#like it was found at stage 4. it metastasized we Thought two places that were pretty serious. turned out it was way more

[arundolyn]

found the cigarettes i had to steal from mom the day she got discharged to stop her from trying to smoke them while she wasnt looking for like a single second. looking back its actually kinda crazy that any of us ever like. had. any hope that things were ever gonna start looking up, ngl

[thelordice]

Hi, I’m Going Mad

I have to talk about this.

This is going to be long. I’m going to ramble. Rant. Possibly even have a miniature breakdown before your very eyes as I set to words the thoughts that have hounded me for the last hour or more. Naturally, if you’re prone to being triggered by major depression, self-harm, cancer, and the like, you may want to steer clear.

Because this is me.

I desperately want to try to make someone understand who... understand what I am. It’s a long-accepted fact that I’m not human - we’ll get into the logic of that later. But I need to know what I am... to figure out what I’m missing.

My young life... I mean, it wasn’t great, but it could’ve been worse. I never got kidnapped or molested, only broke one bone - a leg over summer break being a stupid kid. But it was lonely. I was raised in a trailer park full of older folk. Occasionally they’d have grandchildren my age over and I’d be able to socialize. But that wasn’t often, and I wasn’t well liked in school. Not that it mattered, because friendships outside school were impossible - both my parents worked and alternated watching me, so I could never go anywhere. My dad was 43 when I was born, and my ‘Mom’ was an Italian alcoholic that got custody of me through a screwy situation the likes of which you’d only ever hear in Florida - she had no biological relation to me. She was my godmother by sole virtue of being my alcoholic mother’s favorite drinking buddy. I had a friend... then he moved away. And then a year later he died from an infected cut at the ripe old age of 8.

But for the most part... I had my Bionicles, I had my imagination, I had basic cable. It was okay. Mom busted her ass to keep food on the table. Never really realized how until she finally called it quits at 61. She had been getting sick for a while, but always put me first. Always refused to go to the doctor. And then she went. By then it was far too late. Stage 4 lung cancer, it had already metastasized to her brain. The X-Ray of her lungs looked like Swiss cheese. Sure, she smoked a pack a day for almost 50 years, this was bound to happen. But that didn’t make it any easier as I watched a combination of radiation therapy and chemo literally melt the woman that raised me before my very eyes. She died a month to the day after the diagnosis. When she went to the hospital, she was... not great, but she could walk. She could keep her chin up. When she died... she was hairless, so frail, and so pale... hadn’t risen from a bed in two weeks, hadn’t spoken intelligibly in a week and a half... dad pulled me out of school early one day to go see her. I guess he must’ve known. Maybe the VNA called him. I don’t know. But it was Friday, April 25, 2008. I was 14, in eighth grade. We went in, sat with her for a while. She woke up a few times, looked around... and she tried to speak. “I am not,” she said. Trying to say “I am not home.” Because she wanted to die at home. But we couldn’t take care of her, with everything going wrong. So she didn’t even have that in the end. We stayed a while longer, then my dad asked if I was ready to go, and I said yeah. We drove to the place a friend of Mom’s lived, dad told me we were staying the weekend. Unusual, we never did this. And when we got in the house...

The VNA had called her not long after we left. Fifteen minutes... she died fifteen minutes after we left. And it still hurts - the thought that I should have somehow known to stay longer, to at least not let her die alone, far from home...

Thank God I’m typing this.

Not long after that, the trailer park went under because the landlord was a cheap bastard, and we moved to the other side of town. I started high school... trends held. I had a few acquaintances, maybe even something approximating a friend or two. But I was bullied a lot, not well liked, you know how it goes. Of course, it usually doesn’t go to the point that you have a kid a grade higher than you tell you right before graduation that the only reason he started pretending to be my friend was because he thought I’d go Columbine and didn’t want to die. Senior year, I ponied up the pretty penny for a yearbook, and when it came in I set myself a task. I’d get the same few jibes yelled at me every day, from every direction, almost any time I was in the halls. So I put names to the faces, listed them all, just out of curiosity, to see how many. There were 126 that did it at least once a week - of all grades. My school had a population that year of 1,996. That’s 6.3% of the entire school population. Most kids with bully problems just have a few really nasty ones. I had dozens.

So I learned to push other people away. Because I knew I was a target, and I knew why. Because I always believed them when they said they wanted to be my friend, right up until the punchline came in. I was too gullible, too trusting. I cut myself off from everyone, walled myself off from emotion and human interaction as much as I could. I retained a circle of people I thought were friends - each wound up betraying me in the end, of course. But as I’d been building up all those nice safe walls... I had failed to know myself or my enemy, and I have lost the battle now.

Because I am an inherently loving person. I grow fond very quickly. I trust very easily. I care very deeply. And only very recently have I even started to form bonds that aren’t merely based on my being useful, or momentarily amusing. I hope.

But I’m so god damned scared. I know I’m not human. Humans are a communal species, if I were a member of them it wouldn’t have taken me 27 years to find a genuine friend... much less have been so thoroughly rejected in the one way that most hurts. Because I’m a very affectionate person. I want to love... and be loved.

I know, it sounds absurd. Stupid, silly, childish. But I’ve seen it - two of my current adoptive family have it (my brother who literally saved my life - mote on that later- and his wife), and I helped two of my friends in college meet each other - far as I’m aware they’re still together some seven years on. And... it’s what I want. It’s what I need. It’s what makes me ache when I see it, what makes me cry when I imagine myself having it because it seems so impossible. I can’t even get a human to like me, and now I expect to be genuinely loved? What fucking hubris...

But, I was naive, and gullible. I found someone I thought cared. That I thought did love me. And that led to the Four Years War. My first relationship... nearly ended with my death. My now-brother literally saved me from a death as a homeless penniless bum 700 miles from everything I’ve ever known. And now, because of that, because of the gaslighting I went through... my ex always used to throw up that I don’t know what love is. I’ve never had a real relationship, I don’t know what it’s like. What it feels like. And I thought I did. Now I’m so fucking scared that she was right. I’ve barely ever even had friends, how the fuck do I know what love feels like? And now, how can I trust what I thought was love? I’m so terrified to try and get the thing I need most because it could turn out just as bad or worse. And what if I’m just too damaged by all this shit to be loved now? What if I’m too crazy, too mentally broken for anyone to ever tolerate me? What if everything I feel is a lie? God damn it I’m praying for true love while questioning the very reality of my existence. I’m just so scared. I just want one person. I’ve been so scared to say that out loud for a long time because I don’t want bullshit pity dates that wind up hurting both parties. But there it is: I want to love. I want to be loved.

But I don’t know if that’s possible. If it will ever be possible. If I’m too far gone... or was never even close to start.

[datingadviceonreddit]

I know a lot of people lean both ways with going through someone’s phone: either they think it’s disrespectful or a breach of privacy and should never be done orrrr a relationship is transparency and what’s the big deal if they’re not hiding anything? There’s also the, ���if there was a breach of trust then it should be an exception.” And right now I’m with the last one.I’ll try to keep this as short as possible. I’ll start out by saying before what happened I NEVER not once went through my boyfriend’s phone. Never had the desire to. I fully trusted him off the bat which is saying something as I’m usually cautious and wait to see if someone can be trusted before getting too close. But the sparks flew and we were consumed in eachother. Fast forward in this fairytale to about a year later. This past November I was over at his mom’s to meet her and some of his other family passing through town. The kids were playing keep away with our phones and I ended up with his, him with mine. After pictures I went to use the restroom and his phone was in the waistband of my leggings. I sat it on the counter and couldn’t help but notice an inappropriate message from a girl opened up. Honest to god I did not deliberately snoop. It had been actively calling my phone for 5 minutes when I sat it down so I hung it up and that was there. For the first time I went through his phone given that message. I found more, and more. He had been texting multiple girls through to March. May it be flirting or talking about hooking up although it didn’t happen he says and according to the messages. While he was telling me he loves me and how unreal this was, while he was my support through nursing school and celebrating Valentine’s Day with me, and what I thought was us having the time of our lives...this was going on. There were also a couple emails to exes just checking in on them. When questioned he said things ended badly and he wanted to make peace. Questionable but okay. He also continued to message these girls but he knocked off the talking about cheating on me (thanks) in March. Although a few of the messages were him sending pictures of himself to them and them sending heart eye emojis in response. Which to me is flirting. He says he was sharing his modeling pics bc he was sharing them with others in the modeling/acting world. Okay, whatever. He also got a message from this supposed married woman about two weeks before I found all this saying, “I’m not going to lie, I still care about you” and “I still think about you and still care about you”. Thissss he states was innocent, she’s married, and they both helped each other after their bad break ups a few years back and nothing ever happened. I’m looking pretty stupid right about now right? I do believe his feelings for me were/are true. I do believe he loves me and he truly had treated me amazing the whole time. His reasoning was that he was scared I wouldn’t stick around or I’d get sick of him. Typical rejection/commitment issues. The fact he stopped the highly inappropriate stuff without me knowing says something at least. When I found this out I got sick to my stomach and didn’t feel good. I come out of the bathroom and his uncle and mother ask me what’s wrong about ten times after I ask him multiple times if we can go so we can handle the situation. I finally spit out still in shock, “he cheated on me.” and at that time I thought he went through with his wonderful flirting and plans to cheat. Although infidelity isn’t just screwing someone else. It’s betrayal and lies and doesn’t fly in a monogamous relationship. Anyways, right after I mutter that out his mom asks him if he did it. He says no. She then gets in my face screaming at me telling me that my cancer is making me delusional, she looks at him briefly and tells him he needs to reconsider things with me (hmm. I’m the one that was betrayed but mmk.)and just that her son wouldn’t do that. And when I say screaming in my face I mean it’s like how someone gets into someone’s face to fight someone and SCREAMING. She literally spit on me while she was screaming. That’s how bad it was and how close she was. Before this his family loved me and thought the world of me and somehow in all this I turned into the bad guy and I later got an extremely hateful and hurtful message from his uncle. Oh, and to a comment above: I have stage 4 breast cancer, metastasized to the bones at the ripe age of 29. The diagnosis was fresh by a couple months and I definitely didn’t need all this stress and bs. That’s been another problem with us: his mother. He did tell her to stop eventually and she did but beyond that he just practically went on with his happy go lucky relationship with her. Which isn’t a healthy one but that’s another conversation. There was no, “you need to make this right with my girlfriend (who they’ve both called (me) the love of his life) before we move forward” or anything. No coming to my defense to the horrible way I was treated. Well. After that fun time I go straight into depression just out of shock that what I felt so lucky to have was filled with betrayal, I agreed to work on it if he stopped the lies, stopped the inappropriate behavior, and changed more or less. Shortly after he became angry (which seemed to be from the hurt he caused me as it hurt him to see me hurt..he was also in a dark place and knew he messed up) and I became angry from the hurt and we started fighting. He started going out instead of working on our relationship. He stated he would not go out to the bars while we built the trust back up but that didn’t last. I told him if he continued to it would be over, and he shut the door and walked out. There’s been worse times throughout this but he didn’t do any of the things that he promised and it just got worse. The trust got shattered even more if that was possible. Not just the trust to not lie or betray me...but the trust that he’d want this enough to try. The trust to not hurt me again. To feel he cares and he means he will fix it. Etc. I needed to see he loved me and cared like he said he would after what he did. Since this we’ve been very briefly on and off a few times and we just decided to have as much of a fresh start as possible and give it another chance. The whole 48 hours if that we broke up the first time he was messaging other women. The other times he put a stop to it and also didn’t go out. Well. Towards the end. But my problem is he’s always been welcome to go in my phone or use my phone, not to snoop or whatnot but if he couldn’t find his and he wanted to look something up, etc. he’s always known my passcode. He’d shut off my alarms when need be. He’d call someone for me. He was always a little weird about his phone but I knew his passcode by him voluntarily giving it to me. Now he has everything on lockdown. His computer, his phone. And he’s secretive about his passcodes. I’ve never asked them but I asked to use his phone once and instead of the typical just handing it to me he’d unlock his phone for me and check it for a second then give it to me. I don’t think he’s hiding anything and he really is trying but it just strikes me weird. And if I’m going to start over and trust him after all of this I want to feel a little more comfortable than that makes me feel. I want to know he’s not lying about anything or hiding anything in there like what I found before. And I know some may say well if you’re going to try again you need to just trust him and if he messes up that can be it...but I don’t want to feel like a fool again. As I said, I’m not one to snoop through a phone but given the circumstances I’d like to check it one time before I dive right into this. And if he didn’t have anything to hide then I don’t think it would be a problem.Should he be willing to let me see the phone and make me feel more secure as a result? Or...hopefully not..there ends up being something. Am I in the right to ask to see his phone and if so what would be the best way to where he doesn’t get defensive? As I did ask him the last time we tried to work things out but he said no. And if he says no I’m scared of him worst case deleting/hiding stuff after I ask. Sorry this was a long one, but I know people would have questions so I tried to sum it all up as much as possible. I’ve always treated him amazing. I’m a very loyal, very honest, and kind person. Not the push over kind..but if I love you, I love you fiercely. So this has all been hard to handle. I’ve realized it wasn’t a “me” problem though and a “him” problem. Things were so unbelievably amazing before all this. I say that while at the same time I did not know all of this was going on. He does seem to be truly trying now, and I’ve seen quite the changes in him as far as this stuff goes but my mind can’t help but wander into the thoughts about the things I don’t know. Like if he’s lying or hiding anything. via /r/dating_advice

[arunbeniwal-blog]

Dr. Deepa Rajkhowa | Millennium Cancer Center | What is Ovarian Cancer

Dr. Deepa Rajkhowa

Dr. Deepa Rajkhowa is a Resident Doctor in Oncology Department at Millennium Cancer Center. She finished her MBBS from Dalian Medical University, China. In the wake of passing her foreign therapeutic graduate examination. She had worked with Max Hospital, Gurgaon as JR in the inward prescription division for 1 yr incorporating into gastroenterology, nervous system science, oncology, nephrology, pulmonology office. Likewise, worked in Rajiv Gandhi Cancer Institute and the Research Center at Niti Bagh as JR (Daycare and Casualty) for 2 yrs. She is knowledgeable about different methods like Bone Marrow Biopsy and Aspiration, Lumbar Puncture, and so on. She had been included with different oncology camps all through Delhi/NCR.

Claim to fame

Gastroenterology, Neurology, Oncology, Nephrology, Pulmonology, Bone Marrow Biopsy and Aspiration, Lumbar Puncture

DEGREES

M.B.B.S, M.D

Millennium Cancer Center

Millennium is a first of its kind restorative organization for the exploration and treatment of cancer in India. We try to convey logical wonders that assistance make lives entire once more.

Sympathy is at the core of our methodology and the driving force behind the entirety of our treatments. Each bespoke treatment we devise allows everybody to live more, better and all the more completely.

OUR MISSION, VISION AND VALUES

Our Mission – To advance a learning based cancer care framework furnished with not just the most recent cancer screening and treatment tech, yet in addition a human bond established in expectation, sympathy and empathy for patients. Our patients dependably start things out

Our Vission – To instruct the two patients and families about the disease and help them in conquering all troubles related with it.

Our Values – Care, Empathy, Compassion

What is Ovarian Cancer

Cancer begins when cells in the body start to develop crazy. Cells in almost any piece of the body can move toward becoming cancer and can spread. To take in more about how cancers begin and spread, see What Is Cancer?

Ovarian cancers were beforehand accepted to start just in the ovaries, yet late proof proposes that numerous ovarian cancers may really begin in the cells in the far (distal) end of the fallopian tubes.Ovaries are conceptive organs found just in females (ladies). The ovaries deliver eggs (ova) for proliferation. The eggs travel from the ovaries through the fallopian tubes into the uterus where the treated egg settles in and forms into a hatchling. The ovaries are likewise the fundamental wellspring of the female hormones estrogen and progesterone. One ovary is on each side of the uterus.

The ovaries are for the most part comprised of 3 sorts of cells. Each sort of cell can form into an alternate kind of tumor:

Epithelial tumors begin from the cells that cover the external surface of the ovary. Most ovarian tumors are epithelial cell tumors.

Germ cell tumors begin from the cells that deliver the eggs (ova).

Stromal tumors begin from auxiliary tissue cells that hold the ovary together and deliver the female hormones estrogen and progesterone.

A portion of these tumors are benevolent (non-cancerous) and never spread past the ovary. Threatening (cancerous) or marginal (low harmful potential) ovarian tumors can spread (metastasize) to different parts of the body and can be lethal.

By and large, ovarian cancer isn't analyzed until the point when it has advanced to a propelled arrange. Truth be told, as indicated by the American Cancer Society, just around 20 percent of cases are analyzed at a beginning period. Regularly, this is on account of ovarian cancer manifestations either aren't obvious in the beginning periods of the disease or they copy basic stomach and stomach related problems that are often mistaken for minor afflictions. Ladies will probably encounter manifestations once the disease has spread past the ovaries.

Numerous individuals mistakenly trust that a Pap spread test can recognize ovarian cancer. Truth be told, there is no solid routine screening test for ovarian cancer, so ladies with a family history of the disease or other risk components should converse with their specialist about hereditary testing and different strides to screen or help decrease their risk. Routine gynecologic consideration and yearly pelvic exams are prescribed to catch up on side effects of ovarian cancer.

Types of Ovarian Cancer

Each ovarian cancer quiet is unique, and each merits a treatment plan customized to her needs and particular diagnosis. That begins with recognizing what kind of ovarian cancer you have. Albeit ovarian cancer is sorted into in excess of 30 unique types, most are distinguished in light of the name of the cell in which the cancer began. Cancerous ovarian tumors grow most ordinarily in the epithelial cells, which are the cells that make up the external layer of the ovary; the germ cells, which are the cells that form eggs; or in the stromal cells, which are the cells that create and discharge hormones.

Take in more about these regular types of ovarian cancer, and some less basic types, by investigating the tabs on the left.Although most epithelial ovarian tumors are benevolent, cancerous epithelial tumors, or epithelial ovarian carcinomas, represent 85 percent to 90 percent of ovarian cancers. They are often alluded to by their subtype: mucinous, endometrioid, clear cell and undifferentiated. They ordinarily spread to the covering and organs of the pelvis and stomach area first before spreading somewhere else, for example, to the lungs and liver. They additionally may spread to the mind, bones and skin.

Ovarian low threatening potential tumors are an ovarian epithelial subtype that happens when unusual cells form in the tissue covering the ovary. They are so named in light of the fact that the tumors have a low probability of transforming into cancer.

Yet, in uncommon examples, the irregular cells end up harmful, and when they do, these tumors have a tendency to develop gradually and influence more youthful ladies. They additionally don't commonly spread past the ovary, and they for the most part react well to treatment.

Stages of Ovarian Cancer

The phase of a cancer tells the specialist how far it has developed and in the event that it has spread. The tests and sweeps you need to analyze your cancer will give some information about the stage. This information will enable your specialist to tailor your treatment to the phase of your cancer.

Specialists utilize a straightforward 1 to 4 organizing framework for ovarian cancer. It is known as the FIGO framework after its creators - the International Federation of Gynecological Oncologists.

The review of a cancer discloses to you how much the cancer cells look like ordinary cells. It gives your specialist a thought of how the cancer may carry on.

There are 3 grades:

review 1 or very much separated

review 2 or tolerably separated

review 3 or ineffectively separated (or undifferentiated)

As an ordinary cell develops and develops, it ends up specific for its job and place in the body. This is called separation. Cancer cells can look extremely like ordinary cells and are depicted too separated or second rate. These cancers will probably develop gradually.

In the event that the cancer cells look immature and not at all like a typical cell, they are known as undifferentiated or high review. These cancers have a tendency to develop and spread more rapidly than second rate cancers.

Stage 1

Stage 1 ovarian cancer implies the cancer is just in the ovaries. It is isolated into 3 gatherings:

arrange 1a - the cancer is totally inside one ovary

arrange 1b - the cancer is totally inside the two ovaries

arrange 1c - and in addition cancer in one or the two ovaries, there is some cancer on the surface of an ovary, there are cancer cells in liquid taken from inside your guts amid medical procedure, or the ovary cracks (blasts) before or amid medical procedure

Stage 2

Stage 2 ovarian cancer implies the cancer has become outside the ovary or ovaries, and is developing inside the territory hovered by your hip bones (the pelvis). There may likewise be cancer cells in the belly.

It is isolated into 3 gatherings:

2a - the cancer has developed into the fallopian tubes or the womb

2b - the cancer has developed into different tissues in the pelvis, for instance the bladder or rectum

2c - the cancer has developed into different tissues in the pelvis and there are cancer cells in liquid taken from inside your belly

Stage 3

Stage 3 ovarian cancer implies the cancer has spread outside the pelvis into the stomach pit. Your cancer is likewise arrange 3 if cancer is found in the lymph hubs in your upper belly, crotch or behind the womb.

It is isolated into three gatherings:

3a - cancer developments are found in tissue tests taken from the coating of the mid-region

3b - there are cancer developments that are 2cm or littler in size on the covering of the guts

3c - cancer developments bigger than 2cm are found on the covering of the midriff, OR cancer is found in lymph hubs in the upper belly, crotch and additionally behind the womb.

Stage 4

Stage 4 ovarian cancer implies the cancer has spread to other body organs some distance far from the ovaries, for example, the liver or lungs.

It is separated into 2 gatherings:

arrange 4a - the cancer has caused a development of liquid in the coating of the lungs (called the pleura). This is known as a pleural emission

organize 4b - the cancer has spread to within the liver or spleen, to the lymph hubs in the crotch or outside the belly or potentially to different organs, for example, the lungs.

Treatment for Ovarian Cancer

Treatment choices by kind of ovarian cancer

Epithelial

Medical procedure is the fundamental treatment for all stages of epithelial ovarian cancer. The point is to evacuate however much of the cancer as could be expected. In some cases, extra treatment is required.

Stage I ovarian cancer is generally treated with medical procedure alone. A few ladies will be offered chemotherapy after medical procedure if there is a high risk of the cancer returning.

Stages II, III and IV are generally treated with a blend of medical procedure and chemotherapy. New focused on treatment drugs are being offered to ladies with a BRCA transformation. Now and again, radiation treatment is offered.

Germ cell

This is normally treated with medical procedure or potentially chemotherapy.

Stromal cell

This is normally treated with medical procedure, now and again pursued by chemotherapy.

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[littlecroissantonfire-blog]

The Scariest Word in the World

“Cancer” and it’s not of the horoscope kind. 

So my mom was diagnosed with initially Stage 2 Breast Cancer 4 months ago and she went through radical mastectomy of her left breast to remove the cancer threat completely. She had a biopsy done on her 2 cm cancerous lump which confirmed our worst fears : it was HER2 positive. 

It doesn’t end there. The CT scan results a month later turned our hearts inside out. I have never gone through pain of this kind and I do not wish this upon even the world’s evilest person (ok maybe apart from Netanyahu). The results from the national cancer hospital reported that my mom’s seemingly innocent cancer story had metastasized to the lungs, kidneys and adrenal gland. We were incredulous and indignant with disbelief. It had been barely a month since, as a family we overcame the awful shock of having our beloved mother diagnosed with the killer disease. My mom had barely recovered, physically and emotionally from the daunting impact of losing a part of her feminine identity when we were bludgeoned with the horrible news.

Since my father is a doctor (general practitioner) and well connected to oncologists and others in the medical field, we were able to get the ‘best’ treatment for my mom in the least amount of time. So in that sense we were fortunate. The downside of my dad being a doctor is that there is a tendency for him to take one for the family, receive the nightmarish news first and bear the burden alone whilst fighting to get second and third opinions from among his specialist friends.

My dad lied to us that the results came back confirming my mom was just stage 2 and suffered alone, silently until one fateful night, he came home very late. My mom is almost prescient in her sharpness so she knew something wasn’t right. Also being insatiably curious and nosey, she rifled through my dad’s shirt pockets until she found a Post-It with the almost unintelligible words ‘ stage 4: lungs, adrenal gland, kidney’ scrawled in typical doctor’s handwriting. My mother broke down and there was a ruckus in our home.

Just the day before my dad had asked me a strange question, “Can you handle it if I told you something?”. I became wide eyed with extreme worry and anxiety so he laughed it off and lied that he was having a mid life crisis issue. When I prodded further, he made me promise him that no matter what happened, I wouldn’t put off my wedding which was to be held in July 2017. Alarm bells were ringing in my head but the stubborn man wouldn’t reveal anything and kept joking with me so I gave up.

But that night when my mom found the Post-It, everything clicked into place and I saw my life breaking into a million shards and pain like I’ve never known; and fear and worry and a horrible sense of endless doom like I’d never felt before in my entire life, threatened to drown me.

I fought hard to hold back consternation and tears because my mom was clearly upset. Still, my stubborn old man managed to reassure us that we were paranoid and he had meant to write something else.

He managed to convince my hysterical mother and finally got her to sleep. The next day I confronted him whereupon he confessed the ugly truth he’d been hiding from us for several weeks. 

The next few days and weeks all blended into each other in a cruel cacophony of terror for our family. We sought to get a second opinion from a reputable and renown radiologist from a private hospital. The report that came out after her 2nd CT scan blew our minds again. There was no cancer in my mom’s body. We were elated with joy. We felt as if the terrible chapter of our lives involving our mom: our beloved, lovely, sweet, special lady, could be closed. 

However, our joy was shortlived as the national cancer hospital called us to confirm the initial dreaded results; they even faxed my dad a copy to confirm the veracity of their findings. 

Our thoughts and emotions were in uproar. My two younger siblings quietly suffered. But the one who suffered the most was my mom. She wasn’t so much worried for herself as she was for our wellbeing. She had crippling thoughts like “If this illness takes me away, who will look after my children and my husband?”. She was paralysed with a sense of mortality and unselfish fear. We all rallied around her, hugged and cried. It ripped us apart raw and exposed our vulnerabilities in a way no other illness could aim to do. 

We rallied around her, every minute of the day. We put on a brave, strong and positive front for the bedrock of our family whilst crying silently into our pillows at night. Thankfully for us, my mom has 3 sisters who are all very caring and fiercely love her so they took turns cooking, cleaning and helping me, the eldest with chores and household tasks my mom no longer could do. 

The two conflicting reports did not make sense at all. Both respective hospitals were supremely confident of their CT scans and their pursuant interpretations. We took it to the national cancer hospital (from which we received news of my mom being stage 4). They were perplexed at first but after a team meeting, they concluded that their CT scan machine was superior to that of the private hospital and defended their findings. So we were embroiled in a ping pong from one hospital to another, both defending their claims. Of course we believed the No Cancer report, naturally. But after much thought and discussion, my mother chose to go ahead with chemo and radiotherapy for 6 cycles at the national cancer hospital because she’d rather err on the side of caution. 

To be completely honest, I don’t trust the Awful Report because my mom has been completely healthy and has shown no symptoms of a stage 4 breast cancer patient. She has even gained a bit of weight since we keep her healthy and happy with nutritious meals. My mom goes jogging regularly even when chemo started she continues with her jogging routine. She doesn’t get tired and she’s in a good shape and health apart from her hair falling out because of chemo. 

My heart and intuition tells me something isn’t right so I’m secretly booking an appointment with the private hospital radiologist to get his opinion on the national cancer hospital’s CT scan. Wish me luck! 

And seriously, the NCH’s professionalism is not up to par and they don’t exactly inspire confidence in me. For example, today, we drove an hour and a half from our house to the NCH. We set out at 6.30 am and arrived at 8 am sharp. The chemo day care beds are available on a first come first serve basis so really the early bird gets the worm, and yes we got one for my mom. My mom underwent the normal chemo procedure where they took her blood, pressure and ECG. We arrived at 8 am sharp and they hooked her up with normal saline and a bunch of anti nausea meds. Before they started pumping in her chemo cocktails at about 2pm, the nurse suddenly told my mom to go home because her chemo wasn’t scheduled for today. My mom immediately called my dad who was working in his clinic and told him about the weird instructions. It took my dad to call up the head doctor and ask what’s happening for them to find out the nurse had mad a stupid mistake : she had mixed up my mom with another patient! I was livid with anger when I found out about this. Knowing of my hot headedness, my mom only told me what had transpired AFTER the mistake had been rectified. The nurse-who-should-be-fired meekly apologized and went about pumping in my mom’s infusion as if nothing had happened!

I don’t understand how they can be so negligent! My mom’s name was clearly displayed in a placard above her bed and she also had the hospital wrist band with her details on it. And i won’t take the justification that it’s a third world country, so what would you expect. Because this isn’t some flu where you can afford to be heedless and make mistakes. THERE IS NO ROOM FOR MISTAKES BECAUSE IT’S A LIFE AND DEATH MATTER AND IT CALLS FOR A CERTAIN DEGREE OF QUALITY AND PROFESSIONALISM TO ENSURE THERE IS NO F**KUP. I wanted to make an official complaint, and if necessary take it to the newspapers.

So you can see why I don’t have much confidence. But there isn’t much you can do when your hands are financially tied and this is the only place where you can afford to give your mom the treatment that she needs. ��When in Rome, do as the Romans do.’ So I had to keep it in and accept their apology with a fake smile through gritted teeth. 

Had my mom not argued her case, had my dad not pushed to talk to their head, we would have gone home for the 2nd time (they’d already postponed her second chemo last week because my mom’s wbc was allegedly too low - now I’m wondering if that report was true because when my dad tested her wbc levels the next day, it was normal) without giving my mom chemo. And I shudder to think what evil might have happened if they had put the wrong infusion in her body! STILL LIVID WITH RAGE. 

At this point, I’d really rather be angry than be depressed. Cancer is really a ginormous, colossal b***h but then again, I’m a bigger b***h than cancer. Not to mention it messed with the wrong clan.

Still Hopeful,

Little Croissant