#like some of the things theyve done were straight up malicious or just pretending to help me but for their own benefit. if that makes sense | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

transgaysex · 3 years ago

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honestly i try to give my parents some credit bc they have maybe sorta slightly improved (though not by choice but bc they were threatened to do so) but the truth of the matter is that they have really just been cruel to my siblings and i and the only way they ever do change is when i pull something drastic which i dont have the will or energy to do anymore

#wind howls #ask 2 tag #like some of the things theyve done were straight up malicious or just pretending to help me but for their own benefit. if that makes sense #suicide #as a tag b the next tag might not be fun to read #like. when i was 14 and told my parents i might be depressed my dad gave me the sharpest knife we owned and told me to go right ahead-#and cut my veins if i really am that depressed. and that just messed with me so deeply i never asked 4 anything at all from them for years #and then a couple of years later that same man boasted to my brother about how much they helped ME when i was hospitalized n depressed #i dont know if ive talked about it before. but i snapped for the second (and so far last) time in my life and yelled at my own dad #and reminded him of that knife shit he pulled. that he had the privilege of forgetting. i never did. its something have forever.#only then did he take my brother seriously. only then did he take ME seriously. he tried to deny it. he said he never couldve done that #but i was in such a state i couldnt stop yelling and my siblings had to step in and remind my dad that he did. in front of all of us.#couple of months ago my parents tried to get me therapy through my dads workplace bc then i think we wouldnt have haf to pay for it #but that wasnt the real reason. the real reason is that my parents were plotting that bc the work therapist would only treat employees-#at my dads workplace. and for me 2 have therapy there would have to have my dad or both my parents in the room. i saw through it right away #and when i told them that i saw through it my mom snapped and threw a fit and yelled and screamed about me keeping secret from them #what am i supposed to do ? tell her everything ? tell her that she and my dad are the sole reason im in the state im in ?#that i wish i hated them and i cant find it in me 2 do so ? that i was raised weak and lovin and i hate myself 4 it because its their fault #that i am the way i am ?#that im out of myself with rage every day that i had to get hospitalized in a mental institue for them to even realize something was up ?#and for them to deny it and joke about it and pretend to be a perfect lovely beautiful family for years afterwards ? and i have to sit #there in silence because they have a reputation that i could easily ruin but i cant bring myself to do so because i love them still ?#and that i hate myself for it every day ?#i could destroy my parents and everything around them with words alone and i dont. and they dont realize that.#instead they try to convince me that therapists and psychologists and meds are the product of the devil and i should seek god for healing #one day ill snap again. i was hoping my third snap would be for my aunt V who also ruined my life in another way. but i can do more #i. will delete this later sorry thats a lot of rage kept in an only 5'2" body

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