#like no….i can’t. don’t make me. it’s too painful it’s too much.

[lizardho]

Being at BYU after my mission was weird. Like. Bad weird. Everybody was still acting like missionaries but they had nobody to teach so it all turned into the holier-than-thou bs that missions always degenerate into over time. Just the forced establishment of some weird social hierarchy where value is based on how devout you are, with people digging and scratching and clawing their way around humanity in order to become even more devout.

And this bullshit was actively killing me. The attempts to stay Good Enough were scraping the remnants of my humanity out of my husk like a spoon scraping the last bits of watermelon from a rind - I was doing what I had always done, be Mormon, do what Mormons do, be as good a Mormon as I could be, only it was breaking me. Instead of healing me, making me whole, taking away my burdens, it was pulling the life out of me in exchange for nothing. I was just being squeezed dry of everything I had to offer and being given back shame and isolation and rejection because I didn’t do it first, or fast enough, or with a willing enough heart, or whatever the hell they could come up with.

But despite myself, because most people smarter than me AND dumber than me would have left already, I found myself trying over and over and over again to make it work with no success.

One day, I snap. I’ve had enough. I need answers. I’ve looked everywhere and done everything I could by myself, and nothing had come of it, so I went to talk to a faculty member. A teacher at the school. He taught religion classes and his lessons were powerfully and inspiringly honest, earnest, and filled with raw humanity. I figured if I could get a straight (ha) answer from anyone, it would be that guy. He wasn’t involved in the Mormon rat race. He wasn’t playing the stupid “I’m Worthier Than You” games that were so pernicious on campus. He was being real and open and vulnerable and I needed that from someone.

So I go into his office and I lay my cards on the table. I figure if I’m gonna get helped, I need to be honest. I share with him my weird feelings about dad leaving the church on my mission. About my siblings leaving the church. About my own doubts and hurts. I tell him about how hard it is to be in limbo like this without knowing what to do or where to turn. I tell him I need answers.

And he listens. And then he starts with the usual Mormon apologetics bullshit. And I say “no” because I’m done with that. That doesn’t fly with me anymore. And he sees and hears me say no and he puts a hand on mine, makes direct eye contact, and says,

“You know, you don’t have to go to church, right?”

I, being a person who was hurting, interpreted that as “if you have questions that I can’t answer you should fuck off.” I got defensive immediately and he again listened, put his hand on mine, and said,

“Not what I meant. You can stay if you want, but I want you to know you can leave too. Take a break. Give yourself time to heal. This isn’t supposed to hurt this much, and if it hurts you can take a break and come back when it feels good.”

I’m actually getting choked up just writing that out. Nobody had ever said that to me before. When I talked about my dysphoria to my parents, they said teenagers are supposed to feel like that a little bit. When I talked to people about my difficulties at church they had always told me that it was a sign that church was working. That I was doing it right. That growth was supposed to hurt, that excising the Natural Man from me was supposed to be difficult, that I was supposed to be feeling this anxious and sad and scared. I had never ever ever been told that pain and suffering were signs things were going wrong. I had actually explicitly been told by many many many many many many many many people that it was good, that the hurt and the heartache and the constant feeling of never being good enough and never being able to fit into my own skin or love myself in any meaningful way was desirable. That it was something they envied.

It’s not supposed to hurt. Some things can, and should. My parents were right that some body concerns were normal (although we later found out my specific concerns were more abnormal lmao, I got that tgirl swag). My family and friends were right that challenging myself with difficult assignments and ambitious goals was supposed to feel uncomfortable.

And at the same time, THIS was not supposed to hurt. I was not meant to have this gaping throbbing aching hole in my Me that never let up. It wasn’t supposed to hurt. IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HURT.

I don’t know when exactly I started crying, but I was crying the whole rest of the day. It was the first time in a while I had to actually take a Valium to clam down. It wasn’t supposed to hurt.

He also told me that if it ever stopped hurting I could always come back.

I think that was the day I really left. Others might say otherwise, I still tried to make it work for a few more months after that, but the idea that it wasn’t supposed to hurt really changed me.

If any of you are reading this - there are things that are supposed to be difficult. Things that are supposed to hurt. But if your faith or your beliefs about the world or yourself leave you feeling like you’ve been hollowed out at a minor mistake or setback, if your failures and setbacks leave you feeling raw and numb frequently, if the company you keep or the places you stay leave you feeling constantly inadequate with out hope or help, then I’ll tell you the same thing that professor told me:

You can go somewhere else. You can do something else. And you can always come back when you want.

But it’s not supposed to hurt.

[girl4music]

FUCK YES!

Same. Absolutely the same.

Because that is what makes it MORE romantic. I mean you have a real relationship this way. You see what it takes for them to love. To build on so much that that love makes sense: you can’t just throw 2 characters together and show them being romantic/sexual and not involve all the aspects to the relationship that makes them feel that way with each other. It’s just not realistic.

And you’re absolutely right. It is boring because there’s nothing to it that informs why it should be that way. No foundation and no structure. That’s why the ships I ship are pretty much all queer ships. There’s more to it for me. I like a couple of het ships too but they’re so far removed from “gender norms” or “gender stereotypes” that they can be considered queer too metaphorically.

Because being ��queer” is about more than just sexuality or gender. It’s about the strangeness. It’s about the unconventional. It’s about the abnormality.

And I love seeing that when it comes to romantic love.

I mean Xena and Gabrielle. It’s not just the fact they’re WLW. I mean that matters to me, don’t get me wrong.

But their relationship is so multi-faceted and layered.

I mean they’re a battle couple so they have to navigate themselves in their lifestyles and their love around the themes of war, violence, vengeance, death, loss, grief, bloodlust, sacrifice, pain, tragedy, destiny, heroism…

The list goes on…

There’s so much there to observe and analyze about them and their relationship besides love and romance.

But because there is,.. that latter matters so much more and just keeps growing and evolving. It’s compelling and captivating and just a really profound relationship.

They’re incredibly groundbreaking representation in who they are as individual lead characters and a lead character dynamic - which is romantic/sexual - but that doesn’t need to be what you need to see to enjoy it and to understand that it is a romance/love story. It just is.

They’re a quintessential example of an epic love story because epic love stories aren’t just about the romance.

It’s about how the 2 people who are in love relate to each other and evolve within and without each other.

That’s what’s very romantic to me. It always will be.

My taste in romance has less to do with how romantic the relationship actually is (though that is a bonus) and more to do with how interesting I find the dynamic between the couple. Which is why fluffy vanilla romance usually bores the hell out of me. I want to see how these characters dramatically affect each other and fundamentally change each other and their individual understandings of the world!!! I want to see a beautiful tie-in between the romance and the themes + messages of the story and how it all builds to a climax!!!

[andivmg]

is it bad i wish people would give examples of how dream is “manipulative”?? because the examples I am seeing right now are just him over explaining himself

tw/ drama, sa mention

i can give you one example but you have to bear with me here, it’s kind of hard to explain through text and i can’t give full context because it would drag other people into it and i don’t want to be messy.

edit: i added a division here bc i don’t want to see all that when scrolling through my blog lol

the following screenshots are taken from a conversation we had in july 2023, where he messaged me after 7 months of no contact and basically tried to make me apologize to him after he ghosted me. i have since blocked him and deleted his number (i had to dig through my friends’ group chat to find these screenshots). the conversation was extremely long and if i wanted to dissect it fully i’d have to make an hour long video on it and and tbh, i don’t care that much so this is what we’re working with.

for at least some context: the “she” being referenced is a former mutual friend who informed me that he had a gf the whole time we were talking (i have since learned that might not have been true but with him who tf knows). The name blocked out is her boyfriend, who is his friend. and the block of text covered is just him yapping and name dropping too many people. also i guess to give him some grace, he had just gotten surgery and told me he was high off pain meds, which is why he was messaging me.

here we go

“your memory is wrong”

this is referencing the day i was told he had a girlfriend. that day, the girl and i went to get our nails done and during that time, she informed me of the situation. as you can see in the message, i had texted him saying that we had those plans that day. he never replied to it. like seriously, that was the last message i ever sent him before blocking him a few weeks later. so, in this context, him saying my “memory is wrong” is textbook gaslighting.

“i swiped to look at to give you the chance to bump it, which you never did.”

now… huh?????? tbh i’m still confused about this bc he’s basically admitting that he didn’t reply to my message after saying that he didn’t ignore me. so, contradicting himself there and making it seem like it was my fault that he didn’t respond.

“you can unblock me on snap”

as we know, he has a history of having conversations with girls and other people exclusively through snapchat in order for him to say whatever he wants because the messages disappear. i guess he had a point there bc here we are. you could see this in his favor, but i see it as a way for him to avoid any accountability whatsoever for the shit he says. he was trying to move the conversation over to snapchat, i guess to avoid exactly what is happening now: evidence of him being a slimy little shit.

“I was the only one actively trying to keep you in the friend group despite even backlash from others for it”

now this one just pissed me off at the time. after getting out of an abusive relationship (which all of our friends knew about btw) everyone continued to hang out with my ex instead of me because: a) clout and b) they had been friends with him longer. here, he tried to make it seem like he was doing me this huge favor by still talking to me and “keeping me in the group” (which he didn’t btw). now, at this point he already knew about my sa, he knew about all the shit that happened in the relationship, and he still wanted me to be in a friend group with the man who put me through all of that, his other friends, who made super weird sexual comments about me on multiple occasions, and other people who enabled all that shit. then, he tried to make it seem like he was doing me a favor. insane and manipulative.

i hope this helped, anon. i kinda had to relive some shit in order to provide this for you but i think it’s the only example i could give from my situation in which he was being manipulative. i think these are pretty good examples and i hope it wasn’t too confusing without all the context.

[0cta9on]

Moon Rabbit

Length: +12k words

Genre: Smut

Gfriend/Viviz Eunha x Male Reader

(Author's Note: This is like 90% story and 10% smut, but I hope y'all enjoy anyways :> Thank you to @msafterhours for beta, this story wouldn't be alive without you <3 Enjoy!)

【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★【☆】★

Amongst the monotonous drone of the harsh fluorescent lights and the mysterious smell emanating from the bathrooms, it’s hard not to feel a little pessimistic about life. It would be so easy to air out your long list of grievances to anyone that’ll listen, but complaining to the kind of people this place attracts—late night travelers who’d struggle putting two and two together— is always more trouble than it’s worth.

“Welcome to 7/11!” 

The ring of the entrance chime followed by the soft yet enthusiastic voice of your coworker is a constant that you have yet to get used to, even after a whole three weeks of hearing it nonstop. You told Eunha plenty of times before that she doesn’t have to greet the customers, yet she continues to do so anyway, something about “responsibility” and “upholding the company’s image”—as if the company’s image isn’t rotisserie hot dogs and gallon-sized slushies. 

At best, she’ll get a polite nod, at worst, they scoff and act as if a simple gesture is the worst thing that’s ever happened to them. Her greetings might be more suited to the morning crowd, but she insists that she’s not much of a morning person. You don’t exactly care enough to verify her statements, so you’re content with her keeping you company during the night shift.

“Let me know if you need help with anything!” Eunha calls out to the customer as he aimlessly wanders through the aisles. You’ve grown accustomed to the late night visits from these kinds of people, guys in their early 20’s who seem either too drunk and/or faded to respond properly; hopefully, he’ll just quietly pay for his things and leave without any trouble.

“Yo,” he utters, carelessly dropping a single beer can and a box of large condoms onto the counter. You give him a curt nod, trying not to make a face as the violent stench of weed attacks your nostrils. Figures.

“$7.50.”

“Hey bro, do you know if that chick over there has a boyfriend?” He looks over at Eunha as she stocks the shelves, baggy eyes tracing her body through a half-lidded gaze. You simply shrug. Whatever she does outside of work is none of your business.

The man chuckles to himself, grabbing his things off the counter. “Watch this.” He saunters over to her and engages in a conversation that you can’t quite make out. Even as you try to distract yourself with other work, you can’t help but tense up slightly, stealing glances towards your coworker. 

Eunha puts on her signature smile, nodding her head to everything he’s saying. Occasionally she’ll laugh, more so out of politeness than anything. If you would have to describe her with one word, “polite” would probably be enough. Maybe overly so, but hey, who’re you to judge her of all people about small talk?

Then, you notice a small crack in her expression. The corners of her lips drop ever so slightly. Her eyes widen just a smidge. Now he’s walking towards her, backing her up into a corner, like a predator stalking its prey. 

You’ve learned not to stick your nose into other people’s business; even the simple act of lending an ear has cost you time and energy that ultimately led you to getting kicked to the curb the second you’re no longer of use. It’s exhausting. You’d do anything to forget that kind of pain, even if it means your existence is a bit lonelier. And yet, despite your better judgment, you grab a spare broom and begin sweeping towards the problem, stepping in between them right as Eunha’s back hits one of the fridges.

“Excuse me,” you mutter, your eyes never leaving the ground.

“Bro, what the fuck are you—”

“I’m trying to do my job,” you state, jerking your neck to glare at him. The man scoffs in annoyance before stomping towards the exit, grumbling incoherently while he knocks a couple chip bags off the shelves.

“Thanks,” Eunha says, breathing a sigh of relief. “He kept asking for my number and wouldn’t stop after I said ‘no’. I don’t know what would’ve happened if you weren’t here.”

You shrug, continuing to sweep the rest of the store. In hindsight, there might not have been a need for you to intervene in the first place; Eunha is a grown woman that can probably take care of herself, and what kind of damage could a guy like that do anyways? Yet, despite everything, you still chose to play the hero. What’s done is done.

As you go back to your place by the register, you notice Eunha beaming brighter than ever before despite no one else being around.

______________________________________________________________

Eunha groans, face planting into the counter. “I’m bored.”

“You could deep clean the coffee machine,” you suggest, eliciting an even louder groan from her.

You think about telling her to switch to the afternoon shift, but refrain from it in the end, figuring she probably has her own reasons for wanting to work this late. You chose the night shift out of necessity more than anything. Countless sleepless nights led you to the conclusion that you might as well get some compensation for your suffering.

Eunha’s face suddenly lights up as she goes over to the fridges and grabs two beer cans. “We should drink!” she says.

“Those are for the customers,” you state.

“I’ll pay for them, dummy. Besides, there’s literally nothing else to do. No one has stopped by for hours.”

You stare at her pleading face, slightly impressed by how well she manages to pull off “puppy-dog eyes”. You don’t consider yourself much of a drinker—going down that road only left you with an unbearable sickness that made “taking the edge off” not even worth it—but a hunch in the back of your mind tells you to go for it anyways. Maybe “puppy-dog eyes” actually do work; maybe the boredom’s gotten to you too.

“Woohoo!” she cheers. “Let’s go sit out front! I wanna look at the stars.” Eunha grabs the cans and a large bag of chips from the shelf before running out of the store with the excitement of a kid in a candy store. With a sigh, you follow behind her.

Your breath catches in your throat as the outside chill hits you like a speeding train, sending an unpleasant shiver through your spine that makes you regret even considering this stupid idea. You turn to retreat back to the warmth of the store, but a brief glimpse of Eunha waving you down with such genuine enthusiasm pulls you in, and before you can even think to stop yourself, you’re already grabbing the beer can from her outstretched hand. 

“Isn’t it beautiful tonight?” she comments, gazing up at the stars above. It’s… nice. Better than the harsh fluorescent lights of the store, for sure.

“Yeah,” you utter, taking a swig from your can. You grimace at the bitterness, a reminder of why you stopped in the first place.

“Woah pal, I don’t need to hear your life story,” she quips, chuckling at her own joke. “Isn’t this better than being stuck in that smelly old store all night?”

You shrug. “It’s… alright, I guess.”

She stares at you for a while, studying your expression with a focused squint.

“...What?” you mutter, suddenly feeling self-conscious under her gaze.

“Nothing, sorry.” She shakes her head, her gaze falling to the unopened beer in her hands. A tense moment passes before she finally clicks it open and takes a small sip, wincing as she swallows the bitter liquid. “Um, do you… hate me or something?”

You turn to her in confusion. “Hate” isn’t a word you associate with Eunha. Truly, you don’t think anyone could hate someone like her. Maybe you get a little irked by her inability to set up the shelves properly, but nobody’s perfect, least of all you. In fact, you don’t have any strong feelings about her one way or another. She’s just your coworker. 

Just that. 

Nothing else.

“No, not at all,” you reply.

A small grin forms on Eunha’s lips. “That’s good. I was worried that maybe I did something and that’s why you never talk to me.”

Huh? “I talk to you.”

“Yeah, no, I mean, like, really talking. Not just about work and stuff,” she explains. “We’ve been working together for, like, months and I barely know anything about you!”

“It’s barely been three weeks,” you correct her, earning a dramatic eye roll. “Do you really need to know anything about me to work here?”

Eunha grimaces at your answer. “I guess not, but it would be nice to know if I’m working with a serial killer or not.” She takes another small sip from her can, tension seeping into the frigid air between you two.

“I’m not a serial killer,” you state.

“Well, I wouldn’t know that if you didn’t tell me.”

“I could be lying.”

She turns to you, studying your expression with an intense focus. “Hmm… I don’t think you’re lying.”

“You think?” You raise an eyebrow at her.

She shrugs. “For starters, aren’t most serial killers supposed to be charming to lure in their victims and stuff? No offense, but you’re the least charming person I’ve ever met.”

“Better than being a serial killer I guess.”

She chuckles to herself, dissolving any lingering tension in the air. “So you have a sense of humor. That’s good to know.”

“I guess I do.”

Eunha lifts her can towards you, flashing you a warm smile that wards away the bitter winds. You watch as the corners of her lips curl at a certain angle, her eyes squinting ever so slightly to make room to smile even wider. How impossibly white and symmetrical her teeth are, as if god or whoever is up there took their time creating her. In hindsight, she’s probably perfect for this job - kind, inviting, instantly putting you at ease with a single glance. A smile seems so natural on her, it feels like the sky would fall if it disappeared from her face for even a moment.

“Hello?” She waves her hand in front of your face. “My arm is getting tired here, are you gonna cheers me or not?”

You shake your head. “Right. Sorry.” You clink your can against hers before bringing it to your lips. The bitter taste of alcohol is nonexistent at this point, replaced by subtle yet present undertones of sweetness. You peek through the top of the can, confirming that it’s still the same old cheap beer it was mere seconds ago. Yet, for now, it’s just a little more bearable.

______________________________________________________________

To put it lightly, this fucking sucks.

The shadows dance and jeer at you from your ceiling as if to celebrate your misfortune. All you can do is watch the show play out as you barely cling to life. An earlier Google search of your symptoms tells you that it’s just “a common cold”, but you’d swear Death itself has a personal vendetta with you, cursing you with rusty lungs and cinder blocks for limbs. Regretfully, you retrieve your phone from your nightstand, sending Eunha a text that you aren’t able to make it to work tonight.

A sudden weight jumping onto your chest causes you to drop your phone onto the floor. Two yellow marbles coldly stare at you through the darkness, silently judging your poor condition.

“Y-Yokai, please… I can’t b-breathe…” With weak hands, you try to gently push your cat off of your chest, but it’s no use. Every time you try to get close, the little beast nips at your fingers. 

This is it. This is how you die. You never believed in the superstition about black cats, but perhaps you should’ve heeded its warning. Maybe this is his way of telling you that he never liked you in the first place, in spite of all you’ve done for him as his caretaker. Years from now, when someone finally notices that you’re missing, they’ll find your corpse with Yokai resting right on top, like he’s gloating about outliving you. You shut your eyes, quickly accepting your fate. On the brightside, maybe you’ll finally get some sleep for once.

A knock on your front door causes him to jump off your chest to inspect the noise. You silently thank the stranger at your front door as your lungs finally fill with air. As far as you’re concerned, they just saved your life.

WIth a blanket wrapped around you, you struggle against your headache and stumble towards the door. The person on the other side makes you wonder if you should add hallucinations to your list of symptoms.

“Hi!” Eunha beams at you, a plastic bag in her hands. “I brought you some stuff to help with your cold!”

“H-huh?” You stand there in shock, a million questions floating through your head. “What about the store?”

She shrugs. “I closed it for a bit. I’m sure the two customers that would’ve shown up tonight will live.”

Never in a million years did you expect anyone, aside from the occasional delivery man, to show up to your doorstep, let alone with the purpose of providing you aid. It’s… nice. You’re probably better off with a good night’s rest, but god knows you’ll never get one.

“Are you gonna invite me in? It’s rude to keep a woman waiting, y’know,” she teases.

“R-right.” You step aside, allowing her into your apartment that hasn’t seen another human soul the entire time you’ve lived in it. As luck would have it, another person arrives on the one day that you’re unable to clean anything. “Sorry about the mess.”

“It’s alright—Oh!” Yokai leaps from the shadows, stopping just a few feet in front of her to inspect the stranger entering his home. “Hi there! Oh my gosh, you’re so cute!”

Eunha kneels down to his level and offers her hand towards him. Taking the invitation, Yokai approaches her with cautious yet curious steps, his eyes dilated and ready. After a seemingly tense moment, his pupils soften as he presses his small face into her palms, accepting her enthusiastic pets.

“I can’t believe you never told me about your cat!” she playfully berates you. “What’s its name?”

“His name is Yokai,” you answer, collapsing haphazardly onto the couch. “Found him on the street when I first moved here.”

She raises an eyebrow at you. “You named your cat after Japanese demons?”

You shrug. “It seemed fitting at the time.”

Eunha chuckles, giving him one last pet before placing the bag on the table. “I brought you some cold meds, green tea, and a can of chicken soup. Is it alright if I use your kitchen to heat up the soup?”

You wave her off. “Thanks, but you don’t have to do that.”

She rolls her eyes at you, grabbing the can and walking over to the kitchen in defiance. “If I didn’t want to do this, I would’ve just dropped it off and left.”

With barely any energy left to argue, you resign yourself to resting your head against the armrest, listening to the clanging of metal and the creaking of wood as Eunha searches your cabinets for a pot. Three flickers followed by the gentle poof of the stovetop bring you back to simpler times when your mother would cook meals for you as a kid. That comforting feeling of knowing that everything would end up okay even if the current times are tough. 

A feeling you haven’t felt in a long time.

Hope isn’t something you like to cling onto; you know at this point that hoping for something as supposedly inevitable as sleep is a waste of time. Some nights you’ll get lucky, the stars will align and you’ll fade into bliss as soon as your head hits the pillow, but those nights are so few and far between that they might as well be nothing but coincidences. It was much harder during the earlier days. Countless checkups, thousands of desperate Google searches and Reddit posts, downing melatonin like the next gummy could solve all your problems.

And yet, as the savory scent of chicken soup lingers closer, you can feel your eyelids grow heavier and heavier.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” Eunha says, nudging you gently. “The soup is gonna get cold if you don’t eat it now.”

“Right.” You sit up, finding yourself mere inches from her bright smile, the steam from the soup wafting in between you two. She brings a spoonful of the warming liquid to your lips, blowing on it first to cool it down.

“Open wide,” she says.

“I can feed myself.”

She rolls her eyes dramatically. “Humor me for a sec. Besides, when’s the next time a pretty girl like me is gonna spoon feed you soup?”

You stifle a chuckle at her shamelessness, reluctantly parting your lips. The saltiness washes over your tastebuds, warming your entire body as the liquid slides down your throat. It’s the same cheap chicken soup you’ve eaten before when money was scarce, yet something about it feels different; like it’s healing your heart, not your stomach. Perhaps your illness is messing with your tastebuds, but whatever the reason, it tastes way better than it normally would.

“See, was that so hard?” Eunha teases. A buzz from her pocket interrupts her from giving you a second spoonful. “Sorry, I need to take this real quick, it’s my boyfriend.”

So she does have a boyfriend. 

“Yeah, go ahead,” you say, retrieving the bowl from her. She gives you an appreciative grin before walking over to the kitchen and answering the call.

Whatever goes on in Eunha’s personal life is her business, not yours. Yet, you can’t exactly stop your ears from catching onto glimpses of words, attempting to decipher some kind of meaning through the fog. None of it is coherent, but her disappointed sighs and harsh whispers don’t exactly paint a pretty picture—certainly not one you expect from a loving couple.

After a brief moment, Eunha walks back into the living room, her expression noticeably darker than before. The smile that she usually dons is jarringly absent and her eyes are glossy, as if she’s on the brink of tears.

“Sorry, um… I have to go,” she mutters, unable to meet your eyes. “I have to pick up my boyfriend, he’s, uh… been drinking again.”

You can’t help but feel worried at her sudden downtrodden look, unfamiliar on her face. “That’s alright. Will you be okay?”

“Uh, yeah, I’ll be fine.” She tries to put on a reassuring smile, but the look of dread dripping from her eyes and the lack of soul in her expression only leaves you more anxious than before. “He gets like this sometimes. It’s… nothing, really.”

An unfamiliar feeling grows in the pit of your stomach, an urge to provide some ounce of comfort. But this isn’t your place to intervene; that’s what you keep telling yourself, at least.

“I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow then? Or whenever you feel better.” Eunha quickly gathers her things and heads towards the door, but Yokai jumps in front of her.

“Bye, Yokai. I hope this isn’t the only time I see you,” she says, offering him a few gentle pets. Right before she disappears behind the door, Eunha looks back at you, holding an expression you can’t quite read. The door shuts with an audible click, and the vast emptiness of your apartment envelopes you once again.

Suffice to say, you don’t get much sleep that night.

______________________________________________________________

“So…” Eunha tilts her head to give you a better look. “What do you think?”

You shrug. “It’s… pink.”

Her lips curl into a pout, unsatisfied with your answer. “This is the first time you’ve seen me dye my hair and that’s all you can say?”

It’s another quiet night at the store, somehow quieter than usual. These late night chats with Eunha have become a sort of tradition between you two, a tradition you’ve grown decently fond of these past few weeks. Nowadays, she doesn’t even bother with the alcohol, instead simply asking you if you want to watch the stars with her. The chilly nights are still a bit bothersome, but the company more than makes up for it at this point. 

Conversations mostly consist of listening to her talk about things in her personal life, her school, her friends, and occasionally, her boyfriend. Sometimes she’ll ask questions about your own life. You try your best to answer, but frankly, you don’t consider there to be anything worth noting. She’ll pry a bit, but respects your choice to be quiet about these things. A gesture that you’ve come to appreciate.

“What am I supposed to say?” you ask her.

“Anything,” she says. “Whatever’s on your mind. I just wanna know what your opinion is.”

“But it’s your hair, why should my opinion matter?”

“Maybe it doesn’t, but that doesn’t make me any less curious.” She shifts herself towards you, giving you a good view of her new look. “So, tell me. What do you think?”

A loaded question for sure. You know better than to be too honest about these kinds of things, but you also know that she won’t be satisfied unless you put effort towards a real, honest answer. You lean in to better analyze her features, tracing every single detail of not just her hair but the visage that it crowns.

She’s cute, you think. You know. The bright pink of her hair brings out the porcelain of her skin, giving her the appearance of a doll, well crafted and loved by its creator. Every single feature is perfectly and meticulously placed, down to the spacing of her eyelashes and the angle of her nose. It’s no surprise the amount of stories she has about getting hit on in random places. Maybe if you had a bit more confidence and a bit less sense, you would’ve ended up like one of those stories. But you know better than to indulge those kinds of thoughts, especially one about a coworker.

“It looks… nice,” you utter after a moment of thinking.

Eunha softly chuckles to herself. “I guess that’s about as good of an answer I’m gonna get from you.” She leans back against her palms, releasing a deep breath into the night. “You’re pretty fun to talk to.”

You raise an eyebrow at her. 99% of your conversations consist of her talking while you listen and offer the occasional nod. She might as well be speaking to a brick wall with a conscience.

“I’m serious,” she says, laughing at your expression. “Y’know, a lot of girls like a guy that can listen as well as you do.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

Her lips quiver in hesitation before speaking again. “Do you… have a girlfriend?”

You shake your head no.

“Boyfriend? Partner? I don’t judge.”

No again.

“Hmm…” She nods, her mind falling into deep thought. “That’s surprising.”

“Is it?” you argue. “If I remember correctly, you said I was ‘the least charming person you’ve ever met’.”

“That was a joke!” she exclaims. “I’m sure there’s someone out there that thinks you’re charming.”

You shrug, letting your gaze float to the stars in contemplation. You’ve had your fair share of relationships in the past, good and bad. You thought you would spend the rest of your life with the last girl, but as fate would have it, that just wasn’t in the cards for either of you. The days spent lazing in each other’s arms suddenly turned into nights where being in the same room was unbearable, and the minor quirks you once adored became the topic of all your shouting matches that punctuated the end of your relationship.

So now you’re here, working at a convenience store during the ungodly hours of the night and going home to a cat that likely wants you dead.

“That’s a possibility,” you say, not wanting to sound too nihilistic.

“Come on, give yourself some credit.” Eunha pats your shoulder supportively. “I’ve seen how some of the female customers look at you.”

You can’t help but grimace at her words. “They’re not really… my type.”

“Then what is your type?” she asks, eyes wide with intrigue.

Another loaded question, one that you honestly don’t know the answer to. Or perhaps, an answer that you don’t want to materialize, for fear of the can of worms it would open, so you take the easy way out.

“I don’t know. I’m not really interested in dating right now.”

“That’s lame, dating is… Well, it should be fun,” she says. A glimpse of something hides beneath her expression, nigh imperceptible if it wasn’t for that brief glint in her eyes. “I’m going to a club with my friends this weekend for my birthday, you should come! Maybe I can set you up with one of them.”

“No, absolutely not,” you adamantly refuse. A club is the last place you would ever want to go to on a weekend. Bumping against sweaty strangers in a cramped space while bass boosted garbage spews from the speakers isn’t your idea of fun.

“Please, it’s for my birthday!” she begs. “It’ll be fun, I swear!”

“Eunha.”

She clasps her hands together, pouting her lip and flashing you those large puppy eyes. “Please~”

You don’t consider yourself to be spineless or a pushover; the exact opposite, in fact. The less you do for others, the less issues you’ll have going forward.

But it is really, really difficult to say no whenever she gives you that face.

You sigh, averting your gaze to hide the blush creeping against your cheeks. “...What does your friend look like?”

Eunha squeals in delight, fishing her phone from her pocket. “Here.”

She hands you her phone, displaying a photo of a woman around your age. Long, wavy hair cascades perfectly down her shoulders, framing her delicate features, while a dress made of fiery purples and reds clings to her slim frame, giving her an air of class and maturity. A woman that’s, to put it bluntly, way out of your league.

“Her name is Yuju,” Eunha explains. “She’s really into music, and she takes pole dancing classes on the weekends. Pretty hot, eh?” 

“I suppose,” you say. “You think she’ll find me ‘charming’?”

“Ye—Hmm… I guess we’ll find out.”

Not reassuring in the slightest. You’ve gone and doomed yourself to a weekend of brushing backsides with the worst people you can imagine, people who have no regard for personal space or public perception, all for a woman you don’t know.

Well, not a woman you don’t know. It’s for Eunha’s birthday, after all. Her and those damn eyes.

______________________________________________________________

Eunha is good company. You like having her around, even if you’ll never admit that to her. She’s good—decent at her job, and in between the stench of hot dogs and the occasional rude customer, there’s comfort in knowing that there’s someone like her on this godforsaken planet.

You can’t say the same about her friends.

“Hey~!”

“OMG, you’re so tall!”

“Eunha, your friend is so handsome!”

Skip the pleasantries entirely, you’d rather be anywhere but here right now. They don’t even try to hide their early signs of intoxication as they sway to the muffled beats leaking through the walls of the club and onto the streets outside. Eunha, seemingly sensing your discomfort, stays by your side.

“They can be a handful at times, but they’re nice,” Eunha says.

“Eh… What about her?” You discreetly gesture towards one of her friends that’s been sending you death threats through a not-so-subtle glare the second you arrived.

“Oh, that’s SinB. She’s, uh… She’s friendly once you get to know her.” Eunha gives you a small yet reassuring grin, which honestly does little to comfort you. You appreciate the gesture nonetheless.

The line creeps ever closer towards the entrance of the club, signified by the trashy music growing louder with each step. Just a peek through the door and you’re already grimacing at the thought of having to spend a single second in this wretched haven of hedonism.

“Which one is Yuju?” you ask, trying to get your mind off of the impending dread building in your stomach.

“She’s running a little late, stuck in traffic.” Eunha smirks at you, waggling her eyebrows. “You excited to meet her in person?”

You shrug. “I don’t know. I guess?”

She rolls her eyes at you. “Word of advice, try not to be too much of an emotionless robot in front of her.”

You open your mouth to argue, but the bass blasting from the speakers drowns out anything you try to say. Not like you can even think of a proper argument with how overwhelming everything is. 

As you follow Eunha deeper into the club, you instantly regret not making up some lame excuse at the last minute and bolting. You can barely take two steps without bumping into anyone, a task made more difficult with the lack of proper lighting and the disorienting stench of some unknown substance floating around. The smell emanating from the hot dog machine at work is more favorable to this.

“Here you go, girl!” one of Eunha’s friends exclaims, gesturing towards a seating area sectioned off with velvet rope. On the table sits a light up centerpiece reading “Happy Birthday, Eunha!” surrounded by an abundance of expensive-looking alcohol. Her friend must be loaded because there’s no way Eunha could afford any of this with a convenience store salary. Consequently, your present for her pales in comparison to this kind of extravagance.

“Oh my god!” Eunha squeals, hopping with excitement, “Thank you so much, this is insane!”

The way her face lights up with happiness almost makes coming here worth it. So, you do your best to endure, downing shot after shot with everyone else while trashy music bleeds into your brain. Eunha steals glances at you from the far end of the booth, offering an apologetic look as her rowdier friends bombard you with incoherent words and shot glasses overflowing with poison. You meet each look with a smile and a simple wave, yet it’s becoming an increasingly herculean task to not let the lingering burn of alcohol in your throat manifest itself onto your visage.

A woman with long wavy hair approaches Eunha, and the two pull each other into a giddy embrace, exchanging words and excited giggles. You can’t quite make out their conversation—not like you’re trying to eavesdrop—but with the way Eunha is pointing at you and the vaguely familiar silhouette of the other woman, you’d have to guess that she’s probably Yuju.

“Hello!” she hollers, her voice straining against the distorted thump of the speakers. “Are you Eunha’s friend?”

“Yeah.”

Yuju extends her hand towards you, sporting a polite grin. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.”

In any other scenario, maybe you could’ve had a decent conversation with her. Hell, maybe you could’ve even fallen in love with her. You’re not blind; she’s certainly an attractive woman. But in a place like this, where you’re constantly fighting the urge to up and leave, it’s impossible to try and form any kind of connection. And you genuinely try. More for Eunha’s sake than yours, but the attempt is still there.

Halfway through the barely discernible wall of words, you feel a pressure on your thigh. It creeps upwards slowly, inch by inch, stopping just shy of your crotch. Yuju bites her lip at you, her eyes half-lidded and heavy with seduction, leaning in until you can feel the heat from her breath against your ear. Thus far, you’ve been guessing her words and trying to formulate a response based on what you could lip read. But what she whispers into your ear rings true, like the whole world went silent just so you could hear her.

“Let’s cut the bullshit already and get to the fun part. I haven’t had dick in so long, I just need to feel you inside me.”

The rush of adrenaline sparked from her words alone leaves you reeling as you feel yourself being tugged around by this woman you just met, struggling to keep balance in the sea of faceless strangers. The sounds, the sights, the fucking everything about this place melts reality like goo seeping through your fingers, where the only constant is the fire in your windpipe and the sign for the women’s bathroom growing larger with each step.

This kind of spontaneity is probably good for someone like you. These days, you barely make an effort to make friends as it is, the thought of going out and actively trying to date didn’t even cross your mind until recently.  It’s not like the thought of having sex with Yuju doesn’t excite you a little, you are human after all. With all the bleak memories you have from your last relationship, maybe it’s time that you let it go and let something good happen to you for once.

But is this good? You’re about to have sex with a woman you just met, in the bathroom of a club of all places. Exciting, sure, but good? You don’t even have a condom on your person, and judging by her current state, it doesn’t seem like Yuju has one either. All you have is your wallet and Eunha’s gift.

Eunha.

By some act of divine intervention or your own instincts, your eyes snap to the middle of the dance floor. Through the sea of drunken silhouettes, you see Eunha, frozen against the continuous wave of moving bodies. Her smile is gone. There’s a man there, slowly encroaching on her. Maybe they’re just talking. Her friends are around, surely they can protect her if she’s in any danger.

But they’re not there. Most are still at the booth, inhaling bottle after bottle without a second thought, while one pulls you towards the bathroom, too horny to consider the consequences of her own actions. 

The man touches Eunha’s shoulder. She tries to swat him away, but he’s bigger than her. Much bigger. Like a vicious wolf cornering a poor rabbit.

Without another moment of hesitation, you break free from Yuju’s grasp, shoving your way through the crowd with complete disregard for everyone except Eunha. Most people will think you’re the biggest idiot for throwing away an opportunity with a woman like Yuju, but you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you choose meaningless sex over the safety of your only friend.

You grab the man’s wrist, pulling Eunha behind you. “Get away from her,” you growl.

“Fuck off.” He tries to shove you aside, but you stand firm, refusing to budge in the slightest. You’re probably—no, definitely—a fool for trying to stand up to a guy built like a fridge. The scrawny guy at the store is nothing compared to this giant meathead. But as you feel Eunha cling onto the back of your jacket, her hands trembling in fear, you know that you’ll stand before the wolf time and time again to protect the poor rabbit.

Before things can get even more heated, you grab Eunha and make a dash towards the exit, knocking over a few people in the process. Even so, you don’t stop running until the cool air of the outside bites at your cheeks.

“Shit,” you pant, leaning against the wall of a neighboring building to catch your breath. “Are you ok—”

Eunha wraps her arms around you, pressing her face into your chest. Every breath she takes quivers like the last leaf on a dying tree, desecrated by a furious storm. All you can do is hold her, trying to provide some ounce of comfort as she sobs in your arms.

The world is cruel to you, a fact you came to terms with long ago. It’s stolen many of the things you held dear, leaving you to cling to the pieces left behind and try to rebuild your life out of nothing. You built walls, avoided people entirely, did everything you could do so you never have to feel that kind of pain again. And after all that, you’re left to simply exist. Survive. Not ‘live’ in the way people somehow wake up with the sun and breathe in the dawn of a new day with hope in their hearts. Just be.

And then Eunha came into your life, walking into the doors of the convenience store with her bubbly smile and boundless energy. All the time you’ve worked alongside her, listening to her greet every single customer with such enthusiasm, enduring her brutally honest criticisms of your personality, succumbing to her demands every time she flashes those damn eyes at you, she’s made you look at life differently, whether you liked it or not. She didn’t even have to chip away at your walls at all—you tore them down yourself and built a grand entrance into your soul just for her. Because you wanted to. Because you like the way she smiles like nothing bad could ever happen, you like how she manages to find the good in everything and everyone, and you like that she still wants to talk to you despite your brick wall of a personality.

To see her like this, breaking down in your arms, on her birthday of all days, is nothing short of soul crushing.

“Thank you for that,” Eunha murmurs, her voice tiny and fragile. “Um, can we go?”

“Sure,” you reply in a calming tone. “Where to?”

“Anywhere but here.”

The two of you wander the streets in silence, nothing but the muffled hum of faraway chatter and the occasional car passing by to keep you company. She stays deathly quiet, a state you’ve never seen her in. With everything that just happened, you don’t blame her, but you can’t help but feel chills at her solemn expression. It’s like the sun’s gone dark, leaving the whole world in a forever winter.

You pass by a 7/11, not thinking much of it, but Eunha stops underneath its glowing sign. “...You wanna drink?” she asks, giving you a small yet hopeful smile.

Alcohol is probably the last thing either of you need at the moment, yet you find yourself nodding anyway. It’s hard saying no to that face.

______________________________________________________________

Time ticks by at a pace more glacial than the frigid winds buffeting you as Eunha chugs down her second can of cheap beer, crumpling it in her hands as if to release all her pent up emotions inside. On a normal day, you would’ve found it a little funny, maybe even cute, to think that the living embodiment of a summer day has inner turmoil that she can only externalize through the crushing of an aluminum can. But on tonight of all nights, the shrill crunch becomes a harsh reminder that life’s cruelty shows no mercy.

“Are you okay?” you utter, unable to move your gaze from the ground. Of course it’s a stupid question—who would be okay after almost getting assaulted?—but, it’s a start, if anything.

“Um… I don’t know.” Her despondent voice is punctuated by the metallic crash of aluminum against concrete. “Do you want the short version or the long version?”

“I have time.”

Eunha inhales deeply, letting the chilling winds of the night fill her lungs, before breathing it back out into the elements. “No. I’m not okay, and I haven’t been for a long time. I know, it sounds a bit dramatic, but it’s just…” she sighs, “It’s just how I feel.”

“I don’t think you’re being dramatic at all,” you reassure her, earning an appreciative grin in response.

“Um… God, I really don’t know where to start with this,” she says, her face falling into her hands. “School has been kicking my ass lately, which isn’t that big of an issue in the shitstorm that is my life, but it’s there. Last week, one of my professors chewed me out for accidentally submitting the wrong file for an assignment, so I spent the entire day just crying in bed.” A small laugh leaves her nose at the fact, void of any humor.

“And then my friends. They’re great and I love them with all my heart, but they can be such a handful.” With each word, she sinks deeper and deeper into herself as the burden she’s been silently carrying threatens to end her. “Sowon—the tall one that paid for the table—she has a reputation for sleeping around campus, which is fine, I’m not gonna tell her what she can and can’t do with her own body. But her life is filled with so much drama, and I end up having to play therapist for her, and it just gets so exhausting.”

You nod in understanding, keeping silent as she spills out her grievances. It’s not a pleasant sight, but pain rarely is. This image that she’s built up for herself as this happy-go-lucky fairy of a person, the image that you’ve consumed without question because doing otherwise would be like the sky falling around you, tears itself down to reveal the ugly truth underneath: That she’s human. And all humans suffer, even the ones that you wish didn’t.

“You remember the night I came into work with my hair dyed?” she asks after a long pause, her gaze fixated on the crumpled can below. “I broke up with my boyfriend that morning. I just… couldn’t handle all the hurt and neglect anymore, so I left.”

The revelation comes as a shock to you, even if all the signs were there in hindsight. “I’m sorry to hear that,” you offer, nervously fidgeting with the tiny box in your pocket.

“Y’know, he always hated when I dyed my hair. Said I looked like a slut whenever I did it.” The word sounds so crass against her gentle voice, like a grisly wound on unblemished skin. You feel an unfamiliar anger boiling inside of you at the notion that someone would even think to hurt her.

“And with how things turned out tonight, maybe he was right—”

“Hey,” you lightly interject. “I don’t think you look like… that at all.”

Her dejection cracks a little, giving way to a small smile accompanied by the faint hum of a chuckle. “Thanks. Maybe if that other guy thought the same as you, I wouldn’t feel like this.”

With a deep breath, you retrieve the small box from your pocket and hand it to her. “Here.”

“What’s this?” Eunha takes the box from your hand, her brow raised in curiosity.

“Your birthday present. It’s not much, but… yeah. It’s not much.”

Tentatively, she opens it up, revealing a necklace with a rabbit pendant hanging from it. Her face lights up, and for a moment, you forget that she was ever sad in the first place. A newfound sense of determination wells within you, and something that you’ve kept hidden deep inside finally comes to light: you would do anything to protect that smile.

“This is so cute, I love it!” she remarks, fiddling with the chain as she tries and fails to put it on. “Uh, a little help?”

“Sure.” You take the necklace from her, and as she pulls up her hair to reveal the delicate skin of her neck, your hands begin to tremor nervously, making it nearly impossible to secure the necklace.

“Is everything alright back there?” she teases. “I can feel you shaking.”

“Y-yeah, no, it’s fine.” The stutter in your voice dashes any attempts at trying to sound natural. It’s a simple act, putting a necklace around your friend, but something about it feels so intimate, like the first hint of warmth after a long and arduous storm. Once you finally secure the clasp in place, a breath you didn’t know you were holding empties from your lungs.

“Thanks,” she says, admiring the rabbit pendant. “Thanks for everything, really.”

“I didn’t do much.”

“But you did something,” she reasons, her voice lilting with an air of melancholy, “You did a lot more than anyone else ever did for me.”

Eunha’s eyes wander upwards to the stars, the same ones you’ve spent nearly every night under, listening to her talk about everything and nothing all at once. Tiny blips of light a billion miles away, the only witnesses to your midnight conversations about the mundanities of life. To them, your little exchange of words seems small and meaningless, but to you, these talks with her mean everything.

“I’ll make sure to pay you back one day,” Eunha utters.

There’s no need. Your existence is more than enough.

______________________________________________________________

In a past life, you used to curse how consistently time seems to move without regard for anything else. After one of the worst nights of your life, how dare the sun have the audacity to rise up in the morning like your whole world hasn’t just collapsed? The lights peaking through your blinds felt like a big “fuck you” from the world. Everyone struggles, get over yourself, you lazy prick. Before you realized it, the negativity took up every corner of your mind, constant noise rattling around your head every second of your existence, bleeding into the nights that seemed endless as you could do nothing but stare at the ceiling.

But nowadays, those thoughts seem so long ago, like a vague memory. Maybe it hasn’t gotten easier to sleep, but it’s quieter now. Peaceful, even. It barely even occurred to you how much time has passed since then until a certain coworker of yours decides to remind you.

“Happy birthday!” Eunha pops up from behind the counter, donning a dingy party hat and holding a cupcake with a single lit candle embedded in it.

“H-huh? W-what—”

“Make a wish!” She pushes the cupcake in your face, a potential fire hazard if your hair was just an inch longer. Confused by the sudden onslaught, all you can do is stand there like an idiot, eyes tracing over the silly hat adorning her rosy head. It’s cute though.

“It’s your birthday, right?” Eunha pouts, reading your confused expression. “Or did the calendar lie to me?”

You pause for a moment, running the numbers in your head as you try to remember how much time has passed. “Right,” you utter, not quite meeting her eyes. “Yeah, it’s my birthday.” Without another word, you grab a broom and begin sweeping as a couple approaches the store, hoping their impending presence will get your mind off the topic. With how life has been going these past few years, it’s getting harder and harder to find a reason to celebrate.

Was. 

The gentle chime of the entrance rings throughout the store, yet Eunha’s cheerful greeting that usually follows is hauntingly absent, you nearly greet the customers yourself just to fill the unusual silence. Before you can check to see if she’s alright, you’re interrupted by a male voice.

“Hey, you know where the beers are?” the guy asks. You silently gesture towards the fridges, taking the opportunity to eye the couple. The girl seems generally unremarkable, not unlike the usual customer at this hour, but something about the guy feels oddly familiar, despite his face not matching anyone in your recent memory. Something about the way he drapes his arm carelessly over the girl like she’s an accessory rather than a person, or the way he doesn’t even bother to look through the tiny store for more than two seconds before asking for the answer just pisses you off. 

“Thanks, pal,” he says, clapping your shoulder in a way that feels anything but friendly as he passes by. Out of all the expletives, middle fingers, and death threats that have been thrown your way by people far worse than this guy, none of them have managed to strike such an anger-inducing chord with you as that simple pat on your shoulder. But why?

You look over at the counter to check on Eunha, only to find a lone cupcake and a party hat peeking out from behind it. “Are you alright?” you ask, brows furrowed as you peer over the counter at her. All you receive in response is a panicked look and a harsh “Shhh!”.

“Hey pal, can you ring me— Eunha?” The two of them lock eyes in some weird staring contest, while you and his girlfriend or whoever she is are left completely out of the loop. You glance back and forth between them, trying to gain some semblance of understanding in their eyes for what feels like an eternity, until it finally clicks in your head.

The hint of familiarity despite never meeting him and the abundance of bad vibes he exudes all make sense — he’s Eunha’s ex-boyfriend.

You hastily scan his pack of beers and his box of condoms. “$20.55.”

“Why don’t you go wait outside for me, babe?” you hear him whisper to his new girl, unashamedly staring at her backside as she saunters out of the store. Eunha sighs, standing up from her hiding spot and leaving the party hat to dangle sadly in between her fingertips.

“So,” he continues, not even sparing you a single glance, “You’re still working in this shit hole?”

“Yup,” she replies, gaze glued to the floor. “Gotta pay rent somehow.”

He scoffs. “If you just come back to me—”

“I’m sorry, what the fuck?” You freeze at her sudden outburst, not used to this side of her. “Are you seriously asking me to come crawling back to you after everything you fucking did!?”

“Look, babe—”

“Don’t fucking ‘babe’ me, you asshole!” Her breath starts to get heavier as tears well up in her eyes and her fingers turn white around the dainty string of the party hat. “And don’t you have a new girlfriend anyway!? What the hell is wrong with you!?”

“What, you mean her?” His head flings back in a guttural laugh at the insinuation that he would find himself in a committed relationship with his “new girl”. Hell, if things weren’t so tense, you would be laughing at that idea too. “She’s just who I’m banging for tonight since you fucking left!”

“For fuck’s sake,” she groans, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Just pay for your shit and leave. Please.”

He scoffs. “Quit being a fucking bitch and—”

“If you leave now, I’ll let you have everything for free,” you interject, each breath heavy and quivering with anger. For the first time since this whole altercation, he acknowledges your presence and simply scoffs, eyeing the two of you back and forth. With a smirk, he grabs his things off the counter and backs away, chuckling to himself like there’s some kind of inside joke that neither you nor Eunha are a part of. As the door chime rings to signal his exit, you hear the huff of a harsh syllable underneath his breath that turns the next few moments into a vague blur.

“Slut.”

You’ve never considered yourself to be particularly athletic—average at best, but still decent enough to not be picked last during childhood games. Yet, as you grab the cupcake from the counter and haphazardly chuck it through the air, you swear that Shohei Ohtani himself would’ve been impressed at the accuracy of your pitch as it arcs perfectly and splatters against the back of that asshole’s head. You freeze in disbelief of your own actions, barely registering the pink frosting-covered look of rage stomping towards you.

Eunha pulls you out of the doorway and quickly locks the door before pulling you into the break room, away from the view of the windows. Banging glass and muffled expletives are soon replaced by the monotonous whir of the fluorescents as she shuts the door behind her.

“Oh my god, are you insane?!” Eunha exclaims, trying and failing to suppress a grin.

“I-I, uh… I don’t know. Probably.” A breathy chuckle escapes your lips. And then another one. Soon, you’re keeling over the floor in laughter, replaying the impact of the cupcake over and over in your head.

A second chorus of laughter mixes with yours in a symphony of hysterics as Eunha joins you on the floor. Your head starts to ache and your stomach grows sore, but the first bout of genuine joy you feel after years of nothing but cold isolation overpowers any kind of pain. 

Being here, in this moment with her, is the best birthday gift you’ve ever received.

______________________________________________________________

Even after the clock passes midnight and your birthday officially ends, Eunha still insists on doing something to celebrate. That sweet piece of payback against her ex was more than enough for you, but as always, it’s hard to say no when her eyes light up with so much excitement.

You wait in the solitude of your living room, with nothing but Yokai to pass the time. He purrs contently on your lap, being oddly well-behaved for once. Maybe he knows Eunha is coming and is in a better mood than usual. Are black cats telepathic?

As if on cue, he jumps off your lap and scurries towards the front door, a millisecond before a barrage of knocks and a muffled “Ayo!” sound off from the other side. It doesn’t take a genius to know who the owner of that voice is.

“Surprise!” Eunha exclaims, balancing a store-bought cake and a champagne bottle in her arms. 

“I’m not sure if it counts as a surprise if I know that you’re coming,” you joke, taking the contents from her arms.

“Yeah yeah, whatever you say, birthday boy.” Yokai impatiently nuzzles his head against Eunha’s leg, practically begging for her attention. “Well, hello again, cutie! Did you miss me?”

He purrs in response to getting showered by Eunha’s affection. You place the cake on the dining table and peer curiously at the champagne bottle, only to find the words “Sparkling Apple Cider” written in fancy gold lettering.

“Apple Cider?” you question.

“Yeah,” Eunha responds. “Did you want actual champagne or…?”

“No no, this is great.” You flash her a reassuring grin, which she returns in kind, punctuated by the cute swell of her cheeks.

“Phew, I’m glad. I thought I read you wrong for a second.” She plops comfortably onto your couch like she’s been to your apartment a thousand times before, Yokai swiftly taking his place onto her lap. “So, what do you usually do for your birthday?”

“Nothing, really,” you sheepishly admit. “If it wasn’t for you, I probably wouldn’t have remembered it was today.”

“Whaaat? That’s no fun.”

“Yeah, well…”

You trail off as the ghosts of your past come back to haunt you. Each year, the faces around the table seemed to become fewer and fewer until it was just you and the cat. Eventually, you just stopped bothering with it. It’s just another day, indiscernible from every other one. Sure, you could go on about why no one bothered to contact you, but It’s not like you’re completely blameless—why didn’t you reach out? Every night spent with your eyes forcibly pried open, you basically had all the time in the world to one, single message to anyone. And yet, you didn’t.

It’s your fault alone that things ended up this way.

You feel a soft pair of hands suddenly wrap around yours, forcibly pulling you out of the black hole in your mind that threatened to envelop you.

“Why don’t we make this one extra special then?” Without waiting for you to answer, Eunha pulls you towards the kitchen and pushes you down into a chair.

“What are you doing?” you ask, confused yet charmed by her usual antics.

“Just wait a sec,” she says, rummaging through your cupboards like a mouse looking for cheese. You watch in amused silence as she searches through every nook and cranny for… whatever it is that she needs. You can’t quite wrap your head around why she’s going through all of this effort, in the dead of night, for you of all people. You’re just her coworker in a dingy little convenience store.

Although, it’s hard not to feel insanely lucky when she turns to you with that impossibly bright smile that only you get the luxury of seeing.

“Okay, here we go!” Eunha exclaims, taking the plastic lid off of the cake and fiddling with a single match.

You tilt your head curiously. “Is that a—”

“I forgot to get candles and this is all that you have, alright?” she playfully snaps at you. Finally, once the match is lit, she places it gingerly in the center of the cake. “Make a wish, birthday boy!”

As you gaze into the small, singular flame before you, it dawns on you that you have no idea what to wish for. Money? A bigger house? The ability to have a good night’s sleep? Blowing out a silly little candle isn’t going to magically change your life overnight, no matter what the occasion is.

But as you look past the flame, you see Eunha gleaming back at you, waiting with bated breath for you to make that wish. The passion, the excitement, the hope swirling around in just her eyes alone sends a wave of warmth throughout your body that seeps deep into the fibers of your bones. A wish finally forms inside of your head.

You blow out the match, extinguishing the flame and letting your wish float into the air along with the smoke.

“Woohoo!” Eunha cheers. “What did you wish for?”

Heat rushes to your cheeks as you suddenly feel sheepish under her gaze. “I-I, uh—”

“Wait, don’t tell me!” she frantically interjects. “I forgot, if you say your wish out loud, it won’t come true!”

A chuckle brushes past your lips. If there’s even a tiny chance that what she said is true, then you’ll gladly take a vow of silence just to keep your wish close to your heart.

Eunha cuts two generous slices of cakes for the both of you while you pour the sparkling cider into mismatched mugs - the only drinkware you have that even comes remotely close to fitting the occasion. Your apartment becomes enveloped in a comfortable silence, save for Yokai’s content purring on the couch and an occasional “Mmm” from Eunha in-between mouthfuls.

As you peer to the side, you notice a small glob of frosting on the corner of her lips. “You have a little something here,” you chuckle, gesturing to the area. She tries to wipe it off, but somehow completely misses the mark.

“No, it’s still there,” you say, unable to hold back a smirk at her failed attempt. Without thinking, you reach out and gently wipe the frosting from the corner of her mouth with your thumb. The soft warmth of her cheek sends a jolt through your body, and only then do you realize just how close you are. Her eyes widen slightly in surprise, but she doesn’t pull away. For a moment, time seems to stand still as you gaze into the deep obsidian of her irises, your thumb still lingering on her lips.

Eunha’s cheeks flush a rosy pink that mimics her hair, and you quickly retract your hand, clearing your throat awkwardly. “Um, got it,” you mutter, avoiding her gaze.

“Thanks,” she says softly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

The air between you feels charged, as if closing the distance even a little bit would shock you. You steal a glance at her and find her doing the same, quickly turning away after a mere whisper of eye contact. For that split second, you notice her eyes shimmering with an emotion that you can’t quite place. The silence stretches on, growing heavier with unspoken words.

Eunha breaks the tension first with a soft chuckle. “So, uh, how was your birthday? Sorry I couldn’t do much more than this.”

“N-no, it’s fine. I thought it was great, actually,” you admit, a small grin tugging at your lips.

“Yeah?” she says, beaming at you. “I’m glad.”

“Me too.”

She stands up and begins to gather her things. “I should probably head home now. It’s getting—well, I guess it’s already late.”

A pang of disappointment hits your chest. “Right.”

Each step feels like you’re wearing cinder blocks as you walk her to the front door. Yokai perks up from his spot at the couch, mimicking your own feelings of panic as Eunha nears the exit. Why are you acting like this? You’ll see her at work tomorrow. Despite your attempts at rationalizing, the growing urge to stop her is becoming harder and harder to ignore.

As she takes a step outside of your apartment, she turns to you. For a moment, she simply gazes into your eyes. You can’t quite read them—it’s hard when you’re too distracted by how unbelievably pretty they are—but it feels like she’s waiting. Waiting for you to say something, maybe? With the thumping of your heart growing louder in your ears, the ability to focus suddenly becomes an uphill battle.

“I, uh, I had fun tonight.”

You take a breath. “Y-yeah, me too.”

“I guess I’ll see you at work then?” Her voice lilts up, as if she’s asking a question. A loaded question, even. An answer sits on the tip of your tongue, desperately waiting to be heard by her ears. Just a couple words, and yet it feels like overlooking a cliff with no end in sight. A free fall into new, terrifying territory.

But, as you’ve learned time and time again, it’s hard saying no to that face.

“A-actually,” you begin, your voice almost getting caught in your throat, “it’s late and it might be unsafe tonight, so… I was wondering… do you want to stay the night?”

If you had more than just pure adrenaline pushing you forward, you could’ve probably used a better choice of words. Something smoother and less uncertain. Something more charming, as Eunha would put it. But all of these thoughts sink to the back of your mind when you’re suddenly attacked by the softest lips you’ve ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Like muscle memory, your hands wrap around Eunha’s delicate waist, gently pushing her into the door until it shuts with an audible click. 

All the second guessing, the worrying, the negativity, everything is completely thrown out the window as you sink into her lips. You let yourself get lost in her touch, pulling her close to you like she’s your matching puzzle piece. In the midst of needy touching and sharp breaths, a wave of calmness washes over you. Like all of this is meant to be.

“W-wait…” Eunha gently pushes you off of her, worry filling her expression.

“What’s wrong?” you ask. “Do you not want thi—”

“I do want this. I want you, more than you could ever imagine, but I just…” she sighs, her grip on your shoulders weakening slightly. “I really like working at the store and talking to you every night and feeling like my life isn’t a constant trainwreck. I need that consistency in my life. If we do this, no matter what happens tonight, I need you to promise me that nothing will change between us.”

She looks up at you with desperate, pleading eyes. You know, probably more than anyone, just how much pain she holds inside, invisible to the outside world. The two of you are alike in that way. The only difference is that she kept on trying to live despite her scars, while you stopped trying because of them.

“I’m not a perfect person by any means,” you start softly, gently caressing her cheek. “Before I met you, I felt like I was barely even human. I was just a body without a soul, wandering aimlessly. But then, I met you and everything changed.”

Eunha sinks her face into your hand, peering at you with those damn eyes. You’ve seen them light up like fireworks during her highest highs and pour like a perilous storm during her lowest lows, but you’ve never once seen them completely empty, void of any emotion. For once, you feel hope that things can get better, and she is the living, breathing reason why.

“Whenever I’m with you, nights don’t feel as cold and the stars seem to shine brighter than I thought was possible,” you continue. “Breathing becomes easier and I laugh harder than I ever have before. Life doesn’t just become bearable—it becomes enjoyable. And that’s all because of you.”

As your words linger in the gap between lips, you feel the haze that clouded your mind for so long finally lift, making way for light to shine through. A pure, warming light with pink hair and porcelain skin and cheeks like puffed up marshmallows.

“I take back everything I said before,” Eunha says with a smirk. “That was the most charming thing I’ve ever heard.”

Before you even have time to roll your eyes, she’s kissing you again with a newfound passion. You’re quick to follow her lead, running your hands over the curves she’s been hiding underneath her work uniform and taking mental notes of the spots that produce a cute moan. Each sensation feels like a spark of lightning being shot through your veins, driving your every movement. You want—no, need to please this woman, show her exactly just how much she means to you.

With all the adrenaline in your system, you end up pinning Eunha against the front door with an audible thud. “Someone’s eager to get things going,” she teases, short-breathed and rosy-cheeked.

“How can I not be when you’re so—”

“MRRAAOOOUWWWW!!!” Yokai cries out, his yellow eyes full of judgement as he looks at your crude display of affection from the couch. Attention whore.

Eunha chuckles. “Maybe we should—”

“Abso-fucking-lutely.” 

You take her hand and practically drag her to the privacy of your bedroom, her excited giggles trailing behind you. As soon as the door shuts behind you, Eunha is already laying on your bed, resting comfortably as if it were her own.

“Got room for one more?” you quip.

“If it’s you, definitely.”

With an easy smile, you make your way towards her, fingers grazing up her thighs to her toned stomach and around the sensuous curve of her bosom before resting right next to her head. The moonlight peaking through the window illuminates her eyes, allowing you to see the passion and the neediness aimed directly at you.

“You’re so beautif—mmf!“

Eunha suddenly claps her hand over your mouth. “Listen, you’re very cute, but I desperately need you to take my clothes off. Now please.”

You waste no more time, diving into the crook of her neck and producing a yelp from her throat as you pepper it with kisses. Excitedly, your hands slip under her shirt to massage her full breasts. You’d be lying if you said you never imagined it would be like to cup her breasts, but actually getting to feel them in your hand is a different sensation entirely. So soft yet so firm, and perfectly bouncy. By the noises she’s making, it’s safe to assume that she’s enjoying this just as much as you are.

Eunha reaches down and strokes the outline of your cock through your jeans, her movements fueled by a primal lust. “Oh my god, I can already tell you’re so much bigger than my ex. Please, I need you inside me right fucking now,” she begs, already fidgeting with your belt.

You chuckle, not used to her lovely voice spewing out such heinous demands. Whatever the princess wants, she’ll get.

Loose clothing begins to decorate your room while a symphony of pleasurable cries and wrinkling fabric accompanies the scene. Moonlight casts shadows on your walls, depicting the beautiful act of debauchery taking place. This room, which only harbors memories of dreadfully sleepless nights, becomes a haven for you and Eunha to begin something new and wonderful.

“Can’t believe I almost let Yuju have all of this for herself,” she giggles, eyeing your length as it nears her dripping sweetness. 

You lean down to briefly take her lips in yours, running your hands over her now unclothed body, bare in all its glory. “I don’t wanna think about any woman other than you right now,” you say in a low, growly tone.

“Mmm, good answer.” Eunha abruptly wraps her legs around your waist. “Now fuck me, birthday boy.”

Your cock drags against her folds, lubricating it with her juices. You feel her shiver underneath you as you lightly graze against her clit. She’s so beautiful. Completely exposed and vulnerable, all for you. With a single movement of your hips, you enter her honeypot, the two of you sharing a moan as the tip slides in. 

“Shit,” you groan, drawing in a heavy breath, “We forgot a condom—”

“We work at a convenience store, we can just get a Plan B tomorrow!!” Eunha snaps before donning an apologetic look. “Sorry, I just mean—”

You interrupt her with a peck on the lips, smirking at her. “I know what you meant. I’ll shut up now.”

Pure instinct takes over as you begin to buck your hips into her, years of pent up energy and the desire to make her feel loved fueling each thrust. The crescendo of her voice every time your bodies meet is a tune like no other, and you do everything in your power just to hear that noise again and again and again and again. Sink your fingers into the meaty flesh of her thighs, lap at her perky tits, pin her arms over her head so her only choice is to succumb to the overwhelming sensation of lust.

“Perfect” doesn’t even begin to properly describe Eunha. From her bubblegum optimism that managed to melt your cold heart to the velvety tightness of her pussy as she takes you in so fucking well, there aren’t enough words in existence to explain just how much she means to you. So instead, you do your best to deliver the message through every movement. The fire in your pelvis as you fuck her heat, the soreness of your tongue as you worship every inch of her body, everything you do is testament into making sure she knows just how much you mean to her.

Love her in a way that her ex could never do.

Love her until all the pain and suffering she went through is forgotten.

Love her the way you’ve been unknowingly aching for her since the moment you laid eyes on her. Repay her for all that she’s done just by existing.

“K-keep going! Just like that!” she groans, the grip of her pussy tightening with each second. You do as she says, fucking her at the pace that she likes and hitting every spot that produces that oh-so-pretty noise from her lips. With how amazing she feels, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to ignore the building feeling in the pit of your stomach.

“Eunha…”

She grabs your face, forcing you to look at hers. “Inside me, baby. Please. I need to feel you. I want to feel you.” She peers at you with those eyes, glimmering with the light of a full moon, and pleads for you to stay inside her. How silly. Why would you beg when I would give you the whole world at the drop of a hat?

In one final thrust, you climax in her arms, wave after wave of pleasure rushing through you. Eunha shoves her face into the crook of your neck, a guttural moan escaping her lips as she experiences her own orgasm. Months of working alongside her and getting to know her, culminating into a beautiful moment of release for the both of you—and this is only the beginning.

“H-holy… shit…” Eunha pants, tracing lazy circles on your shoulder. “That was… better than I could have ever imagined.”

“Are you saying you’ve imagined this before?” you tease.

“What, you think I’m gonna work with someone that’s as sweet and as awkwardly-cute as you and not occasionally think about fucking him?” she retorts with a smirk. 

The both of you share a laugh in each other’s arms, bathed in the moonlight and sweat of passion. Before long, the exhaustion of today’s events gets to the both of you, and you feel your eyes grow heavier and heavier—a sensation you haven’t felt in a long time. A final kiss marks the beginning of many more nights to come. Nights where the shadows are still and the morning become a moment to look forward to.

[milkb0nny]

Don't Leave...

... kissing as an act of desperation

Pairing: Dean x fem!reader

Summary: You were unconscious after a demon attack, and the brothers worried terribly about you. Dean, so scared to lose you, confessed his love through a passionate kiss, hoping you'd wake up.

Note: Another kissing prompt, this one being a little darker. But my, I love this so much!

Content: reader not knowing Dean‘s love for her, Dean being anxious, comfort, angst, injuries, first kiss

Word count: ~1,4k

Unconscious and still, as if you were a corpse, you lay in the motel bed. Your limbs were close to your body, your body wrapped in the thick blanket, a heating pad close to your feet.

What had happened? Why were you in this state of emergency? Why weren’t you as lively as you usually were? All those questions remained unanswered to you, as you slept deeply, your breath slow and steady.

You had been traveling with the Winchester brothers for quite some time. Not that you actively participated in the hunts and dangerous activities; you were an excellent person with perfect social skills. You had developed into the person of the group who would speak with others to gather clues. You could read people as if they were an open book, making them spill out whatever their memories had hidden away.

Though, why were you in this state then? As your consciousness recovered, you heard voices in the background. You couldn’t focus on them at first, as your head hurt. A defeating ache circled from your forehead to your neck, making your mere presence terribly painful. You couldn’t open your eyes… everything felt like you were in a fever dream.

But then you were able to piece the mumbles into clear words, and the voices belonged to Sam and Dean. The dim light of the motel room flickered softly as Dean and Sam sat at the small table, the tension heavy in the air. The door to the bathroom was cracked open, and the faint sound of water running could be heard in the background.

Dean's eyes never left you, his hands tightly gripping the edge of the table.

Sam sat across from Dean, his voice calm but concerned, "Dean, we’ve been over this. She’s strong. She’s gonna be fine. You just need to give her time."

"Time? She could’ve died, Sam. You didn’t see the way she looked at me... like she was already slipping away." He paused, running a hand through his hair, his voice dropping lower. "I could’ve lost her. I almost did."

Why was Dean speaking so softly about you? Did he truly care so much about you?

"You’re not gonna lose her, Dean. She’s one of the toughest people I know. Sure, she can’t fight, but her mind is stronger than ours. She’ll make it."

"It’s not about being tough, Sam. She’s… she’s everything. I can’t lose her. I can’t. She means more to me than…" His voice caught, and he paused, trying to keep it together. "I don’t know what I’d do without her."

What did he say? Was this a dream?

Sam looked at his brother, his expression softer. He knew Dean’s soft spot... You. "You’re not gonna have to do that. You just need to give her time to heal. She’s not gone. She’s right there." He nodded toward the bed, where you acted as if you weren’t mentally available. You wanted to know more, but your body was too weak to move in any way.

Dean’s eyes flickered to you, his expression darkening. "I know. But what if she doesn’t wake up? What if…" He trailed off, his voice barely a whisper, raw with emotion.

He was at his lowest.

"What if I wasn’t fast enough? What if I couldn’t protect her like I should have?"

"Dean, you can’t blame yourself. You did everything you could. We all did. It’s the job. It’s dangerous. You know that. We couldn’t predict that demon breaking in somehow and doing that to her. But you also know she’s not the type to give up without a fight."

Dean nodded and softly agreed. "She fights. She always fights." His throat tightened, and he cleared it. "I don’t want to be the reason she has to keep fighting. I want to be the one who keeps her safe. I want to be the one who makes sure she doesn’t get hurt." He exhaled sharply, his voice barely audible. "I don’t know if I can live with myself if I fail her. She’s become family. More than that."

Sam sighed, looking at you, so peacefully lying there. "I know, man. But you’ve gotta stop torturing yourself. She’s gonna wake up, and when she does, you’re gonna be the first thing she needs. She’s not gonna want you beating yourself up."

There was a long silence between them, the weight of Dean’s worry thick in the air. Your heart was racing. Hearing all those words coming from Dean was like being struck, like you’d fallen victim to Cupid’s arrow. However, it felt illegal listening to them, especially since they didn’t know you heard everything.

Sam stood up, his voice gentle. "She’s not gone, Dean. She’s right here. And when she wakes up, you’ll be right here for her. Just like always. I’ll get some more painkillers and dinner for us. Call me when she wakes up."

Dean didn’t respond at first, his eyes glued to you. He was still struggling, the fear of losing you overwhelming his every thought. But Sam’s words seemed to sink in, just enough to make him take a breath. Dean stood up slowly, moving toward the bed, his gaze softening as he kneeled beside you.

Quietly, Sam disengaged from the motel room, driving off in the Impala.

Dean was so close to you, his smell embedding you in a dream. Your body felt so warm, as if you were burning from the inside.

Dean whispered, almost to himself, "Come on, sweetheart. Wake up. I need you. I need you to be okay."

He brushed a strand of hair from your face, his thumb gently tracing over your skin. His voice trembled, but he kept it steady.

"I can’t do this without you."

The room fell silent once more, with only the sound of your steady breaths filling the space.

Dean looked down at you, his gaze soft but filled with a sharp kind of pain. He leaned closer, his breath warm against your skin, and before you could register what was happening, his lips were pressed against your very own.

The kiss was brief but laden with everything he was feeling: the fear, the relief, the need to feel your warmth against him. It was a kiss that trembled with the desperation of someone who had almost lost you.

He needed you, and silently confessing to you was his sort of comfort. He needed to feel your warmth in some way, to prove you weren’t vanishing from his life.

But then, as if unable to help himself, he leaned in further, his lips brushing softly over yours, tasting the sweetness of you, desperate for a connection. You could feel the heat of his kiss, but you couldn’t respond… not yet. You were too far gone in the haze of unconsciousness, barely aware of the world around you.

Suddenly, you felt a hot tear drop onto your face, one that didn’t belong to you, but to the man who was craving your life.

"Don’t do that to me. Please don’t leave me."

His words broke through the fog in your mind, and though you were still too weak to move, there was a stirring inside you… a pull, a recognition of what was happening. Dean kissed you again, this time deeper, slower, as if trying to pour all of his emotions into the kiss.

Oh, how he missed you already. His hands slid around your neck, cupping your face as he poured his fear, his regret, his love into you.

Your eyes fluttered beneath your eyelids, the sensation of Dean’s lips lingering. You tried to open your eyes, but it was hard; everything was still a blur.

Dean pulled away slightly, his forehead resting against yours, his breath ragged and uneven.

"God, I need you to wake up. Please."

You finally managed to open your eyes, the world coming into focus just enough for you to see the look of sheer desperation on his face. His green eyes were wide.

Dean froze, his breath catching in his throat as he stared at you, his lips parting in disbelief. For a moment, time seemed to stop… his expression softening, the tension melting away as he processed the fact that you were still with him.

"You’re… you’re awake."

You nodded slowly, trying to smile despite the pain in your body. But Dean didn’t smile back right away. Instead, he pressed his lips to your forehead, his breath shaky as he whispered something to himself.

"Thank god…"

Your heart clenched at his words, and you reached up, placing your hand over his. The simple touch seemed to ground him, to remind him that you were still here, still with him. Dean looked down at you, his eyes soft, yet still filled with so much emotion. And for a moment, there was nothing else in the world but the two of you.

Dean exhaled, a breath of relief, and this time, when he smiled at you, it was full of love, full of life, and full of the hope that you’d always be by his side.

[darlingdaisyfarm]

What do u think dad!Ford would be like? 🥹

☆彡 Ford Pines as a dad :)

★ his past haunts him. Ford is hyper-aware of his own mistakes and he’s terrified of repeating them. if he gets snappy or distant, he always circles back to apologise to his kid. “i didn’t mean to upset you. im still learning how to be better at this.”

★ academic expectations aren’t a thing for him. Ford understands the pressure of being “the smart one” better than anyone, so he refuses to let his kid feel the same weight. they could be an artist, a gardener, or a professional bubble blower, he’ll support them 100%

★ awkward, deeply earnest. he’s the dad who gives his kid a PowerPoint presentation on how much he loves them or offers comfort by saying things like: “i believe your emotional pain is valid and deserves acknowledgment.” but he’ll also stay up all night building a model of the andromeda galaxy for their science fair because he wants them to feel supported

★ he loves teaching them. not in a pushy way, but because it brings him joy to share what he knows

★ he's willing to explain the same thing 20 times if they don’t understand it or sit through the same annoying kids’ movie on repeat because it makes them happy

★ paranoid protector. if you think Stan is overprotective, Ford is worse. he teaches his kid how to build a Faraday cage just in case someone tries to control their brainwaves

★ PROUD NERD DAD. he’s that parent. the one who builds overly complicated science projects for the school fair or accidentally intimidates the teacher by asking if the curriculum includes quantum mechanics

★ Ford has seen things. he’s fought interdimensional monsters and battled with Bill Cipher, so yeah, he’s terrified of his kid getting hurt.

“you can’t go to that sleepover. what if it’s a trap set by extradimensional entities?!”

“dad, it’s just Timmy’s house.”

“just Timmy’s house, you say? that’s exactly what Bill would want me to think!”

★ he gives his kid tracking devices disguised as bracelets and builds a mini forcefield generator for their room. It’s a lot, but it all boils down to one thing: he’s terrified of losing them, like he almost lost Stan

★ notes on the fridge with text “out of milk. also, don’t touch the glowing rock in the lab, it might be sentient.”

★ Ford doesn’t always know how to express affection, but he’s so proud of his kid. hes the guy clapping too loud at the school play, or awkwardly trying to high-six after a good report card

★ i have a feeling he'll insist on preparing the kid for every possible situation, from wilderness survival to escaping an alternate dimension. he turns a simple camping trip into an intense survivalist training session.

“so you see this? this is how you create a makeshift compass using only a magnet and some swamp water. now, repeat it back to me.”

“Dad, can we just roast marshmallows?”

★ Ford knows he’s made some very questionable choices in life. and he’s determined to steer his kid away from making the same mistakes. but he also knows that life isn’t meant to be lived in fear. so he tries to let his kid explore and make their own mistakes, even if it kills him to watch

★ he does these impressions of weird creatures he’s studied to make the kid laugh or making up ridiculous bedtime stories about interdimensional adventures

★ being genuinely interested in whatever the kid loves. they mention liking stars? he’s pulling out telescopes and teaching them how to navigate by constellations. they doodle in a notebook? he’s buying them every art supply and researching the history of visual storytelling

★ if the kid needs help with a project, he’ll spend hours (or days) going overboard. you’ll find him at 2 AM in his study, hunched over a model volcano, muttering about optimizing the lava flow

★ casually mentions his interdimensional adventures at dinner and the kid eats it up because, let’s face it, having a dad who’s basically Indiana Jones with extra trauma is awesome

★ he’s terrified of being a bad father, of not being enough, and that fear can make him distant at times. he overthinks every decision, convinced he’s going to mess it all up. what if he's too much like his father? what if he pushes his kid too hard? but the thing is, he cares, so much. and his kid knows it, even if Ford’s love is sometimes wrapped up in layers of self-doubt and fear

★ if anyone messes with his kid oh, they’re done. Ford may be a nerd, but he’s also a six-fingered genius who’s survived the multiverse. he’ll calmly dismantle anyone who threatens his family

★ Ford's bedtime stories start off like normal fairy tales, but somehow they end as “and so, the starfish rebuilt its missing limb, but it always remembered the one it lost. and it knew that even though it was whole again, some things leave scars you never see.” you’re sobbing. the kid’s sobbing. Ford’s eyes are suspiciously glassy as he kisses them on the forehead and mutters something about needing to adjust the humidity in the room.

★ bonus point if he’s reading his kid a bedtime story, he gets way too into it, doing all the voices and even sketching out illustrations

★ Ford may not be that emotional as his brother, except when it comes to his kid. their first stick-figure drawing? framed in his study. their macaroni art project? encased in glass because he’s convinced it’s a modern masterpiece

★ i think Ford is usually the patient parent. but one day, after hours of hearing “why can’t I do this? why am I not good enough?” from his kid, he loses it.

“you think you’re not good enough? do you know what I see when I look at you? i see someone braver than I ever was, smarter than I’ll ever be and kinder than this world deserves. you are my child, my greatest achievement and if I hear you doubt yourself again, so help me, I’ll—” and then he has to stop because both of them are crying and hugging

★ he insists on teaching the kid “important life skills,” but half the time it’s just him geeking out while the kid watches in awe/confusion “okay now, if you ever find yourself trapped in an alternate dimension, here’s how you build a rudimentary portal using only a toaster and three rubber bands.”

“. . . can you teach me how to ride a bike instead?”

“right. yes. of course. bikes.”

★ and he never stops learning. about his kid, about himself, about what it means to be a father. it’s not always easy, but Ford is nothing if not resilient

★ Ford’s idea of a trip is hiking through the woods with a map and an emergency beacon, dragging his kid along while pointing out flora and fauna. “see this plant? highly toxic. don’t touch it.”

★ his passion for research often pulls him away, but he doesn’t want to miss a thing. over time, he learns to put boundaries in place, to walk away from the lab when it’s time for dinner or to prioritize their soccer game over his latest discovery

[fyxestroll]

Whose Problem Is It When the Primarchs Fall in Love? Pt.2

note: posting this during class because im school is making me lose my mind :>

Unnamed Primarch #11 - Had a relationship so healthy Emps got jealous and deleted them from existence.

Angron - Theoretically it should be everyone’s problem but in practice, it’s mainly Angron’s. Like everything in his life, Angron falling in love is a tragedy; there are no good scenarios, no good endings. The Butcher’s Nails have robbed him of many things including the whirlwind of emotions that came with falling in love being replaced by pain, so much pain. There are so many what-ifs, could-have-been and should-have-beens with Angron that in another life—one kinder to him, you just know that he would love you with all of himself. 

Guilliman - He joins Jaghatai in the no-ones problem club. He handles falling in love well, there’s no unbearable pining or disastrous courting ideas. Internally, though, he hesitates from time to time because of the weight he carries on his shoulders. He dreams of retirement, of a simple life and that dream involves falling in love too but he’s far from retirement, far from that simple life. There’s always that nagging thought that his pursuit of you would have you be put into harm's way.

Mortarion - It’s his problem and it makes him miserable. When Mortarion falls in love he expects to be rejected almost immediately. He expects to be hated, to be seen as disgusting. This leads to him avoiding you because despite expecting it, he can’t bear to handle that sort of rejection. Still, he pines from a distance. If Mortarion’s feelings for you are requited then good luck its a never-ending game of hide and seek with his man. 

Magnus the Red - It’s your problem. Have you ever had that one smart classmate that goes ‘oh i didn’t review’ after getting a perfect score and its obvious they said that because they want to be praised? Well, that’s Magnus. He wants your attention and he wants your approval. Praise him, tell him how smart he is, keep up with his genius. Oh, this man can be perceived as so damn annoying and the worst part is that he doesn’t even realise it. When he falls in love, he looks for an equal in tht person.  He wants someone who can keep up with him, someone he can bounce off ideas with but he winds up expressing it in a way that unintentionally insults your intelligence. He’s like a pretentious peacock with the way he’s showing off his mastery of the warp. To have requited feelings for this man means being the most patient and understanding person in the whole galaxy.

Horus - It’s your problem. Like with Magnus you’d need a lot of patience with this man. Horus is like a big bald frat boy and when he pines his frat legion is right behind him. If the Space Wolves are singing kiss the girl the Luna Wolves are doing that with fireworks. Its endearing but so much so that it loops back to being cringe. Not even Horus’ Primarch charisma can help them on that one. Either way, whether you fall for him or not there's just this nagging feeling that something is about to go wrong at any moment.

Lorgar - Three your problems in a row lfg!!! Love for Lorgar is both spiritual happiness and guilt so when he falls in love he feels both. Worse, is that when Lorgar falls in love, he falls in LOVE. His emotions for you are intense and all-encompassing resulting in Lorgar deifying you and feeling immense guilt at what he feels as he feels that his feelings for you is him being corrupted in some way. It’s intense, it’s toxic and unless you’re into that it's your problem.

 Vulkan - He’s the president of the no-one’s-problem club. The OG in-touch with his emotions guy. The closest thing he’d have a problem with is that he looks intimidating as hell so if you aren’t close to him or don’t know him well you might be intimidated but that’s nothing a little quality time with him can’t fix! 

Corvus Corax - It’s his problem but he handles it better than most of the Primarchs on this list. He's well-adjusted enough to go with the flow but the insecurity is still there. He knows that under his skin he’s not exactly human and whether or not you are just the slightest bit aware of a Primarch’s true nature it kills him. Still, out of hypocrysy selfishness, he attempts to pursue you, hesitating every step of the way. Don’t be surprised if he ghosts you for days and then comes back badly trying to pretend like nothing happened.

Alpharius Omegon - It’s their problem (????) Alpharius and Omegon come as a packaged pair in just about anything including love, at least initially. They’re technically the same person but they’re still at their core individuals of the slightest variations so when they fall in love they need to be acknowledged as an individual by that person. It’s messy, internal and highlights the hairline cracks in the twins’ relationship. You don’t know that any of this is happening all you know is that Alpharius likes you.

[rmview]

fight reconciliation, ENHYPEN.

featuring — enhypen members x gn!reader ( masterlist )

summary — when the enhypen boys come to apologize after saying something hurtful in a fight! ( can be read as part 2 of this )

contents — reconciliation, apologies.

hee ➷ seung

heeseung sat on the couch, head in his hands as the weight of his earlier words pressed down on him. he didn’t mean it — not even close. now, the memory of your pained expression haunted him.

after hours of pacing, heeseung grabbed his phone, hesitating before calling you. no answer. he sighed, deciding to do this in person. showing up unannounced might be risky, but he couldn’t bear letting things fester any longer.

when you opened the door, your expression was guarded. heeseung’s heart clenched, but he forced himself to meet your gaze. “can i come in? please?”

you stepped aside silently, and he entered, suddenly hyperaware of how small the space felt with tension between you.

“i... i messed up,” heeseung began, his voice cracking slightly. “what i said earlier — it was stupid and cruel, and i didn’t mean any of it. i was frustrated, and instead of talking like an adult, i lashed out.”

your silence made him nervous, so he continued, stepping closer cautiously. “you mean so much to me. i don’t even know why i said something like that. maybe i was scared... of losing you. but i ended up pushing you away instead.”

you finally looked at him, hurt still visible in your eyes. “you can’t just say things like that, heeseung. words hurt.”

“i know.” he reached for your hands but stopped, unsure if it was too soon. “i can’t take back what i said, but i want to show you that i didn’t mean it. let me prove it to you.”

after a long pause, you sighed. “you have a lot to make up for.”

heeseung nodded earnestly. “i’ll spend the rest of my life making up for it if i have to.”

jay ➷

jay replayed the argument in his mind like a broken record. “you’re being so dramatic! it’s exhausting!” he’d snapped. the look on your face was seared into his memory, and it made his chest ache every time he thought about it.

he knew he needed to apologize, but finding the right words was daunting. instead of calling, he spent hours preparing a small gesture — a bouquet of your favorite flowers and a handwritten note.

when he knocked on your door, the sight of you opening it with a hesitant expression made his breath hitch. “hi,” he said softly, holding out the flowers. “these are for you.”

you accepted them but didn’t invite him in. “what do you want, jay?”

“to apologize,” he said immediately. “what i said earlier was horrible. you didn’t deserve that, and i hate that i made you feel that way.”

you crossed your arms, watching him carefully. “so, why did you say it?”

jay exhaled deeply. “because i’m an idiot. i let my frustration get the better of me, and instead of handling things like a decent person, i lashed out. that’s on me, not you.”

you didn’t respond right away, so he stepped closer. “i don’t want you to think i don’t appreciate you because i do. you mean everything to me. please let me fix this.”

your expression softened slightly, but you still seemed hesitant. “you can’t just fix this overnight, jay.”

“i know.” his voice was quiet but steady. “but i’ll work at it every day if that’s what it takes.”

jake ➷

jake couldn’t sleep. the guilt gnawed at him relentlessly, replaying the moment he’d blurted his words in frustration. the hurt in your eyes had been immediate and profound, and the memory of it was enough to make him feel physically ill.

he grabbed his phone, considering texting you, but no words felt right. instead, he decided to face you in person.

when you opened the door, jake looked at you with wide, apologetic eyes. “hey,” he said, voice almost a whisper. “can we talk?”

you hesitated before nodding, stepping aside to let him in.

jake sat on the edge of your couch, wringing his hands nervously. “i’ve been thinking about what i said earlier,” he began. “it was completely out of line, and i’m so sorry.”

you stayed silent, so he continued, desperation creeping into his tone. “i didn’t mean it — not a single word. i was frustrated and stupid, and instead of talking things out, i said something awful. you didn’t deserve that.”

“why did you say it, then?” you asked, your voice quieter than usual.

jake looked down, guilt evident on his face. “because i’m scared sometimes. of not being enough for you. and when things get tense, i let that fear take over. it’s no excuse, though. i’m so sorry.”

you sighed, sitting across from him. “words have consequences, jake. they hurt.”

“i know,” he said quickly. “and i’ll do anything to make it right. just tell me what you need, and i’ll do it. i don’t want to lose you.”

you looked at him for a long moment before nodding slightly. “you have a lot to make up for.”

jake’s lips curved into a small, relieved smile. “i’ll make up for it. i promise.”

sung ➷ hoon

sunghoon paced his apartment, replaying the argument in his mind. he didn’t mean to say it, but in the heat of frustration, they slipped out, cutting deeper than he’d realized in the moment.

he couldn’t let things end like this. he grabbed his keys and headed straight to your place, his heart pounding with every step. when you opened the door, the hurt in your eyes made him freeze.

“what do you want, sunghoon?” you asked, your tone guarded.

“to apologize,” he said quickly, his voice softer than usual. “i said something i didn’t mean, and i hate that i hurt you.”

you didn’t move to let him in, so he stayed on your doorstep, running a hand through his hair nervously. “i was frustrated, but that’s no excuse. i let my emotions get the better of me, and i took it out on you. that was wrong.”

your silence was heavy, but he pushed through. “the truth is, i don’t want to lose you. i love you, and the thought of not being with you terrifies me. that’s probably why i lashed out... because i’m scared of how much i need you.”

tears pricked your eyes, but you blinked them away. “you can’t just say things like that and expect me to forget, sunghoon.”

“i know,” he said quickly, stepping closer but not crossing the threshold. “i’m not asking you to forget. i’m asking for a chance to make things right. to prove to you that i didn’t mean it and that i’ll do better.”

after a long pause, you sighed. “this isn’t going to be easy.”

sunghoon nodded earnestly. “i don’t care how hard it is. you’re worth it.”

su ➷ noo

sunoo sat curled up on his couch, replaying the argument in his mind. “you’re always so difficult!” he’d snapped, immediately regretting it when he saw the hurt on your face. now, he felt like the worst person alive.

he picked up his phone, staring at your contact for what felt like hours before deciding to face you in person. armed with a small box of your favorite sweets, he knocked on your door, his heart pounding.

when you opened the door, your expression was unreadable, but you stepped aside to let him in.

“i know i’m probably the last person you want to see right now,” sunoo started, his voice soft. “but i couldn’t just let things end like that.”

you crossed your arms, waiting for him to continue.

“i said something awful earlier, and i’m so sorry,” he said, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “you’re not difficult. you’re amazing, and i was just being a jerk.”

“why would you say that, then?” you asked, your tone sharp.

“because i was frustrated and didn’t know how to express myself properly,” he admitted, his voice trembling. “but that’s on me, not you. you deserve someone who lifts you up, not tears you down.”

you softened slightly, but the hurt was still evident. “words have consequences, sunoo.”

“i know,” he said, stepping closer cautiously. “and i’ll spend as long as it takes to prove to you that i’m sorry. you mean too much to me to let my stupid mistake ruin what we have.”

jung ➷ won

jungwon sat in silence, the weight of his earlier words crushing him. “i don’t even know why i put up with this,” he’d said in a rare moment of anger. now, the memory of your shocked expression made him feel sick.

he couldn’t let this fester. he grabbed his jacket and headed to your place, rehearsing what he’d say but knowing it wouldn’t be enough. when you opened the door, he offered a small, hesitant smile.

“can we talk?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

you hesitated before letting him in, crossing your arms as you faced him.

“i messed up,” jungwon began, his voice shaky. “what i said earlier... i didn’t mean any of it. i was angry and lashed out, and that’s not okay.”

“do you even realize how much that hurt, jungwon?” you asked, your voice cracking slightly.

his heart broke at the sight of your tears. “i do,” he said earnestly. “and i hate myself for it. you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and i let my emotions get the better of me. i’ll never forgive myself for making you feel like this.”

you looked away, but he stepped closer, his voice soft. “i can’t change what i said, but i’ll do everything in my power to show you how much you mean to me. please, just give me a chance to make it right.”

ni ➷ ki

ni-ki paced his room, the argument playing in his mind like a broken record. he’d snapped in anger, immediately regretting it when he saw your hurt expression. now, the regret felt like a physical weight on his chest.

he grabbed his phone, typing and deleting a dozen messages before deciding to face you in person. when he knocked on your door, his heart raced as he heard footsteps approaching.

“ni-ki,” you said, your tone cold as you opened the door.

“please, just let me explain,” he said quickly, his eyes pleading.

you hesitated before stepping aside, letting him in.

“i said something horrible earlier, and i hate that i hurt you,” ni-ki began, his voice trembling. “i didn’t mean it — not even for a second. i was frustrated, and instead of talking it out, i lashed out.”

you crossed your arms, your expression guarded. “do you even realize how much that hurt?”

“i do,” he said, his voice soft but firm. “and i hate myself for making you feel like that. you mean so much to me, and i let my emotions get the better of me. that’s on me, not you.”

he stepped closer, his voice filled with sincerity. “i’ll spend as long as it takes to make it up to you. just please... don’t give up on us.” your silence was heavy, but ni-ki’s gaze never wavered. “i’m sorry,” he repeated, his voice barely above a whisper. “and i’ll prove it to you every day if you let me.”

notes: aww, poor boys... do you forgive them? or more suffering next week?

[asheepinfrance]

jewish patrick posting on main and I will not apologize. I don't really like this one but I wanted to write this because the idea's been swimming around my little jello brain since the holidays. still not proof read and banged out in like a half hour, so it's sloppy but i just want it out there. anyways, as always hope you enjoy this late chanukah fic because better late than never, and feel free to leave tips and such :) much love

Patrick can categorize his fond childhood memories into two categories: the Mark Rebellato Tennis Academy (specifically the moments involving Art, girls, beer, or a combination of the three), and holidays. Not the fake holidays, like the massive Christmas party his parents threw each year for “networking” purposes with their primarily Catholic business associates, but the real ones. The ones he’s had to explain to his friends, and the ones he winces at when they horribly butcher the ‘ch’ sound in. 

He can vividly remember being scooped onto his father’s hip, a ball of high energy, wide smiles and a head of curls that grew upwards more than they did down, his mother steadying his hand as he lit the skinny candles stuck into place on the menorah, an heirloom from his paternal side. The fire would shine back in his warm, brown eyes and turn them a deep, rich amber, and he’d scurry off to find whatever incredibly extravagant gift he’d been bought. 

So when it’s finally the first few days before the big old First Night of Chanukah, within your equally big First Holiday Season together, and Patrick’s giddily propping up the menorah near a window, he can’t help but feel a little rush of excitement at getting to explain everything when you say, “Hey, is that the Chanukah thing?” He gives a quick nod, a grin he’s just barely holding back on his lips, as he continues putting everything in proper order. He had to make sure his mom would approve of the set up, whether or not she’d see it. If his mother would approve, meaning not be utterly horrified, that means it’s passable.“Mhm. Don’t you worry, I got you all these sweet-” 

“So it’s like Jew Christmas, right?”

He turns to you slowly, eyes wide and pained like you’d just admitted to cheating. No, actually, this is worse. “Baby… my love…”, he places a hand on your shoulder, squeezing it softly, “Never say that shit to me again.” It’s not a genuine threat… mostly, but the comparison irks because, no, it’s not ‘Jew Christmas’. It’s Chanukah, and Chanukah’s Chanukah. So he makes a decision, then and there, to become your personal Chanukah guide. And he takes his position remarkably seriously.

When you return from work the next day, shoulders sore from your increasingly-heavy purse, all you really want to do so bury your face into Patrick’s lap and sleep there. He, though, has other plans, pulling you inside by the hand before you even have the shot to get your boots off. It smells like… hashbrowns?? The scent’s enough to get your mouth watering and your stomach seemingly clawing at your abdominal walls, but Patrick holds you in place. “Eyes closed,” he says with that stupid, gorgeous smirk that you will kiss off of his face later. Not right now, though. You’re too tired. “Patrick, really, can I just-” He presses a finger to your lips, a grin that’s just trying to goad you into doing as he said. You don’t comply though, so he reluctantly hands you a coin. “It’s a little chocolate coin. Go on, try it, they’re terrible.” You unwrap it gratefully, hands faltering when you stare down at the circular candy. “Patrick… why is it… dusty?” You gaze in mild horror at the mysteriously powdery, gray looking thing. That cannot be safe to eat. He shrugs, unphased, padding towards the kitchen. “Oh, they’ve all got this weird, mystery gray shit on them. Ignore that.” You choose to put it on the coffee table when he’s not looking. Just in case.

The rest of the night is just as uninformative as anything taught by Patrick ought to be. He explains the hashbrowns as latkes, and when you ask “What’s the difference?”, his apt reply came: “I dunno.” It’s sweet, though, that he made them for you (he hopes you don’t find the McDonald’s bags from which they came) and when you question, “Why no gafiltee fish?” he looks at you like you’re the most precious idiot he’s ever come across. You guess you know what he must feel like now. “You don’t eat that on Chanukah, babe. And that’s not how you say it, either?” I bite a hunk off a hashbrown, exasperatedly, “Then how do I say it, hm?” He thinks it over a moment with a hum and a tap of his chin. “Oh, you know.” Jackass.

He’s insistent you light the candles for him when the time’s come, but you wave him off. He takes it in stride, mumbling something that must be Hebrew under his breath as he lights them. He’s got a radiant energy to him like you’ve never seen before. One that’s letting that same little Patrick, with the wide smiles and curls that grow upwards, relive childhood just a moment. You think you get the appeal now, even if you’re still thoroughly uneducated, when you see the flickering flames light his eyes up that perfect shade of amber, and he smiles like he’s finally let some weight he’s been carrying for ages go. You wrap your arms around his stomach, chin propped on his shoulder, and you both stand and stare at the small fires flitting about like fireflies tied down by string. It’s perfect because Patrick’s perfect, and there’s still seven more nights of this to go. Gifts are given, accompanied with strings of “I love you”s in his direction and softly spoken “yeah, yeah… I know”s back in yours. But the knit sweater he gifts you is nothing in comparison to just a single kiss, and when he pulls back complaining with a scowl, and a “You taste like McDonald’s hashbrowns, babe”, you can’t even find it in yourself to be mad about them not having been homemade.

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

Finally watched the hedgehog 3 movie and I LOVED IT

[Spoilers rambles under cut ]

I’M SORRY THE STRAIGHT UP VERTICAL AKIRA BIKE SLIDE OFF OF A TOWER INTO THE AIR????? THE WAY IT WENT FROM TOWER UNDER THE WHEELS TO JUST AIR????? SHADOWS EXPRESSIONS??? MARIAS ROLLERBLADES?????? WHEN I SAW THE BIKE SLIDE IN THE TRAILER I THOUGHT IT WAS ON SOLID GROUND, NO THEY FOOLED US IT WAS MID AIR AND IT WAS AWESOME. THE ‘I’M RIGHT HERE’ KILLED ME I’M IN A THOUSAND PIECES YOU BET I’M READING WAY TOO FAR INTO THAT listen hear me out I know someone has probably already said this but I’m insane about Maria and Tom doing the “who you are in here” and Shadow pointing there when he says I’m right here because hey listen that’s where he’s feeling all his pain that’s where he lives FACE IN HANDS I CAN’T ARTICULATE IT BUT IT’S SO GOOD. Listen, listen, it’s just a REALLY REALLY FUN MOVIE and I ENJOYED IT and I WILL WATCH IT AGAIN IF I CAN. I need a file of the movie so i can make an amv or SOMETHIGN THE FIGHT SCENES ARE SO NEAT I’M AAAAA OUGH “what was his name, Tom?” AND ACTUALLY LOOKS CAUGHT OFF GUARD WHEN SONIC PUNCHES HIM TO THE LITERAL M O O N i sound insane but listen listen LISTENNNNNNNNNNNNNN REVENGE GUAC THANKS FOR NOTHING. SHADOW????? SHADOW WAS INSANE VOICE ACTING OFF THE CHARTS ANIMATION FOR FACIAL EXPRESSIONS HURT ME HIS CAUTION AROUND MARIA WHILE SHE REMAINS THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD TO HIM [FLIPS TABLE] GET ME OUTTA HERE I’MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FAMILY RACE HAPPY BEARTHDAY SONIC AND KNUCKLES??? OUGH UGH AAAAAA Kay, listen, I really loved the movie, if you haven’t seen it I would highly recommend it, it’s got the most absolute nonesense from the eggman side and the most hurt from the shadow sonic side and the most family ever from sonic and fam and Tom’s donut lord sweater is just as glorious as it looked in the trailer and okay okay I’m going to stop for now but I loved it, it was so much fun, it was so entertaining, i was smiling for so much of it, THE LASER DANCE IMCRYINGLKMDF I’m totally fineAMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYY I DON’T EVEN GO HERE BUT I ENJOYED IT SO MUCH okay okay time to chill out it’s like bedtime for me i literally have a test tomorrow i have to sleep goodnight goodnight i loved this movie it brought me joy the angst was so good the MOON SCENE OUGH OUGH gngngnngn

[tomathy-inside-of-the-it]

Sm rambly thoughts

Tommy’s new video is so direct and personal I really fuck with it. I appreciate how upfront it is. All this stuff has been boiling for years and It’s great that it’s coming out in full force now. I don’t think Tom’s a perfect guy ofc but clearly I really still vibe with him + I feel a lot of genuine passion and introspection in most of what he produces, he has every right to be proud of the thing’s he’s created.

I won’t speak much on dream from here on out since I tend to avoid him on the internet until things like this (inevitably) crop up, but I think that the way he’s handled all of his controversial situations is immature at best. It seems like when he writes these long messages, threads, and reddit posts and does these livestreams that there ARE genuine feelings put into it, but there is no self reflection. It’s just anger that he tries to repackage as “being reasonable”

I don’t really hate dream fans tbh as a whole, I know how it feels to hyperfixate on something to an intense degree and how it can feel too heavy or even painful to let go. I think there were moments when dream was mistreated by the internet, and I think it’s easy for those who want to see the best in him to latch onto that.

I think dream’s behavior has been regressing and it kinda makes me sad. I can’t really stand the guy or his circle, and everything from behind the scenes that comes out about them makes me dislike them more.

It feels like Dream got to the “your feelings are valid” part of therapy and never went past that. If he feels bad then that means he’s in the right

I think Tom deserves this time to just be completely open about everything he’s felt since he started working within this sphere. I think when people like Toby have criticized him about things like getting too into the bit at the expense of other’s comfort it’s completely valid. I don’t think dream is a person who has any right to use those criticisms, especially considering anything turned sexual. “He started it” and “they wanted to be treated as adults” are not excuses in any way. And language like that is why he’s probably never going to shed the groomer title in the public eye. It’s literally textbook speak for teenagers and kids to look out for. It’s disgusting.

Ultimately dream comes out of this looking like an even bigger dick than I already believed him to be. That’s kinda my biggest takeaway here, just like, “what a jerk.”

[yua0ra]

𝐌𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐞𝐟, 𝐌𝐚𝐲𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐨

WARNINGS: mattheo x ravenclaw!fem!reader, breaking the rules, reader is brutally hit by an angry bludger (lol), established relationship. SFW. not proofread.

fluff ☏

SUMMARY: After a brutal bludger hit leaves you unconscious and in the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey bans all visitors to ensure your recovery. However, just as you’re grappling with the “no more flying for a while” rule, Mattheo sneaks in, grinning like he owns the place. He’s armed with stolen sweets and endless teasing, and espite your protests, his playful banter, plotting and expected charm, makes recovery far less boring.

WC: +1.2K AN: ENJOY! <3

𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓

The damage was done. The bludger collided with your head, its impact sharp and unrelenting. You hadn’t even seen it coming, and before you had time to brace yourself, your body was thrown off your broom, spiraling uncontrollably through the air. The ground rushed up to meet you far too quickly, and everything went black as you hit the dirt.

When you awoke, you found yourself lying in the cool, sterile bed of the hospital wing. The soft rustling of Madam Pomfrey’s robes filled the air as she hovered over you, fussing with her potions and muttering to herself in a language you couldn’t quite follow. Pain pulsed in your head, making it hard to concentrate, but you could still feel the weight of her magic working to heal you.

“You’re lucky,” Madam Pomfrey said with a tone that was a mix of relief and reprimand. “That was a nasty knock to the head, but you’ll be fine. No flying for a while, though.”

You barely heard her, your mind too foggy from the injury. Still, as the haze began to clear, one thought nagged at you: Mattheo. You hadn’t seen him since the incident, and despite the fact that he was on the opposing Slytherin team, you couldn’t shake the worry that he might be concerned. After all, Mattheo, sometimes was far from the usual Slytherin arrogance believe it or not. He had a unique, unpredictable way of showing he cared, a way that more often than not, got him in trouble.

But it wasn’t just him you had to worry about; it was Madam Pomfrey’s strict rules. She had already made it clear that no one was allowed to visit you while you recovered. And most importantly, what did she mean by “no flying”? The season was just starting and you couldn’t afford losing too much practice.

As time passed, you began to drift in and out of consciousness, the pain in your head still throbbing, though less intense. That was until you heard a soft, familiar voice break through the silence.

“You look terrible.”

Mattheo’s voice was low, full of that signature smirk of his, even though you could tell he was trying to suppress it. You didn’t even need to open your eyes to know who it was. You could hear the unmistakable sound of his footsteps, deliberate and quiet, obviously trying not to alert Madam Pomfrey. Your eyes flickered open slowly, surprised but somehow not surprised at all. There, leaning casually against the curtain that separated your bed from the rest of the wing, was Mattheo, his mischievous grin plastered on his face.

“I feel terrible, and you’re not supposed to be here,” you muttered, the words thick and sluggish as you tried to sit up. “Never stopped me before,” he said with a wink.

“Besides, I’m just checking on my favorite girl.” He looked down at you with concern, his gaze softening as he caught sight of the bandages wrapped around your head.

You tried to shoot him a glare, but the effort only made your head pound more. “Madam Pomfrey will catch you.”

“She can’t catch me if she doesn’t know I’m here,” Mattheo said, his voice low and conspiratorial. “And I’ve got my ways. Don’t worry.” His eyes twinkled with that spark of mischief that always seemed to follow him like a shadow.

Despite yourself, you smiled faintly. “You’re impossible.”

“Impossible to resist, you mean,” he quipped, his grin widening.

“Merlin’s tits Matty”

“I couldn’t leave you alone in here,” Mattheo ignored your comment, his voice quieter now. “Besides, I think I might have a little surprise for you.”

You raised an eyebrow, curious despite the exhaustion weighing you down. “A surprise?”

He reached into his robe and pulled out a small package of Fizzing Whizzbees “don’t worry, it’s not illegal… well, mostly not illegal, I stole them from Honeydukes,” he laughed. “Just a little something to make you feel better.”

“Aw… thank you baby!” You could have sworn you saw a pretty red hue decorating his cheeks but before you could comment on it, he cleared his throat “don’t get too comfortable, though. You’ll be back on that broom before you know it.”

“Madam Pomfrey said “no flying”, so… how am I supposed to do that?” you asked, the sarcasm in your voice evident as you glanced at the bandages still wrapped tightly around your head.

Mattheo’s grin grew wider. “Oh, I’m sure you’ll figure it out. You’re a Ravenclaw, after all. You’ve got that whole ‘brains over brawn’ thing going for you, right?”

You shot him an unimpressed look. “Yeah, well, brains don’t exactly help when your head feels like it’s about to explode. But thanks for the encouragement, I guess.”

“Ah, well, if anyone can figure out how to get back on a broom while half-dead, it’s you.” He leaned against the bedframe, his eyes twinkling mischievously. “Maybe you could borrow my broom. I’ll give you a head start and all.” You chuckled despite yourself. “I’m pretty sure the last time you let me ride your broom with you, we ended up in a tree.”

“That wasn’t my fault!” he protested, holding up his hands in mock surrender. “It was the wind, or maybe some stray magic. Who can say? Anyway, I’m positive that wasn’t my broom’s fault. Just a… little accident.”

“A little accident?” you laughed. “Mattheo, you flew me straight into a tree while trying to ‘show off’ your skills.”

“Well, you can’t deny that my skills are impressive.” He shot you a cocky grin before straightening up. “Besides, I was just trying to make it exciting. Who wants a boring, uneventful flight, anyway?”

“You’re lucky I’m even talking to you after that stunt,” you said, shaking your head with a smirk. “I should’ve gotten you expelled for that, you know.”

“Oh, come on, love, you know I’ve got a face that gets me out of trouble.” He waggled his eyebrows at you, clearly proud of himself. “It’s my best weapon. Don’t act like you’re not impressed.” You rolled your eyes, but despite the teasing, a laugh bubbled up. “Well, you certainly make trouble look entertaining.”

“That’s the goal, obviously,” he said with a wink. “But seriously, once you’re back in shape, I’ll be there to make sure you don’t take any more unplanned naps on the ground. You’ve got a reputation to uphold, you know?”

“I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine,” you said, though there was a hint of a smile on your lips. “But I can’t promise I won’t need a little bit of help staying out of trees next time.” Mattheo grinned, his tone turning playful again. “I’ll keep that in mind. You never know when a tree might decide to attack you.” He gave you a dramatic look of concern. “You might need a bodyguard for that. I volunteer as tribute.”

“Oh, please. You’d probably end up trying to fly into the tree again to impress me,” you teased, raising an eyebrow. He shrugged nonchalantly. “What can I say? It’s a gift. But don’t worry, I’ve got a much more foolproof plan for next time.”

“And what would that be?” you asked, intrigued despite yourself.

“Easy,” he said, putting his hands behind his back like a magician preparing for a big reveal. “I’ll just get you a helmet. We wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself on those crazy tree branches, would we?”

“Not sure if you’re insulting me or trying to protect my dignity, but thanks,” you replied dryly, though you couldn’t suppress the smile tugging at your lips.

“Well, I’m just saying, we can’t have you falling off the broom again,” he said, his grin widening at the sight of you trying not to laugh. “You never know what could happen on your next ‘adventure.’”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” you said, finally letting out a small chuckle. “Just make sure to stay out of my way when I get back on that broom. I’m aiming for no more tree incidents, thanks to your ‘help.’”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be there to catch you—whether you like it or not,” Mattheo said, giving you a kiss on the forehead as he headed for the door.

You shook your head as he disappeared down the hallway, already planning his next ridiculous idea to “help” you back on your broom. For all his teasing and mischievous ways, you had to admit, it was nice to know you wouldn’t be alone in recovering from this latest incident.

Maybe mischievous Mattheo wasn’t as bad as you’d thought. Even if he still had a penchant for getting into trouble, you’d be lying if you didn’t admit that you secretly enjoyed every second of it.

[oonajaeadira]

Patricio Keeps a Journal, Pt. 1: Winter

Good. Things. Take. Time. is a series that grew out of prompts–the whisper of a character, the asks of readers. And now, to get myself back into PATS’s head, the prompts are coming from @fanfticionoverload’s Seasons of Life challenge.

What you’re about to read are some excerpts from Patricio’s journal. Heads up they probably won't make much sense if you haven't read the ongoing series.

Each excerpt is just that–snippets that pertain to the story, taken from his presumed wider journal, each notated where it lands in the series and follows the chronology of the series.

The rules of the challenge ask for 250 words per prompt. I thought it would be a little less forced if I didn’t worry so much about that, so some may fall short of that number. And I’ll say that these aren’t heavily edited nor are they anything other than basic reactions, precisely because I wanted them to feel like the unfiltered thoughts one writes in a journal.

Let’s say that it was Shell’s orders for him to keep a journal in the first place. If his practice is his way of dealing with his demons, if he’s not going to go to traditional therapy, then “the least you can do is just offload before bed, and not the kind of offloading you do with your dick. I’m not gonna read it, but I’ll want to see words on those pages. Write a fucking play for all I care, write a manifesto about your love of pasta, I don’t give a shit what. Just write.”

I don’t have anything to write. I’m not a fucking poet. Shell says use the pen, get the words out of your head, just write anything. Anything. Anything. Tables have turned. Now I’m the one practicing letting it all out. Trying not to think too hard.  Anything.

EXCERPT 1: SNOW

TIMELINE: a few days before Good. Things. Take. Time.

…

#39 gifted me four tickets to the game at her last session. It’s Neils’ birthday. I’ll surprise him and Dan with a guy’s night out.

Got a new client coming in on Thursday. #48. I wasn’t going to approve her. Nothing in her application hints at any lingering trauma that she can’t just get treated at a legit clinic. But Shell was pushy about this one. She's got a knack for these things and hasn’t been wrong yet. Official referral diagnosis: pain is psychological tension from a recent(?) divorce. I guess it’s worth a shot. If nothing else, divorcees are usually just in need of a good fuck so it’s an easy fix. Good photo. I like her style. She’s going to make pretty faces.

Thinking about taking some time off after that. Rare confluence of three clients ending their run at the same time, it’s slow season at the office and the guys can handle a week without me, I should get out of town. Someplace quiet. Or fuck, I don’t know, someplace distracting where I can get out of my head. Maybe I should book a massage. Look at me, I’m hilarious. Who massages the masseuse? I’ll have Shell find me something. Keep it interesting. Place yer bets: seedy and cheap or golden toilets and happy endings? As long as it’s somewhere warm.

Renee posted the pictures from her honeymoon. Skiing in the Alps. She always used to hate the snow. Guess people change. Change can be a good thing. 

She’s better off. 

___

EXCERPT 2: SCARF

TIMELINE: The night of Good. Things. Take. Time.

…

Shell hit the jackpot on this one. Perfect plaything. She’s like I custom ordered a client. Recurring cluster knots all down her starboard teres major, needs a hand getting in under the port shoulder blade…can’t do it alone. Needs my hands. She needs me. Follows directions, trusts completely. Has a good imagination. That will open up more in time. I expect a challenge out of this one. Surprised the shit out of me with the beautiful thing though. Maybe shouldn’t have let her have that. Maybe shouldn’t have gone down on her. It’s fine. She’s clean. Tastes good smells good ass for days. I can get a good handful. Everywhere.

And perfect inside. Tight but not too tight, good control with the right assistance, takes direction like a dream. I’ll be able to get her to sing if she keeps listening. Mierda, her skin. My hands want to eat it. Oil it up and map it out and scarf it down. Her muscle structure is    -just-    amazing. I haven’t been this amped in months. This one hits the spot.

Giving her Thursday across the board might have come off too eager. Well, if that didn’t, offering up extra days on call probably did. Jackass.

Not gonna worry about that tonight. Bowling with the guys tomorrow night. Hope they’re ready to eat their damn balls. I’m fucking invincible.

She called me beautiful. She’s [sentence scratched out] 

Forgot to note in her file–she said she hasn’t had anyone make her come in over a year even though info says she’s only been divorced a few months. What kind of an asshole just walks away from that her? How could anyone share a bed or a house or anything with that and resist for a year? She deserves to get fucked every day. Why wouldn’t you want someone that just falls into you so willingly and fucks so pretty? Great. Now I’m angry. Not my concern. Just my gain.

___

EXCERPT 3: COZY 

TIMELINE: weekend evening, after installment #2, relieving period cramps

…

Keep thinking about Thursday. It’s not about the blood. It is and it isn’t. It’s obviously that she needed relief. It’s good to see her trusting. That can be tricky for some women. Beaten into them that they have to hide what their body does. It’s a body. It’s a unique mechanism. It has shit and blood and needs a good release now and then. Or every day for some people...another truth for some of us that the world wants hidden away.

The blood’s messy. It’s primal. It’s brutal and nobody blinks an eye if it comes from a punch to the face or a slice of the thumb. But the minute it comes from the minute it shows you what  a woman’s body is capable of… But it’s also the harshness of the color, a signal that if there’s pain then it’s real. It’s a helpful focus.

She just LETS me. There's beauty in that pliability. She trusts, she follows, she heals. The way her face just relaxes when the knots are gone. It’s almost as good as the orgasm itself. Beautiful.

Got her all warmed up in the bath, all cozy in bed. Fell asleep like a worn-out kitten and I had an urge to kiss her forehead. Poor thing just needed it today. Successful session.

___

EXCERPT 4: FIREPLACE 

TIMELINE: a couple of weeks later, evening, after installment #3, the treatment for migraine and anxiety AND includes this six sentence ficlet

…

Well shit. There’s a coincidence. She wouldn’t believe me if I told her.

Thursday came in tonight tight as a screw, migraine a good 7 or 8. I had to take it slow. Asked her to focus on some bright spots in her life, like her favorite things. I might have guessed the animals and reading, but the fanfiction was a surprise. Cute. It was best not to talk about what was causing the stress because

Her family coming to stay.

Fuck if I don’t sympathize. 

Mama got here two days ago and all she can do is complain about her hotel and American food and how everyone speaks too fast for her to keep up. It’s cold here. The hotel should have a fireplace. Why don’t you take time off Patricio? You have an extra bedroom, why can’t your mama sleep there?

I love her. But I get it. There are just some boundaries that are hard. I get you, Thursday.

Preciosa.

Fucked her five ways til Sunday. She fucked ME five ways till Sunday.. She drew blood. Didn’t even care. Mark me up, girl. Glad I could help, but damn that might have been more mutually beneficial than I’d originally planned.

___

EXCERPT 5: HOT CHOCOLATE 

TIMELINE: night of installment #4, with the undergarment ripping and the thigh-highs

…

I didn’t expect to get to play this much. I’m usually so focused on the pain and making sure the client can come in their condition that there’s not a lot of room for fun and surprises. I got to take Shell out last weekend and might have bought her too many beers and pull-tabs. It took her about three bottles to get profound. She wants to know who "therapies the therapist" and told me I should remember that it’s okay to put my own priorities first sometime. She said that people in the industry of care need to be taken care of too. She said it’s okay to have a client that gives as good as she gets. Then she went home and threw up and texted me the next day that she’s drinking nothing but hot chocolate from now on. Haha

Shit. Thursday feels good when she walks out of here. She looks like a million bucks. I did that. I DO that. THAT’s what I need. So yeah. Why shouldn’t I enjoy that? Cute tonight. She wanted me to rip her panties. All she had to do was ask, but I think she was embarrassed to?

So the new diagnosis is lack of confidence and the treatment is for her to speak up for what she wants. We’re going to get her to a place where she can ask–or demand what she needs. We’ll work on her trusting that I’ll give her anything she wants–anything. 

She’ll be able to walk out of here and conquer the world when I’m done with her.

___

EXCERPT 6: FREEZING 

TIMELINE: a couple of weeks after the previous entry

...

[….] and Niels can go to hell though because I don’t care how low key it is or how good the whiskey is, I’m not giving up my Thursdays to fill in the hole in his poker night. His basement is freezing and I have warmer places to be.

Although speaking of, Thursday canceled again. It’s been a couple of weeks. Crunch time at work for her I guess. Her portal messages seem pretty stressed. She’s apologetic about missing sessions. I can tell her she doesn’t need to apologize, I’m getting paid whether she shows or not. And honestly, it just means we’re going to have to work that much harder to get her malleable again and I can hardly complain about that. A build up’s a hell of a thing. As long as she doesn’t mess up her rhombs again. We were just making headway on that. I should ask her about her desk chair.

But I’d be lying if I said that I gave a shit about the pay. I’m allowed to enjoy my clients and be disappointed when I don’t get to see them.

At least Jean’s back on Friday. It will be nice to see her again. Now that her latest surgery’s all healed up, we can find her some good positions for her to take home. I know her partner’s skittish about the discovery phase. But she’s almost done and when the reconstruction’s over, he’ll thank me for it. He SHOULD thank me for it, she’s got a good laugh and good tits.

Jean’s a perfect example of learning to speak up for herself. I can do the same for Preciosa. Lucky for her she doesn’t have Jean’s level of pain to work through. But she’s gotta show. up. for. it. Come on, girl. I got you.

___

EXCERPT 7: MARSHMALLOW

TIMELINE: directly after installment #5, all pent up and feral

…

Now THAT. Was a successful fuck. We’re making headway here. Little slapping, little biting, she got a good few hair yanks in there. She’s learning that not only am I not a marshmallow…neither is she. Good girl. Pretty high praise response, but she’s also got a little fight in her. She’s a switch and doesn’t even know it. She will. 

There were some real emotions tonight, real anger, real tears. But when she let go I nearly wept myself. It was beautiful. She’s working too hard and she knows it. But she also knows I’ve got her when she does. Hopefully that will preempt some of the stress next time. Not even upset about that shoulder blade. We’ll just start from the beginning on that.

[....]

Just reminded me of Renee nagging about working too hard. I just remembered that I had a dream about her a few nights ago. Not really about her. She was in the background somewhere and not even angry that I didn’t stop to say hello. Then she picked up her purse and left. The light kind of shifted like, I don’t know. Felt like it was the last time I’d see her. Not in a bad way. 

It’s good. Like a door really closing.

Maybe I do work too hard. But I like it. It’s who I am. It’s my choice.

____

PATS in winter by @d4rm4nd4

SERIES MASTERLIST

[dreamlanderin]

You don't see me (Sam x reader)

Summary: Sam is hung up on ruby and you are left to pick up the pieces.

Words: 3k

Warnings: Angst, I guess?

The bunker is quiet tonight, save for the faint hum of the overhead lights and the distant creak of Dean moving somewhere down the hall. You’re sitting across from Sam at the long wooden table, stacks of books and lore spread between you like a fortress of words. The heavy, ancient tomes barely make a dent in the silence hanging between you. It’s not uncomfortable exactly, but the weight of unspoken words lingers, settling like dust in the corners of the room.

Sam hasn’t said much in the last hour, but you know him well enough by now to tell his mind is elsewhere. His eyes flicker down to his phone every few minutes, thumb hovering over the screen. He hasn’t texted her yet. You wish you didn’t know that, but you do. The tension in his shoulders, the faint crease of worry between his brows—it’s a routine you’ve seen too many times. He’s fighting a battle he’s already lost.

“You okay?” you ask, pretending to skim the passage in front of you. The words blur together, your focus slipping.

He blinks, startled by your voice. “Yeah.” He offers a polite smile, one that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Just thinking.”

“Figured. You’ve been reading the same page for twenty minutes.”

He lets out a soft laugh, but it falls flat. “Guess I have. Sorry.”

“No need to apologize,” you reply gently, though the knot in your chest tightens. “I get it.”

And you do. Too well.

You wonder if Ruby knows just how much space she takes up in his mind. How his expression softens when he thinks about her, the way his gaze lingers on his phone like it’s a lifeline. You’ve seen that look before—the same one he used to give Jess. But Ruby isn’t Jess. And deep down, you think Sam knows that too.

You close your book with a quiet thud, watching the way his fingers drum absently against the table. “You should call her.”

His eyes snap up to yours, searching for something he doesn’t find. “It’s late.”

“I don’t think she’d care.” You try to keep your tone light, but the words carry more weight than you intended.

He doesn’t respond, and the silence stretches thin. You push your chair back, forcing a smile as you stand. “I’m gonna grab some coffee. Want anything?”

He shakes his head, gaze already dropping back to the phone. “I’m good. Thanks.”

You linger for a moment, hoping he’ll say something, anything. But he doesn’t.

The kitchen is dimly lit, the faint drip of the coffee machine the only sound as you lean against the counter. Your arms cross tightly over your chest, a futile attempt to keep the ache behind your ribs from spreading. It’s a familiar pain now, one that grows sharper every time Sam glances at his phone or mentions her name. Ruby. She’s a shadow you can’t outrun, a presence you can’t compete with.

She wasn’t the one who stayed up with him on sleepless nights, listening to his worries and fears. She wasn’t the one who patched him up after hunts, hands steady even when yours should have been trembling. She doesn’t know him the way you do, and yet, it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t see you.

By the time you return, coffee in hand, Sam is standing by the bookshelves, phone pressed to his ear. His back is to you, but you don’t need to see his face to know who he’s calling. You set the mug down on the table a little harder than necessary, the soft clink echoing in the quiet room.

He doesn’t react. Or maybe he does and just chooses not to. Either way, you sink back into your chair, staring at the blurred words on the page in front of you. His voice carries faintly across the room, low and warm in a way that twists something ugly in your chest. You don’t need to hear what he’s saying. You already know.

You knew this would happen. It always did. The phone would ring, her name would light up his screen, and you’d disappear—just a shadow in his periphery. You hated how easily she pulled him away, how little it seemed to take for her to consume him completely. But what you hated most was how powerless you felt to stop it. He never even noticed you were gone.

When he finally returns to the table, his expression is unreadable. He sits across from you, and the silence between you feels heavier than before.

“Everything good?” you ask, keeping your tone neutral.

He nods, brushing his hair back with one hand. “Yeah. She just wanted to check in.”

Of course, she did. You swallow the bitter reply that rises in your throat and force a small smile. “Good. That’s good.”

The silence stretches again, unbearable now. Sam notices this time. His gaze flickers toward you, softer than before, but still guarded.

“I know you’re worried about her,” he says quietly.

Your heart skips, but you keep your expression even. “Dean’s worried about her. I’m just… cautious.”

Sam leans back, crossing his arms as he studies you. “It’s not just that. You don’t trust her.”

“She’s a demon, Sam. Of course I don’t.”

He flinches at your bluntness, his shoulders stiffening. “Yeah, I know.”

You lean forward, resting your arms on the table. “If you know, then why are we even having this conversation?”

His jaw tightens, and for a moment, you think he won’t answer. When he finally speaks, his voice is quieter, almost pleading. “It’s not that simple.”

“It is that simple.” Your voice softens, but the edge remains. “She’s dangerous. You know it. I know it. Dean knows it. I can’t just sit here and pretend like that doesn’t terrify me.”

Sam looks at you then, really looks at you, and for the first time, you see a flicker of doubt in his eyes. But it isn’t enough.

“She’s helped us before,” he says, more to himself than to you. “I need to believe there’s something worth saving.”

You wanted to laugh, to tell him that ‘help’ wasn’t the same as trust, that saving her wasn’t his burden to bear. But the words caught in your throat, tangled with the memory of every time you’d stayed silent before. It didn’t matter what you said—he wasn’t listening. He never had. His faith in her was something you couldn’t touch, no matter how desperately you wanted to.

You shake your head, the words catching in your throat. “Believing in someone isn’t the same as trusting them. You’re trusting her with your life, Sam. With ours.”

He exhales sharply, running a hand through his hair. “I couldn’t save Jess. I couldn’t save Mom. If I can stop Ruby from going down the same path…”

His voice cracks, and your chest tightens at the vulnerability in his tone. You know. You’ve been there through all of it, left to pick up the pieces every time.

“Or maybe she’s counting on that,” you whisper.

Sam freezes, and for a moment, neither of you move. The distance between you feels too small, too wide, all at once.

“She’s not the only one who needs you,” you say finally, voice trembling. “Why can’t you see that?”

His eyes snap to yours, something raw and unsteady flickering in his gaze.

Your heart pounds in your chest, each word from him sinking deeper than the last. He doesn’t understand—he can’t. This wasn’t just about Ruby; it was about all the times you’d stayed, all the times you’d carried the weight of his grief without asking for anything in return. And now, with just a glance, it felt like he was ready to cast you aside as though none of it mattered. You wondered if he even realized how much space he took up in your world, how much you’d given without question.

“I didn’t ask you to wait for me.”

The words hit like a slap, sharp and unexpected. You don’t move, but inside, everything shifts. Your breath catches in your throat, and for a moment, it feels like the room tilts, the ground beneath you cracking open.

He didn’t say it to be cruel—you know that. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. You feel the heat rising in your chest, curling into something raw and bitter. You want to scream, to shout at him for how thoughtless those words are. But all you can do is stand there, frozen in place, the weight of them sinking deep.

He didn’t ask you to wait.

Your mind spirals, pulling you into the moments you’ve spent by his side—the late nights, the patched wounds, the way you’ve carried his burdens without question. You think of all the times you chose him, even when it hurt, even when it meant putting your own heart on the line. And now, all of it feels unbearably small, insignificant in the shadow of those seven words.

You force yourself to breathe, slow and steady, but the ache behind your ribs spreads wider. He doesn’t see it. He doesn’t see me.

Swallowing hard, you turn away, the tension in your throat sharp and suffocating. The words you want to say—to demand how he could be so blind, so cruel—stay locked behind your teeth. Because what’s the point? He’s already made his choice. And it isn’t you.

"I know," you breathe. "You didn’t have to."

Forcing your feet to move, you walk away. You want to scream at the empty hallway, to beg him to come after you, to say something that would make this pain go away. But you don’t. You can’t. Instead, you pause at your door, hand resting on the frame, trying to convince yourself that this was enough. That it had to be enough. Because if you let yourself hope for more, it might just destroy you.

With a quiet exhale, you step inside, shutting the door softly behind you. The room feels colder, emptier, and as you sink onto the bed, you finally let the weight of it all settle over you.

He didn’t ask me to wait… but I did anyway... How stupid of me.

✦────────────────────✦────────────────────✦

Any feedback would be great ;) hope you enjoyed

[propertyofwhitney67]

You're Safe Here

M!Winter x GN!Reader

Words: 908

Tw: past assault and rape, injuries, age gap, teacher student relationship, hurt/comfort??

Note: My old man deserves some love

I was curled up against the side of the school, bruised, beaten, and covered in drying cum. It hurt too much to move and I was scared they’d come back to use me again. I didn’t know how to feel when the bell rang, signalling the end of the school day. Students would be filings out of the school but there would also be teachers…

Thankfully no one came around to bother or hurt me further. Well, not until a few hours after the bell rang, I heard quiet footsteps coming from behind me. I peeked over my shoulder, scared to find another would be attacker. Thankfully it was only Winter who looked concerned to see me curled up like this. “Something happened.” It wasn’t a question, but I still nodded nonetheless.

He nodded knowingly back, no doubt thinking about how to help me. He can’t exactly pick me up and carry me. “Come on.” He seemingly decided, helping me up as carefully as he could. I couldn’t help but grunt and clench my teeth as he helped me up, I was still in a lot of pain and every movement hurt. He led me back to his car, helping me inside, no doubt planing to take me to his house.

The ride was relatively quiet, just quiet music coming from the radio. I mostly stared down at the floorboards, he always kept his car so clean. I could feel him looking over at me every so often, making sure I wasn’t in distress. I wasn’t distressed though, just numb and tired. My adrenaline was wearing off and I wanted nothing more than a safe place to sleep.

The car came to a stop and I realized we had made it to Winter’s house. His house has always been a safe place for me. Sure, I’m rarely here, but it just makes me feel good when I am here. “I’ll run a bath.” Winter said, helping me into the house and to his bedroom.

I laid back on the bed as he left for the adjoining bathroom, left to my own thoughts….Thank god it was Winter that found me. I don’t think I would be able to handle it if it was anyone else. He’s strict but he’s always been kind to me, even before we started this relationship. I don’t even know what to call what we have…it’s complicated…

Before I could get too lost in those thoughts, Winter emerged from the bathroom. “It’s ready.” I groaned in pain again as he helped me stand up and walk to the bathroom. “Do you want me to help?” He asked in a professional tone, watching me struggle to undress. I nodded slowly, raising my arms up so he could help me get my dirty shirt off.

It took a few minutes but I was finally undressed and in the tub. The hot water felt like heaven to my aching and dirty body. “Thank you.” I whispered, too worn out to speak any louder. I winced and sucked in air as I tried to clean my own body with the washcloth, any movement hurt. 

I was too banged up to do this myself and Winter could tell, “Let me.” He said, taking the washcloth from me and carefully washing my body of all the dirt and dried cum. It was a long few minutes before he said anything again, “Do you feel comfortable enough to talk about it?” Wincing again in pain, I shook my head, not wanting to think of it more than I had to. “That’s ok.” He’s always understood, he knows what this town is like. He knows that I don’t like talking about it, at least not till I calm down and feel safe. This isn’t the first time he’s helped me after something like this.

I stared down at the water, watching it turn a light brown from all the disgusting stuff that was being washed off of me. “I don’t want to wear those clothes again.” I whispered, thinking of what I was going to wear after I got out of the tub. I never want to see them again, I want to burn them.

Winter hummed, nodding. “You don’t have to. I think you left some stuff here last time, you can wear those.” His face flushed at the last part, no doubt remembering my last visit. It was much better than this visit, that’s for sure.

It wasn’t long after that did he finish scrubbing my skin. Lifting the drain, letting the water drain from the tub. He helped me stand up but told me to stay in the tub, wanting to rinse me off with the shower head. The water was cold but it was over quickly, Winter wrapping me in a towel and helping me out of the tub and then to the bedroom. He sat me down on the bed and went to fetch my clothes that I left here.

After I was dressed, exhaustion finally overtook me. I crawled up the bed and laid down, curling up in the fetal position. Winter walked around to my side, pulling the covers up around me. “Rest, you’re safe here.”

I smiled tiredly, nodding in response.  “Thank you…” I felt him pet my hair comfortingly before I drifted off to sleep, feeling the safest I had all day. I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for him.

𝘔𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵

𝘒𝘰-𝘍𝘪

[awordsmith]

drowning on the edge 𝜗𝜚 s.r

۶ৎ in an attempt to help each other move on from the death of your previous lovers, you and Spencer unknowingly form an unhealthy relationship.

who? spencer x unknown!reader  when? s8 category: angst content warnings: (was suppose to be angst to fluff lol) happy–open–ending (kind of), loss of a significant other, maeve!spencer, heartbreak, therapy-cemetary-funeral-depression-anxiety mentions, friendship breaking, slight dissociation, toxic relationship, i urge you, cara, to reid with care...  word count: 12.1k a/n: i was going to add reader suicide attempt, but i lowkey forgot to look at my notes while writing and well, i don't want to mess with this because i love it too much, so maybe i'll attempt it later lol enjoy cari...

In the shadowed corner of a midnight room, emotions overpowered the scent of a candle burning. You lay across your bed, tear-stricken and zombie-like. The day’s events replayed in your mind, though your thoughts seemed to only care about recalling one scene. One that would no doubt haunt you for the rest of your life. You couldn’t eat or sleep–when you closed your eyes he was there. You didn’t have an ounce of peace.

How was it fair? You kept asking yourself. You couldn’t be thankful for the lives saved because it took his. You tried and said you were, but it wasn’t how you truthfully felt. You flipped onto your side as M—, your friend came into the room. “Hey…” she whispered, hanging on the door, “you okay?”

You bit your lip, though it trembled and your face scrunched up. You didn’t want to cry in front of her. You didn’t want anyone to see you like this, but how were you supposed to say that when you hadn’t said one word to anyone since the news had reached you?

“Okay…” you could hear her frown, “your parents should be here by tomorrow…” she took another breath as if she was going to elaborate, but paused and thought she ought not to. “I’ll be in the living room if you…if you need anything.”

You stared at the wall, clutching the picture frame in your hand tighter–oh you should have hugged him like that this morning! And why the bleeding hell didn’t you? Why? Why? You–you should of–if you had known–your silent screams filled the room–if I had just known, you thought, your body shaking with the pain of understanding he was gone, and there was absolutely nothing you could do to bring him back.

To touch him, to hug him, to breathe him in just one last time–to tell him you loved him. You couldn’t move, once you’d found your bed a few hours ago, your body seemed to deflate. There were so many things you had to do, had to cancel–so many things–just–so many–and oh, your brain hurt. Your head was throbbing and you tried massaging it and oh gosh why did this happen? Why? Why couldn’t you have just had a day like any other? One where he picked up a snack for you on the way to your apartment? One where he made it through the first few hours of work?

Being a firefighter–yes, you knew–was a dangerous job–but you didn’t think it would get him freaking killed–

Your face scrunched together and a new wave of wails escaped your throat and you were shoving your head under a pillow, trying to un-hear the words–trying to reverse time. You weren’t a superhero, but maybe, if you prayed hard enough, one would swoop in and rescue you from the torturous reality that was now your life.

You didn’t care what they looked like or what powers they had, “please, God,” you begged, “please don’t make me go through this again. I can’t–I wouldn’t be able to take it.”

In the other room, M— found herself in a daze. She was trying to do her best for you, but she was grieving in her own way. She’d known your fiancé, L—, she’d grown accustomed to him in the last few months you’d brought him around, he wasn’t perfect, but no one was. He smoked; she didn’t like smoking, but you didn’t mind it and he did his best to hide it from her, so she didn’t mind it too much either.

And now–now L— was gone. She wasn’t a wreck like you, but she felt the weight of everything else. You were her soul sister. Everything you felt she felt tenfold because she didn’t know what to do and she was questioning everything in her right mind. If things like this could happen to you and L—, what was to say it couldn’t happen to her? It was like a slap in the face, a wake-up call. M— could barely function with the information, she couldn’t imagine what you must be going through.

She slept over that night and you awoke to the smell of breakfast. Your stomach rumbled and the scent wafted through the apartment, but your mind wasn’t hungry, and just the idea of eating made you want to throw up. Your lips smacked and you knew you needed water. You forced yourself out of bed and headed for the bathroom.

The curtains were pulled shut in the den, your nose guided you into the kitchen where dim lighting highlighted M—’s figure. “Hey,” she smiled upon seeing you. You noted the bags under her eyes and thought–by the expression on her face–could see similar ones under yours.

You didn’t say anything, you didn’t feel like you had anything of importance to say–so why waste the time? Your stomach gurgled again, but you ignored it and headed for the fridge.

“Look, —, I have some errands to run so I’ll be gone for a few hours…” you pressed your lips into a thin line, unscrewing the lid on the bottle of water. “...will you be okay by yourself? I can call someone,” she jabbed her thumb in her phone's direction on the counter near the microwave. “You know what–yeah, I–I’ll do that.”

“I don’t need a babysitter,” your icy tone and narrowed eyes were not at all how you’d intended to respond, but you couldn’t control it. You felt it best to keep everything to yourself, that way you didn’t say or do things you didn't mean. M— watched you avert your eyes, your hands lowering the bottled water and cap, “...sorry…”

She sighed, her shoulders relaxing a bit, “Don’t be, I know you didn’t mean it like that.” Your lips pressed into the thin line from before as you watched her fix a plate for you and set it on the counter, “I’m going to clean up and head out.” You nodded, and sat down, staring at the plate. You were still in your clothes from yesterday, so perhaps you should get in the shower…you just...didn’t have the energy right now. Later, you thought, I’ll do it.

“Alright, you sure you’ll be alright?” M— frowned at your nod, “Call me if you need anything and please–if not for you, for me, eat.”

Again, you nodded, but it felt forced. Maybe, you told yourself, definitely. 

You put the plate in the fridge and in the fridge is where it stayed the rest of that day.

Spencer sat in Maeve’s blood, he knew there were others around–knew that there should be sound he was hearing right about now–screaming, maybe shrieking?–but every function he’d developed throughout all his years of living seemed to evade him now. All he knew was pain–the throbbing in his head, the pounding in his chest. Someone was trying to pull him away–and just like that anger overtook him. He was aggressive–Spencer was seldom angry–the term was in his brain to be sure, but it was never used to describe him.

Why? Why? He brought his hands to his ears, closing his eyes as if it’d all go away–he just wanted everything to go away–why couldn’t everyone go away? His broken screams drowned out any sense of the world around him as paramedics hauled Maeve off somehwere–not, not Maeve–her b–her body.

Spencer woke up in his work clothes, he was in his bed and the curtains were drawn. He groaned and ran a hand down his face, his heart stopped–before the memories of the day before rushed through his mind, he thought he might have done something stupid–like take Dilaudid again. He shuddered and shot upward.

That’s when it hit him, he gripped the edge of his bed and grabbed a fist full of his hair. He was sweaty, his head ached, and he couldn’t focus his mind on any singular thought; his vision was clouded and verything around him wasg grey.

He didn’t even think of it, he just knew. Maeve was gone. She wasn’t on a beach somewhere in Malibu or on a cruise going around the golf of Mexico, she wasn’t ever going to text or call him back–he would never hear her voice again–never get to hug her–to touch her.

She was there, and then she wasn’t. He felt his entire world come crumbling around him as the actualization of what had happened struck him. Swallowing, he felt a thickness in his throat. He couldn’t remember what happened after Maeve was taken away–he must have blacked out. He slid back under his blankers and pulled them over his head. He felt tear after tear pool in the corners of his eyes, but he didn’t have the energy to wipe them.

He didn’t have the energy to do anything. He closed his eyes, his heart clenching as he saw Maeve, standing, then shot, and on the floor–he forced his eyes open, not wanting to see what happened next. He wanted to give up on sleeping, but he couldn’t move. What could he do? For all he cared he could die right here and now and he wouldn’t think twice about the consequences.

The ringing of his phone cut through the silence that had come over his tiny space under the covers, it was Penelope, he ignored it and turned the screen back off. A knock sounded down the hall of his bedroom, someone was at the front door. He didn’t want to open it, it was probably one of the other team members. A text notification convinced him to click the phone on again. 

It was Penelope, again.

She was leaving a basket for him at the door. He didn’t care and he didn’t feel bad for it. He wasn’t going to answer the door, he wasn’t going to do anything for a while. He just wanted to sit with his–everything. 

And sit did he, for the next week he didn’t leave his apartment, but he didn’t sleep either. He barely ate and when he did, he couldn’t bring himself to clean up. He kept reading the quote she’d left in the book she’d gifted him. He was going to give her the same book, The Narrative of John Smith. It wasn’t mathematical or anticlimactic like the genres he typically preferred, but it was a genre Maeve liked and through her, he’d grown a love for fictional mystery literature. 

Though they’d discussed the book, Spencer had not yet read it, and neither had Maeve, which is why he’d wanted to give it to her upond there first in person meeting. It would have been sentimental and she would have loved it–Spencer just knew she would have.

He cried. He didn’t wail or whimper, he simply cried. Tears streamed down his face for what could have been, and in a desperate need to blame someone he could still sort of speak to, he latched onto one of the most well-known deities across the world.

He cursed God, then he asked God why, and though he was certain there was no one listening, he pleaded with God; he pleaded for another chance.

If there was even a smidgen of a possibility that Spencer could ever be happy again, he’d put his trust in the almighty being, because logic would not help him this time around, he needed to have some other realm of force backing him because this type of pain–this type of pain was something only faith could mend.

A week went by, then two, and Spencer got a call from Morgan. He’d ignored everyone and had let the messages go to voicemail and in turn, build up–until Morgan called with a question–not about him, but about the case they were currently working on, and so, in an attempt to subtlety clue everyone in on the fact that he wasn’t dead, he called back.

Of course, Penelope butted in and asked if he was alright and at this time he didn’t know, he couldn’t decide if he was dying from some internal wound he didn’t know about or if it was simply a ghostly feeling.

“I have to go,” was his response, then he hung up and as he did so, the urge to take a shower overwhelmed him. He felt cleaner, but not better. He’d run out of mugs and he didn’t want to wash a single one. Instead, he threw on a hoodie and a pair of sweats and headed for his door.

He smelled better than he’d gotten used to, though his apartment covered up the fresh smell with one of mildew. He opened his door hesitantly, and a few seconds later he was shoving Penelope’s baskets out of the way, disregarding the thought to haul them inside before leaving. He wanted to get coffee, he had to get coffee, he didn’t know why, but this was the strongest urge to do something he’d felt in a while. It was both calming and tiring, he wanted to go back inside, but he was stubborn and determined. He wanted to prove something, maybe to the team, maybe to himself. He felt if he did this, this one thing, he’d be able to do anything and everything again. He’d regain control over himself.

So, Spencer stepped into the elevator, listing off what he wanted in his coffee order as each minute ticked by.

You were given time off, but it seemed like all the time in the world wouldn’t be enough to accept what you had to. Getting up and moving wasn’t the hardest part, it was the acting–acting like you weren’t still in a war with yourself, fighting for every second you didn’t break down, taking it day by day. 

Your black mary jane’s clicked on the sidewalk as you rushed toward your regular coffee shop, you were already running late to your appointment, but if you didn’t have this coffee, you didn’t know if you coud get through the day. You’d begun doing your makeup again upon your mother’s pestering and M—’s nagging. You wondered if L— could see you, what would he say if he could? Would he judge you for the coffin you were about to pick out? For being late to such a significant meeting for a single cup of coffee?

No, no he wasn’t like that. He had never been like that…

A shuddering breath escaped you as you blinked back tears. You hadn’t been able to go one day without crying and though you barely slept–each time you did you cried yourself to the brink of splitting your head open before the dratted dreams came. 

It was always him, always that morning–always ‘what could have been’ if you’d only made him late that morning. Had something gone wrong with your toaster or coffee pot. Had you kissed him just a bit longer so that he wasn’t on duty when his station got that call–so that he wouldn’t lose himself in the fire trying to make sure everyone else got out.

His face was always blurred, you thought it was due to your grief and the fact that your mind simply could not put you through that for fear of altering your brain permanently. That was just your guess, though.

The sound of your steps dislocated every other sound on the street. It was around eight, the meeting started at eight thirty, you had less than 20 minutes to order, pay, and get to your destination on time. “Oh,” your shoulder collided with a strangers. “I–I’m so sorry,” your voice cracked and you had to take a moment to control it before turning to meet the other’s gaze. “I really–” you cut yourself off, noting the dead gleam in his eyes.

It was like he wasn’t there at all, like he was over the day or the world, or both. It had only been for a second, then he was blinking and apologizing, trying to assess the situation.

“I–I am so sorry,” you repeated, reaching out, wiping his brown sweater vest–now drenched in coffee–off, like it’d do something.

“It’s alright, you’re just spreading it.” He stepped back and held up a hand.

You nodded, pulling your hand back, frowning at the mess and inconvenience you’d cause this poor man, “I truly am sorry, I–is it expensive? I’ll buy you–” you paused, with the cost of the every cancelation fee from vendors, the wedding planner, the makeup artist, the venue, and the funeral that you now had to plan, you had to start considering your budget.

“It’s fine, don’t cry,” he shifted, looking uncomfortable. You gasped, though it was low and not worth commenting on.

Swiping at the tears streaking down your cheek, you whispered, “sorry, I tell myself I’m not going to cry and then I just–” you shook your head, you were mostly talking to yourself, but you heard how odd it might have sounded to him.

He uncrossed his satchel and shrugged the sweater vest off with one arm. “It’ll be fine if I take it to the dry cleaners,” you cringed–so it was expensive–dry-cleaner expensive.

“Let me buy you another coffee, I can at least do that,” you figited with your sleeves, the man noticed.

His eyes tracked up to yours, searching your person, but for what you couldn’t say, maybe he saw in you what you saw in him, maybe that’s why he agreed, maybe you were just trying to make yourself feel better, pretending you weren’t the only person in the world grasping onto every shred of anything that made you feel some semblance of sane.

He was quiet, you shared no diologue after your offer. He nodded and followed you inside. You weren’t nervous, you didn’t know why you thought you should be. You figited with your sleeves as you stood in line. You ordered first and waited for him. His order wasn’t one you’d expect from someone who looked like him–or rather dressed like him. You expected pure black espresso, maybe a few dashes of sugar, certainly not a latte with extra sugar. You shook your head, filing the thought away. 

You swiped your card and followed Spencer, taking up a small barstool table with two seats in the corner of the shop. You crossed your arms, folding in on yourself as if you were trying to become as small as possible. Spencer noticed this too, but couldn’t find it in himself to really care, though as he thought this, he was already trying to determine is you had anxiety or if you were just having a bad day.

He cursed the profiler in his brain, wishing it’d listent to him just once. You figited, but he discarded anxiety upon recalling your brash reaction to spilling coffee over him, so then it must be something else, he thought, frustrated that he’d gone down a rabbit hole and now he had to know the source of your agiation. Even still, he didn’t want to ask you: a) he didn’t want to be rude, b) he didn’t care enough to ask, and c) it’d be too easy.

It’s something, at least for the time being, he considered, to take my mind off of everything else going wrong in my life. The barista called your name and you stood. Damn, Spencer faultered, what now? He couldn’t let you go without knowing, it’d bug him too much, though a part of him wanted it to bug him. It’d be considerably easier to fall asleep thinking about what was wrong with the stranger he’d met at the coffee shop than about anything to do with Maeve. He could barely get through saying her name and still–every time he thought it, bile built in the back of his throat and anger coursed through him–then right after, he’d want to crawl into a ball and waste away.

“What happened?” He cursed himself, why would he just outright ask you that? Why couldn’t he act normal?

“What?” You raised a brow, handing him his sickeningly sweet beverage.

He took it from you, shaking his head, “no–nothing, nevermind.”

You frowned, averting your eyes to the floor, the bustle of the shop turning tranquil, “if I tell you you have to tell me.”

“Huh?” He heard himself say before thinking. His eyes widened slightly as he thought of an answer, though it wasn’t long before he said, “Okay.”

But you couldn’t sit with him now, you had somewhere to be, just as he did. You parted ways after you’d exchanged numbers. “I’m Spencer…by the way…”

You acknowledged it but found it strange, he didn’t look like a ‘Spencer’, then he held out his hand for an awkward handshake and you nodded, yeah, that’s something a Spencer would do. “—,” you hesitated only an instant before allowing his hand to tangle into yours. They were warm–his hands–despite the weather, and you thought he smelled nice. Like applecrisps…

…

It wasn’t that Spencer was looking forward to his meeting with you, but it allowed some normality to enter his life again. He’d met you two days after he’d gone back to work, three days of powering through, and just when he thought he might not be cut out for working in the BAU anymore, just when he’d felt all was lost, you spilled his coffee all over him. His own coffee on top of that.

He’d been looking at different job listings when he’d bumped into you, so it was not entirely your fault. “What’s up, Pretty Boy?” Morgan approached his desk, pushing some things aside to sit atop it.

“What do you mean what’s up–nothing’s up.” Spencer’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

Morgan sighed, “Fine, I won’t push, but I’m here if you need me, you know that, kid.”

Spencer rolled his eyes, pushing Morgan off his desk and reorganizing his things, “While I appreciate the ten-hundredth notice and gesture, I don’t appreciate being called ‘kid’.”

Morgan huffed and uncrossed his arms, “Whatever you say,” he began walking away, but turned his head back and murmured, “kid.” 

Morgan noted a small smile dawning on Spencer’s face while he simultaneously shook his head.

The ceremony was tough, you and L—’s parents decided on a closed casket because of the burn marks. He didn’t even look like your L— anymore and seeing him–even with heavy amounts of makeup–would break you, and you’d been getting better–well, you were opening up in therapy now, and instead of starting out the window, fidgeting with your sleeves and pushing your hair out of your face, you occasionally glanced around the room–it was dull but homey in its own right.

You hadn’t mentioned Coffee Guy to anyone, though it was partially because you doubted he’d even text you, and you weren’t obsessing over texting him either. It might have just been a curiosity thing, you didn’t want to think about it much–thinking still hurt your head.

You were taking aspirin at least three times a day–ibuprofen if you were having an extra awful day. You had just grabbed the bottle of pills from the bathroom and walked to the kitchen when your phone pinged. You sighed and glanced at your phone. It was Spencer.

You set the bottle down and took up residence in one of the stools at the bar table. You read over the text a few times before remembering you had to reply. Yeah that works for me, see you then. You sent the message, your chest aching with a nostalgia, this would be the first time you went out alone, or at least with someone who hadn’t known you before L—’s death–someone who instead of babysitting would be living with you. Well, if you could consider grabbing coffee ‘living’. But it was more than you’d had in the past month.

He wouldn’t give you sympathetic eyes because he had no idea he was supposed to; because you wouldn’t tell him, but then you’d recalled the question you’d asked him, the agreement you’d made, and your heart sank. 

For a moment, you mind wandered to thoughts of why he’d looked so angry that day–no it wasn’t anger. It was like…helplessness. That was the only way you knew how to describe it. But why? You asked yourself, a pang–sharp and squeezing–shot through your head. You huffed and dropped your phone onto the couture, gripping your temples, debating on what to say or do should he follow through with the promise.

You rubbed circles into the sides of your forehead until you felt you could let go, and soon after, you swallowed a pill.

Three days passed, it was Saturday, the day in which you were meeting Spencer. You didn’t know why you kept it a secret still, but you did, and heading out alone took a bit of convincing. “I’ll be an hour tops–I’m fine,” you huffed, crossing your arms when you saw M— narrow her eyes.

“Are you sure?”

“For the fifth time,” you frowned, holding up a hand, “I. Am. Fine.”

She nodded, running a hand down her face, “Okay, but…text me or respond–I’ll text, okay?”

You took in a breath, “Look, M—, I appreciate you worrying, but if I ever want to live a normal life again, I need to start leaving the house by myself.” You didn’t want to be mean, you knew she meant well, but at the same time–you were not a child and you couldn’t depend on her forever. More than needing to start doing things independently again, you wanted to reclaim being your own person–not one that was overshadowed by the things you’d gone through or the things you’d gotten over. Just–you–you and your persistent actions, you and your obsessive hobbies, you and your favorite things. Talking to new people–to strangers, you thought, might just be the first step toward reaching your goal.

Though the afternoon sun was still out, wind swept past your face as you crossed the street. You bit the inside of your cheek, wincing at the bell that rang, alerting the people inside to your presence. You glanced around, but couldn’t find him.

A few people left just as you decided to take a seat. There were two barista’s but one had moved to the back, now you were left with the quiet ambience of classical jazz and a few fellow customers. You thought about texting him but then shoved the idea away as soon as it popped into your head. You did not want to seem as desperate as you were feeling, so you set your purse down and made yourself as comfortable as you could be in this situation.

A few minutes went by with you scrolling your phone, Spencer had noticed you the moment before you’d opened the door and stepped inside. He’d been waiting for you, but a part of him had doubted you’d show. He didn’t know why he didn’t simply wait a few minutes before leaving, actuallyno, he did. Spencer despised being late, so instead of going agains his personal morals, he’d taken up residence in the very back corner of the coffeehouse at the high table, using a newspaper to cover his face as he cataloged every patron that wasn’t you.

He was just about to stand and call it a day, seemingly have been right about you standing him up, when he noted you. 

Spencer couldn’t pinpoint what exactly had caught his attention first, just the fact that your presence seemed to draw him in was enough. He watched you for a few moments. You were fidgeting with your hands as you often did when you were uncofortable. You were scared he wasn’t going to show, it should’ve been a horrible thought, but Spencer cracked a small smile–which is when his phone pinged with a message.

So wrapped up in his thoughts, that he didn’t pick up on your texting. Just got here, it read. It widened his smile, and so he stood and made his way toward you, dumping the newspaper on the table. “Hey, sorry to keep you waiting.”

Your breath caught and your eyes widened, if he didn't know any better he’d think you saw a ghost or something of the sort–maybe a poltergeist? He shook his head, “Don’t be, I got here a few moments ago.” He nodded, accepting the obvious lie–but who was he to talk? He’d hid behind a newspaper in a corner because he was afraid you weren't going to show. He’d gotten here before you. How lame is that?

“Have you ordered yet?” He switched the conversation, disregarding his satchel on the chair across from you.

“No, I was waiting for you.”

“Well, did you want something? It’s on me–since you bought last time.”

“Yeah, but last time I spilled your coffee, so it wouldn’t be fair would it?” He raised a brow at your sudden confidence and cracked a smile.

“I suppose not, but I wouldn’t mind.”

You hesitated a moment, then nodded, “Okay,” you weren’t as stupid as to turn down free coffee a second time. 

Spencer stood and headed for the counter, the barista that had gone off to the back now returned, you followed him, your movements slow and careful. You mumbled your order, neglecting to hold back on your extra ristretto shot, and instead came forward with your entire order. Spencer didn’t say anything to stop you, but perhaps he was just being nice. 

Upon sitting back down, Spencer took to gazing out the window. You registered the way the grayed sunlight outlined his features, defining his side profile. The side that wasn’t hidden in white, you analyzed. His eyebags had depleted a little since the first you saw him, you wondered if yours had as well. Almost unconsciously, you lifted a hand to the bridged of your nose and traced it down to the corner of your eye. 

Spencer glanced at you, shifting so that he was leaning on his arms that were splayed out in front of him. “What’s your favorite type of weather?” You sighed, fiddling with your fingers under the table as you passed over the question in your head, “you seem like a gloomy person.”

You raised a brow, “is that projection?”

He shrugged, but a smile tugged at the corner of his lips and despite your offended response, your expression micked his. “You don’t really hold back, do you?”

You huffed a laugh, covering your mouth with one of your hands. Spencer watched you, wondering what had you looking the way you did when you’d first met him; wondering why–despite the casual visage–your eyes had rivaled his in hopelessness. “So, do you?”

“Do I what?” You calmed your racing heart.

His face scrunched together a moment, but his smile didn’t falter, “do you like gloomy weather?”

A heavy sigh left your throat and you turned to watch the wind pick up outside again, tugging everything south. Your eyes landed on a church bell in the near distance, you drafted it in your head, “As of lately, that seems to be the case.” He wanted to comment on it, to ask what you meant by it, but you spoke first, “and you? Do you prefer gloomy weather, you sure look like you do.”

He scoffed, his eyes twinkling with something both sad and lovely, “Yes, I’ve always preferred Autumn.”

“Any specific reason?” You titled your head, trying to find any topic to latch onto so that the conversation didn’t go dry.

“Not really,” he shrugged, “I mean, I love Halloween, but that’s about it.”

“Really? Nothing else?”

“Well,” he started–but was distracted by the bell that rang. The barista called his name and he pushed his chair back. You were in the middle of standing when he turned around and held out a hand, “don’t worry, I got it.” You wavered only a second before sitting back down. 

Alone with your mind–the atmosphere drowning out every other insignificant noise–you took a breath. You were doing this, you told yourself you could–and you didn’t know him all that well yet, but you had a feeling Spencer–the Coffee Shop Guy had entered your life for a reason, whether it was to stray your mind from the pain of losing L— or to help bring him to the forefront of your mind, you weren’t sure. But he was nice and he didn’t ask even though you’d seen the question in his eyes. You wondered if you small prayer had been answered, perhaps he wouldn’t ask at all, perhaps, you could live in a world with him where neither of you spoke of the things that pained you. 

You could ask him, as he’d stated earlier, you were bold,  but wouldn’t that be childish? Though, for some reason, you had the idea that Spencer wouldn’t really mind it. 

As he approached the table again, setting your cup down in front of you before taking up his seat again, you wondered if maybe he wasn’t asking because he didn’t want you to ask, because you didn’t need to, because he didn’t want to talk about his demons either–and with that, you thought maybe you were more alike than first glance would have left you to believe. 

It was almost like a new agreement had been made, voiceless and silent, but as loud as the speed of rivers–and as your quiet afternoon coffee dates increased–begining with one every other week to one every Saturday–so did your need to be near each other. 

It was a safe place, one you both kept from your normal life. When you were together it felt like you were in your own little universe. One where L— didn’t exist and spencer had never met Maeve. You weren’t dating, but you weren’t not intimate. I was better than dating. Dating required labling and labling ensured one person if not both would eventually get hurt–physically or mentally, or both. What you had now, it was more of a fantasy. 

One in which you could both pretend things were alright in the world even if you both felt like you were at the edge it. Where one was sumberging, the other was sinking–but both were pulling each other to the bottom, drowning one another in falsehood.

A month had disappeared right before your eyes, your casual, Saturday coffee dates had turned into texting each other good mornings and goodnights, and then the texting in the middle of the day started when you’d sent him a message, it was small, a simple good luck today!

But he’d replied within seconds, thanks, you too :). 

Something was wrong, you could feel yourself straying. You hadn’t mentioned Spencer to anyone, for all they knew: you stayed home Saturdays. You were sure Spencer had kept you a secret from his everyday life as well–and though neither of you spoke much about your personal lives, it didn’t harm your relationship in the slightest. It was the fear–you were sure–that speaking about something the other wasn’t a part of would break the illusion you’d created together, so you kept away from the topic, pretending like you knew what was going on while most of the time you had less than when either of you clocked in.

You could feel the logical part of your brain telling you what you were doing wasn’t normal, but you thought if you could just keep them separate–it wouldn’t hurt anyone. You’d grown attached to Spencer, you wanted to keep him all to yourself, he was your secret and yours alone. You didn’t want to hear about the people who got to see him every day, the people who got to interact with him at work or when he went home–you didn’t want to know just how much you were sharing.

It was small things at first, like forgetting you’d made plans with M— or work friends, canceling on them last minute in favor of staying home and texting Spencer. The first time he’d called you it was late, around 3 am because he couldn’t sleep–he’d said–and upon seeing his name slide across your phone for the first time as a call, you found you weren’t that tired anymore either.

Your room was dark, almost two months had gone by, you’d stopped keeping track of the days, honestly, only aware of it for events at work, but barely. M— still came around sometimes, checking up on how you were doing, but you’d stopped replying to her messages so much that they’d built up, and when you did respond, it was, thanks, I’m fine, and then you were dead for a few days more until she heard back from you again or came knocking on your door without warning.

The few times she’d stopped by unannounced, it hadn’t been too bad, but on two specific occasions, you’d let a few choice words slip up. She was worried about you, she’d told your parents–and they had called you to make sure you were alright, asking if you’d wanted them to come back down–of course you said no, why would you? You were an adult, you were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself.

You were going to therapy and you hadn’t called into work once since you’d been back. And besides all that, you had Spencer. It wasn’t like you were alone–even when you physically were, Spencer was a simple text away, and he always responded within the first few minutes.

“Are you there?” Spencer pulled you from your thoughts.

“Yeah,” you smiled into the phone, switching your bedside lamp on,  you shifted your body upward and pulled your knees to your chest as you leaned against your bed’s headboard. “Yeah, Spencer, I’m here, what’s going on?” You were giddy with feeling, you had never spoken over the phone with him–this was new territory altogether. You were terrified of the excitement it enlisted within you.

“I–I can’t sleep.” He huffed, his voice groggy with yearning.

You frowned, “are you an insomniac?”

A low chuckle came from the other side of the line, “blunt as always.”

“It’s my best quality,” you chirped, your voice croaky as you fought the urge to yawn.

“Did I wake you up?–I woke you up didn’t I–I’m sorry–I’ll–”

“Don’t,” you shook your hand, though you knew he couldn’t see it, and rubbed your eyes, giving into the yawn, “I’m always here, Spencer.”

“Yeah, but… we don’t…do this,” by this, he could mean a million different things. You didn’t call; you didn’t call at night–certainly not this late; you didn’t wake each other from slumber; you didn’t say things like you were saying now; you didn’t talk about your struggles or issues; you just–you talked about the good things. It was like catfishing in real life, only you were catfishing your lives and you both had been completely aware of it from the beginning.

But maybe you could.

Maybe…, “it–it’s fine…” you spoke softly, attempting to sound casual, but your voice wavered slightly as if you had no idea what you were doing, and maybe you didn’t–but maybe…

Spencer caught your hesitation–and he should have cared–he should have changed his mind, he should have hung up right there. But he didn’. And now here he was, spilling his guts to his…whatever you were.

He didn’t know if he could call you a friend, he didn’t know if what you were could even be considered friendliness–it was more or less a mutual…a mutual bonding? He didn’t know, when you were together it felt like you were more–like you could be more–but then there was Maeve in the back of his head, and he knew–he knew you had your own affairs.

He kept Mave to himself, but he divulged everything else. He was giving his most personal self away and he wouldn’t know if it was a mistake until after he did it. It was a chance he was willing to take because–well…what the hell else was there left? Maeve was gone and he was okay with pretending he was fine with it, that he was fine with moving on, but he couldn’t lie to himself. She took up every corner of his mind, he still carried her damn book with him. He knew it was an issue–his therapist had recommended shelving the literary work–but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t shelve her away like a book he’d never read again.

“I’m fine.” The shattering of a plate sounded throughout your kitchen. M— flinched, “I–” you huffed, averting your eyes.

“You’re sorry, I know,” M— narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms. “Look(—what is going on with you? I know–” she held up a hand, “you keep saying nothing, but it sure as hell doesn’t seem like nothing.”

“Yeah, well that’s not really any of your business, is it?” you scowled, grabbing the broom to sweep up the mess you’d made.

“Here,” M— sighed, seeping forward and holding out her arm, “let me do that.”

You stared at her for a long second, assessing her. She jerked her hand, motioning for the broom. You rolled your eyes and placed it in her open palm.

“All I’m saying,” she began, her voice softer this time, “is that I miss you…I know L— misses you too.”

“L— is dead.” Your voice sliced through the tension like an avalanche coming down after waiting dormant for years.

“—…” M— mumbled, tilting the dustpan into a bag. When she finished she connected the pan to the pole and set it against your mop. She leaned on the counter near where you were, corning you in your own kitchen, “You haven’t visited his grave since the funeral… Not once.”

You turned away, unable to hold her stare any longer. Tears pooled in your eyes as you let the words slip from your throat, “I’m not ready.”

“Oh sweety…” she came up around you and pulled your hands before her, “I…I don’t think you’ll ever be ready. But I’m here, L—’s parents are here if you want I can call your mom, your father?”

You shook your head, “no–I–” you resolved, “I’m fine.” You met her gaze, “I swear it.”

She frowned, you could tell she didn’t believe you, but you couldn’t find it in you to tell her the truth–you couldn’t even admit to the truth yourself because, in all honesty, you didn’t know what the truth was. You knew Spencer had something to do with it, but you were ignorant of just how big of an impact he had.

“You’re still planning to move out, right? I can help you start looking at listings again.” You cringed and tried not to roll your eyes as you braced your arms against the counter near the stove.

“I… I don’t know just yet.”

“You don’t know?” M— almost scoffed, turning away, “See, this is what I’m talking about–you were so set on moving two months ago–what–what happened?”

You shrugged, trying to deflect from her piercing gaze, “I–I just haven’t had time.”

“Haven’t had time?” M— shook her head, distaste curling on her lip, “—, you’re a bad liar, you always have been.” She sighed, running a hand over their face, “I… I know you might be coping in your way, but I don’t think it’d be healthy to–

“–Oh and suddenly you’re an expert on everything now?”

M— paused, taking a step back, “Are you being serious right now?” Your face contorted into a sneer, leading to M— nodding, “Alright, well maybe I should just leave…” You kept quiet and your head down as she began walking away. She hesitated, you saw her jerk her movements a split second before making up her mind and continuing toward the front door.

Your heart was breaking in your chest as you heard her feet shuffle away from you. When was the last time you’d fought like this? When was the last time you shoved each other away? But it wasn’t really her fault, was it? You were to blame for this–this was your doing–your responsibility. And why were you in this situation in the first place? Why couldn’t you run to her, let her pull you in her arms, and week on her shoulder?

You knew the answer, but you didn’t know why the answer was what it was. You didn’t want to voice it either–you wanted to indulge in being with him, you wanted to indulge in continuing your relationship for better or for worse, you didn’t care. But it was for worse, and you knew this and upon the few conversations over the phone you had with him in the days passing, you knew he knew it too–and eventually, you began calling out of work, you began to hide away from the world, obsessed with one thing and only one thing: Spencer.

Spencer was there and then he wasn’t. He faded in and out of consciousness during the day, he’d barely be any help to the cases at present. To him, it seemed like he had no reason to be at work, and just like that, the progress he had made the past two months caught the first train to regression. 

Morgan and Blake were there, Penelope too–checking up on him regularly, but he couldn’t very well tell them what was going on–what he was feeling because they’d think he’d gone crazy. But maybe he had always been crazy–he’d never thought too long about it, but what if he was a psychopath? Just one with controlled impulses? Though he never had thoughts of gutting anyone or how their head would look like on a stick–he now had this obsession–one like none he’d ever dealt with. It was almost compulsive with how he checked his phone every few seconds, ensuring he hadn’t missed a message from you.

His heart ached when he found you hadn’t, but when you did–oh that was a rush he could not explain. He didn’t feel like he should have to, either. You just got him–he ignored Maeve’s gaze on him. She was with him more often now, she wouldn’t leave him alone, it was torture worse than he’d ever been through–worse than death–worse than Tobias. 

His brain couldn’t process that Maeve was a ghost, that what he was seeing wasn’t real because she was in the back of his mind–all. The. Time. He couldn’t tell what was rality and what was fiction–not with you, not with Maeve. He didn’t know how he put you in the same league as her, deep down he knew no one could ever even hope to compare.

But you–there was something–something about you even his brain couldn’t explain.

“Look, Spencer, you know you can come to any9 of us if you ever need to,” Spencer avoided Hotch’s gaze, tapping his fingers on the table before him.

“Yeah, I know.”

Hotch eyed his pupil silently for a moment, lips pressed into a thin line as he tried to assess the situation. Eventually, the man sighed and folded his hands, “Alright, as long as you know that.” Spencer nodded and stood, taking Hotch’s words as a cue to leave, “Hey, Reid–”

Spencer paused and turned around, eyes finding Hotch’s with hesitation, “yeah?”

Hotch sighed and it sounded fatigued, though Spencer couldn’t deduce if it was from staying late at the office most nights or all the stress that had been plaguing Spence–that he now brought down on the team. Not on purpose, never on purpose, but he didn’t know how to stop it.

“Nothing, go home, get some rest, take the day off, maybe.”

Spencer thought to protest, but then he thought he’d have more time to text you, to call you, and maybe if you weren’t busy you could spend the day together. Most nights he stayed awake, texting, calling you. A few of the team members had caught him smiling at his phone when he was on it and his face morphing into angst and annoyance at the world when he wasn’t.

Whatever it was–whoever it was: it wasn’t healthy. And Spencer knew that. You knew that. But neither of you wanted to admit it–not yet at least.

Spencer had told you to meet him in five minutes outside of your apartment, he’d planned a day away from everything, though as he’d come to learn, he’d been doing that for a while. He knew you had been the victim of it as well, whoever you had lost, you’d loved with your whole heart, whoever he was competing with, he could never measure up, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to be alone but he didn’t want to be at work, he didn’t want to think, and in that sense, he’d grown lazy. He didn’t care about consequences, all he cared about was you and what you could provide. He didn’t feel guilty about it either, because he knew you thought the same.

You ignored L—’s presence as you flipped over every picture frame he was in, and had began taking down everything in your apartment he’d bought or contributed to, you didn’t want to be reminded of what you had lost when you were gaining something new.

You met him outside in five minutes, just like he’d said to. “Hey,” the bustle on the street went away when you saw him. He was close, but there was always something between you two. It wasn’t a spark like it had been with L—, it wasn’t friendship like you had with M—, but it wasn’t like your coworker’s either. You didn’t know what it was, it felt both tangible and unattainable. It was a shell of a relationship almost, but you were doing it to yourselves. To punish? To force down? To repent?

Maybe it was because you both thought you deserved this kind of love, the half-filled kind. 

Maybe it was the only love you could provide for anyone else because when you loved fully, people died and hurt were the people they left. You couldn’t be too sure, but you didn't like thinking about it much. You hid the thoughts and moral parts of yourself, shouting that this was wrong, what you were doing to yourself, and enabling Spencer to do to himself could be considered abuse. Torment in which you were both willing participants.

 The day waned, you picked up coffee and then you headed to the bookstore downtown. He’d picked out a few psychological and physics novels and you selected a single thriller. He’d snorted at the title when you’d read it to him and said after reading the synopsis on the back, “It’s going to be–” he paused and focussed his eyes again, “Sorry, no spoilers will come from me.”

You frowned, “but you haven’t read this one, how can you tell who the killer is?” When you saw him hesitate you squinted, trying to figure out why he couldn’t answer. “Are you just guessing?” You raised a brow.

He laughed nervously and began rubbing his nape, “Yeah, kind of.” You smiled and clicked your tongue, “seriously? Come on,” you smacked him on the shoulder, pushing him forward when one of the registers opened up and called the next person forward.

“Do you want to call it a day?” You asked as you exited the shop with him on your heels.

“Erm…” he frowned, looked around, his bag in hand, “What about cornetto?” He motioned to the vendor across the street at the child playground.

You chuckled, “Seriously? Spencer, it’s like–the beginning of January?”

“Yeah, so?” he tilted his head, allowing a few strands of his shaggy brown hair to fall into his face. You sighed, biting your lip as you considered.

“Alright, then, come on.” You picked a flavor for each other and upon tasting his choice, you were surprised it wasn’t as bad as you'd expected it to be.

You were quite content, for the most part anyway–a bench caught Spencer’s eyes and he asked to sit, so you sat. You were speaking, merely enjoying the other’s presence. But that sinking feeling in the back of your head began to bubble up again. It’d been happening ever since you and M— had that fight. She hadn’t messaged you and you hadn’t done anything to contact her. It always seemed most present when you were with Spencer. Or when you were texting or thinking about him. He seemed to be at the pinnacle of all your stress and yet, he was the only one that could make it go away.

“Spencer…” you murmured, noting the dying sun in the sky, taking its color with it. The clouds turned gray and you knew it would start raining soon. 

“Yeah?” he threw the last of the cone into his mouth and stood to toss the wrapper in a nearby bin.

You watched him, waiting and wondering what you wanted to say. You closed your eyes because you could not acertain what exactly it was you wanted to say. Upon turning around and finding you with your eyes closed he looked away, and stuffed his hands into his pocket, as if you’d passed your feelings onto him.

“—)”

“–No, Spencer, I need to say it.” You stood, still gripping your cornetto.

“Say what?” He all but squeaked, throwing his hands up, “—, what is it you have to say?”

“You say it like that,” you frowned, taking a step toward him, “but I think what you really mean is, ‘why do you have to say it’”

He averted his eyes, you were right and you both knew it. You took another step forward, but he met it by taking one back. You looked up at him and in a moment of vulnerability, you reached for him. Your heartbeat pulsed as he did just what you expected him to do, he pulled away and turned his back to you.

Your heart was breaking, but not for him. He was shattering you fantasy. Your ‘everything is okay’ world. You had given up practically everything to feel like this all the time and he was shattering it each second he didn’t turn back around.

“Spencer,” you whispered again.

He spun around with a force you had never seen and shouted, “NO —, no–we can’t–we can’t do this. We–we can’t do that.” The question broke the illusion, your day together that hadn’t felt real, felt no less than a slap of reality.

“But why?” Came your plead. 

“Because!” He shouted, “Because–because people die, and when people die, they take every soul with them! I don’t–don’t you get it?” He scoffed, eyes crazed, yours glistening with almost tears, but not quite.

“Be real, Spencer,” you narrowed your eyes, your voice dripping with venom. You looked tired despite the amount of days you’d taken leave from work, “I’m probably the only one that gets it.”

“Then you should know better” he shot back, jabbing a finger in your direction, his eyes coming down on you like a storm, and in this moment, you felt quite like Dorothy.

You nodded, a grim smile quirking up your lips, “wow, Spencer, just wow.”

“—)”

“–Do you really think I give a damn?” You scoffed, facing him for possibly the last time, “Screw you, Spencer.” You launched the rest of your cornetto at his face, watching it hit his cheek and fall to the floor.

He grimaced, and as you walked away, trying to make sense of everything, you felt the bubbled feeling disappear. No, you didn’t love Spencer, but you loved the feeling of being with him, the feeling of being with someone who felt just as you felt. Who could give you just as much as you could give and nothing more.

 You didn’t understand why you could be together and not in this strange limbo you’d been in since meeting.

Now, though, every sound seemed amplified by the loss of your relationship. You decided as you exited the park, watching the clouds move together, the when you got home, you’d call M— and tell her everything you’d kept a secret.

And you were ready to do exactly that when a message from Spencer came through your phone. You hesitated, you’d already changed out of your day clothes and had slid into some pijamas. 

Old habit must die hard, you thought and you clicked the notification. 

Let me come over. Was all it said and cursing yourself, you texted back, okay.

An hour later Spencer was entering your apartment, you weren’t sure why you’d both had the urge to speak to each other in person. Over the phone seemed too…careless you supposed, and well, this wasn’t a careless topic. 

“Do you want something to drink?” You tried to lessen the tension, but he shook his head and answered no.

You sighed and followed him to the couch. You avoided sitting too close to each other, some unknown force separating you from making that mistake. “We need to talk.” Your heart sank, but you knew it was coming. You knew he was right. You’d told yourself the same thing–but you weren’t ready. This was too soon.

“Spencer–”

“No, —, we need to have it out.” His voice was firm and offered no room for protest. A sigh escaped his lips and it was guttural. He was shuddering and you hate how it made you feel better about yourself. You hated how you were grateful this was just as hard for him as it was for you.

“I know…” It was the hardest admission you ever said, you should have been saying ‘I do’, today was your wedding day after all–or at least it would have been had things turned out different. You fought the urge to cry and turned away, “I know.”

He took a breath and swallowed, eyes gleaming over, “—, look at me.” You pressed your lips together and squeezed your eyes, trying to slow the fast pacing of the blood pumping through your veins. Across the dim lighting of your apartment, the TV muted, but on, you met his gaze, and there it was–everything neither of you had ever said out loud was there, it was pain and grievance and ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I love you but I don’t love you like I should’ all wrapped into one.

There was no doubt in your mind that your expression mimicked his, and he traced every line of your testimony, appreciating and accepting it as he accepted his own and allowed you to look into his mind for a few seconds–the last few seconds he had of you. He didn’t want to leave you crying, he didn’t want to remember you like that, and he didn’t want you to remember him in that way–so he smiled. It was sad, but it was warm, and for that, you smiled back.

You only cried once the door shut behind him. And you cried and cried and cried, and when you were done, you deleted his number, hesitating over the button before pressing your eyes together and clicking it–your heart and mind working together to tell you you’d be okay. To tell you that you were always going to be okay, and then you finally cried for Spencer and his mystery lover whom he’d never spoke about, but knew he’d lost. He never had to say her name, she was there in the corner of his eyes. She was there perched on the edge of his desk, when you walked into his home library and ran your fingers along his titles, she was there, a ghost, a whisper, but she was there, L— never seemed to be too far behind.

For what it was worth, you were glad you got to know him, even if it was only half.

The light fading into your living room found its way wrapped around your neck and highlighted your face, creating a certain glow. “You look great,” M— smiled, “but are you sure you’re ready?”

“It’s been a month,” you frowned, “and didn’t you say I’d never ‘be ready’?”

She laughed softly, “Yeah, I think I did say something like that, but seriously, are you sure?”

The apartment was practically empty with boxes straying to and fro, the only thing you still had out was the full-length mirror that sat near your front door, the one in which you spun around in now. “I’m fine, I have to be, right? To move on, or something?”

“Is that what they say in therapy nowadays?”

“Quit acting like my grandmother.” She rolled her eyes but met your smile with one of her own.

“So,” she said as you locked the door behind you, “what did they say?”

You huffed, heading toward your car in the parking lot, “Well, they said that I need to be on my very best behavior, but,” you grinned, showing a bit of teeth, “I am not going to be fired!”

“That’s really great, —, I’m happy for you.”

“Yeah,” you bit your cheek, “me too.”

The cemetery wasn’t lively, though you didn’t expect it to be, there were a few single people, mostly old relatives, likely visiting late lovers, a few younger kids, likely visiting late parents or maybe they were just like you, visiting youtheir would-be husband or wife, going over all the things that could have been.

“There he is,” M— pointed.

“I remember,” you nodded, sure, it was almost five months ago, but you recalled every moment you spent here. You hated this place, it was gloomy and it sucked the color out of everything living. But L— was here and you had to see him, you had to explain that what you had been doing wasn’t on purpose and that you were surely on your way to getting better. You told him you had started to look forward to your therapy sessions again and that you and M— had made up. You were active at work more often now and you called both his and your parents regularly. 

You also wanted to tell him about Spencer, even though he’d entered your life and left it like a blitz snowstorm, it wouldn’t be fair to not include him, it wouldn’t be fair to ignore the relationship you had with him. Not saying anything would be lying.

“Do you want some privacy?” M— asked, looking around.

You nodded, “yeah, please?”

“Okay, I’ll be over there.” She pressed her lips into a thin line, watching as you smiled sadly and nodded. “Just…right over there.” She walked toward the trees that surrounded the yard and leaned against a great oak., pulling out a pack of cigarettes for L—, lighting, but not smoking it–her little tribute to the friend she’d lost.

Spencer got home from work rather late, well–early, if he took into account the time. He was tired, but something kept him awake. His insomnia had decreased somewhat, his dreams of Maeve were ever present, but they’d begun to deescalate. His mind was no longer recounting the affairs of her death nor the circumstances leading up to it. 

He’d become more active at work, his brain working faster than it had on the case he’d just closed than it had in the past few months. He showered, then made his way to the kitchen, thinking to brew some coffee. But his satchel caught his eye, not his satchel in particular, but one of the items hidden within.

He hesitated a moment before making his way toward his couch, where it lay. Upon opening the flap, he found what he knew to be concealed. He didn’t have x-ray vision–though if a thing like that existed in humans, he was sure he would’ve–he knew he hadn’t taken it out yet, and some part of him was ready to–not to move on just yet, but to begin the process of letting go.

He smiled and tugged the book into his arms. He made a decision right then. So, Spencer brewed his pitcher of coffee and headed toward his stationary desk, settling The Narrative of John Smith to the side. He poured the pure brown liquid into a mug, making sure to add ten to eleven sugar cubes and ¼th cups of creamer before mixing..

After taking a sip and apporcing it, he grabbed a coaster right and settled back at his desk.

He took another sip and savored it, placing it back down in exchange for a pen and paper, readying himself to write.

The words came out uncertain at first, but as he figured out what he wanted to say, it became a little simpler. ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘thank you’ he wrote more than a few times and he was sure if he read it back to himself he’d find he’d become illiterate. And he mentioned her. How could he not? She was enough to make him go crazy, the reaction he’d had that day at the park with her–it had meant something. Even if it was anger. Not like the one he’d shown Emily, where he was angry because she was right. It was more than even she had seen; more than his mother.

He referenced the quote by Thomas Merton, her last thought to him before everything went wrong, and responded with a quote he belived fit perfectly.

“It is not violence that best overcomes hate–nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury,” Charlotte Brontë. And so, I leave you, not with hate for abandoning me, nor vengeance for loving my soul. I leave you with tenderness, my once-in-a-lifetime. 

Spencer folded the letter in half after signing it and sealed it within an envelope. He slipped the casing into the front of the book, where her quote resided, and stood, shelving it between his favorite authors, right in the middle, and then Spencer cried. His wails nearly shook the building, a neighbor came by later on that morning to ask if he was alright, and Spencer replied that, yes, he was alright. And he felt alright. Something he hadn’t truthfully felt in a very long time.

Time passed like the hours in a high school day; with each month, you felt better, your head clearer. The month was January and perhaps you shouldn’t have been thinking about it, but you couldn’t help it. You were human after all. 

Merely human.

With hands stuffed into your coat, you pushed through the crowd of people and crossed the street. You weren’t hoping for anything, not even closure. The sky grayed but it made you smile–a year ago it would have made you grimmer. You closed your eyes and sucked in everything you could, the smell of freshly baked goods in a nearby shop, the dozen’s of perfumes from people as they circled you, the noise of everyday society buzzed in your ears, and that familiar jazz singer’s voice strained to hit that familiar note as you stepped into the coffeehouse. 

You thought about ordering first, but you wanted to sit and enjoy it for a minute, something you didn’t have the chance to do when you still lived on this side of town. You tugged out your phone and brushed back a lock of hair behind an ear. 

Scrolling social media for a minute, you smiled when you noticed the case Spencer and his team had just closed. You’d found him on accident when a coworker you often spent your lunches with sent you an article about some serial killer and the man that had brought him to justice–who just happened to be a guest speaker for one of younger brother’s professors.

Spencer Reid, FBI agent. You had laughed at the irony, but you then took to following the cases here and there, happy he was moving on from whatever had pained him so.

You read over the short article, then replied to a few text messages from people you had yet to get back to. When you finished, you rolled your neck from side to side and stretched, pulling a book out of your purse. It was new, a gift from Christmas from L—’s mom. It wasn’t your favorite genre, but it was romance and the beginning was just heartbreaking. You were so enhanced by the words on the page, that you didn’t notice the man sitting in the corner of the shop, using a newspaper to hide his head, though he wasn’t hiding it this time, he was reading it. 

Spencer spotted you the moment before you stepped into the coffee shop, right before you pulled open the door and made the bell at the top jingle. He didn’t try hiding his face, but he tried not to pay too much attention to you.

The year for him had gone by rather quickly compared to the time he’d fought against his addiction. He felt better, a lot better–whereas a year ago he couldn’t imagine where he’d be in a month.

Spencer had found his thoughts drifting toward you this morning, something he hadn’t expected. He thought about you not often, but at times, he’d wonder about you, about where you were, and if you ever thought about him. He’d wonder if you–by chance–ever saw him on TV,  wonder if you ever kept up with him–which was a dumb question, of course, you’d moved on with your life. Why would you care?

But you were here, you were here and he wondered too, if this were a coincidence, or simply the power of an unseen force.

He debated with himself, scared he would make the wrong decision either way he chose. Eventually, he closed his eyes, sucked in a breath, and let it out, a slow, gentle smile replacing the once-before strained expression. He decided and if this decision damned him, then he could ask for forgiveness, but leaving without saying anything, felt like a crime in its own right, apart from that, a part of him missed you.

So, Spencer stood and walked in your direction, setting the newspaper on the table as he’d done a year ago, although this time he folded it neatly, a happy reflection of what his life had become. 

He would have sat down, but he didn’t know if you wanted to see or speak with him, so he ramined standing and awkwardly said, “Hey…” his voice cracking had him clearing his throat right after.

You looked up and for a moment, he was sure you would sneer, but you didn’t, you smiled, and you said, “Hey…” back.

“Mind if I sit?” he motioned for the chair in front of you.

You shut the cover of your book, using the string to save your place and waved a hand,“not at all.”

He took up residence calmly, and upon noting the book, raised an eyebrow and asked, “What are you reading?”

“Jane Eyre, funnily enough,” because a year ago, you wouldn’t have ever thought to tackle something as classic as that.

His eyes widened slightly as his mind reminisced about the end of his letter to Maeve, tucked securely within The Narrative of John Smith. “Really?”

“Yep,” you nodded, running a hand over the cover, “it was a gift from L—’s mother.”

“L—?” He raised a brow, wondering if you were seeing someone now. He was happy for you, but he couldn’t deny the slight sinking of his heart.

“My late finacé,” you smiled brightly.

“Oh…” his chest contracted, your fiancé, your late fiancé–the finacé who was no doubt the reason for your diminishing essence a year ago, when you’d met.

“She said I’d like it, and I do–so far.”

“I kind of feel like Mr. Rochester,” he said abruptly. “Right now… Just a bit.”

You tilted your head, your smile reaching your eyes and it was the most beautiful thing Spencer had ever seen. He didn’t remember you smiling like that. He didn’t recall the sheer happiness of being here, of being alive–of living. “I haven’t gotten that far, so I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.”

He chuckled, “Right, sorry.”

Your heart fluttered at his tone, it wasn’t like the stoic, grim one he used when you used to know him, but maybe this was the real Spencer–the one before he’d lost whomever he had. The question sat at the tip of your tongue, but you couldn’t quite force it out. “Don’t be, I’ll know eventually.”

He smiled and by everything–that smile was one you could get used to. But you didn’t want to get too ahead of yourself, so you simply sighed.

“I am strangely glad to get back again to you: and wherever you are is my home–my only home.” 

You thought. 

Charlotte Brontë.

a/n: 100 post–uhm, gasp?

@darkmatilda @theylovemelody