twenty hours.” 

You slumped down. “Not even a day.” 

“No.” 

Glancing over your shoulder, you found him bent over a tricorder. He started to bounce nervously. Watching him made you feel even queasier. 

“There’s nothing you can do?” 

He responded with a series of unintelligible Russian sounds as he started digging through the compartments of the shuttle. He must not have found what he was looking for because he dropped to the floor with a defeated huff. 

“No.” 

In all the assignments you had had with Chekov over the last several months he had only ever been stubbornly optimistic. Even when he was overcome with stress or complaining he still acted with a firm belief that what you were doing was important and you would make it out alive with a job well done. Not once had you seen him even consider giving up. You had not so secretly been waiting to see his optimism falter, to see what lay beneath his showy exuberance, but it wasn’t the slip of the mask or the peak behind the curtain you’d thought it would be. This defeat wasn’t revealing something about him, it was taking something from him. 

You got to your feet slowly, gripping the back of your seat and closing your eyes as a wave of dizziness passed over you. You didn’t do well in a shuttle on a good day. After being rocked around my phaser fire and ring debris and having to pilot yourself you weren’t sure your stomach would ever settle down. 

You were glad to see that Chekov was staring down at his tricorder and seemed completely unaware of your momentary weakness. 

“Come on. Where’s that trademark pep and sense of adventure?” You sat down on the bench next to him. “Don’t tell me you’ve finally met a mission you can’t glorify into heroic splendor.” 

He looked up at you through narrowed eyes. The corners of his mouth were drawn down further than you thought was possible. Was he actually about to start pouting? Was it actually endearing? 

“Aw.” You puffed out your lip in a pout that was both sympathetic and mocking of his. “What happened to Ensign Chekov, hopeful hero of the lower decks?” 

“He went down with the shields and the nacelles.” 

Rolling your eyes at his dramatics, you grabbed your medpack and pulled out your tricorder. You pointed it at him without bothering to actually look at the readings. 

“Huh,” you said in faux contemplation. “This says that he’s still operational, he's just offline.”

He looked up at you. The twinkle in his eye was starting to return, clearly delighted that you of all people were willing to play this game. “How do you suggest we bring him back online, Doctor?” 

“Oh these things tend to work themselves out.” You replaced your tricorder and leaned back. “When would we be back, if we hadn’t gotten in that chase?” 

He barely had to think about it. “Four to five hours.” 

“How long does it normally take them to suspect a mission has gone awry?”

Chekov spent considerably more time with the majority of the senior staff. He knew their usual patterns. You spent most of your time with the Chief Medical Officer, who tended to assume a mission went awry the moment they left the ship. He was right more often than he was wrong. 

“Between two hours and one week.” 

You raised your eyebrows at him. “Can you narrow down that estimate for me?” 

“In this situation, I would suspect it would not take longer than a day.” 

You didn’t have a day. 

“Doctor McCoy usually pays more attention to missions that have medical staff on them. Something about not wanting us to die because he hates paperwork,” you told him. “And he almost always assumes the worst. That should bring your estimate down by a few hours.” 

The navigator suddenly jumped to his feet and sprinted to the controls. 

“If I could get a message to them, they might get here in time!” 

You rested your forearms on your knees both to steady yourself and to more easily watch him. “Are we close enough for that? I thought shuttles didn’t have subspace communication capabilities.” 

“They do not, but…” he faded off as he fiddled with the screen. His movements had regained that jerky, impatient quality they often had, like his hands couldn’t move fast enough to keep up with his brain. He let out a triumphant sound and spun to face you. 

“If I send out a distress beacon and put all remaining power into transmitting a signal they could find us faster. If I divert all emergency power not needed to keep us alive, I could keep it running for the full 20 hours and the beacon would increase our range by 35%!” He quickly dropped into the pilot's chair and got to work. 

You smiled despite yourself at his returning optimism and moved to the environmental controls he had been working on earlier. Most of the readings were all but nonsense to you, but you had a decent understanding of the most essential functions and an even better understanding of the math needed to calculate how much time you had left. 

“What are you doing?” Checkov turned in his chair.

You kept your eyes on the screen as you spoke, “Say we ran into some minor difficulties on the planet and/or the mission took longer to complete than we thought, then maybe it would take us another eight hours to get back to Enterprise.” 

“Okay,” he said hesitantly, trying to figure out where this was going.

“Given that this was a fairly straightforward assignment and we both have a reputation for working efficiently, those eight hours would already make the more observant members of the crew suspicious.” 

“If there is not another crisis happening on the ship.” 

“That is a major if, but we’re trying to be optimistic here.” 

“We are?” he asked in an almost teasing tone, just as surprised as you were that you were abandoning your cynical ways. 

“Yes.” You pulled up the oxygen output. “Dr. McCoy will definitely assume something had happened if I don’t show up for my shift tomorrow at 0800.” 

“That’s almost eighteen hours away. It would take them three hours to get here unless they’re at top speeds.” He seemed to remember that you were being optimistic and asked, “Could you sedate us?” 

“I could but then there would be no one to respond if we were hailed and no one to deal with the next crisis. Besides, we’d only use about 6% less oxygen, but we could survive with 20% less.” You started messing with oxygen controls. 

“That would give us four more hours.” 

“I could push it to 25% to give them even more wiggle room, but we would start experiencing symptoms of hypoxia.” 

“Will it kill us?” 

“No more than doing nothing will.” 

He made a noise and you turned to face him. “We’ll get sick. Headache, confusion, difficulty breathing, anxiety, tachycardia. But if they find us we’ll recover quickly. And if they don’t find us,” you lowered the oxygen output, “we’ll die either way.” 

“They’ll find us,” he assured you, before turning back to the terminal. “I wish there was more we could do than wait.” 

The temperature dropped quickly as the power that normally went into keeping the shuttle comfortable went to keeping the distress signal broadcasting. It wasn’t cold enough to cause any health risk but it would be soon enough. You wonder what would hit you first: hypothermia or hypoxia. 

You pulled open one of the storage compartments and grabbed two dark gray blankets. They were perfectly folded and soft to the touch. They probably hadn’t ever been used before. 

Chekov was watching you as you placed one blanket on the bench you had been sitting on and held the other out to him. 

“We do what we can to stay alive.” 

He took it and sat down on the other bench. You followed suit, wrapping yourself in your blanket, leaning your head back, and shutting your eyes against a fresh wave of nausea. 

“Doctor, are you okay?” 

Distantly it occurred to you that normally you would have responded to the question with brusk sarcasm or at the very least the truth forced through tight lips. But in that moment you didn’t feel the need to push him away or put on a brave face, and you told the truth freely. 

“Just a little nauseous from the flight. It’ll pass.” It was already starting to pass now that things were calming down. The waves were gentler and no longer crashed down on top of you.

“You get space sickness?”

You peaked your eyes open at him. “Yeah, why do you think I didn’t want to come on this mission?” 

He shrugged. “Because you don’t like me.” 

“I can have more than one reason.” You adjusted the blanket around your shoulder and shifted around on the seat a bit. The benches may have been designed to double as beds for long journeys, but that didn’t mean they were exactly comfortable. 

“You can.” Even though he fell silent, you could tell from his clipped tone that he was biting something back and history had taught you he wouldn’t for long. “But why do you hate me?” 

“I don’t hate you.” 

“You don’t like me.” 

“Not everyone’s gonna like you, Chekov.” 

“Yes, but why do you not?” 

“It’s not like you like me either.” 

This gave him pause. Just when you had thought he was dropping the subject he responded, “I do not dislike you.” 

“But you don’t like me.” 

Again he hesitated. “I did not.” 

You opened your eyes fully and sat up a little straighter. “Did?” 

“What?” 

The blanket slipped from one of your shoulders as you leaned towards him. “You said ‘did’. Past tense. Implying that now you do.” 

“You have grown on me.” 

“Like a cyst.” 

He considered that for a moment before shaking his head. “Like moss.” 

You looked away to try to conceal the smile you were struggling to fight back and a realization settled in your chest. It fell slow and heavy like snow piling up on a roof in the middle of winter. 

You couldn’t have beared being stuck in this shuttle alone. You would have died trying to get off world. Even if you hadn’t, this quiet waiting with nothing to do would have driven you insane. But sitting here, across from the man you had fought so hard to never share a space with, it was bearable. Everything was more bearable with Chekov. He was the otherside of a very high strung coin. You weren’t just growing on him, you were growing to rely on him. 

The temperature fell further and you shivered, pulling your feet up onto the bench to curl in on yourself more. 

“Are you cold?” 

The exasperated look that took over your expression couldn’t be helped. “Yes, Chekov, I’m cold.” You took in the blanket he had draped only across his lap and his comfortable posture. “How are you not?” 

“Russian winters are much colder than this.” 

You chuckled. By the end of your time serving aboard the Enterprise you would be able to write a history book on Russia just from the facts Checkov shared at any given opportunity. 

As long as that time didn’t end tonight. 

Your breath caught in your throat at the thought. You slipped sideways down the wall until your head hit the bench, but you kept your eyes on him the whole way down. 

“Tell me about it.” 

His grin was brighter than the stars outside and took over his whole face, scrunching up his cheeks and eyes. He launched into a story from his youth that rolled easily into another. His descriptions made the Russian winter sound like a magical fairy land. Again you were sure it was exaggerated. You knew how many people had died from that cold. You knew that it was a dangerous and vicious winter. But you didn’t care anymore. You let yourself enjoy his version of reality. 

When he had to pause to catch his breath and cover himself more with the blanket, you took a turn at storytelling. Your voice was thin and breathless as you told him about the winters of your childhood and some of the nastier cases of frostbite you had treated. Your chest started to burn for more air and your fingers started to ache, growing stiff in the cold. 

The pauses between your stories became longer and longer and your voices morphed into barely audible murmurs until you started to drift into a restless sleep. You knew you shouldn’t sleep and kept trying to claw your way back to consciousness, but you kept sinking deeper and deeper. Until a choking sound came from the otherside of the shuttle. 

You sat up, trying to place your surroundings. The soft hum of the dying shuttle sounded so unfamiliar to you. The deep aching cold sinking into your bones and the harsh roughness that screamed in your throat and lungs every time you took a breath felt all encompassing. Your heart raised and your head pounded as you glanced around. 

Chekov slept across from you. You called out to him as a series of coughs and wheezes racked his body. His face was twisted with pain but he didn’t open his eyes. You wrapped your blanket tightly around yourself and moved to hover over him. Shaking his shoulder gently had no greater effect than calling his name. His coughing got worse and then it stopped. He went still. You shook him harder. His name turned to a wheeze in your mouth. His eyes fluttered but he couldn’t keep them open. You tried to force him into a seated position but he was a dead weight that your freezing arms struggled to manipulate. 

You dropped to your knees, brushing a hand against his face. It was so pale it looked almost gray. 

“Please, Chekov. Just take a breath. Just a small one.” Your hand dropped back to his shoulder and his hand found it. His purple lips parted to let in a shaky breath. It left him in a cough, but it was enough to give you hope. 

You pushed his shoulders up and wriggled underneath them. His eyebrows furrowed and you did your best to pull him up to rest against you. With his lungs more up right, he was able to take a few shallow breaths. 

“Good. That’s good. Just a little longer. Keep breathing a little longer.” You turned your head away from him as a coughing fit hit you. When your breathing evened out, you leaned your cheek against his curls. “The hero of the lower decks doesn’t die like this.” The sentence barely made it out of you before you were drifting off again. A pressure on your hand kept you from drifting entirely. 

“Stapes neither.” 

A smile tried to work its way onto your face. You had no idea he even knew the nickname. 

His hand fell from yours, but not all the way. The tips of his cold fingers remained on the side of your hand, holding you there with him. You would keep breathing as long as he did. It was a silent promise you made. Your old need to out do him mingling with a new need to stay with him. 

Sleep found you again, dragging you down to a quiet but panicked place. An insistent beeping filled your head, but the harder you tried to wake, to identify the noise, the tighter sleep’s grip on you became. 

You had no idea how much time had passed before its grip finally loosened and you swam your way back to consciousness. Your body no longer ached or burned. Your heart was calm, almost still. The panic had faded. For a brief moment you thought you weren’t waking up. You were dying and it was peaceful. But then you sucked in a breath. It was deep and cleansing and filled your lungs with ease and without pain. It smelled like that beautiful mixture of antiseptic and tritanium that meant you were home. You were safe. 

You bolted upright. 

“Chekov.” Your voice was rough and desperate. The bright light above you kept your eyes from adjusting. You looked around trying to find the golden uniform through the speckled static filling your vision. 

Then the light was pushed aside and Bones came into view. His warm hand landed on your shoulder. 

“He’s okay. He’s still asleep. The two a’you had a rough night.” He searched your face. “How are you feeling?” 

“What? I’m- I’m fine.” Your brain was working overtime trying to catch up to now while still piecing together the memories from the shuttle. “Are you sure he’s- because he was-” 

“Chekov is in perfect health,” he told you gently.

Relief filled you and passed through you in a sigh. Your shoulders slumped and you rested your arms on your legs. You hadn’t realized how tired you were until that moment. 

“Heard you were down right cuddlin’ the boy.” 

You narrowed your eyes at him as he stepped behind you to get a better look at the biobed readings. 

“I was keeping liquids from pooling in his throat and blocking his airways.” 

“I bet you were.” 

“I’m his doctor. It’s my job to keep him alive,” you pointed out.

The corner of his mouth ticked up. “Never had to cuddle one of my patients.” 

“Well, I’m more hands on than you.” 

He stepped back so he was facing you again. “You did good, kid.” His hand fell to your shoulder again, squeezing softly like he was making sure you heard him. “I’m giving you a clean bill of health. Go get some rest.” 

You got to your feet and headed towards the door, but you only made it a few steps. Something held you back, rooting you to the spot. 

“Unless…” 

You looked to Bones. Your eyes felt raw with exhaustion, but you didn’t want to close them again. Not yet. 

“You want to stay until he wakes up.” 

“He is my patient. I should make sure he’s okay,” you told him. 

Bones just gave you one of his knowing smiles and pointed you towards Chekov’s bed. You followed his direction and found Chekov laying still in the corner. The blue tinge to his skin was gone, replaced with a slight roseiness. You watched his chest rise and fall, listened to the smoothness of his breathing, and resisted the urge to slip your hand into his. You wanted to touch him, to confirm that he was real and alive and safe, but instead you wrapped your arms around yourself and stood by the end of his bed. 

He moaned softly, turning over. His eyes opened slowly, looking out across the sickbay. 

“We made it. I am alive,” he said to himself like he needed to hear it outloud to be sure. 

“Yes,” you answered. 

He scrambled into a seated position at the sound of your voice. A smile lit up his face when he saw you. His right hand lifted off the bed for only a moment, reaching for you on instinct before his conscious thought took control of it again. 

“You are alive.” 

“It would appear so.” You walked to the head of the bed to check his vitals. You could feel his eyes on you as you tripled checked them, still trying to convince yourself that he was okay and wanting a reason to stay by his side for a moment longer.

“Do you still hate going on missions with me?” 

“Yes.” Your answer came quick, but it was followed by a smile. 

You turned to leave, satisfied that he was indeed in perfect health. He let out a breathy laugh and you stopped at the end of the bed and looked over your shoulder at him. 

“Wouldn’t have wanted to be on that mission with anyone else though.”

[missvelvetsstuff]

Guarded Heart

Bucky Barnes x Reader

MobAu

Chapter 22

Notes: sorry this took so long. I've been home for a week but everyone keeps interrupting my creative process. Anyhow here it is and we're almost at the end, last chapter is already half written so hopefully won't take too long.

Warnings: lite angst, swearing, a hint of dirty talk. I think that's it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"She's awake and asking for you"

Bucky felt his stomach drop at the thought of talking to Y/N right now. After the anger that washed over him as he found his room empty when she ran away to confront Zemo, then seeing her weak and barely coherent before she collapsed when Zemo was shot, Bucky wasn't sure he could keep himself from yelling or crying, either seemed likely but he-

He looked up as Y/N's mother interrupted his internal dialog, looked at him sternly. "Don't you go upsetting her, James. Stress will only extend her recovery time."

Bucky looked at the floor like a kid being chastised by their mother "Yes ma'am. I'll be good."

"You'd better. If you hurt her you'll see what a mobsters wife can do."

Bucky looked over at his own mother who was looking at him, arms crossed over her chest, nodding.

He headed up the stairs, anxiety racing through him.

When he arrived at his room he could hear singing, weak and off key but it was a song he recognized.

"Countryyyyy roooooads, taaake me hooooome, to the plaaaaace I belooohoong. West-"

She looked up at him, standing in the doorway with a goofy look on his face, and stopped singing.

Reaching her hand out for him she smiled, looking every bit as drugged up as she was "Jamie! Come sit with me."

How could he refuse an invitation like that. He sat on his bed, facing her and gently took her hand trying not to mess with her IV. "How are you feeling, doll?"

Her smile grew and she squeezed his hand "Awesome. Best I've been since the hospital."

Bucky smirked "Helen must have given you the good drugs."

Her eyes grew wide "Oh no, no, Jamie. I don't do drugs." She whispered loudly "Am I gonna get in trouble?"

He chuckled "Don't worry sweetheart, I'll keep your secret."

She looked at him shyly "Could you just hold me for a little bit?"

Bucky smiled "Of course, sweetheart." And pulled her into him.

"I'm gonna rest right now but we still need to talk" she slurred her words a bit as she curled into him and fell asleep. He relaxed and enjoyed her warmth next to him before dozing off himself.

Within a few days she no longer needed strong pain meds and was recovering well.

Bucky brought her some lunch "How are you feeling today? You look much better." He smiled warmly at her.

She shrugged "Improving, I guess. Getting bored of the same view. A little stir crazy."

They sat quietly for a moment before he spoke "You know, Y/N, you scared the Hell outta me. I wish you wouldn't rush into dangerous situations without thinking things thru."

She bristled "I wish you would listen to me and treat me as an equal. It wouldn't have been so dangerous if you hadn't blown me off."

Bucky felt his temper rising and tried to push it back down "You were in no condition to deal with Zemo. You had barely slept or eaten since your father died and you haven't taken proper care of your wounds since you lost your arm. What kind of fiance would I be if I just let you rush into a very dangerous situation like you did?"

She scoffed "Let me? If you let me? What are you my master? It's not your place to let me do anything, we're supposed to be partners and this won't work if you can't accept that. Besides, it wouldn't have been so dangerous if you had listened to me and backed me in the first place." She concentrated on her breathing to try and calm down.

Bucky sighed "Your father made me swear to protect you. I was trying to do the right thing, finally."

She shook her head "Is this some sort of sporadic protection based on your moods?"

Bucky shook his head "No, dammit Y/N I-" he took a deep breath and let it out slowly "I'm sorry. I don't know how to convince you of my sincerity. I'm trying to do better and I was worried about you. Which is why you will be under my personal care until Helen clears you."

She sat back and tried to relax again for a moment before her eyes filled with tears

"I'm sorry, Jamie. I know you didn't want me to go but I had to deal with Zemo myself. He's stalked me ever since I left him and I needed to see him go down." She looked around nervously

"He is gone, right? I don't really remember much after sneaking out."

Bucky considered telling her he was dead but there had been enough deceit since they agreed to marry so he stuck with the truth

"Zemo isn't dead but he was injured. Loki has him. He wants to make sure there aren't any other plots in the works. Zemo won't be getting anywhere near you again."

She nodded and visibly relaxed, then giggled "Good. Loki will take care of him." She squeezed his hand "Are we going to be ok? You sure you still want to marry me?" She paused "I mean knowing that I expect an equal partner?"

Bucky nodded and smiled softly at her "We're alright. I'd rather have a strong partner than some meek little wife. You scared the Hell outta me and I won't pretend I wasn't pissed but it's done now." He looked at her earnestly "Just please don't go off half cocked and throw yourself into trouble again."

She grinned at him "I can't promise I'll try but I'll try to try."

Bucky chuckled "Did you just quote Bart Simpson at me?"

She shrugged and smirked at him.

He ran a hand thru his hair "This is non negotiable. You're going to stay here and heal. Stop fighting me when I want to take care of you."

She huffed "Fine" leaned back and winced "Ugh, my whole body aches." then looked around "When can I get out of here?"

Bucky shook his head "Not any time soon. You're on bed rest until Helen says otherwise. I'll chain you to the bed this time if I have to, so be good."

She stuck her tongue out "I'm so much more fun when I'm bad."

He laughed again "I have no doubt, doll but being bad will have to wait until you are better."

"Do you think we should delay the wedding?" She looked around his room and smirked at him "I don't think we can fit everyone in here."

He shook his head at her, smiling "We'd better wait. I'm not marrying you until we can consummate the marriage." And winked at her.

She felt her face heat up and looked at her own hands, trying to ignore the heat in her core.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next 3 months Y/N followed Helen Cho's instructions to the letter. Including physical therapy to adjust to life with only one arm.

She was able to spend some time with her horses and did some riding with her mother leading her around the arena on Daisy. She had some challenges getting her balance but they took their time, a couple of days a week, and slowly she regained her seat.

Y/N and Bucky went on a number of dates, getting to know each other. Mostly staying in at her parents house which had a gourmet kitchen, formal dining room, screening room, music room, library, pool and tennis court. Not to mention the backyard with its plush lawn, pond/waterfall and gazebo decorated with fairy lights.

She introduced him to her horses and promised to teach him how to ride after the wedding.

They both felt the same pull to the other but were hesitant after everything that they had been through.

After a number of their dates they were both feeling more relaxed together, sitting together on the swing next to the pond when Bucky turned to face Y/N and reached for her hand "Y/N, doll. I'm so glad that you gave me another chance. I've really enjoyed getting to know you and feel like I'm falling deeper in love with you every day." He looked in her eyes hopefully "Can I kiss you?"

Y/N felt her whole body heat up and nodded "Yes, please. I thought you'd never-"

Bucky leaned forward silencing her with his lips firmly on hers, his right hand gently cupping her cheek, his left hand around her back pulling her closer to him. She tried to hold back a moan but it came out and he used the opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth. She opened up for him and felt his moan when their tongues met, fighting for dominance until she softened up for him. He pulled her into his lap where she could feel the beginning of his arousal and wiggled against him which caused Bucky to groan deep in his chest and pull away, hands gripping her hips to hold her still.

"Y/N honey you can't do that. Don't tease, I might burst. I want you so bad, doll." He leaned his forehead against hers, trying to catch his breath.

She smiled and tried to move again then whispered in his ear "You have me, Jamie."

His hands tightened on her hips "I thought we agreed to wait until the wedding. We can't-"

She kissed him again, more passionately, running her hand through his hair then pulling, hard, exposing his neck to her. She gave him a look and nipped at his neck before pulling back.

"We did and we will. I just don't want you to forget what you are waiting for. In case your mind wanders or someone else catches your eye. Can't have you straying."

Bucky looked at her in shock before kissing her again "Are you kidding? How could I forget?" His voice lowered "I still remember how sweet your pussy tastes, how tightly she gripped my fingers. I wouldn't dare risk losing you again and for so much more than your sweet, tight-"

She pushed him away after a chill ran through her "Ok I get it."

"Doll, no one could ever compare to you and you always keep me on my toes. I'm all yours until you get sick of me."

She smirked at him "I guess you need to learn how to keep me on my toes then, Jamie."

Not long after that nite, Helen and the physical therapist gave the ok to start working on her prosthetic. This involved time in Tony's lab which would have been more interesting if he didn't insist that she touch nothing.

After a few meetings Tony almost had it ready and Y/N was getting bored sitting in his lab. "Tones! What are you doing? I didn't know this was going to take all day."

Tony rolled his eyes "Well, it's not like a new pair of shoes, you know. A prosthetic has to be fitted and attached properly, especially one like this."

He walked over to her with her new arm. It was a soft ashy grey with threads of gold like Bucky's.

"It's physically almost identical to your arm. Obviously the color doesn't match but I thought the softer color would be nice. It was tough getting the fingers as slender as yours but I think we did a decent job." He fussed with the piece on her shoulder for a minute before attaching the prosthetic.

She smiled "It's beautiful." She paused, surprised "I can feel you touching it, not just the pressure but the warmth of your hand." Her smile grew as did her eyes, which were leaking a bit "Tony, how did you do that?"

Tony smirked at her "I'm a genius, that's how." Then he mumbled "And Princess Shuri of Wakanda helped."

"I'll have to send her a thank you card, or a diamond necklace or something." She was looking her new arm over when something glinted in the light

"What's this?" She muttered as she stared, then looked up at Tony questioningly.

Tony grinned "Barnes brought it over a few weeks ago. I think the diamond goes well with the vibranium, don't you?" He looked scared when she didn't respond right away "Shit. You did want it, right? I mean you are still marrying him right?"

"I love it, Tony. All of it." Y/N hugged him until he was rasping for her to stop. She pulled away, looked down at her new arm "Yeah, so I guess I need to learn my strength. Sorry Tones"

They spent the afternoon going over the arms features, attaching and detaching, learning all the details.

Tony sighed "You still need to have physical therapy to teach your brain how to regulate your touch, it'll take time but you'll get there."

She looked at him seriously "Will three months be good?"

He nodded "As long as you keep up with the physical therapist and work on it, that should be enough time but this will be a lifelong deal since there will be updates.

Why? What's in three months?"

"We haven't sent the invites out yet but the wedding is in three months. I need to ask a favor."

Tony looked shocked "Another favor? Do you know what went into creating this arm? How much time I-"

She giggled "Of course I know but this is very important and I don't think anyone else can help me."

Tony sighed "Alright, lay it on me."

Y/N looked at him earnestly and whispered "Would you give me away?" Her voice cracking on the words.

His eyes grew wide "Me? Are you sure? I'm just-."

"Just my godfather and one of the few people I know I can trust and depend on. Please Tony?"

He hugged her "Of course, sweetheart. You know I'm here for you, always."

After her talk with Tony, Y/N went to his penthouse to find Pepper and Morgan, they had plans for lunch and dress shopping.

Since she knew it would take time for Y/N to adjust to her new arm Pepper ordered in and had one of her favorite designers bring in their latest wedding fashion.

When they couldn't find anything Y/N liked they all sat down and tossed ideas around until the designer produced an old sketch of a dress that Y/N loved. They made a few changes until it was perfect, then took her measurements and left with an appointment for a fitting in 3 weeks.

Y/N sat back on the sofa and looked at Pepper "I guess we're off." She forced a small smile "I'm really doing this."

Pepper took her hands "Hey, if you need to take more time or just cancel the whole thing-"

Y/N shook her head "No. No, I'm alright. The last year has just been a lot." She smiled a real smile and told herself and Pepper "It's gonna be good. I'll be good."

@bigphattygyal @cjand10 @lokiandbuckysdoll

Chapter 23

@kimomoraba @avery199 @mishkatelwarriorgoddess @esposadomd

@sebsgirl71479 @calwitch @hhiggs

[pbandjesse]

I am feeling very nauseous right now and it's made me really frustrated. There is no reason for me to be feeling so bad!!! I think I just pushed myself a little to much today. not even physically really. I don't know. I should have come home earlier I guess.

I slept alright last night. I woke up a few times but I didn't feel to bad when my alarm went off. James was here to give me a hug and then I went to get dressed. James made me a hashbrown for breakfast and I ate that at the kitchen island.

We left for work a little late and of course got all the traffic that brings. I was lucky that even though there was an accident I didn't get stuck in a very bad traffic on 83. But I would get stuck in weird traffic in Hareford. Like right down the street from camp. Didn't make any sense and I still don't know why it happened. It was like 10 minutes! So weird.

I got to camp and got to work trying to put things away in the attic but I very quickly became overwhelmed because it's just a lot. I would end up finding my missing wash basin that was taken during color wars over the summer. Still had my label on it and everything! But at least I have it back now.

I walked that up to the art building. Spent a few minutes unpacking the fire starters I got that I am being lazy about. I also spent a little time shucking corn off the cob that I will eventually make into darts. I don't know why I'm being so lazy about it but it's a task I am slowly doing.

I went back down to the office. Answered some emails. And soon everyone else was coming in.

I got to tell everyone the positive news about the baby's gender and low risk of chromosomal issues. They were all very happy for me and also told me to stop watching TikToks about people's miscarriages and still births. Which is fair. They only upset me.

I had kind of a boring day. I did knit one square. Which brings me to 85. I have broken the halfway point. I am going to have to get a lot more yarn but I'm glad I am making progress. I would lay that out later when I got home. And it was just really nice to see the progress.

I had a few small projects to do for camp. Combing through social media to see where we have been tagged and collecting businesses and emails and other contact information. And then going through the vendor list Elizabeth has been using and figuring out what businesses no longer exist and taking ones off the list that I couldn't find contact info for. If you don't have available contact info I'm cutting you off the list, that bad business.

I had cereal for lunch. Didn't love it. Everyone else left to go to maiden choice for the horse program. But they ended up coming back because Stormy the horse got spooked and it was a whole ordeal. I'm sorry it didn't work out for them. Hopefully next week.

I would poke around online and did some other small tasks but I was really dying. I wasn't feeling amazing. But mostly I was just stupidly bored and I wanted to leave. I would end up sitting with everyone outside. Bonnie brought her dogs. Buddy, who I know, and Rascal, who I had met and was a little nervous Chihuahua mix. They are both very sweet old man dogs. And I was having fun petting them.

Soon though I had run out of steam. I made it to 7 hours. It was time to go.

I went to hunt valley to get French fries. And ate those in the car while I listened to a podcast. The caffeine from the soda and the salt from the fries gave me some energy and I felt a lot more settled.

I went to target next. I was getting greens for Crabcake to eat. And got me and James face wash. And I also got some silly little Halloween things. The mini version of the soft skeleton was an amazing find. I wanted the soft skeleton last year but I wasn't willing to pay for him. But $5 for the little? Worth it and I love her. I kept saying she was baby sized and James said it's morbid but I just said we all have skeletons inside of us, and I currently have two!

I went home and got a good parking spot. And was happy to see Sweetp and Crabcake when I got home. Ruby the Roomba was cleaning away. I would start putting things away. Soaked Crabcake in some warm water because I didn't feel like he was getting enough water time lately. I brought everyone outside. It was a little to bright for me so I laid on the couch inside.

Eventually I would go lay out my knitting to make a plan for what I will still need to buy and make. And then James was home! And I was very happy to see them.

We would hang out. Lay on the couch. James heated up some pizza for me that they made yesterday. We talked about our finances and what next year might look like. Possible new jobs and health insurance. What like might be like. All of that. I am glad we can talk frankly about money. I know it's not super easy for James's family to do so. And I can be pretty laissez-faire about money but it's because I'm just aware what I have and don't buy anything crazy. But we are trying to be more specific with spread sheets. And I think that's fair.

James would go for a walk. I wasn't feeling up to it. My stomach was starting to hurt. While James was gone I took a shower and washed my hair. It did t help 100% but it helped a little.

James would get home and I would deteriorate. Eventually James brought me my nausea medicine. I am hoping it starts working soon.

Now though I am getting ready to sleep. I brushed my teeth without gagging. Hopefully can take my vitamins and also not gag. I am looking forward to sleep.

Tomorrow we have the appointment with the high risk team. I think I get another ultrasound. I am expecting these two appointments to take the whole afternoon. I'm nervous because I have to go alone but James will meet me there. Everything will be okay.

But still wish me luck. I love you all. Goodnight!!

[ccrissproductions]

We Are Our Own Muse

Hi! I've been writing this fanfic based off of my maladaptive daydreams (thank you ADHD) combining my two favorite artist, Fall Out Boy and Kendrick Lamar, that includes a few OCs (based off of the life of myself and of the featured artists). Now problem is this is an adoption fic. I know-- I know, that is such a Wattpad-ten-years-ago thing to write. I know I'm sorry.

With that said, I'm like eight chapters in and I have no idea on whether or not I should post it. I figured post a few chapters here and see how it goes.

Chapter One: Destiny Child Enthusiasts

I would like to start off by saying that I am not a bad kid. 

Troubled? Maybe.

Misunderstood? Most definitely.

But bad? Nah; never. 

Okay? 

Bad kids don't use semicolons.

I'm just trying. 

Okay?

I'm trying. 

Right now, I'm trying to figure out how you get a mosquito bite under an ankle monitor. 

I don't even go outside for real.

I sat curled up on my bed with my headphones on.

Playlist been ended, they were just comfortable to wear. My solace, actually.

They were actually a birthday gift from my old P.O.

I just turned fourteen a week ago. Three days before that, I was in L.A. 

Now, I'm in Chicago. 

From one orphanage to the next. 

At least this time I get the attic to myself. 

I look at the sketch pad beside me and realize I've been spaced out for a while now. 

I tried to scratch that mosquito bite again--- that shit itches. 

I haven't been in the system for long. Five years ain't long. 

And I'm not an orphan.

This no "orphan Annie" shit either; I know my parents.

My aunties.

My uncles.

My grandmothers.

All that. 

Damn this bite itch. 

There was a knock on the attic door before someone peaked their head in. 

"Hey Stein," It was 3J. 

3J was a muscular man, dark brown in tone with a five o'clock shadow. His dreads were twisted and styled back in a way that reminded me of ram horns. 

I offered a small smile and an even smaller wave. 

"You coming down for lunch?" He asked, resting his arms on the floor. I shook my head 'no.'

"Criss (did I mention my name wasn't Stein) you didn't come down for breakfast this morning." 

I was not awake. 

The best thing about being in the attic--- you miss the wake up call.

I offered him a blank stare instead of my actual thoughts.

He returned a stern look.

Reluctantly, I get off my bed and move towards the trap door. 

"Thank you," 3J said as he climbed down the step ladder. 

He brushed off the nonexistent dust off his polo and khakis and started walking down the hall.

I followed after him. 

I watch everyone race towards the cafeteria. 

I walked behind 3J as we headed to the same destination. 

"You know your P.O. should be visiting soon?" 3J started. I smack my teeth.

Fuck that bitch. 

She's not the one who gave me the headphones--- nah, I got moved off her roster and passed to this new joint. 

This new one is the type who only has this job to make herself feel like a good Samaritan or some shit. 

The type to brag about the 'work she does' and the 'dangers she faces' to her friends while seeing every person that looks like me on her roster as future criminals or low lives.

God, I hate that bitch.

"We'll be able to tell her that you haven't been into any trouble lately," 3J continued.

Right, cause why get into trouble when I'm already wearing an ankle bracelet?

And define 'we;' you can converse, I'm just there to be present.

"Maybe, she can help convince the judge to get that bracelet off," he spoke hopefully, but I knew better. 

Shawty ain't doing that. You have to care to even attempt to do something that generous. She can give a shit less about me.

3J looked back at me and read the expression on my face and sighed. 

"Just be nice." 

As the saying goes, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Note how I'm silent all the time.

We made it to the cafeteria, and some kid shoved me as he ran inside.

I grab a tray and fall in line. Some girls get behind me.

"Ooh, rat bitch out her hole," the light-skinned one, looking like a Great Value Tessa Thompson spoke first. 

"Bitch needs to get her hair done," the dark-skinned girl insulted next. 

Her boyfriend was sucking her brother's dick last night--- but that's none of my business. 

"She needs some new clothes," the brown-skinned girl spoke last.

Honestly, she would be fuckable if she just shut up.

Her voice is irritating.

And she needs a new lace wig.

I got my food. Immediately, I considered escaping back to my room. Unfortunately, 3J is blocking the entrance that led to the attic and the extrovert in him is not going to let me not be in a social environment. 

So, I chose the emptiest table and sat on the emptiest side of that table.

Why in the fuck did these Destiny's Child enthusiasts sit across from me??

Someone please give me the answer, 'cause I want to know. 

I poked at the food on my plate. 

Lasagna day. I actually like lasagna day.

"Hi," 'Tessa' drawled out with a slight roll of her neck, Chicago accent thick in her voice. 

I looked up at her. 

I looked back down at my plate and took a bite out of my food. 

Could use some salt.

"What? you don't know how to speak?" The brown skin one (her name was actually Tatiyana. Her name didn't actually fit her, but, oh well), spoke, she eyed me with expectation.

Of course, I know how to speak. I just don't have nothing to say to y'all bitches.

I took another bite out of my food.

The dark-skin girl grabbed my tray and threw it across the table. The plate made a loud clatter as it hit the floor.

I eyed the room. 

All eyes on us.

"Well?" 

Do you know how entitled you have to be to start a fight with someone who don't talk?

Doesn't 'entitled orphan' seem like such an oxymoron?

...Bitch probably can't even spell 'oxymoron.'

I rolled my eyes, sat back in my chair, and crossed my arms; respectively. Without saying a word, I was daring them to jump.

Offense painted their faces like graffiti.

The princess and her puppets stood up from the table-- a silent threat. 

"Ay!" 3J called as he jogged over to us.

Fake ass Bianca Creed snarled. I watched her and her posse walk off. 

3J stood a few feet from me with his hand on his hips. 

I walked to him, and we started to leave the cafeteria.

"Stein, what did we just talk about?" 3J started to scold me.

I huffed and tucked my hands into my hoodie's pockets.

I didn't do anything.

"I saw the whole thing, Criss," He continued.

And you let them get that close to me? Damn, I thought we were cool.

He sighed deeply as we made it back to my hole in the ceiling.

"Just try, ok?" 

Still, did not do anything, but whatever nigga.

I nodded and went back into the attic. 

I laid back on my bed, earphones back on and still no music playing.

That mosquito bite pangs with irritation as I stare up at the ceiling.

My stomach growls.

I'm hungry.

[nocompromise-noregrets]

five good things

Time for one of these, I think.

I'm now off work for a week, hooray. I have no concrete plans except some studying and hopefully some writing, and a bit of touristing around town, possibly combined with lunch or a coffee with one of my longest-standing colleagues from job number one who retired yesterday and wants to get out of the way of the builders who will be starting to redo her bathroom on Monday, rather than months ago, as planned, when she'd be out of the way at work all day XD

I went in to job number one yesterday to make some hours up and tackle a particularly complicated task that needed some sustained concentration to get it done; I'd been intending to do it over Christmas but then managed to get the plague and didn't feel up to it, then didn't manage to do it on any of the weekends since then, so when Kate announced she was having a retirement do in our function room at the end of her last day I thought it was a good opportunity to get it done since it was on a Friday which is my non-working day these days. I got done everything I needed to do and also had a good long chat with Pauline, one of my other longstanding colleagues who's been volunteering with us since she retired nearly 20 years ago; I never see her any more because she comes in on Fridays when I'm not there, so it was really lovely to see her. I'm really going to miss Kate, as she's the last member of the team I first worked in back in 1997 to retire - but she's going to be coming back in and volunteering so hopefully we won't lose touch. I've known her (and Pauline, and Julie, our erstwhile manager who retired five years ago) more than half my life and they've all been so incredibly supportive over my career, but none more so than Kate. She's incredibly perceptive and understanding, kind to a fault, and I think she knows me better than I know myself (I am not at all self-analytical or perceptive or any of that stuff). We've been meaning to go for lunch for at least six years, since we haven't worked so closely together after the last restructure eight years ago, and never getting round to it, so I rather hope we can sort something out soon.

The retirement do was lovely - Kate's family were there (including her Oscar-winning son, for those of you who remember that particular excitement this time last year) and colleagues past and present, everyone brought some food, Kate gave us a quiz about herself to see how much attention we'd all been paying over the 36 years we'd variously known her (she started working with us in the autumn of 1987 - so ten years before I did) which was huge fun - my table won, enormously satisfyingly XD although we did have a bit of an advantage with both me and my work wife Helen as we both know her pretty well :D - and it was enormous fun, although I'm in huge denial that she's actually left. I went on to the pub with three former colleagues who I don't see nearly enough of, and wended my way home at the end of the night feeling warm and happy and generally rather good. I'll be getting my long-service award next year (25 years!!!) and I do feel rather as though it's about time I stepped into Kate, Pauline and Julie's very supportive shoes for our younger members of staff.

On Thursday I had a very productive online meeting for job number two, for a project that my predecessor handed on to me without really any guidance as to what I was going to do with it or how (he was very much a project manager and I am very much not, and I think he just expected me to be able to take it and run with it) - I'd had it on the back burner for several years as I just did not know what to do with it, but this year I feel like everything's coming together a bit and I got in touch with the academic who'd thought of it in the first place to say I was almost in a position to facilitate something, and she nearly bit my hands off XD we finally managed to get our schedules aligned on Thursday and she and a colleague and I got a bit of a plan together which is likely to involve me facilitating but not doing much else, which suits me absolutely fine.

Also for job number two I had an enquirer at location number two who wanted to come and look at the house's Catholic chapel registers for a history of the neighbouring village where he lives in a monastery because he is a Benedictine monk. I had never met a monk before, so I was completely intrigued, and he was really lovely - quite young, and very nerdy about history, so we hit it off very well, he found what he wanted in the registers, and then we went for a wander in the Anglican churchyard next to the house looking for gravestones for the family he was looking for. Dealing with enquiries and enquirers isn't my favourite part of the job, but it's always rather rewarding when someone finds what they wants and goes away happy.

Since those five were all work-related...I've done a bit of writing this week on two Femslash February prompts and a birthday fic for @lemurious in her Astronomer!Arwen 'verse, and it's been so nice to be back at it. I haven't felt much inspiration just lately and I've really missed it.

We're plotting fun things for Barduil Month in April over at @bi-widower-dads :D

We have a new boiler! We have heating! And a much better thermostat and more economical boiler and better radiator controls and everything is so much more comfortable. :D

It's nearly spring! Our daffodils have been out for weeks, and one of my peach trees has been in full bloom for about two weeks at this point, although the other one is still only thinking about putting buds out, which is a bit weird because normally they flower together - but the later one is in a shadier position so maybe that's got something to do with it.

I had a couple of nice walks round the docks to and from the garage where the TT was having a couple of things fixed, one first thing in the morning when everything was misty and the water was still as a millpond, and one late in the afternoon when the sun was just beginning to head for the horizon, and it reminded me how beautiful our little city is. I don't usually see the pretty bits, but I feel like I should make more effort to go up to the docks more regularly than once a year around my birthday, when we don't usually enjoy it because all the pubs are showing the Six Nations and the horse racing and we have no interest in either of them. Thinking we might go up during the week this year, instead of the weekend, when the rugby at least isn't on, although it's Gold Cup week so there's no escaping the horses. Still, there are a couple of new places opened now so maybe one of those doesn't have a TV. XD

I have some lovely Lumene skincare stuff again, having discovered that John Lewis sells it over here. It's just the nicest stuff, from Finland, all full of Nordic botanicals and things, and after a while where they weren't shipping to the UK, they are again now, plus I can also get it from John Lewis (I have clearly arrived among the middle-aged middle classes, I have a John Lewis online account now XD ), hooray.

It's nearly bike weather again! I might see if I can get him started up this week, as long as it's not too cold and/or wet.

I've been having so much fun with @mihrsuri RPing in-universe fandom drama in her Tudors OT3-'verse :D :D :D <333333

good lord, thirteen things. Not bad :D

As always, if anyone wants to take this idea and run with it, do feel free. Five (or more!) good things, no matter how big or small. A little bit of positivity in the midst of everything else.

[analogwriting]

ok I feel a bit weird sending in another message today, but the newest chapters put me in such a killer mood I wanted to read more for him

and I must say??? We need more killer writers pls 😔 I love oneshots, hcs, all that stuff, but where are my longfics??? not to complain (i am), but WHERE IS THE SLOWBURN??

ambrose you are a godsend fr fr… I get so picky with this kind of thing because sometimes i’ll say “Oh I don’t like slowburn THAT much” but the moment I find a good slowburn, I will eat that shit up. I will be HOOKED on my phone for hours at a time and let my work pile up because yeah, these fics have me forgetting I need to sleep

Wish I could give you all the kisses in the world because you really just spoil us with ur amazing writing… ive never felt so blessed by an author before cuz the way the slowburn is so agonizing it has me ripping apart my lungs, my heart aching, myself going insane… I live for it.

Respect to you and other slowburn authors, cuz it takes a lot of work to write one… I always find other law or killer fics and the relationships always feel so rushed 😔 please, law and killer are such slowburn potential characters and i hate to see them act so impulsive in other works. I love how u write tho. So so so much. everything is so slow and i love it

(one day I’ll get to reading your law fanfic…hopefully this weekend)

anyways, me 🤝 number 1 kese hater, next chapters are rlly gonna get me 😭

-long rants anon

first of all, don't feel weird. I love getting asks, replies, or anything. no matter how many times. I eat that shit UP ✋✋

second, FKSKFKEKOD???? got me ugly crying on main frfr with this ask. i literally called my bsf crying 💀 you're so fucking sweet??? im just a funky little guy that had a few dreams and decided to write em out bc fuck it and to know that people are enjoying it that much is so insane to me 😭😭😭

im a sucker for slowburn and would eat that shit for breakfast lunch and dinner if I could. i just never really found it of my favorite characters so i was like "dammit if i want this shit gonna have to make it myself ig" i always felt like the law stories kinda happened to fast as well and i wanted some PINING. and then when I started my killer fic, there was hardly any killer content in general. there seems to be a surge in content for him tho which I am forever excited about my mans deserves it.

like the last time I wrote fanfiction it was a decade ago when I was first starting off high school. (not counting rps n shit with friends that continued forever)

never in a million years did i know people would enjoy it as much as they are and that shit makes me so unbelievably happy. like y'all have no idea. when i say i be giggling and kicking my feet n shit I MEAN IT

like this is me every time I get y'all's comments n shit. like I be giggling and just glowing all day. (it's partially why I just kept the trend of posting updates at night so I can wake up to them nice messages 💅 start the day off RIGHT)

like my head is reeling from this ask and im on cloud nine frfr. you are so fucking sweet and i just want to tuck you in my pocket and keep you safe. like FJSKDKDKS I'm going to be thinking about this all day and probably the rest of the week if not forever 😭😭😭

but seriously, from the bottom of my soul, thank you for this. shit makes my year frfr. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[fiftytwotwentythree]

Wellness Wednesday:

Plotting - Planning

Plotting/Planning on what?

I am plotting, planning, prepping for a Family Road Trip, a Bro Trip - In General PTO/Vacation, a Short Term Meal/Diet Challenge, Next Year's Challenge (52 in 24), Possible Birthday Party for Myself, and What my First Real Cheat Meal is going to look like January 1st, 2024...

That's what's rolling through my head - helps me pass the time.

Beyond that - I don't feel like much is going on - Feel like I am in a limbo. I definitely feel better than I did last week - teetering back to neutral - hopefully moving towards the "positive".

Found a new respect/passion for reading comics... I've enjoyed them in the past but found some nice trades recently that have increased the flame.

Movie-wise - I am fizzling out. Nothing looking good - sitting good lately. Hopefully Barbie can rekindle my love.

In other news I've been taking naps during my work lunch. They have been greatly needed and cherished but haven't cured my sleep pains.

Had another plateau in weightloss - no sweat - been feeling good about my body lately.

Basically... been just a chill week.

.

.

29th CHECK-IN:

Current Goals:

Lose 52 lbs

Completed as of 4/12/2023

New Goal: Maintain or Continue on The Weight Loss Path

Avoid "Junk Food"

Minimize Take-Out / Fast Food Consumption

Short Term:

Vegetarian-ish Diet: Completed

End Date: 4/09/2023 - 46 Days Total

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.

Meal Tracker:

THURSDAY

Lunch:

Can of Progresso Lasagna Style Soup

- 8 Crackers

(2) Slices of Buttered Wheat Bread

(2) Scoops of Broccoli Cheddar Pasta Salad

Snack:

(2)Large Bowl of Valley Top Popcorn

(2) Handful of Good & Gather's Tex Mex Trail Mix

Supper:

(2) Homemade Crunchy Chicken Burritos

- (3) Tyson's Crispy Chicken Tenders

- Tortillas

- Tostitos Queso Blanco

- Busch's Taco Seasoned Black Beans

- Minute's Cilantro & Lime Jasmine Rice

- Herdez Roasted Salsa

- Pickled Red Onion

- Cholula Hot Sauce

- Sour Cream

(15) Small Pineapple Chunks

(2) Glasses of Chocolate Milk

FRIDAY

Lunch:

(3) Hotdogs on Toasted Buns

(1) Glass of Chocolate Milk

Snack:

(2) Handfuls of Good & Gather's Tex Mex Trail Mix

(3) Large Bowls of Valley Top Popcorn

Bag of Ranch Corn Nuts

Supper:

(3) Grilled Cheeseburgers on Bakery Buns

- Lettuce

- Ketchup

Scoop of Cottage Cheese

(2) Glasses of Chocolate Milk

SATURDAY

Lunch:

(2) Johnsonville Beef Smoked Sausages on Toasted Buns

Handful of Good & Gather's Tex Mex Trail Mix

(1) Glass of Chocolate Milk

Snack:

Large Bowl of Valley Top Popcorn

(1) Glass of Rootbeer Flavored Milk

Supper:

Can of Progresso Tomato Basil Soup

- (6) Crackers

(1) Grilled Cheese Sandwich

SUNDAY

Lunch:

Bowl of Cesaer Salad with Croutons

Snack:

(2) Bowls of Smartfood's White Cheddar Popcorn

(1) Glass of Rootbeer Flavored Milk

Supper:

Bowl of Leftover Cesaer Salad with Croutons

(2) Small Oranges

(1) Glass of Chocolate Milk

MONDAY

Lunch:

Southwest Salad

Handful of Good & Gather's Tex Mex Trail Mix

Snack:

Large Bowl of Smartfood's White Cheddar Popcorn

Large Bag of Movie Theatre Popcorn (No Butter)

Supper:

Bowl of Leftover Southwest Salad

(2) Small Oranges

(1) Glass of Chocolate Milk

TUESDAY

Lunch:

Bowl of Mexican Style Street Corn Salad

Supper:

Bowl Leftover of Mexican Style Street Corn Salad

(1) Glass of Chocolate Milk

WEDNESDAY

Lunch:

StarKist Herb & Garlic Tuna with (2) slices of Pepperjack Cheese on a Croissant

Leftover Great Value Mutant Mayhem Macaroni and Cheese

(1) Small Orange

Snack:

(4) Medium Bowls of Valley Top Popcorn

(1) Individual Bag of Sahale Snacks Pomegranate Vanilla Flavored Cashews Glazed Mix

(1) Individual Bag of Sahale Snacks Fruit & Nut Trail Mix

Supper:

(1) Grilled Cheese Burger on Hawaiian Bun

- Top Secret Recipes' Burger Special Sauce

(1) Grilled Hotdog on a Hawaiian Bun

(2) Glasses of Chocolate Milk

(1) Ear of Firecracker Corn

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.

Workouts:

THURSDAY

(200) Jumping Jacks [4 sets of 50]

(100) Glute Bridges [4 sets of 25]

(100) Push-Ups [10 sets of 10]

(100) Assisted Push-Ups [2 sets of 50]

(50) Reverse Leg Lifts [5 sets of 10]

(50) Leg Kickbacks [5 sets of 10]

(5 min) Planks [5 Sets of 1 min]

FRIDAY

(200) Jumping Jacks [4 sets of 50]

(100) Glute Bridges [4 sets of 25]

(100) Push-Ups [10 sets of 10]

(100) Assisted Push-Ups [2 sets of 50]

(50) Reverse Leg Lifts [5 sets of 10]

(50) Leg Kickbacks [5 sets of 10]

(100) Sit-Ups [5 Sets of 20]

SATURDAY

(200) Jumping Jacks [4 sets of 50]

(100) Glute Bridges [4 sets of 25]

(100) Push-Ups [10 sets of 10]

(100) Assisted Push-Ups [2 sets of 50]

(50) Reverse Leg Lifts [5 sets of 10]

(50) Leg Kickbacks [5 sets of 10]

(5 min) Planks [5 Sets of 1 min]

SUNDAY

(200) Jumping Jacks [4 sets of 50]

(100) Glute Bridges [4 sets of 25]

(100) Push-Ups [10 sets of 10]

(100) Assisted Push-Ups [2 sets of 50]

(50) Reverse Leg Lifts [5 sets of 10]

(50) Leg Kickbacks [5 sets of 10]

(100) Sit-Ups [5 Sets of 20]

MONDAY

(200) Jumping Jacks [4 sets of 50]

(100) Glute Bridges [4 sets of 25]

(100) Push-Ups [10 sets of 10]

(100) Assisted Push-Ups [2 sets of 50]

(50) Reverse Leg Lifts [5 sets of 10]

(50) Leg Kickbacks [5 sets of 10]

(5 min) Planks [5 Sets of 1 min]

TUESDAY

(200) Jumping Jacks [4 sets of 50]

(100) Glute Bridges [4 sets of 25]

(100) Push-Ups [5 sets of 10]

(100) Assisted Push-Ups [2 set of 50]

(50) Reverse Leg Lifts [5 sets of 10]

(50) Leg Kickbacks [5 sets of 10]

(100) Sit-Ups [5 Sets of 20]

WEDNESDAY

(200) Jumping Jacks [4 sets of 50]

(100) Glute Bridges[4 sets of 25]

(100) Push-Ups [10 sets of 10]

(100) Assisted Push-Ups [2 Sets of 50]

(50) Reverse Leg Lifts [5 sets of 10]

(50) Leg Kickbacks [5 sets of 10]

(5 min) Planks [5 Sets of 1 min]

.

.

WEIGHT TRACKER:

Starting Weight (Noon, 1/01/2023): XXX.X lbs

Weight at Last Check-In, 7/12/2023: -1.0 lbs

Weight As of Noon, 7/19/2023: +0.2 lbs

Total Weight Loss: -78.0 lbs

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.

Closing Thoughts:

The Good:

I thought I've been looking really good in the mirror lately. Good hair - clothes fitting well.

The Bad:

Neck still sore/stiff.

Caught up on some sleep - but - still craving it.

The Ugly:

Nothing too bad to be considered ugly... if anything I've been living in a state of stale boredom/limbo... but still pretty chill.

[sillyjilly143]

Solangelo

Idk what to call this

Hi, so this was a request from one of my followers on Tumblr,

This is my first time writing fanfiction so if this is bad pls don't hate me.

I don't own the PJO series *cue sad sigh* that goes to Uncle Rick 

Sorry for all the bad grammar!

Summary

Will solace is a pheasant working as a doctor in a kingdom Nico Di Angelo is the prince of that kingdom and Nico runs in to Will and they end up together

--------------------------------------------------

Chapter 1:

Nico pov: 

Nico was having a bad day. That morning when his servant woke him up extra early it was only 11 am! 

Then when he got out of bed he slipped and fell on his bum! 

And to make matters worse, he got called to the courtroom because some guy had accidentally lit his neighbor's house on fire, when he finally got to lunch he had a giant headache and just wanted to be done he wondered what it was like to be just a commoner 

“Father, “  Nico said in a straightforward tone “I am going for a walk, “ he said

 “ok“ king Hades said obviously not caring            

Later

He looked around the town everyone seemed to know what they were doing and how to do it 

They all seemed perfectly at ease with each other like this was normal, well for them it was.

When he got back to the palace he was still in awe; he wished he could be one of them, not a prince he thought as his eyelids began to drift shut.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will pov:

 Will was up at the crack of dawn ready to go to work he quickly rushed through the park and up the white steps of the hospital 

"Ah Doctor solace," said Kayla a new nurse "we have a surgery at 3"

"What for? " Will asked

"Appendicitis," 

"Oh ok, what else? "      

"That's the only appointment scheduled for today," Kayla said

Suddenly a person was rushed in with burn marks everywhere 

Will rushed up to him 

"Hello, sir, what's your name, and what happened?" Will asked

"My name is Perseus Jackson and im burned because my insane neighbor lit my house on fire"  

"Ok, I've heard weirder" Will laughed "What's your neighbor's name?" 

"Leo Valdez and please call me Percy" Percy smiled 

"Ok we're going to get you to a room Percy, you'll be well cared for. " Will said in a gentle tone  

Later

"Ok so now that Mr. Grace's appendix is taken care of I'm going home I'vebeen here for a week and need sleep,I haven't been getting enough lately"  Will said in a tired voice 

"Ok " Kayla said Simply " good night Dr. Solace"

"Good night Kayla" he said while picking up his things.

Ok so thats the end of chapeter 1 also about halfway through I realized that i couldent make this a one shot so hopefully the next chapter will be posted tonight maybe

Happy holidays!

-SillyJilly

[audiovisualrecall]

Decided I'll skip making my lunch and I'll just get up early enough that I can decide and pack my lunch if necessary to go to work or not without rushing or stressing, so I went up to bed... and didn't get into bed until 12am somehow, and. Well. Now it's 2am and I'm still wide awake and idk why. And at this point I don't think I could manage to be awake enough to go to work if I wanted to But I still actually have to get up early anyway to hopefully find out from the other floral specialists if they answer in the morning if we have an order due or not for Monday, and I also if I'm going to call out need to do so at least 1 hour before my shift starts preferably sooner, so j have to get up early enough to do that, too, but now the time I set my alarms for to get 7 hrs of sleep if I'd gone to sleep at midnight I'll now get 5 hours and 40 mins of sleep. So that will totally definitely help with waking up on time, not stressing out, not having a meltdown, managing to make a decision, get stuff together if need be, and to be able to use the extra day off. I'm also stressing bc I'm scheduled for 36 hours this week not 40 so even tho I'll use sick time pto if I stay home (which maybe I'm worried I should be saving pto for if I get sick around the holidays bc it could happen and I shouldn't waste my pto on stupid stuff???) I still don't love that but also I keep ending up with 40+ hrs anyway just bc I can't ever leave on time bc Customers. So idk. Anyway and after all that idk if I'll be able to enjoy the extra day off yeah, bc I'll be SUPER TIRED all day!! And I want to use the day to work on my costume....why? For what? I'm not going anywhere unless I go trick or treating again despite being 30 yrs old... can't wear the costume for the contest at work bc I'm off on Halloween and also I don't want to ruin it yknow so unless I'm going in to visit on my day off just to participate and try to win a silly giftcard.. like why am I stressing trying to get this costume done in time for halloween?? Originally this was just going to be for ren faire next year! And yes I want the costume to look right but idk if it's really necessary to get it done in a rush Now now now??? So maybe I shouldn't...idk. now I'm gonna be so tired either way super overtired and I'm Going to have at least one meltdown. I have Regrets. And I have to be in at 7 on Tuesday, so I was Truing to catch up on sleep and get a good sleep schedule and wake up early even on later shift days..... yeaaaah..... so my options are waste pto and call out and be tired and grumpy and so end up wasting the day anyway, or run around like a crazy person in the morning to pack lunch and get ready for work and go to work super tir3d and grumpy and regret going instead of staying home maybe. But also might regret staying home instead of getting stuff done at work like changing displays, I just came up with a new idea of the maim displays that I really want to do, but also I could do it Tuesday, but also I feel bad not helping anita tomorrow, but also my boss may have scheduled all 3 of us tomorrow which isn't necessary, so idk.

[darkmoonkestrel]

daily kestrel 8:

I went to work early today but unfortunately did not get off early, such is the life of a daycare employee when the maximum number of people scheduled off and there are call outs. I'm not upset about it bc I am only working four days a week to account for my practicum days so getting an extra hour or two a week helps to compensate for that

some of the kiddos were especially difficult today but we all survived unscathed so I'm counting that as a win. i finished the book I needed to read for class during lunch today so after a bath and a shower when I got home I got that group meeting out of the way. we only discussed like half of the things I had in my notes but I could tell my classmates wanted to be done (and probably didn't come into this program from a background of literary analysis) so I didn't push it, I'm not that overly passionate about assigned literary discussion

Paige made enchiladas for dinner and she and Peyton are watching classic horror movies (children of the corn & halloween so far) in the living room. I came back into the office with the intention of doing work, got distracted into doing the white people lingo tier list that Tyler did a couple weeks ago, and have ended up opening Palia for the first time in like 8 months - not sure if it's gonna stick as a true gaming phase or not but only time will tell

Paige also made toddler trail mix today (consisting of frosted Cheerios, goldfish, dried cranberries, freeze dried strawberries, and yogurt melts) and this shit SLAPS i'm on my second bowl of it already. we got a showing scheduled for Sunday so hopefully the people like the house (and don't cancel before then) and we've sent a few places to our realtor that we want to look at later this week or next week. I finally remembered to call the vet and they do have the lab results back but our vet wasn't there today so she'll call me back tomorrow - fingers crossed for good news for Peggy, we don't need another bout of cancer, I think that would push me overboard on the list of real life problems I'm dealing with this fall. idk if I'm gonna go to bed soon or stay up playing Palia, it's only 9pm but today is one of those days where I got all the things done on my to do list and feel aimless afterwards so it may be bedtime for me soon. I've got my practicum day, our anniversary, and drag bingo tomorrow so some extra sleep probably wouldn't hurt, it's gonna be a long day