#like literally your going to spend that much money on fucking tree ornaments that you’re probably just going to get rid of next year…really

[the-dragonlich]

I think I have a personal vendetta against people who get a entire tree’s worth of new Christmas ornaments each year

[written-on-the-trees]

What Do You Call A Bad Popcorn Joke? - Machine Gun Kelly Fan Fiction

Prompt: Popcorn String

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1050 words

Summary: It's Colson's first Christmas with Rosie and Casie, but that doesn't mean that everything's new. Traditional decorations are important...as are terrible jokes.

Note: This story is an official part of a series I’ve published on Ao3 and Wattpad but for some reason not Tumblr...I think next year I’m going to try and make sure everything is everywhere, but until then, enjoy all the terrible jokes I could pack into 1000 words and check it out in those other places if you’re interested in some equally terrible pick-up lines.

    It was no secret that Colson had once been dirt poor.

  There had been more than one occasion where he’d only eaten because there had been leftovers from work, or when he hadn’t been able to pay the heating bill and he’d had to heat up pans of water to shower, or when Casie had needed new shoes and Colson had had to go begging to a thrift store to discount the already dirt-cheap shoes they had because he literally had seven dollars to his name. It had been particularly bad at Christmas.

 He hadn’t even had a tree the first year after he’d broken up with Casie’s mum…but that didn’t mean he hadn’t tried. He’d spent fucking hours with sheets of old newspaper, the remains of the red wrapping paper he’d used to wrap Casie’s present, and green paper, making paper chains. He’d strung popcorn onto thread. He cut snowflakes into newspaper. He done everything he could to make their apartment as Christmas-y as he could, even though he was dirt poor. Casie had deserved the best Christmas Colson could give her - and even though it had made him feel like shit that he couldn’t give her all the presents and lights and sparkle, he’d always tried his hardest to make the holiday magical for her.

 It was insane how much things had changed.

 This year he was sitting in an apartment in London, watching the two most important women in his life decorating the shit out of everything they could.

 Colson couldn’t remember being happier, except for maybe the first time he’d held Casie. The fact that his daughter was so in love with his girlfriend was the best Christmas present he could ask for. Better than the big tree decorated with ornaments - “baubles, dad, Rosie says they’re called baubles” - and tinsel and lights in every shade of pink, better than the small mountain of gifts from friends and family waiting to be put under that tree, better than all the great things that had happened to him this year…the fact that Casie was smiling and laughing with Rosie was just…the best.

   “Oi, Skellington Jack, get your long legs over here.”

 “Yeah, dad! We need your help.”

 “Skellington Jack? Really?” Colson laughed, even as he got up to go and help the girls with the finishing touch on the tree.

   The string of popcorn.

 Casie had insisted on bringing it with them when she heard that they were going to be spending Christmas in London; they’d put it up every year, even now Colson had money for real decorations - good ones, too - and Casie hadn’t wanted to leave it in California when they were hundreds of miles away.

 She had carefully lifted it out of her suitcase when Rosie had announced they were spending the weekend decorating, and carefully asked Rosie if they could put it up - and because Rosie was possibly the best woman Colson knew, she had not only promised Casie that it would have pride of place, but she was making sure she kept her promise. They were putting it on last of all, making sure nothing went on top of it, and Colson had no idea how to tell Rosie how touched he was by the fact she was taking Casie’s Christmas tradition so seriously.

 He’d had some girlfriends who didn’t even want to acknowledge Casie…although ‘girlfriend’ might be too strong a word for what they had been to him. Rosie, though, had greeted his daughter with a warm smile and a terrible joke, and Casie had warmed up to her straight away: terrible jokes and all.

 Not that Colson could judge her for that.

   “Hey, Rosie, wanna hear a joke?”

   Casie groaned, and Colson just grinned.

   Rosie was just as bad, smirking at the way Casie was rolling her eyes at them: “If it is what I think it is…nah, it’ll be too corny.”

 “Hey, what did that pop out of?”

 “I dunno. Maybe it was because I got lost in a cornfield once.” Rosie grinned slyly: “Although I had to admit, I felt pretty a-maze-ing when I found my way out.”

 Casie rolled her eyes so hard Colson thought they might roll out of her head: “You guys are literally the worst. You’re both cheesier than the pizza we had for lunch.”

 Colson, far from his discouraged by his daughter’s teenage grumbling, saw an opportunity and he took it: “Hey Casie, what’s a popcorn's favourite pizza topping?

 “Dad, no…”

 “Popperoni!”

   Casie actually smacked him, but she was laughing in spite of herself, so Colson was taking that as a win. He took it as even more of a win when she made him pick her up so she could finish wrapping their popcorn string around the top of the tree, before he let her down and they all stepped back to admire their handiwork.

 Even for someone who had spent most the afternoon following directions, Colson thought they had done pretty good.

 He wrapped one arm around Casie’s shoulders, and the other around Rosie’s shoulders, and pulled them into his side for a hug. All was peaceful for a few seconds, the three of them basking in the good job they had done together…before Colson decided to chat shit.

   “Well, ladies, once again: I have created a masterpiece.”

 “Yeah, by staying out of the way you made sure you didn’t break anything.” Rosie snarked back immediately, as Casie laughed: “Well done you.”

 Colson nodded sagely: “It was a very important task.”

   They all laughed, before flopping down on the couch, and Colson reached for the remote so he could find a terrible Christmas film the three of them could bitch about. As far as Colson was concerned, he’d literally had the best day of his whole year - maybe his entire decade. He was surrounded by his two favourite people, Christmas cheer, and a sense of contentment that felt like it was warming him right to the bones. Colson didn’t think he could be happier if he tried.

 It was shaping up to be a wonderful Christmas…and Colson was confident that it would only get better from here.

[lesbianrobin]

Im dying to know, do you have any holiday-themed Steve, Robin, Party, etc. headcanons?

god you KNOW i do!!! first of all i celebrate christmas and i dont rly know anything about other holidays this time of year so im just gonna... work on the assumption that they all celebrate christmas, but if anyone who doesnt celebrate or celebrates something else wants to reblog and add their own hcs i encourage it!!! okay this is gonna be so scattered but:

steve never really liked christmas very much. it was always just stressful and he hated having to spend time with his family and he always got like the most generic expensive boring gifts from his parents and it just wasn't really fun... the first christmas he really got into it was the christmas he spent with nancy and after they broke up, he was like oh christmas just fucking sucks!! but then...

that next christmas dustin invites him over for christmas eve and he brings a pie that he bought from the grocery store and claudia thanks him a million times and he wishes that he'd baked it himself so he didn't feel so guilty

dustin gives him a little baseball bat ornament and claudia is like "oh i thought you played basketball!" and steve is like "oh uh i do but i like baseball too :)" and he and dustin kinda smile at each other and steve ruffles his hair and they watch rudolph on tv and steve is like oh christmas.... is good......

speaking of dustin he always starts thinking about christmas gifts in like october but somehow ends up with absolutely nothing on december 20th and he has to run around in a panic finding gifts for the party

he drinks hot chocolate like a maniac... he doesnt drink water the entire month of december it's hot chocolate or it's nothing

hes one of those people who will say "come on it's christmas!!!" on like the tenth

lucas is one of those people who will say "no asshole it's december tenth"

lucas loves christmas!! he just thinks that it's a day and not a whole fucking month!!! he thinks anything before like december 15th is too much

the only thing he hates about christmas is that his parents always make him and erica pick out gifts for each other with no help from them... and since erica is an evil genius she always gets lucas the perfect gift just so she can hold it over his head for the entire year when he accidentally gets her a toy she already owns

she literally watches him open his present like >:) and lucas is pissed when it's this extremely specific action figure that he's wanted for a long time but he swears he never even mentioned it to anybody

and then he just sits there feeling like a stupid asshole as she unwraps a random doll that lucas figured she might like since its hair looks kind of sort of vaguely like erica's and she's like "thanks lucas :) i think i have this one already but it's sweet" and his parents are like "hey it's the thought that counts! erica see your brother knows what you like :)" and she's like "yeah :)" and then as soon as their parents aren't looking she sticks her tongue out at lucas and he sticks his out back at her

the sinclairs have such a disgustingly perfect christmas like they bake cookies together and shit it's adorable

speaking of adorable families the byers house is so full of love on christmas

almost all of the ornaments on their tree are handmade little crafts from when will and jonathan were younger and they buy tinsel at the dollar store and just go fucking ham with it their tree always looks like a hobby lobby threw up

growing up joyce would usually try to get them some things they need on christmas and then like one or two special things for each of them and she could never buy the fancy new toys that were in all the ads on tv and in magazines but she knows her boys.... jonathan got his first camera on christmas and it was from a secondhand store and kind of dinged up and definitely old as shit but he loved it..... will always got some new construction paper and crayons or markers so by the end of christmas day joyce would have new drawings to put up on the fridge or a new little ornament that he made for her.....

sometime in november jonathan would always be like "okay will i have a secret mission for you, you need to find out something mom needs that we could give her for christmas!" and will would be like "you have to say your mission should you choose to accept it" and jonathan would say "well i know you're gonna accept the mission" and will's like "jonathannnnn" and jonathan would be like "okay fine your mission should you choose to accept it" and will would be like >:) im a spy >:)

so little baby will would action roll around the house humming the mission impossible theme and peeking around walls at joyce and then after like a week he'd say "i think mom needs a stool she keeps jumping to try and reach stuff high up in the cabinets" and jonathan's like awesome thanks and he finds a cheap folding stool and some chocolates that he can afford with whatever money he has saved up and he has will wrap it because he figures it's like ten times cuter that way and joyce cries when she sees the little christmas card will put with the stool for her

i'm going way more in depth than i need to thvjdjcd but basically the byers house is all love man... so much love ..... they don't use colored lights anymore they only use the solid strands but they still have fun decorating together and will makes paper chains and stuff to hang up and i'm about to make myself cry

so!! this is getting super long fjvndmcmd

nancy is absolute dogshit at buying presents for people she's just terrible at it. she always just asks mike and holly and her parents what they want and buys exactly what they tell her and if they don't tell her anything then she has like a mental breakdown about it and panics and buys like. a flannel pajama gift set from the department store.

when she's dating steve he tells her not to worry about getting him anything which she takes at face value until her mom asks what she's giving steve like three days before christmas and then she starts panicking and she goes to a sporting goods store and just asks the first employee she sees what a teenage boy who plays basketball might like

steve can't tell if he should be like happy or vaguely offended that his girlfriend gave him like shoe deodorizers and a water bottle and socks for a sports team that he doesn't root for... she tried though and thats all he cares about

she and jonathan agree they'll exchange gifts but nothing over like MAX fifteen bucks which is easy she just finds a tape or a record she thinks he'll like and she's set (she spends a full hour in the music store and almost just gets a gift certificate for him but eventually she just says fuck it and picks some random shit she's never heard of and hopes he likes whatever it is)

mike on the other hand is actually like... insanely good at gift giving because he pays close attention to the people he cares about and he just like Knows if lucas or dustin or will is gonna like something

he just doesnt really buy into christmas all that much?? it's cool to get free stuff and eat cookies and all but he thinks people make it into a bigger deal than it should be

holly still believes in santa though so he likes seeing how excited she gets on christmas... it warms his cold tween boy heart.....

the first christmas he gets to spend with el he turns into a fucking christmas enthusiast and he makes her hot chocolate and gives her a tape full of christmas songs and he asks his mom for a bigger gift allowance because he has a GIRLFRIEND now and she's never- uh, THEY'VE never celebrated christmas TOGETHER so it has to be SPECIAL MOM!!!!

karen is like buddy calm down but it's so nice to see him excited about something again that she caves and gives him like forty bucks and tells him not to tell nancy or his dad

el and hopper christmas... i cannot go into detail or i WILL cry but hopper takes her with him to pick out their tree and she's so meticulous about it like examining all of them and he's just standing there in the cold freezing his ass off letting her do her thing because she's so excited that he doesn't have the heart to tell her they're basically all the same and to just hurry up and pick one

he gives her a lot of books... there are so many books under their ugly fucking tree because el picks one thats extremely crooked because she says it seems nice and hopper cant find any of his old decorations so they have to start from scratch...

el enlists the whole party for help finding hopper a present because it has to be the best present of all time!!!! they're like well what does he like and she's like uh tv.... coffee.... gun...... and they're like uh we can get him a coffee mug?

so on christmas morning el presents him with a "BEST DAD" mug full of candy and he hugs her so she won't see that he's fucking crying

she also gives max a drawing she did of max as wonder woman and it isn't very good but max says it's her favorite present she's ever gotten and she keeps it folded up in her nightstand

max has mixed feelings about christmas

i should not have saved her for last this is depressing

fuck her family fuck all of that okay max spends christmas eve with the sinclairs and christmas day with el because her mom and neil don't really feel like celebrating this year and so for the first time in a long time her christmas is full of love and joy and hopper makes them cinnamon rolls for breakfast which el has never had before and it's great

the party usually does a big gift swap and they don't get each other anything too fancy or expensive but it's sweet... they all gather in mike's basement like the day after christmas and eat the leftovers from the wheelers' christmas dinner and give each other comics and action figures and dice

once robin enters the picture she and steve lowkey get smashed on christmas eve together off peppermint schnapps and they play rockin around the christmas tree like ten times and jump around until they get dizzy...

they give each other little things like every other day leading up to christmas so by the end of december they've exchanged gifts like ten times but it isn't their FAULT okay!!! steve just saw these earrings and thought of her so he got them... and robin couldn't just leave that wham! crop top sitting in the store...... and steve couldn't resist the cheap bff necklaces he found while looking for a gift for erica....... and what is robin meant to do, ignore the stuffed kermit doll she saw in a store window?

it's just unrealistic

i like to think that everybody gathers at the byers house for lunch or dinner on christmas eve... they just hang out and exchange presents and make cookies and watch christmas movies and argue over which ones suck and which ones are actually good...... they just spend time together without any fear or danger and it's good

[jungshookz]

For the Christmas drabbles! Can you do a Drabble with demon yoongi and yn now that we know Yoongi’s feeling on Christmas. With Yoongi being an absolute grinch because it’s CHRISTmas? Alll I want for christmassssss~~~~ is that Drabble! Thank you!!!

🎄 pairing: min yoongi x reader

🎄 genre: demon!yoongi, angel!jimin, yoongi isn’t the biggest fan of christmas, yoongi is very vERy jealous of jimin, this gets a little spicy so nsFW, fluff of course

🎄 wordcount: 4.1k oof

🎄 notes: this was supposed to be a drabble but obviously i got carried away!! also a lot of u fell in love with angel!jimin (same) so he’s bACK!! 

(gif isn’t mine!)

(((and the read more function iS there but most of the time it doesn’t work on mobile :// i am sorry don’t attack me by sending passive-aggressive anon messages)))

yoongi’s always been a bit of a pessimist

it’s not his fault though!!!!!

he’s a demon

naturally he shines a more negative light on pretty much anything

and sometimes he doesn’t realise it but he takes it a little bit too far when he’s joking around and poking fun at your ‘dumb human traditions’

it’s just that he’s never really celebrated christmas before so he doesn’t take it as seriously as you do!!

“look at this poor, mangled tree. you should’ve left it in the forest where it belongs.” yoongi shakes his head as you hand him another bauble to put up

you suppress a sigh and roll your eyes as you bend down to pick up an ornament for yourself

it’s almost christmas which is your favourite time of the year!!!!

being surrounded by loved ones while enjoying sugar cookies and hot chocolate and opening up gifts is just!! it’s so wonderful and you take christmas very veRy seriously

and this is yoongi’s first christmas so you decided you wanted to make it extra special so you decided to put up the tree today even though you were going to save it for next week

also you’re a little tired from lectures today and your bones ache but sTILL you were like NopE today is the day that the christmas decorations are going to go up and it’s going to be great

you always have a lotta fun putting up christmas decorations

usually kook is here to help but you decided that this was just going to be a special you and yoongi thing this year

plus you’ll see him at your annual christmas party anyway so

anyways

it’s a little difficult to have fun when you have a literal demon next to you yapping your ear off talking about how stupid these decorations are and how dumb christmas is and ‘why would i want to spend my own hard-earned money on other people??’

you’ve been doing fine for the past two hours

tuning yoongi’s nonstop complaining out as you wrapped some sparkly tinsel around the stair railings

bit down on your tongue to keep yourself from yelling at yoongi as you shoved the pre-made sugar cookies into the oven

you even ignored his comments about your ‘childish’ reindeer antler headband and your ‘flashy’ snowflake earrings

but uh

now you’re 500% irritated and you don’t want to hear another complaint come out of yoongi’s mouth otherwise you’re literally going to explode out of anger

“i would rather go back to hell than put up another ornament.” yoongi mutters and looks at the candy cane ornament in his hand

that’s it

“you know what yoongi, if you don’t wanna do this, i’m not going to force you to, okay?” you snap and snatch the ornament away from yoongi and he’s like damn okay fine

he furrows his brows and watches as you aggressively hang the ornament up

“i was just kidd-“

“you’re always just kidding!!!”

oof

someone’s grouchy

yoongi doesn’t say anything (which is a smart move) but he bends down to grab a bauble from the box of christmas tree decorations

he jumps when you kick the box out of the way gently

“why don’t you go and check on the cookies or something?” you give him a pointed look before letting out a huff

yoongi purses his lips before raising his hands in defence

he turns to look at you over his shoulder as he steps over the boxes and heads to the kitchen

you’re not paying attention to him at all

now that yoongi has a moment of silence to think

..,,okay

he can admit that maybe he’s been a bit of a scrooge the entire day and you’ve done nothing but try to make christmas as fun as possible

and it’s not fair for him to bag on these christmas traditions just because he doesn’t typically celebrate christmas down in hell

but like jesus christ is his enemy after all

big yikes energy

he feels the guilt eating at him as he watches the cookies bake in the oven

okay okay okay

what can he do to cheer you up

finish decorating the rest of the house??

no he can’t do that because you’ve pretty much decorated the entire house alone while he stood there and complained

make more cookies???

no he can’t because those cookies are pre-made and you only bought one box of them

what use is an incubus when it comes to christmas

christmas sex by the fireplace??

no he can’t because it’s noT EVEN CHRISTMAS YET and you’ve taught him that also sex doesn’t solve everything (unfortunately)

yoongi freezes when he hears something

something that makes his heart drop to his stomach

a bead of sweat roll down the side of his forehead

okay he’s being a little dramatic but-

his eyes flicker up when he hears a twinkly little laugh

oh god

he knows that laugh

yoongi buRSts out of the kitchen and nearly trips over his feet

oh for fuCK’s SAKE

“yoongi! there you are! i was wondering why the usual stench of sulphur wasn’t present in the room.” jimin grins and giggles when you whack his arm playfully “kidding!”

“what are you doing here?” yoongi huffs and crosses his arms

he bites down on the inside of his cheek when jimin bends down and plucks a bauble out of the box of decorations

you didn’t kick the box away like you did with him

“i finished my duties early so i figured i’d stop by!” jimin hums and looks at the fully decorated tree

the two of you take a step back to look at the tree

“something’s missing…” jimin furrows his brows and strokes his chin

“yoongi broke like three baubles so the bald spots are kind of unavoidable” you shrug and turn to glare and yoongi and he’s like wha- i didN’T KNOW THEY Were so deLICATE

“oh! i know!” jimin gasps and snaps his fingers and you watch in amazement as he starts levitating off the ground until he’s at the top of the tree

jimin rubs his fingers together and you squeal in excitement when a mixture of silver and white glitter starts sprinkling down from his fingers onto the tree

“oh jimin that’s perfect!!!!! i love that!!!” you gasp and jimin nods excitedly as he continues dusting the tree and adding the final touches

yoongi scoffs and rolls his eyes

what a show off  

yoongi could totally do that too

he looks down at his hands

yoongi rubs his fingers together and winces when smokey ashes start sprinkling down from his fingers

whoops

not quite the same

“anyways - what was i talking about?” jimin lands on the ground and dusts off his hands

yoongi gives him an unimpressed look and crosses his arm again before tapping his foot on the ground impatiently

“you were in the middle of telling us why you’re here in the first place”

“he already told us it’s because he finished his duties early so he figured he’d stop by - if you were even listening.” you raise a brow and yoongi resists the urge to roll his eyes

he plops down on the couch and winces when the box of decorations fall off the couch from the bounce

he picks it up quickly

luckily it was just full of tinsel

“and it looks like i stopped by at just the right time because-“ jimin pauses and sticks his finger in the air

yoongi’s like wtf r u doing u loser

and suddenly the timer from the oven goes off “-the cookies are ready!”

“ooh, let me go get those!” you grin “you’re gonna loVe them jimin they’re all shaped like angels” you clap your hands together before scurrying off to the kitchen

“oh, yoongi. yoongi yoongi yoongi.” jimin sighs and shakes his head mockingly once you disappear into the kitchen

yoongi glares up at jimin “what.”

“you messed up big time, didn’t you?”

“i did no such thing”

“then why is y/n so mad at you?”

“she’s not mad at me and it’s none of your business”

“is it because you were being your usual grouchy self?” jimin tilts his head and yoongi’s like u already knOW it’s because i was being my usual grouchy self u dick

“you might be wondering why i came when i did” jimin starts cleaning up loose glitter and tinsel on the floor

“you already said it’s because you finished your-“

“one of my most important duties is making sure y/n is happy, you know.” jimin stands up quickly and holds up a finger

and yoongi’s like ? no it’s not

“…what do u mean”

“oh, haven’t you heard? i’m her guardian angel now. no longer just an angel - i’ve been promoted to guardian angel and they assigned me to y/n which means you’ll be seeing me around a lot more often. did she not tell you?”

yoongi can feel himself growing red from anger

“now now - no need to start a fire” jimin pats the top of yoongi’s head because it’s literally starting to sizzle and smoke up “so i’m going to need you to stay out of the way for a couple of hours so that i can improve y/n’s mood. i’ve already increased it significantly but i’d like for it to be at 100% before i leave.”

“are you implying that i don’t make her happy?” yoongi stands up and towers over jimin and jimin purses his lips before shrugging  

“i mean i’m not not implying that.”

that’s it

yoongi’s going to RIP jimin’s wings right off his back

“jiminie!!!!! i brought a cookie for you they’rE so good” you pop out of the kitchen before yoongi can luRch forward and strangle jiminiE

“they smell very good!”

you break off a piece of the cookie and hold it up to feed jimin and he takes it happily

yoongi automatically assumes that the other half is for him and he opens his mouth expectantly

you raise a brow at him before popping the other half into your own mouth

you chew

you swallow

and yoongi’s still standing there with an open mouth

“you can help yourself to a cookie. now - where were we?” you turn and wander back to jimin and jimin gives yoongi a knowing smirk

yoongi clenches his fist before letting out a huff and crossing his arms

“oh! the star! how could i forget about the most important part of the tree??” you take the glimmering gold star out of the box and hold it up “jimin, do you wanna put it up?”

wait but u said that yOONgi could put it up

this is supposed to be his thing!!

in fact this whole decorating thing was supposed to be your guys’ thing!!!!!!!!!

like yA he was being a dick but u made a promise and u can’t break ur promise like thIS

“wait but-“ yoongi pauses when you and jimin turn to look at him

he clears his throat

“i, uh, i thought you said that i could put up the star?” he scratches the back of his neck and avoids your gaze

“yeah. and?” you blink at yoongi and put a hand on your hip

yeah and

that’s your response

the two of you are having this silent veRy very intense stare down and jimin’s like [sweat] because you’re obviously not scared of yoongi even though you’re well aware of his capabilities as a literal demon

“fine. let jimin put your stupid star up.” yoongi snarls and you see his eyes flicker to black before he disappears into a cloud of smoke

if you let jimin put the damn star up you might as well start DAtinG Him tOO

he’s already your stupid guardian angel so taking it to a romantic level wouldn’t be out of the ordinary!! much more normal than a human willingly being in a romantic relationship with an incubus

frick

he hAtes this

he’s always been a little insecure about himself being a demon and all

and when jimin comes around with all his perfectness and his twinkles and glitter and warmth it makes yoongi feel like shit even tho it’s not jimin’s fault like yeah he’s an angel he’s supposed to be a figure of perfection

and now you and jimin are decorating the tree together which was supposed to be your guys’ thing but apparently not anymore!!!!!!

yoongi wants to live in purgatory for the rest of his life

you jump in surprise when yoongi disappears so suddenly

oh

he hasn’t done that in a while

he only goes into purgatory when something’s really really bugging him

okay

maybe u took it a little too far

u were a little rough on him

but to be fair hE started it- okAy but you should’ve taken the high road even tho u were frustrated you’re well aware that yoongi’s personality is just naturally like that and he’s been trained to think of jesus christ as his enemy so u can see why he keeps poking fun at all the traditions

you let out a sigh and toss the star onto the couch before turning to look at jimin who’s currently twirling a sprig of mistletoe between his fingers

hm

“yoongi?” you poke your head into the bedroom

you’ve checked everywhere else in the house but yoongi’s nowhere to be found

you thought that maybe he was just chilling in a room somewhere but obviously not

jimin left a while ago but u sent him off with some cookies and a kiss on the cheek (which probably wasn’t the best thing to do lol)

he told u about the whole guardian angel thing a while ago and yEs of course you were ecstatic about it but then u could see why yoongi would be upset about you not talking to him about that

you shut the bedroom door behind you

“look, i don’t know if you’re listening to me right now or not - i sure hope you are otherwise i look like an idiot talking to myself. i’m sorry, alright? i shouldn’t have broken my promise and i know i was being a little too petty, i admit it. can you come back now? i miss u” you murmur that last part and scratch the back of your neck when you’re met with silence

how come you didn’t tell me about jimin becoming your guardian angel?

you jump when you hear yoongi’s voice

ugh

he’s still in purgatory

“if you come back i’ll tell you”

no

you roll your eyes

don’t roll your eyes at me

“i didn’t tell you because i didn’t think it’d be a big deal. so what if jimin’s my guardian angel?? who cares??” you sigh exasperatedly “i don’t think i even need a guardian angel because i already have yoU but it’s always good to have extra protection. don’t you want me to be safe?”

i’m perfectly capable of keeping you safe

“i know you are, yoongs. but you know what the difference is?”

he has wings and i don’t? he’s an angel and i’m not? everyone celebrates him but everyone fears me??-

“i like jimin but i love you”

you’re met with nothing but silence and understandably you start getting a little nervous

you’re about to say something along the lines of ‘i meaN when i say love i mean like i really reALLy like u’ but all of a sudden yoongi poofs up and appears sitting on the edge of the bed

he clears his throat and avoids your gaze but you can see that his cheeks are a little flushed

yoongi??? blushing???????? the world must be ENDING

“ʸᵒᵘ ˡᵒᵛᵉ ᵐᵉˀ” he squeaks out and you can’t fight the FAT grin on your face

AW

HE’S,,, HE’S BEING SHY

“of course i love u” you rock back and forth on your heels and offer him a cute smile and his heart exploDes “don’t you love me?”

yoongi coughs into his fist and his eyes flicker toward the door

he physically cannot look you in the eye other wise he’s going to melt into a puddle of goop

“ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒᵘʳˢᵉ ᶦ ˡᵒᵛᵉ ᵘ ᵗᵒᵒ”

he coughs again and finally looks up at you

“of course i love you too.”

“so,, am i forgiven?” you purse your lips and take a little step closer to him

yoongi gives you an unimpressed look “did you just tell me you loved me so that it’d be easier for me to forgive you?”

“i’m realising that’s how it seems buT i have a peace offering for you too” you reach into your back pocket and pull out the sprig of mistletoe that jimin was playing with earlier

you hold it above your head and smile and yoongi expectantly and he’s like ?

“.,.,,is that a weed”

“it’s mistletoe! i’m holding it over my head so u have to kiss me and thaT’s the rule.”

ah

another silly christmas tradition

yoongi scoffs and leans back against his palms

you pout and look up at the mistletoe you’re holding above your head “you can’t not kiss me. that’s not how mistletoe works”

yoongi let out a sigh before shaking his head and gesturing for you to come closer

the holiday season is about forgiveness after all

“c’mere, you dummy” yoongi murmurs and you immediately swoops down to plant your lips against his

“see, i can get into the christmas spirit” yoongi purrs and pulls you down so that you’re straddling him

you giggle and give him another kiss

“do you, um, do you forgive me too?” yoongi asks sheepishly and reaches up to scratch the back of his neck

“mm, i dunno…” you tease “you were being a real dick today” you sigh “and you were being super immature around jimin-“

“sTop talking about jimin” yoongi whines and grabs your hips before pushing you down on the bed

you giggle as your head flops against the mattress

“just tell me u foRgive meEe” yoongi hovers over you and rubs his nose against yours

he already knows you’ve forgiven him but he needs to hear it otherwise he’ll feel bad

u know how earlier yoongi said that you taught him sex doesn’t solve everything

he’s about to prove that that is nOt entirely true

“forgive me now?” yoongi sighs against your neck and rolls his hips against yours

haH

you’re not thAt weak you’re not giving in that easily

“nope” you tsk and let out a bored sigh

you feel yoongi’s hand slither down and whOops your jeans have just been undone

“forgive me… now?” yoongi’s hand slides into your panties and he smirks against your neck because it definitely feELs like you’ve forgiven him

o h

maybe you’re a lot weaker than u originally thought

you feel a thrill down your spine when yoongi eases a finger into you without warning

“n-no..” you gasp and arch your back against the mattress and yoongi’s other hand comes up and he intertwines his fingers with yours

he presses a kiss behind your jaw and hums as you rock your hips into his hand

you whine when another finger slips into you alongside the other very easily

“you take my fingers so well, baby” yoongi praises and your hips twitch up from the bed

yoongi pulls away from you and leans back on his heels but he keeps his eyes glued on you

you look like you just stepped out of his wildest wet dream

your lips are slick and swollen from his kisses and you’ve got small blooms of blues and purples on your neck and your chest

your chest is rising up and down rapidly and soft whimpers and moans tumble from your lips as your fingers dig into the plush pillow behind you

fuck

he wants nothing more than to push into you and fuck you like there’s no tomorrow but he’ll start off with making you cum with his fingers before he gets to that

yoongi tilts his head and watches your eyelashes flutter when his thumb starts rubbing quick circles over your clit

“jimin could never make you feel this good, could he?”

oh god

you can barely breathe because your head is spinning with pleasure

“answer me, baby” yoongi grunts when your walls clench tighter around his fingers

he leans back down and starts pressing warm kisses to the spot under your ear

“no, n-no, he could never make me feel as good as you do” you manage to get out and yoongi smirks against your skin before he starts to double his efforts and concentration on that spot

“and you forgive me now?” his thumb starts rubbing quickEr circles over your clit and he pushes your hips down when they buck up

“yes, yesyesyEs i forgive y-you-!”

“mm, good girl” yoongi tuts and slams his fingers in before curling them upwards and oH fuCk you’re gonna cum like really reaLLY sOOn-

a sharp cry leaves your throat when the tension finally snaps and you cum a loT harder than ever before

you’re pretty sure your soul leaves your body for like a split second

yoongi hisses because your walls tighten significantly around his fingers and he takes his bottom lip in between his teeth as he fucks you through your orgasm

your thighs are trembling and your body is twitching slightly and you know what yoongi could stop there and let you relax for a bit but

he is a devil of a boy

which is how he ends up making you have anoTher orgasm right after this first one

except this time he makes you cum with his mouth because he wanted to spice it up a little

“you did so good for me, baby” yoongi wiggles you into a pair of clean panties before leaning down and pressing a kiss against your mouth and flopping down next to you

“i hate you” you pant softly and yoongi grins and turns to look at you and your flushed cheeks

“that’s not what u said when my face was buried in between your legs”

yoongi now knows what his favourite christmas tradition is

it starts with a mistle and ends with a toe

MISTLeTOE

HE LOVES MISTLETOE

now thAT’s the good kush

hold up a tiny little weed above someone’s head and the person has to kiss you??? genius

but uh

you have to admit

yoongi’s having a little too much fun with mistletoe

but you can’t get mad at him because he’s finally interested in a christmas tradition

you’ve been giving him kisses all day which is not what you’re complaining about because you loVe kissing your boyfriend

but like

u have so much to do to prepare for christmas and yoongi is being very distracting

at one point you ended up making out on the couch for like ten minutes and when you were like ok i have to go buy more baubles for the tree yoongi whIPPed the mistletoe out from his back pocket and held it over you and was like!!! u have to kiss me!!! u said those were the rules!!!

“oh y/n~” yoongi sing-songs and you let out a sigh as you pull the cookies out of the oven

“yes, yoongi?” you set the cookies down before turning to face him and peeling the oven mitts off

“come n give me another kiss” yoongi wiggles his brows as he holds the mistletoe above his crotch

…classic

🎄the twelve drabbles of christmas! 🎄

❄️do you have a special christmas request? ❄️

[purplesurveys]

1028

survey by lets-make-surveys

1 - What was the last thing you watched on TV? The last TV show I watched was Friends, but the last thing I saw on TV was the evening news, as is always our companion when having dinner.

2 - Do you have the heating or air conditioning on at the moment? I have the fan on, like always. I just turn on the aircon in the evening because I want to be comfortable after a long day and when trying to fall asleep.

3 - When was the last time you did something to help someone else? Andi was having a dilemma about an already-secure job offer for a position they don’t 100% like vs. a job they know they would enjoy a lot more but isn’t guaranteed at all. I helped weigh out the pros and cons with them, but I didn’t necessarily stick to a position as I didn’t want to dictate a choice for them.

4 - If you have a job, have you been busier or quieter since the whole COVID thing hit? I was a student, then was unemployed, then got hired throughout this COVID fiasco so far. For the first two, life had been quiet for me and I really hated feeling like having no contribution at home. My plate is definitely a lot fuller now and I’m glad I have things to do and earn for myself while doing so.

5 - Do you spend more time on your own or with others? Are you happy with that? On my own. I think it’s best for me at the moment.

6 - Do you know anyone who has been diagnosed with autism? Yes.

7 - Have you had your wisdom teeth removed? What about your tonsils or your appendix? None of these. I’ve had a tooth removed, but it wasn’t a wisdom tooth.

8 - Are you scared of needles? Very. I hate most sharp things, and I am an embarrassment whenever I’m at the hospital and need to be pricked with something.

9 - Do you dress more for comfort, fashion or practicality? I try to strike a balance between comfort and fashion, but sometimes I’ll prioritize comfort and sometimes I’ll prioritize fashion. But practicality is definitely barely in my criteria when picking outfits.

10 - When was the last time you smoked a cigarette? I think it may have been February. I only smoke with other people and I’ve never bought my own pack.

11 - Would you rather drink tea, coffee, hot chocolate or water? In the grand scheme of things, water. But right now, a hot chocolate sounds heavenly.

12 - Do you have a lot of ornaments around your house? Yes. We also have our Christmas tree already up, so that has also boosted the amount of ornaments we have.

13 - Do you own more books or DVD’s? Books. While I have a number of DVDs, I never really an avid collector of them. My dad introduced me to torrent websites at a young age so that’s how I’ve been getting movies for the longest time.

14 - How often would you say you took surveys? Throughout the quarantine I had taken surveys daily. But with me now having work and usually being too exhausted by the end of the day, I think I’ll be back to taking surveys only on weekends now like how it was when I was in school. 

15 - Have you ever worn a uniform to school or work? Yes, I had to wear a uniform in my old school.

16 - Who was the first person you had a sleepover with? Are you still in touch with that person today? It would have to be either Angela or Gabie. Yes, I still talk to both.

17 - When you were growing up, did you have any friends who were almost like family to you? Katreen’s and Angela’s families were second families to me. For a time back in grade school, Katreen’s mom actually used to pick me up alongside Katreen every Friday and then I would stay at their place until around 9 PM, when my mom would get back from work and pick me up. They did such a wonderful job making me feel like family, and I hope they’re all doing well today.

18 - Could you cook an entire Christmas or Thanksgiving Dinner entirely on your own with no help from other people or recipe books? Yes but it would not be edible.

19 - Do you cook from scratch or do you rely more on ready meals or frozen food? I rely on people in my family who can actualy cook, ha.

20 - What’s your favourite type of fast food? Is it something you eat often? KFC would have to be my favorite. Those 11 herbs and spices don’t fuck around, man. It’s not the cheapest of fast food options, so I don’t get to have it a lot and it’s usually tradition for me to get KFC only when I feel like I deserve a reward for an accomplishment or after a grueling week.

21 - If you’ve been under a lockdown or stay-at-home order, what did you find the most difficult about it? Not having been able to see my friends, go out as a group, and stay out late. Also, not getting a normal college graduation and being unable to spend my last semester as a college student just being a dumb college student doing dumb college student things.

22 - Do you still buy or read any magazines? I’ll sometimes read the online versions of magazines especially if one of them comes out with a compelling article, but I don’t follow any of them religiously.

23 - As a teenager, what did you spend most of your pocket money or allowance on? I went out with friends on the weekends, so my savings mostly went to food and Uber (back when we still had Uber, and back when none of us could drive yet).

24 - Do you have much of a sweet tooth? I have my moods for sure, but I love savory a lot more.

25 - Are there any common “popular” foods that you don’t particularly like yourself? Have people ever told you you’re odd/strange for disliking that particular food? Fruits. I get judged for it all the time, but I honestly live for the reactions hahaha. To this day it’s still my go-to fact to say whenever I have to share something about myself. There’s also sinigang, but that is such a universally-loved food and is such a huge source of pride for Filipinos that I just keep it to myself because people get genuinely annoyed/offended when they hear that I don’t like sinigang LOL

26 - Likewise, are there are any commonly hated foods that you love? BALUT

27 - Would you rather eat pizza or pasta? Pizza. Easy.

28 - Do you own a lot of store loyalty cards? I just have the one for my gas station, so no.

29 - When was the last time you read a newspaper? I had to view a newspaper article for work yesterday, but I have not read a full newspaper in years.

30 - What kind of noises can you hear around you right now? There’s the fan in my room and construction outside our house.

--

survey by lets-make-surveys

1 - Do you have a car? How long have you had it and how much did it cost? Yeah but it’s technically not mine; my parents made the purchase and they gave it to me as a high school graduation present. They’re also the ones who take care of and pay for its maintenance, like taking it to oil changes; so literally my only contribution has been to drive it HAHAHA. I’ve been driving it since 2016 and I’m pretty sure it cost them less than a million bucks. It was probably around P800,000–900,000.

2 - Who was the last person to send you a message on Facebook? Andi was checking up on how I’ve been. I appreciated that.

3 - What did you have for breakfast this morning? I haven’t had it yet but I will probably skip it. I might make myself coffee, though.

4 - Do you have any scented candles lit at the moment? I never have any scented candles.

5 - When was the last time you left your house? When will be the next time you go out? Yesterday afternoon. There was nothing left to do for work and my superiors hadn’t been asking me to do any tasks anymore, so I went out to get myself Starbucks before my shift was actually over, haha oops. I might be going out next Tuesday to pick up my new card from the bank.

6 - Does anyone in real life follow your survey blog? If so, does it make you think twice about some of your answers? If not, are you ever paranoid that someone will find your blog and read your answers? No. My sister has been wanting to make a survey blog but she just never got around to making it because she thinks she’ll end up being inactive; but that’s about it on the irl people front. If she ever makes one, I’d prefer we didn’t follow one another as doing so would make things awkward.

7 - When was the last time someone stopped talking to you? Have you made up with that person since? Gabie doesn’t speak with me regularly anymore. We’re not on bad terms so there’s nothing to make up, but she has told me it’s out of shame that she doesn’t initiate conversations with me these days. 

8 - Who was the last person you argued or bickered with? I haven’t had an argument with anyone in a while.

9 - Do you have anything planned for the rest of the day? If you’re about to go to bed, what are your plans for tomorrow? Catch up on surveys as I haven’t done them all week, anddddd figure out what to do with my embroidery kit as I’ve run out of the provided thread :(

10 - Did you have any e-mails in your inbox the last time you checked? It’s the weekend so no, I haven’t received anything new.

11 - What time did you wake up this morning? Did you have to set an alarm or did you wake up naturally? It was 7:08 AM when I had checked. I just woke up naturally.

12 - When was the last time it snowed where you live? Probably when it was still a part of Pangaea or something. We don’t get snow on this side of the world and the nearest place that does is probably like South Korea, which is not near us at all.

13 - Does it bother you if you’re wearing odd socks? Like, mismatched ones? No, I find it cute actually.

14 - Is there anything small that bothers you way more than it should? Right now. I had sent out an event invite to certain media last Thursday for work, and one of them replied only by 6 PM last night. I only saw it by 9:30 and replied, then she got back with a question by around 9:50 PM, and at that point I decided against replying because it was already nearing 10 PM and I didn’t want to be rude. I want to reply today but it’s the weekend and I don’t wanna be the jerk that brings up work on the weekend, but I also don’t want to leave her hanging because I had technically cut our conversation short. 

OK I spent the next 30 minutes thinking about it and I ended up replying hahaha. It just didn’t sit well with me to blow her off for the weekend when her last message was a question for me. So I answered her for her clarification, but I just made sure to let her know there’s no pressure for her to get back to me this weekend.

15 - Would you rather read a book, watch a film or play a video game? Watch someone play a video game, tbh.

16 - Why did you last attend a doctors’ appointment? Because my fever wasn’t going away and I wanted to get rid of it so bad.

17 - Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? The person from Pizza Hut who took my order, I think? lol

18 - How many different colours have you dyed your hair over the years? is your hair your natural colour at the moment? I’ve never had it dyed, so it has always been black.

19 - Do you prefer sweet or savoury snacks? I have moods for both, but as a whole I think I’d go for savory.

20 - When was the last time you got up to use the bathroom? A couple of hours ago.

21 - Do you spend more money on shoes or clothes? I spend more often on clothes but they aren’t always necessarily expensive. I don’t buy shoes often, but when I do they’re usually quite expensive, so. I’m not sure how to answer this question, but it goes two ways for me.

22 - Are you glad that Biden won the 2020 elections? I’m glad he won but at the end of the day he’s still just the lesser evil. I won’t really know anything until I see him and his moves in office, so I’ll have to wait until then.

23 - What kind of things do you do to try and save the planet? I segregate, turn off the faucet when it isn’t being used, never turn on my bedroom light, and before Covid I’d pick up trash I’d see at the mall.

24 - Are you, or have you ever been, vegetarian or vegan? I haven’t been either but I do opt for vegan options when I see one on the menu.

25 - What was the last thing you threw in the bin/garbage? A cotton bud.

26 - How many times a week do you exercise? Do you think that’s enough or should you really be doing more? I never do. I know I should probably do so, but eh.

27 - When was the last time you had to cancel or re-arrange plans you'd made? What was the reason behind it? LOL well...I’m currently having to rearrange and revise and adjust my entire life plans because of this stupid breakup.

28 - Have you ever had to wear braces? Yes. But I’ll have to avail them again because I did a terrible job keeping my retainers on.

29 - What cut of jeans do you prefer? Mom jeans that are a little more loose than skinny jeans, but aren’t too baggy.

30 - If you’re planning to spend the day at home, do you get properly dressed or just wear pyjamas? I wear my usual getup of a t-shirt/tank top and shorts.

--

survey by lets-make-surveys

1 - What’s the biggest argument you’ve ever had with a family member? Did things ever go back to how they were beforehand? It was an argument with the entire family, sans my sister who stayed silently watching during the whole thing as she hates conflict. We had just flown back to Manila from a vacation and we were all just tired and impatient and hungry, my mom found a way to shift the blame on me as per usual, some words were exchanged, and my brother ended up slapping me and it was on hell on earth from there. Things weren’t ok for a whole week, but slowly life went back to normal without us ever acknowledging it because we’re dysfunctional as fuck. The one thing that never ended up changing is my dynamic with my brother, with whom I stopped speaking permanently after what he did.

2 - Have you ever experienced some kind of natural disaster? A lot; my country is a big hot spot for typhoons, so we don’t really have a choice but to go through several of them every year. Sometimes it’ll get bad enough for us to make it to international news because our government doesn’t really do anything to help out victims.

3 - If you have pets, do you feed them human food or do they just get regular pet food? If they do get human food, what’s their favourite thing to have? They both get human food. I’m not sure what Cooper’s favorite is as Nina primarily feeds him; but Kimi is most obsessed with chicken.

4 - Have you ever been in a physical fight? Who won? Just play wrestling matches with my cousin when we were kids. He always won as he was older and a lot bigger than me.

5 - What were you lighting the last time you used a lighter or matches? I don’t light stuff up on my own because I’m scared of fire, but the last time we used matches was for lighting up our emergency candles because of the power outage from last week.

6 - What’s the weather currently doing where you are? It is annoyingly humid. I had to open my windows and roll up my window blinds today, which I hate having to do because it makes neighbors able to see my room and what I’m doing here -_____- I feel like I’m giving away my privacy every time I have to have the blinds up just to have colder air in.

7 - The last time you got up from your seat, what did you go and do? Before doing this I came from bed. When I felt like doing a survey I just got up and headed to my work desk.

8 - Name five things you’ve done so far today: Received a package for something I bought online, made myself a sandwich, ate cheese-flavored corn chips, watch a half-season of Friends, and bought another embroidery kit online (I’ve been calling it ‘cross-stitch’ this whole time but apparently that is wrong, whoops). Not a very productive Saturday, but it’s honestly ok considering I’m left exhausted from the past week.

9 - What’s the mode of transport that you take or use the most? I drive myself.

10 - When was the last time you got caught in a rain or snow storm? Were you dressed for it or did you end up getting soaked? Start of the month. I was driving to take Cooper to the vet when it suddenly started raining super hard, but it was only upon arriving at the clinic that I realized there wasn’t any umbrella in the car. Had to make a quick dash from the car to the nearest shade, all the while keeping Cooper under my jacket so that he stayed dry. I was soaked as shit but he was kept dry, which was all that mattered.

11 - Did your favourite Disney film come out before or after you were born? I have two favorites: Toy Story came out three years before I was born, but Tangled came 12 years after my birth.

12 - Are you a fan of musicals? No, I never saw the appeal.

13 - What the last thing you spent money on apart from necessities? My favorite coffee from Starbucks. It’s a win-win situation for me at the moment: my mom is asking for a Starbucks planner for Christmas, which means all I need to do for her gift is to keep ordering coffees from there until I’ve collected enough stickers to be entitled to a planner, heheh.

14 - Are there any sequels to things that you prefer to the original? Ooh, I’m not the biggest fan of movies that come in multiple parts so I don’t know if I have any picks. I can name covers that I like than the original songs, though.

15 - How often do you lose the remote control? I haven’t really sat down in front of a TV to watch shows since high school, so I haven’t temporarily lost a remote control since then.

16 - When was the last time you had problems with your internet connection? Last Thursday and Friday but only because the power went out.

17 - What games do you play on your phone, if any at all? I play 1010 the most, but I’ve got tons of other games that are just sitting in my menu just in case I’m suddenly in the mood to play them.

18 - Aside from family, who was the last person you spent time with? How do you know that person? I dunno, I guess the people in my work meeting video call yesterday afternoon? It was my first meeting with that particular team as the newbie at work, so I don’t actually know all of them that well yet.

19 - Are you currently warm, cold or just right? I am hot and irritated by it.

20 - Do you prefer showers or baths? When was the last time you had either? Showers; my last one was yesterday. My last bath was...no clue. Two years ago, maybe?

21 - Do you spend a lot of money on your appearance? I used to spend a lot on clothes, yeah, at least before Covid. But right now there really has been no point in upgrading my wardrobe, so I haven’t been buying any new pieces.

22 - When was the last time you spent more than £100 on something? Was it a necessity like a bill, or a treat for yourself? I have never spent ₱6,408 in one sitting, whether it be for myself, for a necessity, or for someone else. That’s crazy and will probably take a couple more years before I see myself making transactions that huge.

23 - Would you rather swim in the sea, a lake or a pool? Seeeeeeeea. I always feel at peace in the sea, and ugh I miss it so much.

24 - Have you ever had a zoo keeper experience or anything where you’ve been able to go behind the scenes and look after/feed the animals? I wouldn’t call it a zookeeper experience, but we went to some sort of animal park in Bali that let me carry and interact with all sorts of animals.

25 - Would you ever want the responsibility of being a politician or a similar position of power? Probably not. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it.

26 - How many times a week do you go to the grocery store? My parents go at least once a week to buy groceries.

27 - When was the last time you got a takeaway coffee or drink? Last night. Being able to earn money and spend it on myself and never have to ask from my parents anymore has been one of the highlights of my year so far, aaaahhhhh

28 - Do you quote films or TV shows as you’re watching them? If I love the film and memorize a chunk of the dialogue, yes. The movie I quote the most as I watch it is most definitely Titanic.

29 - What’s something your parents do that really annoys you? My dad doesn’t really do anything that annoys me. My mom doesn’t knock.

30 - If you had to quarantine for two weeks tomorrow due to testing positive to COVID, would you be able to survive on the things you had in your house? Yes. I’ll be locked in my room but my dad will probably be bringing me food, just the way he did when I got sick last May and had to isolate myself.

[theliterateape]

Fifty-Four Years Doesn’t Seem Like That Long: What I Absorbed In the Past 365 Days

By Don Hall

Every birthday since I was in eighth grade, I have spent some going through the year I just ended and looked for the lessons it held for me. Today, I turn to page fifty-four in the Book, so here are the lessons of Year 54. I recognize first, that a few of these lessons have been lessons learned over and over for years and second, that some lessons are contradictory with others. Such is the road I travel and it’s a fair guess we all travel.

Year 54 was a trip. As in, literally a trip to the desert. After thirty years in Chicago, Dana and I packed our shit, hopped in vehicles, and traveled 2,000 miles west to up end our lives and forge new territory. It was a year of jumping of a cliff. It was year of lotsa moving. It was a year of lessons.

As I started Year 54, I was living in a bedroom in Humboldt Park in the home of the guy we were moving with to Vegas. We had already gone there and found a house. We had an arrangement to help him move his ridiculous mountain of stuff, he would pay for the move, and we’d take on a portion of the mortgage as co-owners once we settled.

LESSON #1: There’s No Such Thing As Free.

Yes, we agreed to the move. It was much less expensive to get our home across the country in exchange for labor and the agreement to share a home. We had no idea how much labor would be involved and how little input we would have concerning living arrangements. 

There were the flags of crimson that popped up. 

For Christmas, he wanted a tree. He and Dana went to Home Depot (a place of almost religious fervor for him) and, in her impatience as he limped through the aisles looking for random tools and containers to impulse buy, she grabbed a tree, paid for it, and took it out to his truck. He was so upset that it wasn’t exactly the tree he wanted, he pouted like a child for three days. He didn’t decorate with us. When we went to Kansas, he took the tree down almost immediately and, in the process, haphazardly combined all of our legacy and family ornaments into a box that went rogue by the time we arrived in Vegas a month later. Grown men don’t act like this, I thought, but we were already in for a pound.

When he flew to Nevada and Dana and Kelli (his long-time roommate) drove his truck out there, I was left to get all of his stuff and our stuff on the moving truck and clean his now sold home spotless. He woefully underestimated the amount of shit he had to move and, as a result, I had to drop a grand to make sure the moving company didn’t just drop all of it off in an alley.

Combining this with the very trappings of Las Vegas where every offer of free play is merely an invitation to get hooked on the buzz of slots and spend your kid’s leukemia money, the idea that anything is free is just silly. Everything in life has fine print somewhere and, baby, you get exactly what you pay for. The delusion of free feels nice until the hidden bill comes.

✶

Once in Vegas, I had set up a number of interviews and meetings in order to land some quality money-making gigs. I interviewed at the MGM Grand, Caesar’s Palace, the UFC, the Make-A-Wish Foundation. I had meetings with KNPR, UNLV, and The Black Mountain Institute. I had all the expectation that my Chicago street cred would get me into the places I was looking at.

LESSON #2: High Expectations Amount to Big Disappointments.

It turned out that while I was well-received, no one would hire me. It took me a bit to figure out that my Chicago experience didn’t really translate well to this new area and that my decade with public radio basically made me too expensive for the more academic crowd. 

When I finally figured out that freelancing events in Vegas was far more daunting than my high expectations warranted (EX: In Chicago, an Events Representative was a job that entailed, you know, working on events. In Vegas, an Events Representative is the guy holding a spinning sign outside a business) I started looking for just about any gig that paid.

LESSON #3: Ego Is the Fucking Worst Baggage You’ll Carry.

Starting over from scratch is the bargain we made but my perception of myself was from my thirty years in Chicago. Here, while I had no bridges burned I also had no reputation of any kind and it was a struggle to reconcile these things. At this point the most difficult challenge was to ignore my ego and sack up. There were a few days when I couldn’t get past the reality that these fucking people didn’t know who I was. The ego developed over thirty years in the Chi was a bitch to ditch. I had to accept the reality that starting over was exactly that.

Dana landed a job at a casino bowling alley that was far beneath her perceived value. I bounced from working as a window sales rep

LESSON #4: Any Job That Requires You Wear a Lime Green Polo Shirt is Bullshit.

and quit after three weeks. I found a job at a high-end hat store in the Venetian (part time) and settled in a bit.

Backing at the Hoarder Ranch (later to known as Trash Island) our Christmas Tree Pouter was in full swing. He often slept during the day in the living room and would go out to the shed he built to work on random projects in the middle of the night. As Dana and I opted to move into the tiny box one-bedroom converted garage to have some privacy and some escape, he loitered around, demanding attention, and trying to pay us to go out and get him cigarettes and Mountain Dew.

LESSON #5: A Transactional Relationship Will Always Be Transactional.

LESSON #6: Jumping Off a Cliff Is Only Scary the Moment Before You Jump. The Rest Is Simply Navigation.

It’s sort of that Hannibal thing where you burn the bridges behind you so there’s only the forward road to take. Once you’re committed to the journey, the only real choices are figuring out how you land. The number of times I went back to re-examine our choices leading up to moving was staggering — late nights as Dana slept peacefully in the crummy bedroom and I sat in my robe at a desk in the next room wondering “What the fuck have I done? What am I supposed to do now?” It reminded me of both my divorces and the final break up with Alice in that, in the absence of the malicious relationship that had defined my every waking moment, I longed for more of it to cover me up in a soiled, stinking blanket. Familiarity, regardless of the quality of it, is a salve to uncertainty.

The first four months were peppered with whole days seeped in self doubt. Spending two weeks with nothing more than $1.42 in my bank account. Looking at my Prius and begging whatever arcane gods exist that it last just a few more days. Putting on the optimistic pose for Dana as her naturally pessimistic outlook felt like that moment driving in the dark when you seriously ponder the possibility of just turning off the headlights and gunning the accelerator and crashing yourself on the rocks of “At least I get to control this outcome.”

Leaving Chicago was a divorce. A disengaging with the reality that, in a life of not truly fitting in with any crowd, I no longer fit in with an entire city.

✶

In the face of the fact that my resume and reputation from Chicago meant fuckall to employers in Vegas, I applied to a host of places—restaurant management positions, public school positions, retail, and briefly flirted with Uber and Lyft. A Days Inn attached to a small casino called about interviewing for an Assistant Hotel Manager gig. I went in. The Manager and I talked. I was comfortable enough at the Hat Shop so the prospect of working at a hotel off the strip was mostly about making more dough. The next day, I was asked to come in again. This Director told me flat out he thought I was all wrong for the hotel but had I considered casino management?

One more interview with the General Manager and I was offered an opportunity. Operations Manager of a casino in Las Vegas. Entry level pay but, given my utter absence of any experience in a casino, it felt like being noticed. I mean, in Vegas, casino is the primary business so getting in on that at 53 years old was very intriguing. Certainly a tiny, dive bar version of a casino but complete with slot machines, a bar, and a Sportsbook, this felt as if I was going to Casino College. I left the Hat Shop the next day.

LESSON #7: Take the Job That Seems the Most Interesting Because All Jobs Are Just Jobs But Interesting Jobs Have the Most To Give.

While I started at the Wild Wild West and a modest income started flowing in, Dana decided she’d had all she could stand at the bowling alley (she simply has no patience for bad managers). We also decided to move (again) to remove ourselves from Trash Island, the increasingly hostile (now) landlord (who, in a fit of pique, turned off our internet), and the east side of Las Vegas (a place Dana described as “the ass end of broke dick.”).

Framing the casino management gig as both a means to learn this business and make some cash doing it and the makings of a really fun book about this sub-sub-set of casino life made it an easy choice to make. Jump into the dingy pond of the West and drink heartily from its possibilities.

LESSON #8: While Still Just Stuff, Your Own Stuff Provides Stability and Comfort.

Finding an apartment was surprisingly easy. The place was small but far larger than the garage we’d grown accustomed to and the complex had two swimming pools and much closer proximity to my work and humanity. The move was a bit fraught as I was hellbent to get as far away from the Crippled Dick (who stood by as we packed our things into a rented U-Haul with a pistol on his hip as if we suddenly represented a threat).

In no time, we were surrounded by furniture and things we brought from Chicago — our stuff. As we expanded into our new digs, the feeling of having finally arrived in Vegas started to creep in and the freedom of making our own way dawned.

Back in the days before the move but after the ignoble dismissal from the public radio sphere vocationally, I decided that working for myself was the thing. I worked that freelance dance with gusto. Sure, I was taken advantage of by major Chicago institutions (Chicago History Museum, anyone?) and found that getting paid was like extracting teeth but I leapt into it.

Freelancing in a new city with a completely different definition of events proved more daunting.

LESSON #9: Freelancing is Three Times as Much Work as Working for the Man

I love the seeming freedom of freelance work. Getting up when you want to, working often from home, the sense of the hustle. Were I single, it might be exactly how I’d pursue the day but I’m not. I have a larger responsibility to a partnership and providing regular money at regular intervals is a part of the bargain. A more selfish me would leap into the almost non-existent LiveLit scene and forge what I had forged in Chicago and there is a bit of a siren song to gravitate to that lifestyle.

Turns out that I prefer working with a definite paycheck, easily deposited in my bank account every two weeks, than the fucking scramble to achieve financial freedom on a twenty-four hour basis. It’s good to have those freelance skills but it’s also good to be able to relax into a day job. Dana thought she was looking for a day job and discovered she prefers freelance.

The best lesson is that no matter how broke you are, no matter how destitute you might flirt on the edge with, there is almost always a way through unless you simply give up. If I decided tomorrow to quit the gig in the casino, devote my golden years to writing the Great American Novel or caring for the homeless, I would find a way to feed myself, provide a roof over my head, and carry on. Dana is an amazing partner and we got this.

LESSON #10: No Matter How Broke You Are, There is Almost Always a Way Through Unless You Simply Give Up. 

In addition to my own experience, I learned and re-learned this from the patrons of the casino. Sure, there are plenty of compulsive gamblers on property and it is my job to make sure their experience is positive. There are far more who have really lived some life and continue to get up, go to work, then come and have a few drinks and try their hand at some potential winnings. Gambling is all about hope — hope that it’s your day to hit the jackpot, hope that that next hand is the one to create the windfall, hope that you can be a winner.

Giving up is an absence of hope. I’m fucking surrounded by hope tinted with despair every day now.

The “training” I received for the management gig was completely half-assed. More of a Here are a Few Things You Have to Know, Don’t Do This No Matter What, Now GO!! This approach is a bit teetery, especially considering that I’m dealing with incredible complex Nevada Gaming Laws and the constant presence of surveillance cameras. Fuck up and you’re fired and we’re watching you all the time.

✶

LESSON #11: Online Friends Are Rarely your Actual Friends.

I’ve known this for a long time now but it didn’t really land until this year.

At one point in the second half of the year, I realized that Facebook was becoming more burden than tool. So I unfriended over 4,000 people (most of whom I had never met) and kept about 500 who I could pick out in a line-up. I did it in an impulse at the poolside of the Stratosphere on a 112-degree day. I could barely see the screen on my iPhone as the sun was so incredibly bright.

The first bit of impact was that all of a sudden I was seeing posts from people I knew but had not heard from in a long time. The glut of too many strangers was clogging up the view; the overshare of thousands of voices was too loud to allow those smaller moments of “Ah! He has a kid now!” and “Whoa! She’s a conservative?”

The second occurred as I culled the list. The number of people whom I saw as friends wasn’t honest. I harbored great resentment toward those whom rode that social fence and watched as I was bullied and flamed by assholes in Chicago so I erased them from my online roll call. The climate of high partisan morality meant that there were a few whom I have genuine affection for but whom I cannot have a rational online discussion (Jesus. That’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one!) so I eliminated them but with the quick message explaining that I cared too much for them as a person to continue to be present for their online daily performative diary.

The tool of Social Media is now a bit more manageable and a bit less present.

✶

Based on lessons of the past, I really dug into my previous assertion to be less Kirk, more Spock. As a younger man, I was a whole buncha angry and reactionary. I sought fairness and achievement. My social capital was extremely important (even into my fifties this was true). I feel as if I’ve been getting closer to some sort of line in the sand to cross over, one side that signals me as Strident Idealist, the other that holds the trappings of Optimistic Pragmatist. I have been the former, I’m becoming the latter.

It all boils down in the sauce pan to the rue of choice.

LESSON #12: Your Emotional State, Just Like Your Life Circumstances, Just Like What You Have for Lunch, Is a Choice.

If I’m angry and aggrieved, I chose to be that. If I am filled with anxiety—over my past, over the news, over money — I must want to be anxious because I chose it.

At fifty-four, I hope wisdom comes in making better choices both minuscule and epic in scale.

By the time I hit the Fall of 2019, things were groovin’. Dana was finding freelance gigs and it turns out, I’m damn good at casino management. And, oh my gawd, the stories!

LESSON #13: Every Person You Encounter Is a Story. Pay Attention and the Mysteries of the Universe Will Unfold.

I don’t know how long my tenure at the Wild Wild West will be. Las Vegas is a city of hustle and transience and the act of moving from one experience to the next is embedded in the DNA of every business, every venue, every stretch of road. It is also a place of a truly American mise-en-scéne. The casino is the Melting Pot writ large in bygone times. Rich, poor, men, women, heterosexual and homo, black, white, foreign and domestic, Left, Right, and Libertarian all participating in the hopeful pursuit of the payout of capitalism.

I’ve had long conversations with:

A twenty-three-year-old prostitute from Idaho who came here to be a spokesmodel and made some pretty poor choices along the way.

A sixty-six-year-old millionaire Big Oil executive with more money and time on his hands yet still feeling a need to hide from the world.

A thirty-five-year-old limo driver with dreams of hitting it big on sports betting so he can start his own fleet of cars.

A fifty-three-year-old TimeShare saleswoman whose husband left her a few years back and she’s happier than ever to be alone.

A thirty-year-old construction journeyman in town to work on the Raiders Stadium who spends his off-time shooting his collection of guns at local ranges and playing video poker. He’s also incredible worried he’ll be a terrible father to the baby that’s coming soon.

A seventy-seven-year-old retired economics professor who is living out his last days (his words) analyzing the workings of craps and visiting the desert nature with his wife of fifty years.

The ridiculous, wonderful quilt of human existence wanders into this tiny dive bar casino and its Days Inn from everywhere in the world and covers me in stories every day. I don’t know if there are answers to the Big Questions of Life and It’s Meaning but if I am to find them, I’m pretty sure their right here in the people I dance in tandem with daily.

Once I do leave the Wild Wild West Gambling Hall for some other place in Vegas, I’ll take a month or so and write a book about it. Like so many places I’ve never even imagined, this place is like a Roald Dahl invention and I’m digging my own personal Chocolate Factory.

LESSON #14: Management Is About Fostering Trust Rather Than Intimidation

As a younger man I’ll admit I was a bit...angry. Demanding. Aggressively pushing my agenda forward. You know... typical male. I used to say that more people left WNEP Theater because I lost temper than for any other reason. Not a pretty picture in hindsight despite the many great successes artistically.

As a casino manager I’ve found that I’m the “nice manager” and a large part of that comes from my understanding that, in an environment of constant surveillance and a draconian process of administrative discipline, I’d rather my staff trust me than work in fear of making mistakes. The flip side is that some staff members and guests take advantage of my softer approach but I’d rather be taken advantage of once in a while than rule by an iron hand.

This approach is at odds with the corporate policies more often than not. The casino business is built in part on an intentional distrust of everyone involved. There are patrons who are so seeped in the get mine at the expense of everyone else mentality that sniffing out the folks who claim the machine stole their money and faking a fall in order to get a free hotel room for the night is a necessary skill to develop. The staff member who clocks in just a bit early and just a bit late to pad their paycheck a bit is always going to be there.

These people are not, in my experience, in the majority and changing my approach to protect against the few only to punish the many is a poor strategy in life.

LESSON #15: I’d Rather Let the World Change Around Me Than Have the World Wear Me Down

Imagine a rock in a river. The water rushes past and due to the presence of the rock, must diverge its forward push to accommodate the obstacle. Certainly, over time, the water reshapes the rock’s edges but the fundamental nature of the rock is that the outer edges protect the inner strength. 

Being surrounded by gamblers, grifters, pessimists, and cynics the temptation is to adapt to reflect the reality these people puke out. It is a reality that posits kindness as weakness, justice as a sword rather than a scale, honesty as vulnerability, and shame as a weapon. The easier road to travel is the one that acquiesces to these concepts and allowing the water to fundamentally change your behavior to reflect these noxious values. I reject that easier road. The water will divert its path to accommodate my optimism, good humor, and fundamental belief in humanity.

A substantial part of this lesson is rooted in the expectation theory which is at odds with Lesson #2. The theory (one I learned in college) is simply that if we have low expectations for people, people will accommodate that. If we have high expectations, the result will match that. The idea is that people around us respond to our expectations of them in remarkable ways. It is all on how perceive them and concomitantly treat them.

I know I will be cheated, betrayed, lied to, and assaulted with negativity but I will continue to expect better rather resign myself to the inevitability of those behaviors.

As Fall hit Vegas, the days blended into one another. Routine set in. I’m a creature of routine. It provides me with a sense of control and security. Certain benchmarks in time become either more or less important depending on the day and frame of mind. I worked on both Thanksgiving and Christmas Day for the first times in my life. In the day-to-day grind of living check-to-check, the realization that these Holy Days are a luxury strikes hard when confronting the cultural universality of them. Not spending time with my family was jarring but Dana and I made our own holiness.

Not to be too dramatic but it reminded me of the image of Charlie Chaplin in some movie as The Tramp treating a single bean as a full meal. He gets out a knife and fork, a napkin over his shirt, and proceeds to take his time eating that single bean, gingerly slicing it like a steak.

LESSON #16: In the Absence of Luxury, How We Treat What We Have Can Either Elevate Its Value or Dismiss It Altogether.

When working hard for the money to pay your rent, you choose to either practice gratitude for the simple pleasure of going to a park, taking a hot shower, taking a nap on a couch, or you ignore that simplicity with the gnawing anxiety of want for more. I believe that treating the smallest of gifts we receive as bounty reflects upon how we view those moments of need in longer term ways.

LESSON #17: The iPad Pro is Perfectly Capable of Replacing a Desktop Computer or a Laptop.

Not so much a lesson as an observation subject to disbelief, at one point in our Vegas autumn, my 2011 iMac took a massive shit and died. All I had was my iPad Pro and I had to make due. Turns out, this enlarged iPhone is actually a fairly powerful computer and manages to handle my substantial computing needs with ease. A few workarounds, an app or two navigate limitations, and I may never get another desktop.

LESSON #18: "You’ll stop caring what people think about you when you realize how seldom they do." — David Foster Wallace

Here.

If I were still getting tattoos on my birthdays, this would be the one I’d ink this year.

LESSON #19: You Don’t Need to Announce to the World That You’re Reclaiming the Best of You Have Been After Being Wounded. You Just Need to Sack Up and Get it Done.

LESSON #20: Everyone You Know or Have Known is Going to Die and You Have No Idea When and Have No Control Over It. Proceed Accordingly.

Had a few people whom I cared about croak this year. As I age, I’m a thousand percent certain I’ll have some more. Soon enough I’ll be on the In Memoriam list and you, Gentle Reader, will acknowledge my passing with a post on my Facebook wall that will live on past my demise like a fucking morbid remember that the digital self never decays.

That’s it. I’m sure there were more lessons than twenty but those are the stand outs. Seriously, I recommend that you (one of the ten or fifteen who will actually read this) try the exercise. Look at your year on your birthday and ask yourself what you learned. It’s all fucking naval-gazing and staring into a pond at your own reflection but the benefits, while difficult to describe, are nonetheless remarkable.

Every day is a gift. Every bean is a meal. Every breath is a choice.

[ecotone99]

[RO] [NSFW] Pray for Two

I was upset over a girl this Christmas and sought to drain some bitter emotion in a manner that didn't involve excessive drinking and masturbation. I appreciate comments, tips, and reviews

Pray for Two

It’s custom that on Christmas, before my parents and I sit around our ornamented table to eat, we attend mass at the local Roman Catholic Parish. We spent the daybreak in a shouting match about my refusal to emerge from my *dziura and leave with them to church.

Polish word for “hole”. The narrator's father uses it to describe his son's room.

By the time I finished masturbating, it was twelve; afternoon mass had just commenced. I contemplated blowing it off completely, but figured it was the least I could do for my father as he never ceases to remind me that nothing would bring him more joy than my company at Sunday night mass.

I dressed in a plaid red flannel, light gray slacks, a light gray peacoat, and a pair of brown suede dress shoes. If I wasn’t so pressed on time, I’d have swapped the flannel for something more elegant, for with the addition of my beard, I looked like a lumberjack in the early stages of converting to a gentleman. However, once I shaded my eyes with a pair of dark amber Wayfarers and gazed at my reflection in a tinted car window, I felt like a thin white Rick Ross (the rapper). And so I started toward the end of my block taking long lofty steps. At the end, down by where the community piled their garbage twice a week, a small pup was dragging his nose on the ground. The pup was preceded by a small, fair-skinned girl with dainty features. Two flat antlers protruded from her cherry-red hair. The dog whipped her around and I observed a small red sphere extending from her nose. As I approached, I recognized her to be the young Jewess who moved into my neighborhood about four years ago. Upon her arrival, she was only fifteen, and although her blossoming beauty radiated to a dangerous degree, I always managed to keep myself in check while in her presence. We hit it off pretty fast—she was quick-witted and bookish. It was easy with her, you’d introduce a topic, a recent event for example, even just a headline that you read, and she already had a thought-out opinion of the matter. And even if you played devil’s advocate, as I often did, she’d cement through with bold conviction. Back then, I rejected her chutzpah. At the time, the only thing I was confident about was being unsure of everything. That was until she convinced me that confidence, even in the face of uncertainty, is the only way forward. Once I was convinced, I became both jealous of and feverishly attracted to her.

She turned eighteen at the start of one summer and literally parted her legs before me the minute the clock struck eleven forty-three pm, the time recorded on her birth certificate. We had gone out for dinner at The Olive Garden that evening—our parents knew that she and I would talk for long stretches of time outside and didn’t think much of it. My parents liked her; they remarked that she was always cordial whenever running into her outside in the neighborhood. My mother would blush whenever she came up during dinner-table conversation, “I heard the neighbor girl got accepted into Princeton,” she said one evening. “Yeah, she did. . . but I think she’s choosing The Rhode Island School of Design,” I replied. My father looked up after forking up some pickled cabbage, “Perhaps she’ll convince you to go back to school,” he snickered under his breath with grim sarcasm. At the time I was in the midst of a brief hiatus, taking a year or so to master the art of Chinese food delivery.

I once asked her how her parents felt about me as a serious prospect, and she replied, “Have you ever baked a dreidel?” I said nothing in response, understanding the message, but she proceeded to pinch my cheek saying, “Aw, fuck ‘em, you’re my favorite little gentile.” With me at six-two and her at five-four, I towered over her.

At The Olive Garden the night of her eighteen birthday, she took a breadstick and began to wiggle it horizontally as if trying to perform the rubber pencil illusion. She then turned her head and pressed the tip of the breadstick against her rouge lips. She kissed it lightly and turned to me, smiling coyly. Then, without waiting for my initial reaction, she shoved the stick into her mouth and ferociously chomped down on it before chucking it back into the basket while crumbs were still raining down onto the table. Afterward, she fell into a wild hysteria, laughing like a hyena, gripping her stomach with one hand and pointing at my frozen wide-eyed gaze with the other.

That night, I paid seventy dollars in exchange for three unbothered hours with her in a bedroom at a Days Inn down the street from the restaurant. She was ravenous from the get-go, and we nearly skinned each-other when removing clothes, but once bare, I slowed the tempo—her growing more feverish with every graze. It was tight when I inserted. I manipulated my stroking sequence taking feedback from her every micro expression. We commenced the Bang-Mitzvah with missionary and for at least five minutes she vocalized nothing but high-pitched mouse-like squeaks. Then she looked into my eyes, wrapped her hands around my neck, brought me down to a hair's width away from her face and said, “I’m glad it’s you. . . .”

As I approached her this Christmas morning, she smiled, the sun glinting off her face as if it were the surface of a lake.

“Hey, how you been? How’s school?” I said while bending down to pay my respects to her furry little brown blotched shih tzu.

“Oh, it’s fun. . . have my own space now. . . the freedom,” she replied, sneaking a wink in at that last part. This caught me off guard. Ever since I took her innocence, we hadn’t really been corresponding much. She left for school that summer, and Rhode Island was a ways away from Staten Island. And a week after that fateful night, I was let off from my food delivery position. The owner informed me that the restaurant's old driver was moving back into the area and that she had promised him a position if ever was the case. But after about a week, a ‘Driver Wanted’ sign hung in the window, and I began to doubt her story. I think she actually caught on to me. At the end of every shift, I was supposed to report my tip earnings and fork over a percentage . . . I always skimmed some off the top though, reporting less than I actually received. She must’ve been aware of realistic averages from past, honest drivers. After that bombshell, my funds quickly exasperated and as at least one of our parents was always home, I simply couldn’t afford to have sex with her.

“Must be nice,” I replied, petting the gleeful pup. “I found decent work, but I don’t want to pay rent and share a kitchen with some rando.”

“What’s the job?” she asked while I rose from the ground, “And I get you.”

“I’m a. . . like a teachers assistant. . . I work at a school.”

“Aw, I’m so happy for you.”

I didn’t reply to that. Her pitiful tone indicated that she knew, or at least assumed, that I was going through a rough patch. Instead, I switched the topic.

“So. . . what’s up with the Rudolph theme? And that’s a wig right?”

“Ah, yes. . . . See, I’m a rebel Jew—you should come in and see my house, I’ve dressed this collapsible Christmas tree that I keep tucked away in the attic, and ABC Family’s ‘25 Days of Christmas’ is blaring in the living room.”

“Your parents are cool with it?”

“Oh, hell to the naw—but every Christmas my dad spends all day at his office and my mom’s in the city consulting with a doctor.”

I put on a thoughtful expression and became quiet.

“Yup, this is just the way I am,” she continued, “but come over! Let me show you all the cute little ornaments I put up for the day.”

“I’m actually running late for mass,” I replied.

“Well, if you’re already going to be late, it doesn’t matter how late.”

“Bulletproof logic. . . . I guess I can step inside for a second. I’m interested in seeing how rogue you’ve actually gone.”

After the dog hosed down the fire hydrant, I followed her inside. All the while I thought of our first and only fuck, and how, if I had the money and she wasn’t in Rhode Island, I’d get my own place just be alone and comfortable with her.

Inside was an assortment of Christmas things, mostly little knick-knacks sort of strewn about. There was a nativity scene on the sill under the kitchen window and I wondered if the depiction of Jesus’ birth was the same by Jewish doctrine. Ironically, the Christmas tree was topped with a Star of David. I couldn’t discern if this was done out of mockery or a whole-hearted display of cultural amalgamation.

“So. . . what do you think?” she said as I was gazing at the star atop the tree.

“This mesh of cultures is causing my eyes to well up. . . it’s. . .” I drew in air through my nose and skimmed my finger across a lower eyelid, “it’s. . . beautiful.”

“Oh, you’re full of shit. . . but thank you, that’s very kind of you to say.”

Albeit her saying that I was “full of shit,” a soft rouge blossomed in the centers of her pale cheeks; I stepped towards her and softly clasped my hands around them. Her lips parted slightly, revealing the blinding whiteness of her front teeth. Frosty blue rings around her tiny pupils gleamed against the cold, winter sun streaming in through the windows. I inched my head forward as if it were precious cargo being moved by a crane. As our lips met, I dropped to the couch beside the tree. My body buzzed warmly as if I had just taken a swig of old scotch. I kept my eyes closed, straining in an effort to send her telepathic messages. I yearned for pressure, I’d have settled for a slab of stone over me. And then she went, toppling onto me as if caught by a fainting spell.

Much like the first time, we stripped each other frantically, but when going through the motions, I realized she had gained much experience. While on top, she rode me in various styles as if it were second nature. Before, I was the sole director, now it was a mutual effort—push and pull. This left me conflicted; from one side I was a bit saddened at the thought of some gung ho college boy, or plural, taking temporary reign over her body; and from the other—her promiscuousness, dressing up in racy little clothing just to attend some haphazard frat party, being the object of unshakable desire, willing and ready for the taking, made her all the more alluring! It was enough to drive me mad with desire. I was aroused as I had ever been. Her flesh was as pure as it was the summer before she left for school, and now it was supplemented by experience. I was so lost in my burning desire and her plush interior that I couldn’t fathom a reality that was devoid of it. Clinging onto what seemed like fantasy, I asked her:

“Are you on birth control?” My breath was heavy, my thirst for air insatiable.

“Yes. . . kind of,” her voice faltered; her breathing matched mine. “Kind of?”

“Just cum in me!” she howled, gripping the back of my neck, bringing my lips to hers as I came down. No further questions, her resolve was what would finally drive me to orgasm. I have only once ever came inside someone before, and severe paranoia had followed me like a rain cloud for weeks afterwards despite the girl’s assurance that her ex always finished inside without consequence.

My muscles numbed as bliss spread from the tip of my penis through the rest of my body. My back hunched as I slowly pulled out. My thighs gave out and I collapsed on the carpeted floor, sprawling in ecstasy.

I spent a long moment simply lying there, catching my breath and recovering my senses.

“What did you mean by ‘Kind of’?” I asked, now having recovered the rationale one often loses during sex.

“I meant. . . it doesn’t matter if I’m on birth control or not.” “Doesn’t matter?”

“No. . . it doesn’t. . . it doesn’t because I’ve been diagnosed with cancer.”

“What?. . . When?”

She didn’t reply.

I raised myself till my neck was level with the couch. Her head was turned to the side, tilted up at the Star of David.

“Were you aware before the first time I was with you?” I questioned.

Again, no answer.

“Say something!”

“Look,” she said turning her head towards me, her eyelids like buckets of water preparing to overflow, “I did know and—”

“In the event of,” I rudely interrupted, “would you keep it?” “Birth wouldn’t outlast the cancer.”

“So. . . no?”

“I’d prefer to leave this life with a piece of you within me!”

“That’s murder!”

“And abortion is not?”

I fell silent and wished desperately for the ability to rewind the day, deeply regretting not remaining in bed.

“And this fantasy of yours is supposed to justify murder?” I continued after a tense silence.

“Who are you to speak for what goes on in my body? The fate of whoever is developing within me is no ones but my own.”

I fell silent and fell against the carpet. I looked up at the star atop the tree then shifted my gaze to the digital time on the cable box below the TV. Mass would end in ten minutes; if I sprinted, I’d be able to make it in time for a single prayer. . . and I’d pray for two.

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