#like my ed in the past or subby obedient cishet sex w men i hate or anything that related to child abuse
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#im trying to come to terms w things like abusing kindness & getting cheated on & getting told im not loved anymore and that i should move on#trying not to think abt how it reminds me of my past trauma that they're fully aware of#i feel heavy n numb n nauseous#i love them sm that my first instinct was to ignore the still ongoing cheating and obsess over how they dont love me anymore#trying to figure out why and when and how my best wasnt enough bc thats easier to deal with and think abt vs cheating#what if they didnt mean it tho? but it's irrelevant ig bc theyve completely rejected me and it's clear they dont want me around anymore#maybe ill get angry soon. ive always been slow to anger but i dont think i can ever be mad at them :( this hurts#how do i heal from this? painfully painfully painfully slowly#but what bothers me is that there are many things ive never fully healed from that still trigger me when brought up#like my ed in the past or subby obedient cishet sex w men i hate or anything that related to child abuse#this was arguably my longest relationship & they were my bestest friend for years. i cant see myself fully healing from this#ill try to be ok#my heart hurts but i have to try :(#ill go back to regularly reblogging stuff bc maybe thatll help distract me from all this angst#my eyes hurt n im tired of crying anyway#i wonder if they cried over me too :(#vent tag
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