#like the anxiety about how this develops is eating me alive snsnsnsn
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#hmmmmmmmMMMMM#so I’m stuck at home with covid again and that’s sucky enough as is#like the anxiety about how this develops is eating me alive snsnsnsn#but oh my god I keep being confronted with the WEIRD shit my brain does#and for some reason having covid really brings out the worst parts of my brain#I feel. pardon my French. extra crazy#it’s like my brain is latching on to all the coping mechanisms we’ve acquired over the years except it’s all the sucky ones#the exact ones I’ve been trying to get rid of#I could make a list but I’ll spare you#and then on TOP of that I keep thinking of everything I’ve lost or that’s been broken into pieces because of the everything and it’s 🫠#been trying very hard to rebuild but I’m starting to realise some things are never coming back#and I’ve also lost an innocence and spontaneity I used to have that’s just…………#uuuuGGGhhhhh ugh#plus I made the mistake of scrolling through pictures when I was 28 and it just hit me I’m turning 32 and I just#don’t know who I’m looking at anymore when I look in the mirror#I keep being stuck on 28 year old me? and that hasn’t been me in. a while. but I can’t accept who I am now I really don’t like her#when I SHOULD I’m FIGHTING to like this me so hard!!!!!#and it’s not just how I look it’s. everything. I feel extra raw lately this year has been a Lot Of Facing Things and its like Fun just left#ugh#anyways so now I’m upside down with my legs up against the wall while listening to 00:00 on repeat#which also feels unhinged but it’s weirdly calming to my nervous system?#cool.#cooooollll.#this is nonsensical but I’m all over the place and ive already called my mum five times today enough is enough#just. waHHHHHHHHH
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