#like the pattern is nice and thats why she bought it (she sent me a pic but i didnt know she was actually gonna buy it)

[is-that-another-soulmate-au]

Alrught so Modern soulmate AU bending is still a thing because I want it to be, sit down.

Soulmate AU: lock and key.

Everyone is born with either a lock or a key somewhere on them. The most common placements are the neck or the wrist. Some can be on their thigh, ankle, or even their waist.

Sokka has a key around both wrists

Suki has a key around her left wrist and a lock on her right

And Zuko has two locks on a single chain around his waist just above his hip bones.

Modern AU: looking for roommates.

Zuko put some 'looking for roommates' posters around town and gets a call from two people Sokka and Suki. He decides to meet up with them at his Uncle's tea shop (which I'm calling 'Dragon Insomniac' because I want it to be a 24hr teashop).

Now, onto the story:

"Zuko, you told them to meet up at 4 , its still 3" his Uncle said as he set down his nephew's cup of tea.

"I kno that Uncle, I just wanted to be ready for them" he fidgeted in his seat for a moment and readjusted the sleeves on his shirt out of habit.

"An extra hour of preparation before discussing roommates?" Iroh chuckled when Zuko nodded "alright, enjoy the tea, I'll show them to your table when they get here"

Zuko hummed a response as his Uncle walked off. Taking a drink of his tea he went over what he planned on saying to the duo when they managed to get to the shop.

Lost in thought he didnt even notice it had been a half an hour already, and only managed to resurface when he heard the little bell go off and two people walk in, a tall man with an undercut and his hair pulled back into a ponytail and a woman with shoulder length hair with the top half pulled back into a braid going down the back of her head. The man had a blue jacket on while the girl simply wore a green turtleneck sweater.

"Didn't expect us to come in at the same time, wonder which one he is" the man said while looking around

"Lets ask the man at the counter, I think he said his uncle owned the place" the woman pointed out

Ah, thats them. Interesting. Zuko let out a sigh and tried to swallow his sudden anxiety. He watched as his uncle directed the duo over to him and they both kind of stared at him for a second, turned to look st eachother and then back at him. Most people have that reaction due to his scar so he didnt find it unusual. He made a small wave and took a sip of his tea.

The two walked over and took their seats "Zuko?" The man asked as he sat down

"The one and only" he smirked a little "Suki and Sokka I presume?"

They nodded "yeah, so uhm, we actually know eachother from high-school" Suki motioned between her and Sokka

"Oh?" That was a little unexpected

"Yeah, I didnt know you meant this Suki when you told me her name, we haven't seen eachother in years!" Sokka chimed in

"Is the fact you two have a past together a deal breaker with being roommates?" Zuko rose his brow

"Oh not at all! It's a pleasant surprise to be honest" Suki chirped "we were two of the very few non-benders in the school"

"Oh? That's a relief to be honest. Last time I roomed with another bender they broke my gaming console" Zuko laughed

After they went over the agreements and signed some papers they all hopped into their cars and the duo followed Zuko to the apartment complex. Zuko gave them a mini tour and showed them his animals, that being a bearded dragon named Druk and two cats named Mushi and Lee

Before the end of the day Zuko handed them both keys to the apartment and sent them on their way to pack up, telling them he'd have their rooms ready by the next morning.

And he did, he had the rooms ready and organized with beds made (he totally went out and bought them both really nice bedsets in the colors they wore that day.) Laundry hampers, little bedside tables and a desk in both rooms, knowing through text conversations that Suki blogged and Sokka drew and carved.

Sokka was the first to arrive, having spent most of the night meticulously packing his items into boxes. "Wow, this is different than yesterday? Did you have this packed away?"

Zuko let out a snort "no, I went out and got the blankets and hampers after you two left, my Uncle had the rest of it in storage, I steamed the beds though so you don't have to worry about any dust or what have you."

Sokka raised a brow "you went all out huh?"

"Just being hospitable, I hope you like the bed set, I'll go start lunch, you down for burgers?"

"Hell yeah I'm down for burgers"

Zuko chuckled "alright, Ill get them started, when Suki gets here let me know."

Later on Suki arrived and she was just in time for lunch. Walking in and slipping off her shoes to set them on the small shoe rack Zuko set up, she sniffed the air "oooohhh whats that smell!"

"Zuko! Suki's here!" Sokka called

"Yeah! I could here that! Thank you though!" And with that said Zuko rounded the corner and made a little wave "Im making Burgers, do you want wheat buns, white buns or Brioche buns?"

"Brioche please, I like the apron" she giggled

He flushed "it was a gift from my uncle" the apron simply read 'look at these hot buns on the chef' and Zuko didnt want to get a new apron because he was afraid of hurting his Uncle's feelings

"He sure has a good sense of humor" she laughed

The rest of the day went smoothly and they all eventually went to bed around 11 that night. The next two weeks Zuko was busy working doubles at the teashop, Suki was busy working as a bouncer at Kyoshi Rise and Sokka was busy doing commissions and working at his dads flower shop, so it was kind of a blur.

The Saturday after the busy two weeks they all had off. Suki and Sokka were sleeping in while Zuko was taking the time to do some morning yoga, donning a pair of black yoga shorts and a red crop top as he did his stretches. The soul chain and locks hanging around his waist now visible to anyone who might see him. Though he was sure his roommates wouldn't be waking up any time soon.

Little did he know Sokka was leaned against the doorway to the kitchen watching his flexible roommate do yoga while sipping on a mug of coffee. "So thats where your soulmate thing is?"

"Ack!" Zuko lost his balance and collapsed on his mat "you twat! You could have waited until I was in a more stable stretch! Ow that really hurt" he rubbed his backside "and yeah, thats where my soul locks are"

"Locks? As in plural? I have two keys, Suki has a lock and key"

"Oh? Thats uh... interesting?"

"Whats interesting and what was that bang?" Suki yawned as she walked out of her bedroom

"Oh just the fact that we all happen to have two soulmates" Zuko said in a grumpy tone "and that bang was me falling because this jerk scared me while I was doing yo-"

"Woah, you're kinda hot" Suki blurted and turned red "sorry, ive just never seen you in a crop top. You're uh, well built" she cleared her throat awkwardly

Zuko froze and turned beet red "uh, thank you? I kick box and do yoga and that's about it" he then stood and stretched his arms above his head "anyways, do you guys want waffles for- agh! What are you doing?" He jumped back when Suki reached out to one of his locks

"Shush, one of your locks has a similar pattern my key I wanna try something" She brought her left wrist up to the lock "hey, what'd'y'know, it actually matches" she smiled but brought her hand back to her side "I guess I'm one of your soulmates huh?"

Zuko blinked at her and then looked to Sokka and then back to Suki "why didn't you unlock it then?"

She laughed "well if you have multiple soulmates you have to have both unlock at the same time, thats why me and Sokka lost touch after sch- Sokka come here real quick"

"Oh my gods" Zuko mumbled under his breath as Sokka came closer and brought his right hand up and smirked

"Would you look at that, weve been under the same rook for a total of two weeks and never noticed." The duo then looked at Zuko "would you be okay with us unlocking them?"

He nodded and watched them unlock his soul locks simultaneously and watched sokka unlock Suki's. His face was probably the same shade as his shirt when the chain sealed around his waist as a sort of tattoo instead of an actual chain.

"Well, this has been an interesting morning. But I have to restate my question, who wants waffles for breakfast?"

>should I continue this? I'm tempted, but im gonna end it here for now<

[fineosaur]

50 questions

I was tagged by @jeynepoole, thank u <33

what is the colour of your hairbrush? i have 2, a black one which is kinda big and then a small travel-ish one that’s mint green. both gifted to me because i used to not own one and my mum and sister would find it ridiculous.

name a food you never eat? agh i kinda eat everything now... but i try to stay away from shellfish and nuts cause i break out when i eat either

are you typically too warm or too cold? in mauritius ?? in this age of global warming?? always too warm babes

what were you doing 45 minutes ago? i was having my first cup of tea for the day

what's your favourite candy bar? flake cadbury chocolate

have you ever been to a professional sports game? ya but i was like 2 when we visited anfield.

what is the last thing you said out loud? “for fuck’s sake” because my sister ate my breakfast.

what is your favourite ice cream? hmm maybe hazelnut but i love a bubblegum.

what was the last thing you had to drink? water, hydrate, bitch.

do you like your wallet? yeaaa, i got it this year, it’s rly pretty and has a snakeskin pattern that matches my phone case so well. even if im not one for matching stuff

what is the last thing you ate? i havent eaten anything today yet, but i had some chips last night.

did you buy any new clothes last weekend? i didn’t i didnt spend any money last weekend thankfully. 

what's the last sporting event you watched? hmm probably i caught a glimpse of a football match when walking by a tv but thats it. i dont watch sport anymore.

what is your favourite flavour of popcorn? salted! always. im a salty bitch to the end of my days.

who is the last person you sent a text message to? my best friend, who keeps trying to get me to take a pic of my supervisor BUT IM SICK FROM WORK TODAY.

ever go camping? no, im too high maintenance for that shit.

do you take vitamins? well ive just started on a magnesium supplement for my fatigue. 

do you regularly attend a place of worship? no lol, even if muslim women pray at home, i do not. 

do you have a tan? no :(( i really want one. summer is on its way here so i expect one soon enough 

do you prefer chinese or pizza? ugh chinese ofc. i only appreciate proper italian pizza, which you rarely find here. man now im just thinking of peking duck.

do you drink your soda through a straw? no i dont drink soda

what colour socks do you usually wear? i have light green, light blue, black and grey ones. that i interchange, these are all the no show ones. then i have regular white ankle socks for my trainers.

do you ever drive above the speed limit? i do not drive

what terrifies you? wow nothing came to mind. nice to know 

look to your left, what do you see? my rug, littered w my messes 

what chore do you hate most? washing dishes! but moping comes a close second because i go to hard and make my arms hurt. 

what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? @thelandofnothing LOL

what's your favourite soda? i dont drink soda!!! 

do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive thru always bitch

what's your favourite number? 4, i decided on it when i was 4 and it stuck. but 15 comes a close second

Who’s the last person you talked to? like aloud? uh my sister when she barged into my room at 7 am.

favourite cut of beef? i dont have one, i just eat meat but i pay no attention to the cooking of it. i will not look at it raw. 

last song you listened to? matilda - alt j. my friend has been telling me to listen to it, apparently it makes him think of me. and i have no idea why.

last book you read? hmm yesterday i began reading my sister’s new book but then my migraine told me to stop.

favourite day of the week? thursdays. they just hit different

can you say the alphabet backwards? most likely not. i need words written down to even spell them out. i work visually, bitch. 

how do you like your coffee? i dont like coffee. if i ever do its w copious amounts of sugar.

favourite pair of shoes? a pair of black oxfords i bought back in 2018. theyre so comfy and they reflect my style a lot 

time you normally get up? 5:50am on weekdays, weekends are a gamble rly. 

what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunrises usually, but mauritian sunsets hit right too. 

how many blankets on your bed? i have my quilt and then a purple throw blanket.

describe your kitchen plates? white, nothing to them, theyre just white. 

describe your kitchen at the moment? eerie

do you have a favourite alcoholic drink? i’d say beer. it’s my go to, but i’ve been slowly trying out cocktails to find my favourite, i quite like gin as well as red wine. 

do you play cards? with friends ya, it’s usually when drinks are involved though. 

what colour is your car? my mum’s car is grey lol.

can you change a tire? i know the mechanics of it but have never been allowed

your favourite state? i dont ?? have one. i dont even know any states. is new york a state? if so, cause of @yanak324, i will say ny

favourite job you've had? well i’ve worked freelance stuff and now my current job, so i dont have much experience to say i have a favourite. but i really like my current job so i’ll say that. 

im gonna tag: ooft im tired but lets do this, @yanak324, @evax3, @sneetchstar, @northernfieldsforever, @salty-wench, @littlerockerao3, @nalgenewhore, @treaddelicately, @livhatesolives, @aryasbadbenergy, @watersandwolves

[this-brownie]

04.03.20

not feeling super inspired right now to talk about anything so ill talk about my past birthdays. when I was younger, the apartment I used to live in was filled with not only Bengalis but children that were mine and my brothers’ age. we always had people to play with whether that was going to the park, going to each others houses, or simply playing on our block or backyard. we also always celebrated our birthdays together— I remember the first time I had my very first Big Mac was during my 9th birthday. in middle school, the birthdays got a little more sophisticated because we would go out to Thai restaurants instead of mcdonalds. in 8th grade, my family moved to a new house, a block away from the old apartment. the next year we all started attending different high schools and I don't rmmbr much, my feelings from the day at all except that we called it early that night and my mom and I slept on the living room sofa, lights off and everything. two of my neighbors came over to my house expecting that we were gonna go out to eat— i opened the door to see them dressed up and all they saw were me in my pjs, house dark and their faces fell. one of them said ‘we always do something for your birthday, we thought we were going to do something this year’ and I said no..not this year and kind of awkwardly sent them on their way. side note, I didnt really have social skills because I was extremely shy and super uncomfortable about being confrontational. 

the next few years in highschool my birthdays were okay—I had more School friends to celebrate with and we always went out to eat. but I never had the money or enough friends to have a huge bash like the way I always fantasized. I rmmbr in 10th grade, a few of my friends pitched in to buy me balloons and delivered them to me before first period— I had to carry them around all day and I felt embarrassed but also incredibly special and happy. I eventually became close with Fariha and we spent the next two birthdays together, always Thai food--Jen joined me for one of those outings— Fariha always took care of my bill but I realized I never extended the same courtesy to her. 

a certain pattern started developing over the years— my mom started picking fights with me and would always have me feelings miserable on the day of or very near my birthday. In 12th grade, we had a massive fight that I wasn't expecting her to remember it was my birthday or do anything about it. but near the end of the night she designed the living room with tea lights and bought me cake and dressed me up in a beautiful sari. looking back, its fucking manipulative to put me in a bad mood on a special day, and then expect those feelings to be wiped just because im presented with gifts. yes I was *eventually* showered with love but at the cost of feeling gaslighted and having to hide my negative emotions because they were considered disrespectful. my next birthday, I turned 18 but I can't rmmbr it at all. for my 19th, I was living in Toronto but I had visited Levi in Boston and for the first time ever I spent an entire week with him. I had recently gotten a credit card so I decided to buy myself expensive lingerie. that was a lot of fun.

my 20th birthday was one of the worst because I remember it had been a few months since I moved back from Toronto and my mom was especially untrusting. she completely disregarded that it was my birthday so that was a very lovely day. I remember I was working at magnolia that day but I can't rmmbr why I didnt go out with my friends…I don't rmmbr but it was a shitty day.

for my 21st, I had already been living in Boston for a little less than a year and Levi insisted I go out with my friends since I always stay in with him, I went out with two girls from the restaurant I used to work at, and another girl who I used t work at bebe with. regina (bebe) and I arrived earl/on time and decided to grab something to eat while we waited for the other two girls. we went to a Chinese hotpot place and it was a lot of fun trying something new to eat. the other two girls came and we went to a hookah place which was kind of ratchet but I remember my mindset at the time was to not plan everything out so meticulously because nothing goes to plan. however, I was TOO flowy because I was underdressed (it was fucking freezing that day) and the wait line for the hookah place without a reservation was ridiculous. I also didnt like the fact that the girls didnt dress up to the 9s like the way I did. they also didnt drink the vodka I snuck in so that was another bummer. the last annoying thing was that regina had to leave early because she used to Dorm, and the campus closed at a certain hour. even though I had more fun than usual, it wasn't the huge birthday bash one expects for their 21st.

the next year, 2015 at this point, I had moved back to New York but I can't rmmbr what I did that year. the next birthday was one of my favorites. I had finally planned out and executed an amazing girls night out. the day started off with me picking up a delicious tiramisu cake from a local bakery and heading over to nadiyas house in Astoria where Jenifer and Syndee also joined. we pregamed while getting ready. the dress code was black only— I had gotten an amazing sheer black maxi dress imprinted with gold stars from urban outfitters. all my girls looked amazing that night. we did our makeup and curled hair and even just getting ready was such fun. nadiya also put out snacks for us which was super cute. our first stop of the night was dinner at “beauty and Essex” where we had tapas like: tomato soup with a block of fried cheese in it; bone marrow with grilled bread, mini tuna tartare tacos, and shots of soup. the place was fucking fancy— they served us champagne in the ladies room, so extra haha. I knew the bill would be expensive so I covered a good portion of it which I didnt mind because I wanted to have FUN without being hindered at all. it was also a good amount of food where we were satisfied, but not too full that we felt bloated or couldn't continue drinking. we took an uber to the next stop to a placed called “beauty bar” which was a nail salon mixed with a club, that also served drinks. we each got ourselves a manicure and a drink. we danced for a little bit but didnt love the music so headed over to our last stop of the night, a nightclub called Cielo. this is where I made a mistake — I got us there a little after 11 and had to pay a $30 fee. if we had gotten there before 11pm, it would have been half the price. I remember sneaking a bottle of wine in, by squeezing it between my thighs, but it ended up being such a waste because we didnt have a bottle opener to even open it with. I ended up leaving it in the bathroom.  second thing wasn't really a mistake but it took points off from the overall day— the thing about nyc clubs is that there is SO many that they have to be different to stand out, meaning they don't play popular music or top 40. they will play what they think is cool. when you're drunk its fine, but if you're sober (like jen was), its less enjoyable. however because I was super drunk, I did enjoy dancing even tho I didnt act totally ratchet. maybe it worked out haha. I also met a very charming and handsome man that night. apparently he checked me out the minute he looked at me (according to Jen) and came up to me and…I can't rmmbr now what he asked but he offered to buy me a drink and I jokingly said back “haha I think my friends are going to be jealous if I drink without them” and then he actually bought me nadiya and Syndee drinks. I didnt expect that— afterwards we all split up and the girls danced with other people. I danced with this guy, whose name I don't even remember, but he was tall, genuine, and very charming. I met his friends and we went out for a smoke and I remember enjoying his company. I remember telling him I had a boyfriend and he will still ver pleasant and sweet, which I appreciated. afterwards us 4 girls and he, his friend and girlfriend all squished into this tiny car to grab pizza. it started raining heavy at that point and I was super drunk - on our way back to nadiyas place, we ended up having a sleepover that night, I dropped my phone into the water and it went blank. I felt horrible after because I never got the chance to thank him for the night— in his mind, I just became another girl that used him for drinks and then took flight. theres no way to change that unfortunately.

the issue with me is that I really want to execute the way I envision things, and when they don't turn out like that I become very unhappy. I started fantasizing, and still do sometimes, about having a perfect girls group thats made up of pretty girls of different ethnicities. for my next birthday I invited Syndee (Thai but can pass for Latina), Lilian (chinese), and a coworker of mine who I had never hung out with before (Mexican, but extremely pale- looks exotic white) to have a birthday brunch. this was the first time hanging out with Lilian after maybe 7-8 years so it was a bit of a reunion. we went out for drinks to a speakeasy after which was really cool too. even though the group of us looked beautiful in photos, the aesthetics of the restaurant was lovely, the food itself was amazing, and the drinks were strong-- the dynamic between all of us wasn't flowing 100%. I wanted so badly for things to look good that I didnt realize the coworker would feel out of place amongst the rest of us who had known each other for a while. so, while the day was nice and nothing bad had happened, it still didnt feel extremely memorable. thats the last time I hung out with that coworker, and the last time I tried to force things together to make them fit.

the next year I was pretty down about and around my birthday— this was the first birthday after being married. I remember Levi asking me what I wanted to do and what gift I wanted. im not super materialistic anymore so I don't like receiving gifts. we did go out to Indochine for dinner which was nice but not as great as it was the previous time we had gone. instead, we went out to see Jim Jeffereys in Madison sq garden. it was okay— he made a joke about taking a shit which lasted 15 minutes. it was annoying. also Levi got mad at me because I went out to get a drink and missed an entire segment. wooh. I am weird because I want people to show me a lot of love— it doesn't have to constant, or grand gestures but I like when its thoughtful. I hate having to ask for attention or affection, it makes it less special if I receive it after that. even though Jen is my best friend, I have celebrated most of my birthdays without her. she's usually unable to come see me during the school term. this year she was at med school and wasn't able to make it because she was busy studying. she's missed out on a lot of them and it hurts because not only is she my best friend and should do things to make me special, but that I always go out of my way for her to make her feel amazing on her day (I will make a separate post for HER  birthdays). I am relatively low key about my birthday too, ever since 10th grade it hasn't been on facebook profile. I don't tell people about it, if they ask for the date I try to evade their questions. I know its strange, but its because I don't like revealing personal info, or things that are meaningful to me, and have others disregard or forget them. most of my friends didnt remember to wish me but I don't hold it against them because I don't make their birthdays special. I only do that with Jen, so I only expect it from her. however, fimo did make me feel special. we went out to eat at a Sri Lankan restaurant and then got ice cream after from a different place. she printed me a cute celebratory card with a picture of me on it and got a beautiful vase (I told her not to get me anything tho!). she gave me black and white triangular shaped earrings and said, I noticed you like geometrical shapes so I thought you would like these (I did like them a lot). she also did something very sweet and unique- she cut out scraps of paper and wrote little compliments and inside jokes we shared on the. that was my favorite because it showed that there are little moments of me that she remembers, and that she has taken time to think of me and what would make me happy. 

out of all my birthdays, the last one where I turned 26 has been my favorite. im not always moody and a downer! this was one of the first birthdays that I actually DID get to spend with Jen. I become very moody around my birthday- in the past because my mom would pick fights with me..these days because I prefer to isolate myself rather than be happy, or optimistic, and then be disappointed. I would want someone to do for me what I do for them. is that selfish of me? maybe. which is why I like to keep my expectations extremely low. Jen had recently broken up with her boyfriend of a long time and she was actually available to come see me, without being hindered or guilted into spending a part of the weekend with him. she asked what I wanted to do and if I wanted anything for my birthday. I feel embarrassed and shy about being given gifts so I always say no to that— I like to have special experiences instead. I gave her an ambivalent answer, showing my hesitation and hinting that ill be working and ill be pretty busy that weekend. the reason I do this is because 1. im manipulative and 2. I'm an asshole. id rather exaggerate to her and make it seem like *IM* the one whose busy and can't make time for her, rather than have her say yes and hope that she's coming and be let down if she can't make it (which has happened in the past before). I also am…apparently unsatisfied by how people show me love. im a scorpio… meaning I am excessive, intense, and “relentless” (according to levi). when I do something, I do it big and I try my best to make it perfect. when people are very lax, like the way Jen is, about certain things it conveys to me that they are not as serious about me. its not necessarily true but thats how I feel. so I tell her im busy, to test her and see whether she will still come to see me for my birthday even tho it may be inconvenient for her. I was wishy washy, but I wasn't completely adamant about her not coming so she decided to ignore my hesitance and come anyway. good decision.

several days before my mom hinted that she would throw a surprise party for me— she tried to be clever about it, in her defense, but when she asked me for fimos number I knew something was up. I played along— I found it very endearing that my mom would do something like this for me. this was part of the reason I decided Jen should come anyway, it would be more fun with her there after all. she came Friday night and we had dinner and talked for a little bit before heading to bed. I had work the next morning; after I came come we both got ready to go to my moms place. she made it seem like we were going to a wedding so I had to get there, get dressed and then we would all head out together. I knew it was gonna be a party so I tried to get Levi to come but he didn't think it was appropriate. once we got there and opened the curtains, I was greeted loudly with “HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYY!!!” it was my two brothers, a couple of my little brothers friends, fimo and her bf, my aunt, and my cousin and his parents. it was very sweet, I was honestly touched to see a room of happy faces all leathered around because of me. my mom was elated, it was so fucking cute. she spent all day cooking a ton of food— making all my favorites ofc— and got this delicious cake adorned with a picture of me. the room was designed with HBD banners and streamers, confetti balloons, and pretty fairy lights. my brothers even got a disco light that displayed different colored lights all over the walls, and champagne candles (the ones that shoot out that pretend fire until they die out). I felt so fucking loved— I feel happy right now thinking back to that night. 

the next morning I had planned to go to the spa with just Levi but Jenifer wanted to join us. I didnt want to at first because I wanted to spend some alone time, but thankfully it ended up being a great time. Levi rented a car and we drove to this luxe spa in New Jersey. it was three floors filled with different temperature jacuzzis, pools, saunas, and steam rooms. the pool on the rooftop was an infinity pool, filled with a ton of instagrammers, but the view was stunning and we caught a delightful sunset. Jenifer being there added a lot to my pleasure and peace— I got to take as many photos as I wanted without being judged and I had fun running around to all the different areas instead of being told to sit quiet. I really do love that girl, but any actions of me being distant or cold are a result of being let down so many times, intentional or not, that I always expect only the worst now. however, her being there that weekend solidified our bond greatly and I appreciated that. we got pizza afterwards which was tasty but not so great. we drove back home and Levi let us off at st marks so that Jen and I could spend the last hour before she had to leave back to Philly. she spontaneously told me she wanted to get a belly piercing, and if I was down. we had gotten one together a long time ago but it fell out and we didnt have it re pierced. I didnt care either way so I went for it. now we have matching bffl belly rings all over again. nice end to a great weekend.

a few days later I met fimo for brunch at an Italian place in Brooklyn, that happened to be near the movie theaters where we planned on going after. brunch was whatever but she got me a fucking $100 Chanel perfume even though I demanded that she not get me anything. the perfume smells heavenly, and I only wear it on special occasions now. but it was too expensive, and I really didnt want that from her. later, we watched ‘Parasite’ at this theatre called Nitehawk Cinema which allows you to eat and drink right while you're watching the movie. we munched on popcorn and drank wine and felt like badasses. Parasite was absolutely amazing and thrilling- a Korean horror/thriller about a family that trick, and uses, a richer family into employing them. the name of the movie makes it seem like THEY are the parasites, but the crazy plot twist is that the rich family’s former employees were doing the same thing. but worse. they were secretly living/hiding out in the rich family basement/bunker. shit gets crazy when current employees find the ex employees. we both really enjoyed the movie, and didnt expect to like it as much as we did. it got nominated for several awards, so we were not the only ones who thought so.

the last person I saw for my birthday was Syndee but it wasn't really a bday hangout. I recently had a falling out with Ivan (more on that on a different post), and had reached out to all my closest friends. Sydnee and I see each other once every couple months so it was time. we got Detroit style pizza at this famous place near my work/home. the food was pretty good and it was nice to catch up with her. I let her know that I would be less busy in the future and that maybe we should start calling each other so that the stretches in person wouldn't feel as long. she agreed, and it was interesting as were catching up that for the first time I had only good news to share and she had not so good news. I told her that I had gotten a new job where I was planning to get promoted, had very recently gotten my green card, and that my mom was finally coming to terms with my marriage. I talked about my birthday, and she casually got the date for my birthday wrong (she was off by two days)— so I guess it really has been a while since we've been thorough with each other. she lamented about having to move out soon from her apt because she and her bf (who pays most of the rent) might be splitting up. she also said she wasn't doing as well at her new job as she had hoped. It was unfortunate that she was going through a tough time but I told her that she wasn't completely helpless, and that she still had options. its difficult for me to hear about people going through a tough time because I want to be able to change that, even if im not always in the position to do so. we did end on a good note and she seemed happy about seeing me which was nice. I am happy and grateful for the friends and the freedom I have. they don't always show me affection in the way I want but they do show it how they can, which I acknowledge and cherish.

[forgottenfairylights]

Atmosphere-

INTRO---There is a point in everyone’s lives in which we all begin to question our existence. I do not mean to necessarily suggest we are all sick masochistic beings. I don’t even intend for this statement to be presumed in a self-destructive sense. Though the point I desire to illustrate is profound enough to relate to death, in doing so I will create a sick, unintended irony, so no, I will not relate this matter to death. It would be entirely too inconsequential. In the current context perhaps this can be best explained as an unsettling lack of assurance in the validity of our existence within the universe. Who are we but mere humans More applicable to the circumstances, who am I, Just like every other, average, boilerplate youth, I too had my doubts.

Chapter One--- During the second year of my primary school education we learned about the first Calefaction Flash. We learned that it happened 83 years ago, and that global pollution led to a chemical reaction in the atmosphere. Scientists said that it created a new element called Qaui. We couldn’t fight it chemically yet because they didn’t understand all of its properties. We were also taught that the sky rained lightning and over a million volts of electricity killed 4,000 people in Beijing, China and led to the beginning of the international panic. But most importantly, they told us that we had to keep fighting the Flashes or everyone would die, and it was completely imperative to human survival that we understand the importance of our task. After all, we couldn’t let fear cripple us and paralyze our ability to make decisions that could save lives and enjoy ours. I still remember the overwhelming feelings I had that day. I remember that they didn’t go away until long after our innocent eight year old minds were filled with terror and I cried myself to sleep for nine nights afterwards. From that point on they ingrained our duty into our brains. It became a part of who were were, defining us as the new generation-The Counteractant. First we learned that fear would be the defining factor of whether or not we survived, and then we started training. As the days progressed the Flashes continued to occur, seemingly randomly every few weeks, but now we understood, and what had always seemed so trivial before became our living nightmare. When we were ten, only two short years later, The planet is quickly morphing into a tundra of ice and snow- everything is frozen. our skills were analyzed and after fifteen days we were shipped to various private schools to be trained in the art of survival in the field and taught all of the best evacuation techniques and routes. As well as optimum study and refinement all of our most adequate and advantageous skills outside of the field, in order to help the cause. We became the newest generation of soldiers, fighting to end the devastation, burdened with the task of protecting those who could not defend themselves against the Flashes. Above all else, we learned how to examine the lightning from safe houses, studying for patterns and clues. I was sent to Spruce-Reign Academy for those best suited with field work, rather than the scientific aspect. This was where I spent four years preparing myself for the day when I would be numbered in the ranks of The Counteractant. I was one of thousands, fighting to free humanity from the Flashes, but though I did my best, I wasn’t ready, so I threw myself back into the work to escape from stone walls coated in far too many layers of ugly gray-green rubber paint, and their near-toxic scent. I was 14 when Joel Parlin-intellectual prodigy of his year, which was three above mine-created the Frost Fester-X-30u7 Syrum Breeze, and everything changed.

Chapter Two--- It was the cure the world had been waiting for. News Anchors from San Francisco, USA to Sydney, Australia and everywhere inbetween raved about it for weeks. Headlines boasted odd, catchy statements like, “Could This Be It? Our Salvation?” and “The Antigen We’ve All Been Waiting For!” It was the perfect solution to the gargantuan problems global warming had created, and until the day it poisoned our atmosphere that’s exactly how we treated it, like God. I won’t lie, we all bought it like fools, swallowing the idea that our problems were all about to end like a fish swallows bait-hook, line, and sinker. We were wrong. The planet is quickly morphing into a tundra of ice and snow- everything is frozen. I don’t blame humanity for what happened. The Calefaction Flashes were devastating. No, I don’t blame people for having hope. I don’t even blame Joel Parlin for the fact that he inadvertently killed 7 billion of Earth’s inhabitants. I know only that I am one of the estimated 7 Million people still surviving, for now. At this point, with the ice constantly beating down around me, blaming anyone would be fruitless. The last time human interaction was held ensued before I split off from the group to scavenge for food and got caught in a storm on my way back to our camp.I know now is not the time for wishful thinking, yet still I wish. I wish we could return to the Flashes, they seem so small compared to the acid sleet that melts everything around it as it freezes. I don’t know what day it is, or how long I have been trapped in this cave, only that my time is running out. I am waiting now, counting every second for it’s infinite worth. I do not want to die, but I feel death slowly creeping in as my body shuts down and I know that it is my time. Perhaps, somehow, against astronomical odds, humanity can survive this. What a shame it would be if the earth lay waste to become a lonely sphere of ice and snow orbiting the sun. Perhaps it would be beautiful though. Some people say that life is about survival of the fittest, and maybe thats true, but I think perhaps the fittest also have a bit of luck. I am certainly not the strongest compared to many of the billions which have already passed. This is it, this is my life and how I will spend the end of it, and I know now all that I need to. I know that I am a fighter, a defender of the helpless, and I am a student. If this is all I have to show for my life and legacy, then I die at peace knowing that maybe the world just isn’t meant to be anymore. And then everythings fades to black and I am floating away, and its a beautiful sensation.

Epilogue--- The first thing I notice is how hard my is head pounding, I imagine similarly to if I’d be clocked in the face with a brick. I try to open my eyes and they feel like they are being scalded, leaving me dazed and temporarily blinded by the unexpected light. Where am I? What am I doing here? I thought heaven was supposed to be warm and peaceful, but maybe it isn’t. Am I dead? There’s only one way to find out. “Hello, is anyone here?” Footsteps surround me instantly and I open my eyes again to white walls and a smiling woman in non-descript grey scrubs. “Hello miss, I can’t believe it! You’re finally awake!” “Where am I?” I ask. “You’re here at Sage University Hospital, you’ve been in a coma for eight months-it’s nice to finally meet you.” I can feel my eyes widening, that can’t be true. The things I have lived through cannot have been a dream, they couldn’t! And eight month? Try six years! Nothing makes sense! “I don’t believe you,” I say. “What year is it?” “It’s 2189 Sweetheart.” Everything around me just adds to my confusion. It isn’t 2189, it’s 2183. “Who am I, where is my family, how old am I.” I don’t understand it, but I don’t know anything. It’s a terrifying phenomenon, and I feel utterly vulnerably. I need something from reality to grasp onto, but accepting it will be the hardest step. “I’ll call your family right up. They will be ecstatic to see you.” “Wait! Who am I? Why am I here?” I ask again, starting to panic. “Calm down miss. Your name is Cal Toak, you’re seventeen and you were lifeflighted here after they dug your body out of an avalanche.” Everything makes sense, but I don’t want it to. Please let this be fake, I think frantically, please don’t let this be real. How do you just live a normal life after all I had experienced? I don’t say anything else, and neither does she. After a moment she leaves me alone to my thoughts. Why can’t I remember anything.?! I notice a clock above the door, it’s 5:49 AM, still early, so, I go back to my thoughts. They are interrupted several minutes later as the hall is erupts with noise. People peek in at me and suddenly everyone around me is crying and calling me sweetie and telling me that it will all be okay while they smother me in hugs. I don’t understand it and I don’t remember them, but its obvious they need this more than I do, so I hug them back, telling them it’s nice to see them and I would okay. Finally everyone but a man and his wife clear out. They look at me expectantly, like there is something they just know I’ll say, but I don’t. I don’t know what it is. “Excuse me,” I say, “I’m terribly sorry, but is there something I can do for you?” The woman begins to cry and I stare at her blankly wondering what I possibly could have done to offend her. “She doesn’t remember Allan.” The woman sobs even harder and her husband continues to try and comfort her. “It will be okay sweetheart, it’ll all be okay. Just give it some time.” “Is there something I can do to help?” I ask again. When he looks at me his eyes are full of sadness but all he says is, “Get well soon. get well soon and try to remember.” I nod, I will do my best to help these people, it’s all i’ve been taught to do since that fateful day when I was eight. The day that everyone is telling me never happened, but I don’t believe them. I never will.

[emilieexposes-blog]

Eray’s Exposé

I like to think about my dream guy. My mind works in numbers and figures and ideas. Once I find a pattern, I allow the pattern to direct my life. Even my love life. I don’t do blonde guys, except maybe Thomas Rider, who I was pressed up against on the M86 bus for about an hour today. He could be a brunette because he has dark eyebrows. I love brunette guys. Sharp jawlines and sprinkles of freckles turn me on. Tall guys who can pull me up against their thin chests.

Boys have this taste and smell around them, I think it might be Old Spice, or something, I don’t really know. But the warmth of their tongues and the prickles of their hastily shaven stubble against my nose drives me insane.

My type is the guy who I can’t have. The best friend. The three years older. The older brother. The foreigner.

Eray Ayd Williams. We had a shit ton of beef in the beginning of the year. He and Brady liked my dear friend Tutu, noted for her vivacious personality and determinedly large boobs. Breasts. Tits. I don't know how to talk about my friend’s chest in a not perv way. The boobs make Tutu who she is, not the other way around.

I remember when Eray got a nice haircut in like, November. That was hot. Nothing else really happened, besides a few interactions in Spanish Class, and brushes in the hallway.

At homecoming, I slapped Eray. He was being a dick. To someone. I don't remember. The not remembering part is either my brain trying to block it out or the alcohol that ran through my veins, or just that I don't remember. He wasn't of much importance. We had beef. That’s all their was to Eray and I.

I was invited to Roberto’s Sweet 16 because I was hooking up with his best friend Benjamin English. Guiffra and English. I got relevant after I gave him a hand job. I kinda feigned innocence so that I wouldn’t have to blow him. He was really nice. That was Benjamin. Funny and nice and sort of cute and had nice arms. But so nice. His chest was always warm against mine. Ben didn’t kiss my neck enough.

The sophomore guys have an obsession with me. I don't know why. They think I'm hot. I know I'm pretty but not hot as fuck id bang 10/10. Her tits are not big but like so perky. Her cheekbones like wow. Nice ass. She's actually hilarious what the fuck. Dibs on her. Thats the way the guys around me talk about girls. Wish there’d be more OMG we need more girls like Guiffra!!

Well, after Roberto’s birthday, Eray was smashed drunk. He was hooking up with this chick Charlotte Robersen. She's awesome. Really smart and athletic and kind. Model Trinity kid. Good friend. I found out that Eray lives a few blocks away from me. He definitely needed a ride home. I paid for his cab and he bought me an Evian at the Duane Reade by his house. We talked a lot. Mostly about people and our school and his older brother. We meandered the Upper East Side for about an hour and Eray finally sobered up. Enough. He added me on snapchat and yelled back a See you Monday! I love you!

The next week Eray talked me up to all of his friends. I was that good Samaritan who helped the poor drunk boy out. Not just my good deed pleased Eray and his guy squad, but my humor and comfort with almost everything. I was so comfortable with Eray and his friends in turn. Their easy-going love made me feel like I was a part of their group. Jiffy’s for the boys!

A week later, Eray and I were tight. We exchanged gossip and memes and music.

Then, the walks began. I was about to walk to the M96 bus, but I received a call from Eray asking me to walk with him across the park. I felt wanted. For once. It wasn't me putting in the effort in a friendship. I spotted his classic maroon tee shirt and enormously tall figure. He smiled and shouted at me.

That afternoon, I knew Eray and I were gonna be something special. I could trust this one. He opened up to me quickly, which was unexpected for someone who always held up a barrier between himself and anyone who wasn't a close friend. Oh my god, swear not to tell anyone that practically became his motto. I was able to tell him my actual opinions on people and things, without judgement or fear of exposure. 2 things I couldn't find with anyone else.

We became best friends. I called him my best friend and, wanted to think, I was his. God, he makes me so happy.

Special. Loved.

His voice and laugh and walk and attitude. I realized I had a thing for him at the end of spring break, just as I was ending things with Benjamin.

Eray ended stuff with Charlotte. He wasn't ever really into her.

Two days after a fiasco of breakups in the Class of 2020, I decided to host a free. Perfect chance to hop on Eray. To drunkenly slide in and confess my feelings for him.

At the party, he wore the maroon shirt again. We goofed around a lot and I flirted obsessively. I know he thinks I'm attractive. I don't know about much else. Almost an entire FourLoko in, he’s fucking sexy. The strip of tanned ab exposed makes my eyes roll back into my head.

I was lying on top of Eray’s warm chest. Warmer than Benjamin’s, than Matt’s, than Jacob’s. Our legs intertwine. My fingers play with the curling locks of hair behind his neck. I love this. I want to kiss his swollen lips and hold his rough hands and be held by his sore arms. I want him.

At the end of the party, I end up on the floor sobbing. He said something about some girl’s boobs and I slapped him. I couldn't stand up. I couldn't stop sobbing. I couldn't breathe. I just couldn't stand. May-Anne told me that Benjamin got with Andrea Sanchez. She's gorgeous. A sophomore. I sent Eray a long text confessing my crush-thing. We FaceTimed the next day and he said he would “definitely think about it” and that my crush was “a huge surprise! you really kept it on the dl.” This kid is dumb. I flirt with him incessantly.

We continue our walks, with a little more feeling. We walk a bit closer to each other. We make less eye contact. Serhat, Eray’s older brother, struts past us on a walk, and makes heart signs with his hands.

On our field trip to the Cloisters, Eray rejected me. He sees me as a friend.

I’m fat.

Ugly.

Annoying.

Unlikable.

Unlovable.

I think I get over him pretty easily. I met this ridiculously hot Nigerian guy named Mohamed who is covered in designer brands. He compliments my eyes and my cheekbones and my smile and my voice. I know he wants to get his hands into my underwear, but that doesn't stop me from indulging. Mohamed wants to see my eyes again.

I confide in Daniel. He promises to set me up with one of his hot miscreant friends. I love Dan.

It comes time for the rodeo. A huge, hormonal, grimy all-school nightclub affair. I want to rebound with a hot sophomore guy. Like Simon Gray or Paul van Dyrk or Thomas Rider or something. Anything to prove that I’m over Benjamin, and I’m hot, and I’m past Eray.

Eray is still my best friend. He bought me a giant bottle of Svedka. I wanted Bacardi, but it was alright. He’s wearing the maroon shirt again. Does this kid own any other clothes?

I’m almost blackout drunk. The strobe lights dance to the beat of the sweating teenagers. My heels make my feet burn. I feel like between each light is a few seconds. Time slows down.

His lips are on mine. Not Eray’s. Jake Andrew’s. Jack. Not Jake. Action Jackson. He's my type. Pretty hot. Go me.

Another millisecond between the strobe light feels like 5 minutes. Eray struts towards me. His arm snakes around my waist, down south to my butt. Fuck. His lips are on mine. A few seconds. They're soft but with force and plump , and wow Eray’s kissing me. He runs away.

I don’t remember the other two kisses. Just that they did, in fact, happen. Eray was blackout drunk. More than me.

We hook up. Our chests desperately press against one another. Fuck. Fuck. Finally. This is the first time a guy I’ve had a massive crush on has made out with me. Fuck.

Simon Gray was yuck. Still hot.

Eray. He’s all I can think about, yet “I see you as a friend.” “Idk. I don’t remember.”

They say drunk actions, sober thoughts. A small voice inside my heart says that he must have some deep hidden feelings for me. I was so close to getting over him. So fucking close. But I’m in love with my best friend and he thinks that I’m not good enough. I’m just Jiffy.

Fat. Ugly. Annoying. Unlikable. Unlovable. This mantra won’t escape the boundaries of my mind. I have generalized anxiety disorder. I think that’s the exact term. All I can think about is how inadequate and unlikable I am.

I think I love him. I don't know why. He can be a major dick. But he's so kind to me and his voice soothes me and his arms keep me warm. And all he wants is what I’m not. I’m stuck.