#like shit is a vicious cycle atm because the sadder i am the shittier everything seems and the worse things go in life | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fingertipsmp3 · 1 year ago

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Like yeah I can absolutely be charming and personable when I need to be, but I have to be in the correct headspace first. Like I have to not be catatonically depressed about my dog dying and my sister dying and winter in the north being so bleak!!! Can we talk about it

#like believe it or not i was actually such a good barista #i was bright; energetic; kind; funny; i had a good rapport with my colleagues and the customers #i used to sing orders & totals and i’d do a little boogie whenever i was on hot drinks (my favourite station. and i didn’t boogie #with drinks in my hand; promise)#but that was in the summer when i had an alive dog and two functioning knees!!!!!#okay honestly. my right knee is damn near fully functioning again. i mean yeah i still have a level of stiffness but it’s rare i’m actually #in pain with it. the inflammation only really flares up if i do too much or on very cold and wet days #my physio plans to discharge me in two weeks. it’s good!#but i’m still just like. i know what it is now; to have chronic pain for months on end & to recover from a long term injury #and to not trust a part of my body. and i don’t even know why it happened!!!#the working theory is that my knee at the time of the injury was a ticking time bomb because i had a weak shitty vmo (holds the kneecap in #the socket) and i have hypermobile knees (they bend backwards quite dramatically)#but why i dislocated it so hard that i overextended two ligaments and tore a bunch of muscle fibres is still beyond comprehension #all i was trying to do was approach the counter and ring up a customer order. like #so forgive me if i’m not exactly chirpy #like shit is a vicious cycle atm because the sadder i am the shittier everything seems and the worse things go in life #which just makes me increasingly more upset #i should seek therapy. i feel like when i requested therapy back in october and then cancelled it i cursed myself lol #my sister died like… a few days after that? and okay we were never close. we were estranged actually. hadn’t seen each other or spoken #in 12 years. but there’s this thing that happens where you start wondering what might’ve been. and you feel guilty that you weren’t close #like what Could we have been to each other. what if we had been close. what could i have helped her with. what could we both have learned #what if i’d met her kids. etc #and i’m so upset about mabel that i feel like throwing up. i just wish she was still here. i want to fight whoever invented canine dementia #i just wish everyone would leave me alone for a bit. let me cocoon myself until i’ve figured out my grief and the evenings are lighter #and everything seems less pointless. maybe then i’ll be able to fake being happy for long enough that someone will give me a fucking job #personal

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