#like is what i’m doing Supposed to take 7hrs…

[bright-and-burning]

this is a hyperspecific work struggle i won’t lie but. the combo of having adhd + being the only person w a cs background is so.

i keep getting like coding tasks (usually asking me to automate some analysis or another that someone’s doing by hand in excel), and then finishing them like way faster than anyone’s expecting (bc i work Fast when i like what im doing like i slide into the Zone and the rest of the world stops existing until i finish it). and then i have this awkward start-stop of it all while they figure out the next thing for me to work on (hence why i’ve been on here All Day)

[imhereforbvcky]

Vivid - Part 3

Masterlist  -  Series Masterpage 

Summary: Have you ever met someone who completely embodies a color? Not an aura, not synesthesia. Just… They walk into the room and when you spot them, you think to yourself, “Wow. That is a walking hurricane.” When Clint Barton serendipitously meets a free-spirited stranger, he sees red. Chapter: You and Clint have become that indefinable thing between friends and... well something more. Or less, since you’re both too anxious to push through that barrier. Can a relationship grow anyway?

Warnings: I guarantee there’s swearing. There usually is. That’s about it, just a load of fluff and cuteness with a side of nerves.

Word Count: 2637

A/N: I’m laaaate with this, I’m sorry! I had some unexpected visitors who wanted to take a 7hr (each way) camping road-trip over the weekend. So I didn’t have time to queue this up. Anyway, here we go! Two goofs, two dorks, two relationship idiots, dancing around each other! Let’s go!

The last few millimeters of coffee swirled in your mug, mixing thick foam and heavy chocolate with the final precious bits of caffeine. Your friend scowled at you from across the petite round café table.

“So who is he?”

“Hmm?” You set your phone down beside your now empty cup, loopy smile hooking one side of your face into a lazy grin.

Nina circled an accusatory finger around your face. “That!” Then she pointed to the phone. “Who is he?”

“Don’t judge me, just because you’re Fort Knox.”

“I stash my precious golden heart behind a heavily fortified vault for a reason. People are greedy and rough, especially with someone as careless as you. I’m just looking out for my friend,” she finally sighed watching you check your phone again. “You keep diving head first without looking how deep the water is, you’re going to break your neck one day.”

“Maybe, but at least I’ll know what the water feels like.”

“I don’t… even know what that means,” she frowned, picking at her crème brûlée. “We’re mixing metaphors.”

“It means I’d rather get a little bruised looking for love than to hide from it forever and feel nothing.”

Nina’s frown dipped into a disgruntled scowl. “I feel things.”

“Oh you definitely do,” you teased, dipping a spoon into her dessert. “You feel very nervous when you’re happy…”

She sliced at your spoon with her own, defending her treat.

“You feel uncomfortable when you think people you care about are too happy.”

“I just don’t want to see you hurt. Again.” She argued.

“But then you wouldn’t get to say, ‘I told you so.’”

She rolled her eyes, but grinned. Nina did love to be right. “So? Who is he? Need to make sure he’s worth the leap.”

“We’re not even—he’s just a friend right now.” You explained. Then smiled excitedly, bouncing in your seat. “But I kinda like him.”

“Yeah I figured. That dopey grin kinda gave it away.” She tapped your phone. “Why do you only see him in the middle of the night? Seems a lot like the last one if you ask m—“

“They’re nothing alike,” you snapped.

Your friend cocked an eyebrow: half challenge, half interest.

“It’s not like that,” you shrugged. “We have coffee at the 24-hour diner, or eat pizza on a stoop,” you explained, a little grin sneaking in. “We just talk. Or we don’t. He’s good. And it just… comes easy, ya know? He makes me laugh, when I’m 2am heavy.”

Nina sighed and pushed her empty dessert dish away from her. “Please just… look before you leap this time.”

“Where’ve you been?”

Clint jumped at least a foot. The canister of coffee grounds clattered to the floor and rolled until Natasha lifted her toe to stop it under foot.

“Why so jumpy?�� she probed further.

“’Cause there’s a spy in my apartment,” he grumbled, tossing his keys on the counter.

“Well?”

“Just went for coffee.”

She opened the cupboard to put the new canister away beside the other 6 unopened tins. “You know, for a SHIELD agent, you’re a terrible liar.”

“Why are you checking up on me, Nat?”

“You missed movie night.”

“Oh shit. I’m sorry, I forgot.”

“And last week you forgot about Burger Monday.”

“I know, I’ve been dropping the ball lately…”

“My friend Clint would never forget about In-n-Out.”

He chuckled when he realized she wasn’t mad. Not completely. More concerned, and interested, and upset he was hiding something from her. Which was fair, he didn’t keep secrets from Nat. Not ever.

“So tell me.” Her voice was gentle, asking not demanding. “Who has you so distracted?”

Clint trudged to the worn out couch and flopped into it, before toeing off his ever-untied boots. “Just a friend. I got carried away.”

“No,” she argued, curling up on the other end of the couch. “You blew off your friends. This is something else. You like this person.”

“I should’ve been at movie night.” He shook his head and let it drop back onto the cushions. “You’re my family, I should be there. And besides, you know how I am about relationships. It was a mistake.”

“You must really like this mystery person,” Natasha observed, tilting her head to study her closest friend.

“I do and now I’ve said it out loud it’s real and I wish I didn’t, ‘cause now I’m definitely gonna screw it up,” he mumbled, tossing his forearm over his eyes. If he closed his eyes a minute longer, he could imagine a world where he got to have nice things. Good things and good people worth having. People like you would stay and he wouldn’t have trust issues. So he kept his eyes shut tight and his arm stubbornly heavy over them. “I wasn’t thinking. It just… felt really good to be around her, you know? For a second I forgot.”

“Clint, I think it’s a good thing for us to forget. Forget the past, forget the present – what we do. We can’t carry it forever. It’s a good thing: figuring out how to move on. And if you can find someone to do that with you… Well I’d say you’re one lucky guy.”

He flopped over, letting his head fall beside her and his feet curl up behind his knees and sighed. Reality again, dim in his cheap midnight apartment, messy in more ways than one. “I don’t know how to take care of a relationship like that. Growing up like I did, and now doing what we do… I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? Always fighting something. I’m just gonna ruin it.”

“Clint,” She pressed long cool hands against the sides of his face, and craned her neck to look down at him. All he could see were clear green eyes that bore straight into the core of him, knowing, understanding, and simplifying. “Love isn’t war.”

“I don’t even know her that well. We’re not…” his eyes darted anywhere but what he was sure were all-seeing eyes. “It’s not love.”

“But that’s the end game right,” she cut him off. “You like her, and it might go that way. You need to remember that it’s not war, and it’s not torture. That might be what we’re used to, but this isn’t supposed to tear you apart. It’s not tears and bruises and blood. It’s work, but the kind that makes you softer. That person should make you lighter, bring you peace.”

“She’s like a damn helium balloon.” The hint of a smile came unbidden. There was enough levity in just the thought of you to tug it over his lips, crinkle at his eyes.

“Then stop looking for grenades.” She let her hands drift away from his face, and the seriousness faded with the warmth. “Enjoy… whatever it is while you have it.”

Clint sighed. Natasha was right, and he often needed her to kick him in the ass with this kind of thing. It was why they were such great friends. She got it. But that didn’t make it easier to actually do.

“And give me a name so I can vet her.”

“Nat!”

She shrugged. “Just looking out for my friend.”

“You busy?” Your voice was bright coming through the phone as the elevators closed behind you.

“Uh…”

You chewed the edge of your nail to near oblivion. Taking Nina’s advice, launched you way out of your comfort zone, and that hesitant, non-committal answer did nothing to assuage your anxiety.

Clint, with the phone still to his ear glanced over his shoulder down the range. It was his turn to lead training, but when your name turned up on his phone, he’d have taken any excuse to bail. Could he feign a sprained ankle? He was clumsy enough…

Natasha glanced at him, with a question in her creased brow as she retrieved her paper target and began circling her shots. Tony stood frowning down range. He’d been complaining that he should be exempt from target practice since his ‘super-power’ came with heat-seeking missiles. Really, he just hated losing.

Clint’s entire body hunkered low, phone pressed to his chest when he heard the high-pitched whine of a repulsor-ray.

“Bull’s-eye. I win.” Tony grumbled before storming off. The target had been blown to hell. The frame holding the target was nothing more than smoke. The hillside behind the row of targets had a fresh gouge of scorched grass and upturned dirt.

Clint and Natasha shared a glance and she rolled her eyes.

“Clint? Hello?” his phone chirped in his hand. “You there?”

“Uhm,” he tried again. “No. No, I’m not busy. Not anymore. What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” you admitted with a nervous laugh. Clint was already walking quickly back toward the compound with a haphazard wave at Natasha. “I finished up early at the office and I just missed you. Is that weird? It is a little,” you rambled. “Anyway, I know it’s still daylight, and that’s not really um… our thing. Shit, this was dumb. This is like that embarrassing rambling voicemail that you delete and try again 4 times except you answered and now you have to hear it and I have to live with the memory. This was so dumb! I should let you go.”

“No!” Clint found himself cringing at the force with which he’d spoken. But he absolutely did not want you to let him go. “No, it’s fine. It’s nice to not be the only idiot around.”

There was a silence and he slapped his palm to his forehead. He just called you an idiot. His head dropped back and his face scrunched while he fought back a grown, wondering if anyone could be a bigger idiot than him in that moment.

Mercifully a chuckle finally broke through from on the other end of the line. “We’ve definitely cornered the market.”

“Mhmm.” He dragged a hand down his face, still unable to release his cringe enough to form real words.

“So do you wanna…?”

“Yeah,” he managed. “Yeah, give me an hour. What’d you have in mind?”

“I could use a cuddle.”

An hour and fifteen minutes later, Clint stood in the tiny tiled room, waiting. You were already sitting on the floor, feet curled up under you, jittering in anticipation. One minute, you were clapping excitedly, the next shoving his shoulder, the next dancing on the spot.

Something between a chuckle and a scoff passed his lips. This was a horrible idea for so many reasons.

It was also brilliant.

And anything that made you this happy, he decided, was well worth his time.

“How often do you do this?” he asked.

You beamed up at him. “Often enough that the front desk gave me a volunteer form this time!”

“This is crazy. You’re crazy.” His words didn’t have any sting. No bite. It was a fond sort of acknowledgement.

“Okay, are you ready to meet Arrow?” the shelter employee asked, peering around the corner.

“Um, yes!” You clapped with glee as she opened the little gate and ushered the dog into the room.

He immediately bounded over, drawn to your excited energy.

“Oh! I’m in love already!” you exclaimed as he wiggled and romped around on the floor beside you.

“I’ll give you a little time,” the employee smiled, ducking out.

“This is just cruel,” Clint argued, crouching down to ruffle the dog’s ears. It abandoned you almost immediately, leaning into Clint’s hand.

“No it isn’t! They sit in cages all day, they need love as much as I do.” Your voice was a goofy croon as you pet the overly friendly yellow lab.

“I meant cruel to me!”

You laughed and Clint eased down onto the floor beside you. He was entirely preoccupied with Arrow, scrubbing his ears, gently shoving the dog’s chest back, grabbing at a lazily thrown paw. They wrestled in the tight space like they’d been doing it for years.

You, on the other hand, could only take in the completely unburdened smile that lit up Clint’s face. It made you glad for the warmth of his arm squeezed against yours in the narrow space. The familiar heat of his skin was like an extension of his joy.

Clint absorbed you entirely in his calm steady happiness, a cool sort of comfortable that spread through your veins, rather than the frenzied red rush you had spent so long chasing, had spent so many tears watching slip through your fingers. This was different, and new, and something you hadn’t known you’d wanted. It was a chill up your spine and soft glint in his eye, a light flutter in your stomach.

You startled when the dog leapt to the side and knocked him wholly against you from knee to shoulder. Clint didn’t flinch, didn’t withdraw, would never have thought to. He was warm and comfortable, and you were something good and bright he liked being close to. You amplified the parts of each other that sometimes got lost in the chaos.  Here in this tiny tiled room with the bounding energy of a shelter dog between you, that balance swelled. The room seemed full of it and the stress of the day crowded out with ease.

“Sorry,” he turned to you with a smirk as the dog plowed into his gut with a braided rope toy. “I’m hogging the puppy. You needed cuddles.”

“S’okay,” you shrugged, linking your arm around his elbow and curling your hand up to the lean stretch of bicep pressed against your own shoulder. “You’re cuddly. And he likes you.”

Clint’s playful smile softened into something else, something full and gentle as he looked down at you. You didn’t see it though, as you reached out to pat the dog and let your cheek fall to Clint’s shoulder.

This little adventure was indulgent, and silly, but that was exactly what Clint liked about being with you. Those things felt right, and it made him feel good. So he indulged. He let his lips fall to the top of your head, nose tickled by your hair and the smell of soap. For a moment, he let himself stay like that. Then he kissed the top of your head. Quietly, gently, deliciously thoughtless.

Even more satisfying: you didn’t react at all. Just stayed curled up like that against his side and let him.

Clint walked out with a new dog that day. One he promptly renamed when his favorite pizza vendor – a gas station that sells pizza by the slice but Clint buys by the pie – spotted you outside with him on a long red lead.

“Lucky day for you, eh?” he’d asked with a toothy grin and a big box of pepperoni pizza.

Clint glanced over his shoulder and grinned, lop-sided and nearly lost. He was sure he looked like a damn fool, he just didn’t care. “It’s been a pretty good one.”

“Who am I to stand between Lady Luck and her prize,” he said, shooing away Clint’s money. “It’s going stale anyway, just take it.”

“Really? Thanks, Marco!”

When he found you on the tiniest spit of grass, you slipped a greedy hand into the box and withdrew a slice. He couldn’t help laughing at the grin on your lips as you stuffed half the piece into your mouth.

“’M starving!” you mumbled.

He shook his head and reached into the box himself. Except instead of eating the slice, he tossed it to Arrow. “He’s a lucky dog. This was free!”

“You should call him Lucky!”

He grinned and slung an arm over your shoulder, the three of you heading down the block back to his stoop to finish the box of pizza between you. Lucky seemed more fitting for a dog than Arrow anyway. He liked it.

“Lucky the pizza dog.”

Part 4 >>

[thatgirlwhokeepsreading]

tagged by @humandisastersquad

𝟎𝟏 . ALIAS / NAME : Sarah (always wished I had an alias tho lmao)

𝟎𝟐 . BIRTHDAY : 18th March

𝟎𝟑 . ZODIAC SIGN : Picies

𝟎𝟒 . HEIGHT : 167cm/5’5”

𝟎𝟓 . HOBBIES / INTERESTS : I contain multitudes, but atm I’m mostly into a lot of DnD adjacent stuff, love a fiction podcast, love some true crime, regrettably still a theatre kid, sometimes I play video games (badly but I’m enjoying myself)

𝟎𝟔 . FAVOURITE COLOUR : sky blue

𝟎𝟕 . FAVOURITE BOOK : uh probably Outside In by Chrissie Keighery (even though that’s probably been my go-to since I was like 13yo). The book I’ve read in living memory that I still think about constantly is Tell the Machine Goodnight by Katie Williams, which is a piece of spec-fic that really broke into my house and read my diary not in terms of like the specific content but like... idk the vibes

𝟎𝟖 . LAST SONG : Six Months in a Leaky Boat by Split Enz (in my defence it’s part of my horrific 7hr 28min fanfic vibe playlist that I really need to split either by character or by arcs)

𝟎𝟗 . LAST FILM / SHOW : I just watched Hannah Gadsby’s Douglas, finally

𝟏𝟎 . INSPIRATION : This is a very vague question but I’m going to choose to take it as like My Artistic Muse, which... Recently I told my psychologist, “My biggest fear my entire life has been getting trapped inside The Flesh Prison without any ability to communicate, so my whole life has just been finding more and more elaborate ways to explain what’s happening in my head until recently some chumps started paying me to do it On Purpose.” So I guess that, and also pretty girls also work in a pinch.

𝟏𝟏 . STORY BEHIND URL : it’s a very loose Ch*nnel Awe*ome reference + me reading in circumstances I objectively shouldn’t be/have been is one personality trait I have always been sure of (I’m difficult to interupt when I’m engaged with a piece of media I like, which in hindsight c’mon y’all why did the diagnosis take this long). I haven’t changed my URL since I made this blog when I was 15yo. I don’t know how, at this point I’m too afraid to ask, and also I have a personal brand to maintain now

Tagging @tabbyinagully @magstorrn @kiraheartilly and uh anyone else feelin enthused I suppose lol

[mannien]

I was tagged by @fondlynarry and MY OH MY I did NOT expect this to happen! I didn’t even know anyone loves my blog! Thank you so so so much love, I feel really greatful! :) 

instructions: tag 10 followers you want to get to know better

gender: female

star sign: TRICKY. I was born really premature and came out as a gemini but I was supposed to be a virgo and BOTH actually apply to my personality, so each time I get to read the astrological stuff I have to get through two star signs before coming to any conclusions about myself

height: 167 cm but I may or may not have added a couple more in my ID  

hogwarts house: the first test I took years and years ago told me I’m Hufflepuff, the recent one says Gryffindor

favorite animal: If I was down to earth then dogs, but I’m crazy about koalas, wombats, kangaroos, and panda bears. I’m an animal lover generally, but IRONICALLY I get easily scared of them and they’re in my nightmares 

average hours of sleep: before the pandemic I used to have a schedule to make sure I get at least 6-7hrs of a beauty sleep; anything above 9 makes me cranky 

current time: 10:14 pm 

dogs or cats: DOGS! I like cats only because they’re furry, but I don’t like them, they’re sneaky and don’t get along with me 

number of blankets you sleep with: usually just one, but if I’m feeling most tragically anxious and something happened to trigger me, I tend to take the second one just to wrap it around me and hug it and be covered in softness 

dream job: a REALLY well paid writer or a well known music/pop culture journalist 

when I created this blog: around 2010 I assume, but it could’ve been 2008. Definitely before my obsession with One Direction but after I got a hang of international social media platforms no one else knew here 

how I came up with my url: I think I was in the middle of figuring out what I want people to call me instead my name, so I came up with a couple of name mixups and now it’s the most frequently used username I have anywhere, it just fits to me

I would love to tag @niallandtommo @peeterparkr @madmadmilk  @heyhihellowhatsup0 @constellationsv @thirsttrapholland @lauras-collection and I don’t know who else, you guys are my faves now, so if you’d like to then you’re welcome to do it! and if you see this and I haven’t tagged you, it doesn’t matter, you can do it, too! 

[troxk]

the rules: answer 17 questions & tag 17 people you want to know better

tagged by @thotfuss - ella thank you for this i kinda love doing surveys and quizzes and stuff so this has satiated my niché craving 🙏🏽

nickname: tianen, t

zodiac sign: virgo 

height: 5′8

hogwarts house: slytherin, wow so edgy so cool

last thing i googled: lana condor cause i wanted to know what type of asian she is ahah (vietnamese btw)

song stuck in my head: bodys - car seat headrest 🥽🤡✊🏽

following and followers: following 636 / 56 followers

amount of sleep i get: on average? probs a nice 7hr. responsibility ✌🏽

lucky number(s): 7 and 3 are nice i suppose

dream job: oh shit oh fuck uhhhh fiction author but i don’t have the internal motivation yet which is why you don’t see any of my own work here ahah

wearing: ft. yeah i’m gay. yeah i’m rethinking lots of things rn. what of it

favorite songs: oh jesus we’re opening this can of worms. city of lights - the music tapes, mr brightside - the killers, stuck in the middle - mika OH HOW COULD I ALMOST FORGET BLEACHERS: goodmorning - bleachers, i miss those days - bleachers, all the pretty girls - fun., welcome to the black parade - mcr, take on me - a-ha. i was also INCREDIBLY into musicals ~a year ago so everything from hamilton, in the heights and falsettos

instruments: trumpet player asdgfjhkjasdkhgk. i’ve stopped because i only really like playing in an ensemble and i’m out of band now. i also play bass and normal guitar but self-taught, so kinda basic stuff!

random facts: HM i’m half chinese, half white -- i’m currently reading the clown book! my brain keeps stopping cause it’s like No! once you finish it, there will be No More Content! which is scary to me :)) i’m currently in the opening eddie chapter and don’t have an identity anymore :)) -- i believe camp (2003) is The Funniest film ever made and is only half-ironically one of my favourite movies please watch it (but beware: opening homophobic violence scene) -- i skateboard [badly] -- i love playlist curation and have 16 clown movie playlists! it’s A Thing! (my spotify is tk54022...if you wanted that for some reason...)

aesthetic: button ups button ups button ups, as the clown & goldfinch mutuals will know. also i just underwent a radical style change (aside from the hawaiian shirts, those stayed). i’m vibing uhh bright colours, bomber jackets, clashing patterns, go check out @/chewytongue’s clown fanart, like that but less cool (i wish i were wearing something better rn so it’d be relevant to show off lol). i, like ella, agree: if it’s ugly and thrift i buy it. simultaneously: i also vibe really hard with street skater aesthetics/black,white&grey/Edgy™️ but in a strong outside appreciation way :)

tagging: @the-bird-of-wisdom @rosesburnedalive @charlataned (we’ve been mutuals for literally years? and haven’t talked ever? wild asdjhkjdsa) @joldiego​ @eyebqll​ anddd @tiriei​ @chestnut-tree​ ( ;3 ). i don’t have a lot of mutuals so this is what we’re going with

[fuck-customers]

Day from Hell

More of a fuck management, but whatever. TL;DR at the bottom.

If you live in the Seattle, WA area, you know it’s been snowing. Like, a lot. Seattle hasn’t had this much snow in 70 years or so. Most places where I live have been closed, because the roads are bad and almost no one has chains. Except for the coffee shop I work for, Lardo Caffe. So I was supposed to have Saturday off, but a coworker begged me to cover her shift because bus lines are unreliable, and I live within walking distance of work. So I agree. Then I get a midnight text from my manager and I only answer because I think she’s gonna tell me I don’t have to work, but instead! She asks if I can come in at 6:30 (an hour later than our regular open bc snow hours) to open! I say yes, because she acts like the people who were supposed to open maybe won’t even be able to make it in, so I begrudgingly agree. She PROMISES that I will be able to head home by 11:30. I open, the two people who “might not be able to make it in” come on at 7, it’s super dead, we build a snowman outside because so few people are coming in. So coworker M needs to take a break at 1:30ish to take his girlfriend to work, and for some fucking reason, coworker A thinks they need to?/get to? go home at 11:30. I don’t think much of it because it’s so dead, and coworker C has also come on at 9:30. So coworker M takes A home, and in that time, it gets busy as hell at work. All these suburbanites have come out en force, because we are the only place open. At some points, C and I have 9-10 drinks backed up. M comes back after dropping off A, but eventually has to leave again to take his girlfriend to work. I text my manager asking if the scheduled closer is coming in, or if the manager herself is coming in, because it’s hell and we don’t have enough people. Her only response is that A wasn’t supposed to leave until 3, and to ask why I’m still there. M eventually comes back and helps C and I out, and calls our manager again to try to figure out what the fuck to do. M and I don’t wanna leave C there alone, but I’ve been there for like 9 hours at that point (shifts are usually 6-7hrs max) and M has a family event he was trying to go to. Our managers response? “Sorry you guys, someone has to stay until 5 to close, if we’re still getting business.” So M, C and I keep working, eventually our manager says someone has to clock off at like 4:45, so I clock off. I end up staying and doing the till for them, because M was gonna drive me home. The cherry on top of it all??? Manager texts C to thank him for working so hard, and closing. C was scheduled 9:30-5, and worked 9:30-5:45, whereas I worked 6:30-5:45, and M worked 7-5:45 with some breaks. Our manager never said shit to M or I, or thanked us in any way. TL;DR: Manager begs me to come in, fucks up scheduling and communication, I end up working 11 hours and manager thanks other coworker who only worked an extra 45 minutes beyond his scheduled shift.

[roxannepolice]

Long asks anon again, here to offer my opinion on the current wank. Rey as a character is rather blatantly breaking sw story rules and nothing is going to get SFF fans hackles up like rule breakage. This is root of both the MarySue accusations and current wank. Rey has a tragic backstory thats doubling as the only failure she can call her own. But its a) damn near entirely offscreen and b) serves as convenient justification for why shes competent at near everything that comes up.

Reys instantly good at the force because of a convenient force download that to the best of my knowledge only occured in the noncanon KOTOR II and quite frankly cant blame most of the general audience for not getting because without prior knowledge or the novelizations why would they? She has darkness in her but as so far used and touched it consequence free and its almost entirely symbolically externalized on the Kylo (and in SW symbolism is Real in a way it isnt in other narratives) Shes strong in the force because Light rises to meet Dark but to quote the current crop of movies ‘thats not how the force works) or at least thats never how it worked before. Shes the first SW protagonist to go behind enemy lines and come out with both hands in the second movie. For ppl wondering how come Luke and Ani never get labeled MarySues, this is why, they got thier asses handed to them, Rey hasnt. There /is/ something /off/ in Reys story, and ppl pick up on it. if you can make a post (w/ over 1k notes!) about how great it is that a character meant to prop up 7hrs worth of movies has little to no character development to go through, somethings off. If multiple ppl can make posts about how its neat Rey can tap into the darkside (still characterized as evil in ST) consequence free (with some quite frankly stupid justifications, 'shes disciplined’ really? jedi lacked a lot of things thats not one of them) somethings off and again, if the only failure your main heroine has is /entirely retroactive something’s off/. If the story were getting with the is the story most ppl think we are, a 'female empowerment’ (i dont feel particularly empowered by being told I have an equal chance at being a deus ex machina but ok) than well, her story is over and theres no need for IX (hell it could have been over in TFA, most ppl assumed she had accepted her place as the future jedi in that one) and no need for reylo The ST was always gonna deconstruct all that came before it purely by virtue of being a sequel. The tragedy of anakin skywalker is now a farce, the happy ot ending now a tragedy, and the mythopoetic structure shot to shit in the name of serialization and perpetual warfare. this stand true for all the sequel characters including rey and ben. the only question is are we going to get anything out of it? I compare it to home renovation. You can knock out a wall and the walls gone, but new opportunities arise. With Benlo, I’m reasonably confident that there will be at least some attempt to take advantage of the new space. With rey and the resistance kids? not so much. it just feels like they knocked down a blue wall to rebuild it as pink one and at the point it just feels like a waste of time because ive seen this before. Ive seen pure cinnamon roll desert orphan reform jedi order If this was all youre going to do that the fuck was the point? which circles around to my problem with team good guy this go around and That Scene. JJ twisted the story into a pretzel to justify the winners of the last round being the underdogs again and then rian twisted so much further the storys head may as well be up its own ass. And then at the very end he shoots it all to shit and rushes to reassure us its all gonna be okay. He removes the entire point of the underdog trope /the tension that comes from the fact that they might lose/. I mean there wasnt a whole lot of that to begin with already but really? So theres no tension that Reys gonna win so her journey feels frictionless, and theres no question where shes gonna end up so full offense why give a shit? Thats where the whole 'can rey lose a fight?’ thing comes from. Ppl want conflict in her arc to justify its existence and give us a reason why this her story to begin with. if the only character going through growth for all three movies is ben, if the only characters whos fate is up in the air is ben, and if all the tension in the reylo relationship comes from ben, then why is this /reys story/? why not just make it about the character actually driving all the drama and thus, the story?   As a final thought, im going to add that having Kylo be aware and insecure that hes never gonna be as Iconic as Vader was a great story choice, regardless of where ends up. Current Rebels, on the other hand, seems to have not gotten the memo that they are never gonna be as iconic as Original Rebels, and the story itself seems to being trying to sell them to me as being better. Rey is Luke but better, Poe/Finn are Han wo the smuggler grit, and id be lying if i said it didnt piss me off.

&

Long asks anon to kick down ur door again, AND ANOTHER THING. SW is a lotta things. Subtle aint one of them, and St hasnt changed in that regard. If you have to debate it chances are either a) ur arguing counter to the text in which case mor power to you but not really helpful for predictions or intended meaning or b) /it aint there. A bunch of ppl didnt like anidala, but nobody doubted we were supposed to think they were in love by the end of AOTC, bunch of ppl didnt like poes arc, but no one doubts he fucked up by not listening to holdo was the intended take away. Which brings to rey and flaws or lack there of. Were told rey has flaws but she has yet to suffer any real consequences from them with the exception of The Damn Parentage Wank, which again, pulls the double duty of making her hyper competent at everything. Because rey has no consequences for her flaws, from a story function pov there aren’t any. If rey did have a flaw to overcome, we would all agree what it was

Now won’t you all just look at this beautiful, spot on rant which has been lagging in my askbox since the last time Rey’s flaws or lack thereof were the discourse’s focus (November, I believe?) and suddenly became a thing again, courtesy of Tweetgate. I think you really summed up the crux of this debate wonderfully, anon.

I particularly agree with the part about Rey not getting narratively punished for whatever flaws we’d like her to have (great point about returning from behind the enemy lines with both arms still in place), when SW don’t stay away from allowing characters to get “punished” even for otherwise applaudable features - vide Padmé, whose idealism is what Palps manipulates into gaining more power (this is why Padmé will never come off as a Mary Sue or too perfect, btw). But I’ll say even more - Rey doesn’t even get called out on her flaws, except for by Ben, who’s mostly dismissed as a baddie like Palpatine saying Luke was foolish to rely on his friends. Let’s just consider one thing - both Anakin and Luke get called out on their flaws by Yoda (Anakin repeatedly and by lots of other people for that matter) whereas with Rey, the same grumpy-yet-jolly senex pops up from the afterlife to further inform us what a great jedi material she is.

TBH, I have a very cynical theory as to why Rey is being pushed as the main character while it’s difficult to deny that it’s Kylo Ben who does all the plot heavy lifting. I’m pretty sure Ben’s arc was the first one DLF thought out (and the big question is, was it the only one they thought out) and only later on decided to make Rey the main character, which also involved much less spontaneous writing. Mind you, it’s not as if benepemption didn’t have a manufactured subtaste to it, but with Rey’s heroine’s journey stiff structure occasionally substitutes any in-world explanations of her actions (this is why I have to hope renperor has some narrative purpose rather than happening because lovers need to be separated and anti-hero needs to achieve what he wanted in 2nd act). I feel as if whatever potential her character had (and hopefully still has, pending IX) got smothered by layer upon layer of making her likable by everyone, which largely relied on negative characterization: she’s not helpless, she’s not too naive, not cynical, not too emotional, not too emotionless, not morally corruptible, not anything you’ve ever complained about regarding any SW character, not falling for the bad boy, not not not - and in the end it’s kinda difficult to say what Rey is like and while the goal of making her widely likable was achieved, it also made it almost impossible to view her as loveably flawed/annoying like the classic characters. And on top of all this is the matter of making her a nobody just like you!, as DLF appears to say with uncle Sam’s gesture (which also kinda assumes the existence of a Star Wars fan as some uniform entity? because if you identify with her, good for you, I just don’t understand why the franchise assumes I’ll identify with her by the grace of being a SW fan alone), because, as you excellently put it, the message here is that everyone can be chosen by God - which again, it’s not as if the saga ever contradicted this, so why the hell make a case of it? I can’t agree that it’s made into Rey’s flaw, though, imo her low birth only serves to further frame her as an oppressed virtue. And I definitely agree regarding too much of her growth being left off-screen, or before the story ever begins. The problem here isn’t even that it is left off-screen (it’s not as if we had huge insight into any of the pt or ot characters) but rather that her characterizations is left off-screen while being depicted as at least untypical (unique to put it bluntly) for her situation (same goes for Finn). A hopeful, kind person growing up on her on her own in slavery under a nicer name is a rarity and DLF makes a case for it being a rarity - and this sparks up curiosity in her past, as if market pandering to Re/sky wasn’t enough. So from this pov her un-reveal being frustrating isn’t just a case of not wanting to love her or her self only a potentially deeper psychological question getting answered with well, light.

I should add, Ben’s arc feels like the most spontaneous one (though Finn’s may yet be a masterpiece) and he’s the one to admit his fear of not living up to Vader’s legacy, because I think he’s the character serving as the creators’ vessel, more or less like Luke was Lucas’ avatar in ot. In his fear regarding Vader’s legacy one can feel Disney’s fear due to having bought popculture’s holy grail and not being entirely sure what to do with it. On this background, Rey (a literal scavenger of OT’s pieces) and rebels 2.0 repeatedly blessed by Leia come off as what DLF would want to be. And the result is that the character which was supposed to be Vader 2.0 proves the most original and surprising one, whereas “breaths of fresh air” come off as room aromatizers with “fresh” written on them.

And as far as the plot being bended into a pretzel and then disappearing up it’s own ass, well, a part of me is still hoping that taking virtually the same villains as before is a mythological-psychoanalitical metaphor of a nigredo repeating itself until the unconscious gets accepted by the conscious…. but, tbh, as the leaks flow this hope is withering.

[theboardwalkbody]

Who wants to go to work for me tomorrow?

I just wanna go home today and take a nap (it'll be 6pm by the time I get home, but I am sleepy) and then wake up at like 8pm and lay in bed until 3am watching tiktok and playing games on my phone. Maybe watch Dr Strange (since I haven't yet shh) or some Gen Kill.

But instead I can't go to bed until like 730 at the earliest because I have to get up at 630am tomorrow for a 12hr shift. And I just... I'm tired and don't wanna do that.

Also, today is Day One of a four-day thing. Monday is 4pm to midnight though, so at least I can sleep in that day and don't have to worry about a bedtime after work tomorrow.

I'm just used to having a min of a 3 day off recovery period and for the last month I've only gotten that once. And it's starting to wear on me. Cos Day One is always a sleep recovery day, Day Two becomes errands and such, Day Three is either Rest Before Work OR Whatever (if there's a day Four then it's a whatever day and day four is the rest before work).

And on all my days off this month I've had other obligations like Dr appointments and errands and crap with getting my car fixed and driving my grandma places etc. So its all wearing on me lately.

Maybe my schedule will go back to normal next week. Baby Sheep is supposed to be coming home next Tuesday which means my Regularly Scheduled Programing would return but her return has been delayed an entire month past her original Coming Home date, and it's not the first time she's had to be gone this long. It's actually the second time since March. So she's not a stable case. Which sucks and is also frustrating for me in terms of never being 100% sure what my schedule is or if I even have work (like how in April she was supposed to come home and didn't so I had a grand total of 7hrs the entire month and she was supposed to come back the end of April which turned into Mid May which turned into Late April which turned into First Week of June) so as you can see I am skeptical. But because it's a holiday weekend, if she is delayed, I won't know until the Day Of Expected Return.

Anyway this was supposed to be a post about how tired I am and how I don't wanna go to work tomorrow lol bye

[princessnen]

Nights like these when I feel heavy scared and weepy ..

Restless wanting to check back on all the people I love most.. and more ..

It was one of those nights when 2am i downloaded an app on my phone which I swore never to open ,

I scrolled through your profile which looked prominently fine , you seem to be happy and working posting about a dance workshop you were supposed to be taking so I closed it thinking it must be all about today and all is good in the hood..delted the social media app,

Tried sleeping back but it didn’t work .. I still felt something wasn’t okay , I should have checked and scrolled more, my instinct got me at it one more time , I re-downloaded the app.. dot dot hit hit , I risked scrolling through your story with a heavy heart , and there it was ..

Shock of a lifetime .. something you posted just 7hrs ago ..

the story I never wanted to believe..

It felt like my own personal loss when I read your father was no more ..

I remained stuck at my place with my phone in hand .. The words you wrote .. not fair papa ! Not done .. dig a hole in me.. closed everything down and kept thinking ..

thinking about you , recalling everything I knew and heard about your father, the pictures I remember and saw, the fixing of that pocket square .. and so much more of the little memories I had of you ,

Sitting still and my head tilted resting on the wall, Moments later I realised , a tear drop was flowing from my left eye towards my ear , I touched my cheeks , and I questioned myself why does it hurt so much?

why just the thought of you being in immense pain is killing enough for me still?

how will you live through it , will you be able to tackle , I recalled those loud cries when we lost czar , I recalled those husky sobbings when we lost nani ..

And I realised how I wasn’t there anytime to hold and grab and hug and kiss and struggle.. I still wasn’t there , and I couldn’t be .. the best possible way like it has always been to hug you was with my prayers .. the only thing that could reach you from me was duas.. so I did What I do best .. l did what I always do.. I started praying .. I wept and I prayed .. for your health , for your patience , for your strength , and for you to live long..

I don’t think I slept anytime , nevertheless 7am I realised I had a bright red mark on one side of my face perhaps wall imprint .. and my head hurts(migraine) my eyes can’t take the light .. so I went to the washroom and looked at that basin mirror .. inside those red eyes .. and asked myself .. what will you do now?

whole day I kept answering everybody ‘I’m just a little unwell’ to the question why do you look so grieved ? I cried during my emotional lecture and made 30 of those students cry too.. the rest 20 just took it well with a brave heart .. mid class I went to the washroom and cried a little more ..

I called my best friend after the afternoon prayer and told her that It’s questionable how broken I’m feeling .. and I’m just in dilemma of contacting him.. she clearly answered , even if I do will that really make anything better or different for him at his end? and my answer was NO.

You need somebody wiser , somebody who doesn’t run away , somebody who reaches you and be with you , not ME. not me at all because I’m not the one. No matter how brutally or equally I feel your loss. Eventually I’ll have to go away again , I can’t hurt you like that. Maybe that would make us feel better for now, but later it will hurt us both. So I chose not to call up or text.

I kept thinking over thinking weeping wondering praying stalking and waiting .. to feel normal and better .. days passed .. a month passed away .. nothing changed .. my agitation and restlessness increased with time .. this time I wanted to see you in person .. I had to do it.. gather up all the courage and bam! so i fixed a day , planned the trip , made my mind , and just a night before my journey , I see that you are gone already , and you are back to work , and you look okay.

Made me happy and shattered at the same time, this was a millionth time my heart got broken, my plan to see you went vain, however this time it was unusually calming , I wasn’t restless anymore , I was content to see you coping up..

So I started eating, working normally but there was still no sleep, I couldn’t.. and I now I had to do something about it .. this won’t work .. I will not try to reach you , I won’t contact you and hurt you,,, yet what can I really do?

I would go and meet the person you love the most , I would give my best to see and make her smile even if it’s for a minute .. I will hug her and feel you , and I will try to take and share her pain for a moment .. I would meet maa..

So I did .. and that night , was I able to sleep finally? NO !

I couldn’t . I thought about you more I wept more .. I wanted to hear you more .. I wanted to be with you more .. I wanted to see you more ..

I recall how badly I wept on the prayer mat for three continuous nights ..

Nonetheless it got all okay once I realised via telegram that it’s only me .. and my issues .. my love ..you are way far from the kind of affection I have ..

It feels the same kind of restlessness again. The urge and curiosity of love & pain. It’s been quite a while since I looked up anything that relates to you. I have no idea how you are and where have you been. I will not look at you anymore. I won’t try. I have stopped scrolling, stalking. Just writing this here will help me calm down.

For I realised that it’s only one sided lethal love.

It doesn’t hurt anybody but me.

I will only hope and pray for you to be okay.

Now and always.

[papermoth-bird-blog]

Red, Blues & the Greyhound bus to Nashville

Most people, when I said I was going to take the bus between my stops, gave me a very strange strange look. As if to say “why would you subject yourself to that?” or “I’m worried about you.” I have no regrets though. Truly, I set out to get an authentic understanding about what is going on in the American south right now, and let me tell you, I certainly have been learning a lot. Now, of course, in all my stops I’ve landed in blue cities in Red States, so I’ve felt quite sheltered for the most part. But there is no way better to learn, then riding the bus.

Now leaving New Orleans was difficult, I’ll tell you. Not just because I had such a great time there, but because my new friends were literally getting ready for the WITCHES BALL as I was packing up my bag. It was like the city was dangling the carrot begging me to stay. On top of that- Will Smith showed up and played the preservation hall. I mean--- New Orleans just has to stop flirting with me. It’s too much. As a matter of fact, it was like the city was holding on to me. My bus was supposed to leave at 9:30 pm, but it ended up leaving half past midnight. I didn’t mind, I knew the bus wasn’t going to glamorous or fun persay. I wanted to see the landscape/ people-scape change as I moved through Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama & Tennessee. It was palatable too.

I mean, I don’t know if other places are like this, but from my time on bus’ in Canada, I’ve never been made to get off before. Here you do- At every. single. stop. Which is tedious to say the least. My ticket originally said I just had stop in Mobile, Alabama, for an hour. As it turned out, we actually had an hour long stop in Mobile, Montegomery, Birimgham (maybe another one too?). Each time we stopped for a while, the bus would be emptied out & cleaned from top to bottom. I which is nice, but how messy could they possibly get in two hours?The stop in Mobile ended up being more like 5 hours- because we missed the connecting bus. I didn’t really mind (I mean, I sighed up for it & all I could do was go with it, being negative wouldn’t change the situation & I wasn’t even tempted to be).

Most people were grumpy though, if I’m being honest. Those poor greyhound people, I think every person going through those terminals, particularly in Alabama, was swearing and cursing those greyhound staff. They were grumpy about all kinds of stuff- but mostly because of that missed connection. 

There really were ‘all-kinds’ on that bus. Joining up in New Orleans, there was a whole group (of maybe 20) parents & children coming into the country (via Texas) for the first time. In Nola, a man and a woman, rushed towards them, handing out supplies & fruit & a manner of many other small items. It was clear they were migrating because they all had the same lime green totes, with the name of a charity that helps with these things printed on them. We parted ways in Montgomery, where many of them continued on to Atlanta or Florida. 

In Birmingham, I mostly occupied my time with watching videos Eli was sending me about Tulum. (Which I think is growing on me as a destination). I made small talk with a guy next to me who (I didn’t realize until later) was wearing a shirt with a confederate flag on it, that said something like “never apologize for your past”. He asked me where I was coming from and where i was going & I told him. In regards to Nashville, he said “Oh, yeah I like it up there. They are a lot more polite than in places like down here.” He also told me he’d always wanted to go to Canada, but couldn’t (he learned at the boarder one time) “on account of my convictions”- which turned out to be 3rd degree assault & battery. I didn’t really ask more questions. 

Maybe it was a fluke, maybe not, but I also found the amount of people wearing the colour red was super unusually numerous. Like everyone, white people, people of colour, old, young. Maybe it’s a style choice, but I definitely noticed it in Birmingham. Our stop in Birmingham also ended up being a lot longer than we initally thought it would be because the police wouldn’t let our bus leave. They picked out a couple of white guys in the back (who had been with me since Mobile) who were both wearing red shirts & grey hoodies (my co-incidence, I dont think they knew eachother). They were both asked to leave the bus, where they were searched for weapons. When they got back on, they were both making a fuss, saying that the cops were trying to figure out if they were “in the brotherhood” or not. The brotherhood, of course, being the Klu Klux Klan. Which made me both uncomfortable & way more aware. I mean, I was one of the only white people on the bus (definitely the only white woman on the whole trip), and if it made me uncomfortable, I can’t imagine what it would have felt like otherwise. The bus driver, who was a black woman, then got up to warn us that she would have “no tolerence for any kind of nonesense” and that she would kick anyone off if she felt any trouble from them. It had me kind of on edge, but it turned out fine.

I did sleep for the most part. I mean, it was a night bus anyways, but I didn’t feel like anyone else was feeling super chatty. (okay, that may be a lie. A guy that was on his way to rehab in Colombus kept offering me peanut butter sandwhiches. Actually, he was one of the people accused of being in the KKK. Maybe it was me that wasn’t feeling chatty- I was doing my best to observe.) In Huntsville, a young man came and sat next to me. His speech was super slurry, and I couldn’t easily understand him. He did keep making conversation with me. Then he started crying. The whole way to Nashville. He was messaging back & forth with a girl, who clearly broke his heart in someway. As if sitting next to a crying, stranger wasn’t awkward enough. He couldn’t read that well, so he kept turning to me ASKING ME TO READ THE MESSAGES to him. Which of course, would make him burst out into tears all over again. Texts including “N ya. that’s y I dnt wanna b wit u” & “I do got luv for u. Just nt as a couple”. He then kept voice memo-ing her stuff including “That’s fucked up!” over and over again. It started to feel like I was breaking up with this guy. This strange, strange, socially awkward person. I try not to pity people, because I think that is a sentiment that can be disempowering for the subject. Not going to lie tho, I felt a lot of pity for that guy. Honestly, I felt a lot of relief too, when we finally got to Nashville.

I haven’t explored too much yet- I mean- It’s 8am on the morning after my bus rolled in (a good 7hrs after it said it would). I did wander just a little to find Two Boots pizza-which was relatively near by. Two Boots is the pizza chain that Leon (Asa’s cousin) family owns. It’s a cajun, pizza place- the two boots being Louisiana & Italy. So I got a calzone & tried not to feel sad about the fact that I wasn’t in New Orleans anymore. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have a good feeling about Nashville. Definitely crush worthy too. The mountains that hug this city were beautiful to watch with the setting sun. I do feel a sense of land-locked-ness, which I wasn’t necessarily expecting, but I think that’s my spoiled east-coast girl showing. Nashville has a really good energy about it. Bubbly, a little hooky for sure, but friendly as ever. I already feel much more comfortable walking around at night here.  I’m gonna do my best to get my country music fix here- I can tell it won’t be hard- there are honky-tonks everywhere.

[sunshineyears-blog]

A good friend of mine let me in on a secret. He said, anxiety lives in the future and the past. It cannot exist in the present--the now. We control the now. We are here. Therefore the easiest way to elude anxiety is to live only in the present and deter our minds from visiting that which has happened or will happen. I try this theory on for size. •——• Presently, I can't walk. Tessa & I only did a 7hr return day hike on the Abel Tasman but this having been my the first time wearing shoes in over a month after having terribly "misplaced" my sole pair somewhere near Springs Junction, my feet were confused, suffocated, and panicked to the point of physical injury. Alas, what does one do with a sore limb? I climb the cement steps of the grocery under the hot Golden Bay sun. A busker is playing the didgeridoo outside near the entrance, hitting everyone with a bit of side trance to accompany their shopping lists. This, is Takaka. I hobble around the store and back to the car with dinners fixins' (capsicum, mushrooms, onions, coconut milk-in-a-can, wine-in-a-bottle). Yellow Curry. I drive to the park. I turn the car on. Then off. And realize it's happened again; I am stuck in the present, a condition that strikes often and unannounced while traveling without a plan. Symptoms plainly include thinking & acting & being present, making it impossible to decide what to do next. I work on feeling alone. I am alert like a Kat in the night. I sit in the car cautiously experiencing this phenomenon the way one would vigilantly observe a pyromaniac in a tinder box. What. will. happen. I lean the seat back and let the battery run for a while, Edith Piaf helping to move my thoughts. I think of places I could camp tonight while simultaneously being pulled by the feeling I will bump in to someone I know. Someone I'm supposed to meet. Having performed at the Brigand's packed open mic last Thursday, the likelihood is my neighbor so, I sit (for a long while) in the car. Blame the bum foot but no other options feel right. Intuition and I play this wee game of 'lead with your heart' for over an hour before the feeling moves & I turn the key, following it down thru town. After the bridge, I turn at the sign for PuPu Springs and stick my foot in the ice cold water, hoping for a miracle and too cheap to buy an ice pack. "Can you take me to the main road?" I pick up, Arnov, an Israeli hitcher in exchange for the extra set of eyes while I scope a potential camp spot back under the bridge. It's early evening and the sun is just tipping its laden colors. Pinks, being the heaviest, settle first on the grey mouthed stone shore. Purples next, pressing against the emerald ferns, holding Now along a river that never stops moving. Arnov and I spread a blanket & read books while a girl in a headscarf collects sparse driftwood near the bridges' brawny base. Margarita is her name, "like the velvet underground song". I remember the wine, offer my new friends the present, and we enjoy ourselves immensely until the sand flies catch on to our sauvignon sweetness. In an awkward position in the back seat of 'ol Randingo, I ruminate my anxiety and how it would have loved to be a part of this day but couldn't; It can't get here. I am in the safe place of now; the present; a feeling. Where nothing stays too long and intuition is never wrong. Now. Here. Safe.