#like kts slowly and painfully

[dreamsclock]

Deitiy AU Schlatt b like: "I could take this godling under kt wing anf teach him everything I know and likely forge a deep bond with the most powerful person on the server... But that also sounds like Emotional Effort...." (Also Revivebur taking advantage of Godling Dreams curiosity and clear admiratipn of him...)

oh MAN, this stings,, i’m always here for god/deity au for dream, and adding wilbur into the mix??? PAIN (and pls schlatt is just like: getting emotionally connected to someone is effort. getting under their skin and minorly irritating them at every turn is much better). cut for length + dark themes !!

warnings: toxic relationship, manipulation, dark themes/content, mental illness/deterioration, god complex/powers, unhealthy coping mechanisms, dark thoughts, death

“I’m... I’m a god.” Wilbur watches Dream savour the words in sheer disbelief, filtering the amusement on his face with a patient sort of smile instead. “I’m really a god.”

“You are,” Wilbur agrees softly, eyes never leaving his new ally, “you’re god, Dream.”

Dream lets loose a wild laugh; unhinged, like his whole concept of reality is fraying at the seems, and Wilbur watches him come undone slowly. It’s always been fascinating to people-watch — god-watching is twice as much, so it seems. Because Dream has been so painfully human for so long: for him to learn he’s a god changes everything.

“I’m god,” he whispers, deliriously, lifting his hands and staring at them trembling like they’re an unfamiliar concept, “Wilbur, I’m—”

“Try something,” Wilbur urges him, words carefully encouraging, “tap into your god mode. See what you can do.” He pauses a moment, deliberate, watching Dream’s too-bright green eyes snap to him. “Impress me.”

And that’s the push Dream needs, because he’s always seeking approval, he’s always desperate to impress, especially when it comes to Wilbur. He slips into god mode so quickly he staggers, thrown, and Wilbur has to hold him steady before he falls. But when Dream opens his eyes again, they’re completely white with power, and the look on his face is unlike anything Wilbur has ever seen before. For a moment, it almost sends him to his knees.

For a moment, he’s almost scared of Dream.

And then Dream begins to build, as per Wilbur’s guidance. The build is simple: just a four by four cube, not even big enough to live in, but it’s the materials Dream has access to now that Wilbur is interested in. Diamond blocks, obsidian, netherite, an infinite supply of each, Dream harnessing them from deep within the earth and pulling them into his inventory effortlessly. Wilbur can only watch, enthralled, as Dream displays the true level of his power: it’s only halfway through the build that he processes Dream is also floating a few inches from the ground.

Oh, Wilbur muses, a slow smile curling over his lips, how interesting this suddenly is.

Because Dream is staggering to a stop, dropping to his knees on the ground and steadying himself, breathing ragged and painful. Because the diamond blocks in his hands are carefully stored away again, redistributed into the server. Because Dream thinks he’s done, but Wilbur is just getting started.

Crouching, Wilbur kneels down beside his ally, cupping his face in his hands and forcing him to look at him. Dream’s face is ashen, his eyes back to their usual dull green, but he’s giggling. Is he even aware of the sound? He doubts it.

“Can you make yourself full netherite armour?” Wilbur phrases it as a request, and is rewarded when Dream winces in concentration, netherite appearing in his hands before it moulds into a helmet. It’s enough to make Wilbur grin. “Good, good, keep going, you’re doing really well.”

And Dream does. Despite how much this looks like it’s draining him, despite how slowly the process is going, he manages to produce a set of full netherite armour, and also a netherite pickaxe on Wilbur’s request he cringes back from. He’s reaching his limit, now: his eyes are unfocused, power sluggish, and Wilbur is done for now, anyway.

That is, until Dream lashes out at a zombie that hits an unaware Wilbur once and kills it without touching it.

Wilbur stares at the place where the zombie had been, eyes widening in stunned disbelief. Dream’s power could be limitless with the right training: Dream’s power could be his to manipulate with the right training. And it’s not heroic, it’s not even nice, but he’s long since passed the need to play both of those.

“You saved me,” he flatters, holding an exhausted Dream upright, “you really are god, Dream. Complete power over life and death and the world itself... I mean, that is god power, isn’t it?”

Dream’s smile is hysterical, like he still can’t comprehend, like something in his mind has shattered at the revelation. “I’m god,” he mumbles in reply, “I can— I can do anything, Wil. I can— I can control the server again with this power. I can get revenge and then fix everything.”

He laughs numbly.

“I can control the server. I can make them all good again.”

“You can,” Wilbur agrees, smile turning to a grin when Dream pitches forward into his expectant arms, “and I’ll be right there to help you. We can start training. Getting you ready for the... confrontation.”

He’s not sure Dream is listening to him anymore, not sure if he even had been to begin with. Dream is quiet in his arms, is always quiet when it comes to affectionate touch, and, as his breathing evens out, Wilbur wonders just how far he’ll be able to push Dream and his powers before he burns up and dies.

Because here’s the thing: gods are exhaustive. Their power and reach and presence is exhaustive, their immortality is exhaustive — he’s met enough gods in the Void to know that. Dream’s power comes from teleporting items already in the world into his inventory. But his world doesn’t replenish: there is a limit to how much it has of everything. And Wilbur is certain that, should he push Dream to the point of no return and coax him to drain his world dry, then the server would wither up and die.

It’s a pretty image. Wilbur admires it in his mind for a moment. The world, attune to such thoughts of its citizens, dead or alive or somewhere in between, cries out to its owner, its little god who sleeps in the arms of his destroyer.

Wake up, godling, the universe whispers to him, open your eyes and see the truth.

“Sweet dreams, Dream,” Wilbur tells him as Dream’s breathing grows more relaxed, “we’re going to do great things together.”

[ricaffeine]

You’re Much More Handsome

Summary: He shuts his eyes and tries to think about other things—anything other than her head near his dick. A filthy continuation of the scene in Episode Eight where Munyeong lays on Kangtae’s lap.

a/n: (picture credits to the owner) i had a wild imagination with this scene when i first saw it so i hope i served it justice 😏😈 i personally love flustered KT he's adorable hehe. i'm still an amateur in writing smut so let me know what you think! which part is ur favorite??? i’d love to hear ur thoughts! 💗🔥

Her sweltering breath tickles the nape of his neck, like a cackling fire against his skin. Kangtae drowns in the delicious shiver, goosebumps stretch across his body—in a sense that pulls him into sweet bliss. His body tingles from the sensation, aching for it to last. 

A gush of air is then blown into his ear, like a loud alarm blaring his senses, in contrast to the previous warm stir, as if telling him the privilege has ended. He almost jumps in his seat, stuttering with his words.

“A-ah, w-what are you doing?!” He frantically hisses, brushing her away and to his surprise she concedes, crawling back to her approaching pose. She’s staring at him with eagle eyes, hands planted on the red plush cushion, her back is excessively arched as she tormentingly poses her enticing chest. The sight itself makes him want to groan out loud.

Stop it, Kangtae

Munyeong smirks at his predictable reflex—like a frightened cat scrambling for sanity. 

“Your face is red.”

In an instant he flusters at her remark, his wobbly hands almost lose hold of the ragged doll but he catches it with his inhuman speed—almost pricking his finger with the sharp needle. He exasperatedly counters. “What? I’m not—”

Before he can even finish his defence, Munyeong promptly drops onto his lap and instantaneously his mind short circuits. Her head comfortably lays on his groin, and Kangtae feels like all his blood has rushed down south. 

“I’m sleepy.” He hears her say, and air catches in his throat. What does she mean?

He sputters out an automatic response, driving his focus to the wrecked doll. “Go upstairs and sleep.”

Munyeong mumbles, shifting her weight backward to his burgeoning region and he chokes back a moan. Her hand trails up onto his clothed leg, fingernails scratching slightly on the green fabric, hindering his breath once more. “I don’t want to. You’re here.”

You’re here. The words warm his chest and unforgivingly, his lower region as his mind dives into a lucid imagination.

Her soft lips, wet tongue, warm silken skin. 

It’s a hard slap on his thigh that snaps him out of his trance and Kangtae springs like a deer caught in headlights.

“Relax, won’t you?”

Munyeong grumbles as she snuggles into a comfier position. He plans to protest, but knowing that his futile attempt would get him nowhere with her wayward behavior, he surrenders, trying to loosen up the tense muscle as she demanded. Though it refuses to as their intimacy terrifies him. 

Letting out heavy breath, he sets Mangtae aside on the couch arm, planning to fix it later once she’s asleep and he leans on his back. He shuts his eyes and tries to think about other things—anything other than her head near his dick.

Tomorrow’s breakfast, Sangtae’s art supplies that he needs to buy, and the grocery list.

Soon enough exhaustion anchors his body, pulling at his limbs and Kangtae hangs his head back, welcoming it.

Munyeong smiles to herself as she rests on his lap, taking a mental note of the thickness of his thighs, planning to put them to good use one day. His outbreak this afternoon has proven his desire clearer than ever and the reminisce of his jealousy pleases her more than it should. She had gotten a call from Sangin late afternoon, a short while after he angrily stomped away, asking her what on earth she had done to make the composed man lash out at him.

He’s just jealous, she laughed enthusiastically before ending their call despite the wails from the other line. Little did he know he jealousy was riled up over something that was not even alive.

Carefully, she pushes herself off his lap and crawls up his sturdy chest, surprised as she’s met by his unconscious state. Silence fills the study room and Munyeong admires his handsome face. Granted asleep, his features strain tense, brows furrowing and his lips sealed tight—as if he’s scared she’s going to swallow him whole. 

She might as well do it.

Leisurely, she grasps his shoulder for support, hoisting up a little and she presses a firm kiss onto the column of his neck. It’s soft and teasing, and a sly smile curves onto her pink lips as she watches him shudder beneath her. Enjoying his subconscious reaction, Munyeong leans in to trail more on the warm expanse, the fragrance of his soap whiffing into her nose. 

She hums in amusement, warm lips dragging along his velvety skin. In between the state of slumber and awareness, Kangtae tiredly stirs, relishing the tingling sensation before he’s jerked back to reality as he feels something lick behind his ear, sparing hot fire across his body. His eyes snap open, the image of her repletes his sight.

“Munyeong.” Bewildered, he grips both of her shoulders, heat searing through his awakened body and he stares unbelievably at her. 

His growl is enough to catch her focus and she looks up at him, bewitching face painted with deceit innocence.

“I mean,” Munyeong rasped, tracing a finger along his sharp jawline. “You seemed so tense earlier, I thought I'd ease you up.”

Kangtae lets out a quivering breath, puzzled at her sly excuse. By trying to kill him? 

“Also, your dick was sticking into my head," she adds shamelessly and he blushes into a deep shade of red. 

“I-I think I should g-go.” Utterly embarrassed by his arousal, Kangtae attempts to stand up, wobbly legs ready to run back to his room but she pushes him back down, tumbling on top of him. Her warmth radiates around him and he feels like he’s suffocating in sweet disaster, his body lusting for more but his every cell of his brain tells him it’s wrong.

Before he can say anything, Munyeong steals his lips into a fierce kiss and Kangtae feels like he might just stop breathing. 

She doesn’t spare him at all, soft lips persistently moving against his, licking the seams as she demands for his tongue. He protests to cave in, terrified that he’d become more lost in his lust, obliged to push her away but his mind blanks white as soon as her hand slides down to palm his stiff cock—a loud groan falls apart from him and she uses the advantage to dive into his open mouth. 

Her wet tongue licks into his mouth, leaving no corner untouched and Kangtae groans shamefully, completely lost in the new sensation as her hand works on his erection. After a few moments, he feels her pull away and Kangtae, who doesn't remember shutting his eyes, opens them, and sees her angling for his neck. Sucking on a spot that makes his limbs go weak and Munyeong takes another mental note, nipping and grazing until she's pleased with the blushing mark.

“Let me.” Lacing her fingers with the waistband of his pants, she gives him a look, falling down to her knees. Telling him she wasn’t going to stop there and he doesn’t protest when she tugs both of the clothing halfway down. A small gasp leaves her lips as her eyes prey on his rock hard cock—as if it was the best thing she has seen in her life. 

Slowly, she wraps her small hand around his thick shaft, it twitches in her grasp, pulling out a weak moan from him and Munyeong flashes him a smirk.

“See? You're much more handsome.”

He fumes into a deep blush, shy but glinted with pride, tearing away from their stare. In a painfully slow move, her thumb massages at his head, smearing the juices that are already leaking from the angry tip and his answering groan encourages her.

“Do you want me to stop?” With blurry vision he looks down at her. She’s kneeling in front of him, her tempting mouth perfectly aligned with his pulsing cock and she meets him with a sly gaze. 

Kangtae feels like he might pass out. The world around him seemed to be spinning from her whirlwind of seduction and he could scarcely choke out a word, barely managed to shake his head no.

She’s only teasing him—a playful trial to his self control before she eagerly takes his rock hard tip into her plush lips, sucking lightly and his taste bursts onto her tongue. Kangtae seals his eyes shut, her sensual touch hindering his breathing pace as his hips involuntary buck into her face, surprising her. 

Munyeong hums at his wild reaction before she takes all of him into her warm mouth, going as far as she can take as her tongue flattens against the underside of his veiny shaft.

Kangtae shudders in pleasure, shoving his dick into her mouth like his whole body is on fire. She lets him for a moment before releasing his dick, spit dripping down her chin and she wipes it away. As much as she’s loving his wild reflex, she wants to do it herself.

"Stay still for me, mhm?"

He looks at her with hooded eyes, barely getting out an answer and he feels her soft hand reach for his. His heart swells at the gesture, fingers locked with hers and Kangtae lets her take the lead.

Her determination unveils as she takes him back in her pretty mouth. Alternating between sucking and licking, curling her tongue and her hand strokes the part that can’t fit her mouth. Her eyes never leave him, captivated by the sight—he's collapsed back, body writhing under her hold as he refrains his hips from moving. Incoherent profanities spill from his tight lips. 

"Fuck Munyeong!"

His loud groans sound into the spacious room as she curls her tongue, unable to control himself as Kangtae sloppily jerks into her wet mouth and arousal seeps through her panties. He had really lost control. Munyeong opens wider, aroused by the beastly side of him and she encourages him to use her, softly moaning to herself.

"Fuck fuck I'm-"

His orgasm ripples through him like an earthquake, unexpected and violent as he spasms in his seat. Kangtae dozes off to a sweet ecstasy, pretty moans spilling from his lips, his hand clutching onto hers like his life depends on it. Munyeong emboldens him with a promising grip, hot fluid spurting into her mouth and her lips milk every last drop.

Getting off her knees, she climbs back on to his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. A coy smile plays on her glistening lips as she gazes at his scorching face.

“Did you like it?”

Kangtae gapes at her, pupils blown out as he breathes hard from her endearment. All he can do is muster a shy nod and her smile grows wider, meeting him in a deep kiss.

His strong arms circle around her small waist, pulling her closer and her weight crashes onto his lap, long legs gripping his sides as she grinds her heat onto his bare cock. Her arousal almost drips through the thin material of her panties, rocking her hips into his as she moans into his mouth. the sound tattooed in his memory.

This time he doesn't refrain himself, greedily lapping at her mouth, lingering with the taste of his own release and if possible Kangtae blushes more furiously. No one has ever done that for him, and although the power was in her hands, she had held him with tenderness more than he could ever imagine.

He drowns himself in her paradise, licking relentlessly at her cavern until their exerted lungs burn for air. 

Munyeong pulls back, inhaling sharply and he can see adrenaline gushing behind her eyes. Her hips don't stay still, rubbing the head of his cock against her pulsating clit.

“I want you. All of you.” She whispers, lust dripped in her words and there’s a pause of sentiment. She stalls, dreading for his response. 

“Can you give it to me?”

His breath is caught in his throat as he stares at her, distracted in the delicious touch of their bodies and he chokes out a pleading answer.

“Yes.”

Sighing, Munyeong lifts herself up, scrunching the lower fabric of her dress around her waist, discarding her panties. His jaws are slack as he watches her lower herself, brushing her damp folds with the head of his cock.

Without a warning she takes his breath away, sinking onto his hard cock as her tight walls desperately cling around him. Munyeong moans in relief. She had been longing for this, for weeks she had solely relied on her own fingers to sate her hungry desire, exclusively sparked by him, and their reality reminds her that her dreams could never compare to this.

Kangtae grips at her hips, doing everything he can from thrusting into her like a mad man but he feels like it’s getting more difficult by the second. 

They rock languidly into each other,hips rolling in a luscious rhythm that sends both of them into a spiral of bliss. Munyeong whimpers helplessly, rolling and grinding onto his cock. He fills her perfectly, greater than any man has ever had. His hands are everywhere, her breasts, hips, and neck, begging for more. 

Munyeong places her hands onto his broad chest, beginning to ride him, tight walls clenching around air before she slams back down to him, hissing at the unbelievable pleasure. Their moans resound into the room, filled with the sound of their skin smacking and Kangtae’s eyes are strained at the obscene view. His cock disappearing into her hot pussy before reappearing once more in the filthiest rhythm. 

She whines his name, spewing curses into his ear and his hips instinctively smack up to meet hers. 

For a split second, his mind revisits the man from today’s afternoon, enraged at that bastard’s audacity to even touch her and Kangtae holds her even tighter in his arms, closing the gap between their chests and he can feel her taut nipples peek through the cotton of their clothes. Munyeong falls weak in his embrace, threading her hands in his dark locks of hair, shifting her weight back and his thrust bumps into a strange spot. Her body tingles in the new sensation.

“Oh my— Kangtae!”

She cries in pleasure, nails clawing into his back as she buries her head into his neck, panting. Kangtae notes her strange surprise and begins to ram repeatedly at the same spot. Her screams are drowned by his hungry lips, toes vitally curling and she trembles from the attention on the newly discovered spot.

“More more more!”

His thumb brushes past her wet folds, eventually finding her clit and he rubs fervidly, mimicking what he has seen on the internet. His lips find its way to her elegant neck, sucking until it leaves a prominent bruise. Munyeong trembles above him, body scorching from the feverous pleasure and she shatters completely. 

His name cries on her lips like a prayer, her walls squeezing tight around him and he breaks apart shortly. Thick searing streams of cum shooting into her and he grunts her name in the sweetest song.

Breathlessly, she mewls next to his ear, her chin resting on his broad shoulder. After a moment when their breaths falter back to normal, she pulls out of him with slack limbs, missing for his warmth. 

Settling herself on his thighs, Munyeong gazes at him with a devilish grin. 

“I pulled your safety pin.” 

The room stills with quietness and she cups his tender face in her hand, eyes glimmering with triumph as she playfully asks. “Do I get a certificate?”

Resulting to her words, his parched mouth falls open, not knowing what to say and Kangtae stares at her. 

He really had removed his pin. 

Munyeong watches as thoughts scatter behind his dark orbs, splashing colors and pulling him into reality before he emits with laughter. She feels his hand slowly creep up her back, tugging at the zip of her fragile dress and his strong arms draw her back onto him. Their chests collide and he brings a finger to graze her puffy lips.

“You got me. Why would you care about that?”

[eunsangrk]

SUPERSTAR KT AUDITION :: HUANG RENJUN

[ script ]

     the contents of the email don’t surprise renjun in the least. he expected this much from the audition, but a welcome revelation was that at least they weren’t going to be judging him off his actual skill at rhythm games (he has to admit he’s rather terrible at them). even though it meant he had been wasting his time practicing on random games on his phone, at least it’s one less thing to worry about for when the time comes.

     as much as he’s excited for this opportunity, he’s also painfully aware of his inexperience in modelling. he had only applied off the back of the event being hosted by kt, but when it comes down to it, he’s really just a normal person. it’s not like they’re going to ask him to sing for the audition (or at least, he’s pretty sure they aren’t), and they aren’t about to ask him about his dreams of joining the company and whatnot. this was only for a commercial, after all. renjun has to remind himself he’s not attending a trainee audition here.

     still, there’s a small hope inside of him that maybe there’s chances in this world he can’t see, ones that reward hard work and integrity. god knows he has enough of both to make up for his incompetence.

     friday morning comes too soon but the early hours aren’t unfamiliar to him. a quick scan of the other participants instills a small confidence in him as they move up the hallways blearily. at least he looked awake and ready, or well, as ready as he can be. his heart is still thumping in his chest as he passes identification over to the receptionist, but thankfully, he passes without issue.

    now he’s faced with a corridor populated by approximately seven other drowsy participants. they were waiting in line, it seems, and renjun joins their ranks swiftly—not that he’s sure why he’s rushing to get it done with, but maybe it’s just nerves.

    one by one, the people in front of him are called into the room, and more people join their ranks soon after. it’s about 8:20am now and the corridor is fuller than before. renjun considers himself lucky that it’s just about his turn now, but then the realization sinks in faster than he processes his name being called.

    huang renjun.

    he stiffens his back as he responds to the call with a raised hand, pushing off from his spot in the corridor to finally enter the room. it’s small and empty, obviously only set up for the audition, but renjun is more intimidated by the people sitting across from him. thank god he’s good at hiding his nervousness, he thinks to himself as he bows politely before taking his place in front of them. the process is explained to him and he nods along, analyzing each and every step to make sure he doesn’t fumble halfway. he’s practiced enough to be confident here—it’d be a waste if he messed up now.

    they ask for his status and he answers with a polite smile, “i’m ready.”

    click.

    “hello, my name is huang renjun,” he introduces simply before taking a breath to stabilize himself. it’s really just a few short lines he has to say, but the delivery is key here. he only gets one try, no do-overs, so he does it the only way he knows how.

    by trying his very best.

    “just buying a ton of pepero for your boyfriend and none for me, that’s not fair,“ the first lines comes out smoothly, thank god, and renjun ends it off with a small smile. he’s practiced these particular lines so much it’s all but gotten rid of his accent. doesn’t stop him from having to physically force his toes to uncurl, though.

    though, it’s not this part he’s worried about, but the next one where he’s just assumed they’d have props for him to use. how are they expecting him to promote an item without actually having anything on hand?

    still, he tries his best and mimes the action out with his bare hands, expressions and energy wavering at the awkward motion. “show me our relationship with pepero!”

    that’s one more done and one left to go. it’s all moving rather slowly in his mind, but it’s only been a few seconds since the start of the recording. it won’t last much longer anyway. “because november 11th is on saturday, please prepare to share your feelings ahead of time.”

    “for friends who live far away, order it online!” and he finishes it off cleanly, though his hands still held air in terms of props. hopefully he had managed to sell the illusion since maybe this was part of their plan, but he still can’t shake off that feeling of disappointment in his mind. he could’ve done better—that’s just a fact at this point.

    “thank you,” he bows again, almost out of habit at this point. no point in wallowing in self-pity right now when he still has good impressions to make.

[incorrectsibunaquotes]

KT & The Beard — Part II

Dinner was...awkward.

Patricia had been on board with the whole thing, and Eddie was always happy to help a friend, so it wasn’t that, at least. Still, there was this awkward tension in the air as KT and Eddie sat beside each other at the table while KT’s parents sat opposite them.

Eddie had mentioned to KT in the cab before they’d met up with her parents that he’d been on a date with Patricia here to help his dad get to know her better. He had bitten his lip to keep from laughing at the memory, and had said no more about it. KT wondered through her nerves how that would have gone down.

Oh! Maybe that was it. Eddie was pretending to be dating her and meeting her parents while sitting in the same restaurant that he had taken his real girlfriend to meet his dad.

Christ, what a mess.

The awkward silence was broken by KT’s father.

“So, Mr. Miller,” he began, “KT said you both live in the same house?”

Eddie put on a practiced smile and nodded. “Yes. We both live in Anubis House. But, uh, don’t worry, sir,” he continued with a cheeky smile, leaning across the table as if he were going to share a secret, “there are seven other kids that live there, too, so we’re never caught alone, if you know what I mean.”

Both of her parents blinked in astonishment, and KT didn’t think twice before stomping on Eddie’s foot. Hard.

She’d been hanging around Patricia too much, so it seemed.

Eddie gave a small yelp and winced as he sat back down in his seat, KT’s parents looking even more confused. It was all KT could do not to cover her face with her hands. The drinks hadn’t even come out and already this night was a disaster.

I should have asked Fabian instead, KT mused miserably.

After the first blunder, Eddie was on his best behavior. He remained polite, though KT could see the pain in his eyes every time he allowed a moment to throw in a clever quip slip by, and every time he did, KT grew a little more grateful.

The dinner was going well, both of them giving their practiced answers to Mr. and Mrs. Rush’s questions. They were all a carefully mediated blend of fact and fiction.

“How did you two meet?”

“Oh, we quite literally bumped into each other.” Truth.

“When did you two start dating?”

“After about a month of being the only two Americans in the house, it was practically inevitable.” Lie.

And so it continued, and KT slowly but surely began to relax. Everything was going absolutely fine—no need to panic.

Then, it happened.

Mrs. Rush daintily dabbed the corner of her mouth with her napkin, after taking a bite of her risotto. Then she looked up at KT, her brown eyes narrowed. “KT, dear, I truly am surprised,” she said after a moment. “I didn’t know you were bisexual.”

KT, who had been taking a sip of her iced tea promptly began to choke, and Eddie thumped her hard on the back. When she could finally breathe again, KT‘s gaze frantically darted between her parents.

“What?” she rasped painfully, hands trembling with sudden nerves.

KT’s father gave a scolding look to his wife, who merely shrugged, and continued. “It just surprised us, that’s all. When you said you were bringing someone for us to meet, we really didn’t expect you to bring testosterone.”

Mr. Rush sighed, taking in KT’s and Eddie’s horrified open-mouthed expressions. “What my wife is trying to say is, we support you no matter what, KT...even if it was surprising to us that you like boys after all.”

KT briefly wondered if she hadn’t saved the world after all, and this was some sort of weird limbo aftermath. Judging by the look on Eddie’s face, he was wondering the same thing.

KT opened her mouth to say something—anything, really—but all that came out was a weird breathy noise. Eddie clapped her on the back one more time, and she managed to choke out: “You know?”

Both of her parents gave each other looks, before turning back to face the fake couple. “Of course we know, sweetie; we’re your parents,” said her mother.

KT shot a quick glance at Eddie who looked right back at her. “And you’re not...mad? Disgusted?”

Mr. Rush looked taken aback. “No!” he exclaimed, reaching across the table for KT’s hand. “Of course not; you are our only daughter, and we are so proud of you—no matter who you love.” Mrs. Rush nodded her agreement.

At this, KT felt surge of confidence overtake her, and riding the adrenaline of that, she pulled her hand away from her father’s and loudly announced:

“In that case, Eddie is not my boyfriend, and I am a raging homosexual!”

KT’s parents blinked at her in surprise, then smiled. Eddie was so red, KT thought he might explode. And he did. He started laughing so hard, he attracted looks from nearby tables, and nearly fell out of his seat.

“The best—“ he wheezed out, “The best part about this is—is that this is only the second most bizarre date I’ve ever been on at this place.”

KT resolved to ask him more about that other date next time.

[disparais]

fear cuts deeper than swords

was quite upset by kt scheduling 2 consecutive bad days but i know it’s not reasonable so i really tried to hide it

that said there are some thoughts bouncing around i think i should get out on paper so that i can move on in life. here they are, in true isa ramble style:

people have been telling me recently that i’m scary. kt thinks my long-ish list of “ex-close” friends is scary. h thinks my public self is scary. ly thinks my ability to cut people off (and secondarily, to detach myself from situations and be coldly rational/objective) is scary.

in a moment of spite i told myself i didn’t care, but- i do. it carved a hole in my chest but instead of emptiness i felt a sharp, hollow pain. and i’m really not sure how badly she’s affected by the thought of 2 bad days. wednesday, thursday. i guess we have the daytime in friday, then we split for the weekend. what was our previous equilibrium, and how did we survive on that?

at the same time, i have a painfully acute awareness that i’ll be shelved while she’s on exchange. of course she’ll care - it’s not like i don’t know she loves me, but we just have different intensities and ways of missing each other and such.

i’m not sure how the ramble managed to go from bad days to canada, but i’ll just terminate it here since i feel slightly better about it after a good nights’ rest (even if i am sick now.)

i still remember the point i was trying to make in my ramble: that all these things are in my head, that she loves me, and that our love is so perfect and worth holding on to. i need to remember not to fall into the trap of slowly cutting myself off or beginning to hold back, just because i’m insecure.

(steel yourself.

this is something so good and so precious that it’s not worth throwing away or losing just because you’re insecure about being the only one. fight yourself. fight the instinct to pull away, as you did last night, to lick your wounds. fight the instinct to retaliate, even if in the name of self-defense.

you have never felt this understood, accepted and loved in your entire life. you’ve never loved someone else this fiercely or unconditionally in your entire life. this is not something that you find every year, every decade, ever. this is like no other. always remember. 80%, 20%. hold on to what matters.)