#like man i didnt even really care about him that much nor am i invested in his bromance with alfonse

[didsomeonesayventus]

Holy shit they really did just straight up kill zacharias i cant believe this

[tayegi]

i have so many theories right now...what if the guys are just trying to win a bet set on the oc? or maybe jk just doesn’t realize he likes the oc and mistakes his own actions as platonic ones? also, as readers, we see the story through the oc’s eyes so we focus on that angst part at the end of chap9, but then again, the oc has stated multiple times to hoseok and so many people that her and jk would never be more. whatever she went trough there, jk could have been trough the same a million times.

ahhhh you guys are the best!!! srsly i am so honored to have so many thoughtful, lovely, incredible asks theorizing about the plot and what jk’s intentions are!!! i would love to respond to each and every one of them, but unfortunately, i am unable to confirm or deny anything!

But i think these are super interesting and i’ve read all of them, and i’d love it if other ppl did as well! MORE ASKS UNDER THE CUT: 

Anonymous said:I know Hoseok wasn’t in this chapter but I feel like Hoseok is gonna play her like jk did and she’s gonna be left in the dust with no one and resort to being even more icy. Jungkook has a lot of problems and it’s really evident that he likes her in that way. Fuckbois are really something else man. They get scared of affection yet lead girls on and make them scared of it. It’s like a constant cycle of insecurity. Damn I wish she was with jimin. He would’ve provided all the love and affection

Anonymous said:lmao why is everyone assuming jk will never change and that he’s going to be an Evil Fuckboi™️ forever. like, we can see how the oc changed throughout the story, so why y’all thinking jk can’t do the same. the story isn’t over, there is more to learn, and the oc and jk have more development to go through. anyway, deep in my heart I’m hoping they’ll get a happy ending 💜

Anonymous said:Why do I get the feeling that Jungkook has slight romantic feelings towards the oc but his fear of not wanting to get hurt outweighs those thoughts. I don’t know though I might be completely off😫Thank you for the update!

Anonymous said:I tried reading the story in JK's POV and I cant help but feel as if he isnt the one at fault for making OC cry. Yes, he rejected her but he's known as a fkboy. He stated clearly that he didn't want a relationship, he thought OC knew that clearly. Thus he thought they were just friends. All the things he said was misinterpreted into a romantic way cause people kept forcing OC to view their relationship romantically. I felt that if ppl didnt do that, OC wldnt have developed feelings for him.

carlyangel123 said:Ok everyone is saying that Jungkook hasn't changed at all and I'm not saying like oh yall wrong or anything😂. But I think, based on Jungkook's showcase of clinginess and affectionate actions through the past chapters, that he HAS fallen for the OC. However, bc of his past (not wanting to go through another possible heartbreak), his assumption the OC would never like him, and just maybe insecurities that he's denying it and forcing himself to be indifferent like the OC did in the beginning.🤔🤔

Anonymous said:Nah nah nah nah lu i refuse to believe that everything jungkook did was all platonic but through oc’s eyes we saw as romantic. Im trying to remember everything he’s done for her and trying to see it from a platonic pov but i cant. So here’s my conclusion: jk likes oc but during the car ride and seeing his hand in hers he had a realization and became fearful of being hurt like he was before. Thats why he put his barriers up again CUZ LIKE HOW COULD THAT BE THE SAME JK I JUST ALDJSKAHALA

Anonymous said:Jin was an ass who only wanted sex, cheated on y/n and didn't care for her, many people think that Jk may've gone through something similar with his ex, but I think JK's ex was totally different, she was in fact... the opposite. Possessive, wanted to be with jk all the time, didn't let him breath, etc... That's why he doesn't want a relationship, he suffered the opposite extreme of what the oc suffered with jin, also this would mean the oc is the complete opposite to jk's ex aka why he likes her

Anonymous said:i’m analyzing NR again and just a theory of my own: jk’s relationship with his ex girlfriend started as a fwb type and jk was the one to develop feelings first, and at first it was good and then severely went downhill? this theory is probably far from correct, but i was just piecing together the fact that he hates hookup culture, but is able to engage in it with OC, maybe jk just wanted the physical emotion or OC reminds jk of his ex? anyways i’m enjoying the story so so much! best wishes lu 💜

Anonymous said:Wait so like OC got reminded of Jin when she met JK, so I thought that maybe JK saw himself in OC? Bc sometimes they REALLY think alike.. Idk man I just had this idea.. I LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH LU HAVE A NICE DAYYYY–❄️🐰

Anonymous said:I've been thinking about oc's relationship with seokjin and jk's with his ex gf. We don't know anything about her except two things: the oc reminded jk of her (as jk reminded her of seokjin) and the "don't leave me like she did" he said while drunk. If seokjin helped oc build who she is and what she wants in a relationship, we could say that maybe jk wants something that lacked in his previous relationship, like emotional support or a caring hand. It matches oc's Ice Queen reputation a bit to me

Anonymous said:Omg jks roues are definitely along the lines of “dont fall for anyone”

Anonymous said:so like, i feel as tho hyejin plays a more important role than we’re realizing. why does she seem so obsessed with jk if everyone knows he’s a fuckboy who doesn’t do relationships? why does she think she’s different? why does she think she has a chance? unless they already have a history we don’t know about...?? 🤔

Anonymous said:Personally, I wasn‘t that surprised about Jungkook not feeling the same way as OC. I don‘t blame him, he was honest from the very beginning with her. At the same time, I cannot blame OC either for feeling the way she does. Hookup culture leads you to believe that the person you‘re sleeping with should not care for you. I assume that OC interpreted the signals from JK in the wrong way, and thought he might love her when, in reality, he does care about her, but not in the way she wants. (1) ☀️

Anonymous said:JK has found smn he can talk to, and share smth else beyond sex. At the very end, I think OC might be the one who will push him outside his shell but not necessarily be the one he will fall in love with. (2)☀️

Anonymous said:I feel like oc and Jungkook might be on the same wavelength but because Jungkook clearly hasn’t gotten over his ex and whatever happened he might be pushing oc away. Plus the fact he even wants to stay friends with her is quite sweet in itself. It shows he genuinely cares about her, but probably isn’t ready to have any sort of relationship. You haven’t mentioned him having any female friends either so all of that skinship he does with oc might just be his way of being friendly??

Anonymous said:I feel like Jungkook is not over his ex and maybe he will end up with her, maybe he really does like the OC for the sex and the friendship. That's all.

Anonymous said:What if JK still likes his ex? :O

Anonymous said:Hummm sometimes I feel like in the end they're just going to be experiences for each other. I mean the OC and JK, maybe they will have none relationship at all, not friendship nor fuck buddies nor bf and gf...

dodoesdidwill said:Hyejin's line "You are really good at skating. I'm amazed" what? No way he was practicing after OC took him to skate, right? There must be something we don't know yet...

Anonymous said:Ok, if "New Rules" has taught me anything, it's to NOT judge a book by its covers. I judged Mijoo too harshly & things weren't as they seemed. Not repeating the same mistake with Kook. He was obviously hurt by someone in the past, just like the OC. Sooo... Maybe OC is not the only one with new rules? Maybe Kook was so hurt, one of his rules is to not fall in love again, or to ever put himself in a vulnerable position to be hurt again? Idk but I don't think he's that much of a dickwad

Anonymous said:Okay, so you said that we've been seeing JK through the OC's perspective and that we need to sort through the facts and her assumptions. What the anon who talked about JK having FWBs for the intimacy said really made sense to me and I thought about the fact that, if my memory serves me correctly, we've only seen JK with the OC. We have no way of knowing how he's acted in other FWB relationships. Maybe this is how he's been with all of them??? I dunno.

Anonymous said:i think new rules! jk likes OC too. this thing going on between them isn't just platonic. but the problem is, he really doesn't want to invest in a relationship, as some sort of defense mechanism (kind of like repression maybe?) i can't wait to find out more about his past and see exactly how it's correlating with his actions rn. I'm super hooked in your story lu! you never fail to deliver as always 💜

Anonymous said:I think jk is just as scared of what he feels for oc as oc is scared of what she feels for jk. Like I think oc already went through a ‘I need to protect myself from my feelings for him’ phase and I think jk is going through that now after their time at the hotel. I think he realized that he likes her a lot more than he realized and after coming back he’s trying to shut his feelings so he doesn’t go through whatever happened with his ex again

Anonymous said:JK said he hated hookup culture yet he partakes in it. My theory is that he might've done the same as OC has now done. Maybe had a sort of fwb relationship with his ex and subsequently fell for them, and they broke his heart. But again, idk if that's enough for someone to want to abstain from romantic relationships forever, though it does depend on the person. I'm probably wayyyy off but it's worth a shot :')

[masterserris]

the rise of skywalker = good

spoilers under cut you were warned

we love sheev the movie

best movie? no. room for improvement? yes. a really good movie overall and the characters were good and made overall good/decently logical choices? absolutely.

 fin good. i love him. and the obvious hint he can use the force is 10/10 he did so much work in this movie. i like poe/fin or rey/fin. or all three together, fuck it, they all hugged in the end anyways

poe is good he’s a good boy him and finn are so good. poe gets a lot of development and care and we love that he struggles but loves his friends and wins in the end by believing in others to come. (he did think they lost but only for a second. he was proven right that people would come. thanks lando we appreciate you here.)

rey is amazing and her growth/struggle is great i love that she’s a palpatine that’s so metal. and she stays good oough yess. palpatine wins in the end? or at least A palpatine? the only survivor? no more sith OR jedi. just. rey palpatine and any other new force users like fin. FINALLLY, evil wins! kinda lmao hahhaahhaha

i like how technically the series stared with palpatine and ended with rey. 

it started with a slave child in the desert (anakin) who became dark, and ended with a child soldier in the dark who became light at the end (ben)

-

the sheev-ening. we love emperor step peppers. he’s so good in this. force storm ya’ll!! 

“hiS pLaN MakEs nO sEnSe!!1!”

shut tf up. either he possesses rey once she killed him, or he sucks the life outta her and restores himself once he found out about that bond power with ben or force healing whatever it was if she refused (like he did), or just kills her and sends his troops out to take everything over like. that’s not a bad plan bro. he wins either way. the only reason he lost is because the dummy killed himself with his own force lighting (AGAIN, DIDNT YOU LEARN FROM EPISODE 3 OLD MAN????). she did not strike him down, she defended. he killed himself, technically. she pulled a luke in that sense. it was not the jedi way. (though i guess by the end she is neither sith nor jedi)

plus he made an armada in secret the man was geared for success and had access to cloning tech too, as shown by snoke. if he couldnt have rey, he would have cloned himself or some shit. he has space voodoo, the man is scary and i love him for it. 

-

ben was. ok. kylo was much more intimidating and straight forward with his actions at least. and ben switching sides made sense. what i didnt like was his ending very much. why tf did he and rey kiss????? they were enemies for 2 and 3/4 movies. they didnt even speak until he showed up to help fight palpatine. 

there is a bit of tension but not romantic whatever, he just poofed once he resurrected rey anyways. rip all skywalkers 2019

she is an adopted skywalker and that’s nice.

side tangent bc i’ve been seeing some fans crying over ben’s death, which i get it if you are a big fan of him:

((i guess i was just way more invested into rey as a character than ben solo. he was. there. he was alright, i could see the struggle but the tone-shift from TLJ really threw things wack and i just ended up not caring too much when he died unforntuately. i wish i did more. i mean it was sad, it would have been neat if he lived, but i kinda saw it coming as soon as rey “died”

im like, oh, he’s gonna climb up bc of course he’s fine and then save her since he saw her use force healing, so he’s gonna try it. he’s resurrecting the dead so it’s either gonna kill him or really make him weak. we got the former so. yeah. it was anticipated kinda. leia dying was much more emotional for me i guess. the love between her and her son was way more impactful than ben and rey. 

like i said!! they were enemies for so long!! he tried to reach out, but he was a slimey dark side bitch who was trying to convert her and she knew it and wasnt down with that shit!! that aint romantic ya’ll!! christ! he was only good for 20 minutes before he died and they didnt even talk before he just showed up! if they had more time really getting into it and if he was good and reached out to her to talk, that would have been way better and more convincing is all im saying. 

sure they fought together on snoke’s ship and talked, but it was still very. scary for rey. and then he attacked her friends and rebellion again! bitch, why did she kiss him!?

nothing against reylo shippers, i really dont care, that’s your business, i personally enjoy fin/rey much more, im just saying it seems forced in this situation. they tried to kill each other so many times. that’s animosity, not love.))

WHERE WAS ANAKIN AND OBI FORCE GHOST UGH. at least we got all of the voices of the jedi past helping rey in the climax that was awesome (including jin, obi, yoda, anakin, luke, leia, ect)

yeah also rip leia. she should have died in the second movie but she was good in this and it really hit the feels since carrie is... dead for real.

luke was good in this!!!! helpful boy!!! nice boy!!! i liked the flash back to when he trained leia it was so sweet to see them young again, if only for a moment.

the han solo scene was good ough my heart. 

all of the character’s choices were overall good and made sense in the scheme of things, everything was streamlined bc it had to be.

it kinda felt like 2 movies crammed into 1 but it kinda worked and that makes sense bc of TLJ’s.... choices and changes in direction. 

i dont think this movie was a train wreck. it’d place it as my 3rd fav star wars movie. for now, i may shift things around but you get the idea.

my current rankings so far for main line live action sw movies 

(rogue one would be at 4 along with revenge of the sith and i didnt care enough to see solo.)

1. empire strikes back (obvious pick)

2. a new hope (luke is best boy)

3. rise of skywalker (as listed above)

4. revenge of the sith (clone wars show really got me to like older anakin. and obi is just. 10/10 in general. speaking of generals, i love grievous. and commander rex. rip all clones and jedi tho. F)

5/6. return of the jedi/force awakens (about even) 

[the thing about return of the jedi is that the ending whole section with the death star and vader and palpatine and the struggle against jabba were really good! it just a lot of other stuff is... meh in the film]

7. the last jedi (sorry had to do it to ya. also rip Phasma)

8/9. phantom menace/attack of the clones (ya’ll know why)

im so glad im rewatching the clone wars show it was so good and oughghghg so good. i love the clones so damn much and everyone so much

star wars good ya’ll

anyways, i already loved palpatine and im just wildin’ right now we love a emperor. a queen. a bad bitch you cant kill. just vibin. like damn, iconic. he said “do it” and everything. a meme legend and godsend

in sheev we trust. you belong with sheev. real sheev hours. the sheev-ening. palpatine-ception. you name it, we vibe with it

NOW I WANT A NICE AU WHERE THE CHARACTERS LIVE AND PALPATINE IS JUST A GRANDDAD. scary but nice granddad to rey or some shit. anakin is still around, they are all still around. just silly fun alright?

LMFAO ROTTEN TOMATOES PUTS IT AT A 56% BUT HAS AN AUDIENCE RATHING OF 86% WTF LMFAOOOO THESE PEOPLE ARE HACKS

the reverse of TLJ and i can see why the stupid irony lmFAO

the “thank you rian johnson” tag trending on twitter is wack and it’s dumb. his movie was dumb ya’ll. that’s my take and im not alone. im not some crazy hardcore fan either nor do i care that much about the politics or what ever. the characters in TLJ made REALLY dumb decisions that got their butts kicked and people killed over and over and it was not fun to watch everyone being dumb and dying, alright? wack. bad vibes. 

i didn’t care for the “thank you jj abrams” tag either bc both tags ended up just being one taking pot-shots at the other and it was full of nasty vibes. just a lot of negative bullshit and only a few good comments just saying what they liked about those movies. i appreciate when people just say they like something. even if it’s something i PERSONALLY dont like, it’s neat to see. but when people bitch and moan, even if i agree personally, it isnt that fun. it’s annoying as hell, esp if it’s mostly unfounded or just repeated a million times.

like months later, or also about something from years ago, people still havent shut up about it. that’s when i get pissed off. like, sure, hate something. say you hate it, whatever. your blog your platform, go off queen, but then shut up please and dont drag it out forever. people dont like negativity so expect people to leave your ass behind if you keep at it. or get blocked or whatever. 

negative shit all the time just aint a good look is all im saying. just love what you love and show it. it’s nice. the good part about fandoms is sharing love for media.

but hey, it’s your life. you do whatever, who am i to say anything?

[serenebeginning-blog]

Maybe

Maybe I need to take a step back and reevaluate my life as a whole. Maybe I shouldn't be with anyone. Maybe I need to distant myself from people completely. I do more harm than good. I don't want to exist anymore. I really don't, there's no benefit to having me around at all.

Neither of my dads want me

Other than my mom the rest of my family doesn't want me either

Friends don't stay long, I wonder why....

The man I lost my virginity to stopped speaking to me after, I thought I did the right thing, I waited, I waited til I was 18 and he and I were together and had been speaking everyday for almost a year, but then we did and dropped me like I was nothing. No contact there after. That shattered me.

Then we have my second serious boyfriend, who I started dating at 18, I had liked him for 5 years prior to this, I thought everything had fallen into place. I told him about my ex, he said we should wait and if we have sex it won't be for awhile

We had sex 4 days after our first date

And then that's all it was

But then again

That's all I'm good for

Right?

This went on for awhile, towards the end of it all, I was on the pill the whole time and we decided it'd be okay to go without condoms

I didn't get my period the next month

That's never happened while on the pill

I told him I feared that I was pregnant as I was having a lot of symptoms and didn't know what to do

He broke up with me

Because who in there right mind would want to have contact with me for 18 years

I couldn't breathe

Did I just get used for sex by the only two men I've ever had sex with?

I really thought I was pregnant, no period discharge, boobs were swelling, my nipples would get beat red for no reason, headaches, nausea, throwing up, heighten sense of smell, you name it

I didn't get my period for four months

It was so heavy I've never had clots and bleeding like that.

Ever

I always wondered if I had miscarried and that eats away at me almost everyday

I always wanted to children and if that was my only way to ever have one and I lost it

Maybe I am not deserving of it

Anyways

After all that, I wanted a change, I needed a change. I dyed my hair, I got a bunch of piercings and tattoos, went out, dated a lot of guys (not sleep with) tried to find myself but even now I don't know if I ever have.

Then we have my ex of 3 years, I never had an attraction to him, never wanted to be with him. Somehow someway he got me to come over so we could hang out.

We had sex, that was the first time I had sex having met someone for the first time, I don't really remember much about the situation, he didn't hold me down or force me but I didn't want it, I went numb and he was just on top. I cried so hard on the way home, or well my cousins house because I couldn't be a lone after that. Someway or another, maybe it's because I'm not the one stand type, he and I still stayed in contact, he was a place for me to go, I wasn't happy at home, but I also wasn't happy with him either. The sex wasn't good, and his house was disgusting. His family was nice, I love them and always will even if his mother hates me for breaking his heart. I never said I love you to him he would say it and I would just say aww or smile and kiss him. I can't lie, especially not about love and whom I love. The 3 years we were together not once did I mention him at home nor did he meet any of my family. I cared about him because at one point it was just habit i was at his house more than my own. But this past year I felt as though even though I invested so much time with him, I didnt want my life to go to waste. I'm in deep but not that deep. I cannot build a life with this man, he has no goals to better himself. For months I tried to encourage him to do better, nothing. I left, and clearly it was because I was a whore fucking around. Not because he's a loser.

Then we have Mike, wasn't attracted to mike at all, he had been trying to get with me since I was 16 and he was 24 and then at the end of 22 and the end of my longest relationship, he and I started conversing and i iniated us hanging out, we had a lot in common and he made me happy, sort of, he made me feel not alone, I haven't been without male companionship since I was 15. So maybe I don't understand being alone, but anyways we hung out a few times and then he kissed me, and then we were a thing. I wasn't sure if that's what I wanted but again I'm not sure how to be alone either so I went with it. It progressed to him pretty much living with me and all his fucked up probelms fell on me, and much like my last ex, he couldn't get his shit together. A man in his 30s can't keep it together? Then he accused me of cheating , and broke it off, that hurt, then when I explained to him he felt stupid I forgave him we fucked a lot and then ended up breaking it off officially a couple weeks later.

Then we have this fatass douchebag who I also wasn't attracted to that I hooked up with at a bonfire and a bar.... he and I don't speak, it's for the best.

Then we have someone who I thought was my world, I was attracted to him physically and mentally. I thought the stars aligned and it was all meant to be. I was happy in his presence despite all the problems in my life. I wanted him more than anything. I've felt what I never felt, love. And it was all I wanted. I had planned everything in my head, everything was going to go right. Everything was going right. He was everything. A shock up spine with every kiss and his voice was the sweetest sound I ever heard. I never really was the kind of girl who liked sappy stuff, but, he made me want to experience it all

And now, I don't know

I just feel really lost and weak. I can drink, I can smoke, I can cut but never deep enough

I'm just not good enough, and I don't think I'll ever be

I think about leaving state but where would I go

And really what good is that gonna do, I'll just be bringing my probelms somewhere else and that isn't fair for anyone

I'll be in bed for a few days, I shouldn't be left alone with my thoughts but

Yeah

I just want to disappear.

[chainedtothedarkness]

uhhhhhhhhhh hi its 1:31 pm but ive been feelign overwhelmignly depressed for like an hour or so and itts really. compressing ? my chest is relly tight and i feel dizzy/faint a bit

im also l ike.....passively suicidal

not “i want to kill myslef” but “i want to die” and everythgin feels overwhelming and i dotn even know why specificlaly becuase its not like anything happened nor like i missed my antidepressant dosage today theres no reason for me to feel like this and i hste it so fuckgin much

i think it s prbably another ocasion of things slowly snowballing withotu me realizing and then bursting now ... as tends to happen

ive been really achy for like a month or so nowa nd it really annoys me i hate this almost 8 year long chronic pains issues thing or 9 years since my health went shit idk

i keep talkgin about how long its been i annoy myself with how much i mention it but its part of my frustration i guess like i already had cerebral palsy and asthma i didnt need severe allergies and chronic pain to ruin everything i had going for me and then keep ruining/impacting my life this much

i also keep wanting to draw, to actually work on my comic or just practice but i rarely have the energy bc im tired all the time and still for all the trouble it costs me it still doesnt feel worth it because im never satisfied with my art it always feels like shit and it feels like no one really cares or is truly invested and im certain ill never be the known artist i keep wishing to be because i dont do things often enough, i cant work hard enough, i cant be active enough, whats the fucking point of hoping to be any bit famous when i cant even make friends well or put myself out there its just fuckign ridiculosus im an idiot and i hate msyelf

i also hate myself rn becuase ive been really smitten over a stupid fuckign idol for 3 years now and it just keeps worsening slowly like at first it was just a casual man i like this singer a lot but now the reactions i have to him are just as fuckign bad as the reactions ive had towards my exes when i was in love with them and i cant believe this bullshit

im also so behind on irl things like.....my room is a fuckign mess, i cant take care of myself, i can hrdly take care of my cat, i have a resume to do so i can apply for internships but i keep stalling because im “intimidated” or scared like a coward, and im pretty sure ill be shit at actually having a job and its just whats the use. why am i here. im fucking useless and i am ill 24/7 witj one problem or another and i just wnat it all to just stop

[sexysilverstrider]

for the ship thing, takumi x kamui and henlivia?

anon youre either new or you enjoy seeing me embarrassingly gush about these otps

takukamu: 10 = One True Pairing (OTP). I will fight to the death for this ship.

listen i never intended to pair them up nor did i intend to love takumi horribly as i am today. but then i played revelation for the first time. and heard his eng voice for the first time. then learned that kaji yuki voices takumi. then i read their support for the first time. then i learn about his personality bit by bit for the first time.

then i played conq after reaching a True Happy End with them as the happy queen n king of valla

needless to say it was an experience idk whether to relive or not because ITS HELL HAHAHA i LOVE!!! their chemistry!!! i love that neither of them bonded in their childhood ever so takumi felt so distant with her yet at the same time he WANTS to bond with her. so imagine his heartbreak in conq…HAPPIER NOTE in br n rev they did bond and takumi can just see how great kamui is and no wonder people love them. so when kamui suggested they should get along takumi acts indifferent bt deep inside hes excited

they didnt expect to fall in love in the process tho lmao there were feelings that werent supposed to happen but here they are

plus takumis character dev with kamui….with hw much he loves her and cares for her n cherishes her….PLUS WITH THEIR SONS!!! have u seen kanna. that boy is an insecure mess n has the possibility of being possessed all im sayin here is like father like son

plus ill never get over takumis eng S support line. “This was meant to be.” u shut the fuck up u pineapple ho if this really was meant to be u come the fuck home in heroes u fucking shit im broke because of u

Henlivia:10 = One True Pairing (OTP). I will fight to the death for this ship.

oh man…another ship i didnt intend to be so invested in haha……..at first i was just ???????? why do people ship them i get their chemistry is nice but the eng support is a bit????

but then i fell in love with the fanarts n chemistry but the last straw was their japanese support

i just….really love how problematic henry is and how olivia is genuinely concern about him and wants him to express his emotions properly and not lie to himself….AND I JUST….LOVE HOW HENRY LEGIT BREAKS DOWN N CRIES WHEN HE THOUGHT HE LOST OLIVIA FOR GOOD….AND HOW HE SUDDENLY BECOMES CLINGY N BREAKS DOWN TO A POSSESSIVELY PASSIONATE PERSON WHO BEGS TO BE WITH HER FOREVER WHEN SHE SAID THEY DONT NEED TO DO THE SMILING PRACTICE ANYMORE…

AND THEN THERES INIGO….OHHH MYYY GOOOOOOOD!!! inigo and henry parallels n blends so well…henry fakes a smile and hides his true emotions to protect himself from others. inigo fakes a smile and hides his true emotions to protect others from himself. the way inigo is so carefree even in a world of hell is thanks to henrys genetics. hell even in the future past henry brought it up as to why inigo fakes a smile even to his own father. i fucking break down everytime i think about this i really do

also in the japanese version inigo knows how to hex people. he knows dark magic. but hes a good boy and he doesnt use it to mess peoples lives. i love him.

also also he rocks with henrys white hair. also soleil is just….creepily cheerful like just her grandpapa henry. oh my god anon i have tears

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i want to practice just like going through the anger of his message without an actual response because like fuck him?

“i called you to say i was going to he wedding and caring for you and going to rehab potentially and you said that ou didnt know what to say because its not what you want to do”

false. and this is just crammed into a giant paragraph of other bullshit. man, you called me to tell me what you were going to do. and you have literally never in your life understood what it means to respect another person’s feelings or wishes outside of like a guest in your house for one night. again it was never about him going to rehab. it was the fact that its told to me like a slap in the face. its not like im involved in anyway its just im doing this see you later, maybe?

“and then you knowingly or not manipulate the situation by saying youre not doing the surgery because youre not having it your way just like you did a week ago when you realized my vision for the property is not the same as yours”

man. why is it that i can say something clear as fucking day, repeat it 400 times and this person will tell me straight faced that thats not what i did, thats not how i feel and i must feel this way and if i dont then im lieing to myself.

when i am confronted with a person aggressively asking me vague questions in regards to what was once a positive fucking discussion as a natural born human being it is within my capacity to react with really high suspicion as to how much this person actually respects me. because its not the act of changing your mind - you can change your mind a thousand times. but you can also say ‘man i was thinking about this and this and i was wondering about this and you were saying this’ instead of ‘how many x for this how much for this’ like wow. and then to turn around and use my reaction as a basis of just “not getting my way”? you are repeatedly at every fucking turn demonstrating a huge disrespect for my feelings and you think im a fucking slave that should have zero opinion or feeling on anything you do but continue to merrily go along with what you see for the future.

“i need help and thinking of other people first has prevented me from getting help for years because ‘you guys’ always do this. theres always something that im always ‘ruining’ if im not ‘there’“

literally for decades youve treated people consistently like fucking shit. you give false promises you masquerade in being sick. you refuse at any singular pointt o see any true priviledge you actually have and why that means you can never understand how these people felt like when you left them 200$ at xmas in a crackhouse and went on a family vacation. you ruined xmas bro. you fucking ruined it and you thought you did a good fucking deed. a good deed wouldve been being their family. period. and you didnt want to do that an thats okay but to act like you should be praised for what you did do when it barely made a dent? fuck you you self righteous prick.

“this is what happens at the property. i go to work everyday to pay for you all to eat and for the upgraes and equipment. you guys wake up at your leisure and do exactly as much work as you feel is necessary and then fuck off for the rest of the day when i come home and have to solve personal problems like you and jame or you and aaron”

omg. this is the exact paragraph that defines exactly why im officially out. like first of all you are of zero motherfucking help to all of the above people including myself to maintain a lifestyle we lived here that bruoght us nothing because you think some deep drive will make it better even though your ass is going to rehab. you have zero provisions for any of these people and all they can do is sincerely invest their time energy and money into preparing themselves and their belief in what can happen. to think this crazy man could provide more than two meals is literally foolish like you arent ready to survive if you think youre surviving off of this guy. and like i already know this pretty well. in no way does he understand that i lived in survival mode with a crazy person who claimed to be doing good for my life. i did that already. its a completely different ball game. i dont even believe in you. i believe in me.

“the fact that you feel entitled to a payout because you did two weeks of research demontrates that you have no idea the investment i am putting in”

excuse me, what? by me asking for fucking dignity and respect when you change your fucking plans that involve MY FUTURE that YOU PUT ME WITHIN i’m doing this on the basis of being entitled to a fucking payout? respect? the fact that you think this is “two weeks of research” demonstrates that you literally would throw people out on their ass because you ~owned the property and they didnt you know “invest enough”. and at no point will it be told to you how much you need to invest to be secure. at no point. so he will ask for free labour which to him is not free because he feeds you !!! right because that worked for the slaves.

“i understand that this will be the situation as i laid it out because ive been down this road before a few times and i’m not laying it out to put anyone down; its just how it goes and i know for a fact it will piss me off and cripple me because i am already extremely weak”

man. who the fuck are you? you want people to support you getting help and doing positive things and respect you for being a homeless shelter but literally shit on and disrespect and belittle and degrade the people you want to be with you? whyyyyyyyyyy in the fuck would i ever want to speak to a person who believes i’m lazy and lives off of him and causes problems. why the fuck would i do that. oh but like hes not putting me down its just “how it goes”. and hes telling me this like im going to be like “oh okay i didnt realize ‘thats how it goes’ sorry”. you are in no motherfucking way a savior to any single person nor will you ever be. to truly help another person in the ways you believe you want to help people you have to be born with a trait that makes you preconceived to these ways or you have to work every day at it to become like that and you have not even begun to put in the work it woul take to reach such a high standard of care and altruism. again, fuck you.

“that being said, it doesnt change my desire but i must find a way to prepare myself to see if is something i can handle because if its not youre out to weeks of research and get to go back on welfare but me, i own 17k have to give the boot to my friends and face god knows what other consequences will come from an ill fated venture like this”

just.

do you know how hard it is for me to not just give in to the worst of my feelings and be like can u just go fucking die already. like you are so much of my mother that the only way you will find peace is to just be dead.you are delusional and fucked up and in so fucking deep i dont think theres a way out for you because there is like next to no moments of true clarity.

‘youre out to two weeks of research and get to go back on welfare’

omg. am i real human being? do you think i am like a fucking search engine that aggregated a bunch of results for you and just displayed information with zero fucking care as to what was happening at all? do you in no way think that if you want me in ANY FUTURE CAPACITY to even SEE this opportunity that i have to manage my current life in a specific way? do you not KNOW this? if you dont know this just STOP. build a fucking cabin in the woods and stay the fuck away from people you ignorant piece of shit.

“it pisses me off that im always me with the same attitude when i try to do something like these people that are literally investing the most minimal part of their day into the venture act like im not putting my nuts on the line for someone else”

omg. you legitimately dont see other people as human beings like this all i can form from this. when i was a child, i saw my mother disappointed that she didnt have this bottle of wine she thought she had and she was like mock disappointed about it but i didnt get it and as a child i was just like.. i felt really bad for my mom. like she didnt have this thing she wanted and expected and i wanted at that moment to give it to her if i could and i just kept doing this to an extreme in my life where like i constantly consider another persons feelings so much that i feel true guilt to act in any malicious or shitty way because i feel like i can really empathize with their moments if i tried to so why is it okay for me to act in such a way. i want to be peaceful and understanding.

so to me i am literally fucking appalled that he cannot comprehend the “investment” one makes with their entire actual fucking livelihood but furthermore my “two weeks of research” led him to his own opportunity. without my “two weeks of research” hed just be a jackass going to rehab. in fact as i began to realize how little he was invested mentally and was just throwing money at a piece of land, i became very scared for him and myself and the concept of this idea because i realized no one knew what to do, no one was taking the initiative to actually look it up and this person is investng 17k. and at no point did they think of a building plan or project or outline of a business or anything, they looked up no regulations and just went on like the dreams of hearsay. i couldnt believe it. i began my journal of information out of pure anxiety and fear that this person wasnt actually going to do any of these things and when it came down to it we would be fucked because the landowner has no idea what he can actually do on his own fucking land. and this is very stressful. is it 17k stressful? i dont know. maybe. maybe not. but it is certainly a large investment of my time and a new creation of anxiety, a reason to distrust whats happening - a reason to no longer trust in what he was saying about this. he just wanted to do this and this the same way he wanted to do all the dumb ass things he did before.

“if i had of known this i would have spent 2 weeks looking shit up’ like fuck right off. im sitting here trying to figure out a way to give people a free fucking place to come and better themselves and i have to eat shit when i express concern for myself”

bro. come into the reality ive lived for 2 months. this all started all of it period started because i offered to help you save money. you did not want this. i suggested buying land to offer small houses of some sort for people to stay to capitalize on both his handyman skills and his hosting skills. then i looked up SEVERAL HUNDRED PROPERTIES and like extremely sorted through these for the best possible deals for the most amount of land with healthy landscape. PEOPLE ARE PAID TO DO THIS JOB. LIKE HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS OVER MONTHS. and i did this job for you for free and presented not just like 10 lots. i presented another 30 lots afterwards. i learned the fucking landscape of pei. i learned about trees and buying land and municipalities. i made maps and scales and put like all of my brain power into this its like saying because you went tothe store and bought the materials, you own whatever the fuck i built from it. and fine maybe you do. maybe in this capitalistic world you do. but omg why do you have to degrade the actual work i did which did not include me getting drunk in the middle of the woods at any point. like you struggled to figure out the meaning of a pit test when this is something i wouldve learned in a day. and i thought like this person knows already they id it before they already have this basic understanding all they need is like some updated info but nope. nope. youre not sitting there trying to figure it out. im sitting here trying to figure it out because no matter how much fucking money you throw at this it will not work without actual knowledge so fuck you man. fuck you. if i had of known you were such a piece of shit, if i had of known you would belittle and degrade any work and care investment i put into this which other people are literally fucking paid for - i wouldnt have spent any time on it at all. youd still be sitting there sobbing about your dead ex and the times you were strung out on k. fuck you bro. fuck you.

“dont talk to me about relationships dont hold this surgery over my head whenever you dont get your way. thats what i dont want to be part of because i have my own issues and if you dont want the care then ill spend my time caring for  myself”

iterally all of your time is looking out for and caring for yourself and any time taken away from that time is a huge fucking deal. like this person believes that just like hanging out with someone is an investment of his time because his time is very valuable. and if you dont appreciate that he took the time to even grace you with his presence when his time is so damn valuable then fuck you. and repeatedly hes said on multiple occasions for varying reasons “i dont want to be apart of this” and “this” is changed to suit whatever his need is for that time. so now he didnt say “this” like he never wanted me or the relationship its that he doesnt want “the drama”. no. no. you didnt and have not wanted the relationship and it has held you back and gave you all these issues you never wanted. period. this is what you said. period.

“im just so fucing exhausted i wasted 45 minutes typing out bullshit that started because i want to go to rehab and that doesnt jive with your insecurity”

.............. first of all on the basis of this entire fucing discussion you cannot in any fucking way ask me to consider the amount of time you spent on fucking anything at all. anything. it means absolutely nothing at all. it means nothing to what i feel. my feelings are more important. whether you invested time you didnt want to or not is of no motherfucking concern to me so fuck you you hypocritical asshole.

this all started because youre an asshole. youve always been an asshole and you literally cannot rehabilitate the fact youre an asshole. weed is not making you a piece of shit. its really truly not. if it is its like the first case in the entire world of it doing such things to someone because omg.

“not to mention i had to think about this shit for 6 hours yesterday”

no one caressssssssssssss. omg. you can sit and think about it for two weeks straight my friend. it means LITERALLY FUCKING NOTHING BY YOUR OWN DEFINITION.

“you know the only people that give me grief when i try to get help are the people who cant stand on their own legs

im sorry.

excuse me? in what capacity do you believe you have positively affected the direction of my life either mentally or financially or physically? you getting help affects me in zero fucking ways to the point that its not even goingt o make my relationship better with you because i really believe you cannot rehab an asshole. but it sincerely has zero affect on my financial or physical well being. what do you think ive been doing? like am i a zombie? im fucking depressed, not dead. this person has never paid my rent. he paid my phone bill as a christmas gift one year. he has really never actually bought me groceries, his mother has three times maybe.

you know, i have no anxiety. well no overwhelming anxiety and im not spiraling. heres a real true fact of life: if he didnt exist, i wouldnt have considered the surgery at all. in my life without him i wouldnt have had an opportunity to possibly have some kind of care (which i love now has an end date that has nothing to do with my recovery)  i wouldnt even have a drive home. so i wouldnt do it. and id be a little pissed for awhile - mostly at my parents more than anything and then just get over it because why dwell so hard on something not that important anyways.

ive been told by doctors its an option. its not like a recommendation - well it is, but its not like oh wow you really have to get this or else. i think people get really uppity about doctors and medical things for no reason and i get that they exist for a quality of life but i just dont think my life is so bad that i have to do this to myself right now.

and ive gotten - well what else are you doing now? whats different? and its true. fair enough. mark in the pro column. but that doesnt outweigh it. just because theres nothing else im doing doesnt mean i shoul do something i think is not a true importance to my life. like if i can have one month of physical care for a 3 inch incision with stitches - why cant i have one month of care for 15 years of severe depression? like all these doctors said im severely depressed, i need help, i need a support system, i need real resources they cant necessarily provide and everyons like wow i dont have the time or space to help you im sorry its too much for me and maybe you wont get better and i cant see you getting better so i cant feel good about how much time i migh have to spend on this.

but an incision. for a cyst. and a friend will take a week off work and spend everyday by my side. he will leave work to care for me, make me meals everyday, run my errands, help me out. and so my sick twisted mind in some ways in some moments looked forward to a real surgery. ike for a brief period of time i would get the care i needed from people but im too incapicitated to actually leverage any of the care i receive. like people would let me stay at their house for x amount of time and its just like man ive been nearly homeless and you acted like im diseased. its a fucking mockery to act like this cyst makes me deserve any more care than i already had. and i think thats why i really think deep down none of these people will do any of these things. i am sick. i am already sick. like really badly. and its all just like looking in from the outside bullshit. so why does this change now? why should i believe it changes?

and after all of this another nagging small thought is like okay so i finally get some kind of care and help and then it will all stop so he can go get better care and help in his priviledge an its like wow why bother. like well ur all healed now ur on ur own byeeee. i am tired of feeling bad for feeling bad. this is a manipulation. this is the true manipulation. it is using “getting help” and “going to rehab” as an excuse to compleely and utterly ignore anything i have to say about fucking anything at all. and hes trying to convince me of this that im the bad person and im not the bad person because ive never been against rehab.

i said “i dont know what you want me to say” instead of “so what about everything weve been talking about for the past two weeks what about the future what about buying land” after givng him all of this space to tell me on his own. what do you want me to say? its happening _ again _. good luck. hope it works out for you this time. i no longer give a fuck. i knew immediately when he sai h was going to rehab that all of the plans were up in the air again. again. again. again. like four hundredth time in a row and its like man how many fucking times o you want me to follow your bullshit because rehab is as genuine as your desire to be a better person and help all these people but youre fucking ruining people because you cant stay the fuck away. how many times am i required to give unconditional love without it actually fucking returned to me or to have what is returned be nothing but negativity towards my life?

you have no idea that the actions of other people really define how you will feel about them in your moments of weakness and need. you can see it but you dont know it. you dont know that it makes the difference of treating someone with actual kindness and respect because theyre a fucking human being not because “well they dont have that”. you havent graduated from giving someone something because you feel bad that they dont have it. you give them respect not because other people didnt vgive them respect but because this person deserved fucking respect all along. if you do it for the first reason its really all for your ego. you think youre doing something better than the next person. yuo know, “well iiiii woulnt be like that” - yeah you would, just in another circumstance.

i no longer regularly deal with outwardly shitty people. it was really important to me to find people who were caring in some respect but im learning even among those who are caring are abusers. theyre everywhere and its naive to think theyre not because thats how you fall victim. you just dont think its happening because it cant happen because theyre caring.

what i see myself truthfully terribly doing is nothing. although i clearly have a response for him, i dont. im just angry and i dont see how expressing any of my anger towards him will bring any resolution to any issue. and im not “just angry” like im just airing some grief but im angry. im very angry. and its no longer worth it. what can i reply? what could i possibly reply? “oh god youre so right im so sorry of course everything i did is nothing compared to you im sorry for being so selfish thank you sooo much for helping me” because it looks like the only available option now. and im not taking that option. i coul fight. argue all my points. tell him he was wrong. but why? but i think i may do so much nothing that i will just remain passive and hurt. semi forced into this scenario, upset and depressed. and i can see myself trying to accept help before stopping a few days into it.

i wish i could eternal sunshine him. i really do.

[themoneybuff-blog]

The death of Anthony Bourdain: Thoughts on productivity, pleasure, and depression

Shares 141 Warning: This is a rare GRS post that contains salty language. If you dont like salty language, dont read this article. Anthony Bourdain killed himself Friday morning. So what? you might be thinking. Hes just another fucking celebrity who didnt know how good he had it. Maybe youre right. But his death has weighed heavy on me all weekend. On Friday morning, as I wrote the weekly Get Rich Slowly email, I thought about Anthony Bourdain. On Friday afternoon, as Kim and I worked in the yard, I thought about Anthony Bourdain. On Friday evening, as we soaked in our new hot tub with a friend, I thought about Anthony Bourdain. Yesterday, I thought about Anthony Bourdain. Today, I thought about Anthony Bourdain. Now Im writing this article as an act of catharsis. Maybe itll help me to stop thinking about Anthony Bourdain. The Depression Trap I believe Anthony Bourdains death touched me deeply for a couple of reasons. I was a huge fan. Since listening him read the audio version of Kitchen Confidential a decade ago, Ive loved his work. Parts Unknown was probably my favorite travel show: raw and real and filled with food. Bourdain connected with everyone he met. His joy for life was contagious and his mind was sharp.Like Bourdain did, I struggle with depression. All my life, Ive experienced periodic descents into darkness. The first time this happened, I missed five weeks of sixth grade. In the nearly forty years since then, Ive developed a variety of coping mechanisms but they dont always work. In recent months since the middle of March the darkness has deepened and I dont know why. (And just as I missed five weeks of school back then, Ive been unable to get my work done in the present.) Let me make it clear that I am not suicidal. Right now, the biggest symptom of my depression is my inability to get shit done. But whereas suicide seems strange and senseless to most everyone else, depressives understand the appeal even if wed never consider it personally. One of the many stupid things about depression is that the condition doesnt care how awesome your life is. It doesnt care how successful you are. It doesnt care how much money you have. Depression is not rational. If it were, itd be easy to think your way out of it. Paula Froelich, one of Bourdains ex-girlfriends, put it like this:

Bourdains death didnt just make me introspective. It also led to a couple of interesting conversations about pleasure and productivity and about what really matters in life. The Productivity Trap Friday afternoon, I received email from a GRS reader well call Michael: Im sure you saw Anthony Bourdain killed himself. This to me was a telling quote: When asked during a recent interview with The Wall Street Journal whether he ever thought about stepping back from the breakneck pace of a job that kept him on the road 250 days a year, he replied, Too late for that. I think about it. I aspired to it. I feel guilty about it. I yearn for it. Balance? I fucking wish.' Obviously I didnt know Bourdain personally, or even know much about him as a public figure, but I think that mentality is common: Once youve become successful, the thought of ever ratcheting back seems unthinkable. Obviously, suicide is rare, but I think this mentality is common among successful people they stay in an unhappy status quo simply because they have so much invested in their self-image and public perception of themselves as successful people. I think Michael is onto something. Ive seen this in my own life, in the lives of friends and family, and the lives of colleagues. They fall into what you might call the productivity trap. (Heres an article I almost linked to the other day about the productivity trap: If youre so successful, why are you still working 70 hours a week?) I have one friend, for instance, with an enormously successful career. He has a popular blog, a popular podcast, best-selling books, and even an annual conference that attracts attendees from across the planet. Yet hes never satisfied not with himself nor with anybody else. Hes always looking for ways to make things bigger and better. He seems unhappy with who he is and what he has. Hes written publicly about his struggles with mental illness, but he hasnt revealed its full effects. Its not just my friend. Its me too. I see this pattern in my own life, and its something Ive deliberately decided to approach more mindfully. Why do I want to have a hot tub or travel to Ecuador? Why did I repurchase Get Rich Slowly and how often should I publish here? Why do I keep agreeing to public speaking gigs? Do I really want these things? Are they aligned with my personal mission statement? Will they really make me happy? (Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes the answer is no.) In his email, Michael continued: I think this is really the key to personal finance and early retirement actually stepping back and figure out what is important to you, and doing it, even if it seems like youre turning your back on a great career, or a nice house or whatever. That is the hardest part, which keeps most people in a life they dont want. They think I went to school X or work at company Y, so therefore I must live in this city or have that job or have that wardrobe and never ask themselves what, as individuals, makes them happy. The Pleasure Trap As our email conversation continued, Michael brought up another interesting point. He noted that our culture and this is especially true in the world of financial independence blogs is obsessed with experiences, such as travel. Yet in many ways, collecting experiences is no better (nor any different) than collecting things. Heres Michael again: [Bourdain] had the ne plus ultra of modern life: rich, famous, a job that 99% of the population would kill for, saw everything he wanted to see, ate everything he wanted to eat, Im sure slept with tons of women if that is what he wanted, took all the drugs he wanted. You name it, he had it. And, he hung himself in a hotel room in France, a twice-divorced man a continent away from his daughter and girlfriend. Im not bagging on him. I just think he illustrates something: A meaningful life doesnt consist of a series of cool experiences, or traveling or eating cool stuff. Bourdain did that stuff to an incredible degree, and it still didnt make him happy. I think that is what our society has forgotten. I feel like were always being told we should move a lot, travel a lot, be vaguely or overtly dismissive of the town or state we were born in, move for college and never move back homein short, basically be a free agent with fewer and fewer personal connections, or weaker connections. And, we get this [higher suicide rates]. [] I think this relates to personal finance. There is always this thought that thrift requires these huge sacrifices less travel, fewer new experiences, fewer new restaurants. But what if [these arent sacrifices]? What if irrespective of cost, that stuff isnt really a source of happiness? I mean, people accept that with respect to possessions nobody says a Cadillac or a 5000-square-foot home is the key to happiness but many, many people in our culture think new experiences are crucial to a happy life. It may be the opposite the continuity and free-time to invest in loving relationships may actually be the key to happiness. I told Kim about my conversation with Michael. Its the pleasure trap, she said. People fall for the lie that momentary pleasure equals happiness. But pleasure isnt the same as happiness. Shes right, of course. Happiness is like planting a garden, watching it grow, then enjoying the harvest. Pleasure is simply eating the fruit. Happiness is deeper and richer and longer lasting. Pleasure is fleeting; happiness is not. But happiness involves time and work and patience. Now, Ill admit: Im guilty as anyone else of falling into the pleasure trap, and in oh-so-many ways! I have to make a deliberate effort to look past immediate pleasure in order to consider long-term happiness. This often requires enduring unpleasant activities. Do I really want to go out in the cold and the rain to dig in the mud and plant my garden? No, not in this moment. Id rather sit in the hot tub. But if I dont plant the garden, Im sacrificing greater happiness in the future. Final Thoughts While I think that Kim and Michael are onto something the productivity trap and the pleasure trap are both real and both problematic I keep coming back to Anthony Bourdains battle with depression. During my recent road trip through the southeastern U.S., I talked with two friends who are fighting depression in their own lives. One friend has a spouse who cannot shake the condition despite counseling, despite exercise, despite a loving family. The other friend fights the condition himself and its led to weight gain and addictive tendencies. Therapy has helped some but its not a cure-all. As for myself, I havent yet returned to therapy although Im considering it. (Not so long ago, I spent a year working with a therapist to find ways to cope with anxiety and depression. It helped.) I want to stress again that I am not suicidal. But the depression has most definitely affected my daily existence, including my relationships, my health, and my work here at Get Rich Slowly. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. But I know that itll get better someday. Shares 141 https://www.getrichslowly.org/death-of-anthony-bourdain/

[somedaypast-thesunset]

im in this like .. cycle i guess. 

i want to reach out for support because i feel a lack of support but to express a lack of support offends people around me (despite their lack of support) and i lose even the smallest amount of support i had 

i’m really sad lingering on feeling depressed. and im trying hard to reprogram my brain to see it as feeling depressed and not being depressed because its like acting out the emotion of depressed as your character and i just want to feel it because im not in a movie. 

i had an issue with my roommates dog while being in immense pain from a stupid cyst and literally no one would help. as i laid on the floor in pain i knew no one would actually help. it wasnt until 11pm that he returned a phone call i made at noon and when i said i was in pain he offered to bring me to his house and take me to the doctors tomorrow. 

but his whole attitude had changed like i was really burdening his life now and i guess he was calling to tell me he was leaving like the next day or somethng and now ive interrupted it. of course he didnt “say” this but it felt heavily implied and i never really felt comfortable being around him. he didnt want to show any affection and seemed to avoid it, slept through the day and had us go to bed at 10pm 

he had mentioned briefly that he would take me to the doctors again today but pack up and leave in the evening. this morning it was the same awkward uncomfortableness and he had like little desire to talk to me. i thought like if that was our last night and this is our last morning i guess it really says alot. like i guess if im ever severely injured he will begrudgingly help me in some way but he’ll have a really shit attitude about it and i can be nothing more than grateful i guess?

i told him i would take myself to the doctors. he said okay. i said i was leaving in 10 minutes and he said okay. i sat feeling really sick and i understand, a bit, that alot of this sickness comes from feeling really alone in other areas of my life. so theres like this giant hole and immediate panic when the person who was atleast occupyng space in the hole leaves. but if i had other people i wouldnt feel such panic - i’m thinkng like wow i’m fucked if i’m actually hurt. or if i get sick. like i cant expect any help from anyone even though they all receive some kind of help from other people. i cant even make a call to anyone and express anything at all without them having to go or do something else in their life that im not apart of. and its not just bad timing -  i could wait and wait and im just waiting for someone to make the time for me and i have to be grateful that anyone would set aside even one hour of their day for me and ive not been around other people who understand the complexities of this. like, of course im grateful. im extremely grateful. thats like all i think about for that hour that thank fucking god there was a single human being willing to give me this time so i could even help myself in some way. 

and its not like i dont give this. ive given soooooooooo much of this an got nothing in return. except that i have to feel super grateful for the hour i get in return for my huge investment into their lives. and its like at nooooo point can i ask my mom for 20$. i cant ask my dad what credit card i should get. or if this person is ripping me off. like i get that i can (an will) do all these things myself but i dont even get the priviledge of receiving valid learned advice from a trusted source - i get jack offs and reddit commenters explaining how a mortgage works. or how to buy a car. or the best tips on a driving test. and when im sad and lonely? i get to turn to strangers on the internet or i guess worse, this. even though its likely no one at all will read this. when im really sick? i make chicken soup for myself. i go to the store for myself. i maybe find a ride to the doctors and mabe get lucky the pharmacy is there too so i dont have to ride the bus.when i feel like everything is chaotic? i return to cats. 

but hey - i’m going to be a “stronger, smarter” person right? thats what it all boils down to. lacking soo much will somehow make me stronger and smarter than the next person who already has these things. doesnt that seem so dumb? to me, i just worked 10x as hard to get to the same place that someone else did with half the work. but im “stronger and smarter” for the effort. i think you’re wiser and more resilient. because you become wise through experience and knowledge of the experience - but you can still be dumb as hell. you arent stronger - you just learned to put up with more; that’s resilience. you couldn’t use resilience like you could use strength. it just means you didnt give up. 

and thats not a negative but when you place it in this light i think it conjures a different respect for the lack of priviledges that it takes to reach “wiser and more resilient’. 

right now im really.... alot of things. i feel sad and angry and frustrated and bitter and envious. im trying to respect other peoples journeys but its leaving me really fucking alone. i told him i was leaving and he said bye. that could very well be our last personal encounter and i guess i appreciate that i left it as is. instead of trying to shape it into something it wasnt going to be, i just accepted that this was the choice he was making. of course, its easier to leave when you disconnect from someone/the things around you. 

i personally feel that this is the end of the relationship and my expectation is that he’ll be gone in the next 24 hours. i think i would prefer to leave our last encounter as this. although he “asked” multiple times how i was feeling or why i didnt feel good - i knew that he wasnt even the person to be talking to about it. how could i explain any of this to him? he has really not understood it and its doubtful he ever will. i expect nothing from him now - maybe i did before. maybe i wanted to have something real with him, like how we pretended to have. and i guess he showed his ‘support’ but like - youre leaving anyways. what happens when youre gone? does it matter? 

i cant ask these questions because theyre already answered. nothing happens, life goes on. you got what you got for the time being, be grateful. 

its not just him i feel this way with - i actually feel this way with multiple people ive been around. i cant talk about these things beacause it implies they dont care. and they do care otherwise they wouldnt have given me a ride or a sandwhich or bus change or sat wth me for an hour or smoked me some weed. BUT NONE OF IT MATTERS TO My ACTUAL LIFE. when you give a homeless man a dollar, do you think you just changed his life? like you changed 5 minutes before he had to go ask for another dollar from someone else because not a single person wants to give him actual legitimate help. just smile and nod. 

ths morning his mother literally shut the garage door on me. i have no idea how she did not hear the door open or the garage door open standing 10 ft away but she literally shut the door and i sat in the dark. i said nothing because no one cares. 

and he bitchs and moans about all these things and its like hes just discovering no one cares  and his solution is to also stop caring for anyone but himself. and its like he doesnt even see this because hes ‘going to get better and help so many people’ but hes not. he literally is not. and its infruiating that he cant even signficiantly benefit one persons life and his solution to this is to stop any attempts and focus just on himself before i guess inviting the world in. 

am i not fucking worthy or deserving? i’m not some runaway kid. i’m not a fucking drug addict. i’m not a single mom. if not me, then who deserves to benefit? i guess everyone above. you know, i didnt add to everyone being fucking dead and deserted with severe trauma and ptsd and little coping skills by taking hard drugs and fucking strange men. i didnt have unsafe sex. but i guess i should have so i could have the attention that other people seem to get for these acts. i stayed “strong” and “smart” and i’m alone and struggling. i guess i deserve to be. 

when i say this its not like i want people to immediately become my family and do all this shit with me and include me an talk to me all waking moments. i want this person who has been in my life but has remained in a neutral position by their own decision to remain neutral as i express the lonliness that i feel being in this position instead of take it personal or trying to make me be optimistic about it. i am sitting with a person and still expressing this - optimism is not what i need. nor do i need to argue that this person hasnt fulfilled the needs i have when they consider themselves a ‘friend”. to be a friend now is to remain in the position youve already taken and allow me the space to now be myself - this sucks. its hard. when i speak, no one is really listening. when i need someone, i have to wait until “a good time” which could be days. and its not just one person. if this one person was doing this - fine. it’s sad but bareable. it’s so many encounters that i feel like im in highschool floating through the halls unnoticed. i have no significance or importance to anything. and its not like oh god i have to be loved and have attention but like theres litereally none. there is zero. nothing. 

thats when “anything” looks better than nothing and you get stuck in even shittier situations.