#like nobody has labels or identifies a certain way they just have sex with who they want to and sometimes that's a man and sometimes

[llycaons]

googled medieval dildos out of curiosity and

2000 YEAR OLD STRAPON. FIRST RESULT

[sorin-sunchild]

I want to applaud you @pingintech with more hands than I have.

Reading the original post and seeing agreement really made me worry. What do you mean no transfemme (specifically who isn't AFAB) has a complex relationship with womanhood? What do you mean saying so is transmisogynistic? Nobody is saying that's what you HAVE to experience to qualify as transfemme, that's just want some transfemmes experience. Nobody AFAB who was raised a cis woman and still is one is calling herself a transfemme just because of a complex relationship with womanhood. It's very much still trans* people. What do you mean by using a certain label when you view them as not fitting it a person is transmisogynistic? That's astoundingly wrong and accusatory.

I've seen story after story from what OP considers 'real transfemmes' aka only if you're AMAB can you use that term apparently - all that showed me interesting perspectives on womanhood from women who were denied it. If you were able to slip into womanhood comfortably and were only hurt by transmisogyny then ok? But that's not universal.

Also it was my understanding that the label 'transfemme' as opposed to 'trans woman' was in fact created to allow greater numbers of people whose gender/transition was related to womanhood or nonbinary feminine genders in general to identify themselves under an umbrella term. So I really don't get the comments which are like 'urgh AFABs already have all these specific labels and we only have this one it's not fair, use those other labels!'.

You're really getting mad because some people under your umbrella label aren't having the exact same experience as you?

Also acting like only AFAB people use nonbinary labels, or that said words were in any way invented for AFAB people and are kind of dumb, is exorsexism. AMAB demigirls, bigender, girlboy/boygirl etc people exist. AMAB trans masc people exist. Maybe they'd feel less shy openly viewing themselves this way if we weren't so exorsexist about it. As an AFAB trans masc myself - I personally don't care if that demiboy with a complex relationship with masculinity calls himself trans masc and was born with a penis and raised a boy. Being overly concerned with birth sex and gender socialisation growing up is what TERFs and other transphobic people do. I'm begging you to try and not fall into that same trap and start believing that the existence of other trans people is oppressing you unless they fit into certain boxes.

Also... maybe we could try not to talk about AFAB people like they're the enemy? There's just certain comments here that talk about AFAB people as if said people are oppressing others, get some kind of special treatment or are otherwise inherently privileged just for being AFAB. I hate to tell you this but that's sexist. It's sexist regardless of their gender identity.

Speaking of the comments, the intersexism in some of the comments on this post is disgusting. Some of you clearly have no idea about intersex people at all and assume that being AFAB gives you this flawless relationship with womanhood that a Real Transfemme has to struggle for. "But being AFAB means they are encouraged towards womanhood whilst mine was denied to me-" I hear you, but you can talk about how society gatekeeps womanhood without pushing others who you don't think have struggled for it enough under the bus.

There are AFAB intersex people who have micropenises and went through a masculinising puberty who then, to be allowed womanhood in the eyes of transphobic society, had to go on E and get the same gender affirmation surgery as anyone AMAB - after spending years being treated incorrectly as a man by ignorant strangers and subjected to transmisogyny - because surprisingly (sarcasm) nobody cares what they're legally down as if they don't 'fit'. And she can't call herself trans femme because...?

And what about the AFAB who transitioned to male including medically very early in life, then realised she was wrong when she was much older, but views herself as transitioning to be a woman rather than detransitioning because she spent most of her life as a man and had basically no experiences of womanhood to 'go back to'?

I have a hard time conceptualising any reason these people aren't transfemme that doesn't boil down to gatekeeping identity based on birth genitalia rather than actual experiences with gender etc. As trans people we should know better than to do that.

And here's the thing...of course your experience of womanhood and coming into it is going to be different based on your AGAB and therefore how society treats you. Ofc binary trans women who are AMAB have harsher, harder obstacles from transphobic lawmakers, general bigots etc of course everyone isn't 'the same'. But commenting that you'll basically only care about AFABs when you believe transphobes are coming after them hard enough? Yikes!

I get it - you're hurting because of this. You, binary trans women or otherwise AMAB trans femme reading this who agreed with OP. I get that looking at AFAB people who use your umbrella term makes you feel like nobody understands you or being trans femme at all. That surely they can never understand what it's like to live under transmisogyny. To have womanhood denied and to have to reclaim it from scratch. Oh girl, I really think you deserve more than defining you or others based on the oppression you face, but it's not like it can or should be ignored. There really aren't as many AFAB people who use the term transfemme as you might think and even if they were, nobody in the trans community is forgetting about you. Nobody is judging you and your womanhood. Nobody is trying to change how you talk about yourself, your jokes and relatable posts you make about being transfemme or tell you that you have to have a complex turbulent relationship with your gender just because others under your label do. The people who do do this aren't liked by others for doing it either.

A label is just a label, you are you regardless, but preventing others from using a label that defines them and calling that transmisogyny? That's a hell of a leap. Your world will be so much more open and full of support if you try to understand every kind of trans person, to love our differences and our similarities and most of all to stop using birth sex as an indicator of whether we can use x label or are oppressed enough.

implicit in the idea of AFAB transfems is the conception of transfem as an identity category that indicates primarily a troubled, intermittent, or circumspect relationship to womanhood. this itself is transmisogynistic. transfems are perfectly able to have a relationship to womanhood as simple as being a woman.

[a-froger-epic]

The Queen fandom, Freddie Mercury and Characterisation

Or: Why are those anons like this? Why are those writers like this? Why don't we understand each other?

In this essay, I will-

No, I’m serious, I will. And this is an essay. It’s roughly 2500 words.

The friction, concerns and hurt in fandom around Freddie’s characterisation - most recently centred around a fic the author tagged as ‘Bisexual Freddie Mercury’, stating in the notes that they have chosen to write Freddie as bisexual - have given me a lot to think about. And if you have been asking yourself the questions above, this here might be of interest to you.

First off, why do I feel like I need to talk about this?

The answer is not: Because I’m so very influential in fandom.

I think my influence in this fandom has been vastly overstated by some people. If I were so influential, everybody would rush to read anything I rec or write. And trust me, they really don’t. My relevance is confined to a very specific part of the fandom. That part is made up of: Freddie fans, Froger shippers, some Roger fans, a handful of writers who like to support each other and like each other’s work, and people who are really into research.

There are many parts of fandom where my opinions are entirely irrelevant. Looking at the big picture, by which I mean only the Queen RPF fandom, I simply am not that important. Looking at the even bigger picture: the Queen fandom as a whole, the majority of which doesn't read or care about RPF - I am literally nobody.

Furthermore, everything I will be talking about here is in relation to the RPF-centred part of Queen fandom.

So why this public essay?

Because I have been deeply involved for two years in a divide of opinions concerning how Freddie ought to be written and how people think of RPF. I think this is in large part because I - like several other authors currently writing for the fandom - absolutely love research. It's my idea or fun. I love to dig into these real people’s lives. Not everybody does that and not everybody is comfortable with that. It’s a personal choice depending on people's levels of comfort surrounding RPF. But this does put me firmly in the camp of Freddie fans who like to explore who this man really was, and track down every last fact about him.

Freddie Mercury vs. Fictional Freddie

I’ll admit that I am one of those people who have the urge to speak up when they see somebody claim that Freddie was bisexual, and sometimes I will say: “Well, actually, we do know that he didn’t see himself that way, because…” For me, these have often been positive exchanges.

I think there is overwhelming evidence that Freddie Mercury identified as gay from his split with Mary to the end of his life (wonderfully curated here by RushingHeadlong). In the niche of fandom I have frequented over the last two years, as far as Freddie the real man is concerned, I have barely ever seen anybody argue with this.

But fanfiction and talking about real Freddie are not one the same thing, and they shouldn't be, and as far as I am concerned they don't have to be. Some writers like to put every last fact and detail they can find into their fic, in an attempt to approach a characterisation that feels authentic to them (and perhaps others), and other writers are simply content to draw inspiration from the real people, writing versions vaguely based on them.

But writing historically and factually accurate RPF is more respectful.

Is it? I've thought about this for a long time, and I really can't agree that it is. This, to me, seems to presume that we know what kind of fiction these real people would prefer to have been written about them. That, in itself, is impossible to know.

However, if I imagine Freddie reading RPF about himself, I think that he might laugh himself silly at an AU with a character merely inspired by him and may be really quite disturbed by a gritty, realistic take full of intimate details of and speculations about his life and psyche. Such as I also tend to write, just by the by, so this is definitely not a criticism of anybody. Freddie is dead. Of all the people to whom the way he is written in fiction matters, Freddie himself is not one. There is no way to know what Freddie would or wouldn't have wanted, in this regard, and so it isn't relevant.

Personally, I can't get behind the idea that speculating and creatively exploring very intimate details of Freddie's life, things he never even spoke of to anybody, is in any way more respectful than writing versions of him which take a lot of creative liberties. As I've said so many times before, I think either all of RPF is disrespectful or none of it is.

So who cares about Freddie characterisation in fiction anyway?

Clearly, a lot of people do. Freddie Mercury was an incredibly inspiring figure and continues to be that to a multitude of very different people for different reasons. There are older fans who have maybe faced the same kind of discrimination because of their sexuality, who saw Freddie's life and persona distorted and attacked by other fans and the media for decades, who have a lot of hurt and resentment connected to such things as calling Freddie bisexual - because this has been used (and in the wider fandom still is used) to discredit his relationship with Jim, to argue that Mary was the love of his life and none of his same sex relationships mattered, to paint a picture where "the gay lifestyle" was the death of him. And that is homophobic. That is not right. I completely understand that upset.

But.

These are not the only people who care about Freddie and for whom Freddie is a source of inspiration and comfort. What about people who simply connect to his struggles with his sexuality from a different angle? What about, for example, somebody who identifies with the Freddie who seemed to be reluctant to label himself, because that, to them, implies a freedom and sexual fluidity that helps them cope with how they see their own sexuality? Is it relevant why Freddie was cagey about labelling himself? Does it matter that it likely had a lot to do with discrimination? Are his reasons important? To some degree, yes. But are other queer people not allowed to see that which helps them in him? Are they not allowed to take empowerment and inspiration from this? Can you imagine Freddie himself ever resenting somebody who, for whatever reason, admired him and whose life he made that little bit brighter through his mere existence, however they interpreted it? I honestly can't say that I can imagine Freddie himself objecting to that.

This is the thing about fame. Anyone who is famous creates a public persona, and this persona belongs to the fans. By choosing that path, this person gives a lot of themselves to their fans. To interpret, to draw inspiration from, to love the way it makes sense to the individual. Please remember, at this point, that we are talking about how people engage with Freddie as a fictional character creatively. This is not about anybody trying to lay down the law regarding who Freddie really was, unequivocally. This is all about writers using his inspiring persona and the imprint he left on this world to explore themes that resonate with them.

This is what we as writers do. We write about things which resonate with us and often touch us deeply.

But don't they care about the real Freddie?

Yes, actually, I would argue that a lot of people care about "the real Freddie". It seems to me that depicting Freddie as gay or with a strong preference for men is what the vast majority of the RPF-centered fandom on AO3 already does. You will find very, very few stories where Freddie is depicted having a good time with women sexually or romantically. That he was mostly all about men is already the majority opinion in this part of fandom.

But another question is, who was the real Freddie? If the last two years in fandom have taught me anything, it is that even things which seem like fact to one person can seem like speculation to another. I have personally had so many discussions with so many people on different sides of the debate about the exact circumstances of Freddie's life and his inner world, that I must say I don't think there is such a thing as one accurate, "real" portrayal of Freddie. Even those of us who are heavily invested in research sometimes disagree quite significantly about the interpretations of sources. So that narrows "You don't care about the real Freddie" down to "You don't care about Freddie because you don't interpret everything we know about his life the exact same way I do". Sure, by that definition, very few people care about Freddie the same way you do.

The bottom line is, there are so many writers and fans who love him, people who are obsessed with him, people who care about him deeply. They might care about who they believe he really was or who he chose to present himself as to the world, the way he wanted to be seen. But ultimately, in my personal opinion, if somebody is inspired to write Freddie as a fictional character they feel that Freddie means a lot to them. And it is hurtful to accuse them of not caring.

But what some people write hurts/triggers me.

Yes, that can happen. Because the nature of AO3 is that everything is permitted. Personally, I am very much in agreement with that. You will also find me in the camp of people who are against any sort of censorship on AO3, no matter how much some of the content goes against my own morals or how distasteful I find it. Some people disagree with that, which is fine. We must agree to disagree then. Here, I would like to quote QuirkySubject from the post she made regarding this whole situation because I cannot put it better myself: “The principle that all fic is valid (even RPF fic that subverts the lived experience of the person the fic is based on) is like the foundation of [AO3]. The suggestion that certain kinds of characterisations aren't allowed will provoke a knee-jerk reaction by many writers.”

No matter how much you may disagree with a story's plot or characterisation, it is allowed on AO3. "But wait," you might say, "the issue is not with it being on the site but with people like yourself - who should care about "the real Freddie" - supporting it."

This is some of what I have taken away from the upset I have seen. And it’s worth deconstructing.

I've already addressed "the real Freddie". Moving on to...

The author is dead.

This is something others might very well disagree on as well, but to me the story itself matters far more than authorial intent. And what may be one thing according to the author’s personal definition, may be another thing to the reader. Let’s use an example. This is an ask I received yesterday:

This author thinks they were writing Freddie as bisexual. However, going by the plot of their story, I would actually say that it is largely very similar to how I see the progression of Freddie’s young adulthood. To me, personally, Freddie would still be gay throughout the story because he arrives - eventually - at the conclusion that he is. The author and I disagree on terminology only. And I think simply disagreements about terminology, given that some terms are so loaded with history in Freddie’s case, trips a lot of people up.

It seems to me that many people still equate bisexuality with a 50/50 attraction to men and women, when in actual fact many - if not most - bi/pan people would say that it is nowhere near that distribution. Some people are of the opinion that anybody who experiences some attraction to the opposite sex, even if they have a strong same-sex preference, could be technically considered bisexual. (However, sexuality isn’t objective, it’s subjective. At least when it comes to real people. What about fictionalised real people? We will get to that.)

Let's briefly return to real Freddie.

What I'm seeing is that there are several ways of thinking here, with regard to his sexuality.

1. Freddie was gay because that seems to be (from everything we know) the conclusion he arrived at and the way he saw himself, once he had stopped dating women. Therefor, he was always gay, it just took him a while to come to terms with it.

2. Freddie can be referred to as bisexual during the time when he was with women because at that time, he may very well have thought of himself thusly - whether that was wishful thinking and he was aware of it or whether he really thought he might be bisexual is not something we can say definitively. He came out as gay to two friends in 1974 on separate occassions, and he talked to his girlfriends about being bisexual. (Personally, I think here it is interesting to look at who exactly he was saying what to, but let's put my own interpretations aside.)

3. Freddie can be seen as bisexual/pansexual because his life indicates that he was able to be in relationships with both men and women and because there is nothing to disprove he didn't experience any attraction to the women he was with. Had he lived in a different time, he may have defined himself differently.

Now, I'm of the first school of thought here, personally, although I understand the second and also, as a thought experiment, the third.

I think all of these approaches have validity, although the historical context of Freddie's life should be kept in mind and is very relevant whenever we speak about the man himself.

But when we return to writing fictionalised versions of Freddie, any of these approaches should absolutely be permissible. Yes, some of them or aspects of them can cause upset to some people.

And this is why AO3 has a tagging system. This is why authors write very clearly worded author's notes. This is the respect authors extend to their readers. This, in turn, has to be respected. Everybody is ultimately responsible for their own experience on the archive.

Nobody has the right to dictate what is or isn't published under the Queen tag. As far as I am concerned, nobody should have that right. As far as I am concerned, everybody has a responsibility to avoid whatever may upset them. I understand where the upset comes from. I also maintain it is every writer's right to engage with Freddie's character creatively the way they choose to.

None of us can control how other people engage with Freddie or the fandom. None of us can control what other people enjoy or dislike about the fandom.

The best way to engage with the content creating part of fandom, in my opinion, has always been to create what brings you joy, to consume the content that brings you joy and to respectfully step away from everything that doesn't.

[smallnico]

Are you a Gold Star lesbian? (Just in case you don't know what it means, a Gold Star lesbian is a lesbian that has never had the sex with a guy and would never have any intentions of ever doing so)

EDIT: i’ve been told this anon is a bot, and a lot of people have received this same message. who would program a bot to do this and why is a mystery to me. assuming no harm is done in doing so, i’m going to keep my response up instead of deleting it because i spent a good amount of time writing it, and i think it’s informative, which is why i wrote it in the first place.

~~~

i’m going to do you a favour here and assume you didn’t mean any harm by asking me this, that you just didn’t know better or didn’t think it through. i’ve said some pretty weird things to people on impulse, so i know how it feels when people react aggressively when you weren’t trying to insult them or freak them out or anything. normally, i would just block you for something like this and delete the ask, but given the number of asks i’ve been getting these days after a long drought of interaction, maybe it’s a good idea to re-establish some boundaries, not to mention explain to someone who might not know better why i have so many objections to the concept of a ‘gold star lesbian’.

first off, even when i’m hosting a frank discussion about sexuality on this blog, i never want to be asked about my sex life. some people are comfortable talking about theirs on tumblr -- i am not one such person. people are welcome to enjoy this blog and ask the occasional question, probe me for opinions, but my personal life is not open for spectators. there’s a meaningful difference between asking me about my sexual orientation and my experiences as a queer person, and asking me who i’ve had sex with. one is an opportunity for education, and the other is inappropriate and invasive. i’m already really dodgy about answering questions about my personal life, about friends and location and whatever, so already that ought to be a good warning to never ask me about my sex life. it is none of anyone’s goddamn business. this is a recipe for an instant block, and to restate, the only reason i’m not blocking this anon is because it’s a learning opportunity, and i’m feeling generous today.

the other reason i’m answering this question is because it’s an opportunity to save you, anon, from the trap of believing in ‘gold star lesbians’. i already know what the term means, and i’ve long since formed a firm opinion about its uselessness. 

1) a lesbian is not a better or worse lesbian for having/not having sex with men. there are a wide range of lesbian experiences that have room for a sexual history/future with men, and nobody -- absolutely nobody -- has the right to claim superiority over these people based on their comparatively “”pure”” sexual history. some lesbians formerly identified as straight, bi, pan, etc., and some may identify with those labels in the future. some older lesbians went their entire lives thinking they were straight, being married to men and having children before discovering who they are, does that make them less of a lesbian? does that make their current identity less qualified? i’ve been questioning my sexual orientation since i was thirteen years old, and not that it matters, but i don’t even identify as a lesbian anymore. am i tainted somehow? 2) let’s not pretend it’s not about purity, and let’s not pretend that purity means fucking anything when it comes to the spectrum of human experience. nothing is pure, nothing human will ever be pure, and anyone who claims their whatever the hell makes them pure is inflating their own pride at the cost of others they’ve arbitrarily declared are dirty. 3) men are not dirty. sex with men is not dirty. people who have sex with men are not dirty. you don’t get an award for not having sex with men, and the idea that ‘not having sex with men’ is a reward in and of itself is deeply unfair to both men and the people who find men attractive. there are a lot of excellent reasons people choose to have sex with men. the choice to have sex with men is not something i’m willing or even inclined to slander, even if the person making that choice is a lesbian, and even if they’re making that choice for pleasure.  4) sometimes, it’s not a choice. let’s not pretend rape in all its inglorious forms doesn’t count as sexual history, and hopefully we can all agree that, even if you’re 100% certain someone has never been raped, asking them to recount their sexual history to see if they qualify for some kind of honour is, at best, a rude and senseless violation of their privacy.  5) let’s also not pretend the concept of a ‘gold star lesbian’ isn’t borderline transphobic. i’ve seen a lot of people define ‘gold star lesbian’ as “a lesbian who has never touched a penis”, which naturally frames trans and some intersex women as dirty, while also discounting their womanhood. even if the term isn’t meant in a transphobic way, it has altogether too much flexibility as a concept for use by transphobic lesbians and terfs and not enough value in and of itself to bother reclaiming. 6) the label seeks to frame a specific lesbian experience as superior to any other experience, and does so at the expense of other queer people, and for what? is there a point to policing people’s identities and sexual experiences beyond “proving” one person is “”more queer”” than another? it’s ludicrous. it invalidates their experiences to make a select few people feel like they’re inherently better than everyone else, and i’m against that dynamic on principle. 7) if anyone thinks i’m reading too much into this, two things. one, it’s one of the only things my degree qualifies me to do, and two, just look at how the phrase ‘gold star lesbian’ is worded. you get a gold star. it’s a reward, an accomplishment, a sticker on your nametag, something which separates your from and prizes you above others because you did something good. in this case, ‘others’ is functionally everyone else in the queer community, and ‘something good’ is abstaining from sex with men. we’ve already been over why sex with men should never be seen as an inherently bad thing, and we as queer people should know better than to exclude each other for failing to conform to an arbitrarily ‘standard’ experience of sexuality.

i’m sure there’s more, but i’ve already spent enough time on this response. anon, if you’re reading this, it’s okay if you didn’t know better, and i hope i could teach you something today. i do get the feeling you asked this question in earnest, so as long as it doesn’t happen again (in which case, again, you will be blocked), no sour grapes. but to you and everyone else following this blog, this is an example of an inappropriate question -- for reasons on top of how many objections i have to the ‘gold star lesbian’ label. we have fun here on smallnico.tumblr.com, but i’m a real human being out there in the world, and this blog is my platform and spectacle, not me. there’s a reason i’m on tumblr and not twitter or instagram. 

[dustyard]

A Guide to Dæmons, Sexuality, and Gender

Let’s first get this out of the way: being gay does not automatically mean your dæmon is the same sex as you. Are we good? All on the same page? Lovely. The whole idea behind gay people having a same-sex dæmon came from a singular character who was implied to be gay in the books, who also had a same-sex dæmon, and as far as I’m aware, Pullman has neither confirmed nor denied any theories regarding sexuality and dæmons. Even if he has, there are times when disagreeing with an author about their work is absolutely acceptable, and this would be one.

When examining dæmon genders in regards to human sexuality, I think it’s important to look at why dæmons come out a certain gender. I’ve seen a lot of theories floating around, one of the most popular ones (that I’ve seen, maybe it’s changed though) having to do with balance. For example, a masculine person needing a feminine dæmon to even them out. I wholeheartedly reject this idea, in part because it’s a bit derogatory, as it implies that gay men are feminine and gay women are masculine, therefore needing a dæmon of the same sex to even them out. I personally believe that when it comes to figuring out the gender of your dæmon, you should remove sexuality entirely.

When trying to decide what gender fits best, the consideration I think needs to be whether you’re more drawn to masculine or feminine energy (or other, but I’ll get back to that in a bit). Now, this doesn’t mean whether you’re attracted romantically/sexually to masculine or feminine people. It also doesn’t mean how you personally prefer to present. For example, I am female. I enjoy being feminine, acting feminine, and exuding feminine energy. However, I feel a strong connection to masculine energies, which is why I feel my dæmon is male. I like observing masculinity, hearing from the male perspective, and I also appreciate masculinity in part because I am not masculine. I appreciate the contrast to myself. For some people, they might feel very drawn to feminine energies, but again, this is not sexual or romantic. You could be a straight woman with a female dæmon because you simply prefer female energy, not because you dislike dick. A person might not want/need the contrast in gender the way I personally do, and that can be for so many reasons it isn’t even really possible to list them all.

Now, having gotten all that out of the way, I do think that non-straight people are more likely to have same-sex dæmons. A correlation rather than a causation, if you will. In part I think this has to do with non cis-het people generally being more flexible in their gender performance (this is a big generalization, I am aware, don’t bite my head off) and because of this, might be more comfortably with a same-sex dæmon. As I said before, sexuality/your gender does not directly determine your dæmon’s gender, but there will probably be a correlation.

If you’ve read this whole thing and are asking, well, what about me? I/my dæmon don’t fit under male or female? Then the answer is that honestly not much changes, but deciding how your dæmon portrays themselves may be more challenging.

For those of you who don’t identify as male/female (I understand that there are a large number of labels you could use, but for the sake of brevity I’m going to use genderqueer as an umbrella term) you can absolutely still have a dæmon that identifies as male or female. As I pointed out earlier, your gender does not inherently determine the gender of your dæmon. If you feel particularly drawn to female energies and are genderqueer, congratulations, you probably have a female dæmon.

In regards to dæmons being genderqueer/not fitting the traditional gender binary, this is also an option if you feel that your dæmon does not fit within the confines of the gender binary. You do not need to identify as genderqueer for this to affect your dæmon. Admittedly I don’t think of genderqueer dæmons as particularly common, but that certainly doesn’t mean that it can’t/doesn’t happen. Again, this would probably be more commonplace in queer safe spaces, but not always.

Onto some commonly asked questions:

Gender is, at its core, a social construct. If we accept this, why then do dæmons have to conform to any gender at all?

Well, they don’t. Besides, just because gender is a construct doesn’t mean it isn’t useful. Money has no inherent value, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t massively influence our daily lives. You may decide that the traditional gender binary doesn’t suit either yourself or your dæmon, but that doesn’t mean that those who feel it does ought to be belittled.

So, if I’m gay, is my dæmon the same gender as me?

Nope, not necessarily. You can be gay and have a same-sex dæmon if that feel right, but you can also have a dæmon of the opposite sex. Both are completely fine.

What if I’m straight? Can I still have a same-sex dæmon?

Yes, you can!

What if I’m bi/pan/ace/whatever, does that affect my dæmon’s gender?

Your dæmon’s gender is separate from both your gender expression and your sexuality. Therefore, whatever you identify as does not inherently affect what your dæmon will present as.

Do dæmons have sexuality?

This is a harder question to answer, and I’m going to go with a resounding “eh”. I don’t think dæmons would have sexuality in the sense of desiring to have sex with another dæmon—at the very least, I have never experienced this. I do, however, think that some dæmons would show a marked preference for the gender of the dæmon that belongs to their human’s romantic interest. For example, a dæmon might be drawn to male dæmons than female dæmons. Could this affect their human’s romantic/sexual endeavors? Yes, I think so. Maybe not overtly, but a dæmon that likes male dæmons might encourage their human to go after their preferred gendered partner who also has a dæmon that is the gender they prefer. Does that make sense?

I still don’t know what gender my dæmon is, how do I figure that out?

If after reading this you still aren’t clear, that’s totally fine! Gender is a very complicated topic that uses a lot of abstract language; dæmonism is the same. Put the two together and nobody knows what’s going on anymore. There’s no need to immediately gender your dæmon. You can play around with what gender they present as for as long as you want. A lot of this is very instinct and vibes based, so it really is just whatever feels right to you.

I used to think my dæmon was X gender and now I think they might be Y gender. Is that okay?

Yep! Totally okay. Who’s going to stop you, the dæmon police?

What if I don’t want to gender them at all?

Again, perfectly fine, and really, who cares? Is anybody going to break down your door and tell you to stop imagining a talking animal that does or does not conform to a certain gender? I highly doubt it, or else you’re living a much more exciting life than I am.

In summary: dæmons do not derive their gender from their human’s gender nor their sexuality, and dæmon gender is an entirely separate category.

[enki2]

The term "TERF" has drifted a lot. The RF part used to be fundamental -- we used this term to refer to a coherent movement derived from certain elements of second-wave feminism (those same elements that produced 'political lesbianism' and the notion that 'all sex is rape'). Over time, we applied this term to people whose connection to any feminist tradition was more and more tenuous -- including people like Rowling whose understanding of feminism begins and ends at 'girl power'. At a certain point, we started using it to refer to anti-trans bigots in general (instead of just calling them bigots).

The whole thing is complicated by the way that 20th century popular media picked and chose different elements of conflicting streams of feminist thought to identify with the label "feminism" -- when you have one group of people saying "feminism is just when women can vote" and another group saying "feminism is a conspiracy to kill men", people whose entire understanding of the subject comes from daytime TV will come to the conclusion that "feminism is a conspiracy to kill men via allowing women to vote" -- and by lizardman's constant, some viewers are gonna be totally onboard with that.

Today, there are a lot of anti-trans bigots who are cis women *and* vocal anti-feminists, and yet we still call them TERFs most of the time. Weirdly, a lot of them get along really well with the TERFs who claim to be feminist. A lot of third wave feminism seems to be targeted specifically at criticizing and creating alternatives to the ideas in second wave feminism that were so easily weaponized by bigotry.

All this may be a tangent, though. OP talked about misandry not existing. Interpreting this in good faith, this might be along the same lines as "reverse-racism doesn't exist" -- in other words, misogyny is interpreted as a structural situation (most people call this patriarchy instead of misogyny), which lends power to certain kinds of individual acts while making others powerless. Surely nobody denies that there isn't a lot of broad anti-man sentiment, expressed in intentionally shocking ways, but it is mostly toothless -- in the same way that calling a white person "honky" or "cracker" is basically meaningless.

I don't know if my experience is common, but the kinds of gendered insults that actually affect me (as a dude) are the ones that have the full force of patriarchy behind them (claims that I am predatory, or alternately, claims that my worth as a human being is contingent on my body count). Other kinds of gendered insults are ineffective, because they don't intersect with values that large organizations spend huge amounts of money trying to indoctrinate me into as a child. "Men suck" doesn't bother me because a lot of men suck, I suck sometimes, and I make a continuous effort not to suck -- so rather than an insult, it comes off as a reminder.

It's really hard to get somebody to make good decisions when they are insulated from the effects of bad decisions: everybody has a lot going on, and if somebody says they have it harder than you, how do you know they're telling the truth? How do you draw a person's attention to their privilege? You need to make an emotional impact -- but that very emotional impact may backfire & make them ignore the subject (previously invisible, now seen as an annoyance). One kind of men will hear "men suck" and think "she thinks i suck! well i think she sucks too!", and another kind of man will hear "men suck" and think "do i suck? in what way? how can i go about sucking less?"

At the same time, a lot of this rhetoric was never even intended to get men to behave better, and instead is just an expression of shared frustration for women to bond over. The people least-suited to understand and empathize with it are driven to it by recommendation algorithms that maximize interactions (two people talking past each other while experiencing a heady mix of rage and panic are capable of producing a *shitload* of interactions, because they don't actually need to read & understand each others' responses or write responses with the care necessary to be understood), so context collapses.

i can tell i went to different level 1 sjw training than most of this site because people here will take the idea of misandry seriously

[yurimother]

Our Dreams at Dusk: Shimanami Tasogare - LGBTQ Review

Writing reviews is generally pretty simple for me. I set up the story of the work, discuss the characters and their dynamics, talk about the art, overuse the word “adorable” and then analyze about whatever romance or LGBT elements are present in it. However, Our Dreams at Dusk: Shimanami Tasogare deserves more than that. This is not some fluffy schoolyard romance, it is an honest, powerful, and stupendous work of queer literature. I spent almost a full day slowly working my way through the original volumes in preparation for the English adaptation’s release and words can hardly capture the sheer power and raw emotion contained in this series. I feel perfectly comfortable in saying that Shimanami Tasogare is the greatest manga I have ever read.

WARNING: this review contains spoilers for all four volumes of the manga

Our Dreams at Dusk: Shimanami Tasogare is written and illustrated by Yuhki Kamatani, who is a member of the LGBTQ+ community themselves and identifies as X-gender and asexual. Their illustrations are breathtaking. All the characters designs are distinct and the environments are detailed. But careful use of visual storytelling and employment of gorgeous surreal imagery is nothing short of artistic genius. These striking moments (literally) illustrate the characters’ emotions in ways far more complex and powerful than words ever could.

For example, the four pages which close the third chapter begin very minimally, with no background and only close-ups of character’s faces without words. Suddenly, it explodes into a visual representation of the protagonist's feelings, his realization, his fear, his overwhelming panic, and his confusion. Excerpts such as this are visceral, brutally effective, and hauntingly beautiful.

No matter how much praise I have to offer the remarkable illustrations, it is nothing compared to the commendations I give the story. It begins just as protagonist Tasuku Kaname stands over a bridge, contemplating jumping. People are making fun of Tasuku at school because of a rumor that he is gay and he believes his life might be over. However, he does not jump after he sees a strange girl in the distance leap from the window of a drop-in center.

Rushing over, he finds that this girl, called Someone, is the mysterious owner of the drop-in center. She tells him that the center is a gathering place for LGBTQ+ and that he can tell her anything, but that she will not listen. Soon Tasuku begins spending his summer at the center, working to fix up an old house with some of it other patrons, and learning everyone’s story. Each of the people at the center has an LGBTQ+ identity. In small arcs, which naturally cross and interweave with each other, Tasuku comes to better understand them and their identity as they work to navigate the world as a queer person.

One of the first stories told is that of Haruko Daichi and her wife Saki. Although they have not been able to get hold a ceremony, they consider themselves married. Haruko used to be guarded and quiet, lying to herself about being happy. When she finally came out and told her parents that she was a relationship, their relationship fell apart, a story far too common in the LGBT community. However, it is in this community that Haruko found solace and acceptation, thanks to participating in online forums and circles she accepted herself.

In one of these online groups she meets Saki, and they fell in love. Haruko’s greatest wish it to have a real wedding celebration so that everyone who knows her and Saki can celebrate them and their love together. Saki, however, feels differently. Although she is very much in love with Haruko, she does not want to risk starting fires by publicly coming out to her parents and relatives or holding such a brazen display of their love. This fear is held by many queer people, “how will I be seen if I come out? No one will accept me.”

Volume two of the manga follows the story of Shuufi Misora, a young child questioning their gender identity. At the center, Misora dresses as a girl, wearing dresses, makeup, and wigs, but outside they present as a boy (the gender they were assigned as at birth). They are initially somewhat hostile towards Tasuku, who is kind and compliments Misora regularly on their clothing while at the center, but one day asks to go to his house.

While there, Misora asks Tasuku some questions about being male and expresses their fear of their voice changing and getting body hair. Tasuku asks them, “do you want to be a girl?” Misora tells him that they do not know, but more than anything they feel so isolated and misunderstood. Before they can leave, Tasuku takes their hand.

After this, Tasuku encourages Misora to live as a transgender woman and eventually pushes them to go outside while presenting as feminine. The two go to a festival together and enjoy themselves. However, when someone gropes Misora’s butt, Tasuku remarks in an offhand comment that they did it because Misora looked cute. Misora, feeling angry, confused, and pushed by Tasuku explodes into a homophobic tirade, shouting at him before running away. After that, they do not return to the drop-in center.

Tasuku pushed Misora too much to come out, to take on the identity of being transgender. But, nobody can force a queer person to accept their identity or come out before they are ready and sure of their identity. Misora was still questioning themselves and Tasuku’s attempts to put them into a box and have them live a certain way was happening too quickly. I think that this is the chapter during which I broke down crying at the end, it resonated with me so deeply (it was two in the morning at this point and I had been up all day translating the Japanese text). I remember how much I struggled with my sexuality before coming out as queer. I think that the words a colleague once told me years later apply best, “ everyone comes out at the perfect time for them, there is no 'too early' or 'too late', just ‘ready’ and ‘not yet.’”

Volume three tells the story of Utsumi. He is extraordinarily kind, gentle, and charismatic. One day, while working the renovating the house with several volunteers, a woman comments that she knew him in high school, but that he presented as female back then, revealing him to be a transgender man. She asks him to attend a high school reunion, which he does and encourages him to speak at her daughter’s school. It becomes clear that she is a problematic ally, seeing queerness as a sort of illness and believes that he should work to teach everyone else about his identity.

Utsumi responds that she is reducing him to being only a trans man and that this is only one part of his identity, that he is so much more than that. Often allies want queer people to act as the voice and teacher of their identity and reduce that person to only being the token gay or token transgender person. They are not given the freedom to be their own person. This is what she is trying to do to Utsumi. However, he refuses and after that, she no longer interacts with the group.

In the fourth and final volume, the story of Tchaiko is told. He is the elderly visitor of the center and enjoys playing compositions by Tchaikovsky for everyone to listen to. He is gay, and his partner of thirty years, Agawa, is passing away. Agawa left his family, including his son to live as a gay man and be with Tchaiko. Unfortunately, he was not able to have both a child and live as who he was, and was forced to make a decision between the two.

Fortunately, Agawa’s son has begun to visit him in the hospital room, but while he is there Tchaiko stays away, as the son is not aware of their relationship. Tchaiko however, does not resent this, and loves texting Agawa and visiting while the son is not there. However, he acknowledges that, as he is not legally a member of his family, he cannot be there while Agawa dies. The legal rights of gay couples is a long source of grief for many.

I recall my friends getting ready to move to England with their two young children. They were married legally in the State that we live in (Massachusetts) but they had no federal rights and one of them was soon to be deported. Luckily for them, same-sex marriage was legalized across the country just weeks before they were to be evicted, and they were allowed to stay. The story I tell is a victorious one, but for so many people and their partners, they have so much tale. The law and discrimination keep them from experiencing every aspect of their life together.

Through Tchaiko, Tasuku learns of Someone’s past. He describes her as a person who wanted to live in isolation. In the past, before adopting the name “Someone” she tells Tchaiko and Agaway that she is most likely asexual, but that she is unable to find a place where she belongs, that whatever she does she cannot explain her identity.

The two men comment how strange it is that nobody is allowed to just live their lives in solitude, to live without having to explain, educate, and identify oneself, to just be “somebody.” It is at this moment that Somebody realizes that this is exactly what she wants. She takes the name Somebody and chooses to let go of labels and lives the way that she wants to.

I can hardly explain how much I identified with Somebody. I am not asexual, but I never found that labels worked for me, that I needed to be able to identify myself as straight or gay or fit into any of those boxes. For that reason, I do not identify my sexuality. I am queer, as a person who falls under the LGBTQ+ umbrella, but no more than that.

This final volume begins to bring about resolution to many of the conflicts and issues introduced in previous chapters but I will not go into detail about those here. Just know that I found each solution to be believable, well written, and satisfying. What I really want to talk about, is Tasuku’s journey and his relationship with Tsubaki.

Tsubaki is Tasuku’s classmate, whom he has a crush on. Tasuku struggles so greatly with coming to terms with these feelings and is helped greatly by his friends at the center. But these difficulties are exacerbated when he and Tsubaki become friends. His situation quickly takes a turn for the worse as Tsubaki starts to toy with Tasuku. Soon he begins making homophobic and transphobic remarks about the frequenters of the center. Tasuku stays silent, standing there tortured and wounded by his friend's hurtful remarks.

Things only get worse when Someone starts talking to Tsubaki about his sexuality, acknowledging that he is repressed and lashing out. Tsubaki angrily dismisses the idea. Finally, he confronts Tasuku, acknowledging that obvious fact that Tasuku is gay and verbally assaulting him and the center. And then, in what is absolutely my favorite moment from the wonderful manga, Tasuku stands up to him! He confesses his sexuality and affection for Tsubaki, tells him how much the center means to him and how much good it has done, and that what Tsubaki is doing is wrong. “I want you to know that what you’ve said has hurt me. It’s not like I want your sympathy or apology! I just don’t want you to hurt anyone else!”

My. God. YESSS!!

This is such an incredibly powerful moment, to see the struggling Tasuku stand up and tell off his friend, the person that he loves. To tell him that his actions are hurtful and wrong. This was such a triumphant moment for the character. The sheer number of people that I, that every queer person encounters in their lives that hurts us and that we want to tell off. Seeing this was cathartic and affirming for me in so many ways. Not only do we see Tasuku take this stand, but Tsubaki listens. He understands and realizes that his actions were ignorant, and hurtful, and cruel. After this, he begins to hang around the center more and become more accepting of the others and himself.

Our Dreams at Dusk: Shimanami Tasogare expresses so many realistic and relatable stories of LGBTQ+ people that are told so beautifully and fully. If you are a queer person you need to read this manga, if you are questioning you need to read this manga, if you are an ally you need to read this manga, if you are a parent you need to read this manga, if you have no idea what LGBT life is like you need to read this manga.

Yuhki Kamatani has created the most honest, emotional, and affirming portrayal of living as an LGBTQ+ person that I have ever read in a manga. My feeble attempts to analyze it and express my appreciation here are laughable. My advice, get your hands on a copy right away!

To try and quantify this work with categorical scores would be nothing but insulting so I will end with only the overall rating: 10/10

Our Dreams at Dusk: Shimanami Tasogare Volume 1 is available now in at major North American retailers digitally and in print and volumes 2-4 are available for pre-order

Support yuri and LGBTQ+ content, news, and reviews by funding YuriMother on Patreon

All images are used for review purposes only and are owned by Yuhki KAMATANi, Shogakukan, and Seven Sea’s Entertainment. Please support the manga’s official release

[hellomynameisbisexual]

A Letter for Parents from a Parent

Dear Parent,

If you are reading this you are most likely trying to be a good parent in an extremely confusing situation and are probably getting lots of conflicting information. You are doing the right thing and can get through this.

I am not an “expert.” I am a father of five and a private music and martial arts teacher who deals with many kids. I grew up in a family with several bisexual individuals and I’ve dealt with these issues directly and indirectly all of my life.

Take a deep breath. Read slowly. You may need to read a little bit at a time and walk away to think. You may be reading this because you suspect, or have discovered, that your child is bisexual, or because your child or someone else has told you so. (Do not assume anything about your loved one based on someone else.) If your child has spoken to you, be understanding and provide a safe, accepting atmosphere. If your child has not, create an atmosphere in which he or she can do so when ready.

By bisexuality, I simply mean the physical and/or emotional attraction to both males and females. Most people who identify as bisexual consider it an independent sexual orientation, not a subset of other more widely-recognized categories. Don’t think of bisexuality as a little bit gay (homosexual) and a little bit straight (heterosexual) but as its own orientation with its own characteristics. People often ask why anyone would choose to be gay or bi (shorthand for bisexual). Most people do not feel that their sexual orientation is a choice; you probably don’t. Our best course of action is to respect the identity of our family and friends, assuming nothing.

I have no clue how many people experience bisexuality or identify as bisexuals. From what I’ve read experts don’t know either; estimates range from only a few to a whole lot of people. The fact is that scientists define bisexuality in many ways. Until they can agree on a definition, these studies are just good ways to spend grant money.

Some bi people are out and open about their sexuality, but many are in the closet (hiding their sexuality), mainly for fear of familial, spiritual and social rejection. Imagine how hard that must be. A bi person—especially a young one—often feels alone, but as a parent, you can help your child find safe ways to discover that he or she is not.

Some bi folks have an almost balanced attraction to the genders, while others prefer one gender and are only occasionally attracted to the other, or have a shifting preference. Some people shift their sexual identity and may have long periods where they identify as straight, bi, or gay. Other people drop labels altogether.

What you have done as a parent has not made your child bisexual, but what you do as a parent can contribute to how comfortable and healthy your child is. There isn’t a cure since it isn’t a disorder, but some people will assure you that it can be cured or is just a phase. That phase thing is confusing, because some people have felt some bisexual tendencies and then gone on to assume a completely homo- or heterosexual identity. This doesn’t mean that everyone who experiences bisexual feelings will. It only means some people experience bisexual feelings that they may or may never act on and identify as gay or straight. Other people live a perfectly happy life identifying as bisexual with feelings that they may or may never act on. Many bisexual men and women have happy monogamous relationships, while some bi people prefer more alternative relationship styles. There are no rules in this area, so I can’t tell you what to expect.

You may have some phases of your own. People finding out that their child is bisexual have been known to experience anger, disbelief, denial, grief – and pretty much every other unpleasant emotion – and some pleasant ones. I can’t tell you what you are feeling, will feel, or should feel. If at any time you or your child are uncomfortable with what you feel, talk to a friend or a professional. There are also support groups.

It may help a lot to talk to your child, who will know more about their feelings than all of the websites, books, and experts out there. You could even help each other through your mutual concerns. If you don’t know how your child feels, tell them so and ask. You may want to consider sharing with your child any bisexual feelings or experiences that you may have had.

As far as letting others—even another parent—know, your child should decide who will know and when, even if it puts you in an awkward situation. Ultimately each person must decide how out he or she wants to be and as loved ones we should respect that. Some people are out in a very “we’re here, we’re queer” way (queer has been adopted by many people with non-mainstream sexual or gender identities) and wear the t-shirt, while others are less expressive.

Sexuality differences also make for social safety issues. Like it or not, kids experiment, so you might consider ensuring that your child has a safe place to bring a date even if you have to stretch your own comfort level. Nobody wants a late night call from an angry parent who just found your child making out with theirs. Trust me: It is far worse when the children are the same sex and this was the first inkling that the other parent had. When straight kids are caught making out in the back seat of a car or in an empty gym, cops, teachers and security guards handle it with one approach; but when those kids are of the same sex, hurtful things are often said or done—sometimes even dangerous things. An ounce of prevention can save a lot of embarrassment and harm.

The scariest thing for me is the suicide rate among gay and bisexual young people. I watched one of my children die at birth and I will do anything to never see that happen again. If that means that I have to get over any of my own issues I will, and I have. Suicide is preventable. Be there for your kid even if you are confused. Don’t be silent because you are afraid that you might say the wrong thing. Bisexuals, especially young bisexual men from the age of fifteen to twenty-five years of age, take their own lives at an alarming rate. Don’t let it happen in your family.

As you look around, you may notice that bisexuality is not very visible in our culture. Given how many experience bisexuality or bisexual feelings at some time, you would expect more. But as a culture, we tend to think in terms of a hetero- and homosexual duality; bisexuality just doesn’t come up and isn’t considered in legal, educational, social and health areas. Some groups have also had specific political agendas to exclude bisexuals and have made an effort to institutionalize biphobia (fear of bisexuals) within our culture. This context has a lot to do with a person’s choice to be out about their bisexuality or to stay in the closet, which makes it rude and even harmful to “out” someone (inappropriately inform others about someone else’s sexual identity).

Another common misconception about bisexuals or any LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi, and transgender) individuals is the issue of promiscuity. Just because your child has a non-straight sexuality or gender identity does not make him or her any more promiscuous than straight kids. And yes, your son or daughter may know his or her sexual orientation and still be a virgin. Your child’s sexual orientation doesn’t matter: You need to talk to him or her about safer sex. If you haven’t, you should be researching that and talking to your child.

You may also be wondering about gender roles and gender identity. Simply put, “Is my son going to start acting like a girl?” “Is my daughter going to start acting like a boy? What should I do?” Do nothing yet, because you may be confused. Gender identity is how a person identifies their own gender and leads to what gender role they fill through behavior. Most bi people maintain their birth gender identity and the accompanying social gender role. People who are shifting their gender identity away from their birth gender and behaving according to the social roles of the non-birth gender are transgender; this is not linked to homo- or bisexuality. A transperson may be bi, gay or straight. But as a good parent, you may want to explain this detail to your child, because he or she might think there is a certain way they’re supposed to act, such as queeny (stereotypical Hollywood character idea of effeminate gay), butch (stereotypical masculine dyke image) or even androgynous (displaying gender role elements from both masculine and feminine social images—the classic rock star stereotype). Your child is allowed to be as feminine or masculine as he or she feels. And those feelings may change with time.

Bisexuality as an identity was identified by name in the 1800s, though we know that it has been around since Sappho and Alexander the Great. In the last few decades it has strengthened socially. There was an unfortunate time when there was tension between bisexuals and the gay and lesbian community. You will run across remnants, but those wounds continue to heal. In recent years, there has been a lot of growth toward community. There are now organizations, such as PFLAG, to help bisexuals and their families.

By reading this you are doing what every parent of every GLBT child should be doing: learning and trying. As long as you are willing to keep learning and trying, you will ultimately get it right. You will make mistakes, but you can fix them. Love your child, not your bisexual child. Love your child who is a person who feels and loves and hates and hurts and dreams and wonders, and who happens to be bisexual.

Sincerely,

Robert L. Barton

[orologea]

ok no this is not what we're doing. this conversation started because of caenis and their gender, with YOU starting off by generalizing onto any given headcanoned trans character. you started this by posting the initial complaint; mind you, in the most side-steppy way possible, by not even reblogging it from the place you sourced it from because you're that much of a fucking coward.

this perpetuates the echo chamber of bigotry since you're posting it specifically to your followers without directly engaging with whom you assume would stand to disagree with this take, knowing you will be backed on it without anyone challenging your opinion.

"you literally JUST said trans men enable rape by head cannoning an anime horse as trans masc. I promise you no headcanon is ever that serious."

headcanons more often than not stem from personal experiences and internallzed beliefs. that is 100% the case here since you also made the argument about people projecting on the given character. so while it may not be intentionally deep, it can be rooted in bigotry you aren't even aware of, which in itself can be damaging. especially when takes like this are widespread.

you contradicted yourself in the same paragraph you tried to dismiss the issue on. by taking issue with the design choice you are actively saying you believe that portraying an assault victim (a fucking fictional character, in your own words) with a certain degree of exposure is an issue. you don't get to say "IT'S A FICTIONAL CHARACTER, IT'S DIFFERENT FROM IRL" and then follow up with "i don't think a bikini was the right choice because it's endangering them". how is it endangering them? do you not understand that you're actively pushing the agenda that wearing a "bikini" is inherently sexual? because unintentional or not that is what you are doing. you brought that point up first to point out how caenis is misrepresented by your own standards, and now you're trying to dismiss your own subsequent implications. moving on.

couple of points.

we are talking about a character who definitively is not transgender in any shape or form. caenis asked for their body to be transformed into that of a man's to avoid the power imbalance. there was never any gender dysphoria involved, it was only ever a matter of just not wanting to be dehumanized in a time period where women were treated with less respect than animals. so yes, objectively any headcanons on caenis' gender would be incorrect on the basis that "transgender" is not a label caenis identified with, because transgender means not identifying with your assigned gender identity. which, again, was never something caenis experienced. in the most simple way i can put it, sex =/= gender.

astolfo was never treated as nonbinary; astolfo is treated like a joke of a character and has been collectively reduced to the "monster can dick pic" meme and being a trap, a fundamentally transphobic slur, by cishet porn addicted men with fragile sexualities.

to come back on track, nobody fucking said that trans men are all sexual deviants. the original point being made is that there's an issue in projecting a trans masculine identity on a character who falls into misogynistic beliefs and patriarchal ideations after perceivably removing themself from the "weaker" sex. and there is, because it puts a bad name on transmasculine people and their dysphoria/trauma. it's simply. bad. transmasculine. representation. in the exact same way that tacking gay agendas onto fictional villains is also an issue. it's a matter of general perception. settling for identifying with problematic depictions of our identities, while gratifying in terms of having something to project on, is by proxy another dig into the way we're perceived as people.

transmasculinity in fiction is often conflated with futanari culture, which is unfortunately a common trend with caenis. i hate to break it to you but being nonbinary is nowhere nearly as sexualized as the premise of "female/female-presenting character with masculine traits". characters like barghest suffer similarly. if anything, the prospect of being nonbinary is actively deemed unattractive by the group of people you're accusing of sexualizing astolfo. that's the whole point of him being called a trap.

wrapping it up, calling someone transphobic for pointing out the problematic nature of a headcanon because they explained what makes it problematic is just a fucking joke. you have no argument to give without risking further contradicting yourself so you're opting to be a fucking dick instead.

eat shit and reflect for doing the exact same thing you just tried to excuse yourself out of (and given i'll probably have to spell it out for you, i am talking about you trying to back away from the possible insinuation that you're one of the people attacking them for their input, when you just did the same thing after being backed into a corner) and tacking labels on another person for giving you a proper and clear explanation to your own inquiry.

and the next time you feel passive aggressive about tags maybe fucking respond to me directly instead of digging into my friend out of frustration. you had the right idea by choosing silence initially since you clearly didn't even understand what was said at any point, so i suggest staying out of sensitive topics you can't wrap your thick fucking skull around.

Takes like this are so exhausting. I get so tired of people saying a character can't be x kind of trans because they're canonically x kind of trans when fate characters are all thrown under this vague umbrella term of "gender unknown" meaning literally everything is down to personal interpretation. How is having an inconsolable relationship with gender a uniquely nonbinary experience anyway? Maybe some trans masc people have trauma themselves and projecting onto caenis is how they cope, how is that hurting anyone? Literally shut up.

[inserttemptitlehere]

An unasked for “moderate” take on TERFs v Trans rights

Nobody asked, I might get cancelled for this (probably by both sides), and honestly I don’t have much belief that this will even be read by many people. But it’s frustrating seeing people being condemned for reasonable fears and requests and I just feel the need to put my opinions out into the ether just to have them out there and so I can stop dwelling on them every time I see stuff like this happen again. 

Like, I just want to slap all the TERFs that purposefully misgender people and spout transphobic rhetoric. And I want to shake everyone who labels anything that complains about misogyny specific to cis women as TERF-y. God.

It seems like many “TERFs” are not actively malicious (although many definitely are), but are merely women who’ve been sexually assaulted or just been ground down by the patriarchy and are understandably (although not necessarily justifiably) scared/upset at the thought of any person with a male body coming into their safe spaces or into their fought for institutions. Whereas most trans people just want to live their lives and be accepted as the gender they identify as without wanting to cause any harm to anyone (although again, there are some they definitely do). 

I personally found much of JK Rowling’s recent essay to be fear mongering, but given that she suffered abuse from her husband I could understand and sympathize with why she had those fears even though I disagree with her conclusions about the actions society/government should take regarding them. I honestly just feel sad for her. I feel sad that the experiences she’s been through have made her so scared. I feel sad that despite the millions of dollars she’s donated to charity and work she’s done to make the world a better place she has now hurt so many people and this action will be what she’s remembered for. I feel sad that the extremely angry responses she’s gotten will most likely only solidify her fear and perpetuate her actions that will most likely cause more hurt for more people.

I’ll also say that her original tweet that sparked it all was valid! It is dehumanizing to reduce people to their genitals (ironically something people say TERFs do) and it erases the fact that almost all of these people are targeted because they are women. And it feels somewhat sexist as I’ve never seen an article refer to a certain group as “penis havers” or “semen producers”. I can, however, still see how it would be exclusive however to only refer to “people who menstruate” as “women”. A better wording would’ve been “women and trans men”. Because then no one would be left out. And don’t @ me about that somehow leaving out ‘trans women’, because guess what, there are cis women who don’t menstruate! If we can recognize that “Not all men” is a bad take, why on earth are we accepting “Not all women” as a correct one?

Look, not all cis women menstruate. Not all cis women can or do become pregnant. But we still label these as generic ‘women’s issues’ because they affect a large portion of women. But it should go both ways! I believe that makes the gross femininity trans women need to perform to qualify for hormones a ‘women’s issue’ and the difficulty of getting insurance to cover said hormones a ‘women’s issue’. Because they’re issues that affects a large portion of women. Heck, I know most Transmen find the fact that some TERFs include them in their feminism irritating, but I’m also fine with including specific issues affecting the ones that don’t feel that way as ‘feminist issues’.

I am 100% against misgendering people, am 100% supportive of including trans women’s specific issues as part of the overall fight to help women, and I will happily state “transwomen are women”. But, I do agree that there are a handful of cis women spaces/institutions that it becomes morally grey to accept transwomen into without any sort of provisions. Especially given the fact that if there were absolutely zero strings attached to legally identifying a certain way, then there are definitely cis people who would abuse the system. Personally, I don’t think we should completely structure our society based on these fears - although I can again understand the people who have not had as privileged of a life as I have feeling differently (even if I ultimately disagree with them).

Anyway my take on said spaces/institutions:

Bathrooms: Single parents of opposite sexed kids already use the opposite gendered bathroom to teach them how to use it (and should be allowed to). If a cis man wants to rape you in a bathroom that you’re alone in, I don’t think the societal norms are really going to stop him. And since trans people just want to use the bathroom in peace, let them. Maybe it’s because I’ve never felt comfortable peeing in public and thus never felt the bathroom to be a ‘safe space’, but I’ve never understood the argument against this.

Changing rooms: Go where you identify. If you start acting like a creep, then there should be some course of action to either get you banned or limit your access to said changing room. That policy should hold for cis or trans people.

Women’s support groups: Already made my opinion on this clear I hope. Although I will say that if talk about certain genitalia/bodily functions is triggering, it’s not right to shut down all discussion regarding those things for the other people there. Instead we should have, you know, trigger warnings so that everyone can either prepare themselves accordingly or leave the room and no one is triggered or feels like they are unable to talk about their issues.

Rape shelters: It is 100% valid for a cis woman that was a victim of rape to not want to share their space with someone with a working penis. If there is absolutely nothing that can be done to make said person feel safe, then it should be the right of the shelter to refuse long term stay to the person causing that issue (through no fault of their own) - although the shelter should do everything it can to make sure the trans woman has a place to stay/go. On the other hand, if a trans woman was already there before such a victim, it would not be right to toss out the trans woman to grant access to the cis woman who has the problem with them.

Sports: I personally don’t know enough of the science behind it, but it seems to me that bare minimum they shouldn’t be allowed to compete without doing hormone therapy. And even then the skeletal differences and remaining hormonal differences may still prevent things from being reasonably fair (although I wouldn’t know). It’s definitely not fair to let a trans person pre-hormones compete on the team their gender matches with. Honestly, in an ideal world we’d somehow have an objective way to sort sports into co-ed groups based on athletic ability similar to how weight classes work for wrestling.

Prisons: Non violent crime? Go where you identify. Violent crime? Sorry, gotta go based on your sex (unless you’ve had bottom surgery). It is immoral to lock a convicted rapist with a penis in a cell with women who have no way of getting away from them. I mean, maybe we could have ‘wings’ for trans people so they could go to the prison they identify as and they’d just have separate cells. But until that becomes the norm, the few violent trans criminals should not be allowed to go where they identify.

Kids: Not an institution, but definitely a hot topic. Personally, I think only puberty blockers until they hit adulthood and extensive therapy to make sure that they are in fact trans. Admittedly JK Rowling’s essay about this bit sounded a bit like, “The spooky trans cult is coming for your neurodivergent and gay children!” But it did have small feeling of truth to it as well. As a GNC, cis, autistic woman who had dysphoria as a teen I also worry that I might have been incorrectly diagnosed as trans if I’d been born later. But I don’t think it’s something we as a society need to be extremely worried about or use as an excuse to make things harder on trans kids and adults. We just need to make sure that kids get the therapy they need to sort out whether they’re trans or just having the common dysphoria you have as a teen and chafing against gender roles. We can rubber stamp adults if they want, it’s only kids that should have to go through some minor hoops.

Finally, on being “Gender Critical”. I have to say, the idea of smashing the concept of gender and everybody just living as they are with no societal expectations for them to be one way or another based loosely on their biological sex sounds wonderful. I’m just upset that so many who support this concept are so transphobic because technically in that future there would be no ‘trans’ people (except those that suffer dysphoria) and they feel this gives them the right to act horribly towards trans people. I did recently talk to some TRAs who explained to me that, unlike ‘Gender Critical’ proponents, their ‘gender’ model is split into multiple components. That you’ve got your biological sex (your parts), your gender identity (what you feel you are), your gender presentation (how you dress and act), and gender roles (how society expects you to act based on your gender). So it seems to me, that we can still reach a version of that wonderful future that doesn’t erase people. Smashing gender roles and the idea that there is a ‘correct’ way to present as a gender would achieve ‘female liberation’ while still allowing for people who still desire to identify a certain way. We shouldn’t completely do away with gender, just the things that society expects from it. 

[tthael]

Hi, english is not my first language so if I don't make any sense you know why. I'm sorry if i gave you the wrong impression with my ask.I've never read the book so "the shape" of these characters for me personally comes from the movie where Richie is gay. I've recently found out that people that read the book consider him bi. That's why when i read a fic where it's not explicitly stated i always wonder. I saw that you have a tumblr so i was like why not ask.

Hi nonny! Thank you for coming back to clarify, I’m sorry for the defensive tone of my response. Thank you very much for reading my stuff. Nothing about the phrasing of your question was what made me respond that way, just the topic, because I know it’s a hot button issue in fandom at the moment. Nobody wants to be responsible for erasing a sexual minority or a canonical sexual identity--and while in the book Richie’s sexuality is only coded, I’ve been told that André Muschietti explicitly stated that the film portrayal of Richie is gay. So of course, I think that film!Richie is portrayed as gay, and if I were to write Richie based on the film alone, I most likely would write him as gay.

The thing is, I don’t really write exclusively film!Richie. I think that there’s a very rich vein of characterization to be found in the book, which is of course door-stoppingly long, and compared to the limited amount of screentime the movies could spend on each of the Losers, not to mention the changes to their backgrounds the films made (looking at you, tween!Ben who suddenly morphs into adult!Mike), I like to pull from the greatest evidence pool available. That’s why I like to include the teenage werewolf, I like to include Stan’s bird book of North America, I like to include Eddie’s fascination with cars and trains and other mechanical transportation, I like to include Bev’s mother as having been alive during Bev’s childhood, I like to include Ben’s outrunning the track team out of spite, I like to include Bill’s uncanny charisma and his compelling nature, and I like to include Mike with a kinder more curious childhood than he’s allowed in the film. Also, I studied literature in college and I’m just more comfortable with analyzing that than I am analyzing film.

I also really liked the film casting for the adult Losers! It’s very shallow of me but I like how they look, I think they’re all very attractive, and I’m more interested in writing with their physicalities in mind than I am in, say, the actors for the 1990s miniseries. This is a personal preference, just because I myself do not enjoy Bill’s ponytail or Richie’s mustache or Bev as a brunette. I’ve also only ever seen clips of the miniseries. And honestly, I like Bill Hader as Richie in glasses, despite book!Richie wanting to wear contacts as an adult; I find without glasses I have difficulty perceiving him as the character. So I can’t claim to be a book purist--I like writing about the 2016 setting and those are mostly the faces of the Losers I see in my head. I tweak them sometimes--I don’t think I’ve written Richie with blue eyes yet, for example.

So I blend the canons when I decide what to draw on for the fic. That means that, for me, unless it’s explicitly stated, I probably don’t have an intention one way or the other when I write Richie’s sexuality. So far I’ve always written him as a man who loves men, and always as involved and in love with Eddie. I know that for some people that won’t be good enough, that for some people it’s very important to them to see their characters explicitly identify as one label or the other, but I’m afraid that just isn’t a priority for me in my portrayals.

This is informed by 2 things: 1) I like to write the Losers as 40-year-old adults in 2016, and we know that Richie produces a host of problematic content in his career. This of course shouldn’t mean that my portrayal of Richie /should/ be problematic and that’s not my intention--instead, I’m suggesting that when I write Richie, I write a lot about self-loathing and internalized homophobia, and so I focus a lot more on his attraction to men, which in my fic he’s usually not comfortable with, than any potential/past attraction to women. Of course I don’t feel that self-loathing is the necessary response to same-sex attraction, but I also think of the Losers as adults of a certain age who might not always be accurate or thoughtful in discussing the changing world of sexual identities (finding words for them specifically, filling the lexical gap).

I wrote a scene in Things That Happen After Eddie Lives where Richie runs across a gender non-conforming person and initially reads them as female, but then during the conversation remembers that isn’t always the case these days and switch to trying to avoid pronouns for them or trying to refer to them with gender neutral pronouns. But Richie and Eddie still call Jordan and Sarah lesbians, without asking whether they’re a romantic pairing of two bisexual people, or without considering that Jordan might be a man. Richie even wonders if “girlfriend” is being used romantically or platonically the way that women of previous generations do. I have a bead on Jordan’s and Sarah’s identity--but only because Jordan’s me! I think that, as a man born in 1976, growing up extremely closeted, and never engaging in the wider discussion around LGBTQ culture in a constructive way, Richie might be prone to simplification. This, of course, doesn’t mean I’m opposed to a Richie who openly identifies as strictly gay or strictly bi!

2) The second thing that informs the ambiguity of my portrayal of Richie’s sexuality is my own experience with my sexuality and gender. I am closeted in real life. In recent years I have tried a number of identities that, at the time, I believed to fit, but the labels were never clear-cut for me. I am coming to accept, slowly, that in the same way the physical body doesn’t grow to exact neat clean specifications, I might never be able to describe myself accurately and totally in one term. That’s all that I’m willing to share about my experience at this time. My personal philosophy is much like the one Eddie professes when he comes out in Indelicate: it doesn’t seem important to me that people know my preferences unless I’m a) sleeping with them or b) actively dating and trying to put myself out there.

Again, some people have completely different experiences! For some people being closeted is intolerable and having an identity--a word for what they are--really helps them self-actualize and live their truth! For some people, they’re very excited about their identity and participate in Pride events and take joy in asserting that this is who they are to the world! For some people, they never have the awareness that this or that idle feeling might mean they actually /don’t/ fit with how the world sees them. And while I’m a great advocate of self-exploration (comes of being vain as I am), some people don’t do that, and that’s fine!

I know that ambiguity is not a neutral answer when it comes to these questions. In the summer of 2019 when the Good Omens miniseries was released, many fans reached out to author Neil Gaiman asking for confirmation that the angel Aziraphale and the demon Crowley were gay. Gaiman said, “Theirs is a love story.” He said, “They’re not human and I can’t ascribe human sexual identity to them.” He said, “My coauthor is deceased and I can’t make such confirmations without him.” (These are not direct quotes and I don’t have sources, I’m sorry, it’s been a year.) This was not satisfactory to all parties. For some people explicit confirmation of that gender identity is important. And why shouldn’t it be? Their own is important to them.

But I’m from a school of literary analysis where I welcome different interpretations of my works, which are in this case of course derivative and dependent on evidence from the canons I draw on. I write Richie in love with Eddie, and that’s enough for me. If it’s not for the reader, either I feel there’s ample room to interpret my Richie the way they prefer--not just limited to gay or bi! After the first sex scene in TTHAEL Richie is stunned by how he enjoyed that far more than any other sexual encounter he’s ever had, and I think that’s welcome to interpretations of Richie with demisexuality /or/ Richie just finally having fulfilling sex with a man because he’s gay or bi /OR/ Richie has had good sex before but this was just WAY better because he likes sex better when he’s in love with his partner. And every portrayal of Richie I write is slightly different, so Richie from Indelicate might have different sexual attraction/orientation than Richie from Automatic - Mechanical - Pneumatic or Richie from TTHAEL. BUT I don’t want to say that my interpretation is the only valid one--just know that when I write Richie, I write him as a man in love with another man. If I were to write a story about Richie involved with someone other than Eddie, I would tag for it up front.

Again, I know this is a very long answer and probably not as concise or clear as you might like it to be. Thank you so much for coming back around to explain your logic, I apologize for my wariness the first time around, thank you for asking these questions in good faith. “Why not ask” is of course the simplest way to settle an issue and I don’t want to discourage anyone from asking me questions about my fic. If there are other things you have questions about, please don’t hesitate to ask, either here or by sending me a private message, I  don’t mind either way.

[dharc16]

It’s good to be back witches! I have been away for a while but I’m back with this post for all christian witches out there!

BEGINNING MAGIC

5 HARD TRUTHS ABOUT MAGIC

Of the many laws of magic, there are a few that you’ll never see on a T-shirt or affirmation board. Here, we’ll cover some of the tough stuff: The harsh, unsettling, the ambiguous facts of living an enchanted life.

This article was inspired by some recent discussions of false positivity—that is, the habitual repetition of encouraging words and images. In short, false positivity means well, but it does harm by shutting down discussion of anything problematic. You can’t hide the truth forever—and when you try, it seeps out in sneaky and unexpected ways.

There are certain aspects of magic that are difficult to come to terms with. The purpose of airing them is not to discourage anyone from their path, but to counter some of the shallow advice and empty promises that the witchy blogosphere churns out.

It’s time for some straight talk about magic—some Swords to go with your Cups, some Rue with your Roses.

IT'S NOT FOR EVERYONE

It's not for everyone.

Can anyone become a Witch? Any honest answer to this question is complicated. In some ways, yes—the magical arts are open to all who seek them. In other ways, no. Some people lack the gifts, the learning—but most often, the dedication—to become effective practitioners of the Craft.

These two are the fundamental magical skills: The ability to alter reality through will. And, the ability to perceive things beyond the normal senses. These experiences are part of our natural state of being. They are, in a sense, the birthright of every conscious creature.

Yet these abilities are constrained on our earthly plane and must be located and cultivated. You need a strong will to accomplish this. It takes repetition. It takes humility. It often requires help from others—partners, plants, disparate parts of self—whose cooperation you must earn.

In short, excelling in magic is just like excelling in business or music or athletics. Not every aspirant will have what it takes. Talent only gets you so far. Hard work isn’t always enough. Sometimes you do everything right and still don’t get the results you want.

It’s not easy. It’s not for everyone (or at least, not all of the time).

REAL WITCRAFT ISN'T PHOTOGENIC

Real magic isn't photogenic.

Thick black eyeliner, a bespoke cloak, moon tattoos, and a table full of Amethysts—that’s what magick is made of, right? Sure, if you believe the internet. Like so many other things, witchcraft has been co-opted in recent years by lifestyle bloggers and tastemakers, advertisers and influencers. Super-stylish, just-edgy-enough witchy pics go hand-in-hand with the idea that magick is a piece of cake.

What’s wrong with enjoying all these highly performative images of witchcraft? Nothing! There’s no reason a person can’t be genuinely magical and also extremely good at self-presentation. Visual art is a kind of magic, too. However, let’s not make the mistake of confusing Instagram witches with the real thing.

It’s even possible for personal magic and social media to work at cross-purposes. Oversharing violates the principle of magical silence—the idea that talking about your workings can dilute or disperse their energy. People who endlessly photograph their working tools, altars, and ritual garments are arguably siphoning off some of their power for the sake of likes and followers.

Thinking back about the most powerful magic I’ve witnessed, much of it has been in the dark, among old or shabbily dressed people, with nary a smartphone in sight. The most eye-opening books I own are crappy dog-eared paperbacks that would look terrible in a tableau with a crystal pendant and a sprig of Rosemary. Pinterest offers no altar porn for the third eye…you’ll have to find those goodies on your own.

MAGIC IS DANGEROUS

Magic is dangerous.

With experience, I see a grain of truth in this warning. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies out there, folks. Different magicians have different opinions about whether spirit entities have an external reality or only dwell within the mind of the magic worker. Spirit entities are real, they have independent consciousness, and not all of them have your best interests in mind. The dead are asleep in their graves, according to God, and are not trying to communicate with you. And those who believe that they can believe in spirits, or even worse, control spirits, are placing themselves in a dangerous position.

Let’s look at the energy model of magic. Playing with spiritual technologies — certain forms of meditation, invocation, astral travel, etc. — can cause extreme and rapid shifts in your energy body. They can wreck your appetite and mess with your sex life. They can effect changes in your mood and sleep cycle that will disrupt every aspect of your daily existence.

Other hazards of the occult are more pedestrian: You can become arrogant (common!). You can turn into a colossal bore who only talks to plants (and even the plants wish you would shut up). You can invite the scorn of people who don’t approve of your path, people who formerly respected you. It’s hard to keep your spiritual and mundane lives in balance—but it’s absolutely necessary if you want to make magic a lifelong quest.

Anything worthwhile carries some risk. With magic, we are talking about nothing less than the rapid evolution of the soul…so it only makes sense than the risks would be commensurate with the reward. Only you can weigh the dangers and decide if it’s worth doing. (See #1: It’s not for everybody.)

YOU DON"T NEED TOOLS FOR EFFECTIVE SPELLWORK

You don't need tools.

As a people who identify with the label “witch,” we often find that people want to perform “spells” to manifest what they need or want in their lives. Spells are nothing more than prayers to God, the source of all power. People use candles or herbs or the like to help focus their own minds and strengthen their intentions. There is no power inherent in the spells or the tools themselves outside of their ability to help us focus our intention. God and our own intentions are where the power lies. So the ultimate goal is to realize where our power comes from, and to come to the point where we no longer need tools to help us focus. With this goal in mind, we begin to understand the importance of meditation, which helps us clear our minds and focus our intention. Meditation is the best tool you will have in your arsenal.

THERE ARE NO EXPERTS

There are no experts.

“We’re all apprentices in a craft where no one becomes a master.” Ernest Hemingway was referring to writing, but the same can certainly be said of the metaphysical arts.

Magic is a vast and mysterious topic. There’s a natural instinct to look up to people who have been at it longer than you, or who seem to be more sure of themselves. But while some people are objectively more accomplished, there’s nobody who’s got it all figured out. We are all grappling with the inexplicable mystery of consciousness. We are all grasping at forms we can’t possibly see the shape of.

It’s scary to realize that everybody else is basically flying blind. But it’s liberating, too. When you stop relying on others to show you the way, you can begin to truly explore your own power. In turn, there's nothing wrong with learning from the experience of others. You simply have to find your own groove.

And there you have it...five tough nuggets. I don't expect that this will become one of my most popular posts ever, but I'm happy that I published it. What are your hard-won magical truths?

Adapted from Grove and Grotto

[boundinshallows]

#39 secret for tommy/alfie ?

So, Tommy’s absolutely on lock down about all sorts of things, and I don’t even know if he’d consider them secrets per se because secrets implies that maybe another party should be privy to certain information. Of course, the biggest secret he’s keeping is him and Alfie, and I think it’s one that Tommy’s incredibly afraid of letting get out (not just because of the era necessarily).

But Alfie, well I think it depends on how you interpret the whole sodomite line from s2. I read it at face value rather than some strange metaphor like I know some folks do. For me, Alfie doesn’t go around advertising his interest in men, but he’s certainly not afraid to be seen with a man, at least once he’s an established gangster. He has power. If someone tries to fuck with him, he’ll crush him. I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen Tony Kushner’s Angels in America, but there’s this *incredible* scene between the fictionalized version of Roy Cohn and his doctor, Henry: 

Roy Cohn: Your problem, Henry, is that you are hung up on words, on labels: “gay”, “homosexual”, “lesbian.” You think they tell you who a person sleeps with, but they don’t tell you that. Like all labels, they refer to one thing and one thing only: Where does a person so identified fit in the food chain? In the pecking order. Not ideology or sexual taste, but something much simpler: clout. Who owes me favors. Not who I fuck or who fucks me, but who will pick up the phone when I call. To someone who doesn’t understand this, homosexual is what I am because I sleep with men, but this is wrong. Homosexuals are not men who sleep with other men. Homosexuals are men who, in 15 years of trying, can’t get a pissant anti-discrimination bill through City Council. They are men who know nobody, and who nobody knows. Now, Henry, does that sound like me?

Henry: No.

Roy Cohn: No. I have clout — lots! I pick up that phone, dial 15 numbers, and guess who’s on the other end of the line? In under five minutes, Henry.

Henry: The President.

Roy Cohn: Better — his wife.

Henry: I’m impressed.

Roy Cohn: I don’t want you to be impressed, Henry — I want you to understand. This is not sophistry, and this is not hypocrisy. This is reality. I have sex with men, but unlike nearly every other man of which this is true, I bring the guy I’m screwing to Washington, and President Reagan smiles at us and shakes his hand, because what I am is defined entirely by who I am. Roy Cohn is not a homosexual. Roy Cohn is a heterosexual man who fucks around with guys.

(I actually use this exchange to teach my students about the rhetorical force of names/labels, and I find the whole exchange fascinating in terms of how Kushner, as the author, is articulating power and how some men who had sex with men could be left to die from the AIDS epidemic and how others could be bffs with a president who didn’t even say the word AIDS until SIX YEARS after the first cases. How does it happen? Well, kinda like Cohn lays out there.)

Now, I’m not suggesting that Alfie thinks of himself as a heterosexual man who fucks around with guys. Labels aren’t really working the same way. What I think the quote does articulate nicely in this case is that people are remarkably forgiving/tolerant/whatever when someone has enough social capital. Alfie has a lot of influence in London. He can fuck who he likes (can even call himself a sodomite in front of a bunch of men and be unconcerned about how they’d interpret it) and reasonably expect no one to talk shit about it. Or if they do, then Alfie has someone deal with it. So his sexuality is maybe London’s worst kept secret, but still secret-ish at first glance. 

[shkspr]

hey do you have any advice on figuring out your sexuality? I don't know what your experience has been but im struggling

anon, i am deeply sorry that it took me so long to answer this. it’s a combination of the fact that you can’t edit a draft of an ask on mobile (wack) and the fact that i’ve been trying to figure out how to say what i want to say (normal, i feel). anyway, this is what i’ve got, and i hope it helps.

first off, due to the nature of the things i’m discussing here, i want to state unequivocally that i am a lesbian who is open to relationships with trans women because i am attracted to women, and trans women are women. if anybody touches this post with their transmisogyny i will cast the evil eye on them. 

for what it’s worth, my experience with my own sexuality has been a long, hard process, and it’s been heavily, undeniably affected by my simultaneous journey with my gender identity, my personal identity, my childhood trauma, and my mental health. pretty much from the ages of 13 to 19 i was in a constant state of questioning everything about myself as a person. the only reason i even considered i might not be straight was bc i had friends who were not straight and i admired them. you can see how that would be confusing to a small teen who is already insecure about being a poser and a fake in every other aspect of life.

once i really examined what i was feeling, and talked it out with some of the aforementioned friends, i could admit that i wasn’t pretending, and that’s when i began identifying as bi. i wove in and out of different terminologies for a few years, burned thru several nb identities and several aspec identities, but the bottom line was that i was attracted to my own gender and other genders, and that was solid for a while.

when i was 18, i began thinking that i might be a lesbian bc, shock of shocks, i had made some very cool lesbian friends whom i admired. and i pretty much pushed that idea out of the way for a bit, telling myself it was not the truth, that i just wanted to feel special and cool, i just wanted to fit in. but then, shock of shocks again, i talked to some of my cool lesbian friends and they were very understanding and accepting and explained to me why all the reasons i thought i “couldn’t” be a lesbian were actually bullshit. 

so then i was a lesbian! and i spent a long time exploring my relationship with sex and found that i wasn’t asexual; some people are, and that’s cool! but my experience wasn’t a lack of sexual attraction or desire, it was a fear of vulnerability and a traumatic history with sexual content. i still had (or have) a complex experience with sex, and a muddy picture of gender, and a deeply flawed concept of interpersonal relationships, but i am a lesbian. and i’ve been comfortable with that for a while now, and i don’t foresee myself changing how i feel about that, but unexpected things can happen. 

and even though i’m comfortable with being a lesbian and calling myself a lesbian, there are always going to be things that give me pause. the thing is, the main way that i’ve changed and grown in this regard, is that those things don’t make me seriously question myself anymore. i’m secure enough in my sexuality to know that comphet, genderfeels, societal bias, etc etc, doesn’t make me less of a lesbian, even though it might feel like it sometimes.

that’s what it’s been like for me. my experiences are not universal, but i do happen to know that some of them are fairly common. but there’s also no right or wrong way to find yourself. there’s no rush, there’s no requirement. it is confusing and difficult more often than not, in a lot of different and scary ways. that being said, if there’s one piece of advice you take away from this post, it’s to always remember that your experiences are your own, and nobody else can decide for you what they mean or what to do with them.

it’s like this: you know when people say “everyone’s a little bit bisexual”? that’s not true, obviously. but i think there’s a truth hidden underneath it, and i think it’s a common experience that erroneously leads some people to that belief. no matter how you identify, there is almost always going to be something - compulsory heterosexuality, personal trauma that makes sex or romance uncomfortable, past relationships, one (1) very attractive man, whatever it is - that makes you think you’re wrong. even if you know you’re right. there’s always going to be something that could at any moment cause you to stop and think: wait, am i lying to myself?

and some people are not as vulnerable to those thoughts! some people go thru their daily lives and very rarely, if ever, consciously question their sexuality or their perception or performance of it. but other people are more susceptible to the thought spirals and the self-doubt and the confusion, and society at large feeds that and feeds upon it. for every lesbian you meet, there’s seven people giving twelve different reasons why they can’t be a “real” lesbian. for every bisexual person you meet, there’s a handful of thinkpieces about bisexuality that contradict their experiences. and so on and so forth. and that’s enough to cause a lot of indecision and anxiety.

but it’s also very freeing to take that thought and follow it to its necessary conclusion: that nobody on earth can tell you what your sexuality is. sure, if you’re a woman who feels genuine attraction to men and wants to pursue sex or relationships with them, you’re not a lesbian. that’s just because words have meanings. but you get to decide what “genuine attraction” is to you, and you get to decide whether you’re comfortable pursuing those relationships. and that’s just one example; the same logic applies broadly.

the bottom line is really that agonizing over labels and definitions just means you miss the forest for the trees. in a practical sense, in real life, who would you want to date, marry, kiss, have sex with, etc.? without thinking about what you should do, what you should want, what you’d be able to do if you had to, what you did last week, internet discourse, a dream you had when you were 12, whatever, none of it is relevant except insofar as it informs your current feelings on the matter. you’re not obligated to choose a label, and if you want one then there’s no deadline to pick one, and once you do you’re not locked into an identity for life.

which is all to say that no, not everybody is a little bit bisexual, but nobody is 100% anything, in this or any other facet of life. and that doesn’t mean that people’s sexualities aren’t valid; they are valid, but they aren’t objective or concrete in the way we would often like them to be. they’re helpful labels for explaining something that is actually unfathomably complicated. so whatever you do, whatever you decide: you don’t need to be sure, you don’t need to be right, you don’t need to be a certain kind of person, you don’t need to be anything in particular. you just need to be comfortable. 

[lovelyrhink]

just watched dan’s video and a lot of it struck a chord with me,

especially hanging out with the emo queer kids and identifying as “bisexual” in school because it was a safety net that meant you were free to exist in your queer space while not claiming something you “probably weren’t” and when he’s talking about labels fitting and also being a formless blob i felt that in my sad, sad soul like you can identify with something that feels right but also be torn apart by what you think you should be or how things should apply to you. i’ve always existed in the queer space, not straight but not sure enough or feeling enough of anything to really define myself outside of terms that might not even work for me later on. the emphasis on being okay to exist without knowing is really important, especially for those of us who don’t have the experiences, the good experiences, or the feelings in our bodies or the connections or the sure-knowing of being what we are.

existing in the formless queer space is okay, and while i know i’ve thrown a lot of terms around on this blog, the truth is that i’m still as unsure as i was at 13 constructing intricate rituals to kiss girls and at 16 when i claimed myself as unfuckable because i didnt like feeling like a fucktoy for someone to play with and sexual traumas made me not want to be touched ever, and even now i have no idea of how or when i’ll come out to my family even if i live somewhere highly liberal in some ways and my dad has already teased me about having a wife. personally, this platform especially has ruined my own journey by throwing ifs, ands, buts, and qualifiers at me since i first arrived 8 years ago. it would be so much easier for me to just say i’m queer and that’s it, goodbye, but so many elements about labeling and subcultures and the humor of being one thing or another *demand* that i say things or force things or claim things. and it’s really fucking frustrating not having some all-encompassing horniness to fall back on, like what the fuck am i supposed to be feeling for other people when i can’t even feel it within myself? like, naturally? and at this point i’m reserving the right to come out to my parents when i bring a serious girlfriend home and that’s it.

once i feel what i can name, i’ll tell them, but in the meantime please take one from dan and understand that this weird aqueous queer space of my social medias are not necessarily representative of what i know for sure. i might use a term one day and identify certain behaviors the next. i don’t even want to end this post with the “idk if i’m bi and just shallow or i’ve always been a lesbian or my childhood experiences caused my brain to literally shut down that part of my body and left me with nothing more than a vague semblance of the term ‘asexual’” because nobody owns that of me. i don’t owe qualifiers or answers or descriptions. i’m definitely queer, certainly romantically and sexually queer, and i’m tired of feeling like i should be forcing myself to be more lustful than i am so that i might “qualify” in certain queer spaces. a lot of it just comes down to the fact that i’ve never actually been intimate with someone i’m really romantically connected to, and a lack of experience makes it so i don’t know how to identify. but even the thought that i *must* identity is harmful, just as this back-and-forth of “disallowing” myself a slight attraction to men is harmful. and who knows what that type of attraction even is! as of my most recent sexual experience, it’s clearly more in my head than my body and i still get weird when people try to touch me or perform sex acts on me.

i like to maintain control and perhaps i’ve got some deep-seated issues that make it impossible for me to want to be touched sexually by anyone but that’s for me and my future therapists to figure out, and not some mean, gatekeeping bloggers can ever make me feel pressured to be one thing or another. i really appreciate what dan said about existing until you feel comfortable to come out. and for all the shit i say and all the shit i act like, truth is i haven’t had the right experiences or the right feelings in my body to guide me the way other people can. maybe a little bit of me *is* broken and a lot more of me is queer, maybe i’m fucked up by childish boys and not allowing myself a connection to mature adult men, and maybe i’m just kidding myself all over and should have known based on the 8 years of softball and my first kiss, porn discovery, sex games, and orgasmic sexual experience all being female/female that i’m really just a big lesbian. who knows! not fucking me. and if anyone anywhere tries to tell me what i’m feeling or what i said about myself once and what i can’t say now, you can literally choke on my big toe because this body tells me Some Things and my brain tells Others. so thank you and fuck you and goodnight

anyway i love dan and i love my queer history even if it’s painful and confusing and CERTAINLY unfinished!

[midnight-fox-boy]

This is why overlapping identities are important

So here’s the thing. People like to point out how “X is just Y!!! Just admit you’re Y-phobic!!” Because they see overlaps in definitions. The reason why these exist is because people deserve to feel comfortable in their label. For instance, just because your pansexual doesn’t mean you’re biphobic, you just don’t personally feel comfortable with that label, or feel it doesn’t grab the whole picture of who you are. Another controversial example is homoflexible and heteroflexible. People constantly shout how it’s biphobic and they’re just bisexual with a preference...When..that isn’t the case. People don’t understand that “exceptions” to a usual orientation aren’t the same as a preference. A preference is preferring something over something else, but you still like that something else to a certain degree. An exception is different. An exception is like a very rare occurance. For example, Maybe you usually eat fruit and have no interest in vegetables. But very very rarely or under specific circumstances, you do have an interest in eating vegetables. It’s not a preference, you just usually don’t like vegetables. Hetero/homoflexible are the same. You are USUALLY ONLY attracted to a certain gender, but you acknowledge that you maybe have been attracted to someone else in the past, but they were an exception, and you like nobody else sexually/romantically of that gender, just that specific person. Knowing this happened in the past, you may not want to exactly call yourself gay or straight, but bisexual doesn’t feel right either. So homo/heteroflexible is I suppose a “Middle ground” for lack of a better word. You aren’t bicurious, because you know you have been attracted to someone of that gender, rather than being unsure or curious of how you feel.

Pansexual, Polysexual, And hetero/homoflexible do not erase the meaning of bisexual and they don’t exclude them. They’re all a part of the same pie. They all experience some form of multisexual attraction, but they are all separate pieces of the puzzle. It is wrong to accuse bisexual people of being transphobic just for being bisexual, just as it’s wrong of accusing someone who is the others of being biphobic, just for being something other than bisexual. (Both instances exist, but they do not make up a large portion of each community, there’s exclusionists in basically ALL communities)

Now onto the gender side of this. We see terms that widely overlap, but have slightly different meanings. For instance, there are many ways to describe my gender, but I picked the one that made me most happy and comfortable and I felt it captured how I feel about my gender better than the other labels I knew of. I identify as an Agender Guy. Which to me, means that most of the time I don’t feel any gender, and rarely experience feeling male. But I always want to pass as male, be perceived as a guy around cis people, I wish I had a male body, and I don’t mind being gendered as a male. I am agender, but I’m also very much a guy. Even more rare than male, I feel almost androgynous, but I don’t really include it in my gender label as it’s very rare and is more of a more androgynous masculine feeling)  Gender is more than the gendered feeling you feel. Your connection to gender can vary. Which is why we have masculine-aligned nonbinary people, because they may not experience the male gender, but they feel they’re very tied to masculinity.

There are definitely other terms that could describe me, as mine is just a mix of the words “agender” and “guy” with my own meaning. I defined it my way.

For instance,

Demiboy,

Transmasculine agender

Transmasculine nonbinary

Proxvir

Boyflux/Genderflux

Agender masculine (Similarly, Libramasculine, I coined agender masculine as an alternative if you don’t want to use zodiac names, and it has a slightly different definition)

Nonbinary Trans guy

Genderqueer

Bigender (Agender + Male)

Trigender (Agender + Male + Androgyne-masculine/Androx)

Genderfluid

The list could probably go on.

My point is, is that labels exist to help us define ourselves and find communities of like-identified people who we can connect to. One of these labels never takes meaning away from other similar labels. They all have meaning to those who use it. You’re not X-phobic for being something other than “X”. You’re X-phobic if you have negative thoughts and feelings about the “X” identity or anyone who uses that identity. Gender is more than black and white, and we’re blessed with the language people have brought to the table. Because it gives us more options than the general LGBTQIA. But we still all fall under that umbrella. There are people who have used a common label for a long time because it was closest to how they felt but still weren’t content but found something similar but different and felt less paranoid about being “different than most people who identify as X” and felt happier with that label.

Don’t let ANYONE tell you who you are. YOU know who you are! If polysexual makes you happy and feel good and bisexual doesn’t? That’s okay! It exists for people who feel polysexual describes them better.

If bisexual makes you feel good but you could technically identify as pansexual but it didn’t feel right? That’s okay! Bisexual makes YOU happy that’s what matters.

Maybe you identify as the lesser known omnisexual but keep being told you’re just a pansexual who “wants to feel special”. You matter too! Your identity and how you label yourself is completely valid.

Maybe you identify as an abinary gender like neutrois, maverique, or agender but don’t feel female and are AMAB, but are also transitioning medically because that’s the body you want and not tied to your gender, Because sex doesn’t always equal gender. You exist and matter, and you if you don’t feel demigirl or something similar fits you, then you keep the identity you have!

Nobody has to fit EXACTLY into strict definitions to identify as something that feels comfortable. Sometimes the best we can do is find something “close enough” until we find something that works. Bisexual means 2 or more, and if you’re attracted to men, women, and nonbinary people, that is 2 or more. So you don’t have to pick pansexual or polysexual if you’re happy. Some definitions are left more open for that reason. Polysexual means many but not all genders. It doesn’t specify how many you have to be attracted to. Attracted to men, and all masculine genders?  Attracted to all genders but men? Attracted to all nonbinary genders but not people who are strictly binary? Those all COULD fall under polysexual

Sorry this was long, but I’m tired of seeing comments like “X IS JUST Y!!!” and “Y-PHOBIC!!” When that doesn’t have to be the case. When I was explaining hetero/homoflexible, people kept calling me biphobic. All because I said this identity exists and how SOME people see the differences between the two. Exceptions does not equal preference. But they don’t seem to get that. But others who were bi agreed with me. There’s nothing wrong, transphobic, or enbyphobic about being bisexual. The identity itself isn’t any of those things, though people who ARE bisexual CAN be those things, just like any other LGBTQIA+ person can be “phobic” against other LGBTQIA+ labels. We’re all under this umbrella together, after all, so we shouldn’t be trying to invalidate other people’s experiences when we don’t sit in their shoes or experience their lives and emotions.

I’m also tired of being told I can’t be agender AND a guy. Because the way some people see gender is very inaccurate. It’s a spectrum, and you can fall on multiple spots on the spectrum in different ways, shapes, and shades.

Keep being you, and don’t let people gatekeep your experiences.