#like they’re both harsh on each other kevin is harsh in terms of exy

[jeanmoreaue]

Thanks for all the rankings❣️

Now rank the foxes by how close they are to Kevin😈

tyty for sending them in i feel like i should start doing the youtube S tier chart bc it might be more visually appealing lmaoo but okay i hope the Andrew placement isn’t controversial here, ik they’ve known each other for longer and trust each other a lot. howeverr Neil and Kevin are just two peas in a pod. cut from the same cloth. (but there’s also parts to Kevin that Neil doesn’t fully understand obviously) anyway:

1. Wymack (i’m including him bc it’s true)

2. Neil

3. Andrew

4. Abby

5. Aaron

6. Nicky

7. Matt

8. Dan

9. Allison

10. Renee

[silksufjan]

hi! i fear ive been misunderstood

i apologize if the way i phrased it wasn’t as specific as i should’ve been. i understand that ‘jacked’ is ambiguous and can be taken to mean many things (one person in the tags took it to mean ‘chubby,’ as is their right!) i wasn’t trying to make any kind of poignant point, i was mostly just thought ‘jacked’ would be sillier than ‘fit.’ i by no means believe that all athletes look the same, that all athletes are equally muscular, or that those muscles present themselves in the same way in different people because i know that’s not the case.i have experience as an athlete in a sport with diverse needs and body types, and that’s what i was imagining, but i know that’s not the case for what everyone imagines, especially for an ambiguous word with other connotations.

firstly, i think ‘jacked’ looks different on different people. not all athletes who are objectively quite strong look like they bodybuild. most don’t. in fact i think artists should experiment with what ‘jacked’ looks like based on past experiences/hcs/previous sports etc. (maybe dan has incredible core strength from her days at the club, maybe allison’s calves are toned from heels, maybe andrew&renee have strong shoulders… the options are endless)

but regardless, the foxes are by necessity quite fit. how this fitness & musculature presents itself is impacted by childhood experiences and onward, but to say that they’re not all well-developed in their own way just because that development presents differently & in different parts of the body in each person is… incorrect? problematic? muscular arms for example look different between one player vs another, but that doesn’t mean that both people aren’t muscular. even in the olympics you can see different builds within the same team! (eg team usa gymnastics)

i know how diversely strength can present itself from first-hand experience. i was on a 15s rugby team (only ncaa ii) for 4-odd years and miscellaneous sports before then, which is where my pov comes from. i also have a lot of personal experience with severe injuries & returning to sport when quite unsuited for it. i’ve been big and small and big and small again. 15s is a high-contact sport and not only embraces but requires bodies of differing types and abilities, something i imagine it has in common with exy. most people who begin playing college rugby have never played before, and come from diverse backgrounds in terms of childhood&teen experiences. some have never played a sport. i grew up swimming but refused to kick so i developed strong swimmers shoulders and weak ass legs. i switched to volleyball and my strength went all to my thighs. bodies change, as do what muscles are targeted & strengthened. even within a single sport there isn’t a one-size-fits-all in terms of what areas in the body are focused on.

(from the world rugby website)

but the harshness of the training regimen—especially in a class i team—tends to get you more muscular (and by muscular i don’t necessarily mean visible muscle; muscle is muscle whether you see it or not) just based on the sheer frequency and intensity of practices. they’re practicing at least once a day with additional time in the weight room. (and more times than that if you’re neil and kevin). not even to mention the fact that they have an athletes-only dining hall suited to the nutritional needs of athletes which helps build that strength. when you’re expending that much energy every day on practice & weightlifting you tend to develop visible and/or invisible muscle. you would be surprised how much muscle you gain under these conditions, even in one year but especially over multiple years. my team was only ncaa div ii, but was one of the best teams in the division (tik tok famous and mutli-time national champs lets gooo.) but even so, there was a very clear skill difference between us and D1 (a lotta injuries… it was brutal…). the foxes were chosen from the best of the best, they have the muscles & strengths attuned to their sport even if those muscles present differently than the stereotypical view of a ‘jock’. (i also think jock is a mindset but that’s a different matter) my point is, i was not assuming that the foxes are all built in the same way, just that they are all objectively athletes & that shows up in their bodies or how they present themselves, despite the fact that this athleticism presents itself in different ways.

for me at least, ‘jacked’ is not a one-size-fits-all, and it wouldn’t make sense for the foxes to have all the same body type even just based on their height, let alone their individual backgrounds and positions.

and i agree, imo neil probably is the smallest overall of all the foxes, but i also think he undeniably has strong leg muscles. i also don’t think it’s out of the question to believe that he exercised as part of his persona’s hobbies while on the run. at the very least, he must have ran at least semi-frequently in order to keep his cardio and speed at what it was (maybe it’s a skill he honed in millport, who’s to say). he came into the foxes as one of the fastest, if not the fastest, in class i exy. and over the course of the season, especially once he starts using his heavy, he develops a stronger upper body. bro is Fit. this does not mean that he looks like a 5’3 mini Hulk. size truly does not matter when it comes to muscle and strength. i’ve seen people of varying heights and weights absolutely demolish someone in a tackle. neil, to me, would be built like a wing in rugby because they’re often the ones with speed and stamina. the strength and muscle are undeniably there, it just might present itself differently than in other people. (i was a wing & our bodies varied, speed was what mattered. but to talk about straight up runners, if you look at sha’carri richardson & usain bolt, they are both incredibly fast and have very different body types. sha’carri is shorter and has a smaller stride but fits in more steps than usain does in the same distance. it’s like using different formulas to get the same answer: fast. similar outcome, different path.)

so yeah my intent wasn’t to harm or assume that all athletes look the same, because i know that’s not true. i want people to explore what athleticism looks like. their jock-ness is just something that’s so integral to their character and i want it to be expanded upon :D this is long but i hope it makes sense(/gen)❣️

guys. the foxes are JOCKS. they’re NCAA division i athletes playing a sport that requires speed, strength, and coordination. they literally get recruited from the top athletes. all the running and body checking they do require leg strength. using their rackets (esp heavies) means arm and core strength… they are JACKED ! they have MUSCLES !!! all of them!!

[bloody-wonder]

If you dont mind me asking, what is it that you like about Aaron?

i find all my favorite aftg characters relatable in some way or another but none so much as aaron. his personality is very likable imo, his situation of failing to connect with his sibling who also happens to better than him at everything is very relatable to me and i find his general problem of being a side character in a story he doesn’t really want to be in very compelling. also there has to be a character who will now and then unironically tell neil to fuck off.

1) aaron’s douchebag personality. first we see him in opposition to nicky and get a flavor of his harsh personality against the backdrop of nicky’s outgoing bubbly one. ngl i first knew i liked aaron when he kept shutting nicky up whenever he was verbally harassing neil in tfc - that was very appreciated. aaron’s rude, he doesn’t pull his punches and he also has this hilarious dry humor. idk what’s not to like unless ofc you’re on nicky’s side during all of their exchanges. personality type is usually the most important reason why i take to a character and that of aaron satisfies all of my needs. also, he’s a snob which i find very relatable.

2) “the other minyard”. so imagine you’re this pretty average guy with a pretty basic tragic backstory but then out of nowhere comes a person who looks exactly like you but 1) is an exy prodigy 2) has eidetic memory 3) is much more fucked up than you 4) basically steals the show no matter what you do. and then this person takes over your life and suddenly your mom’s dead and you aren’t allowed to date. aaron is eclipsed by andrew both in terms of skills and in terms of sob stories. he’s basically tahani al-jamil, only his camilla is his identical twin and has a history of violence. the only thing andrew isn’t better at is being “normal” so that’s where aaron concentrates his efforts which also makes him sacrifice any possibility of connecting with andrew. they just speak different languages bcs while andrew embraced his “strangeness” long ago, aaron sees the only possible way to a better life in seeking “normalcy” at all costs. he can’t bring himself to understand why andrew acts in such “abnormal” anti-social ways. he agrees to the deals without fully realizing what that entails and is horrified whenever andrew follows through. by the time they join the foxes he’s tired, unwilling to make progress but also unwilling to give up. they’re at an impasse. aaron’s this average dude trapped in a story that isn’t about him but rather about his larger than life twin brother and this gangster offspring who everybody likes for some reason. speaking of whom

3) let’s be real someone on the team should hate neil. it’s so frustrating that neil’s a brat but everybody likes him. kevin likes his exy skills, andrew has a crush on him and the rest of the foxes have adopted him despite his shady ways. why. the. fuck. neil comes out of nowhere and puts everybody in danger bcs he wants to play stickball and insult the mafia on live tv and everyone thinks it’s okay bcs why exactly? bcs he’s the main character? bcs he’s a cinnamon roll that has to be protected at all costs? a member of their team died bcs of him and everybody just brushed it off bcs they like neil so much. i mean i know why i like neil but if i were one of the foxes i’d hate his guts bcs that’s my reaction to people who are very popular for no reason - just another reason to relate to my boy aaron. i love their fights with neil, especially the one during the spring break bcs aaron repeats the dialogue they had after he killed drake showing that he’s as harsh and rude as neil and can keep up very well. it’s so funny, i think they hate each other cause they’re so alike and can’t bear to look at their own problematic modes of behavior reflected in someone else. 

tl;dr i like aaron bcs he tells nicky to shut up, bcs he tells neil to shut up and bcs he’s a cool dude who can do stuff and has stories to tell but compared to all the main characters he’s a boring nobody which i find very relatable

[xlady-saya]

someday there won’t be scowls [fic]

Relationships: aaron and neil, andrew/neil, aaron/katelyn

Summary: Neil finds that even with his mind's best efforts to hang onto the wounds of the past, his opinion of Aaron just isn't what it used to be. He can thank Andrew and Katelyn for a lot of it, but his own observations certainly help.

When he sees Aaron like this, the mix of worry and adoration on his face as he thinks of Katelyn, Neil can't help but feel too exposed himself.

It's a start.

Tags: neil and aaron bonding this time y’all, the usual fluff, references to canon violence

Read on ao3!

Contrary to popular belief, Aaron had not been drunk when he lost his phone.

No, no. He's just an idiot.

A couch cushion hits the coffee table as Neil rounds the corner, nearly knocking over a stray glass of water Nicky had furiously gulped down before disappearing to some party.

Neil watches it wobble. It's a needed pause, because he's not quite sure what to do.

He's not necessarily shocked to find Aaron here in their dorm. Now that he and Andrew aren't at each other's throats, the other twin is often around, either playing videogames or studying. It's the small concessions; the twins don't always talk, but the calm presence has done wonders for them. Especially in those first few months, the exposure did just as much as the therapy sessions.

It had been worth it. Even with having to feel Aaron eyeing Neil warily for months...Neil wouldn't take it back. It's because of those tense afternoons that they can all go on Katelyn's outings without a fight breaking out.

Besides that...Aaron does his best not to say anything too cutting, and it's good for Andrew. The slow acceptance, the effort, on both their parts.

At the thought, Neil smiles to himself. Andrew would never admit it, but having to war between his need to protect Neil while still looking out for his brother had been stressful with Aaron constantly antagonizing him.

These days, Andrew has been more relaxed, lighter. While Neil knows it's not all because of Aaron, their growing relationship is a huge part of it. Neil would never get in the way of that, so the sight of Aaron isn't unwelcome. Still, it's rare for him to be here without Andrew.

That's the bridge Neil has yet to cross, and doesn't really believe he has to. He and Aaron don't have to be friends for them to have Andrew's best interest at heart.

Aaron seems to agree.

He tends to avoid Neil when he can, or all the time really. Neil can't help but smirk at that; he’s certainly made it difficult for him, being friends with Katelyn and all.

It's not intentional, but it's too late to stop.

Vaguely, Neil remembers Matt planning a romantic night with Dan, and well...it explains why Aaron is here. He believes Nicky used the term 'sexiled,' which at the time was hilarious to Neil. When told by Kevin to 'shut up,' he simply employed the tactic later that night.

Served him right.

Another pillow flies to the floor, and Neil tracks it like a cat. He debates his next move.

Deep down, he already knows Aaron will do shit to help clean this up, and his frown deepens.

Normally, he'd turn himself back around into the bedroom, curl up with Andrew's hoodie and listen in on whatever exy podcast Kevin is listening to, but...

He probably can't leave Aaron like this, partly from curiosity, and partly because he's supposed to care.

He does care, he just sometimes wishes he didn't.

Neil dodges a flying plushie (a gift from Allison) swiftly, leaning against the door frame as he observes Aaron's frantic search for...whatever he's looking for. The twin looks two seconds from pulling his hair out when he finally spots Neil, and for all their progress, this part never seems to change.

Aaron's posture goes rigid the same time Neil stops breathing, their staredown freezing them both in place. It's habit after many, many fights. Neil waits for Aaron to say something insulting, to insinuate something about him and Andrew, and Neil's already mentally preparing for the retort. He knows the same is probably true for Aaron, except in his case he's prepared for lies and manipulation to fly out of Neil's mouth.

Or a fist to the face.

They expect the worst from each other, still. It's hard to break the cycle, especially with their history, and Neil stands stone-faced as Aaron squints at him.

Neil is stubborn, and he's not one to give up, another reason Aaron can't stand him. It just makes Neil embrace the trait more.

Knowing this, Aaron breaks first, sighing heavily at their own ridiculousness. They're supposed to be better, they shouldn't need Andrew to buffer, but Neil still wishes he was here.

Aaron grabs another pillow, seemingly just to have something to do with his hands, and scoffs.

Ah, so that's how this is gonna go.

"Make yourself useful and call my phone," Aaron orders, because he can't not have some of the old loathing in their conversation. Neil is fine with that; a nice Aaron would be creepy.

He's not ready to deal with it.

"I dunno where my phone is," Neil says with a shrug Aaron can't see, and it's the truth. Why Aaron expects anything more from him is his own fault.

Neil hides a laugh in his palm; it sounds like something Andrew would say, accompanied by the crunch of teeth on a lollipop.

"Typical," Aaron mutters, digging through the couch once again. He fusses with his hair, fingers itching from the stress. It's similar to when Andrew needs a cigarette, but Neil knows Aaron's poison.

Yet, there's no beer in sight, and Aaron doesn't seem to be moving to get one. It's odd enough to have Neil committed.

"What's the big deal?" He finally asks in the silence, walking forward to lean against the armrest and effectively blocking Aaron's search efforts. The blond's eye twitches from the harshness of the glare.

Good thing Neil is immune.

But again Aaron surprises him; the scowl doesn't last, the rare mask of defeat washing over Aaron's face. It's like the glare doesn't have a chance, can't possibly stay locked in when Aaron's thoughts are so opposite to the feeling of contempt. Before he even speaks her name, Neil has a feeling it's about her.

"Katelyn went out to a party," Aaron says, clearing his throat. Neil almost wants to laugh; Aaron is so terrible at keeping the affection from his tone. It's the opposite of Andrew, who can't keep it from his actions. "I wanna be available if she needs me, or just to know she's okay."

Some of the tension leaves Neil's shoulders. He understands in a few ways; while he and Andrew aren't the most frequent texters, they do let each other know their locations, and lately...

Well, lately Neil has noticed Andrew uses text to convey some of the things he can't in person. There's no grand confessions or love notes by any means. Andrew is still Andrew; there's just a new layer of vulnerability between the lines, inflections which Andrew's monotone would not allow. Neil's heart flutters, uncaged.

But in another sense, he's argued with Katelyn about this before.

They'd been having lunch one day without the twins, and Katelyn tearily confessed to asking Aaron not to drink some nights.

And well, that's what Neil deserved for seeing Katelyn as someone predictable, easy to read. He'd been sucker punched by that confession, but Katelyn's guilt drove her to ramble. She always framed it with an excuse of some kind she said; the vixens wanted to try a new club in a sketchy part of town, she was feeling paranoid because of exams, she'd had a fight with her parents, etc.

And Aaron, so devoted, never backed down from one of the promises. Neil had been impressed, watching Aaron dutifully drink sodas at Eden's instead of taking his shots from the endless trays.

Katelyn's worries about Aaron's addiction problems spurred the situation at hand, and Neil nearly made Katelyn sob from how against it he'd been. Not necessarily because it wasn't a concern, but due to the lack of trust.

No matter how Neil feels about Aaron, he knows Katelyn is his beacon. He'll do anything for her.

So, the least Katelyn can do, as someone with no gritty past or things to hide, is be honest with her boyfriend. Neil told her as such, not holding back. It wouldn't be an easy conversation, but one day she'd need to have it.

Aaron had yet to break her trust or lose control again, so Katelyn's betrayal of that sent Neil on a verbal onslaught.

Of course, Katelyn didn't take it personally. Something about Neil telling it like it is...

"It's why I tell you anything at all," she sniffled that day, her smile shaky.

Neil's never been known for being gentle, but perhaps he should've tried it. That, or Katelyn's still just working up to confronting this problem.

Tonight, she fell back on a bad habit. Hopefully, she comes back with something to show for it.

Aaron collapses into one of the beanbags on the floor, fed up with his search for the moment. The lines of tension and internal strife are all over his face, Neil nearly tells him to stop being so open about it.

But well, Neil blames himself for a lot too. It's easy to do, to imagine the worst case scenario, to already see something as his fault even when it hasn't happened yet.

He gets it. For once, he's annoyed he can't call Aaron's phone, but his could be anywhere. He winces to himself; he hopes Andrew doesn't find out.

"She's okay," Neil says, sinking slowly into the beanbag across from Aaron. From the way the twin raises his head, he's just as shocked as Neil is at the concession. Neil has always been spectacularly bad at the accepted forms of comfort. Maybe because a lot of the time they're a waste. But, he tries.

His foxes taught him hope, and he can't take the lessons for granted.

Besides, he's sure Katelyn is fine. And not his apparent definition of fine. More than fine, probably tipsy and gossiping about that one guy from chem class.

That's as far as his comforting skills go. Aaron waits for him to say something more, but Neil tucks his knees up to his chest, guarding himself.

Aaron frowns, but his eyes drift to the floor, rationalizing through it. The medical student in him kicks in, the one who is all statistics without room for paranoia, and he relaxes with a nod.

"Yeah," Aaron whispers into the awkward silence. "I hope she's having fun."

Jeez.

Okay, maybe Neil should've kept the conversation going. Katelyn and Andrew are safe topics, because they both have a lot of good things to say about them. It takes them off more dangerous paths, like the one they're currently on, sitting in silence and waiting for the other to snap.

'You don't have to be here,' the Andrew in his head critiques, unhelpfully. Mostly because it's the truth, he could abandon Aaron here and save himself from the weighted quiet, marred with tension and mistrust.

However, it frustrates Neil to no end, how he and Aaron seem incapable of having a conversation. Aaron is family, Andrew's family, blood which hasn't been poisoned by heavy hands and abuse. Neil should probably be able to carry a conversation with him.

He's sure Aaron's not thrilled about it, but the truth is, Neil plans to be around a long time. Andrew can say he doesn’t care as much as he wants, but ultimately, Neil knows he does.

Aaron regards him with a stony expression, perhaps feeling the same itch in his veins, the need to show he's improved as Andrew's brother.

Aaron clears his throat. "So, where's Andrew?"

Neil rolls his eyes. What the fuck was that?

But at least he's no longer in charge of making the first move.

"Eden's," Neil mumbles, pulling at the strings of his hoodie.

He doesn't expect Aaron's head to snap up, suddenly more awake as he straightens in his seat. There's a look on his face, Neil can't quite pin it down. Staring too long at Aaron freaks him out sometimes.

It's not often Aaron looks even a hair similar to Andrew in Neil's eyes, but the intensity shining there is hard to miss.

If he had to guess, he'd say it's suspicion.

"Eden's? Alone?" Aaron asks, and Neil doesn't know what to think. Aaron wasn't planning on drinking anyways, so who cares?

Under the scrutiny, Neil fidgets.

"Mhm," Neil hums, which only seems to draw Aaron's brows tighter together. "He said he had something to take care of."

At the wording, Neil bites back a smile. What sounds like secret-keeping to most people is more of a gift to Neil, something to wait for, something worth it.

"I need to talk to Roland," Andrew says, tangled up in the sheets with Neil. It had been a good day, Andrew pressed close and not crawling out of his skin to have space. It'll wear off eventually Neil knows, and soon Andrew will be forced to separate them slowly, pushing Neil to his side of the bed.

Still facing each other, still close.

Neil plays with the chain around Andrew's neck, tracing the metal cigarette at the end of it.

He feels the small font, can almost make out the words by touch alone...

"Neil," Andrew says again, firmer, and Neil's eyes shoot up. The fact Andrew's eyes are still so bright in the dark sends a shiver down Neil's spine.

Neil smiles sheepishly, but catches the lines of tension in Andrew's frame. He almost looks angry, but Neil's not sure who it's directed at. The storm locked in his expression swirls in a mixture of tension and consideration, trying to pick out any sign of discomfort in Neil.

Immediately, Neil's eyes narrow, heart cold. "What did he do?"

And well, he likes Roland, but if he's done anything to upset Andrew then...

Neil won't stop until he does something about it, and he tastes copper on his tongue before he can help himself.

But, the sight of a genuine threat in Neil's eyes actually softens Andrew's posture. Weird, how Andrew always finds the murder beneath Neil's calm facade to be a comfort. Andrew scoffs, fingers finally itching for a cigarette. Nerves. "Nothing. I just need to settle something."

And like that, Neil can see Andrew's not talking about a confrontation, and it settles Neil's own anxiety.

He's intrigued, but he knows Andrew well enough to understand it's not an invitation to pry. It's confirmed when Andrew turns back to him, a vow creasing his expression before the words leave his mouth. "Later."

'I'll tell you later.'

Neil sighs, content beyond measure. Yeah, okay.

And the words feel like a key, pressed hot into Neil's palm.

Aaron's voice brings him back to the present.

"Aren't you worried?" The twin says, incredulous. His eyebrows are in his hairline, like he can't fathom how big of an idiot Neil is. Something hot and ugly begins to simmer in Neil's blood. Andrew trusts Neil to believe in him, to let him know there's something itching at him and he needs time to get all the words together.

"Why?" He bites out; he doesn't like this, doesn't like the intrusion, the assumption he can sense coming. Neil knew enough that night with Andrew to guess that whatever Andrew needed from Roland was a vulnerable subject. And if he's being truthful, Andrew has been a bit off kilter all week. The anger he'd seen in Andrew's body had been at himself.

It means the blond is mulling something over, which he only ever does with the important things, because if he gets it wrong...

He doesn't want to get it wrong, not when it involves Neil.

It had probably taken a lot for Andrew to even admit to Neil he needed to go.

Neil doesn't take kindly to Aaron's old biases rearing their ugly heads. He thought Aaron stopped seeing Andrew as an uncaring asshole months ago. Guess he was wrong.

Aaron locks his knees together, searching for words which make him sound less awful. The search comes up short. "Well...he used to...hook up there, you know?"

Neil's knuckles crack from how hard he tightens them.

He can't kill Aaron. He knows that. Yes.

"I know--" He pauses to keep the sneer down. It's for nothing, since the viciousness leaks into his tone. Aaron's face falls in an instant, ashamed. Good. "I do trust Andrew you know? Don't you?"

Aaron opens his mouth quickly at the jab, but well, Neil's temper hasn't gotten any better. In true bitterness, he goes for what Aaron cares about, because he's never hesitated before. "Are you worried about Katelyn hooking up with someone at whatever bar she's at?"

Going for Katelyn is a cheap trick, but effective. It's always gotten a reaction in the past, normally violent and loud. He expects Aaron to jump out of his seat, to lunge for him. It's how he deserves to feel, an insinuation that his person, the one he'd do anything for, would go behind his back.

What he doesn't expect is for Aaron to freeze, for his jaw to fall open in quiet shock. The lack of answer is deafening. Neil's eyes widen, ever perceptive to the ugliness in people. It's so stupid, how he can't read so much about others, can't tread lightly with their sadness or embarrassment. It makes for awkward encounters, tactless comments. He has no idea how to read a mood, a room. Hell, he had no idea Andrew felt anything for him before Roland exposed the truth, and it had been going on for months.

But here, seeing the shame and insecurity in Aaron's features, it's so obvious it's laughable.

The silence envelops them again, heavy with a confession Aaron did not mean to give him.

Neil breathes in sharply, and some of his anger drains out of him. "Oh."

At that, Aaron's expression tightens, tone like a slap. "Shut up! I know it's ridiculous."

But not surprising. Aaron has only recently started to have good things in his life, not unlike Andrew. His possessiveness and wary attitude aren't exactly things he hides well. According to Andrew, Aaron's bouts of jealousy are pitiful.

Neil narrows his eyes right back.

"No," Neil says, before backtracking. "Well, yes, but it's mostly insulting."

It's a blow that lands; Aaron flinches from it. He has to know why.

Neil stands his ground; Katelyn's loyalty rivals Neil's own. He even got Andrew to acknowledge it, back when he was poking fun at how similar Bee thought he and Katelyn were. It's not fair for Aaron to be doubting her, when she's given him so much without hesitation. There was nothing but support from her during the trial, during the tumultuous months of therapy between him and Andrew.

Katelyn tries to bridge so many of the harsh gaps in Aaron's life, and trusts Aaron to do the same with her.

Neil may not be good with people, but he thinks he's spent enough time with Katelyn to know she'd never be unfaithful.

He almost can't fathom the extent of Aaron's hopelessness if he really believes she would be. If Katelyn knew...

Aaron sighs, burying his face in his hands. "No that's--It's not that I really think she would okay? It's just..." Aaron chews on his bottom lip, trying not to mess up the words. He can't be as careful, as deliberate, when it comes to these things. The fact he's even telling Neil this at all...Neil doesn't get it. He and Aaron aren't close, he doesn't even think he'd call him a friend. That's how much Katelyn means to him though, he can't have even Neil misunderstand those feelings. "I get scared sometimes and my brain thinks stupid shit, I know it's...I'm trying to be rational."

Rational.

It feels a lot like a crutch, like something Aaron is trying to convince himself of.

It feels a lot like 'I hate you' or 'there is no this.'

There's nothing rational about any of it.

Aaron will feel how he feels, the most important thing is how he expresses it. From how Katelyn smiles and swoons whenever Aaron looks at her, Neil knows he's done a good job of making sure Katelyn knows nothing about his deep doubts. Just like how Aaron knows nothing of hers when it comes to his drinking.

For her, the jealousy is just that, cute and harmless. It's not hiding dark doubts.

Neil leans back, contemplating. Comfort isn't his goal, at least he doesn't think so. Even still, the words tumble out. Kinda like a cheer move, but way less peppy and enjoyable. "Katelyn isn't the type to be with you unless she really likes you. While I don't get your appeal, and you're a grade A asshole, I never hear her stop telling me how happy you make her. Stop being pathetic."

He sounds like Andrew again he realizes.

'Stop letting it bother you or deal with it.'

From how Aaron glares, he probably thinks the same. Neil smirks.

"It's not so easy you know," Aaron grits out, fuming, and Neil worries he might leave the beanbag deformed from how hard he's twisting his hands in it. "I love her. Imagining it ending is hard, thinking of not having her around is unbearable. After everything...I just always think of the worst case scenario. Surely you have to get it."

Aaron doesn't manage to keep the sneer off his face for the last bit, and like that, Neil knows he doesn’t mean general paranoia. Aaron may acknowledge how important Neil is to Andrew now, but somedays it's easier to remember than others. Right then, when Neil is being particularly insufferable, it's a great feat.

Neil's never heard him actually acknowledge Neil and Andrew's bond before though, and Neil's not prepared for the assumption.

Or the derailment of his own thoughts.

Love.

It's not...it's not a word they use. Love is complicated, something that's been clouded for him due to heavy hands and harsh rules. His mother loved him, but to this day he finds himself wondering if it's the kind anyone should want.

His father hated him. Lola loved to hurt him. Neil never got the chance to explore the feeling until his Foxes, and he could probably say he loves them. He'd die for them, wouldn't hesitate to. But unlike his mother's own brand of sacrificial love, Neil would never think of hurting his friends. He likes spending time with them, getting to know them. There's warmth in his new family where his mother only knew frigidness.

Still, that's not the love Aaron is speaking about, and Neil tries not to grimace at the montage of cliché romantic comedies which fly through his head. He's not sure why he watches them, but it's hard to say no to Allison when she has him trapped in a chair for his monthly haircut.

The kind of love in those movies is not real to him.

Of course, Neil's not so stupid he hasn't wondered about this. After his feelings for Andrew became too hard to ignore, free of the weight of Neil's impending doom, Neil had to start thinking about how exactly to define them...

And yet, he still comes up short every time.

He's not quite sure what love is. He knows what it's supposed to be; devotion, protectiveness, comfort, affection.

Based on those qualifications, he and Andrew fit the bill, though people would probably debate the last one.

That's fine, fuck them.

Neil sees love reflected in Matt's eyes whenever he looks at Dan, the gooey kind, all open and adoring. He even sees it reflected in Kevin when he talks about Thea, except in his case it's expressed in pride.

Those things, Neil understands better. The actions, the tone. Those are the best ways to express anything. The words feel cheapened, lackluster.

He's not sure he will ever say them.

Aaron stares at him, expectantly, almost accusatory, as if he'll punch Neil for denying it. Funny, since Aaron would've loved nothing more than for Neil and Andrew to end things a few months ago. Now, Aaron simply doesn't want his brother manipulated.

As if Andrew would ever let anyone do that to him.

But in that realization, Neil finds his answer. He may never say it, but if someone were to ever ask, 'so, do you love Andrew?'

Neil would never even think of saying no.

And maybe that's all there is to it.

"Yeah, I do," Neil whispers, nodding and pushing the realization to the back of his head for now. He and Andrew haven't talked about it, Neil always assumed they'd never say it, he doesn't exactly need to. But...maybe...maybe it would be nice. Maybe one day Andrew would find it nice.

Aaron's shoulders sag in a mixture of relief and shame over his own feelings, no doubt seeing Katelyn's smile in his mind. Neil wonders what Aaron's go to image is, if it's Katelyn cheering him on at a game, or a much more private, intimate moment.

Neil sees Andrew's calm facade, lips around a cigarette, with a whole universe locked in his eyes. His expression is usually the same, squinting, like he's torn between 'stop staring' or 'never stop.'

Neil shivers.

Yes, if he didn't have Andrew...he's not sure what he would do. Andrew always told him he wasn't Neil's answer, but at this point they're so entangled Neil can't imagine a future without him.

Would he survive and make a good life for himself without Andrew? Most likely, but he really doesn't want to.

For Aaron it's the same, and Neil hates having to admit he's wrong. Looking at Aaron now, a war on his face and fingers itching for his phone, Neil gets it. Aaron has come just as far as the rest of them. He's much more alive now, in no small part thanks to Katelyn. Neil thinks he gets the pessimism, because he sees it in Andrew so often. Hell, his own paranoia has him in the same state somedays.

Aaron's feelings are the same as Andrew's, he said it himself. The assumption everything can fall apart at a moment’s notice is always looming in his mind, and he's never not expecting a catastrophe. The difference for the twins is now, despite that mindset, they fight against the urge to give up.

It's admirable, it's devotion, things he'd never thought he'd say about Aaron.

But here he is; it sucks to eat his words, even in his head. Finding out new things about Aaron is not something Neil planned to do when he walked out here, but he's not disappointed.

It's a start.

"I may not like you," Neil begins, as if to smother the unplanned warmth in his chest. He grimaces instead.

Aaron's head snaps up sharply, like lightning. "Like-fucking-wise--"

"But Katelyn does," Neil stresses, and enjoys watching Aaron's glare relax. It's impossible for him to be upset when she's mentioned, not even when he's angry with her, not really. "If you don't trust that by now you're a lost cause."

It's miles away from touching, from soothing, but it must work for Aaron well enough. It's Neil's own way of saying Aaron doesn't have to expect the worst with Katelyn, because he already has proof she'll weather through anything with him.

In the back of his mind Neil remembers grabbing Andrew's jacket sleeve before he could walk out the door one day, one very bad day. He remembers the words which left his own mouth: ‘don't give up on me.’

Eventually, Aaron settles back into the beanbag slowly, releasing it from his death grip. He tries to scoff, but he sounds too tired for it to be effective. "You're sure comforting for someone who doesn't like me."

And like that, it feels lighter in the room, because Aaron being annoying is normal.

Smartass.

Neil almost smirks; he's one to talk, Andrew would say.

"I don't like you, but I don't want to see you hurt." Neil shrugs. It's the truth; he has to keep Aaron from sinking to rock bottom, so Andrew doesn't worry. Neil knows Aaron still might not believe it, but Andrew will do most anything for him, and by extension..."I'll still watch your back."

Aaron quirks a brow, because he's an asshole like that. "That doesn't sound like dislike."

Neil's not quite ready to think about whether or not the statement is true, in the long run it doesn't matter. The outcome is the same.

"You're family," Neil states, and it holds all the explanation needed.

He's never hesitated to protect his family with his life, with all their awful baggage and selfishness. They stick together.

Aaron's eyes widen as he leans back into the chair, letting the words sink in. Neil tries not to show his own reluctance on his face, but he has to admit this is another way Aaron has gotten better.

He used to not acknowledge the upperclassman's existence outside of practice, but the fight has pretty much left him.

Essentially, even he has to admit he won't be rid of any of them any time soon.

"Yeah," Aaron breathes, breaking the awkward pause. He twiddles his fingers, fidgeting in a way which makes him seem so much younger, so much more vulnerable. His face settles on a glare eventually; he's not ready to look at Neil any other way. "Thanks for...watching out for Katelyn too."

It sounds like Aaron has a mouth full of nails when he says it, but it doesn't lessen the impact.

Okay, yeah. Maybe he's more progressed than Neil thought.

This is the man who wanted to beat him for even approaching Katelyn the first time.

Neil wants to open his mouth and refute it; he didn't do anything Katelyn hadn't already thought of in the past. When he gives her ideas, she sees them through. She's shown time and time again she can make even someone as hardheaded as Aaron bend, she's never needed any help from Neil and honestly, he's never given it unless he was pushed.

Before he can open his mouth, Aaron pins him to his chair with a steely gaze, voice quiet. "And...for Andrew too."

Neil feels his jaw click from how hard he tenses; Aaron is daring him now, daring him to argue. Bastard. He knows Neil's weakness.

And Neil hears the unspoken statement, sees it in Aaron's eyes, so loud and consuming: 'Even from me.'

Even from you.

Of course, Neil thinks. He'd kill for Andrew.

There's no way for him to deny it; Aaron has seen glimpses of it in Neil's eyes, the urge to throttle, to destroy anything in Andrew's way.

Out of respect for that fact, Neil keeps his mouth shut about Katelyn.

Fine.

It's so stupid, that Aaron has to corner Neil in order for him to accept even a piss poor attempt at kindness. It makes Neil grin, sharp and rueful.

It's the closest thing to an apology Neil is going to get from Aaron, his way of saying he was wrong to expect the worst from Andrew, to treat him like some unfeeling monster. Neil will take it for now, but if Aaron shows how little he believes in Andrew like that again...

Neil can't be held responsible for what happens.

Aaron throws up his hands, as if reading Neil's mind. "But no offense, I can't imagine you two having the 'we're exclusive' conversation."

Neil snorts, full on smirking now. "In Andrew's words 'you take up too much of my time for me to think about anyone else,' and that was that."

It was in fact not.

In reality the real conversation was much rawer, strung painfully along three days of trembling touches and long looks. The heaviness in Neil's chest had been unfamiliar, hollow and weighted all at once. He wondered, briefly, if it was what people felt like when they cried.

He hadn't cried in so long he wasn't sure. Sobs ripped through his chest with no outlet, no tears, no snot.

Like thunder, his heart pounding in his ears and pain beneath his skin.

Shockingly, it had been Andrew to put an end to the tension, to crowd him harshly against a wall and force them to talk about things Andrew hated talking about.

"I'm not supposed to be this for anyone, I wasn't supposed to live..."

"But you did. You are."

It's not a memory Neil plans on reliving here with Aaron; he won't be able to control his expression, his breathing.

He digs his fingers into the beanbag this time, and as hard as he tries, he can't get rid of his smile completely.

The night ended with Andrew holding him for the first time while they slept, and oh did they sleep. Almost twelve hours, the emotions taking a toll.

So yeah...

It's him and Andrew, until the end.

He knows Aaron must see through the lie too, at least a little, but he doesn't comment.

"What a bastard," he says instead, giving Neil a way out. It's not like he wants to hear Neil gush about Andrew either.

Not that he would.

Probably.

"You have that in common," Neil replies.

Aaron shrugs, not put off in the slightest. They didn't get to where they are now by being nice people. "Well either way I'm...that’s good or whatever. You know if he cheated on you I'd have to kick his ass."

Neil barks a laugh, so loud and out of character he claps a hand over his mouth to stop it. The idea of Aaron getting so much as a hit in is hilarious.

He can't even imagine it.

Then, Neil really processes his words. He's not sure what look is on his face, but it's disbelieving enough to ruffle Aaron into raising his voice.

"What?" Aaron shouts, and seeing him flush is so unusual without Katelyn around Neil almost can't comprehend it. "I don't care for you either or get what he sees in you, but I didn't go through all the trouble of breaking our deal and going to therapy to let him throw away something that's actually good for him."

Neil lets the annoyance roll off his shoulders; he could just as easily hurt Andrew, but people never assume it's him. Not like he would, but he wishes people would stop placing the blame prematurely. Aside from that...

Aaron admitted Neil is good for Andrew. Aloud. To Neil.

The smirk which grows on Neil's face is absolutely shit eating. "Sounds to me like you like me."

And, either from exhaustion or the inability to fight it any longer, Aaron lets out a heavy sigh. "Maybe one day, Josten."

"Like-fucking-wise," Neil parrots, and for once, the silence is almost comfortable. An itch under Neil's skin tells him it might be the first of more to come.

But, everything ends.

Neil's phone dings on the kitchen counter, and Aaron's head flies to it before he sees it's not his own. Neil, on the other hand--"Oh! There it is!"

He knew he left it somewhere.

Aaron's scowl is something Neil dutifully ignores as he hops up to swipe his phone. It's got twenty percent. That's an improvement, if you ask him. "I swear to fuck, Josten--"

Neil waves him off, swiping his lockscreen (it's a blurred picture of Andrew, because he refused to let Neil take one). He frowns when he sees Andrew's name in his new messages. It's not that they don't text, but it's still new for them to do it without reason.

It's early in the night, for Andrew anyways, and for a moment Neil worries something happened.

A: heading back

Relief floods his chest, mixed with what Andrew would no doubt find an annoying dose of curiosity. Neil can feel Aaron's eyes on him, like he's a zoo animal. He's used to it; the Foxes are improving, but his relationship with Andrew is a mystery in their eyes.

They're not exactly subtle.

N: that was fast. how was Roland?

He doesn't mean to sound suspicious, and it's not for the reasons Aaron might think. He's not sure why Andrew needed to go to Eden's, but if it ended in some kind of fight...

There's a pause, which he notes with some tension in his stomach. Andrew texts fast usually.

A: ok. didn't get to spend much time there so we didn't talk

Neil's brow furrows, but Andrew knows him well, and his explanation comes quickly after.

A: katelyn was there, I'm bringing her back

A: idiot rolled her ankle

Neil's eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. And Andrew says he's the interesting one. Neil can't help but be amused at the thought of Andrew being trapped in a car with the bubbly girl. Katelyn isn't exactly scared of Andrew anymore, but they don't talk directly. It really is a night of developments. Neil bites his lip to keep his grin at bay, feeling Aaron's eyes on him.

Oh, Neil is going to enjoy this.

He's not worried about Katelyn, just a bit surprised Andrew would bother with her. But, like with most things Andrew does, Neil accepts the facts and doesn't dwell on much else. If Andrew wants to explain he will.

It's not like Andrew will hurt Katelyn unless she deserves it.

N: okay. I'll let aaron know

He tacks on the purple devil emoji, the one Andrew showed him in a rare moment of instruction, and hopes his intent is received.

A: I should've never taught you what those mean

N: you're amused I can tell

A: maybe

Neil smiles then, a little less evil. The warmth which comes with Andrew pools in his gut and he shivers, unable to help it. The ghost of Andrew's fingers graze his cheek; if he were here he'd push Neil's face for smiling that way.

He never thought a 'maybe' could mean so much, but nowadays it's as good as a 'you're right' to Neil's ears.

Neil thinks that's the end of it when another message comes in.

A: Neil

He pauses, waits. Nothing. It feels like the clench of Andrew's jaw, the consideration before he speaks. Never impulsive, because he doesn't believe in regret.

N: yes?

The little speech bubble pops up to show Andrew is typing, and it starts and stops over and over. The tapping of fingers on a whiskey glass, Neil throwing off the rhythm of Andrew's routine.

It's something Andrew welcomes now, most of the time.

A: you'd probably like the stupid song they played in the club

An incomplete answer.

Neil's smile is uncontrollable at that point, it splits his face in a better way than hot coils, lifting the scarred skin and giving him wrinkles. Andrew isn't always able to say what he's thinking, what he feels, and this is one of those times. They're frequent, proof of progression which is always a tug of war. A few steps forward, some back. But every time it happens now, Andrew offers him a concession, licking wounds which aren't there just because.

Just in case.

But Neil's never hurt, Andrew wouldn't hurt him. The effort means more to him than he can possibly say, because he never asked Andrew for it, doesn't need it. Andrew is giving it, trying anyways.

Even when he doesn't get to the end of the road, Neil can see the destination.

He might not get to hear whatever Andrew really tried to say, not anytime soon, but he knows the truth in what Andrew did say: 'I'm thinking of you.'

Neil releases a shuddering breath.

N: I want to listen later

N: with you

N: drive safe

He won't.

A: maybe

'Okay.'

Neil pockets his phone as it hits below ten percent, and when he hears Aaron cough awkwardly, he remembers the rest of his objective.

Keeping his face blank is a talent he can only thank his boyfriend for.

"Andrew's with Katelyn," he says, as innocently as possible, moving to brew some hot chocolate for when the blond returns. He gets as far as pouring the powder when Aaron looks up, eyeing him as if he's trying to parse through his Spanish homework (without Neil's help).

"Oh, okay," he says, unsure. Neil raises his head as he stirs, watching Aaron blink once, twice.

He clinks his spoon against the rim of the pan, and hears a scream.

"WHAT."

--

Neil counts the night as a win on account of Aaron jamming his hip against the dorm railing in his haste to haul ass down to the parking lot.

The roar of the Maserati's engine is music to Neil's ears. He and Andrew spend time apart often, but he simply prefers to have him home.

He ignores the look he gets from Andrew as his eyes flit between Neil and Aaron, a silent question. Neil tries not to groan; he knows he'll have to admit it eventually, but his new Aaron revelations aren't things he wants to return to so soon.

When Aaron nods at Andrew, the hint of a smile present and Katelyn against his shoulder, Neil is the only one who knows it for the apology it is. Andrew didn't let him down, of course he wouldn't.

As Aaron turns towards the dorms with Katelyn, fussing and kissing her cheek, Neil doesn't miss the brief glance he sends his way. 'Sorry for doubting.'

And it's not enough for Neil, but it's a start.

With Aaron gone, Neil takes a bold step in Andrew's direction. The magnetic pull is too much, and he raises his brow at the twitch in Andrew's face. People who believe Neil can't flirt have never seen him get under Andrew's skin; it's shockingly easy for him.

Andrew, ever one for reciprocation, takes his own step forward. Neil sees the amused glint shine through the dark, barely there but so apparent to him.

Despite that, Neil doesn't close the gap. He sees the lines of tension wrapped over Andrew's shoulders, not put there by him. They've been there since he got out of the car with Katelyn; something had put him on edge, making him extra cautious, over thinking.

But Neil is there to smooth those points of tension.

Maybe Andrew and Katelyn did get to talking, it sure would be fitting after the night Neil had.

He walks over slowly, letting Andrew set the boundaries if he needs to. He doesn't budge.

"Can I help?" Neil whispers, and expects Andrew to roll his eyes.

'Don't be dramatic,' or 'I don't need help’ seems impending.

Instead, Andrew sighs, tugging at the chain around his neck.

"You tend to," he says, like it's an annoyance. "You do."

Neil grins, wrapping one hand in Andrew's jacket sleeve. He can tell Andrew is still trying to say something, but he's not ready. Neil doesn't need him to be. Though, with the urgency Andrew took with him to Eden's, Neil figures he'll find out soon.

In the meantime, Neil bats Andrew's hand away to pull out his necklace. The little cigarette had made him crack up when he saw it; he didn't think Andrew would actually take to wearing it, but then he'd seen ‘pipe dream’ engraved on it…

Neil hardly sees him remove it.

"You need one too," Andrew mumbles. "I'm tired of being the only one looking like an idiot."

"Get me one then," Neil shoots back, not bothering to point out how Andrew doesn't give a shit what people think of him. It's a joke, but sometimes flustering Neil is more important to Andrew than keeping his pride intact.

"I'm looking still," he says, yanking the chain away from Neil's fingers and stuffing it below his shirt. The movement is irritated, his body language is not.

And oh, that smile on Neil's face must be back, because Andrew snaps at him not a moment later. "Stop it."

"You first," Neil retorts, stupidly, definitely not his best work. But he can't focus with Andrew reaching out for him, pulling at his forearms until Neil's wrists are settling gently on his shoulders. The few inches he has on Andrew never fails to make him laugh, but Andrew's stare is so intense at the moment, the sounds dies on Neil's lips.

The lips Andrew keeps looking at.

Neil leans in, and as his lips graze Andrew's, he smirks. "Did you enjoy your girl talk?"

The blond tenses up in an instant, like hell has frozen over. The stare he levels at Neil is about as unamused as it gets. "You have never heard of a mood in your life."

Andrew makes a show of shoving Neil away while he laughs, but Neil latches on, because he's a shit like that and Andrew loves it. "No, I just know getting you back into the mood is easy," he whispers in Andrew's ear, his thumb sliding down his neck. He delights in the shiver he gets in return.

"Your arrogance is putting you on thin ice," Andrew grits out.

"Do something about it."

When Andrew kisses him, his hands hold Neil's face, and it's his favorite. Neil is pretty sure Andrew knows it, but he'd never point it out, for fear Andrew would stop in retaliation.

Neil is taller, but somehow he ends up surging up to the tips of his toes, the kiss electrifying for something so chaste, a kiss Andrew doesn't even deepen. They're in public, he won't do it, but it leaves Neil yearning anyways.

"It wasn't revolting," Andrew admits when he pulls away, his thumbs rubbing firmly into Neil's face scars.

For a moment, Neil's mind is so hazy he doesn't get it, and he blinks until Andrew catches on.

"The cheer--Katelyn."

Oh. Neil lets his eyes widen; it's not that he sees Andrew as an unfeeling monster, he would never. But...Katelyn is not his type of person. It almost makes Neil laugh, imagining Katelyn with her neverending stream of talking points, attempting to fill the silence of Andrew's Maserati.

Again, it's a start.

Maybe he can trade his conversation with Aaron for Andrew's with Katelyn.

"I'm proud of you," Neil says with a grin, and doesn't elaborate that he means he's proud Andrew is fixing things with Aaron in more ways than therapy. One gap at a time, he makes the necessary choices to sew up the majority of the wound. He'll always be Andrew, holding his brother and Katelyn at a distance, not compromising his own self and beliefs.

It'll never fit together quite right, far from perfect, but they're making their own way.

"For what?" Andrew scowls at him, moving his hands from under Neil's eyes to tug at his mouth. Neil fights him, but the grin can't hold up against the roughness.

Neil lets it go with a wink, which only makes Andrew frown more as Neil turns around. Katelyn moves slow, and he can see Aaron making her even slower by worrying too much. They're barely at the door. Neil sighs, shaking his head. "Ready to go up?"

They may not have privacy, but they'll have more than this...

"No," Andrew says, grabbing the sleeve of Neil's hoodie.

Neil reaches up to tap at Andrew's pulse, patient but not willing to be completely passive in this case. He's missed Andrew all day; he hopes his touch is enough to communicate to Andrew how he doesn't have to try so hard right then.

Neil doesn't need him to keep trying to force out words he's not ready to say; Andrew already had a lot taken out of him after tonight.

Neil too, honestly.

Andrew grunts, turning back to the car. It's the only answer Neil needs, and he gratefully hops into the passenger seat. Neil will follow Andrew wherever he decides to take him, for however long Andrew needs to clear his head.

It's nice, to run without running away.

Andrew's hand grazes his before clutching the gear shift, and they veer out of the parking lot with zero caution.

This is it, he thinks. Andrew's reckless driving after midnight, and a hand in his, with lots of time left to say what needs to be said.

This is it. Four truths: sunrise, Abram, death, us.

Briefly, as he remembers Aaron's confessions, he wonders, hopes even, that the twin feels the same about his life. No, he knows Aaron feels the same way about Katelyn.

That's not even a question.

Neil smiles as he rolls down the window, ignoring Andrew's comment about how he's like a dog, and jots down another line on the list of things to admire about Aaron.

Begrudgingly, of course.