#like the stepping stone from school to college to uni were terrifying steps to take

[evilweasel]

Hey guess what I just realized. Now that I'm IN uni and that it HAS disappointed me like I always knew it would, I have nothing left to look forward to!!!!

[rami-hoe]

Confessions (Part five)

Pairing: Josh x reader 

Word Count: 2.3K 

Graduation was just around the corner, and as much as I wanted to pretend like I was cool about it, I was freaking the fuck out. After the prom everything became far too real for my liking. This was it. On June 25th, I would officially be a high school graduate with the diploma and the hat and everything. University, something that up until this point had seemed like some kind of mythical creature, was now only a few months away. I was finally starting to understand what people meant when they said “the end of an era.” People I’d known for years would disappear from my life. Most of them would never return to it. It’s not like we were all joined at the hip, but the idea of never seeing the people I’d spent six hours a day, five days a week with for the last 13 years again was a lot more frightening than I cared to admit. 

I suppose I was one of the lucky ones, though. I wasn’t going through my graduation freakout alone. Josh was right there, every step of the way. He already had his college plans lined up. He knew exactly where he wanted to go and who he wanted to be. I, on the other hand, wasn’t so sure. The idea that I had to decide what I wanted to do for the rest of my life right now was terrifying- I didn’t know how Josh did it. Truth be told, I envied him. I would give anything to be half as certain as he was. There was no apprehension with him, no doubt. He told me he’d known what he wanted to do with his life since the fourth grade. For him, graduation wasn’t a giant leap into the dark abyss that was the rest of your life- it was just another step forward on a path he was already sure of. 

I tried to avoid talking about graduation as much as possible, but it wasn’t exactly easy when Josh was so excited about it. It seemed like every time I saw him, he had something new to tell me about the grad party he was planning, or the program he was planning on taking in the fall. It was a film studies BA and he couldn’t be more thrilled about it. It was at a pretty great university too, and he hadn’t really expected to get in. When he got his letter of acceptance, he was over the moon. I wanted to be supportive and happy for him and all that, but whenever he talked about where he was going, I was reminded of the fact that I was standing still. Thankfully, Josh didn’t seem to notice. He was too wrapped up in his plans, and I was grateful for it. I didn’t really feel like discussing my complete and utter lack of direction with someone who had his plan written in stone by the time he was thirteen.

                                                      ♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️

When the bell rang at the end of last period, I grabbed my stuff from my locker and hurried out into the parking lot. This week had been entirely too long, and I was looking forward to finally getting some time to relax. When I got to Josh’s car, I leaned against the passenger’s door and pulled out my phone. Beth and Hannah showed up just a few minutes later. “Where’s Josh?” Beth asked. I shrugged. “Probably just got caught up with Mike or something.” We were waiting there for about ten minutes before Josh stalked out of the building. 

“Took you long enough,” Hannah said. She was just teasing, but Josh shot her a glare anyway. 

“You don’t like waiting, you can walk,” he said. He unlocked the car and got in the driver’s seat. 

“Jeez. I was joking, take it easy,” Hannah mumbled as she and Beth scooted into the backseat. 

“You okay?” I asked quietly as I pulled my door shut. 

“Fine,” he replied. He wasn’t, that much was obvious. I’d learned to read him pretty well over the past decade or so, and on the Josh scale of pissed off, he was at a seven. Not good. But if he didn’t want to talk about it in front of his sisters, I wasn’t going to push it. If it were at a four or five, maybe, but not a seven. “Am I dropping you at home or what?” Josh asked, breaking the… Well, I don’t think you could call it uncomfortable silence since the radio was playing, but it was tense and no one was talking. 

“Nah, I’ll come back with you guys,” I said. When we got back to the Washington’s place, I followed my brooding boyfriend down to the basement. He grabbed two cokes from the mini fridge and plopped down on the couch. 

“You gonna tell me what’s bothering you now?” I asked as I sat next to him and claimed the second coke. 

“It’s nothing,” he said as he leaned forward to grab the remote. I snatched it out of his hand before he had a chance to turn on the TV. “Y/N!” 

“You’ve been in a bad mood since we left the school,” I said. “What happened?” 

“I just had a bad day, okay?” His jaw tensed as he spoke. Shit, we were moving into eight territory. 

“You were fine this morning, and you were fine at lunch,” I said softly. I didn’t want to fight him. If I got too pushy, he would just get more dismissive. “I just want to help. Talk to me.” 

Josh sighed and put his can down on the table. He didn’t use a coaster, but that table already had too many water rings to count. I was pretty sure his parents bought it knowing Josh would have it looking like shit in no time- it was the only cheap thing they owned. “It’s nothing,” he repeated. “It’s stupid. It’s just…” I didn’t say anything. It seemed best to let him get there on his own. “Ms. Larson stopped me after class today,” he started. Ms. Larson was his English teacher, and one he was none too fond of. “Said she was ‘concerned about me’ and wanted to know what my plans were for after graduation.” He scoffed. “So I told her what I was doing and she just looked so… Shocked. Like she couldn’t believe I actually had a plan.” 

I scooted closer to him. “She doesn’t know the first thing about you,” I said. 

“But she’s not the only one,” he argued. “Everyone- my guidance counselor gave me a pamphlet on exploratory studies before he even asked what I wanted to do. Jess is always making those bullshit jokes about how I’m gonna ‘drink my way through college. My fucking Aunt Lisa called to tell me how surprised and excited she and Uncle Bill were that I was going. Everyone thinks I’m just some stupid slacker who’s gonna mooch off his parents until they die.” 

“Then fuck everyone,” I said. “If any of them really knew you, they’d know there’s nothing to be surprised about.” 

“Isn’t there?” He laughed humorlessly. “I’m just some party boy screw up, right? People are probably laying down bets on how long it takes me to flunk out.” 

I grimaced at the harshness in his voice. Josh was always his biggest critic, and as aloof as he may seem, he took people’s opinions of him to heart. “Don’t talk like that, Josh,” I said. “Take it from someone who does know you- you’re a lot smarter than people gave you credit for. You know what you want out of life, you just aren’t afraid of having some fun while you work towards it. That’s not a screw up.” 

Josh tucked one leg under himself and turned to face me fully. “But what if they’re right.”

“They’re not-” 

“They could be! What if I get there and I can’t do it. I’m not like you, Y/N; I don’t have the kind of options you do.” 

I furrowed my brow. “What?” “I mean, you could do anything, and whatever you decide to do, you’re gonna be great at. You literally can’t choose a program because you have so many options. But all I have is this one thing I think I’m good at, and if I’m not… Then I’m just gonna be exactly what they all think I am: a loser.” 

It took me a minute to process what he’d just said. Was that really what it looked like from the outside? Like I just had too many options? I shook my head. “Josh, I can’t choose a program because I have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life. I don’t know what I love yet; you do. And that’s exactly why you’re not gonna fail,” I said. “You’ve had this passion in your life for so long; you’re not gonna give up on it until you’ve reached your goal.”

The faintest of smiles twitched onto Josh’s lips. “Is that what you really think or are you just saying that to make me feel better?” 

“I don’t know anyone more willing to put in the work to make their dreams a reality than you,” I said. “You’re gonna kick this program’s ass.” 

Josh leaned in and kissed me softly. “Thank you,” he whispered against my lips. 

I chuckled. “You’re welcome,” I said. “And if anybody else tries to tell you you’re not cut out for this, you send them my way.” 

“You gonna beat them up for me?” 

“What kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn’t?” He laughed, and I surrendered the remote I was still holding hostage and cuddled up to him. 

He turned the remote over in his hands a few times, but didn’t turn the TV on. “You know there’s nothing wrong with taking a gap year, right?” 

“I thought we were talking about your college problems,” I said. 

“We were,” he said. “But I didn’t realize you had college problems to talk about. And relationships are supposed to be, uh.. What’s that word? It’s like mutual but- oh- reciprocal!” He grinned proudly. “So we talked about my problem, now we can talk about yours.”  

I sat up. “It’s not really a problem,” I said. “I’m just feeling like I should have my shit together more than I do.” 

“I mean, how many people honestly have their shit together at eighteen?” he asked. “I don’t think it’s very many.” 

“It seems like everybody from where I’m standing,” I said with a sigh. 

“Nah,” Josh said. “It’s just a lot of people pretending to know what the hell they’re doing in life so the rest of the world doesn’t find out they’re scared shitless. Myself included. At least you have the balls to admit you need some time to figure it out. Plenty of people go to uni right out of high school just because they’re worried about what people will think if they don’t.” 

“I didn’t realize being aimless in life was such a courageous act,” I said sarcastically. 

“You’re not aimless,” Josh protested. “You want to figure out what you want to do- that’s an aim.” 

I snorted. “I don’t think that counts,” I said. 

“Of course it counts!” He argued. “What bigger goal is there than figuring out what you want to do for the rest of your life? It’s not a given. Some people never get there. You’re not taking a year to fuck off and do nothing- you’re taking a year to make a massive decision you haven’t had time to really think about yet. There is nothing wrong with that.” 

My gaze fell to the rings on the coffee table. “I hate it when you make sense,” I said. “It’s a lot easier for me to stay angsty when you aren’t being all sweet and encouraging.” 

Josh chuckled and kissed the side of my head. “Too bad. I don’t plan on stopping any time soon.” 

I smiled up at him. “I love you.” 

He ran the back of his fingers down my cheek. “I love you too.” 

“Can we watch something stupid now? I need to wash off all this coming of age shit,” I said with a grin. 

Josh laughed and turned on the TV. The sci-fi network came on; it was playing a marathon of the original Star Trek series. It took about five seconds to recognize the episode and gasp. “Oh my god, it’s Spock’s Brain,” he said. He turned his head towards me with this huge, open-mouthed smile. “If you want something stupid, this is the goddamn motherload.” He grabbed the remote, paused the show, and leapt up from the couch. “Hold on, I need to get some snacks. This is a masterpiece of the small screen- we need the full experience.” He ran up the stairs and into the kitchen. I wasn’t done laughing by the time he came back with a bag of Doritos in one hand and a bag of chocolate chips in the other. “We didn’t have any movie candy,” he said. “But these’ll be fine.” He sat back down, grabbed the remote, and looked at me. “Are you ready for the worst thing you;ve ever seen in your life?” 

“Hell yeah,” I said, and he pressed play. In that moment, watching Josh eat a handful of chocolate chips while this god awful episode played, it didn’t matter that I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life. I knew who I wanted to spend it with. And that was enough. 

[theelectricfilmdiary]

Our first morning in Ireland (30th December) was spent walking a trail to get to Mahon Falls. The falls were located about 30 mins drive inland from our BnB in Dungarvan and sit in a circular valley of steep hillsides. It was beautiful, freezing fecking cold but beautiful. The walk to the falls took about 20 mins over a fairly decent track before people started risking limbs and climbing up the side of the rock face to see the view from the top. Hiking gear not on my side, I made it about half way up before deciding I liked my ankles just fine as they are. About two hours of walking and clambering later we made it back to the car and munched on a mandarin lunch…. not Chinese… literally a bag of mandarins… dollars are tight. Next stop – the town of Cashel and more particularly The Rock of Cashel.

The Rock of Cashel is fortress that housed the kings of Munster for several hundred years before being given by the King Muirchertach O Briain (don’t ask me how to say it) to the church in 1101. Multiple buildings were added over the following century’s and then it unfortunately fell into disrepair as the cost to maintain it became too high. Now a heritage site it is still being painstakingly restored and preserved – the inside is beautiful (despite the cathedrals missing roof) and intricate stone carvings adorn many of the remaining doorways and altar tables. Further down the hill from The Rock of Cashel are the remains of Hore Abbey – I know, weird name. It’s also known as Hoare Abbey or sometimes called St Mary’s (which I found to be a strange alternative given the whole “virgin Mary immaculate conception” thing). Unlike the Rock of Cashel there was no tourist entrance here, just the ruins sitting in the middle of farm land, with a small muddy track leading to it. The remains of the buildings are exquisite, most of the walls are covered in moss and grass and the alcoves and windows house the local bird population. The top of the tower was cut off from the ground level, the steps up into it having fallen apart long ago, and through the narrow tower windows you could glimpse into a room where nature had taken over and a viney green garden had grown. Jim and I tried to find a way to climb up to it but three storeys of deteriorating, slippery rock walls prevented us – that and the fear of breaking all of the bones in our bodies if we fell to the floor of the abbey. Dinner that evening was at a truck stop called Mother Hubbards in Cashel township. We should have known better is all I can say for that meal…

The next morning (New Years Eve) we departed Dungarvan and drove to the City of Cork to drop our stuff off at our next shoebox Airbnb, then drove just out of the city to a town called Midleton, and more particularly to the Jameson’s Distillery. We did a tour of the old whisky distillery, though I have to say the one we did in Oban, Scotland was much better. James was selected as a lucky whisky sampler and got to compare what he thought were three fairly average whiskys; Jonny Walker Red (which he doesn’t like), Jack Daniels (which again, he doesn’t fancy too much), and of course Jameson’s which was just their basic whisky and was okay. Jameson’s won out of course. After the sampling we stumbled to the Jamesons restaurant and were pleasantly surprised by the food – Jim stating it was the best veggie burger he had ever had. We drove from there back into Cork where we unpacked and planned the next few days, and after a couple of hours of relaxing set out for a bar named Oliver Plunkett to welcome in the new year. The music was decent, the first band particularly, and the Hendricks & Soda perfect despite their inital decision to serve it to me in a massive/ridiculous looking wine goblet!?  The new year arrived and soon after we left for home base, stopping for the token hot chip dinner on the way.

New Year’s Day and our heads were pounding like so many others around the world. We lay in bed until mid-day, then walked into town for a very late lunch. Coqbull was a burger joint that offered up a tasty selection of boutique burgers and good music. Chicken with habanero chilli mayo and bacon, or Jims choice of a beef burger with jalapeños, pickled onions and a chilli jam. After our late lunch/dinner we walked around Cork township and then back to our warm beds – town was closed up and we were tired.

2nd of January we were moving again – we packed and left Cork, bound for Abbeyfeale in the County of Kerry (south-western area of Ireland). We took the coastal route down from Cork and made a few stops for photographs, one in particular being the Drombeg Stone Circle, aka the Druids Altar just out of Glandore. Another Stonehenge type megalithic rock formation accompanied by hut and cooking pit ruins from around 1100-800BC. We actually got to walk through the stones and touch them which may not seem like a big deal but after being denied that privilege at Stonehenge it was quite an achievement. From the stones we drove to Bantry, a coastal village where we stopped for wood fired pizza and an epic seafood chowder before continuing our drive until up the coast. The sun was setting by this point and the landscape as we entered the Kerry County was heart stopping. The mountains and hills border the ocean and are covered in grasses, sheer rock faces and forests in a mind-blowing spectrum of colours. We snapped a bunch of photos before the sun finally set, and then drove the last hour under the cover of night to our new accommodation. The BnB was great, a little hard to find out in the country since half of Ireland’s country houses don’t have numbers, (sometimes not even a street name), but the bed was the best so far.

The frost was heavy on the ground when we woke on the 3rd, and there were large patches of ice scattered all over the country roads which made driving super fun. After breakfast we packed up the car and shipped out early to get over to a coastal town called Dingle which I had heard a bit about. The town was nice enough, cute shops and pubs but the best part of the day was the trip there through Conor Pass….. holy shit, sheer cliff sides, towering mountains and to top it off there was ice everywhere. We stopped at one super awe-inspiring spot and climbed the side of the icy mountain up to a hidden lake. The view out was indescribable, it’s got to be one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen and makes me want to come back and spend a couple of months here exploring – maybe in summer though. Further around the hairpin bends in the road was another point where you could park up and look out over the other side of the range to the ocean around Dingle and the surrounding towns. I hauled ass up to the top of the hillside and got camera happy. When we finally made it to Dingle we stopped in at the Grey Bistro for lunch, Jim is addicted to seafood chowder at the moment so he ordered that, and I got a goats cheese salad which was pretty good. We walked around the township a bit and then drove further around the point to Beenbawn beach where the green farmland just drops away to the water. I got dizzy trying to look over the cliffs edge – Jim doing the whole “DONT FALL!” shake your shoulders joke didn’t help either. Before getting back to the car a super friendly dog also scared the shyte out of me by sneaking right up before I turned and saw it, then it bounced all over my coat with its muddy paws… cute and annoying…. mostly cute though.

The next day was the 4th of January and we were visiting the Cliffs of Moher – they were of course beautiful. Terrifying, with a worn, muddy and slippery as fuck farm track taking you past the visitors centre path and along the cliff top edge. My vertigo came into full effect when I got within two meters of the drop – all the while other tourists were risking life and limb by hanging their legs and in one instance jumping off the edge to a lower ledge for “epic” photo ops. Just watching it made me nauseous. It wasn’t helped by the “oh so suitable” boots I chose to wear which have no grip whatsoever. I nearly arsed over a few times and Jim slid his way down an entire portion of path at one point. The view was amazing though, unfortunately is was raining and cold and after walking for about two hours over the track we were heading back to the car. We also stopped to see a couple of other sites,  Poulnabrone Domen which is a portal tomb from the neolithic period that rests on a plateau of limestone that has slowly been eroded over the past 16000 years to look like giant puzzle pieces, and then a castle which has been turned into an artists school/uni type thing, called Burren College of Arts. After all the exploring we drove back to our air BnB and packed up for an early check out.

The next morning we departed for Dublin and had a long journey ahead of us as well as a stop at Galway for a look-see. Galway is a cute city, unfortunately like most it is a bit of a tourist trap and didn’t offer anything particularly special except the original jeweller where the Claddagh ring originated 200 years ago… apparently. We stopped for lunch and I had one of the best coffees I’ve had so far from a place called Coffeewerk + Press which was both cafe and design store/gallery in one. From there we continued our journey toward Dublin, planning to stop at Newgrange, an epic stone age tomb, however YET AGAIN we were too late, this time by fifteen minutes! So on to Dublin, where we stopped for dinner at Pigeon House and enjoyed one of our first decent meals in weeks – we actually had vegetables! Before we left we also spotted Liam Cunningham, the guy that plays Davos on Game Of Thrones! Haha that made our night! I was gonna pester him for a photo but decided to let him get his fish and chips in peace. Still awesome watching him in his natural environment hahaha – bit of a creep aren’t I.

Our Air BnB was pretty good, our host was having a slumber party with her grand-daughter and after showing us the house she stopped to chat with us while the kid (I’m guessing hopped up on sugar) climbed all over our bags in our room – laptop included…. what a fucking angel. Grandma didn’t really seem to mind too much either – good first impression all round. We decided to lock our bedroom door from then on.

Our last full day in Ireland was spent exploring Dublin. It’s a beautiful city, as with most European cities is has a bunch of gorgeous old buildings and museums, this time however Jim and I decided to stop at the Dublin Science Gallery and check out the exhibition. Amazing stuff, not just beautiful visually but each piece had a really cool explanation on the wall which outlined the artistic point of view as well as the scientific/political idea behind it. Pretty educational. Lunch was a spur of the moment decision and we stumbled upon gold, salads and sandwiches made with gorgeous ingredients (mozzarella, pesto, roast capsicum and rocket sandwich – amazeballs). The only downer was the girl on the table next to us who was apparently dying from plague, she coughed and hacked so much I got put off – even James did. Gross. We explored more of the city that afternoon before escaping the cold and rain by way of the Savoy Cinema – Assassins Creed. From there it was a short train ride back to our warm bed.

We flew out of Dublin the next day (7th January) bound for foggy London town, before we left however we drove back to Newgrange and did a tour. Unfortunately we werent allowed cameras inside the chamber but it was beautiful and we got to experience (through a special lighting effect) what it was like to see the winter eqiunox sunrise where the light lines up with the chamber entrance for about 17 mins (only six days a year). From there we were off to the airport and as usual the check in experience was great. Jim got felt up by security – he is looking a bit dodgy now though with his long unkempt hair and gnarly beard so it may have been justified…

scenery on the way to County Kerry

scenery on the way to County Kerry – Road tunnel through the hill

scenery on the way to County Kerry

Beenbawn Beach cliffs

New favourite at Jamesons Distillery restaurant

Beenbawn Beach

Leaving Abbeyfeale

Beenbawn beach cliffs

James and Cliffs of Moher

scenery on the way to County Kerry – Road tunnel through the hill

Cliffs of Moher view

Frosty morning in Abbeyfeale

Conor Pass

Beenbawn beach cliffs

scenery on the way to County Kerry

scenery on the way to County Kerry

labeling our whisky

Newgrange Entrance

Conor Pass – secret lake

Beenbawn Beach

Newgrange Entrance

Conor Pass

Limestone Puzzlefields

Lunch at Jamesons Distillery, Midleton

Cliffs of Moher

Jamesons Distillery details

Limestone Puzzle field

Conor Pass

leaving Abbeyfeale

Conor Pass

scenery on the way to County Kerry

Conor Pass overlooking Dingle

Cliffs of Moher details

Bottling our whisky at Jamesons Distillery

Conor Pass

Cliffs of Moher

James and Cliffs of Moher

labeling our whisky

Beenbawn Beach Cliffs

Conor Pass

Frosty morning in Abbeyfeale

leaving Abbeyfeale

James bottling our whisky

Conor Pass

James bottling our own cask strength whisky to take home

Beenbawn Beach cliffs

James whisky sampling

New year in Ireland Our first morning in Ireland (30th December) was spent walking a trail to get to Mahon Falls.