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interestellarprincess · 1 year ago

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The 1

Pairing: Lance Stroll x Reader

Summary: After two years, destiny put them together to fix things out.

Warnings: none, just a poorly written english (not my first language) and sad swiftie's drabble. Also some personal words i'd like to say to him.

A/N: It took me some time to finish this one, but when I was writing the part 1, already knew that part 2 would be with this song.

TYSM for being here tolerating my bad writing :)

Now to the good stuff, SUMMONING ALL LANCE GIRLIES!!!!

This oneshot has a part 1

Taglist: @motorsp0rt, @mirrorball-6

2 years have passed since the last time they saw each other. Two years since y/n had her heart broken by one of her favorite persons in the world. She took six months to finally get through what happened at the cafe with Lance. She got back to work and tried to live through it, because deep down, she knew that he was out there living his life with the other girl he took home and it wasn’t fair for her to be the only one frozen in time.

After those six months, y/n’s boss got her a recommendation letter to work as a social media in one of the formula one teams. Later, she found out that the job was at Mercedes and she couldn’t be happier. Y/n thought that her life was finally getting into the right course and nothing could stop her, not even the possibility of meeting him during one of the race weekends.

So it happened. Everything was fine, until Spain 2023.

It was Friday, before FP1, y/n was on her way to the Mercedes hospitality. The paddock was kinda full of people, mostly staff giving the final touches for the weekend, since it was a bit early for the gates to open . Y/n was trying to get through the people carefully enough to not spill her cup full of coffee. She failed her mission. Steps away of her destination, someone bumped her and the only thing she saw at that time was the green blur going through her. “Hey you! pay attention next time!” she yelled, not expecting for the blur to turn and come back close to her, not expecting for it to come back as a ghost that she’d been avoiding since the beginning of the season.

“Oh my god, I’m sorry, did you got burn…” Lance’s apologies stopped when he notice who was the person with the white shirt covered in coffee. ‘‘Y/n?, w-what are you doing here?’’ he shouldn’t be that surprised, but for a moment he wasn’t imagining that it was her in front of him, not after all these years.

After a few moments of processing, she finally managed to say something. “I work here, Lance.” She said trying to fix her shirt but it wasn’t worth it anymore. Meanwhile, he was just there, frozen looking at her. “Are you going to stay there looking like a statue or you’re going to apologize? I don’t have all the time and I imagine that you don’t have it too.” She was cold, but she needed to be. He blinked going back to reality.

“ y/n, I- I’m really sorry for ruining your shirt and your coffee… It’s just that I’m surprised by seeing you here.” He said scratching the back of his neck “look, can I get you another coffee? For, you know…” he was still thinking about what to say to her, she had no idea but she also haunted him after what happened. He felt like a piece of garbage for treating her that way and he wanted to apologize some day, but he wasn’t planning that this day would come so soon.

“Fine!” She agreed so fast that anyone would say it was because she was excited for it, however, all she wanted was to finally end this embarrassing and slightly stressing scene and go back to her normal day with not meeting her ex best friend and definitely without any coffee spilled all over her shirt. “Just dm me when and I’ll come, but now i need to go and get all of this coffee away” her hands were floating in front of her stained shirt during the last part of the sentence.

“Okay, see you later then!” he didn’t even finished his sentence when she was already leaving to the hospitality.

When Y/N arrived at the building, her friend Maya stopped her immediately. “Oh my god,Y/N! what happened to you? and why you’re looking like you saw a ghost?” she said already taking her friend to the nearest bathroom to get cleaned “Tell me everything!”

“If the ghost’s name is Lance Stroll, then I indeed saw one” Y/N was trying to dry her shirt with some paper towels while telling the whole thing to Maya, of course it didn’t worked, so the friend went out to get a new shirt for her. While Maya was out, Y/N noticed the notification on her phone.

@Lancestroll: I hope you’re ok and not burned

@yourusername: I’m fine, and the coffee wasn’t that hot

@Lancestroll: again, sorry for the shirt

@yourusername: it’s ok

@Lancestroll: btw, what do you think about today after debrief?

@yourusername:????

@Lancestroll: the “I’m sorry for ruining your morning coffee”? For what I remember, you’re not one of those with a bad memory.

Shit, he was right. Truth is that she just wasn’t ready to face him again.

@yourusername: oh right! After debrief is fine for me, see you there.

Y/N completely ignored his comment, but deep down, it still got her that he still knew her well. Maya came back, Y/N changed her shirt and the day went by as normal as possible.

Later…

Y/N was on her way to meet him at his team’s hospitality, when she finally entered the place covered in the team colors she saw him. He was there already on a table and waiting for her with her coffee, just like he did on the last time they spoke, just like he did on the day she left. For a minute, she felt like it was going to happen again, but the feeling passed when he said her name and waved at her.

“Different times now Y/N, different situations.” she said to herself inside her head.

She sat at the table, he smiled at her and handed her coffee. “I think it tastes better when it’s not all over you, right?” he tried to break the tension between them, because he knew that this meeting wasn’t because of the earlier accident, but because of the accident that happened two years ago.

“yeah sure it does!” she gave him a small smile after noticing how nervous he looked. “So, how are you doing? It’s been a while since we’ve last talked” Lance’s voice while finishing the sentence was almost a whisper.

“Oh, I’m good! On some new shit now as you can see” she chuckled while pointing to the silver star on her shirt.

“Yeah, this is so cool, I’m happy for you.” he took a sip from his cup “Did you started this year? I- I thought I saw you at Abu Dhabi last year.” Lance was nervous about her answer, because he could swear he saw her. Or maybe he was just missing her too much to the point of seeing her everywhere.

“Hm, sorry but it wasn’t me” she stared at her coffee “I started this year, John got me a recommendation letter. Anyways, tell me, how are you doing? How’s Juliana going? I didn’t saw her at the paddock” she knew she was a bit rough the moment she saw him look down.

He got surprised at how direct her words were, it was like ripping off a BandAid. He sighed “I think she’s fine, we broke up before last year’s summer break.” he stared at his coffee.

“oh, I’m sorry, you two looked happy together” she knew that they weren’t happy, but she was trying to be optimistic.

“No need to be sorry Y/n, actually, I’m the one who owns you an apologie.” he looked at her deep in the eyes and, for a second, she felt her body shiver. “I’m sorry for being an ass to you two years ago. You didn’t deserved to be treated that way, especially by someone you liked and who liked you back. I’m really sorry.’’ he said putting his hands over hers on the table.

Y/n sighed and looked at their hands together. " It’s okay now, Lance. If you never bleed you never gonna grow, right?” she gave him a soft smile.

After the apologies, the atmosphere between them got a bit lighter. “So, tell me, how are you doing? You’ve been doing great on the past race weekends.” she gave him a smile.

“If you say so, thanks!” he chuckled “But I know I need to work harder If I want to be quarter the driver that Fernando is.”

“Oh Lance, I guess you still the same when it comes to being too harsh on yourself.” she gave him a kind look " I know the media haven’t been the best with you, but you need to know you don’t need to be quarter of anyone than yourself. You’re still young and there’s plenty of time to improve your driving, and I trust you.”

“I guess I needed to hear that, thank you Y/n.” He smiled at her. “So, how about you…” he was about to finish his sentence when he looked down at her hands and saw the ring. “You’re engaged?” he was surprised.

“Guilty” she chuckled “His name is Travis, he’s one of the Mercedes engineers. My friend presented us last year by coincidence, before I got my job.” she smiled.

“Well, congratulations! I’m happy for you.” he said, but inside, his thoughts were screaming that it should be him. And he couldn’t help being mad at himself for it.

“Oh, thanks Lance” she was indeed happy with her life, but she couldn’t hold the thought that if her wishes came true, it would’ve been him. His ring on her finger, him wanting to spend a life with her. She knew it was wrong thinking this, but deep down she also knew that sometimes it was impossible to defend herself for never leaving well enough alone.

They chatted for a while, before their phones started to ring and they had to say goodbye. They promise to keep in touch because they missed each others friendship.

And in that moment, when they were leaving and following different ways, both of them started to think of what could’ve happened if that one moment had been different. Would everything be different between them now in the present? They felt the need to ask this burn inside their heads, but none of them were strong enough to ask it.

What they knew is that definitely everything would be sweet, if they were each others One.

#f1 x reader #lance stroll x reader #lance stroll oneshot #lance stroll drabble #spotify #Spotify

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drakaripykiros130ac · 5 months ago

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I’m sorry to blow up your asks, but I wanted your opinion since I know you don’t like HOTD’s adaption of F&B.

What do you think about the way they handled Laena’s death? I’ve seen people argue that they prefer the book and the shows versions for different reasons. For me, it was one of the changes in the show that I actually liked over the original.

They not only showed the difference in Daemon and Viserys’ character with the way Daemon refused the c-section after learning Laena wouldn’t survive it vs Viserys saying to do it, but we also got to see Laena die on her own terms (as much as she could given the circumstances). She asked Viserys about Vhagar as a child and eventually bonded with the dragon she yearned for, and I find it bittersweet that she was able to go out in her own terms by the dragon she wanted so badly. Not to mention the symbolism in it; she knew she would be buried at sea like a Velaryon, but she was also able to have a dragonrider’s death with Vhagar like a Targaryen.

(Disclaimer: I am talking strictly about her death. I could write an entire doctoral thesis about the way they slaughtered Daemon and Laena’s relationship and the relationship they had with Rhaenyra, and Daemon’s character as a father to his children.)

I personally greatly dislike how they had Viserys make that decision for Aemma. It wasn’t like that in the book. Aemma Arryn died in childbirth period. Viserys had nothing to do with it.

As a side note, the showrunners have made plenty of decisions to make Viserys and Daemon look bad through the way they treat women (it wasn’t like that in the book).

As for Laena’s death, while the show version is definitely more epic, I think that it was executed poorly. I mean, Laena, while giving birth, barely able to move and in tremendous amount of pain, manages to move past all those people in the room and get to Vhagar? There’s seriously no one who saw her leave? And how could she just leave? Normally, she shouldn’t have been able to move.

Overall, the showrunners choose epicness over good sense.

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ferventfox · 1 year ago

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Saw the Barbie movie and enjoyed it a lot.

Some people on the internet have charged it with being misandrist/man-hating/whatever word you want to use for it, and those people...are kind of correct. Sorry. (Spoilers for the Barbie movie btw)

The standard smug response is “omg sexist dudebros can’t stand that a movie is about women and they are too toxic to understand the message of the film and how it deals with the fact that patriarchy hurts men too.” And sure, it’s made explicit that being in charge and having the material trappings of patriarchal power does not make Ken happy on an existential level (because his real dream in life is to be a horse girl), but it’s not enough to cancel out that every single man in the film is portrayed as an incompetent moron. Stuff like “Men love explaining the Godfather and think playing the guitar is interesting and impressive to women” doesn’t bother me--these are jokes in a comedy film and the characters doing them are doll people who live on a plastic beach. But it’s not just the Kens that are stupid, the men from the real world are all stupid too. The husband of the America Ferrera character is essentially a real world Ken--there just to be there and someone neither the audience or the women in his life spare much of a thought for unless we are laughing at how ridiculous his existence is. The Barbie movie is only “not sexist” in that it’s not as bad as you might expect because the bar for these sorts of thing is so low it’s on the ground.

The messaging around the whole Ken takeover is extremely weird and confusing. As Ken observes, the real world is opposite from life in Barbieland; in Barbieland the Barbies are the patriarchs who occupy all the positions of power and Kens are the “women” in that they are second-class citizens whose lives and identities revolve around the Barbies because they’re not permitted to do anything fulfilling or interesting on their own. But when Ken turns Barbieland into Kendom, the plot seems to run on the assumption that the audience’s sympathies would naturally be with the Barbies fighting to restore the status quo and not with the Kens, who were an underclass until about a day ago. Yes the society they set up is bad--it’s just the reverse of the unfair system that existed before--but there is very little sense that the Barbies are getting a taste of their own medicine and instead the narrative is that it’s tragic that these strong women who have won Nobel prizes have to be nice and pay attention to the obviously stupid and boring Kens for even a day. The main character expresses that she feels bad for treating Ken poorly and this is shut down by another character (meant to be a real human woman from the real world) who basically says she shouldn’t feel bad because Ken stole her house and “brainwashed” her friends but isn’t it just one of the struggles of womanhood that we feel bad about how we treat shitty men~ .

Like, what? All the Kens were homeless before this! I liked the Barbie character and all, but obviously I’m going to feel more sympathy for the person whose example of how the real world made him feel like someone is that a woman found his existence worthwhile enough to ask him for the time than for someone whose arc is dealing with her life being less than perfect for the first time.The former is both very sad and just more like a real experience that most people would have--a lifelong sense of inadequacy rather than having an idyllic existence that went suddenly wrong--yet it’s Barbie who is framed as the relatable one because, I suppose, she is a woman.

I think the movie relies a little too much on this “sisterhood” idea that I’ve always hated. I’m sure I’m meant to be nodding my head at the little speech about the contradictory expectations placed on women and going “yes that’s just what it’s like!”...but I simply didn’t relate to it at all and was left thinking it was sort of a weak, lazy solution to a conflict that was already a bit contrived to begin with. That Barbies would be just as susceptible to rhetoric from some college freshman’s B+ women’s study’s paper as they were to instantly adopting patriarchal ideas actually makes sense, but I don’t think that’s the joke--we’re meant to find it profound. (The human characters in general are the weakest part of the movie. It feels almost like they are remnant of an earlier version of the story that got changed a lot, especially the Mattel executives).

At the end there is some lip service to things not just going back to the way they were, but a Ken cannot have a seat on the supreme court. The point of this, I think, is supposed to be that just like a company releasing toy that is a woman president isn’t going to solve gender inequality, neither is this one event going to immediately change Barbieland into an egalitarian utopia; real equality is hard to to achieve and is a slow process of incremental changes. This is good, but it’s undercut by the movie wanting to have it’s cake and eat it too by having all these girlboss scenes where the Barbies are taking back Barbieland and are clearly better and smarter than the Kens. We’re meant to see them talk about “keeping Barbieland Barbieland” and getting to reinstate “their” constitution (that 0 Kens get to vote on) and feel...good? Inspired?

I couldn't help but feel dissatisfied with how this plotline ended because the situation looks sort of grim.The only Barbie who is ever shown to have any empathy for a Ken leaves, and the Ken with the most personal development gives up leading anyone because it’s not his thing and cedes his leadership position to a Ken who doesn’t have the motivation not to build his life around Barbie that he does. I think I would’ve liked it more if Ken also left Barbieland. He had an existential crisis too; he was also effected enough by his experience that he was capable of tears. If Stereotypical Barbie doesn’t feel like Barbie anymore, does Stereotypical Ken really feel like Ken? After having to completely redefine his entire reason for existing? As it is, it almost feels like the film is saying that Ken is too simple to be irrevocably changed by what he’s been through, like only Barbie’s feelings are deep and meaningful. I just wanted a post-credits scene where he runs a horse ranch with Allan or something.

#I wrote this big long post that could easily be responded too with but Ken was the best part of the movie #he so was!#which is why I'm left vaguely disappointed

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redheadlesbianfreak · 2 years ago

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Now that the writer’s strike is a thing, can we start talking about how poorly people treat writers in fandom spaces? And I’m not talking about fanfiction writers (though believe me, they get treated poorly too), but professional writers.

Over the years of being in fandom, I’ve seen a lot of truly unhinged fans go on wild conspiracy theories about how writer xyz is a truly horrible person. This is despite the fact that fans don’t know anything about writer xyz except the fact that he wrote their least favorite episode of a kids show. Or how all the writers on their favorite show were shit and purposefully ruined the show and the tumblr users in the fandom could do so much better.

A lot of times, there will be the Scapegoat Writer who is mysteriously responsible for every single problem on their favorite show, despite tv shows being a huge collaborative effort. The Scapegoat Writer (often a showrunner) will be the brunt of a lot of hate from fans who know nothing about them. Let’s use Rebecca Sugar as an example of how people accused her of unbelievably horrific things because they didn’t like the direction she took their favorite kids show.

On the flipside, there’s also the One True Writer that is actually the only person responsible for everything good in the show. The One True Writer can do nothing wrong, is worshipped by fans, and is credited for everything. This is despite shows being a collaborative effort, as I said earlier. Don’t forget the part where fans of said show constantly compare every other tv show writer to the One True Writer that they decided to worship.

Idk man, I just think it’s insulting to blame or credit one person for everything good or bad in a collaborative piece of media. Especially when you start to understand not only how difficult writing is in a professional setting, but also how poorly writers are paid. People don’t never blame executive meddling for poor writing decisions. Instead, they blame a writer who is struggling paycheck to paycheck trying to find the next gig because they committed the “horrible” crime of making a bad writing decision.

This isn’t to say that people shouldn’t criticize their favorite shows for bad writing. Criticize it all you want. But I do think that harassing specific people or only crediting one person for making a show is terrible. More often than not, media is nuanced. And making poor writing decisions isn’t a crime; certainly, no one deserves to be harassed over that.

#writing #writer's strike #wga #fandom can be cruel #just thinking about all the stories i've heard over the years #and then the awful things i've seen fans say about complete strangers #and not to mention the writer everyone loves and worships?#they turn out to be a bigot or an abuser #and suddenly everyone scrambles to find a new writer to credit #so they can justify liking their favorite show again

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homemade-ghosts · 2 years ago

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I honestly don’t get why antis, Rinis or PWs say the things that they do. One of things in particular, “Ricky was a bad boyfriend to Nini, so therefore he’d treat Gina no different.” First of all, he has completely different experiences with both girls so he can’t love them both for the exact same reasons. Also, Ricky’s lack of growth in S1 with Nini versus his growth with Gina in S3. I mean, you can have romantic feelings for 2 or more people simultaneously. Who would’ve thought? smh

The amount of PWs who seem to actively want Ricky to treat Gina badly is absolutely wild to me (& honestly, concerning). It feels like they resent Gina for not choosing their Fave White Boy™ EJ, to the point where they think she should suffer for recognizing her own worth and breaking up with him, after coming to terms with the fact that he could not & would not give her the love that she wants & deserves. They want Gina to be punished for what they perceive as her having “wronged” EJ in some sense (I won’t even get into the racist connotations associated with that — but they’re there, in big, flashing neon letters).

& on top of that, I can guarantee you nearly every rini/PW who claims Ricky will somehow treat Gina badly 1. Thinks EJ was a model boyfriend, despite the fact that he lied to & repeatedly ignored Gina + her wants/needs — making her feel like she was asking too much of him or that she (being a girlfriend for the first time where EJ was/is much more experienced) had done something wrong. & 2. They’ll jump at the chance to say that Ricky has only ever/will only ever love Nini and that they should’ve gotten back together.

So, basically, Ricky was a bad boyfriend to Nini and that’s why he shouldn’t be with Gina, yet they want him to be with Nini, the person they claim he treated so poorly? The level of hypocrisy is insane.

& implying that Ricky was a “bad boyfriend” to Nini and, because of that, he’ll be a “bad boyfriend” to Gina suggests that every relationship is the same, that you can’t possibly be a good partner to someone when it didn’t work out with the person you dated before them. If that were true, no one would ever be able to fall in love more than once. We’d all be doomed to either spend the rest of our lives with the person we were with at 16/17 or spend it alone. What a miserable existence that would be (at least for those of us that want romantic love). People change and who they love is often a reflection of that, as it should be.

Ricky isn’t solely at fault for the fact that he & Nini didn’t work out, either. They didn’t break-up just because he was unsupportive or because he was too clingy (two things he has never once been to Gina, by the way — even when things were strained between them while he was with Nini, he complemented her BATB dance routine & that continued into s3, where he was constantly in awe of her talent, encouraged her & told her he was proud of her. & in contrast to being overbearing with Nini, Ricky gave Gina space, no questions asked, when she made it clear she needed time away from him, mid-s2).

Ricky & Nini also broke up because they couldn’t communicate with each other or understand what the other needed. Nini, despite knowing that Ricky hates change & has abandonment issues, stemming from his mom moving to Chicago & starting a new life without him, waits until the very last second to tell him she’s moving to Denver. Oh, and she tells him in front of everyone, having apparently learned nothing from the last time she sprung some big news on Ricky in a very public forum a whole season prior. Then, when Ricky wants to talk to her about the parallels between “The Rose Song” and their relationship, she tries to convince him the song isn’t about him, even though she knows it is, and basically runs away from Ricky to avoid talking about it. Meanwhile, Ricky & Gina have, on several separate occasions, sought each other for advice & comfort. They tell each other things they don’t tell anyone else. Communication is their strong suit.

& I know some people could/would argue, “but what about when they weren’t on speaking terms during 2b?” to which I would say that, when you give someone the room they need to process their own emotions, alone, because you understand that that’s what they need in the moment, that’s a form of communication, too. The problem (or one of the problems, among many) with Ricky & Nini is that they couldn’t understand what each other needed.

My point is not to suggest that the breakup was Nini’s fault specifically, or that I think she’s a bad person for treating Ricky the way she did, but to say that Nini was as much of a bad girlfriend to Ricky as Ricky was a bad boyfriend to Nini. That’s what happens when you try to force a relationship with someone you’ve outgrown. & just because Ricky & Nini have outgrown each other, it doesn’t mean that they didn’t love each other and it doesn’t mean that either of them aren’t deserving of the chance to be able to grow with someone who is better suited for the person that they are now, who makes them the happiest, most-fulfilled, best version of themselves — the way that Gina does for Ricky & vice versa.

You’re so right, you can love two people at once. I’m sorry if that upsets #them, but that’s the way it is — just because he loved Nini, doesn’t mean he ever stopped having feelings for Gina. Feelings aren’t simple, love isn’t simple. & while Nini will always be Ricky’s first love, his love for Gina is different, better. It’s healthy and it’s selfless & to suggest he’s not deserving of that love because his past relationship (one that he’s learned a lot from, mind you) didn’t work out is…well, it’s stupid.

At the end of the day, Ricky treated Gina with nothing but love, kindness, respect & admiration when they weren’t dating and we’ve been given no reason to believe he won’t continue to do that now that they are dating (the only difference is that now he can kiss her while he does). #They can stay mad about it.

#so sorry it took me a million years to respond to this #i read my asks go 'i'll find the words for this later' & then i just...don't & forget about them entirely lol #hsmtmts #ricky x gina #rina #hsmtmts s3 #asks #anon

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f0point5 · 1 year ago

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I’m honestly starting to get annoyed with y/n 😭 her calling Elliot disposable to her mom and blaming it on her parents being divorced is... icky. There’s a difference between “I’m not sure if I like him so we’ll go on a few more dates” and “I’m not sure if I like him so I’m going to fly to another country with him and possibly use my connections to get us the hotel I want”. Like one of those is very clearly something you do when you’re serious with someone…

Treating someone poorly isn’t excused by having parents with a bad relationship. Just because my parents had a contentious relationship all through my childhood doesn’t give me free license to treat people poorly and it shouldn’t give Y/N free license either. 🫤

Plus she’s hitting new levels of delusion. I want to knock her upside the head and then give her the number of my therapist. If girlie has this much trauma about relationships then she needs to stop dating Elliot, move out of Max’s flat, and see a therapist. 😭

I just want to clarify, she wasn’t calling Elliot disposable in that she believes that, she was snarking using her mother’s words. I don’t think she views Elliot as disposable as much as she views him as an addition to the life she already has, whereas her mother is hinted to be someone who dives much deeper into relationships.

Well, using connections to stay at the hotel you want is only serious when the reason is about the other person…were hers? She wants to stay at the Fairmont because that’s where the F1 teams stay in Austin…

I don’t think she treats Elliot poorly. At the end of the day hasn’t known him that long, or spent that much time with him. There’s a limit to what he can expect from her at this point. Plus, we don’t really know how he feels about this relationship or what he wants out of it, he could be having parallel conversations with his friends.

I don’t think her parents’ divorce is an excuse to treat him poorly (if that’s what she ends up doing) but at the same time it may well be the reason she doesn’t have an interest in deep romantic relationships. Not wanting that isn’t treating someone poorly. There are plenty of people who are in casual relationships comfortably for years on end.

I wouldn’t handle things that way she has been but at the same time I feel like because we’re getting so much of her thought process it makes the Elliot situation seem more charged than it would from his side.

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amalyze · 2 years ago

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It’s been a while. Depression sucks. I feel like I’m living with narcississ/around them daily. Always so demanding, having to walk on egg shells, everything is their way or it’s not good enough. My dad calls constantly and with his dementia he leaves me nasty voicemails if I don’t answer the second he calls. My getting my daughter breakfast and on the bus isn’t anywhere near as important as him swearing at me is first thing in the morning because he didn’t take his medication on time and is having a fit about something. My mom guilt trips me and has to check on me even if I’m not well she has to call every half hour to make sure I’m okay. I can’t rest because people will not pitch in and take care of anything. I have to organize everything and when I ask for help there’s some excuse as to why they can’t mostly because they are too busy and can’t be bothered. I’m the one people call to run and jump because every day SOMETHING is an emergency for someone. I just don’t want to wake up in the mornings anymore because I’m so triggered by everyone going off on me. It sets me up for a bad day. I can’t breathe anymore. I’m just so smothered by people and all they want is to have me do all the things for them, planning, scheduling, driving, caring for… I need a break. Is it even normal to get an average of 52 phone calls daily? Most of which being the same people calling over and over and over again back to back leaving multiple messages over a minute long. Doesn’t matter if I set designated days and times to call people and create boundaries for myself because they are always pushed aside and when I’ve had enough I’m the bad guy. I’m the one who is all upset and treating people poorly and shouldn’t be acting out in such a manner. I should know better. I should do better. I should be better. I just need a break. I need people to respect me but they probably don’t even see me as a person that they could even try to treat decently. I’m so tired. Then I read books on narcissistic behavior and it basically says to take care of yourself because you can’t make people change and they will just continue to belittle and berate you. Nice to know there’s nothing you can actually do to fix it. I’m so tired of it all. How can so many damn lives fall apart an hour after waking up every single morning because I’m not there to do it all? And if I say no, I get calls from others about how dare I and how awful I am to family and need to get a grip, they just need help and clearly it’s my responsibility. If I avoid they send the police looking even if I say my phone will be off for one day. Police get mad and tell me I need to respond to my family and not avoid them, I’m so lucky I have them, I should be more grateful… and I would be grateful too if I had time to myself, for myself, regularly, but I don’t. Because I’m not allowed. Because I don’t matter. And that’s my depressed rant for tonight. I don’t want to deal with this crap again tomorrow. Ugh.

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year ago

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Tw Sa, coercion, victim blaming, sh and harassment

I think i’m looking for reassurance that i’m not overreacting and maybe advice. so in 2021 i was friends with this girl at college and then she started to make comments about me and my body and i thought i was okay with it but i really wasn’t. i went to a sleepover at her house and she made me do things that i wasn’t comfortable with, she kept asking and asking over and over and when i would say no she would huff or say i was making her feel bad or that it was stupid because i like girls so i should want to do that with her. i eventually stopped saying no but i didn’t say yes. she made me touch her and the whole time i was just staring at the posters on her wall while she moved my hands and it felt like i wasn’t even in my body. i texted my mum and said i wanted to leave and she pretended to be in the hospital so her fiancé could come get me. when i told the girl she sighed and said she was probably going to hurt herself because i was leaving early. i left anyway and blocked her number and didn’t go back to college for weeks. when i finally did they took me out of all the classes we shared and said i had bullied her. i had teachers call me mean and evil and say i was upsetting a really nice girl because i was petty. i told my mum what had actually happened and she told the college. they didn’t believe me and continued to take her side but did give me one counselling session where the counsellor stood in front of the door and refused to let me leave while he yelled at me to sit down and said if i actually had been sexually assaulted then i would’ve gone to the police. i dropped out of college.

a few days ago i message the person who sa’d me because i wanted to know if they were going to an event next month that i’m going to. i know it’s stupid and i shouldn’t have messaged them but i was so anxious about the possibility of seeing them at a concert a few months ago that i had a panic attack and left early and i just didn’t want it to happen again, i thought if i was prepared then it would be okay. they denied assaulting me and called me crazy while saying they forgive me for the horrible things i’ve done, before i could even ask about the event. i sent them a long message describing what they had done to me and how that had affected me and how it still affects me almost two years later then i blocked them. they showed that message to the college and because i had mentioned self harm they opened up a safeguarding investigation despite the fact that i don’t even go there anymore and i’m 18. now they’ve been making fake accounts on tumblr to harass me and i just don’t know what to do. and the worst part is i know most of this is my fault

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about everything that happened and please know that none of this is your fault at all. It's not okay to be guilt tripped or pressured into providing consent because that's not enthusiastic or willing consent. A lot of what you described resembles DARVO, an abuse tactic where the abuser "flips the script" and both paints themselves as the true victims and paints the victim as the abuser.

It sounds like this was such a traumatic experience for you that you may have dissociated as well. It also sounds like she tried to manipulate you by threatening to harm herself because you were leaving. I'm appalled about how poorly the college handled it, especially to make such an absurd statement like that if it were real that you would've tried to report it to the police, since obviously not all survivors feel compelled to do that and it doesn't make their experience fake in any way.

I can understand the anxiety and distress of possibly seeing your abuser out in public and I can also understand why you chose to contact her. But unfortunately it sounds like she hadn't changed at all and was still attempting to guilt trip and manipulate you. Please remember that you deserve better than to be treated like that.

While I can completely understand if your experience in counseling has soiled it, you may want to consider seeking out the guidance of a mental health professional such as a therapist, if you can access or afford it. A therapist could help you navigate and process your trauma, as well as come up with some strategies to deal with your abuser and the effects of your trauma.

Please know that you deserve to be taken seriously and we believe and support you. I hope I could help and let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse #tw sa #tw sh #tw self harm

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jack-bytez-genuine-corner · 2 years ago

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Why did I talk about Hogwarts am I dumb!?!?

I just realized I commented on Hogwart’s Legacy so now I need to put this out there:

* Spend your money however you want

* The best thing that COULD happen to the game has happened, which is that it’s PR has been trashed heavily and in a very public manner, so if you think it sold too much remember the point was to get a conversation going, and it’s STILL going, so amazing job to all the active participants

* No ethical consumption under capitalism, but explaining and reasoning why giving royalties to a TERF is bad is a good thing to do and I would argue brave. The goal isn’t to STOP purchases, it’s to make people AWARE and hopefully that’ll lead to them and others taking small actions to better the world for everyone.

* There were queer people who were into the series and those who aren’t, my husband was and distancing from it has been harder for him than for me because he was a MASSIVE fan while I was born too late to get into it and never really cared. Everyone has a different relation with media and so be careful with how you talk about those people because the wrong words could turn someone who would be a potential ally into an obstinate enemy.

* Remember to transition from the game to talking about other bad things Trans people have to unfairly deal with: A good example being the discrimination Trans streamers face daily that isn’t treated as well as the people who are being told “No, I don’t like you anymore cause you played this game on stream” because one of these is a very real problem that people shouldn’t have to put up with, and the other is people being petulant children. Other examples being TERF operations in the UK that Rowling promotes which should be ended as soon as possible.

* Small factoid, even though no one will really care: Rowling only gets royalties, not actual cash, while the devs and publisher put in a Trans woman as a focal character and actively tries to diminish the antiemetic undertones of the Goblins. Things change, and properties change, with the times, so while it is important to lambast Rowling, don’t forget that she doesn’t “Own” the IP anymore and that was what drove her to her first massive public meltdown, her second being suspiciously timed with the game’s original delay. And yes, just like Fantastic Beasts this COULD end up with the game selling poorly... Or it might not affect sales at all, who knows.

* The target is practically just JK Rowling and her supporters, so don’t go throwing hands with everyone who talks about the game. It’s a waste of energy for you and a bad image for everyone else. Instead focus on things you CAN control, educate others, and ideally use the momentum from this to launch a very real change. Things are practically GUARANTEED to sell loads if they get tons of marketing, so don’t let that discourage you from making a real change in your own space, even if that change is only on a personal level.

Background about me is that I’m gay and married, neither Trans nor Jewish so I’m NOT an authority on any of this and I’m just throwing my cents into the large hat. I posted several replies on the matter but felt like I should write a long post of my thoughts incase anyone comes looking to discuss or harass. I didn’t feel right just leaving a bunch of random, unsolicited comments and then saying nothing at all, but nuance is hard on the web and even harder in a heated environment. I’ll try not to divulge into the cesspit that is the game’s current PR standing because you basically can’t say anything without being pinned one way or the other, and in earnest it’s better for me to not worry about that video game and instead focus on my studies, my life, and my found family.

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toastspirit · 4 months ago

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Slightly unrelated but I think myself into circles alll the time. Similarly, I do this in my writing pretty often too, and it’s something I still haven’t learned to tackle academically

Example, continuing the stuff above:

Man I hate when people say mean things to me and hurt my feelings. I struggle with my confidence really often so I can randomly be really sensitive to what people say about me. Man I should really stop being so sensitive—or maybe people should be nicer? But other people feel hurt too, and they might be suffering a lot more than me, so that’s why they’re lashing out… but even if that’s the case, they shouldn’t treat me poorly. I try not to hurt others when I’m feeling hurt. But I still have on accident, haven’t I? Have I? I don’t know if I would remember. The ax forgets but the tree remembers and all that. But I shouldn’t think about the mean things people say to me, people say nice stuff to me too! But I don’t believe them because I still view myself as a person who isn’t deserving of kindness. But I’m pretty smart! I get good grades. Well, grades aren’t a one to one sign of intelligence. But I’ve had a 4.0 GPA since forever and if I got 100 in multiple classes I can’t be stupid… And I got 100 on a final in my COLLEGE CLASS! Wait but I’m just staking all my self worth in my grades again and that’s bad. But I don’t have much else that I feel good about… I can crochet well? But I haven’t been crocheting much recently. Work exhausts me and also hurts my hands. Oh but I should stop thinking about the mean things people say to me, they’re assholes anyways. Or, well, people shouldn’t just be divided into black and white categories of ‘good’ and ‘bad’, we’re all multifaceted. Maybe they treat me poorly because they know that I’m secretly a bad person? No, if I give people grace, shouldn’t I give myself grace too…? And my dad loves to say that “happiness is a choice” and that you can only make yourself upset. Man that always pisses me off, and he says it at the worst times too… Wait I shouldn’t think like that about my dad. He loves me and has given me so much in life and I’m an ungrateful little leech. But he told me that he loves me and he got really angry when I called myself a burden… But he scares me. His anger really scares me. I wonder why I’m not afraid of my mom, she’s the one that split my lip that one time. That was kinda fucked up. I guess because she listens to me more. But she still misgenders me. My dad doesn’t, but I did have to tell him that I’d rather be dead than be a woman for him to take me seriously. I wish I didn’t have to say that. I wish I could tell them how horribly I feel all the time. I should go to therapy. But the thought of speaking to another therapist is so scary, my last one sucked… What was I originally thinking about? Oh yeah right, that mean thing that person I never liked said about me. Man I fucking hate them. But have they done anything for me to hate them? …not really, but I still can’t stand them. And now I’m thinking about them more… but I can’t just block out what they said. And venting about it just makes me think about it more�� Ugh. I wish I had been more brave. The next time they make fun of me I’m gonna let them have it… No, I won’t. I’m too much of a coward to stand up for myself. And as much as I pretend to be callous and careless, I don’t really want to hurt others. But I really just want to be left alone…

I hate when I can’t find the right words and the right way to put them together. While talking, while writing—it’s like writer’s block but worse. Like a full word block. Can’t get my thoughts across, can’t get my feelings across

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honeystwiggypeach · 2 years ago

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hi i hope you dont mind but if you're not that busy is it okay if you write this? huhu thank you!

reader telling jjk men (geto, gojo, nanami, toji, choso) that they are preggo and they've been trying for a few years already and are already thinking of surrogacy. please please please this can be months after they have a miscarriage too!

a rainbow baby! 😭

Hi hon!!! Sorry this came so late I got a bit caught up with school than my mom and aunts wanted to have dinner so that’s what I did today! Tysm for the request! I try to remain as respectful as possible when I write requests like this or about sensitive topics so pls tell me if I misphrase or say anything poorly so I can correct it!!

Ps. I didn’t do choso because idk his personality well and I don’t know if I’m confident in writing him😭

Tw- mentions of past miscarriages, rainbow baby, infertility, surrogacy, anything mentioned in the request, grief, (in Geto’s people besides parents try and explain death and miscarriage to the twins so reader gets upset)in gojos the pregnancy is both unplanned and not known about, birth, pregnant reader if your uncomfortable with anything relating to loosing a child/pregnancy I advise that you do not read this one! Pls let me know if I missed anything!!

Geto

He took it hard, he loved the twins with his whole heart he truly did but he missed having babies to look after, maybe it was just baby fever but he felt like your little family wasn’t quite complete.

Unfortunately when you’d found the missing piece, it didn’t work out, unfortunately in your second trimester you had miscarried. You and Geto were both devastated, and everyone for a while everyone treated the two of you as ticking time bombs ready to explode at any moment.

The girls didn’t quite understand, they knew that they were supposed to have a sibling soon and now they weren’t going to but that was it, they couldn’t comprehend it yet and the amount of times you both had to stop people from explaining it to them horrified you.

This time when you’d fallen pregnant, you decided that maybe you two should keep this one a bit secret just in case, so when you’d first told Geto it was in the safety of your bedroom you’d sat beside him your hands behind your back before quickly pulling out the test.

“Are you serious” his voice is a bit quiet as it crackles.

You were his only weak spot, of course besides his children…but of course he would never let you know that…not like it was obvious or anything. He practically sobs when you give him a little nod, he lets out the same quiet muffled sobbing noise when he sees his son for the first time laid on your chest.

Gojo

Honestly it hurt you a lot. His family was really into the idea of you carrying a biological heir, but sometimes it felt like you just weren’t capable of doing so. Honestly you’d started to even look into surrogacy because you couldn’t handle all the unfortunate things that continued to happen every time you would even talk about pregnancy.

When you’d been getting intense abdominal cramps you decided maybe you shouldn’t test it and checked yourself into the hospital, where you found out you were in labour, within the hour Gojo had arrived to see you sat up in the hospital bed with the cutest little baby girl laid on your chest. You smile dazedly as he stares down at the two of you in wonder.

“She’s real” he whispers as he touches the little fluffy whisper of hair she has. His fingers just barely graze her scalp and she scrunches and thats what triggers his tears.

Nanami

It was just bad news after bad news, it was beginning to feel like maybe you shouldn’t have a baby at all. Of course when Nanami had heard you mutter this one night after you’d talked about trying for a baby again, he smiled guiltily, “if this doesn’t work there’s surrogacy or even adoption” he knows that you don’t want either of those, you want what everyone else is able to have, he can hear the way you cry in the bathroom after another negative test about how unfair it is and how cruel the world can be.

But this time there’s no crying no shouts of how unfair it is, there’s silence and Nanami at first thinks you’ve fallen and hurt yourself but when he hears your squeal he knows that isn’t the case.

He pushes the door open softly to see you holding the test you smile up at him as you show him the two little pink lines, “it’s positive” you tell him and it takes a moment to register but when it does he’s got a wide smile as he bends down softly peppering kisses along your face.

Toji

He was rather reserved already but after you’d lost the baby, it became worse. Toji not only was reserved but he was reclusive, not eating dinner with you and Megumi not even greeting you anymore.

He’d come out at night and creep around the house to avoid seeing you two, he didn’t understand how to process the loss and had resorted to cutting off the world while he grieved.

One of these nights however he’s not quiet enough and you flicker on the lights, Toji is stood over the sink as he chugs down tap water.

“Toji” you call out, “Will you come to bed?” And when he lays down beside you it feels like heaven. He’s wrapped in your warm embraces as you whisper soft reassurances he doesn’t tell you that your comfort and soft touch made him cry long after you fell asleep.

Almost a year after that, you’d fallen pregnant, and Megumi was the one to help you tell him as he pranced around the house all day in a tee shirt that said big brother on it.

Honestly it was adorable and you loved seeing little Megumi be so happy when his dad furrowed his brows holding his boy up by the armpits to get a good look at what his shirt said glancing down to your belly than back to Megumi before his eyes meet yours.

“You’re serious?” He asks still holding up Megumi.

You give him a little nod paired with a nervous giggle and he sets Megumi down softly going over to hug you as Megumi continues to stomp around the kitchen.

If anyone wants to see anything else pls let me know!! Omg guys!!! Do you want to see reader and maybe like teen Megumi?(reader is with Toji, but maybe like reader being a mom figure to Megumi and while he’s got a fever he unintentionally calls her mama, which he hadn’t done since he was really young?? And Toji like hugging reader a bit when she cries because she misses him being a baby and being affectionate???? I’m gonna sob someone request it pls???)

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petitprincess1 · 2 years ago

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I’ve had a wee look on the twitter page to get a better read I’d the tweets and personally I don’t see any bullying in the messages she shared? I get the poor communication part but it looked like the two folk in charge seemed to try accommodate her and not make her as stressed? Granted they shouldn’t of did it the way they did but I don’t think it’s a big deal the way it’s being out to be. And again we don’t know what happened in person. But she defo shouldn’t off dragged the other two people into this it’s so wrong and makes her look bad. And sharing legal stuff in something that’s technically ongoing from the looks of stuff doesn’t help her either.

As well it always seems to be brought up around the time there’s big news for HH or HB. Like surely Spindle horse (correct me if I’m wrong) isn’t that big a company yet to not be held to consequence if they are treating workers very poorly? If they were a influential company then sure but they are still a small indie one so if there were serious issues it would surely be dealt with quickly right? And as well I’ve seen more praise than negatives for the studio. Not saying it’s perfect no where is but I feel like people just expect it to be a dream to work for and when they realise how stressful it is and the workload is a lot harder than previously thought they don’t understand that they can’t just go their own pace when there’s deadlines needing met and delaying stuff only happens for exceptional circumstances.

Either way the team appeared to try and accommodate her and whilst it could of been worked out better the effort was there and as well they have their own deadlines to meet so they need to find ways to do it.

To answer your question, yes, Spindlehorse is a small, indie company that was created by Vivzie. And fully agree with this.

#long post #ask answered #hazbin hotel #ok 2 rb

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inomios · 4 years ago

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Eight types of love II Levi Ackerman

Summary: “There are eight types of love, and even though his life has been full of pain since the very beginning, he could say he experienced them all.”

Genre: Angst and Fluff

Word count: + 5k

Author note: This is the first thing I’ve ever published and I’m really nervous, so I would really appreciate if you reblogged, liked and commented. Also, English is not my first language, so I’m sorry for any mistakes. Constructive criticism is really appreciated.

. . . .

1. AGAPE or Selfless love

His mother would tell him everyday that she loved him with everything she had, even though it was not a lot. He asked his mother what love was, what meant loving someone. She couldn’t explain it with exact words, she would tell him that love meant caring deeply for someone, even more than for yourself. She loved him and he loved her, that much was true. He asked if he could love more than one person, his mom told him that yes, you could love many people in your life and in different ways. Then, he proceeded to ask if she had ever loved anyone else besides him, she was quiet, like she was thinking the right answer and after a few minutes she said that she had or at least she thought she did, but she had never loved someone as much as she loved him. Love was a confusing thing for him and the more he asked, the more unclear it got.

The only thing he was sure of was that the only thing she loved was her mother. However, curious as he was, he would ask her questions about it all the time.

‘Is love the best thing in the world?’

‘Yes, Levi, it is the only thing that makes life worth it.’

‘Is love always good?’

‘Not always, sometimes it makes you sad.’

‘I don’t wanna be sad. I won’t love anyone else but you.’

‘You can’t choose who you love, sweetie.’

‘Love sucks.’

‘You will get it when you grow up.’

‘I’m already a grown-up.’

He tried to get it, but he couldn’t. He prided himself of being smart, his mom would always tell him that he was really clever and witty for his age. Then, how come he wasn’t able to understand love. It was just a four-letter word: L-O-V-E, it couldn’t have such a deep meaning. ‘Door’ had also four letters and it wasn’t hard to understand and ‘Scandalous’, pretty much the biggest word for him, had ten letters and he knew what it meant, he could even use it in a phrase.

His mom, noticing that he was about to collapse trying to figure out what has love, tried to come up with the best possible definition, one that would please his five-year old son.

‘Love is a selfless thing. Love means giving everything you have, to make the other person happy and content, even though you may not get back all you give. When you love someone, you only what the best for them. It can cause you pain too but loving someone and being loved back is one of the best things we can experience as humans. We may not have a lot, Levi, but we have each other and more important, we love one another and that makes us privileged.’

He understood it then, kind of, so the questions stopped.

However, when his mother’s body laid lifeless in bed, he regretted not making one last question: ‘if you died, do you think anyone would ever love me, mom?’

Later, when he was under Kenny’s wing and after Kenny had left him at his own, he soon found an answer: no one would.

2. PHILIA or Affectionate love

After his mother’s death, after Kenny, after everything, he thought that love was out of his reach, something he could never have again. Then Isabel and Farlan happened.

Every single day since his mother died, he would ask himself if he would love again and if someone would love him back. However, at the same time, he wanted to know nothing about love, love brought pain and he had already suffered enough for a lifetime. He sometimes thought that he had an emptiness inside, a big hole where his heart should be, a room so big that no one could ever fill.

After his mom came Kenny, but he was sure he did not love him, at least not like he had loved his mother, and he was sure as hell Kenny did not love him back. Love was supposed to be selfless and caring and Kenny was selfish and did not give a damn about him, he proved him that when he left him alone, again.

Loneliness was a feeling he was already used to but being used to it didn’t mean he liked it. Then again, who would be dumb enough to love him? And he knew better than to love someone who would end up leaving him, like his mother did, like Kenny did.

Well, maybe he did love Kenny, but loving him was painful. While loving his mother was sweet, freeing and it brought him solace and comfort; loving Kenny was toxic and tough, when he thought about it, it troubled him. He gave him a home and he taught him how to survive in the Underground, he didn’t know why, but he raised him, and Kenny never did something freely, he was sure something was missing there, but he didn’t know what. It was stupid of him to think that he cared about him, but a little white lie never hurt anyone. Loving Kenny, seeing him as the paternal figure he never had, filled him with turmoil and changed the way he perceived love.

Love was weakness, it could bring you to your knees, he had learned that. It was pointless, why would you commit to something that would inevitably bring you sorrow? He wasn’t about to make the same mistake again, he knew better, the only person who would stay with him was himself and that wasn’t about to change.

Then Isabel and Farlan walked into his life. Well, Farlan walked, Isabel stumbled.

They became family. He knew better but he couldn’t help it. They were thick as thieves, literally. Suddenly, they became the family he yearned for since his mother died. He loved them with everything he had. Loving them was selfless as his mother said, he wanted the best for them, he wanted to see them happy, no matter the price. However, it was a different kind of love, it was pure affection. It wasn’t the adoration he had for his mother, nor the rage he felt for Kenny. It was tender and sweet, he never had a brother or a close friend to care about while growing up, but he thought it was supposed to feel like that, it had to be like that. It had to be another type of love. His mother told him that love was never the same, it had different shapes and, for him, at that moment love had Isabel and Farlan’s shape.

Sadly, nothing good lasts forever, at least not for him. Love causes pain and brings you to your knees, he shouldn’t have forgotten that. When he saw Isabel’s head laying on the floor surrounded by a puddle of her own blood, mouth agape, eyes wide open and pale face, he fell to his knees. He saw a supercut of him, Isabel and Farlan, all the good times, all the laughs they shared and all the stories they still had to write but they would never be able to do because they weren’t there, not anymore, they were gone like his mother, like Kenny. He was alone again.

Love always brought him to his knees and he would never forget it again. He wasn’t made for love; the same way love wasn’t made for him.

3. LUDUS or Playful love

Meeting you happened out of pure coincidence, being in the right place at the wrong time.

He had come from a long mission and he was completely and utterly fine, seriously, but Hange loved to make a big deal out of everything. Well, maybe he had an injury, but a minor one, nothing that he couldn’t take care of himself. He spent years in the Underground, he didn’t need a doctor, he could stitch himself up and place his bones back in place. However, Hange didn’t think the same and was nagging him about getting his injuries checked, so there he was, in one of the infirmary’s bed, waiting for the head doctor.

It wasn’t that he was scared of doctors or “hospitals”, he just didn’t like the idea of some stranger touching him or feeling hopeless and powerless, he didn’t like feeling like he needed help or advice, he could do it pretty much on his own. But Hange didn’t really trust his medical abilities and he knew that arguing with her was pointless.

‘Doctor Brunner couldn’t come since he is busy with some paperwork, so he sent me. I’m his trainee y/n y/ln.’

‘I’m not letting some failed attempt of medic treat my wounds.’

It wasn’t what people would call a ‘meet cute’ moment, it was more like a ‘meet jerk’. He wasn’t the best dealing with people, nor that he wanted to be, he preferred it that way. If you had been any other person, you wouldn’t have bitten back, but you had a sharp tongue and weren’t scared of him. That was probably what drew him in, he was so used to people recoiling in fear when they saw him that having someone that actually fought back was quite alluring.

‘Well, this failed attempt of a doctor knows more than you ever will, so act your age, stop being a bitch and let me tend your injuries.’

‘You have some nerve talking to me like that.’

‘You have some nerve coming to my workplace to insult me.’

During that first encounter none of you said much to each other. He wasn’t fond on talking and you didn’t like his attitude, so you didn’t try to strike a conversation. He had to admit that you were good at you job, you tended him with care and you knew what you were doing, not that he would tell you, at least not yet.

‘Well, not so bad for a failed attempt of a doctor.’

It was the closest thing to a compliment he could say, and it looked like you knew, because he swears that he saw you smile a little.

‘Aren’t you a pleasure to work with? The injury in your arm was pretty nasty and poorly treated, so luckily for you, you will have to drop by more times to check on you. These are my hours, if you want this failed attempt of a doctor to treat you, Captain. I could get used to see your friendly face now and then.’

He didn’t know if the last part was supposed to be interpreted as flirting, but he did come back to visit you, to keep an eye of his injury, obviously. However, if you asked Hange, she would say that you had caught his eye, he still says that at that point in your relationship you annoyed him too much to find himself interested in you.

His weekly visits turned into daily visits, so much for not liking you.

‘I’m starting to think I’ve managed to catch your attention, Captain.’

‘Tch, you’re just less annoying than the rest of the brats.’

‘Oh Captain, you really know how to make me blush.’

He lied. You did catch his attention and you both knew it. It wasn’t love, not at all, it was a gentle curiosity that grew a little bit every day, like a flower blossoming.

‘Tch, you only know to say shit with that mouth of yours.’

‘This mouth of mine knows to do a lot of things, want me show you, Captain?’

‘When you return from the expedition, you have to come to the infirmary to see your wounds and stop playing the hero, it’s bullshit.’

‘I’m starting to think you may have an obsession for doing check-ups on me, brat.’

‘You caught me, I only do them because I can’t keep my hands of you, Captain.’

‘Why do you always call me Captain? It’s annoying, I’m not your superior.’

‘I know, but I like teasing you with it, Captain.’

He cared for you more than he cared for other people in his life, he liked being with you, maybe that was another type of love. Loving his mother was selfless; loving Isabel and Farlan was affectionate; loving you, or whatever the hell he was felling, was playful, flirty and it filled him with joy.

Maybe it wasn’t love, but it was getting there.

4. MANIA or Obsessive love

Your relationship was frustrating everybody, absolutely every single person that knew about you two, everybody knew you had feelings for each other but none of you did something about it, you just kept tiptoeing around each other. It was painful to see. They didn’t know if you were oblivious, stupid, scared or if you were just messing with them, Hange believed the latter one because there was no way you two weren’t together already. The banter, the flirty remarks, the way he looked out for you and the way you took care of him.

‘What’s going on with you and y/n, Shorty?’

‘You tell me, Four-eyes’

‘Tell me the truth, y/n. Are you and Levi dating and just keeping it as a secret? Because I’m losing my mind.’

‘We aren’t dating, Hange.’

To be honest, Levi was losing his mind too. The playful game turned into something more serious, something more obsessive and he didn’t like it. He couldn’t stop thinking about you and what were you doing while he was busy with paperwork. On missions his mind wandered about your wellbeing and if you were fine. He couldn’t ignore the way his heartbeat became erratic whenever you were close to him or the way he would notice every single thing about you. He felt powerless, there was no way to stop it.

He, who always had a plan and knew to do, was helpless under something he could have prevented, or at least something he think he could have avoided. Deep down he knew that he would have fallen for you one way or another, some things are bound to happen, and love is one of them, but he didn’t want to admit that something as mundane as love could outpower him in his own life.

He was aware of how you felt about him, you weren’t scared to be vocal about it and it drove him mad, and by the way his stoic eyes would gleam and glisten while looking at you, you were certain it was mutual. He knew that if he said the word or gave you signal, you’d be his and he’d be yours, but he couldn’t give you what you wanted, and it was a matter of time before you got tired of him. You were young and beautiful, one the most outstanding creatures he had ever seen, you could do better than him and you’d realize soon enough. Life was too short to waste it on him.

‘What are you waiting for, Levi? Do something about it because it’s getting painful to watch.’

‘Get off my fucking case, Four-eyes.’

Everyone was waiting for him to do something, but he couldn’t. In those moments he remembered the question he wasn’t able to ask his mother: ‘if you died, do you think anyone would ever love me, mom?’ His mother loved him, and she died, just like Isabel and Farlan, he couldn’t love you, because he’ll end up losing you, the same way he lost everyone else.

He was loveless.

But you weren’t, and you found someone to do what he couldn’t do, someone to love you like you deserved.

He didn’t know a lot about them. You looked happier and that was all he cared about. He thought that seeing you with another person would calm his heart and his desires, but they only got worse, there was no way of forgetting about you. You were everywhere.

‘C’mon Levi, do something.’

‘Didn’t I tell you to drop it, Hange?’

His visits stopped but you kept waiting for him, hoping he would come to his senses. You didn’t get it, you really didn’t. He had the opportunity, he could have taken the chance to be with you, but he didn’t, so you moved on, or tried to, you didn’t love your partner, but you could see yourself falling in love with them. However, you still missed Levi, not as a potential lover, but as a friend. The way he erased you from his life as you were nothing broke your heart. What did he want from you?

He wanted everything. He wanted all of you and yet he couldn’t do anything about it. He was just frozen in time while you kept moving. He met your partner, they came to visit you once, they were gentle and loving, they looked at you like you were the brightest star in the firmament. They held your hand and kissed your lips. They did all the things he wanted to do. He was jealous, but he didn’t have the right to say something, he had never had the right.

The way he looked at you made you feel guilty, like you were betraying him, and you were so confused and annoyed and angry and mad, and you really wanted to punch him in the face. So, you went to his room that night and stormed in.

‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’

‘I should be asking that, I’m not the one barging in someone else’s room with no previous invitation.’

He had never seen you like that, so mad and full of rage and it was all directed to him and he knew it was his fault.

‘What do you want of me, Levi?’

He wanted everything.

He wanted you.

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. Could you please stop making me lose my time?’

He saw it in your face, that was the last straw.

‘You’re selfish, an asshole, a prick and a lot of other things. But above it all, you’re a fucking coward, so much for Humanity’s Strongest. For fucks sake, Levi, I loved you, I still do, but I can’t keep waiting for someone who is too scared to do something about it. I want you and you want me too. What’s stopping you?’

He remembered again, the question he never had the chance to ask: ‘if you died, do you think anyone would ever love me, mom?’

You loved him and you weren’t scared of it. But he was, and you were about to leave the room. You turned your back on him and it was now or never. He had to choose: would he let you walk away definitely of his life or would he do something?

For once, he didn’t think, he didn’t listen to his head, he listened to his heart. For so long he made himself believe that he didn’t have a heart, but his heart was right there, beating for you.

He kissed you and you kissed him back.

‘Mine.’

‘Yours.’

5. EROS or Passionate love

You both were private people, you didn’t want people talking about your relationship during its first stages, what you had was precious and new and you wanted to protect it from the world a little longer. That’s why no one really knew about the whole ordeal, well, they knew that something had shifted because you could be in the same room without making everyone uncomfortable with your unsolved issues, but they couldn’t pinpoint what had exactly changed, they just guessed that you sorted everything out, finally.

However, Hange did know what changed. She prided herself on knowing Levi, after many years working with him she had learned that Levi only talked through his body language, so she started paying attention to what his body said instead of listening to the words he spewed. Therefore, when she asked him if he was dating you and he said a short no, he knew he was lying. She noticed how he seemed more at ease, how you had broken up with your partner, the way he would gravitate towards you and that when he looked at you, his eyes weren’t filled with longing and remorse, they were shinier and less cold than usual. So, she obviously knew that something was up, but she kept quiet. She may talk way too much, and people could find her annoying, but at the end of the day she was a good friend, and she would respect that neither of you wanted to make things public.

Keeping things private was harder than he originally thought, he was distant and cold to everyone, but he couldn’t be cold and distant with you when you made him burn inside and he could only think about holding you close. It was weird for him, he had spent so many years deprived of touch that he couldn’t imagine himself getting addicted to it, but he was wrong, so wrong.

You knew that Levi was touch starved, you didn’t need to be a genius to notice. When you picked up his body language and started hearing about his childhood, everything came together: his mother died when he was very young, the most paternal figure he had was toxic and abusive to him and since Isabel and Farlan he didn’t let anyone in easily. Levi wasn’t used to someone doting him and you knew that if you started showering him with affection, it would probably scare him off a little, and that was the last thing you wanted. So, you started slowly: holding hands, gentle caresses, kisses in his cheek, hugs, light pecks on the lips and when you saw that he started getting more comfortable, things started scaling on their own, you let him mark the pace. It wasn’t a quick process, but it was worth it.

After a few months, Levi couldn’t keep his hands of you and he surely didn’t want you to keep your hands off him. This was a new kind of love, at first, on the early stages of your relationship it was playful, but then it evolved into something more passionate: quick pecks turned into open mouthed kisses; holding hands innocently turned into holding you close while you came undone under him again and again; kisses now went lower and lower, exploring new parts of you that he hadn’t seen and that no one else would. He didn’t think that touch could mean so much to him, but it did now, and he knew that couldn’t ever go back to a touchless life where you wouldn’t be there to love him.

6. PHILAUTIA or Self-love

He wasn’t neither deaf, blind or stupid. He could hear what people had to say about your relationship, how you deserved better than him; he could see his reflection on the mirror and how he wasn’t beautiful, at least not as much as you, he wasn’t the male that would make people swoon and he knew that you could have any man or female you wanted, but you chose him, out of every other person, you decided to be with him. He was a lucky bastard and you didn’t make good decisions, what a match.

You would look at him like he held the stars in the sky, and you would touch him like he was about to disappear in any moment, as if he were a dream you were afraid to wake up from. He didn’t get why him, he wasn’t the most handsome, nor the nicest, nor the easiest to love, and you still decided to keep him around. He liked to think that he was smart or cleverer than the average, and yet he couldn’t grasp his head around that the fact you loved him and just him, and that was it, it was as simple as that.

Whenever you heard the things people said about your partner, you went feral, because you knew all those comments fueled the self-hate Levi had. Being loveless for so long it obviously affected the perception he had of himself and you wanted to change that, because he deserved it, he deserved all the happiness in this dull world. He liked to play strong, but you saw through him, and even though he never acted upon them, it hurt him. You wished he could see himself through you eyes, because it caused you pain the mere idea of him thinking less of himself, that he wasn’t worthy of your love.

You would tell him every day how much you loved him, as if you were reciting a prayer to your own god.

‘I love you.’

‘You’re beautiful.’

‘I could stare at you for the rest of my life.’

‘I don’t know what I would do without you.’

You would tell him that he needed to love himself, see the good inside of him, he guessed that that was one the types of love he had yet to discover: self-love. He didn’t see himself capable of loving himself nearly the half of how much you loved him.

‘You know one reason why you should love yourself, because you make me the happiest I’ve ever been.’

He didn’t love himself, not yet, but if he was able to make you smile like that, he couldn’t be that unworthy of you.

7. STORGE or Familiar love

He had been avoiding love for as long as he could remember, and then you burst into his life with the force of a typhoon. Love had found him, and he couldn’t get away, you never can, it was a lesson that he had finally accepted.

For so long he saw love as something unnecessary, a burden for the soul. Love ruins you, it stabs you on the back, whenever he let his walls down, love would always take advantage of it and destroy him, bringing him closer to insanity, he had lost himself too many times by loving people and when he met you, he did not want the cycle to repeat itself. He didn’t want more Kuchels, Kennys, Isabels and Farlans, love was merciless, and he wasn’t interested in it, at least that was what he told to himself every day, that he was better off alone. Was all the pain worth it? He thought love came with a high price and he couldn’t afford it. However, things change, life happens, destiny has always something in the store, well, in his case he had someone.

You were his everything, the beacon that brought light in his life, for so long he had been lost, walking amongst shadows, nearly becoming one, and when you appeared you changed the rules of the game, of his game. Every wall he had built around himself came down and you filled every gap his heart was missing. It was the scariest thing he had ever done, letting you in, letting someone in, giving someone else the control of his own heart. You knew the power you held between your hands and you never abused it. You were his solace in this mad world, the oasis in the middle of the desert.

Loving him was not easy, he knew it, he was rude, sharp, too closed off, mean, he was what people liked to call a ‘fucking jerk’ and yet you never gave up on him, on what you had. Instead of leaving when you had the chance, you stayed through thick and thin: through sleepless nights, through his bad moods and grumpiness, through his biting remarks… .You didn’t ran way, you were too stubborn for that, instead you taught him more forms of love.

You were all of the ones he knew and more.

You were selfless, giving him every part of you and loving him with everything you had to offer.

You were his best friend, his companion, the better half of him.

You were playful, joyous, probably the only thing that could make him smile and bring him happiness.

You were consuming, like a fire burning inside of him.

You were passionate, intoxicating.

You were every form of love he had ever experienced, but nothing could have ever prepared him for the kind of love he was experiencing in that moment: the familiar one. The one you feel when you hold your newborn in your trembling hands. It was something he couldn’t describe, there weren’t words for it, he tried to, but he failed every single time.

This was the way his mom loved him, and then he knew how much he had meant for his own mother. While holding little Kuchel on his arms, he remembered all those days and nights on that dirty brothel, all the hours he spent by his mother’s side, how she would do everything to give him the best life and he soon realized there was nothing in this world he wouldn’t do for his daughter. It wasn’t the best of times to have a child, but in that moment, in that precise instant, when Kuchel opened her grey eyes, he was sure of one thing: he would tear everything and everyone down only to see her smile.

A knock on the door. Another one. Two minutes passed and then Hange, followed by Erwin, entered in the room.

‘Tch, Shitty-glasses, who gave you permission to come in?’

‘My authority as a god-mother.’

‘Don’t make me regret it.’

‘She’s beautiful, what’s her name?’

‘Her name is Kuchel.’

Kuchel was his new world, he loved her so much that it was overwhelming, he would never love someone as much as he loved her, and no one would probably love with the same devotion Levi Ackerman loved his daughter.

‘You know, Kuchel, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I promise you that you will have the best life a man like me can give you. I may be a little cold, perhaps a little strict and you will probably get mad at me sometimes, but no matter what happens, I will love you through everything. And by the way, no dating until I’m dead because no brat will be good enough for you. You deserve the world Kuchel and I’ll give you everything it has to offer. Things may get hard, you aren’t born in the best circumstances, but I’ll protect you because you deserve the life I couldn’t live.’

Kuchel’s first word was ‘dadda’.

Kuchel’s first steps were pointed towards his father.

Kuchel’s favorite pastime was being in his father’s arms.

Kuchel could only sleep after his father had kissed her forehead.

And Kuchel would never love someone as much as he loved his father, because she loved him as much as he loved her.

8. PRAGMA or Enduring love

He was old and wrinkly, he was scarred, mutilated and there were days he couldn’t sleep because the nightmares were too real. But he was happy, he was married to the most beautiful and special person he had ever met, he had a loving daughter, a bunch of brats he was proud to call grandchildren and the tea shop he had always dreamed about.

Life hadn’t been fair to him. He had lost so many people he cared about, he had fought a war and he had had the weight of the world on his shoulders. But, after all, after the tortures, the adversities, the deaths… He had people who loved and whom he loved.

Love was worth it. He had finally learned that.

At his seventies he found out about the last kind of love, the enduring, the one that lasts and survives in time. He loved his family above everything, and he would love them long after his bones turn into ashes and no one remembers his name.

Then he recalled that question he never got to ask his mother: ‘if you died, do you think anyone would ever love me, mom?’

He looked at the sky and smiled.

‘After all someone was fool enough to love me mom, who would have thought?’

A gentle breeze caressed his skin and a single tear fell from his eye.

‘I guess that’s the way you have of answering the question.’

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