#like normally when i think ab nick lately it's just 'man i wish things hadn't gone that way' but rn it's like
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once again can't sleep because I'm out of real weed and alcohol just makes me cry about my ex best friend if im not distracted enough
#and then i cry until im just sober and suicidal#i love it when i have these episodes i like to call 'the world is ending' moments#which is literally just weeks at a time where everything that makes me upset feels apocalyptically intense#like normally when i think ab nick lately it's just 'man i wish things hadn't gone that way' but rn it's like#dear god thinking about him reminds me of every time he was ever kind to me and then i remember every time he was a massive dick to me#and now my chest hurts and 'the world is ending' bc i remembered that time he went with all of his friends to see a movie except me#and it stings bc i remember when the trailers came out we talked ab how bad we both wanted to see it#they wore costumes and everything so i spent a week watching him and our other friend/roommate make outfits for it#and they never once asked if i wanted to go. and i didn't say anything bc they were going with ppl i didn't know very well#and i didn't want to 'invite myself'. in hindsight that was dumb bc we literally lived together and were friends but whatever#and this is like. every night for a week now that i go down a spiral of every reason i should hate him interlaced with every reason i don't#i don't want to think about him anymore i don't understand why i can't just let go. im getting angry at myself atp#like he's irrelevant to my life now there's no reason these things should still bother me this much#and he was like. almost comically harsh towards me when i asked him why he stopped talking to me. like looking back i still feel insulted#and irritated by the way he acted when i literally just told him that i was really upset and didn't understand why he abandoned me#didn't mean to write an essay mb I'm still a bit buzzed
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