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thedeviljudges · 3 years ago

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yohan + physical tough + trauma response

disclaimer: this is based off of eps 1-7, and preview of ep 8; i wholeheartedly recognize that this post may become the worst meta ever depending on how the rest of the show goes. however, i do think there are still some interesting things to note about yohan. a lot of this is also me just talking shit out as i was sifting through all the eps again. i’m more than willing to change my mind or hear other thoughts.

also i kinda, sorta, unnecessarily included all of the moments of yohan and any physicality. a lot of them are not super important, but i do think they help draw a distinction in how he reactions when surprised, alone and around other people.

so, here’s a long ass post that is literally 99% me bullshitting, lmao.

so i wanted to delve more into yohan’s response to physical touch by way of trauma. while i know a lot of us have pieced it together, i think it’s pretty cool to lay it all out visually because i think there’s much more justification for his reactions; not to say it makes it right, but it does really flesh out a fundamental part of his characterization that i think is highly, highly important to understand.

yohan lives on the cusp for reckless behavior, almost as if he doesn’t care whether he lives or dies. the car chase, running through industrial buildings where safety isn’t a concern, etc.

episode one

the first time we see an instance of his disinterest in physical touch is when he first meets gaon. he actually offers him his hand, but the way he goes about it isn’t a handshake. he almost looks hesitant, and then he squeezes and does not shake. it’s truly a split second gesture out of formalities. granted, he’s just met someone he thinks looks like isaac, and might be in a little bit of… not shock, but certainly distracted.

later in the episode, yohan is in an abandoned building with homeless people. he’s checking people’s wrist, but he’s quick about leaving them alone. until, a homeless man comes up behind him and grabs him. in response, yohan swings his arm to knock him off. then, he punches him, steps on him and decides whether he’s worth the effort. again, granted, no one likes to be surprised in a creepy situation like this, so his response? kinda understandable at this point.

next is the scene where yohan catches gaon in his office, where he pushes him against the bookshelf and kinda, more or less, comes off as a bit luring. we know yohan knows gaon’s lying, but a couple of things here. yohan initiated the physical contact, and he did it because of the suspicious nature of gaon. yohan also knows how to use his power and charms to catch people off guard, and i think really, he was messing with gaon when he brushed his shirt and asked him if he lived alone. gay as fuck, lmao, but i also see it as an intimidation tactic, in a way.

i could also pose a couple of theories aside from intimidation if we wanted to squint:

yohan is still in a state of awe of gaon’s resemblance to isaac. he’s not heard his voice or been around the other man for at least 10 years, and now there’s tangibility at his fingertips.

if we want to look at it from the gay perspective, gaon is clearly intriguing to yohan, and as i’ll note further down in this post about yohan in relation to physical touch, i’m sure it could be assumed that this is one of the first people in a long time that yohan has an interest in making a connection with. however, because of his upbringing, it’s clear he does’t necessarily know how to connect with people (ie. ep 7 trying to connect with elijah, eps 1-6 with him trying to non-verbally tell gaon that he has bigger plans than what’s in front of his face. his admission in ep 5 about being monster). more or less, he knows his charms can be used, but when it comes to actually flirting and/or liking someone? it’s left to be addressed, but could be assumed he’s just as awkward about it as when we see him at home.

we also see a small instance of him letting someone dress him. there’s still touch involved, but it’s very clear what the intention is. he has control over the situation, and it’s not a surprise.

the next time he engages in physical touche, again, he initiates it because he’s in control, and it’s meant to be comforting, to an extent.

and then to round everything off, we actually see him reaching for isaac, who is actually gaon in the court scene, but you know storytelling and all that. he reaches for him both in the courtroom and within a flashback.

him reaching out for isaac seems to be a motif within the show as it happens later on, of which i’ll point out.

episode two

we see him initiate a handshake again. at first, to gaon, and then with jinjoo. controlled situation.

later on in the episode is when we see our first glimpses of batshit crazy yohan, an absolute delight and fav, lmao. he actually reaches out to the spoiled kid, and it’s clearly to legitimize intimidation and a position of power.

okay look, i’m not even gonna front, this was a cute scene. when jinjoo gets out of the car, he checks to make sure she’s okay, and they have this moment before they go onto the red carpet where they smile at each other. yohan is confirming she’s okay, and she agrees. again, controlled, and i don’t know for certain if yohan is more comfortable around women, or it’s just mere fact that he doesn’t always have a problem with touch when the situation is safe. he actually lets her take his arm further on in the scene, and yes, it is a public display of niceties, and he knows that.

so in the midst of this happening, we get the ‘devil child’ story. and i want to make note of the bird scene because i do think it’s important to note that people yohan cares for, he’s willing to go to the ends of the earth to protect them. yes, they’re children in school, but the girl next to him is the only one who showed him an ounce of kindness, and yohan is proven to remain loyal to those he loves or trusts in some capacity.

of course, he ends up pitting the rich and the poor kids against one another for their betrayal and making him an outcast. in yohan’s mind, what he did wasn’t necessarily wrong because his sense of justice is based on protection and when people wrong him or those he loves, it’s seeking justice on their behalf or making the situation better - not in the technically right way, but right to him. yohan comes across as a fixer and problem solver.

yohan has a very, very strong sense of trust and loyalty, and we can assume that stems from isaac, who clearly tried to protect yohan from his father, who went out of his way to do so as best as he could as a young kid. yohan values loyalty not because he necessarily wants lap dogs and people to do his bidding. it comes from a place of love and security he’s never really had.

anyway, back to the gala with jinjoo, he does shake the minister’s hand. again, controlled. there are cameras. he also puts his arm around her, and that’s mainly because it’s a battle of the wills, and she’s trying to reprimand him, lol, as if she could. he hugs her a little hard and a little enthusiastically, and you can clearly tell it’s for show.

and then he dances with both jinjoo and sunah. and there is a stark difference between these two scenes. yohan actually teaches jinjoo the proper placement for where she should rest her hands and how to move. he’s actually having a good time with her, and again, it’s actually really cute.

with sunah, he’s reluctant and definitely on guard. he can tell from her demeanor that her intent is with purpose trying to get close to him. at this point in the story, he probably sees it as sunah coming onto him and not because she’s actually the maid from when they were children. when sunah reaches up to whisper in his ear, you can really tell he doesn’t like her being that close to him at all especially because her words may not be overly threatening, but there is purpose behind them, which means yohan’s guards are up. he physically removes her hand and than blatantly turns her down: she tells him that enjoying things alone isn’t fun, and he counters it by saying he’s having a lot of fun.

so at this point to reduce on some screen caps, he meets the minister’s family, has handshakes with her husband and the kid he went after to essentially beat up his car with a mallet, lmao. the handshake is quite funny because they both know what happened. yohan is in control, and that kid is shaking in his boots.

then the explosion happens, and of course, it makes sense that yohan helps gaon after he’s hurt. gaon has never been a threat to yohan, and it’s clear yohan’s not heartless whatsoever, but it’s also poignant to note that gaon helped saved yohan’s life, thus starting yohan’s journey of loyalty to gaon. i think he’s always had his sight set on gaon to begin with, possibly long before he even became an associate judge, but if this was a test, gaon passed it with flying colors because if gaon can rescue a little girl, and he can help an old man who fell off his bike, would he really go the lengths to save yohan who has shown him time and time again his sense of justice is different?

episode three

yohan reacts negatively to soohyun and within good reason when she questions where gaon is. he turns away because for him, the conversation is over, but for her, it’s not. to get his attention, she grabs him when he’s not paying attention, and of course he has a very adverse reaction. at this point, it can be chalked up to disrespect given the fact that he’s a head judge and she’s just a mere cop, but hindsight is 20/20. he does throw her arm off by flicking out his arm. but instead of berating her, he just tells her to catch the culprits who harmed gaon and leaves it at that.

and then of course, everyone’s favorite scene and rightfully so. yohan caring for gaon? very sexy of him. gaon is injured, poses no threat, and as i said above about yohan finding some amount of loyalty in gaon means his physical boundaries aren’t jeopardized. and for that, we get these wonderful scenes of yohan helping gaon as he heals.

and then scenes of him messing around with gaon by hitting him. truth be told, i wonder if this was something him and isaac did as young kids. anyone with siblings know how that goes. fake picking on each other? fake bickering? yeah.

and then it slowly, but surely, it’s revealed that yohan didn’t have the same upbringing as isaac did. our first instance that something at home wasn’t right wasn’t just the conversation with ms. ji and gaon. it’s the flashback with yohan reading in his room when the door opens. he hastily pretends he’s asleep, and you can see he’s visibly shaking and breathing roughly until he realizes it’s isaac who’s there to give him books.

and that’s also when we get our first glance of what kind of abuse yohan suffered from at the hands of his father. it’s clear this isn’t the only incident, and there’s been many times that isaac wasn’t around to help defend him.

it’s also very clear in how yohan acts when he’s terrified and that his abuse has gone on long enough to be a routine pattern in the house. any time he hears heavy footsteps or thinks his father is around, he visibly shakes and gets panicky.

episode four

i include this scene because it’s been noted that a lot of books yohan reads are about humans, human nature, animals, animalistic tendencies, and he says random shit like this that directly points to what he thinks about humanity and humans themselves. we notice this most prominently at the dinner with gaon and jinjoo earlier on when he describes that he likes the feel of the chew and that he cannot taste. he always mentions hunting and prey, and i think this is one of those very clear instances where he actually reveals to gaon what he truly, truly thinks; no gimmicks. this also comes into play later on in ep 6 when elijah is worried about him being out all night. yohan clearly doesn’t trust people at all. he understands their intentions, their motives and how much pain they can cause other people for their own profit and their own gain. it makes sense that he wouldn’t leave his house, especially if he has a strong sense of loyalty to isaac (even after all these years) and caring for elijah.

this is also one of the very direct moments that yohan doesn’t understand family dynamics. when it comes to people, it’s a giant chess game. not only that, later on in the episode when they’re in the car and yohan talks about how people, no matter what, are always the same in front of greed, yohan is cynical, and he expects the bad every single time.

what he reads and the way he words things (here and the discussion of him being a monster, for example) is clearly an indication that he doesn’t trust; that he cannot trust, nor does he want to at this point. yohan doesn’t understand the concept of kindness being given freely (ep 7 when he berates elijah for being used by gaon, telling her she falls for kindness every time). and yet, later on in eps, it’s clear when he’s around the right people and the right mindset (uh, gaon?? lol), he’s constantly putting up a front.

after all in ep 7 when he tells gaon that confidence is key, it literally gives him away not just in the courtroom but in his personal life. there’s a reason he looks softer at home than when he’s not there (the hairstyle changes and clothing).

basically what i’m getting at is this behavior can be seen as a defense mechanism because of his abuse.

then it’s another gala event with gaon and yohan this time. another lovely favorite where yohan helps him get dressed and then proceeds to drag him around and safe him from the lion’s den.

tbh i dont even need to include these, but i’m doing it for the indulgence.

yohan does sorta physically throw gaon as well during the rich people party, but that’s mainly to get him to shut up because he’s trying to show gaon the truth at hand and how all of it’s pretty much a farce.

later on in the episode is when we first have gaon truly attacking yohan verbally, and that’s when yohan snaps. it’s clear that isaac is a trigger for yohan, especially from someone who speaks out of line on something they know nothing about. gaon, truth be told, had a stupid moment confronting yohan the way he did. i don’t know who waltzes up to a proposed murderer and just asks them, lmao.

but here’s the thing, thus far, gaon has not entirely posed a threat to yohan. whether that’s from yohan planting gaon and guiding him exactly where he wants him or gaon just not being as thorough as yohan would like, and he’s trying to tap into that talent, is anyone’s guess. but as i said above, the one thing yohan protects is the things he does care about the most, and he tries to talk himself out of his own feelings. he constantly compares himself to an animal (again, dinner scene with gaon and jinjoo) to justify his actions, and to possibly not feel anything; because that’s easier, isn’t it? not feeling. so on top of gaon calling him a monster and a killer, confronted with the possibility about being a villain in his own brother’s story, obviously sets him off. he beats down his emotions until he’s confronted with it - and this is what gaon also meant in ep 6 about how it’s ridiculous that yohan calls himself a monster over a victim because yohan can’t even see himself in that light. not because he truly believes victims are weak necessarily, but i wonder how much he realizes that what happened to him wasn’t his fault.

to me, and as i just said, yohan convinces himself he’s a monster to make it easier for himself to belief his actions (ep 5 telling gaon some humans are born monsters in relation to himself). it’s not that he inherently thinks he’s wrong, but i think his guidance for what’s right and wrong was misconstrued without a parent figure in his life, especially if he’d read crime and law books as the focus. yohan’s actions, at least quite a bit of them are, are based on a gut feeling of right and wrong. when you think about it and your own sense of justice, how would that differ without the checks and balances in place? what punishment do you think fits the crime if we weren’t bound by written law? yohan thinks any action to protect those he loves is, more or less, justifiable because it’s a means to an end. it’s making a worng right again.

i don’t think yohan is a monster. i think his feelings, and what he knows is love, is misconstrued in terms of how to express it. we see this in episode 7 with his and elijah’s conversation where she’s just trying to be a teen, but his version of love is protecting her without, once again, understanding family dynamics and the pain points of growing up, the learning she has to do on her own. yohan might technically be right; similar to being book-smart but not necessarily street smart. his theory of telling Elijah that she’s soft for kindness and being used was true, but his delivery and the idea that that’s how humans develop doesn’t work. he’s telling her text-book rules, but people don’t live through books. they live through real life. yohan reads to get a sense of fulfillment and to learn. he’s learned his way into adulthood, but that’s not normal.

so uh anyway, back to this familiar scene:

because we don’t know the actual story of isaac’s death, it’s hard to say what role yohan played in his death, but i don’t know that i believe he was the one who did it. the entirety of the devil judge is relying on unreliable narration, so it’s difficult to gauge (for now since we’re on ep 7) how this will turn out and what happened, but to me, it really comes across as yohan upset over the insinuation that he could be the one to cause the death of the one person he loved the most. plus, i think it says a lot that he cares/loves elijah, and she was part of isaac. gaon crossed a thine line. yohan essentially welcomed him in, and this is gaon toeing it. we can also look at this is not gaon being an outsider to their family, but now has become part of the family, and so it’s easier for yohan to be ‘abusive,’ if you will, rather than the perspective of gaon still on the sidelines and pushing too far. by this i mean, the accusations made by gaon threatens their formulating family dynamics.

and once again, the only person he ever actually reaches out for is isaac.

and then we have the aftermath of yohan’s nightmare, where he’s still caught in the dream as gaon comes in, and refuses to be touched after, even if gaon’s intention is to see if he’s okay. yohan makes it very clear to gaon not to touch him, and that’s when elijah comes in with a very accusatory ‘what are you two doing?’ in this moment, yohan is not just vulnerable, but he’s emotionally sensitive. i’ve no doubt he’s still dealing with a form of sensory overload from his dream.

and then, i don’t know that this was necessary? was it necessary?

the following set of scenes are the ones where gaon tells him he’s a victim and he hasn’t confronted his own emotions about his abuse. i think yohan realizes gaon is right to some degree, but it is convoluted, and it’s not so simple to face your own traumas. however, he does for a moment after gaon leaves, remember another instance of abuse he couldn’t stop but wishes he could, wishing a parental figure of sorts would’ve come in to save him like his older self is trying to save the kid version if only he could turn back time, if only he had the power to do what he wish someone else had done for him.

and then the kidnapping scene is just. fucked up in and of itself. it actually makes my skin crawl. not because sunah is scary necessarily, but the lack of autonomy yohan has - especially when we find out later more of sunah’s story. to do something like this after what she’s suffered through makes this scene even more disturbing.

you can see the moment yohan hears heels when sunah (not knowing it’s her yet) comes in. literally the minute he knows someone’s headed his way, he checks the fuck out. his whole face goes slack, especially when sunah reveals herself. and when she’s kissing him? blank as fuck, too. it’s the most dead-eyed stare i think we’ve seen from him.

episode six

so, we get this gem from elijah that i’d like to touch on later. it’s more speculation and just me running through ideas more than it is canon fact. but what it does let us know is that yohan doesn’t seek people out. he prefers to be at home and staying there.

after we get the maid story, and we do get yohan touching sunah’s cheek, and in some fucked up twisted way, this is his way of protecting one of the things isaac cherishes the most. the point of the gesture isn’t just intimidation but serves as an act of intent, of protection in the only way yohan knows how. he’s safeguarding isaac. you can tell he doesn’t actually like sunah at all as a kid, but uses that to his advantage. imagine yohan learning violence for ‘good’ things when his father used violence for ‘bad’ things. what a twisted way of looking at it? and the irony at hand.

additionally, the main reason i’ve included so many varying scenes of yohan touching people isn’t to establish that he’s okay with being touched given how many scenes there are of him randomly shaking people’s hand or touching them. it’s all about context and what the intent is for. most often than not, really way more often than not, yohan only reaches out for people when it’s socially acceptable to do so and because it’s manners. and yet, even in some of those cases, there is still intent behind the gesture.

the moments he acts out the most are when he’s not in front of an audience, when he’s more likely to be alone with his thoughts and is exceptionally more vulnerable to his own triggers.

and i think the scene after he’s back at his house from the kidnapping is noteworthy because it doesn’t just feel like he’s shaking off the effects of the drugs he was given. he seems to visibly trying to compose himself of the mental and physical play he just had to deal with.

the next scene is yohan angry with gaon for taking elijah out. which really, he does have every right to be angry, and one thing i didn’t note above during the ��you killed your brother’ choke out scene before is that when yohan is backed into any kind of corner, he reacts like a caged animal.

because we’ve already established the scenes with his abuse, his father took his anger physically out on yohan. so how else was yohan supposed have developed the tools to express it? it’s easy to hurt the things you love the most; it’s easy to abuse the ones you know, and between gaon and himself, they both have an unhealthy dynamic because gaon is old enough, strong enough to take whatever yohan gives him. gaon is not family and so there’s still that clear divide and a distinction as to why he lays a hand on gaon but not elijah, for example. gaon can still pose a threat. elijah is family. then again, it can also be said that maybe yohan considers gaon family, and gaon betrayed elijah and therefore yohan, and you don’t do that. not with yohan’s understanding of family dynamics.

but with that said, it begs the question why yohan keeps gaon around, and i think some of that has to do with the fact that gaon surprises yohan. he might’ve set his sights on him long before he became an associate judge or maybe he took interest after gaon was chosen for the role (this is still up in the air), but deep down, yohan sees something in gaon despite his snooping, despite his righteousness. it could be the potential; it could be the fact that gaon could be better than yohan if he just allowed himself to loosen the ropes he’s tied himself with when it comes to the court of law and the justice system.

but here’s the thing that idk a lot of people have really picked up on. gaon is one side of the same coin underneath it all. he’s also provoked yohan with physicality when yohan brought up details about soohyun.

to be fair, we can say that yohan evokes a different type of anger in gaon, one that he hasn’t tapped into for years that allows him to open up to that more physical side of himself he learned to put behind him. gaon doesn’t really come across as the physically threatening type, but yohan does push his buttons and vice versa.

but then, of course, we have the big fight scene where gaon goes in on the attack, and that’s when yohan makes his threat not to attack him ever again. it’d be easy to say he says it based on the merit of him not actually attacking soohyun, but seriously speaking, the intent feels much more than that. more along the lines of asking gaon not to provoke him without warning again because next time might be bad. most of their other fights, especially the one above,have been in the midst of conversation. this time, it’s from a place of complete surprise, and you can tell yohan goes on the defensive when his first instinct is to not just throw gaon back but raise his fist to strike.

episode seven

the only physical contact yohan has with anyone is the president, and that’s when he turns on the live video of the two of them, and it’s clearly intended to be a lowkey threat. he keeps pulling the president back into his side to be on the live camera after the dude tried to come after yohan. i do think it’s hilarious that yohan manipulated the situation with a live component just as the president and the rest of the rich people thought they could turn a live court show into manipulating the public.

and then, of course, the jail scene. the part where he makes gaon stay. he also touches gaon’s shoulder later just before they leave.

episode eight

the most prominent scene in this ep is certainly the scene where sunah comes onto yohan, and you can tell she did it to get under his skin in some way. of course, he’s smart and knows she’s up to something, but i think it’s so interesting how he wraps his fists around hers, almost as if to tame her and prevent her from trying to further put her hands on him.

we also know yohan has no issue with using physical force regardless of who it is (obviously, his dialogue in this scene, too) when he feels caged or trapped. his intention is also to retrieve isaac’s necklace, and i like how he uses literally anything to his advantage. meaning, he’ll use physical touch, his mentality, etc to get what he wants or needs, even if it is marginally uncomfortable to some degree.

and i think that also says alot about him is that he’s able to displace what makes him uncomfortable in moments like this to achieve an end goal.

additional thoughts

i know this isn’t really common with a lot of the characters in general, and could be chalked up to a cultural component, but yohan’s definitely not a hugger.

the other thing i wanted to note is yohan’s seemingly adherence to touch unless it’s for good reason in relation to sex. the main reason i bring it up is because i’ve seen it discussed a bit, especially in regard to elijah’s comment about him not staying out overnight since the fire. there are a few plausible scenarios, maybe more, but for the sake of this, we’ll go for these.

yohan has had past relationships/experience or will in future episodes

day flings

he’s never had an interest in anyone before given his upbringing and abuse and therefore never sought out sex

inexperience could be from lack of interest in other people and sex itself

he’s never found anyone to really connect with and trust in such a way and has avoided it for that reason

and i bring this up mainly because i think it could be something to explore in fanon, but also because i’m kind of annoyed with how people have been talking about yohan being a virgin. i’m not quite sure what the joke is, but lack of sexual experience does not mean naive or that he doesn’t have a sense of humor when that’s clearly far from the truth:

i don’t know that people find it unbelievable because of his age, because of characterization of yohan being more dominant, but none of these things negate this being an option. i think it’s perfectly plausible of a situation (from what we know right now), and truthfully, it would make a whole lot of sense. i just don’t get the jokes about it that i’ve been seeing online (twitter) when there isn’t a mutual exclusiveness to any of it whatsoever.

yohan already has a hard time connecting with people, and i can imagine that level of physicality could be difficult. clearly he knows how to use a version of it to get what he wants. i’ve no doubt he’s used his charms in situations where he’s needed to. yohan knows he has that going for him, at the very least. but sexual appeal and jokes doesn’t mean having a body count any more than it could indicate there being one.

lastly, i also want to pull these paragraphs from @b612sunsets‘s post because i think they do a much better job than i ever could of explaining, short and sweet, a fundamental part of yohan’s characterization, and mainly what i was trying to get at with this long ass post.

“There's two things we already know about Yohan from the last 6 episodes: he hates being touched when he doesn't see it coming and doesn't have control over it because of the abuse he suffered (I assume). To name a few: Soohyun grabbing his elbow to stop him from leaving and get answers about Gaon, the beggar that touched him while he searched for the fireman, Gaon after punching him and Yohan clearly telling him to NEVER do it again. The impression it gave to us is that if there's a next time he might not be able to stop his instinctive reaction of defending himself and using violence back (something worse than choking or pushing Gaon and he doesn't want to do that with him).

“Unless it's a friendly/small/slow touch like in the breakfast scene when Gaon touches his arm when he gets up to offer them some fruits. When he had the nightmare with Isaac, his walls were up high so even if he could see Gaon's touch coming and it was friendly, he decided to stop it because he was too defensive and sensible to accept the gesture (it would be the first time Gaon started physical contact with him too, he wouldn't be ready for that in such a state).

“The second thing is that Yohan hates when people take what is his or mess with what is important to him. Again, to name a few: Sunah with the necklace when she was a maid, the fireman with Isaac's watch (Yohan made them fall from high places, not caring if they died or not), the guy that fabricated the small bombs that hurt Gaon (Yohan would have burnt his face if "K" hadn't stopped him) and Gaon taking Elijah out of the house to Soohyun without previous notice (a cop and someone he doesn't trust).”

yohan has a very, very large sense of self-preservation for himself and for those he cares about. it’s in his intention, actions, facial expressions, movements, the way he interacts with people. i find it fascinating how calculating he can be, but at home, he’s at his most vulnerable and almost socially unaware and awkward.

yohan is a bit of an irony. he understands people from an action-oriented, instinctual level, but he doesn’t necessarily understand their thoughts and emotions in the waves of nuances that people live through on the daily. like, he gets it to an extent and on a practical level, but he himself is a square trying to fit into a circle - he doesn’t always understand it for himself and has to actively work on social cues so as not to come across as the devil child he was once painted to be.

and let it not be unsaid, yohan really will go to the ends of the earth for family, even if it means stepping out of his comfort zone.

and so anyway, i doubt this offered any real insight, but i think this is my way of breaking all of this down for myself. so, tada!!! lmao

#x #the devil judge #the devil judge meta #*#*the devil judge

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wetalkinboutbooks · 5 years ago

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Empire of Sand by Tasha Suri

Summary: A nobleman’s daughter with magic in her blood. An empire built on the dreams of enslaved gods. Empire of Sand is Tasha Suri’s captivating, Mughal India-inspired debut fantasy.

The Amrithi are outcasts; nomads descended of desert spirits, they are coveted and persecuted throughout the Empire for the power in their blood. Mehr is the illegitimate daughter of an imperial governor and an exiled Amrithi mother she can barely remember, but whose face and magic she has inherited.

When Mehr’s power comes to the attention of the Emperor’s most feared mystics, she must use every ounce of will, subtlety, and power she possesses to resist their cruel agenda.

Should she fail, the gods themselves may awaken seeking vengeance…

Empire of Sand is a lush, dazzling fantasy novel perfect for readers of City of Brass and The Wrath & the Dawn. (Taken from Goodreads)

Our Ratings:

→ Geena: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

→ Kae: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Overall: A fantastic fantasy with really cool worldbuilding that we adored, and it keeps you engaged with a protagonist who does what she wants without remorse 😤 (and we love her). Also, heads up this isn’t YA persay, we’d classify it as more NA (new adult).

The Good

→ Mehr

Kae: So let’s get started with one of my favourite strong, badass female characters, Mehr. Mehr is the “bastard” daughter of a noble. Her parents were very much in love, but her mother was an Amrithi. The Amrithi people in this world, are very connected to the spirits and the Earth. But, as all ~connected~ people seem to be, they were hunted by the Ambhans because they were seen as the lowest race of people. They were seen as barbaric, heathens, and all those other mean things people say to seem inferior. As much as the Ambhan’s hated the Amrithi, they needed their blood to protect themselves from Daiva (spirits). Ambhan’s also think of themselves as the superior race so jot that down. Now let’s get back to Mehr.

Mehr is the daughter of an Ambhan noble and an Amrithi tribeswoman. The Amrithi do not marry because it will mean they are giving themselves up and breaking a vow that it literally written on their skin. It would mean they are losing a part of themself. Because Mehr’s father keeps a big ol’ cup of ‘RESPECTING WOMEN JUICE’ with him, he was like “Yeah that’s totally fine. I still love you and our children will be protected so this is fine.” So Mehr is protected, as well as her little sister Arwa. The thing is though, Mehr looks very much like the Amrithi. She has her mother's dark skin and hair, and tall figure. Her little sister looks more Ambhan, so she has a much easier time blending in. When Mehr was very young, her mother abandoned them and returned to the desert. So Mehr’s father had to remarry. Mehr’s stepmother is not kind to her at all. She is mean and petty and even forbids Mehr to see her sister, Arwa whenever she feels Mehr is being ‘disobedient’. Mehr’s stepmother, Miryam, has also raised Arwa as her own because she cannot have children. So she feels some type of ownership over Arwa.

Mehr is very aware of her Amrithi roots and continues to practice the Amrithi religion and dance her Rites whenever she gets the chance. On one particular spirit Daiva fueled stormy night, Mehr decides to dance her rites in the storm. This particular storm is called Dreamfire and it’s basically when the spirits come down to earth. While doing her Rites, she ends up lost and wanders into the city, unaccompanied (Which is a huge no-no) and finds herself at an Amrithi woman's house (whom? Has taught her the rites and her heritage, in hiding.) This grabs the attention of the Mystics and they are at her house within a few weeks. The Mystics are very powerful people who you absolutely cannot refuse or they’ll pretty much kill your whole family. So she is offered a marriage proposal and has to take it to save herself and her family. This is when she is introduced to her soon to be husband, Amun.

Geena: I loved Mehr, and Tasha Suri does a good job of using Mehr’s character with her lineage as a way to comment on colourism and caste (since the book is set in a place that is essentially the Indian subcontinent). But yeh, Kae hit all the plot points, Mehr’s constantly told to hide her amrithi self but she dgaf and does what SHE wants… though this does lead to the Mystics showing up like Kae said. I think part of the history of the Ambhan empire is that they essentially “colonized” the amrithi, and the mystics had a huge part of that since they (we learn later) use the Amrithi to harness the daiva and their powers and guide the success of the ambhan empire. SO, Mehr is forced to accept this arranged marriage, even though her father HATES that the mystics are taking away Mehr’s ability to make her own choice. Ambhans generally consider women property but when it comes to choosing marriage partners, women are given free reign to make a choice, so her dad is furious when the mystics insinuate that Mehr HAS to accept.

Mehr could’ve said no, but she thinks about it and realizes that if she doesn’t go along with the mystics they’d ruin her dad and this would ruin her younger sister’s life too. Our girl says ‘family over everything’ and jumps into the marriage, another amrithi boy (both characters are like 19 I think??). But right after the boy, Amun, is furious and Mehr can’t figure out why until he points out that now they’re bound for life!!! Mehr can’t STAND his ass, she’s like “okay but I didn’t want this either bitch” anyways this is a very slowburn type of story. Mehr quickly learns what it is the mystics do and she’s basically like “o shit.” SO LIKE, we learn that Amun has been under the mystics since he was a kid, and he essentially had accepted his fate that ‘I will live and die working for them’ but then Mehr shows up and learns everything, and our girl is quick-witted and isn’t about to take shit lying down. I LOVE how she essentially is a beacon of hope, even when her mother abandoned them and she was stuck with a shitty stepmom it didn’t stop her from embracing her roots and living life how she wanted. AND!!! Despite her stepmom’s threats she didn’t say away from Arwa and taught Arwa almost everything she knew. Mehr had rules laid out for her but she was like “lmao fuck that” and did what she felt like doing. She’s also really sweet, she learns all about Amun and manages to befriend other people under the mystics, which backfires but you kno. You win some, you lose some. Mehr is truly that bitch and gave Amun hope, and together they fought for their freedom.

ALSO, I should add that I like how Mehr doesn’t make dumbfuck decisions like everything that goes wrong isn’t necessarily her fault (other than her few slip-ups rip) but like she isn’t a dumbass so I found solace in that.

→ Amun

Kae: Amuuuun. Amuun. Amun. I liked him a lot. He’s just this very quiet, handsome young man who is TRYING HIS BEST. He like, initially stays away from Mehr because he is resisting an order from the Maha. Basically, if the Maha tells Amun to do something, he HAS to do it, or he starts to suffer. It’s because when Amun was first forced to join the Maha and his religious cult, Amun had to take a vow (which is very literal and serious for Amrithi and is literally carved into their skin) to always obey the Maha. Amun has his own way or obeying the Maha. He rebels in the smallest way he can and I don’t think he even realized how much he was rebelling. It was just natural to him. He does what the Maha asks of him but in his own way. But yes, Amun was very standoffish towards Mehr. He was kind of afraid to get close to her because neither of them wanted to get married, but for Amun, it was a vow he was instructed to do. For Mehr, it was saving herself and her family. So he teaches her the new Rites she has to learn to perform in Dreamfire storms, etc. But eventually, they start to talk and actually enjoy each others company. Amun is comanded to sleep with Mehr, but since that’s isn’t exactly a ~specfic~ order, he has been sleeping with her… But like, literally just sleeping beside her in the same bed. That’s it. But TECHNICALLY, he is doing as he was commanded. See? Our boy finds loopholes because HE SMART. AND HE DRINKS ‘RESPECTING WOMEN JUICE’. We stan a legend. SO YEAH THE MAHA FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS. MAHA IS PIIIIIISSED. So he literally says to Amun, “fuck your wife.” and him and Mehr are close and this point and Amun is literally killing himself by not doing this direct command because he doesn’t want to hurt Mehr. He doesn’t want to force her to have sex with him. He is literally losing weight, sweating, getting sick. All of it. And Mehr is like “Listen… I love you. I really do and I don’t want you to die. So like, just do it. It’s okay, I’m giving you permission.” AMUN OUR SWEET BOY IS STILL SO HESITANT BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO DEFILE HER. BUT HE IS DYING SO LIKE, HE HAS TO HAVE SEX WITH HER. IT’S EITHER FUCK OR DIE. THE WORLD FUCKS U EITHER WAY SO MIGHT AS WELL.

Geena: WHEN….. WHEN THE MAHA TOLD HIS OLD GENERAL DUDE “YOU WATCH AND MAKE SURE THEY DO” I WAS SITTING HERE LIKE…. BRO…. BRO WHAT……… AND THE GENERAL WAS UNCOMFORTABLE AND EVERYONE WAS UNCOMFORTABLE….. AND like everyone is eating the Maha’s ass at this point and it takes Mehr forever to convince the general guy to be like “couldn’t you just wait at the end of the staircase and listen instead” god that was so awkward.

Kae: I’M GLAD YOU MENTIONED THAT PART. Yes, it was extremely uncomfortable for everyone in this situation. Including the readers asdfghjkl;. But like, The general agrees and waits outside. Mehr and Amun are making the best of their situation and well… They make LOOOOVE. And it’s actually really sweet and not a bad scene. He was gentle with her and they made their own vows to each other to make such a harsh, forced moment, a moment of their own. Amun is just a sweet, quiet boy who is very much in love with his wife and he just gets caught up in shit. But we love him.

Geena: I ONLY WANNA ADD ONE THING, which is that the condition the Maha had laid out was the moment that Amun slept with Mehr, Mehr would be forced to follow every single order from the Maha too. So all of Mehr’s “Friends” feel bad for her because she’s being forced to sleep with Amun, who they think is this hulking man who’s rude to everyone (he has reason to be bc they all treat him like a monster). And Mehr can’t handle her man being slandered and she’s like “EXCUSE YOU, BUT THAT MAN IS SOFT™ AND HASN’T TOUCHED ME” and one of her “friends” is like.. “O worm?” and basically snitches to the Maha. Also, I love how Amun is written, he doesn’t have a perspective of his own but we still get to see what drives him and why he is the way he is, like his past and what his dreams had been. Amun is like a dark skinned Thor but like more depressed sdkfjndsf

WAIT UNREALated to Amun kinda, but when the whole book went without cussing and near the end the Maha was like “AMUN I WANT YOU TO FUCK MEHR” I LOST IT….. Tasha’s editor was like “You may say fuck…. But only ONCE” like that donkey kong meme.

AND ANOTHER THING, the ending with Mehr and Amun had me like clutching my chest. They manage to defeat the Maha and essentially free any future Amrithi from facing the same fate as them, but they realize that the dreamfire dance is important to keep the gods and daeva appeased. Mehr steps up saying that she’ll stay in like the Maha’s place and perform the dance and teach any Amrithi willing to listen, and Amun says he’ll stay with her too. BUT!! He had also said that he wants to do nothing more than leave that place and travel far away from the Maha’s influence, and Mehr essentially tells him “Amun, you gotta go live your life, I refuse to tie you down with me.” and up until the last page the reader is like…. O shit…. He’s going….. AND that’s so sweet of Mehr to say because she knows that Amun only has bad memories of the place and it’s overall traumatic for him so even though she loves him she doesn’t want to tie him down. BUT!!!! AMUN STAYS ALL BC HE’S LIKE MEHR IS HIS LIFE!! And together they stay and train Amrithi, and the place that had once been used to imprison and enslave Amrithi is made into a safe haven for them.

Kae: boom yes ur were right. I got caught up because it was so cute. But like, he goes “I don’t want to travel. I want to be with u” and she’s like “NOOO LIVE UR LIFE DON’T STAY CAUSE I WANT U TO” and he’s like “but i want to court u like we talked about” and she's like “BOY WE MARRIED” and he’s like “Yeah, but like, I want to court you every day. Like if we were normal and didn’t get forced into this. Anyway, I love you a lot, but we should do this right” and she gets all flustered and shes like “WHEW. IM GETTIN’ HOT. ENOUGH COURTING FOR TODAY.”

The Bad:

→ The Mothers

Geena: Kae mentioned earlier than Mehr has had two moms, her real one and then the stepmom that she was forced to deal with after her mom left (see: abandoned) her. As much as her stepmom was an asshole to her, she did her absolute best to be a good mother to Mehr’s younger sister so like… I guess she deserves SOME rights. BUT…. THEIR BIRTH MOM? AN ABSOLUTE TOOL. We end up meeting Mehr’s mom after Mehr runs away from the Maha, turns out she’s been acting as chief for a tribe this whole time??? And wasn’t missing or dead…. Just out here…. Travelling with her tribe…. Not giving a shit about her daughters… And when her mom learns that Mehr is under the Maha’s control her mom is unsupportive in my opinion, and I was ready to fight her. Mehr asks for her help but her mom is like :///// sorry my tribe comes first :/// and anyways I was v unimpressed and her mom’s excuse was like “oh your dad gave u a life better than I ever could” like that doesn’t mean shit when Mehr didn’t have anyone to lean on in her life (like her stepmom could give two shits about Mehr…. Imagine getting ur period for the first time and your stepmom is just like ‘yea idc’ so u gotta sit there with ur cramps all sad with no one to hug you, bc all the servants think you’re weird). Tasha Suri does a great job at writing varying levels of shitty parenting so there’s that lmao

→ Kalini

Kae: So now we have, Kalini, AKA BOOOOTLICKERRRRRR. Kalini and her sister whose name escapes me at the moment, were ~rescued~ by the Maha when they were kids or whatever. So she is his self proclaimed right-hand woman.

Geena: She highkey wanted to fuck the Maha you can’t change my mind. She saw his wrinkly ass and was like “I wanna hit that”

Kae: LMAOOO YOU’RE RIGHT AND YOU SHOULD SAY IT. And like, she also highkey hates Mehr. She thinks that if her sister, Hema, continues to talk to Mehr, she will land herself in trouble and well, Kalini wasn’t wrong. Hema’s throat is slit and she bleeds out in front of her sister for fraternizing with Mehr. Kalini was mean to Mehr from the start, but the murder of her sister just darkens Kalini even more. She loathes Mehr. BUT, Kalini isn’t a total dumbass. She DOES recognize that the Maha is the one who commanded her death, so she holds that memory tight and uses it to fuel her. She later kills the Maha where he stands, letting him know that he is not a God, and is mortal like everyone else. She slits his throat. Boom, he dead.

Geena: Kalini was eating the Maha’s ass but she realized he wasn’t shit at the same time. So she can have rights bc of that I suppose.

The Ugly:

→ Maha

Geena: now to talk about, as Kae beautifully phrased it the “HOE ASS BITCH ASS FUCK ASS MAHA” He is truly… the nASTIEST man alive, thinks of himself as a God even though he’s ugly and probably has the body of a pufferfish (unappealing). So, he has the ability to do ~vibe checks~ and find amrithi, who he forces to dance every few months during a huge dreamfire storm so he can harness the magic and use it to fuel the Ambhan empire. He’s had Amun under his thumb since the boy was a child, and now he wants to use Mehr too…. OKAY WAIT KAE DIDN’T HE WANT THEM TO “BREED”

Kae: YEAH. BUT AMUN SAID THEY COULDN’T HAVE KIDS BECAUSE THE DREAM FIRE RITE FUCKS THEM UP. BUT HE ONLY CAME TO THAT CONCLUSION BECAUSE MAHA WAS FUCKIN’ THE LADY THAT WOULD DANCE THE RITE WITH AMUN BUT SHE CULDN’T GET PREGGGERS. SO I JUST THINK THE MAHA WAS FUCKED UP AND NOT THEM. We will see in book 2 tho….

Geena: YEA!!! SO THAT WAS JUST ONE OTHER FUCKED UP THING THE MAHA ORCHESTRATED (also lmao he was shooting dust ehehhe). Along with slitting Hema’s throat and uh telling Amun to force himself on Mehr. A part of me was thinking while reading that if Amun and Mehr weren’t married and had their vows…. What he would’ve done… He was a gross old man and eugh makes my skin crawl thinking about him. Like he enslaved Amrithi and worked them until the ritual eventually killed them and ugh fuck that man he got the death he deserved… Though I kinda wish Amun had been the one to stab him dead but :/

Kae: Geena broke it down pretty well. We HATE THE MAHA AND HE’S A FUGLY, SKANK BITCH. He really is the worst though. He had been harnessing the power of the Amrithi people for generations, making him pretty much immortal (right or am I wrong?) until Mehr and Amun fought back and she dipped out on him in the middle of a huge dreamfire storm. Since they didn’t complete the rite, the Maha didn’t get that nice hit of Amritihi power, and he quickly began to age and get sick. This is when Kalini saw her opportunity to strike and murked his ass. The Maha was demanding, evil, VILE, and an abusive manipulator. I don’t like him. BUT THAT’S GOOD THAT WE DON’T LIKE HIM because that means he was well written. Tasha Suri does a fantastic job writing all of these characters.

Conclusion

Kae: Also, dude. Tasha wrote Mehr so well. It's why she’s one of my favourites. Like, Mehr was brave, but she was scared as shit in the beginning. She did everything she was told and we see her progress into this strong wonderful young lady and it's such a beautiful development? And same with Amun? He’s like, quiet and weird but we find out it was because he wanted to protect Mehr from the start? POETIC CINEMA.

Geena: FUCK DUDE you’re so right, it reminds me of Sabaa’s writing a lot too. The way we see her characters flourish in tandem with each other like OOOF, I wanna write like that. Also, the romance isn’t like an insta-love type of deal, Tasha makes it very clear that it develops over a long period of time, and uughhhh everything is so natural. Speaking of, Tasha Suri’s coming out with another book set in the same universe, but this time it’ll be focused on Arwa, Mehr’s sister. We’re super excited because it happens years after this book, and Kae mentioned that Tasha has hinted at a family reunion so I CAN’T WAIT!

#Empire of Sand #Tasha Suri #bookblr #book reviews #bookworm #the books of ambha #booklr #book blogging #book blog #book blogger #reading #books #book review #book aesthetic #book photography #wetalkinboutbooks

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vitosscaletta · 5 years ago

Note

5, 9, 12, 22 & 31 for sara & audrey!!!

THANK YOU.. FOR MY LIFE.. 💕

Sara

What’s their full name and does it have a meaning? Do they have any nicknames and how did they get em?

her Full name’s Sara Catherine Wright.. James and Catherine named after Sarah, the prophet Abraham’s wife (fun fact Sara’s mother was from a muslim family.. YES she owned a bible bc she didn’t know it belonged to another religion jkfdf).. her middle name is.. obviously after her late mother 😔Nicknames are just… nosebleed by Butch who knows why.. and whatever the other kids in the vault came up with :(

How much do they care about their outer appearance? What’s their “beauty routine”? How often do they shower/ bathe?

A LOT.. I imagine Vault 101 had the same beauty/hygiene standards as pre-war america.. does the wasteland have any of that?? no! she still tries to stay as clean as possible even if that means sacrificing water that would have been okay for drinking. Technically it doesn’t matter because everyone else in the wasteland is dirty and smells bad so she wouldn’t stick out but she hates being unclean!! Same with her beauty routine honestly. no one else wears makeup or has pretty hair but she still goes out of her way to look somewhat okay.. wears gross old pre war makeup because she’s insecure about her appearance :ccc her hair used to be in curls in the vault but there are no curlers in the wasteland and she needs her bobby pins to crack saves 😂

What are they most insecure about?

A lot of things… thinks she has to live up to her mom for some reason and prove that she’s worth that she died for her even though she knows its bs :// Also has major abandonment issues and thinks she’s not really worth loving.. everyone will eventually grow tired of her and just leave :( Also her appearance as mentioned above

What’s their favorite season?

Spring!!! :^)

What’s their love life like? Are they interested in anyone or in a relationship?

answered :)

——

Audrey

What’s their full name and does it have a meaning? Do they have any nicknames and how did they get em?

Audrey Montero which is a BAD name.. :/ (I got her last name from the villain of some Zorro movie and thats valid.. i guess) Her parents named her after Audrey Hepburn dshfhfbh her dad’s a big fan of old timey movies…She has no nicknames besides “courier” lol

How much do they care about their outer appearance? What’s their “beauty routine”? How often do they shower/ bathe?

She does care about her appearance but tries to be practical dkkdsd.. wears either no makeup at all since it’s too time consuming when you’re traveling or just eyeliner if she’s feeling it kjdfhjfd.. she does try to stay neat & clean though!! the m*jave has clean water i think so ig she does take showers sometimes.. obviously not every day i know it’s a post-apocalyptic desert but you don’t have to be gross!

What are they most insecure about?

being average?? She’s kinda bad at everything besides her medicine/shotgun skills & doesn’t think she has an interesting or likeable personality or anything to make up for it either and it makes her feel like she’s really nothing special or anyone worth loving.. also doesn’t think she deserves all of the attention she’s getting just for getting involved in politics and all that because it was really just coincidence. this makes no sense but whatever

What’s their favorite season?

summer.. she’s a freak

What’s their love life like? Are they interested in anyone or in a relationship?

she did have a few long-term relationships in the past.. was sort of engaged to a guy but they bwoke up about 3 years prior to fnv lmao.. has been single since then. She had a little crush on J*lie from the followers which was one-sided.. and on Mr. New Vegas’ voice mfhjfvbjfdjnfd.. She has a short romance with Chri/stine from D//ead mo/ney.. being trapped in a hotel with bomb collars around our neck brings us together!!! in an AU they get married in Vegas and live on a farm or something because I say so!! AFTER that there’s graham cracker which is fun bc she hates him at first.. for obvious reasons but working through issues about revenge & other stuff that i’m too lazy to list ALSO brings us together! he writes her dumb letters she doesn’t understand bc half of it is either in latin or referencing something she never heard of.

#THANK YOU NAOMI.. LEGEND 😭😭💕💕#c: sara #c: audrey #rcberthouse #ask

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imnevergonnagiveyouup · 7 years ago

Text

Meta#1:

Alright so here's my first meta and not gonna lie @gaeaguard gave me the confidence, who kinda asked me my opinion on it and then later said that it was okay for me to share and not be shy about it so here goes to anybody who's like interested in my opinion and take on the voices inside his head. Please note if you haven't played the game and/or are planning on playing it there's going to be spoilers, if only to show to those who like wanna know why it is I concluded with this opinion of mine comes from. This might be long and it'll be under read more but I still found it important to warn ya'll if you're really interested in playing the game and wanting to find out things through your own whim and to get an idea of your own. Not gonna lie I'm often assumed to be one who doesn't take the game seriously in comparison to others which in all sincerity the game as a whole no I don't I mean have you played it? It's p fun, but his character is very important to me, and someone who I really like and is very enjoyable to dwell into from time to time on my own in the background. His journey into forgiving himself and struggling with what prevents him from doing so is what captures me the most and how he develops in the process. But here I go! Also! Credits for the screen shots I used on here are by @fairlegacy who was nice enough to capture them for me, thanks buddy!

Remember! SPOILERS ALERT! LOTS OF 'EM! No like seriously lmao.

To be honest I'm gonna start from the very beginning of his journey into joining ShinRa and just who he was before the original game took place. I know not a lot of people are fond to the prequels or like side stuff like this but I personally appreciated them a lot cause I feel like it applied more depth to the snarky son of a biscuit eating bulldog that is this guy we already came to love originally. He's a very reserved young man who's struggling to make it into SOLDIER. Someone who left and abandoned his home to make a point to others and to become stronger, just like the one he admires. Cloud's very quiet and keeps to himself a lot from what's implied a little, not to say he's shy because that's not what I'm saying. Being reserved/keeping to yourself and general shyness are two different things please keep this in mind. Okay so he's an infantryman who keeps to himself and is struggling to join the ranks of SOLDIER on his own. Cloud's been exposed to a lot of ShinRa's behavior and manner of things, especially of the SOLDIER rank which remember is where he wants to be. I only remember so much about CC since I've only played it like twice and the second time was only cause a friend of mine told me to revisit it, but I do remember that a good number of SOLDIER members were rather cocky and arrogant, believing themselves to be like top dogs or on top of the food chain. Not only does Zack exercise an inflated ego but there's others who do as well and how others react to them for it. Though Zack means no harm with his confidence there's members of ShinRa who aren't even in SOLDIER who view them as a threat or something to be annoyed about just like some turks don't get along with SOLDIER and don't even want to be exposed to them. Am I implying that this kind of behavior is only in SOLDIER? No of course not as there's plenty within ShinRa who hold their own foul behavior and inflated egos. The point is that Cloud, as reserved and keeping to himself as he is, has been greatly exposed to such behaviors and ways when within ShinRa. His attachment and connection to Zack later on makes him develop these mannerisms he has that remind our beloved flower girl of her first love.

When Cloud's subjected to Hojo's experimentations and to be part of the JENOVA program mad scientist over here exposes both Cloud and Zack to a tremendous amount of mako and these pure cells. He failed with Zack but succeeded with Cloud but at a cost. Cloud, not entirely used to mako at all succumbs to mako poisoning and mercilessly in the process begins to corrode his consciousness with the applied company of JENOVA's pure cells whilst in comparison to Zack who's been exposed to mako can take such a lethal blow and even make the JENOVA cells into monster cells of his own. At the end of his journey with Zack Cloud suffers even worse at already his unstable mental state and having to deal with the shock of watching his good friend die before him. With such a fragile mindset and processing of the situation when Zack says that he wants him to be his living legacy and by accepting this Cloud subconsciously adapts snips of Zack himself as well thus the Cloud that once was no longer there. In my personal opinion it goes deeper than that. Remember that unlike Zack Cloud was a success with the infusion of JENOVA cells. And what did JENOVA do thousands of years ago to a certain ancient race that basically made them go extinct? That's right, it messed with their MEMORIES and FEELINGS so that it could get closer to them and through its CELLULAR STRUCTURE then infected this ancient race and turned them into monsters. JENOVA has the ability to manipulate memories and thus through these memories if convincing enough can furthermore manipulate emotions. So Cloud adapting snips of Zack, some of his flaunt, his manners, and what he did know about him is not just on Cloud but on JENOVA's cells as well. Not just that but Cloud forgetting that Zack's even real at all also plays a great deal and is all in thanks to JENOVA in my opinion. Let's be technical for a moment, JENOVA cells were given to both Cloud and Zack, chances are a substantial amount of them for the sake of some success because it even managed to break Cloud, but these cells were unable and failed to break Zack who only ended up making those cells his own personal alien/monster cells and with JENOVA already showing and delivering that it does have the ability to not just manipulate memories but emotions as well there's no doubt in my mind that some string tugging and pulling was done in regards to the relationship and close connection Cloud had with Zack, playing in tune with the fact that Zack was a failed copy while Cloud wasn't thus in Cloud's head any signs of Zack ceased to be, he didn't exist/JENOVA failed to claim Zack as a host. Now I know what you're all might be thinking, when am I actually gonna get to the voices part well it's in the upcoming paragraph lmao but I thought it was important to set this as the basis ground like it's important to keep and put these things out there so that the voices within his head can be understood a bit better (or at least why I think what I think of them anyway) because the voices inside his head are more than just that. It's a complicated concept to just try to get the moment they happen, one of those things where you have to take things that have already happened and keep happening in order to get a good grasp of. Alright now with this out of the way I can actually get to the actual voices part and what I think of 'em and who it is exactly as well.

Alright so these voices are first introduced very early in the game in the bombing mission where the voice tells and implores Cloud not to blow up the reactor because it's more than that and because it's dangerous to do it. Many believe and say that these voices are Zack, Zack trying to help Cloud regain his identity which I do agree I'm actually on that very same boat to put it simply except that later on in the game it throws me for a loop which I'll mention later. Recall that Cloud NEVER made it into SOLDIER so how's he to have any substantial knowledge of how a reactor works and/or what it operates at all? Something we learn about ShinRa through prequels and the original game itself is that there's knowledge barriers between their ranks. Some don't even know of ShinRa's true intentions and harmful ways even which is a clear and obvious tell-tell sign that not everybody's on the same page and not everybody has the worst of intentions. So as an infantryman Cloud would have been limited with only so much information concerning the company especially because he was very reserved and to himself before everything started to go to hell for him which is why I was really inclined to believe that holy shit Zack's living in Cloud's head right now and trying to help reach for that friend of his he adored so much and risked his life into saving, literally. Except that this basic theory of mine gets thrown through a loop later throughout the game and the more times this voice comes up and the appearance of young Cloud when Cloud's in the middle of killing Aeris in the temple. So let's start out into the next relevant time the voice comes up it's when he falls through the roof of the church and officially meets our dear flower girl.

The voice says something along the lines of back then you were able to get through with skinned knees or something like that and then Cloud, unsure of who it is asks who's talking to him right now and what exactly is the voice referring to by that specific thing which left me wondering for a whole while until the lifestream scene with Tifa where they're trying to get Cloud pieced together where young Cloud makes yet another appearance and shares with her what memory was most important to him and what decided what became of him and how.

When he and Tifa fell off the cliff and he shares with us that she was in a coma for days while Cloud ONLY got away with SCARRED KNEES. So like there's a literal significant connection there that at least I took very literally. It's this little piece that kinda changed my perspective about the voices inside his head and just who it is trying to reach him and advice him. In some ways yes it is Zack but not entirely JUST him but with the applied JENOVA influence and how it has the ability to manipulate memories and emotions of those its host is connected to it shared some of Zack's with the real Cloud who's still struggling within him, still trying to reach him. Because there's no way or anywhere in CC where Cloud confessed this incident he had with Tifa if my memory's serving me right right now. It's that part and the part where Cloud almost kills Aeris where young (real) Cloud appears trying to interfere and stop events from progressing. The one who's struggling really bad within his head and trying to fight back that trauma, that shock, JENOVA, and trying to get the Cloud character he's adapted as his own to understand that there's something terribly wrong here and he needs to see that and throughout the game every time I play it I don't know if it’s only me but to me, I feel like Cloud gets more mindful and mindful as it goes on that there is something wrong and he has to put the pieces together to figure out just what it is. So the voices in his head are more than just oh it’s JENOVA, oh it’s just Zack, no it’s the real Cloud, no it’s a troublesome, toxic, and struggling MIXTURE of the three plus the shock/trauma of the loss of a good friend and the severe mako poisoning which also plays a huge role on his memory. JENOVA’s influence over memories/emotions/ability to manipulate, that which Cloud was able to adapt from Zack and morph into the snarky self inflated egotistical ex-SOLDIER 1st class we’re introduced to in the game, and young (real) Cloud who’s doing his best and struggling inside him trying to make it out and get to the surface, to put the pieces back in their rightful place. So the voices in his head are a complicated subject because there’s so much playing within this struggle? Everything that messed him up in the first place and it’s kinda obvious why after it settles in he’s beaten down a lot and he can’t and isn’t given time to fully process it and grieve over it all because the world’s coming to an end and they have to stop it from happening which evolves into the AC Cloud everybody hates (if someone comes up to me and says he has no right to be the way he is in AC I will fight you), everything’s calmed down, he’s given time to grieve over everything that settled in, the loss of a friend, the loss of another friend, the fake persona he took up, what he forgot, feeling like a failure. Things along those lines.

I’m sure with the remake coming out soon we’ll get more in detailed stuff but with what I can recall and what I know from this series as crazy as it is the voice inside his head is a multitude of things but more importantly, at least in my opinion, it’s (real) Cloud trying to bring himself together, trying to help himself out and no longer remain dormant and succumb to everything that brought him down to where he is during the beginning of the game, but as it’s been shown to us multiple times things just aren’t that easy, especially with everything else piling on top of that which only made it harder and much more complex.

#* OOC.#*INCOHERENT APOLLO SCREAMING IN THE DISTANCE*#long post #depersonalization tw #existential trauma tw #dissociation tw #depression mention tw #just a whole bunch of triggers ok #i got emotional throughout this thing #ya'll i fuckin love cloud strife so much #pls love him with me too #not even sure if this makes sense but like i got emotional halfway through so sorry #my meta tag is so classy i know

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