#like the area of town in which fun shit happens it also incredibly dangerous

[transgayhawkeyepierce]

I have tickets for a band I wanted to see, but since I don't have anyone to go with I'm probably going to have to skip it :(

[pixel-cat-1]

I just finished The Outer Worlds

I don’t really ever use this blog for more than reblogging stuff, so this is probably coming out of left field for anyone who follows me, but as you see in the title, I beat The Outer Worlds not a couple of minutes ago. I have some thoughts I’d like to talk about while their fresh, and this is as good a place as any to do that lol

So, what did I think of it? Overall, I think The Outer Worlds is okay game that ultimately fails to meet up in many regards to not only Obsidian’s golden child, Fallout New Vegas, but in some departments even regular ass Bethesda games from years ago. And that’s honestly such a shame, because TOW had so much goddamn potential and yet I finished it and felt practically nothing for the entire last level and final ending sequence.

The main issue I think is that ultimately speaking, TOW doesn’t necessarily do anything different from any other RPG I can think of, and it doesn’t do anything like that super well. 

For example, the combat’s good on a technical level. The controls and mechanics are fun to use (especially the dodge system), but the enemies tend to either range from “complete curb stomp bitch babies” to “bullet sponge that’ll kill me so fast I won’t even know what happened.” Most fights weren’t particularly engaging, and I was basically handicapping myself but not using the companion abilities for about 75% of the game (I don’t know why I never tried pressing the d-pad buttons, but yet again, when I can just shoot shit and huff an inhaler, I didn’t need to think too hard). The disparity of how difficult the game can be is often confusing, and I was more often limited because of my ammo count more so than my ability to play the game.

The RP aspects can be good at times. There are plenty of skill checks that reward you for being a smart little egg, and a part of RPG’s I like is being able to avoid combat and make people happy, and generally make myself useful, so that was fairly fun. Overall the dialogue options and the performances by most VA’s left me not feeling like I was being hindered in acting and responding to situations how I’d like, so at the very least, that didn’t let me down.

The music was overall enjoyable, although very forgettable, and sometimes a bit all over the place: there’s Western-y guitar ambient tracks, also some more techno-y ones? Elevator music that sounds like they got it from a royalty free website. This kinda wish-washyness ties into multiple issues I had with the game I’ll get into further on.

The graphics are good, which isn’t necessarily shocking anymore because every game looks good. There are some aesthetic choices I liked, that being things like the Art Deco style architecture and advertisements from the loading screens. Terra 2 is gorgeous as all hell, with the skybox being particularly amazing (I’ve often fantasized about Earth having rings, so this partially fulfills that fantasy). Monarch is overall also very well done, with making it look and feel like a hostile shithole with ravenous wildlife. The looming gas giant overheard also does a good job of making me feel dread, which is about as much of that feeling I ever got. However, the game never really maintains a distinct “style”, rather it collages a bunch of them at once. Because for all the aesthetic of the Art Deco style that they do for cities like Byzantium. there’s like 10 levels/areas that are just generic as all hell “sci-fi space shit” that you’ve seen before. And then there’s Scylla, which is so fucking boring in design I don’t know why it’s even in the game.

This creates an issue where it’s like they wanted to make the game look Bioshock, but some people wanted something out of Mass Effect. But some people played Borderlands, and wanted to go for the wacky space bandit and hostile environment feel. But they also wanted to stick it to Bethesda, so they made is vaguely look like a Fallout game as well. It’s hard to describe in text, so I’m just gonna post these and show it best I can

^ It looks like space Bioshock here

^ And here it reminds me more of Borderlands than anything else (it’s a lot easier to see if you look at it from the ground, rip)

Scylla is literally just a rock. As far as I can tell, you could probably fucking avoid the damn thing if you avoid side quests. There’s fucking nothing there. Just enemies, a few side quest things, an empty town and a giant terraformer thingy that’s interesting to look at for like 4 seconds. And despite what you’d think, no, there is no low gravity. That would’ve at least made this place have some interesting gimmick or mechanic, but no. It’s just a fucking dumping ground for side quests. God. Fucking. Damnit.

All science-y buildings just look like this for the most part across all levels. It’s not bad, just very generic and same-y.

The Groundbreaker’s fairly interesting, until you realize that all it is is essentially a giant corridor front to back. Actually, scratch that, it’s two corridors! One of which is this Back Bays area overrun with criminals. How do you get to this clearly dangerous and isolated part of the ship? Well a fucking elevator smack dab in the middle of the pavilion of course! So anyone can just go up or down into this apparent no man’s land part of the ship by literally going into it via an elevator. Dear god.

^Monarch definitely has one of the best looking environments in the game, tied with Terra 2 down below

But what absolutely fucks the game overall is despite how much effort they put into making everything look nice (regardless if you actually like it or not), the overall level design in terms of function and whatnot? Mind numbingly boring.

All levels are really small maps with (at most) a handful of major buildings or towns depending on the scale, and the rest is just a bunch of abandoned buildings with some enemies, or a crashed ship or something. There's just...nothing going on with half of these dungeons.

Also the vast majority of buildings have a “Quarantine” sign out front or is locked in some capacity, which means you could have 4-5 buildings in a random batch of them along a road, but only 2 you can explore. And since all the fucking interiors across multiple planets look the exact same, it leads to an incredible feeling of sameiness in a game that has you running around an entire solar system. How the fuck even??? I’d argue fucking Fallout 3 handled this better. At least there was more to do! More overall dungeons and levels! Did I miss something? Am I just fucking stupid and I missed the all the good shit?

Combine this with the wish-washy aesthetics and music, it leads to an incredible feeling of not really knowing what to make of things. You’ll just be sprinting around, shooting all the red things on the compass just to get it over with by Monarch. And when you realize that LMG’s are just...the best weapons in the game as far as I could tell, and there’s no real downsize to them, you’ll just fucking run around gunning everything down while some forgettable track plays in the background until some enemy with a weirdly large health bar forces you to think for a bit before you get back to running around and shooting shit again. 

Despite this though? I still overall enjoyed the combat. I liked running around and becoming the 4th Horseman. Plus with the mechanics overall being fun to use, it wasn’t really that bad. But I can’t say on an objective level I think it’s good for a game to feel like that. Because despite how heavy handed I’m being right now (and will be throughout the rest of this impromptu review), I don’t hate this game. 

Sound design is overall very good. Guns make satisfying shooty shooty bang bang noises, and as I said before, the VA’s are overall very good all around. Parvati stands out as the most interesting character to listen to in general. She has a lot of informal speech patterns that makes her distinct, and is generally a treat to listen talk. At worst, you get a character like Nyoka, who doesn’t sound bad by any real means, but for a lot of her dialogue, I felt they should’ve slowed it down and focused on getting her emotions down. But it certainly wasn’t bad.

Storywise? This game wasn’t particularly interesting. I’m gonna put the keep reading thing here because I want to avoid spoilers for anyone who hasn’t played yet and cares about them. Long story short, I think the game was good, but very disappointing given what it could have been. I enjoyed myself for the most part, but often found the lack of anything super special to really hold it back from achieving something I think the gaming industry needed in an era of, ironically enough, hyper greedy corporations with no morals to speak of.

So, what did I think of the story? And I guess by extension, the side quests. Overall, I think the main story was...not very good. There was a lot of good stuff inbetween though, and a lot of side quests and little things definitely were enjoyable. But the plot is just not nearly as engaging as it should be. Given how short it was though, that might’ve been a mercy.

The story, as roughly as I can summarize is, is that you’re a colonist frozen on the colony ship “Hope.” It’s been adrift for 70 years, but you’re woken up by a guy named Phineas Welles (he’s basically Doc Brown, but nicer). The Board (which consists of the 10 companies who own and run the colony/solar system) try to stop him, but they fail, and you’re escape podded onto Terra 2, near a dying town called Edgewater. The pod accidentally kills the contact you were to meet, so now you’re gonna steal his ship and use it to do shit basically.

Along the way, you pick up a ragtag band of miscreants and general shitheads and kill a lot of people and wildlife in a quest to stop the corrupt Board from running the colony harder into the dirt than they already have. It’s very by the numbers, more or less. I guess.

The immediate issue is that, despite being able to join the Board and betray Phineas if you want, there’s absolutely no fucking reason to do that. Not a single goddamn reason, other than for the evulz. This creates an issue where I feel no reason to deviate from the Phineas side of the story. And I know what someone might be thinking “But Pixel! The Board is supposed to be evil!” And I am absolutely aware of that. But the thing is, so was Caesar’s Legion in Fallout New Vegas. And yet, that faction is often considered just as interesting and compelling a faction for the game as the NCR or Mr. House. People will, to this day, still argue over who had the best idea for solving the Wasteland’s issues. Because despite how evil the Legion is, they still had very valid points about the NCR and how horribly corrupt and bloated it was. And there was absolutely an argument to be made about how safe they made their lands for those under their ownership. Stuff like that that makes you actually consider and think about whether or not you're actually making the right choices for the whole of the New Vegas wasteland, and by extension the rest of the Western part of America.

Here? There’s no contest. There is no necessary evils. There is no good reason the Board does anything. No logic, no reason. All they can do is fuck shit up even more, and that makes them such a boring, vague antagonist that there was never a moment in my mind I actually considered working for them. Any potential moments they had to sway me or dashed aside by them constantly proving how they could never actually fix the problems they made. And if that was the intention? Then Obsidian fucked up.

People remember the villains that raise a point a hell of a lot more than they do villains that are just evil for the sake of it (there are obviously exceptions, for an RPG? you need a compelling villain). And that’s why no one will remember this game in a decade. It pales so hard in comparison to New Vegas, it’s not even funny. It’s on par with Fallout 3, at best. Which wouldn’t be a bad thing if the whole point of this game was to make a statement against an increasingly morally bankrupt Bethesda.

Let’s look at, per se, Skyrim. Paarthurnax was a supporting character with an interesting backstory: he’s Alduin’s brother, who is the main antagonist. He is a dragon that secludes himself on the top of the tallest mountain in Skyrim, who meditates and focuses on suppressing his inherit evil dragon nature. Despite this nature, he chooses to be good. And he asks a very compelling question.

"What is better? To be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?”

In a single sentence, Skyrim asked a more though provoking question than the entirely of The Outer Worlds. And if you played F:NV, then it’s probably weird to hear that, because F:NV was full of moral and philosophical quandaries. So where did it all go?

The thing is, people forget that the Obsidian that made F:NV is dead and gone. The actual people who made that game have all moved on from that company. This is the child trying to replicate the success of it’s parents, without entirely understanding exactly what the parent did to achieve what it achieved.

The biggest difference between F:NV and TOW is that F:NV really forces you to think. TOW just doesn’t require that, at all. 

Phineas good, Board bad. No thinking required.

I think the real warning sign is at the beginning of the game as well. Edgewater, the first town in the game, is dying. People are leaving and the town's also dealing with a disease epidemic. The town’s leader’s answer? Cut off power to the deserters, and force them to work harder despite the fact the town’s basically dying because of the overworking and disease. Despite the fact there’s not even enough medicine to heal everyone, and they have to play favorites with who lives and who dies.

What the fuck logic is this? Why would I ever choose that?

The only other choice, unless I missed a compromise solution (which I would’ve wanted) is to route power to the deserters and finish off the town more or less. The deserters wouldn’t take in everyone though, so a lot of people would die anyways. But even then, she’s still clearly the more competent leader. There’s not a goddamn contest. 

It just continues like that the whole game. I rarely had to think about who I’d side with. because the solution is obvious. The literal only reason I’d side with the corporations is if I was being evil, nothing else.

The best the story gets is when you need to make a compromise on Monarch between MSI (a corporation who got the boot from the Board) and the Iconoclasts (Religious people who are anti corporation). If you work with the second in command of the Iconoclasts, you can depose their extremist, dipshit leader and work out a truce. Which is good! It rewards the player for this too, when these factions come to help in the final level of the game (and when you see specific characters you could save helping out, that also make it feel like your decisions had an impact). You see the two factions...standing next to eachother, which isn’t much, but it’s about as much change you see in the game.

Which is also another thing that TOW fails to accomplish: a sense of longevity with my decisions leads to me feeling that, despite making the right choices, nothing really changes. 

Going back to Edgewater, you’d think after a while, I’d come back and the town would be entirely gone or something, right? 

Nope.

Some NPC’s stood outside the factory forever, as did some guards. There weren’t any lights on. That’s about it.

Well, certainly the Deserters must give me more quests to help out, which can lead to me establishing them and helping them help the Edgewaterers, right?

No. Very quickly you realize there’s very little do or talk about with NPC’s after you do monumental decisions. The only functional difference is an opinion slider, which is another imitation from F:NV that means fuck all. The only in game things it affects is: a) The prices of venders of that factions

b) Whether or not that faction will shoot you on site.

That’s it as far as I noticed. The best idea they had, that being that factions can love you, but also fear you just doesn’t do anything. As far as I could tell, at least.

I’d love to be wrong, because I was so excited to see what would happen to entire settlements and after I helped them. After I made important decisions that’d change the face of the colony. And I felt so disappointing when it became apparent little actually mattered. 

The companion sidequests aren’t too much better. The pacing is so weird, sometimes, depending on how available certain planets are. Parvati’s was especially jarring, despite it being the best written by far.

It basically is you helping her get with an engineer chick from the Groundbreaker. It’s pretty adorable overall, and without a doubt has some of the better writing character wise, but the pacing was so fucking weird. It initially starts with you getting Parvati to talk to her about engineering stuff. They say they’ll email and stuff about engineering stuff. which is neat. So I run around, finish up all the side quests on the ship as I can, then head back to my own ship. I did not go back to my ship at all during this. 

When I come back, Parvati immediately tells me that she and the engineer, Junlei, have been messaging and getting flirty and now she has a crush and it’s just like “Dude, were you texting her while we murdered all those bugs in the engine?”

It’s doubly funny as well, because Obsidian wanted to avoid the player having romanceable characters. Which makes about as much sense as you think. Once source said the reason was that they wanted you to focus on roleplay, and not trying to bang anyone you found hot (okay?). Another just said they weren’t ready for it. And I believe it. As much as I think romance would’ve been another good thing to add depth to this game, I bet you they’d have fucked it up. It’s just funny. Even Fallout 4 had pretty acceptable romances.

Granted the system was fucking basically “Kill shit together until you wanna bang” but fuck, it was something! It also doesn’t help there’s a bunch of cuties all over this game: Huxley stands out as an adorable muffin who becomes a generic NPC at the end of the MSI/Iconoclast questline, despite the fact you can even repair her journal terminal with zero indication at you can do it, which is good! Let me just do things to be nice! But she literally just sits there after you rescue her with a few dialogue options which goes away after the peace deal, and it's so fucking frustrating that I want to enjoy the characters more, but none of them seem to have more than a paragraph's worth of depth to them and it's so sad.

Even the companions are like this. At the beginning I’d try and talk with Parvati about anything, but the only dialogue options would be about getting her out of the party, and that’s it. I can’t ask her what she thinks of things, or of the current quest/situation. There’s such a weird lack of depth in a weird amount of areas, that it felt almost worse than playing a Bethesda game.

I think the penultimate disappointment of the game is, fittingly, the final level, Tartarus. Which is fitting, because it feels very hellish. Not the planet mind you, or the prison which it takes place in, but just the complete lack of anything super special. It’s just the same kind of environments you’ve already run through, but bigger and with more bullet sponge bad guys. Which is funny, because jumping around and killing an army on a purple hell planet that has perpetual lightning storms would’ve been sick as fuck, but nah, gotta run around on Scylla instead of anywhere else compelling.

In my playthrough, MSI, the Groundbreaker, and the Iconoclasts came to help me deal with all the fucking goons, which was mostly cool because I didn’t have to deal with the tediousness of killing every last one of corporate goon myself.

This is about as big of an impact your decisions come to as far as I’ve noticed. Which isn’t saying much.

You meet the Chairman of the Board here, by the way. I just shot him and kept moving. shrugs

There’s also a last minute villain in this Sophia person, who is also apparently on the Board? It’d help if there was a list of the Board people, which could’ve been on a terminal somewhere. Maybe I’m dumb and never found it, which is plausible. 

The final boss fight, (I hesitate to call it that) is just somewhat large robot. It’s a bullet sponge with respawning combat drones flying everywhere and they’re very annoying. I died once after around 10 minutes of fighting, then using Parvati and Felix’s (he’s another companion, he’s also okay I guess) combat abilities I knocked it down and layed into the robot’s weak spot. He died very quickly.

So depending on how you do it, the final fucking boss is either stupidly hard or mind numbingly easy. I don’t know which is worse.

So you go past the dead robot, gun down Sophia in one shot, and save Phineas. You basically become the leader of Halcyon, there’s a F:NV-esque slideshow and commentary about your actions that somehow is worse that New Vegas’s, credits roll, and you sit there thinking “That’s it? That’s really it?”

Yeah, that’s it. 

It’s such a let down, especially because this was supposed to be Fallout New Vegas’s spiritual successor. But all it does it make me want to play that game instead of this one.Which is probably what you should do regardless if you pick this game up or not.

There’s a bunch of other mechanics and stuff I never brought up. There’s technically a character customization screen, but you literally only see your character in the select menu, and there’s no third person. There’s a barber in Edgewater who’s also a doctor, and yet you can’t even get a haircut from him (again, failing to match up to even Fallout 3). 

There’s these Mods you can put on armor and guns, and you find them by the bucket full so you’ll always have those. Just get an aim stabilizing one for an LMG and you’ll be fine. You can also tinker your armor and weapons, making them stronger if you spend credits on it (why not the armor and weapon parts, I’ll never fucking know). You can repair your stuff at a workbench, which is advisable. Just take all the weapons and armor you pick up, take it apart for parts, and never worry about it again. You’ll get money from quests, so buying those parts is meaningless and a waste of money

There’s also hacking and stealth and stuff. Stealth is such a non...thing in the game. There’s no silencers, but since all enemies decided to put cotton into their ears, there’ll be plenty of times I shoot someone, and a guy ten feet away heard fucking nothing. Plus there’s this disguise mechanic where you pick up ID guards and get a hologram disguise that wears out as you walk (passing speech check from suspicious guards restores it), so it’s not like sneaking around was ever a priority. Just put your points into the speech. Stealth is a dump stat more or less. 

Oh yeah, Parvati’s an ace lesbian. Which is nice that they handled that way in a non-dipshit way (you can also identify as ace in certain dialogue with her in her companion questline, which is funny considering they never let you fuck anyways, so it’s weird that you even have the choice). My only complaint is that they should’ve put this representation in a better game. 

What’s funny is that, despite everything, I don’t even hate this game. I feel a remarkable numbness, followed by a desire for something better. I spent about a week burning through it? If I had more free time, I could’ve finished it sooner probably. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it. It was pretty fun for what it was, but knowing that this is somehow supposed to match up to what F:NV was is sad, and a sign of how bad the gaming industry had fallen. 

The only difference here is that unlike the Outer Worlds, I can’t purge the rot of the gaming industry with a haelstrom of plasma bullets.

Would I recommend this game? I guess. There’s still some fun to be had, but don’t expect anything too major or interesting. Get it on sale, it;s not worth $60 right now. There’s apparently DLC coming out for it eventually? I might play it, and I might post an update to this review, or make a seperate post for that eventually. Depends on how well this one does? Or if the DLC makes me feel enough emotion to type something out like this in 2 straight hours.

[gmariam321]

Christmas Kitsch

I finished my holiday story! And I’m posting it here since I shared so many excerpts. And so I can work up the courage to put it on AO3, although it won’t be my worst holiday story there. Still, it’s not what I envisioned when I started, as the dark twist (and two half chapters) were tabled for another story. I do hope someone enjoys a laugh or two. Happy Holidays!

Christmas Kitsch

Jack was tired of running.

Once, it had been fun. That had been with the Doctor, always running from danger. It had been adventurous, exciting—even back when the possibility of death had been very real. He hadn't been scared because he'd been with the Doctor, and somehow the Doctor always made things right. "Everybody lives!" he'd exclaim, and they were off on the next adventure.

Jack knew better now. After over a hundred years, he knew that not everybody lived, and he was tired of it. Running wasn't fun, or exciting. It was endless and terrifying and Jack was tired of running.

Especially running after alien elves stealing every Santa Claus in the city.

Ridiculous.

Jack had lived through some tough holidays: wars, epidemics, that one year with his in-laws. He'd watched London experience some strange Christmases, even sat back and laughed a few times. But this one…this was just absurd. If it hadn't been Christmas and he hadn't had plans with Ianto, it might have been somewhat funny, but even Owen was sick of trying to make elf jokes after spending twelve hours chasing the damn things around town on Christmas Eve.

Who stole Santa Claus? Only aliens. And they looked like something straight out of a Marks and Spencer catalog from Mars. Smartly dressed right down to the shiny boots and matching hats, they were more high society teenaged sprites than overworked elves from the North Pole. Jack wanted them gone.

They were fast, and sneaky, and they had a mischievous streak a mile long. They were obsessed with Santa Claus, and every statue, doll, picture or light-up monstrosity in the city had been targeted, with dozens gone missing. Even a few real-life Santas had been harassed. But they were finally closing in, and Jack hoped that within an hour the elves be in the cells so he could finally put on his holiday jumper, take it off, and start celebrating properly with Ianto.

Then again, things never went as hoped in Torchwood.

Tosh was the first to go down. They were tracking the elves through the first floor of Queen's Arcade. It was dark and silent aside from the sad notes of a music box playing Wham from somewhere in Argos. They walked with weapons drawn, constantly scanning for elves, until something came flying at them from above and hit Tosh hard on the head; she fell immediately, landing awkwardly on her arm and hitting her head again. Owen called out and they immediately surrounded their downed teammate while he examined her.

"She's out cold," Owen announced. "And she fell on her arm, wrist looks broken or sprained. I should get her back to the Hub."

"What happened?" asked Gwen.

"This," Owen replied, and he held up a large ceramic St Nicholas with a crack in it. "It's a bloody Christmas ornament."

"Ornaments don't usually knock people out," said Jack.

"Apparently solid ones thrown with enough force can," Owen replied, tossing it up to Jack; it was hideous and heavy. "These buggers must be strong. Where the hell did it come from?"

"John Lewis," said Ianto, shrugging when everyone looked at him. "Saw them there last week."

"Who were you shopping for in John Lewis?" Gwen asked with a teasing smile. Jack rolled his eyes before Ianto could even start to reply.

"Later, Gwen. We need to focus." He glanced around the arcade, checking the upper level. He didn't want to abandon the chase, but he didn't want to leave Tosh unconscious and alone either.

"Let's head to the SUV, and you can take her back to the Hub," Jack decided, and he picked her up. "Cover me from more Santa bombs."

Gwen took point while Ianto followed behind, walking backward to cover them. Owen walked beside Jack, protecting Tosh, until something wet and sticky exploded nearby with a squelching sound. Once more the team closed in, protecting Jack and Tosh. But it was Owen who was hit this time.

"Bloody hell, it's a pudding," he said. "I'm covered in a fucking Christmas pudding."

"Probably got that at Waitrose," Ianto said, his weapon trained on the upper level once more. An evil sounding giggle echoed around them.

"They're shit, Rhys's mum got one last year," Gwen said.

"Would you two stop it with the shopping tips?" Jack snapped. "Let's move, before we're all Christmas casualties."

Ianto and Gwen remained thankfully quiet, and they made it out to the SUV without any more attacks. Tosh came to as Jack laid her down in the back seat. She saw Owen, covered in sticky fruit, and frowned. "Why are you covered in pudding?"

"Same reason you've got a sore head," he said. "Which is also why we get a break from elf wrangling."

Though he didn't see him, Jack could feel Ianto rolling his eyes somewhere behind him. "They're not actually elves, Owen. "

"Whatever, shop boy. They look like elves and are obsessed with Santa. Good enough for me."

Ianto gave an overdramatic sigh laced with long suffering impatience. "They're called Dryadalis. They're from the planet Aquilo, and they worship an ancient deity dressed in red furs known as Paternivei.  They're not stealing Santa, they're releasing the icons of their god from bondage."

Jack and Gwen turned and stared at him in disbelief. "You're joking," said Gwen.

"I don't joke about aliens." Jack suspected he was making it all up, but while Ianto had an impressive poker face, he did know everything, so it could be completely true.

"How do you know all that?" demanded Owen. "And why didn't you tell us sooner?"

"Haven't had a chance 'till now," Ianto replied. "And it was in a Torchwood One file. Always interesting in London at Christmas."

"You're taking the piss," Owen insisted.

"Maybe," said Ianto. "And maybe they shit marshmellows."

Once again Jack stepped in; apparently his team was feeling the holiday stress, if Ianto's sky high sass was anything to go by. "Whatever they are, let's finish this. Owen, you and Tosh go back to the Hub, get fixed up, and meet us wherever we tell you to meet us."

"Will do, boss," said Owen, and he threw the SUV into reverse and sped away. Gwen turned to Ianto.

"Are they really called Dryadalis?" she asked. "Or were you trying to get one over on Owen?"

"I wasn't trying," Ianto replied, and left it at that. Jack was still not sure whether the other man was pulling one over on them all. He shook his head; he'd have to pry it out of Ianto later, preferably under some mistletoe.

"Back to chasing elves, kids," he said. "Before Christmas is ruined for all of Cardiff."

"If they've moved on to stealing puddings, I think we're better off," Ianto murmured.

"Not if we're all wearing one. Let's move out."

"Good plan," said Ianto. "Where to?"

Jack checked his wrist strap; he could track the elves unique energy signature, and it was heading toward Cardiff Castle. They started with a fast walk, and then a slow run.  As they dashed across Castle Street, they saw that the main entrance had been broken open.

Jack tapped his earpiece. "Tosh, Owen," he snapped. "They've got onto the castle grounds. Tell the authorities we're on it and to keep the area clear."

"I'll call them right now, Jack," Tosh said. "Be careful."

"Watch out for fruitcakes," added Owen.

They burst through the tunnel entrance and stopped as something hit Jack in the chest and exploded in a cloud of dust. Looking down, he saw glitter everywhere—his coat, his pants, his shoes. He even spit some out of his mouth.

"Very Elton John," said Ianto.

"To the left!" said Gwen, and she took off toward the castle apartments. As she ran past the trees, one of the aliens leapt out and tackled her. Jack skidded to a stop, Ianto beside him, their weapons drawn as Gwen wrestled with an alien elf.

"Shoot it!" she shouted as they rolled across the pavement and into the cold, wet and unusually muddy grass.

"I can't!" Jack shouted. It latched onto her ankle and bit down hard; she kicked it off with her other foot, but it pounced on her back and they rolled around some more. "Stop moving!"

A shot rang out and the elf collapsed on top of Gwen, both of them covered in mud. Jack turned to Ianto, who met his gaze and raised an eyebrow; Jack half expected him to blow smoke off the tip of his gun.

"Sorted," said Ianto.

Jack frowned, opened his mouth, then shut it with another shake of his head and ran over to Gwen, putting the incredibly sexy image of Ianto and his smoking gun from his head. He heaved the alien off Gwen and grinned.

"People would pay good money to watch mud wrestling like that," he said. She glared at him as he helped her stand, only for her to stumble against him, her leg clearly giving out where the elf had got her.

"Shit, my ankle," she said. "Go, get the bastards."

Ianto was already running toward the keep. Jack sprinted to catch up with him, glitter trailing behind him, and they skidded to a halt as a small spacecraft materialized at the base of the hill. Ianto swore under his breath as a hatch opened on the bottom. Jack agreed with him, as spaceships in the city were a never a good thing. They raised their weapons and waited.

A black boot appeared, and another, followed by red trousers trimmed in white fur.

"I have a bad feeling about this," said Jack.

"Welcome to the Twilight Zone," murmured Ianto.

Several elves sprinted down from the castle, crowding around the figure standing before them. He appeared human, with a truly frightening tangle of white beard. He was large, at least seven feet tall, and exceptionally rotund. Beneath a red cap, a pair of startling green eyes pierced the night as the elves chittered at him.

The figure—alien? human? Father Christmas? – spoke in a language Jack did not recognize. Ianto, however, cocked his head.

"It's Paternivei," he murmured. Jack turned to him in surprise.

"I thought you were making it up," he said.

"You think I could make this up?" Ianto gestured at the site before them as the elves emptied their bags of stolen goods: dozens, if not hundreds, of statues, dolls, and pictures of Santa Claus. They chittered at the large figure in red some more, and he smiled benevolently down upon them, until two more appeared with the body of the elf Ianto had shot off Gwen. The alien frowned, and sent the elves back into the ship with their comrade. With a wave of his hand, the stolen goods disappeared. He took two steps closer.

"You have wronged my children," he said. "They only wished to remedy the sacrilege done to my image. None should have died."

"They attacked us!" Jack protested. "They hurt three of my team." He was counting Owen's pride among the injuries. "They stole from my people."

"My child is dead," the alien said. "You must pay the honor price."

"We hold no such debt," Ianto told him, his voice strong and stubborn. "We were defending our own. You have no right to come here and tarnish our traditions."

"Your traditions make a mockery of our world!" the alien hissed. "And for that you deserve to be punished."

He raised his arms and flung his hands down, and two projectiles flew from his wrists. One impaled itself in Jack's left shoulder; the other buried itself in Ianto's right. Both were large, glass candy canes.

"The honor debt is paid," said the alien. "We will not return to your world. You are crude and ignorant savages." He turned and returned to the ship. The hatch closed, hundreds of multi-colored lights came on, and without warning it ascended into the sky, leaving behind a burned ring of grass in the shape of a wreath.

Ianto grimaced at the candy cane sticking out from his shoulder. "Bollocks," he said. He tapped his earpiece. "Owen, Gwen's down and Jack and I got hit by candy canes. We need you at the castle." He didn't even bother to listen for a response.

"They're on their way," Ianto said. He watched in disgust as Jack pulled the glass from his shoulder. "You're going to bleed out, you know."

"It's not that bad," Jack said, but his coat was quickly soaking through with blood. "I'm sorry we didn't get to celebrate Christmas," Jack said. "At least, in the normal way."

"This is normal," Ianto replied. "For Torchwood."

"Most people don't get impaled on Christmas."

"Well, last year you were asphyxiated," he pointed out. "Less fumes, more blood."

"And already healing," Jack said, feeling the hole in his shoulder knit together. It burned like hell, but he rolled his arm a few times and stretched it out. "How about you?"

"Stitches and a sore shoulder from Santa, just what I always wanted," Ianto replied. He was even more sarcastic when he was in pain. "Maybe I'll get a fashionable sling for Christmas."

"Not from me," said Jack. "I got you a real gift."

"Then I guess I'll have to return the fake one I bought you."

Jack laughed for the first time that night. "I'll take what I can get. Come on, let's go check on Gwen."

"What about that ring?" Ianto motioned toward the burnt grass before turning away. "And the lights? Usual story?"

"We can come up with something," Jack told him. Ianto stumbled and Jack put an arm around Ianto's other shoulder to help him.

"How about Santa and his elves running around Cardiff, throwing glitter, puddings, and candy canes around? No one would ever believe it." Jack laughed again as they found Gwen sitting on a nearby bench, covered in mud and talking on her mobile. Jack guided Ianto to sit down beside her, then glanced around the castle grounds.

"Definitely a Christmas to remember," he said.

"Better than almost jumping off a roof," Ianto murmured, and Jack nodded in agreement even though he hadn't been in London for that one.

"Rhys says he'll meet us at the Hub with pizza and beer," Gwen announced. "And clean clothes." "Owen's on his way," Jack told her. "Are you two doing all right?"

"I got stabbed by Father Christmas," said Ianto, the sarcasm so dry it was combustible.

"I got bit by an elf," said Gwen

"Tie?" Ianto suggested. She nodded and they exchanged a high five.

"This would make a good story," said Jack. "Or maybe a comic book."

Gwen and Ianto burst out laughing, but Jack decided it was their injuries. It would certainly make a good write up for the captain's log. He'd call it Christmas Kitsch and put it in a card to the queen with a picture of the team. Torchwood - for Queen and Country and Christmas.

* * *

Author's Note:

Well thank gosh it's done! So this started out as something quite different: Ianto got hit by the candy cane and died! What! I wrote half the second chapter and half the third chapter before deciding it was utterly ridiculous and let him live. So you're welcome, although it feels slightly more ridiculous now. And if you're disappointed in Ianto's fate here, I'm sure I'll kill him at some point as I have some decent deleted material to rework. Thanks for reading and happy holidays!

[dyaz-stories]

30. Tourist/knowledgeable local au Inukag

Here it comes! So I’m not a fan of the trope I use in this (not the AU though, which I actually quite some fun with), but I’m going to act like it doesn’t really count, because Kagome’s still acting like the absolute badass she is. This is not meant to be happening in any place in particular. Hope you’ll enjoy — and sorry for the delay!

Inuyashacouldn’t stand tourists. He didn’t like them walking around inhis town like they owned it, didn’t like them taking pictures,didn’t like them buying stuff and getting overexcited about “howgood these people were at crafting!”. Yeah, they were, of fuckingcourse. They’d been doing that for centuries, if not more. Hadn’tneeded them for that either — except that now, tourism was theirmain income, and they didn’t have a fucking choice.

Hedidn’t like the competition it had started between villagers,didn’t like the people who had started settling down in town forthe money and who certainly were nottraditional craftsmen, and most of all, he despised the two enormoushotels that had opened at the bottom of the mountain, allowing thetourists to come up in those ridiculous, hideous white buses.

Therewas nothing good about any of that, if you asked him. Good for theeconomy? Lie. They were doing just fine before, and they’d be doingjust fine if they were still able to take care of animals, as theyhad for as long as anyone could remember, instead of being forced toabandon their crops and farming.

Goodfor the culture? Lie —and stupid. Those people didn’t care abouttheir culture, they cared about the exoticism.They cared about taking pictures with an old man dressed in colorfulclothing, and they cared about being able to tell all their friends,back in the big city, how “this trip has changed my life” and“the people there really live with nothing, it’s soinspiring!”.

Ha.And then when they came down of the mountain to study, they weretreated like shit. Like peasants who didn’t know anything, andtheir culture, their way of dressing, of speaking, of thinking,as some weird abnormality that could be made fun of, but was justcoolwhen someone who’d been there walked in with one of theirnecklaces, without any idea of what it was supposed to mean.

Sure,that wasn’t the only thing Inuyasha had had to deal with, but whathe got from being a half-demon only added to that blatant hypocrisy.And he wasn’t even talking about the way they had insinuated thatonly indigenous women would fuck a demon, the insult on his motherbarely hidden.

Mostof them had never even met a fucking demon, of course, since they hadabandoned most urbanized areas, remaining in some of the last havens,such as his mountain.

And,to be honest, making sure it remained like that. For now, at least,no one had dared trying to build new, modern houses on the mountain.Or, well, they’d tried, but there had been gruesome murders, orsaid places had been destroyed, and the people in the village hadn’tlet anyone know of the secrets to be accepted here.

Yet,because Inuyasha had no idea how long that would last.

Butthey did come to visit. Demons didn’t do anything about that,unless you did some stupid shit that really pissed them off.

Well,unless you were in the mountain during the night.

Theywarned tourists about that continually. Don’tthrow your trash in the mountain.Don’tstray from the path. And, whatever you do, don’t, under anycircumstances, stay there after the sun has set.

Still,he couldn’t say he was surprised when a travel courier bursted intothe only inn in the village, followed by a group of distressedcollege students, only a couple of years younger than him, minutesbefore the sunset.

Ofcourse, Sango was the one to walk up to them. Better off that way.He’d been told he scared people. Which was good, actually. Maybethat way they’d respectthe fucking rules.Not that Sango was one to joke with said rules, but she at leastmanaged to stay calm.

Fromwhere he was, he could only hear bits and pieces about theconversation.

“Students…Lost… Fall… Tried to get them…”

Untilhe couldn’t take it anymore. The sun was setting already. Everysecond was vital now, they couldn’t wait for the end of that story.

“Howmany of them?” he asked, standing up, making the woman start thencower.

“F-four,”she replied while Sango glared at him.

Hecursed. Fucking four?What the— had they thought it’d be afun experience?

“Youmentioned a cliff, right?” Sango asked, her voice still calm, buthe could tell there was urgency running under it, and he hissed. Hehad quite a precise idea of the place the woman was talking about,and that was— That was bad.

“Right,”she replied. “Eri slipped, and then—”

Again,they didn’t have time for that.

“Sango.Leaving.”

Shenodded, turning back to glance at her husband. “Miroku, can youtake it from there?”

Hegave her a reassuring smile. In other circumstances, a more dangerousnight for example, or if they had a real chance of bringing them backalive, he would be joining them, but tonight he’d probably bebetter here, calming down the panicked group.

Himand Sango were walking out, after she had just taken the time to grabher giant boomerang, when they were stopped by a young man, wholooked exceptionally common.Brown hair, brown eyes…

“Isthere any way I can come with you?”

…anda hero complex, apparently.

“Certainlynot,” Inuyasha growled before Sango could even open her mouth. “Wedon’t need someone else out there.”

Hepaled. “But Higurashi…”

“We’llbring her back,” Sango promised, setting a calming hand on hisshoulder. “For now though, the best thing you can do is stay here,okay?”

Henodded, but didn’t move out of the way.

“Her?”Inuyasha asked.

“Fourgirls,” Sango replied, glancing at him briefly.

“Keh.”That was unusual, to say the least. People who wanted to provethemselves or whatever other shit went through their stupid mindswere usually boys. “We’ll get your girlfriend, boy. Now move.”

“Oh,Higurashi isn’t my—”

Inuyashatook a threatening step forward. No fucking timefor that. Sango gave the young man one last smile, and then they wereout in the night.

Theair was cold. It was spring already, but they were pretty high up,and demonic energy somehow tended to cool the air. Scientists wouldprobably have had quite a lot to say about it, had they dared to stayaround to study it. But they last team had met an unfortunate ending,and no one had come around since then.

“We’llhave to be quick,” Inuyasha said as they started running towardsthe forest.

Sangodidn’t say anything, simply bringing to her lips the whistle madeof wood she carried around her neck. Only seconds later, a fire-catdemon was out of the woods, and Sango easily jumped on her back, in amovement made swift by practice.

Hewas used to that by now, but still, it was quite impressive.

Thesun was setting just as they ventured in the mountain.

Theyran, unnoticed, silent, for what felt like hours. It had to beshorter than that, but the sound of the forest and the mountainawakeningaroundthem was a worrying weight on their shoulders.

Theyboth knew there was probably no point in doing that. Demons weren’tknown for their patience. They’d be lucky if they even left bonesbehind. Yet, neither of them considered abandoning them. Maybe, bysome miracle, they had managed to hide somewhere. Maybe they’d beenable to push the demons away.

Well,it turned out it was a night for a miracle.

“Smell‘em,” Inuyasha simply said, directing Sango and Kirara in theright direction.

Hedidn’t say he also smelled countless demons. There was no point,and they’d find it out soon enough. Plus, Sango was rathersensitive to the energy, so she was probably aware of it already.Both of them braced themselves for what they would find. They knewthey were nearing the bottom of the cliff. It wasn’t a nice fall,but it wasn’t high enough for them to worry all that much about it.There was however a slope at the bottom, so the girls had probablyrolled from there. They were more than likely injured, but they wouldhave survived it.

Theencounter with the demons, however…

Sango’sheart seemed to stop beating when they arrived. She didn’t recallever seeing such a swarm of demons, ever. At least they were allminor demons, looking like shapeless, flying snakes. All gatheredaround one spot in a disgusting nest, a sight that made her sick,even though she couldn’t yet see what they were focusing on. Shegrabbed the Hiraikotsu in her back, throwing it with a scream.

Itdidn’t make that much damage, though it definitely killed quite afew, but it made the demons pull back for a second, revealing themost surprising sight.

Thefour girls. Alive, with three of them crouched on the ground. One ofthem, on her knees, hands above her, creating a blue light thatseemed to keep the demons away— Barrier.

Duringthat split second, Inuyasha met the girl’s blue eyes.

Theworld stopped.

Then,the demons were back, cutting him from the view, and he was thrownback into reality. What had he seen in there? Strength,determination, power,but… But what the hell wasthat?

Apriestess? He’d only met three persons with spiritual powers in hislife. Kaede, Miroku, and Kikyo — his ex, who had left the villageyears ago, claiming to want “a normal life”. A life he couldn’tbe a part of, apparently.

Sangocaught the Hiraikotsu again, then glanced at him. He could always usehis Tetsusaiga, sure, but then he couldn’t be sure he wouldn’tinjure the girls. The barrier was probably already under a strongassault, he doubted it could take much more. Which meant they’dhave to finish the demons by hand.

Ittook quite some time, mostly because they just fucking kept coming,driven to the blue light like moths to a flame.

Inuyashamanaged to catch a few more glances at the girl with the blue eyes.There was nothing special about her. Dark long hair, and sure, ratherpretty, but nothing incredible.There was just somethingabouther though. Maybe he was just like the other demons, feelingfascinated by her, but even that didn’t seem quite right.

Oncethey had managed to scare the demons away, Sango ran towards thegirls, only to be harshly pushed back a couple of feet when shetouched the barrier.

“Don’tlower it, Kagome!” a girl begged.

“Yeah—They look like they’re just the same!”

Inuyashawinced at that, just a little. It was obvious they were looking athim, at his golden eyes, his white hair, his ears, and probably alsohis claws, which were now dripping with blood.

Hemet the girl’s eyes, again. He noted the absence of disgust or offear there, like she thought he couldn’t possibly be a danger, andthen the curiosity.

Herarms fell to her side, and the barrier disappeared.

Inonly seconds, Sango was next to them, helping them onto Kirara’sback despite the protests.

“Inuyasha,you need to take two of them. Kirara can’t lift them all.”

Henodded. Who did she think he was? He knew how they did it.

Easily,without a word, he lifted the girl with the blue eyes with only onearm, then grabbed one of her friend — short black hair cut in abob, looking terrified. At least, neither of them tried to push himaway. He should have given them so explanation, actually, but he wasbad at that, and they needed to be quiet. If the girl’s powerworked like a magnet for demons, they didn’t want to get any moreattention on themselves.

Whichwas why the ride home was quiet, behind the fire of Kirara’s steps,until they finally found the village’s reassuring shapes. Kirarathen disappeared back into the woods, with a friendly mewl at Sango,and Inuyasha unceremoniously dropped the girl on the ground, only forthe blue eyed girl to grab onto him almost desperately, and herealized she was balanced on only one foot.

“Sango!”he called. “Twisted ankle here, I think!”

Shenodded. “A broken arm over there. Let’s get them inside.”

“Solet me get this straight,” Inuyasha said, anger growing in hisvoice. “You followed them tohelp them?”

Theblue-eyed-girl — whose name was apparently Kagome Higurashi —fidgeted in front of him while Miroku took care of her ankle, havingthe intelligence not to cross him at the moment.

“Well,I couldn’t just leave them alone, could I?” she mumbled, avoidinghis eyes.

Hisamazement at her power was long gone, and his interest had beensomehow dampened since they had walked in. He could hear Sango’sreprimands at the other girls, who had already been taken care of,but too bad for her, they’d have to talk to her about her powers,and he was the only one available for that now.

Whichwas the nice way of saying that Sango had decided it’d be better ifhe yelled at one person instead of three.

“That’sso fucking stupid,”he spat. “You could all have died.”

Herhead snapped up. “Well we didn’t, alright? But theywould have if I hadn’t joined, am I correct?” Her eyes fell onher hands again. “Though I have no idea how I did that…”

“Aboutthat,” Miroku started calmly, “you have…”

“Youdidn’t fucking know about that though, right?” Inuyasha growled.“You put yourself in danger for no reasons! That’s stupid asshit!”

Hereyes started shining with anger. “I getthat. But we were fine.”There was a pause. “Thanks to you.” That seemed like a verypainful thing to say just then. “It’s not like Eri tripped onpurpose, though, okay? We didn’t wantthis to happen!”

Therewas tears in her voice on that last sentence, and Inuyasha felt hisentire body tense. Shit. Tears. He couldn’t deal with tears. Hereached out clumsily.

“Nah—Don’t— Just don’t do that again, ‘kay?”

Shestared at him in disbelief. “Whywould I do that again? I told you, we didn’t meantodo that!”

“MissHigurashi,” Miroku finally managed to intervene, “were you awareof your powers?”

Sheseemed taken aback by the question, and she looked down at her handsagain, opening then closing them a few times. There was nothingparticular about them. Her skin was rather pale, and it lookedsmooth, nice to the touch — where the fuck was his mind going rightnow?

“No,”she ended up saying, slowly. “I mean, my family has a shrine, but Ialways thought these were… You know… Just stories.”

Inuyashascoffed loudly, and she glared daggers at him once more.

“It’spossible that they’d never awoken before, since you had never metdemons,” Miroku explained calmly. “But now, you will need totrain to get them under control. From what Sango told me, they’restrong enough to have an effect on humans, which can be dangerous. Doyou know anyone who could do that?”

Herlower lip started trembling, and she bit it, the movement attractingInuyasha’s attention in a way he wasn’t sure he liked.

“No,”she whispered, and she sounded so defeated it made him winceuncomfortably.

“Thenyou will have to come back here,” Miroku said, almost makingInuyasha jump. “I’m sure Kaede won’t mind helping you out.”

“Hey,wait now, Miroku—”

“I’llprobably do that,” Kagome cut him off. When he turned to look ather, incredulous, she was looking at him, furious. “I get it, youthink I’m an idiot, but I still need to do that! I can’t riskhurting people— Is that really so hard to understand?”

Thattook him off guard. He hadn’t meant it like that, though if he washonest, he didn’t really want someone from outside the village tobe around and to learn their secrets. Still, the hurt in her voicegot to him more than he would have liked to. He knew he could be kindof a dick, but he didn’t want to make people feel bad.

Didn’twant to make herfeel bad.

“Well,”he mumbled, admitting defeat unusually quickly, pushing his handsdeep in his pockets, “then if it’s all settled, I guess we canlet your boyfriend in.”

Sheblinked. “My boyfriend?”

“Akid called Hojo,” Sango said from the entrance as she leanedagainst the doorframe. “He’s been really insistant about seeingyou.”

“Oh…Hojo’s not my boyfriend.”

Doesthat mean she’s free?—Hell, damn his mind and damn his hormones and damn whatever it wasabout that girl that fascinated him so.

“Well,can he come in?” Sango asked tilting her head. “You don’t haveto see him if you’re too tired.”

Shelet out a long sigh, then smiled. “No, it will be fine. Let himin.”

Inuyashashrugged. Why should he care? It was none of his business. The secondHojo came in, crying out the girl’s name, he walked out.

Obliviousto her eyes on his back.

Theyleft the next morning. It was a bit complicated, fitting all thestudents in the already full inn, but they managed to do it. Well,Sango and Miroku managed to do it, anyway. Inuyasha went to his spotin the tree at the center of the village, where he spent most of hisnights as long as the temperatures weren’t too low.

Hewatched the group boarding the bus from afar, and couldn’t help butnotice the girl, standing aside, looking around as though she waslooking for someone. It wasn’t until Sango’s Hiraikotsu hit him,making him fall from the tree, and she ran up to him — well, limpedwith the help of her crutches — that he understood what, or ratherwho, exactly she was searching for.

“Whatd’ya want?” he growled as he stood up, particularly annoyed. Itcertainly hadn’t hurt, but Sango needed to fucking stop doing that.He knew she thought it was hilarious, but it wasn’t a reason,dammit.

Sheset her clutches against a bench, then hopped to him on one foot, andhe caught her by the waist when she lost her balance, because offucking course she would have, why had she had that stupid idea, didshe really have such low survival instincts, what even went throughher—

Then,she pushed herself on her tiptoes, and, resting a hand on his cheek,she kissed him gently on the other one.

Itwas soft and… And kind. He didn’t know quite how to explain whathe’d felt, and before he knew it, she was pulling away already.

“Thankyou, Inuyasha,” she said, his name used in a surprisingly gentleway. “For saving me.”

Forthe next moment, he was just staring at her, staring in her eyes,mouth open, unable to just— you know— words.But then, she grinned.

“You’dbetter have worked on that temper of yours by the time I come back,or we’ll have a problem.”

Andagain, the moment was gone.

“LikehellI will,” he growled, but he was pretty sure he was smirking.

Shegave him a bright, honest smile and winked at him, before grabbingher clutches again and walking away quickly, hopping in the bus,which left almost immediately.

Mirokuwalked up to him, resting his arm on Inuyasha’s shoulder while thehalf-demon watched it take her away.

“ThisKagome is a really sweet girl, isn’t she my friend?”

Inuyasharolled his eyes and ignored him. He knew Miroku wanted him to be witha girl, but was there any way for him not to be so obviousabout it.

Still,for maybe the first time in his life, he’d be waiting for one ofthose stupid white buses to come back.

Note to self: stop writing one-shots that could turn into full AUs so easily.

[the-coolest-mallard]

Stealth Operation | Team Sabotage

@urchinxowens @justkeepdancing-nemo @oliversaluki

The boys sneak into the Hunted Deer and make a mess.

URCHIN

The light had faded and night was upon Swynlake. Everyone was asleep in order to build up energy to go back to work the next day. Everyone except Urchin - because he had summer holiday - and hopefully Louie, who Urchin was actually waiting for at their rendez-vous point a block away from Main Street.

Urchin sported his best spy gear which… well, consisted of a black turtle neck sweater, balck jeans and a black beanie that worked very little because his curls were overpowering it more and more by the minute, cascading out of the headgear.

With him also came a large cardboard box with air holes punctured on top. The boy sat next to said box and checked his phone, waiting for his partner in crime to arrive!

LOUIE

Ordinarily, Louie never got rid of his signature green. However, the plan they had was going to require stealthiness. So he also had dressed in all black. Black skinny jeans, black t-shirt, black leather jacket he found around the house. And of course a beanie as well, pushing down his own fantastic hair.

Louie had only one hand free to use (the other in a cast thanks to his genius moped moment), but he utilized his hand as best he could. He brought along with him some spray paint that he’d found at home, as well as some eggs both sort of put together in a bag. He’d feel a little bad about wasting the eggs but…there were a ton of things to toss at Gaston and he was gonna use all of them.

He made his way over with a grin, glad that he managed to find friends who were up for taking matters into their own hands. “Hey Urchin. Listen, I invited Ollie along too. He had some fun ideas for sabotage and stuff which is great and you know…I’ve only got one functioning hand so. Go team.”

OLLIE

Ollie kind of knew this was a bad idea but at the same time why not mess with someone who deserved it. Besides a little egg never hurt anyone and if he was there he could probably try and keep everyone from getting into too much shit.

So he had printed out harmless things, well not that werewolves were harmless but it was a prank that was harmless and his of choice.

Plus it was good to pull his leather jacket back on, pull the dark beanie on, and get out of the house from the crying baby.

It wasn’t hard to find the two other boys. 

“What’s up?” Ollie stated softly dropping to curb beside Urchin. 

URCHIN

“Woah, what happened to you?” Urchin couldn’t help but ask, gesturing at Louie’s arm. He didn’t look like that the last time Urchin had seen him, now did he? In any case, Ollie rolled up soon enough.

“Oh, hello! So it looks like we’re ready, huh? I’m honestly glad we’re not on our own, because I didn’t manage to get any raccoons,” he admitted, patting the cardboard box. The pat made the animal within wake up, though, because it had begun moving. 

“I… got the next best thing. This is Felicia. She’s the cat who always tries to get into our kitchen,” the boy explained. “She’s ferocious. Should give our big dumb friend a headache when he tries to take her out of his business tomorrow.”

NEMO

Nemo had never snuck out of the Hollow before. 

In the end– it had been kind of easy. He just waited for his father’s light snoring, put on one of his black dance hoodies, flipped up the hood, and then, quick and quiet as the wind itself, flit from outside his bedroom window.

He had to stop first at the Raccoon Hole to see if he could round up reinforcements. Course, he was no animal fairy and his Beast was seriously lacking, but as soon as he flashed the gold of his pixie dust, they were in. Raccoons loved all things shiny– kinda like magpies in that way. With his new comrades in tow, Nemo flitted fast as he could and tried not to think about how he had used up more than half his dust by the time he finally got to town. 

He walked the rest of the way, hood up, skirting from shadow to shadow until he saw what he thought were the three boys he had never met before. His steps slowed, hands going into his pockets, heart rapid-fire, though from his flying or nerves he didn’t know. He swallowed and put on a big grin, sauntering forward. 

“Um– hey! Are you erm, Louie, and Ollie and…?” he blinked. He didn’t know the other bloke. “Um. I brought Blueberry and Denise!” He blurted and pointed at his raccoon mates. 

They chattered and lifted their paws in a friendly wave.

LOUIE

What had started as an awful day had quickly turned into something incredible. He had gathered three other boys to do something important: sabotage the old geezer Gaston. It was the perfect union, with every one pitching in the best of plans (and one fantastic fairy delivering the raccoons of destiny). He almost forgot about the wrist, though he held it up with a sheepish grin. “Crashed my moped. It happens. Won’t get in the way of awesome though.”

And this was truly awesome. Ollie was there, Urchin brought a CAT! And then finally, the other hero of the night Nemo there with the raccoons! Who needed brothers for mischief when you could make friends like these? “Mwahaha,” Louie cackled quietly, rubbing his hands together because this was better than he could have imagined. “Team Sabotage…we’ve come together this dark night to take down an old man’s ego.” He glanced over at the cat and the raccoons. “I welcome Felicia, Blueberry and Denise to our super good cause.” 

He turned toward his fellow conspirators, the smile only growing on his face. “Urchin, Ollie, Nemo…you guys are the best of the best of the best with the coolest ideas. And I’m excited to pull off this mission with you. But first…we should probably have a sort of escape plan. My moped’s trashed so we can’t take that quick exit.”

OLLIE

Ollie really wasn’t quite sure what he was getting himself into at this rate. There was a cat and two raccoons? They couldn’t be too much damage? Or too dangerous. Either way Ollie was going to make sure they didn’t get into shit. Or try to.

He just lifted a hand in a greeting.

“I can double back and get my car? It’s kind of noticeable for the small town so I don’t know how much of a good idea that is for stealth.” Ollie mused with a shrug. “We gotta worry about cameras too and what not. I’ve never been so I don’t know what’s there but he’d be even more stupid not to have some sort of security.” Leaning forward Ollie rested on his knees trying to think of all the necessary things.

URCHIN

“Urchin,” the boy quickly said when the stranger asked for his name. Eventually, he managed to associate each person with their names, and smiled at the small collective of revenge-getters.

“Uh, we should probably try to stay out of very visible areas as much as possible, then,” the curly-haired boy pointed out after Ollie’s statement. “We can also ask the raccoons or the cat to disconnect anything we can find, if that’s even possible… and if anyone can talk to them.”

He stood up from his sitting place and grinned. “In any case, he’s getting what he deserves! So destiny will probably thank us for it or whatever. We will probably not even get grounded because of how much everyone probably dislikes this guy.”

NEMO

Nemo’s eyes flicked imperceptibly to his pocket. Tucked inside was his pixie dust pouch-- and in another world, Nemo would pull it out, grin bright, and show them all how to use it. Why need a moped when you could fly anyway, right? 

But if he ran out of pixie dust, he’d never get home, and his dad would wake up and see he was gone, and he’d totally flip and Nemo would be grounded (literally) for the next forever. 

He felt guilty, but he kept his hands in his pockets, fingers around that pouch, all to himself. 

“Erm, I can’t-- explain electronics to them,” he said, rolling from the balls of his feet to his toes and back again. “My beast’s not that good and they’d definitely not listen. But um, I can fly in before hand and maybe turn ‘em off?” 

LOUIE

“You can fly?!” Louie blurted first, instantly putting Nemo up there on the list of coolest people he’d ever met. That was awesome! He’d met this other guy who could fly once (Peter) but they hadn’t really spoken much since the incident at the ice cream shop. Nemo though, Nemo seemed like a super cool dude. So did Urchin and Ollie really. Immediately in for the world’s best sabotage team.

“Good idea on the security front too...hmm. If the car’s not the best option and the raccoons can’t tell...yeah okay. Here’s the plan,” Louie started, and honestly he wasn’t one hundred percent sure they’d just listen to him on this but what the hell. Act confident and like you’re the best option and eventually others will believe you.

“Nemo will fly in and turn off the security. From there he’ll call in the racoon pals to trash the place and the cat too. Phase two’ll be us swinging in there to egg the place and spray painting it. The werewolf pics will have to be more carefully put so they’re phase three. Ollie, you seem pretty like...responsible and shit, are you up for keeping watch? Make sure that the cost is clear?” 

OLLIE

Well if Ollie had to have a title of being responsible, you know what he was okay with that. The more he thought about it the more he worried about it he was. This wasn’t New York where you could get away with shit because no one paid attention to you. This was Swynlake where anything that could go wrong would go wrong.

Call him boring. He was not getting tossed into jail for this though even if he could bail himself out. 

“Honestly yeah I’m good with just keeping watch.” Ollie stated simply. “You guys can do all the trouble and we can make a simple signal that someone is on their way. Three knocks in quick sucession or something like that. So you know don’t be too loud in there.”

URCHIN

Urchin was disappointed they couldn’t tell the animals to do everything for them, mostly because it’d have been so cool, but the plan seemed solid either way. He listened intently to Louie’s words and tried to picture it in his mind - it’d probably involve a fun montage of crudely-drawn caricatures of the boys doing all the things if it were a TV show.

“Great! I think we’re all set, then,” he announced, picking up the box Felicia the cat was in, which shook almost uncontrollably as it was picked up. “Evidently, Felicia’s ready to move, too.”

NEMO 

Right-- that meant he actually had to fly. 

Instantly, Nemo got self-conscious, his hands fisting deep in his hoodie pockets. So dumb-- it wasn’t like they were gonna see his wing or anything. It just kinda felt like...well, his pixie life was in the forest and his human life was here in Swynlake. He’d never been in his pixie form here.

But Louie beamed at him. Nemo wanted to help. He didn’t have any other choice. 

“Er, okay. Yeah-- okay then, I’ll um-- do that!” said Nemo. His eyes flicked back to Louie and his smile dropped as fast as it jumped onto his face in the first time. “Uh, now right? I should do that now?” 

LOUIE

“Hmmm….the knock’ll work once we’re all in there, but I think Nemo you’ve gotta give us a bit more of a cue.” They’d be close by, but not too close, obviously. They couldn’t exactly be spotted by the cameras or anything. What would work better for that? “How about...Nemo you can do like an owl call or something. Hoot or something once you’ve got the cameras out of the way.”

He glanced around the group of misfits, a smile slowly lighting up his entire face. This was the kind of thing he lived for. Bringing together some cool kids to cause trouble for a man who absolutely deserved everything they threw his way. This was going to be the best. “Yeah okay. Nemo first uh huh. But maybe demo your call or whatever so we know what we’re listening for. But then yeah. Fly like an eagle or something.”

OLLIE

Ollie nodded, more than fine taking a step back. He wasn’t ever the leader type. It just wasn’t in his bones. So he listened to the plan. What an interesting group he had found himself in. Pushing himself into a standing position Ollie stepped back from the box with a potentially unruly cat. 

“Are we gonna make code names at his rate?” Ollie joked. “Eagle one, Eagle Two. If I had to pick a dude and what not.”

URCHIN

Urchin frankly loved the idea of getting code names, but he wondered if he’d start confusing them. “Okay, okay,” he said. “But I want memorable code names. Otherwise, I’m gonna confuse everyone, honestly.”

He looked around and at the rest. They all seemed ready and eager to start. The box shaking in his hands seemed to imitate his own anxiousness to get started. “Not to hurry us up or anything, but if this cat manages to escape the box there’s no way we’re getting her back in. So, let’s make sure she does it once she’s inside, and pronto.”

NEMO

The idea of code names distracted Nemo from his erratic, buggy jitters firing off in his belly. He brightened up-- especially at Eagle one, Eagle two.

His hand shot up into the air. “Dibs on Eagle One!” he preened. He grinned wide, shooting the grin from one boy to the next. 

He’d always wanted to be like an eagle-- strong, intense, fierce. Fast. 

He then cleared his throat. “Erm, okay how about somethin’ like--” and he whistled sharp and loud, the sort of call he had mimicked before from the animal fairies. 

It made Blueberry and Denise startle, then perk up on their hindlegs and wiggle their noses in the air. 

LOUIE

“Alright great. Nemo’s Eagle One. That’s good. Hmm… Ollie can be Hawkeye or something you know, cause he’s keeping watch.” Louie probably wasn’t any better at this code name thing, but he could sure try. “Urchin you’ll be 007. You’ve got the whole look down. Leaving me with…” he hummed, debating for a long minute. “Rebel Leader.”

He jumped a little at the whistle, knocking into Urchin a bit and patting his shoulder as his form of sort of apology. “Okayyyy. Yeah. Good. That’s good. Eagle One...you’re clear for take off,” he added, grinning like an idiot and giving them all the thumbs up. This would be amazing. Team Sabotage was ready to go. “The rest of us, we gotta chill, till we hear Nemo. Alright?”

OLLIE

Ollie couldn’t help the snort of laughter as all the code names. He had been teasing but he was glad they took him seriously. It made him feel more like they were part of a group than he had in a long time. Sure he couldn’t be sure everyone had each others backs but it felt like they did.

Blinking at the animal call Ollie nodded. “Hard to miss but it should blend in.” Ollie mused with a nod. “Have any of you guys pulled off anything like this before?” Ollie questioned already starting to glance around and make sure he took his task seriously during the whole time.

URCHIN

Urchin grinned at his code name. It was probably the best one out of all of them, so he certainly didn’t complain. He did jump a bit when Louie knocked into him, but was quick to regain his balance and smile as a silent way to tell him not to worry.

“And chill we shall,” the boy declared. He put down the box for a few seconds and made sure his cap was on correctly, and then shrugged at Ollie. “I mean… You know what they say, there’s a first time for everything, right?” he said, grinning.

NEMO 

First time for everything. 

Wasn’t that the truth? 

And Nemo-- Nemo was excited, especially as he glanced around at these other boys’ grins. It gave him the jolt of confidence he needed. He dug his hand back into his pocket and this time he pulled out the pixie dust pouch. “Okay! Okay okay, I’m um, I’m goin’!” he said as he skipped back, gathering a little bit of air on his heel that helped him glide. “Oi, Denise, Blueberry, follow me!” He took out a pinch of pixie dust, tossed it in the air, and leaped into the golden cloud-- 

In an instant, he was a small blur of orange and gold, zooming sharp as a rocket toward the Deer. The raccoons chattered and followed after him, their black and gray hides disappearing into the shadow. 

It didn’t take long for Nemo to fly all the way up to the Deer’s thatched roof. He skittered around the panels then found the chimney and dived down into it.  The raccoons, meanwhile, took the long way round and clambered up the gutters. Their claws scratched against the pipe work and the roof tiles. 

Nemo emerged into a dark, dim, silent pub. It was actually a bit creepy how quiet it was-- Nemo used to humming cicada and whistling crickets and the wind, always there, murmuring into his ear. There was no wind here. The air was still, so still it felt-- dead. Dusty. Nemo didn’t like it and he scrunched up his nose before zooming on. 

He found the cameras and scrambled on top of one, where he had to stop and rest. His little wind fluttered weakly and his lungs burned from all the effort of it. Breathing heavily, he drew his hands through his hair once before resecuring the hood over his orange hair. And then, squinting through the dark, he yanked hard on the tiny switch below the flashing red button. It didn’t budge. Nemo grimaced. This was the downside of being so small sometimes. He yanked again and again and the plastic rubbed against this tiny hands. And then one more time--

Nemo yelped as the switch gave way and he nearly toppled off the camera. His wings fluttered frantically and righted him again. 

This was way harder than it looked. 

It took him another five minutes to get the other three cameras all turned off, and then Nemo landed in a tired heap on the ground where he pinched out some pixie dust to help him return to his human-form. Nemo put his hands around made his call then and skipped over to the door to open it up for the boys when they arrived. 

He poked his head out. “Coast all clear!” he announced. Something smashed behind him and Nemo giggled. “I think that was Denise.”

LOUIE 

The mission was going off without a hitch. Nemo went for it, and the rest of the boys had a little while before they could be called in. “You know, I pull stuff like this with my brothers...but they’re usually too them to want to go for something really interesting.” Well, Huey more than Dewey, but it took some nudging to get them to want to cause some serious trouble.

But soon he heard the call, and he gestured for Ollie and Urchin to follow him as he rushed over to the entrance of the Hunted Deer. “Nice one Nemo. Your heroics will be remembered forever.” He carefully stepped into the building, holding onto a can of spray paint. It was time to mess up this newly prettied up place. Yesss. “Okay. Ollie, stick by the door yeah?” This teamwork was seriously going to rule. He’d never have a shot at something this good without them.

Louie moved toward the nearest wall, shaking the spray paint he had and considered it carefully. This would be his artistic masterpiece. “I know we should probably be beyond the immature dick art, but Gaston is one...so is it really so bad?” He considered the wall carefully. “Guys? Ideas on what we should put on the walls? It’s gotta be good.” He started ‘Gaston is a dick’ on one part, figuring it was both true and fun to write. The rest...well. He could probably paint something fun.

OLLIE

That wasnt that reassuring. People having only done this for the first time could be dangerous. Sure ollie hadnt spray painted or edges someone's place but he liked to think his own excursions in New York would count for it. 

He didn't technically have a criminal record at least. (Not that he hadn't ever been caught but because people took pity on him as a kid)

But that's almost why he was starting to feel responsible for the group of boys. He didn't want any of them to get in trouble for this. At least trouble they couldn't get themselves out of. 

Crossing over to the door Ollie nodded his head giving Nemo a heads up. "Okay you guys do your thing. I'll let you know if someone is coming. Stay as quiet as you can with you know Denise and everyone breaking things so you can hear if I have to give you guys a signal." 

URCHIN

Loud meowing followed Ollie’s instructions, totally being louder than intended, as Felicia finally found her freedom when Urchin unsecured the box and let her out. Immediately, the cat started running and hopping around the place, uncertain of her location, and had already knocked down a pair of bottles from behind the bar. That’s what Urchin would call a resounding success!

“Uh - Draw him!” Urchin suggested. “Except make his nose a dick,” he added, because hey, dick drawings were in like 50% of graffiti, right? It felt like a crime not to do it.

NEMO 

Nemo started giggling.

He’d never done anything like this before. It was like somethin’ outta a TV show, y’know, something he might watch at Roo’s house during one of his rare sleepovers. He didn’t realize this sort of thing happened in real life. That kids really did go out and-- and teepee places, and mess up houses, and use spray paint and markers and all sorts of things. 

He felt a little guilty, but it was a feeling as fast as a blink. Mostly he thought about how pissed his dad would be if he knew. Not only was Nemo breaking a whole handful of Marlin’s rules, but he was doing that in Gaston’s pub. 

He made a grab for a can of spray paint. “I’ll draw dicks on all the booths!” he announced and then scurried off to do so. 

Meanwhile, there was more glass-smashing as Denise and Blueberry had their way with the storage room. 

LOUIE

Never was there a better group of boys than now. He was sure of it. “Dicks on the booths yesssssss. Great idea Nemo!” Louie was delighted by the whole thing. And Urchin coming out with a dope drawing idea. Oh yeah. Louie would make Gaston as ugly as possible.

He smirked, taking one of the spray paint cans (a wonderful green) and studied the wall before him. “Good call good call. Alright, while I do my masterful art of Gaston….Urchin, put up those werewolf pics. Scare the pants off of him when he goes anywhere!” 

He started spraying a sort of rendition of Gaston. If Gaston were more of a blob person with a dick nose. What? He was still working on improving his art. Maybe he’d bother Lou Bonfamille for more lessons. For now? Well he added some extras like a fart cloud by his ass and a speech bubble by his mouth saying ‘no one farts like Gaston’

Then he took a step back to admire his work. “What do you guys think? Pretty good right?”

URCHIN

Urchin nodded and saluted before heading off to do as ordered. He gathered the expertly-crafted werewolves and began making rounds about the place to find locations for optimal scare factor. 

He decided to place the first one under the bar, hiding so that you’d only be able to see it if you were on the bartender’s side of it. The next one hung right by the bathroom doors, so you’d round that corner and piss your pants off on your way into the bathroom. That, of course, meant that he had to also set one up within the bathroom in place.

After setting up the rest in the general vicinity of the bar, the boy returned just in time to admire the drawing on the walls. “Perfect,” he commended. “I’m sure he’s going to love it.”

NEMO 

Nemo got to work on the drawings, giving the spray cans a good shake. It took him a few seconds to get a handle on the paint-stream, but once he’d got it down, the dicks were pretty easy. He went booth to booth and spray painted them big across the seat, though he made sure to switch it up a few times, y’know, vary the size and direction and all-- artistic license. He knew it was all a bit silly but, well, he couldn’t get Louie’s compliment outta his head. 

He thought Nemo was cool. And brilliant. And that he had great ideas. 

And sooo… Nemo wanted to show off. 

He jogged back over to Louie and tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, Louie, I ah-- I got an idea. Wanna see somethin’ cool?” he said. 

And then Nemo drew his hands together, palms flat. And then, in one quick motion, he folded his fingers in one after another after another, then back again, until he had gathered a swirling ball of wind in his hands. 

And then Nemo shoved the heel of his hand across the palm of his other one, pushing the blast of wind out--! 

It blew out the napkins outta the napkin dispensers on several of the tables. “Nice, right!” He said, jumping up and down again. “I can do a windmill and probably knock everything over!” 

LOUIE

Louie was easily distracted from drawing something else spectacular (maybe Gaston cowering before a werewolf or something) by his new friend Nemo. He twisted around, watching the guy carefully as he gathered wind into his hands and knocked napkins out of this dispensers.

“Holy shit, you’re the avatar!” Louie blurted and then grinned. “Sorry. It just looks like something out of a cartoon.” He glanced around to see that Ollie was still properly keeping a look out, and that Urchin was placing the werewolf stuff. And wow he picked great spots.

“Nice move by the bathroom mate. Hilarious.” This was the best bunch of guys he’d ever met. They’d be bound together by a common bound of mischief with this. Maybe he’d get them to make some sort of pact. Or something. “Okay. I’m gonna draw one more thing. Nemo...definitely knock shit over. That’s fantastic. Everyone do one last ridiculous thing and then we’ll get the fuck outta here. Ollie...you do something ridiculous too. Come on. It’ll be worth it.”

OLLIE

Ollie was perfectly fine chilling by the door. It wasn't like there was anything to scare him out here. The only thing that worried him was that some random adult would see them wasn't he an adult too. Was he supposed to be turning people in for their hijinks. 

"You guys look to be doing perfectly fine." Ollie mused with a small laugh stepping back for a moment. "Plus I'm more musically inclined then I am artistically." Even with Gaston being a douche ollie doubted himself. Not that either one of his parents would care if he had to guess what they would think. 

"Wait this place has a kitchen right? What about saran wrapping most of the stools together or something?" 

URCHIN

Urchin was happy to be complimented for his ideas. Everyone else was doing pretty great too, which made him even more satisfied! After Ollie’s suggestion, though, the boy’s eyes seemed to outright gleam in delight.

“Ooooh, yes! He’d probably use that wrap to attack some deers and hang them on his wall or something evil like that anyway,” Urchin said, and immediately bolted into the kitchen. He took a while but trashed the place while he looked around, and Felicia even helped unintentionally by walking in and finding some leftovers on a counter.

Eventually, Urchin found a roll of something that people would likely use to wrap up take-out. “Here we go!” he proclaimed, tossing the few rolls he’d found out onto the main sitting area of the bar for the others to pick up.

NEMO

While they waited for Urchin to appear, Nemo did his fairy best too. He could feel the slight draft from the chimney where he’d flown down as well as the slightly open door where Ollie was standing guard. It was always much easier to play with already-moving air and so he splayed his fingers wide and gathered it in his hands. Once he’d rolled it all into a ball, he pushed it toward the booths and the mini wind-funnel skirted over the tables, skittering one after the other. Napkins blew from the dispensers and the salt and pepper turned over and got all over the table and seats. 

Then Urchin came back and Nemo’s smile leaped back onto his face. He jumped up and caught it. “Nice!” he crowed and then went to work saran-wrapping everything together.

He forgot all about the guilt he’d felt earlier-- the slight panic, that stray thought whispering what would happen if he got caught? Now, all he was thinkin’ about was how fun this was. 

Soon they finished, all the saran wrapped up. “Are we done?” Nemo said as he popped up, going back to Louie’s side since he seemed-- well. He was in charge, wasn’t he? He bounced a little on his toes, ready to perform a few more wind-tricks if he needed to. 

LOUIE

Louie glanced around the room, looking at all the chaos around them. They had done a spectacular job on sabotaging the place. He was honestly impressed by everyone’s initiative. He needed to keep a note of this. From this day forward, if there ever was a guy that wronged one of them, Louie felt they had the perfect solution.

“I’d say so. We’ve definitely made a mess of the place. Suck it Gaston,” Louie added, as if the man was around to hear it. Well...maybe he’d just write it. No. They’d done a good job without that. “Time to make a hasty exit. Ollie, look and see if the coast’s clear? From there we get the hell outta here. We’ve done important work lads. I’ll never forget it.”

OLLIE

Ollie let out a laugh, so many of his ideas had been thrown to the literally as everyone took it and ran with it. A part of him felt bad until he remembered it was Gaston and he didn’t feel bad anymore. Ducking his head out Ollie listened to everything around the place.

“We’re good to go. Remember what happens at the Deer stays at the Deer.” Ollie teased ushering the guys out. “Let’s get out of here.”

[crystalelemental]

FE Fates Replay - Part 5

I was having such a good time.  And then...

Chapter 9 starts out with Corrin returning successful from her mission to suppress the Ice Tribe’s rebellion.  Even Garon is impressed, and makes some hesitant comments about being proud of her.  Honestly, this is the Garon I want.  The one that’s slightly unhinged, but generally does care about the well-being of his children.  You know.  The one with any level of complexity at all.  For a moment all is well, until Iago decides to be the way that he is and announces that Corrin didn’t do it alone as commanded.  Xander’s response here is kinda funny.  “That’s really shitty, Iago, even for your slimy ass.”  Or something to that effect.  Anyway, Garon’s slightly miffed, but let’s it go because damn, she did a real good job on suppressing the rebellion without taking lives.  Again, the Garon with some level of complexity.  Instead of just murder man, he commends her specifically for not taking life in the suppression, which would be cool if that mentality of “not taking life in the conflict is a good thing.”  Shame about the way this game handles villains.

You’re immediately given another assignment: go to...uh...shit.  I can’t remember how to spell the place.  Basically, he wants you to go capture a territory.  Chapter 9 involves going through a fortress that’s the remains of a dragon, which is held by the Hoshidans.  This is a fairly fun chapter.  Not too difficult.  Mostly Effie and Silas carry the day.  You also recruit Azura and Nyx, making this the best recruitment chapter so far!  I really like both of them.  It’s a shame that Nyx is at level 9 when you get her.  Her stats are, uh...pretty terrible.  Okay, really terrible.  Skill, Luck, and Defense are all abysmal, with Magic and Speed being her only worthwhile stats.  They wouldn’t be as bad if she showed up a few levels lower, but at level 9, a lot of her stat spread is unsalvageable without stat boosting items.  Which means if you’re gonna use her, you have to invest.  And I absolutely intend to use her.

The map is your standard Seize map, after clearing everyone out, so not much to report on in terms of combat.  After the fight, Azura explains that she’s stuck here because the Hoshidans, wary after Corrin’s decision, turned on her too and had her locked up here.  So I guess that proves I made the right call.  So much for family, am I right?  Fuck Hoshido.  Azura instantly joins up with you, since she’s got nowhere else to go.  As for Nyx, just to give a bit of info on her, she’s apparently a really old magic user who, for reasons unknown, is in the body of a child.  Honestly, if it weren’t for her outfit, she’d be perfect.  She’s sassy and fun, and admittedly I like her hair.

Chapter 10 has the group arrive in some port town looking for passage to this territory they’re to take.  At first, it’s assumed this port will be safe, but unfortunately for them, it’s now crawling with Hoshidans.  Fortunately for me, Takumi is leading the charge, meaning it’s finally time to kick his ass.  He goes on about Corrin being a traitor and all that, but what’s interesting is he mentions that some Hoshidans took Azura away, and that Ryoma was worried about her.  He wasn’t, obviously, but what’s neat to me is that the eneimes from last chapter were apparently in active defiance of Ryoma, who is essentially their king now that the old queen is dead.  At the very least, the Hoshidans are very disorganized.  So that’s funny.  Good job, idiots.

Honestly?  This is my favorite chapter so far.  I mentioned last time, I think, but while the developers of this game were insistent that Awakening’s weak point was its story (don’t ask how one can be so out of touch, I don’t know either), its actual weak point is mostly its maps.  It’s been a while since I’ve fully played Awakening, but I remember about 90% of it being “route the enemy,” with very little else aside from standard Seize and Defeat the Boss.  There aren’t too many weird conditions or gimmicks.  Fates, at least on the Conquest route, has given some more interesting stuff.  This one in particular is really fun.  You’re defending the territory, so you have four squares at the far north of the map, where your units start, that the enemy can’t reach.  If they do, you lose.  To help out, you get a bunch of ranged weapons near your position to help weaken, but not KO, foes.  There are also a lot of homes around the area that you can access to get some items.  Naturally, as with any defending map, there are tons of reinforcements.  What really makes the map interesting to me is that, so far, we’ve been using a lot of Dragon Veins.  Allegedly.  I don’t use them that often.  They’re not always as helpful as they think.  But in this map, Takumi activates one, and dries up all the water, allowing the enemies to traverse around the paths you’ve been defending.  It’s incredibly frustrating, but a neat surprise that the map pulls to make your attempts at defense even harder.  I know for me, I had spread out my units by this point.  We’d managed to put a dent in their forces and were alerting the houses and trying to push south.  But as soon as that happened, a bunch of reinforcements came in.  The only one who could continue to move forward was Dragon Corrin.  Everyone else had to start back-tracking to defend.

Chapter 10 also introduces three new units to our party.  In order of least to greatest importance, we first have Beruka, one of Camilla’s retainers.  She’s quiet and doesn’t talk much, but honestly was pretty funny in her debut.  Selena, or Severa for those of us who played Awakening, is the same as she ever was, so you kind of expect her to tease Corrin about being heartless for not remembering them, but Beruka joining in was pretty good.  Speaking of, Selena’s the other character who joins, and just like as Severa, she’s a lot of fun.  She’s a bit more mellow here, if only slightly.  A little more in tune with herself, perhaps?  Then we have Camilla.  She arrives, and is surprisingly intense about murdering dudes.  Almost a bit Faye-like, only instead of the love of Alm, it’s for the love of her sister.  It’s a bit disconcerting, frankly.  I go back and forth on really liking Camilla and really disliking her.  They just go a bit too heavy on some of her more intense traits, you know?

The map is pretty tough, but Corrin and Azura wound up kicking Takumi’s ass no sweat.  In fact, I first had Corrin do it, and then with save states thanks to Casual, went back and had Azura finish him instead.  Both of their dialogue reveals about what you’d expect.  Takumi’s just a butthurt baby.  After you win, he whines about Corrin’s betrayal again, and then gets a migraine or something and fucks off.  This is one of those “Camilla is great” moments, because as Takumi is throwing insults as Corrin, Camilla just goes “What a rude boy.  Perhaps I should beat some manners into him...”  Corrin stops her and says no violence, but we really should’ve allowed it.  Takumi mentions the Rainbow Sage, which is apparently our objective that I don’t think anyone has mentioned until now.  He says Ryoma got the blessing so it’s all over for you fuckers now.  Camilla lets us know that it’s fine, Xander also got the blessing ages ago, so the Hoshidans are really just one step behind.  Though depending on time frame of Xander getting this blessing, this would mean that Ryoma could potentially be considered stronger, based on them being “even” in Chapter 6.  Though in fairness, my run involved Xander immediately getting a crit and taking Ryoma out in one shot.  So that was fucking hilarious.

Chapter 11, we finally arrive in this territory.  We meet a nice lady who tells us about the dangers of the mountain the sage lives on, and that he’s been taken captive by the Hoshidans.  Corrin naturally hurries to his rescue, and the fight is on!  This time, it’s against Hinoka.  The map itself is alright?  It kinda forces you to take two separate paths and gets a little cluttered, but not too bad.  Azama is, without question the worst part of this map.  Staves don’t count as a weapon, so his special ability means you continuously take counter damage equal to what you deal to him, and he has some bullshit Hexlock Staff that cuts the HP of anyone hit by it to half for the remainder of the map.  It’s such garbage.  Thankfully, Jakob is very fast, so haha, idiot.  I did get special dialogue with Hinoka, though.  Camilla is just...so incredibly petty here.  “She’s my sister now, you lose, bitch.”  The amount of pettiness on display is unreal.  Corrin, by comparison, actually has a pretty touching conversation.  Hinoka seems to understand Corrin’s resolve, and doesn’t really pressure her the way the others did.  She’s not happy with Corrin’s decision at all, but ultimately accepts Corrin’s decision and lives with it.  This automatically makes Hinoka the best Hoshidan sibling in my book.  I don’t regret siding against the others, but I do regret siding against her.

After the battle, Hinoka recognizes they need to retreat, and makes a comment about gathering their dead later.  She is then informed that there are no dead, only wounded.  Corrin gave the command to not kill anyone in this fight, and announces that she wants to end the war peacefully, without bloodshed if possible.  Hinoka is taken aback, but flees quickly after.  Kaze, however, remains behind to speak with Corrin.  He’s impressed by her devotion to peace, and pledges loyalty to her.  Another new ally!  And a ninja at that!

We meet the Rainbow Sage, who activates something with Yato.  He tells us to seek out the Nohrians who will activate the blade’s true power and awaken it as Grim Yato, the ultimate blade of darkness or whatever!  Given that we already have two Nohrian siblings, I wonder who the two we need could be.  Honestly, I’ve been holding on to this complaint, but now’s a good time: it’s bullshit that the female siblings don’t get unique weapons.  Xander and Leo get unique, powerful weapons, as do Ryoma and Takumi.  But the sisters?  They have to make do with generic weapons.  That’s such utter horseshit, and frankly, kinda sexist.

Immediately after this, Iago shows up and again, decides to be the way he is.  Garon gave a command to kill the sage.  Corrin outright refuses, stating the obvious: Ryoma already got the power, we’re not preventing anyone important from getting it because everyone already has said blessing, you’re doing this for nothing.  The Rainbow Sage thanks Corrin for wanting to spare his life, but proclaims it was time for him to die anyway and just dies out on the spot.  So I guess Mission Successful?  Weird.

I was gonna cut here, as the natural end to a particular thread of the game, but I’m kinda having fun, so let’s keep going.  Chapter 12!  Elise takes ill from a weird virus thing in that territory, and we need to find help!  Garon gives another command, specifically, to go to this one place for rest and relaxation.  Oddly kind.  It also turns out this place is the medical hub of the world, so suspiciously fortuitous.  They group hurries there and fucking surprise, there are Hoshidans everywhere.  Led by Ryoma.  Amazing.  Corrin begs him to let her pass, telling him about Elise’s condition.  He offers the trade: Corrin comes with him, and they’ll let her pass without a fight.  Corrin, of course, refuses.  As she should.  Listen, I get that it’s war, but by now they know what Corrin’s about.  She’s aimed to prevent the death of their soldiers in every battle.  They know she’s shown mercy where protecting life is concerned.  So what does Ryoma do?  Insist on fighting, potentially allowing Elise to die.  Bastard.

Thankfully we get reinforcements in the nick of time, in the form of-oh fuck me.  Laslow, listen.  You’re cool.  I’m glad you’re here.  I liked Inigo too.  But Peri.  Motherfucking Peri.  She is the worst character in the entire series for me.  There’s no question.  Not even a close second.  Even Tharja doesn’t come close, because some of Tharja’s supports were at least endearing in some way.  Peri is just a little sociopath who can’t shut the fuck up about murder.  Xander, where the fuck did you find her, and why is she not in jail?  I honestly feel it’s hypocritical to complain about Hans when you hired Peri on purpose, you asshat.  Honestly, for your belief in doing right by people and wanting to protect others, I cannot believe you thought putting Peri in charge of anything was a good call.  This is actively a blemish on your record.

Fuck, I can’t do this now.  I can’t deal with Peri.  We were having such a good day, then this little freak-ass gremlin shows up and prattles on about stabface of whatever the fuck, and now I’m just angry.  I’ll deal with her later.

[aurimeanswind]

Your E3 Predictions!—Sunday Chats—6/3/18

I’m very excited about this week’s Sunday Chats because it’s all about E3 predictions! This time next week, we’ll BE INSIDE E3! I’ll have seen Microsoft/EA/and Bethesda’s pressers come the next Sunday Chats, and I’ll be writing about them, probably! I may or may not do a Sunday Chats, but we’ll see!

To catch folks up, this week has been a full-force build up to E3 for me. A new Episode of Get Acquainted posted, with my friend Brandon Gann, who is just an incredibly wonderful and amazing loquacious individual, and we spend two plus hours talking E3! We had a ton of predictions and great conversations around all of them! You should give it a listen!

http://irrationalpassions.com/brandon-gann-e3-predictions-get-acquainted/

On this week’s Irrational Passions Podcast we had my other good friend Logan Moore on to make some E3 BETS! Nabeshin was kind enough to put together 25 amazing bets for us and a ton of lightening round bets on top of that, and it was super fun. You can watch the video version of that WITH bonus content right now, and the fully edited version will post on Tuesday.

So it’s all about E3, but before we get to that, a little personal update.

Personal Update for June

So any one close to me will no that the last week of my life has been exceptionally difficult. Some folks close to me, both physically and emotionally have been making decisions that have been pretty toxic, I can’t lie. It’s led to a pretty unhealthy living situation that I’d rather not get into, and whether things blow over, get worse, I’m not sure. I obviously don’t want to spill any personal juice here, but anyone who has seen me out here tweeting like the dramatic boi I am on the inside about how I need some good vibes, that’s a general overview of the situation, if you were concerned.

I’m thankful for all my close friends out there texting me, checking on me, and making sure I am doing okay, even if I’m not. It is upsetting that this just so happens to coincide with the busiest time of the year in video games, so if this bleeds over into our content over on Irrational Passions I apologize. Sometimes its a bit unavoidable.

Anyway, I appreciate you all taking the time to interact and be a part of my silly Selfie Saturdays or Sunday Chats, it means the world. I’ve been working hard with the team @ Irrational Passions to make some really fun stuff, including a new show that acts as a spiritual successor to our roundtables from 2017 Game of the Year talks.

That’s all we need to dwell on in regards to the bummer business, let’s get to games!

What’s on Tap

Moonlighter

So I just started this tonight and I have to say: right away I just love it.

The idea is you live in a small town that neighbors these ancient ruins that lead to these very dangerous dungeons, and once upon a time travelers and adventurers used to come here to explore those dungeons, and merchants would sell supplies and goodies to gear them up for those journeys. Eventually it grew too dangerous, but you are someone who Moonlights as an adventurer and runs a shop on the front end.

You dive into these dungeons and get awesome treasure and loot and goodies to then sell in your shop to expand your shop, get better weapons and armor, and continue deeper into the dungeons. It’s an amazing idea, and it’s executed on so well.

The game sustains such a great and rewarding loop, and it’s also got tons of charm and amazingly well executed on pixel art.

On top of that the UI is also just very good? It’s super slick and smooth. 

I’m only a couple hours in but I just adore it. Mike Burgess, producer at IP, did a video review on it that I saw the first cut of today and it’s actually what sold me on it. See it soon!

Detroit Become Human

I’ve already said so much about this game I’m exhausted. I love this game.

It has so many issues and in spite of all that, I genuinely adored my time with Detroit.

Our roundtable discussion was about this very game, so look for it soon.

Dark Souls Remastered

This game is still so good. I think I may like it even more than Dark Souls 3, a game I picked up just very briefly a few weeks ago.

I’ve now got the power to fast travel and am just warping around and exploring again. I even dipped my toe into the DLC area which I have never seen before. 

It’s excellent, and seeing it run smooth has been super rewarding for me, a longtime fan of the title.

Your E3 Predictions

Let’s get to it! This week, something I haven’t done in a bit, I asked you for your boldest E3 predictions, and while some of you gave me a good joke, a lot of you came back at me with some great predictions!

Let’s get into it!

Remember to look for my tweet on Sunday afternoons/evenings with #SundayChats in it and respond to it with your reply to be a part of Sunday Chats!

Now listen, I know this was clearly written as a joke Sam, but I think that this announcement is coming, just not here. It’s a PSX announcement, if ANY, because that’s the only place it can be really gernally accepted as an “announcement”. It’d get a big riot of an applause.

I’d love this. I think they have such a “robust” (#branding) library of handheld games that it’d make too much sense to carry them over to their now partially handheld big console.

Will it happen? Well, I mean Nintendo has said no virtual console on Switch. But they’ve changed their mind, even if it has been rare, in the past before. While it could happen down the line, this up coming direct is about 2017, so I don’t think we’ll see it there.

Nah John.

You need to stop.

But... Well

I mean maybe?

MAYBE.

Maybe?

Finally. Some announcements we, as “hardcore gamers” care about.

Some cars

Fuckin.

On stage.

The cars have sex.

And birth a motorcycle.

I love this Peter. I mean, for some reason I guess folks think that Emma Stone will be the female actress pulled into Death Stranding, and I think there will likely be a big female reveal at some point, I don’t know why everyone thinks it’ll be Emma Stone? I bet there is a good reason out there, I just don’t know. I’m not complaining, Emma Stone is great.

I am definitely with you on the “deep dive”, though I don't think there will be a long explanation of things, just a nice gameplay demo. My theory I posited on Get Acquainted was like an 8 minute trailer that leads into about four minutes of gameplay at the end, but it’s just enough cinematic that we’re convinced there will be no gameplay, and then BOOM. There is.

I could see them saying 2019 at the end too, though I doubt they’ll hit it.

YOU DONT BRANDON GOODBYE.

Nah of course. 

We talked about this on our show, obvs, everyone please go listen to it, but NO FINAL FANTASY 7. IT WONT HAPPEN. Square Enix needs to figure that shit out, and so they’ll come back to it when it, and more importantly, THEY’RE ready to.

Here’s hoping for some dope Xbox Avatars.

I mean, it’s gotta be the time, right? I need to know what this Resident Evil 2 Remake looks like. I know the director was out there talking about it not terribly too long ago, and it just feels like ages since we heard about it. With Capcom announcing RE7 and then releasing it 6 months later, on top of Monster Hunter World’s recent success, they are on a great path! Time to continue it!

As for DMC 5 I mean everyone seems convinced it’s coming and I just don’t care.

I love the Rocksteady prediction, because they’ve been cooking that bad boy for a good long while. I hope it’s Superman because I have supreme faith they’ll knock it out of the park. Maybe even an origin story? I’d love to see Rocksteady do one of those.

And I do, also, believe that Shadows Die Twice is Tenchu.

Dishonored getting a reboot I just don’t see happening. I think it’s time Arkane moves onto some new IP. Something that is hopefully a bit more eye-catchy so they get get back into a popular circle, then maybe spend a few years making iterations of that. Maybe in a few years past that they can return to Dunwall and take another crack at Dishonored.

Doom 2 can be wherever the hell it wants and I am HERE for it. But judging by the sounds of things that may not be at this E3, and that’s okay. It makes me sad, but it’s okay.

Man. I fucking wish.

Them or Bioware. I’d love to have just an original story told at Hogwarts where you create your character and go through 7 years at the school and it’s great and it has dialogue wheels and it’s great. Feed me Bioware.

It’d never happen tho.

This would be very cool. I feel like this Star Fox Grand Prix rumor is too big to ignore, but it’s still a little far fetched. I wonder how they’d sell it, if it is real.

Honestly, not that far out there. Kingdom Hearts don’t give a fuck about Red Dead.

Here is my thing, I just don’t think an ARMs character will make it into the Smash roster because no one cares about ARMs and I don’t think they’d be crazy interesting. Who would it be? Twintelle? I mean she is super cool, but who knows!

THey’d make great assist trophies, and I know that’s a slight but I’m sorry.

PUT GENO IN.

Anyway, if they put Banjo and Kazooie in I’d literally start crying right then and there, and it may happen, who knows, but I would. I’d cry.

I think there could be a direct apology. It depends. I think within 15 minutes or so we will know if EA has changed their tone or not. Hell, within 2 minutes we’ll know. If they want to actually be well regarded, they need to start making big moves, and right now, they’re not. Period. Come out and own up to what you’ve done wrong, or GTFO. They need to make up ground on the PR front, even if they’re still making money hand over fist. 

I’m sorry times are tough Silver, but know that I’m sending good vibes your way!

I wonder if Microsoft would make such a bold move. Regardless, it’s a great bold prediction. I hope that they are gonna give it some more time, and let this generation cook a little more. I’m digging my Xbox One X, and them implying a replacement is coming next year or so would bum me out.

Finally. The battle Royale Battle Royale we’ve all been waiting for. 

And as the dust settles, there’s sha’boi Griffin. Standing on top. Winner of them all.

And let’s not front: I’d kill to listen to Donald Glover sing Parappa songs.

Thank you all so much for your predictions! I’ve had a ton out there all week, and the Get Acquainted Episode I think has them out there in the best way. Go check them out! Either way, I’m so excited for E3, not necessarily to see if my predictions came true, but just for the hype of it all and my inevitable editorial after its all said and done about my thoughts and feelings coming out of it.

So. Big Sunday Chats update. I may be making a BIG CHANGE to Sunday Chats in the coming weeks. There is some ironing out I need to figure out personally, but I just wanted to give you faithful readers a little heads up. This could be something that becomes a proper part of IrrationalPassions.com, and for that, I’m very excited. The biggest thing is it may mean I start soliciting questions on Saturday! Stay tuned for my twitter for that.

It wouldn’t be a big change for you all, so don’t stress about it too much, but I wanted to seed it out there.

I love you all and your support, especially in these dark dog days of summer I am in. Thank you for the perpetual good vibes. 

I hope you all are here for the E3 hype, but if not, that’s okay. Regardless, thank you for reading, and

keep it real.

(the Naruto kick not only continues, but never ends.)