#like the concert starts at 4am my time but since tomorrow is a work from home day once i get up i can refresh pages and find videos

[hope-ur-ok]

Just so everyone is aware, the upload times for the surprise songs for this leg of tour are going to be at weird times cause I unfortunately have work :(

but I am still going to do them, it just might take a bit longer than usual!!

[fringing-with-mr-dennis]

Catching up on some rest

Day 8

August 6, 2023

It’s Sunday evening here—almost 9:00—it’s just now beginning to look like “dusk.”  There was a soft drizzle late this afternoon, and then the sun came out and the sky looked gorgeous!

We had the day off today which means I woke up promptly at 6:30 this morning . . . and, yes, I got on the computer and did some work, had some breakfast and some tea and then went back to bed at 10:00 and slept for two more hours. HA!  (Still working on that sleep pattern).

This particular flat on the 4th floor has 8 bedrooms—each with its own toilet and shower--thus, I share with seven other people.

At the end of the hall is a larger common room with sofas and coffee table, two refrigerators, two stoves/ovens and two sinks.

The bathroom has a timed/motion-sensor light, so the minute the door opens, the light/fan comes on immediately.  And, it’s on a 5-minute timer, so, without any activity, it will stay on for five minutes before it goes off automatically.  Usually, in the shower, I get the part when I start shaving my face and the room goes black—yes, I keep the door open so it doesn’t go totally dark. Of course, that also means that when this old man has that 4AM call to pee, there’s no way to sneak into the room with eyes partially shut hoping against hope sleep will return when the business has ended—it’s like opening the fridge—no way to keep it a secret from anyone!  Though, the roar of the fan does sort of lull you back to sleep . . . though, for the first few nights, you remain slightly alert just to make sure the light/fan eventually shut off!

Left our flat this afternoon to see the show, Mrs. President—performed by our flat-mates from Rec Room Arts. Sharing the flat isn’t too bad, the other folks are really nice—and, coincidentally, we have common friends (of course we do!)—theatre is a small world.

And, their show is a beautiful piece of theatre.  The story has several layers, but the primary story is about Mary Todd Lincoln, the wife of the President, and her desire to be photographed flatteringly by the famous photographer of the period, Matthew Brady. We meet a couple of other folks along the way, but it’s a somewhat surreal look at Mrs. Lincoln’s life—in 50 minutes. It’s lyrical in its text and in its direction—a very moving piece.

After the show, I took the long way back to the flat and came upon the opening orchestral concert –with bagpipes—in the Princess Street Gardens under the shadow of the castle on the hill.  That was a nice surprise!

Sadly, just as the last number began, it started to sprinkle. The rain didn’t bother me, but people started leaving and since I was standing on the sidewalk at the back, I knew I’d be overrun with sopping exiters and I wouldn't get to enjoy the music, anyway. So I left.

And yes, it was a somewhat relaxing day . . . finally!

Tomorrow starts in earnest with a full non-stop week of Fringe!

[guardianofjunmyeon]

I’ve Got You (part 17)

Pairing: Jongdae x Reader

Genre: Fluff, Canon AU, Smut

Description: You work for SM as it’s public relations specialist, and Jongdae is one client that you have to deal with far too often. Sometimes though, he isn’t all that bad.

A/N: This ended up being…nothing like what i planned? I was watching The Return of Superman with Jongdae and Minseok and somehow???? this happened to me??? So warning, lots of fluff and no plot at all and tbh it’s a mess but i needed to get this out of my system before i continued with…relevant plot and drama

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21.

The rest of the trip goes by in a blur. A flurry of rushed meetings, long rehearsals with hidden proud smiles on your part, and late nights sneaking to each others rooms despite the exhaustion you both feel as the days go on.

Being apart becomes just a bit harder after having said ‘I love you’.

You can guess that you’ve said it maybe four times (verbally) since then, while he’s done it any chance he gets. It’s not that you don’t want to say it…you’re just afraid that if you say it too often, it won’t mean as much. It feels like Jongdae is trying to make a point of proving that exact thought wrong.

He seems to get off on saying it out of nowhere and making you speechless.

Jongin also seems to have too much fun just knowing about you both; he hasn’t said anything to anyone, but you see it on his smug fucking face. And now that you know Junmyeon and Minseok know as well, you catch them sharing secret smiles with Jongdae and giving you eyebrow raises that would have embarrassed you if you even cared what they thought anymore. At this point you’re too happy to really care.

The concert in Mexico nearly blows out your eardrums and L.A is stressful, but being able to get on that plane back home brings you so much relief you don’t even feel the fatigue. All you can think about is lying in your bed and knowing you have regular work to return to. All of the traveling and hustle and bustle of being a manager so isn’t for you.

You will kind of miss it though. The trip as a whole at least. It was fun. In more ways than you care to admit.

When you walk through your apartment door, the first thing you do is drop your bags in the hall, walk into your room, and flop right on top of your covers.

Fuck, it’s good to be home.

On the plane ride, you’d planned on unpacking your things and at least starting a load of clothes before relaxing. In fact, you end up doing nearly the exact opposite. Instead of doing anything even remotely productive, you shower, undress and camp out in your living room to marathon watch The Return of Superman and just enjoy being home.

Not an ounce of guilt is felt for the next hours.

You know that you should get some sleep at some point soon, but the jet-lag refuses to let you. Maybe you’ll end up passed out here on the couch in another hour. Who fucking knows.

Your door beeps and opens with a click in the middle of your marathoning and you pause the TV when you hear “I’m home!” being called out.

The eye roll that follows is so dramatic that you could probably win some kind of award for it, if they offered awards for dramatic reactions to equally dramatic boyfriends. “You don’t live here,” a glance at the time on your phone and you see it’s almost 4am.  Shit, do you have work tomorrow? “And it’s 4am. It’s creepy to break in to someone’s house this late at night.”

Jongdae finally walks into your line of vision and you both break out into smiles at the sight of one another. As if you hadn’t seen him before leaving America. “It’s not breaking in if you gave me the code to use whenever,” he comments. You bite back a snort and jump up to hug him as tight as you can. He kisses the top of your nose and you scrunch up your face in confusion.

“Cute,” he teases.

“Shut up.” You sit back in your spot on the couch and continue your show while he sits at your side and tosses an arm over your shoulder. “Did you eat?”

“Mhm. I had something before I left the dorm,” he answers distractedly. His eyebrows furrow as they flit across the television. “Are you watching The Return of Superman?” his voice lifts in curiosity. You keep your eyes on the screen as you nod and immediately decide to not verbalize any answers. Only because you know where this conversation will head. From the TV show to babies to him and finally to things about the future you don’t dare think about. “Did you…watch the episode with me in it?” the way he asks it is casual, but the slight tension in the parts of his body you can feel against your own clues you in to the intention behind it.

You fucking knew it was coming. You knew it, and you know where it’s going.

He leans closer to your ear, from your periphery you can see his smile widening. Can you even get yourself to admit to him that you have? That you watched his part with Minseok maybe 30 times because it was the cutest god damn thing you’ve ever seen in your entire fucking life????

“Yeah,” you grunt out mirthlessly. He wiggles beside you, trying to act cute, and you can’t believe he really wants you to die? Like, how dare he bring up the idea of himself and babies and then act cute on top of it as if your heart was made entirely of ice and could handle something like this????

“What did you think?…” he wiggles again and tilts his head directly in front of you so that he can block the TV with his bright ass smile and expectant expression.

You exhale heavily and turn your body in his direction. “Do you really want to know?” you keep your expression neutral and hope that maybe it’ll scare him off, but you just had to be dating someone who doesn’t seem to give a single fuck and loves making you talk regardless if you appear pissed off or not. Maybe it’s some kink of his…

“I really want to know.”

The slight frown on your face deepens as you try to grab onto the words in your mind that you want to use. You have to say this right. Your relationship is still young and you could scare him off if you talk about babies. Babies always scare boys off. He blinks and wiggles again with that god damned smile and it’s the final straw. You huff angrily and cave. You feel to weak when he looks like that. “It was the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen in my life and I almost cried while I watched it,” you tell him keeping your expression even and tone serious.

He leans backward and his mouth drops open at your words. Maybe you broke him. Holy shit maybe you really should have filtered your words a bit better. Why’d he even have to bring the topic up? It’s his fault. You were completely fine never bringing it up, but of course fucking Jongdae just had to-

The weight on the couch shifts as (out of nowhere) he pounces on you and squeezes you too tight making noises you don’t even know how to define or describe. “You’re the cutest fucking thing I’ve ever seen in my life!” he shouts nuzzling into your neck and squishing you in every way he can.

“Jongdae!” you wheeze. Wriggling around and covering his mouth with your hand you bite back your own embarrassed laughter. “It’s 4am you dumb butt, and you’re crushing me,”

He moves your hand, snorts out a ‘am not’ and pushes up onto his forearms. Still trapping you beneath him, beaming as bright as ever, he asks, “You like kids?”

“…Yes. I love kids,” you answer hesitantly.

“Why didn’t you ever say so?”

“Because…that’s not exactly something people just bring up when they aren’t around kids…”

His head tilts and something shifts in the playfulness that was originally in his eyes. “So…you want to have…your own kids one day?”

You blink and feel your heart stuttering in fear. “Yes,” you manage to murmur.

For some reason, you hope that the conversation will end here, but of fucking course it doesn’t. Because he’s…who he is and just has to ask more. “Can you…” your stomach drops “see yourself having kids…with me?” his words lose all confidence and volume and he sounds as vulnerable as you feel.

You’ve been dating for months. Not even that many months, but…you’re having the baby talk? You’re both really talking about the idea of having kids?? In the future?? With each other??? Jongdae as the father?? Of your?? Kids??? Your mind can’t compute it. And yet somehow your mouth moves on its own. “Yeah…”

He quiets entirely and just stares. Stares in that way that makes your heart flutter and stomach drop all the way into your ass because he’s so open, and looks so happy and content and it’s…because of you. Because he loves you and the stupid admission that you could see yourself with him years in the future starting your own family seemed to bring him some kind of happiness and-

Fuck it’s terrifying. It’s terrifying because it’s been so short a time and yet somehow this feels right. It feels okay to be talking about something as serious as this even though you’ve never talked about marriage. Never talked about what you would do if news of you got out. Never even thought about the short term, forget about something as long term as this.

Maybe you fell too fast. You’re afraid…that maybe…just maybe this love will fizzle out just as quickly. It feels childish and raw.

It scares you. All of it scares you.

But when Jongdae smiles again and leans backward so that you can sit up and whispers out an awed ‘yeah’ that’s filled with as much disbelief as it is anticipation and excitement, you forget about that fear. You forget about it because he’s happy. He’s happy because of you and even if it doesn’t last as long as he thinks it might, as long as you hope it might, being able to protect that smile for now keeps you going.

You’d do anything to protect his smile.

The extent of how far you know you’d go, is kind of unsettling. It feels like a ticking time bomb is waiting below the surface of something and you aren’t sure when it will explode and take you both down with it. If you can take the brunt of the explosion…you’ll do it in a heartbeat.

Minutes pass and you can’t focus back on the show in front of you. Your attention is spread between looking at him and running through the millions of thoughts flittering through your mind. Does he think this is moving fast? Maybe you should clarify…what do you even have to clarify? Maybe you should just keep your big mouth shut- “Jongdae,” your mouth is a traitor. He turns to you and you know you don’t have a chance to think through what you wanted to tell him.

“Yeah?”

“Years…” you flinch at the lack of confidence in your voice. Clearing your throat, you try again. “Years from now. I…I don’t want kids yet, but years in the future after I get married and everything. But who even knows when that will happen or what could happen between now and then between us. What I’m trying to say is I don’t want either of us to get caught up on the idea of having kids when we haven’t even been dating that long and haven’t even thought about marriage and-”

“Who says I haven’t thought about it?”

Your mouth dries up immediately. You stare dumbly as he proceeds to laugh his ass off at your reaction. “You asshole,” you hiss. You smack his shoulder and groan loudly in embarrassment. He’s such a fucking- ugh.

He catches your hands and beams in amusement despite the fact that you’re literally (not even figuratively) dying, dying, of embarrassment. You can’t believe him! “Okay. Okay sorry!” he laughs again which makes his comment seem entirely insincere. You halfheartedly try to free your hands from his grip. “I’m not crazy. I know none of this is stuff that will happen like…tomorrow. But I’m not letting you go. You’re stuck with me, you know? One day…even if its…50 years in the future we’re going to be married and have two kids and-”

“I fucking swear-” you struggle in misery only to be cut off at the feeling of his lips on yours.

It’s too quick for you to respond, and he only moves back enough for you to see the crinkles at the sides of his eyes as he smiles. “I love you,” he chirps softly.

Your face heats. “Are you serious?”

“About me being absolutely in fucking love with you or the stuff before that?” you roll your eyes in mock aggravation. His eyebrow ticks up in mischief. “Of course I was serious. I’ve planned out how and when I’m going to propose to you and everything.” You gape, and he sits back in his spot to watch TV as if he didn’t just throw your entire mind into disarray. “Jongdae, are you serious!?” He just smirks. “Jongdae!? You can’t say something like that and- and not go on!”

“What else is on? Do you want to watch Running Man?”

You exhale in defeat. There’s not enough energy in your body for you to fight for a real response. “You’re the absolute worst…”

“Yeah…but you love me anyway,” he says triumphantly. You have no will to lie and argue otherwise because you really fucking do love him. He Swings his head in your direction with an unnecessarily heart stopping smile. “I love you too.”

“Go home Jongdae…”

“But I am home?”

“Oh my god-”

“Fine I’ll leave then-” he stands up abruptly and your arms reach out to grab him unconsciously.

“Wait no you aren’t actually-”

“I can’t believe I’m dating a tsundere…”

“I am not tsundere,” you argue, letting go of his arm to prove your point. He glances down at your hands and raises an eyebrow knowingly. “I love you…I…don’t leave…” you tell him softly.

Getting the words you know he wanted to hear, he smiles again and sits back down in satisfaction. “I hadn’t planned on it.”

[shorilicious]

ShoriSou interview Q1. Please introduce yourself! Shori: Hello, I’m Sato Shori. I am 20 years old. Now I can drink black coffee. I like playing guitar. Thank you for having me. Sou: Nice to meet you, I’m Macchan. I came all the way from Shizuoka. I’m constantly growing accustomed to the city life.

Q2. What is your strength and your weakness?

Shori: My strength is... I’m kind (laughing). Also, I think I’m good at noticing my surroundings. My weakness is that it’s hard for me to work out. I’m doing the basics while my body is in low gear but even if my mind wants to do my best and work hard, my body often doesn’t want to follow through that. Sou: My weakness is that I easily turn negative. My strength is that I’m not shy and I can actively engage in conversations.

Q3. What do other people think is charming about you? Shori: The way I eat deliciously. Especially the way I eat fish. Sou: My friends say that it’s my kindness. Because I always ask „Aren’t you tired?“ (laughing). Since I’m a peaceful person I don’t want to fight.

Q4. What do you think is your charm point yourself? Shori: Eh~ I don’t have one. Now writer-san just told me „for example, your voice“, so I’ll go with my voice (laughing). I have to work hard to make my singing voice my charm point as well. Sou: My smile. When having a shooting, I prefer smiling more than a cool face expression. Watching animal videos makes me smile. Recently I like funny videos of dogs and kangaroos.

Q5. Among the members, who do you consult with about love? Shori: Fuma-kun. Because he seems to be the best at being rough in a good way. Sou: Fuma-kun. Because he has a lot of experiences in life. He gives accurate advices and thinks about his partner and properly talks with me about everything.

Q6. Among the members, who do you consult with about work? Shori: Since I basically do my own work by myself, I won’t consult the members. Sou: Shori. He earnestly listens to me talking and after he gives me advices I say „Ah, that’s right“ because he’s good at convincing me. This year we’re close too. I can talk with Shori about deep topics.

Q7. Among the members, who takes the longest and who the shortest time for styling and make-up? Shori: I heard from our make-up artist that every time Kento-kun uses hair wax, he decides to use it himself. That’s why isn’t it Kento-kun who needs the longest time to get ready? I think the other four members aren’t too different. If we go from longest to shortest, it would be Kento-kun, Sou, Marius, Fuma-kun and me... I guess. Sou: Me, Fuma-kun, Marius, Kento-kun, Shori. Since I spend a lot of time on my hair, I think about 30 minutes. At home it takes me about an hour. Shori is so quick! He needs exactly the amount of time you need to prepare a cup ramen.

Q8. What are you wearing today? Shori: A grey shirt with a black blouse and a little oversized black cropped pants. For shoes I’m wearing black slip-ons. Recently I only wear slip-ons. Sou: Today’s fashion is kinda blue. Recently I’m trying to wear more colour so today I’m wearing a loincloth, a checkered shirt and damaged jeans in blue colours. Also I have a black parka that I got from Miyake (Ken)-kun, a black stadium jumper and high laced black boots. It feels a little bit like street fashion.

Q9. What did you buy recently? Shori: A long coat with a hood. The colour... I won’t tell you (laughing). I like it because the material feels nice. Sou: I bought a yogurt drink at a convenience store. I heard that it helps you from catching a cold so I’m drinking it almost every day. Slow but steady wins the race!

Q10. What time did you get up today morning? Shori: At 12PM in the noon (laughing). Yesterday I was watching three DVDs late at night, so I went to sleep at 4AM. Usually I always get up around 10AM but today I was asleep until noon. The movies I watched were „The social network“ and „Burlesque“ and also I watched the comedy competition show „M-1 Grand Prix“. Sou: At noon. I’m the type who sleeps until late when I don’t have any appointments. I’m bad at waking up, my face usually looks like the one of a Tibetan fox. Q11. Today, what did you eat/drink first? Shori: Mineral water. Then for breakfast today I had Chinese-style fried rice. Sou: I had yakitori before here at the set of this interview. Shori had fried cartilage. Recently after waking up in the morning I drink hot water. It’s good for your stomach.

Q12. What do you want to do first when you get home? Shori: Take a bath. A little bit of light comes in from the outside so it’s not pitch dark but I never turn on the lights in the bathroom. I don’t really turn on any lights at night. So, I’ll be in the bathtub while listening to music on my mobile phone. Sou: Gargling to clean my mouth. I really want to prevent getting a cold. So, I will eat cheese for the time being. They sell small cheese that looks like candy at convenience stores. I try to eat as many dairy products as possible.

Q13. When it comes to love, do you like chasing someone? Or being chased after? Shori: I like chasing I guess. Because I would like to choose the person I like myself. Sou: To be honest I don’t like either! Since chasing someone and being chased after, both are difficult. But I will try my hardest to actively chase that person. I want the person I like to be able to respond to my hobbies.

Q14. What would you do if you suddenly get a free day tomorrow? Shori: Drive. But since I don’t have a licence, I will ask Hirano Sho-kun to pick me up at about 11AM so we can head to Hakone. Then we can go to an onsen, eat lunch and just spend a relaxing day. Sou: I will go to the zoo to relax. The last time I went there was 2-3 months ago with Marius to see capybaras.

Q15. Did something exciting happen recently? Shori: I’m excited because our concert preparation meetings have started. Since I really like creating a concert. If we do our best now, just imagining the sense of accomplishment we will feel later when we see our fans’ reactions, that is already exciting! Sou: I guess our concert preparation meetings. I can earnestly speak with the members so I can voice my own opinions. Now I really enjoy our meetings!

Q16. If you could tell a member „only this please!“, who would you tell it to? Shori: To Sou. When I tell him „Should we go there together?“ and invite him to somewhere, he always replies „No, because I’m busy“ or something like that so I wish he would stop creating that kind of atmosphere. When Sou invites me to somewhere, I even change my own schedule to go out with him. If I get any invitations from now on my reactions will be pretty much the same, so I’ll be really bored (laughing). Sou: To Kenty. Will you let me touch Bonita soon? I want to kiss Bonita♡ I like kissing puppies.

Q17. What is your favourite music genre? Shori: Generally speaking it’s pop music. I also like rock, RnB and dance music. The artist I like and listen to a lot recently is Bruno Mars. Sou: EDM. Because I like dancing I also really like dance music too. When it comes to something close to myself, I like Fuma-kun’s solo songs that have some EDM elements in it too.

Q18. What is something you treasure? Shori: Meeting people. Even when meeting my friends and my co-workers, I feel like I keep getting closer and closer to the ideal person that I am seeking in myself. I think that’s because I am able to encounter all these wonderful people. Sou: My family and my own name. I used to hate my own name in the past but now many people know my name so I am very happy when people call out „Sou-kun“. That’s why I like my name now. So I am thankful to my family for giving me this name.

Q19. The next question is the last. What is on your mind right now? Shori: Since I have been talking for 45 minutes now, I wonder if I’ll have to do the shooting soon... I’m thinking that right now (laughing). Sou: Realistically speaking, I’m only thinking about our concerts right now. Suddenly I have many images of our concerts running through my mind.

Q20. A message to fans & some sweet words! Shori: Our concert tour starts from March and I think it will be really interesting. Please enjoy it freely without worries and fall in love♡ Sou: We have an equal relationship. If we aren’t together we wouldn’t exist. Although this is selfish of me to ask, please keep following us from now on as well. I want to show you various worlds! I always think of everyone. I LOVE YOU♡

Keep in mind I am not a native speaker therefore there might be mistakes in my translations. Also I’m not exactly translating word for word. Feel free to correct me in my ask box any time you want, I’d appreciate it! I apologize if someone already translated something before me and I didn’t notice, I hope you don’t mind.

Credit goes to yoshiko_mama @ LJ for the scans, thank you!

[atpeacewithme-blog1]

*November 28th, 2016

Hey. It’s been a while. Give me a minute to catch up and read what I told you last. Okay wow. Well where to start. lets see…… Well Beauty and the Beast went… well. it was odd. Two nights before opening night a mom/co-director yelled at the director in from of the whole cast and took her children out of the show. one of them was a lead role. we has to switch around role but we made it work. opening night was great but then Frank (The Beast) got horribly sick and couldn’t come in for the next show so our Gaston (Justin) stepped in as Beast, our feather duster (Pearl) stepped in as Gaston, and a tech girl stepped in as feather duster. It was rough but we made it work, that was closing night. I was in a small ensamble concert with a couple friends June 9th 2016. We sang a choral piece we did last year called can’t think of a fake song name so I am putting nothing lol. It is such a beautiful piece. I went to a shrink for the first time and got medication for my Bipolar Depression. I joined band CLASS for senior year playing Mellophone and that is exciting. I started practicing in May during my lunch and then went to all the summer lessons even though I didn’t really need to because they were doing music I wouldn’t have to do but I eventually to tested on that so I am glad I went to those. I got my senior pictures taken July 11th 2016 and most of them turned out horrible but I really wish we can still order them because come on they are my senior pictures. John took me to a fair July 13th for my birthday and I did some stuff for the first time. JULY 15TH 2016!!!! I took my drivers test and passed, went home to make sure we had everything for the dmv, went to the dmv, didn’t have everything we needed, went home to get my social #, went to dmv, went home because we didn’t have the little blue card, went to dmv, FINALLY got my license. I wore a really cute outfit that day with a cute skirt. a guy commented on my skirt as i was coming out of my car going to the fun group I am in bus for a weekend thing. It was fun, scary because one of the 2 girls (Cerena/Kirsten) were there, but fun. GOT MY CAR JULY 21ST 2016!!!! Here I said what kind of car I have. HER NAME IS GEM!!!I went to a week long trip with that same group and that was also VERY scary because both of those girls were there. some stuff did happen towards the end with them but it didn’t really matter because I did have a fun time. Sport I am in camp was too hot. we had people passing out left and right. the last day we had to take our water breaks inside because it was so bad. I could really feel a difference in myself because of the medicine that I was taking for my depression and that is great. I got out of bed more and hung out with friends and my boyfriend!!! the rest of the summer was pretty fun :) *Rrrrrriiiiiinnnngggg* now time to talk about the beginning of SENIOR YEAR. pf course my schedule was messed up it always is so lets forget about the first few days. I started off perfectly. doing ALL of my work and having an A+ in every class. on September 10th my school had there first football game and my dad let me go out with John afterwards. we parked across from the new pier in my town because the water was nice and I didn’t get home until sometime after 12 because…..well…. lets just say I did something else I never did before. ooh Marie invited me over for Rosh Hashanah and I felt so honored haha. I tell Marie every single little detail that goes on between me and John and she did the same thing to me about her and her boyfriend.Sep. 24th the sport I am in went to their first competition of the season and we won 1st place :) Since I am captain I accept the award with the “co- captains�� (they are not really co-captains but idk what else to call them without giving it away. oh well.) and do the salute with them and that was so cool and fun. here lets see if I can write the salute down, this will be difficult. (1-2-3-4-1-2-step-forward-fist and arm point to sky- fist and arm point forward- armdown-look up-arm up and point like pointing to stars and drop it to the right for 5-6-7- look straight ahead- arms sharp low V- right hand salute left hand on hip, 1-2-3-4-right hand fist- arms in fists by my sides) Oct. 8th was our second competition and we got second BUT we went up 4 points, which is a huge jump!! Oct. 14th was Senior night and I felt beautiful out on that field, and yes I did ALMOST cry. Homecoming was nice, I went with Marie’s little brother and I felt beautiful again. The sport rally thing was soo much fun!!!! Oct. 23 was our next compitition because the one on the 22nd got rained out and we got i think it was 5th. we went up maybe half a point. Oct. 29th was John’s 20th birthday. I got him a picture frame with a collage of 3 photos of us. when he opened it he hid behind my shoulder and started to cry. I didn’t know what to do. I asked if he liked it and he said yes thank you so much I love it. I thought that he couldn’t be crying just because of my gift what was going on and all he said was “sorry, it;s just, my birthday is always very stressful.” I still don’t know what happened that day. but I had a great time with him and I hope he also had a great birthday. Oct. 30th was trick or treat and this was the first year i WASNT going door to door. instead I was at my friend Hunter’s house doing his haunted trail. I was the first person the the people walking through would see, I was in the asylum. sadly an hour in it started to thunderstorm. my friends were next in line to walkthrough.I was so upset because I was having an awesome time. Oct. 31st I dressed up as a Disney villain for school and that night was the halloween Parade and since I am the only sport captain I get to walk in the front all by myself!!!. I messed up a couple of times but that is because I was so nervous that I would mess up and the girls behind me would make fun of me.. which I think they did. anyway that night was still fun. My school’s first time going to a big sport’s competition was Nov. 5th and it was a long bus ride and we had to be there at like 4am.  sadly we took 6th out of 8th but we moved up a little more than a point which is the good thing. I was behind on a lot of history work because everytime I had a college visit or a guidance appointment it was during third period. luckily I have a teacher who is still letting me make up all the work im missing. Nov 5-13th we had off for a teachers convention (this is including the weekends btw) and this whole week we were in PA and I looked and my 2 top colleges Seton Hill <3 and West Chester. they were both so beautiful. both so very different. but both so beautiful. Seton Hill is still my top school. Nothing else really has happened since then. I finished my first draft of my college essay today, yesterday I applied for the community college near me, and started on the applications to the other schools I want to apply to. hopefully Ill apply soon. Tomorrow (later today(it is 3am)) starts a few new clubs I joined so I am excited for that, and I believe this year’s musical’s info is coming out either tomorrow (later today) or tuesday (tomrrow). being sport captain is so so so so much fun but very stressful because I know the 4 years do not like having a 3 year tell them what to do. I hear the whispers I am not dumb. but i am putting on my brave face and ignoring it because that is what I have to do. oh and one last thing. Justin is like in love with me and keeps flirting with me. I told him to stop many times and then he does, but then starts up again, the last time he did it was very recent and John said he is getting real tired of it so I hope Justin really does stop this time because I want to be FRIENDS with him because he is a nice kid, but that is all i can and WANT to be, friends. okay now I think you are all caught up. Till next time. Peace.

[artificialqueens]

Flying Low Chapter 11 (Group Fic) - Jem

AN: so this one is kind of long, and it’s a different style and pace than usual but it felt right. Thank you for the feedback, I honestly live for it and it encourages me to write more.

Summary: Alaska does her best to navigate everything now that she’s home.

Chapter 11

It only took a week for Alaska to drive Jinkx crazy.

It also only took her a week and a half to kick Jinkx out. It had been what was right for both of them in the end, and Alaska was glad they’d been separated before they’d really fought and said things they’d both regret.

Her new cellphone buzzed by the minute. Sometimes it was Courtney, or Adore, or Michelle, all wanting to know how she was doing. She’d sent all of her friends back to their respective homes as soon as she’d arrived in LA, but they still checked in on her constantly. Alaska wanted to throw the device away, if she was being honest, but Jinkx had told her if she missed their daily phone call she’d send the cops to Alaska’s apartment.

“Did you go to therapy?” Jinkx had asked her today.

“Yes.”

“I swear to God Alaska if you’re lying to me.”

“I went, I promise.” She wasn’t lying. She’d been going once a week and she wasn’t sure if it helping really, but she knew she had to go if she was ever going to be allowed to tour again.

“And when I see you on Friday you’re not going to be thinner than the last time will you?”

“No, mom.” Alaska had assured her. That’s why it hadn’t worked out. As much as Alaska loved Jinkx, and as much as the other queen wanted to help, she became an overbearing weight on Alaska’s shoulders when she was living there. Alaska needed support, but she also needed at least an hour to be independent without someone assuming if she was going to off herself.

So they’d come to some kind of compromise. Jinkx called her once a day to make sure she was awake (alive) and they got together on Fridays in the afternoon for a couple of hours. It was still a lot, but even she had to admit that there was the ever-looming possibility that she was not ok all alone.

The apartment was suffocating sometimes, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave it except to go to her therapist’s office. And she was lonely, not that she’d ever admit it to Jinkx. She’d gone from being constantly surrounded by her friends to isolated with her own thoughts 24/7.

Brenda, that was her therapist’s name, suggested that she organize a schedule to hang out with people other than Jinkx, but Alaska was tired of schedules. Maybe it was bad that her life had barely any structure, but most days she couldn’t even get out of bed, let alone go through a routine. Brenda suggested a lot of things to which Alaska didn’t pay much attention. Group therapy was a solid no, as was telling her family. The woman had even had the audacity to suggest yoga. Ok, maybe Alaska was a bit hard on her. She meant well, there was just no way Alaska was going to go to a class full of suburban moms in leggings to do downward dog.

Her doctor had switched up her meds, but they only made her feel groggy. She knew her depression and anxiety had plummeted since the trauma but how were pills going to erase what had happened? Michelle asked her if she was ready to go to the authorities and Alaska hung up on her. Not her brightest moment upon reflection.

So things were still kind of shitty, but maybe they were moderately better? She missed working so she started sewing garments she’d probably never get a chance to wear. Everything was so quiet all the time. She wished she had a cat or something to keep her company without bothering her but also knew she’d forget to feed it. Hell, she couldn’t even feed herself more than pre-packaged meals and protein boosts. At least she was eating at all.

Then it was late one night, and she was feeling vulnerable and all she wanted was a fucking drink so she did what she knew was wrong and selfish and called Sharon.

“Alaska?” She answered right away even though it was 4am for her. Alaska wasn’t sure she would, because once she’d told Sharon to go home, her ex hadn’t even called once. Alaska didn’t know if she was sad or grateful about that.

“Will you come visit me?” She asked and she hated that she sounded desperate.

“Of course, I’m-” Alaska could hear her shuffling around. She was definitely in bed then. She probably didn’t want to wake up Chad. “I’m in Pittsburgh, but I can be there tomorrow.”

She almost protested, almost said that she didn’t have to rush and that she was fine. But she was tired and delusional and something in her didn’t care if Sharon had to leave her life behind at such short notice.

“Ok.” She said instead.

——-

Sharon arrived in the late afternoon the next day. She’d gotten the quickest flight she could manage from Pittsburgh. By then, Alaska was level-headed again, and it wasn’t that she regretted it, but she felt really fucking guilty.

Sharon told her she’d dropped her things off at a hotel nearby. That hurt Alaska’s heart a little bit, but it was for the best that she wasn’t going to be staying overnight with her. She opened her arms to hug her, letting Alaska come to her and she couldn’t help but find herself apologizing over and over in her arms.

“I’m sorry I called you, I’m sorry I made you come here.” She whispered, but Sharon didn’t let go.

“It’s fine, Lask. I told you, I’m here for you.” Sharon gently grasped the back of her neck, rubbing it gently and comfortingly. “I wasn’t lying.”

“How long can you stay?” Alaska dared to ask.

“As long as you need, as long as you want.”

Didn’t Sharon know that those were two very different things?

Alaska let her into the apartment properly, putting away Sharon’s beat-up leather jacket as she took off her shoes. She realized that in all the years she’d been living here, Sharon had barely even been by once. Since they’d broken up they really only saw each other professionally, despite the media label of “boyfriends to best friends”. Still, after all that time Sharon knew her better than anyone.

Sharon looked around, and Alaska found herself embarrassed of the mess. When they’d been together they were both messy with their drag, but the dirty dishes, clothes, and garbage told a little too much of what Alaska had been up to the past few weeks. Hint: not much.

“Is Jinkx here?” Sharon asked instead of addressing the chaos. She moved to sit on the living room couch, lifting up an old blanket and moving it over so Alaska would have room to join her.

“Oh, I guess I didn’t tell you. She moved back home.”

“Oh.” Sharon’s voice betrayed her concern. “Did something happen?”

“Nothing major. We fought all the time. I was a brat, like usual, and she was always there, always telling me to do something, and I couldn’t handle it. I love her, but it was a lot.”

Sharon just nodded, and Alaska couldn’t tell if she was upset with her for kicking Jinkx out.

“How are you doing?” Sharon asked and Alaska opened her mouth to answer before she was interrupted. “And not some bullshit about how you’re actually a lot better and you’re ready to tour again.”

“I’m ok.” Alaska said, and Sharon’s eyebrows furrowed skeptically. “And sometimes I’m not. I mostly feel numb a lot, because of my meds, I think. I know I’m not better, not enough to be working, but I feel really useless and really lonely here.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, I’m really glad you’re here.” Was there an awkwardness between them again? Alaska didn’t want that. She tried to assure herself that nothing had changed. So what, Sharon was engaged? It didn’t mean anything. She was still happy to help Alaska, right?

“Have you eaten lunch?” Sharon changed the conversation.

Alaska shook her head. She’d been feeling too nervous about Sharon coming over to stomach anything.

“Can I order something in here?”

They decided to get Japanese food and it was the first proper meal Alaska had eaten in awhile. She flipped on the tv and put on the Golden Girls, choosing episodes at random. Sharon laughed at her fondly and exclaimed that she hadn’t changed a bit. They settled in on the couch, and the awkwardness melted away.

Sharon indulged her just like she had when they were together, pretending to enjoy watching four old ladies making fools of themselves. Alaska spoke almost every line out loud; she knew them all by heart. They stayed like that for hours, and eventually Alaska found herself drifting off to sleep in Sharon’s lap. The TV continued to drone on, but it just became background noise, and Alaska was just so comfortable. She tried to stay awake, but Sharon told her it was fine, and gently stroked her hair.

When she woke up a few hours later, she was in her own bed, tucked under the covers, and Sharon was gone.

——–

Sharon was there the next morning, and the one after that. Soon enough, a few days turned into a week, into two, four, six.

Alaska never asked when the wedding was going to be, because she was afraid of the answer she’d get. She just relished in their time together trying not to think about how it had an expiry date.

They went to concerts and movies and took long trips to the grocery store, all the things they usually never had time for with shows and tours and albums consuming their lives.

Brenda told her she should be careful about her dependence on Sharon. Eventually she’d have to leave, go back to Pittsburgh and her fiancé.

“Do you think you’re going to be ok when that happens?” She’d asked Alaska.

Alaska quit seeing her after that.

Brenda wasn’t the only one who was worried about Sharon’s influence on her life. Jinkx had warned her against it on their weekly lunch date, and she’d told Michelle, who’d been quick to call in with her opinion. But Alaska was feeling the best she had in months, or even years, and it was no coincidence that her change in mood had to do with Sharon’s arrival in LA.

Their friendship wasn’t like when they’d been together. First of all they weren’t both fucked up on drugs and alcohol. There wasn’t the jealousy, the lying, the fighting that had filled their romantic relationship with turmoil. It was equal this time too; they were both successful in their own ways and neither of them had to give anything up for the other. Sharon knew Alaska better than anyone, and maybe that’s the main reason it worked. She was lonely and depressed, and she needed someone who’d support her, listen to her, but not coddle her. Someone who wasn’t so attached that she wouldn’t give her freedom but knew her well enough to read the signs and provide what she needed.

And maybe she missed the kissing and the sex a little–scratch that–a lot, and was reminded of it every second that Sharon was around, but it was better than being without her. They were friends, and that was enough. Sharon still left every night to go back to her hotel. She was probably paying a fortune for it, but Alaska knew better than to ask her to just stay over. She understood why Sharon had to draw that line.

“Michelle wants to go back on tour.” Sharon told her one evening as if she’d been dreading speaking. They’d been having fun all day doing some thrifting but Sharon always got serious at night.

Alaska took a moment to understand the tone of voice. She didn’t sound happy, shouldn’t she be happy? She finally got it. “Without me, you mean.”

Sharon nodded.

“I wanted you to know before it was all over the Internet.”

That hardly would have been a problem. Alaska had logged out of all her social media for fear of what people might be saying about her sudden drop off the face of the earth. It hurt a little bit that Michelle hadn’t told her herself but after the way Alaska had been treating her in their phone calls, she couldn’t really blame her.

“It makes sense.” Alaska said gently. And it did. The other girls had probably recovered just fine and it didn’t make sense for the entire world to stop turning just because poor old Alaska was still fucked up.

“Are you ok?” Sharon asked. Alaska was sure she’d know if she lied and said she was fine.

“Are you going to go?” She just questioned her instead. Sharon didn’t falter at the question and kept her gaze steady.

“I told her no, not until you’re back.”

Alaska’s heart swelled but she felt a little guilty. This was getting into dangerous territory. She knew she should ask why Sharon was putting her entire life on hold just for her, the messed up ex boyfriend, when she had millions of fans to perform for, music to write, a fiancé to marry. Why would she run from that?

Once again she kept her mouth shut. Was it bad that she hoped Sharon needed Alaska as badly as Alaska needed her?

———-

Sharon was with Alaska when Chad called. It wasn’t the best moment to answer, perhaps; Alaska had been in bed all day severely depressed and panicky and only recently calmed down. She’d been so much better but the flashbacks still hit her from time to time and all Sharon could do was listen and comfort her. However, she had been missing Chad’s calls all week and it was starting to weigh on her conscience. She excused herself to take the call in the kitchen, knowing that being around Alaska would be a bad idea.

“When are you gonna come home?” He asked, and he didn’t sound mad but his voice was distant.

“I don’t know.”

“I can’t do this Sharon.”

They were words that Sharon had secretly been wanting to hear but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

“I can do it when you’re away on tour, and you talk to me every day and I know I’m still the only one you’re thinking about.”

“That’s not fair Chad, I….” Sharon paused, leaning in the kitchen counter and letting the cold of the granite seep into her palm. “She needs me.”

“I know that, and I get that. But you can’t pretend your heart isn’t invested.”

Sharon didn’t think it was worth fighting. Maybe she didn’t even want to fight it. Chad wasn’t wrong, she cared a lot about Alaska, and it wasn’t something she could just control. “I’m not cheating on you, if that’s what you think.”

“Aren’t you, though?” Chad said a little bitterly, but he mostly sounded tired. “I doesn’t matter if you’re not fucking him, Aaron. You’re supposed to be here with me, but you’re not, you’re with him in LA and that’s not much different.”

“I love you.” That was all she could manage to say. She didn’t have an excuse, only those three words that were still true but held very little weight.

“You love him more.”

“I’m sorry.” And she was. Sharon was sorry that she’d been treating him like shit, running away without a proper conversation. She just wasn’t in it anymore, and he was right, her heart was somewhere else. She couldn’t regret the time she’d been spending with Alaska, but she could feel guilty about treating Chad unfairly.

“It’s ok… Well, it fucking sucks, but I’ll be ok.”

This was going to be a lot harder on him that it was on her. Chad’s voice was shaky as they said their goodbyes, and Sharon realized it sounded like he’d been crying before picking up the phone. But God, or Satan, or whoever was there controlling the universe, she just felt like a weight had been released from her chest. She supposed that was a sign that it had been destined to happen. Such an imbalance of happiness could never have lasted.

——–

Sharon went back to Alaska’s bedroom after the call. Her head was spinning with emotions, but the tension she’d been holding in her jaw and her neck for weeks had relaxed.

The younger queen immediately asked her what was wrong because of her strange demeanour.

“We broke up.” She said bluntly, but not sadly.

“Fuck Sharon, I’m sorry.” Alaska cursed. “It’s not because…?”

“It’s not your fault; it was mine. It was a long time coming, I just didn’t want to see it.” Sharon sighed and chuckled bitterly at herself. “I’ve been here for weeks and I haven’t once wanted to go back.”

“Where are you gonna go?”

“I don’t know.”

Silence fell over them, and Sharon bit her lip. When she looked up, Alaska was looking at her through her lashes. Even without fake ones, they were long and pretty.

“You could stay here.” She suggested, and it was a heavy statement. Sharon neither accepted or declined but instead came to sit next to Alaska on her bed. Would it be wrong to kiss her only minutes after breaking off her engagement? Yes, probably, maybe? The voice of reason in her head was getting quieter.

Alaska leaned in Sharon’s direction until she could feel her breathing against her cheek. “In fact, you should stay here.” She whispered into Sharon’s ear, and she really didn’t think she was strong enough to resist. Despite being sweaty, with unwashed hair and yesterday’s clothes. Alaska was kind of fucking beautiful. Her blue eyes were hooded with desire as they met Sharon’s, and her full lips formed into a pout.

Fuck. The electric current in the sliver of a gap between their faces was multiplying by the second.

Sharon finally closed the space between their lips, gripping onto the sides of Alaska’s face gently. Maybe they were going fast, but somehow it was like they had been together again for weeks. No, they hadn’t been intimate, but Sharon wasn’t foolish enough to think she didn’t know Alaska intimately because of the time they’d been spending together.

The younger queen was wearing mint Chapstick, and it was so familiar to Sharon that it brought her back. She remembered that her lips would crack and bleed without it, and it seemed that hadn’t changed. Sharon nipped at Alaska’s bottom lip, which was quivering gently against her mouth. She let out a whimper, obviously wanting to be closer still.

The brunette’s hands wandered to her shirt, slowly pushing it up her torso and pulling it over her head. Alaska’s hips ground into Sharon’s and she could tell she was hard even though they were both wearing jeans.

“Are you sure?” Sharon asked between kisses. “Because I need you to be sure.”

“I am.”

“You have to tell me what you need.” She couldn’t be taking advantage of Alaska when she was weak. She needed to know that she wasn’t gonna wake up in the morning and regret it.

“I need you.”

Sharon took it slow, which was something they never used to do. Though the sex had always been good, it had so often been angry and hard and fast. They knew each other’s bodies so well but now they had to learn all over again. She tried to be careful, testing every step and every touch with utmost care. She reached for the bottom of Alaska’s shirt, tugging on it gently but the other queen grabbed her hands to stop her.

“I’m sorry.” She apologized. “Can we leave it on?”

“Of course.” Sharon said without malice. “Thank you for telling me.”

They continued in that routine. Sharon would go slow, and Alaska would tell her what she could and couldn’t do. Maybe it added an awkwardness to something that should be natural, but the reality was that the trauma Alaska had endured was anything but natural. They just had to work around it, and and Sharon learned the Operation Board of where to touch and where to avoid on Alaska’s body. (Forehead, Mouth, Stomach: Good. Chest, Wrists, Throat: Bad). Neither of them could afford to get shocked. Soon enough, Sharon was on her knees with her lips around Alaska’s cock and they were both moaning. The skinny queen had her head thrown back, completely overwhelmed by Sharon’s mouth bobbing up and down her length. Sharon could feel her surrender against her, and there was something about knowing that Alaska trusted her enough to give up control that only made Sharon ache for her more. She unravelled screaming Sharon’s name, and it was familiar and right.

After Alaska came she pulled Sharon up to kiss her, hard, and trailed her fingers down her chest. They switched positions, and Sharon found the back of her knees pressed up against the bed where Alaska had just been moments ago. The younger queen began to place kisses down her bare torso until she reached the waistband of her jeans. Then she froze.

There were many things she couldn’t do anymore that she used to when they were together. Alaska had asked not to have her hands restrained, and they’d both decided penetrative sex would be too much tonight. Even still, Sharon could see her getting frustrated with herself. Her hands were shaking as she fumbled with Sharon’s belt, betraying her anxiety.

“Baby, baby stop.” She grabbed both of Alaska’s hands and pulled her to her feet from her kneeling position. She looked her right in the eye. “We don’t need to, it’s ok.”

“But you did it for me and I want to be able to do it for you.” Alaska was almost in tears, her whole body quivering.

“Woah there, woah there, I think it’s time to stop.” She wrapped the taller queen in her arms, pulling her face into the crook of her shoulder.

“Fuck… I’m sorry Shar.” Alaska choked.

“No need to apologize. We’ll get there. Or if we don’t, that’s ok too.”

“I want to make you feel good too.”

“You do make me feel good.” Sharon reassured her, placing a kiss on Alaska’s soft brown curls. “We have all the time in the world to figure out what works.”

Sharon pulled her over to the bed, tossing her down gently onto the duvet. She stood up quickly, and Alaska whimpered as they lost contact.

“One sec,” Sharon reassured her. She shuffled around the room until she found what she’d been looking for: a huge, fluffy navy-blue blanket. She brought it over to the bed, wrapping it around Alaska’s shoulders.

“You don’t want to sleep in jeans, do you?” She asked the younger queen, who looked tiny, engulfed in the large throw.

Alaska drowsily kicked off her pants so she was just in boxer briefs and a t-shirt. Sharon took off her own jeans too but didn’t bother with a shirt. She snuggled in underneath the covers with Alaska, reaching out her arms before stopping and saying, “can I hold you?”. Alaska nodded and huddled into Sharon’s side.

The puzzle clicked.