#like no words literally gagged I will be rewatching that like 10 more times to feel something

[mazojo]

Episode 24 season 6 ending of Love Island USA changed lives

[cantdanceflynn]

Dear Cantdanceflynn

Hi! I just watched the episode your url comes from... cool!

Also, I have a question: Is Rodney in the Deity AU? What's he up to? He's kind of a background character in the show, honestly, even though I think he's interesting enough to have shown up way more than he did.

I also just watched the episode where LOVEMUFFIN crashes that dancing show Candace and Jeremy were on... and I've gotta say, maybe it should've been Can't Dance Jeremy, since apparently he can't dance? But Ferb can. Just call him Can Dance Fletcher.

Anyways, in that episode we get the epic scene where Heinz and Rodney accidentally dance together-I think that's pretty funny, and I wish it were more of a running gag, though it doesn't seem to come up again.

The thought: "I need to rewatch the entirety of Phineas and Ferb three times?? And I'm only half-way through my first re-watch" crossed my mind just a few minutes ago. It sounds odd but I'd imagine it's a common sentiment among fanfic 'rewrites'... so, relatable moment? Let me know.

Thanks, Willow

PS: This is really long and I just noticed that. I added the letter formatting for fun. I hope you found that funny, because I did. Haha! Pretend I mailed you this and you're receiving it at the post office, twelve days later.

PPS: I wrote this entire letter and only just realized I've been doing a 'doofenshmirtz voice' for it in my head the whole time so... that's. Interesting. As opposed to 'teresting', of course... which... Isn't a word. But I'd imagine it would mean boring! Since, 'in' means not, so in-terest would be not-boring. Anyways. Have a lovely day.

OH MY GOD THIS WAS A TREAT TO WAKE UP TO TYSSSSM CSKCSJOJSOCJ I WILL 100% PRETEND THAT THATS AMAZING OH MY GOD

RODNEY IS 100 AND 10% IN THE DEITY AU, TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION. I MEAN, THE MAIN ANTAGONIST OF THIS AU BARELY HAS TWO SPEAKING LINES(WHICH, FUN FACT, NERDY DANCING (THE ONE WITH LOVEMUFFIN CRASHING THE DANCE SHOW), IS THE FIRST EPISODE ALICE APPEARS IN. SHES THE BITCH W BLUE HAIR WHO GOT HIT IN THE FACE BY THE LETTER C FROM THE SIGN LOL), SO THERES NO WAY WE CAN UNDERUTILIZE HIM LOL

HES ALMOST KINDA A SUPPORT FOR ALICE, SINCE A LOT OF PEOPLE IN LOVEMUFFIN ARE WAY MORE WILLING TO DO STUFF LIKE WHAT ALICE TENDS TO SUGGEST THEN DOOF IS, SO HES KINDA THE LEADER OF A SMALLER, NEITHER DOOF NOR ALICE RLY REALIZE IT, INNER CIRCLE THAT ALMOST WORKS FOR ALICE INSTEAD OF FOR DOOF. I DONT RLY KNOW HOW ELSE TO PUT IT HES JUST BEING NORMAL DEVIOUS BUT WITH A SIDE OF "MAN THIS BITCHS IDEAS R LIKE. SCARY. I OWE HER BUT IM NOT SURE WHY" IG

AND OSFJSFOJSGOGSJGSOJSOGJGSLFSJSFOJFSOSFJFOSFJOSFJFSOSVJ TRUE IG I SIMPLY ENJOY CANDACE MORE ON A BASIS OF "GUESS WHO LITERALLY STRAIGHT DYED HER HAIR TO LOOK MORE LIKE CANDACE BC SHE RELATES TO HER *THAT MUCH*, ITS ME!" IG

AND OH YEAH LIKE. IVE REWATCHED THE SHOW A BUNCH ON ITS OWN AS IS, BUT THE DEITY AU HAS BEEN THE BIGGEST FUEL FOR REWATCHING ANYTHING IVE EVER HAD/GEN AND I ALSO HAVE PURE LOVE OF PNF SO

ALSO ABSOLUTELY LOVED LOVED LOVED THIS GENUINELY FEEL FREE TO SEND MORE "LETTERS" LOL

[cloudninetonine]

Cogito, ergo sum

Pairing: Connor (RK800) x fem!reader (Eventually)

Summary: Humanity seems to be at the midst of a dawning of a new age and they’re using fire against fire to stop it. It’s a real shame for you that the fire is kinda cute.

A/N: Hi, so, there is no reason for this except that I was hit with the urge to rewatch D:BH and fell in love with Connor again so I wanted to write out my feelings. If people want more please tell me because I don’t want to write a fic that no one even likes.

Also, notes for future readers. I tend to lean towards a British reader, because I myself am British and find it easier to write like that, I don’t understand America one single bit so you bet your arse there are going to be inaccuracies that will make Americans cringe. Still hope you enjoy it tho.

Warnings: Bad language (That’s it, for now)

Undercut for convience

"What's up fuckers!?"

Connor’s gaze is still focused on Hank’s as the older man’s demeanor shifts, with a small quirk of his lips resembling something similar to a smile and rolling his eyes, he glances towards the entrance of the department and from what the android could see, many others did also, most sharing similar expressions of exasperated amusement while some just looked downright tired.

He’s quick to follow the many stares of his new colleagues, turning in his seat to get a look at the figure who literally seems to roll into the room, a box of donuts within their hands.

Det. (Last) (Name)

DOB: (MM/DD/2002) // Police Det.

Criminal records: N/A

It’s on instinct that he scans you, it’s part of his protocol after all, so he makes sure to scan every part of you, his LED flashing a concentrating yellow as the information falls in.

It stops, however, when he notices one of your arms. He doesn’t miss it, of course he doesn’t, he’s way too clever for that, but he does marvel, because he notices that it’s not human skin that decorates the limb, but synthetic like his own and he finds himself scanning deeper-

"I've downed three cans of Monster Energy and I'm ready to fight God!"

‘What an odd thing to declare’ is what pops into Connor's mind, interrupting his own little investigation in favour of narrowing his eyes quizzically towards your approaching form that has your own eyes focused on his partner sat across from him, an almost sadistic grin plastered on your face.

It is a sadistic one, of course, Hank knows that, you know that, the whole department knows it. You’ve always seemed to show a more malicious glee with him, like a bratty child with their parents, like a moth to a flame. If anything, he expects his day to get about 2x more painful than he needs, as shown with that stupid hunk of metal sitting across from him and he knows you’re going to enjoy every single second of it.

God save his fucking soul.

You stop just a few inches away from Hank's desk with a smile almost blinding bright, kicking in your heelys like you had done millions of times previously before bowing towards the older man, box held out towards him.

"Donut, my liege?"

He easily picks out his favourite, a famous Homer donut decorated with pink icing and multi-colour sprinkles, quitely grunting out "Thanks" as he bites down onto the treat, turning back to the computer screen.

But maybe, just maybe, your focus will be shifted today.

"But of course" Then, turning towards Connor, still bowed at the hip, you speak again "And one for you, my good sir?"

It took Connor a moment to realise, despite it being quite obvious, that you’re talking to him and his LED flashes a vibrant red when he finally opens his mouth to speak, politeness lacing his tone.

"Thank you, but I don't need to eat"

The phrase stumps you, because, well, why wouldn't someone not need to eat, so you raise your head "What-"

And you get your answer.

And Hank gets his relief for the moment.

It takes what Connor counted was a single second for your face to change from confusion to utter delight, a gasp followed by cry of what he decided was excitement at the sight of him, dropping the donut box altogether and resulting in Hank cussing up a storm when they nearly came tumbling out onto his desk.

"(Name), be careful, for fucks sake!"

But you’re not listening, no, why would you be listening to the old geezer? Instead, your hands are tightly grasping the sides of the android's face, tugging his head gently in different directions as to study him, your eyes bright with a spark of joy.

It was odd, no one had ever looked at him like that.

Software instability.

"Jesus Christ, woman, stop being fucking weird" Hank mutters off with a growl, watching the scene with an obvious look of irritation, "Just an android, we see 'em every fucking day"

"But a new model!" You cry, words were aimed towards Connor more than anything as you finally pulled away, although, quickly you raced to the desk opposite to him, rolling over a desk chair- your desk chair and collapsing onto it with a smile, resting your head in your hands, memorised. "I've never seen your handsome face before, stranger"

Hank physically gags.

"Hello, detective" Connor parrots his line, his phrase and of course slips in your rank because he had obviously been scanning you since you appeared in his line of vision. He already knows a majority about you and you don't even know his name, nevermind model.

It's just so amazing.

"My name is Connor. I am the android sent by Cyberlife." You're pretty sure the smile he gives you is akin to a murderer more than a friend "It's nice to meet you, officially"

Your hand comes up, pinching the synthetic skin of his cheek.

What a puppy, such an adorable boy, he looks so confused, eyes focused on the fingers keeping his fake skin hostage while you coo at him unprofessionally, Hank close to grabbing the gun from his jacket and shooting you right where you sat.

"You are just adorable, Connor"

After a moment, Connor finally reacts, hand reaching up to grasp yours and pull it away gently "Thank you, detective"

"Please, you can just call me (Name)" The smirk slides on easy, as does the wink you send him "Hope you don't mind if I call you handsome, do you?"

If Connor had learned anything about you from these first few minutes, it's that he doesn't truly understand you at all. You're flamboyant, that much is obvious, but your flamboyance leaves nothing but a screen blocking what you're really like, leaving Connor stumped on what you might do next.

That's what he concludes when instead of answering, or staying silent, he stumbles over his words and watches when you laugh, leaning over to grab a donut from the box.

What an interesting character you are.

Interesting indeed.

“(Name)!” At the sound of Fowler’s voice, you turn with a still ever-so-friendly grin and a call of ‘Boss!’, jumping from you seat. Crumbs of donut fall from your mouth and you swallow, only to hack up a storm straight after.

Fowler scowls “My office, now”

You throw the duo a wink before skipping over to the captain’s office.

“Don’t mind her” Hank finally speaks and it grabs Connor’s attention, the android shifting his gaze from your form to his partner’s, the old man reaching for another donut. “She’s nuts”

“She seems....” His database searches for the word “pleasant”

“If you think that you must be fucking broken, stupid android”

It’s only after 10 minutes you return, a grin so wide Hank’s near damn sure it’s going to split your face into two while Connor tilts his head, like a puppy, an oh so cute puppy.

“Guess who’s partnership just became a trio?”

“....Mother fucker-”

[forestwater87]

Every episode of Camp Camp ranked: A very (non)objective list

It's well past the time of year when Season 5 of Camp Camp would've dropped. I fully understand and support it not coming out; the crew's health and safety are much more important than a comfort show.

However . . . man, would it be nice to have some comfort right now.

So I'm reliving the entire series! I've been known to share with the world a whole bunch of Spicy Hot Takes, but I've never really sat down and talked about my feelings about the show as a whole. 

And what's the best way to do that? Well, just ask Jenny Nicholson: a numbered list! That is, here's the series ranked from worst episode to best, because I want to get the negativity out of the way early and focus on everything I love (and because people enjoy complaining, so let’s frontload all that). 

The takes will be hot. The feelings will be intense. The post, I'm assuming, will be largely unread.

Let's do it!

Oh and duh, there are spoilers. I tried to keep it pretty chill, but you’ll want to have watched the whole show or just not care about spoilers before going forward.

Also slashes in the middle of “naughty words” are meant to prevent this from being kept out of the main tags. Who knows if it’ll work? I don’t.

60. Who Peed the Lake? (Season 4, epis/sode 3)

Ah, good ol' Pi/ss Lake (or as @hopefullypessimistic84​ calls it because she's funnier than any of us will ever be, “Pis/s Fe/tish Dot Com”). Terrible, one of the few I’d consider nigh unwatchable. I actually kind of love this episode for being such great shorthand for "the absolute worst one."

Who signed off on an entire episode centered around Sherlock Holmes meets a bad om/o joke? Give me names and addresses: I just want to talk.

59. Reigny Day (Season 1, episode 6)

And nobody was surprised.

I'll admit I'm more willing to defend this episode than many people, but it's not . . . like, good. It seemed okay when there were only 11 other episodes to compare it to, but now that there have been so many bangers, this comes across as extremely weak. 

And let’s just say the Na/zi jokes hit a lot differently in 2020 than they did in the summer of 2016.

I’m overall happy with the direction the showrunners have moved Dolph’s character in, and I can’t totally blame them for using a kind of humor that was fairly common in the pre-Trump era, but yikes, this has aged like milk. And it wasn’t even very funny at the time, so it aged like milk that was already pretty bad to begin with.

58. Squirrel Camp (Season 4, episode 10)

This is a dumb one.

Not much else to say; it’s just kinda stupid and lame.

57. Fashion Victims (Season 4, episode 13)

I love Sasha, but this is filler. Which isn’t in itself a bad thing -- I have a couple episodes near the top that could reasonably be called filler, and a valid argument could easily be made that “filler episodes” don’t actually exist in a show with no plot -- but as much as I adore the Flower Scouts and enjoy the handful of good moments we get in this episode . . . who cares? Does anyone really give a sh/it about anything that happens here? Does anyone get their life from this one?

I didn’t think so.

56. Foreign Exchange Campers (Season 3, episode 3)

I know, I know, your Russian waifu came from this episode. Why do you think it’s so low on this list?

Okay, for real: this is . . . fine. It’s fine. It’s fine? I’m not mad at it, it just feels tonally incongruous and not very memorable beyond the fact that the fandom got really weird and kinda gross about Vera. But the episode itself? There’s some cute stuff with Neil and Nikki being jealous, but for the most part it’s a big hunk of white bread with some super mild white cheese that’s kinda soggy from sitting in a bag for too long and getting all condensation-y. 

That is to say: it’s fine.

ETA: Space Kid does say “fu/ck.” I can’t decide if that’s a point in the episode’s favor or against it.

This is the last of what I’d call the “bad” episodes. Everything after this ranges from mediocre to mind-blowingly amazing. But whatever our failing tier of Camp Camp episodes is, it stops right about here. 

Onto the good stuff!

55. Night of the Living Ill (Season 2 Halloween episode)

I keep switching this with “Eggs Benefits,” which probably means they should be tied. But whatever, this is my list and I am in charge and I’ve finally decided, after like 5 changes, that I like this one a little bit less.

It’s a fun Romero parody with nothing I’d call bad. Really this one’s only so low on the list because I think it’s kinda icky, and looking at those green snotty faces makes me queasy. If you think this is a bad reason to put it near the bottom of the list, then make your own post.

54. Cameron Campbell Can't Handle the Truth Serum (Season 4, episode 11)

I . . . don’t remember this at all. I initially had it a bit higher because I tend to love things with Campbell in them, but then I realized that nothing about this episode stuck in my brain even a little bit. 

Oh, this is the “Dolph has autism” episode that made everyone either extremely happy or really mad? Okay. I guess that’s the most remarkable thing about it. Neato.

Cam, I love you, but this was just not the best use of your sleazy charm.

53. Eggs Benefits (Season 2, episode 9)

This is one of those episodes with enough cute moments and good ideas to save it from being totally unmemorable, and I mostly enjoy rewatching. Platypus being a mom is a fabulous idea, and pairing the campers the way they did was mostly really interesting and fun.

The Preston-Nurf stuff takes it down several pretty significant notches, though. It’s what the kids would call problematic, and while I normally enjoy how the show doesn’t skew away from darker themes and jokes, it didn’t really fit either of their characters and just . . . isn’t fun to watch. It’s not especially funny, it’s not especially tragic, it’s just uncomfortable.

52. Camp Campbell Wants YOU! (Season 1, episode 0)

Honestly, this would be a lot higher if it was a full-length episode. It’s funny.

The next 5 or so episodes fall under the “cute but not very memorable” umbrella:

51. Nikki's Last Day on Earth (Season 3, episode 4)

I love the ensemble episodes, so this was always going to score higher than any of the single-character “meh” eps. I didn’t see the twist coming, though I know a lot of other fans did. Textbook example of “cute but not very memorable” -- the Platonic ideal of that concept.

50. The Candy Kingpin (Season 3, episode 9)

A clever idea that plays on Max’s worst characteristics and then calls him out for them, while also giving Dolph some much-needed character development. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like it really picks up until the last third of the episode, leaving the rest just kind of sitting there.

49. Campfire Tales (Season 4, episode 13)

Who doesn’t love campfire stories?

That’s all I got. They’re campfire stories.

ETA: OH SH/IT THIS ONE HAS THAT REALLY SCARY STORY! Where David’s all like . . . Slenderman’d. Fu/ck, I didn’t remember that until I was writing out my thoughts for #35 or so. That definitely elevates it, but I’m too tired to try and re-decide where this should go, so just tie it with “New Adventure!”

48. New Adventure! (Season 4, episode 4)

New trio! Focusing on these 3 was a definite risk, and I think it really paid off. While the “plot” itself isn’t anything special, there are a handful of really great side gags (hi, Dirty Kevin!!!!) and it’s fun to see these three interact. They all get some nice character beats. It’s a good time.

47. Something Fishy (Season 3, episode 8)

This might’ve hit me harder if I’d actually seen The Shape of Water, but the send-up works fine without having more than the seen-the-trailer level of understanding. Gwen dresses pretty, which I love; Max sucks, which I also love. What drags this one down is mostly feeling like the surreal aspects of the comedy go a bit too far into the “what the fu/ck am I looking at?” territory without really . . . making an actual joke beyond “look! Wacky!"

Why is David at the opera with a bird? Why??

46. City Survival (Season 3, episode 11)

Literally do not remember a single thing about this episode except David getting mugged and being called a “homeless twi/nk.” That should probably rank it lower on the list, but David being a fluttery mother hen saves it for me -- as does the fact that it leads directly into one of my favorite episodes, and the single best story arc of the series.

Next set of episodes is what I’m going to arbitrarily call “okay! but like the good kind of okay, not the bad kind.”

45. Bonjour Bonquisha (Season 2, episode 7)

Max and Sasha masterminding a scheme is really fun; their dynamic is great (though it won’t be fully realized until Season 4), and heartbroken David is so tragically cute it actually makes my heart explode out of my chest.

Also I can’t resist a good “3 kids in a trench coat” gag.

44. Anti-Social Network (Season 2, episode 2)

Neil is very relatable and I don’t have much else to say about this one. It’s fun to see an episode that more heavily focuses on our nerdy science boy, and Max and Neil teaming up to save Nikki was really charming and sweet and set my Makkiel ship out to sea.

43. A Camp Camp Christmas, or Whatever (Season 2 holiday episode)

Why does this episode have a musical number? It’s not good.

Okay, that was mean. This is fun and cute and Gwen wears a pretty purple sweatshirt and Space Kid gives her a present and it’s really sweet. But that musical number is an instant fast-forward for me, sorry.

42. Preston Goodplay's Good Play (Season 4, episode 7)

We get some Preston character development! Awesome!

It’s done in a really trippy and surreal way that totally fits his character and heightens the drama of the episode! Awesome!

David has an apparently-tragic history of being a French mime! Not a good call! 

Next tier: Some good sh/it! (Tbh, these could all be put in just about any order; they might as well be one massive tie.)

41. Cookin' Cookies (Season 2, episode 11)

I love the Flower Scouts. I love Dirty Kevin. I love the idea of accidentally starting a dru/g empire. Another weird, borderline experimental one focusing on side characters, and I think it works better than “New Adventure!” because the scale of the melodrama is just so over-the-top.

The fact that this is in the bottom 20 but I have nothing but good things to say about it illustrates how dang good this show is. It’s only getting better from here, folks!

40. Romeo & Juliet II: Love Resurrected (Season 1, episode 7)

Preston is a terrible playwright. This makes sense, because he’s like 11, but he’s the kind of hilariously bad I wish I’d been as a preteen, because his play is absolutely bonkers. Max fucking with David is great, Tabii vs. Bonquisha is great, Bonquisha in general is a giant amazonian goddess and I want to be swept up into her giant arms. Neil is . . . a robot, for some reason?

So much fun!

39. Camp Cool Kidz (Season 1, episode 4)

I don’t love Ered’s characterization in this one, but there are a lot of wacky hijinks in this episode that I think make it really enjoyable. Max’s wide-eyed revolutionary naïveté is a fun change from his usual dour pessimism, and Nikki’s loyalty to Ered is both very gay and very charming. Plus we get to learn a bit more about how the camp operates (and fails to operate), and it’s a nice way to better establish the campsite as its own setting.

(Definitely think “Cool” should’ve been spelled with a K though. But whatever, I don’t write for the show.)

38. Scout's Dishonor (Season 1, episode 3)

The birth of Neeancy! The introduction of the Flower and Wood Scouts! Neil saying “cu/nt” -- one of the first and only truly shocking uses of profanity in the entire show! ZUKO!

I don’t know if my fondness for this one is rooted mostly in nostalgia or if it was actually really fun, but I enjoyed the he/ll out of it. Not as highly-rated as some other episodes mostly because it doesn’t really do anything, character or story-wise, but not every episode needs to be a massive game-changer that drowns us in feels. Sometimes it’s enough to have a fun romp, and this is very that.

37. Ered Gets Her Cool Back (Season 3, episode 2)

Awww, Ered. I have a soft spot for her, because I love the archetype of a spoiled bit/ch clearly still figuring out how to be a person and have friends. You really get the sense of her as a teenager trying to sort her shi/t out in this episode, which I would love to see more of. Her interactions with Nerris are top-tier, and I like that it’s a continuation of how her character’s been softening since Season 1 into this kind of big-sister figure.

Also, all the female campers in this show are lesbians. I do not make the rules.

36. Attack of the Nurfs (Season 4, episode 2)

I feel like this is a pretty underrated episode. But then again, I feel like Nurf is a pretty underrated character, so maybe that’s just my own personal bias.

I really enjoyed all the different iterations of Nurf, and I think Blaine did a killer job giving each one its own personality and life. It’s a fun episode that plays hard with cartoon physics (a 3D printer printing people! I love it!) and has a surprisingly moving ending.

At least, that’s what I think. Most other people seem to find this one pretty forgettable. Again: make your own da/mn list. I liked it.

35. Mascot (Season 1, episode 2)

This entire episode is memorable for so many things, but a few of my favorites:

David is established as kind of a di/ck.

Platypus arrives and kicks all the as/s.

Quartermaster is the best.

Nerris, Harrison, and Space Kid all get little moments to show off how cute they are.

Neil and Nikki bonding.

This:

34. Quest to Sleepy Peak Peak (Season 2, episode 3)

I love watching Nerris and Harrison bicker, and Neil and Nikki fit really well into their group. It reminds me of being a kid, and of playing Dungeons & Dragons (as an adult, because I’m so cool), and of summer . . . which is a really good thing for this show. There are a lot of funny one-liners, and it’s just a good dang time.

33. Quartermaster Appreciation Day (Season 2, episode 6)

I don’t think this one is all that well-loved, but I thought it was funny. There are literally zero important plot or character moments, but it made me laugh a lot, and that’s all I need a Camp Camp episode to do. 

I love QM, and the more we learn about him, the more confused and disturbed we end up being. What a fu/cking champion.

32. Arrival of the Torso Takers (Season 3 Halloween episode)

I lowkey hated this one when it came out, because I knew the Daniel stans were going to be exhausting. And they kind of were? But looking back, it’s a great way to reintroduce this motherfu/cker. He’s a lot scarier than he was the last time around -- but also less competent, which is a great way to kick him in the proverbial ba/lls -- and while I wish it had a lot more Gwen in it, it’s a clever and creative Halloween episode. 

31. Operation: Charlie Tango Foxtrot (Season 3, episode 10)

Charlie . . . Tango . . . Foxtrot . . . CTF . . . OH! Capture the Flag! I never got that before. Oh, that’s neat. I love this show.

Listen, every time the writers decide to take a risk and do something bizarre and creative, I’m going to be here for it at least a little bit. An entire episode told from the POV of the Woodscouts, explaining how hard they failed in all directions? A great gag where everyone in Petrol’s story talks in grunts? The return of Jermy Fartz?! Fantastic. 

30. Panicked Room (Season 4, episode 16)

Listen. I’m a sucker for my trash grandpa; anything Campbell-centric is probably going to be pretty good (except #54), because he’s just one of the most consistently funny and engaging characters. Good times are had whenever this terrible man is on the screen, and giving him a romantic backstory? A tragic romantic backstory full of mistakes and emotional damage?? One where he waited 17 YEARS for the love of his life???

We have no choice but to stan.

29. Party Pooper (Season 4, episode 15)

I’m so predictable. If you put Gwen in something, I will be happy. If you make an entire episode about how Gwen is under-appreciated and overworked and just trying to do her best despite the circumstances, I will dedicate my firstborn child to you.

Anyway, this episode is really sweet, and I liked the unexpected direction the writers took her relationship with her dad. He seems like a nice guy, they seem like they have a nice relationship, and . . . well, an episode about how hard it is to be an adult millennial hit pretty hard. Plus this was just a really pretty episode -- and not just because Gwen was in so much of it! Seriously, that night sky was a thing of beauty.

Also if you say a fuc/king word about Max and that godda/mn dog I will choke you out with your own intestines. Few things are more hilariously, annoyingly ironic than the fact that the entire fandom ignored and failed to appreciate Gwen . . . in the episode all about how everyone ignores and fails to appreciate Gwen.

28. Culture Day (Season 3 holiday episode)

Now, would it be arrogant to point out that I had the idea for a Culture/Heritage Day back in September 2018? Yes, especially since I don’t think the writers ever read fanfiction and it has literally nothing to do with this episode. Will that stop me? He/ll no it will not! I am a creature of ego! Read my stuff! 

Anyway, this is a really fun look at Neil’s background, personality, and relationships. Max looking out for him is just . . . oh my god, I cannot, I’ve written like 30 of these and my brain is starting to melt, but these two are so cute. I love arrogant Neil, and I love protective Max, and I love QM and Gwen fuc/king over the Flower Scouts to save the day. Everything about this episode is lovely.

27. Cameron Campbell the Camp Campbell Camper (Season 3, episode 7)

This should not be ranked so high (even if these are all essentially tied). This is a dumb episode based on a really, really dumb premise. 

But . . . I don’t know what to tell you. “Samboy Kidwell,” Max realizing he and Campbell are disturbingly similar and not liking what his future could look like, David’s “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” face . . . this episode happens to hit all of my favorite things. It had a really good balance of heavy-handed moralizing and goofs, it was part of the most graceful lead-up into a finale the show has ever had, and I’m just all about it. 

Excellent job, Samboy. Count Olaf would be proud of your disguise.

There ends the “some good sh/it” tier. We’re starting to get into the really excellent stuff now!

26. Parents' Day (Season 2, episode 12)

I know. You want this to be higher. I hear you.

Honestly I’m kind of shocked it’s this high; it’s my least favorite of the season finales so far, and I had to push past a lot of prejudice to actually rank this where I think it deserves to be, as opposed to somewhere in the like mid-40s. Mostly because it gave fuel to the raging inferno of “Max has terrible parents and David should adopt him” headcanons, which I’ve detailed my problems with extensively in the past (in a post that, statistically speaking, none of you have read).

But, trying to be objective: is this episode actually any good?

Well . . . yeah, it really is.

So much work was put into giving each of the campers families that make sense with their characters and bounce absurdly well off of them, ranging from wholesome and adorable (Nerris’s family) to quietly tragic (Harrison’s parents), and they’re all designed so well; they’re fun to look at and fun to watch interact with the kids and each other. (The only exception is Dolph’s dad, who is both kinda lame and misattributes the cause of the weird Na/zi thing because it did not come from Germany, I assure you. But things with Dolph are always a little off, and I don’t really know how you would give him a backstory that actually works with the character, so they were caught between a rock and a hard place there.)

The drama of David having to choose between the man he considers his father and the camp he considers his home is really touching, and him and Gwen choosing to take a sad camper out to get pizza instead of covering for their boss’s a/ss is such a beautiful moment for both of them that I can’t really blame the fandom for losing their mind over it. Campbell’s arrest leading into the arcs of the next two seasons was great as well, and the finale left us all with this weird sense of foreboding because we didn’t know what was going to happen next; it was the only finale that actually ended on something close to a cliffhanger, while still being satisfying enough to keep us all from melting down.

Plus, it’s funny. Carl and Candy are really funny and the idea of Neil and Nikki’s parents boning is funny in a horrible way. The joke about Quartersister is funny. It’s a good episode.

Should this be higher? Maybe, but I can’t bring myself to put it above the rest of these episodes. Again: make your own list.

25. Mind Freakers (Season 1, episode 10)

The episode that launched a thousand ships. Assuming those ships are all Harrison/Neil, anyway.

It’s hard to talk about these Season 1 episodes because they feel so classic. Like, what is there to say? You’ve all seen it a couple dozen times; I’ve seen it a couple dozen times. Harrison is a di/ck, Neil is possibly an even bigger di/ck, and magic may or may not be real. (Though spoilers for literally every season: yes, magic is definitely real.) It’s so much fun watching these two smug as/sholes snipe at each other in an almost literal playground hair-pulling way that could very easily be read as flirtation. 

And the fandom did most certainly read it that way, at least for a little while.

24. Gwen Gets a Job (Season 2, episode 8)

It’s Gwen. What, was I supposed to not put it this high?

This was the first Gwen-centric episode, and it absolutely slaps. She’s pushed to the breaking point and responds by being a cold-hearted BAMF, and it got her some pretty significant hate from fans but I don’t give a fu/ck, I loved it. We got to see her all dolled up, and then we got to see her all disheveled, and both of those looks were gorgeous. David gives her a tiny fragment of the love and validation she deserves (I don’t know if this is when gwenvid started taking off -- I think it wasn’t really until “Parents’ Day,” or even Season 3 -- but I ate that s/hit up).

Also, again: job hunting post-2008. It’s a bad time, y’all. Camp Camp gets it.

23. Follow the Leader (Season 4, episode 6)

Yeah, I was kind of surprised at how high this landed, too. I guess I’m just a sucker for unlikely companionships, and these three have a great chemistry. The combination of competitiveness, sass, and reluctant admiration make their interactions a lot of fun. Their motivation of doing petty errands for Campbell for the sake of getting at the Box of Illegal Contraband is a great framework too, with high enough stakes to justify all sorts of wacky shenanigans without causing actual anxiety.

I want to see these characters forced to spend more time together. Please, RT, make that happen.

22. Escape from Camp Campbell (Season 1, episode 1)

In terms of numbers, this feels so low, but considering everything from about #45 on is ranked as at least decent, this is actually a pretty high rating. There are 21 episodes I’d call better than this, but these decisions were all pretty painful.

This introduces us to everyone! The main trio, the counselors, Mr. Campbell; we get a snapshot of the major personalities running around the camp, the major points of conflict (Max vs. David, primarily), the major building blocks of future episodes, setting, and relationships . . . 

Again, I don’t know how much of my love for this episode is nostalgia -- there’s a lot of squeeing at familiar faces and gags; this is the first time David gets hit by a bus!!! -- but it was a fun and funny introduction to a series that’s ended up being so important to me, and I’m so grateful this wonderful, quirky little show with its wonderful and quirky little premiere. 

Of all the episodes, I really can’t look at this one objectively. It’s too important.

21. The Fun-Raiser (Season 3, episode 1)

David and Gwen scheming is my ki/nk. They very rarely scheme together, but every single time their teamwork makes the dream work (or, more frequently, makes the dream fail horribly and have disastrous consequences) my soul flies out of my body and takes to the stars, where I write another 500 first chapters to gwenvid fanfics I’ll probably never finish.

This is a great follow-up to “Parents’ Day,” where we immediately see the consequences of the previous season finale and what happens when the one adult in the camp disappears. Mr. Campbell was a terrible adult, true, but at least he was smart enough not to steal QM’s hook. Like . . . whose plan was this? It was so bad. These two are hilariously incompetent sometimes -- often when their bad ideas are feeding off of each other, actually, a la this and “Space Camp Was a Hoax” -- and watching them frantically try and keep all their balls in the air is so great. 

The ending is satisfying, too; a bit graphic, in keeping with a show that tends to keep the violence limited to periodic spurts of bloodshed 1-2 times a season and mostly pretty mild the rest of the time, but between Max stepping up and fixing everything while still being his shi/tty self to our dear dumba/ss counselors getting their dumb as/ses handed to them (deservedly so, if we’re being honest) . . . it’s such a great note to begin a new season on.

20. Journey to Spooky Island (Season 1, episode 5)

A classic.

We get to meet our spooky boy Jasper, we get to watch the comedy trio play off each other and continue to sketch out the general contours of their friendship, and we get to see the Quartermaster with a big purple dil/do for a hand. What’s not to love?

19. The Butterfinger Effect (Season 4, episode 17)

CONTROVERSIAL HOT TAKES! GET YOUR CONTROVERSIAL HOT TAKES HERE!

I’ve already gone into some pretty intense detail about why I think this one is actually really good and carries the theme of embracing change that everything about Season 4 was centered around, but none of y’all read that so here it is in short: this episode is super funny, almost all of the campers’ transformations work really well as extensions of their characters while still being strange and surprising, and the fact that Nurf creates all of these problems by trying to solve them is deliciously fun to watch in a karmic sort of way.

Or maybe it’s just because any Nurf-centric episode is going to rank pretty highly for me. That is also possible.

18. Space Camp Was a Hoax (Season 2, episode 10)

Our camp counselors being bad people: it’s my drug of choice.

We get Space Kid tripping balls in what might be one of the funniest sequences in the show, the entire camp coming together to try and pull off the stupidest, most impossible task (and kinda maybe almost nailing it???), and once again the fun of watching Gwen and David scramble to keep from getting caught in their boss’s shit/ty lies is so great. And Lindsay’s voice acting is absolutely killer, even more so than usual. 

17. Jermy Fartz (Season 2, episode 4)

I get the sense this might be a somewhat controversial one. 

I’ve written before about why I think this episode is a lot of fun, but it mostly boils down to two things: watching the campers try (and fail) to be nice to the most bully-able person on the entire planet, and the essential likeableness of Jermy. 

No, really.

I think a lot of people were put off by Jermy’s general grossness, because . . . my god is he disgusting, but he’s also polite and good-natured, and seems totally self aware of how difficult he is to be around, without letting it make him depressed. He’s cheerful in a weirdly downbeat way that’s impossible to understand until you see him in action. He’s so matter-of-fact about his own awfulness in a way that I found entirely endearing. I don’t think I’d want him at my camp, either, but get that kid to a good dermatologist and gastroenterologist, teach him some basic hygiene and social skills, and you’ll have quite a little gentleman there.

I do however find it hilarious that apparently David got the type of tree wrong when making fun of Jermy. Not only is that a great moment for reveling in David being an as/shole, but he didn’t even have the right wood. F/ucking idiot. I love him so much.

These last ones are my favorites! (Well, duh, that’s how this whole ranking thing works.) Maybe not perfect, but just really good and with limitless rewatch value.

16. St. Campbell's Day (Season 4 holiday episode)

They Grinch’d Camp Camp. Those brilliant bast/ards, they really pulled it off.

Ignoring the fact that David is truly frightening-looking for most of the episode, this is a great bookend to Season 4, following up on the theme established in the first episode about how David is a flawed and selfish human being despite trying his best not to be.

This is another one I was surprised to find so high on the list, but the more I thought about it the more I realizes how good it is. David being a jerk is always one of my favorite storylines, and the fact that the trouble comes from him trusting Mr. Campbell too little instead of too much is a nice twist on the usual formula. Gwen coming to help him out despite a blistering hangover gave me aggressive shipping feels, yes, obviously. 

Between a lot of really funny little gags like QM’s failed satanic ritual and the genuinely touching moral about the importance of spending time with the people you love, it’s just a really lovely episode that gets just the right amount of maudlin for the holiday season. 

15. Jasper Dies at the End (Season 2, episode 5)

I kept switching this and “Dial M for Jasper”; it was a really difficult decision to make, figuring out where these two belonged. I think in the end, while the John Dies at the End reference was very, very good, this one loses me a little bit by being told from David’s perspective. Now, normally the more David is in an episode the more I’ll be likely to love it (see my #1 for proof of that), but his blinders when it comes to the camp and Mr. Campbell result in a really funny story, but one without the same emotional heft as hearing about what happened from Jasper’s point of view.

That doesn’t mean it’s not perfect for what it needs to be: each Jasper episode builds on the previous ones, and having the same intensity of “Dial M for Jasper,” where we learn how he died and how his relationship with David fell apart, would be weird and heavy at this point. In Season 1 we just found out he’s a ghost (and eagle-eyed viewers realized he’d been a camper with David); in Season 2 we find out how David views their friendship and time at camp; and in Season 3 we get Jasper’s perspective. It’s an absolutely wonderful raising of the stakes (for lack of a better term), but the one that packs more of an emotional punch is going to rank a bit higher than the one that’s mostly just for laughs.

That being said: there are plenty of laughs in this one. Everyone -- Griffin, Miles, Travis, the animators -- nailed this one, and it gets funnier every time I watch it.

14. Camporee (Season 1, episode 11)

AKA the episode where Forest realized she was in love with Gwen. 

What a great idea for an episode, seriously. Every coming-of-age story has a talent show or a competition or a big game -- something where the kiddos can show off their improved skills and teamwork to beat their bullies or whatever. And this show has both kinds of bullies: the popular girly girls and the violent muscleheads. What a great moment to pull everyone together and show how friendship can help us accomplish anything!

Except . . . of course that’s not what happens. Of course they’re absolute garbage, and of course teamwork isn’t the answer. Gwen is the perfect foil for David here, being the anti-teamwork, anti-Camp-Campbell adult who can perfectly and effortlessly undermine David’s relentless optimism. David wants so badly for his campers to live in the same coming-of-age summer movie he did as a child, and their staunch refusal to do that leads to a really heartbreaking closer to the episode, as well as lead into the next one. Everything about this, from the challenges to the setup to Gwen shouting “we are winning this FUC/KING trophy!” is just gold.

13. David Gets Hard (Season 1, episode 9)

We have David. We have Nurf. We have Gwen. We have Max trying to be helpful in the shi/ttiest way possible.

We have all the makings of a da/mn good episode. And they deliver. Not a very emotionally intense or moving one, but so, so funny.

12. Dial M for Jasper (Season 3, episode 5)

This isn’t the fate any of us expected for Jasper, and it’s not the fate of a lot of people wanted. But godda/mn it, it worked. The constant bait-and-switch the episode keeps playing with, where you keep waiting for something really dramatic and tragic to happen . . . and then the reality is that Jasper died because Mr. Campbell was stupid and careless, and it was all just a horribly sad accident.

It’s anticlimactic, but in a way that suits the series, both as a comedic counterpoint to all the hype throughout the episode and as a way to establish that Cameron Campbell is a bad man first and foremost through selfishness and laziness, not Daniel-esque sinister evil. Jasper’s death was totally avoidable and totally Campbell’s fault, and while that’s sad, it also adds a weird sort of lightness to the episode. David didn’t do something terrible to kill his best friend, Jasper didn’t kill himself, and without having actively chosen to murder a child (well, not this time), the door remains open for fans accepting Campbell’s later pseudo-redemption. It was just an accident, and Jasper was “haunting” David to tell him that he was sorry for how their friendship ended. That’s really sweet, actually.

I think it’s the best way this reveal could’ve gone, and I’m so impressed with how they pulled it all off.

11. Into Town (Season 1, episode 8)

This might actually be the only flawless episode in the entire show. I mean, I call a lot of them flawless, and I mean that on an emotional level -- “I love this so much I cannot see anything wrong with it” -- but this one is a masterpiece of storytelling. All the technical jumbo I’m bad at, like planting and payoff and tension and all of that, is just perfect.

I feel like this is the kind of claim that needs to be backed up with a long-as/s essay full of citations and video clips and references to, like, Joseph Campbell or something, but this is my 49th entry in the list so I am not going to be doing that. Besides, I don’t think my English degree qualifies me to critique film/animation; I don’t even entirely know half the terms I’ve used to compliment this episode. Someone else please explain why this is such a good one.

10. The Quarter-Moon Convergence (Season 4, episode 5)

I’ve mentioned in other entries that the weird, surreal humor sometimes doesn’t work; it feels too much like being odd for its own sake, and sometimes gets so distracted in being surreal that it forgets to include anything funny or meaningful. 

This . . . is not one of those.

Putting Harrison and QM together is a stroke of genius; the two of them are literally the most magical beings in the entire show, and using them as the conveyance for this great Lovecraftian horror-comedy was such a good idea. I don’t know if we’ll ever see these two interact in another episode -- honestly, this felt a bit like lightning in a bottle, and I have a hard time imagining what could possibly bring them together again -- but if this is the only episode we get, it is such a fantastic one.

Harrison makes a really good everyman, despite his powers; he’s just the right amount of confident and insecure to pull off that wide-eyed apprentice to QM’s grizzled wise mentor. (The fact that QM is objectively a terrible mentor is beside the point.) I still don’t entirely know what the two of them accomplished, but it feels baffling and momentous, with the perfect amount of gravity to make things extremely tense all the way through to the end.

Also, I guess God is an octopus? That’s kinda cool. I like octopuses.

9. Camp Corp. (Season 3, episode 12)

Another unpopular opinion? Oh ho ho, I am so contrary! I am Not Like Other Fans! I am the Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, refusing to have the same opinions of all you prepz.

I know this wasn’t the most well-loved episode, but I think it did a really great job tying together story threads woven throughout Season 3: Max’s selfishness leading to him hurting other people, his growing realization that he cares about his friends and the camp itself, the parallels between him and Mr. Campbell (and the fact that they both get this redemption moment in the finale). 

This is the most Max-centric season, focusing on his flaws and character growth, and they pulled it off in a really organic way that felt faithful to his character, touching without being too maudlin. The fact that his feelings about the camp are echoed in Gwen, Neil and Nikki, the other campers, and even Mr. Campbell drives home how important the camp -- and David -- are to this strange little family. 

Each season, Max reluctantly becomes a better person, without changing the fundamental core of who he is. That’s a really hard putt for the writers and Michael, and I’m blown away every finale by how they so consistently nail it.

8. Time Crapsules (Season 4, episode 18)

Gwen-centric? Check.

Max learning how to be a better person while still being the bratty kid we know and love? Check.

Looks at one of the most under-appreciated character dynamics in the entire show (i.e., Max and Gwen)? Checkity check-check-check.

I don’t really have much to say about this one, which I should: it was considered a pretty serious letdown to a lot of fans, and I’m not sure how to explain why I loved it so much. 

Comparing Max from “The Order of the Sparrow” to Max from this episode is wild. It’s not like 2 different characters: they’re still very obviously the same cynical, self-absorbed 10-year-old trying to survive summer camp. But he’s become a more considerate friend and decent version of that kid, and it’s great to watch. The moment where he and Gwen go too far and immediately regret snapping at each other is still painful (on my god, the VAs in this show, they’re so talented), Nikki and Neil both get nice subplots about how they’re also growing up, and the ending is fuc/king hilarious, perfectly breaking the tension from Campbell’s speech, which is both beautifully done and important to hear, especially if you’re in a period of uncomfortable transition (like, say, in your late 20s, or living through about 5 different national and global catastrophes).

And okay, I found that speech on the wiki for this episode and it made me deeply emotional, so here:

Here's the thing: you've got to take your failures and make something out of them. Take Camp Campbell for instance: a lot of poor decisions went into making this place what it is today. Sure, somewhere along the line it maybe strayed from its path, not living up to the camp it wanted to be. At some point, the camp realized that the camp would never reach the end of its path until it was ready or until it gave up. So, if the camp wanted to keep embezzling money and dealing with foreign powers, so be it! But, at some point, it didn't anymore. I never saw this coming, but I'm starting to think this camp is the best it's ever been.

If this is the last episode of Camp Camp we ever get -- and for at least a little while, it looks like it’s going to be -- I can’t think of a sweeter, funnier, and more lovely bittersweet note for this show to go out on.

7. The Lake Lilac Summer Social (Season 3, episode 6)

And again: No one was surprised. 

This is the longest non-finale episode of the show, and it uses that time perfectly. Rather than having some big emotional moments and character arcs -- which are great, don’t get me wrong -- the writers use the extended time to build a series of shenanigans as complicated as Gwen’s matchmaking web, and watching her try to set up a series of dominos (with David, for once, being the responsible, level-headed one) is almost as satisfying as the catastrophic results. 

Neil and Snake steal this episode, even from someone as in love with Gwen as I am, and for an episode that’s largely about making fun of shippers, there hasn’t been one that launched nearly as many ships as this. Neil/Snake? Tabii/Erin? Max/Nikki? GWENVID?! It’s all here, and I am here for it.

It was also fun to get a traditional episode setup in a very non-traditional show. I assume this means the beach and/or hot springs episode is forthcoming. (No, Pis/s Lake doesn’t count. Obviously it doesn’t count.)

6. Keep the Change (Season 4, episode 1)

Again, this is an episode I’ve said a lot about in the past -- and I was pretty uncharitable toward Season 3, which in retrospect was very unse/xy of me -- but I stand by a lot of my opinions then: this is a fu/cking great episode.

David is an as/shole, Max is an as/shole, Campbell is an as/shole. No one escapes the as/sholery. David schemes, Max catches him in the scheme, Campbell gets drunk and kind of gay . . . I’m 54 entries into this list and I don’t have much to say anymore: it’s just really good and fun and I love it.

5. Camp Loser Says What? (Season 4, episode 9)

This is another one I kind of hated when it came out, and again for fandom-related and personal-grudge reasons.

Fu/cking Daniel. That motherfu/cker. He shows up for 12 minutes and Tumblr bursts into flames. Every single time.

However, it’s really hard not to love this one. Daniel-as-Trump is a clever but subtle -- I mean, for this show’s definition of subtle -- allegory, and it’s amazing how much this slimy freak and the Woodscouts slot into it. David is a bise/xual disaster with the absolute worst taste in men, Dirty Kevin and Daniel are onscreen together for all of 2.5 seconds and the kevdan shippers lost their minds, and Xemug looks like Megamind for some weird reason.

My only minor complaint is that the ending is a bit anticlimactic, but it plays on Daniel’s stupidity and the value of teamwork, so it’s a very small nitpick in an episode that mostly works like gangbusters.

4. Cult Camp (Season 2, episode 1)

Duh. There’s a really good song and we’re introduced to a charismatic, sinister, and totally dumba/ss villain. What’s not to like?

I don’t think I even need to say anything about this episode. Season 2 started off the summer by throwing a lit firecracker directly at the viewer’s face, and ignoring the fact that we as a fandom proceeded to eat each other, it’s impossible not to get caught up in the episode’s wild energy.

And dude, that song. Fabulous. Fu/ck Daniel, but thank god he’s around to be such a prickly little pri/ck.

Now for the top 3: Literally perfect, wouldn’t change a single solitary thing.

3. After Hours (Season 4, episode 8)

I’m not sure anyone loved this episode as much as me. But this is my list, and I will put this up at the top if I want to and you cannot stop me.

It’s much easier in a lot of ways to talk about the episodes I hated than the ones I love this much. What do I say besides “literally everything about this fills me with joy and my life is better because it exists”? I don’t know. The counselors are my favorite characters, and between Gwen and QM having the weirdest bonding experience, Gwen getting to meet up with people who care about her silly fanfiction, Mr. Campbell being the trash grandpa of my dreams, David getting in way over his head . . . it’s the episode I always wanted, and they made it work so well.

Also, I just discovered that “Gwen Isn’t Your Mother So Stop Asking Her to Rinse Your Dishes” is an actual song and I am overwhelmed with delight. Here, I’m embedding it as well as linking because it’s so good:

God. This show. What the fu/ck even is up with this amazing, weird-as/s show.

2. The Order of the Sparrow (Season 1, episode 12)

Duh.

The entire first season is a great time (except “Reigny Day”), but it’s a pretty low-stakes kind of great time. There isn’t much in terms of emotional depth until the very end of “Camporee,” despite some hints at darker themes in one-off jokes and quick asides, so this episode comes a bit out of left field, tonally speaking.

But that’s not a bug, it’s a feature; if the show had been this overtly emotional from the outset, this finale wouldn’t hit as hard, and the rest of the season wouldn’t be as funny. 

This manages to serve as a capstone to the conflict of the first season, building on episodes like “Into Town” and “Escape from Camp Campbell” in a way that feels totally natural for both David and Max’s characters while revealing new sides of them. It works because it’s so unexpected, but it doesn’t come across as incongruous with their personalities. It’s the first and only time David swears in all 4 seasons, and that line -- I don’t even need to say it, you know exactly what I’m talking about -- still gives me chills.

Also, Gwen sings the camp theme song. Impossible not to cherish.

1. The Forest (Season 4, episode 12)

I’m not sure if this one is a surprise or not. It might be the obvious first place, or it might be a bit of an oddball for some people.

I had a really hard time choosing between this and “The Order of the Sparrow”; I switched their places half a dozen times, and the difference in quality between the two is razor-thin. I think part of that is because it accomplishes a lot of what “Order of the Sparrow” does: puts David in a situation where he’s pushed to his absolute emotional and physical capacity, crushes every shred of hope he has left, and sees what he’s actually made of when you strip everything away. It’s much more dramatic this time around, but it’s the same basic concept.

And just like in the Season 1 finale, what we see is a man who’s determined to do good even when he isn’t rewarded for it, even when he’s actively punished for it. Who wants to love nature, and life, and make the world a better place -- despite his faults, his selfishness and thoughtlessness and anger, David proves that he is fundamentally kind. He’s not nearly as deludedly optimistic as he seems; he just refuses to stop trying.

Because somebody fuc/king has to.

I’ll admit, some of what puts this one in first place is that I’m a sucker for whump, and David really goes through the ringer. However, I also think it’s important to acknowledge the risk Joe Nicolosi took with writing this episode: it’s all centered around a single character, it’s darker and more viscerally bloody than any other episode in the show’s history, the art is focused on these grand sweeping backgrounds that must’ve taken forever to paint, and there’s very little talking in a show that runs 99% on clever dialogue. This could have so easily backfired -- and for some fans it did -- but it was brave and beautiful and breathtaking.

I’ve actually only watched this in full once. It’s really hard to get through; it’s just so intense and even disturbing. But if there’s one episode I'll remember for the rest of my life, even when I’m 80 years old and haven’t seen the show in years, it’ll be “The Forest.”

It’s funny how such a sharp departure from the format and style of the rest of the show somehow manages to perfectly capture the heart of it. Talk about a fuc/king achievement.

So what have we learned?

I don’t entirely know what the purpose of this whole exercise was. I think it was mostly to get myself a nice Camp Camp fix that came from something other than slogging through 20 different fanfic WIPs, and to remind myself of what a strange and fun ride the last 4 summers have been. 

I also wanted to take a moment to acknowledge what Camp Camp means to me. This show has been hugely important to me on a personal level: I met two of my best friends through this fandom, and I’ve never been more connected to a community or readers than I have with CC. I know I bi/tch about this fandom a lot, but it’s a big extended internet family, and I’m so happy to be a part of it. Going through all these episodes, getting the chance to ramble about the things I liked and the things I didn’t, was a great way to reconnect with a series and community that I love.

So . . . what have we learned?

1. Season 4 was all over the place.

Some of this has to be due to the sheer volume of episodes, but when I sat down and organized everything into tiers:

There isn’t a single category Season 4 doesn’t have at least one episode in. I was surprised to see how high a lot of them ended up; it really was the best and worst of the show so far.

For the fun of it, I decided to give a number to each placement -- 60 points for the #1 episode, 59 for #2, etc. -- and see how each season broke down. Because that’s that kind of thing I think is worthwhile, apparently. And . . .

2. Seasons 1 and 4 are really good, actually.

Well, I don’t think anyone’s surprised to see how well Season 1 stacked up; it was amazing. But I was surprised to see how much I ended up enjoying Seasons 3 and 4, when if you’d asked me before this little project, I would’ve said they were the most underwhelming. Maybe I messed up the numbers a bit -- I’m no mathmagician -- but not only are they all really close, but Season 4 was one of my favorites.

3. This entire show is really good, actually.

One thing that really struck me when I put it all together visually is how most of the episodes sit in the “good,” “really good,” or “amazing” categories. The amount of episodes that are memorable, fun, and/or emotionally resonant is crazy. I don’t now how many other tiny cult-hit web series can say the same, honestly, and all of the writers, animators, directors/producers/other people whose jobs I don’t really understand, and voice actors should be commended for their outstanding talent and hard work.

4. Thank you, Camp Camp.

It was a real pleasure to relive all of these episodes again and think about what they meant to me. It won’t be the last time I sit down and watch this show -- and it certainly won’t be the end of my being a shrieking fangirl over it -- but with this break, where we have to get through a blazing, extremely difficult summer without a new season to fawn over, it’s nice to stop and appreciate what a precious gem of a show this is.

I hope everyone involved with Rooster Teeth is taking a much-deserved rest and prioritizing their health and well-being. Thank you for creating something truly special, and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

[stephkaylor]

FAVES and FAILS: The Vampire Diaries

So I have decided that since The Vampire Diaries has a spin off, The Originals, I am going to divide the characters based on where they appeared the most. So on this list I will be talking about the Salvatores, the Petrova/Gilbert line, the Bennets and Caroline, etc. but I will discuss the Mikaelsons, Hayley, etc. on their own list with the other characters that appeared on The Originals mostly. As always, spoilers are abound as I will discuss storylines and character arcs below, so be warned of that.  In any case, here’s my FAVES and FAILS for The Vampire Diaries. 

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER: Damon Salvatore

Could it be anyone else? I don’t think so. He’s a delightful little sociopathic shit and I love everything about him. He is 99% id and 1% ego, if that, and even when I hated him, I loved him (god, I sound like Elena…). In any case, love this man, five stars, would recommend, chef’s kiss. 

LEAST FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER: …I think Matt Donovan…?

Ugh, it’s hard to pick between Matt, Tyler, and Jeremy, but I think it has to be Matt. I never enjoyed his judgey attitude against everything supernatural, he seemed pretty whiney most of the time, and he was just genuinely uninteresting for the majority of the show.  Not into it. Pass.

FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER: Katherine Pierce (Katarina Petrova)

I thought about giving this post to Caroline by default, but if it comes down to it, Katherine nudges her way into the top spot. Katherine gave no fucks, knew what she wanted and was unapologetic about how she went about getting it, and an all around bad bitch. Was she primarily evil? Yes. But, to be honest, it never really bothered me. 

LEAST FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER: Bonnie Bennet

God, this woman was annoying. She was hypocritical, judgmental, and far too holier than thou for me to swallow her bullshit. She constantly played favorites with Caroline and Elena (I’m sorry, you hold Caroline becoming a vampire against her for like two seasons, but when Elena becomes one, it’s not her fault? Sure.). She hated all supernatural creatures because they “go against nature”, but it’s totally chill for you to perform sacrificial magic to get what you want, unleashing a terrible evil in the process (but it’s not her fault). How she nearly excommunicated Caroline just because she stayed with Stefan after Stefan killed Enzo, as if it was her fault in any way. How everyone treated her like she was a special little unicorn because she’s a Bennet Witch and she’s so magical, like, please, gag me. I could go on, but I honestly cannot be bothered. Hard pass. 

THE CHARACTER THAT DESERVED BETTER: Caroline Forbes

She was essentially shunned by all of her friends and family for becoming a vampire, even though she didn’t choose to become one at all. Also, she was basically used as collateral damage for the entire Salvatores and Gilberts versus The Mikaelsons debacle just because Klaus liked her. She was always the second choice no matter what the situation was (unless it’s her being impregnated with magical twins without her consent and then guilted into carrying the babies, but poor Alaric just lost his wife. I’m sorry, unless it’s your uterus, shut the fuck up). I’ll just be over here doing what exactly NO ONE on the show did, and pick Caroline first.

DEADWEIGHT CHARACTER WE SHOULD’VE DUMPED IN 2009: Tyler Lockwood

I couldn’t pick Matt twice, so Tyler, I guess. He was selfish, a terrible boyfriend to both Caroline and also Liv later, and if I have to hear that boy whine about his fucking sire bond one more time I will literally throw my laptop off of a bridge. 

UNDERHYPED CHARACTER: Lorenzo “Enzo” St. John

Honestly, he’s one of the one things that made the last few seasons of the show bearable.  His delightful British rogue was a lovely way to fill the void that the Mikaelsons left in my heart, his devil-may-care attitude was man-made-manifest of what I was always thinking while watching the show, his BFF relationship with Damon and later Caroline was a joy to watch, and he was way too good for Bonnie. 

OVERHYPED CHARACTER: Alaric Saltzman

He is marginally more bearable right now on Legacies, but he annoyed the shit out of me while he was on the first show. Does he hate vampires or is he best friends with them? Does he want to be a hunter or does he want to stay away from anything supernatural of any kind? Also, he (along with nearly everyone else) basically guilted Caroline into carrying his magical siphoner babies, which is a touch too icky for me…

SHIP YOU WOULD SELL YOUR SOUL FOR: Delena (Damon and Elena)

Could it be anyone else? I never shipped Stelena, as I found both Stefan annoying and Elena too woe-is-me while she was with him. She made Damon want to be a better person and he made her embrace who she really was, monster and all. They had a perfect balance between themselves, and it was a joy to watch. He got the girl, guys. 

SHIP YOU JUST WERE’N THAT INTO: Steroline (Stefan and Caroline)

They were just too…meh. I was entirely uninterested in them, whatsoever, and isn’t that even worse than a ship that you hate? I used their scenes for a bathroom break or to get a snack, as I was guaranteed to miss nothing interesting or important while they were on screen. 

CHARACTER YOU LOVE TO HATE/FAVORITE VILLAIN: Kai Parker

What does it say about me that all of my favorite characters are violent psychopaths…? I’m just going to leave that to be unpacked with the future therapists I’m bound to hire. Kai was the perfect evil. He was powerful, purposeful, and unapologetically demonic in the very best way. I could watch him terrorize my favorite characters forever and not get bored.  Perfection.

FAVORITE STORYLINE: Stefan and Damon’s Brotherhood

If you don’t think this is what the show was about at it’s core, you’re wrong. They loved each other, they hated each other, they died for each other, they killed for each other, and, ultimately, they let nothing and nobody come between them. If you asked me who Damon loved more, Elena or Stefan, I COULD NOT answer you, and isn’t that just the fucking point?!

STORYLINE WE COULD’VE DONE WITHOUT: Magical Babies

I know that a major reason this was even a storyline is because Candice Accola got pregnant, but still…how? Like…she is a vampire..? She is unable to biologically change…? Like can someone grab me a biology textbook and explain how this a thing that can happen BIOLOGICALLY, please? I get that they are mythical creatures, so science doesn’t mean much here, but it just doesn’t make sense in any universe. Also, as I said above, the fact that Caroline was impregnated without her consent and then largely guilted into carrying the babies is a touch too rape-y for me…

BIGGEST PLOTHOLE: Do they go to school, or…? 

Like, are they just compelling the teachers to not notice them not attending class like 90% off the time? Also, how do the people in Mystic Falls not know anything about the supernatural? Like, they aren’t subtle AT ALL so how do they keep sliding under the radar? Also, in a lesser way, how are hybrid witch/vampires a thing? Like, I thought if a witch dies (like they would have to if they become a vampire), they lose their magic…?Make it make sense, Julie!

MOST HEARTBREAKING MOMENT: Damon Dies (the first time)

Honestly one of the saddest moments in the entire series was Damon’s ghost watching Elena lose it when he doesn’t make it back from the Other Side. They were finally happy and together and they can only enjoy it for like five minutes before it goes to shit. Why, Julie??!

BIGGEST EYEROLL MOMENT: Magical Babies (again)

I try to not use something twice on this list but COME ON. This was ridiculous and I do not support this in any way.  (Also this twin bullshit is still fucking annoying on Legacies, if anyone was wondering).

MOST SHOCKING MOMENT (any spit-takes?): Elena forces Kathrine to take The Cure

This was one of the moments that I literally gasped aloud. Most of the time the foreshadowing on these shows is seen from miles away, but I honestly did not see this coming at all. Also, Kathrine was basically the LAST person who wanted that cure so it’s crazy that she was the one to end up taking it and turning human.

MOST BADASS MOMENT: Kathrine kisses Damon at the end of Season 1

Like I said before, she is the original BAD BITCH of the show (not an actual Original, but you know what I mean…) and this was an amazing entry for the character who would be, largely, the villain of the series. It played on the feelings that Damon is developing for Elena, it finally introduced the person who started it all for the Salvatores, and it showed us exactly who she is at her core, and that she isn’t sorry about it at all.

SERIES FINALE SATISFACTORY LEVEL (use no words, just gifs):

OVERALL MARKS OUT OF TEN (10 being this show has changed your life for the better, you happily rewatch the series over and over, and the show has made your life better in some way. 1 being this show gave you nothing but trust issues, a stomach ulcer, and high blood pressure, and you honestly do not know why you did this to yourself) 

7 out of 10. 

I look back on The Vampire Diaries with the kind of fondness that only comes from a bizarre mix of nostalgia and incredulity. When scenes from this series show up on my instagram feed or on my Youtube recommended page, an involuntary smile creeps across my face without me realizing. I could do without like half of the characters and some entire seasons were completely unnecessary to watch, but it gave me some of my very favorite characters and ships, and spawned an entire universe that I still enjoy to this day. This magical, crazy, beautiful world was a joy to experience, even when it made me want to beat my head against a wall at least once per season.

If you want to see the other ones I have made, here's the original post with links. x  Hope you like these! (I say to probably no one...)

[what-a-messsss]

2x2 rewatch

Eeeeehehehehe, why the fuck am I laughing this hard when I realized it was the roadkill compost episode?  That is not in the least funny, it’s actually pretty gross, but I’m literally paused 3 seconds in chortling to myself so hard that I’m having to wipe away tears.  ...I think the stress is getting to me.  Anyway, back to fictional Wyoming!

It’s actually a pretty genius business model, to be honest.  Taking a sadly repeating resource and using it to enrich the soil?  Tough work, no doubt, physically and mentally, but a smart and very niche thing.  I hadn’t thought about the fact that cleaning up roadkill would have been part of Walt’s job as a deputy.  Lucian said in S6, in his fantastically circuitous way, that it had been 10 years since he and Walt had worked together (if I remember correctly).  Which... wait, is that right?  Had Walt really only been sheriff for 4 years when the show started?  Which is a single term, before Branch ran against him.  I think I’d had the impression that he’d been sheriff for longer than that.  Or is my math just super borked?  (A very real possibility.)  Who were Walt’s deputies before these three?  Branch has  probably been a deputy for a while, Vic was hired a few months before the show and it isn’t clear for Ferg but it’s implied at least a chunk longer.  So who were his deputies for the rest of those 4 years?  (Aaaaaand this is how I grow OCs.  Shit.)

She names the roadkill?  Eeeeeh...

Branch, you douchecanoe.  You are very clearly not welcome in her home anymore; the fact that she hasn’t moved the spare key isn’t a fucking invitation to break in and invade her privacy, oh my gods I hate you so much.  This is predatory behavior.  You need to either go through official channels with the department to do a wellness check or FUCK RIGHT OFF into the deepest reaches of hell.  Excellent plan, fucking off.

Henry,  I adore you beyond measure.  “Thanks-taking.”  Vic... Seriously?  “God, you people really hold a grudge.”  Somehow, I think they’re kind of entitled to, what with all of the wars, genocide, stolen land, racism, broken treaties, and the like.  Get bent.

Genuinely, Henry’s dry as anything sass is quite possibly the best thing about the whole show.  We didn’t get nearly enough of it during the later seasons.  And his little smiiiiile at having made Walt chuckle, oh my heart.

The “Hands up!”  O.o  “Hands down!” little comedy gag is totally sold by KS’s face, haaaa.  And Ferg’s bafflement, but collected response to those truckers thinking he was a rentboy was solid.

I kind of have to applaud that sex worker’s gumption to just try to take off in the truck.  Not the best thought out plan, to be sure, but gutsy.

Ok, Branch has just had a line establishing that they’re not in Absaroka, and then Vic and Ferg look annoyed/confused when Walt tells them to cut the sex workers and customers loose, but then Branch finishes with, “Absaroka County wishes you all a fine evening... at home.”  So are they in Absaroka, or not??

Kudos to Walt saying, “Which will allow you to get out of here.  If that’s what you want.”  Not falling completely into the savior complex bs is good, and acknowledging that she is an adult who can make her own decisions, even if they’re ones he would wish she wouldn’t is good.  ........If only he could extend that same courtesy to his own daughter.  

Branch, wtf.  It’s a felony to even have burglar’s tools.  Legit, it’s a felony punishable with up to 3 years in prison or up to $3k, or both.  Unlawful entry is 10 years and/or $10k, and I’m pretttttyyyyyy fucking sure you don’t have a warrant to be in Cady’s house.  FUCK OFF.  You giant douchecanoe.  (Min and I also have a headcanon that the random coloured empty frames are Branch’s fault, because they don’t really go with any of the rest of the decor, and we hate them.  So we decided that when he saw the Andy Warhol style print she had that he got those for her and she just never got around to taking them down after they broke up.)  And isn’t tampering with someone’s mail a federal offence?  You are the worst.

Aaaand then Walt calls the Collettes showing Ross Lanten’s wife video of him with prostitutes “interfering in his marriage.”  Okaaaay.  Because helping get a woman and kids out of what has several hallmarks of an abusive marriage is “interfering,” I guess.  Not the happiest about that word choice, I’m not gonna lie.

Aaaaaand then Whitish is super racist, and I hate her.  Henry handles it with grace, but fuck, I cannot imagine how wearying that must be.  And Branch makes obnoxious and offensive assumptions (playing to his strengths, natch), and Henry once again demonstrates how he is also the Actual Best.

Nobody has heard from Cady recently, but the tiny little hesitation Henry has before he confirms that he hasn’t heard from her either is so good.  LDP is so good.  Just from that, it reinforces how much that bothers him, and that he’s worried, but also that he really doesn’t want to talk to Branch about any of it.

“If you do, will you let me know?”  “I most certainly will not.”  Such a classy way to basically tell Branch to fuck off and get wrecked.  

A lady threatening Henry with a knife and I should not be focusing on how great he looks in a vest, but heeeeere we are.  (I do love that brown vest.)  And even after she is drunk and rude and racist and threatens him, Henry’s look when she says that she knew the dead man still has concern and compassion in it.  Waaaaaah.

Do I remember what Walt did to his hand?  Was that something from this episode that I’m not remembering right now, or are they actually having some intra-episode continuity and that bandage is him still recovering from the start of frostbite?  [Dang it, my Xbox controller just pooped out.  Now I have to go swap it out for the other one and stick this one in the charging dock.  But I’m so cozy in bed with my jar o’ tea and everythinggggg.  Boo.]  ...  [It has been long enough since I wrote that last bit that my Xbox has shut itself down twice in the interim.  Oops.  I’m super great at focusing.]

Fuck, that “I was some place I shouldn’ta been” hits hard.  This whole seen in rough.

Aaaahaha, why is the fact that Ferg is also standing there looking at Walt when he wakes up so much funnier than if it had just been Vic?  And his little grin.  And Ruby with a mug of his toothbrush and such for Walt!  Rubyyyyy!  (Holy shit, the fact that they have this little set up is alarmingly adorable, and I heckin’ adore Ruby.)  And then she sasses Branch, and I just want nice things for her.  

Walt’s “If you want,” to Ferg came off to me more like, ‘waste your time if you want to,’ (though that could well be my own issues projected” but I’m proud of Ferg for running with it.  And I do appreciate Walt calling the sex worker a lady.

Of course, he pulls Henry into his bs, getting him to solicit a sex worker.  Why does Henry put up with him?  I’m sorryyyy, but the pointing is so awkward and I cringe so hard, but what else is he going to do, I guess?  And how does he recognize her anyway?  Did Walt take a picture of her before letting her go, or something?  It doesn’t seem like he even got her name, to pull up a picture from a rap sheet, sooo...  Why am I even worrying about it?  And at least Walt doesn’t think that it’s not rape just if it’s a sex worker.

The flashback scene sure hits hard, too.  Damn.  I’m trying to remember the last time I saw anybody other than Vic actually pull on a glove in consideration of fingerprints.  I think there might have been one time or something, but nothing comes readily to mind.

For all that I rag on Walt for just collecting his assumptions and taking them to the bank, there is heavy irony with him now laying out the reasons he’s not arresting Whitish, because there is reasonable doubt in the form of the Collettes.  

Ooooooope, and then Branch brings up Cady.  I sure this can only go really well.  Aaaaaaaaand of course Walt has one of his Longmire Epiphanies and just walks off in the middle of the conversation, such as it was.

Does a college registrar’s really have your birth certificate on file?  I’m pretty sure I didn’t have to submit a copy to mine, but I also don’t really remember?  But that seems weird.

Ah, the bandage was about the frostbite.  I appreciate the continuity.  

Hmmmmmm, Cady leaving her phone at home when she drove to CO seems unlikely.  It seems unlikely as a generality for her generation, and on practical levels (directions to the precinct and such?), and just... That’s pretty hard to buy.  If I don’t want to talk to somebody, or even a bunch of people, I’d ignore calls or even block numbers, but her not taking her phone gives the impression that there is literally nobody that she would want to talk to, and that plays into this really weird bit of characterization void that the writers fell into of Cady just not knowing any single person other than her dad, Henry, Ruby, Branch, and Ferg, and I guess Vic.  As if she just doesn’t exist outside of her relation to one of them.  She doesn’t want to talk to any of the 6 of them, so there is not a single other person on the planet who she would want to be able to talk to/have them contact her?  There’s not a single other person on the planet that she knows who if they called and said, “I have an emergency, can you talk/help?” that she wouldn’t want to be available for?  Bullshit.  The entire rest of the series when she’s onscreen is showing how much she cares.  She’s a fucking Hufflepuff, and she’s not going to leave her damn phone at home while she drives 6 hours away into another damn state.  If you so desperately need to that she’s not even seeing his call, have her leave it in her car when she goes into the Denver station.  Like, unless she has a second phone that she did take, I’m not buying it.  Even as an attempt at “she’s so caught up in her mother’s murder now, oooo, Longmire tantrum and singular focus’ characterization.  Just, boo.

[txtdiaries]

extra elongated tag game O.o

tagged by the main bitch @gohyuck​ thanku ray ily

tagging: @hi-mishamigos​ @sweetsoobinie​ and @bffsoobin​

O N E

tell me the first song that made you stan your current fave group and why did your faves attract you so much?

ummm I’ll go with three groups: txt, nct, and ateez. for txt the song was crown I think! nct (dream) was boom (even tho I stanned long before it was released, boom locked me in) and for ateez it was HALA HALA.

—

TWO

rule: answer the ten questions and write your own!

what’s your unrealistic goal for life?

to be a millionaire by like,,, 30.

if you had known that we would be in a global pandemic, what’s one thing that you would’ve done before things shut down (if they have for you)?

My heart says miss more days of school but my brain says hang out with friends more.

what’s an unconventional thing that you carry around with you when you go out?

I always carry headphones around even if I never use them when I go out, just incase.

favourite type of plushies and why?

the long, super plush kind that mold to your touch.

favourite song right now?

selfish by madison beer (not my FAV but I’ve been listening to it a lot lately).

something that you’ve always wanted to learn?

how to not be so irritated at everyone all the time lmao.

tell a funny story about yourself (or just something that you’ve witnessed)

IM A CLOWN idk if I have any funny stories per say??? my whole life is just kinda tragic. the first story that popped into my head: once in high school my best friend and I snuck out of an assembly and hid in the bathrooms because we hated our school and everyone else in it (+ couldn't leave campus cause we couldn’t drive yet), so we stayed there for the rest of the hour just playing music and hanging out in the handicap stall. not funny but shows the kinda person I was in hs lol.

headphones or speakers? why?

headphones most of the time but speakers when I’m in my room writing at like 2 a.m.

craving any food right now? what are you craving?

at all times I am craving chicken alfredo

which music streaming platform do you prefer? why?

I use Spotify!

ten questions (by raya, answered)

1. favorite item of clothing?

I really like a lot of my long trench coat jackets I have! I think they’re rly classy and pull an outfit together.

2. if you had to smell like one scent for the rest of your life what would it be?

Lavender OR the oatmeal and shea butter body wash I use bc it smells lovely.

3. favorite painter? why?

I don’t really have one.

4. what’s your favorite horror movie (and if you don’t like horror, why not?)?

Silent Hill just bc it was the first ever like, FUCKED horror movie I ever watched without my parents.

5. iphone or android?

Iphone.

6. favorite tiktok trend (and if you don’t like tiktok, you can talk about how much influencers suck)?

I don’t have tik tok nor do I like it but I REALLY like the one trend where people play i’m just a kid by simple plan in the background and recreate their kid pictures (only bc I’m a nostalgia enthusiast lmao).

7. if you could wake up with any new ability what would it be?

I’d want the ability to time travel / teleport.

8. favorite superhero/supervillain/antihero?

Peter Parker / Spiderman has been my favorite since I was a kid (Tom Holland is v cute and amazing, but my personal fav is Andrew Garfield just bc his Peter was so SOFT and patient and dorky).

9. if you could only dress in one color for the rest of your life which color would it be?

black.

10. who’s your ult and give me five reasons why.

my ult is na jaemin (he’s the literal sun, his smile is beautiful, he’s fkn weird, he’s patient, and he’s kind).

ten questions of my own:

what is your favorite movie of all time?

describe your childhood in three words?

favorite holiday?

favorite vacation spot?

what do you think of the education system? are u a fellow slave to the gpa?

what is your hair color?

what talent do you wish you had?

what is your major + why (if you’re in hs, what do you plan on majoring in)?

do you like kids or do you merely tolerate them?

any pets?

—

THREE

rule: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

AIR ༉⋆͙̈

i have small hands / i love the night sky / i watch animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see the dawn / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE ༉⋆͙̈

i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls / i play an organized sport / i love dogs / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season / my radio is always playing

WATER ༉⋆͙̈

i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love simply lit dinners and fluorescent signs / i rewatch kids shows out of nostalgia / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH ༉⋆͙̈

i wear glasses or contacts / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued advisor to my friends / i believe in true love / i love this chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER ༉⋆͙̈

i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

—

FOUR

the ultimate tag: answer whichever ones you want to because there are a lot and then tag a few blogs you’d like to get to know better!

PERSONAL

name: n/a (lol)

nickname: lana

birthday: April 19 2000

zodiac: aries bitches we ride at dawn

nationality: american (gag)

languages: English, Spanish, some Korean, some French

gender: female

sexuality: idk man. straight? I guess?? (im romantically attracted to males + females but not sexually attracted to females) god. who fkn knows.

height: 5'3 ish

BLOG STUFF

inspiration for muse: idk! music I guess. it gives me lots of inspo

meaning behind my url: I wanted to represent my blog with something really intimate and chronologically laid out, and also personal. txt for Tomorrow X Together and diaries bc diaries are where you tell your deepest secrets and for me personally the first time I ever wrote stories of my own was in my diary when I was young.

blog established: may / june ish of 2019

followers: 987

FAVORITES

favourite animals: dogs, elephants

favourite books: I have a LOT idk I love a lot of the classics

favourite colour: sea foam greenish blue / sea blue / dark coral

favourite fictional characters: theodore finch (atbp), olly bright (everything, everything), four (divergent)

favourite flower: lavender 

favourite scent: lavender, shea butter + oatmeal (I have a body wash that smells like that and oof), and uhhh the smell of fresh laundry???

favourite season: autumn, winter

RANDOM

average hours of sleep: 10 on a good day, 6 on a normal day.

cats or dogs: dogs

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: coffee

current time: 9:46

dream trip: London or SK

dream job: I’d love to work with idols / entertainers in the music industry. I’d also love to be a fashion editor / designer. 

hobbies: writing, reading

hogwarts house: slytherin

last movie watched: wicker park (funny story actually, the airport scene from wicker park influenced the final airport scene in six twenty-four, aha)

last song listened to: the scientist by coldplay

no. of blankets you sleep with: one duvet and one fluffy blanket over the top of that

random fact(s): uhhh I make up the 1% of the population that has all of: the INFJ-T personality type, red hair, and green / hazel eyes.

—

F I V E

5 things i can’t stop listening to (was 10 but I can’t think or find 10 isjfsfk)

selfish - madison beer

not mine - day6

thanxx - ateez

inception - ateez

21 - gracie abrams

[simpsonsnight]

Episode #69

WHAT THIS?

Lisa's First Word Season 4 - Episode 10 | December 3, 1992 Oh wow it’s an absolute classic Lisa’s First R-Word! This features copious flashbacks about Bart coming to terms with Lisa’s arrival within the family, as well as some other bits like *BART’S* first word, which is AYE CARUMBA after watching his parents 69, which is why they made this episode #69. No tricks here, baby! This is another firmly-considered-canon flashback episode of the show. Lisa is born in 1984, which is consistent with her age in 1992 of 8-years-old. You see? Even these “classic” flashback episodes used the sliding time scale. It takes place during the Olympics even. This has CAN’T SLEEP CLOWNS WILL EAT ME which I actually remembered from my childhood as a slogan on a Hot Topic tee, and NOT this episode. It wasn’t until much later when I rewatched the series on DVD that I was like “holy shit that came from this”. HUH! Speaking of DVD, for some reason I remembered that the DVD commentary for this episode points out that this episode ran particularly short so they had to stall for time in some bits, which I never realized until they pointed it out. The long couch gag where it turns into a chorus line that reveals various circus acts in the background. Before there was a custom in place to do intentionally-long couch gags, there was this one, which was commonly used when an episode ran short. It was used as late as season 13 just for this reason. The other elongated gags are Bart clutching the clothing line and doing flips. This was meant to be a quick gag, but they turned it into a whole scene by looping the flips a few more times, and then cutting to an alternate shot with newly-created day-for-night tinting to create the superfluous gag of him flipping into the evening. Also the nightmarish heads circling Bart (”HELLO JOE!”) was probably created to kill time, as it loops two full times. This has one of my favorite bits in the series which is the reveal that Grandpa helped Homer buy his house and in a fit of sentimentality Homer asked Grandpa to live with them, only to ship him off to an old folks home after mere weeks. Also: I didn’t cry during the episode but literally started tearing up when I found the still from it! I’m falling apart! THE B-SODE:

Rugrats: "No More Cookies" Season 3 - Episode 24B | May 15, 1994 I chose this because it features Angelica’s first word, which is COOKIE!!!! I couldn’t stomach watching this episode after finding that out; I saw the clip and it sickened me. Why oh why must she be such a cunt

[curestardust]

if you want: some more serious stuff (but also badly placed gags) / and everything else Slayers y’all know the deal by now

S01 (x) | S02 (x) | M01 (x) | M02 (x) | M03 (x)

“Slayers Try” is unfortunately one of the weakest seasons thus far rivaling even Season 01′s drastic tone shifts.

The problems start at the beginning when we actually get to the new adventure (or saving-the-world-again-part-3). The set-up itself is fun and completely fits with how the previous Slayers seasons were with some nonsense and Lina Dragon Slaving half a town. We’re introduced to a new character, Filia, who seems like the shy and wise priest character similiar to Sylphiel but is actually incredibly hot-tempered and can be pissed off with just a few words (her tenacity truly rivals Lina’s and those are big words). 

Turns out Filia is a Golden Dragon and a priestess of the Fire Dragon King who prophesied the ending of the world and thus they went on a search to find a human who can help them fight whatever was going to happen. That is, of course, Lina. There we go the usual route of nonsense, epic fights and some drama.

In my review of the previous season I specifically noted how it kept up the perfect balance between serious and comedy. Now the same reason is why this season feels disjointed. There are really unnecessary gags during scenes that are supposed to be serious and after the big mid-finale, there’s like 5 episodes of complete filler nonsense. They are fun of course but they completely destroy the built up seriousness and put the main plot completely on hold. Zelgadis even says “I guess the stupidity ends with this episode” at the end of this filler compilation and you know something is going on when even the characters make comments like that. And it wasn’t the only time, Lina actually says the line “Are we at the finale yet?!” multiple times. Seems the writers knew and tried to play it off as your typical Slayers gag but meta jokes weren’t this frequent, ever.

The second main problem is the villains. They are “Overworlders” and their physical bodies don’t actually manifest in the Human world, meaning that spells don’t work against them. You know, SPELLS, one of the selling points of the whole anime and Lina’s specialty?? They work in magic somehow but it doesn’t carry the same impact as Lina Ragna Blade-ing a 20 story Demon Boss.

Filia at the end of the anime says “I’ve done nothing so far just stood by the side and watched.” and it’s a meaningful statement in the moment but also.... uh yeah, girl. Like you literally barely did anything. There’s also a secondary kinda-sorta plot line with Xellos (a monster) and Filia (who serves the gods) and their rivalry. This is supposed to culminate in a meaningful moment in the ending when they combine their powers with Lina’s but their rivalry plotline pretty much went to the wayside after the middle of the anime. And it was mostly just them screaming and insulting each other anyway so it never felt actually serious. Speaking of Xellos though, he almost carries this season with his personality and actions and it was amazing.

If there ever was a weird ending to one of my reviews, this will be one. As, when I first started re-watching Slayers one of my main thoughts were “fish people”. Just, fish people. As a fantasy, we don’t get an explanation to the antropomorphic animals wandering about but the fish people absolutely take the cake. Imagine a fish. Now put long legs and arms on it and a human face in the front. That’s what they look like. During the filler episodes there was one that has haunted me for over 15 years. I couldn’t remember what it was about. Now that I’ve rewatched the episode I’m still just as confused and terrified as I was watching this as an 8 year old. The following picture is from this episode and I’ll provide no further explanation.

[6/10] (x)

Recommend: HELL Yeah! | Yes | Eh??? | Nope | This anime killed my parents

[ayellowbirds]

Keshet Rewatches All of Scooby-Doo, Pt. 23: “A Tiki Scare is No Fair"

("Scooby-Doo, Where Are You", Season 2 Episode 6. Original Airdate: 10/17/1970)

AKA, "Adventures In Culturally Insensitive Tourism"

This is the sole episode of Season 2 of Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! that has no musical chase segment, and the episode feels like it really drags in comparison. The content doesn’t help much. Read this recap bearing in mind that i’m an American of mostly Ashkenazic ancestry, and so i was raised with a lot of white privilege. If i make any missteps in criticizing the episode’s handling of Hawaiian culture, let me know.

The scene opens to soothing music with an evening view on an active volcano, the music transitioning into Aloha Oe as the view transitions down to a Hawaiian village where Shaggy, Scooby, and one “John Simms” are enjoying a luau. The scene is presented in the same terms Shaggy and Scooby are experiencing it: tourism aimed at a mostly white audience. Although there’s faux-conversational background noise, none of the locals are heard to speak—not to the gang, not to one another, and barely even when the episode’s villain appears. Only two Hawaiian character gets any lines, and it’s near the very end of the episode.

Shaggy’s first line sums up the attitudes informing this scenario.

After its illegal annexation as a US territory to appease the interests of white settlers, Hawaii had been a US state for barely more than a decade before this episode aired. American tourist culture—that is, white American ideas about what Pacific culture is like, filtered through the experience of tourism and material indulgence. 

Mr. Simms snaps a photo of Shaggy stuffing his face, mentioning that it’ll be great for his newspaper, and Shaggy shares his gratitude for Simms taking the gang on a tour. The episode is kind of vague as to whose dollar funded the trip; if Simms brought the gang, his reasons are never brought up, and it seems more likely they arrived by other means and that the arrangement with Simms is about being shown the sights.

In fact, Shaggy mentions plans for the following day: visiting the “ancient village of a lost tribe”, a plan the rest of the gang came up with that isn’t part of the tour Simms is conducting.

Simms warns Shaggy and Scooby that the village is haunted, and advises them to just stick to the tour and enjoy themselves.

Then the drums start. 

A poorly-animated man slides in from offscreen, stammering, “ghost drums!”

A trio of drums decorated with faces throb and pulse alone on the sand like abandoned personal massage wands, and ominous clouds move in around the volcano. The light over the whole scene turns red, and in an explosion of smoke, a masked figure appears.

I found it odd that, when mentioning this scene later on, Shaggy insists that Simms was present when this “witch doctor” appears, but he’s actually vanished when the villain shows up to declare that everyone present is “on the forbidden ground of Mano Tiki Tia!”

Now, “tiki” is a word indelibly merged with the concept of island culture in the American consciousness, most egregiously in the form of gimmicky lounge/bar drinks served in cups poorly imitating traditional carvings. It’s from a Maori word, meaning “figurine”, and as far as i’m aware, doesn’t actually mean anything in Hawaiian (though they are related languages, so maybe there’s a cognate i’m unfamiliar with). “Mano” could be any of several words depending on how you accent the vowels when writing it in English; it could mean “shark”, a source of water, or “a vast number of things”.

It’s more likely that Joe Ruby and Ken Spears just made it up to sound “Hawaiian”.

The costumed villain (who, unsurprisingly, will turn out to be a white man) vanishes, and the villagers, Shaggy, and Scooby panic. Scooby and Shaggy are separated in the confusion, and Shaggy finds himself alone.

The action cuts to the Pineapple Parlor, where Fred and Daphne dance to a jukebox while Velma kvetches about Shaggy and Scooby’s idea of fun. Remember what I was saying about the indulgent American tourist culture? The episode began with luau number 48.

Shaggy arrives in a panic, knocking down the door and surfing it across the floor to tell the others what happened in sentence fragments that don’t really communicate anything. “Shaggy, get ahold of yourself,” Fred advises.

The gang take the Mystery Machine back to the site of the luau, Shaggy and Velma arguing about “scientific facts” versus the things Shaggy saw with his own gullible eyes. As the gang arrive, Velma catches sight of an old man sitting by a statue. 

The gang get out of the van, and Velma suggests asking him, but to her surprise, he’s vanished before the others could see him. Just as quickly, a “ghost drum” appears, bouncing towards them, and circling the Mystery Machine as they gang try to hide... only to flip over and reveal that Scooby was hiding underneath it.

The gang want to find Mr. Simms, but Shaggy is reluctant, until the incentive of another luau is dangled before him. I really need to affirm that the tourist-centric concept of the luau is inauthentic, and stands as a symbol of the whole repackaging, rebranding, and sale of Hawaiian and broader Polynesian culture to white people. Shaggy’s appetite for luaus goes well beyond his usual gluttony and makes him into a living avatar of American imperialism, here motivated to save lives only by the prospect of more parties.

While searching, the gang find a newspaper with articles by Simms. They can tell this because the page Velma is reading is shown to have the name John Simms written across the entire top of the page, less of a credit and more of a headline or title for the paper itself. It also has the worst typeface choice ever made for a newspaper.

The gang want to investigate further, intending to follow the tracks into the “jungle” (guay de mi, am i glad that word is vanishing from the English lexicon), and Scooby needs convincing to use his nose to follow the scent.

This is probably the single most uncomfortable image of Fred Jones that exists, and i’m including things that can only be described with the words “rule 34″ in that.

Naturally, Shaggy falls for the temptation, and scarfs down the Snack and gets to sniffing on all fours. Scooby follows suit, reluctantly, and we get another glimpse of the old man, watching from the bushes. The gang catch sight of him and flip out, and he laughs to himself as they flee.

Seriously, though, how strong is Velma Dinkley? Get this girl into some weightlifting competitions. This particular formation hooks Shaggy and Scooby upside-down on a tree branch opposite some similarly-posed bats, evidently drawn by someone who couldn’t be zoinksed to look it up and learn that there’s only one species of bat native to Hawaii. The boys flee from the menacing red-eyed, red-eared grey-black bats and—we get another transitional wipe! Are they here to stay? 

When the gang literally run into each other again, they wind up at the feet of a giant statue, which Velma identifies as the figure of Mano Tiki Tia from the newspaper article. They’re in the “haunted” village,  strewn with human skulls and ominously sharp carvings. As the gang look around, the giant statue rotates at its base, and its eyes open to watch them.

Somehow, they don’t notice this.

They do notice the witch doctor, who chases them in the direction of a large building that is evidently still seeing use, complete with a rotating trick wall. Shaggy and Scooby are left on the outside, as a snorting shadow—very clearly a boar—approaches, and Shaggy is forced to heft a “club” in self-defense.

...what? The boar jumps out of the underbrush, followed by two piglets, bowling Shaggy over. Meanwhile, Velma drops through a trap door, and winds up in a cavernous dungeon where she spots Mr. Simm’s horribly tacky hat. She hides, just as the Witch Doctor enters, but her haypile hiding place triggers a sneeze and she has to run. 

The boys recover at the feet of the statue, where Shaggy for some reason has the utter gall to ask if Scooby is really afraid of ghosts. As Scooby gives the obvious, honest answer, a voice booms:

“MANO.... TIKI... TIA!”

Shaggy looks up to see where it came from.

Mano Tiki Tia is the biggest “monster” the gang face by far, and unless i’m misremembering things, will hold onto that status for a good long while.

He’s also really obviously mechanical, and as he gives chase, the camera lets the viewer plainly see the creaking wheels moving his feet over the ground. Hiding from him leads the boys to reunite with Velma, and the trio flee the Witch Doctor into a nearby building where they attempt to barricade the door, forming a chain to pass furniture across the room.

I’m pretty sure this is the first time we see this particular gag in Scooby-Doo, though it’s going to repeat plenty of times in the future.

A brief glimpse of Fred and Daphne’s wanderings reveals another sighting of the old man, and the scene cuts back to the chase.

You know, usually the disguises involve them throwing something else on over their clothes. This is one of the most obvious times that they would have needed to strip and throw on something else, and i really feel like that’s time that would be better spent running.

Even more astonishingly, this disguise works, and the Witch Doctor is totally fooled as “Tarzan” directs him towards “boy, girl, and dog”.

Meanwhile, Fred and Velma find a genuine clue:

A table half-covered with pearls and oyster shells. Another transitional wipe later, we get one of the few exchanges that suggest the gang have a sense of real danger, as Shaggy complains “my feet are killing me,” and Velma responds:

“It’s a good thing we slipped the Witch Doctor, or that wasn’t all that would be getting killed.”

Not that the Witch Doctor ever shows any signs of being armed or in any way capable of hurting the gang, but... wow. 

A moment later, Scooby spots a small wrecked airplane. It looks like it’s overgrown with vines—plastic, Velma notes—and there’s a laughing skeleton at the controls... manipulated by a tripwire Shaggy sets off, linked to a tape recorder hidden under a nearby shrub. 

Emboldened by the realization that it’s a fake, Shaggy uses the skeleton for some prop comedy. “Hey skinny, do you know why the skeleton went to the library? To bone up on a few things!”

Shaggy laughs at his own joke, and then the skeleton, which is no longer connected to the tripwire and tape recorder, starts laughing as well.  I’ll save you some wondering before the end: this sequence gets no explanation whatsoever as part of the villain’s scheme, and is not referenced after it concludes. We never find out how the fake plane crash plays into things, or what caused the skeleton to laugh again. 

The trio book it (that’s another library joke), and run into Fred and Daphne. The transitional wipes see heavier use as the gang continue to investigate, chasing the old man into an underwater cavern that leads back into the haunted village, and another encounter with the Witch Doctor and Mano Tiki Tia.

The Witch Doctor alternates between ominous declarations in a faux-aged falsetto, and guttural, animalistic growling, both provided by the diverse talents of the late John Stephenson, who also lends his voice to Mano Tiki Tia. The only reason i don’t complain about this casting (the many flaws aside, the showrunners had already demonstrated that they understood the idea of casting nonwhite characters with appropriate voice actors, and this was back in the dang seventies)  is that both are eventually revealed to be white dudes.

Trapped between a rock and a nutcase, the gang flee into some nearby huts. The Mano Tiki Tia statue demonstrates some decent dexterity and considerable strength, lifting up the entire small houses from the ground to look for the gang as if it were a shell game. The kids, of course, are not hidden under any of the huts, but are instead clinging desperately to the rafters of one.

The chase sequence is one of the few in which the gang seem to face a real, immediate threat of harm if caught, with Mano Tiki Tia’s fists slamming pitfalls into the ground. The contrast between the desperate nature of the chase and the many gags involving Scooby and Shaggy responding inappropriately actually make the whole scene work better, as the jokes break the tension of the action and the chase makes the jokes seem fresh rather than a constant stream. Even the canned laughter can’t quite spoil it.

Eventually, Shaggy and Scooby work together to improvise a disguise that actually scares off the Witch Doctor, shambling out of the brush as a kind of “leaf monster”. Fred’s inspired to frighten the villain even more, and formulates a trap that involves a “trick amusement park mirror from the Mystery Machine” (the what and why do they have that?) being placed to frighten the Witch Doctor right into a concealed pit.

Once again, Shaggy and Scooby foul things up in a way that catches the villain anyway, winding up on top of Mano Tiki Tia and blinding the statue so that its attempts to snag them capture its master, instead.

The statue crashes, and Fred unmasks the Witch Doctor: 

Mister John Simms?

Somewhat thankfully, the horribly racist caricature villain turns out to be white American in disguise. And the statue of Mano Tiki Tia?

How many parade floats you know that can punch holes in the ground, Velma?

Fred and Velma conclude that Simms set up the whole thing to scare villagers and tourists away so he could poach the lucrative oyster beds for pearls. “Right, Mr. Simms?”

Jinkies, not even a “meddling kids”?

As fir the old man, he appears and reveals himself as...

Um, never mind what i said about appropriate voice casting. Lt. Tomoro is unmistakably Casey Kasem putting on his more authoritative voice, sounding almost exactly like his performance as the heroic but paranoid Cliffjumper in the Transformers cartoons.

Tomoro, like Inspector Lu before him, reveals that he’d been on this case “for a long time”, and that the gang have solved the case for him—so he treats them to their final day of vacation in Hawaii.

The gang enjoy some more dancing, Scooby steals Shaggy’s poi, and the episode ends with the visiting white teenagers and their dog having saved the day by interfering in an ongoing investigation where the locals failed to accomplish anything. 

What a great message. I’d like to say the franchise gets better about this kind of thing, but, well, it’s going to be up and down for a while.

That said, there’s only two more episodes of Scooby-Doo, Where Are You! to go... maybe we’ll see if in the New Scooby-Doo Movies?

(like what i’m doing here? It’s not what pays the bills, so i’d really appreciate it if you could send me a bit at my paypal.me or via my ko-fi. Click here to see more entries in this series of posts, or here to go in chronological order)

[thats-entirely-too-much-tuna]

Notable things from Two Broken Fingers

1) Sound of Nothing gets its second mention this episode (Scott mentions it in Space Rabbit, and now we have Tina talking about it). Also, in the second episode, Bob makes some passing remark about Suzie helping out at the motel when the “music people” come to town. And Scott has Lux DuJour posters in his room. I mean, I’m not saying everything is connected, but eVeryTHing iS ConnEcTeD.

2) Tina is just constantly snacking, and as a bisexual, I can say that this is accurate representation, yes, good, I’m here for it.

3) Samuel. Motherfucking. Barnett. I’m stopping myself from going too far into detail, because this post is going to be long enough as it is. But when you rewatch the episode, every time you find yourself squealing or almost crying because of him, know that I am right here, squealing and crying with you. I will say only this: “Nothing. Fineness.” *walks away* 

4) Dirk in that shirt. 😍😍😍 His collarbone. Also, when he was leaning against the filing cabinet talking to Todd, I don’t think I’ve seen a gayer image in my life.

5) Two Broken Fingers? More like six broken fingers, know what’m sayin’? 😏 

6) Bart saying she was trying to take control of her life. Gotta love those parallels. Also gotta love her Suzie impression. But how the fuck did she get the bell, and a new outfit? “Find the lady and I’ll give you the bell. Find thE LADY AND I’LL GIVE YOU THE BELL.”

7) I don’t even know where to begin with the conversation between Tina and Farah, but I was literally scREAMING. Tina is bi. She feels that Brotzly vibe. Other sexualities remain unclear. And then later, in the car? “I like intense,” Farah Black said in a sultry tone, biting her lip as she looked out the car window, Tina gazing at her from the driver’s seat. 🙏🙏🙏Thank you, Max Landis, for my life.

8) “Heckin’ dang it.”

9) That is Them. Max, you troll.

10) Dirk to Friedkin: “Fate and chance are not mutually exclusive.” Todd to Dirk: “Fate and chance don’t cancel each other out.” 👀👀👀

11) “Was that your British accent? That was awful.” “I don’t do accents–” “No, I love it.” BURY ME, IT’S OVER. 

12) We saw the Mage use the Vensa spell at the quarry to make a dead body vanish. And that’s the spell Suzie used at the book club. So basically, Suzie poofed away all her high school friends. Suzie, wyd?

13) One of my favorite running gags on this show is ruining scenes that would otherwise be intense or dramatic by asking the questions that any sane person would ask in that situation. Dirk, you’re doing God’s work.

14) I’m intrigued by these new Dirk/Vogel parallels. For one thing, Vogel used the word “truthing”, much like Dirk’s “strategic no-truthing”. Maybe this is a thing among Blackwing subjects? Similarly, when Vogel is crying to Amanda in the tub, he says that he messed up. In the preview for next week’s episode, Dirk says the exact same thing to Todd on the phone. 

15) Alan Tudyk remains scary good, and Hannah and Osric both made me want to cry. They all took their scenes to the next level, for real.

[britneyreviewed-blog]

"Gimme More”

Dignity, Dirty Dancing, and Defending Britney Spears (Also, Conspiracy Theories)

Released 10/5/2007 Directed by Jake Safarty Rating: 3.75/5

Previous posts: “Toxic” “Womanizer” “From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart”

This blog has turned out to be darker than I expected. I guess I just didn’t pay attention when I was younger, but Britney got so much hate. I watched the infamous Chris Crocker “Leave Britney alone!” video, and honestly, it isn’t that funny in 2018. “I know it’s hard to see Britney as a human being, but trust me, she is,” he says at one point, and like, he’s not wrong. Yes, the tears are overwhelming and excessive, but when reading an article like the one by Alec Hanley Bemis I discussed last week, the vitriol is overwhelming and excessive as well; it was an absolute avalanche of derision that spanned at least a decade. I’m not sure if we are necessarily any kinder to pop stars today, but I’d like to think that we wouldn’t do that again.

I chose “Gimme More” this week because it seemed like an obvious next choice in terms of the direction of the blog. To start with, Chris Crocker made that video following Britney’s performance of Gimme More at the 2007 VMAs as a response to the huuuge backlash she received for a supposedly lackluster performance. Rewatching it as I write this blog, I honestly don’t think it’s that bad. Definitely not so bad to warrant the amount of notoriety it has and had. Critics called her listless, dazed, lumbering. Part of me wonders if they hated it so much because she wasn’t rail thin and still dared to put on a bikini. Anyway, you can watch it here if you’d like to refresh your memory.

“Gimme More” also pairs nicely with last week’s discussion surrounding “From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart.” As I previously wrote, back in 2000 Bemis was horrified that Britney had worked with a director who had formally made adult films; he predicted that she would turn into a porn star herself. Now, roughly seven years later, she was starring in a music video as a stripper! I wonder what he’d have to say about that? (Just kidding, I’d rather not know--the thought of how smug and righteous he’d be makes me gag.) 

The thing is, I think Britney is being ironic in her choice to play that role. And it was her idea! Like other music videos, the concept for “Gimme More” was Britney’s. According to the on-set makeup artist Mikal Sky, Britney “sabotaged the director by refusing to perform and follow the script,” which I find a bit strange if she came up with or at least significantly contributed to the script, and additionally according to Wikipedia Britney handpicked director Jake Sarfaty, but whatever. The point is, it seems safe to assume that Britney had some control over playing a stripper in this video, and I think it’s actually subversive. But I guess I can get more into that when I go over the video itself.

One last thing before we get started: there’s at least three different versions of this video floating around: two or three “official” versions with varying levels of censorship in terms of how much skin is shown, and a director’s cut from 2011. There’s also this really weird Internet rumor/borderline conspiracy theory about an unreleased version, which sounds interesting and something closer to what Britney herself would come up with for a video than what was released publicly. It’s something like, Britney goes to a funeral except it turns out she’s in the coffin and she’s burying her old self and starting anew, predating Taylor Swift’s zombie “The old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now” thing for “Look What You Made Me Do.” It’s believable but I found no credible sources supporting it. However, I’ll link to a YouTube video at the bottom which has leaked stills and such and builds a somewhat convincing case, although it’s poorly made and if anything just serves as an example of how intense the rumors were about the video. I’ll also link to the comparison of four different “Gimme More” videos, which features three “official” versions and the director’s cut. The "official” versions are all so similar that I didn’t have the patience to watch all the way through.

The director’s cut is similar enough, but there are some key differences: the club goers (which I will talk about below) have been edited out and replaced with shots of Britney lounging on a bed and walking down a sidewalk in black and white. It’s often referred to as the “funeral version” because these new shots were filmed for the alleged “original” version of the video. With all the rumors swirling around the filming of the video, I can see why there would be a new version released four years later, but I find these shots to be boring. They don’t contribute anything, and overall this version seems to focus on being titillating more than the official version. This is an important difference because I argue that in both the song and the video Britney is not trying to simply arouse but also to draw attention to you as a voyeur. OK, let’s just roll the video!

This song is the origin of “It’s Britney, bitch.” And honestly, while spoken word stuff in pop song usually makes me cringe, here it’s pretty badass. As the song opens, we see Britney in a blonde wig (having shaved her head just eight months prior to the release of this video) laughing with some friends at the bar. We get a quick get to Stripper Britney in a bowler hat and fishnets sitting on a couch, who says, “I see you,” and causes Blonde Britney to look over in curiosity.

I find this exchange between the two Britneys interesting. While the song can is very much about media scrutiny, she cuts out the media (and the male gaze) in the video by making it a performance dedicated to herself, from herself. I think this is one of the most subversive things about it. Blonde Britney is fascinated by and attracted to Stripper Britney--a bit heavy-handed but given the context of 2007 a poignant metaphor for loving yourself.

The video kicks off, and for the most part it’s Stripper Britney swinging around on the pole. A lot of people complained about how unsexy or unskilled her pole-dancing was, which to me is the epitome of how Britney Can’t Win, because you can bet your butts that if she’d put on a “proper” routing on the pole, everyone would be clutching their pearls over how Britney was still on the road to destruction. This was the first single that had come out since her breakdown, and so all eyes were on her.

I don’t really analyze the lyrics on this blog, because it’s more about the videos, but I think they’re really important in this case. “Feels like the crowd is saying, ‘gimme gimme more, gimme more,’” is so spot-on. While some of the lyrics point to this being a hot-and-heavy love song, to me it’s a song to the media. “Every time they turn the lights down, just want to go that extra mile for you,” sounds a bit sarcastic when the “you” is more literal--YOU, the person watching this video, the person watching this woman who just had a very humiliating year and is now performing a strip tease for you. “They keep on watching.” Her lack of enthusiasm or skill or sexiness or whatever you want to call it just draws further attention to the viewer’s voyeurstic position, and what your expectations are. More, more, more.

The first 45 seconds of the video are just Britney dancing on the pole, but the cuts are really fast and the colors change a lot, so it’s visually interesting enough.

At a certain point, she starts dancing against the nearby wall mirror, which I think only further underscores the dual concept of self-love and voyeurism. Then the bowler hat comes off for certain shots.

With her hair down, her dancing does get noticeably more suggestive, with more shots of her body, especially her butt and legs. 

It was hard to get any flattering or even clear screenshots of this video, because the cuts are so fast and both Britney the camera moves around a lot.

I think Britney with the bowler hat is an interesting choice for a couple reasons; first, on its own, it gives her a masculine appearance with clashes with the stripper aesthetic, and second, it is then juxtaposed with her long black hair flowing, which is much more feminine. It’s like she’s playing around with her appearance since she shaved her head. It gives her more flexibility and again it toys with the viewer’s curiosity--since she shaved her head, what’s under that hat? Overall, though, the video is shot in a gritty style, even in black and white at times, including her feminine shots, which further subverts your expectations of what Britney as a stripper would be. The blur effect that is frequently used obscures her body, once again making the viewer self-aware as you are frustrated by your attempts to visually consume her body.

Blonde Britney returns to the screen, still watching from the bar.

I think it’s interesting that Blonde Britney appears to gossip about the performance with her friends, laugh, and makes a face, but she’s still watching.

Then out of nowhere, this guy appears on screen!

There’s no explanation given about him--they just show his face and go back to Stripper Britney. Obviously he’s like a bar patron or something, but he serves no purpose other than I guess to hetero the place up a little bit. Can’t have Britney love herself too much without a man showing up!!

Back to the pole, where Stripper Britney is joined by other dancers.

Then the song shifts to the middle spoken word part, where Britney says, “They want more? I’ll give them more,” and she takes her top off!

Then the rest of the video cuts together all the different shots: her dancing alone with her top on, dancing alone with her top off, and dancing together with all the other dancers. The last minute of the video is pretty unremarkable, just a repeat of what we’ve seen before. Britney seems to be having fun, and there’s a couple nice shots of her smiling, particularly when Danja says in the outro, “The legendary Miss Britney Spears.”

The random man from before shows back up, again just for a few seconds, this time not even seeming to be watching Britney at all. I think these shots build the strongest case for that alternate unreleased version, because they seem so out of place. 

The final shot is of Blonde Britney, still laughing, but still watching.

This is a great song. I remember finding the chorus a bit annoying when it came out, but now I think it’s quite good. On top of that though, the verse melody is a jam. The synth production is dark but still poppy. And I like the video, too. I can understand some criticism of it, but I think the layered meaning intended or not really saves it. However, it’s still really repetitive and the visuals get old fast, and regardless of what the truth is about the funeral version or not, there’s something off about the way the crowd is shown in relation to Britney. Because of that, I give this video a 3.75 out of 5.

After all that, I want to do something a little more light-hearted. The more I research for these videos, the darker this stuff gets, so I could use a week off. Stay tuned next week for “Criminal.”

Resources “Gimme More” official music video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elueA2rofoo Comparison of four different versions of “Gimme More”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjTrfPVGsZs “Gimme More: The Story of the Unreleased Video”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTKtgqfm3Sc

[a-little-blonde-distraction]

So this has been sitting in my Google Drive for literally half a year, and I’m only publishing this because I’m lost in YouTube and rewatching WatchCut’s “Truth or Drink” series. Their “Exes Play Truth or Drink” video is what inspired this, so if the format seems weird, give the vid that inspired it a look-see (the parents and children ones are also hilarious).

C: So do we have to take a shot to start?

K: It would probably be conducive to the video, love.

C: Wet the whistle?

K: Loosen the tongue.

C: Ugh, okay, I’ll do vodka.

K: Alright, pour the whiskey.

C: *clinks his shot glass* Bottom’s up. *takes shot*

K: I can only hope. *takes shot*

C: *chokes on his answer*

K: *laughs uproariously*

(Caroline reads:) Do you regret going out with me?

K: I don’t think the question is fair because I don’t believe that we actually ‘went out’ by modern terms... But the one time I actually ‘took you out on a date’ I do not regret it. At all.

C: Even though I was hosting the pageant and was a total nightmare.

K: Oh you were a complete nightmare, but it was rather endearing.

C: *shoves him* Ohmigod, shut up.

(Klaus reads:) What are the things I do that annoy you?

C: You act like you know so much more than everyone else, and you know you do and you don’t hide it...

K: Well, take a moment to think about it, you answer so quickly...

C: ...When you’re mad or you’re frustrated, you tilt your face down and make that murderface...

K: Such a difficult question for you to answer...

C: I mean, I could go on, but I don’t want to keep these nice people here all day...

K: Bloody hell...

(Caroline reads:) If we were the last two people on earth would we become lovers?

K: I’d like to believe so...

C: Of course you’d like to believe so...

K: What, are you saying we wouldn’t?

C: That... is not the question at hand, sir.

K: Being the last two people on the planet Earth means you’d have no excuses for avoiding me, love...

C: Seriously? You’re so full of it! Stop smirking!

K: It’s alright, love, keep avoiding the notion.

C: I am a modern woman, I don’t need a man to fulfill my needs.

K: Oh, well then...

(Klaus reads:) I dare you to kiss me on my mouth. To get out of it (for either of you) take a shot.

C: Yeah, I’ll take that shot of vodka, now...

K: You’d honestly rather take a shot of straight liquor than kiss me?

C: Vodka... now.

K: *slowly pours drink* The card doesn’t say it has to be a long kiss, sweetheart.

C: You know what they say, “Give the man an inch, and he’ll take a mile...”

K: You know me so well.

C: *takes shot*

(Caroline reads:) How long did it take you to get over us and what did you do to help yourself get over it?

C: I can answer that! He moved away, got a girl pregnant, found a long lost sister!

K: This wasn’t your question, love!

C: But it’s true!

K: No it’s not.

C: You liar, it is!

K: Not in that order.

C: Oh please.

K: I think you should have to take a shot for being flippant and answering my question.

C: You wouldn’t have answered it! You like pretending it didn’t happen, you totally would’ve taken a shot...

K: So it’s only fair that you take the shot for me, love. *fills shot glass*

C: I hate you so much. *takes shot*

(Klaus reads:) Do you remember our anniversary?

C: We don’t have an anniversary.

K: *holds hand over heart and scoffs* You cut me to the quick, love!

C: What are you talking about?! We don’t! We never technically dated!

K: I think, arguably, we became something on your 18th birthday...

C: What planet do you come from?! You think we became a thing the night of my 18th birthday when you had my boyfriend hurt me?

K: There was a moment.

C: And that’s the date of our supposed ‘anniversary’...

K: I mean, I know you think I sit in my closet praying to a shrine of you, sweetheart, but I don’t. But if I had to peg a date, that would be it.

C: You’re so stupid, I swear.

(Caroline reads:) Do you facebook stalk me?

K: No.

C: LIAR!

K: I do not!

C: You so do!

K: You can’t stalk someone on facebook if you don’t have a facebook!

C: So not true, and you so do!

K: How could you possibly know that?

C: Because Rebekah would not start randomly liking old photos of mine.

K: I don’t know what you’re talking about, love.

C: Liars should have to take a shot.

(Klaus reads:) Did you ever cheat on me? If you did, why did you?

C: Again, we weren’t technically in a relationship, so no.

K: Technically true.

C: And if we had been, I wouldn’t have because I’m not a cheater.

K: She’s a good girl.

C: I’m all in or all out. I’m a one guy at a time kinda girl.

K: Don’t I know it.

(Caroline reads:) If you could erase every thought of me would you?

K: *pauses, with a smirk, then reaches for the whiskey bottle and nudges it over to her*

C: Awww, you’d rather take a shot then just answer the question?

K: Yes, I think that whiskey is a particularly good year, you can feel free to pour that at any time, love.

C: *pours the shot* Is it because you’re afraid I’ll judge you.

K: I know you’d judge me in either case, love, so I have nothing to be afraid of. *takes shot*

C: That is very astute of you.

(Klaus reads:) Have you gotten jealous about the people I've dated since you?

C: Nope.

K: Oh really.

C: Really.

K: Really.

C: Really.

K: Bollocks.

C: Really! I’m not jealous of the baby mama, and what’s the point of being jealous of a cheap knock off of yourself?

K: *scoffs*

*voice off camera murmurs “Shots fired...”*

(Caroline reads:) Who is better in bed?

K: *smirks and reaches for liquor bottle*

C: Look! Look at him! He’s such a jerk! See, he’s taking a shot so he doesn’t answer with words, but then he makes a face like that! Thing Number 83 Klaus does that annoys me.

K: You mean I haven’t broken 100 yet, sweetheart? *feigns hurt, then takes shot*

C: Listen, you arrogant little jerk, I have it on good authority that I’m very good...

K: And I have over a thousand years on you, love.

C: I am told I am very good in bed and I am probably better than you.

K: Well, we’ve never been in a bed, so I can’t speak to that, sweetheart.

C: ...

K: *smirks*

C: ...

K: ...

C: Next question.

(Klaus reads:) Do you still own anything of mine?

C: *reaches for whiskey bottle*

K: Oooh, that means you do have something of mine!

C: That means... I’m reaching for the bottle and you’re going to pour me a shot.

K: Let’s see, you threw the bracelet I gave you at my feet, so it’s not that...

C: Yep, I think I’ll try some of that whiskey...

K: *pouring shot* I heard something about a shredder, so I think the drawing is out...

C: It’s probably not a good idea for me to be mixing liquors, but what the hell... *takes shot*

K: I’m guessing the blue ball gown or your prom dress or quite possibly both.

C: Whew! It burns!

K: Let’s be honest here, you kept both dresses, didn’t you?

C: God, I should’ve stuck to vodka.

(Caroline reads:) Is there anything you want to apologize for?

K: ...Is there anything I should apologize for?

C: Again, we don’t want to keep them here all day.

K: Oh come off it!

C: Um, hello? Stabbing me, for one...

K: I did apologize for that.

C: ...Compelling my boyfriend....

K: Siring isn’t the same thing as compulsion, love.

C: ...Putting mine and my friends’ lives in jeopardy, repeatedly...

K: You and the Scooby Gang came after me and my family too, love. Let’s let bygones be bygones.

C: I’ll take you drinking as an apology so you don’t have to say the words.

K: Fine... *pours whisky and takes shot*

C: Thank you.

K: Bloody extortionist.

(Klaus reads:) Am I a better lover than who you're currently with? Be honest.

K: Allow me to pour the shot for you.

C: Just read my mind there, didn’t cha?

K: *pours shot* Well you drinking keeps you from having to lie and me insisting you tell the truth.

C: *sighs* You’re such a jerk... *takes shot*

(Caroline reads:) What do you miss most about us?

K: *gazes at Caroline in silence*

C: ...

K: ...

C: ...

K: I miss talking and learning new things about you and...your laughter.

C: You’re so drunk, right now, I cannot even.

(Klaus reads:) Do I ever pop into your head when you're masturbating?

K: *wiggles eyebrows and smirks*

C: *reaches for the vodka bottle* These questions are rigged!

K: Just a random shuffle, love.

C: I’m going to get alcohol poisoning...

K: Impossible, but if you answer the question, you don’t have to do the shot, sweetheart.

C: *gazes at shot and chokes down a gag*

K: You answer and I’ll take the shot for you...

C: ...

K: ...

C: ...

K: ...

C: ...

K: ...

C: ...........sometimes.

K: *smirks and reaches for her shot* You know... you could call me... *takes shot*

C: No! That’s me time!

K: *nearly chokes on liquor then sniggers*

C: *giggles*

(Caroline reads:) Where do you see us in the next 10 years?

K: Well I hope we’d have graduated from singular masturbation to at least phone sex...

C: *smacks him* Don’t be an asshole!

K: Well... I honestly don’t know then... but I know where we’ll be eventually...

C: That’s a crappy answer and you need to take another shot. *pours him a shot*

K: As you wish, love. *takes shot*

(Klaus reads:) I dare you to take a body shot off me. To get out of it take two shots.

K: *wiggles eyebrows again*

C: Seriously?! *snatches card from him, rereads, then sighs* Fine...

K: “Fine” what?

C: Fine, I’ll do a body shot.

K: You will?!

C: That’s what I said!

K: You wouldn’t kiss me on the lips, but you’re prepared to do a body shot off of me?

C: I’d rather do one shot than two.

K: *stands with a scoff* Hard to argue with that logic... *pulls henley off*

C: *readies tequila* Who’s got the salt and lime?

K: *lays down on table* Although...

C: *gets salt and lime from off camera*

K: This would suggest that you’d rather lick my body than kiss me, which implies a lot more than a lingering kiss would in my opinion.

C: Would you shut up and let me do it already!? *puts lime wedge in his mouth, salts his stomach, dribbles tequila carefully down his chest* Okay, here goes... *licks salt, licks up tequila trail up Klaus’s torso then takes lime from Klaus’s mouth with hers*

K: *slowly sitting up and getting back to his seat* So much better than a kiss...

(Caroline reads:) Describe our first date

K: Only a little different from what just happened...

C: *smacks him with the cue card* Stop trying to be funny and just tell the truth! Gaaaawd...

K: We went to a high school beauty pageant...

C: Excuse you, you’re forgetting the part where you blackmailed me into a date...

K: Sweetheart, you failed geometry and apparently English, because “blackmail” is not you offering up a date in exchange for one of my hybrids to sacrifice for a friend.

C: Yeah... well... you blackmailed me into it being my date to the Miss Mystic Falls pageant, which I just happened to be hosting as the incumbent Miss Mystic and was not in any state of mind to have a rain check date...

K: In any case, I was the reigning Miss Mystic’s escort and I did rather well...

C: *sighs* You did... out of all the things that went wrong that day and drove me insane, your company was not one of them...

K: Just admit it.

C: I just did!

K: No, admit you actually enjoyed it. You enjoyed going on a date with me.

C: I... did not despise being on a date with you.

K: So you...

C: ...

K: ...

C: ...

K: ...

C: ...I enjoyed going on a date with you.

K: *smirks*

C: Shut up.

(Klaus reads:) Do you still love me?

C: You’re making that up, that’s not the last question!

K: *turns the card over for her to read*

C: Shit.

K: Language!

C: Bite me.

K: She gets so testy when she’s drunk...

C: *groans and hangs head*

K: So... truth or drink, love?

C: *slowly lifting head* I mean, the “still” implies that I loved you in the first place...

K: *reaches for liquor* Mhmm...

C: Which is just crazy when you look our history...

K: *pouring shot* “Having history” as in a relationship...

C: *scoffs* Barely! The basis of our relationship is LITERALLY a failed attempt at sacrificing me, nearly killing me on purpose TWICE, and you inserting yourself between me and my boyfriend...

K: *nudges shot towards her* Truth or drink, love.

C: ...

K: ...

C: ...

K: *nudges shot towards her*

C: ...

K: ...

C: *sighs* There’s a part of me... that will always love you.

K: ...

C: *sighs* There! I said it. Are you happy?!

K: ...Incandescently.

C: ...

K: *smiles softly*

C: ...

K: ...

C: *leaps across the table and practically ravages Klaus*

K: *is barely able to hold his own, but eventually turns the tables as he ironically pins her to the table*

*voices off camera murmur and throats clear*

*after a few minutes a voice awkwardly says, “Uh, guys? Guys...”*

*another voice says, “Oh please, like we all didn’t see that coming...”*

Fin