#like literally though none of my recent stuff shows up in the tags its so weird like???

[ollyollyaxe]

so tumblr is eating my posts and they're not showing up in the tags, what the fuck?

[magicwhiskers29]

Happy Flora Friday! Here's some drawings for what's been occupying my brain recently! (It's Flora if she was on the Boiling Isles... Extra thoughts under the cut)

Okay! To be clear, this isn't a toh au in the sense that I've dropped Flora in the story of toh, more so just in the world. So why the tracks I picked?

Plant was sort of the obvious one, because of how it lines up well with the whole Golden Apple thing... Additionally, it could be a family thing, with Flora's mother having liked. (Lady Violet/Viola being her name, so...) It also makes her relationship with it later more interesting - she doesn't like having to be the Golden Apple, so having the type of magic that would come most naturally to her be something so intrinsically related to that would push her to study more and want to learn other tracks of magic.

Illusions? It's a good one for her to get into and study herself, and it lines up well with her first appearances in CV. She's running around disguised, following them from the shadows, something which she continues to do, as well, and it's a good magical substitute for that. It just seemed fitting. Vibes, and all that.

Flora would have an interesting relationship with abomination magic too, considering how easy it would be for abominations to act as a substitute for robots. I don't know if I've considered this AU enough to say that St. Mystere is definitely filled with abominations rather than robots (covering that up would be a lot more difficult, though illusion magic is a thing), but it's an interesting comparison that Flora could absolutely make herself. I also think she could be interested in other applications of abomination magic outside of uh, literally just abominations (Think Blight Industries tech kind of stuff) later on. I like the idea of Flora taking an interest in mechanics post-canon, so that fits.

Other points of interest: I think something fun could be Flora's bad cooking skills being replaced with her being bad at potion magic, potentially. I just think her trying to learn that rather than literal cooking and still having it turn out disastrously is a fun idea! More chaotic, too, and kind of funny considering potion track is the one most people without a specific focus on other types of magic are in. (I.E. Eda and Lilith being in it pre-Emperor's Coven tryouts and Hunter pretending to be part of it ASIAS.)

I've had palismen ideas, but none solid enough for an actual design... Oh, and her magic's a reddish colour because I'm a fan of when it matches the character's eye colour, haha. Obviously, this isn't entirely consistent with the show (Amity and Gus's magic matches their track colour, for instance, and other characters sometimes just match their track and eyes like Eda and Willow), but I don't personally feel like green particularly fits Flora, and this is a personal preference thing...

I'll probably come back to this au at some point (hence giving it its own tag) because toh never leaves my brain haha. I'll definitely take asks on the matter too ;)

[ipreferfiction]

20 questions for fic writers

@spyscrapper tagged me (shocking for everyone, i'm sure). thanks beloved

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

26!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

337,006 (a chunk of which is cowritten)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

posted, i have star wars (totj, kotor, swtor, prequels, and tcw), lockwood & co., and asoiaf. i've also written hotd-era asoiaf fics, a couple of unfinished mdzs fics, and something for grimm floating around.

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

The Bond Between: fic i wrote for a tcw zine, Ahsoka & Obi-Wan. 137 kudos.

(note: technically the second fic is one that got hit by the kudos bot, so i am taking it out of the ranking because i cannot trust its numbers)

How Far We've Come: Lockwood & Co., written and set right after TCS. Kipps and the crew. 62 kudos.

Wasteland: prequels/tcw/original trilogy, Obi-Wan on Tatooine having a truly questionable time. 60 kudos.

Dragon's Rise: asoiaf, post-series. Dany, Jon, Tyrion, and Arya go to Old Valyria so Dany can break the Doom and rebuild the Valyrian Freehold. i hate several things i did with characters here, truly, and i am never going to finish it; i'm keeping it up so i can see comments and kudos, because it got a lot of engagement (posted right after the show ended), but i would change so many things now. 54 kudos.

tremble for yourself, my man (you know that you have seen this all before): kotor - Cassus Fett dies on Malachor and wakes up six years in the past, with the knowledge that something is manipulating the war. he kidnaps Revan and Alek right off Dantooine at one point to help him. extremely full of torture! also the cousin of found family, sibling acquisition via kidnapping. 50 kudos.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i try to, but i haven't been great at it for a while. so occasionally it takes me a few months, lol

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

posted? probably my mando wars novelization. none of the really angsty stuff is finished, and i also tend to shy away from bitter endings because they make me depressed. and i do mean depressed, i have depression and i tend to get a little too into my characters' heads, which is not great when they're having bad times.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

uh. um. the... ahsoka and obi-wan one maybe??

8. Do you get hate on fic?

the only ones that actually hurt me were on a years-old asoiaf fic. i've gotten two or three in recent years when i've been writing star wars stuff, but they're so out of pocket they're absolutely hilarious to me. i make fun of them with my friends. shoutout to the person who told me not to use bitch because it was a slur against women when the context was literally a man calling his long hair a bitch to deal with. i am NEVER getting over that, it's so funny.

9. Do you write smut?

periodically, yeah. it's fun, i just am also horribly embarrassed trying to write it lol. i have very little posted, but i've got a handful of half-finished ones in docs.

10. Do you write crossovers?

nnnnnnot really? i toss them around for some of my OCs and original works (between each other), but i don't really write them or post them. now, fusions? yeah, i write those. the hp au is the only one i've posted, and also is my favorite. read the main fic before you read the oneshot, though, because besides being utterly awful (affectionate) it also makes no sense without context. not that the series has given basically any of that context yet, but, yk. it's coming. eventually.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not as far as i know. there's less theft in really niche communities like the stuff i tend to write.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

yes!! @spyscrapper (i keep typing revanchxst as your url beloved when will you change it back) is my coauthor for the hp au and for our big swtor novelization, plus a couple of totj fics.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

frankly, a couple of my ocs who live rent-free in my head at all times, from one of my original works. 1920s monster hunters, secret government organization, repressed queer people (person. the others are not at all repressed he's just a dumbass about emotions), constant threats of violence, morally grey pov characters, murder. i am literally insane about them. also a different set of ocs from fic that developed their own original work as well: magic university, depressed gay people, Plots, the usual. i am constantly chewing on them. in fandom, knight/scourge and cassus/ultimate, probably.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but probably won't?

most of my asoiaf stuff, tbh

16. What are your writing strengths?

prose. give me a good several paragraphs and i will give you gorgeous prose. flowing, poetic, great imagery, the works. i am not afraid to say that's what i'm good at

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

FUCKING dialogue. i hate dialogue so much. no more talking society has progressed past the need for talking. i can do a sentence or two, but full conversations? evil.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fics?

I'll throw in a word or two without translating, because single words are easy to remember and write a glossary for at the end of the chapter. full sentences, though? They're either in italics (if the fic is generally speaking one language and this is another), or unmarked except by dialogue tags (much rarer, generally only do it if the pov character would mostly be speaking another language and so marking it as unusual doesn't make sense. e.g., Cassus talking to other Mandalorians isn't gonna be italicized because it being in Mando'a is expected.)

19. First fandom that you wrote for?

sherlock, i think? i wrote an OC fic that has now evolved into its own original universe because i ended up hating sherlock after season 4, and also the fandom was so fucking annoying. i was writing doctor who and supernatural OC fics around the same time, but i'm pretty sure sherlock was first.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

tremble for yourself, my man (linked above) or start a war, for posted fics. for unposted stuff, a cassus wip i will eventually. eventually finish

tags: @zaolat, @hermitmoss, yeah that's all i've got lee got all the other people i know lol

[onawhimsicot]

I posted 2,461 times in 2022

168 posts created (7%)

2,293 posts reblogged (93%)

I tagged 882 of my posts in 2022

#pokemon - 53 posts

#critical role - 41 posts

#bry - 36 posts

#hermitcraft - 35 posts

#hades game - 20 posts

#in other lands - 20 posts

#splatoon - 20 posts

#reading log - 18 posts

#hades 2 - 18 posts

#splatoon 3 - 18 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#all these internship deadlines are coinciding with finals week and its like. i obviously should prioritize the former. everyone would agree

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

so i haven't really been plugged in to Critical Role news in a while but wasn't TLOVM going to be about pre-campaign stuff? I totally understand if things have changed with it being an Amazon show now + wanting to start with Whitestone to have a banger of an opening, but I thought that maybe we'd circle back around to the whole Uriel being possessed arc. But Uriel just stepped down and we're launching right into the Chroma Conclave arc so I'm guessing they're not doing any pre-campaign stuff and are just doing an adaptation?

14 notes - Posted February 20, 2022

#4

OHHHHH PIKE GIVING VEX A BOOST!! CLERICS!!!! I LOVE CLERICS!!!! ITS THE GIRLS!!!!!!

I MISSED PERCY'S STUPID PRETENTIOUS VOICE SO MUCH VOX MACHINA MY BELOVED

19 notes - Posted January 12, 2022

#3

[ID: A screenshot of a page from In Other Lands that reads, "Myra joined him, pulled up a chair to his table and took one of the books from his unread stack. / 'Luke and Serene told me what you were doing here,' she said. 'And I--I like Commander Woodsinger. She's kind to my cousin, who's all dwarf, and I don't want the camp to have any other commander, and I want to help."]

Even though I reread this book like every 6 months, I only just now caught on to this during my current reread given the recent news. So, for anyone else who was curious/forgot about this like me, Myra mentions her cousin shortly before Colonel Whiteleaf's attempted coup.

Very fascinating to see that the "exiled dwarven prince" mentioned in the announcement post presumably came and studied at the camp too! I can't wait to learn more about him, Myra my beloved, and the dwarves :O

77 notes - Posted December 21, 2022

#2

it is incredibly funny that Yizhi rolled up and went all in on saving the girl he's in love with but took a quick detour to google the infamous known murderer Li Shimin and immediately developed a celebrity crush on him like "oh, hes smart too? ....thats kinda hot actually"

hes literally like "okay so Li Shimin probably did bad things idk but like have you SEEN his test scores?? people said he used to STUDY" this trio has a buckwild dynamic ajdakhfs

265 notes - Posted January 5, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

i know not many people would want to read a 10,000 word article about the minecraft end poem and how the author, Julian Gough, was never fairly compensated for his work and has made it public domain.

But it's a very well-written and heartfelt read, and he makes it very clear that none of this is a cash-grab and despite the fact that he is essentially a starving artist in this capitalist society, he only mentions his financial struggles despite Minecraft's huge huge success at the bottom of this article and not in the tweets so as to not dilute his message.

Anyway, I just think it'd be cool if those who are able to could support him in some way whether it be subscribing to his substack or donating to his paypal (that's linked in the article, you can ctrl + F to find it easier), that's all.

11,950 notes - Posted December 7, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[cloudydays69]

Ty for the tag!!! :∆

Tag game with no name game!!!

1. why did you choose your url? I literally have no idea LMAO- It was something I randomly came up with a while back and just rolled with it tbh

2. any sideblogs? if you have them name them and why you have them. Nope, none at the moment! Though, I do plan on making some random ones, haven't thought that far yet :p

3. how long have you been on tumblr? I think i joined it about 10 months ago!

4. do you have a queue tag? Nope

5. why did you start your blog in the first place? UHHH ok sooo, I wanted to finally experience it for myself because I wasn't able to when I was younger? (thank FUCK I didn't LMAO) I mainly joined for fandom reasons tho :3

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp? I choose my pfps based on the next BIG thing I'm currently into!! I chose this Connor icon bc.... Pretty...

7. why did you choose your header? Same thing as before, usually to go along with the theme/vibe of the pfp

8. what’s your post with the most notes? That FUCKASS smug jug post with 198 notes. The other one is a re-animator anniversary thingy!!

9. how many mutuals do you have? IDEK HOW MANY I HAVE- THERE'S A LOT! (/pos) I love y'all tho, even if I don't rlly know how to express it sometimes /p

10. how many followers do you have? 70!

11. how many people do you follow? 187 :3

12. have you ever made a shitpost? Absolutely LMAO

13. how often do you use tumblr each day? It changes a lot- Like, one day I won't go on here at all, and another I'll be there almost all day

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Nope, luckily ^^"

15. how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts? I really don't have an opinion on them, I don't mind posts like that. If I reblog it, I do, and if I don't, I dont

16. do you like tag games? YESSSS PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!! it's a really fun way to interact with people and I love it :D

17. do you like ask games? SAME AS 16!!!

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? ....@twyz , @bugsb1te and @my-autism-adhd-blog (big blogs with cool art and other stuff intimidate me :<)

19. do you have a crush on a mutual? uhm (it's complicated. I don't know what this feeling is :[ )

20. what is the last song you listened to? Blasphemous Rumors by Depeche Mode :]

21. what are you currently watching? Shows or movies? None atm, on anything else? Just a bunch of tiktok stuff, basically whatever comes on my FYP LMAO

22. sweet/ savoury/ spicy? SAVORY AND SPICY!!! (not a fan of sweet stuff.)

23. what is your current relationship status? Single and fucking confused man

24. what is your current obsession? OKOKOK SO RN, ITS THE ROBLOX GAME "PRESSURE" AND ELECTRIC DREAMS

25. what are nine albums/songs you've been listening to lately? ALRIGHT BET (I'm going off of my recently played songs... Yea it's all Dm)

Blasphemous Rumors - Depeche Mode

Condemnation - Depeche mode

The Things You Said - Depeche Mode

World In My Eyes - Depeche Mode

Walking In My Shoes - Depeche Mode

Rush - Depeche Mode

It Doesn't Matter - Depeche Mode

If You Want - Depeche Mode

Master and Servant - Depeche Mode

26. Tagging!! @gayfraggle @dandelions-arent-weeds @cervus-canadensi @twyz @just-a-living-meat-thing and anyone else, no pressure :3

nine albums or songs I've been listening to lately x nine people I’d like to get to know better x tag game with no name

(thank you for the tag @lianhuajing !!)

1. why did you choose your url? uh. it was a play on "rose tinted glasses"

2. any sideblogs? if you have them name them and why you have them. nope!

3. how long have you been on tumblr? I think 2022? i knew about it before, just never bothered to make a blog

4. do you have a queue tag? don't kill me, what's a queue tag?

5. why did you start your blog in the first place? I had some Thoughts about Blue Lock and wanted to post meta for it

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp? uhh Flora.

7. why did you choose your header? Reo is one of my Blorbos and I just really liked that panel of him

8. what’s your post with the most notes? probably the "do you download fics" poll

9. how many mutuals do you have? about 20? i don't remember

10. how many followers do you have? 120?

11. how many people do you follow? 91

12. have you ever made a shitpost? yes. i think.

13. how often do you use tumblr each day? an hour?

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? nope

15. how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this’ posts meh. some of them are funny i guess

16. do you like tag games? yep! it's nice interaction

17. do you like ask games? i do! but uh. it's a silent empty void here. an echo chamber, if you will.

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? i have no idea but i see @kingsandbastardz a lot in the mlc community

19. do you have a crush on a mutual? nope

20. what is the last song you listened to? 若梦 by 周深

21. what are you currently watching? i just finished The Double! probably starting on Dashing Youth next

22. sweet/ savoury/ spicy? savoury!

23. what is your current relationship status? single

24. what is your current obsession? The Double,,,,

25. what are nine albums/ songs you've been listening to lately?

若梦 by 周深

如故 by 张碧晨

如初 by 张碧晨

借过一下 by 周深

万物不如你 by 张杰

Our dawn is hotter than day by Seventeen

Hitorijana by Seventeen

my music taste is kinda...i tend to stick to a few artists...

26. tagging (no obligation to do this!) @randomingoftherandomness @good-vs-evo @chrysofightme @bbcphile

[gordvendomewhore]

For the ask game <3

A - Ships that you currently like a lot. (They don’t have to be OTPs because not everyone has OTPs.) Friendships, pairings, threesomes, etc. are allowed.

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will.

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., TV shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)?

J - Name a fandom you didn’t think about until you saw it all over Tumblr. (You don’t have to care about it or follow it; it just has to be something that Tumblr made you aware of.)

heyyy thank you for the ask teehee 🤭🤭 ik i literally reblogged this from your account LMAO so thank you, this was very considerate

i'm going to be answering most of these in regards to bully :)

these responses are gonna be a bit long so strap your boots on cowboys

A - ships i currently like

i am alwayssss thinking about bif/derby (berby 🥺) because they are my BOYS!! however, lately i was talking to my s/o about a post i made about unlikely prep ships (that apparently doesn't fucking exist because i couldn't find it again and had a mental breakdown over it), it reminded me of my love for bryce/vance!!!

when the bully discord was still a thing, me and my friends talked about unlikely ships and how u can basically ship... any two characters together. i don't remember how exactly we landed on bryce/vance, but it made sense to me and really settled into my heart lol. idk how to justify it other than wow! it just works. but if someone wants to know more, pls do feel free to send me an ask

other than that, i've really been into bryce/chad recently... they wrestle at night :)))

C - a ship i will never like

bro don't burn me at the stake for this, but there is one ship i just do not get behind, and anyone who knows me will know it but...

smopkins.

when i first played bully, which was two years ago, it was me revisiting it YEARS after i first discovered it as a young kid, and so i actually knew what shipping was lol. the first ship that came to mind for me was petey/gary, and while that is def popular in its own regard, it really surprised me to see how crazy people were for smopkins.

there's nothing wrong with the ship, i think a lot of art for it is cute (i have a good amount saved), and the fics certainly pack some emotion, but it just didn't click with me, and it never will lmao. and i think some people are too crazy about it, but that goes for ships in every fandom.

other than that, i don't really care for gord/vance. i did at some point, but i'm a jimmy/gord guy myself lol. it's still soooo so cute though.

H - favorite fandom source

well, obviously i like bully a whole lot LMAOO. there's a lot of freedom with the amount of side characters rockstar filled the game with, and they all have a surprising amount of personality put into them. there are endless situations to put all of them in with the small amount we've been given, and often this fandom just doesn't take advantage of it lol

other than bully though, i'm casually into borderlands and i used to have a haikyuu phase, so i check up on those two fandoms occasionally. i also LOVEEEEE the karate kid trilogy and watch the show that's out now (i have my gripes with it but whatever smh). i also like checking up on the rpg ib and one punch man every now and then. oooh and i can't forget detroit: become human.

J - fandom introduced to me through tumblr

uhhh none come to mind if i'm being honest haha. i don't really look at my feed unless i'm bored, so i'm only on tumblr to browse through tags for fandoms i know and post my own content.

i guess i didn't know the homestuck fandom was still active? LMAOOOO

thank you so much for these asks!!! i will make my way through the rest in my inbox <3

[skzfairies]

— YURI MOMENTS THAT DONT FEEL REAL.

tag list: @shinyddeonghwa @ateezjuliet

— SHOWING HER BUTT TO EXPLAIN WHY ITS ONE BUTT, TWO BUTT CHEEKS.

okay so that live was very chaotic.. and even tho the members prevented anyone from showing their butt on making gestures w their hands, yuri was too quick for anyone to pull her down 😭

shes a runner shes a track star 🎶

ANYWAYS she was sitting in the back, so she quickly like backed away from the table, and the members were too busy arguing to even notice her rip

but she stood up quickly and turned around and went “one CHEEK, TWO CHEEK, ONE BUTT.” she deadass pointed to each of her buttcheeks and then circled around her whole butt 😭

the boys were like 😳😳YURI SIT DOWN

she just rolled her eyes and sat back down, some can hear her say “i’m too hot for this” or “idiots”, but it’s too quiet to rlly hear her 😭😭

— SHE’S REALLY INTERESTED IN GIRLS, APPARENTLY

hongjoong and yuri were doing a vlive and hongjoong was reading comments while yuri was drawing on her hand, we don’t know what she was drawing but do we want to know is the question 😀

hongjoong and yuri were doing a vlive and hongjoong was reading comments while yuri was drawing on her hand, we don’t know what she was drawing but do we want to know is the question 😀

hongjoong read the question, “is there anything you ‘re really interested in lately?” hongjoong gave his answer and looked over to yuri and she was.... still not listening

so hongjoong was like .... YURI and he repeated the question and she was just like “girls”, it was a while until yuri realized what she just said ... and hongjoong was trying his hardest not to laugh 😭😭 she slowly looked up and looked at the camera then hongjoong like 😳😳 and then 🤭

“i meant it interested in girl groups, i really like red velvet recently...yeah...didn’t complete my sentence. i don’t speak korean very well... sorry.”

yuri is still pulling the “i don’t speak korean” card even though SHE HAS BEEN LIVING IN KOREA FOR 5 YEARS NOW 😭😭😭 bestie we know the truth

— “PLEASE SHOW YOUR FEET.”

she read that comment aloud in english... and she looked up in the camera in a disgusted face but was like 😕 quickly after cuz she’s an idol yk 😭

she looked at the camera for awhile, and then she looked at the ceiling for awhile, literally complementing her life rn, she sat there for like, three whole minutes

she was like .... did i really move almost 6,000 miles away from my home just to be asked to show her feet to the camera ???

she quickly moved on from the subject and never addressed it again 😭

— “I MET THE LOVE OF MY LIFE THE OTHER DAY.”

ateez was doing a vlive together and everyone was sharing their tmi, and it was finally yuri’s turn so she was like 😏😏

“i met the love of my life the other day” she said, looking at the camera and back to reading the comments, ignoring the looks of suprise the boys were giving her, she was hiding her laugh behind her sweater paw hand until hongjoong was like “you need to explain more than that!”

she had to laugh for awhile until she was like “i met blaise’s cats the other day, and both of them are literally my soulmates. i don’t think i’ll ever meet someone who will ever make me as happy as them. besides atiny of course.” yuri chuckled, smirking when all of the boys rolled her eyes

“cant believe we were replaced by cats...” mingi grumbled.

— YURI COMPLIMENTING HERSELF WHEN NO ONE WOULD

ANOTHER group vlive

yuri is so chill in her solo lives but when she’s with her members... she says a lot of stuff that never will be real to me 😭

all of them were just reading comments and yuri said “i look so hot today and it’s literally a crime that none of you are complimenting me. atiny, ateez, your status from being my favorite person is being revoked.”

THE BOYS LITERALLY IGNORED HER until jongho was like “it’s a crime that we have to see your ugly face everyday”

AND MINGI JOINED IN ON THE YURI SLANDER 😭😭😭 THE BETRAYAL

“yeah, and you’re so annoying too. how do you think we feel?”

“shut up, without me, you wouldn’t know how to crack an egg without getting the shells every where.” yuri huffed, causing mingi to scream in denial, while san just whistled ... because it was true

yuri took matters in her own hands and walked up to the camera and showed off her beautiful outfit and then she posed for atiny to take screenshots for awhile, before sitting back down and acting like nothing happened

she even pretended to not hear wooyoung say “atiny please save us, shes like this everyday. i don’t know how much of her ego i can handle.” but she for sure tackled him when they got home

— FACE PLANTING IN THE MIDDLE OF VLIVE

so yuri was walking into a vlive that seonghwa and hongjoong were doing (she always interrupts them, only to be called the problem child 😳)

so she was skipping into the view waving and smiling when she missed her step and she went BOOM right onto the floor on her face 😀

you could hear a loud smack to the ground and seonghwa panically turned around to make sure she was okay, only to find her laughing hysterically

she ended up getting a bloody nose and she didn’t even realize until she stood up and looked in the camera

“um...i’ll be right back guys.” she left and you can hear her yell in the hall “THAT WAS SO EMBARSSING OH MY GOD I CANT ANYMORE.” i’m english and both hongjoong and seonghwa had to hold in their laughter 😭😭

she came back and was like “atiny, i’m okay! i think i about scared seonghwa and hongjoong out of their skin though.” she laughed and stayed with them a little longer, until she finally ditched them once mingi was done doing something

she was like “peace out losers💪”

[starryeyedrogue]

mental health & vent

again, a long one. please stick with me here.

tw: depression, anxiety, ptsd, epilepsy diagnosis, suicidal thoughts mention

hey everyone, like I said in my last post, I won’t be as active on here. this doesn’t mean I’m quitting by any means, I’m here for the long haul! I just need a break for a little bit. 

side note: I am not in any way suicidal or practicing self harm. this is just to vent and act as a PSA for my mutuals/followers.

now onto my main message. 

I’ve seen lots of posts about mental health lately, and I’m so incredibly proud of those who have spoken up. They’ve inspired me to make my own post, actually. normally I’d keep it to myself, but this time has been rough and I want to get it off my chest. I’ll probably delete this later, but still. 

I’ve been depressed. 

long story short, I had a very traumatic experience a couple years ago with an ex boyfriend (not going into it on this post, for details just dm me. not something I’d want to post publicly, this is just an explanation) and I was deeply depressed. I was never diagnosed “officially” because I was afraid to speak up, as this would expose what I was going through. I had really bad anxiety at that time too, and I still do. I also have PTSD flashbacks from it now and again. none of this was diagnosed, and I still don’t want to bring it up to my doctors/family. my irl friends don’t even know, at least not most of it. 

I have monoclonic epilepsy, which means my seizures are fairly small. my arms, legs, feet, hands, and fingers twitch, and I lose control for a few seconds. it doesn’t hurt, and sometimes I don’t even notice or remember it happening, but my family does. epilepsy in general runs in my family, and it can be triggered by a great deal of stress, lack of sleep, and of course flashing lights. in my case, I never “had” epilepsy or seizures until the “experience” I mentioned before, as it caused massive amounts of stress for about 2 years straight. it’s gotten better, as I now have medicine and am out of that situation, and I haven’t had a seizure since September, which is amazing and a huge blessing.

writing has helped with my depression and anxiety a lot, as I can write out what effects me the most. honestly, some of the characters are based off of myself (before vs after) and the person from the “experience.” this is just for therapeutic reasons, as I don’t really want to go to real therapy (I’d be too embarrassed to ask for it or talk to someone anyway, though I probably need to go eventually and plan to when I’m on my own). 

however, when I stopped posting it, I started feeling bad again. I didn’t think I needed to post my stories to feel better or to make a childhood dream into reality, but not posting it made me feel somehow worse. I’ve stopped writing as much, and I’ve lost motivation to do just about anything. I’m working on a couple things to help myself get out of this “funk,” but any tips would be greatly appreciated! 

this may seems stupid, but I’ve been depressed and very anxious about my schooling. I started in cyber security and got about halfway through, but I became depressed and had other issues so I didn’t finish the degree. now I’m starting in psychology, after praying for months and months for help with figuring out what to do for school. I finally got an answer, and that answer was to be a Christian counselor! I want to help as many people as I can, especially since I know how it feels to be anxious, depressed, and have PTSD. 

I’m dealing with a lot of changes right now, as I’m selling my first car, might have to move out of my first house/childhood home, and just a bunch of other stuff. this sounds trivial, but I hate change. it seriously stresses me out. my neurologist told me that if I have any more seizures, I won’t be able to drive for 6 months to a year to be safe (as I could have an “episode” as I call it while driving and hurt myself/others in a potential car accident). trust me, trying not to be stressed while being stressed, anxious, and depressed is not easy. 

on top of all that, my irl friends have all but abandoned me. I never hear from them (all but one, she’s the best!), and when I do they ignore me or pretend to listen when they obviously aren’t. I try to make plans with them, but they ignore me or just say “definitely!” but never try to set up times to hang out. It’s been almost two years since I’ve seen them all together. I was able to hang out with the friend I mentioned earlier to go to another friend’s recital, but that was it, and that was months ago. I totally get being busy, but I miss them and I don’t think they miss me, which really hurts. one friend ditched us on graduation day and we haven’t talked to her outside of “happy birthday,” or “@___ look at this thing I know you like,” which she never responded to. graduation was 4 years ago. I miss them all, even if they aren’t really my friends. I miss familiarity and their chaotic personalities. I’ve known them my entire life. honestly, I haven’t made any other friends irl, even though I’ve tried (I’m very introverted and a lot of people don’t get my humor/personality. I’m very much a mischievous old lady that uses weird wording (li.e. using uncommon words for my generation mixed with modern stuff, basically I sound like a vampire that’s been around since the 50s and mixes the eras together in some unholy mixture) at heart and I have very niche interests that I cling to like they’re my last hope). basically, making friends and meeting new people is hard for me for various reasons.

tumblr is different though, which I’m seriously grateful for! the people I’ve talked to are all so nice and really fun to talk to, and they’re part of why I’m posting this. @elvish-sky gave me the courage to post this and @hey-its-nonny and @padawansofthejediorder have been amazing and super nice to me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. the reason I’m posting this is to let them know what’s going on if I don’t respond to messages for a while, and to let them know what wonderful people they are and how much it means to me that they care about me, even if we’re just tumblr mutuals. I love you guys, thanks for being here! it means more than you know.

my mom and dad both had health scares recently, which made me spiral even more. I honestly don’t know what I would do if one of them died. they’re literally my world and my best friends, as ridiculous as that sounds. my mental health was so low I honestly thought I’d die too. they’re both fine now, which is truly a blessing and a massive relief. when I say I thought I’d die too, I don’t mean I wanted to commit suicide, but I honestly can’t imagine a world without my parents, especially my mom (hers was the main health scare, it was a case of reaction to a new medication for her migraines). we’re insanely close and she’s my best friend, as cheesy as that sounds. I don’t know what I would do without her. it’s making me teary just thinking about it. 

long story short, please be patient with me. I’m dealing with a lot right now, and I need some time to take a deep breath and focus on my mental health. if you have any suggestions/tips for dealing with depression, anxiety, and PTSD flashbacks, please let me know! 

for those I’ve tagged, you don’t have to reply or even read this whole thing if you want, I tagged you because I thought you’d like to know about this and/or I wanted to show my appreciation for your kindness!

I love you all, thanks for sticking around and listening to my rants. <3

[aiviloti]

my 2020 fic writer wrap-up!!

this is going to be incredibly long (a total of 1.1k lmao) so imma put a cut here, but basically thank you for being here all throughout my 2020! i appreciate you all very much <3

fav kind of fic to write:

i love writing about mutual pining slow burn process of getting together but i have NEVER WRITTEN ONE IN MY LIFE so i hope to change that in 2021

in 2020 i discovered??? humour??? so i enjoy writing about that and when people tell me i’ve succeeded in making them laugh it’s all 😳😳😳 for me

hardest fic to write but also most proud of:

to write you a song was a fic i struggled with from all of april to june which is very long?? to me??? considering i usually sit down and write things in one seating. fully fleshed ideas don’t usually take me thaaaaaat long to crunch out, but for some reason i struggled bad with this bc I really didn’t know where i was going w it lol

LA LA LAND gets an honorary mention of it’s own simply because it was 44k, and it took me all of july-september, but it’s something i still am proud of! to show how difficult it was to write/plot here’s the spreadsheet i had to use to keep track of the scenes and the chapters djkgfsjdfkjhgd

Shout out to kiroiimye , sweet , sirius and krypt for keeping my sanity intact

easiest fic to write:

this genshin impact fic: The Land Favoured by the Wind but its because ive been thinking about this idea for more than a month lol so the actual writing and editing took me less than 3 hours

there were several others too, bc ideas then to hook themselves to me then refuse to let go fjshlfgdfsg

fav fic to write:

Most definitely this sakuatsu monstrosity here by the name of Miya Atsumu's unwavering love for Sakusa Kiyoomi and an unholy amount of terrible food analogies that should not have the right to Exist lol, I only came up with the idea of Atsumu asking Osamu how to make friends bc I was friendship pining for someone at the time and then proceeded to write the entirety of it in a feverish daze! It’s as of rn my top hit / kudoed / bookmarked fic on ao3 and man, thanks for liking this as much as i did :’D

writing sequence:

i have to write from start to finish lmao i cant move on if the fic isnt chronological? the only exception was la la land bc it was too long and i had help from the spreadsheet so i alr knew where i was going i just had to write it down dfhdsfksfksdfhjg

deleting works:

the only fics i remember deleting are both first chapters of a multichap, bc i dont like having unfinished pieces on ao3, and far less if im not sure if ill finish them/if i dont know where im going w it!

if it’s dark history of shit 15 year old me wrote imma keep it there! it is an archive after all. go on, judge my fics from 5 years ago ahahahaha

best writing advice:

not a general thing and might just apply tome, but i tend to write in very convoluted ways and squish a lot in my sentences, or add to many unnecessary commas, so i received advice recently about being more mindful of the pacing and it’s helped me a lot!

worst writing advice:

none at the top of my head djgfkdsjfh if it’s bs to me i just forget it entirelyyyy

collab:

@actuallyasweetpotato​ (also aforementioned sweet) and i did a thing for bokuaka week!!!! you can find it here:  under my breath and into your scarf

wips:

9 unfinished zine pieces, 3 commissions, 1 exchange piece, about 10 or so other things

fav story of another writer:

favourite things 

manly man falls for manliest man krbk fic!!!

gently, like a winter wind iwaoi birthday fic

sunchaser krbk fic

JUNO atsuhina fic

best review:

dude i cried

and shoutout to tien , sirius for fan art, fan comics, fan animatics of fics ive written, and shoutout to akemiiiii for this song they wrote i am eternaally grateful

worst review:

no negativity today!

prequel/sequel to other people’s fics:

none at the top of my head hm, but if anything probably any of kiro skk stuff 

do i reread my stuff:

yes, but only if they’re old enough for me to go “it’s okay even if i dont like it bc this is old”

published:

hopefully! even though i do take part in zines and i guess they already have been published in a broad sense

fav/least fav chara to write:

no one at the top of my head! it’s instinctive for me to go ahead and think about character motives whenever i come across them, so if i ever write about someone, i usually just put my spin/interpretation of a character in a way that i can comprehend. the pros of this is i can write about many people, and the downside is that these characterisations can come off as out of character to anyone who doesn’t agree w me hehe

deadlines or goals:

if it’s a oneshot that’s under 3k i usually aim to have it done within 24 hours of beginning the fic. even tho i rarely succeed, having that as a goal usually pushes me to get it done faster than i would have if i had no goal altogether! if it’s anything long i aim for 1k a day, tho rn all my deadlines are zine deadlines and on top of that there’s uni, so to say im not stressing about writing would be a lie LOL

fav writers: (am too shy to tag but i swear these people are literal gods)

chonideno (mag): tumblr | twitter | ao3

batman (teesta): twitter | ao3

maplefudge (raei): tumblr | twitter | ao3

trope never written, would like to try:

aforementioned SLOWBURN MUTUAL PINING ANGST W A HAPPY ENDING GETTING TOGETHER!!!

but also royalty au

trope you will never write:

haha loads

how long have you been a writer:

began writing around may of 2014!! it was a horrible piece but im glad i started somewhere

influences:

chonideno/mag is one! maggie stiefvater who wrote the raven boys is also one, among many others

hardest part of writing: 

writing action? writing things that are happening right now, describing people talking, eating

easiest part of writing:

descriptions of people, places, feelings. internal monologues, the like

best part of writing:

sharing how i perceive the world w other people, and discovering other people agree

wip sneak peek:

cw: hanahaki, falling out of love

this was written in a friend’s dms lmao this is why i sound like this

something unique i bring to all my stories

i had a revelation the other day after talking to all my friends and realised i have really pretentious titles

IF YOU’RE HERE

did you know the wc of this thing is 1k words? idk why you stuck through all of that but thank you. i’ll keep writing in 2021, and all the years after that, and i hope i’ll find you doing things you love too :)

[charrfie]

Alright now that its officially Forzen Friday let's try this post again since it didn't show up in the tags last time-

I'M FINALLY MAKING A FORZEN HC DUMP (kinda AU-ish territory but not really idk exactly) AND NONE OF YOU CAN STOP ME

There are also a few other hcs sprinkled in here related to other characters (like Darnold and Sunkist for example) but Forzen is the main focus!! Despite him being a minor character I latched onto him and fleshed him out sm yall have no idea

Everything under the cut bc this shit is gonna be LONG (and there's also some more doodles that take up a bit of space!)

Also uhh if people like this I might take one for another hlvrai character later bc I have a lot to say about everyone!!

Forzen moved from France to the US with his parents when he was around 12 or 13 (yes, I'm aware that Scorpy and Holly are French Canadian and not France French but that doesn't mean Forzen can't be, I'm just being sure to say this now before someone says something to me about it)

He wanted to go to college and eventually become a game dev, but he didn't have the funds or the support for it (his family thought anything to do with games would amount to a career that would go nowhere).

Because of this, he instead was recruited in the US military. He originally had no intent to join, but after constantly being harrassed recommended to join and being entertained with the concept of being able to afford and pay for college, he caved (hence him telling the science team that his only goal is "to graduate").

He doesn't like his job very much if that wasn't clear.

And neither do most others that have the same job like him.

He was put on a "team" of his own, Team Nice, which was likely arranged as a guaranteed way to get Forzen in the way of danger, and with no one else fighting beside him, he would be easily dealt with- no one would have to worry about him bothering them again. However, he somehow manages to survive all of this, of course. Somehow. He likely knows the real reason he was assigned his own team (if you can even call it that), but refuses to fully acknowledge it for his own sanity, and instead pretends that he's some big, important person on a team that ranks so highly, he's the only one qualified to be in it. (I apologize ahead of time for giving one of the most shitposty and throwaway characters in hlvrai this much depth and angst, there was just potential there leave me alone)

Fast forward to the actual events of hlvrai though. This hc is a little outlandish but I really like the concept!!! So, at one point, Forzen is killed, presumably by some kind of creature that was out and about due to the RenCas. The science team + Benrey stumble across him (act 2 part 2 at around 13 min in for anyone curious), and Benrey decides to use the healing beam Sweet Voice on him. While Benrey and Forzen may not be on good terms anymore, Benrey still very begrudgingly cares about him and didn't want to see him get injured or die. Forzen wakes up a minute or so after the science team exits the room, assuming that he just passed out, nothing more, and goes along with things as normal.

He meets Darnold a while after his first (concious) run in with the science team. Darnold has recently dealt with the science team and helped them out, but is pretty bummed that he couldn't travel with them, as everything was far too scary and dangerous for him. Forzen, wanting to escape Black Mesa and the military altogether, ends up making a deal with him that he'll handle all the dangerous stuff if Darnold can show him a way out.

Now, meeting Darnold is a very new experience for him, since Darnold actually enjoys his company, and actually wants to befriend him! At first, Forzen openly tries to act as if Darnold is a huge deal to put up with- he goes along with with the whole "if you're escaping outta this hellhole with me, you better keep up" kinda deal (despite the fact that he kinda NEEDS Darnold to escape and show him the way out). His walls are still very much so raised, and he doesn't let his guard down as he's not used to others caring about him and his safety. But as time passes, he begins to realize that maybe Darnold DOES want to be his friend, and the tough guy act becomes less apparent.

To preface this next one- Sunkist sensed that something was up (he has a next-level sense of danger when it comes to Tommy's safety) and got to BM as fast as he could, searching every hallway for his boy. This is when Forzen finds him!! He figures that taking Sunkist as a hostage would be enough to get extra info out of the team that's been practically plaguing him lately.

Darnold doesn't know about Forzen's plans to take Sunkist hostage, so is completely fine with traveling alongside him. At one point though, Forzen and Darnold get separated (Forzen occupies him, makes sure hes safe and then runs off to deal with Sunkist). Darnold immediately uses his surroundings to model a quick little teleporter device to get Forzen back, because, you know, the man's a genius. Idc if its logical or not just go with it shhh I've gotta fill in the plotholes with something. That's why Forzen disappears all of a sudden after he's cornered by the science team. He just pops back in front of Darnold suddenly, all confused and loopy from the whole teleportation thing.

As things begin to wind down, Darnold and Forzen make it out of BM and start making a break for it, no idea how they'll get away from BM and to safety somewhere- they didnt really think things through.

Fortunately (or unfortunately for Forzen really), however, G-man picks both of them up. He means to drop Darnold off at Tommy's party, as he observed that Darnold helped his son to safety and is grateful for it. Forzen, though, he intends to "deal with" for messing things up so badly with Tommy, Sunkist, and all of Tommy's friends. This is where Darnold finds out about everything Forzen did and frankly gets really pissed with him since he thought he only had good intentions??? Luckily though, Darnold convinces G-man to give him a second chance, let him go to Tommy's party and apologize, and try things again. G-man, for some reasons agrees- probably bc hes in a good mood, as it IS his son's birthday.

The party is pretty uncomfortable to say the least. Tommy's extremely hesitant to talk to Forzen, but he does, and they end up on neutral terms by the end of it. Uneasy, but neutral. Tommy and Darnold hit it off though, and Tommy opens the invitation to Darnold that he can visit his place anytime now that everything at BM is over with.

As everyone's getting ready to leave, Forzen mentions to Darnold that he doesn't have a place to stay, seeing as the entire military was kinda. Yknow. Wiped out. Obviously wouldn't wanna go back to check anyways. And he has no interest in going home to his parents. So Darnold agrees to let him stay with him since they've become good pals over the course of everything.

Over time, Darnold visits Tommy more and more often. He starts bringing Forzen along, which Tommy is iffy of at first, but their dynamic starts to change and become more comfortable once Tommy sees that Forzen isnt interested in being enemies anymore.

Sunkist and Forzen still don't get along for a very long time. Or, well- it's moreso that Sunkist is very wary about Forzen, despite him not doing anything to harm either Sunkist or Tommy.

Oh yeah and almost forgot to mention one of my favorite hcs (that I PROMISE you started out as a joke but then I got attached) is Sunkist can talk!! So his first spoken interaction with Forzen after Forzen comes over to visit for the first time is literally just him being all threatening and laying down the ground rules bc he doesn't want Forzen to hurt Tommy at all in any way. And of course Forzen about has a heart attack bc "HUH??????? THERE'S A DOG THAT IS SPEAKING HUMAN WORDS TO ME"

UHH I HAVE MORE (I've written out so much shit about dynamics and what I'd think would happen even after all of this) BUT I DON'T WANT THIS TO BE TOO LONG like it already is SO I SUPPOSE I'LL LEAVE IT AT THAT FOR NOW!!!! I hope this isn't too ooc either, I just have Emotions about this series and write too much so why not share it yknow

[3starsquinn]

Lazy Afternoons || Orion & Winn

Timing: June 3rd (Don’t @ us)

Parties: Orion & Winn ( @packsbeforesnacks )

Location: The Commons

Summary: Winn and Rio meet up to discuss Winn’s disappearance and Winn’s memory loss.

Mixed feelings. That was the only way that Orion knew how to describe what he was feeling as he sat, legs crossed, his feet tucked under them. He had picked a random spot on the grass, his bookbag next to him and filled to the top with books. He had agreed to help Winn. That was what Scribes were supposed to do right? He had questions about werewolves and Scribes were meant to collect and impart knowledge. But that didn’t really answer the question about Winn. Was he angry? He didn’t know enough about the situation to hold a grudge. But he didn’t know how else to feel. Hurt? Scared? Those feelings were both way too complicated. Anger was easier. But his dad being with him made things even more complicated. Maybe. Rio didn’t know how to feel anymore. But there wasn’t much time to dwell on it now. His hearing picked up on Winn’s voice from across the large field. Rio jumped up, spinning around to face Winn and who he assumed was his dad crossing the field to meet them. Awkwardly, and against his better judgement, Rio smiled and waved at the two.

The way to campus wasn’t awkward, per se. Sure, his dad had requested to meet his friend fairly out of nowhere, but Winn didn’t begrudge the man for wanting to be involved in his life. (Even if it was, like, a little weird.) But his dad hadn’t told him why he wanted to meet Rio, beyond some bull about wanting to meet a fellow researcher. There’d been a weird look on his face when he’d said that, like he knew somethin’ about Rio that Winn didn’t. And Winn didn’t… well, he didn’t love that? But he’d made a compromise with Dad. Winn would let him tag along and meet Rio, but only if his dad gave them some time to hash things out alone. His dad was happy to go antagonize his future bosses (and walk Denny through campus). As they approached Rio, Winn tossed a blanket his way. “Hey, help me spread it out. I brought grub.” Winn wasn’t above bribery, so had stopped and gotten Rio some fast food, the same order, exactly, as when they’d been on their way to the retreat-that-wasn’t. And who didn’t love a spring afternoon, lazin’ about on a blanket? He’d almost brought a frisbee, but he figured that would kill the vaguely serious vibe. Winn could only hope this conversation went as halfway decently as the others had. Rio didn’t seem the punchin’ type, at least. Denny sniffed at Rio, and Winn remembered that Rio technically hadn’t been introduced properly to his dog. “Oh, Rio, meet Denny. Denny, it’s not nice to sniff new friends without askin’.” The dog looked at him, then immediately back to Rio — an eye roll in dog language, Winn was pretty sure. “And Rio Quinn meet…” 

“Daniel Woods,” Daniel said, holding out his hand to Orion for a shake. “Winn has asked that I,” he held up his fingers, doing air quotes as his students had taught him, “buzz off and let you two talk for a while. Please do go easy on him.” He laughed, tugging on Denny’s leash. “Let’s go, Mister Deniability. I am sure Dean Skaro would love to meet you.” Oh, how Daniel despised that man.

Orion huffed and crossed his arms when he saw that Winn was carrying a bag of food with him across the courtyard. Was this some sort of peace offering? “You can’t just bring food and expect me to— Is that a milkshake too?” Rio squinted his eyes but softened for a moment as he considered the bribe. Eventually, he exhaled the breath that he had apparently been holding and his arms fell to his side. Soon, he completely gave in and bent down to help spread out the blanket. His attempts were thwarted by the dog, but Rio didn’t mind. He held his hand out gingerly, allowing Denny time to get adjusted to the new face before jumping in to try to pet him.

Rio shook the man’s hand, smiling widely and trying to ignore any of the awkward tension, if it could even be called that, between himself and Winn. “Such a pleasure to meet you, sir! I’m super excited to have you join the staff at the college. I’ll make sure that Winn lets me know once you have classes that I can take a look at.” If nothing else, it was always positive to meet another person that was passionate about their academics and learning. Rio knew nothing about the man’s specialty, but he respected him even if he wouldn’t be taking any of his classes. 

Eventually, Daniel led the dog away and suddenly Rio was left with just Winn and the food he had brought along. Rio avoided talking as long as he could be shoveling food in his mouth and then taking the longest possible drink from his milkshake whenever he finished chewing. But the food would run out eventually. And if he knew Winn at all, he wasn’t going to go anywhere. “So. You’re back in town obviously. Where did you go?”

The knots in Winn’s stomach hadn’t loosened, even after explainin’ himself over and over again, so he figured food wasn’t an amazin’ idea for him right now. While Rio ate, and super obviously avoided talking, Winn sipped at a sorry excuse for sweet tea. Least it wasn’t raspberry. Every ‘sweet’ tea Winn had tried for the first few months had been fuckin’ raspberry. Northerners. You can drink sugar, you just gotta pretend like it’s healthy. Naw, admit that shit. Be honest. Speakin’ of…

“Look, I wasn’t lyin’ about everythin’ that happened. I mean, not the basics. A lot of it was a big misunderstandin’, and I didn’t even know y’all thought I was gone until Noah popped me one square on my jaw.” A sip of tea. “You haven’t known me that long, but I really hate lyin’, if I can avoid it. So, um, my name is… well, was Winthrop Linton Zhou. Dad used to be the English department chair down at Georgetown. Mom was in Congress. I, um… some bad shit went down with a Hunter — the kind we both hate — and from there shit gets… blurry. Literally. I wish I could tell you why I was in White Crest, but some shit’s been goin’ on recently, some people suggestin’ maybe I don’t know who I am. And I… Well, I figured the quickest way to remind myself of who I am was to go and talk to the folks who knew me best. Dad. And, uh, my ex-boyfriend-slash-packmate.”

“I didn’t mean to be gone for more than a couple of days, but my dad is a, uh, huxian? Or, shit, what do the Japenese legends call them… kitsune? Foxes. Apparently, when a huxian has a kid with a human, it’s a bit of a coinflip on whether or not the kid comes out human. I got the human end of the coin, so my dad kept my nose out of the supernatural side of the world until… well, until I found it myself. But shit went down, I only found out Dad was, again, literally a fox, last week.” Okay, yeah, naw, Winn couldn’t do this sitting up. He flopped down into the space next to Rio, head resting against Rio’s thigh. “But, um, Dad suggested maybe I’d lost my memory? Or… had it taken? Wanted to rule out, um, wolf-causes before I went after… other causes. And when I asked you, I mean, I thought there was no way it was anything other than some wolf shit. Now, I don’t really know.” He scrubbed at his eyes with the palms of his hands. “So, um. What’s new with you? Likin’ the hair color.” Winn winked up at Rio.

Orion sat patiently, silently while listening to Winn’s timeline. At first it just sounded… like an excuse. Rio had heard enough of them. He remembered all the rushed excuses as to why they had to rush away from Rio if they had gotten stuck in a conversation after Athena was gone. Rio wanted to believe that he had changed since high school. Grown in some way. Enough to be unbothered by people who showed little interest in him or at least enough to know that he was worth more than that. But maybe nothing had changed at all.

But his story started to get way more specific. And way more personal. There was a lot to unpack here. The ex boyfriend, the powerful parents. Some past history with a hunter. His father was a Kitsune? The father that Rio had just casually introduced himself to? Immediately, Rio had to wonder how old the man was. How many pieces of the history that Rio studied so passionately had he been a part of? Rio had so many questions. And Rio needed to remind himself that none of them were important right now given the rest of Winn’s- Winthrop’s?? Story. “Your name is Winthrop?” Rio blurted out, for some reason, that being a key element sticking out in the story, “Sorry- that is the last thing that’s important right now. Ignore me.”

What was important right now? Winn ran through the timeline so quickly that he wasn’t sure what to ask. Or if he should ask. Winn had been intentionally vague about the hunter story? Was it Rio’s business to ask questions? To pry into that portion of his life. Something important enough to lead into another series of unfortunate events that ended up with him in White Crest of all places.

He figured that was for another time when Winn dove back into the source of their original plans. The memory loss. And its connection to being a wolf for a long period of time. Rio still wasn’t sure what he thought. He felt emotional. From the anger that he felt prior to Winn getting here to the confusion he felt hearing Winn spill his guts to him. Rio was just confused. “I uh- well I don’t know. For sure. Memory loss spells exist. I don’t know much about them though. Aside from that, I don’t think we can discount the idea that it is caused by being a wolf for a prolonged period of time. We have no idea how animals perceive time. It’s arguable that spending so long in that form could alter one’s sense of time or self.” He tapped his fingers against the bookbag, not yet pulling any of the books out but trying to pull some of the information from them through some unknown form of osmosis. 

“Me? Uh- pretty boring stuff. I sleep like maybe two hours a night if I sleep at all. Been studying some ancient demon language to try to research the creepy cult that showed up in town for the squid. Did a blood ritual that gave me a creepy third eye in my hand that sometimes opens and gives me visions of chained demons. Oh! And I dyed my hair pink. So thanks.” He tried answering as nonchalantly as possible. He didn’t want to give too much detail. He was upset that he believed Winn’s excuse. If it was all some lie, Rio was as gullible as ever. If it was the truth, then why did Rio still feel so hurt?

“Um, was?” Winn tried. “Couple extra days down south to get it all changed, but it’s not my name anymore.” He left that hanging in the air, hoping Rio would drop it. It wasn’t important and, unlike Blanche or Noah, Winn knew Rio wouldn’t bring it up unless it was relevant. And, given it would never be relevant again, he figured he’d be safe. “It’s fine. I’m not going to ignore you, man, not even if you beg. Um, if you have any… questions, we can, like. I’m tryin’ to be more honest, so, like… Hit me.” He was tired of telling this story, sure, but there were things that Rio didn’t know about him. And whether or not the younger man ‘deserved’ to know them, Winn wanted this to be a space where Rio felt like he could, at least, ask.

“There’s, um, another thing. I haven’t… told anyone this, but I took wolfsbane for a while. Months. It was… laced with something. Honestly, couldn’t tell you what, and I doubt it’s in my system after all of these years. It— I thought I had stopped taking it around the time the… gap starts, but… Well, I don’t know much about wolfsbane, don’t know much about drugs, but I’ve also never met another wolf who took it for that long, who took it when it wasn’t the Moon.” He sighed, covering his eyes with his hands. The sun wasn’t that bright — well, and they’d be due for another blink soon — but Winn could feel a headache blooming in the back of his head.

“I appreciate you bein’ honest, man. It’s… Well, it’s fine to not know somethin’, even if it makes this all a bit… harder, for me to accept. There’s, uh, this guy. Says he knew me, but I’ve never seen him. We kinda… had it out. I don’t like bein’ told who I am, and I freaked out a bit, and… Anyway, my ex told me that he remembered a man whose name started with an S. So, I… Could something carve out so much time? And what happens if I get those memories back?” He took in a breath, trying to keep the slow creep of anxiety at bay. “I’m scared, Rio. Scared of what could have happened to do something to me like that. And if I did it myself, I mean— There’s just so much I don’t fucking know.” 

He laughed, already more exhausted from this conversation than he’d been all week. Not that that was Rio’s fault. “I don’t mean to keep dumpin’ on you, man. You’ve got your own shit, and I’m… Christ, I’m bein’ a really bad friend right now, huh?” Winn leaned up from his place on Rio’s leg, and smiled sadly. “Demons. I— Man, I know you want to help, but it fucking sucks that you’re probably one of our only hopes. You don’t deserve this shit. I mean, none of us do, but you…” Winn looked at the sun, well, the eyeball, as it blinked slowly, and the lights went out. “Not to get all deep in the dark here, Rio, but do you ever wonder, like, why us? I mean, I know I chose to become a wolf, but I didn’t… I didn’t choose to be hated and feared. You didn’t choose to be born with the gene, but you did choose to help, but why… Why should we even have this shit around to help with?”

“I’m sorry,” Winn said, after a moment. “Really, truly, I am. I took for granted that people wouldn’t… care. If I left. And, fuck, I can’t even look you in the eyes and say I wouldn’t have done  somethin’ like y’all thought I did. I didn’t, but I might’ve. Which is shitty. I told y’all, I told you, that we were friends. And I thought… I don’t know. I thought y’all didn’t care as much as I did. And, like, I’m not tryin’ to put words in your mouth, or give you a sob story. That ain’t the point. I just… figured no one would be hurt, whenever I had to leave. I was wrong. And— Shit, I just want you to know that I care about you, Orion. And I want to stick around, ‘cause y’all make my life better. I was… I was in a bad place when I came to White Crest. I’m not in a perfect place now. But I want to be here, for whatever… for whatever that’s worth. So long as y’all will have me.” And then, the sun came back, and Winn winced. Monologuing in the dark. Very chill Winner.

This was all way too much for Orion to handle right now. He had too much going on. Stressing over this just took his attention away from the plethora of other things that Rio had to stress over at the moment. But Winn was trying. He was really trying. He was rambling. Giving more information than Rio knew what to do with. His name was legally Winn now. Which seemed significant, though Winn didn’t seem too apt to talk about it. And Winn seemed open to any questions. Rio felt too tired to even ask questions right now. Especially when he felt there was still so much he didn’t know. He pushed the offer to the back of his mind for a moment. He’d circle back around to that.

Thinking about an actual assignment helped to ground Rio. He could think better when he was thinking as a researcher than something else. The idea of trying to help Winn with his research was pretty much the only thing that had convinced Rio to actually meet Winn out here. “Not knowing something actually really stresses me out so…” Rio let the sentence fade out, pausing to take a drawn out drink from his milkshake. “This just reminds me of all the other stuff I don’t actually know about.” Winn was missing information. Rio knew about Wolfsbane, knew it’s intended effects. But hadn’t known that wolves took it… recreationally? It must be like some kind of drug. “It depends on the source. If the memories were magically taken then arguably they could be magically restored. Probably.” Not that Rio was any expert on magic. “But- I mean it could be something completely mundane too. Maybe they’re repressed memories. Something your brain blocked out as some sort of defense mechanism. Did you ask your ex? Or do you know that other guy that could help fill in the blanks? Maybe if you start hearing them it will jog some sort of memory?” It was definitely more of a theory than anything Rio was confident about. He wasn’t a doctor though. He definitely wasn’t qualified to talk about this. 

Rio wanted to laugh with Winn regarding the ridiculousness of the town, but when he tried it came out as more of a choked sob than anything else. “I’ve been asking that same question since… I don’t know. Probably like ten-ish? I’ve known about the supernatural for a long time. Practically my whole life. But I didn’t understand what I was at first. I like learning about others. I didn’t realize I was learning how to become a killer.” Rio couldn’t remember the moment that he had his epiphany. But it was harder to remember a time where he didn’t feel that way. 

“Well… we do care.” Rio crossed his arms. There were things he wanted to say. So many doubts that filled his head that he needed answers for. If only he wasn’t too afraid to say them. Or maybe… maybe he should just say them. “Look, I- I just want to know-” Rio paused again. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to be confrontational. “I need to say stuff but I can’t say it with you looking at me so…” Rio looked at him, motioning silently for him to turn away before he finally resorted to pleaing, “Please?” When Winn wasn’t looking at him anymore, Rio followed suit and stared at the ground, focusing on counting blades of grass as he spoke. “I didn’t have any real friends growing up. I guess my sister was one of the few. I don’t even know if we were friends or not. But she did care about me. And she tried to get others to like me. She was popular. I wasn’t. The first couple years she tried to pull me into the popular group. Her friends were nice to me. Nice enough. Until she wasn’t with us to supervise. What I’m saying is- I’ve spent my whole life with pity friends. And I don’t need those. I don’t want those in my life anymore. But I can’t figure out who actually wants to be my friend and who just feels bad for the nerdy, quiet kid with social anxiety. So- if that’s what this is. I don’t care, okay? No hard feelings. We can just cut out losses and go. Because I have a lot going on and I don’t have the emotional capacity for it.” Rio realized he was gasping for breath once he was finally done talking. At first he thought that it was from rambling, but he realized quickly that he was hyperventilating. It felt like the onset of a panic attack, but Rio was keeping things surprisingly under control. He just needed to try to keep it that way.

Winn laughed, short, almost a bark. “You’re telling me... I don’t even know what I don’t know. César — the ex — doesn’t know much. Just when I stopped talking to him.” A frown, considering Rio’s story about being a Hunter. He felt for the younger man, truly. “I can’t imagine what that was like — having your curiosity taken advantage of like that.” 

But Rio didn’t linger long on his past as a child of killing machines. No, instead, surprisingly, he pivoted to his own feelings. Winn would be proud, if not for the way his heart broke in two as Rio described so-called pity friends. And then he was proud, so proud, because Rio was asking him, point-blank, where they stood. Sticking up for himself. Winn wanted to hug Rio. He would. Winn turned back towards the younger, wrapping him up from behind in the biggest embrace he could manage, trying to pour the truth of his friendship, of his affection for Rio, into the squeeze. “Dude,” he said, firmly. “I would never do that to you. I like you ‘cause you’re smart, compassionate, and pet me on the scruff if I ask nice. We are friends. I swear. Maybe not close friends, not yet, but I don’t... I’m choosier than you’d think, about those I let into my life. And I want you here, if you want to be here. Of course I do.” He gave Rio another squeeze for good measure, and held it there for a moment, giving the other man a moment to compose himself.

Orion sighed, wishing that he had something, anything more that he could offer to Winn. But for now, Rio had nothing else to give. He could do some more deep diving. It didn’t make sense that Winn was the first this had ever happened to. It couldn’t have. There had to be an explanation. Rio just had to find it. “Sorry. It must be really frustrating. Losing chunks of time like this.” 

Rio couldn’t believe he had actually built up the courage to lay it out like that. He could only have his friends to thank for this newfound courage. And he wasn’t sure what he expected. Nobody wanted to admit that they were just hanging out with someone out of pity, but Rio hoped that given the circumstance and how honest Rio had just been with Winn that Winn would afford the same honestly. What he hadn’t expected was to be hugged. Rio went still immediately from the surprise. Affection always took Rio off guard, but it wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. Rio had come to find that in certain situations he actually enjoyed being hugged. By the right people. 

Rio really wasn’t expecting for Winn to go into detail on why he liked him. Rio was happy to get an honest answer, but all the spotlight and attention on Rio made him beet red. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked in such a public park, where prying eyes could make Rio feel even more uncomfortable and seen. All he wanted was to be invisible. “Oh. Wow. Well, that was super honest. So, uh, thanks… for being my friend?” He was fumbling through words now, unsure how to respond. When Winn unwrapped the hug, Rio sat back on the blanket and pulled his legs up into what looked like a fetal position. “So, uh— research was sort of a bust this time around. But I brought some extra books with me that we could start looking into? After I finish the rest of my food.” He dug into his bookbag for the tools he was using to change the subject. Maybe Rio was still a bit hurt, but it was at least good to know that Winn was an actual friend.

[autumn-foxfire]

Holy shit I almost choked. Not literal, but all the motions were there. 'also twice removed means something much different in the bnha fandom' You really went and said that huh. Wow. I also think I might show my friend the stardew valley post, she really likes that game. Now for what I actually planned on saying. I support smart Todoroki rights. The constant dumb or extreme baby and can't defend himself portrayals are getting real tiring. Because he absolutely can defend himself. (1/6)

Shouto isn't a coward. He will smack away Endeavor, rant about him freely, and slurp soba and stare him dead in the eye 'oh nasty scar you got there' he is absolutely a smart boi. He just takes sayings a bit too literal sometimes. And hey, I'm socially awkward too! I had a bad childhood too! But if people thought of me how they write Shouto, flinching and cowering and just taking what Endeavor did to him I'd just be really insulted. (2/6) 

He understands a whole lot of things, its kinda a given for us. OP said it all, that conclusion post is super valid too. And yeah what the addition says. It can be tricky to find a balance, most of the time it's always overdone. Can't expect people to get it 100%, it's fanfic. And some people enjoy that. Like I'd be reading a Hawks fic and your so right, they really do that to him. And like, y'all as much as I am for the Commission being shitty and Hawks being baby. (3/6) 

I'm sure canon isn't to that degree. If you really wanna protray Hawks as a victim, please know that's not the only way. And it's insulting to him too. So whenever I see a fic where Hawks oh surprise surprise! Has some actual self-respect, isn't a dumbass and shows his intellect without being a total pushover by the Commission and his entire thought process warped by fanon I'm like heck yeah! That's the good stuff. And hey if you want people to care about him, they can still do that. (4/6) 

Not everyone needs to come off totally broken or like Eri to be a victim. Hawks doesn't need to be confused and slowly guided to know what the Commission did was bad. I doubt he even cares. And at least everytime I've seen people be confronted by their pasts they've all been like 'yeah? I mean, it's all in the past now and I'm doing fine. Thanks though.' But fanfic exists for the reason of people being able to call out situations they don't like. (5/6) 

And canon is 100% okay with the hero training program those guys have and Hawks going on a solo infiltration mission. None of the heroes are gonna bat an eye to that. He's an adult, he did his job. Consequences are your own. Done. That's just how it works, he's doing his risky hero career just like everyone else. Our personal feelings about the unfairness of it all doesn't have a say in how canon accepts it. (6/6)

Okie Dokie! Second time's the charm (mostly because I'm writing this in Notepad and unless my computer freezes, I should be okay)

You're the only one to spot that tag, I'm glad you found it funny (sorry you almost choked or well kinda, though). Also that setup was going to give me nightmares and I don't know how the man did not have anxiety attacks over it. Now to get into the actual answer.

I personally hate it when a smart character is dumbed down for the sake of the plot, whether it be in canon or in fanon. I also hate it when canon characteristics are taken away from the character for plot convienance too.

Shouto is a young man that is awkward in social situations and can be oblivious to jokes or sometimes take jokes to literal (like the time with Mount Lady). He is brave and intelligent. He isn't a cowering child, not anymore. He can and he has stood up to his father on multiple occassions and while he's socially awkward at times, he's learning how to interact with his friends and classmates around him (I recently saw a post about how Sero was discussing trading manga with him so he does have friends outside of Izuku and Bakugo). You don't need to reduce him to a boy that flinches whenever someone raises a hand or is secretly afraid of his father whenever the two of them alone because the way Shouto expresses and deals with his trauma in canon is completely valid too.

It's the same with Hawks. Hawks is aware of his crappy situation and how he was raised, it was even his excuse to join the league (being trapped in a birdcage). He's also not blind to the commission or it's faults and corruption. He even defied an order to allow innocent people to die in order to further his mission because he knew it was wrong. He's also constantly referencing how the commission doesn't give him much choice too. Which is why I'm always confused when Hawks is portrayed to believe the commission is right and needs to be gently guided (usually by the LoV but's that's a rant for another day) to realise this situation isn’t okay. If anything Hawks just needs help untangling himself from the commission’s influence (and the best stories I've read of Hawks doing that have been with the support of heroes, not villains, but maybe I'm just biased).

(Though I'm not sure how okay people would be to learn that both Shouto and Hawks were trained from a young age and reduced to their quirks/worth and Hawks was even told to give up his name. While it's common for teenagers to hone their quirks, especially before the entrance exams to hero schools, I don't think anymore would be okay with six years olds being told to master their quirks to perfection)

Overall though, people can write what they want. If they want to write Shouto flinching or Hawks being completely under the thumb of the HPSC then they can. Hell, sometimes I enjoy those stories myself even so I can't judge. But when I don't like a story I just backspace and then leave it alone because something that I might not like might be the favourite story for someone else. We all have our preferences and perspectives of characters, these are mine.

[avanalae]

I was tagged by dear @miss-annthropy (rahndom) who seems to be bringing it back, which I'm fine with.

•°○°•

Nickname: Ava, Avana, other irl ones and a few that only my best friends can use because I love them and I find nicknames to be a great way of showing affection 😘

Zodiac: Capricorn ♑

Height: 5' 7" or 170 cm 🙆‍♀️

Hogwarts House: Ravenclaw, tho it's always been a close tie with Slytherin. So, Slytherclaw!🐍🦅

Last thing I googled: Uhhhh idk I dont have Google keep track of my search history. 🤷‍♀️

Song stuck in my head: None at the moment because I'm listening to music rn 🎧

Number of followers: I'm actually almost at 700, when I checked a few days ago. I was very surprised. 😳

Amount of sleep: Uhhh so my sleep has been so off recently due to my being so ill but normally I need 8-10 hours to function 😴

Lucky Number: 13 👀

Dream Job: Character designer - preferably involved in video games 🎮

Wearing: My purple Batman logo nightshirt. Its not 3 am idk what you're talking about 😰

Favorite song: I Miss the Misery by Halestorm rn but it changes literally every week or less. 🎵

Favorite Instrument: Timpani! 🥁 (<-- not timpani)

Favorite Author: Tamora Pierce 🙏 She is a true blessing.

Favorite Animal noise: KITTY PURRS 😍

Aesthetic: Uhh it varies but I tend to like more modern styles with some flair. Black and white with accent colors for furnishings and such. Uh, I really like swirls and subtle patterns in decor and such. I dress real casually usually, simple dresses with handkerchief skirts when I wear one (which is not often), dress shirts with patterns I like for nice stuff, etc. I like gothic and lolita stuff visually, along with other things like that that I can't think of at the mo due to my headache. 🛍

Random: Uhhh =__= Okay so I had to look up a list of random questions and decided to rant about where I live. For some reason.

As some of you may know, I live in the state of Arizona in the United states. It's (unfortunatly) commonly known for being a huge desert but it's not true! 😩 Arizona actually experiences almost, if not all, known biomes!! Though parts of 3 of the 4 North American deserts are in parts of the state so I guess I get the assumption. But in the arid areas, we actually have 5 seasons: spring, dry summer, wet summer, fall, winter.

I do live in a very arid part of the state, so rain is always a blessing and usually a fun experience. Children here usually cant focus in classes when it's raining. I know I couldn't. 😂 And the smell of creosote bushes during and after the rain... oh that smell means so much to me. I live for the smell of rain and the creosote, so heavy in the air that you can just breathe it in. The clouds so dark and dreary shading the land and refreshing it, giving way to a clear sky. 😌 Man, I just cannot wait for monsoon season.

Tl;dr - Arizona is awesome if you think otherwise I respect your opinion but will wonder if you've even been here and may suggest looking up some info. 🏜

•°○°•

I tag @heartslogos, @ailea, @jaykore, @bluethursday, @yufei, and, uh, anyone who wants to do it? And no one is under any obligation to. Thanks for reading!

[aahsoka]

So having been on tiktok for a bit I wanna talk a little about it.

What I like

It’s actually rather entertaining to scroll through up to 30 second videos one after the other. Sometimes the humor falls flat or it’s not your taste, but the algorithim is quite good at recommending the kind of content you will like.

I joined right when there was a big trend going around about sharing your culture, and soon after a Blackout trend where non-Black creators stopped posting for a day & spread/supported videos by Black creators. So I ended up with a fairly diverse fyp or “for you page”. It also quickly gathered that I am bisexual, so I get plenty of lgbt+ content. There’s some art mixed in there, some cosplay, some historical costuming/seamstresses, lots of avatar jokes lately, musical theatre content, fashion, girls in bikinis on rollerskates (in outer space), commentary on political issues, body positivity, all the kinds of stuff I like. To get a feed that caters to your interests you just have to watch & like videos you’re interested in & eventually it gets a feel for what you’ll watch and what you won’t.

Theres a trend where people say which ‘side’ of tiktok they’re on and I get ‘science side of tumblr’ flashbacks but I’ve mostly avoided the “straight” and conservative sides of tiktok. I would be considered a part of “woke”, “alt” (as in alternative) and lgbt+ tiktok (there are separate ones for each letter of the acronym). Possibly also “theatre” and “cosplay” tiktok. These categories are nebulous and you’re usually part of multiple communities; its just as arbitray as ‘science side of tumblr’ was.

The format reminds me of snapchat a little, and I love to talk to myself on video & post dumb thirst traps for my friends (none of which I’m attracted to so idk what my goal is there) and make stupid jokes. So this app is kinda perfect for my attention seeking side & hyperactive tendencies. Its very easy to consume on a short attention span, though not as easy as vine was.

Being in quarantine, its a way for a lot of people to engage in hobbies that involve community. Cosplay is pretty popular, as its a fun way to show off a costume & dress up & have fun without having to attend a convention. I enjoy the way lip synced audios can be used to emulate the character someone is dressed as; that’s something you couldn’t really do unless you were really good at impressions. Its a nice succinct way to show the process of creating a cosplay as well.

Those who enjoy theatre, but cannot perform in shows at this time, are able to create mini-monologues & sketches as well as sing parts of their favorite songs. Its an avenue through which to perform without putting anyone at risk of the virus. It’s also an easy way to show off your talents without having to go through the audition process & actually get cast in a show as a prominent enough role that someone will notice it.

It’s a convenient format for discourse and educational videos. Nice, short, easily digestible tidbits that stay in your mind. This extremely catchy song, for example: “Black neighborhoods are overpoliced, so of course they have higher rates of crime, and white perpetrators are undercharged, so of course they have lower rates of crime. And all of those stupid stats you keep using are operating off a small sample size. So, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up”.

As well as other videos where people take the time to explain historical events, satirize racist arguments to demonstrate why they are wrong, talk about prevalent tropes in movies, teach a few signs in ASL, share facts about their culture, etc, etc. I have found there are quite a lot of people there from unique and fairly unknown cultures and backgrounds- and this is a place where they’re able to share their culture & existence with people all over the world. There are a thousand different viewpoints. Their videos are doing far more for diverse representation than any other platform, I’d argue, as everyone is extremely visible on the app. (‘Their’ as in the creators, not the app itself).

I also have enjoyed coming across new artists on the app. It’s really fun to watch the process they go through, as most art videos deal with the whole creation of a piece. It’s inspiring. I have also come across a painter who’s work I’m in love with, and a woman who makes and sells the CUTEST ceramic mugs, and I need to purchase some stuff from them both.

Now onto the bad:

Unfortunately, the app doesn’t have much in the way of a filtering or warning system. I talked about that tiktok of the kids coming across human remains? That was just on people’s fyp. Just popped up. No warning. No reason for it to still be up. Traumatizing.

You can click on a video and say ‘not interested’ (I do this to literally every video I get where some girl is thirsting after kylo ren 🤮..... like I want the star wars videos just not THOSE videos). However, it doesn’t seem to know exactly why you weren’t interested, because I still get those videos from time to time. There’s no content filter where I can blacklist the kylo ren or any other hashtag.

There’s some very shitty content. There are racist conservatives. Misogynistic teen white boys. Really weird thirst traps. Videos where people lip sync to something with a straight face and tag it with #acting. Harmful body image trends. I thankfully stay very clear of this, but this kind of content makes me worry for the minors on the app. The one’s who don’t have enough of a concept of self yet to realize they don’t need to be able to do the newest pointless beauty trend to be beautiful, to realize it’s ok for them to be gay, to realize how predatory some adults can be, etc etc.

It is extremely easy to come across minors on the app who don’t look like teens. One time I went to a girl’s page and it said she was FIFTEEN. I’m usually good at guessing ages but something about this app messes that up. I wish there was a way to separate people under 18 and adults. Where I don’t have minor’s thirst traps popping up on my fyp. Where pedophiles don’t get a chance to curate that fyp intentionally. If anyone reading this has kids, I highly recommend they make their tiktok private or only viewable to friends.

Just like any site, there are plenty of bigots. Lots of racist comments. Plenty of transphobia. Any hatred you’ve seen elsewhere, of course it exists on tiktok. I have actually zero clue if you can report people & if it works. Most people seem to send a video commentary to their haters or duet a video of a racist pointing out their racism. I’ve heard of creators blocking people, however. I remember a tiktok of a Black woman who’s video somehow went fairly viral in Poland and now she gets a lot of racist comments from this large group of random racisf Polish followers she has and its extremely time consuming to block them all, as there’s no mass block feature.

The rumors about what works with the algorithm and doesn’t abound. I’ve heard well lit videos get more views. Many people suspect they have been shadowbanned for speaking out about current events. TikTok will remove the audio from videos sometimes if they deem it controversial enough. Most of us know they were criticized recently for intentionally keeping Black creator’s videos from being seen (a catalyst for the Blackout, actually). Or you may also recall when it was criticized for widely removing lgbt+ content. Those creators are fighting to be seen the same amount as straight cis white creators are allowed to be seen with no effort.

The effects some trends could have on teen girls. So many of them are already so uncomfortable in their own skin simply because of societal standards, but the absolutely meaningless challenges people come up with on tiktok make it so much worse. One trend was based around whether your finger touched your lips when you put it in your nose. Or if you could get your clasped hands around the back of your legs and over your butt (if they get passed, you have a flat ass, if they get stuck, its big). These completely arbitrary signifiers of the things you need to have in order to be pretty, are far more ridiculous that anything I have seen yet in my life. I worry about little girls taking these ideas to heart. There is a very kind body positive community on the app & I hope more people can find that.

There’s also that thing where they steal your data. Like most apps. But apparently they got a lot more invasive than usual, so I would look into it before making an account; if you want to do that.

I think the apps users can be great & its a pretty intuitive set up. It certainly deserves its popularity solely as a creative form of social media. That being said, its owners are so so insidious & do the worst things. Just like all other social media, its controlled by the worst kind of people. Who can never figure out how to effectively get rid of nazis or keep kids safe from adult content.

These are my less serious gripes with the app:

1) Lip syncing

When people lip sync and don’t do any kind of skit, joke, etc, just look as if they’re saying what someone else said; I hate that. I have to go back and find the original tiktok so I can like it instead. You literally did nothing interesting by ripping off someones audio and moving your lips along to it. So many people on this app are creative and so many others lack any semblance of creativity.

Also people are too easily impressed by lip syncing to kinda-fast songs. I lip synced to like....10 seconds of the devil went down to georgia and two people praised my lip syncing abilities. Like, I can also sing and talk fast, out loud, isn’t that more impressive? more skillful? The fiddle playing in that song is impressive, not the fact I can lip sync ‘the devil went down to georgia, he was lookin for a soul to steal, he was in a bind, cause he was way behind.’ Have you ever seen someone play Johnny’s fiddle solo????? It’s insane!!!

Rather than see someone lip sync to the verse in Stressed Out 2x faster than normal (which is, extremely simple and the song was overplayed and ingrained into our collective consciousness) and go WOW what about someone.....doing the verse out loud. You can litterally just mouth random words and look like you’re saying the right ones. It’s driving me crazy lmao. I’m set to become a God of tiktok because I have a repertoire of fast songs and rap verses memorized. It’s not even an uncommon skill to speak or sing quickly, people literally make rap music for a living! Listen to it maybe.

2) “Acting”

I am begging you to stop making me sit through those horrible POVs. I cannot take another girl not quite fake crying towards the camera as she lip syncs the words from a song that apply to the random situation she decided she was in. I cannot take another boy who thinks its sexy to stare into a camera and smirk in every single situation he creates.

Back to lip syncing, making facial expressions along to words isn’t really acting. Try saying the words out loud perhaps? The inflection you use with your lines is a pretty big part of acting. Like you can lip sync all you want, just stop tagging it with #acting.

3) Comedic timing, or lack thereof

You don’t need the entire intro to sit there looking at the camera waiting until the first line starts and you can lip sync to the part that’s the joke. You could cut off at least 15 seconds. Brevity is the soul of wit.

When your joke involves both reading text on screen and listening to the song for the punchline, if it isn’t done prefectly, its so difficult to follow. I can’t read a paragraph in 5 seconds. Paraphrase.

4) self deprecating artist audio

the audio thats like ‘this wont get views’ ‘I suck’ ‘you probably won’t see this anyway’ LOVE YOURSELF

It sucks when people dont enagage with your art but it sucks worse when your value in yourself and you art is based solely on receiving that validation. Please find a healthy medium.

Also you’re asking for pity, and you don’t want that. You want people who genuinely love your art for what it is.

5) editing videos is really hard how do you make such cool & smooth transitions????

please help me I don’t understand

Finally

here’s my account if you’re interested

[starlene]

Quarantine tags!

Once again, sorry for being a bit absent lately and not answering many messages – the current situation is not really helping me with the constant fatigue thing, so I’ve been ignoring most of my notifications as of late.

However, I have lovely Tumblr friends who tag me in things to digitally drag me out of my hidey-hole, so here goes... Answering all the text-based questionnaires you’ve been tagging me in!

Music list tag game

Tagged by @homospeksuaali!

Rules: list ten songs you’ve been listening to recently.

Straight from the top of my Spotify On Repeat playlist to your dashboard:

Tomas Ledin: Midsommarafton i Himalaya

Så som i himmelen original cast: Tonerna

En del av mitt hjärta soundtrack: Just nu

Erika Vikman: Cicciolina

Tomas Ledin: Hon gör allt för att göra mig lycklig - Live

Så som i himmelen Norwegian cast: Drar selv om jeg ikke vil

En del av mitt hjärta soundtrack: Lika hopplöst förälskad

Alexander Lycke: Gethsemane

Tomas Ledin: Håll ut - Live

Så som i himmelen Norwegian cast: Så som i himmelen (same song as Tonerna on the Swedish album)

In conclusion, Spotify is trying its best to hide my shame, I have literally listened to nothing but Tomas Ledin there for over a week now. Right now, I’m listening to När kärleken kom for the 20th time in a row.

Quarantine Tag Game

Tagged by @oopperan-kummitus!

Are you staying home from school/work? Yes, but it’s because I was unemployed & going to the career psychologist to try to figure out my career when this situation started. Still very much trying to figure that out, it just seems somewhat more hopeless now.

If you’re staying home, who is there with you? My seven houseplants.

Are you a homebody? Very much so. Despite that, in my circle of friends, I’m also usually the one who organises outings and such. Since I’ve been too tired lately to make many things happen (I love traveling and seeing shows and whatever, of course – but organising those things, especially for a group, can be a huge pain sometimes), I’ve been spending even more time home than usually, even before the quarantines were a thing. In that sense, the quarantine hardly bothers me at all.

An event that you were looking forward that got cancelled? Seeing Alexander Lycke as Freddie in Chess. It’s been my dreamrole for him since forever. However, I try to keep my hopes up – if it’s truely meant to happen, it will still happen one day, and if not, hopefully the universe has something else nice with him in store for me. (There are other things than that, too, of course – but I already wrote about the birthday thing earlier and I can deal with the rest.)

What movies have you watched recently? Nothing since I saw En del av mitt hjärta for the... 7th? time in Stockholm in February. I don’t really enjoy watching movies on small screens, especially when I’m alone, and I’m admittedly lazy when it comes to going to the cinema, though I really like watching stuff on the big screen.

What shows are you watching? None. I can’t really concentrate on them.

What music are you listening to? See above. Also, Jesus Christ Superstar (the 2009 Swedish & 1996 West End revival recordings), it’s the only Easter tradition I have.

What are you reading? Tonight, in honour of Easter, I went on a Wikipedia binge about the historicity of Jesus. Here’s something you maybe don’t know about me: I absolutely love learning stuff about different religions. Stuff like the origins of Christianity is simply super fascinating to me!

What are you doing for self-care? Uh. I try to take a walk every day and not buy any unhealthy snacks. Does listening to Tomas Ledin 24/7 count? I think it’s helping my soul to stay above water these days, if a metaphor like that makes sense.

Nameless tag game

Tagged by @agenderhyde!

Top 3 Ships: Utterson/Jekyll, always and eternally and forever... and, seeing what I’ve been watching lately, I think I have to give a shoutout to Isabella/Edwin & Molly/Simon from En del av mitt hjärta here. They’re all very cute in that movie.

Last Song: Tomas Ledin: När kärleken kom (yes, I’m still at this, I’m listening my way through his discography by having an individual song on repeat until I’m fed up with it – which, let me tell you, takes a lot of repeats – and then moving onto the next one.)

Last Movie: En del av mitt hjärta

Reading: Just bought two new books, a nonfiction book about women in the Viking Age (because I listened to a very interesting podcast interview with the author) and a historical novel about Jesus (see previous tag for reasons). Let’s see if these help me to find my ability to concentrate again!

Three Random Things that Make Me Happy: Seeing squirrels, wearing my old leather jacket & shoes, the existance of Norwegian fjords.

I’m tagging @veilingofthesun, @askyfullofcomets, @ensignbeedrill, @bluepeets, @ananaskeksi & @fraciel to do all of these, if you want to – feel free to pick the ones you like the best or haven’t done yet, or do them all!

[jaehyunavenue]

a fool ♡ nyt {1.6k words}

pride and prejudice!yuta + y/n

in which mr. nakamoto proves to be the most infuriating of men.

"that's not to say that i'm fond of you," mr. nakamoto said, his chest pushed out, eyes as icy as a winter morning's frozen lake. you felt the crowd around you try to push back a gasp, but a few had found the challenge too hard.

"let's get out of here," your friend whispered to you, a warm hand guiding you through the crowd.

it had been a few months since your aforementioned best friend had announced her engagement to mr. dong sicheng, and society had been abuzz at the news of this pairing. so what else could've made this even more sensational, if not for mr. nakamoto, mr. dong's intimidating best friend, falling for the bride-to-be's soul sister? society was drinking this up.

the entire situation was infurtiating, because you had no idea where these rumors were coming from. a man like him had no shred of love left in his body, so how could he give it to someone else?

you had tried to call as little attention to yourself as you wove through the crowd, but this had proven to be nearly impossible. believing you'd finally get some more alone time with mr. nakamoto, you had followed the advice of your sisters and dressed up a bit. karma knew though, because she had come to tell you you should've known your place.

you were in the midst of an intellectual discussion, when you felt the people around you come closer. it's them, right? was the phrase on everyone's mind.

"you know, you're pretty smart, miss y/n," mr. nakamoto had simply stated. a few older women around you two snickered, and it seemed to have caught him off-guard.

"that's not to say i'm fond of you."

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"y/n, darling!" your mother shouted up the stairs. "please come down!"

you hurried to tie the ribbon in your hair, getting out of your room and instantly rushing down.

"what is it, mother dear?" you inquired.

"i've just received notice that your friend has come down with a fever! oh dear, could you fetch a carriage and send some soup to her? i believe both her and mr. dong sicheng are at mr. nakamoto's manor."

"she's what?" you asked again. you felt as if your heart would explode. recently, you'd heard of a new sickness that was claiming many lives, and it always started off with a simple fever. your heart automatically assumed the worse, so it didn't take you long before you carried the soup out.

"elizabeth, have you seen the carriage?" you asked your maid.

"miss, i believe your father had some important business in london. they're not to arrive in a week or two."

and so it wasn't long before you headed to the stalls, picked the healthiest-looking horse, and headed out.

"y/n!" your mother screamed. you could feel her anger, so you rushed, hoping she wouldn't catch up to you just as you were heading out.

your sister was right outside when she saw you speeding past her on her horse.

"who will marry you??" you could hear her temper from behind. "a lady never rides alone!"

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the newly-brewed storm was now in full swing, whipping your skirts around. your horse tried to gallop ahead, but her whines had slowly gotten more and more frequent.

"it's okay, it's just a storm," you tried muttering.

just at that second, your horse slipped and fell, and you fell in too. your pink dress was now a mix of browns and blacks, dirtied by mud.

and, as if that wasn't enough, your horse got up with a whine and raced back in the opposite direction.

to say you were having a bad day would be an understatement.

you got up, looking around. the heavy rain was making it hard to figure out where you were, but you could still manage to recognize some of the outlines around you. if you were correct, you were just over the halfway mark of your journey. it would take you about an hour and a half to continue, and about two hours if you wanted to head back home. there was only one rational choice.

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you were sure you looked like hell. the mud on your dress had dried in random spurts, your hair was drenched and stuck to your forehead, and the cold weather had made you develop a runny nose after just under two hours of walking. the soup you carried with you was now freezing cold, but you still made your way forward.

you had entered the front garden of mr. nakamoto, and even your soured mood couldn't help hiding the admiration in your eyes. you had heard about his family and his influence, but this garden was above what you had imagined. marble statues sat alongside perfectly trimmed trees, and the beautiful arrangements of roses occasionally gave way to tiny groves hiding elegant, but small fountains.

you turned around, feeling embarrassed at how your muddy footsteps had left marks on the gravel. the storm had quieted down meanwhile, and now you could think clearly. standing right in front of the door of the most gorgeous manor you had ever seen, you were seriously considering leaving the soup on the doorstep and heading back. your hand was angled already, ready to knock, but it slowly made its’ way down. how could you possibly come in, looking like this and knowing this was his house, especially after what he had told you last week?

you turned around, making your way back, when you heard the front door open.

"if my cat dragged in something looking like you, i'd throw it back out," his gruff voice greeted you. "come in."

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what had been one sick woman had become two sick women after your courageous trip. your mother was instantly assured of your safety and informed that you couldn't possibly come back home in the state you were in, and she had granted you permission to stay at mr. nakamoto's. after all, he could afford a better physician and was closer to him too, so you could only benefit from the situation. so why did you feel so out of place?

mr. dong sicheng was constantly calling friends over, trying to entertain his fiance and her best friend as well as possible and yet, your host had done nothing but give you the occasional odd eye. the drawing room conversations always ended with a snarky remark towards your side, which would result in everyone slowly dissipating to their rooms, and you'd be left in the dark of your chambers, trying to fight your cold off.

your friend was almost all better, but she refused to leave you alone, taking mr. dong sicheng and his entertaining skills away with her too. so, slowly but surely, you had started feeling like a bother, spoiling what was proving to be a gradually sunnier month. the physician said you were definitely on the road to getting better, it's just that you had a few symptoms that were harder to get through. so why did it feel like you were only getting worse?

the night was slowly settling in, and you eased yourself into your bed. just as you lay down, you felt your head ache aggressively, and it had taken you all you could muster to ring the maid bell before you passed out.

once you woke up though, the maid was not the one holding the cool, damp cloth to your forehead. instead, a pair of dark eyes had greeted yours'.

"the physician just left," mr. nakamoto had started. "he said this was likely your illness' last try, and you should definitely be improving after your fainting spell."

you mused over this new piece of information. yes, you did feel better. although you were still undeniably sick, you did not feel as weak as before. your cold was now just a pestering side-event, instead of a death sentence.

you tried to rise out of bed, but were met with protests. his hand touched your shoulder, and you could feel the warmth of his fingers through your nightgown as he pushed you back into bed. the man you had considered so stern and unforgiving proved to have the softest of touches.

"you know-" he began, voice heavy with what would soon become another harangue against your foolish ways.

"i know, i really do," you stopped him before he could continue. "i was stupid. i should've waited, or called for help, or-"

and yet, as his fingers pushed a curl of hair behind your ear, you could feel none of that condescending attitude he usually had.

"do you think that's what i was about to tell you?" he whispered back, the slight ghost of a mischievous smile flashing across his features, eyes angled to the floor.

"like you would miss the chance to remind me how much of a fool i am?" you fired back. your newly improved condition had offered some of your fire back to you.

"do you really think that's what i think of you?" he asked calmly, but his smile was now evident on his face.

"is it not? because if it isn't, you clearly aren't making it obvious. thank you for all the times you've made me seem inferior to you in front of society then." you shot at him, lower lip jutting out subconsciously.

he really must hate me, you thought. it seemed as though as he always tried to make you seem as stupid as possible, with his witty remarks and cool exterior, and especially in front of those deemed important. maybe that's why you were surprised as your thoughts got interrupted by his face, hovering just above your's.

"then maybe i should try harder," he said, almost sadly, and his thumb rested over your chin, just as his lips enveloped your's in the sweetest of kisses.

honk, she’s back. finals are (almost) over and i’ve been meaning to write this for a while (this was actually originally meant for jaehyun !!! but i thought yuta would fit better) and i finally got to doing it! so pls (hopefully) expect some more stuff in the upcoming week. as for now, thank you for reading <3333

p.s. istg if this doesnt show up in the tags ill LITERALLY rip my hair out