#like they might’ve independently taught me how to brush my teeth

[boneless-mika]

My parents are like an mmo that thinks a forum is a good replacement for a tutorial

[rueur]

Morning Pages #17 (23.01.2017)

Monday 23rd Jan - 9:11 a.m.

This was the day I was supposed to be done house-sitting, but alas I will still be here until the end of this week. I hope that my cold disappears before then at any rate, because I’m pretty certain that the cat hair is exacerbating my cold symptoms and might be hindering me from making a full recovery. I woke up this morning coughing up what I hope to be the last dredges of my phlegm, so that I can give my all to ‘We Are Their Children’ before finally being free of all my worldly commitments for the next month so that I can move on to focusing on the new school year and also on getting a JOB. I need money, badly.

Well, not badly. I can live off of my savings if I have to, but nobody wants to do that. As far as your savings go, it’s really all abstract money until you need to get a home loan. Then all that abstract positivity transforms into abstract debt and you’re still left with whatever funds are available to you on your checking account or that are coming in because you are a contributing member of society who is rightly awarded for said contributions. I don’t know, I’m a little bitter. The job market is horrendous in Melbourne, and I just keep feeling like my inability to drive is just keeping me from too many opportunities. I should just buckle down and get all my hours out of the way, I know. It just seems so impossible right now.

I just took a break to read an article on this website called ‘lovespanky’ (I know??), well two articles actually. The first was talking about when the appropriate time is to add a date on Facebook, and the second was about signs that your date likes you. I am a very insecure person, okay. I was talking to Dan about this yesterday, looking for the male perspective. That’s what Dan and I love about each other, is that we’re an open source for each other when it comes to the inner workings of men and women. Dan comes to me with his dating woes and I come to him with mine. I usually have a lot more than Dan though, he can be surprisingly self-reliant when he needs to be. Anyway, I was telling Dan about how Evan might’ve been holding himself back on the date, or he wasn’t as openly affectionate as he had been when we were at Laundry last weekend. I said that I figured that might be to even out how physical we got last weekend when we were dancing, because we were kissing quite a lot, and the chemistry was very much alive despite the fact that we hadn’t really spoken that much. That, and the fact that he had gotten really dressed up for the date, meant that he might’ve been wanting to treat our actual first ever date more traditionally than the way we had met. If this is the case, then he seems to be quite the romantic. There’s really no point in analysing this further, I know. I had a really fun time with him and I hope he did too. He probably did though. Otherwise he wouldn’t have told me that he feels comfortable around me already. I don’t know! I keep doubting this entire situation in my head, keep feeling like I’ve misconstrued things, but I know it’s just me being filled slowly and silently to the brim with self-hatred. My period still hasn’t arrived and my self-esteem is taking a bit of a blow in the midst of this demon cold, and the fact that I know that I’ll be totally worn out by the end of this week because of this horrendous show, and not because I’ve actually been doing productive work (work that is productive to ME) with my time.

I’m still stressing out slightly, about when I’ll be able to get Emily’s place ready for when she gets back. I just had a bit of a mild coughing fit again. I was feeling hopeful that this cold would be over and done with. I went out shopping last night and bought a few more ‘comfort food’ or recovery food-type things: spicy Tom Yum noodles and soup, oranges and mandarins, chocolate biscuits, mango and toasted coconut swirl ice cream (it’s going to be consistently hot this week, well in the mid twenties but with full sun), and some chips! And some chickpeas and spaghetti. I think that for breakfast today I will have some soup and the last of my bread, to make a killer grilled cheese sandwich. For dinner last night, I had a mandarin, two chocolate biscuits, the spicy Tom Yum noodles, and a spoonful of ice cream or two. I haven’t been eating super well, I mean super much, in the past few days and Sam said that it’s important that I keep myself well-nourished if I want to get over this cold. I also think that I should wash these sheets because I went against Emily’s will and let the cats sleep with me a couple of times, only because those nights were super hot and it seemed cruel to not let them in here considering Bruno’s poor disposition when it comes to weather extremes.

I think someone might’ve just knocked on my door twice? I don’t know if it was a neighbour, maybe complaining about my coughing or checking to see if I’m okay or something. I only got to the door with enough clothes in time to peep through the hole and see someone dressed in bright orange make their way downstairs. I don’t know who it was, honestly, but I feel a bit bad now. I should’ve answered, I should’ve actually registered that they were knocking on my door because I hadn’t. I mean they might not have been knocking on my door either, they might’ve been knocking on next door’s door. It’s hard to say. The knocks always sound really dull here.

I’m not looking forward to rehearsals today, or for the rest of this week, really. I just want this week to be over. Jacob sent me a message on Facebook asking if I’m free tomorrow afternoon and I actually don’t know if I’m free. I got a rehearsal timetable in the mail and I remember it saying something about there being a rehearsal scheduled for every day this week. This has been such a mismanaged show! I don’t think we’ve ever had a show by First Impressions that has been this tedious to rehearse. This tedious and shoddy. Okay, I think I know who had been knocking on my door. I saw a guy pass outside my window in bright orange work clothes. I think he might’ve been the landlord? I hope not, oh dude. I hope not. He might just be a guy doing maintenance here. Actually, that’s usually the landlord, isn’t it? I really don’t know. I should get dressed so that I can answer the door quickly if he comes back. I haven’t even had a shower or brushed my teeth or eaten yet. I’ve just been working on these pages. There are a million things to do in the morning here. I haven’t even cleaned the litter boxes yet!

This whole ‘keeping myself busy’ thing with looking after the cats and being on my own was really great for the first three or so weeks, but I just can’t do it with my cold right now. I fell asleep last night at around half past eleven without reading any of my books, just collapsing into bed. I was so exhausted from all the time I’d spent coughing yesterday. I had a whole day of coughing fits yesterday, I promise you. I was on the phone with Ikaros twice yesterday, and each time I just fell into a massive coughing fit. I was, however, in the apartment all day yesterday. I recognised that yesterday was probably the last full day I’d have off this week because of the show, so I didn’t do anything. I did a lot of writing, some reading, and I watched Mad Men and then I went shopping and then I had dinner and watched The I.T. Crowd, which I’m kind of excited to be watching again. It was before Chris O’Dowd became a Hollywood film star, before he was cast in roles as attractive, eligible American men, back when he was just a STANDARD NERD. It’s a little nostalgic. And Richard Ayoade too, who remains relatively unchanged despite now being a very talented director and writer.

I just took a break to read another article: ‘If, When - and How - to End an “OK-But-Not-Great” Relationship’. Yes, the name is hideous. It has shown me, however, what I think of Ikaros and I. We’re relatively happy, yes. We can make do with each other. But is that enough? I can argue that it might be if there were even security here, but there really isn’t. He devoutly believes in divorce yet doesn’t believe in marriage. His perception of women is questionable and he has little rational, independent thought when it comes to feminist issues or civil rights issues either, despite both of these being major concerns of mine that affect me socially as well, as a South-Asian woman. He also has very openly stated that he can never give me constructive feedback on my writing because he has no idea what’s happening in it. And I need somebody who can support me creatively. I can support him, so this is of no issue to him. In fact, I do support him. Don’t I deserve that too? Don’t I deserve somebody who can see me in my entirety?

I don’t want to dick him around. If I’m not in this with him entirely then I’m not in this and he shouldn’t be in this if I’m not in this. I just don’t want to hurt him, but you know what I need to be honest. I’ve been postponing finishing these morning pages, I think. I’m nearly at the end of my third page, I just don’t want to be talking about what I’m talking about now. Point-blank, Ikaros and I are very different people and it’s certain that we’ve both taught each other very useful things, shown each other a refreshing perspective in regards to most of the modern concerns of life. He’s taught me the value of self-care, and I’ve taught him the value of compassion and self-sacrifice. He’s taught me so much about the history of the world and of mankind, and I’ve taught him about literature and gardening, which is now a major hobby of his. Lauren told me on the first day we met that sometimes people take valuable lessons from other people, grow with them, and then they part ways. Sometimes it’s supposed to be that way. I’ve been thinking a lot more lately that we’re meant to part ways. I mean it will be hard. It will be incredibly hard. He was the first complete love of my life.