#like ok maybe the fact that i can't outright say 'i'm wondering if i'm depressed and i'm thinking about killing myself a lot' is on me BUT. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

icedille · 2 months ago

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all this to say objectively speaking i know i should try to continue going to therapy but she can't see me outside of my work hours so it will be a whole process of asking my boss and maybe i actually won't be able to work full time bc of that and i. don't wanna. also even if i could go i'm not even sure it would do anything at this point because i'm so bad at talking about the things that are actually a problem and i KNOW i should work on that but seeing how the last few times went i'm not sure it's entirely my fault either

#like ok maybe the fact that i can't outright say 'i'm wondering if i'm depressed and i'm thinking about killing myself a lot' is on me BUT.#i did try to do the 'describe the symptoms without outright giving an explanatory label' thing and uh #idk when the only response i get to 'i have no energy no motivation it's getting harder to get up in the morning and #planning for the future fills me with so much dread to the point of being paralized and i just can't see myself in it. at all anymore' is #'i think you're afraid of growing up :)' it's a little bit. idk. sure i guess i don't wanna be an adult #but that's bc i don't wanna be alive in general. i think #idk. and the theory in itself is not really the problem it's her job to interpret things and sometimes she's wrong whatever #but for some reason the last two times felt really. if i contradict anything she brings up she sees it as me getting defensive #which probably only proves her point. IDK. maybe i'm paranoid maybe she IS right but i kinda hate the idea of #not getting my words taken at face value anymore. anyway. that was a lot of oversharing wow sorry

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